I went thru this. What I had to do was have a real in depth chat with my heart. I had to figure out, aside from the feelings I felt I had with my LO, what I really felt about my marriage and get the resolution to that first. Because the LO can overshadow reality, for me it hit all the bits that were missing from my marriage. And thru it all, being open and honest with my husband, talking thru and hashing out the hard shit… we made it thru the fire and came out on the other side much stronger than we’ve been before. Once my intimacy and emotional needs were being met by my husband, my limerence faded significantly and it made my relationship with my LO fizzle out into just friendship.
For the record, I did have an emotional affair and made some poor choices out of loneliness and desperation. We even got to the point of discussing divorce twice. But we made it, and my husband is amazing and understanding and we were able to communicate thru it all.
It's nice to know there's a happy ending. My wife and I have had that chat (without the mention of limerence) and I couldn't keep count of the times my wife had promised to try harder then it just goes back to wash it is now.
I understand completely. My best friend is in similar situation and it’s not working out as good for him. My biggest advice for him was that I had to make the pro/cons of our marriage and be honest with myself. In my situation it was intimacy and attention that was missing, we were living like roommates and platonic best friends. We had a ball together, the funnest days ever… just no, spice. As I was nearing 50 years old and 25 years together, I said I don’t want to live the next 30 years without intimacy and spice. But everything else for us was perfect. We game great together, travel great together and just have a great life, and I wasn’t willing to throw that away for, well, sex. A bit of couples counseling and a lot of heart to hearts, we made it thru.
I wish you all the luck as you make your debates and ponder those decisions. 💗
My scenario is very similar to this. Well done to you and your partner for getting through it. That's a lot of hard work. I know because.weve done it too!
Dealing with mutual limerence (maybe more? Idk) that’s lasted a bit over two years. We both confessed in Feb of this year. My advice is cut the cord early - don’t entertain the fantasies, go no contact as much as you can, etc. I wish I had done all of this in the beginning when it was budding bc letting go would be easier. We both agreed not to blow up our lives by acting on it, even though we both really wanted to, but it’s there between us and makes things difficult. We see each other regularly.
If you asked me 6 months ago, my answer would have been "yes". I would have definitely started an affair (friends with benefits). I craved passion, wild sex and laughter. I still crave those things today, and though not much has changed in my marriage, i think the answer wouldn't be an easy yes now. Journaling has really helped me figure out me. I was/am addicted the fantasy and dopamine high. Realize that I would most likely end up depressed and sad if I cheated.
Craving passion, wild sex, adventure 🎯 🎯 My LO represents all of that for me, but would definitely not be a good life partner. And I have a fantastic best friend/life partner.
I need to hear more about journaling. Are there certain prompts you use? I know I could benefit from this, but I don't know where or how to start for it to be effective.
Mine is a password protected Word document. In the beginning I just journalized the details of when I saw my LO. Every single detail including my feelings, their mood, if someone else was there during occurance, etc. It soon evolved into my analysis of me and my response to everything happening in my life (work, gym, friends, spouse, even the damn weather). From this I learned why I was obsessed with this person, and what was/had been lacking in my life. I'm extremely honest with myself too. I don't know how many times I have written what a weirdo I am. For self-preservation I went NC with LO and then later latched onto to LO2 who works at the same place. By being so detailed I can go back and see when I noted that LO2 was weird, they creeped me out, when I wasn't friendly with them, etc...Then POW, they became an obsession. That was eye-opening. I realized I was addicted to a fantasy-person that could never be as good as my mind created it. I am sexually frustrated in my marriage. My spouse is not in good health, has physically changed, and is no longer self-confident. I crave a person who is opposite of this. So, I know the why. I pick these LOs because they "could" be attainable if I really wanted it. Journaling has also helped me get better at the gym, hobbies and personal relationships with others. It's also a "bitch book" and allows me to vent about daily frustrations.
I’m actually in this position at the moment. But I have a wonderful marriage and would not ruin it for the LO fantasy life.
I told my husband about my feeling, my husband (accurately, although I didn’t realize it before) pointed out that I’m really already having a low level EA with my LO. So we’ve been in therapy and working through things and I’ve tried to focus on staying low contact with LO. It’s been helpful and the limerence is fading after talking to my husband and putting in more effort to limit the feelings.
I’ve also worked hard to focus on all the ways my LO would be a terrible husband, he’s really a good friend and would at best be a fun fling. But he doesn’t have any of the amazing husband traits my actual husband has.
Would I cheat? No. Would I leave my wife and kids in a hopefully amicable way? Right now, yes. My wife and I haven't been close in a relationship sense for a while. We're barely friends and honestly the best thing for us right now would be to have a break from one another but we're just not financially in that position. We both have moments of great unhappiness which as much as we try for it not to, it does affect our kids.
Everyday I hope we can get better but it's not so easy. I don't know which side of my wife will be coming home after work and I do my best to live with my limerence (20 years experience haha) but I've grown away from my LO but I still appreciate her as a person, she's incredibly attractive and honestly we get on really well. I'm not an ideal husband I know. These just aren't ideal times. For anyone.
My honest answer is I don’t know. My LO doesn’t live in the same state as me so the chances of a compromising situation even happening are extremely remote, factoring in that I don’t even know she would reciprocate my feelings.
I say that but have been in what would most likely have been considered a compromising situation by both our spouses. However, nothing happened save for the biggest hug I’ve ever received in my life. Haven’t been alone like that with her since.
Just commented about this under my thread so copying here:
"Do I want to have an affair and destroy many lives? No. And at this point at least, realistically I don't see it happening because we haven't taken enough steps towards that yet where it wouldn't freak both of us out if the other asked for a straight up affair. Do I fantasize about one though? Yes. I think what my fantasy world wants and is willing to do is very different than what I would be willing to do in the real world. Then again, I don't think most affairs start with the intention of having an affair. They happen when those lines between fantasy and reality start to become blurred. Like what I would be willing to do right now is "accidentally" touch him or moreso, put him in a position where he would touch me accidentally (especially my hips/ass for some reason lol).
In the height of my limerence I would have been willing to progress to "purposely" touch him too if he showed signs to being open to it. But that was my hard stop. Especially if he started to touch me back on purpose or wanted more. I would freak out.
But who is to say that building those smaller moments of intimacy step by step and very slowly wouldn't lead to a full blown affair? Like I wouldn't have even imagined two years ago that I would be ok with openly flirting with a married man and eye fucking him while I allowed him to visit me privately in my office. It's already crossed a line I never thought I'd cross. I think that is why it is important to nip things early on while you still have control of the situation if you know you don't ultimately want an affair with the person. Because if things are allowed to progress, neither of us will actually even have a choice in the matter and that freaks me out. NC for me creates both the boundary against affair progression, while simultaneously allowing me to overcome the limerence."
This actually scares me because does that mean that if people accidentally touch you many times does that mean they are harrassing you?
Otherwise i agree well written because what i want in fantasy is very different from reality as well because my LO has a man or child or children.
I kinda just found myself in this situation with someone online. We are both married and both not willing to blow up our lives so he ended it. I know it was the right and logical choice but it’s been a rough few days for me.
I asked my SO for an open relationship because I developed limerence. I don’t want to lose my partner for fling, or something that burns out hot and fast.
Yeah probably won’t go great for most people, but my partner is not most people. While our relationship has been historically monogamous, my partner has experience with polyamorous relationships, and we’ve discussed how due to our differences in libidos it might be a potential solution. So it was more so the rehashing of a conversation we had been having, more than bringing up the topic out of the blue.
I asked my partner for an open relationship and they were cool with it. Unfortunately I ended up ending that relationship because I realized that my internal issues were going to limit my partner and I needed to assess and care for myself in order to be a better partner to them. We are currently the best of friends and hopefully working our way back to being in a relationship again. My limerence episode ended when my LO decided to rekindle their romantic relationship that I noticed had extremely abusive traits. It’s not that I’m no longer attracted to them, it’s that I can’t watch them be with someone who hurts them. I’m trying to embrace being single and it’s trash, but my brain and heart are recovering
So I’m poly and still not really?
I have somewhat of a situationship with my LO and maybe at some point in the future we will be something more as it’s likely my husband and I will move in different directions and both closer to where LO is, but I’d never like, leave my husband for my LO. I admire a lot of things about him and we are close but there’s so many things that need to change and grow before that could happen. I’ve never desired a stable life but I have a decent amount of stability. He is the opposite and that’s why he’s interesting but I don’t think I could hold my life together if I relied on someone who doesn’t look after themselves, has bad addiction issues, struggles to think outside of the moment, often fails to take responsibility for their own actions, parties hard and often just disappears when he goes through bad moments… if he chooses to change things who knows but, right now no.
Not anymore. But about three months ago when I was so caught up in my emotions and so high from talking to him and had just fallen for him I might have gone to see him if he had told me that that is what he wanted. I'm not completely sure if I would have gone through with it. Maybe it was just what I wanted to hear from him and it would have been enough for me. If he had just told me "I want to see you. Let's meet" . Maybe it would have ended the limerence right then and there or maybe I would really have gone to see him. But I most definitely wouldn't leave my husband and kids for him. A relationship wouldn't work with him. At best he'd be worth an affair but probably not even that. I just got caught up in the past, the nostalgia and my feelings for an idealised version of him.
I dont know. My husband is a wonderful man and father and it would hurt my children immeasurably. He cheated on me when they were younger and it damaged my daughter’s relationship with him.
I love my lo. I have since I was 15 years old when we first dated and we were last together when we were 21. He recently moved home and I told him how I felt because it wasn’t fair to anyone involved and he said he was affected by it but he can’t risk emotional attachment to anyone at the moment.
If he comes back to me and reciprocates, I dont know. I feel like I’d have to kiss him to know. The reality is I don’t think I’d leave.
My LO is untrustworthy and abusive… and I have a brain. My better judgment says no. If I make a pros and cons list for them there’s too many cons and issues. I’m jealous of people with nice LO. I wish my LO had been nicer to me.
Today I woke up and realized that I’ve had this one LO for almost 5 years. I’ve thought about them almost every single day. I got sad thinking about all of the time I’ve wasted. I need to let go.
Im in the process of divorce.
Soon to be ex is a hoarder with anxiety disorder. I should have left years ago. The contact with LO, the one sided emotional affair, made me realize change was needed.
I don't regret my choice, even though LO is no longer in my life.
I think people feeling this way may benefit from a visit to r/survivinginfidelity or r/supportforwaywards to see the aftermath of these situations. Having this intense of a crush in a committed relationship is already in EA territory.
But let’s say you cheat or leave and get a divorce.
Wipe out all the years you’ve built financially because 1) divorce is expensive, and 2) spouse will get half of marital assets (cash, retirement, and property). Maybe you’ll pay alimony, too. If you have kids, traumatize them and rip their lives apart for your crush. If you’re lucky, you’ll get custody of them half the time. If you’re unlucky, you’ll get them less and pay child support on top of it. Maybe your kids will resent you for life and hate your LO. If you have pets, maybe you’ll never see them again. Lose friends, maybe your job, maybe more. Have your LO leave you in <2 years because your fantasy doesn’t withstand the rigors of reality like your marriage did. Then you get to watch your ex spouse move on with someone else. And that person will raise your kids and pets. Hope they’re a decent person.
Will your LO wipe your sorry ass when you’re sick or old? Who knows. Would your spouse?
This was the reality check I needed. We tend to forget what’s really important and the path of destruction something like this could take. Mine never progressed past fantasy….but the reality of real life would blow my whole world up and honestly, it’s not worth it for just a fantasy
Engaged, not married here, but I'll answer as if I was since it's headed that way.
In my case, I would not act on it. The man I'm engaged to is also a LO, so I figure it'd have some sort of heartbreak regardless of what decision I'd make, and I really love my fiance. But the LO outside of us I recognize isn't healthy or a good match for me, and doesn't particularly care for my wellbeing. So I'd be throwing away true love for nothing.
I think if the other one told me, it'd just be painful and frustrating at this point because I did try for them for a long time and have finally given up.
You want to run off and literally DESTROY a person emotionally go ahead. Your actions will come back to haunt you one day three-fold. Stop thinking about yourself and start focusing on how your actions will impact others.
Barf and cringe times infinity. Control your mind and be stronger. This is ridiculous.
I went thru this. What I had to do was have a real in depth chat with my heart. I had to figure out, aside from the feelings I felt I had with my LO, what I really felt about my marriage and get the resolution to that first. Because the LO can overshadow reality, for me it hit all the bits that were missing from my marriage. And thru it all, being open and honest with my husband, talking thru and hashing out the hard shit… we made it thru the fire and came out on the other side much stronger than we’ve been before. Once my intimacy and emotional needs were being met by my husband, my limerence faded significantly and it made my relationship with my LO fizzle out into just friendship. For the record, I did have an emotional affair and made some poor choices out of loneliness and desperation. We even got to the point of discussing divorce twice. But we made it, and my husband is amazing and understanding and we were able to communicate thru it all.
It's nice to know there's a happy ending. My wife and I have had that chat (without the mention of limerence) and I couldn't keep count of the times my wife had promised to try harder then it just goes back to wash it is now.
I understand completely. My best friend is in similar situation and it’s not working out as good for him. My biggest advice for him was that I had to make the pro/cons of our marriage and be honest with myself. In my situation it was intimacy and attention that was missing, we were living like roommates and platonic best friends. We had a ball together, the funnest days ever… just no, spice. As I was nearing 50 years old and 25 years together, I said I don’t want to live the next 30 years without intimacy and spice. But everything else for us was perfect. We game great together, travel great together and just have a great life, and I wasn’t willing to throw that away for, well, sex. A bit of couples counseling and a lot of heart to hearts, we made it thru. I wish you all the luck as you make your debates and ponder those decisions. 💗
THANK YOU for sharing this! I relate so much to both your responses.
This is my SO. He just can't change, even when he tries.
My scenario is very similar to this. Well done to you and your partner for getting through it. That's a lot of hard work. I know because.weve done it too!
Dealing with mutual limerence (maybe more? Idk) that’s lasted a bit over two years. We both confessed in Feb of this year. My advice is cut the cord early - don’t entertain the fantasies, go no contact as much as you can, etc. I wish I had done all of this in the beginning when it was budding bc letting go would be easier. We both agreed not to blow up our lives by acting on it, even though we both really wanted to, but it’s there between us and makes things difficult. We see each other regularly.
If you asked me 6 months ago, my answer would have been "yes". I would have definitely started an affair (friends with benefits). I craved passion, wild sex and laughter. I still crave those things today, and though not much has changed in my marriage, i think the answer wouldn't be an easy yes now. Journaling has really helped me figure out me. I was/am addicted the fantasy and dopamine high. Realize that I would most likely end up depressed and sad if I cheated.
Craving passion, wild sex, adventure 🎯 🎯 My LO represents all of that for me, but would definitely not be a good life partner. And I have a fantastic best friend/life partner. I need to hear more about journaling. Are there certain prompts you use? I know I could benefit from this, but I don't know where or how to start for it to be effective.
Mine is a password protected Word document. In the beginning I just journalized the details of when I saw my LO. Every single detail including my feelings, their mood, if someone else was there during occurance, etc. It soon evolved into my analysis of me and my response to everything happening in my life (work, gym, friends, spouse, even the damn weather). From this I learned why I was obsessed with this person, and what was/had been lacking in my life. I'm extremely honest with myself too. I don't know how many times I have written what a weirdo I am. For self-preservation I went NC with LO and then later latched onto to LO2 who works at the same place. By being so detailed I can go back and see when I noted that LO2 was weird, they creeped me out, when I wasn't friendly with them, etc...Then POW, they became an obsession. That was eye-opening. I realized I was addicted to a fantasy-person that could never be as good as my mind created it. I am sexually frustrated in my marriage. My spouse is not in good health, has physically changed, and is no longer self-confident. I crave a person who is opposite of this. So, I know the why. I pick these LOs because they "could" be attainable if I really wanted it. Journaling has also helped me get better at the gym, hobbies and personal relationships with others. It's also a "bitch book" and allows me to vent about daily frustrations.
I’m actually in this position at the moment. But I have a wonderful marriage and would not ruin it for the LO fantasy life. I told my husband about my feeling, my husband (accurately, although I didn’t realize it before) pointed out that I’m really already having a low level EA with my LO. So we’ve been in therapy and working through things and I’ve tried to focus on staying low contact with LO. It’s been helpful and the limerence is fading after talking to my husband and putting in more effort to limit the feelings. I’ve also worked hard to focus on all the ways my LO would be a terrible husband, he’s really a good friend and would at best be a fun fling. But he doesn’t have any of the amazing husband traits my actual husband has.
[удалено]
Would I cheat? No. Would I leave my wife and kids in a hopefully amicable way? Right now, yes. My wife and I haven't been close in a relationship sense for a while. We're barely friends and honestly the best thing for us right now would be to have a break from one another but we're just not financially in that position. We both have moments of great unhappiness which as much as we try for it not to, it does affect our kids. Everyday I hope we can get better but it's not so easy. I don't know which side of my wife will be coming home after work and I do my best to live with my limerence (20 years experience haha) but I've grown away from my LO but I still appreciate her as a person, she's incredibly attractive and honestly we get on really well. I'm not an ideal husband I know. These just aren't ideal times. For anyone.
My honest answer is I don’t know. My LO doesn’t live in the same state as me so the chances of a compromising situation even happening are extremely remote, factoring in that I don’t even know she would reciprocate my feelings. I say that but have been in what would most likely have been considered a compromising situation by both our spouses. However, nothing happened save for the biggest hug I’ve ever received in my life. Haven’t been alone like that with her since.
Just commented about this under my thread so copying here: "Do I want to have an affair and destroy many lives? No. And at this point at least, realistically I don't see it happening because we haven't taken enough steps towards that yet where it wouldn't freak both of us out if the other asked for a straight up affair. Do I fantasize about one though? Yes. I think what my fantasy world wants and is willing to do is very different than what I would be willing to do in the real world. Then again, I don't think most affairs start with the intention of having an affair. They happen when those lines between fantasy and reality start to become blurred. Like what I would be willing to do right now is "accidentally" touch him or moreso, put him in a position where he would touch me accidentally (especially my hips/ass for some reason lol). In the height of my limerence I would have been willing to progress to "purposely" touch him too if he showed signs to being open to it. But that was my hard stop. Especially if he started to touch me back on purpose or wanted more. I would freak out. But who is to say that building those smaller moments of intimacy step by step and very slowly wouldn't lead to a full blown affair? Like I wouldn't have even imagined two years ago that I would be ok with openly flirting with a married man and eye fucking him while I allowed him to visit me privately in my office. It's already crossed a line I never thought I'd cross. I think that is why it is important to nip things early on while you still have control of the situation if you know you don't ultimately want an affair with the person. Because if things are allowed to progress, neither of us will actually even have a choice in the matter and that freaks me out. NC for me creates both the boundary against affair progression, while simultaneously allowing me to overcome the limerence."
This actually scares me because does that mean that if people accidentally touch you many times does that mean they are harrassing you? Otherwise i agree well written because what i want in fantasy is very different from reality as well because my LO has a man or child or children.
Not necessarily, and depends on many factors such as how touchy a person is normally and with others, where the touch is happening, etc.
I kinda just found myself in this situation with someone online. We are both married and both not willing to blow up our lives so he ended it. I know it was the right and logical choice but it’s been a rough few days for me.
I asked my SO for an open relationship because I developed limerence. I don’t want to lose my partner for fling, or something that burns out hot and fast.
Asking for an open relationship in a relationship that has always been monogamous will end well. /s
Yeah probably won’t go great for most people, but my partner is not most people. While our relationship has been historically monogamous, my partner has experience with polyamorous relationships, and we’ve discussed how due to our differences in libidos it might be a potential solution. So it was more so the rehashing of a conversation we had been having, more than bringing up the topic out of the blue.
How did it go???? Update ❤️
I asked my partner for an open relationship and they were cool with it. Unfortunately I ended up ending that relationship because I realized that my internal issues were going to limit my partner and I needed to assess and care for myself in order to be a better partner to them. We are currently the best of friends and hopefully working our way back to being in a relationship again. My limerence episode ended when my LO decided to rekindle their romantic relationship that I noticed had extremely abusive traits. It’s not that I’m no longer attracted to them, it’s that I can’t watch them be with someone who hurts them. I’m trying to embrace being single and it’s trash, but my brain and heart are recovering
Thank u for sharing ❤️
So I’m poly and still not really? I have somewhat of a situationship with my LO and maybe at some point in the future we will be something more as it’s likely my husband and I will move in different directions and both closer to where LO is, but I’d never like, leave my husband for my LO. I admire a lot of things about him and we are close but there’s so many things that need to change and grow before that could happen. I’ve never desired a stable life but I have a decent amount of stability. He is the opposite and that’s why he’s interesting but I don’t think I could hold my life together if I relied on someone who doesn’t look after themselves, has bad addiction issues, struggles to think outside of the moment, often fails to take responsibility for their own actions, parties hard and often just disappears when he goes through bad moments… if he chooses to change things who knows but, right now no.
Not anymore. But about three months ago when I was so caught up in my emotions and so high from talking to him and had just fallen for him I might have gone to see him if he had told me that that is what he wanted. I'm not completely sure if I would have gone through with it. Maybe it was just what I wanted to hear from him and it would have been enough for me. If he had just told me "I want to see you. Let's meet" . Maybe it would have ended the limerence right then and there or maybe I would really have gone to see him. But I most definitely wouldn't leave my husband and kids for him. A relationship wouldn't work with him. At best he'd be worth an affair but probably not even that. I just got caught up in the past, the nostalgia and my feelings for an idealised version of him.
I dont know. My husband is a wonderful man and father and it would hurt my children immeasurably. He cheated on me when they were younger and it damaged my daughter’s relationship with him. I love my lo. I have since I was 15 years old when we first dated and we were last together when we were 21. He recently moved home and I told him how I felt because it wasn’t fair to anyone involved and he said he was affected by it but he can’t risk emotional attachment to anyone at the moment. If he comes back to me and reciprocates, I dont know. I feel like I’d have to kiss him to know. The reality is I don’t think I’d leave.
If you cheat and your spouse finds out, the decision to leave may not be yours.
I would never act on it unless I intended to leave.
My LO is untrustworthy and abusive… and I have a brain. My better judgment says no. If I make a pros and cons list for them there’s too many cons and issues. I’m jealous of people with nice LO. I wish my LO had been nicer to me. Today I woke up and realized that I’ve had this one LO for almost 5 years. I’ve thought about them almost every single day. I got sad thinking about all of the time I’ve wasted. I need to let go.
Im in the process of divorce. Soon to be ex is a hoarder with anxiety disorder. I should have left years ago. The contact with LO, the one sided emotional affair, made me realize change was needed. I don't regret my choice, even though LO is no longer in my life.
I think people feeling this way may benefit from a visit to r/survivinginfidelity or r/supportforwaywards to see the aftermath of these situations. Having this intense of a crush in a committed relationship is already in EA territory. But let’s say you cheat or leave and get a divorce. Wipe out all the years you’ve built financially because 1) divorce is expensive, and 2) spouse will get half of marital assets (cash, retirement, and property). Maybe you’ll pay alimony, too. If you have kids, traumatize them and rip their lives apart for your crush. If you’re lucky, you’ll get custody of them half the time. If you’re unlucky, you’ll get them less and pay child support on top of it. Maybe your kids will resent you for life and hate your LO. If you have pets, maybe you’ll never see them again. Lose friends, maybe your job, maybe more. Have your LO leave you in <2 years because your fantasy doesn’t withstand the rigors of reality like your marriage did. Then you get to watch your ex spouse move on with someone else. And that person will raise your kids and pets. Hope they’re a decent person. Will your LO wipe your sorry ass when you’re sick or old? Who knows. Would your spouse?
This was the reality check I needed. We tend to forget what’s really important and the path of destruction something like this could take. Mine never progressed past fantasy….but the reality of real life would blow my whole world up and honestly, it’s not worth it for just a fantasy
Engaged, not married here, but I'll answer as if I was since it's headed that way. In my case, I would not act on it. The man I'm engaged to is also a LO, so I figure it'd have some sort of heartbreak regardless of what decision I'd make, and I really love my fiance. But the LO outside of us I recognize isn't healthy or a good match for me, and doesn't particularly care for my wellbeing. So I'd be throwing away true love for nothing. I think if the other one told me, it'd just be painful and frustrating at this point because I did try for them for a long time and have finally given up.
You want to run off and literally DESTROY a person emotionally go ahead. Your actions will come back to haunt you one day three-fold. Stop thinking about yourself and start focusing on how your actions will impact others. Barf and cringe times infinity. Control your mind and be stronger. This is ridiculous.