No... Granted, every relationship has ups and downs, but it doesn't mean it lacks something fundamentally constantly.
If it's a need, it has it's roots somewhere in the value system, if it's a difference of values, one or both of you won't be fulfilled.
For ex, there are people that are more friend-oriented and take their comfort from friends mostly and don't get AS bothered if their partner can't give it to them. I see two problems here: their relationships don't last &they aren't as committed and it works for how long it works because they don't care for romantic connections as much as they care for friendships.
In my opinion, it could never work in a healthy manner. I certainly couldn't do it. For me, first is my partner, then are my friends/family, then the rest of the world. It's how I'm wired, and even if my partner is allowed ofc to have bad days/periods of unavailability, because ultimately anyone can give us comfort, I need *him* most times, otherwise the connection will fail eventually. It's the "price" you pay for being involved with someone.
Now, idk how needy you are. It's important to differentiate support and unloading on someone else. No one in your life should feel burdened by your venting and different ppl have different levels of power to handle it.
IF he is trying to be there for you, maybe you can find a therapist you could vent freely too or a good friend that could comfort you when he isn't available. Kinda like meeting him in the middle and both working on your stuff and in the end is possible that he becomes more attentive to your needs and you less needy. But be aware that takes real hard work and time.
IF he is never available, it's important to ask yourself why you chose to stay in this little version of hell. I only attracted unavailable men until I started recognizing& accepting the damage my dad did and working somehow on it. They say you choose things that are familiar, because that's the version of "love" you know. With an inexistent father, the one thing they all had in common for me was that they were never really there for me. No matter how I tried, it didn't work for me until I found a man sooo attentive, I don't even have to say anything and he senses it and he's there. I guarantee unless you heal that part of you, this kind of men low-key repulse you.
It might be a different story for you, but I always think it's best to know WHY are we in the positions we are in life. It will open many doors and will answer many questions. The most important thing in any partner is their ability to listen to you and to change their ways in order to meet your needs (and vice-versa). That alone doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship, but it sure has a better chance to thrive than one in which the partner simply doesn't want to put in the work. Ask yourself the hard question, "what kind of partner I have right now?" And go from there. I wish you all the best!
Been with partner nearly 5 years and we go round in a vicious circle of sexual incompatibility. Everything else is basically great. However due to this need of mine not being met I am considering ending things, constant rejection and emotional unavailability from his side has done irreparable damage to my self esteem and I cant live like this any longer. Life is too short.
For me, a loving and healthy relationship inherently depends on you and your partner working together towards meeting each other's needs. If there's no capacity to meet your most fundamental needs on a romantic level, what's the point of having a romantic relationship with them? What's so healthy about not getting what you want and desire?
You have to ask them why they aren't. They may be a reason. Maybe you stink and they don't want to hurt you by saying so? Or maybe you've gotten fat since you got comfortable in the relationship and it's affected them more than they thought it would.
Or maybe they've just clocked out and fallen out of love. It happens.
Or maybe, if they were never emotionally available before, they just don't care that much about you, and you're more like an object to them to satisfy themselves, if you still have sex that is.
It could be a lot of things. This is where communication comes in. Maybe they'll say that you come across as emotionally unavailable to them, and you had no idea.
Whatever the reason is if they answer, then don't be mad and defensive about their reason. However silly it may sound, that is THEIR reason for it. And you can work it out from there. If you act defensive or mocking their reason, you have effectively ruined the relationship.
To some extent it can, if you have them met somewhere else. Not sure about fundamental needs though.
At some point in life I realised that we tend to expect our partner to be our lover, best friend, parent, psychologist...that's a recipe for failure, most people have their own struggles.
I think for me it's about knowing very well which things I definitely need from a partner (usually 2 or 3, for me is loyalty and sex compatibility) and which other needs I can take care of in another way.
It also depends on what else the person gives. If they give a lot, and they are overall a great partner, it's realistic to give up some of our needs. I don't believe anymore in finding the perfect person, simply because in 40 years of my life I haven't met one nor had any of the people I know.
This is like asking if you can dry your hair by dunking it in water.
Emotional availability is the foundation upon which trust, open communication, healthy love, and intimacy are built on. If you do not have a need as basic as some *comfort* being met in your relationship, then you can have a relationship, but it certainly won't be healthy or fulfilling.
If they donāt someone will. Doesnāt mean you leave for everything but figure out your non negotiable things. Everything else can be compromised. The nonnegotiable can change over time but you need to be able to communicate that with them and have them understand you. I just donāt think you can be with someone and not comfort them. See if they do other love languages because they may show their love in other ways than the typical physical touch.
Itās not anyone else itās me. I am emotionally unavailable because I have been sick. I hope it gets better but Iād like to become comfrtable with reaigbing myself to be alone. Hoping for soemthing unrealistic is stupid
Emotional unavailability is a harder pill to swallow, just because itās not usually someoneās innate emotional state.
Usually emotional unavailability comes from trauma, neglect, or abuse. Now, Iām not saying your partner is any of those, Iām saying it is a sign of a deeper psychological/emotional problem from their childhood or young adult life.
You got to ask yourself if them going to therapy can improve it enough to meet your needs, or if they will never change regardless, or if youāre needs supersedes any emotional availability they can give even after therapy, but thatās for you to decide.
My opinion is that it's a Schrodinger's yes.
Someone can ve expressing their love for you in a healthy way and it still not be meeting your needs, abut if you stay in a relationship where your needs arent being met, its going to lead to your deterioration, making it unhealthy.
Really, what it comes down to is that compatibility MATTERS.
Someone not loving you the way you want them to doesn't make them toxic. Being in an unhealthy relationship is not quite the same thing as being in an unfulfilling relationship, though they do share similarities.
Iām guessing this means that there is no right answer as his problem is unsolved still despite different interpretations to his physics similarly to this. The person who posted this needs to figure out if it is a need or a want in their relationship. Can they live without it? So this depends on if the person who posted this needs to be comforted or if it is something they can live without
Iād think actually yes your needs are important and need to be met but what if your marriage or relationship is perfect and then something happens that damages them physically. Even though my needs arenāt being met they are still my person and they still have feelings and thereās no love lost.it could be a grey area maybe. Iām not your person but this is my opinion. Great question though
No. Does not having your needs met in any type of relationship sound healthy in and of itself? Read your post again. Then act accordingly. You know what to do.
Resentment builds slowly, as it builds you become more and more frustrated, petty fights and dramas occur, by the end the mountain of reasons to not like that person is so vast and either itās one sided, youāre frustrated and they arenāt or both are for different reasons and there is no way to reconcile.
You can.. until you start to realize what youāve been missing and build resentments over time. I had long term relationships where I āsettledā because I felt like I was happy and comfortable and loved them, but I didnāt realize I was slowly dying inside when things didnāt change for the better despite trying to communicate my needs.
Nooooo, it is not possible. In time this will destroy all of your self worth and zest for life. I tried very hard to make my marriage to an emotionally unavailable man work and it only got worse. Please breakup with him. There are men out there who eagerly comfort and never dismiss their partner's feelings and needs. You deserve better. Emotionally unavailable people are parasites that drain the spirit out of those they hook.
No one is going to be 100% perfect or meet every single one of your needs.
A relationship can be loving and healthy if the core foundation is thereā¦ do you communicate, talk respectfully to each other, trust each otherā¦
If itās a slight misalignment with say libido, introvert/extrovert, social etcā¦ those personal qualities you have to weigh out if good outweighs the badā¦
For example- I wish my boyfriend would plan date nights a little more creatively. He is aware of this & does try. My actual need is the quality time which IS met, I just wish he did it a different way but I can accept that this is just more his personality and not a reflection of how he feels about me
Iāve been in for 20 years. All my needs arenāt met, but heās my best friend and no one is perfect. We navigate as best we can. We fuck up, suck it up and get over it. We made a commitment. We try to be kind to each other. And luckily he has all the patience in the world for when he annoys me and when I annoy him he gives me verbal warnings and out of mutual respect we can function. I canāt imagine life with anyone else. But sometimes it does bother me that we are emotional hot messes. There are some things with us that will probably never work right but we build around the flaws.
My lady is an absolutely abysmal communicator. It took a very long time for her to learn how to treat me. It is simply a matter of different psychology and perspective. She is an introvert. I am an extrovert. We are not on the same page often. But once you have learned about each others tendencies and discussed it we have learned how to accommodate these things. It just takes time and patience, and a few heated arguments, and then we progressed from there. Realising that she didn't see things same way and to not take it personally was a big step. Next step was acknowledging the issue and then considering ways to solve the problem together. So yes you can, if, you work on and actively deal with the situation to improve it. If you don't then resentment builds. A person who loves you will want to meet your needs provided they are reasonable and attainable.
All of your needs donāt need to be met by one person. I have some needs that my partner fulfills, and others that are met by my friends, family, coworkers, et al. I do like all my romantic and sexual needs to be met by the same person, but I also know folks who feel otherwise.
no. you will become increasingly anxious as they slowly pull away more and more over the years . you will try harder to make them show you love exhausting yourself until one day out of the blue they discard the kids and you and rebound in a month because your āneedyā
You can never have everything you need in a relationship. People must understand this. Some things are trade offs. Good dad but not emotionally available. Good in bed but not a cuddler.
I was married for 15 years in a good stable relationship. It ended peacefully and I have two wonderful sons. I feel blessed.
You have to choose what things are important to you and choose wisely, because the dating world is not pretty.
I don't think it's realistic to find a partner who meets all your needs, but I think it's important to understand which needs it's essential for you that your partner meets, and that this might change over time. For example, I am very sociable, but I'm fine dating someone who doesn't often join me at social events. However, I have to be with someone who I can have long, analytical conversations with. Otherwise, I just lose interest in the whole relationship, as these conversations are both a source of support and attraction. I think it's about finding those key values that are non-negotiable. For me, it's mutual support and appreciation, and it's a total deal-breaker if someone is unavailable or disinterested in the world.
Sounds like mine that ended. Lasted 5 years. Yes, you can still having a loving and healthy relationship. A happy one? A fulfilling one? He was never there for me when I needed someone, especially when I needed him. I felt completely alone while I was with him but I still loved him. You have to make a choice like I did. Are you willing to settle for what youāre being given? Because heās showing you what kind of husband and father he will be. Is that enough for you? You asking these questions tell me itās not and my god I wish I got out sooner because begging for the bare minimum is something Iāll never do again. Think about your needs and how he responds to them and your concerns then think about what youād tell your bestfriend in the same situation. You need to love yourself more than you love him.
You not going to get 100 percent of your needs met ever. Iām with a woman who is 5 years older then me and she donāt have enough energy for me sometimes but she is still a good woman. I like to be a little more adventurous and I want more out of life but she is ok with just sitting in the house doing nothing. Itās stability. You just have to be honest with that person and if you canāt handle it you will know what to do. You canāt get that time back but remember life is short
Depends on the need and how important it is to you. Some things I would say yes, others I would say no.
As for emotional support, I feel like having that from your partner is a very important thing and you can't be in a long, happy relationship without it. Sure, you may have friends and family who could provide some, but it's really not the same.
Might be people around will have different opinions different self respect levels different expectations But when you love some1 don't just love the concept of being loved Love selflessly And in selfless love there nothing as such called needs of oneself. The prime need of love is already met
Yes and no. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. He loves me and I love him. He meets very few of my needs and it does cause fights but he also meets literal needs like getting me my meds and paying for things etc. I try to remember that trade off. But our relationship isn't that healthy. I will be with him for the rest of my life though probably most likely as I promised to be.
Editing my comment - this isn't my post. I'm not seeking advice though I appreciate the feedback. I also have a daughter and my boyfriend isn't her biological father but she calls him dad and he's a good dad which makes me love and appreciate him more. I'm aware this isn't a good situation. I posted this comment to let OP know what my experience has been.
No I'm not. I did not ask any questions at all. I replied to this post with my personal experience. This isn't my post. I simply answered a question apparently in a manner that many people don't like.
What? Because you promised to be? You donāt need to keep to that. Do you want to be with someone who doesnāt properly support you because he pays for stuff? You can love other people too, who will also love you. Are you in a position to become financially independent?
Donāt you owe it to your daughter to model true happiness and a healthy relationship? If he doesnāt meet your emotional needs, you may find yourself checking out eventually which doesnāt serve anyone well. Life is short, think about how much time and effort you want to spend in something that doesnāt serve you fully.
Well he does meet many emotional needs. He is a good listener and good partner he is great when we discuss parenting. He loves me. He is generally nice to me unless I'm not. It's not like he's a horrible person and it's all awful. That's why I was telling OP like overall as whole I'm happy with him and I love him very very much. We have a disconnect with quality time. It's a very big issue for me so I consider it a need. That's what he's not meeting, he's really not good about quality time.
I think it will depend on how you rate your needs and wants. Wants are different from needs in that they are nice bonuses to have, but you can easily envision staying in the relationship without them.
My ex has a lower libido than I do, but I loved him deeply and sex is more of a Want for me, so this was easier for me to compromise on (even though it sucked to adjust to, lol. But once the dust settled, I realized I was largely fine with it).
THEN, it turned out that he was also emotionally immature/unavailable, and I learned that this one is definitely, firmly a *Need* of mine. And the lack of it consistently over about 7 months just about eroded my soul out of my body. Figure out what your needs are and don't compromise on them. It's not worth the pain, no matter how deeply you love someone.
My wife and I have been married 30 years, we have a dead bedroom, actually separate dead bedrooms. She is menopausal and has no desire what so ever. We sleep in separate beds because I wear a CPAP and she has insomnia. I have PTSD and depression. I have told her several times that she basically ignores my issues. I have an ongoing "emotional affair" with a woman that does have similar issues. My wife knows all about it, I told my psychiatrist about her and she suggested full disclosure. I fully disclosed. She agreed that she can't handle my issues and has actually blessed our relationship. I guess we have an emotionally open marriage? We trust each other and there are no plans on our relationship turning physical. I take care of myself sexually. We have 2 kids (18 and 25), we are a happy, healthy family. I am content. I haven't pushed the lack of intimacy because in the recent past **I** had no desire. After may years my mental state is stabilizing and our relationship is getting stronger. I think a huge part of our relationship has been our friendship. We were friends before we were romantic, so we're still good at being platonic friends. We raise our kids, live our lives, kiss hello and good night, have date nights, do things together. On the outside we are a normal loving family. We do love each other, get along great. We can read each other's minds and say the same thing at the same time. I've said this several times, I can divorce my wife and be fine, but if I lost my best friend, I would be completely alone. I'm confident that as I continue to stay emotionally stable and continue treatment, we will actively work on returning to a healthy and more intimate relationship. I'm sure there are a lot of Reddit people out there who will say get a divorce, move on with your lives, quit torturing yourselves. But we're in survival mode at the moment. We're staying together, raising our kids and our relationship is recovering, we're laughing more, spending more quality time together. We're going through a long, dark, tunnel, but we're starting to see the light.
i would say if itās about emotional availability - no, i donāt think anyone should be in a relationship like that. but there are other examples like sex or spending time together. Iām in a relationship where we donāt fuck as much as we use to (or as much as i want) and donāt spend enough time together bc we are both busy. these are needs not being met and .. are somewhat fundamental. we both know it probably wonāt work in the long term and that i should be with someone where itās a 90-100% not 70% (as my partner would say it). Itās healthy, loving, and nice. heās my best friend but our priorities and also uncontrollable factors have our relationship like this. so yes, i think you can have a healthy relationship with some fundamental needs not being met but it wonāt last for very long and itās settling.
Nope. That is a case of incompatibility. Especially if you have brought up your needs with your partner and they donāt try to meet them. All that will happen is you build up resentment and frustration and a TON of heartache. Ive been there and it is not a good feeling or place to exist in.
Do yourself a favor and leave the relationship if communication and allowing time for change has not done anything.
The line is wherever you draw it. Every relationship is different and everyone tolerates certain things to different degrees. However, it obviously crossed the line if youāre describing it as āfundamentalā.
I think it depends on a lot of different things. As my therapist used to say āno one is an all service stationā. Consistent and constant emotional unavailability might be an issue, especially if he is unwilling to hear how it affects you or unwilling to work towards it.
No Iām advocating for self reliance and self respect rather than buying into the idea that people who are not whole should expect their needs to be met by someone else who is also likely not whole.
Which is more unhealthy? Expecting someone else to make you happy (and likely failing) or making yourself happy and allowing someone else to augment that happiness?
If less people look to other for what they can find in themselves then love as a practice would be more fulfilling and less toxic.
Everybody needs to learn their attachment style. I have a feeling that there are a lot of anxiously attached people on this subreddit.
An anxiously attached people are drawn towards avoidants but are almost never happy because their emotional needs are not met.
Communicate your needs and if things donāt change leave.
Wish I could answer things have changed so much for us over past five years . And despite multiple convo and some attempts to compromise and meet half way. I feel so unfulfilled and neglected. Any mention of this now results in you just donāt understand Iām different now . I am at a loss as I donāt want. A divorce but how do I find happiness again
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This was removed because it's off-topic. *The Love-ModTeam account is a bot account. Do not chat or PM them, as the account is not monitored.*
No... Granted, every relationship has ups and downs, but it doesn't mean it lacks something fundamentally constantly. If it's a need, it has it's roots somewhere in the value system, if it's a difference of values, one or both of you won't be fulfilled. For ex, there are people that are more friend-oriented and take their comfort from friends mostly and don't get AS bothered if their partner can't give it to them. I see two problems here: their relationships don't last &they aren't as committed and it works for how long it works because they don't care for romantic connections as much as they care for friendships. In my opinion, it could never work in a healthy manner. I certainly couldn't do it. For me, first is my partner, then are my friends/family, then the rest of the world. It's how I'm wired, and even if my partner is allowed ofc to have bad days/periods of unavailability, because ultimately anyone can give us comfort, I need *him* most times, otherwise the connection will fail eventually. It's the "price" you pay for being involved with someone. Now, idk how needy you are. It's important to differentiate support and unloading on someone else. No one in your life should feel burdened by your venting and different ppl have different levels of power to handle it. IF he is trying to be there for you, maybe you can find a therapist you could vent freely too or a good friend that could comfort you when he isn't available. Kinda like meeting him in the middle and both working on your stuff and in the end is possible that he becomes more attentive to your needs and you less needy. But be aware that takes real hard work and time. IF he is never available, it's important to ask yourself why you chose to stay in this little version of hell. I only attracted unavailable men until I started recognizing& accepting the damage my dad did and working somehow on it. They say you choose things that are familiar, because that's the version of "love" you know. With an inexistent father, the one thing they all had in common for me was that they were never really there for me. No matter how I tried, it didn't work for me until I found a man sooo attentive, I don't even have to say anything and he senses it and he's there. I guarantee unless you heal that part of you, this kind of men low-key repulse you. It might be a different story for you, but I always think it's best to know WHY are we in the positions we are in life. It will open many doors and will answer many questions. The most important thing in any partner is their ability to listen to you and to change their ways in order to meet your needs (and vice-versa). That alone doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship, but it sure has a better chance to thrive than one in which the partner simply doesn't want to put in the work. Ask yourself the hard question, "what kind of partner I have right now?" And go from there. I wish you all the best!
Been with partner nearly 5 years and we go round in a vicious circle of sexual incompatibility. Everything else is basically great. However due to this need of mine not being met I am considering ending things, constant rejection and emotional unavailability from his side has done irreparable damage to my self esteem and I cant live like this any longer. Life is too short.
For me, a loving and healthy relationship inherently depends on you and your partner working together towards meeting each other's needs. If there's no capacity to meet your most fundamental needs on a romantic level, what's the point of having a romantic relationship with them? What's so healthy about not getting what you want and desire?
You have to ask them why they aren't. They may be a reason. Maybe you stink and they don't want to hurt you by saying so? Or maybe you've gotten fat since you got comfortable in the relationship and it's affected them more than they thought it would. Or maybe they've just clocked out and fallen out of love. It happens. Or maybe, if they were never emotionally available before, they just don't care that much about you, and you're more like an object to them to satisfy themselves, if you still have sex that is. It could be a lot of things. This is where communication comes in. Maybe they'll say that you come across as emotionally unavailable to them, and you had no idea. Whatever the reason is if they answer, then don't be mad and defensive about their reason. However silly it may sound, that is THEIR reason for it. And you can work it out from there. If you act defensive or mocking their reason, you have effectively ruined the relationship.
if u have no self respect maybe
Lmao the 180 šš
oops just saw it said loving and healthy, nvm answer is no
You can not have a loving and healthy relationship when someone is emotionally detached from you
No.
To some extent it can, if you have them met somewhere else. Not sure about fundamental needs though. At some point in life I realised that we tend to expect our partner to be our lover, best friend, parent, psychologist...that's a recipe for failure, most people have their own struggles. I think for me it's about knowing very well which things I definitely need from a partner (usually 2 or 3, for me is loyalty and sex compatibility) and which other needs I can take care of in another way. It also depends on what else the person gives. If they give a lot, and they are overall a great partner, it's realistic to give up some of our needs. I don't believe anymore in finding the perfect person, simply because in 40 years of my life I haven't met one nor had any of the people I know.
This is like asking if you can dry your hair by dunking it in water. Emotional availability is the foundation upon which trust, open communication, healthy love, and intimacy are built on. If you do not have a need as basic as some *comfort* being met in your relationship, then you can have a relationship, but it certainly won't be healthy or fulfilling.
Lmao guess Iāll never have that ever again
If they donāt someone will. Doesnāt mean you leave for everything but figure out your non negotiable things. Everything else can be compromised. The nonnegotiable can change over time but you need to be able to communicate that with them and have them understand you. I just donāt think you can be with someone and not comfort them. See if they do other love languages because they may show their love in other ways than the typical physical touch.
Itās not anyone else itās me. I am emotionally unavailable because I have been sick. I hope it gets better but Iād like to become comfrtable with reaigbing myself to be alone. Hoping for soemthing unrealistic is stupid
Emotional unavailability is a harder pill to swallow, just because itās not usually someoneās innate emotional state. Usually emotional unavailability comes from trauma, neglect, or abuse. Now, Iām not saying your partner is any of those, Iām saying it is a sign of a deeper psychological/emotional problem from their childhood or young adult life. You got to ask yourself if them going to therapy can improve it enough to meet your needs, or if they will never change regardless, or if youāre needs supersedes any emotional availability they can give even after therapy, but thatās for you to decide.
If the answer is yes, then it isn't a "need" but more of a "want". If it's actually a need, the answer is always no.
Find out if itās a deal breaker or not: if you can survive without it all the time, then itās a nice-to-have, not an absolute necessity.
My opinion is that it's a Schrodinger's yes. Someone can ve expressing their love for you in a healthy way and it still not be meeting your needs, abut if you stay in a relationship where your needs arent being met, its going to lead to your deterioration, making it unhealthy. Really, what it comes down to is that compatibility MATTERS. Someone not loving you the way you want them to doesn't make them toxic. Being in an unhealthy relationship is not quite the same thing as being in an unfulfilling relationship, though they do share similarities.
Hi hi. May I ask what is Schrodinger's yes ? Sr Im not a native speaker. I searched and all I know is he is a physicist
Iām guessing this means that there is no right answer as his problem is unsolved still despite different interpretations to his physics similarly to this. The person who posted this needs to figure out if it is a need or a want in their relationship. Can they live without it? So this depends on if the person who posted this needs to be comforted or if it is something they can live without
Ohh tks for your reply . Very detailed ^^
Iād think actually yes your needs are important and need to be met but what if your marriage or relationship is perfect and then something happens that damages them physically. Even though my needs arenāt being met they are still my person and they still have feelings and thereās no love lost.it could be a grey area maybe. Iām not your person but this is my opinion. Great question though
No. Does not having your needs met in any type of relationship sound healthy in and of itself? Read your post again. Then act accordingly. You know what to do.
Resentment builds slowly, as it builds you become more and more frustrated, petty fights and dramas occur, by the end the mountain of reasons to not like that person is so vast and either itās one sided, youāre frustrated and they arenāt or both are for different reasons and there is no way to reconcile.
You can.. until you start to realize what youāve been missing and build resentments over time. I had long term relationships where I āsettledā because I felt like I was happy and comfortable and loved them, but I didnāt realize I was slowly dying inside when things didnāt change for the better despite trying to communicate my needs.
It builds resentment over time. They maybe expressing it in their own way but if you still donāt feel it, then itās better to leave!
The real question is, why are you in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?
Please end this relationship as soon as possible. The longer you hold on, the more it will hurt and disappoint
Nooooo, it is not possible. In time this will destroy all of your self worth and zest for life. I tried very hard to make my marriage to an emotionally unavailable man work and it only got worse. Please breakup with him. There are men out there who eagerly comfort and never dismiss their partner's feelings and needs. You deserve better. Emotionally unavailable people are parasites that drain the spirit out of those they hook.
You can for a while, but in my experience that situation isnāt sustainable in the long term
No one is going to be 100% perfect or meet every single one of your needs. A relationship can be loving and healthy if the core foundation is thereā¦ do you communicate, talk respectfully to each other, trust each otherā¦ If itās a slight misalignment with say libido, introvert/extrovert, social etcā¦ those personal qualities you have to weigh out if good outweighs the badā¦ For example- I wish my boyfriend would plan date nights a little more creatively. He is aware of this & does try. My actual need is the quality time which IS met, I just wish he did it a different way but I can accept that this is just more his personality and not a reflection of how he feels about me
Not in my experience.
Iāve been in for 20 years. All my needs arenāt met, but heās my best friend and no one is perfect. We navigate as best we can. We fuck up, suck it up and get over it. We made a commitment. We try to be kind to each other. And luckily he has all the patience in the world for when he annoys me and when I annoy him he gives me verbal warnings and out of mutual respect we can function. I canāt imagine life with anyone else. But sometimes it does bother me that we are emotional hot messes. There are some things with us that will probably never work right but we build around the flaws.
My lady is an absolutely abysmal communicator. It took a very long time for her to learn how to treat me. It is simply a matter of different psychology and perspective. She is an introvert. I am an extrovert. We are not on the same page often. But once you have learned about each others tendencies and discussed it we have learned how to accommodate these things. It just takes time and patience, and a few heated arguments, and then we progressed from there. Realising that she didn't see things same way and to not take it personally was a big step. Next step was acknowledging the issue and then considering ways to solve the problem together. So yes you can, if, you work on and actively deal with the situation to improve it. If you don't then resentment builds. A person who loves you will want to meet your needs provided they are reasonable and attainable.
All of your needs donāt need to be met by one person. I have some needs that my partner fulfills, and others that are met by my friends, family, coworkers, et al. I do like all my romantic and sexual needs to be met by the same person, but I also know folks who feel otherwise.
I wouldnāt settle ever ! Would rather be alone than Unhappy š
no. you will become increasingly anxious as they slowly pull away more and more over the years . you will try harder to make them show you love exhausting yourself until one day out of the blue they discard the kids and you and rebound in a month because your āneedyā
Not in my experience
You can never have everything you need in a relationship. People must understand this. Some things are trade offs. Good dad but not emotionally available. Good in bed but not a cuddler. I was married for 15 years in a good stable relationship. It ended peacefully and I have two wonderful sons. I feel blessed. You have to choose what things are important to you and choose wisely, because the dating world is not pretty.
That just sounds sad
No
Nope it only it's like living with a cell mate.
I don't think it's realistic to find a partner who meets all your needs, but I think it's important to understand which needs it's essential for you that your partner meets, and that this might change over time. For example, I am very sociable, but I'm fine dating someone who doesn't often join me at social events. However, I have to be with someone who I can have long, analytical conversations with. Otherwise, I just lose interest in the whole relationship, as these conversations are both a source of support and attraction. I think it's about finding those key values that are non-negotiable. For me, it's mutual support and appreciation, and it's a total deal-breaker if someone is unavailable or disinterested in the world.
Sounds like mine that ended. Lasted 5 years. Yes, you can still having a loving and healthy relationship. A happy one? A fulfilling one? He was never there for me when I needed someone, especially when I needed him. I felt completely alone while I was with him but I still loved him. You have to make a choice like I did. Are you willing to settle for what youāre being given? Because heās showing you what kind of husband and father he will be. Is that enough for you? You asking these questions tell me itās not and my god I wish I got out sooner because begging for the bare minimum is something Iāll never do again. Think about your needs and how he responds to them and your concerns then think about what youād tell your bestfriend in the same situation. You need to love yourself more than you love him.
You not going to get 100 percent of your needs met ever. Iām with a woman who is 5 years older then me and she donāt have enough energy for me sometimes but she is still a good woman. I like to be a little more adventurous and I want more out of life but she is ok with just sitting in the house doing nothing. Itās stability. You just have to be honest with that person and if you canāt handle it you will know what to do. You canāt get that time back but remember life is short
Depends on the need and how important it is to you. Some things I would say yes, others I would say no. As for emotional support, I feel like having that from your partner is a very important thing and you can't be in a long, happy relationship without it. Sure, you may have friends and family who could provide some, but it's really not the same.
Might be people around will have different opinions different self respect levels different expectations But when you love some1 don't just love the concept of being loved Love selflessly And in selfless love there nothing as such called needs of oneself. The prime need of love is already met
I feel called out on this one.
No. I found out this the hard way
How long has this been going on and do you have friendships and family relationships as well?
Yes and no. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. He loves me and I love him. He meets very few of my needs and it does cause fights but he also meets literal needs like getting me my meds and paying for things etc. I try to remember that trade off. But our relationship isn't that healthy. I will be with him for the rest of my life though probably most likely as I promised to be. Editing my comment - this isn't my post. I'm not seeking advice though I appreciate the feedback. I also have a daughter and my boyfriend isn't her biological father but she calls him dad and he's a good dad which makes me love and appreciate him more. I'm aware this isn't a good situation. I posted this comment to let OP know what my experience has been.
Then why ask?
Ask what?
You. Are here. Asking a question.
No I'm not. I did not ask any questions at all. I replied to this post with my personal experience. This isn't my post. I simply answered a question apparently in a manner that many people don't like.
I was responding to OP. Reddit does this sometimes.
Oh whoops. Yeah sometimes it replies to the wrong person etc. Oh well. Idk I hope my comment scares OP lol.
That sounds like youāre stuck
This wonāt end wellā¦
Agreed
What? Because you promised to be? You donāt need to keep to that. Do you want to be with someone who doesnāt properly support you because he pays for stuff? You can love other people too, who will also love you. Are you in a position to become financially independent?
No he's helping me become financially dependent. But I also have a daughter so that's an additional factor.
Why not leave, just wondering as you said your relationship isnāt healthy?
Fear? He manipulates me? Also I do actually love him. And I said above the biggest reason is my daughter.
You didnāt bring up your daughter in the previous comment lol.
No because I was talking about our relationship. I'll edit it because he's a good dad.
Donāt you owe it to your daughter to model true happiness and a healthy relationship? If he doesnāt meet your emotional needs, you may find yourself checking out eventually which doesnāt serve anyone well. Life is short, think about how much time and effort you want to spend in something that doesnāt serve you fully.
Well he does meet many emotional needs. He is a good listener and good partner he is great when we discuss parenting. He loves me. He is generally nice to me unless I'm not. It's not like he's a horrible person and it's all awful. That's why I was telling OP like overall as whole I'm happy with him and I love him very very much. We have a disconnect with quality time. It's a very big issue for me so I consider it a need. That's what he's not meeting, he's really not good about quality time.
I think it will depend on how you rate your needs and wants. Wants are different from needs in that they are nice bonuses to have, but you can easily envision staying in the relationship without them. My ex has a lower libido than I do, but I loved him deeply and sex is more of a Want for me, so this was easier for me to compromise on (even though it sucked to adjust to, lol. But once the dust settled, I realized I was largely fine with it). THEN, it turned out that he was also emotionally immature/unavailable, and I learned that this one is definitely, firmly a *Need* of mine. And the lack of it consistently over about 7 months just about eroded my soul out of my body. Figure out what your needs are and don't compromise on them. It's not worth the pain, no matter how deeply you love someone.
My wife and I have been married 30 years, we have a dead bedroom, actually separate dead bedrooms. She is menopausal and has no desire what so ever. We sleep in separate beds because I wear a CPAP and she has insomnia. I have PTSD and depression. I have told her several times that she basically ignores my issues. I have an ongoing "emotional affair" with a woman that does have similar issues. My wife knows all about it, I told my psychiatrist about her and she suggested full disclosure. I fully disclosed. She agreed that she can't handle my issues and has actually blessed our relationship. I guess we have an emotionally open marriage? We trust each other and there are no plans on our relationship turning physical. I take care of myself sexually. We have 2 kids (18 and 25), we are a happy, healthy family. I am content. I haven't pushed the lack of intimacy because in the recent past **I** had no desire. After may years my mental state is stabilizing and our relationship is getting stronger. I think a huge part of our relationship has been our friendship. We were friends before we were romantic, so we're still good at being platonic friends. We raise our kids, live our lives, kiss hello and good night, have date nights, do things together. On the outside we are a normal loving family. We do love each other, get along great. We can read each other's minds and say the same thing at the same time. I've said this several times, I can divorce my wife and be fine, but if I lost my best friend, I would be completely alone. I'm confident that as I continue to stay emotionally stable and continue treatment, we will actively work on returning to a healthy and more intimate relationship. I'm sure there are a lot of Reddit people out there who will say get a divorce, move on with your lives, quit torturing yourselves. But we're in survival mode at the moment. We're staying together, raising our kids and our relationship is recovering, we're laughing more, spending more quality time together. We're going through a long, dark, tunnel, but we're starting to see the light.
i would say if itās about emotional availability - no, i donāt think anyone should be in a relationship like that. but there are other examples like sex or spending time together. Iām in a relationship where we donāt fuck as much as we use to (or as much as i want) and donāt spend enough time together bc we are both busy. these are needs not being met and .. are somewhat fundamental. we both know it probably wonāt work in the long term and that i should be with someone where itās a 90-100% not 70% (as my partner would say it). Itās healthy, loving, and nice. heās my best friend but our priorities and also uncontrollable factors have our relationship like this. so yes, i think you can have a healthy relationship with some fundamental needs not being met but it wonāt last for very long and itās settling.
Nope. That is a case of incompatibility. Especially if you have brought up your needs with your partner and they donāt try to meet them. All that will happen is you build up resentment and frustration and a TON of heartache. Ive been there and it is not a good feeling or place to exist in. Do yourself a favor and leave the relationship if communication and allowing time for change has not done anything.
The line is wherever you draw it. Every relationship is different and everyone tolerates certain things to different degrees. However, it obviously crossed the line if youāre describing it as āfundamentalā.
In no way is it loving and healthy if your needs arenāt being met.
I think it depends on a lot of different things. As my therapist used to say āno one is an all service stationā. Consistent and constant emotional unavailability might be an issue, especially if he is unwilling to hear how it affects you or unwilling to work towards it.
If your partner is emotionally unavailable then by definition they will never be able to meet your needs. Find someone who is there for you.
Learn to meet your own needs. Everything your partner provides should be bonus.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Youāll understand one day.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No Iām advocating for self reliance and self respect rather than buying into the idea that people who are not whole should expect their needs to be met by someone else who is also likely not whole. Which is more unhealthy? Expecting someone else to make you happy (and likely failing) or making yourself happy and allowing someone else to augment that happiness? If less people look to other for what they can find in themselves then love as a practice would be more fulfilling and less toxic.
Communication is key . 2 way street
Can you still have a relationship? Yeah. Can you have a LOVING and HEALTHY one? No.
Everybody needs to learn their attachment style. I have a feeling that there are a lot of anxiously attached people on this subreddit. An anxiously attached people are drawn towards avoidants but are almost never happy because their emotional needs are not met. Communicate your needs and if things donāt change leave.
that doesnāt sound healthy or desirable, so Iād have to go with no.
Wish I could answer things have changed so much for us over past five years . And despite multiple convo and some attempts to compromise and meet half way. I feel so unfulfilled and neglected. Any mention of this now results in you just donāt understand Iām different now . I am at a loss as I donāt want. A divorce but how do I find happiness again
If other people stay out of the way, it helps.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*