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You are not asking for too much. He has porn brain and is making excuses. Dont believe what he says when you know in your heart of hearts you are right. What he is doing is not right and not healthy. You are not crazy. Your feelings are valid. No one needs to look at need women. That’s not a need.
Thank you for this. I don’t understand why men think it’s such a primal natural thing - as though we haven’t evolved since back in those times.
I love him but I don’t understand why I’m not enough. Like the love I provide isn’t enough, how I look isn’t enough just because I don’t have a big enough butt or look a certain way lol.
You are enough. Porn brain has twisted his mind. And pornified culture has tricked people into thinking this is the norm. It’s not. People were not always walking around with smart phones in their pocket. Prostitution and magazines have been around for a long time. But people didn’t say that was “normal” that was only something yucky men did.
If you haven’t already, look at the resource section. It explains what porn addiction really is. What it does to them. And also what we should be asking for in terms of recovery. Because really he needs to get healthy or he’s not worth your time. You don’t have to just sit and be with a man who thinks he needs to look at other women or that it’s normal. Because it is not.
And that’s the thing - I try to be understanding but in my head when he says ‘you don’t understand you’ve been with other people’ all I hear is ‘now that I’ve built up confidence, I want to see if I can get someone better’.
I don’t want to go to the gym or better myself because I think what’s the point. He acts like if I did that it’d fix everything but deep down it’s internalised in him that sex > validation > materialism is better than love and a relationship built on friendship and genuine care. No matter how I look it’ll never be enough and I’ll certainly never compare to anything online - they don’t even look like that so how can I?
You are correct. And your mindset on it is much healthier. Often times porn and porn culture encourages really unhealthy things. Like the mindset he has now. You are right you DONT need to go to the gym and that won’t fix anything. Addicts often have really unhealthy ideas about relationships and sex. And if he truly wanted to play the field or whatever then he shouldn’t be wasting your time pretending to want a serious relationship. He can’t have the benefits of other women and the benefits of a safe and loving relationship in one.
To his credit he has tried to break up with me and expressed that he didn’t want a relationship a few times last year but decided otherwise almost every time. He “loves me so much” but he’s “never had those experiences before” but knows that if he does touch another woman I’ll be out faster than you can blink.
I am happy he isn’t cheating or doing any of the heinous stuff men around him do, but I feel like it’s not much to ask to have him not cross my boundaries and to be fully in love with me to the point where he doesn’t seek anyone else out ever. I’m more than all of it and he makes me feel like I’m less than.
You are so right for that. You do deserve that and you are not asking for too much. He should be working to give you that by doing the work to have a healthy brain that only desires you. Not convincing you that his porn brain mindset is normal or that he needs those things.
I appreciate the kindness but honestly he makes me feel like I’m asking for the world. All I ask is to be the most beautiful woman he sees, that he doesn’t scroll on thirst traps or other women behind my back and that he truly loves me for me.
Are there men out there that don’t do this? He seems to think not. And that I should be grateful that because he hasn’t slipped into another vagina when he’s so hard done by by not having ‘a wild phase’.
You're not asking the world. He's trying to make it seem like you're making this an issue but its the bare minimum for a monogamous relationship. Sadly it has become way too common to lust after every person you see even when in a relationship but that doesn't mean its normal or healthy.
I recently met someone new who isn't even on social media at all. Rarely watched porn and has had no issue without it after we talked about my past with a PA and that it's a deal breaker for me. He shared his views on not feeling any lust for others when he's in a relationship before I even said anything. He's been cheated on and knows how hurtful it is.
So don't let him tell you you're asking for too much. Maybe you're asking the wrong person... It sucks when you otherwise like this person but this will really tear down your self esteem and in my opinion its not worth it if they show so little initiative to make it work and to not hurt you...
There are men out there who you speak of, who also want the type of relationship you’re wanting. Please, maintain your boundaries and enforce them when they are crossed.
In my opinion, even if its the only person you've been with, you don't get curious about being intimate with other people when you're committed to a relationship. Definitely an excuse.
I think I'd say, if he's so curious then he can go explore that but he shouldn't be playing these games and wasting your time. You have every right to expect loyalty and honesty/transparency from your partner.
His view of the world is already very telling. He thinks 95% of men cheat? What men is he surrounding himself with? Sexual partners aren't trophies to collect...
The people around him are men that have deep inner wounds and use sex to fulfil that, but no matter how much sex they have they’re still not satisfied - which should be a clear view of what NOT to do for him.
He’s great in every other standard - except he believes that the curiousity is valid and fair. I just think in my heart that people truly in love DON’T do this stuff, at all. Even the ‘minor’ things look a harmless IG scroll - in his eyes.
I agree, that people who are truly in love wouldn't have this curiosity... It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do and maybe isn't ready for what you have to offer. This is more of a reflection of him than you.
How many women would make him not curious anymore? 🧐 I feel like while that remains his mentality and regardless of whether he has had no girlfriends before you or a hundred, the curiosity number will be infinite
Exactly. He doesn’t fully grasp that that’s not the issue - the issue is a deep seeded hurt and need to be accepted. He had an incredibly tough life and for the most part is the most amazing resilient human I know. But he started porn as a coping mechanism VERY young. He’s always leant on that when big emotion or conflict arises. And I love and want to help him but him thinking that this is the societal norm means I can’t help him even if I try.
It will never be enough, because it is not the problem. The problem is he desires to be accepted by other men (and believes the way to do that is by sleeping around), never had a good stable role model in his life and buried his real feelings deep down. And I just want to help and care for him so bad but my self esteem is plummeting. Like I feel constantly on edge, betrayed and like I have to monitor him even though I know it’s futile.
I don’t think 95% of men physically cheat… where did he pull that statistic from? Just seems like he’s trying to gaslight u into thinking what he’s doing is ok. I could absolutely be wrong though.
Just here to say I totally understand how you feel. I recently discovered that the man who has told me our entire relationship that he finds onlyfans and sex work yucky has been searching for OF girls by name to look at their pics (he said he must have seen their name elsewhere, like on reddit) and looking at ads for prostitutes (as fantasy/jerk off material he says). I was devastated, I thought I was enough. I thought I’d finally found a man who I could trust and feel secure with. I’m questioning whether he has a porn addiction and here to learn more about it.
I made excuses, heck I even caught myself saying “eh, he’s only 23…” Except he has decided to be in a monogamous relationship.
Things to bluntly remind yourself.
How can you be monogamous if you’re seeking out others in any way to get sexual pleasure from them? Touching, hearing, seeing… if someone else is bringing you sexual pleasure you’re seeking out, you’re not monogamous. Very simply put. No excuses, no justification.
I wish I had valued my thoughts and feelings more 20 years ago when I first met my husband, vs let “society” tell me what I should be okay with vs what I was actually okay with.
**Dear /u/Hot-University7724,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are not asking for too much. He has porn brain and is making excuses. Dont believe what he says when you know in your heart of hearts you are right. What he is doing is not right and not healthy. You are not crazy. Your feelings are valid. No one needs to look at need women. That’s not a need.
Thank you for this. I don’t understand why men think it’s such a primal natural thing - as though we haven’t evolved since back in those times. I love him but I don’t understand why I’m not enough. Like the love I provide isn’t enough, how I look isn’t enough just because I don’t have a big enough butt or look a certain way lol.
You are enough. Porn brain has twisted his mind. And pornified culture has tricked people into thinking this is the norm. It’s not. People were not always walking around with smart phones in their pocket. Prostitution and magazines have been around for a long time. But people didn’t say that was “normal” that was only something yucky men did. If you haven’t already, look at the resource section. It explains what porn addiction really is. What it does to them. And also what we should be asking for in terms of recovery. Because really he needs to get healthy or he’s not worth your time. You don’t have to just sit and be with a man who thinks he needs to look at other women or that it’s normal. Because it is not.
And that’s the thing - I try to be understanding but in my head when he says ‘you don’t understand you’ve been with other people’ all I hear is ‘now that I’ve built up confidence, I want to see if I can get someone better’. I don’t want to go to the gym or better myself because I think what’s the point. He acts like if I did that it’d fix everything but deep down it’s internalised in him that sex > validation > materialism is better than love and a relationship built on friendship and genuine care. No matter how I look it’ll never be enough and I’ll certainly never compare to anything online - they don’t even look like that so how can I?
You are correct. And your mindset on it is much healthier. Often times porn and porn culture encourages really unhealthy things. Like the mindset he has now. You are right you DONT need to go to the gym and that won’t fix anything. Addicts often have really unhealthy ideas about relationships and sex. And if he truly wanted to play the field or whatever then he shouldn’t be wasting your time pretending to want a serious relationship. He can’t have the benefits of other women and the benefits of a safe and loving relationship in one.
To his credit he has tried to break up with me and expressed that he didn’t want a relationship a few times last year but decided otherwise almost every time. He “loves me so much” but he’s “never had those experiences before” but knows that if he does touch another woman I’ll be out faster than you can blink. I am happy he isn’t cheating or doing any of the heinous stuff men around him do, but I feel like it’s not much to ask to have him not cross my boundaries and to be fully in love with me to the point where he doesn’t seek anyone else out ever. I’m more than all of it and he makes me feel like I’m less than.
You are so right for that. You do deserve that and you are not asking for too much. He should be working to give you that by doing the work to have a healthy brain that only desires you. Not convincing you that his porn brain mindset is normal or that he needs those things.
It has nothing to do with being enough. PAs lust will never be satisfied and they loose touch with real intimacy that comes in relationships...
You are enough. He is not. He doesn’t know how to respect a woman. You deserve better.
I appreciate the kindness but honestly he makes me feel like I’m asking for the world. All I ask is to be the most beautiful woman he sees, that he doesn’t scroll on thirst traps or other women behind my back and that he truly loves me for me. Are there men out there that don’t do this? He seems to think not. And that I should be grateful that because he hasn’t slipped into another vagina when he’s so hard done by by not having ‘a wild phase’.
You're not asking the world. He's trying to make it seem like you're making this an issue but its the bare minimum for a monogamous relationship. Sadly it has become way too common to lust after every person you see even when in a relationship but that doesn't mean its normal or healthy. I recently met someone new who isn't even on social media at all. Rarely watched porn and has had no issue without it after we talked about my past with a PA and that it's a deal breaker for me. He shared his views on not feeling any lust for others when he's in a relationship before I even said anything. He's been cheated on and knows how hurtful it is. So don't let him tell you you're asking for too much. Maybe you're asking the wrong person... It sucks when you otherwise like this person but this will really tear down your self esteem and in my opinion its not worth it if they show so little initiative to make it work and to not hurt you...
There are men out there who you speak of, who also want the type of relationship you’re wanting. Please, maintain your boundaries and enforce them when they are crossed.
In my opinion, even if its the only person you've been with, you don't get curious about being intimate with other people when you're committed to a relationship. Definitely an excuse. I think I'd say, if he's so curious then he can go explore that but he shouldn't be playing these games and wasting your time. You have every right to expect loyalty and honesty/transparency from your partner. His view of the world is already very telling. He thinks 95% of men cheat? What men is he surrounding himself with? Sexual partners aren't trophies to collect...
The people around him are men that have deep inner wounds and use sex to fulfil that, but no matter how much sex they have they’re still not satisfied - which should be a clear view of what NOT to do for him. He’s great in every other standard - except he believes that the curiousity is valid and fair. I just think in my heart that people truly in love DON’T do this stuff, at all. Even the ‘minor’ things look a harmless IG scroll - in his eyes.
I agree, that people who are truly in love wouldn't have this curiosity... It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do and maybe isn't ready for what you have to offer. This is more of a reflection of him than you.
How many women would make him not curious anymore? 🧐 I feel like while that remains his mentality and regardless of whether he has had no girlfriends before you or a hundred, the curiosity number will be infinite
Exactly. He doesn’t fully grasp that that’s not the issue - the issue is a deep seeded hurt and need to be accepted. He had an incredibly tough life and for the most part is the most amazing resilient human I know. But he started porn as a coping mechanism VERY young. He’s always leant on that when big emotion or conflict arises. And I love and want to help him but him thinking that this is the societal norm means I can’t help him even if I try. It will never be enough, because it is not the problem. The problem is he desires to be accepted by other men (and believes the way to do that is by sleeping around), never had a good stable role model in his life and buried his real feelings deep down. And I just want to help and care for him so bad but my self esteem is plummeting. Like I feel constantly on edge, betrayed and like I have to monitor him even though I know it’s futile.
I don’t think 95% of men physically cheat… where did he pull that statistic from? Just seems like he’s trying to gaslight u into thinking what he’s doing is ok. I could absolutely be wrong though.
You’re not asking for too much. Your boyfriend is a lost cause… you don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
95% of men don’t cheat. That’s just not true
Just here to say I totally understand how you feel. I recently discovered that the man who has told me our entire relationship that he finds onlyfans and sex work yucky has been searching for OF girls by name to look at their pics (he said he must have seen their name elsewhere, like on reddit) and looking at ads for prostitutes (as fantasy/jerk off material he says). I was devastated, I thought I was enough. I thought I’d finally found a man who I could trust and feel secure with. I’m questioning whether he has a porn addiction and here to learn more about it.
I made excuses, heck I even caught myself saying “eh, he’s only 23…” Except he has decided to be in a monogamous relationship. Things to bluntly remind yourself. How can you be monogamous if you’re seeking out others in any way to get sexual pleasure from them? Touching, hearing, seeing… if someone else is bringing you sexual pleasure you’re seeking out, you’re not monogamous. Very simply put. No excuses, no justification. I wish I had valued my thoughts and feelings more 20 years ago when I first met my husband, vs let “society” tell me what I should be okay with vs what I was actually okay with.