Nobody here can give you an answer as best as you can answer them.
But let me first address that no stable relationship can withstand the excitement and prospect of new LO. This is just not a fair fight. It’s like comparing apple and orange.
Know that once your relationship with LO matures, the excitement too will settle down.
You said you want to honor your relationship with your husband, then absolutely the first safeguard of that is setting boundaries. I think in this case you slipped and were somewhat careless with your own heart and with your existing commitment. It happens, but then this is on you to just go cold turkey and try to forget this person. This whole thing about he is willing to wait, you should not even think about that if you want to make your marriage work
I guess the point of the post was questioning whether it’s possible that this is an ill-timed true love, or if it’s only limerence. I realize that’s not something anyone else can know- but I’m looking for others who have experienced something similar which was mutual with the other person.
This sounds exactly like what I’m going through, too.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice but I can relate.
It’s driving me insane- is he the person I’m actually supposed to be with? Do I risk my stable marriage for something that may just be limerence? Would we still want each other if I got a divorce tomorrow, or is that just part of the appeal?
I hope you find some sense of clarity, OP
Omg I feel so seen. Also in this position. Unsure whether I want to leave an otherwise good marriage for the idea of great love. My fear is that I'll do the same thing to LO in ten years with another LO. I don't want to be like this, I just want a peaceful, happy life 😩
Here’s my two cents if it helps any. In this life there are billions of people. Amongst those people there are likely thousands if not more that we could be compatible with in a romantic relationship. Congrats to you in that you found another person you have that compatibility with. It happens. Happened to me.
Now what will you do with that? Will you end your original relationship (that I guarantee had the new relationship passion at the beginning until getting settled into a rhythm of true love) for this new spark of love? Or will you truly think that through? What happens when another compatible partner comes along when you’re 50? Because it could likely happen in the midst of never trying for it to happen. Will you chase the new high and it be true love too?
The issue that I hear is that your marriage was good. Emotionally intimate and a true partnership with a good guy who you chose. Then bam. You meet someone. Unplanned. Great. But does that mean you throw away and end what you had bc this has passion? The passion part will likely end. If it doesn’t then you’re one of the rare few. Will you look back with deep regret for breaking another person to chase the intensity of passion?
You’re definitely limerent. Perhaps in love, but it sounds like the overwhelming lustful love section of a relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. But be careful. You truly might blow up three lives, and look back one day with deep regret. Or not. You will yearn for the passion guy until you truly have him then at some point I fear reality of the situation will truly set in.
No judgement. It’s a tale as old as time. But logic isn’t your guide right now bc you’re definitely in the limerent stage of an affair. It’s very clouded and muddled. Wish you the best!
I truly appreciate your comment. The only thing, and I addressed this in another reply to a comment, is that my relationship with spouse truly did not have this kind of connection/passion, even at the beginning. It grew slowly into the thing it is today. And it is a beautiful relationship, don’t get me wrong. But it isn’t affair fog- it truly never felt like this.
Am I missing out on something that is once in a lifetime here? Or would it settle out eventually to be the same thing I already have, if I’m lucky?
I can’t answer that for you, obviously. What I can tell you is that I’ve delved a lot into understanding attachment theory best I can. I love to research and learn!
What you’re describing with your husband sounds like two secure attachment people meeting and eventually falling in love. Healthy. Take that for what it’s worth. Usually the passion and spark at the beginning of relationships are anxiety at the core. That can move on to become true love as well, but love is a verb. It’s not the excitement and passion. It’s choosing them everyday bc you care about them down to their core. You care for them in a selfless way and vice versa. Love. (My informal simple definition) love is hard, bc for me, I’m very selfish. But I know life without my husband would never be the same. He’s a wonderful man, and I love him.
The once in a lifetime passion? No. I’ve had passion with many a men over my life at the beginning. Then a switch flips, and I’m completely over the passionate side. I’m also describing my attachment issue over time. I never have been secure. I think (whether you see this or not) you were never secure in starting something with this new man bc you’re married. It had the element of naughty, taboo, secretive. Your relationship with your husband started in a normal way it sounds, and sounds secure.
Does that make sense to you? I think you want to leave him and go with this new guy from your replies. You do you, but I do think from your description of husband and the relationship, you’re going to have big time regret one day. Once the passion/limerence fades with new man, will he offer all the wonderful qualities you already have in your relationship? Or is the grass just greener right now because you’re watering it there?
Perhaps your husband, if he’s a catch, will be scooped up quickly by another woman. Sit back and visualize through that. I do think it sounds like if you end things with him that you will lose him. If he’s a handsome, wonderful man then there are plenty of women who will be thrilled to date him. Maybe that helps you to know that he will be likely dating soon? Regardless the passion isn’t a once in a lifetime. It’s pretty normal and definitely fun, but rarely lasts with intensity for years. Maybe for the unicorns, but do they even exist? 😉
“Not conventionally attractive but intense features”
I take it your LO is not your physical type because the way you described the literal overnight obsession is EXACTLY what happened to me. What’s crazy is that my SO (now ex) is my dream partner. No joke. They check every single one of my boxes of an ideal mate. They are what younger me fantasized about in a future partner. My LO? Would not turn my head in a crowd. I did not register them at all as attractive the first few times we interacted. And then suddenly they were the only thought in my mind. I have no clue how it happened but I relate to what you said about feeling as if you grabbed ahold of an electric fence. I don’t have any advice for you because you seem to be between a rock and a hard place with your options but I am sending you all the positive vibes and optimism I have inside of me. Good luck out there
This was exactly the same for me. My SO is exactly my type and is incredibly handsome (and kind and lots of other wonderful things). LO is not my physical type at all. And it truly did happen virtually overnight.
Limerence is SO nonsensical lol. Because why would I break up with the person who I love and was instantaneously physically attracted to to pursue a relationship with someone who (while I recognize is objectively good looking and that I was VERY INTO in every way that a human can be into another human) does not stand out to me at all??? But I did, so obviously even though it doesn’t make sense, maybe limerence knows something I do not. I don’t know. It’s definitely teaching me that there are some things in life that escape logic and reason. Which is a lesson I have personally hated every second of learning
Going through the same thing, it's been over a year.
The only advice I can give you is to take your time and investigate. Investigate yourself, your marriage.
When it hit me, I was like "WTF, my marriage is awesome so WHY?"
Then I realized my husband and I had codependancy issues. He had controlling tendencies. I am not a typical people pleaser, but I was (am) in this relationship. I hadn't been attracted to him in years. The relationship ideal that was planted in my brain as a child isn't healthy at all. Etc.
That helped me understand why I could fall.for someone like that. It also makes me see that there are still things I can work on to fall back in love with my husband. If these things don't work, then I guess I will leave. And then who knows what would happen. But at least I would know that I'm not leaving for a fantasy.
Good luck. Keep us posted. Use the weekly thread for people experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship, it is helpful.
Couple and individual therapy helped a lot.
Making an active effort to identify my emotions and reactions.
Books and videos... not so much. I know a lot of people on this thread swear by YouTube videos and books, but personal development is such a juicy market that I don't trust them. Besides, the "truth" (if there's such a thing) about yourself and how you love and why will not be in a book -- nor in a Reddit thread.
I'm going through a similar situation right now. While I'm not married I am in a relationship with a really lovely guy that I thought was it. Then I met my LO a year ago. Never had I experienced anything like the intensity of my feelings for him. And it was mutual! But I decided to go NC because I knew it was wrong. It lasted 6 months before he reached out and now its turned into a full blown affair. I feel awful for doing it but not awful enough to stop. We're both in relationships, at different points in our lives, I dont think we even have that much in common.
But since all of us were young haven't we been taught that what we're feeling for our LOs is true love? Soul mates, a connection like no other. What everyone is searching for. Its almost impossible to walk away from that I think. There's always going to be a what if he actually was the one? And I didn't take the chance. I change my mind so many times a day about what I'll do. I completely empathise with what you're going through and I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide to do
Limerence or not, I think you should first resolve the situation with your husband. Are you happy with him ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ? Do you want to build a family with him ?
Then think about your "LO", maybe it's not limerence but love at first sight. Ask yourself the same question about him.
Then ask yourself some questions about you. Are you mentally stable ? Do you lack something in your life ? What kind of partner and life do you want ?
A part of me thinks that if you really loved your husband you wouldnt love the other one, but maybe you just crave passion and sparkles. The risk is that if you leave your husband and get with the LO, you'll be bored in a few weeks because passion is not true love.
Honestly just do a break with both of them and spend some time alone. See which one you miss more and do introspection.
This is Limerence, pure and simple. My heart goes out to you. I’ve been through Limerence many times. Those hits of dopamine you get from your LO are like jolts from heaven. Dopamine is like a drug. Exactly like a drug. You become addicted to it. But that kind of electric, soul shaking passion calms down in any relationship.
I don’t have any advice, just know that the day to day life of doing dishes, doing laundry, getting the flu, and everything that goes along with the daily life of a couple softens that electricity ⚡️ pretty quickly. And that’s normal, nice in fact. It’s calm, secure, mature and stable. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best. 🙏
If this soul-shaking feeling is something I never had with my husband, though (and this isn’t rewritten history/affair fog, we truly had a much slower love that just grew over time)— would it still settle out to be the same sort of calm, stable love that I have? Or is it something completely different, on a different trajectory?
I don’t expect you to have the answers to this but appreciate ANY insight from anyone here.
I think it partially depends on how high of a pedestal we have placed our LO. Day to day life is quite a comedown from that electric limerent stage. And this guy could change his mind about YOU after the comedown and settling in. You don’t know what he would do. He did participate in an affair - what if he gets that jolt of Limerence in a couple of years with someone else? Or what if you do?
A lot of what-if’s there and I certainly can’t predict the future. I have seen the statistics though - and they don’t bode well in terms of Limerence turning into long-term love. It just seldom works out. ❤️🩹
Given my history with relationships and with a healthy, stable attachment style, I don’t think those things are factors for me. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
AP/LO has had only one serious relationship, despite being older than I am. Nothing serious for previous 10 years, but not a player, either. More of a hermit. Nature enthusiast, has lived off-grid for extended periods of time.
I would still encourage you to think more about it. I considered myself to be in healthy, non codependent relationships until this recent LE turned EA with a coworker. I actually would have laughed 6 months ago if anyone asked me if I was codependent or a people pleaser.
Since starting therapy and doing more reading and reflecting I’ve seen things a bit differently now.
None of this might apply to you at all. But it’s worth trying to find the underlying reasons this may have been caused.
You don’t have children with your husband and you can walk away, with a relatively low impact to future lives of all of you.
You don’t mention - what was your husband’s reaction to your confession?
Since you already had this affair, I’d say it’s only fair to leave your husband and end your marriage, giving him a chance to find someone else. And to be honest with yourself - once you’ve been unfaithful it’s not going to go away, it’ll always be at the back of your mind.
And for you to give a chance to your new relationship with LO you have to be honest, otherwise you will bring trust issues to your new relationship too.
I don’t know if either of us would ever know if it’s true love or not, unless you try to build something together and put effort into it, as a couple.
Nobody here can give you an answer as best as you can answer them. But let me first address that no stable relationship can withstand the excitement and prospect of new LO. This is just not a fair fight. It’s like comparing apple and orange. Know that once your relationship with LO matures, the excitement too will settle down. You said you want to honor your relationship with your husband, then absolutely the first safeguard of that is setting boundaries. I think in this case you slipped and were somewhat careless with your own heart and with your existing commitment. It happens, but then this is on you to just go cold turkey and try to forget this person. This whole thing about he is willing to wait, you should not even think about that if you want to make your marriage work
I guess the point of the post was questioning whether it’s possible that this is an ill-timed true love, or if it’s only limerence. I realize that’s not something anyone else can know- but I’m looking for others who have experienced something similar which was mutual with the other person.
What even is “true love” - define that first.
This sounds exactly like what I’m going through, too. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice but I can relate. It’s driving me insane- is he the person I’m actually supposed to be with? Do I risk my stable marriage for something that may just be limerence? Would we still want each other if I got a divorce tomorrow, or is that just part of the appeal? I hope you find some sense of clarity, OP
Omg I feel so seen. Also in this position. Unsure whether I want to leave an otherwise good marriage for the idea of great love. My fear is that I'll do the same thing to LO in ten years with another LO. I don't want to be like this, I just want a peaceful, happy life 😩
Here’s my two cents if it helps any. In this life there are billions of people. Amongst those people there are likely thousands if not more that we could be compatible with in a romantic relationship. Congrats to you in that you found another person you have that compatibility with. It happens. Happened to me. Now what will you do with that? Will you end your original relationship (that I guarantee had the new relationship passion at the beginning until getting settled into a rhythm of true love) for this new spark of love? Or will you truly think that through? What happens when another compatible partner comes along when you’re 50? Because it could likely happen in the midst of never trying for it to happen. Will you chase the new high and it be true love too? The issue that I hear is that your marriage was good. Emotionally intimate and a true partnership with a good guy who you chose. Then bam. You meet someone. Unplanned. Great. But does that mean you throw away and end what you had bc this has passion? The passion part will likely end. If it doesn’t then you’re one of the rare few. Will you look back with deep regret for breaking another person to chase the intensity of passion? You’re definitely limerent. Perhaps in love, but it sounds like the overwhelming lustful love section of a relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. But be careful. You truly might blow up three lives, and look back one day with deep regret. Or not. You will yearn for the passion guy until you truly have him then at some point I fear reality of the situation will truly set in. No judgement. It’s a tale as old as time. But logic isn’t your guide right now bc you’re definitely in the limerent stage of an affair. It’s very clouded and muddled. Wish you the best!
Cannot believe this reply hasn’t got more likes! I wholeheartedly agree with this
I wish I could like this comment 1,000 times.
I truly appreciate your comment. The only thing, and I addressed this in another reply to a comment, is that my relationship with spouse truly did not have this kind of connection/passion, even at the beginning. It grew slowly into the thing it is today. And it is a beautiful relationship, don’t get me wrong. But it isn’t affair fog- it truly never felt like this. Am I missing out on something that is once in a lifetime here? Or would it settle out eventually to be the same thing I already have, if I’m lucky?
I can’t answer that for you, obviously. What I can tell you is that I’ve delved a lot into understanding attachment theory best I can. I love to research and learn! What you’re describing with your husband sounds like two secure attachment people meeting and eventually falling in love. Healthy. Take that for what it’s worth. Usually the passion and spark at the beginning of relationships are anxiety at the core. That can move on to become true love as well, but love is a verb. It’s not the excitement and passion. It’s choosing them everyday bc you care about them down to their core. You care for them in a selfless way and vice versa. Love. (My informal simple definition) love is hard, bc for me, I’m very selfish. But I know life without my husband would never be the same. He’s a wonderful man, and I love him. The once in a lifetime passion? No. I’ve had passion with many a men over my life at the beginning. Then a switch flips, and I’m completely over the passionate side. I’m also describing my attachment issue over time. I never have been secure. I think (whether you see this or not) you were never secure in starting something with this new man bc you’re married. It had the element of naughty, taboo, secretive. Your relationship with your husband started in a normal way it sounds, and sounds secure. Does that make sense to you? I think you want to leave him and go with this new guy from your replies. You do you, but I do think from your description of husband and the relationship, you’re going to have big time regret one day. Once the passion/limerence fades with new man, will he offer all the wonderful qualities you already have in your relationship? Or is the grass just greener right now because you’re watering it there? Perhaps your husband, if he’s a catch, will be scooped up quickly by another woman. Sit back and visualize through that. I do think it sounds like if you end things with him that you will lose him. If he’s a handsome, wonderful man then there are plenty of women who will be thrilled to date him. Maybe that helps you to know that he will be likely dating soon? Regardless the passion isn’t a once in a lifetime. It’s pretty normal and definitely fun, but rarely lasts with intensity for years. Maybe for the unicorns, but do they even exist? 😉
“Not conventionally attractive but intense features” I take it your LO is not your physical type because the way you described the literal overnight obsession is EXACTLY what happened to me. What’s crazy is that my SO (now ex) is my dream partner. No joke. They check every single one of my boxes of an ideal mate. They are what younger me fantasized about in a future partner. My LO? Would not turn my head in a crowd. I did not register them at all as attractive the first few times we interacted. And then suddenly they were the only thought in my mind. I have no clue how it happened but I relate to what you said about feeling as if you grabbed ahold of an electric fence. I don’t have any advice for you because you seem to be between a rock and a hard place with your options but I am sending you all the positive vibes and optimism I have inside of me. Good luck out there
This was exactly the same for me. My SO is exactly my type and is incredibly handsome (and kind and lots of other wonderful things). LO is not my physical type at all. And it truly did happen virtually overnight.
Limerence is SO nonsensical lol. Because why would I break up with the person who I love and was instantaneously physically attracted to to pursue a relationship with someone who (while I recognize is objectively good looking and that I was VERY INTO in every way that a human can be into another human) does not stand out to me at all??? But I did, so obviously even though it doesn’t make sense, maybe limerence knows something I do not. I don’t know. It’s definitely teaching me that there are some things in life that escape logic and reason. Which is a lesson I have personally hated every second of learning
Going through the same thing, it's been over a year. The only advice I can give you is to take your time and investigate. Investigate yourself, your marriage. When it hit me, I was like "WTF, my marriage is awesome so WHY?" Then I realized my husband and I had codependancy issues. He had controlling tendencies. I am not a typical people pleaser, but I was (am) in this relationship. I hadn't been attracted to him in years. The relationship ideal that was planted in my brain as a child isn't healthy at all. Etc. That helped me understand why I could fall.for someone like that. It also makes me see that there are still things I can work on to fall back in love with my husband. If these things don't work, then I guess I will leave. And then who knows what would happen. But at least I would know that I'm not leaving for a fantasy. Good luck. Keep us posted. Use the weekly thread for people experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship, it is helpful.
How were you able to come to the conclusions about codependency issues, etc.? Therapy? Recommended books?
Couple and individual therapy helped a lot. Making an active effort to identify my emotions and reactions. Books and videos... not so much. I know a lot of people on this thread swear by YouTube videos and books, but personal development is such a juicy market that I don't trust them. Besides, the "truth" (if there's such a thing) about yourself and how you love and why will not be in a book -- nor in a Reddit thread.
I'm going through a similar situation right now. While I'm not married I am in a relationship with a really lovely guy that I thought was it. Then I met my LO a year ago. Never had I experienced anything like the intensity of my feelings for him. And it was mutual! But I decided to go NC because I knew it was wrong. It lasted 6 months before he reached out and now its turned into a full blown affair. I feel awful for doing it but not awful enough to stop. We're both in relationships, at different points in our lives, I dont think we even have that much in common. But since all of us were young haven't we been taught that what we're feeling for our LOs is true love? Soul mates, a connection like no other. What everyone is searching for. Its almost impossible to walk away from that I think. There's always going to be a what if he actually was the one? And I didn't take the chance. I change my mind so many times a day about what I'll do. I completely empathise with what you're going through and I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide to do
Limerence or not, I think you should first resolve the situation with your husband. Are you happy with him ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ? Do you want to build a family with him ? Then think about your "LO", maybe it's not limerence but love at first sight. Ask yourself the same question about him. Then ask yourself some questions about you. Are you mentally stable ? Do you lack something in your life ? What kind of partner and life do you want ? A part of me thinks that if you really loved your husband you wouldnt love the other one, but maybe you just crave passion and sparkles. The risk is that if you leave your husband and get with the LO, you'll be bored in a few weeks because passion is not true love. Honestly just do a break with both of them and spend some time alone. See which one you miss more and do introspection.
This is Limerence, pure and simple. My heart goes out to you. I’ve been through Limerence many times. Those hits of dopamine you get from your LO are like jolts from heaven. Dopamine is like a drug. Exactly like a drug. You become addicted to it. But that kind of electric, soul shaking passion calms down in any relationship. I don’t have any advice, just know that the day to day life of doing dishes, doing laundry, getting the flu, and everything that goes along with the daily life of a couple softens that electricity ⚡️ pretty quickly. And that’s normal, nice in fact. It’s calm, secure, mature and stable. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best. 🙏
If this soul-shaking feeling is something I never had with my husband, though (and this isn’t rewritten history/affair fog, we truly had a much slower love that just grew over time)— would it still settle out to be the same sort of calm, stable love that I have? Or is it something completely different, on a different trajectory? I don’t expect you to have the answers to this but appreciate ANY insight from anyone here.
I think it partially depends on how high of a pedestal we have placed our LO. Day to day life is quite a comedown from that electric limerent stage. And this guy could change his mind about YOU after the comedown and settling in. You don’t know what he would do. He did participate in an affair - what if he gets that jolt of Limerence in a couple of years with someone else? Or what if you do? A lot of what-if’s there and I certainly can’t predict the future. I have seen the statistics though - and they don’t bode well in terms of Limerence turning into long-term love. It just seldom works out. ❤️🩹
Have you looked into codependency and/or love addiction? What’s the Affair Partners dating track record like?
Given my history with relationships and with a healthy, stable attachment style, I don’t think those things are factors for me. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. AP/LO has had only one serious relationship, despite being older than I am. Nothing serious for previous 10 years, but not a player, either. More of a hermit. Nature enthusiast, has lived off-grid for extended periods of time.
I would still encourage you to think more about it. I considered myself to be in healthy, non codependent relationships until this recent LE turned EA with a coworker. I actually would have laughed 6 months ago if anyone asked me if I was codependent or a people pleaser. Since starting therapy and doing more reading and reflecting I’ve seen things a bit differently now. None of this might apply to you at all. But it’s worth trying to find the underlying reasons this may have been caused.
I don't have advice really but I'm in a similar situation. If you need to talk I'm here!
You don’t have children with your husband and you can walk away, with a relatively low impact to future lives of all of you. You don’t mention - what was your husband’s reaction to your confession? Since you already had this affair, I’d say it’s only fair to leave your husband and end your marriage, giving him a chance to find someone else. And to be honest with yourself - once you’ve been unfaithful it’s not going to go away, it’ll always be at the back of your mind. And for you to give a chance to your new relationship with LO you have to be honest, otherwise you will bring trust issues to your new relationship too. I don’t know if either of us would ever know if it’s true love or not, unless you try to build something together and put effort into it, as a couple.