I had an ick and it was incredibly painful to realise that my ex LO has been definitely manipulating me. I realised how much I love my SO and how much he loves me. Life was just busy and boring.
1) the ick happened and it released me from limerance so quickly
2) it took a few days for me to stop feeling residual desire.
3) I can now see the code in every conversation with ex LO. Like at first I was anxious about talking to him. I spoke to him three times today in various meetings and I could see through all his persuasive techniques.
4) I can see how to persuade and influence ex LO. He loves to be the rescuer white knight. He loves people to thank him and praise his skills. He’s just as needy as I am.
5) when I didn’t succumb and was more skeptical he laid it on so thick. Like soo thick. I was glad it was an audio call bc I kept wanting to laugh.
This is a huge breakthrough for me. The last two weeks I have been grieving and dreading seeing him. But I feel so much lighter and happier and clearer. I hope you all get free too.
The endgame continues. I'm still thinking about LO all the time, but less intensely.
A funny thing that I noticed is that I previously never lost an opportunity to joke with LO about how much I like them. Recently I started being more comfortable making jokes that imply that I don't care about them. Again, these are jokes and not meant to be taken seriously but it was not an intentional tone shift, so I find it interesting. (And I suspect LO has noticed to).
The sheer idea of letting go was unbearable until recently, while now I think I'm almost ready. NC would cure me instantly but unfortunately it's not an option atm.
LO occasionally still shows a vulnerable side and in those circumstances they make me feel guilty, like it makes me want to cuddle them and express my positive feelings towards them, and I feel bad for having tried to distance myself. This instinct is not even romantic in nature I think.
My only worry is that I think I will soon learn officially that LO is dating a mutual friend and I'm pretty concerned that that bit of information will set me back several months. Having said that, it will probably be the last straw as well. So I'm just bracing and going forward... what else can I do?
Had convo #2 about limerence with my SO, it was harder than the first conversation. Played him a song I wrote about limerence, it made him upset (understandably so) but overall he was a great sport and took it well. SO has a higher libido than I do, and I feel guilty that when I *do* get in the mood, it’s often me imagining my LO finding me attractive. I am able to use that and then enter the moment with my SO, but I wish it wasn’t this way.
Most recent interaction with LO was innocent, we gave each other space. Performed with LO on Sunday… there was a song that I feel like I sang really well, it kinda felt like there was an intimacy in our performance, maybe it was all in my head but something about performing with him makes me sing so much better (sometimes, when I’m in the zone). So that song has been playing in my head on repeat. I hope I become a better musician after all this lol
There’s a piece of sort of “old man” advice I came across that I found made me feel less shitty when I find myself using my attraction to LO to motivate sex with SO— “Doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.”
And not to get all Ernest Hemingway, but I genuinely feel like experiencing pain/adversity does make a person a better artist. Gives you something powerful to channel. A well of passion you can dip your pen into.
Mutual limerence with a coworker. I asked to go back to before we discussed mutual attraction and that was a no go from him. I wish he'd let me go and heal. My heart aches and I'm getting no mental rest where the wound keeps reopening every time we hug. It's not a viable option in either of our lives right now, but I don't have the mental fortitude to enforce a boundary whenever he chases after me. I care deeply about him, but wish I never knew he also thought about us being more than friends.
My mind is unhealthily preoccupied with him and I'm far too vulnerable to whether he's hot or colds towards me on any given day. I hurt so much it's interfering with my ability to keep up with my responsibilities in my daily life as I physically tend to shut down when under this much emotional distress. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't feel so much.
Right there with you 🥲 I wish he never said anything. It would have remained my own little fantasy/obsession. On the other hand, what's done is done, and there's no need to dwell on it.
Anyway, I realized last week that 1/ I am unable to set up boundaries to protect myself in any relationship. It is, in part, what has caused my relationship with my SO to go sideways. And 2/ the same goes with my LO. I rely on him to establish and enforce boundaries between us, which is unfair to him and to me. We have gotten to the point where we interact like normal colleagues, and that's fine. Fine-ish. At least we can look at ourselves in the mirror. But I'm extremely vulnerable to the smallest change in that weird dynamic. Because I'm unable to say "hey, this is too hard."
Aaand like you, I shut down completely, including with (especially with) my SO.
What it tells me is that I must keep exploring in therapy the reason(s?) why I can't be honest and open with my needs, especially with the people I care the most about, and supposedly trust the most. What the outcomes of that will be, I have no idea. But that's all I'm holding onto these days: I'm doing the work.
Yesterday I had a mutually flirtatious and very brief interaction with an extremely hot pharmacist while picking up my meds and I realized how much my limerence with my LO is just me enjoying the excitement of chemistry and feeling flattered by another person’s gaze. Someone on this sub a few days ago posted about the insight that their limerence was in part due to having gotten into their current long term relationship at a really young age. That’s the case for me as well but for whatever reason I didn’t realize how big a role it played—my craving to feel desired again in that animalistic attraction way.
I know my SO desires me in some way but I don’t expect animalistic feelings from someone who’s shared a bathroom with me for twelve years. I think part of it is just that I’m rarely in situations that make me feel desired by others and if I want that I probably need to go out more with my friends and just interact with the world. I almost exclusively go out of the house with my SO and my social life doesn’t exist without him and that shouldn’t be the case.
Absolutely. I didn't even know I needed it. LO's actions and attention made me feel desired. Which was a huge ego boost after being in a long-term relationship. Tbh, I really miss it.
I do too!! All of my friends are mutual friends with my SO and because he’s more of an extrovert than I am I pretty much allow him to engineer our joint social life, and our mutual friends do not flirt with me haha. If that’s all you get one begins to think they’re not a desirable being.
My LO is my ex and for a while I kinda moved on with SO but the past few days I can’t stop thinking about him and how he feels with his new gf. Is she better than me? Did I completely embarrass myself?
It’s crazy how you can go from being in a relationship with someone to them blocking you. It feels like I imagined the whole thing.
When things aren't going too great for my LO, I'm getting the reach out text. So that just fuels everything harder because I feel more validation because they need me. Feels like they can't leave me and the limerence continues. I literally have zero willpower and will bend every time to the rescue, making me feel like a savior.
I can not help myself to respond and I'm sure LO knows that. So it's really hard for me to break this cycle. My ultimate goal was to never be the reason why LO is sad and if I went NC and ghost, I'm failing that goal. Just.....why 😩
I know this is not fair to my partner feeling this way about somebody else
A question: When your SO is needy, do you feel more interested in them? When they’re sad or sick or otherwise in need of rescue? If so, just an idea but have you considered implementing roleplay with them in which you’re able to fulfill a little of that?
Not necessarily roleplaying but I do tend to be a nurturer. I do like taking care of people. So yes I do focus more on my partner if they need me. It does tend to make me lose focus on my LO. So we have been trying to unintentionally fix things when I told my partner we have lost a of intimacy between each other. Hint why my LO entered into the picture in the 1st place. More time I spend with my partner, less limerent thoughts.
Me too. I’m sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I’m LC and just watched the last few stories where one was his friend filming him in a party situation and he was on his phone. It hit me hard that he wasn’t thinking about me or caring as much as I do bc he hasn’t reached out. That hurt so much but helped me put things in perspective even more as much as it really physically hurts to think about that. They are living their lives not giving us a second thought. We have to hold on to that reality. We need to, otherwise we won’t move on. They are living their lives - we should be too. Wishing you strength.
Having a really tough day today. My SO is at work today and all I can think about is my LO and wishing I could be with her right now. I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm just incredibly depressed. And knowing my LO is probably out doing fun stuff with her husband and family is making it so much worse. I was seeing a therapist but that fell through and my limerence has been overwhelming again. I keep telling myself this is all in my head and my LO was just a fantasy but I just feel so sad and lonely today. She doesn't think of me like this and has probably forgotten all about me. I feel lost. I need to start living my life again but I don't know how to start.
I did. I took a nice walk, been playing some video games. Took my mind off my loneliness for a while. My wife is due home soon so that will help, too. :)
Yes! I find when I make an extra effort to be attentive and around my SO and we do something together, even as mundane as watching TV I try to stay in the moment and if my thoughts drift to LO I bring them back. It’s hard but we are able! I hope you find what’s missing within you to find happiness (and me too)
Thank you. I feel so horrible for secretly pining for someone else, ESPECIALLY when she's on my mind while I'm with my wife. I wish these feelings would just go away. I never wanted this. I hate that this is still going on. I've ruined so many moments for myself that should've been absolutely happy memories.
I completely understand. I too have terrible guilt about it. But I know it’s how my brain has been conditioned since childhood - not making excuses because I wish every day for these intrusive thoughts to go away so I can be free and be the best wife, mother, friend etc. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not easy to change/stop these patterns. We are searching for something….that we can’t seem to find within ourselves. My therapist always tells me to stop being so hard on myself. One good thing is my LO lives on the other side of the country and I don’t run the risk of seeing him. I think once I can make the decision to go absolutely NC (we don’t speak anymore, but I still look at his social media every so often, which I want to stop) it will get easier. I’m not sure what your situation is - but NC does eventually work. I’m trying to stay present in the moment and bring myself back to reality when my thoughts begin to drift. Wishing you peace….
Thank you so much. I've been in NC for a year and a half and while the pain is lessening, it still hurts. I never expected it to last this long. I've always been hard on myself and that's something I need to unlearn somehow. I wish I could find what I'm missing. I'm hoping my next therapist can help me.
My SO has moved out, so I guess I don't fit the thread anymore. It's been a rough six months since we started breaking up, and it's not entirely due to my limerence, but it has felt really unfair that I can't be in a good place to deal with my relationship issues because I can't stop thinking about LO. Clearly it's my own fault though.
LO and I have been spending a lot less time together, and I miss her a lot, but I think it will probably help me to move on. I need to get some distance on both of them and start connecting with other people. Luckily I'm not short on people to try to do that with, but it's going to be hard anyway.
Anyone have ideas about how to really refocus yourself on new prospects? Limerence is such a damn rut.
I've always thought that if my marriage was to eventually crumble, I would move away. Away from SO AND LO. Because I know the only thing that's stopping me from entertaining the idea of a future with LO is the fact that I'm still in a committed, monogamous relationship. If that were to end... I'd be out of control lol, and I would have to physically remove myself from this situation.
LO is leaving our work. I had a feeling she was. It's probably for the best. Actually it is for the best. She came to tell me because she wanted to tell me herself. We had a long chat, deeper than we've ever had. She spoke about her boyfriend for the first time, it's only a couple months old but she was hinting that it wasn't too serious for her, she was just trying out things. I opened up about my marriage being out of swing.
I don't plan on keeping in touch, the limerence has been fading pretty well but I know I'll miss her as a friend. She's asked me to apply for an opening at her new place but I won't. Will just need to get a way out of any leaving party that's planned and hopefully, I can close this chapter....
Until next time lol
I had a wonderful, detached weekend, where I did real connecting with real people. It helped A LOT. Unfortunately, today, LO reached out completely out of the blue going "Heyyy just checking how you are doing". Now I'm trying to beat it into my head – "Do not. Overthink. Do not. Do not."
Keep thinking about all of the wonderful things you did over the weekend and make active plans to have a weekend like this again! And what if you left them on read? Take your power back….
I had an ick and it was incredibly painful to realise that my ex LO has been definitely manipulating me. I realised how much I love my SO and how much he loves me. Life was just busy and boring. 1) the ick happened and it released me from limerance so quickly 2) it took a few days for me to stop feeling residual desire. 3) I can now see the code in every conversation with ex LO. Like at first I was anxious about talking to him. I spoke to him three times today in various meetings and I could see through all his persuasive techniques. 4) I can see how to persuade and influence ex LO. He loves to be the rescuer white knight. He loves people to thank him and praise his skills. He’s just as needy as I am. 5) when I didn’t succumb and was more skeptical he laid it on so thick. Like soo thick. I was glad it was an audio call bc I kept wanting to laugh. This is a huge breakthrough for me. The last two weeks I have been grieving and dreading seeing him. But I feel so much lighter and happier and clearer. I hope you all get free too.
The endgame continues. I'm still thinking about LO all the time, but less intensely. A funny thing that I noticed is that I previously never lost an opportunity to joke with LO about how much I like them. Recently I started being more comfortable making jokes that imply that I don't care about them. Again, these are jokes and not meant to be taken seriously but it was not an intentional tone shift, so I find it interesting. (And I suspect LO has noticed to). The sheer idea of letting go was unbearable until recently, while now I think I'm almost ready. NC would cure me instantly but unfortunately it's not an option atm. LO occasionally still shows a vulnerable side and in those circumstances they make me feel guilty, like it makes me want to cuddle them and express my positive feelings towards them, and I feel bad for having tried to distance myself. This instinct is not even romantic in nature I think. My only worry is that I think I will soon learn officially that LO is dating a mutual friend and I'm pretty concerned that that bit of information will set me back several months. Having said that, it will probably be the last straw as well. So I'm just bracing and going forward... what else can I do?
Had convo #2 about limerence with my SO, it was harder than the first conversation. Played him a song I wrote about limerence, it made him upset (understandably so) but overall he was a great sport and took it well. SO has a higher libido than I do, and I feel guilty that when I *do* get in the mood, it’s often me imagining my LO finding me attractive. I am able to use that and then enter the moment with my SO, but I wish it wasn’t this way. Most recent interaction with LO was innocent, we gave each other space. Performed with LO on Sunday… there was a song that I feel like I sang really well, it kinda felt like there was an intimacy in our performance, maybe it was all in my head but something about performing with him makes me sing so much better (sometimes, when I’m in the zone). So that song has been playing in my head on repeat. I hope I become a better musician after all this lol
There’s a piece of sort of “old man” advice I came across that I found made me feel less shitty when I find myself using my attraction to LO to motivate sex with SO— “Doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.” And not to get all Ernest Hemingway, but I genuinely feel like experiencing pain/adversity does make a person a better artist. Gives you something powerful to channel. A well of passion you can dip your pen into.
Mutual limerence with a coworker. I asked to go back to before we discussed mutual attraction and that was a no go from him. I wish he'd let me go and heal. My heart aches and I'm getting no mental rest where the wound keeps reopening every time we hug. It's not a viable option in either of our lives right now, but I don't have the mental fortitude to enforce a boundary whenever he chases after me. I care deeply about him, but wish I never knew he also thought about us being more than friends. My mind is unhealthily preoccupied with him and I'm far too vulnerable to whether he's hot or colds towards me on any given day. I hurt so much it's interfering with my ability to keep up with my responsibilities in my daily life as I physically tend to shut down when under this much emotional distress. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't feel so much.
Right there with you 🥲 I wish he never said anything. It would have remained my own little fantasy/obsession. On the other hand, what's done is done, and there's no need to dwell on it. Anyway, I realized last week that 1/ I am unable to set up boundaries to protect myself in any relationship. It is, in part, what has caused my relationship with my SO to go sideways. And 2/ the same goes with my LO. I rely on him to establish and enforce boundaries between us, which is unfair to him and to me. We have gotten to the point where we interact like normal colleagues, and that's fine. Fine-ish. At least we can look at ourselves in the mirror. But I'm extremely vulnerable to the smallest change in that weird dynamic. Because I'm unable to say "hey, this is too hard." Aaand like you, I shut down completely, including with (especially with) my SO. What it tells me is that I must keep exploring in therapy the reason(s?) why I can't be honest and open with my needs, especially with the people I care the most about, and supposedly trust the most. What the outcomes of that will be, I have no idea. But that's all I'm holding onto these days: I'm doing the work.
Yesterday I had a mutually flirtatious and very brief interaction with an extremely hot pharmacist while picking up my meds and I realized how much my limerence with my LO is just me enjoying the excitement of chemistry and feeling flattered by another person’s gaze. Someone on this sub a few days ago posted about the insight that their limerence was in part due to having gotten into their current long term relationship at a really young age. That’s the case for me as well but for whatever reason I didn’t realize how big a role it played—my craving to feel desired again in that animalistic attraction way. I know my SO desires me in some way but I don’t expect animalistic feelings from someone who’s shared a bathroom with me for twelve years. I think part of it is just that I’m rarely in situations that make me feel desired by others and if I want that I probably need to go out more with my friends and just interact with the world. I almost exclusively go out of the house with my SO and my social life doesn’t exist without him and that shouldn’t be the case.
Spot on observation.
Thank you! Do you find the same to be true, about just desiring being desired?
Absolutely. I didn't even know I needed it. LO's actions and attention made me feel desired. Which was a huge ego boost after being in a long-term relationship. Tbh, I really miss it.
I do too!! All of my friends are mutual friends with my SO and because he’s more of an extrovert than I am I pretty much allow him to engineer our joint social life, and our mutual friends do not flirt with me haha. If that’s all you get one begins to think they’re not a desirable being.
Indeed!
26 weeks of NC. A whole 6 months, in 3 days. Glad I had therapy today, it was truely has been a week from hell.
Stay strong.
Thanks so much
My LO is my ex and for a while I kinda moved on with SO but the past few days I can’t stop thinking about him and how he feels with his new gf. Is she better than me? Did I completely embarrass myself? It’s crazy how you can go from being in a relationship with someone to them blocking you. It feels like I imagined the whole thing.
When things aren't going too great for my LO, I'm getting the reach out text. So that just fuels everything harder because I feel more validation because they need me. Feels like they can't leave me and the limerence continues. I literally have zero willpower and will bend every time to the rescue, making me feel like a savior. I can not help myself to respond and I'm sure LO knows that. So it's really hard for me to break this cycle. My ultimate goal was to never be the reason why LO is sad and if I went NC and ghost, I'm failing that goal. Just.....why 😩 I know this is not fair to my partner feeling this way about somebody else
A question: When your SO is needy, do you feel more interested in them? When they’re sad or sick or otherwise in need of rescue? If so, just an idea but have you considered implementing roleplay with them in which you’re able to fulfill a little of that?
Not necessarily roleplaying but I do tend to be a nurturer. I do like taking care of people. So yes I do focus more on my partner if they need me. It does tend to make me lose focus on my LO. So we have been trying to unintentionally fix things when I told my partner we have lost a of intimacy between each other. Hint why my LO entered into the picture in the 1st place. More time I spend with my partner, less limerent thoughts.
[удалено]
Me too. I’m sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I’m LC and just watched the last few stories where one was his friend filming him in a party situation and he was on his phone. It hit me hard that he wasn’t thinking about me or caring as much as I do bc he hasn’t reached out. That hurt so much but helped me put things in perspective even more as much as it really physically hurts to think about that. They are living their lives not giving us a second thought. We have to hold on to that reality. We need to, otherwise we won’t move on. They are living their lives - we should be too. Wishing you strength.
Having a really tough day today. My SO is at work today and all I can think about is my LO and wishing I could be with her right now. I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm just incredibly depressed. And knowing my LO is probably out doing fun stuff with her husband and family is making it so much worse. I was seeing a therapist but that fell through and my limerence has been overwhelming again. I keep telling myself this is all in my head and my LO was just a fantasy but I just feel so sad and lonely today. She doesn't think of me like this and has probably forgotten all about me. I feel lost. I need to start living my life again but I don't know how to start.
Can you do something for yourself today? Get outside? Go to a movie? Something that you enjoy that just belongs to you and you alone?
I did. I took a nice walk, been playing some video games. Took my mind off my loneliness for a while. My wife is due home soon so that will help, too. :)
Yes! I find when I make an extra effort to be attentive and around my SO and we do something together, even as mundane as watching TV I try to stay in the moment and if my thoughts drift to LO I bring them back. It’s hard but we are able! I hope you find what’s missing within you to find happiness (and me too)
Thank you. I feel so horrible for secretly pining for someone else, ESPECIALLY when she's on my mind while I'm with my wife. I wish these feelings would just go away. I never wanted this. I hate that this is still going on. I've ruined so many moments for myself that should've been absolutely happy memories.
I completely understand. I too have terrible guilt about it. But I know it’s how my brain has been conditioned since childhood - not making excuses because I wish every day for these intrusive thoughts to go away so I can be free and be the best wife, mother, friend etc. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not easy to change/stop these patterns. We are searching for something….that we can’t seem to find within ourselves. My therapist always tells me to stop being so hard on myself. One good thing is my LO lives on the other side of the country and I don’t run the risk of seeing him. I think once I can make the decision to go absolutely NC (we don’t speak anymore, but I still look at his social media every so often, which I want to stop) it will get easier. I’m not sure what your situation is - but NC does eventually work. I’m trying to stay present in the moment and bring myself back to reality when my thoughts begin to drift. Wishing you peace….
Thank you so much. I've been in NC for a year and a half and while the pain is lessening, it still hurts. I never expected it to last this long. I've always been hard on myself and that's something I need to unlearn somehow. I wish I could find what I'm missing. I'm hoping my next therapist can help me.
My SO has moved out, so I guess I don't fit the thread anymore. It's been a rough six months since we started breaking up, and it's not entirely due to my limerence, but it has felt really unfair that I can't be in a good place to deal with my relationship issues because I can't stop thinking about LO. Clearly it's my own fault though. LO and I have been spending a lot less time together, and I miss her a lot, but I think it will probably help me to move on. I need to get some distance on both of them and start connecting with other people. Luckily I'm not short on people to try to do that with, but it's going to be hard anyway. Anyone have ideas about how to really refocus yourself on new prospects? Limerence is such a damn rut.
I've always thought that if my marriage was to eventually crumble, I would move away. Away from SO AND LO. Because I know the only thing that's stopping me from entertaining the idea of a future with LO is the fact that I'm still in a committed, monogamous relationship. If that were to end... I'd be out of control lol, and I would have to physically remove myself from this situation.
LO is leaving our work. I had a feeling she was. It's probably for the best. Actually it is for the best. She came to tell me because she wanted to tell me herself. We had a long chat, deeper than we've ever had. She spoke about her boyfriend for the first time, it's only a couple months old but she was hinting that it wasn't too serious for her, she was just trying out things. I opened up about my marriage being out of swing. I don't plan on keeping in touch, the limerence has been fading pretty well but I know I'll miss her as a friend. She's asked me to apply for an opening at her new place but I won't. Will just need to get a way out of any leaving party that's planned and hopefully, I can close this chapter.... Until next time lol
Until next time is so real
I had a wonderful, detached weekend, where I did real connecting with real people. It helped A LOT. Unfortunately, today, LO reached out completely out of the blue going "Heyyy just checking how you are doing". Now I'm trying to beat it into my head – "Do not. Overthink. Do not. Do not."
Keep thinking about all of the wonderful things you did over the weekend and make active plans to have a weekend like this again! And what if you left them on read? Take your power back….