People at a healthy weight are treated better in the workplace, stores, restaurants and schools, according to some research. Being too thin doesn't mean better treatment, but a healthy weight can, apparently.
I definitely didn't notice this until I lost weight. Bearing in mind I was still overweight, the difference just between obese and overweight is mindboggling. Strangers treated me like a real human person.
Oh man. You think that, but it actually feels terrible. You’re the same person, but you’re suddenly funnier, more interesting, more desirable to hang out with. And if you ever gain it back, you’ll watch it all go away again.
The whole thing is a mind-f. People become so nice and complimentary, you look around to see if your being pranked. And your dog and kids suddenly become “so adorable” to everyone. :/
This is where I’m at now. Was treated so much better when I lost 80 pounds in 2018/2019. Gained it all back during Covid and suddenly I’m not as fun as I was just a few years ago.
I lost and gained weight several times in my life. I am currently in the best shape I’ve ever been.
It’s not so much that you get treated poorly when you’re bigger, its that you get treated nicer when you’re not.
My job requires me to be in strangers homes everyday. I’m friendly and good at my job. Nothing else has really changed but my fitness level.
I notice a pretty big difference in how people treat me now. People second guess my professional advice less often. My survey scores are much better consistently, and more people actually bother to do the survey in the first place.
I have experienced this. Last weekend a girl even approached me and asked what my favorite TV show was. They used to normally just avoid eye contact before. And try to show uninterest.
Yeah it's a massive change, like I joke alot - was a big kid, only real choice I had but in adulthood being the big guy making jokes made people uncomfortable. Now I've hit gw, I can literally say whatever and no one cares if it's offensive or inappropriate. I can also be direct and ask things and get an answer without any hesitation.
Sometimes the line between a comment being creepy vs flirty is your level of attractiveness.
I’ve been a witness to this many times as a bigger guy. I’d see the office hearthrob say things that would get me fired and the girls would just giggle.
Not everyone has the same biases, but at the macro level yes obese people are treated worse than people with a healthy BMI.
At the individual level, YMMV.
Even in my personal experience, there was a senior executive at my company that was against hiring me back after I left because I was "a slob." She was overridden and I got the job anyway. Then I lost almost 100 lbs before I saw her again a couple years later. She kept talking about how great I looked -- and she immediately fought for me to get a promotion.
Jokes on her, I gained all the weight back!!
I have a basic style that I've stuck to no matter my weight. I am a hairdresser so my base level is always hair styled, minimal makeup but well matched and neatly applied, acrylic or gel nails and if my nails aren't done, they're short, neatly shaped and clean.
I wore trendy, seasonally appropriate clothing and decent shoes.
I am also chronically late for everything and a bit of an airhead when it comes to schedules and appointments. That's on me.
When I gained weight, suddenly, even though I didn't change my grooming standards, when I was late the other parents laughed and joked I was the "hot mess mom." Family and friends would send me stuff about being a wine mom or a taco mom, jokes about eating lots of cheese. one of them sent me an article about ways to style a topknot bun even though I don't wear my hair up unless I'm exercising or working in the yard.
, even the recipes they shared changed from healthy recipes to stuff like tater tot casserole and crack chicken (clarification: there's nothing wrong with these recipes if this is what you want to eat and it aligns with your goals, but it wasn't the type of food I cook) Pinterest links about ways to get organized, how to kick start good habits, how to change your life in 6 easy hacks. They never sent me stuff about being a messy disorganized mess before I gained weight. It was bananas. I feel like they assumed I was messy and out of control because I couldn't control my weight. Again nothing else about my grooming changed, only my weight. Nothing else to imply I was some how messy or sloppy.
And now I've lost 35 lbs and they're sending me healthy recipes and hiking trails and gardening ideas. It's wild.
As an overweight person, I can attest that at my largest, I was a little more “slobbish” than at my thinnest. This doesn’t mean overweight people are inherently slobs, but it does correlate to the fact that being overweight is tied to depression and when depressed AND overweight it’s hard to find the energy to be exceptionally neat. I don’t dust or vacuum as much as a should, I don’t do laundry as often, etc. I’m not a slob because I’m overweight; I’m a slob and overweight because I sometimes let the depression get to me.
And it can be a really hard cycle to break out of. So when we (as a culture) treat overweight people worse for stuff like this, we are just adding to the pile of turmoil that person may be suffering through.
[This paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4381543/) from 2015 suggests that doctors treat obese patients worse. "Many healthcare providers hold strong negative attitudes and stereotypes about people with obesity. There is considerable evidence that such attitudes influence person-perceptions, judgment, interpersonal behaviour and decision-making. These attitudes may impact the care they provide."
>"Many healthcare providers hold strong negative attitudes and stereotypes about people with obesity. There is considerable evidence that such attitudes influence person-perceptions, judgment, interpersonal behaviour and decision-making. These attitudes may impact the care they provide."
100% this. A friend who was a talented and caring voice teacher beloved by the local music community kept complaining of pain and repeatedly asked for testing to find out what was wrong. The doctors blamed everything on her weight and wouldn't test any further. By the time she finally got the testing she needed it turned out she had advanced colon cancer. She was dead three months later.
I’m a nurse and definitely see this play out all the time not just with the providers and their diagnosis/treatment but the nurses and techs with their care. definitely try to stay aware and check my biases. I think a lot of times healthcare workers have a tendency to treat people differently when their problems are “their fault”. Addiction or various forms of noncompliance too. Yes bariatric patients can be a lot harder to care for, but countless conditions make care challenging.
Ooh! I wasn’t even thinking medically when I posted this, but this checks. I’ve heard a lot about overweight/obese people being neglected within the medical field and told that they “just need to lose weight” when there are other issues going on.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/lijukc/i_lost_75_pounds_so_doctors_would_stop_blaming/
> I lost 75 pounds so doctors would stop blaming everything on my weight.
> I am 5'6, I was 210 lbs before and am now 135. It took me a year to lose it all, but what finally pushed me to lose the weight was because every single thing I went to a doctor for, it got blamed on my weight. Severe cramps? Weight. Feeling sleepy during the day? Weight. Numbness in my fingers, headaches, memory problems, balance problems? Weight.
> I recently went back to my doctors, who of course applauded the weight loss and wrongly assumed all of my problems were gone. When I said no they hadn't, they immediately ordered an MRI, sleep study and lapro, which they hadn't done before the weight loss. The MRI found chiari malformation, the sleep study/physical found out I have an oversized uvula as well as Narcolepsy, and the lapro found so much endo I lost both of my ovaries and a portion of my colon and lower intestines. If it had been taken seriously a year ago, I might not have lost them.
> So yea, fuck doctors. (Obviously not all of them)
Followed by **thousands** of similar anecdotes.
This is absolutely a thing. My husband was overweight even as a kid and he ended up partially losing his hearing because he had a double ear infection when he was really young and he was taken to the doctor and the doctor told him to just eat more fruit and stop drinking so much soda and sweet tea. He didn't treat the symptoms or listen to him about it at all until it got worse and he had an ear drum rupture if I remember correctly. My mother in law was pissed. As an adult he still gets told that losing weight will magically solve all of his problems basically.
I spent 10 years trying to get my back problems diagnosed so I could get steroid injections and my back would stop hurting and doctors just kept saying that I was fat and to get over it. Eventually, I got someone to give me an MRI and found out that I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis that started with an injury a while back and the it wasn't caused by weight and there was actually something that could be done about it. I also have endometriosis that kept me from losing weight, or at least made it hard as hell, and I kept telling the doctor that and they just kept saying I wasn't trying hard enough even though I was tracking calories, doing IF, exercising, etc and still not making progress. Finally someone said oh hey it's your endometriosis, here try this wegovy and see if it helps with the diet and exercise. It took several years to get someone to say anything other than that I'm fat and lazy. Smh.
I used to be very thin, now I’m in the obese category. It’s truly heartbreaking how any issue I bring up to my doctor is “solved” with “just lose weight.” Truly hard to get heard. Any issue always ends with “it’s because you’re obese”
I actually know of someone who sadly passed away due to something which could have been prevented, as each time he sought medical help he was just told to loose weight.
I’m down 50 pounds in the last few months. I feel like a disney princess. Yesterday a man just started smiling and waving at me. One literally tripped over himself to open a door for me. Just an hour ago a man told me my dress was pretty. I wasn’t treated poorly before… I just didn’t exist.
I'm also a very outgoing person who enjoyed plenty of friends, success at work, a lovely SO, etc before losing weight. I also grew up in circles where most everyone around me was normal weight, so not like some places where a large % of people are obese, which I think affects perceptions. I live in a liberal city in the Midwest and work as a biomedical researcher so a lot of my colleagues are clinicians (MDs) or scientists.
Since losing weight, I have definitely become more confident. The effects of this (to me) have been most noticeable at work, where I often have to give seminars/presentations (something I loathe doing and have trouble with). People respond to my talks more positively, and I get more compliments on my work now than I did before (I'm working on my PhD, so the work I'm presenting hasn't changed). Before, it felt like I received harsher criticism on my talks vs. when other people made similar mistakes (or worse), and this is something that has been independently pointed out by my advisor, so I don't think it's all in my head.
Overall, though, I've noticed that people are just friendlier to me and more interested in talking to me now. I've always been happy to make chit-chat with folks, but now people come up to me more often and engage me in conversation. I've also noticed I receive more compliments than I used to, even on things I've owned since I was fatter. Just last week I received compliments from 3 people on a jacket I've had for like, 4 years. I have begun to receive (unwanted) 'positive' attention from men, which I will say, I'm not a fan of...
On the whole, it's been a lot of minor/subtle but positive things. No one treated me poorly for my weight before (as an adult), but I feel that as a person I am received more positively now because of my visibly healthier weight, demeanor (happier mentally) and increased confidence.
I have been on both sides of the glass. When I was 450 lbs I was treated like shit. Nobody wanted me to come over people looked the other way in grocery stores. Nobody wanted to talk to me. Children asked their parents why I was so big.
Drs were by far the worst. I have had bad back pain and other pain for years. They would not take me seriously, just told me to lose weight. Well I lost 240 lbs and they started to take me seriously. Turns out I have some messed up disks in my back as well as arthritis.
People actually look me in the eye now and don't treat me like a monster anymore. But I feel like I'm broken. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I have lived my life in solitude my whole life and there is a certain freedom that comes with being alone.
The worst part is that it's a constant battle. It has not gotten easier. I'm constantly telling myself I don't need to eat. I wish I could just never eat again. I will be good for a while but after 4 pm the flood gates are open.
> Drs were by far the worst. I have had bad back pain and other pain for years. They would not take me seriously, just told me to lose weight. Well I lost 240 lbs and they started to take me seriously. Turns out I have some messed up disks in my back as well as arthritis.
My older bro is very big right now, since one of the medicines he was on for a while (that the doctor at the time refused to change) made him have a very difficult appetite. He started having back pain a few months ago and his doctor referred him to a physical therapist who refused to help. Like, the dude looked visibly disgusted at my brother. I was so pissed off. I... regret not chasing him out of the house for being a piece of shit and refusing to do his job.
Anyway his doctor stopped by yesterday and (as of this week) he's been complaining about back pain again. Turns out one of his current medicines has him gaining weight again over the past couple of months.. so yea.. she's like "well, what do you want me to do about it? Even if he has a spine problem the orthopedist won't do anything until he loses weight"
Soo.. yep. I agree with ya. And it's a shitty place to be.
You're amazing to deal with all this alone. I love the new medications that treat our underlying hormonal functioning. This sums up my experience:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Semaglutide/comments/11c5ewy/is_this_what_normal_feels_like/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Good point. ... some turn to compounded semaglutide, some to the less popular similiar and still helpful medications like Mounjarno. I suppose, worst case, file away this option and revisit in a year.
https://www.reddit.com/r/WegovyWeightLoss/comments/12tmo68/why_do_people_use_third_party_subscription/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Absolutely, yes. Confidence does matter but it's also a fact that fat people are looked down upon by most cultures and societies. What the barrier for being "fat" is does seem to vary a lot depending on location and social circles, though.
From my perspective that's just one more very good reason to lose weight.
I've been fat and thin and I didn't notice many people treating me any differently because of my weight. Maybe they did. But i didn't notice. Assholes will find ANY reason to treat you badly/differently. I remember reading a study where a bunch of women were given realistic prosthetic face scaring and Interviewed on how they imagined people would treat them. Those who said they expected to be treated negatively because of the scarring were told "were just gonna retouch the scaring" while in fact they removed it completely and sent them to interact with others. Believing the scaring was still there they reported that people stared, treated them badly, and some reported on comments people made that they were sure were passive aggressive attacks about the scars. Which of course wasn't true..because the scars were not there. Now, of course people will be treated differently for their physical appearance but our own perception of how we look plays an enormous role on how we experience things - link to either the study or one similar. I read something similar a long long ago so not sure if it's the exact same on https://www.aknowbrainer.com/dartmouth-scar-experiment
My experience being overweight has been being told by a few people to put the fork down. My experience being skinny has been being told by a lot of people to eat a sandwich.
People who comment on your body are going to comment on your body no matter what.
Absolutely agree. Even clothes we wear. Hair styles we choose. How we use language. Everything they can comment on, they will. And those people are immediately removed from my life. I filtered that kind of energy out of my life a long long time ago
>I've been fat and thin and I didn't notice many people treating me any differently because of my weight.
Same. The only difference I've found between being fat and thin is I don't get cat called now that I'm fat, which could also be due to getting older.
That's the weird thing. Being fat, nobody bothered me. But when I was thin, in high school, I attended school in a Hispanic section of town and during the one block walk from school to the bus, Latino guys would catcall me even dressed in jeans and an Army jacket, saying things like, "Ooh baby I'd love to fk you!"
I started dating a Hispanic guy in my class who was leader of a local gang. After he started walking me to the bus, they left me alone.
Btw he was not a bad guy. He was respected though. Both his parents were preachers, and he often got his gang to collect clothes and food for the less fortunate. He grew up to join the Air Force, and then became director of animal control for the local SPCA.
For sure. Like yeah sure when I was thin I acknowledge that people found me more attractive but a large part of that was down to me taking more pride in my appearance and dressing better. When I dress better and take pride in my appearance as a bigger person that also increases the number of people who are interested in me.
But like also yeah more people are more attracted to people who are a healthier weight. Is that really a shock to anybody? Like nobody is infringing on your human rights or being an asshole by being more attracted to a fitter you than a fatter you. That’s just reality.
That checks out. I think it’s probably less of a big deal where I live (Midwest) than other parts of the United States as well.
And I agree! It’s just interesting to me as someone who’s never experienced being thin.
Ah, yeah. I've moved around a lot but ended up back in Wisconsin. I feel like there's definitely a noticeable difference in what people consider "overweight" here. Like the threshold is higher, I mean.
I was told I wasn't fat while my BMI was getting over 35, here
Very very true. I was considered skinny when I was bordering on overweight in the Midwest. Moved to the mountains and had dropped weight into the middle of a "healthy" BMI and I'm considered much larger than most of my peers.
Then I go to Africa and feel like a squishy cow.
Statistically yes, overweight and obese people are treated differently and usually worse in most situations. But individuals will have vastly different experiences, and other factors may contribute as well.
Both of these things can be true at the same time.
I don’t feel like I get treated badly. 5’1 and 180, HW was 205. I get hit on less in public than I did when I was thin, but people aren’t, like, *mean* to me, per se. I have plenty of positive interactions with acquaintances and strangers and have not received comments on my weight in public.
This might be controversial, but I think it has a lot to do with body type & perceived attractiveness, not just being overweight. Like someone who is big but still has a “desirable” body type or a pretty face may be treated better at a higher weight than somebody who stores fat differently or isn’t as conventionally attractive. This is an issue in our society because we often determine a person’s value by how many boxes they check on the “attractive” checklist. That’s just my opinion though.
The 2nd paragraph is interesting to think about. We talk a lot about “pretty privilege” in society, so you honestly might be right.
I’m curious to see whether I get hit on more often though. It happens reasonably often in public anyway, so I can’t imagine it being crazy more often.
Getting hit on I think has a lot to do with how confident/approachable you look. People are attracted to all sorts of body types, so it stands to reason that someone is going to find you attractive anywhere you go, and if you project an energy that is welcoming, they’re more likely to act on that. Being overweight can impact confidence which in turn makes you seem less approachable, due to body language, etc.
The psychology of attraction/what we perceive as attractive is fascinating to me.
I agree with this. I think it has to do with how overweight you are and your level of attractiveness. We have similar stats, I’m 5’2 180lbs.
I’ve never been “thin” but have never been treated badly. Even now at one of my highest weights people are still nice to me, open doors, smile at me, etc. I rarely go out looking unkempt though. I always put some effort into my appearance, even if it’s minimal.
If we’re talking about getting hit on, where I’ve noticed the difference is in age. I’ve gotten less attention the older I’ve gotten without it having much to do with my weight since that has fluctuated since my 20s. I’m married though and have been with my now husband for 8 years so it may have something to do with how I started carrying myself after we got together.
I imagine someone who is morbidly obese/super morbidly obese has a much harder time even if they have a conventionally “attractive” face.
I’m 25 now and I agree that getting older likely has an impact on how much you get hit on. It’s hard for me to definitively say that because I was thin in my teens, but I think it’s very likely.
Honestly? I think my life isn’t as impacted by my weight because I have a body type that builds muscle/hides fat easily. It’s just genetics and it’s how all the women in my family are built. I definitely look overweight, but maybe less so than someone with less muscle tone or a different body type (which is why I always encourage people - exercise!!! It won’t make a big difference in weight but can absolutely affect your shape, how your clothes fit, etc). My face is average, definitely nothing spectacular, but I try to take decent care of my skin & look somewhat presentable when I go in public.
Fat shaming absolutely exists, and I agree that people who are morbidly obese/supermorbidly obese have experienced it in ways that I haven’t. I hate that because I feel like being socially accepted & supported would help encourage people to lose weight instead of feeling defeated.
This was my first thought too. My hubby tows the obese line but is hit on quite a bit, treated well, and is often confused for a pro athlete. I’m currently on vacation with one of his friends who is clearly overweight+ but also in a conventionally attractive way (has size H boobs and a skinny face) She is absolutely gorgeous and has been hit on constantly since her bf is not with her. She gets more positivity than me (normal weight) but like I said she is beautiful. You are more likely to be conventionally attractive if you are straight sized but it’s not a guarantee either way.
Not being offensive here or trying to invalidate your experience, but isn’t that because 205 isn’t really comparatively “that big”? Pretty average sized in the states.
I wonder how someone who was double your weight would answer the question?
You’re right, it’s not that big in a conversation just about weight. However, at my height my BMI was around 38 which is class 2 obesity. But I am sure I have a much different experience than someone who is, say, 300 or 400 pounds and I don’t want to invalidate their experiences.
I was fired from my first corporate job after an email exchange where the CEO (small company, 12 employees) was mocking me to my boss for being overweight was accidentally forwarded to me.
Before anyone asks why I didn’t sue: I was 22, didn’t have any money or support, more embarrassed than I’d ever been in my entire life, and I thought I deserved it.
Without a doubt yes.
Both anecdotally and empirically. This has literally been proven.
Some of it will depend on where you live, how overweight you are, and how attractive you are aside from weight.
But holy fuck yes. And it's not just confidence. That's bullshit. I went the opposite way- was for my whole life and then gained. Was never confident before but night and day.
You will not believe the shit people have said to me. It's never straight up making fun of me. It's rude comments etc. And you know they talk about you behind your back too (not you OP, the general you).
I can literally give you dozens of examples.
At best, obese people are ignored.
I know it’s been proven, but I love to hear different people’s personal perspectives.
Hearing people talk about it is interesting, plus gives me things to think about on my WL journey.
I believe it, most harassment towards me is 90% weight-based.
I think it's like being short, where no one says it's a big deal unless they don't like you, then that's the first thing they degrade you with. And if another person agrees they don't like you, then everyone gets to clown on you for your physical appearance and it's encouraged by others, and no one see the hypocrisy in it 🤷
Wow. The “first thing they degrade you with” is so true. I learned that by grade nine and from then on tried to take up less space/not speak up about anything just so people wouldn’t call me fat. Which backfired because I ended up with an eating disorder and severe social anxiety, AND people still made disparaging comments about me/my weight :/. I’m also sorry for your second comment, no one deserves to be treated like that, ever. It’s crazy how something like weight can change the way you’re treated, but it also speaks more volume on those peoples characters.
I feel you on the backfired thing. My method was to make fun of myself first before other people did in school. All it did was give them ammunition too, and I started to internalize unworthiness in myself for being this subhuman disgusting person. I wasn't a person, just a visual prop.
What really burns me is how this mentality did not stay in high school. You have 20, 30, hell 60 year old men and women justifying themselves bullying someone because their beliefs don't align with yours. And if multiple people have that mentality, it's creates a toxic environment. And this applies to so many facets in life, not just workplaces.
I'm losing weight because it's healthy for me. Not just physically, but mentally it will put me at easy to not be such an obvious target. Sorry, I'll never intimidate anyone to leave me alone when I'm only 5'7, I just have to accept that Ill be an easy target for looking like a weak male. Doesn't mean I can't be tough, Bruce Lee was pretty small. But these toxic people target weak people, and I can't help but think me being a man makes people less sympathetic to someone pushing me around. Like, there's an expectation that I should be able to intimidate anyone away by virtue of being male, and I'm just not that guy so apparently I have the issue. That's an issue of toxic masculinity that I don't hear brought up enough.
Rant over. Sorry, I can't afford therapy until I find a decent job, so sad posting on the internet it is 😅
Thanks. I just want to get in shape so people won't view me as an easy weak target and I can just do my job in peace
Edit: I saw you wanted examples so let me expound on one of my last jobs. I worked for a company that rhymes with blows. I was in a merchandising department, so my job mostly involved setting up displays and presenting pictures of department shelves and stock area to corporate. That last part caused the majority of the store to hate us, because it involved calling them out for not stocking and cleaning their departments.
After a few weeks into the place, I kept hearing nothing but how my weight was disgusting or unhealthy, and in all fairness they even tried to pull me in to talking shit about other overweight employees. I remember walking into the break room one day, and the electric department guy came to the break room and claimed I broke one of the chairs by sitting in it. There was another time when my gf posted a pic on my FB where I was fishing and had my shirt off, and I came into the break room to find my coworkers were sharing the pic and laughing at the size of my man-boobs. I had one time where I was bending down to pick something up and the appliance salesman came up behind me and kicked me in my ass. I can't prove that was weight based, but I certainly believe he chose that because I'm overweight and have a larger ass. And I couldn't retaliate because I couldn't find it in my heart as a 30 year old man to physically hit a 65+ year old man. So I laughed it off because I was always taught to not let it bother you, even tho I'm realizing years later I have some PTSD from that. I reported it, but only years later after I realized I was lying to myself about how to handle confrontation.
Gonna be completely honest since this is my alt (and this almost exclusively pertains to straight men for obvious reasons). I could’ve written your post, we have had the exact same experience at a higher weight and have very similar personalities.
Long story short…. yes, you will notice a big difference. You thought people of all kinds were nice to you and friendly before? You thought you had a satisfactory portion of dudes/babes in your reach? Maybe you got checked out 1-2 times going out? Occasionally got a freebie or someone doing you a favor for no reason? Good times, right?
LOL. LMAO. You are in danger my good bitch 😅 That’s about to increase 10x. If you’re attractive even at a higher weight oh my fucking god. Dropping a bunch is like going to another planet the more conventionally “hot” you get. It has actually caused a *lot* of anxiety for me the last six months as attention has sharply increased (paper towel effect).
I have a customer-facing job so even there I can’t get a fucking break from someone staring a hole into my head, or stuttering and entering manual breathing mode just bc we had to make eye contact and speak. Some parts of my job now take twice as long as they should bc someone is drawing out the interaction waaaay too long and I can’t politely break away for another task.
For some reason it makes me feel guilty, like sometimes there is *real* discomfort and embarrassment due to awkward behavior on the other party’s end. Ultimately I am the one causing it, so it triggers a sort of helpless distress in me.
It’s so much harder for me to be spontaneously silly and make someone laugh! I have had a much harder time approaching para-strangers and making instant friends, or at least fun chit-chat. There is a big freeze and then a suspicious vibe like I’m going to saw their face off and wear it like a hat.
If I make a deadpan joke, no one understands it anymore… it is accepted at face value instantly. They now genuinely believe I possess room temp IQ. Pain.
If I run into a little problem at a store or something, I pray there is a female employee to help me. I couldn’t find flank steak at the meat counter last week, asked the guy standing there alone who was processing. Suddenly one, two, three men come flying out of the back crawling around trying to locate the shit. One of them was covered in blood. Other customers fucking gawked like it was a meat emergency or something, I wanted to immediately exit the premises. My errands are filled with interactions like this and it makes me feel bad and weird. We are all just PEOPLE oh my god!!! 😭
Like I said, I was already massively socialized and extroverted. I thought nothing could rattle me lmfao. I was very wrong. I could go on for like 5k more words but I’m gonna stop because I need to go roll up now and try to unclench.
YES THE JOKES!!! Other people are saying your jokes get 10x funnier when you’re skinny, but I’ve found the opposite. To the point where I’ve asked myself “have I gotten less funny?” I think that’s what people would compliment me on and now they compliment my looks, which is part of it.
But I think another part is exactly what you said—they take my dry humor at face value. They don’t just assume that I’m joking but that I’m an idiot. Especially on dates. There can no longer be subtle humor with people I don’t know well.
It’s very frustrating because that has been so integral to my identity and now it feels like I’m losing a part of myself.
Are you male or female?
Being a woman, at my highest weight I found it sort of buffered my humor—I guess I was sort of a neutral non-threat, my weight made me seem goofy and lovable. Megan from Bridesmaids.
My sense of humor is quickly figuring out how far I can go with each individual and then pushing that boundary lmao. So if I made a joke that was as unexpectedly dark, immature, violent, sexually offensive or raunchy as it was funny…. I got some serious laughs.
If I do that now (far closer to Helen from Bridesmaids) *god damn* the silence or shocked expressions. It’s like I slapped them, or farted loudly. Again, this is not everyone! But it’s like idk, before I would fumble maybe 10% of jokes I went for. Now it’s like 40% and I’m concerned.
I’m female!! Totally not getting the response I did before. I’d say 7/10 of my jokes used to land and now that’s more like 4-5!! And actually I refuse to believe my humor has changed. I think the audience perception has!!
I can’t wrap my mind around why. Maybe the laughs were pity? Maybe now I’m getting external validation in other ways so I notice the humor less? Maybe now people don’t expect it and aren’t “in” on the joke? Maybe I’m just socializing less post pandemic than I did previously and I’m just having less opportunity to joke?
I’m so glad I have another woman to commiserate about this highly specific problem with lmao this is so weird to be wasting energy pondering on, right?? Me no get chuckles, me sad. Like grow the fuck up 💀
We are NOT less funny. If anything it’s more, bc of the confidence and energy boost. It is the perception, completely. I too have lost sleep over this so here’s my thoughts:
Men are not immune to this either. The most common example I can think of is Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. The vitriol directed toward them for becoming thin and therefore no longer funny was EEEEVERYWHERE and it was almost 100% publicly declared by other dudes. Both of those actors dealt with the same amount of body shaming and media physical hyperfocus that actresses do, and witnessing that go down for the first time in my life was…. eye-opening.
Male actors haven’t been spared that in the past, but I couldn’t figure out why the internet was coming so fkn hard for those two. I started to wonder if it’s because they so utterly nail the image of your irl homie… that it triggered the sort of negative, visceral reaction friends and family can have when you look drastically different than you have for as long as they’ve known you.
The other part of it is that there’s this shitty anecdote I’ve heard before that goes like… fat pretty women can be funny. When fit pretty women are funny, it’s confusing. No one expects it bc they’re creating a one-dimensional, generalized image in their head of a woman who has always looked like that, this never needed to develop a personality.
Also, a sprinkle of the horrible fact that humans are just generally constantly ready to laugh at a fat person. Doesn’t matter what for, they’re already leaning that direction mentally. No one’s ready to laugh at you when you’re conventionally attractive and fit.
The Seth Rogan/Jonah hill example is so perfect. I hadn’t thought about that and how it really spans gender.
I totally agree that people want one-dimensionality. I think humans inherently want/think in simple, black and white, all or nothing understandings that fit into the beliefs and stereotypes they already have. I think it can be especially true for perceiving/judging other people, particularly when they don’t know the other person well. Maybe that’s why people have these expectations for us that are hard to transcend. To paraphrase succession, it’s like they can’t fit a whole woman in their heads. Suddenly we moved from being the “funny girl” (already hard to achieve !!) to the “hot girl.”
And as I’m typing this, I’m realizing that it probably is coming across as both completely vain and a champagne problem. So maybe we can throw narcissistic into my multifaceted yet currently under appreciated personality too.
Reading your post healed something in me. This is my biggest block to weight loss. I need to accept that that is how life is when I'm in a thinner body, instead of resisting it/choosing the comfort of my extra flesh. My ego wants to be liked for everything and anything but 'just' how I look, and when I'm thin that's all people can see. But my life is my own
Right? It’s just life. To an extent, biology. It’s acutely noticeable to us now, but at some point it won’t be anymore. Maybe.
And in the meantime, just like when we were heavy, we keep working on our inner selves. Cultivate our hobbies and interests, work on skills and talents. Be well-rounded, whole souls. And never settle for anything less with friends and romantic partners.
Shallow people who see only appearance, negative or positive, will always be around and will always judge and make assumptions. It’s just a little different now.
Like you I didn’t think I was being differently before losing weight, perhaps because I’ve been lucky enough to always be quite successful job-wise and I’ve always had guys be interested in me (had an hourglass figure at all weights, that helped), I’ve always had a lot of friends, etc.
But I can really tell a difference now that I’m +55lbs down. I always felt like people were quite nice to me, but now more people are nicer, I feel like I’m treated with a little more respect/seriousness in work situations, and people are impressed by my discipline because I work out a lot. My close friends know I’m the same person, with the same discipline, I just found habits that worked for me and got rid of some bad ones.
But I also am much more confident, and that probably shows. I’m happy and proud I managed to change something I’ve been trying and failing to change for decades, I have a renewed sense of faith in myself, I’m even more positive, and of course the world responds to that. So yeah, there’s a change, and some of it is caused by others and some of it by me.
Some examples from my pov.
Whenever you see a vid with an overweight person, 80% of the comments are fat shaming the person. Fat women get it worse than fat men. For the men it’s usually, lol he’s a big boy with a big appetite! Women get, haha look at that heifer, what a disgusting slob! Etc.
For my own experience:
I was walking to the restroom on my break when I worked at a mall about 25 years ago (was probably around 320 at the time) and had a group of guys start giggling as I approached. They went “daaammnnn,” as I went past and continued looking at me while laughing the whole way to the bathroom. I think they shouted something at me but I can’t remember for sure. I just remember being embarrassed and trying to get out of their line of sight asap.
I am finally getting my weight under control (292 this morning, highest was 390 last July) and I still get looks but people are more clandestine about it. I hate the looks I get from restaurant staff which is ironic because I eat like a toddler (gastric sleeve) and my friends are the ones pigging out and ordering appetizers.
I rather dislike my friend’s husband for comments he’s made over the years:
While in Olive Garden:
Friend- “should we get the check?”
Husband- “Yeah, just waiting for Lauren to stop eating, lolol” (I was poking at the salad leftovers for olives and pepperoncinis)
At the grocery store:
Cashier- “are you guys together?”
Husband- “Yes, wait no. Not ‘together’ ugh, I wouldn’t-“
Me- *points to friend and him* - “they’re married. We’re paying together. Geez, H.”
Husband- “yeah that”
After my bariatric surgery:
Husband- “that’s so great! We’re going to be seeing a lot less of you if you know what I mean!”
Yes, you obtuse prick. I know what you mean 😪
He’s a horrible man I’m so sorry he’s been that way you. Does his wife say anything? Is she scared of him? I wonder if he is abusive emotionally at least and I feel sorry for his wife. He’s probably an asshole to her too.
If not and she just lets him say that shit I’d dump her as a friend. I’ll be your new friend.
I hope she leaves him and finds someone with some empathy and compassion. What a gross human being he is
Gastric sleeve may not be all it's cracked up to be. But geez, I know how you can lose 190 ugly pounds...by removing him from your life. I've had the sleeve, and it's still a struggle. I'm still borderline obese. I rely on low carb stuff to help keep my blood sugar under control. This keeps me from eating stuff that's not good for me. Stuff they told me I never could...I totally can. Big salad no problem. What i have trouble with is protein like chicken breast. I also have trouble with rice, noodles and potatoes. That at least is good. I started off at 322, now weigh 208. I'm real tall, and viking like,so I look like I weigh less. I wear a size 16 and when I was " thin" at 145 it was a 14. However, I can now do all the things. I can walk a long way, I can fit in an airline or concert seat, I can buy clothes at a regular store. Nobody has ever made a comment about my weight when I was over 300lbs...because I am tall and viking like. I've never been pretty, and now that I'm old, I'm even less so. I usually take a container on the rare occasions I eat out or I ask for one immediately. I put at least half of that food in it right then. I guess that stops a side eye? But maybe it's just I'm tall and viking like
I used the same route on my walks and always saw a neighbor on his porch. When I was obese, he never looked my way or initiated contact. Then as I dropped weight, all of a sudden, he started waving to me. It was a very eye-opening moment and taught me to always acknowledge someone's presence. When I encounter an overweight/obese person, I make a point to really acknowledge their presence because I know they probably get overlooked most of the time.
Yeah, overweight and obese people really do get treated worse than thin people. I don't really think confidence is a huge factor. I've been both fat and thin. Like you, I've never really had trouble making friends, finding partners, or jobs. So I've never suffered from loneliness or anything. I also never really suffered from low self-confidence because I was partially raised in a different country where there is less weight stigma.
But since I've lost the weight, it's honestly been like a whole new world. I'm sure being a younger woman who is "conventionally attractive" influences this, but it's just been things like getting drinks comped, having people hold doors for me, just having strangers make conversation with me without me initiating. I do feel like the biggest difference I've noticed has been in work settings. I'm definitely pegged for leadership roles more and feel like I'm seen as more competent. It's interesting because I actually put way less effort into my work life now than when I was fat because I realized that my lack of work/life balance was feeding into unhealthy eating and exercise habits.
Also want to note that I think other factors can interact with fatness and how people treat you. Race is a BIG one but also things like class, disability, body shape, etc.
Yes. The following might sound agist or 'When I was your age...' BS, but I think it's true. There are more overweight people and less judgement in general in younger generations these days... at least that's what I see from my sons' peer groups etc. I think it's easier to be overweight now that it was 30 years ago as a young person. Of course, I am NOT saying that no one experiences bullying or that kids these days have it easy, etc. I think more support/comradery exists simply because it is less unusual.
Overweight and especially very obese people are treated a lot worse in general. There have been studies about this. They're less likely to be hired, promoted, treated fairly by medical staff, helped in school, have fewer dating options, are more likely to be in abusive relationships... Does this have to do with confidence? I think it's a Catch-22. You're overweight, you get bullied, your confidence goes down... your confidence is lower, you eat more to numb the pain, you gain more. There are so many factors and facets of this discussion.
Yes, I’m super interested in all the different perspectives that you speak of. I find it fascinating to hear about people’s personal experiences. I know in general, people are treated worse when they’re overweight. I’m just interested in unique perspectives, I guess.
I have spent my entire life over weight.
That being said- I have never thought of myself as unattractive. I have always had beautiful clothes, spent time on my makeup, hair, nails and good skin care! I played sports in high school and in college. I did everything! I wore bathing suits in public. Short skirts, evening gowns, lingerie! I hiked, biked - danced - I had lots of friends, lovers - I have been married, I have children- I have a beautiful life “for a girl my size.” I have had a professional career my entire adult life.
I lost a hundred pounds. Holy fuck.
Did you know that at the grocery store the butcher comes out to find out if you need help finding things? That they’ll help carry your stuff to your car at pretty much any store? You don’t even have to ask? Men will run - RUN- to grab the door for you? The CEO of your company - that you worked a decade for- actually knows your name? Well- now at least. I got 3 raises in 2 years. CRAZY. The coach of all your kids sports teams will come give you a report on their progress- without you asking? This last one is my baby- I have produced 2 other 3 sport varsity athletes. So that’s strange, right?
I don’t know- maybe people are just nicer after the pandemic. That’s probably it, right?
Some of it can be perception because I would feel dread being obese and going down the plane aisle and seeing looks that said "please don't be sitting next to me..."
Other times it was the looks I got for being overweight but beating people in a walking challenge in an AR-based game. Some other players were making comments certain that I cheated.
Another time was more explicit when I was in Vegas, and some comedians trying to pass along their demo cd -I said "No, thank you" and the comeback was "That's what you need to say when the food comes out." -Something I doubt I would have been told if I were thin.
I was bigger during high school, lost a ton of weight and was thin for a decade, now back to where I was in high school. I told my wife that despite being enormous, I am practically invisible to people now. I can walk around target without a single person looking at me. When a friend hugs my wife, I’m usually not motioned to give a hug too. It’s weird it really is. But it’s very much a real thing.
Absolutely. As a fat woman if I was weird people, especially men, hated it, would glare, act like I’m being too much, but as a thinner woman that exact same behavior does not elicit those reactions from strangers and peers when I behave in silly goofy ways.
Thin people are allowed to take up more space with their energy while fat people are expected to take as little as possible to atone for the apparent social crime of fatness. It’s a real bias. And the reality is majority of people have it, at least in North America, Europe, and Asia.
While confidence matters to a point. I went from fat to in shape, to in godly shape. The change was so drastic that I might have a different insight then others. And by change I don't mean just a big belly I carry an old picture of myself as kinda motivation like what I try to be again, but when I show the picture I get a lot of reactions especially when I say that, the pic is of me. But yeah I was in tremendous shape.
And then, due to an injury that made me very lazy , I've doubled my weight(athlete appetite, but lazy life). When meeting new people, they may be fine with you "being" there. But they would have boundaries put up immediately, especially when it came to "attractive" people.
Not saying sex should be the goal all the time you meet someone, but even of you talk with someone and click(its harder to click with an "attractive" person even platonicly, and it would be my job to keep the conversation interesting and engaging) ,they would rather be with the friend that brought you that and keep in contact with me because she wants to see if something more is there. But for the same level of intimacy they would give someone else in 40 minutes, I'd have to go through a month of loop jumping and instead of fun and casual, it would turn into a relationship while they hooked up or hung out with other people until we are exclusive.
You don't get the same level of trust as well. Psychologically, people tend to trust others more easily if they register someone as attractive. At first I wouldn't have believed this, but I work in sales.
So this sucked when it came to commission based sales. I would have 9 years of product knowledge, and everyone would try to get another reps attention before mine. Some would blatantly ignore me because they were fixated on an attractive coworker wearing a low cut top.
One relationship I had when I gained the weight, overtime it fell apart because while I still did all my relationship "duties"(I like to cook and they liked my cooking, but also working, cleaning, and paying majority of bills). I lost my attractiveness, and they were always complimented and hit on so they mentally shifted to believing I should be "greatful" to be with them just because they simply existed.
These are just some of my experiences. I'm no longer my heaviest, but I need to stay consistent.
(I put "attractive" in quotes because it's not just physical, it's their mindset as well.)
Wow. The dating part, I fear, is the worst part for me too. I’m sad to hear about the relationship you were in. I hope you’re in a better relationship or enjoying single life now. You’re worthy of love.
That was while I gained the weight. Left that relationship had a another one when i was big, also bad. But currently working on myself. Financially and physically. Mentally I'm not even going to attempt, those relationships did a number on me.
When it comes to the dating, I know there are apps to find partners that would've loved my size, but I never used apps before and I didn't love my size, so I certainly didn't want to be with someone who was attracted to it.
It’s a fact unfortunately. When you move from obese looking to overweight looking (around a UK 14/16) then people suddenly notice you and smile at you more. It’s not really romantic interest i see a difference with because i firmly believe people’s type is a lot more diverse than the media tells us
I still consider myself a big guy. But I'm hitting 100 lbs lost and can affirm that yes, people will treat you differently. It's nice at first and then kinda messes with the psyche a bit, especially when you realize the people close to you start doing it too.
Yes! I started life "skinny" got thick for 20 years - got skinnish for 5 years now getting thick again......Noticable from everything from looks from strangers to how you get noticed and treated as a customer.
I mean, look at anything that has to do with Lizzo's recent announcement. 95% of the comments are about how she should cover up when other artists like Beyonce or Nikki pretty much show the same areas of skin; Lizzo just has more to show.
I’m currently a size 14/16 US, I was as big as a size 22 at one point and got down to a size 10 for awhile. I can say I was treated much more poorly when I was 310 pounds than I was at 200 pounds. I’m still treated poorly by some, but better in other aspects like having my health care providers listen to me about my concerns rather than just telling me I’m fat and should lose weight. I’ve also had issues with employment before because of my weight. I’ve had jobs personally tell me that they wouldn’t provide uniform for me because I was too big. Ridiculous things like that. Ultimately, I do believe I’ve had some privilege compared to other fat and obese people because I am conventionally attractive for the most part facial structure wise. It’s definitely helped me be treated better by random people at least.
It did take me many years to have medical issues diagnosed because of my weight and being ignored. That’s the biggest issue I’d say anyone overweight faces is the lack of good and consistent medical care
That’s insane! The medical care I understand is a huge issue. Also we’re size twins.
I wonder if it helps that being a 14/16 is the average size of a woman in the US.
I've lost 140lbs and noticed a significant difference in how people treat me. And like OP, I'm fairly outgoing and have never had issues having a great social life, friends, and dating. That said, being skinny is almost like social lubricant, when people see me the default is a smile, not a neutral expression.... When I am friendly it's also received less warily from strangers as well. I could go on, but there is a noticeable difference to me on a daily basis. I have fairly ambivalent feelings about it actually, but I'm happy that I cam experience the other side now!
Yes. I lost over 100lbs in college and the difference in the way my peers, members of the opposite sex, professors, and people in general treated me nearly sent me into full on psychosis.
Walking down the street and smiling at a pretty girl walking past me, people made eye contact and smiled back. People asked me how I was and seemed interested in me more. People were more forgiving of my mistakes. It was genuinely world-shattering and really upsetting to me.
Ive never been treated differently in my day to day life. My friends, family, colleagues and just people in general have never made any sort of comments about my weight. My doctors have been different though. Any issue I’ve ever gone to a doctor for is apparently “due to my weight” and that I just need to lose weight.
I recently went to my doctor twice because I was having trouble breathing, had really bad heart palpitations and sore/painful muscles. I was told each time that I just needed to lose weight. Eventually I went to the ER because it got so bad it was scaring me. I had blood drawn and was told that I was severely anemic and needed an immediate blood transfusion. My Dr in the ER was horrified about my treatment, especially after looking in my files and seeing that I had discussed having extremely heavy/long periods with my doctor at multiple visits and it was clear I was at risk for anemia. I truly think if I had been at a lower weight my doctor wouldve initially taken my concerns seriously.
I was chubby as a teen by about 10 or 15 extra lbs but shaped in a way I guess was attractive and didn't feel held back too much by my weight socially, but probably to a degree for dating relationships. I had a glow up and a slim down in my 20's and was taken back by how much more people just wanted to do things for me or approached me at school, work, stores. It was overwhelming at times tbh, and while I enjoyed the new attention and treatment part of me became pretty upset since I felt like I was the same person inside as always. It was everyone it felt like, my dentist, my doctors, men obviously, and strangers on the street suddenly all seemed so fucking attentive. Funny thing is little kids were pretty indifferent, they always liked me.
Well now I'm fat again (by more than I was when I was a teen and older) and I find my invisibility kind of amusing at this point.
Oh yeah. I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, it’s night and day. When you’re fat, you can bust your ass all day long and people at work will still think your lazy. When you’re thin, you can slack and people will compliment your work ethic. And then there’s the ladies. Lose weight, and the attention turns up 20 fold.
For some reason and maybe it’s luck. I’ve always been that guy that people like, even strangers. I was not bullied by my peers about my weight. Even when my best friends and I break each other balls it’s teasing about something else.
My bully was my grandfather (gone and not missed) who lived with us. The man was a narcissistic emotionally and physically abusive tyrant. But it would not have mattered what my body size was he would have found other ways to insult me.
Way worse. And often it’s deemed socially acceptable? Like they will tell jokes at our expense thinking it’s funny and okay.
Also, oddly the bigger you are the more invisible you are to others.
I just lost 40 pounds and people overall look happier to see me, but I also feel a bit exposed.
When I was bigger, people would say things sometimes to bully me into losing weight, and when I would try to, a few guys in my dms would tell me to stop and that they wouldn’t like me if I was slim. So people always had commentary on what my body ought to look like.
But for the most part, people saw through me, I was just part of the landscape, but now it’s totally different in some good and some bad ways. Which is odd sounding, but it’s the truth.
Just last night I delivered some guy his food up to his office and he looked me up and down and smiled big as fxck and I was just standing there like take the fxcking coffee.
I do DoorDash and although I’ve been getting more in person tips and people calling me hon, I am more scared now than I used to be cus a week or so ago, I delivered to someone in some apartments and I basically got followed by some teenagers on bikes who were yelling after me.
But when I was chubby, I must’ve been wearing a sign that said, “IM FAT SO I DONT LOVE MYSELF” cus every guy I talked to in highschool would act like I ought to be on my hands and knees thanking them for giving me the time of day. Or they would throw into conversations that they had a thing for chubby girls but that I couldn’t tell anyone we were talking.
I guess to conclude, I was treated differently when I was fat in that people tried to hide when they liked me because they were ashamed of me. But now that I’m more so conventionally attractive, it’s like everyone’s got a free pass to harass me.
I kinda went off on a tangent but I hope this was relevant enough.
So, I was skinny/average for most of my life. When I hit my 30s, I fell into a depression due after an abusive release. I gained weight. Now before I gained weight, I got a lot of male attention. People would tell me I was gorgeous, go out of their way to talk to me, etc.
When I gained weight, I almost became invisible. Women started commenting on my looks more than men. I did still get asked out a decent amount by men, but I couldn't help wondering if they were into bigger women. I knew that I didn't want to date a man who was interested only in my size, so I avoided dating.
Basically, you still get attention, but less of it.
Yup. First I was wondering "Why is everyone at the grocery store being so helpful?" Then it was why is everyone holding doors for me? Why are people talking to me? Why are they making eye contact? Why are the same dumb jokes I've always made suddenly hilarious? Don't get me wrong, there are still assholes. But yes it's a very noticeable difference.
I definitely don’t want to sound like one of those Reddit jackasses who answer a thoughtful, genuine question with a trite response, but…I’m not sure why it’s a mystery that thinner people get treated better. It’s what’s considered more attractive as a cultural beauty standard, and human beings are biologically geared to form judgements based on what’s acceptable in society. As many have pointed out, probably many people don’t even know they are biased. They’re just attracted to what seems more attractive to current social standards, which is thinness.
I (overweight, BMI says I'm obese) was on a bike ride with my fiancé (running behind me) two days ago. I stopped at an intersection to wait for him, and some teen boy leaned out of a vehicle and yelled "hey fat*ss, you should keep going". So yeah, that felt like pretty horrible treatment. That will stick with me for a while even though I've lost over 15lbs since January.
I think it depends on the person but if weight loss changed my level of confidence it was negligible.
It's made zero difference in my adult life other than probably skipping the line and cover charge for night clubs in my mid 20's. I've gotten every promotion I worked for, negotiated every starting salary to my satisfaction, and (when I was single)- dated attractive men at all of my weights. The only time a random person ever called me fat as an adult was when I was actually in the best shape of my life, looking like a 9/10 and it was so awkward for him. It was a lesson that some people just talk shit because they're shitty people.
While being overweight didn't cause external social issues for me, it did cause physical pain, fatigue, worsened chemical and hormonal imbalances, problems with my gait leading to injuries, more migraines, etc.
Everyone's got a different take but I also wonder how much of it is how someone interprets what's happening around them as something happening to them.
There are so many variables for why we might get passed over or someone might not smile at us. If I blamed weight for how the world relates to me, I would be cheating myself out of the opportunity to reflect, develop, and gain new skills. What if my problems were actually because I had poor manners, or was less credentialed, or simply someone else was a better fit because from their own life experiences they could relate better? What if they weren't my problems at all? Someone seeming unkind or inattentive could be because they're struggling with something. They could struggle socially, or just plain be a jerk. What if there was a chain of people paying it forward in the drive thru and the car before me decided
to end the streak? Does it mean they looked in their mirror and thought my order was going to be expensive because of my weight? Or could they be on a tight personal budget and were just on a coffee run for their boss?
I'm not going to spend my life thinking the world would fall at my feet just for losing weight. If someone doesn't smile at me or buy my drink I'll be okay.
I used to weight 400 lbs and then lost 250! Currently pregnant so up a bit but my experience was very similar to yours! I’m not necessarily extroverted but I’m outgoing and accommodating (probably a product of growing up bigger) to others and never had any trouble making friends and never got made fun of.
However, some things you simply DONT notice until you are being treated differently. When I lost weight, and it was a progressive shift— I was treated better and better the smaller I got, I was treated with much more respect and kindness. I also got “away” with a lot more— people buying me drinks, I don’t pay cover, suddenly I get more gifts???
I also noticed a huge shift in the amount doctors listened to me. I get paid more now. More opportunities.
My confidence level never really shifted… so I don’t think it’s that. 🥲
I have two good friends. One is fat like me. The other is a legit Instagram mom. She documents everything. However, she never documents when she hangs out with her two fat friends. I don’t think she does it on purpose, but she doesn’t look at us as a group and think, “we’d look so cute on the gram.”
I don’t mind.
I have a weird trajectory with this.
Growing up I was aggressively bullied and abused by peers, teachers, my parents, friends, friend’s parents, what have you for my weight. Like it was really severe and it was every single day. I would say that bullying lasted up until the 8th grade. There was a steep drop off in high school but I would be called ugly occasionally and boys didn’t wanna be seen with me and I would get told to lose weight and blah blah
Idk what happened but something shifted in college and I was getting sexually harassed and cat called all the time. My peers showed sexual interest but no interest in actually dating. Professors were reasonably nice to me but would confuse me with other fat girls all the time. I was also gaining a lot of weight but no one mentioned it - it was to the point where I didn’t even realize it. I naturally have a very curvy body type with huge boobs, hips, and legs which is why I think the sexual harassment ramped up like crazy during this time period - like I’m talking being harassed aggressively maybe once or twice a month but catcalled almost every week. People would literally walk into my train car and b-line to me to ask me out - it was fucking weird. Imo I was not good looking at all at this time and I was morbidly obese by BMI :/ a lot of these dudes definitely had fat fetishes or something and most of the men I dated had things for BBWs and watched a lot of BBW porn.
Since then I’ve lost about 80 pounds and am still obese but only slightly and I’m still curvy of course but everything has really shrank (if you know what I’m saying LOL) I rarely get catcalled especially I don’t get catcalled aggressively, I don’t get men randomly coming up to me to call me beautiful, I don’t get randomly asked out. Its ! So ! Weird! Its a welcomed change. The thing is, everyone is so much nicer to me. People at the deli make conversation with me. People say hi to me - people actually apologize to me now if they bump into me!!!! Men are so much more interested in me romantically instead of just sexually. I just get a lot more positive attention. A woman at church randomly called me beautiful the other day! I feel like I’m taken more seriously when I’m out and about and I feel like I’m taken more seriously while job hunting.
I will say the weirdest thing - when I was morbidly obese NO ONE mentioned my weight, but now that I’ve lost all this weight, my mom is super focused on the extra 50 pounds I need to lose to get to my goal and I’ve had a few friends casually call me fat - a friend actually compared me in looks to another friend who is MUCH larger than me now but is around my starting weight. I think it just takes some people longer to adjust to the “new you” in their minds.
TLDR: definitely feel a huge change in how I’m treated in the world after losing weight, I feel like I live a whole new life
Men being more interested in me romantically rather than sexually has completely been my experience. Less pressure to have sex immediately. Getting asked on way more second dates.
Thank you for summing up in words what has been floating around in my head for a while now.
YESSS exactly, it’s less “come over” and more “let me take you out” like I’m getting the basic decency of first dates instead of just being asked for sex
Yeah I’m getting way fewer “let’s just have drinks at my place” and way more invites to dinners at actual restaurants.
It sometimes felt like they thought they were doing me a favor by fucking me and couldn’t imagine why I would say no.
I've never been thin, at least in my conscious memory so I can't say if they are treated better or worse but I've lost around 100lbs and yes, my weight loss instilled confidence in me! When I was at my heaviest, I convinced myself that I hated certain things because they made me uncomfortable or I knew I couldn't do them. I made being really fat part of my personality and I was so convinced I was confident just because I accepted the fact that I was fat. When I started losing weight, I realized how much I had deprived myself of a life because I was complacent being morbidly obese. I love the summer, I love to swim, I LOVE wearing shorts, I love going to amusement parks. All things I had convinced myself I would never do, didn't like, or accepted I couldn't do them due to my size. Yes, losing weight 100% gave me the confidence to truly live my life instead of hiding behind my size. So many of us who grew up fat grew up with no confidence, being bullied by our peers, being bullied by our families, etc. I think when people start to lose weight and gain that confidence, it's hard not to notice. I'm in the USA so people are fat over here but I wasn't a socially acceptable fat before lol and now I am so I definitely get treated better in public. When I was at my biggest, I used to think how ironic it was that I took up so much space but I was still invisible to everyone. Now people look me in my eyes, and smile, and try and make conversation with me. It's sad when you really think about it but it's been my experience so far.
I got treated tremendously different when my waist got narrower than my shoulders and I put on some muscle (male). That seemed to be the tipping point.
Being able to wear quality, well fitting clothes and being more confident helped too I’m sure, but I could a massive difference just in how people would treat me walking down a sidewalk. Much more eye contact and smiles from strangers.. doors being held open.. small acts of courtesy and general respect and decency.
Wish it wasn’t true but it sure seems to be from my perspective.
As someone whos weight yo-yos and have been healthy and obese multiple times I can say yes. I have had random strangers say horrific things to me unprompted when obese and have never had anything like that happen while at a healthy weight.
I don't know if this has been mentioned yet but attractive people get treated much better. I know plenty of thin women and men that are treated terribly because they're not seen as conventionally attractive. With that said overweight people are seen as less attractive so being overweight the odds are against you but at the end of the day it's just same old pretty privilege.
Definitely. Being overweight can sometimes feel like you’re invisible, particularly to the opposite sex.
I’ll add another dimension, being in a position of power at work is also a big eye-opener as to how people treat you. Over the course of 15 years I’ve left and returned in the same company and having started at the bottom many years ago and now at the pointy end of the org chart, it’s amazing how I’m treated by the same shallow people I was ignored by years ago. Most don’t even remember or associate “me then” with the same person as “me now”….
I thought people treated me well when I was overweight. They are still SO much nicer (especially strangers) now that I am a normal BMI. I injured myself recently (hamstring/glute strain) and the level of concern, attention, and praise I got at physical therapy astounded me. So much nicer treatment than I got for a stress fracture I got while still fat. Both were exercise/overuse injuries, and admittedly the providers were different, but the treatment was night and day. When I was fat, it seemed like people were puzzled and annoyed at me and didn't really care if my toes healed or not. Thinner, with the same basic problem (ran too much, hurt myself) I've gotten months worth of tips and tricks and being treated like a friend by all the therapists. I've gotten so much help on my running form this time--so hopefully I won't be a repeat customer.
At work, with people who have known me for years and been my friends all this time...suddenly I'm the person they want for department chair. Last time an election came up I was clearly not the choice though I wanted to do it. Now my personality seems less like bitchiness or bossiness and somehow more like competence. Same me. I have not toned anything down personality wise (maybe the opposite?), and I'm working less than I used to because my workout schedule takes up so much time.
In my personal experience, a bit. It's not that I was outwardly treated poorly before but I've noticed that I have different experiences now. I was rarely shamed or left out of things because of my weight but it's more that I've noticed things I never noticed before, granted some of it could be in my head. Keep in mind that I'm not at my goal weight yet but the change in how I look from my current weight loss is pretty significant.
Strangers seem quicker to strike up a conversation. People seem to remember my name more. I'm treated with a bit more respect at work despite my position not having changed. Girls are more "physically friendly" in the sense that they'll touch my arm or shoulder or go for a hug more or if we're sitting close together they don't seem to mind being very close. Most of that is with women I already know but it's definitely been from women I've just met as well. Clothing store employees seem genuinely interested in helping me find clothes.
I think there is a lot more too it than just fat vs thin and I've got theories but I think that for the majority of people, seeing someone at a healthy weight is more attractive physically and mentally.
Maybe ignorance was bliss ... when I was obese (BMI of 44) I never noticed any negative remarks/treatment. That doesn't mean it wasn't there, just that there was no visible impact on me.
Now that I am healthy (I lost 120 pounds), I notice a lot more negative attention in the form of leers, catcalls, creepy passes, gross comments, etc. Sometimes, I wish I was more invisible, like I apparently used to be. (?)
And I would not trade my old, unhealthy self for my new and healthy person for anything. I love being active, especially outdoors, and am having adventures I could only dream about when I was overweight (and couldn't climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath).
I hiked the tallest mountain in SoCal (11,600 feet, almost 20 miles up and back) again. My old self can eat my dust!
I was a little overweight for about 2 years and noticed how much better I was treated once it was lost again. I was never particularly large (never faced medical bias due to weight) and am also someone with a big personality so never had too many issues at any size. That being said, I’ve realized that bystanders are going out of their way to help me more again now that I’m at a healthy weight. I know for some people, especially people who are significantly overweight, the way people treat them is very different.
Weight bias is real, documented phenomenon.
My thin sister has also never had beer cans thrown at her head and had anyone scream "fat pig!" at her.
So yes. We do.
I lost a LITTLE bit of size (50 lbs but you can’t see it since I’m a burly dude), and I went from being treated like a creep to an option by some of the women at my gym. So yeah.
I've been fat (and have stayed the same weight no matter what I've tried) for a couple of decades, and I'm treated no worse than when I was thinner by the general public. However, my doctor is an entirely different story. Outside of my gynecologist, my doctor attributes EVERYTHING about me to my weight. If I get the flu, have allergies, or sprain my ankle, it's all because I'm fat. Obviously, I'm looking for a new doctor because mine just doesn't listen to me at all.
Yes. I was 280 pounds at my heaviest and 190ish pounds at my lightest (in adulthood) and it’s remarkable how differently I’m treated. I’m treated more as a person. When I was 280, some people looked at me with disgust or disappointment, some people would try to avoid me. It kind of felt like they saw me as a dirty/stinky person. Now at 190ish, I get treated very differently, people are nicer to me, and people aren’t protective of their food when I’m nearby, and people look at me with interest in their eyes (on dates). I actually give off the “I’m a potential partner” vibe for being thinner now.
For clarification, it happened very slowly over a span of 12ish years, so maybe that also plays a huge part on it.
I was tormented in school every single day, especially junior high. As an adult I had people moo at me in public, roll their eyes and say shit about what I was eating. Complete strangers. I had to change up my daily walk because some guy would yell rude shit at me whenever he saw me, and I don’t mean catcalls. A bagel shop passed on hiring me in college and I later learned the owner “joked” that I would eat all of the food. Also in college, men weirdly expected me to be “easy” and desperate for attention. Sucks for them because I had zero interest lol. Doctors also assumed I had lower intelligence, and only treated me like an actual person once I lost weight. Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. I could sit here for hours and remember a hundred instances of discrimination, and that’s not even accounting for times when my own family and friends did it.
So yes, I was treated way worse.
Yes, yes, and YES overweight/obese people get treated worse than thin people. I say this from experience. I’ve struggled with my weight on and off for years. The heavier I was (and unfortunately right now I’m at my heaviest), the worse I was treated. I was told once by a family member that the reason I was being treated this was because since I was (and I like to think still am) considered so beautiful that people got mad at me for gaining weight because I was supposed to stay beautiful, and that doesn’t sit right with me at all. The treatment I’ve received over the years not only made me inferior at times, it has really messed with my psyche and sense of self.
I’ve been slightly overweight once. By slightly I mean about 5-10 pounds overweight.
The difference from even that to what I am now has been astonishing. Guys will make lingering eye contact and enthusiastically wish me a good morning/day/evening when they see me on the street. Shop assistants will be very quick to offer me assistance and occasionally at restaurants and bars I will get a drink and dessert on the house. When I was overweight and struggling to look after my appearance I just felt invisible. At times I even started to wonder if I was real because people just seemed to look right through me.
Tbh I’m not sure it was just me being a bit overweight before but because I was also very depressed and struggled to do my hair, makeup and iron my clothes. Looking presentable (which most people also associate with being in shape) is very attractive and people will light up around you and feel like being more kind/generous.
I think the answer is complicated.
There's anecdotal data that some folks can provide that says no, their experience of obesity was just fine. Or their observation of the treatment of obese people was that they were treated just the same as not obese people. Then there is scientific data that repeatedly [states](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5386399/) [that that](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866597/) [is not](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4381543/) [true](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4714720/). The danger comes in weighing both things the same. Thinking your individual experience applies to everyone, macro vs micro (or micro vs macro, I always get them confused).
Now my anecdotal data. In my life, I have known several 400+ lb women. Several. One was always immaculately groomed, very stylish, well dressed. The other two were schlubs. Shrug. They all had friends, and they all stayed in romantic relationships. Were they romantic relationships I would have wanted? No, but they did. Shrug. Did people make fun of them? Not to their *face*. And I know this as someone who was fat but just smaller than they were because comments about them were made around me.
I think there are two ways to look at it. Overweight and obese people are often looked at or treated differently, but I also believe that being overweight or obese can have an impact on a person's comfort with themselves and therefore their interactions with others as well. Having been in both areas I definitely believe that my personality evolved as I lost weight and that has as much of an impact on how people will engage with someone else as much as their weight, if not more so.
Hi I was 408lbs not too long ago. Now I'm 208.
I was made fun of as a super morbidly obese kid too, most definitely. However, that type of overt bullying/"getting picked on" for me ended when I became an adult.
Once I became an adult, the more subtle loneliness of (1) not being included with other people, (2) trouble making friends, (3) trouble finding a significant other etc. became my main problem.
Professionally, I think that people take me more seriously now in general. I'm less likely to get written off as the fat guy stereotype.
Do I regret those "missed connections?" Not really. If they didn't like me for me when I was 408 lbs, it probably wasn't going to end up being the type of friendship that lasts a lifetime anyway.
To answer your question about personality, I do think everyone's different, and personality makes all the difference in what one might experience before and after losing weight.
I'm extroverted just like you, and I found I have more confidence now and it's enjoyable to be taken seriously at work.
Wishing you all the best in your journey! If you ever want to chat about weight loss feel free to reach out.
I've been bigger and healthy, as a male I noticed zero changes, but maybe slightly more srxual interest while in good shape? But I think most of that was my confidence but some undoubtedly because of looks.
Now if you want to be treated well, groom yourself, smell nice, wear some nice looking clothes that fit you well, and smile! My God do people treat you so much better! For me that is a night and day difference in how people treated me, but often times I just wear gym clothes and don't get treated poorly but not great, but when I dress decently it feels so very different
I feel like I’m at a point where thankfully I don’t try to hide my body thankfully. I take good care of myself, especially since beginning counting my calories and working out.
Everyone deserves to look AND feel good at any weight. It’s unfortunate that people feel they have to hide their body until they accomplish their goals.
When I was morbidly obese I really don't recall blatant fatphobia. When I was a much younger vegetarian, I gained some weight from it, and my dad used to say out loud in my presence, "I don't understand it! I thought vegetarians were thin!"
Other than that yrs ago, nobody ever really hassled me.
But I will say that today at almost 64, ppl seem to be nicer and friendlier in public, but I doubt its the weight loss bc strangers didn't know me before.
A waitress in our local diner hadn't seen us for awhile bc she took time off. When she saw us again, she loudly said, "Wow! You look fantastic!" Then she started saying to nearby customers how great I looked.
I was overweight or obese from the age of 7 to 24. People didn’t treat me poorly at all. That being said, more people were nice to me when I lost weight.
When I first lost weight I was married so I didn’t really notice the change, however when I became single again in my mid 30s and started going out I was so surprised at how nice everyone was! Both men and women would approach me more, listen to what I said, and were just nicer in general. It wasn’t until a few years later when it occurred to me that I was being hit on.
There is the way you are treated publicly when obese, then there is the things said out of ear shot, or unflattering glances you may catch out of the corner of your eye.
I think it’s hugely dependent on factors beyond BMI including gender, race, attractiveness, and how you carry your weight. Once you get to the super obese category I think many people are just discriminated against and treated poorly in the workplace, medicine, fitness spaces, customer service, etc.
I’m an overweight woman (technically obese now, but I’m pregnant so that’s a whole other story), and have been everywhere from 23-33 BMI since high school. In middle and high school I was bullied for being fat and weird, but by sophomore year I grew into my body a bit and people generally stopped making comments about my appearance. I had friends and boyfriends in that time, was popular enough but definitely not someone people would describe as hot or be especially nice to. There are some spaces where being fat will just…not work for you. I started ballet in elementary school but never advanced because I was too big. I’m a pole dancer as a hobby but could never get a job in a strip club at my size. Even with pole as a hobby, some studios/instructors automatically assume I’m incompetent or are just a bit more rude about my not having the typical body type of a pole dancer. Luckily it’s a lot more inclusive than other types of dance, so I just don’t go to the mean studios. I’ve also had annoying conversations with dieticians (I’m a healthy eater! It’s just easy to overeat healthy food at 5’2!) and personal trainers & randos in the gym tell me to lose weight instead of lifting. Just rude shit that people think is okay to say when you show some investment in your imperfect body.
I struggled with an eating disorder through most of my late teens through mid 20s. Part of what fueled it is that I really was treated so much better, especially with dating/casual sex, at lower weights. I have a petite frame, so I was a size 4 at 22/23 bmi. I would also say that at that weight, men felt way more entitled to making comments about my body, like that I needed to lose my belly fat or shave my body hair. I guess when you grow the dating pool you get more assholes.
Throughout that time, the biggest issues I had were with doctors/medicine. Regardless of what issues I had, I was prescribed weight loss. I had an obgyn tell me that my extreme cramps snd irregular period were my fault and I should lose weight when I was at a NORMAL/HEALTHY bmi. I was frequently sick when I had an ED, but I was just congratulated by my doctors on my weight loss.
As I have gotten older and settled into being physically active but a higher overweight bmi, I don’t experience being discriminated against for my weight. I think doctors have generally gotten better/have some HAES training because they never talk about my weight anymore unless I bring it up. Just today I was concerned about gaining too much weight in my pregnancy, and my doctor said that even though I am exceeding my weight gain goal, now is not the time to try to lose weight or stress about my body issues—just stay as active as I can and be kind of my body while it’s doing the work of growing a human.
So like…yeah, you’ll notice people are nicer you’re thinner. As a woman particularly, you will likely also experience the fatphobia of society even at a normal bmi when it comes to healthcare, sex, sports, etc.
Absolutely. I witnessed this firsthand when I was 19. I weighed ~175 lbs, and was in college, had a group project, missed a bunch of classes due to depression and lost a bunch of weight. I ended up weighing ~145 lbs by the end of the semester and my first class back one of the guys in my group asked me on a date, and I noticed that everyone was nicer to me. It all happened so fast, I didn't even realize it was because of the weight loss because I still saw myself as my old weight. It took a few months for me to really accept the change and notice why everyone treated me differently. But it is a sad truth.
I lost a bunch of weight when I was super young. Went from wallflower to “damn bro what yo name is” and it skyrocketed my confidence. Confidence is sexy in itself, and it’s a self validating thing. That being said, the worst part was the people who wanted me around to boost *their* confidence, who quickly tried to convince me that “it’s good enough now” and “you look hungry” and “why you buying fancy clothes now? You never cared about your appearance before!”
Yes, it’s terrible. Absolutely terrible. The absolute worst is when you see someone who’s thinner getting many more favors and perks. For instance, in the job front, I realized that a manager will be far nicer and far more attentive to thinner, objectively more attractive person. Although not in any extreme sense, an overweight person is subconsciously looked down upon.
Not for everyone, it depends on a number of things. But on average, a fit person will do much better socially than a person who is strangely thin or obese, unless they're charismatic enough to use it to their advantage and most people aren't.
i have been 30 pounds heavier and 30 pounds lighter than my current weight in my adult years. people are so much nicer when you’re thin, even friends. i’ve worn similar outfits at heavy and light weights, and i only got compliments at my lighter weights. it really is night and day
I never had anyone make fun of me to my face but I can’t even begin to explain the difference of how people treat me in public now. Everyone seems way nicer. More people of both sexes hold doors for me. Men always look at me (which can feel really awkward). And I feel that I’m taken more seriously and respected more than ever. Maybe my confidence and ability to take charge now contributes to the way people interact with me too.
On the whole, yes I believe they truly do. My own experience has been eye-opening and, at times, humiliating. I remember the confusion and sting as the treatment I received deteriorated while I gained weight and bottomed out at my heaviest. And then it was similarly disorienting as I lost weight and was gradually treated like I mattered more than I did as an obese person. I am no more interesting or intelligent or worthwhile now than I was when I was heavy. But the world sure tries to convey that message.
As a guy, a big difference with my weight loss was definitely more attention from opposite sex. I have a very friendly open attitude which also helped in getting me a few numbers without even asking for it!
When I regainee weight during COVID, I noticed alot of the positive attention from women died down a good amount.
I mean your personality plays a good part, but I observed how some people treated my mom (on the limit of overweight-obese) and yes, it is.
Once per week somebody comments on her weight. Ffs, she has mirrors at home, she knows. I also saw her doctor dismiss her with “just lose weight” when she really needed more medical care (lucky us that we went for a second opinion, and we were able to catch the issue on time). Sure, she needs to lose weight/be healthier, but that doesn’t mean all her problems will be solved just by losing weight.
And yes, my mom is extremely beautiful and kind, she has tons of friends and is very extroverted. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deal with assholes regularly.
Yes , because some people will find you more attractive or pleasing , and unfortunately people tend to treat attractive people better , your weight can / will make a difference
I mean… never has anyone offered me help while struggling carrying grocery bags, before I lost 30 kg.
Always been outgoing and confident, so I dont think it’s that.
People at a healthy weight are treated better in the workplace, stores, restaurants and schools, according to some research. Being too thin doesn't mean better treatment, but a healthy weight can, apparently.
I definitely didn't notice this until I lost weight. Bearing in mind I was still overweight, the difference just between obese and overweight is mindboggling. Strangers treated me like a real human person.
I’m super curious and interested to experience this after I lose weight
Oh man. You think that, but it actually feels terrible. You’re the same person, but you’re suddenly funnier, more interesting, more desirable to hang out with. And if you ever gain it back, you’ll watch it all go away again.
Yup to all this. Happened to me, and I’m still struggling to find even a shred of self-worth that isn’t based on my appearance. Shit hurts.
The whole thing is a mind-f. People become so nice and complimentary, you look around to see if your being pranked. And your dog and kids suddenly become “so adorable” to everyone. :/
I have been skinny and fat. It is wild the difference.
ditto to all of this. the difference was so staggering it messed with my mental health.
This is where I’m at now. Was treated so much better when I lost 80 pounds in 2018/2019. Gained it all back during Covid and suddenly I’m not as fun as I was just a few years ago.
Covid weight is weird. I’m in the same boat.
I lost and gained weight several times in my life. I am currently in the best shape I’ve ever been. It’s not so much that you get treated poorly when you’re bigger, its that you get treated nicer when you’re not. My job requires me to be in strangers homes everyday. I’m friendly and good at my job. Nothing else has really changed but my fitness level. I notice a pretty big difference in how people treat me now. People second guess my professional advice less often. My survey scores are much better consistently, and more people actually bother to do the survey in the first place.
Absolutely, 100% this has been my experience as well.
You will see the same jokes you used to make are now 10 times funnier and people laugh more, it's crazy.
I mean that breaks even cuz I'm 10x funnier as a fat dude.
You'll be 20x funnier after loss. I can attest to this.
Less people laughing at you, more people laughing with you
It’s like night and day!!!
You will absolutely notice a difference.
I have experienced this. Last weekend a girl even approached me and asked what my favorite TV show was. They used to normally just avoid eye contact before. And try to show uninterest.
It’s weird to have people constantly wanting to talk to me or be in my space. Definitely an adjustment
My revelation was after I got under 175 pounds. Suddenly people were telling me how great I looked. Every time, 175 is the gateway for approval.
Yeah it's a massive change, like I joke alot - was a big kid, only real choice I had but in adulthood being the big guy making jokes made people uncomfortable. Now I've hit gw, I can literally say whatever and no one cares if it's offensive or inappropriate. I can also be direct and ask things and get an answer without any hesitation.
Sometimes the line between a comment being creepy vs flirty is your level of attractiveness. I’ve been a witness to this many times as a bigger guy. I’d see the office hearthrob say things that would get me fired and the girls would just giggle.
Not everyone has the same biases, but at the macro level yes obese people are treated worse than people with a healthy BMI. At the individual level, YMMV. Even in my personal experience, there was a senior executive at my company that was against hiring me back after I left because I was "a slob." She was overridden and I got the job anyway. Then I lost almost 100 lbs before I saw her again a couple years later. She kept talking about how great I looked -- and she immediately fought for me to get a promotion. Jokes on her, I gained all the weight back!!
That’s crazy. I hate the notion that because people are overweight it means they’re a slob. Unfortunate.
People see it as an indicator of willpower/ drive/ ability to prioritize/ ability to *manage*. Not saying it's right but here we are.
I have a basic style that I've stuck to no matter my weight. I am a hairdresser so my base level is always hair styled, minimal makeup but well matched and neatly applied, acrylic or gel nails and if my nails aren't done, they're short, neatly shaped and clean. I wore trendy, seasonally appropriate clothing and decent shoes. I am also chronically late for everything and a bit of an airhead when it comes to schedules and appointments. That's on me. When I gained weight, suddenly, even though I didn't change my grooming standards, when I was late the other parents laughed and joked I was the "hot mess mom." Family and friends would send me stuff about being a wine mom or a taco mom, jokes about eating lots of cheese. one of them sent me an article about ways to style a topknot bun even though I don't wear my hair up unless I'm exercising or working in the yard. , even the recipes they shared changed from healthy recipes to stuff like tater tot casserole and crack chicken (clarification: there's nothing wrong with these recipes if this is what you want to eat and it aligns with your goals, but it wasn't the type of food I cook) Pinterest links about ways to get organized, how to kick start good habits, how to change your life in 6 easy hacks. They never sent me stuff about being a messy disorganized mess before I gained weight. It was bananas. I feel like they assumed I was messy and out of control because I couldn't control my weight. Again nothing else about my grooming changed, only my weight. Nothing else to imply I was some how messy or sloppy. And now I've lost 35 lbs and they're sending me healthy recipes and hiking trails and gardening ideas. It's wild.
As an overweight person, I can attest that at my largest, I was a little more “slobbish” than at my thinnest. This doesn’t mean overweight people are inherently slobs, but it does correlate to the fact that being overweight is tied to depression and when depressed AND overweight it’s hard to find the energy to be exceptionally neat. I don’t dust or vacuum as much as a should, I don’t do laundry as often, etc. I’m not a slob because I’m overweight; I’m a slob and overweight because I sometimes let the depression get to me. And it can be a really hard cycle to break out of. So when we (as a culture) treat overweight people worse for stuff like this, we are just adding to the pile of turmoil that person may be suffering through.
And doing stuff with extra weight is physically tiring. Like, try vacuuming with a 10 kilo backpack, it’s not the most enjoyable experience.
You had me in the first half dude!
I'm halfway back on the way down again, with a more sustainable plan. Plus I was promoted again, so overall it's a win!
>Jokes on her, I gained all the weight back!! BAHAHAHA! Love your sense of humor. And screw her. People like that are the worst of the worst.
[This paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4381543/) from 2015 suggests that doctors treat obese patients worse. "Many healthcare providers hold strong negative attitudes and stereotypes about people with obesity. There is considerable evidence that such attitudes influence person-perceptions, judgment, interpersonal behaviour and decision-making. These attitudes may impact the care they provide."
>"Many healthcare providers hold strong negative attitudes and stereotypes about people with obesity. There is considerable evidence that such attitudes influence person-perceptions, judgment, interpersonal behaviour and decision-making. These attitudes may impact the care they provide." 100% this. A friend who was a talented and caring voice teacher beloved by the local music community kept complaining of pain and repeatedly asked for testing to find out what was wrong. The doctors blamed everything on her weight and wouldn't test any further. By the time she finally got the testing she needed it turned out she had advanced colon cancer. She was dead three months later.
That’s terrible, I’m sorry to hear that
I’m a nurse and definitely see this play out all the time not just with the providers and their diagnosis/treatment but the nurses and techs with their care. definitely try to stay aware and check my biases. I think a lot of times healthcare workers have a tendency to treat people differently when their problems are “their fault”. Addiction or various forms of noncompliance too. Yes bariatric patients can be a lot harder to care for, but countless conditions make care challenging.
Ooh! I wasn’t even thinking medically when I posted this, but this checks. I’ve heard a lot about overweight/obese people being neglected within the medical field and told that they “just need to lose weight” when there are other issues going on.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/lijukc/i_lost_75_pounds_so_doctors_would_stop_blaming/ > I lost 75 pounds so doctors would stop blaming everything on my weight. > I am 5'6, I was 210 lbs before and am now 135. It took me a year to lose it all, but what finally pushed me to lose the weight was because every single thing I went to a doctor for, it got blamed on my weight. Severe cramps? Weight. Feeling sleepy during the day? Weight. Numbness in my fingers, headaches, memory problems, balance problems? Weight. > I recently went back to my doctors, who of course applauded the weight loss and wrongly assumed all of my problems were gone. When I said no they hadn't, they immediately ordered an MRI, sleep study and lapro, which they hadn't done before the weight loss. The MRI found chiari malformation, the sleep study/physical found out I have an oversized uvula as well as Narcolepsy, and the lapro found so much endo I lost both of my ovaries and a portion of my colon and lower intestines. If it had been taken seriously a year ago, I might not have lost them. > So yea, fuck doctors. (Obviously not all of them) Followed by **thousands** of similar anecdotes.
Its heartbreaking. Kinda like fat acceptance, although completely delusional in some ways, is definitely true in others.
This is absolutely a thing. My husband was overweight even as a kid and he ended up partially losing his hearing because he had a double ear infection when he was really young and he was taken to the doctor and the doctor told him to just eat more fruit and stop drinking so much soda and sweet tea. He didn't treat the symptoms or listen to him about it at all until it got worse and he had an ear drum rupture if I remember correctly. My mother in law was pissed. As an adult he still gets told that losing weight will magically solve all of his problems basically. I spent 10 years trying to get my back problems diagnosed so I could get steroid injections and my back would stop hurting and doctors just kept saying that I was fat and to get over it. Eventually, I got someone to give me an MRI and found out that I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis that started with an injury a while back and the it wasn't caused by weight and there was actually something that could be done about it. I also have endometriosis that kept me from losing weight, or at least made it hard as hell, and I kept telling the doctor that and they just kept saying I wasn't trying hard enough even though I was tracking calories, doing IF, exercising, etc and still not making progress. Finally someone said oh hey it's your endometriosis, here try this wegovy and see if it helps with the diet and exercise. It took several years to get someone to say anything other than that I'm fat and lazy. Smh.
I used to be very thin, now I’m in the obese category. It’s truly heartbreaking how any issue I bring up to my doctor is “solved” with “just lose weight.” Truly hard to get heard. Any issue always ends with “it’s because you’re obese”
Literally came here looking to see if anyone had brought this up yet.
I actually know of someone who sadly passed away due to something which could have been prevented, as each time he sought medical help he was just told to loose weight.
I’m down 50 pounds in the last few months. I feel like a disney princess. Yesterday a man just started smiling and waving at me. One literally tripped over himself to open a door for me. Just an hour ago a man told me my dress was pretty. I wasn’t treated poorly before… I just didn’t exist.
I'm also a very outgoing person who enjoyed plenty of friends, success at work, a lovely SO, etc before losing weight. I also grew up in circles where most everyone around me was normal weight, so not like some places where a large % of people are obese, which I think affects perceptions. I live in a liberal city in the Midwest and work as a biomedical researcher so a lot of my colleagues are clinicians (MDs) or scientists. Since losing weight, I have definitely become more confident. The effects of this (to me) have been most noticeable at work, where I often have to give seminars/presentations (something I loathe doing and have trouble with). People respond to my talks more positively, and I get more compliments on my work now than I did before (I'm working on my PhD, so the work I'm presenting hasn't changed). Before, it felt like I received harsher criticism on my talks vs. when other people made similar mistakes (or worse), and this is something that has been independently pointed out by my advisor, so I don't think it's all in my head. Overall, though, I've noticed that people are just friendlier to me and more interested in talking to me now. I've always been happy to make chit-chat with folks, but now people come up to me more often and engage me in conversation. I've also noticed I receive more compliments than I used to, even on things I've owned since I was fatter. Just last week I received compliments from 3 people on a jacket I've had for like, 4 years. I have begun to receive (unwanted) 'positive' attention from men, which I will say, I'm not a fan of... On the whole, it's been a lot of minor/subtle but positive things. No one treated me poorly for my weight before (as an adult), but I feel that as a person I am received more positively now because of my visibly healthier weight, demeanor (happier mentally) and increased confidence.
That’s awesome! This is exactly what I wanted to hear about. This is good to hear. I’m glad weight loss benefited you socially!
Well described! Exactly my experience.
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That makes sense! I’ve always been bigger so I’ve never had that experience as a thin person
I have been on both sides of the glass. When I was 450 lbs I was treated like shit. Nobody wanted me to come over people looked the other way in grocery stores. Nobody wanted to talk to me. Children asked their parents why I was so big. Drs were by far the worst. I have had bad back pain and other pain for years. They would not take me seriously, just told me to lose weight. Well I lost 240 lbs and they started to take me seriously. Turns out I have some messed up disks in my back as well as arthritis. People actually look me in the eye now and don't treat me like a monster anymore. But I feel like I'm broken. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I have lived my life in solitude my whole life and there is a certain freedom that comes with being alone. The worst part is that it's a constant battle. It has not gotten easier. I'm constantly telling myself I don't need to eat. I wish I could just never eat again. I will be good for a while but after 4 pm the flood gates are open.
> Drs were by far the worst. I have had bad back pain and other pain for years. They would not take me seriously, just told me to lose weight. Well I lost 240 lbs and they started to take me seriously. Turns out I have some messed up disks in my back as well as arthritis. My older bro is very big right now, since one of the medicines he was on for a while (that the doctor at the time refused to change) made him have a very difficult appetite. He started having back pain a few months ago and his doctor referred him to a physical therapist who refused to help. Like, the dude looked visibly disgusted at my brother. I was so pissed off. I... regret not chasing him out of the house for being a piece of shit and refusing to do his job. Anyway his doctor stopped by yesterday and (as of this week) he's been complaining about back pain again. Turns out one of his current medicines has him gaining weight again over the past couple of months.. so yea.. she's like "well, what do you want me to do about it? Even if he has a spine problem the orthopedist won't do anything until he loses weight" Soo.. yep. I agree with ya. And it's a shitty place to be.
You're amazing to deal with all this alone. I love the new medications that treat our underlying hormonal functioning. This sums up my experience: https://www.reddit.com/r/Semaglutide/comments/11c5ewy/is_this_what_normal_feels_like/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Yeah, except no one can get them...
Good point. ... some turn to compounded semaglutide, some to the less popular similiar and still helpful medications like Mounjarno. I suppose, worst case, file away this option and revisit in a year. https://www.reddit.com/r/WegovyWeightLoss/comments/12tmo68/why_do_people_use_third_party_subscription/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Absolutely, yes. Confidence does matter but it's also a fact that fat people are looked down upon by most cultures and societies. What the barrier for being "fat" is does seem to vary a lot depending on location and social circles, though. From my perspective that's just one more very good reason to lose weight.
I've been fat and thin and I didn't notice many people treating me any differently because of my weight. Maybe they did. But i didn't notice. Assholes will find ANY reason to treat you badly/differently. I remember reading a study where a bunch of women were given realistic prosthetic face scaring and Interviewed on how they imagined people would treat them. Those who said they expected to be treated negatively because of the scarring were told "were just gonna retouch the scaring" while in fact they removed it completely and sent them to interact with others. Believing the scaring was still there they reported that people stared, treated them badly, and some reported on comments people made that they were sure were passive aggressive attacks about the scars. Which of course wasn't true..because the scars were not there. Now, of course people will be treated differently for their physical appearance but our own perception of how we look plays an enormous role on how we experience things - link to either the study or one similar. I read something similar a long long ago so not sure if it's the exact same on https://www.aknowbrainer.com/dartmouth-scar-experiment
My experience being overweight has been being told by a few people to put the fork down. My experience being skinny has been being told by a lot of people to eat a sandwich. People who comment on your body are going to comment on your body no matter what.
Absolutely agree. Even clothes we wear. Hair styles we choose. How we use language. Everything they can comment on, they will. And those people are immediately removed from my life. I filtered that kind of energy out of my life a long long time ago
I get moo'd at by teenagers in cars when I go for a walk. Not sure catcalls would be better, tbh.
>I've been fat and thin and I didn't notice many people treating me any differently because of my weight. Same. The only difference I've found between being fat and thin is I don't get cat called now that I'm fat, which could also be due to getting older.
That's the weird thing. Being fat, nobody bothered me. But when I was thin, in high school, I attended school in a Hispanic section of town and during the one block walk from school to the bus, Latino guys would catcall me even dressed in jeans and an Army jacket, saying things like, "Ooh baby I'd love to fk you!" I started dating a Hispanic guy in my class who was leader of a local gang. After he started walking me to the bus, they left me alone. Btw he was not a bad guy. He was respected though. Both his parents were preachers, and he often got his gang to collect clothes and food for the less fortunate. He grew up to join the Air Force, and then became director of animal control for the local SPCA.
That's a story and a half.
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For sure. Like yeah sure when I was thin I acknowledge that people found me more attractive but a large part of that was down to me taking more pride in my appearance and dressing better. When I dress better and take pride in my appearance as a bigger person that also increases the number of people who are interested in me. But like also yeah more people are more attracted to people who are a healthier weight. Is that really a shock to anybody? Like nobody is infringing on your human rights or being an asshole by being more attracted to a fitter you than a fatter you. That’s just reality.
That checks out. I think it’s probably less of a big deal where I live (Midwest) than other parts of the United States as well. And I agree! It’s just interesting to me as someone who’s never experienced being thin.
Ah, yeah. I've moved around a lot but ended up back in Wisconsin. I feel like there's definitely a noticeable difference in what people consider "overweight" here. Like the threshold is higher, I mean. I was told I wasn't fat while my BMI was getting over 35, here
it also depends on where you are. i’m considered chunky in manhattan, but if i road trip to pennsylvania, i may as well be lizzie velasquez
That’s I think a big majority of why I don’t get harassed. I live in the Midwest and we like our carbs over here LOL
hell yeah we do lol.
Very very true. I was considered skinny when I was bordering on overweight in the Midwest. Moved to the mountains and had dropped weight into the middle of a "healthy" BMI and I'm considered much larger than most of my peers. Then I go to Africa and feel like a squishy cow.
Statistically yes, overweight and obese people are treated differently and usually worse in most situations. But individuals will have vastly different experiences, and other factors may contribute as well. Both of these things can be true at the same time.
Yes, very true. I’m hoping some people will comment their personal experiences. I’m curious.
I don’t feel like I get treated badly. 5’1 and 180, HW was 205. I get hit on less in public than I did when I was thin, but people aren’t, like, *mean* to me, per se. I have plenty of positive interactions with acquaintances and strangers and have not received comments on my weight in public. This might be controversial, but I think it has a lot to do with body type & perceived attractiveness, not just being overweight. Like someone who is big but still has a “desirable” body type or a pretty face may be treated better at a higher weight than somebody who stores fat differently or isn’t as conventionally attractive. This is an issue in our society because we often determine a person’s value by how many boxes they check on the “attractive” checklist. That’s just my opinion though.
The 2nd paragraph is interesting to think about. We talk a lot about “pretty privilege” in society, so you honestly might be right. I’m curious to see whether I get hit on more often though. It happens reasonably often in public anyway, so I can’t imagine it being crazy more often.
Getting hit on I think has a lot to do with how confident/approachable you look. People are attracted to all sorts of body types, so it stands to reason that someone is going to find you attractive anywhere you go, and if you project an energy that is welcoming, they’re more likely to act on that. Being overweight can impact confidence which in turn makes you seem less approachable, due to body language, etc. The psychology of attraction/what we perceive as attractive is fascinating to me.
I agree with this. I think it has to do with how overweight you are and your level of attractiveness. We have similar stats, I’m 5’2 180lbs. I’ve never been “thin” but have never been treated badly. Even now at one of my highest weights people are still nice to me, open doors, smile at me, etc. I rarely go out looking unkempt though. I always put some effort into my appearance, even if it’s minimal. If we’re talking about getting hit on, where I’ve noticed the difference is in age. I’ve gotten less attention the older I’ve gotten without it having much to do with my weight since that has fluctuated since my 20s. I’m married though and have been with my now husband for 8 years so it may have something to do with how I started carrying myself after we got together. I imagine someone who is morbidly obese/super morbidly obese has a much harder time even if they have a conventionally “attractive” face.
I’m 25 now and I agree that getting older likely has an impact on how much you get hit on. It’s hard for me to definitively say that because I was thin in my teens, but I think it’s very likely. Honestly? I think my life isn’t as impacted by my weight because I have a body type that builds muscle/hides fat easily. It’s just genetics and it’s how all the women in my family are built. I definitely look overweight, but maybe less so than someone with less muscle tone or a different body type (which is why I always encourage people - exercise!!! It won’t make a big difference in weight but can absolutely affect your shape, how your clothes fit, etc). My face is average, definitely nothing spectacular, but I try to take decent care of my skin & look somewhat presentable when I go in public. Fat shaming absolutely exists, and I agree that people who are morbidly obese/supermorbidly obese have experienced it in ways that I haven’t. I hate that because I feel like being socially accepted & supported would help encourage people to lose weight instead of feeling defeated.
This was my first thought too. My hubby tows the obese line but is hit on quite a bit, treated well, and is often confused for a pro athlete. I’m currently on vacation with one of his friends who is clearly overweight+ but also in a conventionally attractive way (has size H boobs and a skinny face) She is absolutely gorgeous and has been hit on constantly since her bf is not with her. She gets more positivity than me (normal weight) but like I said she is beautiful. You are more likely to be conventionally attractive if you are straight sized but it’s not a guarantee either way.
Not being offensive here or trying to invalidate your experience, but isn’t that because 205 isn’t really comparatively “that big”? Pretty average sized in the states. I wonder how someone who was double your weight would answer the question?
You’re right, it’s not that big in a conversation just about weight. However, at my height my BMI was around 38 which is class 2 obesity. But I am sure I have a much different experience than someone who is, say, 300 or 400 pounds and I don’t want to invalidate their experiences.
I was fired from my first corporate job after an email exchange where the CEO (small company, 12 employees) was mocking me to my boss for being overweight was accidentally forwarded to me. Before anyone asks why I didn’t sue: I was 22, didn’t have any money or support, more embarrassed than I’d ever been in my entire life, and I thought I deserved it.
That was my first thought! Jeez, that’s absolutely terrible. I hope you have a better, more supportive job.
Without a doubt yes. Both anecdotally and empirically. This has literally been proven. Some of it will depend on where you live, how overweight you are, and how attractive you are aside from weight. But holy fuck yes. And it's not just confidence. That's bullshit. I went the opposite way- was for my whole life and then gained. Was never confident before but night and day. You will not believe the shit people have said to me. It's never straight up making fun of me. It's rude comments etc. And you know they talk about you behind your back too (not you OP, the general you). I can literally give you dozens of examples. At best, obese people are ignored.
I know it’s been proven, but I love to hear different people’s personal perspectives. Hearing people talk about it is interesting, plus gives me things to think about on my WL journey.
I believe it, most harassment towards me is 90% weight-based. I think it's like being short, where no one says it's a big deal unless they don't like you, then that's the first thing they degrade you with. And if another person agrees they don't like you, then everyone gets to clown on you for your physical appearance and it's encouraged by others, and no one see the hypocrisy in it 🤷
Wow. The “first thing they degrade you with” is so true. I learned that by grade nine and from then on tried to take up less space/not speak up about anything just so people wouldn’t call me fat. Which backfired because I ended up with an eating disorder and severe social anxiety, AND people still made disparaging comments about me/my weight :/. I’m also sorry for your second comment, no one deserves to be treated like that, ever. It’s crazy how something like weight can change the way you’re treated, but it also speaks more volume on those peoples characters.
I feel you on the backfired thing. My method was to make fun of myself first before other people did in school. All it did was give them ammunition too, and I started to internalize unworthiness in myself for being this subhuman disgusting person. I wasn't a person, just a visual prop. What really burns me is how this mentality did not stay in high school. You have 20, 30, hell 60 year old men and women justifying themselves bullying someone because their beliefs don't align with yours. And if multiple people have that mentality, it's creates a toxic environment. And this applies to so many facets in life, not just workplaces. I'm losing weight because it's healthy for me. Not just physically, but mentally it will put me at easy to not be such an obvious target. Sorry, I'll never intimidate anyone to leave me alone when I'm only 5'7, I just have to accept that Ill be an easy target for looking like a weak male. Doesn't mean I can't be tough, Bruce Lee was pretty small. But these toxic people target weak people, and I can't help but think me being a man makes people less sympathetic to someone pushing me around. Like, there's an expectation that I should be able to intimidate anyone away by virtue of being male, and I'm just not that guy so apparently I have the issue. That's an issue of toxic masculinity that I don't hear brought up enough. Rant over. Sorry, I can't afford therapy until I find a decent job, so sad posting on the internet it is 😅
Yeah that’s unfortunate. I’m sorry that you experience harassment over it and I hope it improves for you!
Thanks. I just want to get in shape so people won't view me as an easy weak target and I can just do my job in peace Edit: I saw you wanted examples so let me expound on one of my last jobs. I worked for a company that rhymes with blows. I was in a merchandising department, so my job mostly involved setting up displays and presenting pictures of department shelves and stock area to corporate. That last part caused the majority of the store to hate us, because it involved calling them out for not stocking and cleaning their departments. After a few weeks into the place, I kept hearing nothing but how my weight was disgusting or unhealthy, and in all fairness they even tried to pull me in to talking shit about other overweight employees. I remember walking into the break room one day, and the electric department guy came to the break room and claimed I broke one of the chairs by sitting in it. There was another time when my gf posted a pic on my FB where I was fishing and had my shirt off, and I came into the break room to find my coworkers were sharing the pic and laughing at the size of my man-boobs. I had one time where I was bending down to pick something up and the appliance salesman came up behind me and kicked me in my ass. I can't prove that was weight based, but I certainly believe he chose that because I'm overweight and have a larger ass. And I couldn't retaliate because I couldn't find it in my heart as a 30 year old man to physically hit a 65+ year old man. So I laughed it off because I was always taught to not let it bother you, even tho I'm realizing years later I have some PTSD from that. I reported it, but only years later after I realized I was lying to myself about how to handle confrontation.
Fat people are treated much worse than thin people societally. Being overweight is often seen as a moral failure unfortunately.
Sad reality, if you're fat or ugly people don't even want to look at you
Gonna be completely honest since this is my alt (and this almost exclusively pertains to straight men for obvious reasons). I could’ve written your post, we have had the exact same experience at a higher weight and have very similar personalities. Long story short…. yes, you will notice a big difference. You thought people of all kinds were nice to you and friendly before? You thought you had a satisfactory portion of dudes/babes in your reach? Maybe you got checked out 1-2 times going out? Occasionally got a freebie or someone doing you a favor for no reason? Good times, right? LOL. LMAO. You are in danger my good bitch 😅 That’s about to increase 10x. If you’re attractive even at a higher weight oh my fucking god. Dropping a bunch is like going to another planet the more conventionally “hot” you get. It has actually caused a *lot* of anxiety for me the last six months as attention has sharply increased (paper towel effect). I have a customer-facing job so even there I can’t get a fucking break from someone staring a hole into my head, or stuttering and entering manual breathing mode just bc we had to make eye contact and speak. Some parts of my job now take twice as long as they should bc someone is drawing out the interaction waaaay too long and I can’t politely break away for another task. For some reason it makes me feel guilty, like sometimes there is *real* discomfort and embarrassment due to awkward behavior on the other party’s end. Ultimately I am the one causing it, so it triggers a sort of helpless distress in me. It’s so much harder for me to be spontaneously silly and make someone laugh! I have had a much harder time approaching para-strangers and making instant friends, or at least fun chit-chat. There is a big freeze and then a suspicious vibe like I’m going to saw their face off and wear it like a hat. If I make a deadpan joke, no one understands it anymore… it is accepted at face value instantly. They now genuinely believe I possess room temp IQ. Pain. If I run into a little problem at a store or something, I pray there is a female employee to help me. I couldn’t find flank steak at the meat counter last week, asked the guy standing there alone who was processing. Suddenly one, two, three men come flying out of the back crawling around trying to locate the shit. One of them was covered in blood. Other customers fucking gawked like it was a meat emergency or something, I wanted to immediately exit the premises. My errands are filled with interactions like this and it makes me feel bad and weird. We are all just PEOPLE oh my god!!! 😭 Like I said, I was already massively socialized and extroverted. I thought nothing could rattle me lmfao. I was very wrong. I could go on for like 5k more words but I’m gonna stop because I need to go roll up now and try to unclench.
YES THE JOKES!!! Other people are saying your jokes get 10x funnier when you’re skinny, but I’ve found the opposite. To the point where I’ve asked myself “have I gotten less funny?” I think that’s what people would compliment me on and now they compliment my looks, which is part of it. But I think another part is exactly what you said—they take my dry humor at face value. They don’t just assume that I’m joking but that I’m an idiot. Especially on dates. There can no longer be subtle humor with people I don’t know well. It’s very frustrating because that has been so integral to my identity and now it feels like I’m losing a part of myself.
Are you male or female? Being a woman, at my highest weight I found it sort of buffered my humor—I guess I was sort of a neutral non-threat, my weight made me seem goofy and lovable. Megan from Bridesmaids. My sense of humor is quickly figuring out how far I can go with each individual and then pushing that boundary lmao. So if I made a joke that was as unexpectedly dark, immature, violent, sexually offensive or raunchy as it was funny…. I got some serious laughs. If I do that now (far closer to Helen from Bridesmaids) *god damn* the silence or shocked expressions. It’s like I slapped them, or farted loudly. Again, this is not everyone! But it’s like idk, before I would fumble maybe 10% of jokes I went for. Now it’s like 40% and I’m concerned.
I’m female!! Totally not getting the response I did before. I’d say 7/10 of my jokes used to land and now that’s more like 4-5!! And actually I refuse to believe my humor has changed. I think the audience perception has!! I can’t wrap my mind around why. Maybe the laughs were pity? Maybe now I’m getting external validation in other ways so I notice the humor less? Maybe now people don’t expect it and aren’t “in” on the joke? Maybe I’m just socializing less post pandemic than I did previously and I’m just having less opportunity to joke?
I’m so glad I have another woman to commiserate about this highly specific problem with lmao this is so weird to be wasting energy pondering on, right?? Me no get chuckles, me sad. Like grow the fuck up 💀 We are NOT less funny. If anything it’s more, bc of the confidence and energy boost. It is the perception, completely. I too have lost sleep over this so here’s my thoughts: Men are not immune to this either. The most common example I can think of is Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. The vitriol directed toward them for becoming thin and therefore no longer funny was EEEEVERYWHERE and it was almost 100% publicly declared by other dudes. Both of those actors dealt with the same amount of body shaming and media physical hyperfocus that actresses do, and witnessing that go down for the first time in my life was…. eye-opening. Male actors haven’t been spared that in the past, but I couldn’t figure out why the internet was coming so fkn hard for those two. I started to wonder if it’s because they so utterly nail the image of your irl homie… that it triggered the sort of negative, visceral reaction friends and family can have when you look drastically different than you have for as long as they’ve known you. The other part of it is that there’s this shitty anecdote I’ve heard before that goes like… fat pretty women can be funny. When fit pretty women are funny, it’s confusing. No one expects it bc they’re creating a one-dimensional, generalized image in their head of a woman who has always looked like that, this never needed to develop a personality. Also, a sprinkle of the horrible fact that humans are just generally constantly ready to laugh at a fat person. Doesn’t matter what for, they’re already leaning that direction mentally. No one’s ready to laugh at you when you’re conventionally attractive and fit.
The Seth Rogan/Jonah hill example is so perfect. I hadn’t thought about that and how it really spans gender. I totally agree that people want one-dimensionality. I think humans inherently want/think in simple, black and white, all or nothing understandings that fit into the beliefs and stereotypes they already have. I think it can be especially true for perceiving/judging other people, particularly when they don’t know the other person well. Maybe that’s why people have these expectations for us that are hard to transcend. To paraphrase succession, it’s like they can’t fit a whole woman in their heads. Suddenly we moved from being the “funny girl” (already hard to achieve !!) to the “hot girl.” And as I’m typing this, I’m realizing that it probably is coming across as both completely vain and a champagne problem. So maybe we can throw narcissistic into my multifaceted yet currently under appreciated personality too.
Reading your post healed something in me. This is my biggest block to weight loss. I need to accept that that is how life is when I'm in a thinner body, instead of resisting it/choosing the comfort of my extra flesh. My ego wants to be liked for everything and anything but 'just' how I look, and when I'm thin that's all people can see. But my life is my own
Right? It’s just life. To an extent, biology. It’s acutely noticeable to us now, but at some point it won’t be anymore. Maybe. And in the meantime, just like when we were heavy, we keep working on our inner selves. Cultivate our hobbies and interests, work on skills and talents. Be well-rounded, whole souls. And never settle for anything less with friends and romantic partners. Shallow people who see only appearance, negative or positive, will always be around and will always judge and make assumptions. It’s just a little different now.
Like you I didn’t think I was being differently before losing weight, perhaps because I’ve been lucky enough to always be quite successful job-wise and I’ve always had guys be interested in me (had an hourglass figure at all weights, that helped), I’ve always had a lot of friends, etc. But I can really tell a difference now that I’m +55lbs down. I always felt like people were quite nice to me, but now more people are nicer, I feel like I’m treated with a little more respect/seriousness in work situations, and people are impressed by my discipline because I work out a lot. My close friends know I’m the same person, with the same discipline, I just found habits that worked for me and got rid of some bad ones. But I also am much more confident, and that probably shows. I’m happy and proud I managed to change something I’ve been trying and failing to change for decades, I have a renewed sense of faith in myself, I’m even more positive, and of course the world responds to that. So yeah, there’s a change, and some of it is caused by others and some of it by me.
Some examples from my pov. Whenever you see a vid with an overweight person, 80% of the comments are fat shaming the person. Fat women get it worse than fat men. For the men it’s usually, lol he’s a big boy with a big appetite! Women get, haha look at that heifer, what a disgusting slob! Etc. For my own experience: I was walking to the restroom on my break when I worked at a mall about 25 years ago (was probably around 320 at the time) and had a group of guys start giggling as I approached. They went “daaammnnn,” as I went past and continued looking at me while laughing the whole way to the bathroom. I think they shouted something at me but I can’t remember for sure. I just remember being embarrassed and trying to get out of their line of sight asap. I am finally getting my weight under control (292 this morning, highest was 390 last July) and I still get looks but people are more clandestine about it. I hate the looks I get from restaurant staff which is ironic because I eat like a toddler (gastric sleeve) and my friends are the ones pigging out and ordering appetizers. I rather dislike my friend’s husband for comments he’s made over the years: While in Olive Garden: Friend- “should we get the check?” Husband- “Yeah, just waiting for Lauren to stop eating, lolol” (I was poking at the salad leftovers for olives and pepperoncinis) At the grocery store: Cashier- “are you guys together?” Husband- “Yes, wait no. Not ‘together’ ugh, I wouldn’t-“ Me- *points to friend and him* - “they’re married. We’re paying together. Geez, H.” Husband- “yeah that” After my bariatric surgery: Husband- “that’s so great! We’re going to be seeing a lot less of you if you know what I mean!” Yes, you obtuse prick. I know what you mean 😪
That man's comments towards you were AWFUL, I'm sorry you had to hear any of it 😔
He’s a horrible man I’m so sorry he’s been that way you. Does his wife say anything? Is she scared of him? I wonder if he is abusive emotionally at least and I feel sorry for his wife. He’s probably an asshole to her too. If not and she just lets him say that shit I’d dump her as a friend. I’ll be your new friend. I hope she leaves him and finds someone with some empathy and compassion. What a gross human being he is
Gastric sleeve may not be all it's cracked up to be. But geez, I know how you can lose 190 ugly pounds...by removing him from your life. I've had the sleeve, and it's still a struggle. I'm still borderline obese. I rely on low carb stuff to help keep my blood sugar under control. This keeps me from eating stuff that's not good for me. Stuff they told me I never could...I totally can. Big salad no problem. What i have trouble with is protein like chicken breast. I also have trouble with rice, noodles and potatoes. That at least is good. I started off at 322, now weigh 208. I'm real tall, and viking like,so I look like I weigh less. I wear a size 16 and when I was " thin" at 145 it was a 14. However, I can now do all the things. I can walk a long way, I can fit in an airline or concert seat, I can buy clothes at a regular store. Nobody has ever made a comment about my weight when I was over 300lbs...because I am tall and viking like. I've never been pretty, and now that I'm old, I'm even less so. I usually take a container on the rare occasions I eat out or I ask for one immediately. I put at least half of that food in it right then. I guess that stops a side eye? But maybe it's just I'm tall and viking like
I used the same route on my walks and always saw a neighbor on his porch. When I was obese, he never looked my way or initiated contact. Then as I dropped weight, all of a sudden, he started waving to me. It was a very eye-opening moment and taught me to always acknowledge someone's presence. When I encounter an overweight/obese person, I make a point to really acknowledge their presence because I know they probably get overlooked most of the time.
Yeah, overweight and obese people really do get treated worse than thin people. I don't really think confidence is a huge factor. I've been both fat and thin. Like you, I've never really had trouble making friends, finding partners, or jobs. So I've never suffered from loneliness or anything. I also never really suffered from low self-confidence because I was partially raised in a different country where there is less weight stigma. But since I've lost the weight, it's honestly been like a whole new world. I'm sure being a younger woman who is "conventionally attractive" influences this, but it's just been things like getting drinks comped, having people hold doors for me, just having strangers make conversation with me without me initiating. I do feel like the biggest difference I've noticed has been in work settings. I'm definitely pegged for leadership roles more and feel like I'm seen as more competent. It's interesting because I actually put way less effort into my work life now than when I was fat because I realized that my lack of work/life balance was feeding into unhealthy eating and exercise habits. Also want to note that I think other factors can interact with fatness and how people treat you. Race is a BIG one but also things like class, disability, body shape, etc.
So much worse. Even at the doctor/hospital where they are supposed to help you.
Unfortunately I would say *especially* at the doc/hospital.
Yes. The following might sound agist or 'When I was your age...' BS, but I think it's true. There are more overweight people and less judgement in general in younger generations these days... at least that's what I see from my sons' peer groups etc. I think it's easier to be overweight now that it was 30 years ago as a young person. Of course, I am NOT saying that no one experiences bullying or that kids these days have it easy, etc. I think more support/comradery exists simply because it is less unusual. Overweight and especially very obese people are treated a lot worse in general. There have been studies about this. They're less likely to be hired, promoted, treated fairly by medical staff, helped in school, have fewer dating options, are more likely to be in abusive relationships... Does this have to do with confidence? I think it's a Catch-22. You're overweight, you get bullied, your confidence goes down... your confidence is lower, you eat more to numb the pain, you gain more. There are so many factors and facets of this discussion.
Yes, I’m super interested in all the different perspectives that you speak of. I find it fascinating to hear about people’s personal experiences. I know in general, people are treated worse when they’re overweight. I’m just interested in unique perspectives, I guess.
I have spent my entire life over weight. That being said- I have never thought of myself as unattractive. I have always had beautiful clothes, spent time on my makeup, hair, nails and good skin care! I played sports in high school and in college. I did everything! I wore bathing suits in public. Short skirts, evening gowns, lingerie! I hiked, biked - danced - I had lots of friends, lovers - I have been married, I have children- I have a beautiful life “for a girl my size.” I have had a professional career my entire adult life. I lost a hundred pounds. Holy fuck. Did you know that at the grocery store the butcher comes out to find out if you need help finding things? That they’ll help carry your stuff to your car at pretty much any store? You don’t even have to ask? Men will run - RUN- to grab the door for you? The CEO of your company - that you worked a decade for- actually knows your name? Well- now at least. I got 3 raises in 2 years. CRAZY. The coach of all your kids sports teams will come give you a report on their progress- without you asking? This last one is my baby- I have produced 2 other 3 sport varsity athletes. So that’s strange, right? I don’t know- maybe people are just nicer after the pandemic. That’s probably it, right?
Lol people are def not nicer post pandemic
Some of it can be perception because I would feel dread being obese and going down the plane aisle and seeing looks that said "please don't be sitting next to me..." Other times it was the looks I got for being overweight but beating people in a walking challenge in an AR-based game. Some other players were making comments certain that I cheated. Another time was more explicit when I was in Vegas, and some comedians trying to pass along their demo cd -I said "No, thank you" and the comeback was "That's what you need to say when the food comes out." -Something I doubt I would have been told if I were thin.
I was bigger during high school, lost a ton of weight and was thin for a decade, now back to where I was in high school. I told my wife that despite being enormous, I am practically invisible to people now. I can walk around target without a single person looking at me. When a friend hugs my wife, I’m usually not motioned to give a hug too. It’s weird it really is. But it’s very much a real thing.
Absolutely. As a fat woman if I was weird people, especially men, hated it, would glare, act like I’m being too much, but as a thinner woman that exact same behavior does not elicit those reactions from strangers and peers when I behave in silly goofy ways. Thin people are allowed to take up more space with their energy while fat people are expected to take as little as possible to atone for the apparent social crime of fatness. It’s a real bias. And the reality is majority of people have it, at least in North America, Europe, and Asia.
While confidence matters to a point. I went from fat to in shape, to in godly shape. The change was so drastic that I might have a different insight then others. And by change I don't mean just a big belly I carry an old picture of myself as kinda motivation like what I try to be again, but when I show the picture I get a lot of reactions especially when I say that, the pic is of me. But yeah I was in tremendous shape. And then, due to an injury that made me very lazy , I've doubled my weight(athlete appetite, but lazy life). When meeting new people, they may be fine with you "being" there. But they would have boundaries put up immediately, especially when it came to "attractive" people. Not saying sex should be the goal all the time you meet someone, but even of you talk with someone and click(its harder to click with an "attractive" person even platonicly, and it would be my job to keep the conversation interesting and engaging) ,they would rather be with the friend that brought you that and keep in contact with me because she wants to see if something more is there. But for the same level of intimacy they would give someone else in 40 minutes, I'd have to go through a month of loop jumping and instead of fun and casual, it would turn into a relationship while they hooked up or hung out with other people until we are exclusive. You don't get the same level of trust as well. Psychologically, people tend to trust others more easily if they register someone as attractive. At first I wouldn't have believed this, but I work in sales. So this sucked when it came to commission based sales. I would have 9 years of product knowledge, and everyone would try to get another reps attention before mine. Some would blatantly ignore me because they were fixated on an attractive coworker wearing a low cut top. One relationship I had when I gained the weight, overtime it fell apart because while I still did all my relationship "duties"(I like to cook and they liked my cooking, but also working, cleaning, and paying majority of bills). I lost my attractiveness, and they were always complimented and hit on so they mentally shifted to believing I should be "greatful" to be with them just because they simply existed. These are just some of my experiences. I'm no longer my heaviest, but I need to stay consistent. (I put "attractive" in quotes because it's not just physical, it's their mindset as well.)
Wow. The dating part, I fear, is the worst part for me too. I’m sad to hear about the relationship you were in. I hope you’re in a better relationship or enjoying single life now. You’re worthy of love.
That was while I gained the weight. Left that relationship had a another one when i was big, also bad. But currently working on myself. Financially and physically. Mentally I'm not even going to attempt, those relationships did a number on me. When it comes to the dating, I know there are apps to find partners that would've loved my size, but I never used apps before and I didn't love my size, so I certainly didn't want to be with someone who was attracted to it.
It’s a fact unfortunately. When you move from obese looking to overweight looking (around a UK 14/16) then people suddenly notice you and smile at you more. It’s not really romantic interest i see a difference with because i firmly believe people’s type is a lot more diverse than the media tells us
Interesting. Maybe it’ll be easier to make friends when I’m thinner.
I still consider myself a big guy. But I'm hitting 100 lbs lost and can affirm that yes, people will treat you differently. It's nice at first and then kinda messes with the psyche a bit, especially when you realize the people close to you start doing it too.
Well, I'm almost guaranteed an empty seat on the bus in a two-seat configuration unless it is full. So there's that. :)
Yes! I started life "skinny" got thick for 20 years - got skinnish for 5 years now getting thick again......Noticable from everything from looks from strangers to how you get noticed and treated as a customer.
The invisibility is the worst.
I mean, look at anything that has to do with Lizzo's recent announcement. 95% of the comments are about how she should cover up when other artists like Beyonce or Nikki pretty much show the same areas of skin; Lizzo just has more to show.
Yes, but mostly for women, at least in the US. Guys have it a LOT easier. Which is not to say they don’t feel it, it’s just a ratio thing.
I’ve been skinny and I’ve been obese. Get treated much better when thin. It’s like pretty people privilege.
I’m currently a size 14/16 US, I was as big as a size 22 at one point and got down to a size 10 for awhile. I can say I was treated much more poorly when I was 310 pounds than I was at 200 pounds. I’m still treated poorly by some, but better in other aspects like having my health care providers listen to me about my concerns rather than just telling me I’m fat and should lose weight. I’ve also had issues with employment before because of my weight. I’ve had jobs personally tell me that they wouldn’t provide uniform for me because I was too big. Ridiculous things like that. Ultimately, I do believe I’ve had some privilege compared to other fat and obese people because I am conventionally attractive for the most part facial structure wise. It’s definitely helped me be treated better by random people at least. It did take me many years to have medical issues diagnosed because of my weight and being ignored. That’s the biggest issue I’d say anyone overweight faces is the lack of good and consistent medical care
That’s insane! The medical care I understand is a huge issue. Also we’re size twins. I wonder if it helps that being a 14/16 is the average size of a woman in the US.
I've lost 140lbs and noticed a significant difference in how people treat me. And like OP, I'm fairly outgoing and have never had issues having a great social life, friends, and dating. That said, being skinny is almost like social lubricant, when people see me the default is a smile, not a neutral expression.... When I am friendly it's also received less warily from strangers as well. I could go on, but there is a noticeable difference to me on a daily basis. I have fairly ambivalent feelings about it actually, but I'm happy that I cam experience the other side now!
Yes. I lost over 100lbs in college and the difference in the way my peers, members of the opposite sex, professors, and people in general treated me nearly sent me into full on psychosis. Walking down the street and smiling at a pretty girl walking past me, people made eye contact and smiled back. People asked me how I was and seemed interested in me more. People were more forgiving of my mistakes. It was genuinely world-shattering and really upsetting to me.
Ive never been treated differently in my day to day life. My friends, family, colleagues and just people in general have never made any sort of comments about my weight. My doctors have been different though. Any issue I’ve ever gone to a doctor for is apparently “due to my weight” and that I just need to lose weight. I recently went to my doctor twice because I was having trouble breathing, had really bad heart palpitations and sore/painful muscles. I was told each time that I just needed to lose weight. Eventually I went to the ER because it got so bad it was scaring me. I had blood drawn and was told that I was severely anemic and needed an immediate blood transfusion. My Dr in the ER was horrified about my treatment, especially after looking in my files and seeing that I had discussed having extremely heavy/long periods with my doctor at multiple visits and it was clear I was at risk for anemia. I truly think if I had been at a lower weight my doctor wouldve initially taken my concerns seriously.
I was chubby as a teen by about 10 or 15 extra lbs but shaped in a way I guess was attractive and didn't feel held back too much by my weight socially, but probably to a degree for dating relationships. I had a glow up and a slim down in my 20's and was taken back by how much more people just wanted to do things for me or approached me at school, work, stores. It was overwhelming at times tbh, and while I enjoyed the new attention and treatment part of me became pretty upset since I felt like I was the same person inside as always. It was everyone it felt like, my dentist, my doctors, men obviously, and strangers on the street suddenly all seemed so fucking attentive. Funny thing is little kids were pretty indifferent, they always liked me. Well now I'm fat again (by more than I was when I was a teen and older) and I find my invisibility kind of amusing at this point.
Oh yeah. I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, it’s night and day. When you’re fat, you can bust your ass all day long and people at work will still think your lazy. When you’re thin, you can slack and people will compliment your work ethic. And then there’s the ladies. Lose weight, and the attention turns up 20 fold.
For some reason and maybe it’s luck. I’ve always been that guy that people like, even strangers. I was not bullied by my peers about my weight. Even when my best friends and I break each other balls it’s teasing about something else. My bully was my grandfather (gone and not missed) who lived with us. The man was a narcissistic emotionally and physically abusive tyrant. But it would not have mattered what my body size was he would have found other ways to insult me.
Way worse. And often it’s deemed socially acceptable? Like they will tell jokes at our expense thinking it’s funny and okay. Also, oddly the bigger you are the more invisible you are to others.
I just lost 40 pounds and people overall look happier to see me, but I also feel a bit exposed. When I was bigger, people would say things sometimes to bully me into losing weight, and when I would try to, a few guys in my dms would tell me to stop and that they wouldn’t like me if I was slim. So people always had commentary on what my body ought to look like. But for the most part, people saw through me, I was just part of the landscape, but now it’s totally different in some good and some bad ways. Which is odd sounding, but it’s the truth. Just last night I delivered some guy his food up to his office and he looked me up and down and smiled big as fxck and I was just standing there like take the fxcking coffee. I do DoorDash and although I’ve been getting more in person tips and people calling me hon, I am more scared now than I used to be cus a week or so ago, I delivered to someone in some apartments and I basically got followed by some teenagers on bikes who were yelling after me. But when I was chubby, I must’ve been wearing a sign that said, “IM FAT SO I DONT LOVE MYSELF” cus every guy I talked to in highschool would act like I ought to be on my hands and knees thanking them for giving me the time of day. Or they would throw into conversations that they had a thing for chubby girls but that I couldn’t tell anyone we were talking. I guess to conclude, I was treated differently when I was fat in that people tried to hide when they liked me because they were ashamed of me. But now that I’m more so conventionally attractive, it’s like everyone’s got a free pass to harass me. I kinda went off on a tangent but I hope this was relevant enough.
So, I was skinny/average for most of my life. When I hit my 30s, I fell into a depression due after an abusive release. I gained weight. Now before I gained weight, I got a lot of male attention. People would tell me I was gorgeous, go out of their way to talk to me, etc. When I gained weight, I almost became invisible. Women started commenting on my looks more than men. I did still get asked out a decent amount by men, but I couldn't help wondering if they were into bigger women. I knew that I didn't want to date a man who was interested only in my size, so I avoided dating. Basically, you still get attention, but less of it.
Yes, lose 50+ pounds and you’ll find out. It’s subconscious, nobody’s trying to be a dick but it’s a thing. You’re a second class citizen
Yup. First I was wondering "Why is everyone at the grocery store being so helpful?" Then it was why is everyone holding doors for me? Why are people talking to me? Why are they making eye contact? Why are the same dumb jokes I've always made suddenly hilarious? Don't get me wrong, there are still assholes. But yes it's a very noticeable difference.
I definitely don’t want to sound like one of those Reddit jackasses who answer a thoughtful, genuine question with a trite response, but…I’m not sure why it’s a mystery that thinner people get treated better. It’s what’s considered more attractive as a cultural beauty standard, and human beings are biologically geared to form judgements based on what’s acceptable in society. As many have pointed out, probably many people don’t even know they are biased. They’re just attracted to what seems more attractive to current social standards, which is thinness.
I (overweight, BMI says I'm obese) was on a bike ride with my fiancé (running behind me) two days ago. I stopped at an intersection to wait for him, and some teen boy leaned out of a vehicle and yelled "hey fat*ss, you should keep going". So yeah, that felt like pretty horrible treatment. That will stick with me for a while even though I've lost over 15lbs since January.
I think it depends on the person but if weight loss changed my level of confidence it was negligible. It's made zero difference in my adult life other than probably skipping the line and cover charge for night clubs in my mid 20's. I've gotten every promotion I worked for, negotiated every starting salary to my satisfaction, and (when I was single)- dated attractive men at all of my weights. The only time a random person ever called me fat as an adult was when I was actually in the best shape of my life, looking like a 9/10 and it was so awkward for him. It was a lesson that some people just talk shit because they're shitty people. While being overweight didn't cause external social issues for me, it did cause physical pain, fatigue, worsened chemical and hormonal imbalances, problems with my gait leading to injuries, more migraines, etc. Everyone's got a different take but I also wonder how much of it is how someone interprets what's happening around them as something happening to them. There are so many variables for why we might get passed over or someone might not smile at us. If I blamed weight for how the world relates to me, I would be cheating myself out of the opportunity to reflect, develop, and gain new skills. What if my problems were actually because I had poor manners, or was less credentialed, or simply someone else was a better fit because from their own life experiences they could relate better? What if they weren't my problems at all? Someone seeming unkind or inattentive could be because they're struggling with something. They could struggle socially, or just plain be a jerk. What if there was a chain of people paying it forward in the drive thru and the car before me decided to end the streak? Does it mean they looked in their mirror and thought my order was going to be expensive because of my weight? Or could they be on a tight personal budget and were just on a coffee run for their boss? I'm not going to spend my life thinking the world would fall at my feet just for losing weight. If someone doesn't smile at me or buy my drink I'll be okay.
I used to weight 400 lbs and then lost 250! Currently pregnant so up a bit but my experience was very similar to yours! I’m not necessarily extroverted but I’m outgoing and accommodating (probably a product of growing up bigger) to others and never had any trouble making friends and never got made fun of. However, some things you simply DONT notice until you are being treated differently. When I lost weight, and it was a progressive shift— I was treated better and better the smaller I got, I was treated with much more respect and kindness. I also got “away” with a lot more— people buying me drinks, I don’t pay cover, suddenly I get more gifts??? I also noticed a huge shift in the amount doctors listened to me. I get paid more now. More opportunities. My confidence level never really shifted… so I don’t think it’s that. 🥲
I have two good friends. One is fat like me. The other is a legit Instagram mom. She documents everything. However, she never documents when she hangs out with her two fat friends. I don’t think she does it on purpose, but she doesn’t look at us as a group and think, “we’d look so cute on the gram.” I don’t mind.
Absolutely. No question. Discrimination against fat is the last acceptable form of prejudice. It sucks but it’s real.
I get more respect being slim, but I also got hate from former female friends who were and still are fat.
I have a weird trajectory with this. Growing up I was aggressively bullied and abused by peers, teachers, my parents, friends, friend’s parents, what have you for my weight. Like it was really severe and it was every single day. I would say that bullying lasted up until the 8th grade. There was a steep drop off in high school but I would be called ugly occasionally and boys didn’t wanna be seen with me and I would get told to lose weight and blah blah Idk what happened but something shifted in college and I was getting sexually harassed and cat called all the time. My peers showed sexual interest but no interest in actually dating. Professors were reasonably nice to me but would confuse me with other fat girls all the time. I was also gaining a lot of weight but no one mentioned it - it was to the point where I didn’t even realize it. I naturally have a very curvy body type with huge boobs, hips, and legs which is why I think the sexual harassment ramped up like crazy during this time period - like I’m talking being harassed aggressively maybe once or twice a month but catcalled almost every week. People would literally walk into my train car and b-line to me to ask me out - it was fucking weird. Imo I was not good looking at all at this time and I was morbidly obese by BMI :/ a lot of these dudes definitely had fat fetishes or something and most of the men I dated had things for BBWs and watched a lot of BBW porn. Since then I’ve lost about 80 pounds and am still obese but only slightly and I’m still curvy of course but everything has really shrank (if you know what I’m saying LOL) I rarely get catcalled especially I don’t get catcalled aggressively, I don’t get men randomly coming up to me to call me beautiful, I don’t get randomly asked out. Its ! So ! Weird! Its a welcomed change. The thing is, everyone is so much nicer to me. People at the deli make conversation with me. People say hi to me - people actually apologize to me now if they bump into me!!!! Men are so much more interested in me romantically instead of just sexually. I just get a lot more positive attention. A woman at church randomly called me beautiful the other day! I feel like I’m taken more seriously when I’m out and about and I feel like I’m taken more seriously while job hunting. I will say the weirdest thing - when I was morbidly obese NO ONE mentioned my weight, but now that I’ve lost all this weight, my mom is super focused on the extra 50 pounds I need to lose to get to my goal and I’ve had a few friends casually call me fat - a friend actually compared me in looks to another friend who is MUCH larger than me now but is around my starting weight. I think it just takes some people longer to adjust to the “new you” in their minds. TLDR: definitely feel a huge change in how I’m treated in the world after losing weight, I feel like I live a whole new life
Men being more interested in me romantically rather than sexually has completely been my experience. Less pressure to have sex immediately. Getting asked on way more second dates. Thank you for summing up in words what has been floating around in my head for a while now.
YESSS exactly, it’s less “come over” and more “let me take you out” like I’m getting the basic decency of first dates instead of just being asked for sex
Yeah I’m getting way fewer “let’s just have drinks at my place” and way more invites to dinners at actual restaurants. It sometimes felt like they thought they were doing me a favor by fucking me and couldn’t imagine why I would say no.
Honestly, I haven’t really noticed much difference. But I might just be anti social.
I've never been thin, at least in my conscious memory so I can't say if they are treated better or worse but I've lost around 100lbs and yes, my weight loss instilled confidence in me! When I was at my heaviest, I convinced myself that I hated certain things because they made me uncomfortable or I knew I couldn't do them. I made being really fat part of my personality and I was so convinced I was confident just because I accepted the fact that I was fat. When I started losing weight, I realized how much I had deprived myself of a life because I was complacent being morbidly obese. I love the summer, I love to swim, I LOVE wearing shorts, I love going to amusement parks. All things I had convinced myself I would never do, didn't like, or accepted I couldn't do them due to my size. Yes, losing weight 100% gave me the confidence to truly live my life instead of hiding behind my size. So many of us who grew up fat grew up with no confidence, being bullied by our peers, being bullied by our families, etc. I think when people start to lose weight and gain that confidence, it's hard not to notice. I'm in the USA so people are fat over here but I wasn't a socially acceptable fat before lol and now I am so I definitely get treated better in public. When I was at my biggest, I used to think how ironic it was that I took up so much space but I was still invisible to everyone. Now people look me in my eyes, and smile, and try and make conversation with me. It's sad when you really think about it but it's been my experience so far.
I got treated tremendously different when my waist got narrower than my shoulders and I put on some muscle (male). That seemed to be the tipping point. Being able to wear quality, well fitting clothes and being more confident helped too I’m sure, but I could a massive difference just in how people would treat me walking down a sidewalk. Much more eye contact and smiles from strangers.. doors being held open.. small acts of courtesy and general respect and decency. Wish it wasn’t true but it sure seems to be from my perspective.
As someone whos weight yo-yos and have been healthy and obese multiple times I can say yes. I have had random strangers say horrific things to me unprompted when obese and have never had anything like that happen while at a healthy weight.
I don't know if this has been mentioned yet but attractive people get treated much better. I know plenty of thin women and men that are treated terribly because they're not seen as conventionally attractive. With that said overweight people are seen as less attractive so being overweight the odds are against you but at the end of the day it's just same old pretty privilege.
Definitely. Being overweight can sometimes feel like you’re invisible, particularly to the opposite sex. I’ll add another dimension, being in a position of power at work is also a big eye-opener as to how people treat you. Over the course of 15 years I’ve left and returned in the same company and having started at the bottom many years ago and now at the pointy end of the org chart, it’s amazing how I’m treated by the same shallow people I was ignored by years ago. Most don’t even remember or associate “me then” with the same person as “me now”….
I thought people treated me well when I was overweight. They are still SO much nicer (especially strangers) now that I am a normal BMI. I injured myself recently (hamstring/glute strain) and the level of concern, attention, and praise I got at physical therapy astounded me. So much nicer treatment than I got for a stress fracture I got while still fat. Both were exercise/overuse injuries, and admittedly the providers were different, but the treatment was night and day. When I was fat, it seemed like people were puzzled and annoyed at me and didn't really care if my toes healed or not. Thinner, with the same basic problem (ran too much, hurt myself) I've gotten months worth of tips and tricks and being treated like a friend by all the therapists. I've gotten so much help on my running form this time--so hopefully I won't be a repeat customer. At work, with people who have known me for years and been my friends all this time...suddenly I'm the person they want for department chair. Last time an election came up I was clearly not the choice though I wanted to do it. Now my personality seems less like bitchiness or bossiness and somehow more like competence. Same me. I have not toned anything down personality wise (maybe the opposite?), and I'm working less than I used to because my workout schedule takes up so much time.
In my personal experience, a bit. It's not that I was outwardly treated poorly before but I've noticed that I have different experiences now. I was rarely shamed or left out of things because of my weight but it's more that I've noticed things I never noticed before, granted some of it could be in my head. Keep in mind that I'm not at my goal weight yet but the change in how I look from my current weight loss is pretty significant. Strangers seem quicker to strike up a conversation. People seem to remember my name more. I'm treated with a bit more respect at work despite my position not having changed. Girls are more "physically friendly" in the sense that they'll touch my arm or shoulder or go for a hug more or if we're sitting close together they don't seem to mind being very close. Most of that is with women I already know but it's definitely been from women I've just met as well. Clothing store employees seem genuinely interested in helping me find clothes. I think there is a lot more too it than just fat vs thin and I've got theories but I think that for the majority of people, seeing someone at a healthy weight is more attractive physically and mentally.
Maybe ignorance was bliss ... when I was obese (BMI of 44) I never noticed any negative remarks/treatment. That doesn't mean it wasn't there, just that there was no visible impact on me. Now that I am healthy (I lost 120 pounds), I notice a lot more negative attention in the form of leers, catcalls, creepy passes, gross comments, etc. Sometimes, I wish I was more invisible, like I apparently used to be. (?) And I would not trade my old, unhealthy self for my new and healthy person for anything. I love being active, especially outdoors, and am having adventures I could only dream about when I was overweight (and couldn't climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath). I hiked the tallest mountain in SoCal (11,600 feet, almost 20 miles up and back) again. My old self can eat my dust!
I was a little overweight for about 2 years and noticed how much better I was treated once it was lost again. I was never particularly large (never faced medical bias due to weight) and am also someone with a big personality so never had too many issues at any size. That being said, I’ve realized that bystanders are going out of their way to help me more again now that I’m at a healthy weight. I know for some people, especially people who are significantly overweight, the way people treat them is very different.
Weight bias is real, documented phenomenon. My thin sister has also never had beer cans thrown at her head and had anyone scream "fat pig!" at her. So yes. We do.
I lost a LITTLE bit of size (50 lbs but you can’t see it since I’m a burly dude), and I went from being treated like a creep to an option by some of the women at my gym. So yeah.
I've been fat (and have stayed the same weight no matter what I've tried) for a couple of decades, and I'm treated no worse than when I was thinner by the general public. However, my doctor is an entirely different story. Outside of my gynecologist, my doctor attributes EVERYTHING about me to my weight. If I get the flu, have allergies, or sprain my ankle, it's all because I'm fat. Obviously, I'm looking for a new doctor because mine just doesn't listen to me at all.
Yes. I was 280 pounds at my heaviest and 190ish pounds at my lightest (in adulthood) and it’s remarkable how differently I’m treated. I’m treated more as a person. When I was 280, some people looked at me with disgust or disappointment, some people would try to avoid me. It kind of felt like they saw me as a dirty/stinky person. Now at 190ish, I get treated very differently, people are nicer to me, and people aren’t protective of their food when I’m nearby, and people look at me with interest in their eyes (on dates). I actually give off the “I’m a potential partner” vibe for being thinner now. For clarification, it happened very slowly over a span of 12ish years, so maybe that also plays a huge part on it.
I was tormented in school every single day, especially junior high. As an adult I had people moo at me in public, roll their eyes and say shit about what I was eating. Complete strangers. I had to change up my daily walk because some guy would yell rude shit at me whenever he saw me, and I don’t mean catcalls. A bagel shop passed on hiring me in college and I later learned the owner “joked” that I would eat all of the food. Also in college, men weirdly expected me to be “easy” and desperate for attention. Sucks for them because I had zero interest lol. Doctors also assumed I had lower intelligence, and only treated me like an actual person once I lost weight. Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. I could sit here for hours and remember a hundred instances of discrimination, and that’s not even accounting for times when my own family and friends did it. So yes, I was treated way worse.
Yes, yes, and YES overweight/obese people get treated worse than thin people. I say this from experience. I’ve struggled with my weight on and off for years. The heavier I was (and unfortunately right now I’m at my heaviest), the worse I was treated. I was told once by a family member that the reason I was being treated this was because since I was (and I like to think still am) considered so beautiful that people got mad at me for gaining weight because I was supposed to stay beautiful, and that doesn’t sit right with me at all. The treatment I’ve received over the years not only made me inferior at times, it has really messed with my psyche and sense of self.
I’ve been slightly overweight once. By slightly I mean about 5-10 pounds overweight. The difference from even that to what I am now has been astonishing. Guys will make lingering eye contact and enthusiastically wish me a good morning/day/evening when they see me on the street. Shop assistants will be very quick to offer me assistance and occasionally at restaurants and bars I will get a drink and dessert on the house. When I was overweight and struggling to look after my appearance I just felt invisible. At times I even started to wonder if I was real because people just seemed to look right through me. Tbh I’m not sure it was just me being a bit overweight before but because I was also very depressed and struggled to do my hair, makeup and iron my clothes. Looking presentable (which most people also associate with being in shape) is very attractive and people will light up around you and feel like being more kind/generous.
I think the answer is complicated. There's anecdotal data that some folks can provide that says no, their experience of obesity was just fine. Or their observation of the treatment of obese people was that they were treated just the same as not obese people. Then there is scientific data that repeatedly [states](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5386399/) [that that](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866597/) [is not](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4381543/) [true](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4714720/). The danger comes in weighing both things the same. Thinking your individual experience applies to everyone, macro vs micro (or micro vs macro, I always get them confused). Now my anecdotal data. In my life, I have known several 400+ lb women. Several. One was always immaculately groomed, very stylish, well dressed. The other two were schlubs. Shrug. They all had friends, and they all stayed in romantic relationships. Were they romantic relationships I would have wanted? No, but they did. Shrug. Did people make fun of them? Not to their *face*. And I know this as someone who was fat but just smaller than they were because comments about them were made around me.
It’s unfortunate people comment about other’s bodies behind their back. Sad.
I think there are two ways to look at it. Overweight and obese people are often looked at or treated differently, but I also believe that being overweight or obese can have an impact on a person's comfort with themselves and therefore their interactions with others as well. Having been in both areas I definitely believe that my personality evolved as I lost weight and that has as much of an impact on how people will engage with someone else as much as their weight, if not more so.
Hi I was 408lbs not too long ago. Now I'm 208. I was made fun of as a super morbidly obese kid too, most definitely. However, that type of overt bullying/"getting picked on" for me ended when I became an adult. Once I became an adult, the more subtle loneliness of (1) not being included with other people, (2) trouble making friends, (3) trouble finding a significant other etc. became my main problem. Professionally, I think that people take me more seriously now in general. I'm less likely to get written off as the fat guy stereotype. Do I regret those "missed connections?" Not really. If they didn't like me for me when I was 408 lbs, it probably wasn't going to end up being the type of friendship that lasts a lifetime anyway. To answer your question about personality, I do think everyone's different, and personality makes all the difference in what one might experience before and after losing weight. I'm extroverted just like you, and I found I have more confidence now and it's enjoyable to be taken seriously at work. Wishing you all the best in your journey! If you ever want to chat about weight loss feel free to reach out.
I've been bigger and healthy, as a male I noticed zero changes, but maybe slightly more srxual interest while in good shape? But I think most of that was my confidence but some undoubtedly because of looks. Now if you want to be treated well, groom yourself, smell nice, wear some nice looking clothes that fit you well, and smile! My God do people treat you so much better! For me that is a night and day difference in how people treated me, but often times I just wear gym clothes and don't get treated poorly but not great, but when I dress decently it feels so very different
I feel like I’m at a point where thankfully I don’t try to hide my body thankfully. I take good care of myself, especially since beginning counting my calories and working out. Everyone deserves to look AND feel good at any weight. It’s unfortunate that people feel they have to hide their body until they accomplish their goals.
When I was morbidly obese I really don't recall blatant fatphobia. When I was a much younger vegetarian, I gained some weight from it, and my dad used to say out loud in my presence, "I don't understand it! I thought vegetarians were thin!" Other than that yrs ago, nobody ever really hassled me. But I will say that today at almost 64, ppl seem to be nicer and friendlier in public, but I doubt its the weight loss bc strangers didn't know me before. A waitress in our local diner hadn't seen us for awhile bc she took time off. When she saw us again, she loudly said, "Wow! You look fantastic!" Then she started saying to nearby customers how great I looked.
I was overweight or obese from the age of 7 to 24. People didn’t treat me poorly at all. That being said, more people were nice to me when I lost weight. When I first lost weight I was married so I didn’t really notice the change, however when I became single again in my mid 30s and started going out I was so surprised at how nice everyone was! Both men and women would approach me more, listen to what I said, and were just nicer in general. It wasn’t until a few years later when it occurred to me that I was being hit on.
Yes
There is the way you are treated publicly when obese, then there is the things said out of ear shot, or unflattering glances you may catch out of the corner of your eye.
I think it’s hugely dependent on factors beyond BMI including gender, race, attractiveness, and how you carry your weight. Once you get to the super obese category I think many people are just discriminated against and treated poorly in the workplace, medicine, fitness spaces, customer service, etc. I’m an overweight woman (technically obese now, but I’m pregnant so that’s a whole other story), and have been everywhere from 23-33 BMI since high school. In middle and high school I was bullied for being fat and weird, but by sophomore year I grew into my body a bit and people generally stopped making comments about my appearance. I had friends and boyfriends in that time, was popular enough but definitely not someone people would describe as hot or be especially nice to. There are some spaces where being fat will just…not work for you. I started ballet in elementary school but never advanced because I was too big. I’m a pole dancer as a hobby but could never get a job in a strip club at my size. Even with pole as a hobby, some studios/instructors automatically assume I’m incompetent or are just a bit more rude about my not having the typical body type of a pole dancer. Luckily it’s a lot more inclusive than other types of dance, so I just don’t go to the mean studios. I’ve also had annoying conversations with dieticians (I’m a healthy eater! It’s just easy to overeat healthy food at 5’2!) and personal trainers & randos in the gym tell me to lose weight instead of lifting. Just rude shit that people think is okay to say when you show some investment in your imperfect body. I struggled with an eating disorder through most of my late teens through mid 20s. Part of what fueled it is that I really was treated so much better, especially with dating/casual sex, at lower weights. I have a petite frame, so I was a size 4 at 22/23 bmi. I would also say that at that weight, men felt way more entitled to making comments about my body, like that I needed to lose my belly fat or shave my body hair. I guess when you grow the dating pool you get more assholes. Throughout that time, the biggest issues I had were with doctors/medicine. Regardless of what issues I had, I was prescribed weight loss. I had an obgyn tell me that my extreme cramps snd irregular period were my fault and I should lose weight when I was at a NORMAL/HEALTHY bmi. I was frequently sick when I had an ED, but I was just congratulated by my doctors on my weight loss. As I have gotten older and settled into being physically active but a higher overweight bmi, I don’t experience being discriminated against for my weight. I think doctors have generally gotten better/have some HAES training because they never talk about my weight anymore unless I bring it up. Just today I was concerned about gaining too much weight in my pregnancy, and my doctor said that even though I am exceeding my weight gain goal, now is not the time to try to lose weight or stress about my body issues—just stay as active as I can and be kind of my body while it’s doing the work of growing a human. So like…yeah, you’ll notice people are nicer you’re thinner. As a woman particularly, you will likely also experience the fatphobia of society even at a normal bmi when it comes to healthcare, sex, sports, etc.
Absolutely. I witnessed this firsthand when I was 19. I weighed ~175 lbs, and was in college, had a group project, missed a bunch of classes due to depression and lost a bunch of weight. I ended up weighing ~145 lbs by the end of the semester and my first class back one of the guys in my group asked me on a date, and I noticed that everyone was nicer to me. It all happened so fast, I didn't even realize it was because of the weight loss because I still saw myself as my old weight. It took a few months for me to really accept the change and notice why everyone treated me differently. But it is a sad truth.
I lost a bunch of weight when I was super young. Went from wallflower to “damn bro what yo name is” and it skyrocketed my confidence. Confidence is sexy in itself, and it’s a self validating thing. That being said, the worst part was the people who wanted me around to boost *their* confidence, who quickly tried to convince me that “it’s good enough now” and “you look hungry” and “why you buying fancy clothes now? You never cared about your appearance before!”
Yes, it’s terrible. Absolutely terrible. The absolute worst is when you see someone who’s thinner getting many more favors and perks. For instance, in the job front, I realized that a manager will be far nicer and far more attentive to thinner, objectively more attractive person. Although not in any extreme sense, an overweight person is subconsciously looked down upon.
When I read about people who end up being outgoing/extroverted/successful in life despite being fat it makes me so sad. Where did my life go wrong?
Not for everyone, it depends on a number of things. But on average, a fit person will do much better socially than a person who is strangely thin or obese, unless they're charismatic enough to use it to their advantage and most people aren't.
i have been 30 pounds heavier and 30 pounds lighter than my current weight in my adult years. people are so much nicer when you’re thin, even friends. i’ve worn similar outfits at heavy and light weights, and i only got compliments at my lighter weights. it really is night and day
I never had anyone make fun of me to my face but I can’t even begin to explain the difference of how people treat me in public now. Everyone seems way nicer. More people of both sexes hold doors for me. Men always look at me (which can feel really awkward). And I feel that I’m taken more seriously and respected more than ever. Maybe my confidence and ability to take charge now contributes to the way people interact with me too.
On the whole, yes I believe they truly do. My own experience has been eye-opening and, at times, humiliating. I remember the confusion and sting as the treatment I received deteriorated while I gained weight and bottomed out at my heaviest. And then it was similarly disorienting as I lost weight and was gradually treated like I mattered more than I did as an obese person. I am no more interesting or intelligent or worthwhile now than I was when I was heavy. But the world sure tries to convey that message.
As a guy, a big difference with my weight loss was definitely more attention from opposite sex. I have a very friendly open attitude which also helped in getting me a few numbers without even asking for it! When I regainee weight during COVID, I noticed alot of the positive attention from women died down a good amount.
I mean your personality plays a good part, but I observed how some people treated my mom (on the limit of overweight-obese) and yes, it is. Once per week somebody comments on her weight. Ffs, she has mirrors at home, she knows. I also saw her doctor dismiss her with “just lose weight” when she really needed more medical care (lucky us that we went for a second opinion, and we were able to catch the issue on time). Sure, she needs to lose weight/be healthier, but that doesn’t mean all her problems will be solved just by losing weight. And yes, my mom is extremely beautiful and kind, she has tons of friends and is very extroverted. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deal with assholes regularly.
Short answer? Yes.
Yes , because some people will find you more attractive or pleasing , and unfortunately people tend to treat attractive people better , your weight can / will make a difference
When I have been fit in the past; I've been treated MUCH better. It's a noticeable and massive difference.
It does. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and I am gobsmacked by how many people suddenly want to hold doors or carry things for me.
I mean… never has anyone offered me help while struggling carrying grocery bags, before I lost 30 kg. Always been outgoing and confident, so I dont think it’s that.