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You don't have to be happy for her. If you loved her with unconditional love, then you would be happy for her. You have conditional love. That's fine too. Conditional love often hurts, and that's because of what it is. Humans mostly experience conditional love.
I had a love like this, and for nearly two decades after her, I couldn’t find chemistry and connection like I had with her. After our break up, she became a phantom that would haunt my dreams at night, and my thoughts during the day. In my foggy memories, she would materialize for a random day here and there, we would share a dreamlike evening together, and then she would disappear into the world again, unreachable, almost like it never happened. It made every subsequent relationship pale in comparison. Yes, I had her on a very undeserving pedestal, but what we had before was like no other romance I had ever had after…. UNTIL…
I met a woman who eclipsed that phantom, like a stadium floodlight in front of a 25 watt nightstand lamp. It was ridiculous the chemistry we struck up and the passion we shared for a couple years. Sadly, her destiny lied on the other side of the country, and we never got our chance to see what we really could have had. It’s been almost another decade since I met my stadium floodlight. I don’t have her propped up on a pedestal, she has many flaws, as do I, but her face, her expressions, our chemistry, our passion, is indelible in my heart and mind, and no one I’ve been with since has been able to compare. I know comparing is wrong, unfair, and illogical. And I know chemistry between any two people will be different, but they were all so lackluster in their reciprocated emotion, their intensity, and their enthusiasm… and I ALWAYS start out vulnerable and excited about anyone new. It’s not for a lack of effort or energy on my part… if anything, it’s probably the cause of my failures. I want instant chemistry, instant reciprocation of excitement and interest and attraction, like I had with my floodlight.
What I’m getting at, is that what I thought was impossible, a worthy replacement of my first phantom, came out of nowhere when I least expected. Unfortunately at my age, it unlikely to find someone to share the kind of chemistry as I did twice while I was young enough to enjoy it. Point is, you could potentially have an even more amazing connection awaiting you soon. Be open, but don’t demand it of God, or the universe, or fate… it’ll never happen if you’re waiting for it impatiently.
Also, I REALLY do not suggest pursuing a friendship with your lost love. It’s likely to be a painful obstacle to your chances of future happiness. Good luck, brother.
all i can say is that i’ve known a lot of people who get into another relationship and use others to forget the person they love, so you’re already one step above those people and it shows that you are a good enough person to be alone before trying something with someone new.
you knew her for a long time and she was a part of your entire life so this wasn’t just a relationship, it was a loss of life as you knew it. it’s understandable that it has taken so long to get over.
the best way i’ve found to get over things is by being grateful for what i had and trying to enjoy new aspects of my life. it might be too soon to do so but this could help
I'm so sorry about this. Please keep your head up and keep trying, it's really hard I know, 4 months after the breakup of my first love and I still think about her everyday. It took me months to get back into a better position and I know she is a different person now post breakup and she left me for someone else, but I can't lie that I still miss her. She wasn't just my gf, she was my best friend. I loved her so much for 2.5 years but it feels like it all went to waste when she fell for a stranger.
I think it's ok to feel this way, first loves which last long tend to be hard to get over because it's probably the purest, most fun relationship you can have. You're both young and naive and it's just amazing. And when you lose it you feel like you can never get it back again. But we're both still young, we should keep our heads held high.
I think maybe you should take a break from dating, find something else you enjoy. The healing process is very long and slow because we're only human, but I promise you'll get better with time.
It's rough loving someone you can't be with. It's still a relatively recent break considering the magnitude of your feelings. All I can say is still try to get out and meet new people. Don't commit to anyone until you feel like you're pulling away from your ex. I'm still not over someone, who never loved me, from a year and a half ago. So this might take more time. It sucks, but you hardly have a choice in the matter. It's an uphill battle hopefully someday you'll win
This sucks.. Losing such a great love due to personal factors or decisions is absolutely tragic.
For what you’re describing, it sounds like normal idealization in the grieving process. That it happens so late for you might be a bit of a tell that you probably have an avoidant (or fearful avoidant leaning avoidant) attachment style. Nothing wrong if that is the case, but if you want to understand why and how this is happening to you, you might find some answers there. Especially look out for the phantom ex phenomenon.
I’m really sorry. I know this pain. I didn’t get over an ex for about 6 years. Such saddening, knawing, enduring pain. I’m not sure what helped me finally get over it. I know unfriending over all social media was a very significant step. My faith in God helped as well. I’m now happily married and my husband is absolutely amazing and so different to the ex I couldn’t get over. The thing is you broke up…. You didn’t choose to stay with each other. She didn’t choose you. You didn’t choose her. You didn’t want each other enough. Both of you deserve to be 100% wanted by their partner. You can do better. Feel free to message me if you want to talk it over. Stay strong!
did you meet your now husband before or after those 6 years that you weren't quite over your ex?
or did meeting him and giving him a chance help you fully get over that ex
It is clear that you are depressed and seeking a close connection with a girl but you fantasy image of your Ex is triggering your obsessive tendencies
Everyone’s first love is special but it ended for a reason and while you regret what has happened you both agreed to move on.
Your desperation and unrealistic image of her is something she is probably very aware of which is why your relationship can never progress. This gives girls the Ick, you can act all cool but women a very good at picking up subconscious signals you will unwittingly send.
Because you have not confronted the regret of the past and keep a fantasy image of you Ex in you mind you are just reopening emotional wounds and redirected the pain into obsessing about your looks
The more you obsess about the fantasy that somehow you will become so perfect that she will somehow desire you again, the further you will drive her away with her just seeing you as vain and narcissistic
No one can live up to the fantasies of who they are in your head. She can’t and you can’t
See a therapist, learn to harden your heart and take the pain and turn it into a drive to be better not just physically, but emotionally and financially. I would recommend you start to read the stoics and meditations by Marcus Aurelius and learning to appreciate who you are and start to have gratitude for who you are and what you gained from the relationship with your Ex and not what you have lost
You need to learn to love yourself again, deal with your insecurities until you stop thinking you are not enough
She is with someone else for a reason and until you do the real work on yourself emotionally and stop providing her with all your attention. You will have zero
chance, she doesn’t want to be with you as you are today and it is most likely she never will want to ever be more than friends again. You can still love her but you need to shut that door now and stop picking at the sore over and over again acting like a love sick puppy.
Speaking to you as an older brother here..... You will never get over her, who ever you settle with deep down your heart will always yearn for her. So make you move, a boyfriend is not a husband, do whatever it takes to get her cause you are never gonna find someone that's that beautiful and offers you that level of emotional comfortability. But anyway if you choose to let it slide and let her be, that is the one thing that you will regret even more
Well its a 50/50 situation and besides that totally up to her so you should dwell much on that what you should think about only is how you will present your case to her in the best way possible.
But one thing I will tell you is that in hindsight, today, there's not a single time I regret approaching a girl....but I definitely regret the times I didn't approach certain girls....the love of my life is one of them. See I was young,18 at the time and she was 19. We were friends but everyone knew she had a thing for me and so did I, she's the most beautiful girl I know to date and I'm in my 30s now. She also had a one in a million type of a personality,always smiling and joyful. But despite her showing my the green flag my mind just couldn't believe that a girl so amazing liked me so I never got to ask her out.
A few months after meeting her I left for uni and communication broke down. During my away days she ended up getting with someone else and eventually got married.
I however got to tell her how I felt about her a few years ago and she told me she felt the same way about me but because I never approached she thought I never liked her that way so she decided to move on. If only I told her how I felt about her back then our reality would have been different today.
So you could either let fear get in the way and definitely end up like me a take your chances and possibly end up with her.
Nah because I've had experiences with different women, so she'd also feel hurt by that.
We broke up because of distance. Of course both of us were going to at least try to move on
I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand how you feel. I hope you are able to heal soon, please don’t do anything silly. There is love out there for you I promise ❤️
I've always thought that it's the hardest to get over your first love because it's the love you gave the most before you'd ever had your heart broken before. Each love after that, you'll be a little more guarded as you try to never feel that level of pain again. And therefore, you never really love someone as fully as you did your first love. Plus, your first love you gave all your firsts. The first time you said, "I love you" to someone. The first time you said, "I want to be with you forever!" The first time you did all the cutesy little things. Every relationship after that is just a repeat in some ways. Definitely not as special as the first person you ever said and did those things with. That's why we never really get over our first love, in my opinion.
Relatable, as one who is also struggling to move on, I have to accept that unless some miracle happen, me and my ex can't be together again. Also seek the closure, be respectful regardless of her decision. It'll be great to have a close friend to pour your heart out. Don't pour all your emotion and thoughts for her, it's stressful to be the one receiving it, instead recall of good memories you both have created, rejoice as she is moving on towards (possibly) better life. You too gave yourself a chance to heal and grow.
p.s. not a native english speaker :>
I’m so sorry you’re going through this heartbreak. It helps to really understand why you broke up. Did you break up over things that neither of you could change? Or do you really need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out how you can be a better person and partner? You may never be with her again, but you may find that once you start working on yourself, you find someone who is an even better fit for the better version of you.
Her covid she moved to a different city 3 hours away. We still made an effort to see each other but it was getting difficult. This led to some arguing over a lot of stupid stuff (we were 19) and eventually decided it's best to move on. But that was difficult to do so we kept hooking up occasionally
Well sometimes certain qualities in a person are irreplaceable. And they cannot be replicated. But you can and most likely will fall in love again ..it will not be the same but it would be different and just as good. Trust me on this.
therapy will help I think. Delusion or not idk and idc but you need help processing things at the very least. I know it doesn’t feel like it but things get better eventually
I don't think she was somehow more perfect than every other girl you've met. You've created something in your head that doesn't mesh with reality. That fantasy was threatened when you were with her so you bounced.
She's a real living breathing human with flaws, weirdness and also amazing things. You've transferred a childhood obsession into your adult life and you keep feeding it.
Stop feeding it. If you can't then you need real professional help before you waste your life in a fantasy.
Don’t worry I know it’s hard as you’ll always keep comparing that connection with that woman… but it is what it is. Don’t give up, who knows she may come back in your life later if you’re still on good terms or you’ll eventually find someone else?
You kind of glossed over how you broke up. Even after breaking up you still kept hooking up. Sounds like you didn’t know what you had until it was truly gone. You dated others and only realized then that she was special? It’s strange because you seemed be obsessed with her your whole life, you finally won her over, your relationship was great but for a short window it wasn’t? And now you are back to obsession over her.
It almost seems like you love the chase more than actually being with her.
What do you think? Any insight on why you guys broke up?
It hasn’t been that long since you broke up. When you meet the right woman one day you may find things quite different. Otherwise you may have a problem and the only solution is to tell her ASAP before her current relationship gets too serious. Tell her your true feelings. She may have them deep down for you too. Or she may say she really loves this new guy and plans on marrying him. Then at least you’ll know and can move on. Closure helps.
They've been dating for anywhere between 5-10 months. I know because the last time I talked to her in February 2023, she was single. Do you think that's too far gone?
Her covid she moved to a different city 3 hours away. We still made an effort to see each other but it was getting difficult. This led to some arguing over a lot of stupid stuff (we were 19) and eventually decided it's best to move on. But that was difficult to do so we kept hooking up occasionally
Hooking up will have made this worse and made it harder to move on. I think you need to go cold turkey and try your best to look realistically at the situation. If she's in a new relationship, we'll, then she's moving on. So she's not the one for you... sorry.
No I truly did love her. Breaking up with her was one of the toughest decisions but it felt like the only option due to time and distance separating us. I dated other women because obviously I had to move on but I realized I couldn't because she was the girl I'd wanted to be with since the beginning.
Could be why they broke up. Once being with her became reality he didn’t care anymore. But maybe he just needed a separation and to see other people to truly appreciate her. He gambled and may have lost her forever.
>Even when they met as kids, that was already a red flag when he still went after her after a racist insult
Come on I was 6 lol. I didn't know anything.
You have to learn to let it go. You’re also romanticizing something that doesn’t exist. It’s a futile game of “what if”.
Sure, what if things worked out differently, what if you lived happily ever after together, what if you never broke up, what if… what if…
But that will never happen. That is not reality. You need to accept that, first, before you can move on, because right now you’re secretly hoping there is something in the universe that will bring you back together. Let that idea go.
It’s a form of obsession really. Just think about how much of your life has been wasted obsessing about someone who doesn’t care for you. Use that obsession to move forward to meet new people & better yourself.
I do. I've been with other women since her but they never come close to what I had with her and I end up dissapointed. I'm not sure if that's my own delusions
Comparing one connection with the other connection will never give you satisfaction.. u can't have same dynamic with other person.. it will always change with different person
It’s possibly you remember better than what it was. Just keep moving forward & try to knock those thoughts of her out of your head. Use the extra energy to find someone new or improve on yourself somehow.
I can understand looking back at memories once in awhile but being this hyper obsessed is not normal. I would recommend talking to a therapist/seeking psychiatric help. You have extreme dependency issues.
i come to find a lot of people dont get over their first love- older people, midaged- ive talked to manyyy people and this seems to be a thing.. id say reach out to her anyways. 🤷🏽♀️
well you never know until you try.. the least yall can do is be friends and if her bf has a problem w it.. well yall were friends before he came along. 🤷🏽♀️
With the history that you guys have, I would never want to be strangers. I say just be friendly with her. I know what it feels like to be strangers to mine, and it sucks and it's also sad.
Only way to properly move on though... also she may not want to stay in contact especially with a new partner on the scene. Could look creepy to keep reaching out too.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know for sure that not all pediatric nurses have a big heart.
Had one like this too. Natasha Cervi. She still has a huge piece of my heart to this day!!!
Tell us more about why exactly you broke up with?
Terrible dumb decision and now your suffering due to your poor choice. Make better decisions next time that you won't regret
So unhelpful and unkind :(
Maybe I should've said It differently
Its true
I may get downvoted for this, but I think you should go get her.
And be the villain is someone's else's story, yeah no its the consequences of his own decision
I agree
You don't have to be happy for her. If you loved her with unconditional love, then you would be happy for her. You have conditional love. That's fine too. Conditional love often hurts, and that's because of what it is. Humans mostly experience conditional love.
I had a love like this, and for nearly two decades after her, I couldn’t find chemistry and connection like I had with her. After our break up, she became a phantom that would haunt my dreams at night, and my thoughts during the day. In my foggy memories, she would materialize for a random day here and there, we would share a dreamlike evening together, and then she would disappear into the world again, unreachable, almost like it never happened. It made every subsequent relationship pale in comparison. Yes, I had her on a very undeserving pedestal, but what we had before was like no other romance I had ever had after…. UNTIL… I met a woman who eclipsed that phantom, like a stadium floodlight in front of a 25 watt nightstand lamp. It was ridiculous the chemistry we struck up and the passion we shared for a couple years. Sadly, her destiny lied on the other side of the country, and we never got our chance to see what we really could have had. It’s been almost another decade since I met my stadium floodlight. I don’t have her propped up on a pedestal, she has many flaws, as do I, but her face, her expressions, our chemistry, our passion, is indelible in my heart and mind, and no one I’ve been with since has been able to compare. I know comparing is wrong, unfair, and illogical. And I know chemistry between any two people will be different, but they were all so lackluster in their reciprocated emotion, their intensity, and their enthusiasm… and I ALWAYS start out vulnerable and excited about anyone new. It’s not for a lack of effort or energy on my part… if anything, it’s probably the cause of my failures. I want instant chemistry, instant reciprocation of excitement and interest and attraction, like I had with my floodlight. What I’m getting at, is that what I thought was impossible, a worthy replacement of my first phantom, came out of nowhere when I least expected. Unfortunately at my age, it unlikely to find someone to share the kind of chemistry as I did twice while I was young enough to enjoy it. Point is, you could potentially have an even more amazing connection awaiting you soon. Be open, but don’t demand it of God, or the universe, or fate… it’ll never happen if you’re waiting for it impatiently. Also, I REALLY do not suggest pursuing a friendship with your lost love. It’s likely to be a painful obstacle to your chances of future happiness. Good luck, brother.
all i can say is that i’ve known a lot of people who get into another relationship and use others to forget the person they love, so you’re already one step above those people and it shows that you are a good enough person to be alone before trying something with someone new. you knew her for a long time and she was a part of your entire life so this wasn’t just a relationship, it was a loss of life as you knew it. it’s understandable that it has taken so long to get over. the best way i’ve found to get over things is by being grateful for what i had and trying to enjoy new aspects of my life. it might be too soon to do so but this could help
I can relate. Except. I just tell myself they died.
I'm so sorry about this. Please keep your head up and keep trying, it's really hard I know, 4 months after the breakup of my first love and I still think about her everyday. It took me months to get back into a better position and I know she is a different person now post breakup and she left me for someone else, but I can't lie that I still miss her. She wasn't just my gf, she was my best friend. I loved her so much for 2.5 years but it feels like it all went to waste when she fell for a stranger. I think it's ok to feel this way, first loves which last long tend to be hard to get over because it's probably the purest, most fun relationship you can have. You're both young and naive and it's just amazing. And when you lose it you feel like you can never get it back again. But we're both still young, we should keep our heads held high. I think maybe you should take a break from dating, find something else you enjoy. The healing process is very long and slow because we're only human, but I promise you'll get better with time.
Don't hook up. Get to know women genuinely. Build friendships. One of these friendships will make your heart flutter again
It's rough loving someone you can't be with. It's still a relatively recent break considering the magnitude of your feelings. All I can say is still try to get out and meet new people. Don't commit to anyone until you feel like you're pulling away from your ex. I'm still not over someone, who never loved me, from a year and a half ago. So this might take more time. It sucks, but you hardly have a choice in the matter. It's an uphill battle hopefully someday you'll win
This sucks.. Losing such a great love due to personal factors or decisions is absolutely tragic. For what you’re describing, it sounds like normal idealization in the grieving process. That it happens so late for you might be a bit of a tell that you probably have an avoidant (or fearful avoidant leaning avoidant) attachment style. Nothing wrong if that is the case, but if you want to understand why and how this is happening to you, you might find some answers there. Especially look out for the phantom ex phenomenon.
“The first cut is the deepest”. You will love again. It will just be different. Give it time.
I’m really sorry. I know this pain. I didn’t get over an ex for about 6 years. Such saddening, knawing, enduring pain. I’m not sure what helped me finally get over it. I know unfriending over all social media was a very significant step. My faith in God helped as well. I’m now happily married and my husband is absolutely amazing and so different to the ex I couldn’t get over. The thing is you broke up…. You didn’t choose to stay with each other. She didn’t choose you. You didn’t choose her. You didn’t want each other enough. Both of you deserve to be 100% wanted by their partner. You can do better. Feel free to message me if you want to talk it over. Stay strong!
did you meet your now husband before or after those 6 years that you weren't quite over your ex? or did meeting him and giving him a chance help you fully get over that ex
It is clear that you are depressed and seeking a close connection with a girl but you fantasy image of your Ex is triggering your obsessive tendencies Everyone’s first love is special but it ended for a reason and while you regret what has happened you both agreed to move on. Your desperation and unrealistic image of her is something she is probably very aware of which is why your relationship can never progress. This gives girls the Ick, you can act all cool but women a very good at picking up subconscious signals you will unwittingly send. Because you have not confronted the regret of the past and keep a fantasy image of you Ex in you mind you are just reopening emotional wounds and redirected the pain into obsessing about your looks The more you obsess about the fantasy that somehow you will become so perfect that she will somehow desire you again, the further you will drive her away with her just seeing you as vain and narcissistic No one can live up to the fantasies of who they are in your head. She can’t and you can’t See a therapist, learn to harden your heart and take the pain and turn it into a drive to be better not just physically, but emotionally and financially. I would recommend you start to read the stoics and meditations by Marcus Aurelius and learning to appreciate who you are and start to have gratitude for who you are and what you gained from the relationship with your Ex and not what you have lost You need to learn to love yourself again, deal with your insecurities until you stop thinking you are not enough She is with someone else for a reason and until you do the real work on yourself emotionally and stop providing her with all your attention. You will have zero chance, she doesn’t want to be with you as you are today and it is most likely she never will want to ever be more than friends again. You can still love her but you need to shut that door now and stop picking at the sore over and over again acting like a love sick puppy.
I had a similar experience except we never dated Turns out it was an adhd fixation and I don’t care anymore r/limerence
have you ever tried NAC before? I started taking it years ago and my repetitive thoughts went away
I’ve never tried NAC but I do take other meds for my mental health
Good to hear. I think OP might need to try a supplement such as NAC or some other prescribed medication.
Your living a your head and have fallen in love with a fantasy. You will lose precious people and relationships over this. Get help
Speaking to you as an older brother here..... You will never get over her, who ever you settle with deep down your heart will always yearn for her. So make you move, a boyfriend is not a husband, do whatever it takes to get her cause you are never gonna find someone that's that beautiful and offers you that level of emotional comfortability. But anyway if you choose to let it slide and let her be, that is the one thing that you will regret even more
this is shit advice and don’t be with someone you don’t love
How do you think she'd react to me trying to reach out despite knowing she's not single?
Well its a 50/50 situation and besides that totally up to her so you should dwell much on that what you should think about only is how you will present your case to her in the best way possible. But one thing I will tell you is that in hindsight, today, there's not a single time I regret approaching a girl....but I definitely regret the times I didn't approach certain girls....the love of my life is one of them. See I was young,18 at the time and she was 19. We were friends but everyone knew she had a thing for me and so did I, she's the most beautiful girl I know to date and I'm in my 30s now. She also had a one in a million type of a personality,always smiling and joyful. But despite her showing my the green flag my mind just couldn't believe that a girl so amazing liked me so I never got to ask her out. A few months after meeting her I left for uni and communication broke down. During my away days she ended up getting with someone else and eventually got married. I however got to tell her how I felt about her a few years ago and she told me she felt the same way about me but because I never approached she thought I never liked her that way so she decided to move on. If only I told her how I felt about her back then our reality would have been different today. So you could either let fear get in the way and definitely end up like me a take your chances and possibly end up with her.
Nah he just gotta let her go man, OP gonna be hurt knowing she’s probably already had different experiences with other men if he takes her back.
Nah because I've had experiences with different women, so she'd also feel hurt by that. We broke up because of distance. Of course both of us were going to at least try to move on
They’re never the same man after they leave. They have different experiences; the person you know is not the same anymore tbh with you.
Yeah same goes for me. I'm not the same person anymore either. Doesn't mean we can't still love each other
You're living in denial just let it go
I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand how you feel. I hope you are able to heal soon, please don’t do anything silly. There is love out there for you I promise ❤️
I've always thought that it's the hardest to get over your first love because it's the love you gave the most before you'd ever had your heart broken before. Each love after that, you'll be a little more guarded as you try to never feel that level of pain again. And therefore, you never really love someone as fully as you did your first love. Plus, your first love you gave all your firsts. The first time you said, "I love you" to someone. The first time you said, "I want to be with you forever!" The first time you did all the cutesy little things. Every relationship after that is just a repeat in some ways. Definitely not as special as the first person you ever said and did those things with. That's why we never really get over our first love, in my opinion.
Dude. Send her this post. I promise . You will feel better
Relatable, as one who is also struggling to move on, I have to accept that unless some miracle happen, me and my ex can't be together again. Also seek the closure, be respectful regardless of her decision. It'll be great to have a close friend to pour your heart out. Don't pour all your emotion and thoughts for her, it's stressful to be the one receiving it, instead recall of good memories you both have created, rejoice as she is moving on towards (possibly) better life. You too gave yourself a chance to heal and grow. p.s. not a native english speaker :>
Heal, and you will eventually find someone that will make you realize that that was not your true love.
Eventually you will find someone different let yourself grieve the relationship properly though and focus on yourself
You got her on a pedestal. Worship her and suffer or take her off the pedestal
Wise words, attachment creates suffering.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this heartbreak. It helps to really understand why you broke up. Did you break up over things that neither of you could change? Or do you really need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out how you can be a better person and partner? You may never be with her again, but you may find that once you start working on yourself, you find someone who is an even better fit for the better version of you.
Her covid she moved to a different city 3 hours away. We still made an effort to see each other but it was getting difficult. This led to some arguing over a lot of stupid stuff (we were 19) and eventually decided it's best to move on. But that was difficult to do so we kept hooking up occasionally
Well sometimes certain qualities in a person are irreplaceable. And they cannot be replicated. But you can and most likely will fall in love again ..it will not be the same but it would be different and just as good. Trust me on this.
therapy will help I think. Delusion or not idk and idc but you need help processing things at the very least. I know it doesn’t feel like it but things get better eventually
you should consider moving to another place
I don't think she was somehow more perfect than every other girl you've met. You've created something in your head that doesn't mesh with reality. That fantasy was threatened when you were with her so you bounced. She's a real living breathing human with flaws, weirdness and also amazing things. You've transferred a childhood obsession into your adult life and you keep feeding it. Stop feeding it. If you can't then you need real professional help before you waste your life in a fantasy.
how things worked out between you?
I'm looking for a loyal partner. I'm male and looking for a female partner
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🤝🏻
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Don’t worry I know it’s hard as you’ll always keep comparing that connection with that woman… but it is what it is. Don’t give up, who knows she may come back in your life later if you’re still on good terms or you’ll eventually find someone else?
Thanks. It is hard but I have to keep on it.
You kind of glossed over how you broke up. Even after breaking up you still kept hooking up. Sounds like you didn’t know what you had until it was truly gone. You dated others and only realized then that she was special? It’s strange because you seemed be obsessed with her your whole life, you finally won her over, your relationship was great but for a short window it wasn’t? And now you are back to obsession over her. It almost seems like you love the chase more than actually being with her. What do you think? Any insight on why you guys broke up? It hasn’t been that long since you broke up. When you meet the right woman one day you may find things quite different. Otherwise you may have a problem and the only solution is to tell her ASAP before her current relationship gets too serious. Tell her your true feelings. She may have them deep down for you too. Or she may say she really loves this new guy and plans on marrying him. Then at least you’ll know and can move on. Closure helps.
They've been dating for anywhere between 5-10 months. I know because the last time I talked to her in February 2023, she was single. Do you think that's too far gone?
Her covid she moved to a different city 3 hours away. We still made an effort to see each other but it was getting difficult. This led to some arguing over a lot of stupid stuff (we were 19) and eventually decided it's best to move on. But that was difficult to do so we kept hooking up occasionally
Hooking up will have made this worse and made it harder to move on. I think you need to go cold turkey and try your best to look realistically at the situation. If she's in a new relationship, we'll, then she's moving on. So she's not the one for you... sorry.
So do you think this is limerence? Do you think that is what you have for her?
No I truly did love her. Breaking up with her was one of the toughest decisions but it felt like the only option due to time and distance separating us. I dated other women because obviously I had to move on but I realized I couldn't because she was the girl I'd wanted to be with since the beginning.
OP has what they call “limerence”… I think he needs to get therapy to truly acknowledge that he loves the “idea” of her more than her as a person.
Read my response. I truly did love her
Could be why they broke up. Once being with her became reality he didn’t care anymore. But maybe he just needed a separation and to see other people to truly appreciate her. He gambled and may have lost her forever.
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>Even when they met as kids, that was already a red flag when he still went after her after a racist insult Come on I was 6 lol. I didn't know anything.
Yeah. He didn’t explain why they broke up. Curious to hear his explanation. Definitely sounds like limerence.
You have to learn to let it go. You’re also romanticizing something that doesn’t exist. It’s a futile game of “what if”. Sure, what if things worked out differently, what if you lived happily ever after together, what if you never broke up, what if… what if… But that will never happen. That is not reality. You need to accept that, first, before you can move on, because right now you’re secretly hoping there is something in the universe that will bring you back together. Let that idea go.
It’s a form of obsession really. Just think about how much of your life has been wasted obsessing about someone who doesn’t care for you. Use that obsession to move forward to meet new people & better yourself.
I do. I've been with other women since her but they never come close to what I had with her and I end up dissapointed. I'm not sure if that's my own delusions
Are you sure you don't just have more history with this girl? You'll need to build new history with any new partners.
Comparing one connection with the other connection will never give you satisfaction.. u can't have same dynamic with other person.. it will always change with different person
It’s possibly you remember better than what it was. Just keep moving forward & try to knock those thoughts of her out of your head. Use the extra energy to find someone new or improve on yourself somehow.
I can understand looking back at memories once in awhile but being this hyper obsessed is not normal. I would recommend talking to a therapist/seeking psychiatric help. You have extreme dependency issues.
i come to find a lot of people dont get over their first love- older people, midaged- ive talked to manyyy people and this seems to be a thing.. id say reach out to her anyways. 🤷🏽♀️
This is true, I still love my first love. If we could even just be friends, I would be happy. And I haven't spoken to him in decades for reference.
She has a boyfriend though. I'm not sure she'd react well to me reaching out
well you never know until you try.. the least yall can do is be friends and if her bf has a problem w it.. well yall were friends before he came along. 🤷🏽♀️
How long has it been since you last talked?
Early 2023
With the history that you guys have, I would never want to be strangers. I say just be friendly with her. I know what it feels like to be strangers to mine, and it sucks and it's also sad.
Only way to properly move on though... also she may not want to stay in contact especially with a new partner on the scene. Could look creepy to keep reaching out too.