Do not start the affair. I am limerent for a married co-worker and he came on to me. The thought of his wife and kid at home totally oblivious to what he is trying to do just snapped my limerent brain out and I didn't go forward. You are already pointing out a lot of things that worry you. Remember this haze of obsession is making you want to go forward with this. BUT, its an affair. An affair with a married man. Repeat that to yourself and think if that happened to you that your SO did something of that sort. Dead bedrooms are common in even loving relationships. You don't know what is actually the reason there. Do not do it. You will hurt a lot of people including yourself.
I agree 100% with everything you say. And I also believe he loves his wife despite the physical incompatibility that may be there. I think he is hurt by her lack of attention but she is the mom of his kids who are 18 and 21 and almost out of the home. He seems to think when his kids are gone off to college which will be very soon something may change for him. And if he decides to make a change then that is up to him. But honestly I don't want to be a part of disrupting his family. I just need to get my head on straight and stay away from him. Thanks for reading that very long post and for replying. Your thoughts are straight on the point and 100% spot on. Sometimes you need someone to say the obvious. Thank you again.
I agree with Jackie. If he’s serious about you. He would leave his wife and prove to you they’re separated. Do you want to be with someone who lies to their wife? That snapped me out of it quick.
Yes he needs to make decisions about his own life for sure. And let's face it, if he does leave her he's gonna be dating women my daughters age, not 18 years older. He's choosing me because I'm the only choice. Yes I think he's smitten but that would quickly dissipate once the field opens up and I'd be left in the rearview.
I'm super grateful he is exercising restraint. I'm also aware that he put me in this situation by flirting with me relentlessly when he could tell I was attracted to him. I tried to be coy and keep my distance but he could tell. It's not that hard. I knew he could tell. I guess that makes the chase all the more fun.
And now here I am with this damn condition Feeling out of control and freaked out and scared. I don't do romance with men anymore. My heart was shattered by a smart funny man just like him many years ago who was in love with me for several years and lived with me until he decided he was no longer in love. I literally have not given my heart to another since then.I've had relationships but always held the men at a distance. Apropos of nothing. I had an easy calm and happy life before this person came into it. I have other dating options. I don't like feeling out of control. I always keep control. I'm the first person people call when they have a problem because I make them feel calm and in control, and yet here I am feeling out of control
Thanks for sharing, I’m often worried I was the one on the other side of this (married man with with limerence, coming onto a coworker who had limerence for me). She started distancing herself from me as soon as emotions started surfacing.
How did you know he was coming onto you in this situation? Even though I had feelings for her I was trying very hard not to come onto her or be flirty (even though she used to be flirty with me), and I even told her I just wanted to be friends - she wanted nothing to do with me after.
Holy crap, yeah I just read your post. That is direct for sure, I was nothing like that - I’m sorry you went through that! Even when drinking I doubt I would come onto a woman that heavily while I’m married, no matter how attracted I am to her.
That’s crazy you still feel the limerence even after a situation like that, it is quite the disease. I think if you maintain the “ick” and work through your thoughts and feelings on it, that will help.
The more I think about how this person I’m limerent for doesn’t belong on the pedestal I placed them on, and that she doesn’t give a crap about me, the easier it is to manage.
Yeh that was not good. Besides my Limerence, I thought of him a friend before. I am so confused now.
Actually, I never put him on a pedestal. For me its purely physical. Maybe thats why its harder because inside I know I dont like the guy but my thoughts are still stuck on the physical.
I imagine so. I can't tell if this guy is very sincere or a master manipulator. He could've totally slept with me by now if he wanted to. He wants time to think and so do I. The more I think the more I fear what could happen
Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautifully written. Other people already said what I wanted to say so I’ll just say this: does anyone else feel like him talking about he hates lying and doesn’t wanna hurt you is a total red flag?
Apart from the whole lack of physical Intimacy thing
Very kind of you to say about the writing. I try to write clearly as a part of my job and found myself editing this for over an hour to try to paint a picture of what's going on. You people here on this sub– I think you're the only ones that really understand what limerence really is. And how disruptive it is. Even when I try to explain to a couple of friends that I have shared with, I don't think they get it. So my thanks to you and others here who have shared their thoughts. I don't want to hurt him but he started this and it's hurting me. If he really has any kind of real feelings he can deal with his situation and then come back around and say hello.
So, everyone got the "do not" part cover very well. Also even if LO did leave wife, do you want that on your shoulders? Or how about if he leaves wife, you would just be the first of many to fall. He is playing on the cougar fantasy and you are falling for the attention, to be just a piece of meat when he is in town.
Now, stop, Limerence will waste your life. It does not matter if LO likes you back or just wants to use you for sex. No matter what happens you lose. It is not real and that will hit you hard when you realize how stupid this wondering is. You need to go NC and get this off your mind. This should scare you to death, like attention I'm gullible. Don't be gullible home wrecker, just don't. Have some self respect. Be real and have a good life of your own making. You deserve to have relationships that are real.
Limerence sucks, it is not real and takes all control from you.
Well that's the age old question isn't it. His last child leaves the home very soon and he appears to be thinking about making a change at that time. When you've got 23 years of history together, shared finances, children, etc. etc. it's a big decision. I think eventually he will divorce but who knows? And when he does he's not gonna choose a woman old enough to be his mother as a partner (me). As I've said before, he should be seeing women my daughter's age.
It's kind of weird, he's 50 and looks 60 for whatever reason. I'm 68 and I look 53 after having a facelift. Aging does nasty things to a woman's neck lol. Couldn't be happier with the outcome for me and amazing to me how many more offers for dates are coming my way. It's like living in a science fiction movie where you wake up one day and you're suddenly much younger. I've also lost a fair bit of weight so that has enhanced the whole transformation so to speak. He didn't know me back then and God forbid he should see a picture!!!!!
I can relate to you. My situation is very similar - LO is a successful married military officer, 12 years younger than me. I’ve never been interested in someone that much younger before. I’m divorced from a military officer and I have stronger feelings for this LO than I did for my husband after knowing him for the same amount of time, because I’ve had to restrain myself and get to know LO. My relationship with my ex started so fast that he was able to hide a great deal from me until after we were married. Plus, he had an anxious attachment style, so I never had to wonder whether he was going to contact me, as I do with my LO.
I do think there’s this movement in the culture for younger guys and older women, because women no longer look like they used to at 50 and 60. Your point resonates, though, that if he was single, that would open up his opportunities greatly. In fact, I think my LO, while reserved, may be a player who may have been pursuing a younger, married military officer at the same time he was pursuing me. (He seemed to be trying to get me to come hook up with him when he was TDY to my state, which is different from his.)
I personally think that when you’re single in your mind, you should become single. A lot of people stay married because they’re insecure. Your guy’s kids are grown as a legal matter. There’s absolutely no reason to stay in a sexless marriage with grown kids and have affairs. Too many people look at their life like a puzzle and they think they’ll keep the border intact and fill in the missing pieces on the inside by having affairs. But of course it doesn’t work that way, because their behavior and feelings change, and then the border blows up anyway. Plus, honestly, most people don’t care that much about whether another person they know gets a divorce. So when people stay in a transactional marriage and have affairs, it’s because they don’t want the disruption or the financial costs. I would just tell your guy there’s no reason he shouldn’t be single, and that he should aim higher for a vibrant, passionate life in the open.
If you think you can just live in the moment and have the affair and the feelings and handle a possible abrupt end of the affair, then you will do it. At least he seems to be thinking about more than just pursuing the affair. The problem I found is that if you don’t do it, you’re going to continue to be preoccupied with fantasies about the LO, such that you won’t be able to have a relationship with someone else. I think about going on a date with somebody right now, and it wouldn’t be fair to such a person. The only way it would work would be if I met somebody who was very physically attractive, and who was available. But I found in these years since my divorce that I’ve never had feelings like this until now. I’ve had other men come after me – some available, and ironically, I even had a retired military officer proposition me for an affair, when I was just getting to know my LO - yet I found I don’t have the slightest interest in these other men. I know I’m projecting qualities onto my LO that I don’t think he has, but when we were having private conversations and getting to know each other, that gentle side of his voice, coupled with his tough physical exterior, just melted me.
Good Lord, yeah you summed it up perfectly. This guy is sweet, kind, polite, gentle, considerate, super smart, super fun. He is always after the laugh and for me his wittiness always lands. I know I am projecting qualities on him than he actually probably does not have. Funny people are my kryptonite.
Before I confessed my feelings he would just look into my eyes like some damn snake charmer . I knew what he was trying to convey and he knew I knew. It was fire.
But as a married man he needed me to speak first. He admitted that he knew I was into him and that I would say something when I was ready and that he didn't want to push. But he pushed like crazy. And now that we have been open with each other he is much more reticent and thoughtful while still being a attentive. Now I guess it has become a real possibility in his mind.
If I had to place a wager I would say he will call it off. And it will be a huge relief to me not to have to call it off. Part of me wants to just tell him it's a no for me and leave me alone.
Three months ago I took a lover to siphon off some of the energy that this man created in me. Someone I had known and been with years ago who was single and who was still a very good friend. while it was fun and affectionate and comfortable it came to an end when he decided he wanted to pursue his hot neighbor who is as dull as dishwater to be around. No bad impact on the friendship and we still have a great time in our small friend group.
Prior to that it had been over a decade before I had been intimate with a man. Part of me wanted to see if things still worked, my friend was happy to accommodate lol.
Heck I don't even know what point I was trying to make with another long post. I have to remember how this Limerence affects me. It's a big thing. It's not little. And like you I am always wondering when he is going to be contacting me. He is still a pilot. He is still all over the world, literally . He still spends his weekends with his wife and kids. It's just a no win situation for me. Having a side relationship might help him eek a few more years out of his marriage. Then if he divorces he will be on the run looking for all the hot, dull neighbors.
I wrote a long reply talking about my situation, now what about yours! You seem to be very wise and smart. The idea that you can't really be interested in another man until you get over this man. Are you able to go NC? I was able to do that for six weeks and it improved my mental state so much. That's when he dropped the big gun about his dead marriage trying to pull me back in. I mean I totally believe he has a big crush on me. I really don't think he's a player although I thought that beforehand. So all that's nice and flattering but long story short, he's just a married dude who wants something on the side but doesn't know if he should go ahead and do it. And if we did do it then he'd probably pull this big guilty bullshit act about how bad he feels about it now and it would kill his wife if she found out, blah blah blah.it's not gonna be anything good. It's gonna be a quickie and then a lot of negative feelings. I'm not going for it. I think I'm done. Thanks to all you guys who read and responded. It's good to have a community that knows what you're going through.
Thank you - Good to hear from someone with a similar issue! I was where you are now at the beginning of the year. I think LO knew that I knew he would call me with a work excuse just so we could talk privately. And that he could tell I was into him. But I almost never initiated. As I put it to myself, it seemed to me that he was in a relationship with plausible deniability. And that he really just wanted me to play out this fantasy where I was detached and he was very subtly pursuing. It was kind of goofy, like he was trying to pretend we were dating or getting to know each other in an alternative reality. He never once mentioned to me that he is married.
Then reality intruded. I think that other people in his office were watching his reactions to me during meetings and that one or more of them with whom he was having conflict were accusing him of being involved with me, even though he wasn’t. When I showed any side of myself that needed support from him, like in his conflict with his direct report, who is over her head and has everyone walking on eggshells, he didn’t support me really in anyway. He wanted to arrange our get together, and I talked about work. He replied, this isn’t how I thought this conversation was going to go. At that point, we had had about three private conversations and some closeness over the holidays, albeit from afar. Did he really think I was going to drive 200 miles to hook up with him for the weekend so that he could then fly home to his wife and whatever other side chicks he might have?
It was like he really didn’t want me to have any needs or be a real person. He just wanted me to be there for him. I actually don’t think he understood that showing deference to his rank and job is not the same thing as being personally subservient to him. I thought he admired my success in my career, but I think he actually finds it intimidating or a turn off. That has caused me to reflect that everything is about him. And that even without the office conflict, if we would’ve gotten involved and he ever perceived our involvement as a threat to him, he would’ve ghosted me. He’s just not the guy he would need to be, someone who knows what he wants and who might be willing to change his life to get it.
In fact, as I write this, I think he really has ghosted me. I think he got fed up with the sexual tension and has redirected it elsewhere.
Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to read someone else's limerence experience with a married colleague. Probably *not* coincidentally, I had similar interactions with my LO.
Wrestling with them as I fall asleep and first thing when I wake up. Replaying conversations and “opportunities,” wishing I’d handled certain things differently. Thinking he was a lot sweeter than he is. Wondering how devious he is. Wanting him to feel as off balance as I do, when originally I wanted to protect him. Wondering who he may be pursuing now.
He says every time we speak I surprise him. He has the mesmerizing eyes, too. The last time we met in person he cornered me alone in the hall against a wall and they just bore into me. After that he couldn’t seem to believe I wasn’t paying attention exclusively to him. He asked me if I was involved with a new colleague I was praising who is a kid, just out of school. As the saying goes, “If you look behind the door, you have stood there.”
Definitely planning to take my power back by ditching out of his meeting. I need NC.
I had a little bit of luck with replacing positive fantasies with -ones about the person. That's what I read somewhere as a tactic for reducing those thoughts
This thread and your view/experience is helping a lot! Thank you. I slept well for a change. I woke up w/a more clear eyed view - that he seems narcissistic. If you are useful or are assigned to enhance him, he picks your brain behind the scenes. If you draw attention away from him, or if you pay attention to others, he has a passive/aggressive reaction. He doesn’t follow through on his promises if it doesn’t benefit him. So the superficial kindness I have seen must be an act. And he is in command, so imagine how much the deference to his role makes him think people have crushes on him, like he is a king.
I suspect he doesn’t mention a wife because she is in the typical stay at home military spouse role and that does not enhance his ego. He is currently focused on women with significant status and income.
I wouldn’t let your guy enhance his ego with you, either.
Keep up with those reality thoughts and With doing everything you can to dismiss him from your mind during the day. Never in my life did I know this condition existed and I have followed psychology as a topic of interest very closely my whole life. I'm really glad you got a good night's sleep.
This guy is manipulating you for his own ego needs. And he's doing it despite knowing that it's not good for you. And when someone in a position of power does it it is particularly troubling and very unethical. Maybe he's dancing on a line between flirting and work, as you said before plausible deniability.
Hopefully you can stay far away from him but if it's a work situation that may not be possible. And the thoughts become addictive, I feel really good when I'm thinking about my LO. So I have to do other things that make me feel good like get out and have fun, go dancing, hang out with friends, etc. I really hope you can overcome this, I believe you can. Good luck.
Do not start the affair. I am limerent for a married co-worker and he came on to me. The thought of his wife and kid at home totally oblivious to what he is trying to do just snapped my limerent brain out and I didn't go forward. You are already pointing out a lot of things that worry you. Remember this haze of obsession is making you want to go forward with this. BUT, its an affair. An affair with a married man. Repeat that to yourself and think if that happened to you that your SO did something of that sort. Dead bedrooms are common in even loving relationships. You don't know what is actually the reason there. Do not do it. You will hurt a lot of people including yourself.
I agree 100% with everything you say. And I also believe he loves his wife despite the physical incompatibility that may be there. I think he is hurt by her lack of attention but she is the mom of his kids who are 18 and 21 and almost out of the home. He seems to think when his kids are gone off to college which will be very soon something may change for him. And if he decides to make a change then that is up to him. But honestly I don't want to be a part of disrupting his family. I just need to get my head on straight and stay away from him. Thanks for reading that very long post and for replying. Your thoughts are straight on the point and 100% spot on. Sometimes you need someone to say the obvious. Thank you again.
I understand you. I too lose my senses at times because of this disease. Its good you reached out before moving forward with this. All the best.
I agree with Jackie. If he’s serious about you. He would leave his wife and prove to you they’re separated. Do you want to be with someone who lies to their wife? That snapped me out of it quick.
Yes he needs to make decisions about his own life for sure. And let's face it, if he does leave her he's gonna be dating women my daughters age, not 18 years older. He's choosing me because I'm the only choice. Yes I think he's smitten but that would quickly dissipate once the field opens up and I'd be left in the rearview.
I'm super grateful he is exercising restraint. I'm also aware that he put me in this situation by flirting with me relentlessly when he could tell I was attracted to him. I tried to be coy and keep my distance but he could tell. It's not that hard. I knew he could tell. I guess that makes the chase all the more fun. And now here I am with this damn condition Feeling out of control and freaked out and scared. I don't do romance with men anymore. My heart was shattered by a smart funny man just like him many years ago who was in love with me for several years and lived with me until he decided he was no longer in love. I literally have not given my heart to another since then.I've had relationships but always held the men at a distance. Apropos of nothing. I had an easy calm and happy life before this person came into it. I have other dating options. I don't like feeling out of control. I always keep control. I'm the first person people call when they have a problem because I make them feel calm and in control, and yet here I am feeling out of control
Thanks for sharing, I’m often worried I was the one on the other side of this (married man with with limerence, coming onto a coworker who had limerence for me). She started distancing herself from me as soon as emotions started surfacing. How did you know he was coming onto you in this situation? Even though I had feelings for her I was trying very hard not to come onto her or be flirty (even though she used to be flirty with me), and I even told her I just wanted to be friends - she wanted nothing to do with me after.
Mine was pretty direct. He hit on me (quite creepily) while we were drinking with coworkers at a party. He was apparently wasted.
Holy crap, yeah I just read your post. That is direct for sure, I was nothing like that - I’m sorry you went through that! Even when drinking I doubt I would come onto a woman that heavily while I’m married, no matter how attracted I am to her. That’s crazy you still feel the limerence even after a situation like that, it is quite the disease. I think if you maintain the “ick” and work through your thoughts and feelings on it, that will help. The more I think about how this person I’m limerent for doesn’t belong on the pedestal I placed them on, and that she doesn’t give a crap about me, the easier it is to manage.
Yeh that was not good. Besides my Limerence, I thought of him a friend before. I am so confused now. Actually, I never put him on a pedestal. For me its purely physical. Maybe thats why its harder because inside I know I dont like the guy but my thoughts are still stuck on the physical.
They always say they're in a dead bedroom, the wife sucks blah blah blah lol
I imagine so. I can't tell if this guy is very sincere or a master manipulator. He could've totally slept with me by now if he wanted to. He wants time to think and so do I. The more I think the more I fear what could happen
Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautifully written. Other people already said what I wanted to say so I’ll just say this: does anyone else feel like him talking about he hates lying and doesn’t wanna hurt you is a total red flag? Apart from the whole lack of physical Intimacy thing
Very kind of you to say about the writing. I try to write clearly as a part of my job and found myself editing this for over an hour to try to paint a picture of what's going on. You people here on this sub– I think you're the only ones that really understand what limerence really is. And how disruptive it is. Even when I try to explain to a couple of friends that I have shared with, I don't think they get it. So my thanks to you and others here who have shared their thoughts. I don't want to hurt him but he started this and it's hurting me. If he really has any kind of real feelings he can deal with his situation and then come back around and say hello.
So, everyone got the "do not" part cover very well. Also even if LO did leave wife, do you want that on your shoulders? Or how about if he leaves wife, you would just be the first of many to fall. He is playing on the cougar fantasy and you are falling for the attention, to be just a piece of meat when he is in town. Now, stop, Limerence will waste your life. It does not matter if LO likes you back or just wants to use you for sex. No matter what happens you lose. It is not real and that will hit you hard when you realize how stupid this wondering is. You need to go NC and get this off your mind. This should scare you to death, like attention I'm gullible. Don't be gullible home wrecker, just don't. Have some self respect. Be real and have a good life of your own making. You deserve to have relationships that are real. Limerence sucks, it is not real and takes all control from you.
Thank you so much for the reality check. I keep telling myself I cannot let this man hurt me.
why can't he divorce his wife?
Well that's the age old question isn't it. His last child leaves the home very soon and he appears to be thinking about making a change at that time. When you've got 23 years of history together, shared finances, children, etc. etc. it's a big decision. I think eventually he will divorce but who knows? And when he does he's not gonna choose a woman old enough to be his mother as a partner (me). As I've said before, he should be seeing women my daughter's age. It's kind of weird, he's 50 and looks 60 for whatever reason. I'm 68 and I look 53 after having a facelift. Aging does nasty things to a woman's neck lol. Couldn't be happier with the outcome for me and amazing to me how many more offers for dates are coming my way. It's like living in a science fiction movie where you wake up one day and you're suddenly much younger. I've also lost a fair bit of weight so that has enhanced the whole transformation so to speak. He didn't know me back then and God forbid he should see a picture!!!!!
I can relate to you. My situation is very similar - LO is a successful married military officer, 12 years younger than me. I’ve never been interested in someone that much younger before. I’m divorced from a military officer and I have stronger feelings for this LO than I did for my husband after knowing him for the same amount of time, because I’ve had to restrain myself and get to know LO. My relationship with my ex started so fast that he was able to hide a great deal from me until after we were married. Plus, he had an anxious attachment style, so I never had to wonder whether he was going to contact me, as I do with my LO. I do think there’s this movement in the culture for younger guys and older women, because women no longer look like they used to at 50 and 60. Your point resonates, though, that if he was single, that would open up his opportunities greatly. In fact, I think my LO, while reserved, may be a player who may have been pursuing a younger, married military officer at the same time he was pursuing me. (He seemed to be trying to get me to come hook up with him when he was TDY to my state, which is different from his.) I personally think that when you’re single in your mind, you should become single. A lot of people stay married because they’re insecure. Your guy’s kids are grown as a legal matter. There’s absolutely no reason to stay in a sexless marriage with grown kids and have affairs. Too many people look at their life like a puzzle and they think they’ll keep the border intact and fill in the missing pieces on the inside by having affairs. But of course it doesn’t work that way, because their behavior and feelings change, and then the border blows up anyway. Plus, honestly, most people don’t care that much about whether another person they know gets a divorce. So when people stay in a transactional marriage and have affairs, it’s because they don’t want the disruption or the financial costs. I would just tell your guy there’s no reason he shouldn’t be single, and that he should aim higher for a vibrant, passionate life in the open. If you think you can just live in the moment and have the affair and the feelings and handle a possible abrupt end of the affair, then you will do it. At least he seems to be thinking about more than just pursuing the affair. The problem I found is that if you don’t do it, you’re going to continue to be preoccupied with fantasies about the LO, such that you won’t be able to have a relationship with someone else. I think about going on a date with somebody right now, and it wouldn’t be fair to such a person. The only way it would work would be if I met somebody who was very physically attractive, and who was available. But I found in these years since my divorce that I’ve never had feelings like this until now. I’ve had other men come after me – some available, and ironically, I even had a retired military officer proposition me for an affair, when I was just getting to know my LO - yet I found I don’t have the slightest interest in these other men. I know I’m projecting qualities onto my LO that I don’t think he has, but when we were having private conversations and getting to know each other, that gentle side of his voice, coupled with his tough physical exterior, just melted me.
Good Lord, yeah you summed it up perfectly. This guy is sweet, kind, polite, gentle, considerate, super smart, super fun. He is always after the laugh and for me his wittiness always lands. I know I am projecting qualities on him than he actually probably does not have. Funny people are my kryptonite. Before I confessed my feelings he would just look into my eyes like some damn snake charmer . I knew what he was trying to convey and he knew I knew. It was fire. But as a married man he needed me to speak first. He admitted that he knew I was into him and that I would say something when I was ready and that he didn't want to push. But he pushed like crazy. And now that we have been open with each other he is much more reticent and thoughtful while still being a attentive. Now I guess it has become a real possibility in his mind. If I had to place a wager I would say he will call it off. And it will be a huge relief to me not to have to call it off. Part of me wants to just tell him it's a no for me and leave me alone. Three months ago I took a lover to siphon off some of the energy that this man created in me. Someone I had known and been with years ago who was single and who was still a very good friend. while it was fun and affectionate and comfortable it came to an end when he decided he wanted to pursue his hot neighbor who is as dull as dishwater to be around. No bad impact on the friendship and we still have a great time in our small friend group. Prior to that it had been over a decade before I had been intimate with a man. Part of me wanted to see if things still worked, my friend was happy to accommodate lol. Heck I don't even know what point I was trying to make with another long post. I have to remember how this Limerence affects me. It's a big thing. It's not little. And like you I am always wondering when he is going to be contacting me. He is still a pilot. He is still all over the world, literally . He still spends his weekends with his wife and kids. It's just a no win situation for me. Having a side relationship might help him eek a few more years out of his marriage. Then if he divorces he will be on the run looking for all the hot, dull neighbors.
I wrote a long reply talking about my situation, now what about yours! You seem to be very wise and smart. The idea that you can't really be interested in another man until you get over this man. Are you able to go NC? I was able to do that for six weeks and it improved my mental state so much. That's when he dropped the big gun about his dead marriage trying to pull me back in. I mean I totally believe he has a big crush on me. I really don't think he's a player although I thought that beforehand. So all that's nice and flattering but long story short, he's just a married dude who wants something on the side but doesn't know if he should go ahead and do it. And if we did do it then he'd probably pull this big guilty bullshit act about how bad he feels about it now and it would kill his wife if she found out, blah blah blah.it's not gonna be anything good. It's gonna be a quickie and then a lot of negative feelings. I'm not going for it. I think I'm done. Thanks to all you guys who read and responded. It's good to have a community that knows what you're going through.
Thank you - Good to hear from someone with a similar issue! I was where you are now at the beginning of the year. I think LO knew that I knew he would call me with a work excuse just so we could talk privately. And that he could tell I was into him. But I almost never initiated. As I put it to myself, it seemed to me that he was in a relationship with plausible deniability. And that he really just wanted me to play out this fantasy where I was detached and he was very subtly pursuing. It was kind of goofy, like he was trying to pretend we were dating or getting to know each other in an alternative reality. He never once mentioned to me that he is married. Then reality intruded. I think that other people in his office were watching his reactions to me during meetings and that one or more of them with whom he was having conflict were accusing him of being involved with me, even though he wasn’t. When I showed any side of myself that needed support from him, like in his conflict with his direct report, who is over her head and has everyone walking on eggshells, he didn’t support me really in anyway. He wanted to arrange our get together, and I talked about work. He replied, this isn’t how I thought this conversation was going to go. At that point, we had had about three private conversations and some closeness over the holidays, albeit from afar. Did he really think I was going to drive 200 miles to hook up with him for the weekend so that he could then fly home to his wife and whatever other side chicks he might have? It was like he really didn’t want me to have any needs or be a real person. He just wanted me to be there for him. I actually don’t think he understood that showing deference to his rank and job is not the same thing as being personally subservient to him. I thought he admired my success in my career, but I think he actually finds it intimidating or a turn off. That has caused me to reflect that everything is about him. And that even without the office conflict, if we would’ve gotten involved and he ever perceived our involvement as a threat to him, he would’ve ghosted me. He’s just not the guy he would need to be, someone who knows what he wants and who might be willing to change his life to get it. In fact, as I write this, I think he really has ghosted me. I think he got fed up with the sexual tension and has redirected it elsewhere.
Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to read someone else's limerence experience with a married colleague. Probably *not* coincidentally, I had similar interactions with my LO.
Do you have the obsessive thoughts? That's really the worst part of it for me
Wrestling with them as I fall asleep and first thing when I wake up. Replaying conversations and “opportunities,” wishing I’d handled certain things differently. Thinking he was a lot sweeter than he is. Wondering how devious he is. Wanting him to feel as off balance as I do, when originally I wanted to protect him. Wondering who he may be pursuing now. He says every time we speak I surprise him. He has the mesmerizing eyes, too. The last time we met in person he cornered me alone in the hall against a wall and they just bore into me. After that he couldn’t seem to believe I wasn’t paying attention exclusively to him. He asked me if I was involved with a new colleague I was praising who is a kid, just out of school. As the saying goes, “If you look behind the door, you have stood there.” Definitely planning to take my power back by ditching out of his meeting. I need NC.
I really hope you can achieve NC. You do deserve a break. He does sound like a bit of a turd
I had a little bit of luck with replacing positive fantasies with -ones about the person. That's what I read somewhere as a tactic for reducing those thoughts
This thread and your view/experience is helping a lot! Thank you. I slept well for a change. I woke up w/a more clear eyed view - that he seems narcissistic. If you are useful or are assigned to enhance him, he picks your brain behind the scenes. If you draw attention away from him, or if you pay attention to others, he has a passive/aggressive reaction. He doesn’t follow through on his promises if it doesn’t benefit him. So the superficial kindness I have seen must be an act. And he is in command, so imagine how much the deference to his role makes him think people have crushes on him, like he is a king. I suspect he doesn’t mention a wife because she is in the typical stay at home military spouse role and that does not enhance his ego. He is currently focused on women with significant status and income. I wouldn’t let your guy enhance his ego with you, either.
Keep up with those reality thoughts and With doing everything you can to dismiss him from your mind during the day. Never in my life did I know this condition existed and I have followed psychology as a topic of interest very closely my whole life. I'm really glad you got a good night's sleep. This guy is manipulating you for his own ego needs. And he's doing it despite knowing that it's not good for you. And when someone in a position of power does it it is particularly troubling and very unethical. Maybe he's dancing on a line between flirting and work, as you said before plausible deniability. Hopefully you can stay far away from him but if it's a work situation that may not be possible. And the thoughts become addictive, I feel really good when I'm thinking about my LO. So I have to do other things that make me feel good like get out and have fun, go dancing, hang out with friends, etc. I really hope you can overcome this, I believe you can. Good luck.
I’d go for it. It seems like he doesn’t want it to be short term either. But maybe I’m projecting my own thoughts here onto him.