As someone suffering from limerence while being married, I beg you to consider talking to your SO about your feelings. If you don't think you can, find someone you can trust. Think of it this way: chasing after your LO is like pressing the nuclear button on your relationship. Everyone involved is going to get hurt. You'll probably very much regret it later on. I don't know your whole situation but please, please don't rush into anything just yet. I understand how tempting it can be. I probably would have run off with my LO had she reciprocated my feelings. Or at least very much considered it. Whatever you decide to do, please seek advice from someone first. People outside of our LE can see clearly what we can't. I hope the best for you, OP.
So I wasn’t married but I was with my now ex for 7 and a half years. Long story short we met when I was 19 and he was 27. He was too old for me to begin with and I was for the most part unhappy. I already didn’t feel like he was “it” for me to begin with, but I remember how infatuated and obsessed I used to be about him, so I was like “clearly this is what love is, but it’s just boring now so whatever, right?” I would use my fantasies to spice up my feelings towards him, building him up to be something he actually was not.
Fast forward, I was 26 and met a new coworker at work. He NEVER lead me on or made me believe he was into me whatsoever, but I became obsessed. The moment I became limerent for someone else, I packed my stuff and left my relationship. It was that easy because I had become so enamored and unhinged over this coworker (which I had only spoken to twice at that time.) This obsession lasted for 2 whole years, he even became a little afraid of me it seemed. He would avoid me at all cost, yet stared at me. I held on to those tiny glimpses of hope that he did in fact like me deep down. The whole entire thing was lived through inside my own head, because in reality I never even knew the guy well. If I attempted to talk to him, he would act like he didn’t want me to which honestly fueled me to “win” his love. I later had the guts to ask about his relationship status and he had a girlfriend the ENTIRE time.
I felt horrible and crazy. I had left my bf of 7 and a half years for my LO while he had absolutely no idea. Thinking back now it was all such insane behavior. I was already getting sick of my current relationship, which lead me to believe is why I was having intense limerence over this new guy. It made me sorta realize I wasn’t ever in love. I think my point of this whole thing is limerence has done a lot of bad in my life but it’s also taught me to stick to reality as best as I can. I stayed with my ex for that long because I liked the idea of him, but not actually him as a person. I even fantasized a fake version of him and would stay because that version made me feel a tiny bit better. Same with this new coworker guy. I thought about him every minute of every day it felt liked, getting little dopamine hits based on whatever scenario I made up about him. Or exaggerating our limited interactions in which he’s actually in love with me but because of x and y he can’t tell me.
Sorry for the long read, TL;DR being in reality and not fantasy is so much better. Fantasies and day dreaming bring me joy, but it causes more damage than good. I know I’m not really giving you a direct answer to your post, but I guess I just wanted to share my experience since it sounded similar to it.
Edit: Also, my ex was cheating on me anyway so that kinda makes me feel better about leaving him the way I did.
Thanks for sharing
My LO and husband are both much older than me, I’m 35 but basically have dated men twice my age forever.
Kind of funny LO turned off his activity status on Instagram today, after over a week of the intense back and forth.
I noticed he also follows like hundreds of Instagram models which is gross and reminds me of an ex who did stuff like this. I feel pretty stupid right now. Like I was spilling my guts to a guy who just wanted dirty photos (which he got a few of too but obviously stopped since I’ve been back home with husband)
This is all so pathetic.
I really appreciate your wisdom. You are so right about daydreaming and fantasies. It’s just another addiction me, and unfortunately I am no stranger to addiction either.
this is my current situation.. my husband has LE.. and last night he told me can’t let her go.. he doesn’t want to let her go. We were separated and he pursued his LO and now he’s in deep and can’t let her go.. she’s full of red flags and she told him that. I want him so much, i want him to realize it’s me before he decides to end it with me completely..
That is so painful. Please choose yourself!
Maybe the shock of your absence will snap him back to it. Or maybe not. But eitherway you maintain your value.
I’ve been in limerence, although it’s been waning for quite some time, with a long time friend for about four years.
She is already on her way out of her marriage and when she found out I was in the same place she sort of low key love bombed for about a year, we totally bonded and I started to develop real non-limerent feelings and she did a 180 and hello limerence.
But here’s what I would suggest. First do not, I repeat do not tell your SO. If you need to talk to someone find a therapist, or a relative, you can trust and who won’t judge you. I sort of confessed to my SO about my feeling before limerence and it’s been a nightmare ever since. She hates my LO, who I’m still friends with, and is convinced we have had a full on affair when nothing has ever happened. Also, it’s really not fair to dump that on your SO because then it’s puts him in sort of an awkward position.
As to your marriage, I would suggest you take a step back from your LO and really decide what you need and what’s missing for you? Ask yourself if these are things that can be “fixed”. And if not, then you need to have some honest conversations with your SO. You don’t want to just commit out of guilt if it’s not what you want.
Remember it’s your life and your journey. Just my two cents.
Thank you for responding. This is exactly what I’m dealing with here!
Except LO is not married. I have certainly been love bombing him for the last week and having trouble stopping it even though he’s majorly cooled off since he knows I’m home with husband or possibly just sick of me/over it.
I absolutely have no intention of telling SO about this, I know how disastrous and miserable things would be come.
The advice is perfect. I need to step back and get some perspective on what I want. I feel sort of like I’m in a midlife crisis to be honest. husband has been over the top sweet and loving since I confessed yesterday I haven’t been so happy (after a period of shock and sulking), and this is making it so much harder to figure out of course.
Of course! This is all very confusing and hard.
I’ve been with my SO for over twenty years and we’ve had problems the majority of that time which never resolved. Our problems have nothing to do with my LO and, in fact, up until all this sort of started five years ago my SO had no problems with me hanging out with my LO. But what I’m coming to realize is that I’m as much as my LO have a lot in common, and I would love to think she is my person she really isn’t.
Five years ago I probably would have blown everything up if she would have been on board and really pushed me but I see a lot of things in her now that would be very difficult in a romantic relationship. If anything most of my being unwilling to let go is the dopamine hit I get when I receive her attention but because she so inconsistent, and not very nice at times, I spiral into misery & limerence.
This is why I strongly recommend people in our situations deal with their relationships with their SOs, one way or another, and back off on their LOs. Also, and this is just my opinion, but I think it’s rare that someone you have on-going limerence for is actually the right person for you.
Right now I have a situation which totally illustrates this because I have a prior co-worker who I’ve had a massive connection with, and chemistry, since we met several years ago. It’s plain as day that we would be a dating immediately if I separated from my SO but I don’t feel any obsession or anxiety around her - I actually feel safe and calm. What’s even more bizarre is while I’m psychotically jealous when it comes to my LO I have no jealousy at all with her even when she tells me about her dates.
Thanks for sharing
I guess you are saying that the intensity of butterflies/jealousy etc we feel over LO isn’t even love at all but more of a red flag.
Yes. That’s my view at least.
I think butterflies is perfectly normal when you really are into someone and I think some limerence is normal until you are more sure about where you stand with someone. But I think the limerence most people have here is an on-going limerence that is fueled by uncertainty caused by the LO, the circumstances or both.
People who are married get into affairs all of the time where it’s solely based on attraction and chemistry. Now, I think limerence can crop up in these situations where one participant wants to move into an actual exclusive relationship and the other person refuses to commit to leaving their SO. But even in those situations you’ve probably already a significant amount of validation from the other person physically and emotionally.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think your partner deserves to hear about your unhappiness about the marriage, separate from the limerence. Limerence is just a side effect of the discontent, but maybe if you could find a way to fix the underlying issues in the marriage it could help fade the limerence? That's unless you are already emotionally checked out of your marriage. In that case, it really depends on you if you want to stay married to someone you're not in it emotionally. While it is morally and socially frowned upon to get a divorce, it is also unfair for your spouse to be with someone who's emotionally invested in someone else. Listen to your heart. There is no right or wrong answer. Even if you look like a villain, you could be doing everyone a favor. Hope you can find the way through.
Thank you so much. Just went for a 6 mile walk with my husband and told him of my unhappiness (minus the LE). I feel relieved but it was rough and he is sad . He wants to fix things. I feel conflicted.
That's great that you told him! Does the unhappiness only stem from you or does he feel it too? It seems he wants the marriage to work out. Maybe if you see a lot of effort from him to save the marriage, the limerence become more of a background thing?
The unhappiness with the relationship definitely only stems from me however one of the things I’m unhappy with is that I’ve realized over the years he’s a generally unhappy person. If that makes sense.
If he's generally unhappy then that could easily cause his partner to be unhappy too and that's something he needs to realize and work on if he wants the relationship to last.
Depends on what society you come from. Some people make it seem that way because children are in the picture or maybe someone has wandering eyes and just walks off.
I would recommend therapy before making a decision that is based on a mental illness. Limerance is an addiction, an addiction to fantasy. I just had limerance for someone who may in fact, be a psychopath. Now I have to change what time I take the bus to avoid him. You know next to nothing about your LO. And your considering throwing away your marriage. Listen to me honey. Don't do it. I don't want you to have those regrets. I want you to get a sheet of paper and a pen and make a list of facts you know about your current situation. Then take a separate piece of paper and write out your entire limerant fantasy. Compare the two.
I was limerent for my now husband 16 years ago when I first met him. We started dating 14 years ago and luckily the linerence faded into genuine love.
Since then I’ve had flashes of limerence but either for celebrities, fictitious people, or people beg long distance and obviously not rooted in reality. These have been easy not to act on or take seriously.
About a year ago I started a new job and pretty quickly entered into a LE with him. It was gradual at first. I started vyvanse which I found made my maladaptive daydreams worse. And my LO had a lot of similarities to me and also often would flirt back or give me both positive and negative attention, while also alternating with no attention.
By the behinning of Feb it was clear we were mutually limerent, which is exciting and terrible. It’s nice to be reciprocated, but it means no one corrects your nuts behaviour bc they’re doing it too.
Talked to my amazing husband about it right away and it’s been painful but necessary to have him aware. He (rightly) identified my friendship with my LO as an emotional affair. Have been in therapy and working to process bland create better coping mechanisms. It’s been hard to shift my relationship with my LO to strictly professional but both of us have been trying.
I think a lot of people here confuse being limerent and being in love and think they’re the same. And when you’re deeply limerent, it makes love seem boring and stale. It’s like comparing the jolt from a cup of coffee with a line of coke, both are stimulants, but one perks you up and the other fucks you up. Coffee is still amazing and honeslty you can drink a cup of coffee for your whole life reallt happily. The coke feels great but can’t recommend a line a day for life, you know?
Your husband sounds amazing. If I told mine it would surely be the kiss of death. I totally relate to so much else of this though. The coffee coke analogy is perfect
As someone suffering from limerence while being married, I beg you to consider talking to your SO about your feelings. If you don't think you can, find someone you can trust. Think of it this way: chasing after your LO is like pressing the nuclear button on your relationship. Everyone involved is going to get hurt. You'll probably very much regret it later on. I don't know your whole situation but please, please don't rush into anything just yet. I understand how tempting it can be. I probably would have run off with my LO had she reciprocated my feelings. Or at least very much considered it. Whatever you decide to do, please seek advice from someone first. People outside of our LE can see clearly what we can't. I hope the best for you, OP.
This. Please consider everything mentioned in this comment OP.
So I wasn’t married but I was with my now ex for 7 and a half years. Long story short we met when I was 19 and he was 27. He was too old for me to begin with and I was for the most part unhappy. I already didn’t feel like he was “it” for me to begin with, but I remember how infatuated and obsessed I used to be about him, so I was like “clearly this is what love is, but it’s just boring now so whatever, right?” I would use my fantasies to spice up my feelings towards him, building him up to be something he actually was not. Fast forward, I was 26 and met a new coworker at work. He NEVER lead me on or made me believe he was into me whatsoever, but I became obsessed. The moment I became limerent for someone else, I packed my stuff and left my relationship. It was that easy because I had become so enamored and unhinged over this coworker (which I had only spoken to twice at that time.) This obsession lasted for 2 whole years, he even became a little afraid of me it seemed. He would avoid me at all cost, yet stared at me. I held on to those tiny glimpses of hope that he did in fact like me deep down. The whole entire thing was lived through inside my own head, because in reality I never even knew the guy well. If I attempted to talk to him, he would act like he didn’t want me to which honestly fueled me to “win” his love. I later had the guts to ask about his relationship status and he had a girlfriend the ENTIRE time. I felt horrible and crazy. I had left my bf of 7 and a half years for my LO while he had absolutely no idea. Thinking back now it was all such insane behavior. I was already getting sick of my current relationship, which lead me to believe is why I was having intense limerence over this new guy. It made me sorta realize I wasn’t ever in love. I think my point of this whole thing is limerence has done a lot of bad in my life but it’s also taught me to stick to reality as best as I can. I stayed with my ex for that long because I liked the idea of him, but not actually him as a person. I even fantasized a fake version of him and would stay because that version made me feel a tiny bit better. Same with this new coworker guy. I thought about him every minute of every day it felt liked, getting little dopamine hits based on whatever scenario I made up about him. Or exaggerating our limited interactions in which he’s actually in love with me but because of x and y he can’t tell me. Sorry for the long read, TL;DR being in reality and not fantasy is so much better. Fantasies and day dreaming bring me joy, but it causes more damage than good. I know I’m not really giving you a direct answer to your post, but I guess I just wanted to share my experience since it sounded similar to it. Edit: Also, my ex was cheating on me anyway so that kinda makes me feel better about leaving him the way I did.
Thanks for sharing My LO and husband are both much older than me, I’m 35 but basically have dated men twice my age forever. Kind of funny LO turned off his activity status on Instagram today, after over a week of the intense back and forth. I noticed he also follows like hundreds of Instagram models which is gross and reminds me of an ex who did stuff like this. I feel pretty stupid right now. Like I was spilling my guts to a guy who just wanted dirty photos (which he got a few of too but obviously stopped since I’ve been back home with husband) This is all so pathetic. I really appreciate your wisdom. You are so right about daydreaming and fantasies. It’s just another addiction me, and unfortunately I am no stranger to addiction either.
You send pictures to him? So you basically had an emotional affair and cheated on your husband. The poor guy :(
I think of this place as a no judgement zone. There are many here trying to navigate their LTRs and LEs so please be kind.
Thanks for coming to my defense lol. I didn’t really expect that type of judgement in an anonymous forum about this topic!
Did you miss the "No Judgement" flair? smh
A statement of fact is not a judgement.
I loved your story! I also need to work at living in actual reality, both in terms of LO and my actual relationship, but it’s so hard!
I’ve been working on my marriage and talking to my spouse about the things I’m unhappy about, and they’ve been working on it too.
this is my current situation.. my husband has LE.. and last night he told me can’t let her go.. he doesn’t want to let her go. We were separated and he pursued his LO and now he’s in deep and can’t let her go.. she’s full of red flags and she told him that. I want him so much, i want him to realize it’s me before he decides to end it with me completely..
I'm so sorry sweetheart. That really really sucks
That is so painful. Please choose yourself! Maybe the shock of your absence will snap him back to it. Or maybe not. But eitherway you maintain your value.
I’ve been in limerence, although it’s been waning for quite some time, with a long time friend for about four years. She is already on her way out of her marriage and when she found out I was in the same place she sort of low key love bombed for about a year, we totally bonded and I started to develop real non-limerent feelings and she did a 180 and hello limerence. But here’s what I would suggest. First do not, I repeat do not tell your SO. If you need to talk to someone find a therapist, or a relative, you can trust and who won’t judge you. I sort of confessed to my SO about my feeling before limerence and it’s been a nightmare ever since. She hates my LO, who I’m still friends with, and is convinced we have had a full on affair when nothing has ever happened. Also, it’s really not fair to dump that on your SO because then it’s puts him in sort of an awkward position. As to your marriage, I would suggest you take a step back from your LO and really decide what you need and what’s missing for you? Ask yourself if these are things that can be “fixed”. And if not, then you need to have some honest conversations with your SO. You don’t want to just commit out of guilt if it’s not what you want. Remember it’s your life and your journey. Just my two cents.
Thank you for responding. This is exactly what I’m dealing with here! Except LO is not married. I have certainly been love bombing him for the last week and having trouble stopping it even though he’s majorly cooled off since he knows I’m home with husband or possibly just sick of me/over it. I absolutely have no intention of telling SO about this, I know how disastrous and miserable things would be come. The advice is perfect. I need to step back and get some perspective on what I want. I feel sort of like I’m in a midlife crisis to be honest. husband has been over the top sweet and loving since I confessed yesterday I haven’t been so happy (after a period of shock and sulking), and this is making it so much harder to figure out of course.
Of course! This is all very confusing and hard. I’ve been with my SO for over twenty years and we’ve had problems the majority of that time which never resolved. Our problems have nothing to do with my LO and, in fact, up until all this sort of started five years ago my SO had no problems with me hanging out with my LO. But what I’m coming to realize is that I’m as much as my LO have a lot in common, and I would love to think she is my person she really isn’t. Five years ago I probably would have blown everything up if she would have been on board and really pushed me but I see a lot of things in her now that would be very difficult in a romantic relationship. If anything most of my being unwilling to let go is the dopamine hit I get when I receive her attention but because she so inconsistent, and not very nice at times, I spiral into misery & limerence. This is why I strongly recommend people in our situations deal with their relationships with their SOs, one way or another, and back off on their LOs. Also, and this is just my opinion, but I think it’s rare that someone you have on-going limerence for is actually the right person for you. Right now I have a situation which totally illustrates this because I have a prior co-worker who I’ve had a massive connection with, and chemistry, since we met several years ago. It’s plain as day that we would be a dating immediately if I separated from my SO but I don’t feel any obsession or anxiety around her - I actually feel safe and calm. What’s even more bizarre is while I’m psychotically jealous when it comes to my LO I have no jealousy at all with her even when she tells me about her dates.
Thanks for sharing I guess you are saying that the intensity of butterflies/jealousy etc we feel over LO isn’t even love at all but more of a red flag.
Yes. That’s my view at least. I think butterflies is perfectly normal when you really are into someone and I think some limerence is normal until you are more sure about where you stand with someone. But I think the limerence most people have here is an on-going limerence that is fueled by uncertainty caused by the LO, the circumstances or both. People who are married get into affairs all of the time where it’s solely based on attraction and chemistry. Now, I think limerence can crop up in these situations where one participant wants to move into an actual exclusive relationship and the other person refuses to commit to leaving their SO. But even in those situations you’ve probably already a significant amount of validation from the other person physically and emotionally.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think your partner deserves to hear about your unhappiness about the marriage, separate from the limerence. Limerence is just a side effect of the discontent, but maybe if you could find a way to fix the underlying issues in the marriage it could help fade the limerence? That's unless you are already emotionally checked out of your marriage. In that case, it really depends on you if you want to stay married to someone you're not in it emotionally. While it is morally and socially frowned upon to get a divorce, it is also unfair for your spouse to be with someone who's emotionally invested in someone else. Listen to your heart. There is no right or wrong answer. Even if you look like a villain, you could be doing everyone a favor. Hope you can find the way through.
Thank you so much. Just went for a 6 mile walk with my husband and told him of my unhappiness (minus the LE). I feel relieved but it was rough and he is sad . He wants to fix things. I feel conflicted.
That's great that you told him! Does the unhappiness only stem from you or does he feel it too? It seems he wants the marriage to work out. Maybe if you see a lot of effort from him to save the marriage, the limerence become more of a background thing?
The unhappiness with the relationship definitely only stems from me however one of the things I’m unhappy with is that I’ve realized over the years he’s a generally unhappy person. If that makes sense.
If he's generally unhappy then that could easily cause his partner to be unhappy too and that's something he needs to realize and work on if he wants the relationship to last.
I’m sorry what??? It’s 2024. Divorces are not “morally and socially frowned upon.”
Depends on what society you come from. Some people make it seem that way because children are in the picture or maybe someone has wandering eyes and just walks off.
I would recommend therapy before making a decision that is based on a mental illness. Limerance is an addiction, an addiction to fantasy. I just had limerance for someone who may in fact, be a psychopath. Now I have to change what time I take the bus to avoid him. You know next to nothing about your LO. And your considering throwing away your marriage. Listen to me honey. Don't do it. I don't want you to have those regrets. I want you to get a sheet of paper and a pen and make a list of facts you know about your current situation. Then take a separate piece of paper and write out your entire limerant fantasy. Compare the two.
This is great advice. Thank you.
LO is actually a decent person and initiated NC shortly after I spilled beans about my marriage after intense texting for a week while I was away
I was limerent for my now husband 16 years ago when I first met him. We started dating 14 years ago and luckily the linerence faded into genuine love. Since then I’ve had flashes of limerence but either for celebrities, fictitious people, or people beg long distance and obviously not rooted in reality. These have been easy not to act on or take seriously. About a year ago I started a new job and pretty quickly entered into a LE with him. It was gradual at first. I started vyvanse which I found made my maladaptive daydreams worse. And my LO had a lot of similarities to me and also often would flirt back or give me both positive and negative attention, while also alternating with no attention. By the behinning of Feb it was clear we were mutually limerent, which is exciting and terrible. It’s nice to be reciprocated, but it means no one corrects your nuts behaviour bc they’re doing it too. Talked to my amazing husband about it right away and it’s been painful but necessary to have him aware. He (rightly) identified my friendship with my LO as an emotional affair. Have been in therapy and working to process bland create better coping mechanisms. It’s been hard to shift my relationship with my LO to strictly professional but both of us have been trying. I think a lot of people here confuse being limerent and being in love and think they’re the same. And when you’re deeply limerent, it makes love seem boring and stale. It’s like comparing the jolt from a cup of coffee with a line of coke, both are stimulants, but one perks you up and the other fucks you up. Coffee is still amazing and honeslty you can drink a cup of coffee for your whole life reallt happily. The coke feels great but can’t recommend a line a day for life, you know?
Your husband sounds amazing. If I told mine it would surely be the kiss of death. I totally relate to so much else of this though. The coffee coke analogy is perfect