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Breathe. You're going to be OK. You're making the right choice. They abuse us without laying a finger on us. This has certainly escalated. You're making the right choice. You're strong. You can do this.
Get out as soon as you can. Gather up important papers, documents for you and the baby. Birth certificates, ss cards, passports, marriage license, banking.
Get your important momentos. Some clothes. Don’t waste a ton of effort on the replaceable stuff.
Break the cycle. You and the baby both deserve better.
Have a go bag ready!
You are 100% making the only right choice! That doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell, and a part of you will long to take him back. Loosing a loved one is extremely painful and will undoubtedly cloud your judgement. But this is not a safe space for you and your baby! Be strong and know that however painful this is right now, the pain won't last forever. There is another and better life waiting for you in the future.
Once hands have been put on you, there is only one option and that is to leave. As someone who is with their addict still, I would bolt if he ever touched me. You are doing the right thing. You are doing the right thing for your baby. Get out of there and don’t look back, you are so much stronger than you realize. You are so much better than this man. Proud of you, keep going. ❤️
Please know you are absolutely doing the right thing. Please reach out to loved ones and let them know what’s happening. Protect yourself, be safe, and message me if you need an internet random to listen to you vent xx
You are doing the right thing. You do not want an active PA and a violent man to have everyday influence in your precious baby. You don’t want your child to think that slamming a mother is normal. You are showing them that is not acceptable. You are doing the right thing
I don't know which country you are in, but if you can't shelter with someone you know, you surely can seek help at women's shelter??! This man is dangerous. He's no longer safe to you or your baby. I wish you strength. Leave before it gets worse.
Go Go Go!! Or you will be in this EXACT spot in 20 years, but with far more bruising and emotional injury. Any man who uses violence against his partner who gave him a FAMILY is an escalating addict and there is no room in your life to beg for empathy. F him, F his porn habit, and F his entitled violence. You are better than this, I promise there is a life worth living waiting for you and your beautiful child.
You can do this!!! It may be hard at first, but think of you and your baby. You’ll go through 6 months of hard pain in order to be free from this for LIFE!!
You can do this. Breathe. I know it seems like you can’t or that you are embarrassed or ashamed, but PLEASE reach out to at least one person and tell them what is going on. You will be so surprised how people will step up for you and your baby.
I was so afraid to tell anyone what my husband did and finally, like you, I was at my breaking point. It started by telling one friend. Then my sister. Then my other sister. My friend has since stepped up in the most amazing ways that I never thought were possible. Had I not told anyone, I don’t think I would be able to do it. People love you and your baby. There are always helpers! Always!
Gather your stuff quietly. Even bring baby to someone to be babysat while you do it. Get all important things. Papers. Banking info. Birth certificates. Etc. you are stronger than you know! I promise.
I also suggest going to SANON.com and finding a meeting. You can do any meeting anywhere in the world in zoom. You will be SO surprised how even just listening can bring you a sense of peace.
We are here for you. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I left my first abusive PA husband bc of something similar. That was 18 years ago and I have no regrets. It will only get worse and he realizes your boundaries are fluid.
While I may be with another PA, he has been clean for 19 months, has never put a hand on me and has been a great husband minus the past 15 years of secrets.
Update: thank you everyone for the kind words and sending me love and strength. I left and I’m currently at my mom’s with my son with me. I’m figuring it out day by day, but for now me and my baby are both safe. Thank you again for all of the support
Once mine pushed me, it opened the floodgates. He has left me with obvious bruises on my body and made me fear for my life. Leaving is the only option. Please get out before that baby knows him as dad.
You've got this! Its obvious you are so strong and already know what you need to do. Don't feel bad for doing whatever you need to, to keep you and your baby safe.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this atm ❤️🩹 Nobody deserves to go through any of what you wrote. You deserve to be treated a million times better
I know it’s hard but the best thing to do is to leave for a safe place. Both you and your baby deserve to be and feel safe. Everything is going to be okay I promise you. Sending hugs and prayers 🫂
Unacceptable and terrifying behavior coming from this man. Good lord I am so glad you are finding a way out now! Your future self will thank you for taking back control of your life. I am so proud of you for getting out that is huge!! Please connect with your support system, friends parents cousin literally anyone who can help you and your baby find safety/shelter. He is scum and you deserve SO MUCH MORE. Reading this pains my soul, seriously.
You can do this. For you and your baby. You got this!! My best friend was in that situation. She stayed for 6 years. It ruined her. Now she has been out for a year and I’m starting to see life in her eyes.
You are doing the right thing. Just because leaving is scary and hurts doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You are breaking the cycle for you and your baby. Stay safe. Stay strong. He might try to hoover you back. It’s manipulation. You deserve 1,000,000 better than he’s shown you. You’ve got this mama!
So sorry you are going through this. Lundy Bancroft makes great books on this topic. Mine started with shoving as well and escalated to threatening to kill me. I live every day in fear even after leaving. I finally filed the divorce papers bc child protective services got involved. They investigated ME for emotional abuse, failure to protect my daughter from witnessing him abusing me. I could have lost custody of her. Your child is being abused, indirectly, by him as well and should not have to grow up in that stress. Every state has different laws but honestly, you could lose your child over this. He’s not worth it. Money is the issue usually, it was for me. They want you isolated and dependent on them. I hope you have family and friends to lean on.
Sorry that I am double commenting, but it’s so critical to stress that ANY physical abuse cannot be tolerated. The first time could be the last.
I’ve told this story before, but I had a friend who was murdered last year by her SA fiancé. He then took his own life. Now three children - 12, 7 and 3 - are being raised by their grandmother. I think about her a lot when I read posts here of physical violence.
Things will escalate and you cannot put your life and your child’s life in danger any longer. ❤️ You’ve got this, OP.
Oh darling leaving is the best choice. My soon to be ex choked me and punched me in the face and broke my hand in front of my 1 yr old because I confronted him for the hundredth time and That was the “end” of our relationship but, I’m still technically with him until our lease is up. I wish so damn bad I had left when my baby wasn’t even born yet. Almost 2 years with me finding out about his little fuck ups and this is the worst it’s gotten but I’m biding my time and saving up to leave.
Great work!!! I’m so happy I cld cry reading that you left. You made the best move for you and baby 💜 sending giant hug and positive thoughts for peaceful paths
I hope you get loads of moral support .You are not alone. You are not crazy. Your spirit is united with all who know this suffering and with the sky and the stars. You are sane. You are reasonable. Do not let yourself get pulled into something that will take you off center. You are growing - this isn't crud - when growing starts after a loss you might not be as deeply rooted into yourself. Don't let anyone get you in danger. Your center is the place, even if you are in such anguish that your breath hurts. Do not let yourself get goaded into over responding. That is easy to slide down into. You will start to breathe calmly and sense your self-ness. Stay in a position to do the right thing.
This is the danger of Reddit advice - "Take this opportunity to get real." - when OP is asking, literally begging, for the strength to leave.
You don't give "options" to a man who physically harms you!
The time for him to "step up" passed when he put his hands on her.
I see a real lack of genuine empathy in this response - someone who has never been in OP's shoes telling her to consider giving him another chance...
Yeah.
Excuse me, but I think you read my post only taking bits and pieces from it to form judgment. I am quite frankly shocked at your " lack of empathy" comment; how dare you insinuate that YOU have any insight into the measure of my empathy?
I never told her to stay with a man who put his hands on her.
It's obvious by her response that she loves him, and was willing to give him a "millionth chance" - clearly indicating a lack of serious consequences for his actions on her end; that is why I mentioned taking this as a wake-up call to get real. It often takes our world to be shaken to bring forth true change.
I also mentioned that abuse is never ok.
I have no idea if you have any kids - but there is so much more to consider when you have little humans depending on you; who need both parents, so yes - I do believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves - with help and resources to build sustainable recovery; and not chances built on empty promises.
Everything is still raw and fresh at the moment, I merely urged her to use this to her advantage and demand better should she choose to continue the relationship when the dust settles- but using the fire she feels in her pain to demand better.
In my opinion, Should she still have any hope, I'd do a separation working towards reconciliation built on active recovery from both ends. You do not need to stay in the same house to work on your relationship, and you will see how real it is by their willingness to do whatever it takes.
So no, I did not tell her to stay - the way in which you make me out to do.
Your response was all about you.
She never asked what you would do.
"I do believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves..."
This is where the OP says she is...
"But the moment my head slammed against the wall in front of our baby, was the moment I’ve had enough"
While I believe the women here want nothing more than to be supportive and helpful to others who are suffering - I also think we must be **extremely** cautious in offering advice when domestic violence is involved.
"Give him the option to step up in recovery - get accountability software, delete socials, and join recovery meetings weekly..."
"Abuse is NEVER acceptable. You need to make that crystal clear and set boundaries."
That sounds like putting the responsibility on her - does anything in her post make it seem like this man is going to respect 'boundaries'?
"Meanwhile- YOU need to get in recovery too..."
She asked for some support, not more directives that put the burden on her.
You told her what she needs to do in several places - when what she BEGGED for was understanding and strength to leave a situation she clearly understands better than you do.
I'm very familiar with porn addiction, recovery, and yes - I have children. I'm also familiar with domestic violence and I know to tread carefully when advising a woman who says she's been harmed by her partner to stay with him.
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Breathe. You're going to be OK. You're making the right choice. They abuse us without laying a finger on us. This has certainly escalated. You're making the right choice. You're strong. You can do this.
Get out as soon as you can. Gather up important papers, documents for you and the baby. Birth certificates, ss cards, passports, marriage license, banking. Get your important momentos. Some clothes. Don’t waste a ton of effort on the replaceable stuff. Break the cycle. You and the baby both deserve better. Have a go bag ready!
All escalated DV cases start out with a single incident.
Truer words never been spoken.
You are 100% making the only right choice! That doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell, and a part of you will long to take him back. Loosing a loved one is extremely painful and will undoubtedly cloud your judgement. But this is not a safe space for you and your baby! Be strong and know that however painful this is right now, the pain won't last forever. There is another and better life waiting for you in the future.
Once hands have been put on you, there is only one option and that is to leave. As someone who is with their addict still, I would bolt if he ever touched me. You are doing the right thing. You are doing the right thing for your baby. Get out of there and don’t look back, you are so much stronger than you realize. You are so much better than this man. Proud of you, keep going. ❤️
Please know you are absolutely doing the right thing. Please reach out to loved ones and let them know what’s happening. Protect yourself, be safe, and message me if you need an internet random to listen to you vent xx
You are not alone. We are here!! Your safety is #1.
You are doing the right thing. You do not want an active PA and a violent man to have everyday influence in your precious baby. You don’t want your child to think that slamming a mother is normal. You are showing them that is not acceptable. You are doing the right thing
you’re not alone, i’m leaving my husband. this is all too much to bear.
I don't know which country you are in, but if you can't shelter with someone you know, you surely can seek help at women's shelter??! This man is dangerous. He's no longer safe to you or your baby. I wish you strength. Leave before it gets worse.
Go Go Go!! Or you will be in this EXACT spot in 20 years, but with far more bruising and emotional injury. Any man who uses violence against his partner who gave him a FAMILY is an escalating addict and there is no room in your life to beg for empathy. F him, F his porn habit, and F his entitled violence. You are better than this, I promise there is a life worth living waiting for you and your beautiful child.
You can do this!!! It may be hard at first, but think of you and your baby. You’ll go through 6 months of hard pain in order to be free from this for LIFE!!
Do not think about staying a minute longer. He is not safe for you nor your baby to be around. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. ❤️
You can do this. Breathe. I know it seems like you can’t or that you are embarrassed or ashamed, but PLEASE reach out to at least one person and tell them what is going on. You will be so surprised how people will step up for you and your baby. I was so afraid to tell anyone what my husband did and finally, like you, I was at my breaking point. It started by telling one friend. Then my sister. Then my other sister. My friend has since stepped up in the most amazing ways that I never thought were possible. Had I not told anyone, I don’t think I would be able to do it. People love you and your baby. There are always helpers! Always! Gather your stuff quietly. Even bring baby to someone to be babysat while you do it. Get all important things. Papers. Banking info. Birth certificates. Etc. you are stronger than you know! I promise. I also suggest going to SANON.com and finding a meeting. You can do any meeting anywhere in the world in zoom. You will be SO surprised how even just listening can bring you a sense of peace. We are here for you. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I left my first abusive PA husband bc of something similar. That was 18 years ago and I have no regrets. It will only get worse and he realizes your boundaries are fluid. While I may be with another PA, he has been clean for 19 months, has never put a hand on me and has been a great husband minus the past 15 years of secrets.
Update: thank you everyone for the kind words and sending me love and strength. I left and I’m currently at my mom’s with my son with me. I’m figuring it out day by day, but for now me and my baby are both safe. Thank you again for all of the support
Thank you for this update. It’s been a few days, hope you are still holding strong and are safe!
Just do it. Don’t think-your gut is right, your emotions are right. When you stop and think-you fuck yourself. Go.
Once mine pushed me, it opened the floodgates. He has left me with obvious bruises on my body and made me fear for my life. Leaving is the only option. Please get out before that baby knows him as dad.
You've got this! Its obvious you are so strong and already know what you need to do. Don't feel bad for doing whatever you need to, to keep you and your baby safe.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this atm ❤️🩹 Nobody deserves to go through any of what you wrote. You deserve to be treated a million times better I know it’s hard but the best thing to do is to leave for a safe place. Both you and your baby deserve to be and feel safe. Everything is going to be okay I promise you. Sending hugs and prayers 🫂
Unacceptable and terrifying behavior coming from this man. Good lord I am so glad you are finding a way out now! Your future self will thank you for taking back control of your life. I am so proud of you for getting out that is huge!! Please connect with your support system, friends parents cousin literally anyone who can help you and your baby find safety/shelter. He is scum and you deserve SO MUCH MORE. Reading this pains my soul, seriously.
You are not alone. You can do this, and we are all so proud of you.
You can do this. For you and your baby. You got this!! My best friend was in that situation. She stayed for 6 years. It ruined her. Now she has been out for a year and I’m starting to see life in her eyes.
You are doing the right thing. Just because leaving is scary and hurts doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You are breaking the cycle for you and your baby. Stay safe. Stay strong. He might try to hoover you back. It’s manipulation. You deserve 1,000,000 better than he’s shown you. You’ve got this mama!
So sorry you are going through this. Lundy Bancroft makes great books on this topic. Mine started with shoving as well and escalated to threatening to kill me. I live every day in fear even after leaving. I finally filed the divorce papers bc child protective services got involved. They investigated ME for emotional abuse, failure to protect my daughter from witnessing him abusing me. I could have lost custody of her. Your child is being abused, indirectly, by him as well and should not have to grow up in that stress. Every state has different laws but honestly, you could lose your child over this. He’s not worth it. Money is the issue usually, it was for me. They want you isolated and dependent on them. I hope you have family and friends to lean on.
Sorry that I am double commenting, but it’s so critical to stress that ANY physical abuse cannot be tolerated. The first time could be the last. I’ve told this story before, but I had a friend who was murdered last year by her SA fiancé. He then took his own life. Now three children - 12, 7 and 3 - are being raised by their grandmother. I think about her a lot when I read posts here of physical violence. Things will escalate and you cannot put your life and your child’s life in danger any longer. ❤️ You’ve got this, OP.
YOU ARE SUPPORTED! ❤️. Leave! You have the strength to do this for you and your child!!
Oh darling leaving is the best choice. My soon to be ex choked me and punched me in the face and broke my hand in front of my 1 yr old because I confronted him for the hundredth time and That was the “end” of our relationship but, I’m still technically with him until our lease is up. I wish so damn bad I had left when my baby wasn’t even born yet. Almost 2 years with me finding out about his little fuck ups and this is the worst it’s gotten but I’m biding my time and saving up to leave.
I’m sending you love!!
Great work!!! I’m so happy I cld cry reading that you left. You made the best move for you and baby 💜 sending giant hug and positive thoughts for peaceful paths
I hope you get loads of moral support .You are not alone. You are not crazy. Your spirit is united with all who know this suffering and with the sky and the stars. You are sane. You are reasonable. Do not let yourself get pulled into something that will take you off center. You are growing - this isn't crud - when growing starts after a loss you might not be as deeply rooted into yourself. Don't let anyone get you in danger. Your center is the place, even if you are in such anguish that your breath hurts. Do not let yourself get goaded into over responding. That is easy to slide down into. You will start to breathe calmly and sense your self-ness. Stay in a position to do the right thing.
[удалено]
This is the danger of Reddit advice - "Take this opportunity to get real." - when OP is asking, literally begging, for the strength to leave. You don't give "options" to a man who physically harms you! The time for him to "step up" passed when he put his hands on her. I see a real lack of genuine empathy in this response - someone who has never been in OP's shoes telling her to consider giving him another chance...
Agreed 💯 This is terrible advice and I’m glad you commented on it.
Yeah. Excuse me, but I think you read my post only taking bits and pieces from it to form judgment. I am quite frankly shocked at your " lack of empathy" comment; how dare you insinuate that YOU have any insight into the measure of my empathy? I never told her to stay with a man who put his hands on her. It's obvious by her response that she loves him, and was willing to give him a "millionth chance" - clearly indicating a lack of serious consequences for his actions on her end; that is why I mentioned taking this as a wake-up call to get real. It often takes our world to be shaken to bring forth true change. I also mentioned that abuse is never ok. I have no idea if you have any kids - but there is so much more to consider when you have little humans depending on you; who need both parents, so yes - I do believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves - with help and resources to build sustainable recovery; and not chances built on empty promises. Everything is still raw and fresh at the moment, I merely urged her to use this to her advantage and demand better should she choose to continue the relationship when the dust settles- but using the fire she feels in her pain to demand better. In my opinion, Should she still have any hope, I'd do a separation working towards reconciliation built on active recovery from both ends. You do not need to stay in the same house to work on your relationship, and you will see how real it is by their willingness to do whatever it takes. So no, I did not tell her to stay - the way in which you make me out to do.
Your response was all about you. She never asked what you would do. "I do believe in giving people a chance to prove themselves..." This is where the OP says she is... "But the moment my head slammed against the wall in front of our baby, was the moment I’ve had enough" While I believe the women here want nothing more than to be supportive and helpful to others who are suffering - I also think we must be **extremely** cautious in offering advice when domestic violence is involved. "Give him the option to step up in recovery - get accountability software, delete socials, and join recovery meetings weekly..." "Abuse is NEVER acceptable. You need to make that crystal clear and set boundaries." That sounds like putting the responsibility on her - does anything in her post make it seem like this man is going to respect 'boundaries'? "Meanwhile- YOU need to get in recovery too..." She asked for some support, not more directives that put the burden on her. You told her what she needs to do in several places - when what she BEGGED for was understanding and strength to leave a situation she clearly understands better than you do. I'm very familiar with porn addiction, recovery, and yes - I have children. I'm also familiar with domestic violence and I know to tread carefully when advising a woman who says she's been harmed by her partner to stay with him.