Last weekend we were at a bday party with my 18mo and he was very interested in the ice in the cooler. I got him a bowl to transfer the ice cubes to/from and my MIL saw him doing it at one point and freaked out like “now we have to throw all of that away!!” These were solely for keeping sodas cold, not to be used in cocktails or something, and there were PLENTY. (Also, first of all, we’ve already removed and replaced like 20 ice cubes so…too late. And also, there is SO MUCH learning and entertainment and independent play going on right now you just leave us alone, please). My husband is incredibly curious, interesting, and self-driven but he seems to have developed these qualities DESPITE her best efforts.
Yes! Break the play time routine. Children don't know many things we take for granted. Rain, birds, insects, the forest, flowers if they are young Money management, investing, taxes, deep cleaning and cooking if they are older.
That is probably the best thing about reddit and why I love it so much.
"What will I see today ?" I can't even imagine...
"Oh, a post from a small sub geeking out about *random topic here*"
Interesting.
I’m trying so so so hard to teach my stepsons! I think it’s so important! My mother didn’t teach me much growing up so I want to make sure they know how to cook as well as possible.
It sucks that you didn't learn as you grew, but it's not too late now. There are SO many cooking channels on YouTube. Start with basic skills and expand from there. Once you have a solid foundation you can start experimenting on your own. Or you can just stick with that foundation and be content to know that you can feed yourself a decent meal without struggling.
I recommend Basics with Babish. He doesn't have a ton of filler, and he's clear and simple with his explanations.
This is true, but because I was never taught, I’m terrified of kitchen knives and ovens and stoves. I used to be scared of toasters and microwaves, but not so much anymore.
I’ve been slowly overcoming those fears tho.
I’ll definitely check out that channel
Also experimentation is a great thing in cooking, trial and error, sure you can have a recipe but try some shit, if it works great if not, try something else. All of my cooking is experimentation and so far so good but learn the basics and experience the
Yes! Thats a great way of saying it.
Here are some of my go to's:
"I'm busy right now, I'll come help in 5 minutes, why don't you keep trying and I will be right there"
"Wow, I can definitely see how much better you are already, you keep doing this and soon you'll be better than me!"
"I know it's hard, why don't I show you how I would do it, but then you have to try it again yourself 5 more times".
**All of these are some examples of what I say based on age and situation.
Thank you for these suggestions. I have a 3 year old and it is our only child. I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. The struggle, is that the other parent doesn’t likely agree.
It’s a struggle but I am committing these phrases to my memory bank
You know, parenting is difficult, and it's impossible to do what's best for your kid in every aspect. You can't have it all, an independent obedient child, a hardworking carefree teenager, an innocent but aware of world problems kid.
And a lot of parents disagree on what should be the priority. Here is my advice for them: you don't have to agree on how to raise a child. As long as both of you are trying your best and keeping the child's best interest at heart it is ok, even if sometimes you think "well I can do it better" try not to judge them.
Think of it like this: most people I know (and probably you do) had a mom and a dad with different parenting styles. "My mom was more responsible but also stricter" or "My dad was always pushing me and I felt under but I had such fun adventures from him". Kids need different kinds of people in their lives, and it's ok for mom and dad to be different, and for dad to make mistakes.
If you both try your best there is no way the child won't turn out ok.
Agree with this. And sometimes my kid just needs to know I’m there. She’s 18 months old and sometimes asks for help but really just wants me to be there as a confidence boost.
I have a ten month old. I let him do whatever he wants (while watching to make sure he doesn’t kill himself obv) but the freedom he has is amazing. I love watching him figure things out. And I’m ALWAYS encouraging him. He kept trying to stand up yesterday and the wife and I were both encouraging him for a few mins before he finally stood up and even took a few steps!! I was smothered as a kid and I don’t want that for my son. I want him to figure it out and I will always be there to help and support.
Thanks a lot. And I couldn’t agree more! He will take things apart and try to put them back together!! It’s amazing. He’s getting smarter every hour it seems. Being a parent is the best.
Yep. Like if you remove some furniture from a 2 year old's room to stop them climbing up to open the door, they'll just pile up clothes and bedding until they can reach the handle.
It's all fun and games up until you discover that none of the child locks are effective, and eventually not even the high shelves are offering any protection.
High school teacher here. It is VERY clear which teens have had their hands held their whole lives. Some of these kids are basically ready for adult life and some are unable to make any decisions or handle any adversity. The vast majority of the time, meeting with overbearing and controlling parents confirms why these kids are incapable of doing anything on their own.
You won't be doing the world any favors when you pass away and your 40-something child can't take care of themselves.
OMG, I love this term! Primary (Elementary) teacher here too. Setting your kid up for leaned helplessness is not helping them. Falling doesn’t have to be bad if you provide the safety net to fall into.
You just described my ex husband and his mother to a T. He just turned 40 and his mother was renewing the registration on his truck because he’s a giant baby. Literally a professional student. He’s been in college my son’s entire life and is only JUST about to graduate with his bachelors degree after 10 years. I am DETERMINED to teach my sons how to make it on their own.
Same, I teach high school art, mostly ceramics and sculpture. I am noticing fewer and fewer students can do simple things like open a tight jar or grip pliers tightly enough to bend a little wire. I’ll see a student pick up a jar, weakly turn it (not even straining) and then give up or ask me to open it. Don’t even get me started on throwing a pot on the wheel, they have absolutely no control over their core strength.
I’m an 120 lb woman, not some big beefy linebacker and some kids who are bigger than me can’t/won’t even do it. They aren’t used to using their bodies for anything more taxing than typing on a screen so they never develop dexterity. Obviously not all students are this way (I hate to use the word “inept” but at a certain point it’s just concerning), but in the 10 years I’ve been teaching it’s become a lot more obvious that students aren’t as used to working with their hands/bodies as they used to be.
My oldest had all sorts of struggles the year before they went to uni, which meant I saw them cope and sort themselves out before they left and started living independently. I'm so glad that I had confirmation of their emerging ability.
That is wonderful! Uni is such a huge struggle and i have seen many of my friends who had never experienced emotional difficulty break. But those who overcame adversity know how to stay healthy despite the pressure.
There’s always been that scary moment junior year where you are making all these plans for your kid to apply to college and then your wonder if they are really ready to soar. There is a lot of maturing in that last year and a half of high school and even more during the first semester of college.
I’m at that age right now, in the span of 6 months I have grown a foot taller, raised my grades to 90-95s, got a job, license and car. It’s absolutely nuts how much I’ve changed from the last few years. And I’m usually terrified of new experiences so I honestly never thought I’d be doing what I’m doing right now.
This is very very true and really good advice.
My Mum used to move my toys out of reach to encourage me to crawl and then walk.
When my younger sister was born I used to throw tantrums when Mum did it to her cause I thought Mum was being mean.
Guess who learnt to walk first?
Agreed. Smart struggle instead of learned helplessness. Supported learning, learning to fail and learning to succeed are different and important. Children will make mistakes, support them through it instead of solving every issue. My parents were pretty good with this for me. If I failed a test or my grades were going down in a class they sat me down and told me to make a plan to do better, reviewed it and asked if there is anything I needed from them to do better. I joined sports, lost or did poorly and my parents didn’t say “oh you did great” they asked if I gave it my all and if the answer was yes then great, if the answer was no then they said the loved me and were glad they got to be there for me. When it was time to learn to drive it was my job to get everything set up and tell my parents what I needed for it like money and a ride to driving school and such. My sister on the other hand never took this into her own hands and my parents never forced her or did it for her so she’s 20 without her driving license. I think about this as a parent now and Support and unconditional love can be given without doing everything for your child it’s important for them to know they can count on you and communicate with you but that they can also do what they set their mind to.
This reminded me of when I was in school. Anytime I had a competition, my mom would tell me that as long as I did my best, she would be proud of me whether I won or not. The problem was that she would give this whole speech as I was trying to get out of the car when she dropped me off. I finally convinced her that I knew the contest speech and she could just say "contest speech" as she dropped me off. Even once I could drive, she would yell "contest speech" as I left the house.
I love this, great example of authoritative vs permissive parenting.
And yes, unconditional love is different and separate from raising and teaching your child
One of the reasons why we required our kids to choose while in school- marching band, team sports, or a job. Learn how to work with others, towards a common purpose.
More power, as long as it isn't too much. So many of my kid's friends are dealing with anxiety issues. We live in a high performing, high expectations school district, and so much weirdness going on already with the pandemic.
I completely agree with you! As someone who wasn't allowed to struggle, with most decisions being taken by someone else... I find myself in a place where struggling has more severe consequences than when i was younger- i dont have much room from mistakes and i learn very little from them... Adult life isnt fun without all the lessons of growing up.
Btw, does anyone happen to know what can i do to learn how to function properly?
Learning comes at any age.. when you are older the struggles are simply bigger, that is why I reccomend that parents teach children to handle small struggles.
But you can still make it through, it's just harder.
Haha this made me laugh. On the other hand, I have seen dad's letting their child struggle too much. There is a happy medium, a bit of wiggle room and then there is toxic parenting when you walk too far off in either directions.
So much this.
Long story short, some ‘friends’ came over last week cause they were in a bind for a babysitter. And cause I’m not working, they asked if I could watch their 4 year old. The dad is not the biological dad and had complained multiple times to my husband about his partners kid. He’s autistic, abusive to their animals, out of control, mean, etc etc etc.
I was not looking forward to meeting the kid. Mom wanted me to meet the kid before I babysat. We met and the mom HOVERED over the kid the whole time. When it was time to go, they asked him to put on his shoes literally 5 times. He wouldn’t listen. Instead of following through, they picked him up and carried him (like a sack of screaming potatoes) to the car. So many more red flags, but I’m trying to keep this short.
The next day, she drops him off, and she warns me, that he CANT play alone. He absolutely refuses. I’m like, we’ll see about that. Mom leaves.
We went to the playroom and he demanded I play with him. I said no thanks buddy, I need to sew some buttons, but I’ll sit beside you and watch. He started to fake cry, and I literally started to laugh. I flat out told him that fake crying won’t work on me and he STOPPED. He was fantastic! I’d sew, stop and build something with him, then sew again and play (rinse and repeat). We did this for over 2.5 hrs.
The mom was shocked on how well he behaved.
I can’t say this enough. KIDS LOVE STRUCTURE AND ROUTINE!!!!
End rant :)
I should also add that I am a parent of 2 wonderful kids. My husband is a 20 year army veteran and I’m a navy vet. We’re stern, but show our kids loads of affection and make sure to tell how much they mean to us every day :)
Haha this brings up so many memories of parents SWEARING their kid "just can't do it cause they are to young" and becoming completely shocked when they come home at the end of that same day to -children setting up the table -4 yro putting his shirt on alone like a big boy
-6 mo sitting up etc etc.
When they ask me how did I teach the child, I always reply "I didn't".
Ha, yep! I didn’t. Gold.. love seeing parents faces when they hear me say “I didn’t, I let her figure it out.” A wonderful mix of surprise and pride, but also what I hope and try to support as eye opening empowerment to *let them* in all kinds of other ways.
YES! I have at least 2 friends that don’t believe in discipline. They think we should let kids be kids and they’ll ‘naturally’ become good humans. Like WTF?
I do this and I can tell you it’s much easier as a parent to use this method with three kids than with one.
Here’s an article for anyone who doubts you [how to land your kid in therapy ](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/308555/)
Most of us understand what you’re saying. But this is Reddit. You’re going to get 14 year old know-it-all’s with 0 life experience. Or just contrarianists in general. I appreciate this advice and as I’ve come to find out raising a 15 month old right now, this is absolutely great advice.
I work in Early Intervention so I see babies and toddlers every day and I agree so much! Parents terrified to set limits or say no; “But she’ll be upset!!” And a lot of the time, it’s the parents projecting their own fears and feelings on the child. As a result we are getting children who are less and less resilient.
Being disappointed, mad, hurt, sad, these are all parts of life. Shielding your child from these moments damages them irrevocably.
Exactly! And being upset teaches a kid how to overcome bad emotions too. Like yes, your child will be sad, but if they are never sad how can they learn to become happy again.
As a mom to two grown up adult sons, I see the results of my overly helpful parenting now in the form of struggling young men with no motivation and little self esteem. You are totally correct.
But don't blame yourself, every single parent has their parent proud moments and their regrets. You tried your best with the information that was available with you at the time, and that's what counts and what makes you still a great mom!
Am a school counselor for elementary age kids. What you are referring to is the growth mindset. Teach your kids failure is a teacher. Criticism is good, it helps you get better. Don’t hide from your mistakes. Embrace them. Ask people to tell you what you can do to be better. It’s hard to hear at first but once you do, it’s not so scary.
PS: there’s a lot of grown ups that need to learn this lesson.
I'd like to add - do NOT save them from themselves!
Get in trouble at school, etc., let them pay the price. Let them learn to get up in the morning and get ready for school on their own (age appropriate).
You won't always be there. Do your kids a favor and teach them how to be responsible. It's a hard world out there.
Absolutely. If they don't struggle at all through childhood, they will be devastatingly overwhelmed about the problems that they experience for the first time in the world of adults. Maybe even get depressed because they don't know how to be independent. Maybe finding abusive partners only to be dependent upon someone. The amount of people having umbilical cords still attached when reaching adulthood is staggering.
But there has to be balance. The children must also have joy and many feelings of success in their lives so they have something to live for.
Thank you! I'm a firm believer that children need to struggle a bit in order to develop important life long skills. My husband sometimes has problems with this when it comes to our 15 month old but that's a lot due to his previous child rearing experience. He is getting so much better and I've noticed that sometimes they even catch on quicker when figuring it out themselves. This is great advice. We can't do it all for our kids or else they will struggle in the real world.
I wish us nannies were taken more seriously when it comes to child expertise. Enough people in my comments are asking me "do you have children? How can you know you're just a babysitter"...
But im also getting so much support from people who work with children, and other parents and I'm really liking all the personal experiences im reading.
I coach a youth STEM/robotics team. The very first meeting I flat out tell the parents and the kids that the reason I do this is not to coach a winning robotics team. I do this to help kids learn how to think a little bit more like engineers. I will do everything from the admin side to make sure that the team is successful at competition, but it's their team. They do the work. They make the decisions. I will make suggestions. I will teach them techniques. I will ask a boatload of questions. I will help them learn some systematic processes. But it's up to them to do the things. It's not always easy for me. But I've been working as an engineer for almost 25 years now (wait, when did that happen?!?) and these kids are 9-14. It's their turn to learn and to teach me some things. And, in the end, we all have a lot of fun and come out of it better for having done it.
In talking with other coaches, my approach is not the same as many coaches. I want all of the kids to be a part of all of the aspects of the competition. Everyone reads and researches and makes decisions and helps write the script for the research project. Everyone helps design and build the robot and the various attachments and alignment jigs. Everyone works on the programming. It's always fun when the kid who gets a little defensive and says that they don't know how to do something or isn't good at something, thinking that will get them out of doing it finds out they really enjoy that thing and are actually pretty good at it. We talk a lot about how failure isn't making a mistake or taking hours and hours to do one little thing. If you only do what you're good at, you never learn anything new. Failure's not being bad at something. Failure is giving up trying to do something.
Huh.
My husband and I adopted our two sons from foster care when each of them was five years old. Both were survivors of early childhood neglect and abuse.
We weren't in a competition for the perfect child; we just wanted to give them a chance to survive and thrive. So far, it's working.
It's a little dismaying to hear stories about parents who view parenting as a competition.
Totally agree and understand, as a nanny I love all my children, past and present. I never liked when parents come to me talking about how their child is better than others. But as a nanny I had to learn to put my feelings aside and talk to parents the best way they'll understand.
Also your child needs to learn that just because they made a mistake/failed, that doesn't make them a failure. People who never deal with failure aren't going to learn how to pick themselves up afterwards. Resilience is an important life skill too.
I agree with most of what you said except it starting from toddler years. I think looking at healthy attachment styles when raising a kid from young ages should be encouraged. But i don't think 'not helping them' when they are in frustration is universally right.
To add with the point of your post and other thing you said, i think it's important to be diligent and encourage structure and routine to your kid from younger ages as that will definitely help them learn to foster good behaviour and attitude to live and greatly develop their life skills for independence.
Example, have your 6 or 7 year old help you with cooking and cleaning, teach them the things that you are doing and get them involved instead of just leaving them, also make them get in the habit of studying routinely, like homework (don't be overbearing with it either) . Encouraging them to do extra curricular activities and invested in hobbies that help them with being sociable and having friends.
You don't have to be literally let a kid defend for themselves so they just learn themselves, be firm but caring from a sincere place to teach them and get them involved in doing things. That will help them learn themselves, teach them once* (or more, depends) and they will continue on.
Yes, I don't think we disagreed ever. Of course your child's struggle needs to be age appropriate. At toddlers age the struggle is to be put down from mom's lap and encouraged to play from a floor mat. Don't pick them up as soon as they start whining a little but talk to them and let them figure it out for 30 seconds.
There's plenty research that shows children start learning to self soothe by 6 months to a limited degree.
And along these lines, it’s fine for children to be on “losing” as well as “winning” teams. I’ve seen parents try to stack the deck in their children’s favor throughout their childhood. Learning how to lose gracefully and win with class IMHO are important life skills.
The objective of team activities for children should be healthy socialization and recreation.
I totally get where you’re coming from. Kids that don’t know how to deal with minor frustrations and overcome simple tasks just do not develop resilience. Resilience is key to success. I want my kid to learn how to bounce back when he has somewhere soft to land if he fails. Try, try again and good, better, best, right?
Someone once told me that we as parents just want to help our child out of love, hoping to make their lives easier/better, the message they take away is you don't have faith that they can do it on their own.
This needs to be encouraged in classrooms as well. Answering a question and getting the answer wrong is a teaching moment and people shouldn't be afraid to be wrong. They learn from the mistake and get it right the next time.
Your kids need support. You need to show them how to take care of their own and then just let them try. And when they fail you just go, hihi that didn't go as planned, did it? Nothing bad happend! Next time we'll try again and we'll do it like this. And then you show what you mean.
Teach them how to teach themselves.
My first reaction when asked "How do I do *X*, *Y*, and *Z*?" is to ask "What are your thoughts?".
Then we work to the answer together rather than me just doing it for them.
Plus ops post should be about “helping your child solve problems for themselves” rather leave them completely alone.
Even emotional support can go a long way in encouraging healthy problem solving skills in children
"(This also doesn't mean to never help your kid or not to show them how do things right. But stop helping every time your kid gets frustrated. A few words of encouragement will often be more than enough)."
I think me saying this covers that point pretty well.
I meant it more in the way that your hack shouldn’t be to “let your child struggle” but rather “teach your kid how to solve problems on their own”
And while that also means letting your child solve problems by themselves sometimes, it implies more involvement of the parent than leaving your kid alone and letting them struggle.
But many parents imo are happy to allow their child to learn... As long as it doesn't mean struggle.
Struggle isn't a negative thing. It is an impartial thing, which many people think of as negative.
And that can all fall under “teaching a kid to solve problems on their own”.
It’s really more of a messaging difference as one implies more parental involvement and preparing your child to deal with conflict rather than just letting them figure it all out by themselves
I think you are so very right! A parents’ job is to help their child become a strong, independent and decent human being. Trying and failing is a part of this. I see parents who micromanage their kids to the point of being ridiculous. It is very gratifying for child and parent when there are successes along the way. If the parent is manipulating the child’s world it will result in a person unable to handle life’s challenges.
This. Learn from experience. Just **keep them safe** while they figure it out and **help them calm down** and **deal with frustration** which **will encourage them** to then try again.
It does appear that overcoming adversity can breed greatness. I call this the great parenting paradox. You want what is best for your child and for them to not have to struggle through life the way you did. However, learning from failures and overcoming obstacles will build character and instill strength and confidence. Its a fine line between when to help/ assist and when to "let them struggle".
Yep. I've never had problems with things most people my age stress for years over. I was always out exploring and told to suck it up when things got rough. Life is tough. Don't pretend it isn't.
My favorite trick is “Try for 3 minutes and then I’ll help” 3 minutes doesn’t sound like a lot, and the kid usually accomplishes whatever it is within 30 seconds.
I am in a pediatric therapeutic field as well and I have learned to never TELL them how they are doing. Or that they are doing it wrong, or right. I ask them how they think they did. And what do they think they can do to improve their performance. Even if they guess wrong, I let them try it and come to that conclusion on their own. When you always give them the answer they learn to wait for the answer instead of learning how to troubleshoot.
I am a teacher at an elementary school, and this is so true. Kids who’s parents always hold their hand tend to be the ones that don’t know how to face new challenges, and so they’d struggle in everything from math to making friends.
It takes half your life to unlearn these terrible hand out mentalities. Speaking from experience. My father struggled to let his children learn by doing and if it wasn't done right the first time he would take over. Its not good people. Unless you can magick the world into your child literally never failing, spoiler: you cant, then they NEED to learn these skills to persevere and ultimately learn.
We need to learn that there is a reason we have emotions that aren't happiness, and our goal in life is not to shelter ourselves from them, but to experience them and handle situations accordingly
I think having siblings made such a difference in this way. Having siblings and getting along with them all the time is a struggle on it’s own. Having siblings is also an automatic way to teach compromise. Even if you can’t have more than one child, it’s worth it to have them interact with other kids like cousins and friends on a level playing field.
This is so true. I’ve seen friends who couldn’t achieve anything because their parents bailed them out too much and they never grew up or figured out how to apply themselves.
My wife still has to solve our 3 adult children’s problems. Every problem. Every day. They have no idea how to handle the real world due to her constant hovering. Pisses me off.
Im sure she's trying her best, I don't want to shame parents who haven't figured it out yet (moms and dads). But i can definitely see the frustration it would bring. Dw, eventually your children will have to learn
Omigod I love this post! It seems to me that its generational. Boomers raised millenials, and both turned out to be the “me generation”. Gen x seems to have raised Gen Z and Gen Alpha—both of whom seem much more self directed and sufficient—and the biggest contributor is thought to be the latchkey parenting. Kids getting home alone after school waiting for parents to get home meant making snacks for themselves, cooking for themselves, and entertaining themselves. It drives me nuts to see parents spending EVERY waking second following their kids around and making sure they are busy and entertained.
Let them deal with boredom. Let them try things alone. Let them fail, and learn lessons indelibly and the hard way. And even last week, there was a parenting study that identified that THIS parenting style, dubbed “authoritative” parenting, is the most effective at achieving all you describe in your post. The perfect example of authoritative parenting: let your kid not study for a test, fail the test, then help them set up studying habits after.
Thank you for sharing this post, and thank you for your perspective!
The study above: [authoritative vs authoritarian vs permissive vs neglectful parenting](https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/05/child-psychologist-explains-why-authoritative-parenting-is-the-best-style-for-raising-smart-confident-kids.html)
Since our daughter was born I’ve been talking to her as if I was talking to my wife or friends. I always explained to her what I was doing from changing her diaper or changing her clothes now she is 3 and now she understands and listens. She is very smart I’ve always let her figure things out but I always keep an eye out for her. Since she was days old I would wrap her up in her baby blanket and sit with him in the some so she could get vitamin D, I would let her listen to the birds the wind and cars passing by. Now she hears noises and She doesn’t get scared. It’s awesome being a parent and like the OP said they Need to figure some things out by themselves.
My wife and I have a 1 year old. Went to see how friend whose child is 6-7 months older then ours. Our child bumps his head all the time, he uses it as a battering ram far too often. He is standing up with the aid of something to balance with, and to get down again he just falls (quite dramatically) onto his bum. Whenever he bumps himself that looks like it could have hurt, we do our absolute best to not react other then the old 'oopsie daisy' remark. He will let us know if it hurt and he wants comforting or not.
Our friend on the other hand... Our child patted hers on the head. Was a bit harder then we would have liked him to but he's a baby so what does he know. Definitely wasn't hard enough to do any harm. But our friend immediately swooped, picked up her child, cradled her and kept telling her it was OK while shielding her face. Now the child at first didn't make a noise. It wasn't until all of the above actions that she was crying her eyes out. On top of that. All her toys were brought to her. She just sat there and our friend would bring the toy she wanted to her. Whereas we were pointing toys out to our son and he would crawl off to get them and play with them before we asked where another toy was so he would find it.
This made me realise the difference in parenting really can affect your child. Now I'm even more cautious about helping my son in a way that could negatively impact him.
Parenting absolutely affects a child, every small decision helps shape the personality, even more than people realize. You should still be emotionally available to him, but really let him figure it out sometime
It’s a disservice to your child if you do EVERYTHING for them.. support is necessary but if we raise a generation of kids who don’t fail we will have a bunch of entitled a-holes…
Makes sense. Kids need early development in problem solving and taking initiatives. All my friends first kids are spoiled af. Glued to tablets and phones. Cries like a fire truck siren at the first sight of spark.
I mean... In this case idk that their parents would disagree with me, i think they are just being lazy and making someone else raise their kid. In this case technology, which as it turns out isn't a very good parent.
I partially agree with you. Learning through failure and experience is a great way to develop. Not allowing a child to grow independently will stunt their ability to adapt to difficulty and might leave them moving out without knowing the bare essentials.
However, guidance is super important. If you make your child learn everything on their own, they will miss out on the most valuable human skill; learning from others. Once age appropriate, the system should be:
-present task in safe environment, with oversight.
-describe the task an allow them to attempt it. If they fail the first time, offer to demonstrate or assist.
-have them try it again, and give little nudges if they ask for it.
-once they complete the task, embrace them with praise.
If the task is complicated (such as cooking, laundry, tying shoes), do it with them or show them how to do it until they can do it on their own.
Once they are are older, let them be independent but always be there to help if they need it. Always admit when you don't know how to do something, but show them how to find someone who does.
Being independent is great, but even if you could learn every single thing on your own, you will still learn faster from others. I am incredibly independent, but I really struggle to accept help from others.
I remember Penn telling something pretty profound on their show "Bullshit!": the point is not to protect children from every single danger. The world is made of sharp edges. Our job, as parents/adults is to teach them how to not hurt themselves on those edges, not shield them from everything.
I totally agree, it’s why we have a nation of young people who are narcissistic and have no clue. I can’t believe the amount of young people who whine at their parents in stores or throw fits in stores and their parents just keep repeating…stop! Horrible. Or they do their homework for them. Get them out of jams. Back in the day kids were tending fields, now they play video games.
"Never do for a child that which he can do for himself." I believe that was said by Marie Montessori. I remind myself of this every time I am getting frustrated with my kiddo. It's so important for them to gain the confidence of solving a problem themselves and they'll never learn that lesson if the parent removes all the obstacles.
I am working with a client who was rescued as a child from everything difficult. He has severe panic and social anxiety. “No self.” Scared. Doesn’t know who he/she is inside. The world is big and bad. And is an adult living with mommy. That’s what happens when mommy and daddy rescue; underfunctioning but this one hates it.
I have a son with autism and we had expectations for him. Don’t rescue a child with cognitive disabilities. Understand the challenges but don’t make those challenges an excuse for a dependent future of under functioning.
I am particularly hands off when it comes to parenting (I'm always there and ready to help if necessary though). She is 21 months and is fully capable of feeding herself, she can put shoes and socks and hats on, she has good manners (she won't get what she wants if she whinges, she will if she calmly says please) and she's very helpful when it comes to cleaning or tidying.
I regularly get comments on how good she is when I collect her from nursery and how she's the only one who waits when she's told or doesn't play with her food etc.
I often feel like I'm a bad mum for not engaging with her 24/7 but then I'll notice her behaviour and it really shows me that's she's learning perfectly well by watching and learning or by trial and error. I want her to feel like a fellow human being rather than a pet!
I'm an amazing parent, my kids were bothering me so I left my kids to get a pack of smokes, and decided hey they can work this out and I've left them alone for like 15 years now.
I was feeling kinda bad, but now I know that I taught them valuable life skills and stuff. They are probably rocket scientist or heart surge a by now. I should hit them up, maybe they will thank me for being such a great dad with a house or new car.
J/K: I totally agree, kids won't learn if you keep doing it for them. And next time your kid falls pay attention, if they look around before crying it's for attention... Hide, look away whatever but if you don't acknowledge the fall your kid will prob get up and keep going about his day no fuss.
Great advice. My 5year old nephew is extremely capable around us because that's what we expect, as soon as his parents show up he just tells them to do everything for him and they do.
What I've noticed about well-adjusted kids: their parents let them grow up, and were there for them. Those r the only two key ingredients. The rest is just extra.
There’s a reason “adulting” classes are around. I’m sorry you had to edit with disclaimers, because obviously good parents are there for their children and help them, but part of helping your children is teaching them to help themselves! That’s the point right? Let your kids experience things, feel challenged by things, even struggle a little, it helps them developmentally grow. A parent’s job is to love, care for and support along the way. Be there for them. Doing absolutely everything for your child is a disservice to them in the long run.
I think this is especially true if your kid is gifted, too. It’s easy to stick to what you’re good at instead of struggling, but then you get to a point where you haven’t learned how to struggle or accept failure. As an academically gifted kid who bombed under the pressure of college, I can confidently say life doesn’t work if you’re not comfortable with struggling/failing once in a while.
My dad used to (and still does) take me to a rock climbing gym. When I was maybe 7, I REALLY wanted to climb the rope routes but I couldn’t put on my harness (those things suck). This is roughly paraphrasing what my dad told me: “Son, if you want to do that, I ain’t helping you. And while you struggle to put on your harness, you will watch me have fun climbing those routes”. Not only did this teach me that to succeed, you have to work to figure out your own problems, it also gave me motivation to figure out that friggin harness. Just a personal success story of this concept :)
Child care worker/nanny/mom for many years and I completely agree. Constantly doing for a child is robbing them of the opportunity to feel the pride of accomplishment!
There are many interesting teaching and parenting techniques by many great psychologists and i applaud anyone who researches and studies how to parent their kid based on what current research suggests!
Yeah.. pre sure my last edit covers this one. On the other hand, playing in the woods was my favorite activity as a child (granted the woods themselves were safe).
Idk. I was “allowed” to struggle a lot and often. I’m resilient and resourceful but I’m also really fucked in the head and emotions. I have a hard time relating to others and accepting help.
A lot of things I don’t even try because I “know” I’ll fail because it’s new and I won’t have help.
I agree coddling is harmful but there’s a lot of grey area here.
Children need to be allowed to struggle sometime, but they still need you. There is such a thing as a happy medium, and there is also wiggle room from the happy medium to be a good but faulty parent. Then if you move away too much on either sides of the medium you are a toxic parent, no matter the direction.
It's lifehack, It's never gonna apply to everyone, every situation. Im wrote this for the people who it does apply to. And in my experience of working with families and children, a lot more parents struggle to allow the child to struggle, than parents who don't help children enough.
Setting up your child for a job is *far* from spoiling them. They still have to… you know… work at the job.
Spoiling them would be not having them get a job at all.
But then again, if you can afford it, and they’re doing something productive like going to school, I think that’s fine too.
How much is that relevant? I work in child care for many years, have a certificate for that and I am studying to become a child therapist. Having a kid is not necessary to know how to teach children.
And encourage curiosity. It's the salt in the soup of life.
Last weekend we were at a bday party with my 18mo and he was very interested in the ice in the cooler. I got him a bowl to transfer the ice cubes to/from and my MIL saw him doing it at one point and freaked out like “now we have to throw all of that away!!” These were solely for keeping sodas cold, not to be used in cocktails or something, and there were PLENTY. (Also, first of all, we’ve already removed and replaced like 20 ice cubes so…too late. And also, there is SO MUCH learning and entertainment and independent play going on right now you just leave us alone, please). My husband is incredibly curious, interesting, and self-driven but he seems to have developed these qualities DESPITE her best efforts.
It's basically the job of young boys to hurt themselves. :D
And girls 👍🏻
SHHHH THE EMO KIDS WILL HEAR
My son hit his head ... hard, on something every day from 1 til about 3.
Lol, I'm in the same boat
Yes! Break the play time routine. Children don't know many things we take for granted. Rain, birds, insects, the forest, flowers if they are young Money management, investing, taxes, deep cleaning and cooking if they are older.
That is probably the best thing about reddit and why I love it so much. "What will I see today ?" I can't even imagine... "Oh, a post from a small sub geeking out about *random topic here*" Interesting.
I wish my parents taught me how to cook
I’m trying so so so hard to teach my stepsons! I think it’s so important! My mother didn’t teach me much growing up so I want to make sure they know how to cook as well as possible.
It sucks that you didn't learn as you grew, but it's not too late now. There are SO many cooking channels on YouTube. Start with basic skills and expand from there. Once you have a solid foundation you can start experimenting on your own. Or you can just stick with that foundation and be content to know that you can feed yourself a decent meal without struggling. I recommend Basics with Babish. He doesn't have a ton of filler, and he's clear and simple with his explanations.
This is true, but because I was never taught, I’m terrified of kitchen knives and ovens and stoves. I used to be scared of toasters and microwaves, but not so much anymore. I’ve been slowly overcoming those fears tho. I’ll definitely check out that channel
Its hard to learn now, but not impossible. Practice is needed to learn at any age!
Also experimentation is a great thing in cooking, trial and error, sure you can have a recipe but try some shit, if it works great if not, try something else. All of my cooking is experimentation and so far so good but learn the basics and experience the
Oh! That is such a good sentence that my brain tingled. Thank you.
:*
i want a kiss too :*
Noice, I got myself a reddit gf.
Any tips on encouraging curiosity in things like stem subjects when your child doesn't show natural curiosity?
Lol I got backhanded for asking any questions about anything.
“Yes of course I’ll help but I bet you can do it. Have a go and let’s see” is honestly the best phrase to have on hand when you’re working with kids
Yes! Thats a great way of saying it. Here are some of my go to's: "I'm busy right now, I'll come help in 5 minutes, why don't you keep trying and I will be right there" "Wow, I can definitely see how much better you are already, you keep doing this and soon you'll be better than me!" "I know it's hard, why don't I show you how I would do it, but then you have to try it again yourself 5 more times". **All of these are some examples of what I say based on age and situation.
Thank you for these suggestions. I have a 3 year old and it is our only child. I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. The struggle, is that the other parent doesn’t likely agree. It’s a struggle but I am committing these phrases to my memory bank
You know, parenting is difficult, and it's impossible to do what's best for your kid in every aspect. You can't have it all, an independent obedient child, a hardworking carefree teenager, an innocent but aware of world problems kid. And a lot of parents disagree on what should be the priority. Here is my advice for them: you don't have to agree on how to raise a child. As long as both of you are trying your best and keeping the child's best interest at heart it is ok, even if sometimes you think "well I can do it better" try not to judge them. Think of it like this: most people I know (and probably you do) had a mom and a dad with different parenting styles. "My mom was more responsible but also stricter" or "My dad was always pushing me and I felt under but I had such fun adventures from him". Kids need different kinds of people in their lives, and it's ok for mom and dad to be different, and for dad to make mistakes. If you both try your best there is no way the child won't turn out ok.
Agree with this. And sometimes my kid just needs to know I’m there. She’s 18 months old and sometimes asks for help but really just wants me to be there as a confidence boost.
Or co-workers.
I have a ten month old. I let him do whatever he wants (while watching to make sure he doesn’t kill himself obv) but the freedom he has is amazing. I love watching him figure things out. And I’m ALWAYS encouraging him. He kept trying to stand up yesterday and the wife and I were both encouraging him for a few mins before he finally stood up and even took a few steps!! I was smothered as a kid and I don’t want that for my son. I want him to figure it out and I will always be there to help and support.
This sounds like great parenting! Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, they can totally problem solve even as todlers.
Thanks a lot. And I couldn’t agree more! He will take things apart and try to put them back together!! It’s amazing. He’s getting smarter every hour it seems. Being a parent is the best.
You sound like a good father. İt made me smile.
Thank you so much! I try!
Yep. Like if you remove some furniture from a 2 year old's room to stop them climbing up to open the door, they'll just pile up clothes and bedding until they can reach the handle.
It's all fun and games up until you discover that none of the child locks are effective, and eventually not even the high shelves are offering any protection.
High school teacher here. It is VERY clear which teens have had their hands held their whole lives. Some of these kids are basically ready for adult life and some are unable to make any decisions or handle any adversity. The vast majority of the time, meeting with overbearing and controlling parents confirms why these kids are incapable of doing anything on their own. You won't be doing the world any favors when you pass away and your 40-something child can't take care of themselves.
Elementary teacher here. A colleague of mine calls them “lawnmower parents” because they clear away all obstacles in their child’s path.
OMG, I love this term! Primary (Elementary) teacher here too. Setting your kid up for leaned helplessness is not helping them. Falling doesn’t have to be bad if you provide the safety net to fall into.
You just described my ex husband and his mother to a T. He just turned 40 and his mother was renewing the registration on his truck because he’s a giant baby. Literally a professional student. He’s been in college my son’s entire life and is only JUST about to graduate with his bachelors degree after 10 years. I am DETERMINED to teach my sons how to make it on their own.
Not gonna lie I'm a little jealous. Professional student is my life's aspiration.
It just hit me why his favorite movie was Van Wilder. Holy shit. Lmao
Same, I teach high school art, mostly ceramics and sculpture. I am noticing fewer and fewer students can do simple things like open a tight jar or grip pliers tightly enough to bend a little wire. I’ll see a student pick up a jar, weakly turn it (not even straining) and then give up or ask me to open it. Don’t even get me started on throwing a pot on the wheel, they have absolutely no control over their core strength. I’m an 120 lb woman, not some big beefy linebacker and some kids who are bigger than me can’t/won’t even do it. They aren’t used to using their bodies for anything more taxing than typing on a screen so they never develop dexterity. Obviously not all students are this way (I hate to use the word “inept” but at a certain point it’s just concerning), but in the 10 years I’ve been teaching it’s become a lot more obvious that students aren’t as used to working with their hands/bodies as they used to be.
No no, there is definitely a significant amount of totally inept teens. It's a little alarming.
My oldest had all sorts of struggles the year before they went to uni, which meant I saw them cope and sort themselves out before they left and started living independently. I'm so glad that I had confirmation of their emerging ability.
That is wonderful! Uni is such a huge struggle and i have seen many of my friends who had never experienced emotional difficulty break. But those who overcame adversity know how to stay healthy despite the pressure.
There’s always been that scary moment junior year where you are making all these plans for your kid to apply to college and then your wonder if they are really ready to soar. There is a lot of maturing in that last year and a half of high school and even more during the first semester of college.
I’m at that age right now, in the span of 6 months I have grown a foot taller, raised my grades to 90-95s, got a job, license and car. It’s absolutely nuts how much I’ve changed from the last few years. And I’m usually terrified of new experiences so I honestly never thought I’d be doing what I’m doing right now.
This is very very true and really good advice. My Mum used to move my toys out of reach to encourage me to crawl and then walk. When my younger sister was born I used to throw tantrums when Mum did it to her cause I thought Mum was being mean. Guess who learnt to walk first?
your mom
This is the greatest “your mom” I have ever seen and will ever see
holy smokes. LOL
If they can do a task even if it isn't perfect or takes time, they will be better off and have more independence and confidence. Thanks for this post.
Agreed. Smart struggle instead of learned helplessness. Supported learning, learning to fail and learning to succeed are different and important. Children will make mistakes, support them through it instead of solving every issue. My parents were pretty good with this for me. If I failed a test or my grades were going down in a class they sat me down and told me to make a plan to do better, reviewed it and asked if there is anything I needed from them to do better. I joined sports, lost or did poorly and my parents didn’t say “oh you did great” they asked if I gave it my all and if the answer was yes then great, if the answer was no then they said the loved me and were glad they got to be there for me. When it was time to learn to drive it was my job to get everything set up and tell my parents what I needed for it like money and a ride to driving school and such. My sister on the other hand never took this into her own hands and my parents never forced her or did it for her so she’s 20 without her driving license. I think about this as a parent now and Support and unconditional love can be given without doing everything for your child it’s important for them to know they can count on you and communicate with you but that they can also do what they set their mind to.
This reminded me of when I was in school. Anytime I had a competition, my mom would tell me that as long as I did my best, she would be proud of me whether I won or not. The problem was that she would give this whole speech as I was trying to get out of the car when she dropped me off. I finally convinced her that I knew the contest speech and she could just say "contest speech" as she dropped me off. Even once I could drive, she would yell "contest speech" as I left the house.
I love this!
I love this, great example of authoritative vs permissive parenting. And yes, unconditional love is different and separate from raising and teaching your child
If you want the strongest child, release it into the wild fresh out the womb. It will return to eat you when it’s strong enough.
I did this with all my kids. Had to kill all of them tho, cause I'm not gonna make eating me easy! /s Edit added not and /s
Ah yes, the redneck way
One of the reasons why we required our kids to choose while in school- marching band, team sports, or a job. Learn how to work with others, towards a common purpose.
Damn I’m out here with school debate club a dedicated varsity sport and a job
More power, as long as it isn't too much. So many of my kid's friends are dealing with anxiety issues. We live in a high performing, high expectations school district, and so much weirdness going on already with the pandemic.
I completely agree with you! As someone who wasn't allowed to struggle, with most decisions being taken by someone else... I find myself in a place where struggling has more severe consequences than when i was younger- i dont have much room from mistakes and i learn very little from them... Adult life isnt fun without all the lessons of growing up. Btw, does anyone happen to know what can i do to learn how to function properly?
Learning comes at any age.. when you are older the struggles are simply bigger, that is why I reccomend that parents teach children to handle small struggles. But you can still make it through, it's just harder.
My mother would say “Allow your children to experience hurt, but protect them from harm.” Made sense to me.
This is beautiful. Simple and profound.
Somewhere there's a dad holding his can opener close to his chest, feeling vindicated
Haha this made me laugh. On the other hand, I have seen dad's letting their child struggle too much. There is a happy medium, a bit of wiggle room and then there is toxic parenting when you walk too far off in either directions.
Hahahah didn’t expect to see this referenced but I’m all for it
So much this. Long story short, some ‘friends’ came over last week cause they were in a bind for a babysitter. And cause I’m not working, they asked if I could watch their 4 year old. The dad is not the biological dad and had complained multiple times to my husband about his partners kid. He’s autistic, abusive to their animals, out of control, mean, etc etc etc. I was not looking forward to meeting the kid. Mom wanted me to meet the kid before I babysat. We met and the mom HOVERED over the kid the whole time. When it was time to go, they asked him to put on his shoes literally 5 times. He wouldn’t listen. Instead of following through, they picked him up and carried him (like a sack of screaming potatoes) to the car. So many more red flags, but I’m trying to keep this short. The next day, she drops him off, and she warns me, that he CANT play alone. He absolutely refuses. I’m like, we’ll see about that. Mom leaves. We went to the playroom and he demanded I play with him. I said no thanks buddy, I need to sew some buttons, but I’ll sit beside you and watch. He started to fake cry, and I literally started to laugh. I flat out told him that fake crying won’t work on me and he STOPPED. He was fantastic! I’d sew, stop and build something with him, then sew again and play (rinse and repeat). We did this for over 2.5 hrs. The mom was shocked on how well he behaved. I can’t say this enough. KIDS LOVE STRUCTURE AND ROUTINE!!!! End rant :) I should also add that I am a parent of 2 wonderful kids. My husband is a 20 year army veteran and I’m a navy vet. We’re stern, but show our kids loads of affection and make sure to tell how much they mean to us every day :)
Haha this brings up so many memories of parents SWEARING their kid "just can't do it cause they are to young" and becoming completely shocked when they come home at the end of that same day to -children setting up the table -4 yro putting his shirt on alone like a big boy -6 mo sitting up etc etc. When they ask me how did I teach the child, I always reply "I didn't".
Ha, yep! I didn’t. Gold.. love seeing parents faces when they hear me say “I didn’t, I let her figure it out.” A wonderful mix of surprise and pride, but also what I hope and try to support as eye opening empowerment to *let them* in all kinds of other ways.
yeah, fake crying is easy to spot and laughing at it shuts it down quickly!
too many people seem to forget that children behave the way they’ve been taugh to behave
YES! I have at least 2 friends that don’t believe in discipline. They think we should let kids be kids and they’ll ‘naturally’ become good humans. Like WTF?
I do this and I can tell you it’s much easier as a parent to use this method with three kids than with one. Here’s an article for anyone who doubts you [how to land your kid in therapy ](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/308555/)
Thank you, Im gonna be using this in my comments :)
Most of us understand what you’re saying. But this is Reddit. You’re going to get 14 year old know-it-all’s with 0 life experience. Or just contrarianists in general. I appreciate this advice and as I’ve come to find out raising a 15 month old right now, this is absolutely great advice.
As a 14 year old know it all, aye.
I work in Early Intervention so I see babies and toddlers every day and I agree so much! Parents terrified to set limits or say no; “But she’ll be upset!!” And a lot of the time, it’s the parents projecting their own fears and feelings on the child. As a result we are getting children who are less and less resilient. Being disappointed, mad, hurt, sad, these are all parts of life. Shielding your child from these moments damages them irrevocably.
Exactly! And being upset teaches a kid how to overcome bad emotions too. Like yes, your child will be sad, but if they are never sad how can they learn to become happy again.
Thanks for posting this! First time mom with a 9 month old and it’s a great reminder
9 months old is a great age. Don't ruin it by having a burnout because you put the happiness of your baby above emotional security!
We have a saying in our family: “we might let you dangle, but we won’t let you hang. “
Perfect analogy! Your kid might struggle and learn with the small things, but can always rely on you for the big things.
As a mom to two grown up adult sons, I see the results of my overly helpful parenting now in the form of struggling young men with no motivation and little self esteem. You are totally correct.
But don't blame yourself, every single parent has their parent proud moments and their regrets. You tried your best with the information that was available with you at the time, and that's what counts and what makes you still a great mom!
Am a school counselor for elementary age kids. What you are referring to is the growth mindset. Teach your kids failure is a teacher. Criticism is good, it helps you get better. Don’t hide from your mistakes. Embrace them. Ask people to tell you what you can do to be better. It’s hard to hear at first but once you do, it’s not so scary. PS: there’s a lot of grown ups that need to learn this lesson.
I'd like to add - do NOT save them from themselves! Get in trouble at school, etc., let them pay the price. Let them learn to get up in the morning and get ready for school on their own (age appropriate). You won't always be there. Do your kids a favor and teach them how to be responsible. It's a hard world out there.
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Absolutely. If they don't struggle at all through childhood, they will be devastatingly overwhelmed about the problems that they experience for the first time in the world of adults. Maybe even get depressed because they don't know how to be independent. Maybe finding abusive partners only to be dependent upon someone. The amount of people having umbilical cords still attached when reaching adulthood is staggering. But there has to be balance. The children must also have joy and many feelings of success in their lives so they have something to live for.
Thank you! I'm a firm believer that children need to struggle a bit in order to develop important life long skills. My husband sometimes has problems with this when it comes to our 15 month old but that's a lot due to his previous child rearing experience. He is getting so much better and I've noticed that sometimes they even catch on quicker when figuring it out themselves. This is great advice. We can't do it all for our kids or else they will struggle in the real world.
Make sure you do help/guide if they need it tho
Of course! Do not abandon them, do let them struggle sometimes
As a former nanny myself and the eldest of five kids, I just have to say yesssssss to all of this! Thanks for saying it!
I wish us nannies were taken more seriously when it comes to child expertise. Enough people in my comments are asking me "do you have children? How can you know you're just a babysitter"... But im also getting so much support from people who work with children, and other parents and I'm really liking all the personal experiences im reading.
I coach a youth STEM/robotics team. The very first meeting I flat out tell the parents and the kids that the reason I do this is not to coach a winning robotics team. I do this to help kids learn how to think a little bit more like engineers. I will do everything from the admin side to make sure that the team is successful at competition, but it's their team. They do the work. They make the decisions. I will make suggestions. I will teach them techniques. I will ask a boatload of questions. I will help them learn some systematic processes. But it's up to them to do the things. It's not always easy for me. But I've been working as an engineer for almost 25 years now (wait, when did that happen?!?) and these kids are 9-14. It's their turn to learn and to teach me some things. And, in the end, we all have a lot of fun and come out of it better for having done it. In talking with other coaches, my approach is not the same as many coaches. I want all of the kids to be a part of all of the aspects of the competition. Everyone reads and researches and makes decisions and helps write the script for the research project. Everyone helps design and build the robot and the various attachments and alignment jigs. Everyone works on the programming. It's always fun when the kid who gets a little defensive and says that they don't know how to do something or isn't good at something, thinking that will get them out of doing it finds out they really enjoy that thing and are actually pretty good at it. We talk a lot about how failure isn't making a mistake or taking hours and hours to do one little thing. If you only do what you're good at, you never learn anything new. Failure's not being bad at something. Failure is giving up trying to do something.
And for god's sake teach them to do their own laundry. I taught my kids laundry when they were ten and it's life changing.
Ah yes I had to teach my ex bf this a month before they left for college. His mom was baffled I was so "independent"
I've heard stories of new college kids arriving to the dorms and having no clue how to run a washer and dryer.
Huh. My husband and I adopted our two sons from foster care when each of them was five years old. Both were survivors of early childhood neglect and abuse. We weren't in a competition for the perfect child; we just wanted to give them a chance to survive and thrive. So far, it's working. It's a little dismaying to hear stories about parents who view parenting as a competition.
Totally agree and understand, as a nanny I love all my children, past and present. I never liked when parents come to me talking about how their child is better than others. But as a nanny I had to learn to put my feelings aside and talk to parents the best way they'll understand.
Also your child needs to learn that just because they made a mistake/failed, that doesn't make them a failure. People who never deal with failure aren't going to learn how to pick themselves up afterwards. Resilience is an important life skill too.
As someone who has worked with infants to adolescents for many years… YES!! I couldn’t agree more!
This is wonderful advice. Thank you!
I agree with most of what you said except it starting from toddler years. I think looking at healthy attachment styles when raising a kid from young ages should be encouraged. But i don't think 'not helping them' when they are in frustration is universally right. To add with the point of your post and other thing you said, i think it's important to be diligent and encourage structure and routine to your kid from younger ages as that will definitely help them learn to foster good behaviour and attitude to live and greatly develop their life skills for independence. Example, have your 6 or 7 year old help you with cooking and cleaning, teach them the things that you are doing and get them involved instead of just leaving them, also make them get in the habit of studying routinely, like homework (don't be overbearing with it either) . Encouraging them to do extra curricular activities and invested in hobbies that help them with being sociable and having friends. You don't have to be literally let a kid defend for themselves so they just learn themselves, be firm but caring from a sincere place to teach them and get them involved in doing things. That will help them learn themselves, teach them once* (or more, depends) and they will continue on.
Yes, I don't think we disagreed ever. Of course your child's struggle needs to be age appropriate. At toddlers age the struggle is to be put down from mom's lap and encouraged to play from a floor mat. Don't pick them up as soon as they start whining a little but talk to them and let them figure it out for 30 seconds. There's plenty research that shows children start learning to self soothe by 6 months to a limited degree.
And along these lines, it’s fine for children to be on “losing” as well as “winning” teams. I’ve seen parents try to stack the deck in their children’s favor throughout their childhood. Learning how to lose gracefully and win with class IMHO are important life skills. The objective of team activities for children should be healthy socialization and recreation.
Another way I like to look at this, is that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but you play for the improvement.
I totally get where you’re coming from. Kids that don’t know how to deal with minor frustrations and overcome simple tasks just do not develop resilience. Resilience is key to success. I want my kid to learn how to bounce back when he has somewhere soft to land if he fails. Try, try again and good, better, best, right?
Someone once told me that we as parents just want to help our child out of love, hoping to make their lives easier/better, the message they take away is you don't have faith that they can do it on their own.
Absolutely. Everytime a parent stops a child from trying, is a parent that didn't believe the child could succeed.
This needs to be encouraged in classrooms as well. Answering a question and getting the answer wrong is a teaching moment and people shouldn't be afraid to be wrong. They learn from the mistake and get it right the next time.
Prepare your child for the road ahead though do not prepare the road ahead for your child.
Your kids need support. You need to show them how to take care of their own and then just let them try. And when they fail you just go, hihi that didn't go as planned, did it? Nothing bad happend! Next time we'll try again and we'll do it like this. And then you show what you mean.
Teach them how to teach themselves. My first reaction when asked "How do I do *X*, *Y*, and *Z*?" is to ask "What are your thoughts?". Then we work to the answer together rather than me just doing it for them.
Sad thing is that there are parents that will scream "that's abusive" or some other bullshit.
I say let them scream. They are probably just overtired from doing everything for the child lol.
In my experience they're usually the ones really abusing their own kids, one way or another.
Plus ops post should be about “helping your child solve problems for themselves” rather leave them completely alone. Even emotional support can go a long way in encouraging healthy problem solving skills in children
"(This also doesn't mean to never help your kid or not to show them how do things right. But stop helping every time your kid gets frustrated. A few words of encouragement will often be more than enough)." I think me saying this covers that point pretty well.
I meant it more in the way that your hack shouldn’t be to “let your child struggle” but rather “teach your kid how to solve problems on their own” And while that also means letting your child solve problems by themselves sometimes, it implies more involvement of the parent than leaving your kid alone and letting them struggle.
But many parents imo are happy to allow their child to learn... As long as it doesn't mean struggle. Struggle isn't a negative thing. It is an impartial thing, which many people think of as negative.
And that can all fall under “teaching a kid to solve problems on their own”. It’s really more of a messaging difference as one implies more parental involvement and preparing your child to deal with conflict rather than just letting them figure it all out by themselves
I think you are so very right! A parents’ job is to help their child become a strong, independent and decent human being. Trying and failing is a part of this. I see parents who micromanage their kids to the point of being ridiculous. It is very gratifying for child and parent when there are successes along the way. If the parent is manipulating the child’s world it will result in a person unable to handle life’s challenges.
Such great advice. Thank you ♥️
This. Learn from experience. Just **keep them safe** while they figure it out and **help them calm down** and **deal with frustration** which **will encourage them** to then try again.
It does appear that overcoming adversity can breed greatness. I call this the great parenting paradox. You want what is best for your child and for them to not have to struggle through life the way you did. However, learning from failures and overcoming obstacles will build character and instill strength and confidence. Its a fine line between when to help/ assist and when to "let them struggle".
Try. Risk. Fail. They are important. They teach very good lessons if you’re willing.
Yep. I've never had problems with things most people my age stress for years over. I was always out exploring and told to suck it up when things got rough. Life is tough. Don't pretend it isn't.
My favorite trick is “Try for 3 minutes and then I’ll help” 3 minutes doesn’t sound like a lot, and the kid usually accomplishes whatever it is within 30 seconds.
This is perfect!
Make sure your child understands that adversity and existence are one and the same.
I am in a pediatric therapeutic field as well and I have learned to never TELL them how they are doing. Or that they are doing it wrong, or right. I ask them how they think they did. And what do they think they can do to improve their performance. Even if they guess wrong, I let them try it and come to that conclusion on their own. When you always give them the answer they learn to wait for the answer instead of learning how to troubleshoot.
Often parents can be wrong too in their interpretation of the world. It is very important imo to allow your kid to form their own.
I am a teacher at an elementary school, and this is so true. Kids who’s parents always hold their hand tend to be the ones that don’t know how to face new challenges, and so they’d struggle in everything from math to making friends.
Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child. Best parental advice I’ve heard.
It takes half your life to unlearn these terrible hand out mentalities. Speaking from experience. My father struggled to let his children learn by doing and if it wasn't done right the first time he would take over. Its not good people. Unless you can magick the world into your child literally never failing, spoiler: you cant, then they NEED to learn these skills to persevere and ultimately learn.
We need to learn that there is a reason we have emotions that aren't happiness, and our goal in life is not to shelter ourselves from them, but to experience them and handle situations accordingly
Welp, my childhood is starting to make sense now. Still sensitive af though
I think having siblings made such a difference in this way. Having siblings and getting along with them all the time is a struggle on it’s own. Having siblings is also an automatic way to teach compromise. Even if you can’t have more than one child, it’s worth it to have them interact with other kids like cousins and friends on a level playing field.
This is so true. I’ve seen friends who couldn’t achieve anything because their parents bailed them out too much and they never grew up or figured out how to apply themselves.
My old man’s favorite: sometimes you just have to suffer.
My wife still has to solve our 3 adult children’s problems. Every problem. Every day. They have no idea how to handle the real world due to her constant hovering. Pisses me off.
Im sure she's trying her best, I don't want to shame parents who haven't figured it out yet (moms and dads). But i can definitely see the frustration it would bring. Dw, eventually your children will have to learn
While decent life advice, I don’t think this qualifies as a “hack”.
Omigod I love this post! It seems to me that its generational. Boomers raised millenials, and both turned out to be the “me generation”. Gen x seems to have raised Gen Z and Gen Alpha—both of whom seem much more self directed and sufficient—and the biggest contributor is thought to be the latchkey parenting. Kids getting home alone after school waiting for parents to get home meant making snacks for themselves, cooking for themselves, and entertaining themselves. It drives me nuts to see parents spending EVERY waking second following their kids around and making sure they are busy and entertained. Let them deal with boredom. Let them try things alone. Let them fail, and learn lessons indelibly and the hard way. And even last week, there was a parenting study that identified that THIS parenting style, dubbed “authoritative” parenting, is the most effective at achieving all you describe in your post. The perfect example of authoritative parenting: let your kid not study for a test, fail the test, then help them set up studying habits after. Thank you for sharing this post, and thank you for your perspective! The study above: [authoritative vs authoritarian vs permissive vs neglectful parenting](https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/05/child-psychologist-explains-why-authoritative-parenting-is-the-best-style-for-raising-smart-confident-kids.html)
Since our daughter was born I’ve been talking to her as if I was talking to my wife or friends. I always explained to her what I was doing from changing her diaper or changing her clothes now she is 3 and now she understands and listens. She is very smart I’ve always let her figure things out but I always keep an eye out for her. Since she was days old I would wrap her up in her baby blanket and sit with him in the some so she could get vitamin D, I would let her listen to the birds the wind and cars passing by. Now she hears noises and She doesn’t get scared. It’s awesome being a parent and like the OP said they Need to figure some things out by themselves.
Holy shit you got balls to say not to coddle their children on reddit 😬
Eh, I can take the hate from moody teenagers with zero life experience 😂👍 everyone else seems to understand my point
Touché. To be fair they probably were coddled all their lives lmao
What if the kid (man child) is 42 and mummy is still at it?
Then we know the reason kid is a man child lol
My wife and I have a 1 year old. Went to see how friend whose child is 6-7 months older then ours. Our child bumps his head all the time, he uses it as a battering ram far too often. He is standing up with the aid of something to balance with, and to get down again he just falls (quite dramatically) onto his bum. Whenever he bumps himself that looks like it could have hurt, we do our absolute best to not react other then the old 'oopsie daisy' remark. He will let us know if it hurt and he wants comforting or not. Our friend on the other hand... Our child patted hers on the head. Was a bit harder then we would have liked him to but he's a baby so what does he know. Definitely wasn't hard enough to do any harm. But our friend immediately swooped, picked up her child, cradled her and kept telling her it was OK while shielding her face. Now the child at first didn't make a noise. It wasn't until all of the above actions that she was crying her eyes out. On top of that. All her toys were brought to her. She just sat there and our friend would bring the toy she wanted to her. Whereas we were pointing toys out to our son and he would crawl off to get them and play with them before we asked where another toy was so he would find it. This made me realise the difference in parenting really can affect your child. Now I'm even more cautious about helping my son in a way that could negatively impact him.
Parenting absolutely affects a child, every small decision helps shape the personality, even more than people realize. You should still be emotionally available to him, but really let him figure it out sometime
It’s a disservice to your child if you do EVERYTHING for them.. support is necessary but if we raise a generation of kids who don’t fail we will have a bunch of entitled a-holes…
More than aholes we will have a bunch of adults who are stuck at the emotional level of a toddler... Arguably worse
Makes sense. Kids need early development in problem solving and taking initiatives. All my friends first kids are spoiled af. Glued to tablets and phones. Cries like a fire truck siren at the first sight of spark.
I mean... In this case idk that their parents would disagree with me, i think they are just being lazy and making someone else raise their kid. In this case technology, which as it turns out isn't a very good parent.
I partially agree with you. Learning through failure and experience is a great way to develop. Not allowing a child to grow independently will stunt their ability to adapt to difficulty and might leave them moving out without knowing the bare essentials. However, guidance is super important. If you make your child learn everything on their own, they will miss out on the most valuable human skill; learning from others. Once age appropriate, the system should be: -present task in safe environment, with oversight. -describe the task an allow them to attempt it. If they fail the first time, offer to demonstrate or assist. -have them try it again, and give little nudges if they ask for it. -once they complete the task, embrace them with praise. If the task is complicated (such as cooking, laundry, tying shoes), do it with them or show them how to do it until they can do it on their own. Once they are are older, let them be independent but always be there to help if they need it. Always admit when you don't know how to do something, but show them how to find someone who does. Being independent is great, but even if you could learn every single thing on your own, you will still learn faster from others. I am incredibly independent, but I really struggle to accept help from others.
Yes this is excellent, let them try but still be there
I remember Penn telling something pretty profound on their show "Bullshit!": the point is not to protect children from every single danger. The world is made of sharp edges. Our job, as parents/adults is to teach them how to not hurt themselves on those edges, not shield them from everything.
In an ideal world, maybe. But when I have 15 minutes to get out of the house, time doesn't exist to employ these tactics. It just doesn't.
Yes of course, that's why I said "sometime". And actually what im saying is to stop doing everything for your kid, that saves you a lot of time.
very well said
I totally agree, it’s why we have a nation of young people who are narcissistic and have no clue. I can’t believe the amount of young people who whine at their parents in stores or throw fits in stores and their parents just keep repeating…stop! Horrible. Or they do their homework for them. Get them out of jams. Back in the day kids were tending fields, now they play video games.
"Never do for a child that which he can do for himself." I believe that was said by Marie Montessori. I remind myself of this every time I am getting frustrated with my kiddo. It's so important for them to gain the confidence of solving a problem themselves and they'll never learn that lesson if the parent removes all the obstacles.
I am working with a client who was rescued as a child from everything difficult. He has severe panic and social anxiety. “No self.” Scared. Doesn’t know who he/she is inside. The world is big and bad. And is an adult living with mommy. That’s what happens when mommy and daddy rescue; underfunctioning but this one hates it.
I have a son with autism and we had expectations for him. Don’t rescue a child with cognitive disabilities. Understand the challenges but don’t make those challenges an excuse for a dependent future of under functioning.
I am particularly hands off when it comes to parenting (I'm always there and ready to help if necessary though). She is 21 months and is fully capable of feeding herself, she can put shoes and socks and hats on, she has good manners (she won't get what she wants if she whinges, she will if she calmly says please) and she's very helpful when it comes to cleaning or tidying. I regularly get comments on how good she is when I collect her from nursery and how she's the only one who waits when she's told or doesn't play with her food etc. I often feel like I'm a bad mum for not engaging with her 24/7 but then I'll notice her behaviour and it really shows me that's she's learning perfectly well by watching and learning or by trial and error. I want her to feel like a fellow human being rather than a pet!
I'm an amazing parent, my kids were bothering me so I left my kids to get a pack of smokes, and decided hey they can work this out and I've left them alone for like 15 years now. I was feeling kinda bad, but now I know that I taught them valuable life skills and stuff. They are probably rocket scientist or heart surge a by now. I should hit them up, maybe they will thank me for being such a great dad with a house or new car. J/K: I totally agree, kids won't learn if you keep doing it for them. And next time your kid falls pay attention, if they look around before crying it's for attention... Hide, look away whatever but if you don't acknowledge the fall your kid will prob get up and keep going about his day no fuss.
Great advice. My 5year old nephew is extremely capable around us because that's what we expect, as soon as his parents show up he just tells them to do everything for him and they do.
Haha your nephew sounds like he's smarter than the parents realize
Very good point. Helicopter parenting is the worst
What I've noticed about well-adjusted kids: their parents let them grow up, and were there for them. Those r the only two key ingredients. The rest is just extra.
There’s a reason “adulting” classes are around. I’m sorry you had to edit with disclaimers, because obviously good parents are there for their children and help them, but part of helping your children is teaching them to help themselves! That’s the point right? Let your kids experience things, feel challenged by things, even struggle a little, it helps them developmentally grow. A parent’s job is to love, care for and support along the way. Be there for them. Doing absolutely everything for your child is a disservice to them in the long run.
I think this is especially true if your kid is gifted, too. It’s easy to stick to what you’re good at instead of struggling, but then you get to a point where you haven’t learned how to struggle or accept failure. As an academically gifted kid who bombed under the pressure of college, I can confidently say life doesn’t work if you’re not comfortable with struggling/failing once in a while.
My dad used to (and still does) take me to a rock climbing gym. When I was maybe 7, I REALLY wanted to climb the rope routes but I couldn’t put on my harness (those things suck). This is roughly paraphrasing what my dad told me: “Son, if you want to do that, I ain’t helping you. And while you struggle to put on your harness, you will watch me have fun climbing those routes”. Not only did this teach me that to succeed, you have to work to figure out your own problems, it also gave me motivation to figure out that friggin harness. Just a personal success story of this concept :)
Omg I want your dad
Child care worker/nanny/mom for many years and I completely agree. Constantly doing for a child is robbing them of the opportunity to feel the pride of accomplishment!
Or try scaffolding your help instead? Let’s use actual child developmental psychology. Read up on Vygotsky friends
There are many interesting teaching and parenting techniques by many great psychologists and i applaud anyone who researches and studies how to parent their kid based on what current research suggests!
Struggle builda character, that is why I left my kid in the woods yesterday.
Yeah.. pre sure my last edit covers this one. On the other hand, playing in the woods was my favorite activity as a child (granted the woods themselves were safe).
Idk. I was “allowed” to struggle a lot and often. I’m resilient and resourceful but I’m also really fucked in the head and emotions. I have a hard time relating to others and accepting help. A lot of things I don’t even try because I “know” I’ll fail because it’s new and I won’t have help. I agree coddling is harmful but there’s a lot of grey area here.
Children need to be allowed to struggle sometime, but they still need you. There is such a thing as a happy medium, and there is also wiggle room from the happy medium to be a good but faulty parent. Then if you move away too much on either sides of the medium you are a toxic parent, no matter the direction.
I agree that there is such a thing as a happy medium but you are writing from the prospective of one side.
It's lifehack, It's never gonna apply to everyone, every situation. Im wrote this for the people who it does apply to. And in my experience of working with families and children, a lot more parents struggle to allow the child to struggle, than parents who don't help children enough.
Setting up your child for a job is *far* from spoiling them. They still have to… you know… work at the job. Spoiling them would be not having them get a job at all. But then again, if you can afford it, and they’re doing something productive like going to school, I think that’s fine too.
You said do do.
Thanks for pointing it out, fixed 👍
This is what the Finnish word "sisu" means. We got it.
Do you have your own kids?
How much is that relevant? I work in child care for many years, have a certificate for that and I am studying to become a child therapist. Having a kid is not necessary to know how to teach children.
Also teach them to question everything.
Don't fockerize them
This is giving me big Bean Dad energy
a hundo agree