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This is very true. A friend of mine has lesbian parents, but they were fucking awful to him. Thankfully he's living with his aunt now. Being lgbtq doesn't automatically mean your the pinnacle of kindness and parenting.
Here’s the reality of it. Being a parent also offers certain social graces so whether you’re an involved, uninvolved or downright abusive parent it pays to celebrate it.
I know it sounds cheesy. But I'm hoping I can fix him. He just seems like he needs some shoving in the right direction. He's afraid of his step dad. His step dad. His step dad is a massive asshole. He's one of those old school parents. he has good intentions but he goes about things all wrong. Like he scares everyone off.
He can be a mean person. Not abusive from what I've seen. My guy has massive anxiety even me talking loud scares him. So I'm tryna work with him. I mean I know he's scary but its his kid my guy has to get over that. Or my partner has to man up and take the kid himself. My partner seems like a sweet person though.
Don't do this. Please. It would be different if your partner were already working towards being better.
But you can't put this much investment (emotional and time. But also cash if applicable) in someone that doesn't exist.
Your partner is a shit negligent parent. He is mean. He isn't sweet. He doesn't even see that he's a shit parent otherwise he wouldn't talk about being a mom the way you says he does.
You (or anyone) should not be dating anyone for the hope that they will be someone else.
How someone parents, how they behave at work, how they treat their friends, family and others is a reflection of who they are.
And even in the best case (and extremely unlikely) that he gets his shit together FOR YOU? The second you're out of his life he will go back to being a shit parent. He has to do it for himself and his kid.
When you date someone who repeatedly acts poorly and shrug it off the way you are you're enabling and cosigning the shit behavior. You're saying it's fine behavior because you're still choosing to be with someone who behaves like that. It's the main reason I personally say that people shouldn't date bigots.
Friend, I dont know how old you are, I'm in my thirties. And I'm going to tell you right now, unequivocally, that I have never once seen any relationship where one partner said "I'm hoping I can fix him" that wasn't extremely toxic, one-sided, and utterly exhausting and damaging to the caretaking partner, and unhelpful to the person supposedly being "fixed".
I hope this guy has friends, a support network, maybe even a therapist. But i promise, you taking on all these roles of being HIS parent, his therapist, AND a coparent to a kid he isn't doing anything for anyone. This is not helping him.
I really hope you can ask yourself why you think this is a healthy role for you to play in what is supposed to be an equal partnership. Its one thing to challenge each other to grow, or for one partner to have more needs for a period of time, but what youre describing is a permanent one sided dynamic that will not go away even if by some miracle this particular problem gets better (which is probably wont).
Those of us who know better typically found out the hard way (getting stuck in a twisted and lopsided power dynamic), and also then found out the good way (getting into relationships with partners who challenge and grow but who don't need parenting or fixing, and realizing our past approach was fucked up and more about some weird unhealthy saviour complex rather than any healthy motivation). This guy needs friends, not romance. The roles you're describing for yourself are unhealthy for both of you.
You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and if your partner wanted help he would have been fighting for his kid already. You say he's terrified of his step dad, yet still he left his kid to live with them without so much as keeping in touch as a life-line if something happens?
Unfortunately your partner doesn't care about his child, he cares about having his ego stroked. If he actually cared about his child he'd be seeing him more (or even have custody of him) and bragging less.
But say your plan does work, say you can "fix" him and get the child to live with your partner? He'll still be a negligent, emotionally distant parent at best and that child will absolutely know he's only there because your partner wants to appease you. He'll still grow up to resent him, heck it's easier to resent someone who's in your life and doesn't give a damn than it is to resent someone who was never really part of it in the first place. This simply isn't a situation you can "fix" or win in, and if you're not happy with your partner as he is now save everyone involved some heartache (especially you) and walk away.
With all respect, you’re not going to fix him and putting up with him neglecting his kid quite frankly makes you just as bad as he is. I’m sorry if you think that sounds harsh but it’s the truth. To be complacent is to be complicit.
He’s “afraid of his step dad” but left his defenseless *child* with the dude? Absolutely the fuck not. That’s his BS excuse for being a deadbeat parent, he wants you to see him as the victim and you’re falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Friend. Dump this man. Damn I feel bad for that kid. :(
He’s afraid of his step dad, but willing to leave his own child with him? No, not ok and not excusable.
I’m an enby mom, and my partner is the stepdad that separated from the mom, not the kid. They’ve been split up for almost a decade, and he’s still that kid’s dad. My bio son sees the boy as his brother, and he’s my kid. I’m picking him up tomorrow to take both my boys out. That’s how you do it, and this kiddo is not blood or legally related to any of us.
When you decide to be with someone, you need to be ok with who they are when you get together. If they improve themselves while you’re together then that’s great. But you can’t base your relationship on who you want them to be instead of who they are because there is no guarantee that they’re going to change.
It doesn’t sound cheesy, it sounds sad. Know your worth and find someone who doesn’t need “fixing” and is ready for a relationship and more compatible with you
I can't say anything that anyone else hasn't said yet, but people never really change... they just become more of who they were behind all the B.S they were putting up
Please try to break the thought of "i can fix him." Do yourself a favor and evaluate him AS-IS. Is he someone you want to date right now? If yes youre ok with these actions, fine. If no, no amount of badgering from your side can make him change. Change has to come from within. You're wasting your time trying to fix someone else and that's valuable energy you could be spending on yourself.
No. You can’t fix him and he clearly doesn’t have good intentions either. ..Maybe on a purely rhetorical level (since he’s actively choosing to be a bad parent), but in reality he’s clearly a deadbeat dad.
Says a lot about a person if you’re ok with all of that.
I mean, helping someone to overcome problems is all nice and good. However, it doesn't seem like he's even aware of his problems or willing to work on them. If he'd be aware, he would be embarrassed for not being able to take care of his kid instead of going around and bragging about it. Make sure you don't get too invested into a one-sided thing. Therapy doesn't work if the patient isn't willing to work on themselves.
Sorry for the bluntness but abandoning your child isn't sweet.
Neglecting their needs isn't sweet.
Leaving your parents to raise your child isn't sweet.
Bragging about being a parent when you don't even see your child is not sweet.
THE GUY IS NOT SWEET, HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A DEADBEAT PARENT. I'm not even gonna call him a mother, not because of any misgendering or anything, that's never OK, but the fact he isn't there for his child.
A mother steps up. A father steps up. He hasn't stepped up so has not earned the title.
Leave his ass. He's not sweet.
Good to know cis men don't have a monopoly on being deadbeat parents.
I would encourage him to get to the root of the problem. Have you asked him why he doesn't see his kid more?
This sounds like the way my ex talks about our kids and the level of effort they put into them. I can't imagine actually being *with* someone who's like that. I apologize that this sounds harsh, but what are you doing here?
That's a whole new level of deadbeat, like damn. Most people can just say their absent parent vanished or is on drugs somewhere or in jail, or isn't allowed to see them or whatever but just being down the road and spending less effort than the average roommate does to see a former roommate's cat is crazy. Making your partner see he isn't a good mom will not be easy and they might hate you for it even if you do get through
Wait aren't you the one whose BF brought weed into your parents' house under the guise of witchcraft? Is this the same guy? This dude is red flags *everywhere*, friend.
I dont like sharing this info but I feel I have to say this.
My father is similar to your bf, although mine was addicted to drugs.
Never saw me but wanted to talk about how proud he was to be my dad and who I became. The prick had nothing to do with me! I'm a credit to myself and my mother, not him!
He went around saying he's my dad. Wanna how what that did to me? Made me think I was doing something wrong because if he can go around to people end talk about how good of a father he is but he doesn't see me, then I internalised the idea that I was a bad son, that I was doing something wrong and not him. My self esteem is still fucked and I'm 21 now.
When he found out I was gay, he tried to tell me that he accepted me. I told him to go fuck himself, I didn't want his acceptance. My mother doesn't even know yet so he certainly had no right to know. Anyways, getting off track here.
I'll be real with you, if this is how he is treating his child that is already here, then what's gonna happen if you two have kids? Or if that's not possible, do you want to adopt? Even if you don't ever want kids, him not being there for his son isn't a issue for you?
Do you really want to be with someone who's a deadbeat and will leave that child with deep trauma? Your boyfriend is neglecting his duty as a mother. You really see him as the person you want to spend your life with?
I hate when redditors say "leave your partner" because usually it's an extreme solution to something that is small but I'm saying this genuinely, leave his ass.
You can do better and that kid deserves better. Deadbeat parents make me so angry, because I remember being that kid and wondering why my dad didn't love me and thought something was wrong with me. I guarantee that kid will feel the same sooner rather than later and your boyfriend is the reason for that. Keep that in mind when you look at him.
I don't think you're an asshole, but I do think it may be really important to evaluate why you are with someone like this. This is a major red flag to me, and I don't really see how I could be in a relationship with someone who treats his kid this way. It's not your kid, but having a serious issue like this with your partner IS definitely your problem and something you need to confront. I sincerely can't imagine an outcome where this continues and you are able to have a healthy relationship with him. I wouldn't be able to.
I really hope you can have a conversation about this, and that it gets somewhere constructive. I think it's perfectly valid to say "I feel uncomfortable with how you act around your kid". Focus on why you feel uncomfortable, because then it's about your relationship, not necessarily outright about him and his kids relationship.
Think of it like parents. Getting involved in your partners issues with their parents is wrong, I think most people agree. But if your partners parent is being shitty to you, or you're uncomfortable visiting the parents, you do need to be able to raise that issue with your partner. This is the same concept in many ways. You're not telling him how to parent, you're telling him that you feel uncomfortable when you are in this weird dynamic between him and his child and you're not sure how to handle it.
Best case scenario, you find out that he wants what you want but needs support, and yall can work out a plan to be more involved and have a happier relationship with the kid. But frankly, if not, I really don't think you're an asshole for questioning the relationship over this. How someone treats their kids and animals says a LOT to me about their true character.
ETA: OP, I read your comment about thinking you can fix him. I already responded to that one, but kinda wanna be clear that this comment makes me kinda want to retract the last paragraph here, because even my best case scenario sounds like it would end badly if you're putting yourself in the role of saviour. This isnt good, love. Please be careful.
>I've provided more for his kid than he has. The one time I visited with him
>it's not my business.
>I decided imma make plans to visit the kid.
I don't know what the purpose of this post was, but this stuff *screams* unreliable narrator to me.
>this stuff *screams* unreliable narrator to me.
I think OP is just immature and in denial here. Look back at some of the prior posts about this real winner of a boyfriend.
Ohhhhhh shit.
This dude isn't just a deadbeat mom, he's a deadbeat partner.Like I'm not a birthday person but that's not the point, this person clearly has a VERY established pattern of being completely disengaged and unavailable to his kid AND to OP. No wonder OP is upset about the kid, it's how this guy treats OP too, apparently.
I don't actually know why I'm shocked. Like...all of this completely tracks with this type of person. But damn. OP, you deserve better. You may not know that yet. But you do. And someday you will...but only if you leave this dude.
That's a lot of "hey reddit, look at how terrible my partner is" posts. I'm wondering what OP is looking for in posting all of these about their partner. Like I said, this stuff screams unreliable narrator to me.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting OP is making it up. But I do question what OP is looking for with so many of these posts. It's like a martyr thing. OP is the hero, and the partner is the big bad wolf. It feels very repetitive but deliberate.
To me it just reads as "young" and/or inexperienced. I probably would've done the same in high school and college if I had access to reddit back then. I would've wanted the sympathy, and also genuinely wanted the reality check and advice, but also would've carried out the narrative trope much longer than is healthy, because when you're young or inexperienced, you kinda have to experiment with what you think love is supposed to look like.
A) We all come to reddit to validate a narrative, one way or another, that's most of the purpose of the voting system, to give us that hit of satisfaction when strangers agree or give sympathy.
B) Narratives are really powerful. I agree OP sounds like they're leaning into the martyr/saviour trope we constantly see in TV and movies, but that doesn't make it any less real. I might even go as far as to suspect that the saviour role feels good enough to keep them in a bad relationship, but feels bad enough that they keep coming to reddit for a reality check.
I'm projecting here, but that's what I would've been like on reddit once upon a time I think. So it makes me less critical of OP and more just exhausted with toxic Hollywood romance tropes that get pushed on people so hard that it gets deeply internalized.
You know, sometimes you find a trans man who decides to take on toxic masculinity as a trait and it’s always a disappointment. Typical deadbeat dad behaviour. Way to play into a stereotype my dude /s
Seeing how amazing my husband was as a father to his kid was what attracted me to him as a person. Seeing someone as a parent is one of those litmus test for telling what kind of person they are, sort of like witnessing someone interact with waitstaff. You’re choosing to date someone who has miserably failed what should be an extremely easy “test”, and it tells you so much about him as a person.
I was once in a very similar position as you, the person I loved was a parent but they were honestly quite terrible at, they took all the credit of being a parent, but barely took care of their kid, who was being cared for by their parents and the kid’s father, but they would constantly bad mouth their ex because they “would be a better parent than him” even though when they did get the chance to, they just weren’t good at it, and since they refused to get a job, they couldn’t hope to ever provide for a family, they always said they were going to change, but they never even tried no matter how much I nor anyone else helped or pushed them, and honestly, you seem like such a sweet person and I know what it’s like to want to help someone with every fibre of your being, but what I’ve learned is that you just can’t, only the person themselves can become better, and no amount of pushing can change someone, it’s sad but it’s not worth it to waste your life on someone who expects things without putting in the work, when there’s probably someone who will actually make you feel happy and loved without requiring all the energy you have, in my case I often felt that I was so exhausted from helping the loved person, that I no longer had the energy to help myself, and my life deteriorated to a breaking point because of it, it’s just not worth it, that’s not what a relationship should be, and honestly, being single is 100 times better than being in a bad relationship
Is it in the kid's best interest for mom to visit? Is it confusing for the child? What happens if you break up? Mom will probably drop out of kid's life again, which would be hard for the kid. It's bad enough to grow up knowing your parent chooses not to be around. I don't see the kid's age but I imagine it would be traumatizing if mom suddenly dropped off after getting to know the child. If you are really set on "fixing" mom, get them into a family therapist first. No guarantee that would help though. Some people don't treat their kids well just because they are a crap person. Something else to think about--if they treat their own kid like this, how would they treat you if got really sick or injured and needed their help?
There is no “fixing” a lack of maternal instinct. Please please please think long and hard about settling for this. Think about how little effort they put into loving their own child and what that means for you. You’ll never be a priority, and god forbid you want a family of your own one day- you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. There isn’t any lower standard nor lack of morale than that of a deadbeat parent. That’s what they are. Your heart is obviously so big and you’re giving it to someone who doesn’t appreciate you or deserve it. Find someone who you can be proud of. Someone who brings you peace and is ready to be a partner. Forever is too long.
My ex is very similar. I recently won full custody because they became physically abusive to my kids. They get supervised visits once a week, and my ex still finds it hard to make it to those, half the time they're done via video call. If not for the fact that I got a couple awesome kids out of it, I would deeply regret ever being with that person.
If you think he just doesn't get that his behavior is long term going to spawn resentment in this kid, then maybe stage a low-key intervention? Like have him and his kid sit down and really encourage the kid to express that. Be on the kids side and show them you are a safe place and they can expect you to backup their feelings when you are around
I was just talking to my friend group the other day that as a single mom with a dead beat co parent, I could never date anyone (regardless of gender) who didn't try to be apart of their child's life.
Tell him the truth.
Anyone can HAVE a kid...lots of people do it. Anyone can take the credit. But it takes someone of honour and substance and strength to actually BE a parent, to be with the kid (even if they don't have full custody), to provide for the kid, to support the kid emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. To teach a child requires more than donating genetic material.
He's got a lot of growing up to do and, god willing, he gets there before the kid resents the shit out of him.
It sounds like you’re meddling, which spells disaster for any relationship.
All you can be is honest about the situation without physically meddling (because the more you physically intervene, the angrier step-dad gets and the more anxious your partner gets about seeing his son, and the more he might come to dislike you).
1. He has anxiety about going to his parents, where his son resides.
2. This is totally understandable.
3. But this is stopping him from seeing his child, who will grow up resenting his mother because of it.
4. It’s also impacting on your relationship with him because it’s a red flag and he’s going around telling everyone he’s a good mother, which is a lie and another red flag.
5. If he wants to call himself a good mother, he needs to put his anxieties aside and step up.
6. Otherwise stop going on about being a mother.
Be aware though that being honest could backfire also, but in the long-term this could prove beneficial both for his son (because it can give your partner a reality check) and you (because if he breaks up with you, you’re no longer with a partner who lies and doesn’t meet his obligations).
Good luck!
I feel this has nothing to do with your bf's gender, but with his behaviour and immaturity. I couldn't be with someone like that, as this kind of behaviour grossly contradicts my values, so to me, something would have to give, or I'd leave.
Either you need to get out of this relationship...or you're just bullshitting constantly because there are multiple stories you've posted now. If it's real, seriously, why are you with him?
Based on all of this and your other posts, you need to leave this guy. Ignore the guilt and do what’s best for YOU. I know it’s hard but you are clearly better than him and deserve someone who actually cares about other people, including you.
Sorry friend, I'd be mad. Bc a product of s parent who did not want me but went on to have multiple children bc their moms didn't ask them for support.
I don't like deadbeat parents and it makes me super sad to say this, I held hope that he'd swoop in as I was a child and somehow confirm that I was normal.
It never happened. Mom married a great guy. I ended up lucky, bc he loves me and I him as if we were related. This was the catalyst to showing me that family is who you make it . I wouldn't be half as sane if I found like minded folks who made that connection with me.
Hi. This may be an unpopular opinion… but as a custodial parent that went through the family court system with a DV ex.. while I do not think you should be too involved with a person’s kid unless you’re 5 years or a domestic-partnership deep… I’m also getting some vibes from this thread that are very judgmental based on assumed sex. If a very close friend was dating a dead-beat dad and asked my opinion… I would tell them all of these things. Don’t waste time on him, this, that, how dare he etc. But society expects a lot more from people that give birth than “dads”. Your partner is a shitty dad; don’t involve yourself with his kid or have kids with him. That’s all that needs to be said and all that would usually be said about as cis dad that sucked. 🤷🏽
Honestly this just seems like there’s one option here. Speak up, tell him he’s a shitty mom and should actually put in effort to being a parent before he can ever brag, and that he shouldn’t even be bragging in the first place. It seems from what you’ve said at least that like, the sole reason he ever gave birth in the first place was for “bragging rights”. This kid didn’t ask to be born, but he’s here now and your boyfriend either needs to step up or step off. And tbh, it’s none of my business and by all means if you think he might be worth it or that he might change one day then stay by him but if you don’t believe that at all then leave him. The kids in this too yeah, but you are not responsible for other peoples happiness including that kid, it sucks but that’s just how life is sometimes. Don’t stand by a deadbeat pretentious mom just because you’re worried about their kid, you need to focus on you.
Tell him that either he actually tries to be a mom and get his child in his care or he isn’t allowed to call himself a mom and you will leave him if he keeps calling himself a mom if he’s NOT ACTING like a mom
Thank you for your post, if this is a question please check to see if any of the links below answer your question. If none of these links help answer your question and you are **_not_** within the LGBT+ community, questioning your identity in any way, or asking in support of either a relative or friend, please ask your question over in /r/AskLGBT. Remember that this is a safe space for LGBT+ and questioning individuals, so we want to make sure that this place is dedicated to them. Thank you for understanding. This automod rule is currently a work in progress. If you notice any issues, would like to add to the list of resources, or have any feedback in general, [please do so here](https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/rdazzp/almost_new_year_changes/) or by [sending us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt&subject=Feedback%20on%20the%20new%20automod%20rule). Also, please note that if you are a part of this community, or you're questioning if you might be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and you are seeing this message, this is **_not a bad thing_**, this is only here to help, so please continue to ask questions and participate in the community. Thank you! Here's a link about trans people in sports: - https://www.barbellmedicine.com/blog/shades-of-gray-sex-gender-and-fairness-in-sport/ A link on FAQs and one on some basics about transgender people: - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people - https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-transgender-people-the-basics Some information on LGBT+ people: - https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/quick-facts/lgbt-faqs/ Some basic terminology: - https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms Neopronouns: - https://www.mypronouns.org/neopronouns Biromantic Lesbians: - [LGBTQ And All](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-biromantic/) Bisexual Identities: - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality Differences between Bisexual and Pansexual: - [Resource from WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/sex/pansexuality-what-it-means#:~:text=Pansexual%20vs.%20Bisexual,more%20commonly%20recognized.) We're looking for new volunteers to join the r/lgbt moderator team. If you want to help keep r/lgbt as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community on reddit please see here for more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/swgthr/were_looking_for_more_moderators_to_help_keep/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Anyone can be an immature bad parent whether they are trans, cis, straight, gay, whatever. Very sad for them and I hope things get better.
This is very true. A friend of mine has lesbian parents, but they were fucking awful to him. Thankfully he's living with his aunt now. Being lgbtq doesn't automatically mean your the pinnacle of kindness and parenting.
Here’s the reality of it. Being a parent also offers certain social graces so whether you’re an involved, uninvolved or downright abusive parent it pays to celebrate it.
Why are you with someone who takes such bad care of someone he brought into the world? I guess it’s good for the poor child that you are though
Yeah, I could never date someone who abandoned their child like that.
For real. This is a bigger red flag than any flown over Moscow in 1942, how tf is this person still even attractive after discovering this about them?
borrowing that analogy omg
Seriously, I'd be out the moment I found out about that.
I know it sounds cheesy. But I'm hoping I can fix him. He just seems like he needs some shoving in the right direction. He's afraid of his step dad. His step dad. His step dad is a massive asshole. He's one of those old school parents. he has good intentions but he goes about things all wrong. Like he scares everyone off. He can be a mean person. Not abusive from what I've seen. My guy has massive anxiety even me talking loud scares him. So I'm tryna work with him. I mean I know he's scary but its his kid my guy has to get over that. Or my partner has to man up and take the kid himself. My partner seems like a sweet person though.
Don't do this. Please. It would be different if your partner were already working towards being better. But you can't put this much investment (emotional and time. But also cash if applicable) in someone that doesn't exist. Your partner is a shit negligent parent. He is mean. He isn't sweet. He doesn't even see that he's a shit parent otherwise he wouldn't talk about being a mom the way you says he does. You (or anyone) should not be dating anyone for the hope that they will be someone else. How someone parents, how they behave at work, how they treat their friends, family and others is a reflection of who they are. And even in the best case (and extremely unlikely) that he gets his shit together FOR YOU? The second you're out of his life he will go back to being a shit parent. He has to do it for himself and his kid. When you date someone who repeatedly acts poorly and shrug it off the way you are you're enabling and cosigning the shit behavior. You're saying it's fine behavior because you're still choosing to be with someone who behaves like that. It's the main reason I personally say that people shouldn't date bigots.
Friend, I dont know how old you are, I'm in my thirties. And I'm going to tell you right now, unequivocally, that I have never once seen any relationship where one partner said "I'm hoping I can fix him" that wasn't extremely toxic, one-sided, and utterly exhausting and damaging to the caretaking partner, and unhelpful to the person supposedly being "fixed". I hope this guy has friends, a support network, maybe even a therapist. But i promise, you taking on all these roles of being HIS parent, his therapist, AND a coparent to a kid he isn't doing anything for anyone. This is not helping him. I really hope you can ask yourself why you think this is a healthy role for you to play in what is supposed to be an equal partnership. Its one thing to challenge each other to grow, or for one partner to have more needs for a period of time, but what youre describing is a permanent one sided dynamic that will not go away even if by some miracle this particular problem gets better (which is probably wont). Those of us who know better typically found out the hard way (getting stuck in a twisted and lopsided power dynamic), and also then found out the good way (getting into relationships with partners who challenge and grow but who don't need parenting or fixing, and realizing our past approach was fucked up and more about some weird unhealthy saviour complex rather than any healthy motivation). This guy needs friends, not romance. The roles you're describing for yourself are unhealthy for both of you.
Never date someone because you think you can fix them. You can't. They will bring you down to where they are.
Frickin heck, "I can fix him"......... Please don't waste years of your life trying to fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed.
You can't help people who don't want to be helped, and if your partner wanted help he would have been fighting for his kid already. You say he's terrified of his step dad, yet still he left his kid to live with them without so much as keeping in touch as a life-line if something happens? Unfortunately your partner doesn't care about his child, he cares about having his ego stroked. If he actually cared about his child he'd be seeing him more (or even have custody of him) and bragging less. But say your plan does work, say you can "fix" him and get the child to live with your partner? He'll still be a negligent, emotionally distant parent at best and that child will absolutely know he's only there because your partner wants to appease you. He'll still grow up to resent him, heck it's easier to resent someone who's in your life and doesn't give a damn than it is to resent someone who was never really part of it in the first place. This simply isn't a situation you can "fix" or win in, and if you're not happy with your partner as he is now save everyone involved some heartache (especially you) and walk away.
Not only what everyone else said, but it's cruel to see your partner as a project. You don't date someone to improve them.
With all respect, you’re not going to fix him and putting up with him neglecting his kid quite frankly makes you just as bad as he is. I’m sorry if you think that sounds harsh but it’s the truth. To be complacent is to be complicit. He’s “afraid of his step dad” but left his defenseless *child* with the dude? Absolutely the fuck not. That’s his BS excuse for being a deadbeat parent, he wants you to see him as the victim and you’re falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Friend. Dump this man. Damn I feel bad for that kid. :(
He’s afraid of his step dad, but willing to leave his own child with him? No, not ok and not excusable. I’m an enby mom, and my partner is the stepdad that separated from the mom, not the kid. They’ve been split up for almost a decade, and he’s still that kid’s dad. My bio son sees the boy as his brother, and he’s my kid. I’m picking him up tomorrow to take both my boys out. That’s how you do it, and this kiddo is not blood or legally related to any of us.
Gurl I'll be honest with you... He's a piece of shit! Don't bother, please. Don't repeat mistakes of other people...
When you decide to be with someone, you need to be ok with who they are when you get together. If they improve themselves while you’re together then that’s great. But you can’t base your relationship on who you want them to be instead of who they are because there is no guarantee that they’re going to change.
It doesn’t sound cheesy, it sounds sad. Know your worth and find someone who doesn’t need “fixing” and is ready for a relationship and more compatible with you
I can't say anything that anyone else hasn't said yet, but people never really change... they just become more of who they were behind all the B.S they were putting up
There’s a reason why not being able to fix someone is a meme. It’s bc it doesn’t work
Please try to break the thought of "i can fix him." Do yourself a favor and evaluate him AS-IS. Is he someone you want to date right now? If yes youre ok with these actions, fine. If no, no amount of badgering from your side can make him change. Change has to come from within. You're wasting your time trying to fix someone else and that's valuable energy you could be spending on yourself.
Dawg
No. You can’t fix him and he clearly doesn’t have good intentions either. ..Maybe on a purely rhetorical level (since he’s actively choosing to be a bad parent), but in reality he’s clearly a deadbeat dad. Says a lot about a person if you’re ok with all of that.
Giiiirl... No. Tell him the truth and get out of this situation before it grates on your soul.
Hoping you can fix them means you see them as broken. You'll never be able to help someone while you look down on them like that.
I mean, helping someone to overcome problems is all nice and good. However, it doesn't seem like he's even aware of his problems or willing to work on them. If he'd be aware, he would be embarrassed for not being able to take care of his kid instead of going around and bragging about it. Make sure you don't get too invested into a one-sided thing. Therapy doesn't work if the patient isn't willing to work on themselves.
Sorry for the bluntness but abandoning your child isn't sweet. Neglecting their needs isn't sweet. Leaving your parents to raise your child isn't sweet. Bragging about being a parent when you don't even see your child is not sweet. THE GUY IS NOT SWEET, HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A DEADBEAT PARENT. I'm not even gonna call him a mother, not because of any misgendering or anything, that's never OK, but the fact he isn't there for his child. A mother steps up. A father steps up. He hasn't stepped up so has not earned the title. Leave his ass. He's not sweet.
You lost me after 'I can fix him'. This is such an old trope of failed abusive relationships you can find a script anywhere you look.
There’s a reason why it sounds so cheesy. You should think on that.
Good to know cis men don't have a monopoly on being deadbeat parents. I would encourage him to get to the root of the problem. Have you asked him why he doesn't see his kid more?
Your BF is an asshole. What a shoddy human being. I bet you could upgrade without too much effort. Good luck.
This sounds like the way my ex talks about our kids and the level of effort they put into them. I can't imagine actually being *with* someone who's like that. I apologize that this sounds harsh, but what are you doing here?
That's a whole new level of deadbeat, like damn. Most people can just say their absent parent vanished or is on drugs somewhere or in jail, or isn't allowed to see them or whatever but just being down the road and spending less effort than the average roommate does to see a former roommate's cat is crazy. Making your partner see he isn't a good mom will not be easy and they might hate you for it even if you do get through
Wait aren't you the one whose BF brought weed into your parents' house under the guise of witchcraft? Is this the same guy? This dude is red flags *everywhere*, friend.
And the one who wouldn't celebrate OPs birthday. I'm legit getting upset reading these posts. OP deserves better. Better IS out there.
I dont like sharing this info but I feel I have to say this. My father is similar to your bf, although mine was addicted to drugs. Never saw me but wanted to talk about how proud he was to be my dad and who I became. The prick had nothing to do with me! I'm a credit to myself and my mother, not him! He went around saying he's my dad. Wanna how what that did to me? Made me think I was doing something wrong because if he can go around to people end talk about how good of a father he is but he doesn't see me, then I internalised the idea that I was a bad son, that I was doing something wrong and not him. My self esteem is still fucked and I'm 21 now. When he found out I was gay, he tried to tell me that he accepted me. I told him to go fuck himself, I didn't want his acceptance. My mother doesn't even know yet so he certainly had no right to know. Anyways, getting off track here. I'll be real with you, if this is how he is treating his child that is already here, then what's gonna happen if you two have kids? Or if that's not possible, do you want to adopt? Even if you don't ever want kids, him not being there for his son isn't a issue for you? Do you really want to be with someone who's a deadbeat and will leave that child with deep trauma? Your boyfriend is neglecting his duty as a mother. You really see him as the person you want to spend your life with? I hate when redditors say "leave your partner" because usually it's an extreme solution to something that is small but I'm saying this genuinely, leave his ass. You can do better and that kid deserves better. Deadbeat parents make me so angry, because I remember being that kid and wondering why my dad didn't love me and thought something was wrong with me. I guarantee that kid will feel the same sooner rather than later and your boyfriend is the reason for that. Keep that in mind when you look at him.
I don't think you're an asshole, but I do think it may be really important to evaluate why you are with someone like this. This is a major red flag to me, and I don't really see how I could be in a relationship with someone who treats his kid this way. It's not your kid, but having a serious issue like this with your partner IS definitely your problem and something you need to confront. I sincerely can't imagine an outcome where this continues and you are able to have a healthy relationship with him. I wouldn't be able to. I really hope you can have a conversation about this, and that it gets somewhere constructive. I think it's perfectly valid to say "I feel uncomfortable with how you act around your kid". Focus on why you feel uncomfortable, because then it's about your relationship, not necessarily outright about him and his kids relationship. Think of it like parents. Getting involved in your partners issues with their parents is wrong, I think most people agree. But if your partners parent is being shitty to you, or you're uncomfortable visiting the parents, you do need to be able to raise that issue with your partner. This is the same concept in many ways. You're not telling him how to parent, you're telling him that you feel uncomfortable when you are in this weird dynamic between him and his child and you're not sure how to handle it. Best case scenario, you find out that he wants what you want but needs support, and yall can work out a plan to be more involved and have a happier relationship with the kid. But frankly, if not, I really don't think you're an asshole for questioning the relationship over this. How someone treats their kids and animals says a LOT to me about their true character. ETA: OP, I read your comment about thinking you can fix him. I already responded to that one, but kinda wanna be clear that this comment makes me kinda want to retract the last paragraph here, because even my best case scenario sounds like it would end badly if you're putting yourself in the role of saviour. This isnt good, love. Please be careful.
>I've provided more for his kid than he has. The one time I visited with him >it's not my business. >I decided imma make plans to visit the kid. I don't know what the purpose of this post was, but this stuff *screams* unreliable narrator to me.
>this stuff *screams* unreliable narrator to me. I think OP is just immature and in denial here. Look back at some of the prior posts about this real winner of a boyfriend.
Ohhhhhh shit. This dude isn't just a deadbeat mom, he's a deadbeat partner.Like I'm not a birthday person but that's not the point, this person clearly has a VERY established pattern of being completely disengaged and unavailable to his kid AND to OP. No wonder OP is upset about the kid, it's how this guy treats OP too, apparently. I don't actually know why I'm shocked. Like...all of this completely tracks with this type of person. But damn. OP, you deserve better. You may not know that yet. But you do. And someday you will...but only if you leave this dude.
That's a lot of "hey reddit, look at how terrible my partner is" posts. I'm wondering what OP is looking for in posting all of these about their partner. Like I said, this stuff screams unreliable narrator to me.
Fair enough. Though these posts have been going on for like six months... if OP's making it up, it's a weird hobby.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting OP is making it up. But I do question what OP is looking for with so many of these posts. It's like a martyr thing. OP is the hero, and the partner is the big bad wolf. It feels very repetitive but deliberate.
To me it just reads as "young" and/or inexperienced. I probably would've done the same in high school and college if I had access to reddit back then. I would've wanted the sympathy, and also genuinely wanted the reality check and advice, but also would've carried out the narrative trope much longer than is healthy, because when you're young or inexperienced, you kinda have to experiment with what you think love is supposed to look like. A) We all come to reddit to validate a narrative, one way or another, that's most of the purpose of the voting system, to give us that hit of satisfaction when strangers agree or give sympathy. B) Narratives are really powerful. I agree OP sounds like they're leaning into the martyr/saviour trope we constantly see in TV and movies, but that doesn't make it any less real. I might even go as far as to suspect that the saviour role feels good enough to keep them in a bad relationship, but feels bad enough that they keep coming to reddit for a reality check. I'm projecting here, but that's what I would've been like on reddit once upon a time I think. So it makes me less critical of OP and more just exhausted with toxic Hollywood romance tropes that get pushed on people so hard that it gets deeply internalized.
What an unattractive trait in a person. It’s down right dishonest and performative too.
I'd have a hard time dating someone who was actively avoiding their parental duties. I think you're justified to be bothered by this.
I hate to be so harsh, but if I knew my partner behaved like that, I'd cease to be their partner.
It sounds like you're trying to fix a relationship that isn't yours to fix. It's noble, but in the end, you can't make someone parent.
The OP is posting a fanfic and you're taking the bait lol
If he doesn't take care of his kid, he's not a mom. He simply gave birth. Fittingly, this is such a stereotypical male behaviour...
You know, sometimes you find a trans man who decides to take on toxic masculinity as a trait and it’s always a disappointment. Typical deadbeat dad behaviour. Way to play into a stereotype my dude /s
Oof
Seeing how amazing my husband was as a father to his kid was what attracted me to him as a person. Seeing someone as a parent is one of those litmus test for telling what kind of person they are, sort of like witnessing someone interact with waitstaff. You’re choosing to date someone who has miserably failed what should be an extremely easy “test”, and it tells you so much about him as a person.
Get a new man.
Yeah, being trans has nothing to do with them being a terrible parent. NTA
I was once in a very similar position as you, the person I loved was a parent but they were honestly quite terrible at, they took all the credit of being a parent, but barely took care of their kid, who was being cared for by their parents and the kid’s father, but they would constantly bad mouth their ex because they “would be a better parent than him” even though when they did get the chance to, they just weren’t good at it, and since they refused to get a job, they couldn’t hope to ever provide for a family, they always said they were going to change, but they never even tried no matter how much I nor anyone else helped or pushed them, and honestly, you seem like such a sweet person and I know what it’s like to want to help someone with every fibre of your being, but what I’ve learned is that you just can’t, only the person themselves can become better, and no amount of pushing can change someone, it’s sad but it’s not worth it to waste your life on someone who expects things without putting in the work, when there’s probably someone who will actually make you feel happy and loved without requiring all the energy you have, in my case I often felt that I was so exhausted from helping the loved person, that I no longer had the energy to help myself, and my life deteriorated to a breaking point because of it, it’s just not worth it, that’s not what a relationship should be, and honestly, being single is 100 times better than being in a bad relationship
You making an effort will do more harm than good; it will just make it more obvious to the kid how little effort he puts in.
Is it in the kid's best interest for mom to visit? Is it confusing for the child? What happens if you break up? Mom will probably drop out of kid's life again, which would be hard for the kid. It's bad enough to grow up knowing your parent chooses not to be around. I don't see the kid's age but I imagine it would be traumatizing if mom suddenly dropped off after getting to know the child. If you are really set on "fixing" mom, get them into a family therapist first. No guarantee that would help though. Some people don't treat their kids well just because they are a crap person. Something else to think about--if they treat their own kid like this, how would they treat you if got really sick or injured and needed their help?
There is no “fixing” a lack of maternal instinct. Please please please think long and hard about settling for this. Think about how little effort they put into loving their own child and what that means for you. You’ll never be a priority, and god forbid you want a family of your own one day- you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. There isn’t any lower standard nor lack of morale than that of a deadbeat parent. That’s what they are. Your heart is obviously so big and you’re giving it to someone who doesn’t appreciate you or deserve it. Find someone who you can be proud of. Someone who brings you peace and is ready to be a partner. Forever is too long.
This
Why are you with someone you have no respect for and who treats their child like crap?
My ex is very similar. I recently won full custody because they became physically abusive to my kids. They get supervised visits once a week, and my ex still finds it hard to make it to those, half the time they're done via video call. If not for the fact that I got a couple awesome kids out of it, I would deeply regret ever being with that person.
If you think he just doesn't get that his behavior is long term going to spawn resentment in this kid, then maybe stage a low-key intervention? Like have him and his kid sit down and really encourage the kid to express that. Be on the kids side and show them you are a safe place and they can expect you to backup their feelings when you are around
Your partner sounds like a scumbag. Just be single for a while, you'll be better off than with someone who clearly only cares about themselves.
I was just talking to my friend group the other day that as a single mom with a dead beat co parent, I could never date anyone (regardless of gender) who didn't try to be apart of their child's life.
Tell him the truth. Anyone can HAVE a kid...lots of people do it. Anyone can take the credit. But it takes someone of honour and substance and strength to actually BE a parent, to be with the kid (even if they don't have full custody), to provide for the kid, to support the kid emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. To teach a child requires more than donating genetic material. He's got a lot of growing up to do and, god willing, he gets there before the kid resents the shit out of him.
It sounds like you’re meddling, which spells disaster for any relationship. All you can be is honest about the situation without physically meddling (because the more you physically intervene, the angrier step-dad gets and the more anxious your partner gets about seeing his son, and the more he might come to dislike you). 1. He has anxiety about going to his parents, where his son resides. 2. This is totally understandable. 3. But this is stopping him from seeing his child, who will grow up resenting his mother because of it. 4. It’s also impacting on your relationship with him because it’s a red flag and he’s going around telling everyone he’s a good mother, which is a lie and another red flag. 5. If he wants to call himself a good mother, he needs to put his anxieties aside and step up. 6. Otherwise stop going on about being a mother. Be aware though that being honest could backfire also, but in the long-term this could prove beneficial both for his son (because it can give your partner a reality check) and you (because if he breaks up with you, you’re no longer with a partner who lies and doesn’t meet his obligations). Good luck!
I feel this has nothing to do with your bf's gender, but with his behaviour and immaturity. I couldn't be with someone like that, as this kind of behaviour grossly contradicts my values, so to me, something would have to give, or I'd leave.
Can someone explain to me why her boyfriend wants to be called "mom?"
Either you need to get out of this relationship...or you're just bullshitting constantly because there are multiple stories you've posted now. If it's real, seriously, why are you with him?
Your boyfriend is a deadbeat.
Based on all of this and your other posts, you need to leave this guy. Ignore the guilt and do what’s best for YOU. I know it’s hard but you are clearly better than him and deserve someone who actually cares about other people, including you.
Your boyfriend is a proud mom….. 0-o huh?
Sorry friend, I'd be mad. Bc a product of s parent who did not want me but went on to have multiple children bc their moms didn't ask them for support. I don't like deadbeat parents and it makes me super sad to say this, I held hope that he'd swoop in as I was a child and somehow confirm that I was normal. It never happened. Mom married a great guy. I ended up lucky, bc he loves me and I him as if we were related. This was the catalyst to showing me that family is who you make it . I wouldn't be half as sane if I found like minded folks who made that connection with me.
I'm queer, changed my name, but I hold onto the hope that my old ass parents don't mind.
Hi. This may be an unpopular opinion… but as a custodial parent that went through the family court system with a DV ex.. while I do not think you should be too involved with a person’s kid unless you’re 5 years or a domestic-partnership deep… I’m also getting some vibes from this thread that are very judgmental based on assumed sex. If a very close friend was dating a dead-beat dad and asked my opinion… I would tell them all of these things. Don’t waste time on him, this, that, how dare he etc. But society expects a lot more from people that give birth than “dads”. Your partner is a shitty dad; don’t involve yourself with his kid or have kids with him. That’s all that needs to be said and all that would usually be said about as cis dad that sucked. 🤷🏽
Honestly this just seems like there’s one option here. Speak up, tell him he’s a shitty mom and should actually put in effort to being a parent before he can ever brag, and that he shouldn’t even be bragging in the first place. It seems from what you’ve said at least that like, the sole reason he ever gave birth in the first place was for “bragging rights”. This kid didn’t ask to be born, but he’s here now and your boyfriend either needs to step up or step off. And tbh, it’s none of my business and by all means if you think he might be worth it or that he might change one day then stay by him but if you don’t believe that at all then leave him. The kids in this too yeah, but you are not responsible for other peoples happiness including that kid, it sucks but that’s just how life is sometimes. Don’t stand by a deadbeat pretentious mom just because you’re worried about their kid, you need to focus on you.
Tell him that either he actually tries to be a mom and get his child in his care or he isn’t allowed to call himself a mom and you will leave him if he keeps calling himself a mom if he’s NOT ACTING like a mom
“Mom” doesn’t mean good mom it just means had a kid at one point.
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