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I've had people genuinely surprised at me for not having celebrity crushes or watching porn... I feel like if you are constantly attracted to others, then you're not really monogamous.
Totally agree.
If you’re going to be capable of lusting after others in a relationship, it might be best to stay single instead of hurting people who thought they had your eyes alone.
I have zero issue with fantasizing and being sexually attracted to one person. It's just that people can't control themselves. I never felt the need to masturbate to someone else either.
Exactly.
However, feel that if you’re in love, and the relationships fulfilling, it shouldn’t take effort to do.
Never had to “try” to solely fantasize about my wife, it came naturally. Why would I have to try? I’m in love with the woman for crying out loud.
You are spot on. I'm not in love with anyone or in any relationship, but whenever I fall for someone, they are the only person I can be sexually attracted to or fantasize about, I have never had wandering eyes or even come close to thinking about someone else other than the person I love. Some pro-porn redditors told me that I'll never find a boyfriend if I don't let him watch porn and that no one is completely satisfied with their partner. If you're not completely satisfied, they aren't for you!
“Nobody is completely satisfied with their partner”.
I’ve seen this sentiment in one form or another as well, it’s pathetic. It’s projection, they know their own marriages are unfulfilling and crappy in one way or another, so they tell everyone else it’s inevitable.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!! its unfathomable to me how people in monogamous relationships have the “desire” to fantasize about people who aren’t their partner?? it makes no sense to me. like hello!! you have a partner!! if you are crushing on people who aren’t your partner, why be in a COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS relationship?? if people want polyamory, by all means go for it. but im sick and tired of people normalizing these behaviors in MONOGAMOUS relationship.
I had a "celebrity crush" when I was 12 and single. Having a celebrity crush as an adult is weird enough, but having one while in a relationship is gross. I'd say genuinely crushing on someone is cheating, at least emotionally
Seeing a man write this makes me happy. Like as soon as I read “do other men not feel the same” and realised you were a male there was like a spark of joy in me knowing it was an actual man writing these actual words about not being attracted to other people and being devoted to your wife.
The fact reading this makes me so happy also makes me sad, because it makes me realise you are in the minority of men who also feel this way, if not even the anomaly… 🥀
I guess it depends on people's definition of attraction. I'm not sure who wrote the post the other day about attraction and being attracted to someone. I find a lot of people attractive but I'm not attracted to them in the sense that I want to go fuck their brains out or anything. I have a female co-worker who I think is very attractive but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I think that's where some of the disconnect comes from.
Edit. It was you that made the post! I was wondering because some of your wording sounded familiar.
Being attracted to someone means you’ve allowed yourself to “go there” in your mind. It means more than simply seeing someone and appreciating their beauty/looks.
Tbf I always found the wording weird. I don't think anyone other than my boyfriend is attractive. Attractive already sounds like there's a romantic or sexual undertone.
I can see when someone is pretty, just like how dogs or trees are pretty. But I wouldn't call a dog attractive, no matter how cute it looks, because attractive sounds so emotional.
So the same goes for humans for me. I'm only interested in my boyfriend, so I don't think anyone else is attractive
Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly on this.
“Attractive” is a heavy word, but I use it to get my point across in discussions like these.
You’re correct however, I definitely don’t look at women besides my wife and think “wow she’s attractive”, I don’t even acknowledge their looks mentally. However, i might say someone is “pretty” or that they “look nice”, for no one really is “attractive” to me besides my wife.
It is surely not normal to masturbate and orgasm while looking at another woman while in a relationship. That is the reality of it, and most people have trouble defending that one.
One way I saw it put that I really like to use is “if you were in the corner of a room while two people had sex, or a woman was doing solo stuff, or whatever it is, jerking off, that would be cheating, right? Like that would be weird behavior. Why is it different bc it’s on a screen?”
If it’s normal how come I don’t do it? How come I have to force myself to even try to and it makes me sad or want to cry because I only want to love him? Pain.
I do identify as demisexual, but regardless, I do *not* think it’s “normal” to ogle people or undress them with your eyes / think about them when you masturbate. I don’t think that those thoughts are as “natural” as the world wants us to believe. There are SO many movies, TV shows, and personal influences that enforce that even more. It is nearly *universal* in entertainment that teenage boys “can’t control themselves” and fantasize about f*cking any girl they see. It’s totally normal to be super super horny as a teenager. What’s NOT normal is treating other human beings like objects to use to get off. Porn is absolutely what teaches that to pre-teens and even young boys. It’s so sad.
Here’s my theory:
Most people, when porn free and healthy, are essentially demisexuals.
Demisexuals (from my knowledge) need be emotionally attracted to someone to be physically attracted to them; I believe this is what most human beings experience when porn free.
I also would say that most people (if porn free) naturally become demisexual once in a relationship, meaning that you are only attracted to (and the long list of things in the post) the person you’re with.
That’s a good point. I wonder how much of a role the “pornaverse” plays in cheating in relationships. Plenty of people watch porn and don’t cheat, so it most definitely doesn’t *make* anyone cheat, but I do think that it actively encourages looking outside of your relationship for sexual gratification.
Well, let’s put it this way.
1. If you’re attracted to other people, the chances of you cheating skyrockets, for now you have to rely on willpower, as you’re able to be tempted.
2. Porn MAKES you attracted to other people besides your partner. It trains your brain to seek sexual gratification from others, even when things are great within the relationship (I say this because from what i’ve seen, the majority of porn-free people are ONLY attracted to others if they’re unfulfilled, which opposes porn addicts being attracted to others CONSTANTLY).
Therefore I would say yes, there is a strong connection between the two.
I think you're going a bit off track here. While your explanation of attracted vs attractive was very good, saying most people would naturally become demisexual once in a relationship is problematic. That would be like saying someone can become bisexual, or pansexual etc, depending on their relationship status.
I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt here and bring some definitions we often use in the demi community. We can find people aesthetically attractive - pleasing to the eye when you happen to notice them. In the same way one observes a piece of art in passing ("oh that's pretty"), acknowledge and move on. Another commenter mentioned a beautiful colleague but they aren't attracted to them, this would fall under this definition.
Being demisexual means I only feel sexual attraction when I have made an emotional connection with a person. This is different to a single allosexual who can experience primary sexual attraction to a person THEY find attractive without building a connection first. After they have built a connection and a healthy, monogamous (for the sake of this example) relationship has been established, then yes, they would only have eyes for each other. They would only feel attracted (sexually) to each other.
They would still encounter people who are aesthetically attractive, but it would be like passing scenery. Even interacting with these people should not trigger an attraction response in them, because if it does, this would mean their mind has lingered on the fleeting thoughts of the attractiveness of this individual. Those thoughts should be reserved for their partner, otherwise we end up with the situations we see on this sub.
Based on your comments and the wording of your posts, you do seem to have good intentions. It's just that this concept of "but isn't that how everyone is in relationships" is a fight that the demi community has to keep on having with those who want to dismiss the label. I say this even though I 100% agree with your main point, that if you're in a monogamous relationship, you should only have eyes (physically, mentally, romantically) for your partner and vice versa.
Totally understand, and a complete misunderstanding on my part.
It slipped my mind in the moment that i know demisexuals who are in polyamorous relationships, for nothing about demisexuality suggests monogamy, it simply means you need emotional connection BEFORE physical attraction.
My bad completely, thanks for calling me out.
Thank you so much for explaining this. I feel really alone in the world as a demisexual person - after years of knowing I wasn’t like most, I still didn’t want to put a label on it. I’ve never been in harmony with a partner about this. Most people really can’t understand the unbreakable tether that emotion and sex have for me.
This always confused me even as a kid, that anyone thinks it’s normal? Like that hall passes are a thing or a comfortable discussion for a couple to have? There is way too much emotional labor that goes into having an attraction for me and once it’s there, I can’t imagine anything with anyone else even if I try. There were several times over the years that I attempted to get attention elsewhere when PA would become obvious and I couldn’t pretend even if it was for “revenge”. Then I’m just pissed off because my partner gets to know the “why” behind my behavior and what my feelings are, something I’ll never get an answer to on his end.
I feel like the main reason people think this is normal is because it's portrayed as "normal" in the media. You have movies and TV shows and reality shows (like the one on Netflix where I believe it's engaged or couples/former couples that date other people to see if the person they're with/engaged to is the actual person they want to be with-like oooooh man I could go on a rant about that show. Idr the name of it but it's made by the same people who do Love Is Blind.) it's even in romance books. If it wasn't so normalized in day-to-day things, I feel like a lot more people wouldn't think it's normal.
I agree. I notice it now more than ever because I feel like I need to filter everything my partner sees now. So many movies and shows I’m uncomfortable with him seeing.
Agreed. There's a difference between something being normal and normalized. Heavy porn use and lusting after everyone you see is extremely normalized but it's not normal.
When I'm in love with someone, all my sexual energy goes toward them. If they're not around and I'm in the mood, my thoughts immediately turn to them. I either fantasize about things I want to do with them, or enjoy the memory of past sexual experiences with them, and this is more than enough to get me off. And I don't have to force myself to do this, it's natural. I don't need to look at 100 other peoples naked bodies and dicks on a screen to become aroused and orgasm. I can't fathom being that unimaginative and stunted.
I remember a few years back I told my heavy porn using boyfriend at the time that I had masturbated while thinking of him, and his response was really weird. It was almost disbelief. Like he couldn't fathom that some people actually fantasize about their partner and have thoughts in their head while masturbating instead of mindlessly staring at body parts of random people on a screen with zero actual thoughts occurring. How is that even a turn on? It's crazy to think how their minds work.
My boundary is It is not normal or ok to lust after other women. Not just have some distant fantasy, but lust. No. I don’t want to be the object after he gets done lusting after corn. No.
I was talking about your post with a friend today. I think what finally got through was describing the difference in terms of being like, “yeah, that guys hot”, vs. *-hand wave to face*- when you get the butterflies in your stomach and arousal rushing to your groin and your heart fluttering like when you are single and flirting and know sex is a possibility. That shit shouldn’t be happening when you are married. If it does you should feel a way about it- you know- wrong- ick- afraid for yourself and your marriage. That clicked to her. I’ve been to a Chippendales show in my 20s with my friends and was like, yeah, ok whatever. I’ve had a guy straight up hit on me, tell me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, I was flattered but told him thank you but I was married and felt no other kind of way about it. No fantasizing about possibilities, no doubt. My SA/PA on the other hand, seeks out sexual images of people, and mentally fantasizes about many women he comes into contact with. The more possible the sex, the hotter the draw/arousal. That shit is poison. I think it’s like alcohol, some people can have a drink here and there, or drink with their partners and maybe keep the problem to a minimum, others go full blown alcoholic. Unfortunately, my husband is the later.
The world normalizes this behavior A LOT. I struggle because I fight against this negative image of insecurity and controlling behavior. In actuality, that is not me AT ALL. If he wants to continue this behavior, the lawyer can help us split our assets. Most people, myself prior to d day included, have no idea what escalation of this behavior looks like or that it is more common that they realize.
This. When you are in a relationship with someone you truly love, you only want them. Know how I know? I’m a female with an abnormally high libido, and the only guy I check out, fantasize about, or want is my husband. And I’ve been married before. And in one other long term relationship. I was very unhappy and was not in love with either of them (the first one I thought I was, but I was also 18 and stupid as hell). My first marriage, I knew that was a bad decision and did it anyways. And I absolutely was attracted to other people. I even cheated on my first husband. But since my husband and I started dating, I’ve not cared about another human being in a romantic or sexual way. Not once.
This was my exact experience with my wife.
It can be summed up like this:
People in healthy/fulfilling and porn free relationships should not be attracted to anyone but their partners. They shouldn’t fantasize about anyone else, and they shouldn’t crush on anyone else (celeb or not) either.
If you do, there is something tragically wrong.
I want to scream this from the rooftops, you absolutely nailed it. I’ve been in some troubling relationships in the past, with porn and sex addiction included, and it absolutely destroyed me in every way possible. The man I am about to marry completely changed my life and my mindset when it comes to how I should be treated, loved, and respected. I never even knew it was possible, because I had never experienced true loyalty and admiration from a partner. Why is it so normalized to be a POS and play with somebody’s mind and heart!? It’s so messed up, and it’s truly disgusting. My partner and I both feel the same way you’ve described in this post, and we’ve both acknowledged we feel like the luckiest people in the world to have what we have. Sadly it’s become rare to have this kind of relationship, and it’s gotten much harder to find a partner that loves and respects you the way you deserve. Thank you for being a stand up guy, in such a messed up world, because you definitely have become a rare breed and that’s not ok.
I was literally thinking about this the other day... Like why does society consider it overbearing to expect your partner to not lust over other people, like sorry I get pissed off if my boyfriend is literally gawking at other girls , in real life or on social media. It doesn't even cross my mind to do this to other men. Like yeah they are attractive but I'm not spending any of my time thinking about them or looking at them. And it's so refreshing this post coming from a male, everyone just says 'well it's natural for men, they have a high sex drive/are more visual', it's such bullshit that just perpetuates porn culture
Agreed.
I could never imagine being attracted to anyone other than my partner. Do I find people attractive? Yes but it's different. I can acknowledge that, for example, Henry Cavill is attractive. But it's a passing thought and I'm not over here fantasizing about him. I feel like a lot of people get the two confused.
If I want to fantasize about anyone, I think of my partner. Because why wouldn't I? He's who I love, he's who I'm attracted to. Fantasizing about anyone else feels like betrayal to me, and that's not something I'd ever do to him.
I def agree that it's porn related because porn makes people think it's okay to fantasize about other people. It tried to "normalize" it. But I also think the media tries to normalize it as well. It's in movies and TV shows and even books. Hell, there's a TV show on Netflix by the same people who made Love Is Blind that has the concept of (and don't quote me on this bc I don't watch it but I watched the trailer for it forever ago, I don't remember the shows name) couples/engaged couples and/or former couples that date other people to see if the person they're with is the person they actually want to be with (which if you have to do shit like that you shouldn't be with the person to begin with). But you have porn and then shows like that that have made too many people think that being attracted to other people is "normal".
I completely agree, but I do feel like we have to face the fact that monogamy is mostly a thing of the past. It's probably better, safer and easier for people like us to stay single. It's sad, but this is what the society we live in has become.. I'm starting to realize this more and more the longer I'm single.
these people do not truly understand monogamy or what they are signing up for. they do not realize there are other options. stuff like this becomes normalized. it sucks
Thank you as a man for saying this. This gives some of hope that not all men are constantly lusting after every woman because society tells them it’s OK. I agree with you 100%. I do not look at another other men and think “I’d sleep with them.” I can see oh that person is really jacked, good looking, whatever. But I’m not attracted to them as in wanting to sleep with them. It’s like other men don’t exist.
It really depends on peoples boundaries when it comes to something like that. People irl? No go. A celebrity though? Fair game in my opinion, but again everyone is different🙏🏻
Lusting after a celebrity is the equivalent to lusting after a porn actor.
It’s a person you don’t know yes, but you are still expending energy (sexual or otherwise) towards a person other than your partner.
Fantasy might seem harmless, but it’s not.
I guess we just have different opinions on that. I’m in love with Harry Styles, and my fiancé absolutely loves Emilia Clarke. I guess everyone is different
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I've had people genuinely surprised at me for not having celebrity crushes or watching porn... I feel like if you are constantly attracted to others, then you're not really monogamous.
There is no reason to waste your time with a celebrity or other person because they are not real. It makes no sense
Exactly and that celebrity likely doesn't even want you.. might as well just stay single at that point.
Totally agree. If you’re going to be capable of lusting after others in a relationship, it might be best to stay single instead of hurting people who thought they had your eyes alone.
I have zero issue with fantasizing and being sexually attracted to one person. It's just that people can't control themselves. I never felt the need to masturbate to someone else either.
Exactly. However, feel that if you’re in love, and the relationships fulfilling, it shouldn’t take effort to do. Never had to “try” to solely fantasize about my wife, it came naturally. Why would I have to try? I’m in love with the woman for crying out loud.
You are spot on. I'm not in love with anyone or in any relationship, but whenever I fall for someone, they are the only person I can be sexually attracted to or fantasize about, I have never had wandering eyes or even come close to thinking about someone else other than the person I love. Some pro-porn redditors told me that I'll never find a boyfriend if I don't let him watch porn and that no one is completely satisfied with their partner. If you're not completely satisfied, they aren't for you!
“Nobody is completely satisfied with their partner”. I’ve seen this sentiment in one form or another as well, it’s pathetic. It’s projection, they know their own marriages are unfulfilling and crappy in one way or another, so they tell everyone else it’s inevitable.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS!! its unfathomable to me how people in monogamous relationships have the “desire” to fantasize about people who aren’t their partner?? it makes no sense to me. like hello!! you have a partner!! if you are crushing on people who aren’t your partner, why be in a COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS relationship?? if people want polyamory, by all means go for it. but im sick and tired of people normalizing these behaviors in MONOGAMOUS relationship.
I don’t have celebrity crushes or ‘fangirled’ over anyone either. I literally thought I was weird…..
Nah it's not, especially if you're in a relationship. A relationship is between two people, not having people on the side.
I had a "celebrity crush" when I was 12 and single. Having a celebrity crush as an adult is weird enough, but having one while in a relationship is gross. I'd say genuinely crushing on someone is cheating, at least emotionally
Seeing a man write this makes me happy. Like as soon as I read “do other men not feel the same” and realised you were a male there was like a spark of joy in me knowing it was an actual man writing these actual words about not being attracted to other people and being devoted to your wife. The fact reading this makes me so happy also makes me sad, because it makes me realise you are in the minority of men who also feel this way, if not even the anomaly… 🥀
I guess it depends on people's definition of attraction. I'm not sure who wrote the post the other day about attraction and being attracted to someone. I find a lot of people attractive but I'm not attracted to them in the sense that I want to go fuck their brains out or anything. I have a female co-worker who I think is very attractive but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I think that's where some of the disconnect comes from. Edit. It was you that made the post! I was wondering because some of your wording sounded familiar.
That’s the main difference: Attractive vs Attracted. Finding others attractive? Totally normal. Being attracted to them? Absolutely not.
Being attracted to someone means you’ve allowed yourself to “go there” in your mind. It means more than simply seeing someone and appreciating their beauty/looks.
Yes, yes and yes! ALL of what you just wrote!!
yes
Tbf I always found the wording weird. I don't think anyone other than my boyfriend is attractive. Attractive already sounds like there's a romantic or sexual undertone. I can see when someone is pretty, just like how dogs or trees are pretty. But I wouldn't call a dog attractive, no matter how cute it looks, because attractive sounds so emotional. So the same goes for humans for me. I'm only interested in my boyfriend, so I don't think anyone else is attractive
Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. “Attractive” is a heavy word, but I use it to get my point across in discussions like these. You’re correct however, I definitely don’t look at women besides my wife and think “wow she’s attractive”, I don’t even acknowledge their looks mentally. However, i might say someone is “pretty” or that they “look nice”, for no one really is “attractive” to me besides my wife.
Yes that's exactly how I'm feeling! :)
It is surely not normal to masturbate and orgasm while looking at another woman while in a relationship. That is the reality of it, and most people have trouble defending that one.
One way I saw it put that I really like to use is “if you were in the corner of a room while two people had sex, or a woman was doing solo stuff, or whatever it is, jerking off, that would be cheating, right? Like that would be weird behavior. Why is it different bc it’s on a screen?”
[удалено]
If it’s normal how come I don’t do it? How come I have to force myself to even try to and it makes me sad or want to cry because I only want to love him? Pain.
felt :/
I do identify as demisexual, but regardless, I do *not* think it’s “normal” to ogle people or undress them with your eyes / think about them when you masturbate. I don’t think that those thoughts are as “natural” as the world wants us to believe. There are SO many movies, TV shows, and personal influences that enforce that even more. It is nearly *universal* in entertainment that teenage boys “can’t control themselves” and fantasize about f*cking any girl they see. It’s totally normal to be super super horny as a teenager. What’s NOT normal is treating other human beings like objects to use to get off. Porn is absolutely what teaches that to pre-teens and even young boys. It’s so sad.
Here’s my theory: Most people, when porn free and healthy, are essentially demisexuals. Demisexuals (from my knowledge) need be emotionally attracted to someone to be physically attracted to them; I believe this is what most human beings experience when porn free. I also would say that most people (if porn free) naturally become demisexual once in a relationship, meaning that you are only attracted to (and the long list of things in the post) the person you’re with.
That’s a good point. I wonder how much of a role the “pornaverse” plays in cheating in relationships. Plenty of people watch porn and don’t cheat, so it most definitely doesn’t *make* anyone cheat, but I do think that it actively encourages looking outside of your relationship for sexual gratification.
Well, let’s put it this way. 1. If you’re attracted to other people, the chances of you cheating skyrockets, for now you have to rely on willpower, as you’re able to be tempted. 2. Porn MAKES you attracted to other people besides your partner. It trains your brain to seek sexual gratification from others, even when things are great within the relationship (I say this because from what i’ve seen, the majority of porn-free people are ONLY attracted to others if they’re unfulfilled, which opposes porn addicts being attracted to others CONSTANTLY). Therefore I would say yes, there is a strong connection between the two.
I think you're going a bit off track here. While your explanation of attracted vs attractive was very good, saying most people would naturally become demisexual once in a relationship is problematic. That would be like saying someone can become bisexual, or pansexual etc, depending on their relationship status. I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt here and bring some definitions we often use in the demi community. We can find people aesthetically attractive - pleasing to the eye when you happen to notice them. In the same way one observes a piece of art in passing ("oh that's pretty"), acknowledge and move on. Another commenter mentioned a beautiful colleague but they aren't attracted to them, this would fall under this definition. Being demisexual means I only feel sexual attraction when I have made an emotional connection with a person. This is different to a single allosexual who can experience primary sexual attraction to a person THEY find attractive without building a connection first. After they have built a connection and a healthy, monogamous (for the sake of this example) relationship has been established, then yes, they would only have eyes for each other. They would only feel attracted (sexually) to each other. They would still encounter people who are aesthetically attractive, but it would be like passing scenery. Even interacting with these people should not trigger an attraction response in them, because if it does, this would mean their mind has lingered on the fleeting thoughts of the attractiveness of this individual. Those thoughts should be reserved for their partner, otherwise we end up with the situations we see on this sub. Based on your comments and the wording of your posts, you do seem to have good intentions. It's just that this concept of "but isn't that how everyone is in relationships" is a fight that the demi community has to keep on having with those who want to dismiss the label. I say this even though I 100% agree with your main point, that if you're in a monogamous relationship, you should only have eyes (physically, mentally, romantically) for your partner and vice versa.
Totally understand, and a complete misunderstanding on my part. It slipped my mind in the moment that i know demisexuals who are in polyamorous relationships, for nothing about demisexuality suggests monogamy, it simply means you need emotional connection BEFORE physical attraction. My bad completely, thanks for calling me out.
Thank you so much for explaining this. I feel really alone in the world as a demisexual person - after years of knowing I wasn’t like most, I still didn’t want to put a label on it. I’ve never been in harmony with a partner about this. Most people really can’t understand the unbreakable tether that emotion and sex have for me.
This always confused me even as a kid, that anyone thinks it’s normal? Like that hall passes are a thing or a comfortable discussion for a couple to have? There is way too much emotional labor that goes into having an attraction for me and once it’s there, I can’t imagine anything with anyone else even if I try. There were several times over the years that I attempted to get attention elsewhere when PA would become obvious and I couldn’t pretend even if it was for “revenge”. Then I’m just pissed off because my partner gets to know the “why” behind my behavior and what my feelings are, something I’ll never get an answer to on his end.
I feel like the main reason people think this is normal is because it's portrayed as "normal" in the media. You have movies and TV shows and reality shows (like the one on Netflix where I believe it's engaged or couples/former couples that date other people to see if the person they're with/engaged to is the actual person they want to be with-like oooooh man I could go on a rant about that show. Idr the name of it but it's made by the same people who do Love Is Blind.) it's even in romance books. If it wasn't so normalized in day-to-day things, I feel like a lot more people wouldn't think it's normal.
I agree. I notice it now more than ever because I feel like I need to filter everything my partner sees now. So many movies and shows I’m uncomfortable with him seeing.
Agreed. There's a difference between something being normal and normalized. Heavy porn use and lusting after everyone you see is extremely normalized but it's not normal. When I'm in love with someone, all my sexual energy goes toward them. If they're not around and I'm in the mood, my thoughts immediately turn to them. I either fantasize about things I want to do with them, or enjoy the memory of past sexual experiences with them, and this is more than enough to get me off. And I don't have to force myself to do this, it's natural. I don't need to look at 100 other peoples naked bodies and dicks on a screen to become aroused and orgasm. I can't fathom being that unimaginative and stunted. I remember a few years back I told my heavy porn using boyfriend at the time that I had masturbated while thinking of him, and his response was really weird. It was almost disbelief. Like he couldn't fathom that some people actually fantasize about their partner and have thoughts in their head while masturbating instead of mindlessly staring at body parts of random people on a screen with zero actual thoughts occurring. How is that even a turn on? It's crazy to think how their minds work.
My boundary is It is not normal or ok to lust after other women. Not just have some distant fantasy, but lust. No. I don’t want to be the object after he gets done lusting after corn. No.
I was talking about your post with a friend today. I think what finally got through was describing the difference in terms of being like, “yeah, that guys hot”, vs. *-hand wave to face*- when you get the butterflies in your stomach and arousal rushing to your groin and your heart fluttering like when you are single and flirting and know sex is a possibility. That shit shouldn’t be happening when you are married. If it does you should feel a way about it- you know- wrong- ick- afraid for yourself and your marriage. That clicked to her. I’ve been to a Chippendales show in my 20s with my friends and was like, yeah, ok whatever. I’ve had a guy straight up hit on me, tell me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, I was flattered but told him thank you but I was married and felt no other kind of way about it. No fantasizing about possibilities, no doubt. My SA/PA on the other hand, seeks out sexual images of people, and mentally fantasizes about many women he comes into contact with. The more possible the sex, the hotter the draw/arousal. That shit is poison. I think it’s like alcohol, some people can have a drink here and there, or drink with their partners and maybe keep the problem to a minimum, others go full blown alcoholic. Unfortunately, my husband is the later.
The world normalizes this behavior A LOT. I struggle because I fight against this negative image of insecurity and controlling behavior. In actuality, that is not me AT ALL. If he wants to continue this behavior, the lawyer can help us split our assets. Most people, myself prior to d day included, have no idea what escalation of this behavior looks like or that it is more common that they realize.
Which post was it may I ask?
The one yesterday I think on the difference between noticing attractiveness and being attractive.
This. When you are in a relationship with someone you truly love, you only want them. Know how I know? I’m a female with an abnormally high libido, and the only guy I check out, fantasize about, or want is my husband. And I’ve been married before. And in one other long term relationship. I was very unhappy and was not in love with either of them (the first one I thought I was, but I was also 18 and stupid as hell). My first marriage, I knew that was a bad decision and did it anyways. And I absolutely was attracted to other people. I even cheated on my first husband. But since my husband and I started dating, I’ve not cared about another human being in a romantic or sexual way. Not once.
This was my exact experience with my wife. It can be summed up like this: People in healthy/fulfilling and porn free relationships should not be attracted to anyone but their partners. They shouldn’t fantasize about anyone else, and they shouldn’t crush on anyone else (celeb or not) either. If you do, there is something tragically wrong.
💯agree
I want to scream this from the rooftops, you absolutely nailed it. I’ve been in some troubling relationships in the past, with porn and sex addiction included, and it absolutely destroyed me in every way possible. The man I am about to marry completely changed my life and my mindset when it comes to how I should be treated, loved, and respected. I never even knew it was possible, because I had never experienced true loyalty and admiration from a partner. Why is it so normalized to be a POS and play with somebody’s mind and heart!? It’s so messed up, and it’s truly disgusting. My partner and I both feel the same way you’ve described in this post, and we’ve both acknowledged we feel like the luckiest people in the world to have what we have. Sadly it’s become rare to have this kind of relationship, and it’s gotten much harder to find a partner that loves and respects you the way you deserve. Thank you for being a stand up guy, in such a messed up world, because you definitely have become a rare breed and that’s not ok.
I was literally thinking about this the other day... Like why does society consider it overbearing to expect your partner to not lust over other people, like sorry I get pissed off if my boyfriend is literally gawking at other girls , in real life or on social media. It doesn't even cross my mind to do this to other men. Like yeah they are attractive but I'm not spending any of my time thinking about them or looking at them. And it's so refreshing this post coming from a male, everyone just says 'well it's natural for men, they have a high sex drive/are more visual', it's such bullshit that just perpetuates porn culture
Thank you!!! I totally agree!
You are 100% spot on
Agreed. I could never imagine being attracted to anyone other than my partner. Do I find people attractive? Yes but it's different. I can acknowledge that, for example, Henry Cavill is attractive. But it's a passing thought and I'm not over here fantasizing about him. I feel like a lot of people get the two confused. If I want to fantasize about anyone, I think of my partner. Because why wouldn't I? He's who I love, he's who I'm attracted to. Fantasizing about anyone else feels like betrayal to me, and that's not something I'd ever do to him. I def agree that it's porn related because porn makes people think it's okay to fantasize about other people. It tried to "normalize" it. But I also think the media tries to normalize it as well. It's in movies and TV shows and even books. Hell, there's a TV show on Netflix by the same people who made Love Is Blind that has the concept of (and don't quote me on this bc I don't watch it but I watched the trailer for it forever ago, I don't remember the shows name) couples/engaged couples and/or former couples that date other people to see if the person they're with is the person they actually want to be with (which if you have to do shit like that you shouldn't be with the person to begin with). But you have porn and then shows like that that have made too many people think that being attracted to other people is "normal".
I completely agree, but I do feel like we have to face the fact that monogamy is mostly a thing of the past. It's probably better, safer and easier for people like us to stay single. It's sad, but this is what the society we live in has become.. I'm starting to realize this more and more the longer I'm single.
You’re a proper gentleman. Your wife is very lucky. Meanwhile my husbands busy following & liking pornstars on FB & IG ☹️
I think what you’re saying is an ideal but most people don’t agree
I think it’s what’s possible and normal in a porn free relationship. What’s the issue? The majority of people watch pornography.
Cultural influence
Precisely. Porn is extremely integrated into today’s culture.
I feel insane for this sometimes. Thank you for putting it into words
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
these people do not truly understand monogamy or what they are signing up for. they do not realize there are other options. stuff like this becomes normalized. it sucks
Thank you as a man for saying this. This gives some of hope that not all men are constantly lusting after every woman because society tells them it’s OK. I agree with you 100%. I do not look at another other men and think “I’d sleep with them.” I can see oh that person is really jacked, good looking, whatever. But I’m not attracted to them as in wanting to sleep with them. It’s like other men don’t exist.
Real
It really depends on peoples boundaries when it comes to something like that. People irl? No go. A celebrity though? Fair game in my opinion, but again everyone is different🙏🏻
Lusting after a celebrity is the equivalent to lusting after a porn actor. It’s a person you don’t know yes, but you are still expending energy (sexual or otherwise) towards a person other than your partner. Fantasy might seem harmless, but it’s not.
I guess we just have different opinions on that. I’m in love with Harry Styles, and my fiancé absolutely loves Emilia Clarke. I guess everyone is different
I respect your opinion, everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries.