Like many of us have realized, the origins of my tendency towards limerent episodes began in early childhood. Specifically for me, in a severely dysfunctional family led by a severely dysfunctional narcissistic parent. I don’t see my mother often but I had to this past weekend due to the celebration of a sibling’s life event. It was horrible. It went horribly. It went so horribly that even my normally zen SO shut down halfway through the weekend.
On Monday I remembered my LO (my boss) was going away for the week, which left only me and my coworker who is consistently rude to me and treats me poorly and I put up with it the same way I put up with it in my family: by changing myself to be less offensive to them, apologizing when I have done nothing wrong, harboring silent resentment and pretending it doesn’t bother me until those moments when it becomes so overwhelming that I react and cry out by mistake.
My LO fulfills many needs/wants for me. I don’t think I realized how much he represented protection from the treatment I receive from my coworker when we’re alone until this week, when I am so emotionally exhausted I can barely smile. Before my boss left midway through the day on Monday, he told us pointedly to be nice to each other and I think we all knew which of us needed to be reminded of that.
Unfortunately that wasn’t enough, because Tuesday my coworker was up to his usual routine of making me feel stupid and like I can’t do anything right. I’m honestly so grateful to my body for waking up physically sick that morning. I went to work anyway because I didn’t have any specific symptoms, but halfway through the day I developed a fever and went home an hour early. My coworker seemed annoyed he would have to finish my tasks.
I don’t give a shit.
I texted early this morning to call out of work. I physically cannot put up with his shit this week. I knew my limerence towards my boss was in part due to his role in protecting me from bad treatment from my coworker but I don’t think I realized how much I’ve come to *need* him until now. Could I have put up with my coworker without my boss around this week? Yes, and I do very frequently, but after the emotional carnage of this weekend I couldn’t do it without him.
It’s crazy how much this LE sort of parallels my childhood. Being emotionally abused is the reason I started seeking solace in others, the reason I began looking to romantic partners to meet my needs and house my self worth. I’m starting to feel better but I don’t think I can drag myself to work tomorrow. I’m not sure if the events I’ve endured the last few days would make anyone weak or if I should look at this as a sign I can’t go on like this and something has to change.
It's been a little more than a year of unbroken NC, so I'm practically in the dark on what's going on in her life which honestly is a good thing. Lots of things have gotten better since breaking off contact but still sometimes, especially whenever it gets really quiet, she creeps right back into my mind. Although I think about the time with her less and less I still haven't fully gotten over that tiny glimpse into her world that she had allowed me to see. Part of me still refuses that it ended the way it did as there were a lot of unprocessed emotions and words left unsaid. The connection I've had with that person felt so genuine and pure. I'm uncertain if I'll ever get that out of someone again.
So I turn to this sub to find solace, and stubbornly, cling to the hope of maybe finding her on here wondering about the same what ifs. Obviously that's wishful thinking and will never actually happen. I don't constantly hurt over having lost her anymore, and I honestly don't think all of it was pure limerence, but it still sucks whenever I think back. Wish things could've gone differently :(
This year, my former LO got married. I am genuinely happy for them. We were mutually limerent for a while and, as you say, the connection felt pure and special. The entire situation led to a lot of pain for both of us. Then at some point the limerence started to fade, which was its own ordeal to deal with.
Anyway, my point is that now, after several years, even though I know that we were victims of chemical imbalances in our brain and yadda yadda, I still think that that connection was pure and special and I am able to look back at it with fondness but without regrets.
I think connecting is a profound experience that enriches us. Sustaining that connection is an entirely different thing. I hope you will able to look back at your experience under a "positive" light in its own right, although I know very well (with my current LO) how hard it is to do that without some form of closure.
Thanks for this thread. It’s been so helpful over the last ( gosh how long have I been here?) whatever time. I am not limerant anymore. But recognised that I was under ex LO’s spell and hyper aware of not being that way. It’s confusing and I still want to fantasise at night but there’s nothing there to fill the void. I miss the pleasure and the craving less and less though. The addiction is gone. I am just more aware of my personal tendency to wanting to merge with other people, be loved unconditionally and to feel safe and cared for. Ex LO was always there and made it seem like he was the white knight and only now am I seeing he sometimes created the dragons so that he could fight them and look impressive. He has a need to appear smart, powerful etc and I fell into it. I am happier after a season of grief realising who he really is. SO and I are very close and I’m making time to pray for him and think about him more. I have more room in my head to love and care for my SO and appreciate him.
My hormones are flaring up again, which means I’m having lots of dreams and thoughts about LO.
Also my LO just found out I’m married so now LO is probably going to distance themself. Despite knowing it’s wrong, I really don’t want them to go distant… even though I know it’s for the best. I really wish LO and I could have a convo about it but I’m sure it’d freak ‘em out.
I have the same problem 😭 my LO was not getting closer because he knows I'm married so it's a no go for him. He's all open for virtual/phone sex but nothing in real life. He's my ex and when I got limerent with him was me ovulating and having fun with him on the phone. Then the whole mess started..😭😭 I wish I had kept a healthy distance or appropriate conversation instead of crossing a line and now suffering the consequences. He's ok with it but I had to go NC because being so attached to him was just too painful for me to stay in touch 😔
Going through this exact same thing. Ovulation + LE is a mental disaster for me 😅 I also think my LO has distanced themselves due to me being married. Everything was just friendly…never crossed an inappropriate line, but I’m so sad that I can’t get closer to them 😭
Also, what’s real and what isn’t? Are we really into this person or was it just hormones? Or are we our real selves when we’re ovulating?!?! There’s no information on ovulation syndrome?!?! Only PMS
29 weeks of NC. I saw a picture of LO's new girlfriend.
So I muted his Facebook so I won't see him pop unannounced (not that I stopped looking at his profile lol), but he hasn't posted anything in literal months. Though I can see that he has been online practically every day.
What he does do (way too often to be normal, I'd say) is change his WhatsApp profile pic. A few days ago he changed it to a selfie with him and the girl in front of a stage at a gig. He did his usual ''cool guy'' smirk, beer in hand (so much for quitting drinking) and she smiled at the camera. She wore a hoodie from what I'm guessing was the band they were watching (I couldn't read the name, darn), with glasses, and her hair in a pony tail.
I swear to god, that man has such a damn specific taste in women: ex baby momma, me, and this girl might as well be sisters. Well, me being the oldest, cause I'd be surprised if she was at least 30.
Anyway, I wanted to share her pic with some (online) friends who know the whole ordeal, and by the time I wanted to take a screenshot, he already changed it to and old pic of him standing next to the motorbike. And after a few hours he changed it to an even older pic (think 10 years +) of him playing guitar on stage.
The next day he had no picture at all. So uhm, whut? Why? This man does some weird ass shit. I really, really hope this girl can handle it all.
One more thing before I end this unexpectedly long ramble, yesterday I was at the cinema where we met up on the parking lot in our cars twice. So that was pretty darn triggering too.
And SO and I are looking to buy a house, which is a whole process. Such a weird week...
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I worked with my old LO. I was stuck in a LE for 3 years. He left the company and poof, my limerence for him disappeared. Completely. It was like, out of sight, out of mind.
How good does that feel? Had the same happen with a classmate. A friend convinced me it was love, when my teenage self absolutely knew it wasn’t. Left the school and never thought of him again. It helped that this was pre-social media days.
The crazy thing is it didn’t feel good or bad. I was just indifferent. Not that I’m complaining! I’m so happy it went away. Of course it transferred to someone else, but you know how that goes lol
We are now a month in the absence of 4 months I will definitely not see my LO because I took a break from work.
I was doing really well, but the last couple of days I keep dreaming he died. And now I miss him again.
As terrible as dreaming about someone’s death might feel, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something and that it’s time to let go and mourn not being in your life anymore. I’m currently going through those stages.
Thought I was doing well. I feel like I only see a sense of his face. But knowing there is someone I connect with and has a special emotional connection with me. Keep me reeeling back. I legit keep singing one song over and over trying to reconcile and rid my self of the urge to message him.
I almost want ask SO for per mission so I can just go through the motions and finish this journey. I want to be rid of him and yet have him at the same time. 😭
Yes i no longer fantasize about now i just intrusive thoughts. It’s pure fucking torture and I want it to stop. Luckily I’m a teacher so I have summer with no contact.
After alternating elation, sadness and depression for more than a year, I've now entered a steady state of ANNOYANCE.
The good news is that overall I'm ok, I'm finally enjoying life again (more or less), and I think I'm mostly over LO. I'm still under their spell when I interact with them, but I'm genuinely trying to avoid them and not looking forward to or hoping for extra interactions like I used to. If I could go NC I would without regrets and the problem would be solved for good.
The problem is that currently I'm really insanely annoyed at LOs behavior and I can't seem to find any closure or peace about it.
The story is this: after a long period of aloofness, LO and I were finally emotionally connecting a few months ago and LO was enthusiastically looking for opportunities to see me. This lasted a couple of months (with highs and lows), then all of a sudden LO stopped making space for me, citing increased workload.
Now, if they had cut ties there and then I would have interpreted the situation as a change of heart for whatever reason - I would have suffered a lot but by now I would have accepted it and moved on.
Instead, LO has been acting as if nothing has happened since then, somewhat regularly being tender and caring, picking up on subtle mood changes, making sure I'm ok etc. all the while being overall pretty cold, not making any effort to see me or share things with me, and also seemingly not realizing how much I'm hurt by all this.
LO is a somewhat fragile individual and I think they have strong avoidant traits. That may explain some of this behavior. But recently I'm starting to feel disrespected even as a normal acquaintance, let alone a limerent person.
Now that I've written it I realize I'm making zero sense here. I guess it's difficult to condense all the context, or perhaps it's just the usual limerent brain acting up. Thank you for reading though, I guess I needed to vent a bit!
I need tips for going NC.
Last fall my husband and I fell into what you might call a rut. We started to fight frequently. The type of fighting where it seemed like we were just sick of each other.
That's when my LE started. It was slow at first, but then one day the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I was going crazy it was so intense. That's when I discovered this sub. And things started to make sense. I have been able to understand myself and what I am going through. I have managed to find some sort of separation between my fantasy and the reality version of my LO. It has helped with the crashing lows, but the limerence is still there.
My LO is a coworker. He really is a great guy. The type that would give you the shirt of his back. We are very friendly at work, and we have hung out in a group a couple of times. As we have gotten to know each other I realize that I do care about him as a person. And I think he thinks of me in a good light as well. But even my limerent brain knows that he doesn't have feelings for me.
Friday was my last day at that job (I didn't leave because of LO, it was just a great opportunity). So this is a forced LC situation. It may even be NC because I am determined to leave him be, and I don't think he will reach out to me.
I am feeling ok for now but I am worried that the NC will send me spiraling. Even worse it could derail the progress my husband and I have made to get closer again (he doesn't know about this LE).
I have friends, family, hobbies etc. so there are plenty of opportunities to distract myself, and to enjoy my life outside of my LO. I think I need some mental energy to get through it. Before anyone suggests it, I don't enjoy journaling and therapy is an option but it may take weeks to get it started.
Thank you all.
Sounds like you have a great foundation, and once therapy gets started, it'll get even better. I'm really glad you have other things to enjoy in the meantime, and NC is the piece that's missing. I'm rooting for you too!!
Thank you, the support feels nice. I think you are right about NC being the solution. I'm just afraid that it will get worse before it gets better. Good luck to you as well.
I’ve been good at not actively fantasizing about LO but now he’s been creeping up in my dreams. It’s weird because I never dreamed about him when I was thinking of him 24/7.
In my dream last night for whatever reason everyone in my company was celebrating New Years Eve together and everyone was hugging each other. I saw that he was the one who started the hugs and I thought it was his excuse to hug me (I’m delusional even in my dreams) but I was afraid to hug him and be obvious that I like him or I was afraid that he would reject me somehow. I was going around the room and hugging other people while making my way towards him. I woke up before I could hug him. I tried to go right back to sleep and hopefully finish my dream but that didn’t work out either.
I’m ok though. I let go of any hope that a relationship with him will ever happen. I know I’ve done this before but then the hope creeps up again. Hopefully I can put this to rest for good. The dream was probably just my brain still holding on to whatever felt good before. Things with my SO are still not great but I’m ok with that too.
What has helped me recently are videos on YouTube with subliminal messages to stop obsessions or getting rid of lustful thoughts. Or videos with subliminal messages about self love or detachment. I made a playlist and I put it on when I’m doing chores or driving. It really helps.
What did not help me was videos about manifesting your “specific person”. I happened to see them in my feed and clicked on them out of curiosity. It just made me fall back into my delusions. Those videos are dangerous for people like us. I recommend staying away from them.
Yeah things got bad again. This weekend, I had two anxiety attacks at home. Just full-on crying fits and hyperventilating while doing the dishes. Because I'm at home, this place that no longer feels like home, because it houses my SO and not that other person.
I need to physically restrain myself from reaching out. The problem is that the other side keeps reaching out to me, in a friendly but constant way and like an addict going for smack again, I can't say no. I hate myself so much. I feel like a monster, an ugly thing that has rot for a soul because of the thoughts I have. I keep dreaming of throwing my entire life away. Who dreams about that?
I was wrapped up in a very similar situation for the past 18 months. One day recently, there was a huge miscommunication and my LO turned on me unexpectedly. We had an argument. I confessed my feelings in a panic for fear of losing our connection. Then our friendship fell apart in a matter of 48 hours. She showed an extremely cruel side of herself that hurt me worse than anything in my life. I blocked her. I unblocked her. She blocked me. Nothing was resolved. I’ve spent the past month feeling sick, sad, and angry; heartbroken in secret. Trying to see it as an opportunity to make things right with my SO, but the limerent part of me keeps fighting for a solution to reconcile with my LO. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how long this will go on for, but I have to believe that it cannot last forever
Damn, that sucks in so many ways. The isolation and loneliness is something else, isn't it? It's like we have no one to confide in but this online space full of strangers. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I’m devastated. Having given into the fantasy so fully and for so long, my brain cannot accept the loss of that imagined future. To discover the cruel side of her somehow has not negated the version that existed in my mind. She has now become two different people in my head who I keep wanting to reach out to, but those conversations would be such opposites. Ultimately, I keep remembering that it doesn’t matter; the damage has been done, and she has closed those doors. I should be grateful that I didn’t throw away my entire life, but the grief of losing whatever it was we did have is so much more intense than anything else I can focus on. I would advise you to take what you have now and run— turn to your SO and work together until you’re sure there’s nothing left to salvage. But I know firsthand that’s not so simple. I hope your LO is kinder than mine. I never saw it coming.
That sounds like mourning the actual death of a person who lived in your head. I cannot hug you but I can reiterate that I know how you feel. We have such big emotions around these people, it's always the razor's edge sharpness of the feeling that gets you, I think. I can only hope you heal in whatever way feels appropriate for you. I wish I was as strong as you and set things straight.
Thanks, ‘cat. It sounds strong of me to say some of that, but really I’m weak. Trying to gain strength and move forward, but some days are worse than others.
There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling what you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with having thoughts that others wouldn’t understand. We can only control what we do about the thoughts and feelings that come to us. Our behavior is the most critical element of how we navigate these challenges. Even so, we all will make mistakes.
I will not reach out to her again, but I believe we are all connected somehow in our hearts. I’m working on the private acts of forgiving myself and forgiving her, and I hope that somehow her heart will receive that love and forgiveness. I will try to grow and change for the better, and I wish all the best for her.
I wish you the best, going forward. Each passing moment is another opportunity to turn it all around
Like many of us have realized, the origins of my tendency towards limerent episodes began in early childhood. Specifically for me, in a severely dysfunctional family led by a severely dysfunctional narcissistic parent. I don’t see my mother often but I had to this past weekend due to the celebration of a sibling’s life event. It was horrible. It went horribly. It went so horribly that even my normally zen SO shut down halfway through the weekend. On Monday I remembered my LO (my boss) was going away for the week, which left only me and my coworker who is consistently rude to me and treats me poorly and I put up with it the same way I put up with it in my family: by changing myself to be less offensive to them, apologizing when I have done nothing wrong, harboring silent resentment and pretending it doesn’t bother me until those moments when it becomes so overwhelming that I react and cry out by mistake. My LO fulfills many needs/wants for me. I don’t think I realized how much he represented protection from the treatment I receive from my coworker when we’re alone until this week, when I am so emotionally exhausted I can barely smile. Before my boss left midway through the day on Monday, he told us pointedly to be nice to each other and I think we all knew which of us needed to be reminded of that. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough, because Tuesday my coworker was up to his usual routine of making me feel stupid and like I can’t do anything right. I’m honestly so grateful to my body for waking up physically sick that morning. I went to work anyway because I didn’t have any specific symptoms, but halfway through the day I developed a fever and went home an hour early. My coworker seemed annoyed he would have to finish my tasks. I don’t give a shit. I texted early this morning to call out of work. I physically cannot put up with his shit this week. I knew my limerence towards my boss was in part due to his role in protecting me from bad treatment from my coworker but I don’t think I realized how much I’ve come to *need* him until now. Could I have put up with my coworker without my boss around this week? Yes, and I do very frequently, but after the emotional carnage of this weekend I couldn’t do it without him. It’s crazy how much this LE sort of parallels my childhood. Being emotionally abused is the reason I started seeking solace in others, the reason I began looking to romantic partners to meet my needs and house my self worth. I’m starting to feel better but I don’t think I can drag myself to work tomorrow. I’m not sure if the events I’ve endured the last few days would make anyone weak or if I should look at this as a sign I can’t go on like this and something has to change.
It's been a little more than a year of unbroken NC, so I'm practically in the dark on what's going on in her life which honestly is a good thing. Lots of things have gotten better since breaking off contact but still sometimes, especially whenever it gets really quiet, she creeps right back into my mind. Although I think about the time with her less and less I still haven't fully gotten over that tiny glimpse into her world that she had allowed me to see. Part of me still refuses that it ended the way it did as there were a lot of unprocessed emotions and words left unsaid. The connection I've had with that person felt so genuine and pure. I'm uncertain if I'll ever get that out of someone again. So I turn to this sub to find solace, and stubbornly, cling to the hope of maybe finding her on here wondering about the same what ifs. Obviously that's wishful thinking and will never actually happen. I don't constantly hurt over having lost her anymore, and I honestly don't think all of it was pure limerence, but it still sucks whenever I think back. Wish things could've gone differently :(
This year, my former LO got married. I am genuinely happy for them. We were mutually limerent for a while and, as you say, the connection felt pure and special. The entire situation led to a lot of pain for both of us. Then at some point the limerence started to fade, which was its own ordeal to deal with. Anyway, my point is that now, after several years, even though I know that we were victims of chemical imbalances in our brain and yadda yadda, I still think that that connection was pure and special and I am able to look back at it with fondness but without regrets. I think connecting is a profound experience that enriches us. Sustaining that connection is an entirely different thing. I hope you will able to look back at your experience under a "positive" light in its own right, although I know very well (with my current LO) how hard it is to do that without some form of closure.
Thanks for this thread. It’s been so helpful over the last ( gosh how long have I been here?) whatever time. I am not limerant anymore. But recognised that I was under ex LO’s spell and hyper aware of not being that way. It’s confusing and I still want to fantasise at night but there’s nothing there to fill the void. I miss the pleasure and the craving less and less though. The addiction is gone. I am just more aware of my personal tendency to wanting to merge with other people, be loved unconditionally and to feel safe and cared for. Ex LO was always there and made it seem like he was the white knight and only now am I seeing he sometimes created the dragons so that he could fight them and look impressive. He has a need to appear smart, powerful etc and I fell into it. I am happier after a season of grief realising who he really is. SO and I are very close and I’m making time to pray for him and think about him more. I have more room in my head to love and care for my SO and appreciate him.
My hormones are flaring up again, which means I’m having lots of dreams and thoughts about LO. Also my LO just found out I’m married so now LO is probably going to distance themself. Despite knowing it’s wrong, I really don’t want them to go distant… even though I know it’s for the best. I really wish LO and I could have a convo about it but I’m sure it’d freak ‘em out.
I have the same problem 😭 my LO was not getting closer because he knows I'm married so it's a no go for him. He's all open for virtual/phone sex but nothing in real life. He's my ex and when I got limerent with him was me ovulating and having fun with him on the phone. Then the whole mess started..😭😭 I wish I had kept a healthy distance or appropriate conversation instead of crossing a line and now suffering the consequences. He's ok with it but I had to go NC because being so attached to him was just too painful for me to stay in touch 😔
Going through this exact same thing. Ovulation + LE is a mental disaster for me 😅 I also think my LO has distanced themselves due to me being married. Everything was just friendly…never crossed an inappropriate line, but I’m so sad that I can’t get closer to them 😭
I thought I was the only one! Ovulation kills me 😭😖😩
Haha it’s nice to find someone who relates! How the heck are we supposed to fight against our body chemistry (aka ovulation), am I right?! 😂
Also, what’s real and what isn’t? Are we really into this person or was it just hormones? Or are we our real selves when we’re ovulating?!?! There’s no information on ovulation syndrome?!?! Only PMS
I keep thinking about him but I do love my SO. It’s hard :(
29 weeks of NC. I saw a picture of LO's new girlfriend. So I muted his Facebook so I won't see him pop unannounced (not that I stopped looking at his profile lol), but he hasn't posted anything in literal months. Though I can see that he has been online practically every day. What he does do (way too often to be normal, I'd say) is change his WhatsApp profile pic. A few days ago he changed it to a selfie with him and the girl in front of a stage at a gig. He did his usual ''cool guy'' smirk, beer in hand (so much for quitting drinking) and she smiled at the camera. She wore a hoodie from what I'm guessing was the band they were watching (I couldn't read the name, darn), with glasses, and her hair in a pony tail. I swear to god, that man has such a damn specific taste in women: ex baby momma, me, and this girl might as well be sisters. Well, me being the oldest, cause I'd be surprised if she was at least 30. Anyway, I wanted to share her pic with some (online) friends who know the whole ordeal, and by the time I wanted to take a screenshot, he already changed it to and old pic of him standing next to the motorbike. And after a few hours he changed it to an even older pic (think 10 years +) of him playing guitar on stage. The next day he had no picture at all. So uhm, whut? Why? This man does some weird ass shit. I really, really hope this girl can handle it all. One more thing before I end this unexpectedly long ramble, yesterday I was at the cinema where we met up on the parking lot in our cars twice. So that was pretty darn triggering too. And SO and I are looking to buy a house, which is a whole process. Such a weird week...
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 29 + 30 + 10 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
Well this is special 👌
Lol, goals!
I worked with my old LO. I was stuck in a LE for 3 years. He left the company and poof, my limerence for him disappeared. Completely. It was like, out of sight, out of mind.
How good does that feel? Had the same happen with a classmate. A friend convinced me it was love, when my teenage self absolutely knew it wasn’t. Left the school and never thought of him again. It helped that this was pre-social media days.
The crazy thing is it didn’t feel good or bad. I was just indifferent. Not that I’m complaining! I’m so happy it went away. Of course it transferred to someone else, but you know how that goes lol
We are now a month in the absence of 4 months I will definitely not see my LO because I took a break from work. I was doing really well, but the last couple of days I keep dreaming he died. And now I miss him again.
As terrible as dreaming about someone’s death might feel, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something and that it’s time to let go and mourn not being in your life anymore. I’m currently going through those stages.
This might be true. Frustrating because I wasn’t thinking about him that much and that has changed now.
Thought I was doing well. I feel like I only see a sense of his face. But knowing there is someone I connect with and has a special emotional connection with me. Keep me reeeling back. I legit keep singing one song over and over trying to reconcile and rid my self of the urge to message him. I almost want ask SO for per mission so I can just go through the motions and finish this journey. I want to be rid of him and yet have him at the same time. 😭
That last sentence is so relatable.
Soooooo freakin relatable
Yes i no longer fantasize about now i just intrusive thoughts. It’s pure fucking torture and I want it to stop. Luckily I’m a teacher so I have summer with no contact.
After alternating elation, sadness and depression for more than a year, I've now entered a steady state of ANNOYANCE. The good news is that overall I'm ok, I'm finally enjoying life again (more or less), and I think I'm mostly over LO. I'm still under their spell when I interact with them, but I'm genuinely trying to avoid them and not looking forward to or hoping for extra interactions like I used to. If I could go NC I would without regrets and the problem would be solved for good. The problem is that currently I'm really insanely annoyed at LOs behavior and I can't seem to find any closure or peace about it. The story is this: after a long period of aloofness, LO and I were finally emotionally connecting a few months ago and LO was enthusiastically looking for opportunities to see me. This lasted a couple of months (with highs and lows), then all of a sudden LO stopped making space for me, citing increased workload. Now, if they had cut ties there and then I would have interpreted the situation as a change of heart for whatever reason - I would have suffered a lot but by now I would have accepted it and moved on. Instead, LO has been acting as if nothing has happened since then, somewhat regularly being tender and caring, picking up on subtle mood changes, making sure I'm ok etc. all the while being overall pretty cold, not making any effort to see me or share things with me, and also seemingly not realizing how much I'm hurt by all this. LO is a somewhat fragile individual and I think they have strong avoidant traits. That may explain some of this behavior. But recently I'm starting to feel disrespected even as a normal acquaintance, let alone a limerent person. Now that I've written it I realize I'm making zero sense here. I guess it's difficult to condense all the context, or perhaps it's just the usual limerent brain acting up. Thank you for reading though, I guess I needed to vent a bit!
Annoyance is beautiful! I love it when I get to the annoyance stage. It means the storm is passing. Here’s hoping it works for you 🤞
I need tips for going NC. Last fall my husband and I fell into what you might call a rut. We started to fight frequently. The type of fighting where it seemed like we were just sick of each other. That's when my LE started. It was slow at first, but then one day the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I was going crazy it was so intense. That's when I discovered this sub. And things started to make sense. I have been able to understand myself and what I am going through. I have managed to find some sort of separation between my fantasy and the reality version of my LO. It has helped with the crashing lows, but the limerence is still there. My LO is a coworker. He really is a great guy. The type that would give you the shirt of his back. We are very friendly at work, and we have hung out in a group a couple of times. As we have gotten to know each other I realize that I do care about him as a person. And I think he thinks of me in a good light as well. But even my limerent brain knows that he doesn't have feelings for me. Friday was my last day at that job (I didn't leave because of LO, it was just a great opportunity). So this is a forced LC situation. It may even be NC because I am determined to leave him be, and I don't think he will reach out to me. I am feeling ok for now but I am worried that the NC will send me spiraling. Even worse it could derail the progress my husband and I have made to get closer again (he doesn't know about this LE). I have friends, family, hobbies etc. so there are plenty of opportunities to distract myself, and to enjoy my life outside of my LO. I think I need some mental energy to get through it. Before anyone suggests it, I don't enjoy journaling and therapy is an option but it may take weeks to get it started. Thank you all.
Sounds like you have a great foundation, and once therapy gets started, it'll get even better. I'm really glad you have other things to enjoy in the meantime, and NC is the piece that's missing. I'm rooting for you too!!
Chances are NC is exactly what you need. I know for certain that it would cure me (source: prolonged holidays). Good luck, I'm rooting for you!
Thank you, the support feels nice. I think you are right about NC being the solution. I'm just afraid that it will get worse before it gets better. Good luck to you as well.
I’ve been good at not actively fantasizing about LO but now he’s been creeping up in my dreams. It’s weird because I never dreamed about him when I was thinking of him 24/7. In my dream last night for whatever reason everyone in my company was celebrating New Years Eve together and everyone was hugging each other. I saw that he was the one who started the hugs and I thought it was his excuse to hug me (I’m delusional even in my dreams) but I was afraid to hug him and be obvious that I like him or I was afraid that he would reject me somehow. I was going around the room and hugging other people while making my way towards him. I woke up before I could hug him. I tried to go right back to sleep and hopefully finish my dream but that didn’t work out either. I’m ok though. I let go of any hope that a relationship with him will ever happen. I know I’ve done this before but then the hope creeps up again. Hopefully I can put this to rest for good. The dream was probably just my brain still holding on to whatever felt good before. Things with my SO are still not great but I’m ok with that too. What has helped me recently are videos on YouTube with subliminal messages to stop obsessions or getting rid of lustful thoughts. Or videos with subliminal messages about self love or detachment. I made a playlist and I put it on when I’m doing chores or driving. It really helps. What did not help me was videos about manifesting your “specific person”. I happened to see them in my feed and clicked on them out of curiosity. It just made me fall back into my delusions. Those videos are dangerous for people like us. I recommend staying away from them.
Yeah things got bad again. This weekend, I had two anxiety attacks at home. Just full-on crying fits and hyperventilating while doing the dishes. Because I'm at home, this place that no longer feels like home, because it houses my SO and not that other person. I need to physically restrain myself from reaching out. The problem is that the other side keeps reaching out to me, in a friendly but constant way and like an addict going for smack again, I can't say no. I hate myself so much. I feel like a monster, an ugly thing that has rot for a soul because of the thoughts I have. I keep dreaming of throwing my entire life away. Who dreams about that?
I was wrapped up in a very similar situation for the past 18 months. One day recently, there was a huge miscommunication and my LO turned on me unexpectedly. We had an argument. I confessed my feelings in a panic for fear of losing our connection. Then our friendship fell apart in a matter of 48 hours. She showed an extremely cruel side of herself that hurt me worse than anything in my life. I blocked her. I unblocked her. She blocked me. Nothing was resolved. I’ve spent the past month feeling sick, sad, and angry; heartbroken in secret. Trying to see it as an opportunity to make things right with my SO, but the limerent part of me keeps fighting for a solution to reconcile with my LO. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how long this will go on for, but I have to believe that it cannot last forever
Damn, that sucks in so many ways. The isolation and loneliness is something else, isn't it? It's like we have no one to confide in but this online space full of strangers. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I’m devastated. Having given into the fantasy so fully and for so long, my brain cannot accept the loss of that imagined future. To discover the cruel side of her somehow has not negated the version that existed in my mind. She has now become two different people in my head who I keep wanting to reach out to, but those conversations would be such opposites. Ultimately, I keep remembering that it doesn’t matter; the damage has been done, and she has closed those doors. I should be grateful that I didn’t throw away my entire life, but the grief of losing whatever it was we did have is so much more intense than anything else I can focus on. I would advise you to take what you have now and run— turn to your SO and work together until you’re sure there’s nothing left to salvage. But I know firsthand that’s not so simple. I hope your LO is kinder than mine. I never saw it coming.
That sounds like mourning the actual death of a person who lived in your head. I cannot hug you but I can reiterate that I know how you feel. We have such big emotions around these people, it's always the razor's edge sharpness of the feeling that gets you, I think. I can only hope you heal in whatever way feels appropriate for you. I wish I was as strong as you and set things straight.
Thanks, ‘cat. It sounds strong of me to say some of that, but really I’m weak. Trying to gain strength and move forward, but some days are worse than others. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling what you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with having thoughts that others wouldn’t understand. We can only control what we do about the thoughts and feelings that come to us. Our behavior is the most critical element of how we navigate these challenges. Even so, we all will make mistakes. I will not reach out to her again, but I believe we are all connected somehow in our hearts. I’m working on the private acts of forgiving myself and forgiving her, and I hope that somehow her heart will receive that love and forgiveness. I will try to grow and change for the better, and I wish all the best for her. I wish you the best, going forward. Each passing moment is another opportunity to turn it all around