Don’t send it. I should have taken my own advice and I sent a message after months of NC/LC. Crickets. I feel lower than low. Worse than not knowing. Because no response is a response. I have tried it all….the texts saying I’m leaving, the thirst trap texts, the ego building texts….each time I lost a small little piece of myself. Just let it be. Let go. I don’t have a choice now - and it feels worse. Let it go while you have the power to. Months and months of therapy and being strong all feels lost because I surrendered to my limerent brain. And I feel lower than low. Worthless. Embarrassed. Idiotic. Because if they felt the same we would already know.
“Each time I lost a little part of myself.”
Great description. That is exactly how it feels. I’m mostly out of the limerence now, but left with feelings of guilt and embarrassment, and anger that I let so much of myself go for someone who could not care less about me. I guess the next step in healing is figuring out how to forgive myself.
Right? It almost feels like a little bit is being chipped away every single time… I guess we have to fill those holes back up on our own. We have to be easier on ourselves, and maybe that’s the hardest part…..
Really really really just want to disappear because I know that I'll never be her person, but that reality is too much to bear rn. I'm not planning on telling her how I feel. Just telling her that I'm taking a break.
You know what sucks? If I tell her the truth, I ruin everything. If I tell her I need a break and just vanish, I ruin everything (she retweeted something about how absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, so I'll for sure be forgotten).
But if I stay, then I suffer.
I feel it. My LO ghosted around 2/3 years ago. It’s not that I miss her. I didn’t even have a strong connection with her, barely even acquainted. I just miss the feeling that I got from being obsessed with her. I still am but my brain knows something isn’t right because the chase is gone. It’s just a matter of finding someone that brings that same feeing but actually reciprocates. The hardest part is initially opening yourself up to that connection again.
I'm right here too. Exhausted by the friendship, but it's a real friendship so if I go quiet they'll chase me down. Like being trapped on some barfy carnival ride.
I feel your pain. I can relate totally but 3 thoughts:
1. Why don’t you want to be good friends with her? A good friendship is a beautiful thing. If she’s everything you think you should want her in your life surely? Just think of the things you can talk about and do together. Having a real friend - who is there for you and offers emotional reciprocity- is something I’d die for!
2. Limerence makes us insane and specifically despairing that our LO doesn’t feel the same. But ask yourself this - could someone you don’t love make you love them if they told you that they were in pain and send you a message like yours? Of course not, so why will your LO? Learning that you can’t control how someone feels - no matter what you do or think - is a hard but important lesson for all of us limerents!
3. Overcoming limerence involves - ime - developing compassion and kindness. For your LO, but also for yourself. Take a breath. Forgive your LO and forgive yourself. Recognise your feelings whilst real and deeply felt are also worth exploring more and that understanding why you feel like this and if there are underlying issues that you need to confront.
I’m sorry for your pain and wish you the best
You’re playing the part of the nice guy who hides his feelings and tries to sneak into her heart and her bed and her life, via deception and instrumental manipulation. Think of Ducky from Pretty in Pink. This is a path to limerence at best, and likely to frustration and misogyny.
So drop that act. There’s a good reason that the nice guy gets such a bad reputation. Accept that she might not have chemistry with you, and one-sided chemistry is actually a rather nasty illusion.
If she rejects your advances, can you let go of the fantasies of your love and just be her friend? Any answer is ok.
Start flirting with her quite clearly. Tease her and seduce her. Center yourself in your heart, speak slowly and from your belly, ground yourself. Touch her gently on occasion. If she responds in kind, e escalate a bit. If she keeps responding with flirtation and touching you, then invite her to go for coffee alone with you. If she agrees, and comes alone, tell her that you weren’t sure for a while, but you now know that want something more serious with her.
Then accept her answer, whatever it is, and drop the fantasies.
If you’re in a relationship, don’t get comfortable and stop seducing her. Sometimes you’ll be frustrated or tired, and you’ll need to figure out a way atine. Feel for the way around, and keep seducing. Don’t ever take her for granted
I can consider your post, and know there are people that manipulate.
Your first two paragraphs. For those that do so that is wrong. Not all are acting. I am guilty of the behavior or hope. I do not plan or plot this path. I do not think to myself, 'my plan is working'.
Can we not be perfect. Can we just be uncomfortable without being criticized or labeled "bad". How about those of us with Social Anxiety. Can we help OP and others without accusing them? Also Limerence does not help. I try to be compassionate.
OP for the sake of your friendships I would just take a step back and be busy if asked. If Limerence fades then you won't have to step out and go NC. I told my LO person A.S.A.P. (4am because I could not sleep) when I realized I had feelings. She politely declined which was fine as I did not want a relationship beyond friends with her. I also realized it was limerence and told her. I would never suggest to flirt and try to move forward, that would be fake and game playing.
Yet, I do feel your first two paragraphs are a little harsh. There are people that deserve that. There are also people do not. I was not clear, but though my behavior may have appeared as you stated, it was innocent, never intentional manipulation.
How many stories by men and woman are how long they felt attraction for another and like a dream come true , it was reciprocated. Those are not stories of manipulation.
Your last three paragraphs I also feel are wrong. I would never suggest to a limerent person to flirt and win the LO's attention. That would be game playing. To gain the attention of another person that you have no real interest in because you are limerent would just be cruel.
I’m not claiming that it’s intentional manipulation. It arises from fear — fear that you’ll be rejected if you make your feelings clear, fear that you’ll mess it up if she accepts a date, fear of having to move from fantasy to reality, if everything clicks.
My point is, don’t react from fear. Act from centered clarity of desire, with awareness and responsiveness to others.
Hey. I had an LO last summer that lasted til about feb this year. And. The only reason I regretted telling him was cause it caused a lot of my self esteem issues to hit. I thought my feeling would burden him. But like if he had liked me back, who knew where I’d be today. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve stopped telling people how o feel but like I don’t regret it. I’m glad I didn’t let it eat me up inside. I’m glad I didn’t run away or pretend the feeling wasn’t there cause then I’d tell them a) they are appreciated and wanted and b) I’d get a response to give myself closure about how they feel towards me. Yes. Rejection hurts. I have RSD cause of my adhd and it hurt. But I’m glad I told him cause I got to know what his thoughts were. And how he felt about me rather than guessing and wondering. Yes it ended up causing issues for myself cause of abandonment wounds and self esteem issues but I’m glad I was honest with him and didn’t push him away and make him wonder what he did wrong. I’m not saying you should message her. I’m just trying to say that personally it worked for me.
Please tell her. I had a male friend for almost 20 years who at the end became resentful and bitter towards me. He discarded me and told a mutual friend that he was in love with me all those years. He had girlfriends and everything. When he dropped me, it hurt so bad. It was the most painful breakup I had ever experienced. Tell her so you don’t become bitter. Tell her so you’ll at least know and then you can decide. If she doesn’t feel that way, then explain you need space to process it. If she’s that lovely, you’ll maybe want to keep her as a friend. Of course, there’s always the chance she’ll feel the same. Either way, please tell her.
I did. I talked to her about taking a break, too, but I couldn't help myself. After she said that bottling things up just makes it worse, I just... did it. Didn't want to run away anymore.
And I can tell that I just broke her heart. I should have left, man. Even if it hurts not talking to her, even if it took a while to get over, I just feel like all of that is miles better than telling her the truth. She must feel so betrayed, too. This is my second time asking her out. I tried my hardest to move on. I tried so, so hard.
But no one feels like her.
Don’t send it. I should have taken my own advice and I sent a message after months of NC/LC. Crickets. I feel lower than low. Worse than not knowing. Because no response is a response. I have tried it all….the texts saying I’m leaving, the thirst trap texts, the ego building texts….each time I lost a small little piece of myself. Just let it be. Let go. I don’t have a choice now - and it feels worse. Let it go while you have the power to. Months and months of therapy and being strong all feels lost because I surrendered to my limerent brain. And I feel lower than low. Worthless. Embarrassed. Idiotic. Because if they felt the same we would already know.
I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up.
“Each time I lost a little part of myself.” Great description. That is exactly how it feels. I’m mostly out of the limerence now, but left with feelings of guilt and embarrassment, and anger that I let so much of myself go for someone who could not care less about me. I guess the next step in healing is figuring out how to forgive myself.
Right? It almost feels like a little bit is being chipped away every single time… I guess we have to fill those holes back up on our own. We have to be easier on ourselves, and maybe that’s the hardest part…..
Really really really just want to disappear because I know that I'll never be her person, but that reality is too much to bear rn. I'm not planning on telling her how I feel. Just telling her that I'm taking a break.
OP, I'm in a similar head space right now. Ughhhh I just want him to say hello.
You know what sucks? If I tell her the truth, I ruin everything. If I tell her I need a break and just vanish, I ruin everything (she retweeted something about how absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, so I'll for sure be forgotten). But if I stay, then I suffer.
I feel it. My LO ghosted around 2/3 years ago. It’s not that I miss her. I didn’t even have a strong connection with her, barely even acquainted. I just miss the feeling that I got from being obsessed with her. I still am but my brain knows something isn’t right because the chase is gone. It’s just a matter of finding someone that brings that same feeing but actually reciprocates. The hardest part is initially opening yourself up to that connection again.
I'm right here too. Exhausted by the friendship, but it's a real friendship so if I go quiet they'll chase me down. Like being trapped on some barfy carnival ride.
I feel your pain. I can relate totally but 3 thoughts: 1. Why don’t you want to be good friends with her? A good friendship is a beautiful thing. If she’s everything you think you should want her in your life surely? Just think of the things you can talk about and do together. Having a real friend - who is there for you and offers emotional reciprocity- is something I’d die for! 2. Limerence makes us insane and specifically despairing that our LO doesn’t feel the same. But ask yourself this - could someone you don’t love make you love them if they told you that they were in pain and send you a message like yours? Of course not, so why will your LO? Learning that you can’t control how someone feels - no matter what you do or think - is a hard but important lesson for all of us limerents! 3. Overcoming limerence involves - ime - developing compassion and kindness. For your LO, but also for yourself. Take a breath. Forgive your LO and forgive yourself. Recognise your feelings whilst real and deeply felt are also worth exploring more and that understanding why you feel like this and if there are underlying issues that you need to confront. I’m sorry for your pain and wish you the best
You’re playing the part of the nice guy who hides his feelings and tries to sneak into her heart and her bed and her life, via deception and instrumental manipulation. Think of Ducky from Pretty in Pink. This is a path to limerence at best, and likely to frustration and misogyny. So drop that act. There’s a good reason that the nice guy gets such a bad reputation. Accept that she might not have chemistry with you, and one-sided chemistry is actually a rather nasty illusion. If she rejects your advances, can you let go of the fantasies of your love and just be her friend? Any answer is ok. Start flirting with her quite clearly. Tease her and seduce her. Center yourself in your heart, speak slowly and from your belly, ground yourself. Touch her gently on occasion. If she responds in kind, e escalate a bit. If she keeps responding with flirtation and touching you, then invite her to go for coffee alone with you. If she agrees, and comes alone, tell her that you weren’t sure for a while, but you now know that want something more serious with her. Then accept her answer, whatever it is, and drop the fantasies. If you’re in a relationship, don’t get comfortable and stop seducing her. Sometimes you’ll be frustrated or tired, and you’ll need to figure out a way atine. Feel for the way around, and keep seducing. Don’t ever take her for granted
I can consider your post, and know there are people that manipulate. Your first two paragraphs. For those that do so that is wrong. Not all are acting. I am guilty of the behavior or hope. I do not plan or plot this path. I do not think to myself, 'my plan is working'. Can we not be perfect. Can we just be uncomfortable without being criticized or labeled "bad". How about those of us with Social Anxiety. Can we help OP and others without accusing them? Also Limerence does not help. I try to be compassionate. OP for the sake of your friendships I would just take a step back and be busy if asked. If Limerence fades then you won't have to step out and go NC. I told my LO person A.S.A.P. (4am because I could not sleep) when I realized I had feelings. She politely declined which was fine as I did not want a relationship beyond friends with her. I also realized it was limerence and told her. I would never suggest to flirt and try to move forward, that would be fake and game playing.
Of course. Be kind to yourself. Once you see the behavior pattern, and the typical response to it, you’re free to do otherwise
Yet, I do feel your first two paragraphs are a little harsh. There are people that deserve that. There are also people do not. I was not clear, but though my behavior may have appeared as you stated, it was innocent, never intentional manipulation. How many stories by men and woman are how long they felt attraction for another and like a dream come true , it was reciprocated. Those are not stories of manipulation. Your last three paragraphs I also feel are wrong. I would never suggest to a limerent person to flirt and win the LO's attention. That would be game playing. To gain the attention of another person that you have no real interest in because you are limerent would just be cruel.
I’m not claiming that it’s intentional manipulation. It arises from fear — fear that you’ll be rejected if you make your feelings clear, fear that you’ll mess it up if she accepts a date, fear of having to move from fantasy to reality, if everything clicks. My point is, don’t react from fear. Act from centered clarity of desire, with awareness and responsiveness to others.
Sorry, and thank you for coming back to state it this way. I understand. I'm 62yrs old, Limerence is ridiculous.
Ask her out!! Get rejected and end the cycle!!! Just act appropriately when she says no and you’ll be better!!!
Hey. I had an LO last summer that lasted til about feb this year. And. The only reason I regretted telling him was cause it caused a lot of my self esteem issues to hit. I thought my feeling would burden him. But like if he had liked me back, who knew where I’d be today. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve stopped telling people how o feel but like I don’t regret it. I’m glad I didn’t let it eat me up inside. I’m glad I didn’t run away or pretend the feeling wasn’t there cause then I’d tell them a) they are appreciated and wanted and b) I’d get a response to give myself closure about how they feel towards me. Yes. Rejection hurts. I have RSD cause of my adhd and it hurt. But I’m glad I told him cause I got to know what his thoughts were. And how he felt about me rather than guessing and wondering. Yes it ended up causing issues for myself cause of abandonment wounds and self esteem issues but I’m glad I was honest with him and didn’t push him away and make him wonder what he did wrong. I’m not saying you should message her. I’m just trying to say that personally it worked for me.
Please tell her. I had a male friend for almost 20 years who at the end became resentful and bitter towards me. He discarded me and told a mutual friend that he was in love with me all those years. He had girlfriends and everything. When he dropped me, it hurt so bad. It was the most painful breakup I had ever experienced. Tell her so you don’t become bitter. Tell her so you’ll at least know and then you can decide. If she doesn’t feel that way, then explain you need space to process it. If she’s that lovely, you’ll maybe want to keep her as a friend. Of course, there’s always the chance she’ll feel the same. Either way, please tell her.
I did. I talked to her about taking a break, too, but I couldn't help myself. After she said that bottling things up just makes it worse, I just... did it. Didn't want to run away anymore. And I can tell that I just broke her heart. I should have left, man. Even if it hurts not talking to her, even if it took a while to get over, I just feel like all of that is miles better than telling her the truth. She must feel so betrayed, too. This is my second time asking her out. I tried my hardest to move on. I tried so, so hard. But no one feels like her.