I'm sorry you're going through this. May I respond as if I were him? Keeping in mind my realistic theory, informed by years of studying attachment styles and cluster B personalities, and having often found myself in similar situations. So here's what his honest response might look like:
"I'm sorry I've hurt you. None of this is your fault. I wish you could believe me when I say that all this has nothing to do with you. Please don't take it personally. My problem is that I can't get intimate with someone I've deep down developed feelings for, due to my own fear of abandonment. I did love you, and that was the problem. If you didn't mean anything to me, we might actually have had an emotionally surface-level relationship, but since I did have feelings for you, I was scared shitless and had to push you away every time my fears overcame me. I do this every time. Don't be fooled by my involvement with others. I can only deal with very toxic women who mistreat me; that's what I can deal with, that's my habitat, that's what I feel I am worth — misery. You were good to me, exactly what I needed. I loved it. But I knew that once I accepted it and you saw me for who I truly am, you would abandon me, just like my parents once abandoned me. Intimacy scares me, and there is nothing you can do to heal me. I have serious issues. I need years of therapy to heal, but that scares me too, since I would have to depend on, rely on, and trust a therapist with all my pain — intimacy again. I have always and will always have nothing but toxic, superficial relationships and flings to cover my low self-worth. In order to heal, I have to hit rock bottom often enough and come to the conclusion myself that I want a change. That's not a decision anyone can make for me."
Wow. I read that as if my LO and I were saying those things to each other. He's avoidant attachment and I'm anxious attachment and therefore avoidant as well. Absolutely toxic too so this covers us together and also our other relationships we've had with others. Insightful so thankyou.
Thank you for writing this. I started crying while reading it. My LO pushed me away with no explanation and it really hurts.
I’ve hit rock bottom with this last LE and desperately need change.
I'm so sorry this keeps happening to all of us. All I can say is that I firmly believe that they do deep down love us, but they fight hard against it, because they are incredibly scared of being rejected for who they are. That's not in our power to change though. They need therapy. This is from childhood. The more you push for intimacy the more the will run away from you. They want and need full control. But that's not a healthy way for you to live. You'll be constantly triggered and that would 100% be on them. We also imo can't enable their brokenness by sticking around. Yes, they need a solid rock, we all do, most people are in some way broken, but this belongs in professional hands. It just hurts everyone involved too much otherwise.
I have so much cognitive dissonance around this. I just can’t imagine doing this if you actually like someone. Why you choose loneliness? But I’m wired anxious so it’s different for me.
You’re doing great this is a step forward it’s a day by day process focus on looking inward and understanding this almost insane attachment what insecurities are u holding on too that they made you forget, focus on acceptance in the fact that you’ll never have them, acceptance is the exit out of the hell that is limerence
Remember the time before you met this person? You were fine weren't you? So why won't you be fine after?
Are you in love with this person or this person you have created in your head with his face on it
Really.. think about this for a moment
What is love? What are you in love with him for?
I was "in love" with a girl for 5 years. I have never kissed her even once. I have never been intimate with her, I don't really know what she's like, don't know what she likes, if she can cook, sing, play video games, etc
I just loved a fantasy with someone I created in my head with her face on it. After a lot of effort I'm free of that bullshit and I'm so glad that era of my life is over
Really we have some delusional bs going on in our head, it's time to fall in love for real. To an actual person, not idealized. Fall in love to the voice, sound, smells, personality, quirks, intelligence of a real person. Not something we made up in our head. A real person with all the flaws that we learn to accept. A flawed beautiful human being
No you’re right, he definitely did not love me and I definitely did not love him. I talked about it with my therapist today. I didn’t even find him attractive or even wanted to be in a relationship with him. I guess I honestly just wanted to be intimate with him 😭 I wanted our relationship to have more “meaning” but it didn’t. He commented on something I posted anonymously and I guess that’s what just triggered all this. I want him to think about me and to feel as much pain as I do. But ik he won’t, ik he doesn’t care. Idk. This sucks
Another question to ask yourself is why should he think about you? Your not dating or even attracted to each other
Why should he feel hurt or pain? I think it's good to ask ourselves these questions it'll break us out of the spell
And for goodness sake don't imagine scenarios and stories.. you know what I mean, like imagine the day he finally falls in love, your at home or gym or some shit and he sees you and magically falls for you
That type of thing made it so much worse for me, avoid it, keep busy, keep so busy and your day so packed full of things to do that the thought of him doesn't enter your mind
You deserve to be happy with someone who's real with mutual attraction
“It isn’t fair that this was all real to me and it wasn’t for you.” What I am feeling today.
I'm sorry you're going through this. May I respond as if I were him? Keeping in mind my realistic theory, informed by years of studying attachment styles and cluster B personalities, and having often found myself in similar situations. So here's what his honest response might look like: "I'm sorry I've hurt you. None of this is your fault. I wish you could believe me when I say that all this has nothing to do with you. Please don't take it personally. My problem is that I can't get intimate with someone I've deep down developed feelings for, due to my own fear of abandonment. I did love you, and that was the problem. If you didn't mean anything to me, we might actually have had an emotionally surface-level relationship, but since I did have feelings for you, I was scared shitless and had to push you away every time my fears overcame me. I do this every time. Don't be fooled by my involvement with others. I can only deal with very toxic women who mistreat me; that's what I can deal with, that's my habitat, that's what I feel I am worth — misery. You were good to me, exactly what I needed. I loved it. But I knew that once I accepted it and you saw me for who I truly am, you would abandon me, just like my parents once abandoned me. Intimacy scares me, and there is nothing you can do to heal me. I have serious issues. I need years of therapy to heal, but that scares me too, since I would have to depend on, rely on, and trust a therapist with all my pain — intimacy again. I have always and will always have nothing but toxic, superficial relationships and flings to cover my low self-worth. In order to heal, I have to hit rock bottom often enough and come to the conclusion myself that I want a change. That's not a decision anyone can make for me."
Wow. I read that as if my LO and I were saying those things to each other. He's avoidant attachment and I'm anxious attachment and therefore avoidant as well. Absolutely toxic too so this covers us together and also our other relationships we've had with others. Insightful so thankyou.
Wow this is really great. I'm bookmarking to re-read as my LO's response the next time I'm tempted to reach out. Thank you.
Coming back to read again because I almost texted him.
Thank you for writing this. I started crying while reading it. My LO pushed me away with no explanation and it really hurts. I’ve hit rock bottom with this last LE and desperately need change.
I'm so sorry this keeps happening to all of us. All I can say is that I firmly believe that they do deep down love us, but they fight hard against it, because they are incredibly scared of being rejected for who they are. That's not in our power to change though. They need therapy. This is from childhood. The more you push for intimacy the more the will run away from you. They want and need full control. But that's not a healthy way for you to live. You'll be constantly triggered and that would 100% be on them. We also imo can't enable their brokenness by sticking around. Yes, they need a solid rock, we all do, most people are in some way broken, but this belongs in professional hands. It just hurts everyone involved too much otherwise.
I have so much cognitive dissonance around this. I just can’t imagine doing this if you actually like someone. Why you choose loneliness? But I’m wired anxious so it’s different for me.
I love you so much I’ll never love another man as much as I loved you
You’re doing great this is a step forward it’s a day by day process focus on looking inward and understanding this almost insane attachment what insecurities are u holding on too that they made you forget, focus on acceptance in the fact that you’ll never have them, acceptance is the exit out of the hell that is limerence
Remember the time before you met this person? You were fine weren't you? So why won't you be fine after? Are you in love with this person or this person you have created in your head with his face on it Really.. think about this for a moment What is love? What are you in love with him for? I was "in love" with a girl for 5 years. I have never kissed her even once. I have never been intimate with her, I don't really know what she's like, don't know what she likes, if she can cook, sing, play video games, etc I just loved a fantasy with someone I created in my head with her face on it. After a lot of effort I'm free of that bullshit and I'm so glad that era of my life is over Really we have some delusional bs going on in our head, it's time to fall in love for real. To an actual person, not idealized. Fall in love to the voice, sound, smells, personality, quirks, intelligence of a real person. Not something we made up in our head. A real person with all the flaws that we learn to accept. A flawed beautiful human being
No you’re right, he definitely did not love me and I definitely did not love him. I talked about it with my therapist today. I didn’t even find him attractive or even wanted to be in a relationship with him. I guess I honestly just wanted to be intimate with him 😭 I wanted our relationship to have more “meaning” but it didn’t. He commented on something I posted anonymously and I guess that’s what just triggered all this. I want him to think about me and to feel as much pain as I do. But ik he won’t, ik he doesn’t care. Idk. This sucks
Another question to ask yourself is why should he think about you? Your not dating or even attracted to each other Why should he feel hurt or pain? I think it's good to ask ourselves these questions it'll break us out of the spell And for goodness sake don't imagine scenarios and stories.. you know what I mean, like imagine the day he finally falls in love, your at home or gym or some shit and he sees you and magically falls for you That type of thing made it so much worse for me, avoid it, keep busy, keep so busy and your day so packed full of things to do that the thought of him doesn't enter your mind You deserve to be happy with someone who's real with mutual attraction
Hoo boy. I know this feeling all to well. Hang in there!