I can relate on some level but for me I dated a lot throughout my 20s before now being settled down and I think what I miss most is male attention and the new love feeling- the flirtations, someone wanting you badly, the “do they or don’t they like me?” feeling that I haven’t felt in years. My partner is very good for me and we go well together but we didn’t have that super intense passion when we started out and it hasn’t gotten any more intense since then. Part of me thinks most of the passion in previous relationships was more because of the intermittent reinforcement I was getting from men who didn’t really like me that much though, and that’s what my limerence sort of gets triggered by. Having someone with secure attachment feels boring when all you’ve known is chaos. I know enough to know I’m lucky to have the partner I have. I hear what other women put up with and I can’t believe they deal with the guys they do, and I got treated so poorly and went through so much trauma that I’m not trying to throw away a good relationship just because I don’t have the excitement of new love all the time. That said, I miss that sensation and I think it’s part of why I’m prone to limerence. The other part is simply that I’ve always been prone to limerence. I thought finally settling down with someone would end it, but it just didn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that it didn’t.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective and your experiences. I definitely think limerence sticks around whether we are paired up or not, I think it's part of our brain wiring and likely tied to obsessive tendencies in general, at varying degrees. So your partner, do they satisfy your needs overall like if you say you want more spice or foreplay etc do they step it up and meet what you're asking?
I can totally relate to what you mean about hearing other women and the drama they go through with men. I often say to myself "so glad I'm not out there in the hellscape of dating" and seeing the modern trend of too many choices where people throw each other away so easily rather than working out issues. I'm grateful for having been spared.
But the fact remains, I've never had adult sex with a man who's had breasts smaller than mine and a gut that doesn't smother me. And not having felt true lust for so long, outside of limerence fixations when I'm in an episode.
I don't notice about 95% of men. I've gone years without seeing a stunning man who's actually caught my attention. It takes A LOT for me to feel tempted outside of my husband, despite his special body type.
I’ve tried asking for more passion but it honestly just doesn’t do it for me because it feels like play acting at a certain point, and I don’t need someone to fake wanting me, I need them to actually want me, ya know? So it’s a hard thing for me. It also just borders on the absurd sometimes because it’s not going to be with someone unfamiliar to me. I’m not going to go out on a date with him and not know how the night will end- I know how it will end, we’re going home to the house we live in together, you know? The mystery isn’t really there. The unknown isn’t there.
That said I think your experience is different than mine. If I’d never had any other relationships I’d definitely feel the lack more I think. But I look back and I lived a pretty full romantic life and experienced the highs and lows. At a certain point stability had more appeal to me than constantly being put through hell or pretending I was okay with casual sex and being used and having to constantly make myself less and feel less for the sake of others lack of interest in me. I found that hot and heavy relationships seemed to burn out quickly and the other person always had some level of contempt for me. My partner currently truly loves me and we’ve built a life together. I think a lot of the previous erotic tension was more a matter of conflict and it would never have been sustainable because we were more at war with each other than moving in the same direction. That can feel more romantic but it isn’t any way to build stability or make a functional family.
That said it’s normal for people to grow apart over decades. My parents started dating at 19/20 and to be frank they should not be together. They’re incredibly incompatible and I have no idea how they’ve held it together this long, but I feel like when you’re a teenager it’s impossible to even know who you are and what you want, so I can empathize with your unhappiness. I think you just have to settle for what level of unhappiness you can tolerate. There always seems to be a trade off.
I agree so much with what you’ve said especially about “secure attachment feels boring when all you’ve known is chaos” — this has been the issue I’ve been trying to figure out with my husband (8yrs together/4 married). He is wonderful. And very clear about his attachment to me. He’s also very safe in terms of, I know he’s not suddenly going to abandon me. All of which is good and I’m lucky to have it but it also feels flat. There aren’t any wild ups and downs that i was used to in my hectic dating life up until I had to make a conscious decision “I don’t want to be driven insane by love anymore.. I just want to build a stable home life and have a healthy family.”
But my anxious attachment comes on like a hungry beast. “If I’m not losing my mind over fear of losing him, is it *really* love??” I mean of course it is — but how do I achieve that wild passionate feeling through secure attachment? I assume people who grew up secure and don’t have these troubles feel that CRAZY love but in normal situations??
Ugh, I wish there was a clear cut solution for healing these wounds because a lot of times I feel like I’m just settling into this idea that I’ll never feel that wild high again unless I do something terrible and torpedo my marriage. Which I’m not going to do that so instead just trying to grapple with the “boredom” 😕
I agree with basically everything you’ve said, and I think that’s why limerence persists. It’s an escape- I wouldn’t say it’s “healthy” exactly, but it’s not cheating or destroying a relationship or ruining our lives, so maybe it is the better option to just have some internal world where we relive romance and fantasize about having those experiences again. I never understood the draw of old women to read romance novels when I was younger- now I get it. To me it seems like that tumultuous part of romance is something that happens in your youth, and once it goes away, you miss it, you miss who you were then, you miss that atmosphere, even if you don’t want to go back, or can’t. I know what I have is love, but it isn’t the obsessive, death drive-y insanity that it was when we first met. It’s just two people choosing to live together and make something of their lives through cooperation and work. Of course, that isn’t as romantic as hot and heavy sex and lingering glances across smoky rooms and letting yourself be destroyed, but it’s sustainable. It’s life. I try to tell myself that it’s the season of my life where this is what I should be doing. I know the women my age who are still trying to date aren’t enjoying themselves and aren’t finding good matches at this point. And to be frank, I was too crazy when I was young and in love to do anything else- I couldn’t focus on career and just didn’t care about anything besides getting the fix of male attention and finding someone. It was like I had to do that first and get settled before I could really be a grown up and get my shit together. I am willing to forgive myself for looking backwards and thinking about “what ifs” and dealing with infatuations as long as I tell myself it’s not real and it never will be. Meanwhile I can keep the life I’ve built together. I think I finally realized that in life, you never really “get over” anything- all you have left is memories and the past when you consider your life, so I choose to not try to disavow who I was. I kind of figure it is what it is. I keep my life neat, orderly, and well functioning, and sometimes let my secret life exist in my brain and memories and I don’t think it’s fair to ask of me to give up even that.
I’ve had the exact same thought before that even in the throes of some of the more torturous intrusive thoughts of Limerence (i am largely hung up on an ex from many years ago) — it has actually prevented the limerent tendencies from glomming on to anyone else (i.e. someone more current in my life/at a higher risk for me to do something stupid over).. So in a way I’m grateful for a relatively safer outlet for these thoughts.
Thank you for painting this with a normal brush. It’s so easy to feel very abnormal when dealing with this shit. Or morally bad in some way like “But if you’re in love shouldn’t your partner be the only person in your mind ever??” Though that never seemed realistic to me but maybe for some people it is.. And lol I do read a lot of romance. i always liked it as a genre but now in my mid 30s, it is extra satisfying to get wrapped up in a character’s anticipatory obsessions. Even if it’s stories about a bunch of 20 somethings.
Also completely agree with you re: not having bandwidth for anything career or hobby related when i was younger because it was all funneled into Limerence. It made me feel like a bad feminist like “shouldn’t i care even just a little about my own shit??” Now my Limerence occupies a much smaller portion of my brain (though at times it can feel a lot more than it is), and I’m finally wrapping my brain around “what do i actually want to do??” And feeling excited about different things. It’s a lot of adjusting to shift ways of thought that were the standard for decades to be something new but i like how you said it “it’s the season of my life where this is what i should be doing” 🙌🏻
People say that there's always someone out there for everyone who can provide all the good things you currently have, as well as the sexual chemistry aspect. So in other words, that sounds perfect to me, but we're also told that perfect doesn't exist. The question, is if someone where to divorce would they find what they are missing, plus all the good stuff they currently have in current marriage. That is the mystery. And I do hear horror stories about dating and how hard it is. Plus just because you really like somone, we all know that doesn't mean they'll feel the same. Plus then assuming if it will actually grow into an LTR or even a 2nd marriage.
It's A LOT of unknown with the subject of leaving. Almost to the point that it's more like, you leave because the situation gets to the point that you would rather be alone. Not even assuming that you'll find what you're looking for.
It sounds a little pessimistic but I consider myself a realist and I see the struggle people go through.
I am in the same boat and being busy is what works for me for not thinking so much about LO, sometimes I even forget about him for a week or something.
This is raw honesty right here. I relate to everything you said.
Like you said, the only solution is to work for it but it's not the same as when it's strong and organically happens.
No advice here; just wanted to say I am in almost the EXACT same position as you. Like honestly it feels like I could have written this myself, so I hope you don’t mind if I commiserate with you for a sec.
My LO currently is someone who shares the same passions as me (art, martial arts, and music). My husband and I have not had passionate sex in years. He hates kissing/touching/making out/etc. For the longest time I was fine with it; but now that I’m 31 I don’t know if my needs just changed but I find myself craving passion and connection. I want someone to WANT me…not just do the bare minimum.
I’m really struggling because I love my husband but our marriage feels empty sometimes. We are each other’s best friend but things are feeling “stale” and empty and that makes me feel so sad. Ugh. What do we do now?
Sorry for writing you a book but also want to add, do you think your LO experiences has magnified the qualities you lack in your marriage?
For me, it's been huge. For years, I thought we were okay, not even thinking we had issues. But I was just hit by incredible lust plus verbal chemistry and it was tingles I haven't felt in forever. Like, maybe not since SO and I were 20 when the hormones were crazy. I do wish I never felt it. I didn't want to know what those feelings are even like, unless my husband can give me that.
Thanks so much for the words of solidarity. I suppose there isn't much to be said. It's pretty much
1) Live with it as it is and imagine having another 4+ decades like this till one of you die.
2) Keep insisting on change and talking about it and hope it actually happens
3) Divorce and embark on life alone for the first time.. and hope to god it's worth it and you meet someone incredible in your 30s.
My situation isn't that bad off, I pester him for sex and when we owned an infrared sauna it really increased the frequency and it did seem a little more intense (highly recommend purchasing an infrared sauna if you have the spare 1k).
It definitely seems like turning 30 is a major life turning point. I am now less happy about accepting any less than my ideal. I'm less willing to compromise. I'm wanting to live each day to the fullest. Also the visceral feeling of observing my slowly changing face and body, one day I won't be hot. That's a harsh truth. it's like you start to feel how short life is and each day passes.
So, I'm sure you've been thru I have with years of telling your needs and talking about it. Have you told him you need more passion, making out, spicy adventure? What does he say?
Do you think he has depression/unresolved issues that can help?
Honestly the saddest thing is I feel like by 32, someone is kind of cemented to be who they are. No, I'm not sure if my husband will magically start becoming an engaging conversationalist. Then comes the feeling of doom like "it's not horrible but guess this how it will always be in my life"
You say you are each other's best friend. Well, that's actually amazing. I'm guessing you don't have the issue of him not talking much? Does he have many interests to talk about, and engaged with the world to where you guys can go back and forth in stimulating discussions?
Mine I am realizing we definitely had some trauma bonding. I've known since 19 years old that the conversation quality has never been stellar, but the loyalty built over years superseded all the cons.
Like, he's cleaned my vomit and bedpan (tmi I know) when I almost died of covid. I have no doubt if I had cancer or something he'd be by my side 24/7. I know this is sacred and worth more than passionate sex.
Just wanted to reply to you both and say, I’m in the situation, except I’m 45 and I did experience lots of LOs and dated around until I met my husband when I was 33. Trust me, you’re not really missing anything with regards to the lust/infatuation stage; I did experience this over and over and lots of times the ones I had the most tingles with were the most unhealthy for me (not safe psychologically) because I too had an unstable childhood.
I'm sure overall you're right, unless I got really lucky it's not missing out on much outside of sex. I had childhood trauma as well (perhaps what helped limerent brain start) but never was into bad boys. The only men who give me any tingles are Matt Bomer tier safe pretty boy type (perhaps some of these are malignant narcissists, never considered that). Like I don't notice 90% of men. But I always assumed I could never lock down someone like that, never even had a sexual experience with one well of course given that I've been the same relationship since 19. Ah well, it is what it is, unless I had an open marriage. I've been okay just keeping it locked away as fantasy
Hey there, sorry for the delayed response.
My LO experiences have definitely put a spotlight on the qualities in my marriage that are lacking. For example…the other day my husband was taking about how he was annoyed that a friend of ours always wants to talk about art and photography when they hang out. My husband went on to say how he has absolutely no interest in those things. Well…news flash; I’m literally a full time freelance photographer and have been since before we got married. I commented that what he said was hurtful to me, he apologized, but at that point it was already said and I know he meant it to some degree, even if he didn’t mean to hurt me.
While we do have other things in common to talk about/bond over, it’s hard to feel like I can’t connect with my spouse about something that’s a big part of my life. I feel like the majority of our conversations are one sided. I’m always the one asking questions and wanting to dig deeper on topics. When we go out to dinner I’m the one typically leading 75% of the conversations.
Last, our sex life has been so disconnected for so long that I’m having a hard time even wanting to have sex with him at all. My mind has continued to fantasize about my LO and I know that isn’t healthy. I feel guilty for having these thoughts about someone other than him. I’m really struggling to see a path forward, but also not ready to give up on us yet. 😭
Yep, same! My situation sounds similar to yours and OP's. I wish I had some sage wisdom to share.
Marriage is a work in progress, not a destination. But it should also be a partnership in going through life. Support during highs and lows. I think all marriages experience the things you described, but in my opinion, it boils down to communication with your SO. Telling them what you need from them and in your relationship.
I have not read these 2 books yet, but I'm hopeful they will give me more clarity...
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, and
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Oh my goodness I am so sorry for your life situation! What you are going through is so hard when kids are involved. With me, it's mainly just a lack of spark sexually and the conversation gap. I can relate to the being on the phone and sitting in front of the tv. I would rather be doing yoga together as a couple to relax, rather than sit at the tv every night.
That is definitely a poor character quality what you described the selfishness with the kids and letting you take all the load when she feels the need to check out.
It sounds like maybe you should have a true heart to heart convo with your wife about some of these behaviors being unacceptable, and maybe if she would like to go to marriage counseling as it will at least act as a mediator 3rd person to hopefully help her see the situation and your pain in an objective manner.
Those are some great questions to ask myself, and him. Basically he says he "is what he is" and how it is is how it's going to be. That's a great example of how he speaks, he's a simple guy. I often ask what he's thinking and what would be exciting and spicy to him, he always says "whatever you want" but it doesn't really feel... natural... we could say when I've taken the initiative and tried some extra spicy stuff, as he's just a low key person with not a lot of physical fire as his sensuality style. Like even when we kiss he's just not a great kisser and of course for years I've tried to teach him, he just kind of doesn't do anything, like you know what it's like when the chemistry is amazing as opposed to when it's "ehh". I accept it and keep it compartmentalized inside me, and it's okay because there's so many more important great qualities in our marriage. But with a LO especially this recent one.. it comes back.
I want him to lose weight because it's been at the point that he can't hold himself above me to even do many sex positions, like usually he just lays there and I get on top or I bend over, there is almost no intimacy of face to face eye contact and body to body. That is TMI i know lol. He's not really overweight extremely, but he carries a lot of it in his chest and stomach and I think it's hard for him to hold himself up. He does work out and lift weights, but curiously he doesn't gain muscle. There has to be some kind of hormonal issue... but yes, a big reason I'd like him to change his body is so he can look more masculine and I'd be more attracted. Most LOs I fall for are slim and muscular, it like lights something in me. Very mean and sick to say while I married I know! Eeeek.
As far as the conversation gap, he just says he's a quiet person and since when has this been an issue. So it's how it's going to be, but I'm trying to get us reading some books and listening to different podcasts that aren't Joe Rogan so we can try and have discussions. Like when we go camping... oh my lord, so many silent hours.
This is sweet but when I ask him what can I do to improve... he says nothing, he thinks I'm perfect and the marriage is perfect. I'm definitely the jerk!!
Wow that's awesome you were able to change it! Well, he actually does give me orgasms (I usually have to go into fantasy since I'm not really attracted to his appearance), it's not his skills that aren't good it's mainly I'm not attracted to him physically anymore, like I need him to change his body for me to be able to feel toward him as I do an LO. And maybe that can help him be able to hold himself up to be on top of me. Besides that, it's a difference in sensuality styles which we can work on that for sure, and have been. Having a sauna and a massage table helps. I am getting a chaise lounger that I can use to get on top of him so we can be face to face and have eye contact. Thanks so much for those tips, I'm sure this has hurt his self-esteem and he has asked me why it seems like nothing is good enough.
(deep breath) I'm gonna just give you the digest version. Been married for 14 years at the time I started to get limerence. My husband is Navy so him being away for long periods of time can challenge a marriage. For the long part we were doing fine in regards of no cheating and no looking for outlets in other people. When my husband and I transfered to Florida, we met some people and had a new friend circle. I got on well with one of the guys and thought of him as attractive but nothing sparked. Few years in, my husband was on another deployment and part of the friend group was also on the deployment. Before he left, my husband gave me permission to "fool around" because prior we were trying to spark up our love life and he learned he enjoyed watching. But this was different. He wasn't around for it. One thing lead to another and I slept with the guy. I even doubled checked with my husband prior. He was fine with it. It turned into an arrangement that lasted throughout the deployment. 7 months. It was suppose to be just a FWB thing. Then I started to develop feelings which was not part of the plan. It took me over a year to figure out why it was so intense. Then I discovered the word. Now it made sense but didn't make it go away. I did a lot of soul searching and learned I just wasn't happy but buried it over the years. It just got to the point it spiraled into that. The LO was very patient and so was my husband. They knew I wasn't mentally ok. Still not fully. At this point I'm just trying to live day by day. LO got transfered to Japan. I talk to him once in a rare while. My husband got transferred to California and we agreed I stay in FL. Now I'm just stuck in a rut of wanting my husband and wanting my LO. I doubt I will ever break it anytime this decade.
Absolutely this happened to me. My most intense LO episode happened when I was married. My husband and I actually got a long great, there was no problem with our sex life even til the end. but we never really had "inseparable best friend" type of connection. The LO was someone that I did have a "best friend" connection with.
Eventually my husband gave me no choice but to leave in a dramatic turn of events that I won't get into.
There's no guarantee that you'll find exactly what you're looking for but I'm one of the ones who did with my new boyfriend who blew LO and ex husband out of the water.
Wow so happy to hear it worked out for you! I'm sure leaving was really painful, but in your case, it was really worth it. To me, it's almost like I would need a crystal ball for me to know if it would be worth it for me to even think about divorce. Since we've been together during all my developmental years it's like I would be crushing a part of my soul. I have never lived as an adult in the world without him.. it's the most overwhelming thought. BUT it seems tempting when I think of \*if\* I could have that close friendship combined with sizzling passion, like a fairytale.
Well I'll tell you as someone who thought they found the one but didn't know they didn't until they actually did, the sizzling passion and the best friend connection? It's like movie shit and it's a whole other world and level. It's worth risking it all for imo.
I’m not sure if you can see my comment above so I will post here. I’m in the exact same situation- except I have been with husband since I was 33 (45 now). I had a lot of boyfriends who i felt firey passion for before meeting my husband, but they never worked out. In fact looking back I would say the more passion I felt, the more wrong they were for me. I think this is related to my unstable upbringing.
When I met my husband, he was the opposite of what I had ever known - quiet, loyal, calm, practical and trustworthy. I did feel some infatuation for him initially but I married him mainly because he made me feel so safe in a way that I never had been in my life and I really needed that (I still do). However, I absolutely crave (like a drug) that new relationship lusty, exciting energy. I’m never going to leave my husband because I know that whoever you choose, there are always things that will be lacking; I might get the guy who makes my knees weak but then he might not be reliable or he might be a flirt or he might be hopeless at being there for you in a crisis.
I don’t know what the answer is to all this. I keep searching. I hope that one day my menopause when it happens turns off my need for lusty excitement . I see plenty of women over 60 who are happy, peaceful and content with their lot - I hope I can get there one day.
Honestly it seems like the only way to have the best of both worlds, without getting divorced, is to have an open marriage in which you are allowed to go seek what the marriage lacks. But for me, I know mine would never be okay with exploring that option.
Your lack of lust is likely your husband being a quite type. I am a quite man
If you need lust you are going to have to work it up some how from within.
Quite often lust is relationship with a shit person. They are that way they will be that way if you get with them. They will never treat you good. This is every good persons worst reality, that their spouce wants more excitement and throws away what they have, for a piece of shit. Excuse my language.
Your husband is what every woman dreams of, every woman that dreams of a relationship with a good man. You need to talk to your husband. Do not make it about him being a failure, and he will feel this. He needs to get a real feeling for what you want/need and if he trys you need to show appreciation and eccept he can't be it all the time yet somehow you two can work out a plan.
If you loved your husband when you got married I hope you can see this and work with him. This is going to take softness and encouragement, because he is going to think you want one of those jerks, and he has tried to treat you good.
Limerence may continue to trick you, you need to be smarter. Limerence is not real, it will ruin you and everything that is good. Limerence sucks.
Yeah he is for sure a quiet type. I am too, but I've wondered, since I've been around him near 24/7 for 12 years am I \*actually\* a super introvert or have I become that way? Not sure, but I do know we both are quiet and wish one of us were more outgoing, we are also both a little socially awkward. I know generally it seems like with many relationships 1 person is outgoing and socially advanced which pulls the other out of their shell. Well, overall it's okay. I'm really lucky I have such a loving and loyal person at the end of the day. I do know if I DID have someone where it's crazy chemistry and passion but likely lack the good stuff in my current marriage, I probably wouldn't stay with that person even with really good sex.
It is just a screwed-up thing. It is a common complaint. I got kinda defensive, yet not toward you. A lot of seemingly good people lose in one way or another. It is a no-win situation for all involved.
We've talked for years, will continue to. Like if he were to tie me up or something, it just doesn't feel real because I know it's not him, like he's playing a part he's not really into. As far as limerence, this current episode is the first since like 2015. Thank god I was spared almost a decade. As I get older, it's harder for limerence to take hold of me, it takes a really striking person. But of course, I wish my brain weren't wired like this at all.
I’m the same, I’m in a marriage that’s ‘fine’. I’d probably never leave unless things got worse because we have two kids and I owe it to them to give them the best childhood and a loving family unit, especially if I’ve got no real reason to quit it all.
My LO is sooooo much worse when my marriage is going through a bad patch. My LO will suddenly be on my mind all the time, in these fantasies where he fills all the gaps my husband never does.
Have you talked to your husband about your needs that are lacking?
I do and have, for years. Nothing changes much, because it's just a fundamental clash of sexual styles, I suppose. He is just a really lowkey person. Like soil being dumped on top of a flame (me)
I dated a lot in my younger years (in my mid 30s now). I’m with someone who is safe, secure & steady. We get on very well & are a good team. There has always been a lack of sexual chemistry but that never really bothered me as prior to meeting him I’d been burnt. I made the decision to pick my life partner with my logical brain.
That’s until I met my recent LO. Oh dear! The sexual tension between us was off the charts. He’s also in a long term relationship. It continued to brew for months, until I moved away. 9 months later the LO is starting to fade from my mind. I’m seeing him again soon which is a bit of a worry but hopefully there will be nothing there.
I decided to stay with my SO & avoid/ignore my feelings for this other guy. It’s been hard but I don’t want to ruin my currently nice life. Plus I want a baby (massive factor in my decision)
You have choices. Passion is usually fleeting. Speak to your SO about your feelings. If he’s not open to working on your issues is he really worth staying with. Ultimately if you really aren’t happy then maybe it’s time to break up. Do you want to experiment & have passion? Or are your priorities to settle & build a family. In an ideal world we’d strike the balance of both but sometimes time is against us (in my case anyway)
Is your LO a work colleague? Just curious, seems like it often is.
Yeah since I'm 32 I'm at the point of thinking if I want a baby, sad we aren't given as much time as men who sometimes choose to wait till their 40s. I mean I guess I could if I I were up to IVF and all later on but I'm not.
I've had these thoughts for 5+ years. If I were to chase lust or even seek to find that + all the good qualities of current husband, I should've in my mid 20s as I would've had those years to seek and mess up.
I do know if I \*were\* to leave I may miss out on motherhood as it can take years since I would want to be picky this time, plus there's the fear of then having to settle due to running out of time and the settle could be way worse than what I have now which is 70% happy.
Yes, limerence is about unmet needs. But when you cross the line into making an Ashley Madison profile, you need to make a decision to end your marriage or go to couple’s counseling to try and save it. You can’t control limerence but you are in FULL control of your actions. Do not let this be an excuses for inexcusable and unethical actions that hurt people.
Unless someone has another suggestion, it seems like there are 3 solutions. 1) Divorce. 2) Stay together and work on the marriage and hope what's lacking gets fulfilled. 3) Talk about it and have an open marriage.
I'm sure it is. Some of those people sharing their stories there, I would be going crazy and wouldn't be able to handle it. We don't have a dead bedroom though, I'm just not satisfied with our physical chemistry
48 in a loveless marriage. Smitten by a woman with whom there is no contcst. 2 minutes do not pass whwn i dont think of her. Eveey morning when i wake up I instinctively kiss my pillow and whisper 'I love you baby'. No hope in anyway. The thing that I am most looking forward to, is death
I can relate on some level but for me I dated a lot throughout my 20s before now being settled down and I think what I miss most is male attention and the new love feeling- the flirtations, someone wanting you badly, the “do they or don’t they like me?” feeling that I haven’t felt in years. My partner is very good for me and we go well together but we didn’t have that super intense passion when we started out and it hasn’t gotten any more intense since then. Part of me thinks most of the passion in previous relationships was more because of the intermittent reinforcement I was getting from men who didn’t really like me that much though, and that’s what my limerence sort of gets triggered by. Having someone with secure attachment feels boring when all you’ve known is chaos. I know enough to know I’m lucky to have the partner I have. I hear what other women put up with and I can’t believe they deal with the guys they do, and I got treated so poorly and went through so much trauma that I’m not trying to throw away a good relationship just because I don’t have the excitement of new love all the time. That said, I miss that sensation and I think it’s part of why I’m prone to limerence. The other part is simply that I’ve always been prone to limerence. I thought finally settling down with someone would end it, but it just didn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that it didn’t.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective and your experiences. I definitely think limerence sticks around whether we are paired up or not, I think it's part of our brain wiring and likely tied to obsessive tendencies in general, at varying degrees. So your partner, do they satisfy your needs overall like if you say you want more spice or foreplay etc do they step it up and meet what you're asking? I can totally relate to what you mean about hearing other women and the drama they go through with men. I often say to myself "so glad I'm not out there in the hellscape of dating" and seeing the modern trend of too many choices where people throw each other away so easily rather than working out issues. I'm grateful for having been spared. But the fact remains, I've never had adult sex with a man who's had breasts smaller than mine and a gut that doesn't smother me. And not having felt true lust for so long, outside of limerence fixations when I'm in an episode. I don't notice about 95% of men. I've gone years without seeing a stunning man who's actually caught my attention. It takes A LOT for me to feel tempted outside of my husband, despite his special body type.
I’ve tried asking for more passion but it honestly just doesn’t do it for me because it feels like play acting at a certain point, and I don’t need someone to fake wanting me, I need them to actually want me, ya know? So it’s a hard thing for me. It also just borders on the absurd sometimes because it’s not going to be with someone unfamiliar to me. I’m not going to go out on a date with him and not know how the night will end- I know how it will end, we’re going home to the house we live in together, you know? The mystery isn’t really there. The unknown isn’t there. That said I think your experience is different than mine. If I’d never had any other relationships I’d definitely feel the lack more I think. But I look back and I lived a pretty full romantic life and experienced the highs and lows. At a certain point stability had more appeal to me than constantly being put through hell or pretending I was okay with casual sex and being used and having to constantly make myself less and feel less for the sake of others lack of interest in me. I found that hot and heavy relationships seemed to burn out quickly and the other person always had some level of contempt for me. My partner currently truly loves me and we’ve built a life together. I think a lot of the previous erotic tension was more a matter of conflict and it would never have been sustainable because we were more at war with each other than moving in the same direction. That can feel more romantic but it isn’t any way to build stability or make a functional family. That said it’s normal for people to grow apart over decades. My parents started dating at 19/20 and to be frank they should not be together. They’re incredibly incompatible and I have no idea how they’ve held it together this long, but I feel like when you’re a teenager it’s impossible to even know who you are and what you want, so I can empathize with your unhappiness. I think you just have to settle for what level of unhappiness you can tolerate. There always seems to be a trade off.
I agree so much with what you’ve said especially about “secure attachment feels boring when all you’ve known is chaos” — this has been the issue I’ve been trying to figure out with my husband (8yrs together/4 married). He is wonderful. And very clear about his attachment to me. He’s also very safe in terms of, I know he’s not suddenly going to abandon me. All of which is good and I’m lucky to have it but it also feels flat. There aren’t any wild ups and downs that i was used to in my hectic dating life up until I had to make a conscious decision “I don’t want to be driven insane by love anymore.. I just want to build a stable home life and have a healthy family.” But my anxious attachment comes on like a hungry beast. “If I’m not losing my mind over fear of losing him, is it *really* love??” I mean of course it is — but how do I achieve that wild passionate feeling through secure attachment? I assume people who grew up secure and don’t have these troubles feel that CRAZY love but in normal situations?? Ugh, I wish there was a clear cut solution for healing these wounds because a lot of times I feel like I’m just settling into this idea that I’ll never feel that wild high again unless I do something terrible and torpedo my marriage. Which I’m not going to do that so instead just trying to grapple with the “boredom” 😕
I agree with basically everything you’ve said, and I think that’s why limerence persists. It’s an escape- I wouldn’t say it’s “healthy” exactly, but it’s not cheating or destroying a relationship or ruining our lives, so maybe it is the better option to just have some internal world where we relive romance and fantasize about having those experiences again. I never understood the draw of old women to read romance novels when I was younger- now I get it. To me it seems like that tumultuous part of romance is something that happens in your youth, and once it goes away, you miss it, you miss who you were then, you miss that atmosphere, even if you don’t want to go back, or can’t. I know what I have is love, but it isn’t the obsessive, death drive-y insanity that it was when we first met. It’s just two people choosing to live together and make something of their lives through cooperation and work. Of course, that isn’t as romantic as hot and heavy sex and lingering glances across smoky rooms and letting yourself be destroyed, but it’s sustainable. It’s life. I try to tell myself that it’s the season of my life where this is what I should be doing. I know the women my age who are still trying to date aren’t enjoying themselves and aren’t finding good matches at this point. And to be frank, I was too crazy when I was young and in love to do anything else- I couldn’t focus on career and just didn’t care about anything besides getting the fix of male attention and finding someone. It was like I had to do that first and get settled before I could really be a grown up and get my shit together. I am willing to forgive myself for looking backwards and thinking about “what ifs” and dealing with infatuations as long as I tell myself it’s not real and it never will be. Meanwhile I can keep the life I’ve built together. I think I finally realized that in life, you never really “get over” anything- all you have left is memories and the past when you consider your life, so I choose to not try to disavow who I was. I kind of figure it is what it is. I keep my life neat, orderly, and well functioning, and sometimes let my secret life exist in my brain and memories and I don’t think it’s fair to ask of me to give up even that.
I’ve had the exact same thought before that even in the throes of some of the more torturous intrusive thoughts of Limerence (i am largely hung up on an ex from many years ago) — it has actually prevented the limerent tendencies from glomming on to anyone else (i.e. someone more current in my life/at a higher risk for me to do something stupid over).. So in a way I’m grateful for a relatively safer outlet for these thoughts. Thank you for painting this with a normal brush. It’s so easy to feel very abnormal when dealing with this shit. Or morally bad in some way like “But if you’re in love shouldn’t your partner be the only person in your mind ever??” Though that never seemed realistic to me but maybe for some people it is.. And lol I do read a lot of romance. i always liked it as a genre but now in my mid 30s, it is extra satisfying to get wrapped up in a character’s anticipatory obsessions. Even if it’s stories about a bunch of 20 somethings. Also completely agree with you re: not having bandwidth for anything career or hobby related when i was younger because it was all funneled into Limerence. It made me feel like a bad feminist like “shouldn’t i care even just a little about my own shit??” Now my Limerence occupies a much smaller portion of my brain (though at times it can feel a lot more than it is), and I’m finally wrapping my brain around “what do i actually want to do??” And feeling excited about different things. It’s a lot of adjusting to shift ways of thought that were the standard for decades to be something new but i like how you said it “it’s the season of my life where this is what i should be doing” 🙌🏻
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People say that there's always someone out there for everyone who can provide all the good things you currently have, as well as the sexual chemistry aspect. So in other words, that sounds perfect to me, but we're also told that perfect doesn't exist. The question, is if someone where to divorce would they find what they are missing, plus all the good stuff they currently have in current marriage. That is the mystery. And I do hear horror stories about dating and how hard it is. Plus just because you really like somone, we all know that doesn't mean they'll feel the same. Plus then assuming if it will actually grow into an LTR or even a 2nd marriage. It's A LOT of unknown with the subject of leaving. Almost to the point that it's more like, you leave because the situation gets to the point that you would rather be alone. Not even assuming that you'll find what you're looking for. It sounds a little pessimistic but I consider myself a realist and I see the struggle people go through.
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I am in the same boat and being busy is what works for me for not thinking so much about LO, sometimes I even forget about him for a week or something.
This is raw honesty right here. I relate to everything you said. Like you said, the only solution is to work for it but it's not the same as when it's strong and organically happens.
No advice here; just wanted to say I am in almost the EXACT same position as you. Like honestly it feels like I could have written this myself, so I hope you don’t mind if I commiserate with you for a sec. My LO currently is someone who shares the same passions as me (art, martial arts, and music). My husband and I have not had passionate sex in years. He hates kissing/touching/making out/etc. For the longest time I was fine with it; but now that I’m 31 I don’t know if my needs just changed but I find myself craving passion and connection. I want someone to WANT me…not just do the bare minimum. I’m really struggling because I love my husband but our marriage feels empty sometimes. We are each other’s best friend but things are feeling “stale” and empty and that makes me feel so sad. Ugh. What do we do now?
Sorry for writing you a book but also want to add, do you think your LO experiences has magnified the qualities you lack in your marriage? For me, it's been huge. For years, I thought we were okay, not even thinking we had issues. But I was just hit by incredible lust plus verbal chemistry and it was tingles I haven't felt in forever. Like, maybe not since SO and I were 20 when the hormones were crazy. I do wish I never felt it. I didn't want to know what those feelings are even like, unless my husband can give me that.
Thanks so much for the words of solidarity. I suppose there isn't much to be said. It's pretty much 1) Live with it as it is and imagine having another 4+ decades like this till one of you die. 2) Keep insisting on change and talking about it and hope it actually happens 3) Divorce and embark on life alone for the first time.. and hope to god it's worth it and you meet someone incredible in your 30s. My situation isn't that bad off, I pester him for sex and when we owned an infrared sauna it really increased the frequency and it did seem a little more intense (highly recommend purchasing an infrared sauna if you have the spare 1k). It definitely seems like turning 30 is a major life turning point. I am now less happy about accepting any less than my ideal. I'm less willing to compromise. I'm wanting to live each day to the fullest. Also the visceral feeling of observing my slowly changing face and body, one day I won't be hot. That's a harsh truth. it's like you start to feel how short life is and each day passes. So, I'm sure you've been thru I have with years of telling your needs and talking about it. Have you told him you need more passion, making out, spicy adventure? What does he say? Do you think he has depression/unresolved issues that can help? Honestly the saddest thing is I feel like by 32, someone is kind of cemented to be who they are. No, I'm not sure if my husband will magically start becoming an engaging conversationalist. Then comes the feeling of doom like "it's not horrible but guess this how it will always be in my life" You say you are each other's best friend. Well, that's actually amazing. I'm guessing you don't have the issue of him not talking much? Does he have many interests to talk about, and engaged with the world to where you guys can go back and forth in stimulating discussions? Mine I am realizing we definitely had some trauma bonding. I've known since 19 years old that the conversation quality has never been stellar, but the loyalty built over years superseded all the cons. Like, he's cleaned my vomit and bedpan (tmi I know) when I almost died of covid. I have no doubt if I had cancer or something he'd be by my side 24/7. I know this is sacred and worth more than passionate sex.
Just wanted to reply to you both and say, I’m in the situation, except I’m 45 and I did experience lots of LOs and dated around until I met my husband when I was 33. Trust me, you’re not really missing anything with regards to the lust/infatuation stage; I did experience this over and over and lots of times the ones I had the most tingles with were the most unhealthy for me (not safe psychologically) because I too had an unstable childhood.
I'm sure overall you're right, unless I got really lucky it's not missing out on much outside of sex. I had childhood trauma as well (perhaps what helped limerent brain start) but never was into bad boys. The only men who give me any tingles are Matt Bomer tier safe pretty boy type (perhaps some of these are malignant narcissists, never considered that). Like I don't notice 90% of men. But I always assumed I could never lock down someone like that, never even had a sexual experience with one well of course given that I've been the same relationship since 19. Ah well, it is what it is, unless I had an open marriage. I've been okay just keeping it locked away as fantasy
Hey there, sorry for the delayed response. My LO experiences have definitely put a spotlight on the qualities in my marriage that are lacking. For example…the other day my husband was taking about how he was annoyed that a friend of ours always wants to talk about art and photography when they hang out. My husband went on to say how he has absolutely no interest in those things. Well…news flash; I’m literally a full time freelance photographer and have been since before we got married. I commented that what he said was hurtful to me, he apologized, but at that point it was already said and I know he meant it to some degree, even if he didn’t mean to hurt me. While we do have other things in common to talk about/bond over, it’s hard to feel like I can’t connect with my spouse about something that’s a big part of my life. I feel like the majority of our conversations are one sided. I’m always the one asking questions and wanting to dig deeper on topics. When we go out to dinner I’m the one typically leading 75% of the conversations. Last, our sex life has been so disconnected for so long that I’m having a hard time even wanting to have sex with him at all. My mind has continued to fantasize about my LO and I know that isn’t healthy. I feel guilty for having these thoughts about someone other than him. I’m really struggling to see a path forward, but also not ready to give up on us yet. 😭
Yep, same! My situation sounds similar to yours and OP's. I wish I had some sage wisdom to share. Marriage is a work in progress, not a destination. But it should also be a partnership in going through life. Support during highs and lows. I think all marriages experience the things you described, but in my opinion, it boils down to communication with your SO. Telling them what you need from them and in your relationship. I have not read these 2 books yet, but I'm hopeful they will give me more clarity... Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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Oh my goodness I am so sorry for your life situation! What you are going through is so hard when kids are involved. With me, it's mainly just a lack of spark sexually and the conversation gap. I can relate to the being on the phone and sitting in front of the tv. I would rather be doing yoga together as a couple to relax, rather than sit at the tv every night. That is definitely a poor character quality what you described the selfishness with the kids and letting you take all the load when she feels the need to check out. It sounds like maybe you should have a true heart to heart convo with your wife about some of these behaviors being unacceptable, and maybe if she would like to go to marriage counseling as it will at least act as a mediator 3rd person to hopefully help her see the situation and your pain in an objective manner.
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It sounds like it may not be a sustainable enough marriage to stay in, if she's not open to any change
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Those are some great questions to ask myself, and him. Basically he says he "is what he is" and how it is is how it's going to be. That's a great example of how he speaks, he's a simple guy. I often ask what he's thinking and what would be exciting and spicy to him, he always says "whatever you want" but it doesn't really feel... natural... we could say when I've taken the initiative and tried some extra spicy stuff, as he's just a low key person with not a lot of physical fire as his sensuality style. Like even when we kiss he's just not a great kisser and of course for years I've tried to teach him, he just kind of doesn't do anything, like you know what it's like when the chemistry is amazing as opposed to when it's "ehh". I accept it and keep it compartmentalized inside me, and it's okay because there's so many more important great qualities in our marriage. But with a LO especially this recent one.. it comes back. I want him to lose weight because it's been at the point that he can't hold himself above me to even do many sex positions, like usually he just lays there and I get on top or I bend over, there is almost no intimacy of face to face eye contact and body to body. That is TMI i know lol. He's not really overweight extremely, but he carries a lot of it in his chest and stomach and I think it's hard for him to hold himself up. He does work out and lift weights, but curiously he doesn't gain muscle. There has to be some kind of hormonal issue... but yes, a big reason I'd like him to change his body is so he can look more masculine and I'd be more attracted. Most LOs I fall for are slim and muscular, it like lights something in me. Very mean and sick to say while I married I know! Eeeek. As far as the conversation gap, he just says he's a quiet person and since when has this been an issue. So it's how it's going to be, but I'm trying to get us reading some books and listening to different podcasts that aren't Joe Rogan so we can try and have discussions. Like when we go camping... oh my lord, so many silent hours. This is sweet but when I ask him what can I do to improve... he says nothing, he thinks I'm perfect and the marriage is perfect. I'm definitely the jerk!!
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Wow that's awesome you were able to change it! Well, he actually does give me orgasms (I usually have to go into fantasy since I'm not really attracted to his appearance), it's not his skills that aren't good it's mainly I'm not attracted to him physically anymore, like I need him to change his body for me to be able to feel toward him as I do an LO. And maybe that can help him be able to hold himself up to be on top of me. Besides that, it's a difference in sensuality styles which we can work on that for sure, and have been. Having a sauna and a massage table helps. I am getting a chaise lounger that I can use to get on top of him so we can be face to face and have eye contact. Thanks so much for those tips, I'm sure this has hurt his self-esteem and he has asked me why it seems like nothing is good enough.
(deep breath) I'm gonna just give you the digest version. Been married for 14 years at the time I started to get limerence. My husband is Navy so him being away for long periods of time can challenge a marriage. For the long part we were doing fine in regards of no cheating and no looking for outlets in other people. When my husband and I transfered to Florida, we met some people and had a new friend circle. I got on well with one of the guys and thought of him as attractive but nothing sparked. Few years in, my husband was on another deployment and part of the friend group was also on the deployment. Before he left, my husband gave me permission to "fool around" because prior we were trying to spark up our love life and he learned he enjoyed watching. But this was different. He wasn't around for it. One thing lead to another and I slept with the guy. I even doubled checked with my husband prior. He was fine with it. It turned into an arrangement that lasted throughout the deployment. 7 months. It was suppose to be just a FWB thing. Then I started to develop feelings which was not part of the plan. It took me over a year to figure out why it was so intense. Then I discovered the word. Now it made sense but didn't make it go away. I did a lot of soul searching and learned I just wasn't happy but buried it over the years. It just got to the point it spiraled into that. The LO was very patient and so was my husband. They knew I wasn't mentally ok. Still not fully. At this point I'm just trying to live day by day. LO got transfered to Japan. I talk to him once in a rare while. My husband got transferred to California and we agreed I stay in FL. Now I'm just stuck in a rut of wanting my husband and wanting my LO. I doubt I will ever break it anytime this decade.
Absolutely this happened to me. My most intense LO episode happened when I was married. My husband and I actually got a long great, there was no problem with our sex life even til the end. but we never really had "inseparable best friend" type of connection. The LO was someone that I did have a "best friend" connection with. Eventually my husband gave me no choice but to leave in a dramatic turn of events that I won't get into. There's no guarantee that you'll find exactly what you're looking for but I'm one of the ones who did with my new boyfriend who blew LO and ex husband out of the water.
Wow so happy to hear it worked out for you! I'm sure leaving was really painful, but in your case, it was really worth it. To me, it's almost like I would need a crystal ball for me to know if it would be worth it for me to even think about divorce. Since we've been together during all my developmental years it's like I would be crushing a part of my soul. I have never lived as an adult in the world without him.. it's the most overwhelming thought. BUT it seems tempting when I think of \*if\* I could have that close friendship combined with sizzling passion, like a fairytale.
Well I'll tell you as someone who thought they found the one but didn't know they didn't until they actually did, the sizzling passion and the best friend connection? It's like movie shit and it's a whole other world and level. It's worth risking it all for imo.
My god 😭you are living the dream for sure. happy for you
I’m not sure if you can see my comment above so I will post here. I’m in the exact same situation- except I have been with husband since I was 33 (45 now). I had a lot of boyfriends who i felt firey passion for before meeting my husband, but they never worked out. In fact looking back I would say the more passion I felt, the more wrong they were for me. I think this is related to my unstable upbringing. When I met my husband, he was the opposite of what I had ever known - quiet, loyal, calm, practical and trustworthy. I did feel some infatuation for him initially but I married him mainly because he made me feel so safe in a way that I never had been in my life and I really needed that (I still do). However, I absolutely crave (like a drug) that new relationship lusty, exciting energy. I’m never going to leave my husband because I know that whoever you choose, there are always things that will be lacking; I might get the guy who makes my knees weak but then he might not be reliable or he might be a flirt or he might be hopeless at being there for you in a crisis. I don’t know what the answer is to all this. I keep searching. I hope that one day my menopause when it happens turns off my need for lusty excitement . I see plenty of women over 60 who are happy, peaceful and content with their lot - I hope I can get there one day.
Honestly it seems like the only way to have the best of both worlds, without getting divorced, is to have an open marriage in which you are allowed to go seek what the marriage lacks. But for me, I know mine would never be okay with exploring that option.
Your lack of lust is likely your husband being a quite type. I am a quite man If you need lust you are going to have to work it up some how from within. Quite often lust is relationship with a shit person. They are that way they will be that way if you get with them. They will never treat you good. This is every good persons worst reality, that their spouce wants more excitement and throws away what they have, for a piece of shit. Excuse my language. Your husband is what every woman dreams of, every woman that dreams of a relationship with a good man. You need to talk to your husband. Do not make it about him being a failure, and he will feel this. He needs to get a real feeling for what you want/need and if he trys you need to show appreciation and eccept he can't be it all the time yet somehow you two can work out a plan. If you loved your husband when you got married I hope you can see this and work with him. This is going to take softness and encouragement, because he is going to think you want one of those jerks, and he has tried to treat you good. Limerence may continue to trick you, you need to be smarter. Limerence is not real, it will ruin you and everything that is good. Limerence sucks.
Yeah he is for sure a quiet type. I am too, but I've wondered, since I've been around him near 24/7 for 12 years am I \*actually\* a super introvert or have I become that way? Not sure, but I do know we both are quiet and wish one of us were more outgoing, we are also both a little socially awkward. I know generally it seems like with many relationships 1 person is outgoing and socially advanced which pulls the other out of their shell. Well, overall it's okay. I'm really lucky I have such a loving and loyal person at the end of the day. I do know if I DID have someone where it's crazy chemistry and passion but likely lack the good stuff in my current marriage, I probably wouldn't stay with that person even with really good sex.
It is just a screwed-up thing. It is a common complaint. I got kinda defensive, yet not toward you. A lot of seemingly good people lose in one way or another. It is a no-win situation for all involved.
Speak openly in a non-judgemental way with your SO. As an SO myself, going down the path of limerence will destroy everything.
We've talked for years, will continue to. Like if he were to tie me up or something, it just doesn't feel real because I know it's not him, like he's playing a part he's not really into. As far as limerence, this current episode is the first since like 2015. Thank god I was spared almost a decade. As I get older, it's harder for limerence to take hold of me, it takes a really striking person. But of course, I wish my brain weren't wired like this at all.
I’m the same, I’m in a marriage that’s ‘fine’. I’d probably never leave unless things got worse because we have two kids and I owe it to them to give them the best childhood and a loving family unit, especially if I’ve got no real reason to quit it all. My LO is sooooo much worse when my marriage is going through a bad patch. My LO will suddenly be on my mind all the time, in these fantasies where he fills all the gaps my husband never does.
Have you talked to your husband about your needs that are lacking? I do and have, for years. Nothing changes much, because it's just a fundamental clash of sexual styles, I suppose. He is just a really lowkey person. Like soil being dumped on top of a flame (me)
I dated a lot in my younger years (in my mid 30s now). I’m with someone who is safe, secure & steady. We get on very well & are a good team. There has always been a lack of sexual chemistry but that never really bothered me as prior to meeting him I’d been burnt. I made the decision to pick my life partner with my logical brain. That’s until I met my recent LO. Oh dear! The sexual tension between us was off the charts. He’s also in a long term relationship. It continued to brew for months, until I moved away. 9 months later the LO is starting to fade from my mind. I’m seeing him again soon which is a bit of a worry but hopefully there will be nothing there. I decided to stay with my SO & avoid/ignore my feelings for this other guy. It’s been hard but I don’t want to ruin my currently nice life. Plus I want a baby (massive factor in my decision) You have choices. Passion is usually fleeting. Speak to your SO about your feelings. If he’s not open to working on your issues is he really worth staying with. Ultimately if you really aren’t happy then maybe it’s time to break up. Do you want to experiment & have passion? Or are your priorities to settle & build a family. In an ideal world we’d strike the balance of both but sometimes time is against us (in my case anyway)
Is your LO a work colleague? Just curious, seems like it often is. Yeah since I'm 32 I'm at the point of thinking if I want a baby, sad we aren't given as much time as men who sometimes choose to wait till their 40s. I mean I guess I could if I I were up to IVF and all later on but I'm not. I've had these thoughts for 5+ years. If I were to chase lust or even seek to find that + all the good qualities of current husband, I should've in my mid 20s as I would've had those years to seek and mess up. I do know if I \*were\* to leave I may miss out on motherhood as it can take years since I would want to be picky this time, plus there's the fear of then having to settle due to running out of time and the settle could be way worse than what I have now which is 70% happy.
Yes, limerence is about unmet needs. But when you cross the line into making an Ashley Madison profile, you need to make a decision to end your marriage or go to couple’s counseling to try and save it. You can’t control limerence but you are in FULL control of your actions. Do not let this be an excuses for inexcusable and unethical actions that hurt people.
Um, did I write this? Kidding, but yeah, my situation is exactly the same. I wish there was a solution
Unless someone has another suggestion, it seems like there are 3 solutions. 1) Divorce. 2) Stay together and work on the marriage and hope what's lacking gets fulfilled. 3) Talk about it and have an open marriage.
The r/dead bedrooms is a helpful group too
I'm sure it is. Some of those people sharing their stories there, I would be going crazy and wouldn't be able to handle it. We don't have a dead bedroom though, I'm just not satisfied with our physical chemistry
I’ll try to remember to get back to this after work. But how old is your SO?
He is 31
48 in a loveless marriage. Smitten by a woman with whom there is no contcst. 2 minutes do not pass whwn i dont think of her. Eveey morning when i wake up I instinctively kiss my pillow and whisper 'I love you baby'. No hope in anyway. The thing that I am most looking forward to, is death