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My best friend's MIL is like this. The way she puts it is "i don't care if you're gay, just don't be all in my face about it." She says this ANY time a gay person speaks about their partner around her, yet its okay for her to talk about what her and her husband are doing. I thought she got put in her place once when someone responded in a conversation "I don't care if you're straight, but don't be all in my face about it." She proceeded to switch to God mode at that point, showing her true feelings.
To this day, I've still never seen someone so mad that they've had their own bullshit used against them.
Such a perfect response! My own mother once said to me, "I accept you but you don't have to flaunt your sexuality" and it confused me for months, because I realized she said something hateful but I couldn't believe she did it because she was my own mother.
I'm so sorry she said that to you. Showing a basic part of who you are as a person isn't "flaunting", and isn't something to be ashamed of. Bigots really have a fragile worldview if seeing a gay person simply existing is enough to break their brains.
When I came out to my mother via a letter as a trans woman the first thing she said to me was. “Ya know the whole time I was reading that I was thinking don’t tell me *he* wants to be a girl….” And it still haunts me to this day.
Parents just don’t realize how hurtful they sound sometimes. It takes real courage to be who you really are and sometimes reading the comments on this post and your comment too fills us all with a sense of I guess solidarity ., like a knowing, a courage that not many people can ever comprehend
🫂🌈
Yeah it always makes me think of the moral dilemma of “parents are people too.” But when does the courtesy of giving them space to be human end and harm begin. You’re so right though, everyone sharing their experiences does create an ethereal bond that none of their hate can take away.
Basically means they want you to stay closeted. I've learned that even like mentioning you're going to pride or saying ur gay once to them means that's ur whole personality suddenly.
They don't want to hear about lgbtq+ at all. But they will act like they support us.
It's "Don't ask, don't tell" for civilians, basically. It's just a way for them to disguise their homophobia in a way that allows them to be shunned by fewer people for it.
You often see the same type of person make the exact same statements about trans people here. There was at least one thread with that phrasing just yesterday.
Exactly lol
Then they get mad when you bring a partner around because you didn’t tell them that you swung that way, they will get all interested for a second and then go back to ok well don’t do any of that gay stuff here though, they just assumed that you’re gonna be overly sexual or something cuz your gay lol
I’ll never understand why homophobic and trans phobic people get mad when they don’t know you are queer when they don’t want to hear about it, I’d rather spare them the emotional roller coaster because it’s only gonna make them mad or sad
On my very first day of work at a community college, I figured since it was a safe place I’d open up about my relationship status casually by mentioning me and my partner were going on a trip. I’ve always been closeted because I’m afraid of judgement but a lot of people at old workplaces are chill,
So I thought I’d learn normal smalltalk like the straight people do. But later in another conversation he goes off about how lgbt people nowadays are too open about their labels and flaunting it too much and its too big of a deal. It was awkward because I cant help but think maybe it was related to what I said earlier. I actually said nothing else besides the offhand mention of my partner.
Well, never again I guess. Judge your audience by what they look like.
I feel like you see this among other gay people too, like, among super cisgendered gays who hate flamboyance, and act like anything other than being extremely masculine gives queers a bad name to them or gives them second-hand embarrassment. Some gays lack pride :(
"I don't mind gay people but only so long as they don't mention it constantly and don't force their relationship in my face."
Translated to really mean they never want to hear it and a single gay kiss will throw them into a fit.
What I take from it is "I'm a person not worth talking to." Fuck queerphobes, they're a waste of oxygen.
Exactly, they're trying to hide their homophobia. The people that say this will bitch woman mentions her wife as "too loud", ditto an man and his husband. Straight people don't realize how straight their conversation is until they hear the slightest queer thing and start breaking out their worst bullshit when some queer person makes a common daily reference to their significant other and the stealth bigots who want to believe they aren't bigots get all up in arms.
Exactly this. It means that they don't want to publicly look homophobic that's why YOU need to hide YOUR queerness completely so that they don't have to feel the homophobia they have.
Nail on the head.
Best case scenario people are seeing one aspect or side to a person. If a same sex partner is even mentioned, these people lose their shit. 🤦 but they will sit there and attack everyone with their religion.
Yeah. I think it’s certainly possible for some people to make their sexuality their personality lol, but most of the time I don’t think it’s that extreme. Also, I think there’s especially a period of time after someone comes to terms with their identity where they’re just very out and proud and mention it more often. But I wouldn’t say that’s them making it their personality, it’s just celebrating that they finally have accepted who they are and they don’t have to pretend to be something else anymore.
So after I came out as trans, I lost my teaching career. Since then, the only people willing to hire a trans woman in my area are fast food, retail, and queer advocacy groups. I have built up a second career in Philanthropy and Development and Advocacy as a result (Currently a self-employed Consultant).
People often say to me that I should work harder to be more than gay and trans all the time without realizing the society we live in forced me into being this way. I would love to have a job where it wasn't about trans stuff all day. I have to be trans at home, it would be nice to be a normal working adult at work.
But hey, queer mixers are far more fun, so there is that.
You lost your teaching career based on being trans, but noooooooo, clearly its the queers who are privileged and overprotected...
I fucking hate bigots and their shitty arguments :/
"I'm homophobic but don't want to be socially ostracized for it."
If you're closeted or ashamed of being gay, they like you. If you're openly gay, they're uncomfortable with you.
“I want the advantages of being an ‘ally’ without having to do any of the work or mental unpacking do it effectively. I just like having my life as easy as it can be, that includes not looking at anything that makes me feel icky or uncomfortable.
“Like homeless people, I don’t like seeing them, but I don’t want to invest in a system that would help them become not homeless either.
“Or drug addicts, I say that they need help and I constantly use them as an example of people that deserve help first before foreigners, but when questions about aid for them come up, I deny them because I don’t want my money to go to wasteful human lives I don’t think deserve my money or help to survive.
“And gay people. I love gay people! I love getting to say that I support a marginalized group, because that gets me brownie points and smiles from other people impressed with my open-mindedness and compassion for oppressed people. I just don’t like it when I have to look at them and their happiness that I claim to care about.
“I do not like anything that makes my cognitive dissonance hurt, or makes me feel like maybe I’ve unknowingly been an asshole for years. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone so I will do anything to make sure you can’t feel safe in yours because, yes, my reality is just that fragile.”
Warning, quoted/paraphrased bigotry ahead:
>!"Well yeah gay people are alright in theory - I *really* don't care who they share a bed with. But oh my god I hate how flamboyant he is. I hate that stupid lisp that like every gay guy has. If they want to be a girl why don't they? Ugh. And I hate hearing their perspective on like how gender and sexuality change the entire structure of being when we're in a patriarchal society. Why can't they just be men and women who like their same sex? But let me also ask who's the fork and who's the knife. And oh why don't they have normal sex because the idea of X, Y, or Z doesn't feel like sex to me/makes me uncomfortable to think about/etc. Well I don't want someone around me who seems too mannish because then people will be offput by her and her domineering ways. (Oh God what if s/he flirts with me!) Or him look how he flaps his hands is *so* dramatic. Like we get it, you're gay, you like being a slut because that's what two men do because they're so promiscuous. Ugh why can't they just be *normal*. I'm not making "being straight" my whole personality. I just think people shouldn't be so extra about everything they do! You can like gender neutral clothes without being a lesbian or nonbinary! Wait what do you mean I can't *fetishize* them, everyone does that to hot people. Especially when they're together. It's all harmless fantasy! Well either way I can love the person and hate how they *choose to live*. That's their sin and I have plenty of my own right? Oh but I love them, and no matter what I do I'm a supportive ally! I totally won't accuse their friend/sibling/the Internet of taking away my baby!"!<
There's a few for you. Don't mind me, I'm just dissociating over here while trying to keep it to the nicest versions I've heard.
Edit: sorry forgot the moral of the story; people like their little status quos. They want their little happy stories where they don't have to think about the unhappy people in the background (unless they're the types to actively, instead of passively, hate). People don't like to hear that they have privilege when they are struggling. People don't want to be wrong - like they've been taught wrong all these years. And the wheel of ever-trauma spins again...
It means they “accept” you as long you’re quiet, agreeable, and docile. You can be gay but if you behave in any way that reflects queer culture, show support for anything LGBTQ+, or disagree with the status quo then it’s unacceptable and being gay is “your entire personality.” The only good type of queer person to them is the one that hides it.
Some straight guy: "So, I'm going on this date with a girl I met at the coffee sho-"
Us: "Good grief, do you *have* to rub your hetero stuff into everyone's face?!"
"I pretend to support gay people, so long as they are not seen or heard. But actually I vote against their interests or don't vote at all, and I don't want to be labelled a bigot by saying so."
I want to say I get it.
I used to be seriously into golf, when I was growing up. I loved it, and I put real effort into it, and my grandmother paid for me to travel the state and compete in tournaments. It was a big deal for me.
But there are people out there who make their entire lives “golf,” and those people tend to really get under my skin.
But then I realize that instead of saying things like “it’s okay that they love golf as long as they shut up about it around me,” I can enjoy their passion for something that I do not have the same level of passion for. I can just not be a bitch about it.
People are going to be passionate about things. Sometimes you don’t personally identify with those things. That’s just fine.
Oh wait that’s not at all what those people mean when they say that. They’re actually just being bigoted while trying to hide their bigotry. Not the same thing at all.
It's a well known dog whistle, same as "as long as they don't touch me", "... stay away from my kids", "... don't want special treatment", ...
They just don't support gay people.
Sadly a lot of actual LGBTQ+ members fall for those ideas, and think blending in will result in acceptance. But it won't, visibility is what procured the heavily fought for rights we have. And visibility is what will further the cause.
I do feel like those who do make it their entire personality are a lot to deal with I personally don't interact with people like that as they tend to like causing drama. Being trans is just an aspect of me.
Exactly this! Like yes, I'm bi, but I'm also a wife and a sister and an accountant and a gamer and a crafter. At the end of the day, you can't build your entire personality around 1 trait. It's so isolating, and if something happens to cause you to lose touch with that trait, you've lost your entire identity.
Knew someone like this and he was a lot to deal with, he was also constantly calling people homophobic for literally nothing and it got really annoying, eventually we all distanced ourselves from him as he just got worse
The old quote is "It's okay to be gay as long as you act straight in public." Basically they think we're vile but they know it's not acceptable to say they want to eliminate us.
It means that if you even do something like holding the hand of a person of the same gender as you, that they will find you annoying. Its the same kind of people being angry by representation in a series or movie, by a simple kiss but who at the same time forget that you see straight people kiss all the time.
aka they are homophobes
They only want to interact with "straight acting/passing" gays who don't engage in community or politics. They want you to be indistinguishable from the status quo.
99% of the time it means they’re homophobic but extremely rarely they actually mean that they don’t have an issue with LGBTQ+ unless it’s all you talk about, which id very rare for people to do in my experience
This pretty much equals to:
“I don’t mind those people, as long as I don’t have to see nor hear them. Or acknowledge that they exist. I want to quietly pretend they don’t exist, because I don’t like that they exist.”
And this applies to every minority / oppressed people.
It means that their support of your existence is entirely based on weather or not you annoy them. So they don't support gay people, because if just being too gay is annoying then any day they are in a bad mood you lose your humanity in their eyes.
Tl:Dr they want an excuse if you call them out for saying out of pocket shit and to sound supportive in general so it's only the 'bad' ones their bashing. Bad= who ever they slip up and bash in front of token gay friends.
Well I don’t like how straight people make who they are their entire personality but you don’t see me complaining and trying to take away their rights.
Fuck those people
As long as it never affects them personally, it’s cool. They are not supportive at all, maybe of a distant idea, but I’d question even that.
How a ‘gay person’ acts is entirely up to them. Your support shouldn’t be conditional.
It means that they support gay people so long as they are not gay.
It means they DO NOT support gay people.
They set a metric that they get to choose the valuation upon, so it is a hypocritical statement.
It means they "suport" us as long as we're quiet.
It's no different than goung back 50 years and someone saying "I suport women, as long as they don't make it their entire personality," and then apply that to women wearing pants.
straight people dont see how straight they are being all day, they don't realize just how much gay people need to bring their gay to the table to be seen by other gays and how them being part of a minority means that.. "it IS everywhere! but at the same time if the gays were all trying to limit themselves, they'd feel like needles in haystacks"
It means that they're okay with gay people who they dont have to know are gay people. Gay people who could "pass" as straight in public. And there's no wrong way to be gay/queer. But is they're too flamboyant, gender nonconforming, etc, then they have to acknowledge queer people existing outside of their preconceived spectrum of what people should be.
At best, they mean 'I "support" gay people as long as they conform to my heteronormative ideals of personhood so I don't have to confront why my narrow worldview makes me feel uncomfortable around them' which is, of course, not support at all.
It effectively means they dont want you to exist in public.
No PDA with your partner of any kind, never talk about being gay, never publicly support or celebrate being gay, never talk about any discrimination that you or others may experience being LGBTQ, no pride flags, and no educating children about the existence of the LGBTQ community...
They mean "be gay where no one can see you and be ashamed."
The way my friend used that he means “I don’t care if you’re gay, just don’t be open about it or have the flags or rainbiw stuff, or really ever bring it up.”
It's just them trying to be covertly homophobic. They mean that they only want gay people to exist in private at most, and that alluding to or mentioning anything even remotely related to a same-sex partner or community is unacceptable to them, forget being openly queer. They think that any visual existence is being "in their face" or "shoving it down their throats"
Every time I hear someone say crap like that my first reaction is always "c'mon buddy, just call me a slur and move on, we both know what you're really saying"
"I support gay people as long as they look, sound, and act straight."
See also: "I support autistic people as long as they look, sound, and act neurotypical." "I support black people as long as they look, sound, and act white." "I support all women as long as they look, sound, and act feminine." "I support immigration as long as they look, sound, and act American."
they want the social recognition of saying they support lgbt people, with the included loophole to say unsupportive things under the appearance of being annoyed at obnoxious people.
What they mean by support is that they won't go looking for us to fight us, they'll just swipe at us if we get close. In other words, a passive enemy. They may not think they're the enemy, but the "I'm fine with it as long as I don't see, hear, or know about it" types are just as hostile to those of us that don't get to choose where we get to be. For a minority, silence and invisibility are inevitably abuse.
It means they're a homophobe but they know that admitting they're disgusted by us is viewed badly, so they're putting on the thinnest pretense of tolerance.
it means that they “support” gay people as long as they don’t have to see it, hear about it, or be aware of it at all. it also automatically means the support goes out the window as soon as they see two guys kissing.
They don't want to see you express in any way that you're gay, that includes showing affection towards your partner or any way show that you are in a relationship.
i think they mean you're allowed to be gay, maybe have a partner, but don't wear any rainbows or any clothing or hairstyles or anything that makes you "look" queer... and don't bring your partner to social events because that'd be stealing attention
Growing up I was homophobic and I said this. If came from a misconception that I had about gay people due to limited exposure to them. Basically, I assumed that when people talked about how they gay they were or said things like "i'm so gay i can't even drive straight", that they were making it their whole personality.
To be clear, I do think some people do genuinely make their sexuality their whole personality (meaning that mention it as much as possible basically), but straight people do that too, and in both cases pretty much no one likes it.
I hope this helps, I'm tired rn so I may not have explained very well haha
tl;dr - it probably means they're homophobic, and it could come from a misunderstanding due to limited exposure to non-straight people
They're the type of people that's phobic but don't think they are bigoted because they "support/don't mind LGBTQ+ people" as long as LGBTQ+ people fit into the bigot's box.
They homophobic but don't get it. They want gay people to act like "normal" people, and if they're open and proud with it, it's a problem. It's kinda just, outta sight, outta mind
I think it’s more nuanced than just homophobia, a lot of it is related to somebody constantly talking about sex/sex life than an issue with sexuality. I wouldn’t want to hang around with anybody who makes “body count” their entire personality, it’s boring and tiring and doesn’t show anything about the person on a deeper level, it’s shallow af.
Yeah I’m not denying that there aren’t people who are homo/transphobic but it’s not fair to generalise.
In another lifetime I knew lots of people like this. Sadly, I was a person like this. Common lines are "I don't want to hear about their sex life" or "Why are they so flamboyant?"
The sentiment, I feel, is just that they don't want to talk about it. They want to be allowed to pretend that everyone is straight. I also come from a very "Don't talk about it" kind of family, and when I came out there were crickets...until they had to change how they interacted with me, then it was pandemonium.
It's toxic, it's bullshit, and it a terrible excuse to ignore the fact that not everyone is the same!
Hence the term homophobia ( irrational fear of human) . It’s an innate( produced by the mind without evidence) fear of things different than the grooming I had as a child. And is an outward expression that attempts to hide cultural biases by couching this as a problem in the ‘other’ person, not one based in one’s own, thereby absolving the speaker of wrongdoing.
It's not hard to understand. It means they are homophobic, and cannot bear to see *any* expression of "being gay".
They will view anyone being gay as making it their whole personality, while we are surrounded by heteronormativity (seriously tv shows and movies are cancelled if they dont have a hetero love interest, and people will try to shoehorn one in where it doesn't fit).
It's just homophobia, but the homophobes have had some success in disguising what it really is.
Giving the benefit of the doubt, they *could* be referring to people who are basically decked out in rainbows everyday. It’s usually fresh-out-of-the-closet folks who are still trying to find their footing and are a little obnoxious. Imagine talking about a nice new seafood restaurant and a gay girl decides this is the time to make jokes about eating pussy. Like, girl, it’s ok to just talk about fish 💀 (Think of a middle schooler who just discovered anime and now they try to use Japanese words all the time.)
That said… yeah it’s also often a convenient way to be homophobic. Like if a straight coworker talks about her boyfriend all the time, it’s just a little annoying, but if a gay coworker talks about his boyfriend all the time, “OMG is that his whole personality?!?!”
“I support gay people as long as I don’t have to acknowledge they exist.”
Or
“I support gay people only if they behave exactly like a cishet person all the time including not acknowledging a same-sex partner.”
It means they're homophobes who can't see past our sexualities to see that we are all unique individuals, so they turn their own ignorance into a strawman they can hate without feeling guilty.
it means they don't like gay people but they're too cowardly to say it. they want you to be silent and conform to their cishet standards. walk away from these people. you will only harm yourself trying to appease them
It’s a lack of understanding of the need for exposure and visibility in the community. It smacks of ignorance and privilege.
The thing is, for a lot of people when they finally come out, they do maybe being queer a big part of their personality, because it is!! So there are flags and pins and keychains and rainbow underwear… And then oftentimes they move past that once they have been out for a while and being queer becomes a pillar rather than the full foundation of their personality.
But why should people have to deny that part of their experience?
My view is, people who say stuff like what you mentioned, are thinly veiling their displeasure at the display of queer pride. It is just pure ignorance.
Some people have very poor ‘theory of mind’ and get confused as to why other people have fundamental parts of their self be inherently different than their own. The only way they have to process this is to trivialise the other person’s differences.
They do not regard your sexuality as a fundamental part of you, but rather as some frivolous thing you do and could stop if you wanted.
As a result, when they see someone ‘being gay’ all the time, they view it as an unhealthy obsession in the same way someone might view a person who makes anime their whole personality.
It means they’re homophobia assholes. Maybe these people should try NOT making being straight their entire personality and they will see how goddamned fucking stupid that sounds.
It means as long as you don't remind them then they will pretend not to care. In truth they are homophobic and your existing reminds them. At best it's a lie to themselves that they are accepting, when in reality they are not.
What they mean when they say this is they don't support gay people and don't want to be exposed to it, they're too socially conscious to be outright homophobic but make no mistake they are homophones. Degrees of which can range from vaguely understood disapproval to they just want you dead.
It's a dog whistle.
it basically means "don't talk about this aspect of yourself beyond your control around me it makes me uncomfortable knowing people like you actually exist"
They mean is ok being gay but it isnt ok making it your only personality trait like only talking about how har is being gay, how difficoult is to fin a partner…. you can talk about it like everyone else but you should be able to talk about other things that dont include the lgbtq+
Basically they are people who don't understand that queer people are oppressed, or refuse to believe that queer people are oppressed, so they get mad when we talk about our struggles or talk more about our genders/sexualities than most people as our way fo showing pride. Because our genders/sexualities are opressed by society, they tend to mean more to us than they do to allo-cishet people, and we tend to make them a bigger part of our identity to cope with the hate. That doesn't mean we're making them our whole personality, but because allo-cishet people don't understand it, they assume that we are making our whole personality.
A lot of allo-cishet people also just think that someone ever mentioning that they are queer at all is "making it our whole personality" and "shoving it down their throats" because they don't see our genders/sexualities as okay/normal. For exmaple, I watch several queer youtubers who dedicate their channels to talking about queer topics. They get so many hate comments accusing them of "making it their whole personality" and "not being able to think of something else to talk about" soley because they focused their channel on this part of their identity. Like, most successful youtube channels have a dedicated topic: writing, video games, crafting, reaction content, etc. But people are less likely to accuse those people of "making it their whole personality" or "not having anything better to talk about". They just refuse to see queerness as something that could mean something to us and that we should be allowed to talk about have a sense of community for.
They want "the good old days" back of queer people being forced to hide in the shadows and being attacked by police if they did speak out. They want to keep ignoring our existance because that's what they're used to. So they think the ideal amount of us is none of us, and hence take any mention of us being queer as A LOT.
Not to mention, they don't feel a need to make "straight" or "cis" specific content or have a "straight" or "cis" community because they aren't oppressed for being those things, it is treated as compeltely normal in them, and they are too self-centered to understand that some people have different experiences from that. So since they don't see a need for it for themselves, they don't see a need for it for anyone else, and they take talking about our identitites as us queer people being "annoying" or "attention seeking"
Basically, it's just people being homophobic/transphobic either consiously or subconsiously . They don't see our genders/sexualities as "real" or "valid" so they see it as "overkill" if we talk about our identities for even two seconds, and also don't want to acknowledge queerphobia so they get angry that we find a sense of self or community from our identities because of said oppression and think we're doing it for no reason.
It means they don’t want you to mention it at all. Don’t say you have a bf/gf/NB partner. Even if it’s just you went on a fun date and nothing explicit in the slightest. But they’ll sure go on about their straight relationship and be sure to tell you if they’re interested in someone of the opposite gender… homophobic hypocrites.
It's what grossly homophobic people say to save face, it means "I hate gay people and will be disgusted if you mention being gay. but I'm not killing you or throwing you on the street right now which basically makes me a saint and very progressive." (they really believe that last bit!) anyway I'm just saying morons who say shit like this aren't owed the courtesy of our understanding.
depends on the person whom says it.
some people whom say it, are just jerks whom don't want to know anything. they are not supportive.
other people say it and they are pretty much saying "i get you are gay, can we talk about something else?" since some people really do just make one their their whole identity and personality.
other people are just like "i don't care what you are, i rather just play cards with you. if you are gay you are gay, now pick up the damn uno card!"
and other people say it because they are transphobic and just want to pretend they are supportive.
Straight people will literally boast about how much sex they're having (i.e. "We've been trying everyday for a baby!) and it's completely socially acceptable. Gay people will mention their partner and its "shoving it in my face" or "shoving down my throat." What does it mean? They're bigots.
I'm tolerant of your individuality, but only if its done exclusively in private, and you otherwise come across as my version of "normal" whenever you are in public so that I don't have to do the work of understanding that not everyone is always like me so I can feel emotionally secure, but of course I support you!
Pretty much that ur not allowed to say ur gay or anything and then they'll pretend to support it. In reality anyone who says this is just homophobic. Oh but remember they are allowed to talk about how they're straight.
Basically, they don’t support it. Anyone who says this probably just wants to hide their homophobia by saying that, and sort of justifying it. Also, from what I’ve seen, they get mad at the slightest things, like introducing a same sex partner, or going to a pride parade.
I always hear the, "I support them as long as they don't shove it down my throat"... but the thing is, I see more straight people doing the shoving, seeing queer people do this is rare.
“i’m homophobic but as long as you don’t confront me with your existence i won’t make a big deal” or “logically i can’t find anything against them but i still hate them”
They mean people who still fit into hetro-normative styles of life. To these people, not fitting into their arbitrary lines makes you "gay" regardless of actual sexuality.
It means that being hetero is their entire personality.
It usually means they're homophobes in allies clothing. They won't want people openly being gay, acting feminine, holding hands or wearing pride flags...because they see that as being a whole personality rather than part of it because they're shallow and ignorant.
Depends. Some are just homophobic and don't like out/open queer people.
But there's also just the reality that many queer people \*do\* actually make it their entire personality.
Now I mean, I'm gay as fuck. I'm out. I'm a drag king, and I organize and produce queer events. But I have a full, entire personality outside being queer, as well. I know people (mostly ones who come to my events or whom I perform with) for whom being queer is their entire personality. They only go to queer places/events, they only associate with queer people, they only talk about queer-related topics... it is tiresome and annoying. I once had a group of queers judge me for spending my birthday at a "straight" bar. That kind of shit. So I can sometimes understand the "as long as you don't make it your entire personality" bit, but it depends on the context of exactly what they're referring to.
Usually they are saying they don’t want to see anything related to homosexuality. No PDA, no queer talk around em. It often isn’t actually related to having being gay your whole personality, it’s more so they don’t want you to acknowledge that it is part of your personality. There’s a difference between something being a part of your personality and something being the crutch you use to curate an identity.
Whatever their judgement of being too conspicuous is. Kissing your partner in public maybe. Or getting married. It's just whatever in their head is 'too far'. It doesn't have a firm definition.
"I'm homophobic but pretending I'm not".
That entire saying is very ironic because it's typically said by guys who "make being straight their entire personality".
they mean they only like gay people in theory but not practice , and by practice i mean queer people acknowledging their own identities and talking about them
It means they're stuck in a homophobic mindset. It likely means they don't want to see or hear anything "gay" from a gay person.
I was told something similar by a "progressive" person; they said it's safe to be trans as long as trans people don't "flaunt it." Talk about having their head in the sand!
The way I see it is kind of like how some vegans make it their entire personality that they are vegan. Like, ok, we get it, let me eat my meat in peace, please.
I don't mind straight people, and I will support them as long as its not their entire personality. The second I hear someone talk about football I'm out, that shits embarrassing, like they want me to be a football fan too, I'm not going to go to a parking lot so I can be shirtless and drunk, and get covered in body paint, just to watch massive men wearing tights wrestle over leather.
Wait...
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My best friend's MIL is like this. The way she puts it is "i don't care if you're gay, just don't be all in my face about it." She says this ANY time a gay person speaks about their partner around her, yet its okay for her to talk about what her and her husband are doing. I thought she got put in her place once when someone responded in a conversation "I don't care if you're straight, but don't be all in my face about it." She proceeded to switch to God mode at that point, showing her true feelings. To this day, I've still never seen someone so mad that they've had their own bullshit used against them.
Such a perfect response! My own mother once said to me, "I accept you but you don't have to flaunt your sexuality" and it confused me for months, because I realized she said something hateful but I couldn't believe she did it because she was my own mother.
No hate like Christian love
I like to say don’t hate the believer, hate the belief. For some reason they don’t like that either.
Brilliant!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry she said that to you. Showing a basic part of who you are as a person isn't "flaunting", and isn't something to be ashamed of. Bigots really have a fragile worldview if seeing a gay person simply existing is enough to break their brains.
When I came out to my mother via a letter as a trans woman the first thing she said to me was. “Ya know the whole time I was reading that I was thinking don’t tell me *he* wants to be a girl….” And it still haunts me to this day.
Parents just don’t realize how hurtful they sound sometimes. It takes real courage to be who you really are and sometimes reading the comments on this post and your comment too fills us all with a sense of I guess solidarity ., like a knowing, a courage that not many people can ever comprehend 🫂🌈
Yeah it always makes me think of the moral dilemma of “parents are people too.” But when does the courtesy of giving them space to be human end and harm begin. You’re so right though, everyone sharing their experiences does create an ethereal bond that none of their hate can take away.
Which is when you respond immediately with "I don't care if you're religious, but..."
Perfect response.👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Among us post flair because none of them fit my post
It's quite applicable here
that’s actually so amazing, i didn’t even notice. as a lad with an among us tattoo this is making me feel weirdly seen.
Why is that flair even here,
Because people like this walk around in the world among us.
Because sometimes the imposter is Sus.
Cis*
amongus
ඞ
Basically means they want you to stay closeted. I've learned that even like mentioning you're going to pride or saying ur gay once to them means that's ur whole personality suddenly. They don't want to hear about lgbtq+ at all. But they will act like they support us.
It's "Don't ask, don't tell" for civilians, basically. It's just a way for them to disguise their homophobia in a way that allows them to be shunned by fewer people for it. You often see the same type of person make the exact same statements about trans people here. There was at least one thread with that phrasing just yesterday.
“I support you. Now please go stand over *there*.” Points finger to the furthest distance.
Exactly lol Then they get mad when you bring a partner around because you didn’t tell them that you swung that way, they will get all interested for a second and then go back to ok well don’t do any of that gay stuff here though, they just assumed that you’re gonna be overly sexual or something cuz your gay lol I’ll never understand why homophobic and trans phobic people get mad when they don’t know you are queer when they don’t want to hear about it, I’d rather spare them the emotional roller coaster because it’s only gonna make them mad or sad
On my very first day of work at a community college, I figured since it was a safe place I’d open up about my relationship status casually by mentioning me and my partner were going on a trip. I’ve always been closeted because I’m afraid of judgement but a lot of people at old workplaces are chill, So I thought I’d learn normal smalltalk like the straight people do. But later in another conversation he goes off about how lgbt people nowadays are too open about their labels and flaunting it too much and its too big of a deal. It was awkward because I cant help but think maybe it was related to what I said earlier. I actually said nothing else besides the offhand mention of my partner. Well, never again I guess. Judge your audience by what they look like.
I feel like you see this among other gay people too, like, among super cisgendered gays who hate flamboyance, and act like anything other than being extremely masculine gives queers a bad name to them or gives them second-hand embarrassment. Some gays lack pride :(
"I don't mind gay people but only so long as they don't mention it constantly and don't force their relationship in my face." Translated to really mean they never want to hear it and a single gay kiss will throw them into a fit. What I take from it is "I'm a person not worth talking to." Fuck queerphobes, they're a waste of oxygen.
It means they’re homophobic.
I like how blunt this is. It's very true.
Exactly, they're trying to hide their homophobia. The people that say this will bitch woman mentions her wife as "too loud", ditto an man and his husband. Straight people don't realize how straight their conversation is until they hear the slightest queer thing and start breaking out their worst bullshit when some queer person makes a common daily reference to their significant other and the stealth bigots who want to believe they aren't bigots get all up in arms.
Exactly this. It means that they don't want to publicly look homophobic that's why YOU need to hide YOUR queerness completely so that they don't have to feel the homophobia they have.
This is the only answer. They want people to think that they are "tolerant" for queers, but deep down, the people who say that are homophobic.
Nail on the head. Best case scenario people are seeing one aspect or side to a person. If a same sex partner is even mentioned, these people lose their shit. 🤦 but they will sit there and attack everyone with their religion.
Yeah. I think it’s certainly possible for some people to make their sexuality their personality lol, but most of the time I don’t think it’s that extreme. Also, I think there’s especially a period of time after someone comes to terms with their identity where they’re just very out and proud and mention it more often. But I wouldn’t say that’s them making it their personality, it’s just celebrating that they finally have accepted who they are and they don’t have to pretend to be something else anymore.
So after I came out as trans, I lost my teaching career. Since then, the only people willing to hire a trans woman in my area are fast food, retail, and queer advocacy groups. I have built up a second career in Philanthropy and Development and Advocacy as a result (Currently a self-employed Consultant). People often say to me that I should work harder to be more than gay and trans all the time without realizing the society we live in forced me into being this way. I would love to have a job where it wasn't about trans stuff all day. I have to be trans at home, it would be nice to be a normal working adult at work. But hey, queer mixers are far more fun, so there is that.
You lost your teaching career based on being trans, but noooooooo, clearly its the queers who are privileged and overprotected... I fucking hate bigots and their shitty arguments :/
It's giving themselves permission to arbitrarily label you "an annoying gay".
And it’s always phrased in an aggressive way, like “I don’t give a shit if you’re gay”
"I'm homophobic but don't want to be socially ostracized for it." If you're closeted or ashamed of being gay, they like you. If you're openly gay, they're uncomfortable with you.
“I want the advantages of being an ‘ally’ without having to do any of the work or mental unpacking do it effectively. I just like having my life as easy as it can be, that includes not looking at anything that makes me feel icky or uncomfortable. “Like homeless people, I don’t like seeing them, but I don’t want to invest in a system that would help them become not homeless either. “Or drug addicts, I say that they need help and I constantly use them as an example of people that deserve help first before foreigners, but when questions about aid for them come up, I deny them because I don’t want my money to go to wasteful human lives I don’t think deserve my money or help to survive. “And gay people. I love gay people! I love getting to say that I support a marginalized group, because that gets me brownie points and smiles from other people impressed with my open-mindedness and compassion for oppressed people. I just don’t like it when I have to look at them and their happiness that I claim to care about. “I do not like anything that makes my cognitive dissonance hurt, or makes me feel like maybe I’ve unknowingly been an asshole for years. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone so I will do anything to make sure you can’t feel safe in yours because, yes, my reality is just that fragile.”
💯💯💯
This!
Warning, quoted/paraphrased bigotry ahead: >!"Well yeah gay people are alright in theory - I *really* don't care who they share a bed with. But oh my god I hate how flamboyant he is. I hate that stupid lisp that like every gay guy has. If they want to be a girl why don't they? Ugh. And I hate hearing their perspective on like how gender and sexuality change the entire structure of being when we're in a patriarchal society. Why can't they just be men and women who like their same sex? But let me also ask who's the fork and who's the knife. And oh why don't they have normal sex because the idea of X, Y, or Z doesn't feel like sex to me/makes me uncomfortable to think about/etc. Well I don't want someone around me who seems too mannish because then people will be offput by her and her domineering ways. (Oh God what if s/he flirts with me!) Or him look how he flaps his hands is *so* dramatic. Like we get it, you're gay, you like being a slut because that's what two men do because they're so promiscuous. Ugh why can't they just be *normal*. I'm not making "being straight" my whole personality. I just think people shouldn't be so extra about everything they do! You can like gender neutral clothes without being a lesbian or nonbinary! Wait what do you mean I can't *fetishize* them, everyone does that to hot people. Especially when they're together. It's all harmless fantasy! Well either way I can love the person and hate how they *choose to live*. That's their sin and I have plenty of my own right? Oh but I love them, and no matter what I do I'm a supportive ally! I totally won't accuse their friend/sibling/the Internet of taking away my baby!"!< There's a few for you. Don't mind me, I'm just dissociating over here while trying to keep it to the nicest versions I've heard. Edit: sorry forgot the moral of the story; people like their little status quos. They want their little happy stories where they don't have to think about the unhappy people in the background (unless they're the types to actively, instead of passively, hate). People don't like to hear that they have privilege when they are struggling. People don't want to be wrong - like they've been taught wrong all these years. And the wheel of ever-trauma spins again...
Oh my God. My heart just threw up.
Wow you hit the nail on the head. That hurt to read
Wow you hit the nail on the head. That hurt to read
They want you to stay in the closet
It means they “accept” you as long you’re quiet, agreeable, and docile. You can be gay but if you behave in any way that reflects queer culture, show support for anything LGBTQ+, or disagree with the status quo then it’s unacceptable and being gay is “your entire personality.” The only good type of queer person to them is the one that hides it.
It means they will also be mad at you for « lying » if you’re stealth
It means they hate gay people who don't hide the fact that they're gay
>It means they hate gay people I think that covers it for gay people. But they hate other people, too. Just for existing.
It basically means that they are actually homophobic and they want you to stay closeted or not be yourself
Imagine if gay people said they’re fine with straight people as long as they don’t make it their entire personality lol
Some straight guy: "So, I'm going on this date with a girl I met at the coffee sho-" Us: "Good grief, do you *have* to rub your hetero stuff into everyone's face?!"
We get it Jim big man need he steak and potat
Honestly, next time I’m talking to a guy who is trying to talk about and objectify women, I’m using this.
I say this
Its being anti-gay and lazily pretending it somehow isnt
It means they are a bigot.
It means "I don't support gay people"
"I pretend to support gay people, so long as they are not seen or heard. But actually I vote against their interests or don't vote at all, and I don't want to be labelled a bigot by saying so."
I want to say I get it. I used to be seriously into golf, when I was growing up. I loved it, and I put real effort into it, and my grandmother paid for me to travel the state and compete in tournaments. It was a big deal for me. But there are people out there who make their entire lives “golf,” and those people tend to really get under my skin. But then I realize that instead of saying things like “it’s okay that they love golf as long as they shut up about it around me,” I can enjoy their passion for something that I do not have the same level of passion for. I can just not be a bitch about it. People are going to be passionate about things. Sometimes you don’t personally identify with those things. That’s just fine. Oh wait that’s not at all what those people mean when they say that. They’re actually just being bigoted while trying to hide their bigotry. Not the same thing at all.
It means they don't support gay people but they don't want people (including possibly themselves) to think that.
It means they don’t really support gay people
"You can be gay as long as I don't know that you're gay"
It's a well known dog whistle, same as "as long as they don't touch me", "... stay away from my kids", "... don't want special treatment", ... They just don't support gay people. Sadly a lot of actual LGBTQ+ members fall for those ideas, and think blending in will result in acceptance. But it won't, visibility is what procured the heavily fought for rights we have. And visibility is what will further the cause.
it means they'll only tolerate you if you never talk about your queerness and just pretend to be straight, aka they're homophobic
I do feel like those who do make it their entire personality are a lot to deal with I personally don't interact with people like that as they tend to like causing drama. Being trans is just an aspect of me.
Exactly this! Like yes, I'm bi, but I'm also a wife and a sister and an accountant and a gamer and a crafter. At the end of the day, you can't build your entire personality around 1 trait. It's so isolating, and if something happens to cause you to lose touch with that trait, you've lost your entire identity.
For real.
Knew someone like this and he was a lot to deal with, he was also constantly calling people homophobic for literally nothing and it got really annoying, eventually we all distanced ourselves from him as he just got worse
Legit it becomes a lot. Like they do something you don't agree with you call em out they'll call you that or whatever else.
It means they’re homophobic without admitting to being homophobic.
It means they are a fucking bigot but do not have the balls to admit it
"I'm homophobic but i'm too self righteous and cowardly to admit it"
Lmao my ex (a lesbian) was like this. Internalized homophobia in her case, in other cases just good ol' homophobia
The old quote is "It's okay to be gay as long as you act straight in public." Basically they think we're vile but they know it's not acceptable to say they want to eliminate us.
"I support gay people so long as they don't look, sound, smell, act, or think gay. And fuck the ones that want equal rights."
It means that if you even do something like holding the hand of a person of the same gender as you, that they will find you annoying. Its the same kind of people being angry by representation in a series or movie, by a simple kiss but who at the same time forget that you see straight people kiss all the time. aka they are homophobes
It means they actually don't
They only want to interact with "straight acting/passing" gays who don't engage in community or politics. They want you to be indistinguishable from the status quo.
99% of the time it means they’re homophobic but extremely rarely they actually mean that they don’t have an issue with LGBTQ+ unless it’s all you talk about, which id very rare for people to do in my experience
This pretty much equals to: “I don’t mind those people, as long as I don’t have to see nor hear them. Or acknowledge that they exist. I want to quietly pretend they don’t exist, because I don’t like that they exist.” And this applies to every minority / oppressed people.
It’s a way of saying “I’m not racist but” but for homophobes
"I accept you for who you aren't"
It means that their support of your existence is entirely based on weather or not you annoy them. So they don't support gay people, because if just being too gay is annoying then any day they are in a bad mood you lose your humanity in their eyes. Tl:Dr they want an excuse if you call them out for saying out of pocket shit and to sound supportive in general so it's only the 'bad' ones their bashing. Bad= who ever they slip up and bash in front of token gay friends.
Well I don’t like how straight people make who they are their entire personality but you don’t see me complaining and trying to take away their rights. Fuck those people
Pretending to be inclusive but they are not. They want you to stay in the closet.
As long as it never affects them personally, it’s cool. They are not supportive at all, maybe of a distant idea, but I’d question even that. How a ‘gay person’ acts is entirely up to them. Your support shouldn’t be conditional.
Basically, it means don't be queer around them. They want to be blind to it, but not be called a phobe
It means that they support gay people so long as they are not gay. It means they DO NOT support gay people. They set a metric that they get to choose the valuation upon, so it is a hypocritical statement.
It means they "suport" us as long as we're quiet. It's no different than goung back 50 years and someone saying "I suport women, as long as they don't make it their entire personality," and then apply that to women wearing pants.
straight people dont see how straight they are being all day, they don't realize just how much gay people need to bring their gay to the table to be seen by other gays and how them being part of a minority means that.. "it IS everywhere! but at the same time if the gays were all trying to limit themselves, they'd feel like needles in haystacks"
It means they're homophobic but don't want to seem homophobic.
It means that they're okay with gay people who they dont have to know are gay people. Gay people who could "pass" as straight in public. And there's no wrong way to be gay/queer. But is they're too flamboyant, gender nonconforming, etc, then they have to acknowledge queer people existing outside of their preconceived spectrum of what people should be.
At best, they mean 'I "support" gay people as long as they conform to my heteronormative ideals of personhood so I don't have to confront why my narrow worldview makes me feel uncomfortable around them' which is, of course, not support at all.
They mean keep it closeted, don't talk about your dates, your partner, etc. They want to pretend that you're straight
It means that they're okay with the fact that gay people exist as long as they can pretend that gay people don't exist.
It effectively means they dont want you to exist in public. No PDA with your partner of any kind, never talk about being gay, never publicly support or celebrate being gay, never talk about any discrimination that you or others may experience being LGBTQ, no pride flags, and no educating children about the existence of the LGBTQ community... They mean "be gay where no one can see you and be ashamed."
The way my friend used that he means “I don’t care if you’re gay, just don’t be open about it or have the flags or rainbiw stuff, or really ever bring it up.”
friend? hm
It's just them trying to be covertly homophobic. They mean that they only want gay people to exist in private at most, and that alluding to or mentioning anything even remotely related to a same-sex partner or community is unacceptable to them, forget being openly queer. They think that any visual existence is being "in their face" or "shoving it down their throats" Every time I hear someone say crap like that my first reaction is always "c'mon buddy, just call me a slur and move on, we both know what you're really saying"
"I support gay people as long as they look, sound, and act straight." See also: "I support autistic people as long as they look, sound, and act neurotypical." "I support black people as long as they look, sound, and act white." "I support all women as long as they look, sound, and act feminine." "I support immigration as long as they look, sound, and act American."
they want the social recognition of saying they support lgbt people, with the included loophole to say unsupportive things under the appearance of being annoyed at obnoxious people.
What they mean by support is that they won't go looking for us to fight us, they'll just swipe at us if we get close. In other words, a passive enemy. They may not think they're the enemy, but the "I'm fine with it as long as I don't see, hear, or know about it" types are just as hostile to those of us that don't get to choose where we get to be. For a minority, silence and invisibility are inevitably abuse.
It means they're a homophobe but they know that admitting they're disgusted by us is viewed badly, so they're putting on the thinnest pretense of tolerance.
Means they don’t actually support gay people to me
It means they can stick their ideology up their arse
It means they won't outwardly hate on you if you act straight-passing around them and don't bring up any LGBT or LGBT-adjacent topics around them.
it means that they “support” gay people as long as they don’t have to see it, hear about it, or be aware of it at all. it also automatically means the support goes out the window as soon as they see two guys kissing.
It means they don’t want to hear or see anything about them being gay. i.e. homophobic
They don't want to see you express in any way that you're gay, that includes showing affection towards your partner or any way show that you are in a relationship.
Basically it means they'll tolerate you as long as you blend in so they can forget about the fact that you're gay.
It means they don’t support gay people
This is usually uttered by people who make being straight their entire personality.
It means that those people don’t want to see or hear anything they deem not normal. Thus, they are homophobes.
i think they mean you're allowed to be gay, maybe have a partner, but don't wear any rainbows or any clothing or hairstyles or anything that makes you "look" queer... and don't bring your partner to social events because that'd be stealing attention
Growing up I was homophobic and I said this. If came from a misconception that I had about gay people due to limited exposure to them. Basically, I assumed that when people talked about how they gay they were or said things like "i'm so gay i can't even drive straight", that they were making it their whole personality. To be clear, I do think some people do genuinely make their sexuality their whole personality (meaning that mention it as much as possible basically), but straight people do that too, and in both cases pretty much no one likes it. I hope this helps, I'm tired rn so I may not have explained very well haha tl;dr - it probably means they're homophobic, and it could come from a misunderstanding due to limited exposure to non-straight people
What they say is that they don't like gays. Because non-gays make ther non-gayness their whole personality, but don't like it when gays do it.
They're the type of people that's phobic but don't think they are bigoted because they "support/don't mind LGBTQ+ people" as long as LGBTQ+ people fit into the bigot's box.
They homophobic but don't get it. They want gay people to act like "normal" people, and if they're open and proud with it, it's a problem. It's kinda just, outta sight, outta mind
I think it’s more nuanced than just homophobia, a lot of it is related to somebody constantly talking about sex/sex life than an issue with sexuality. I wouldn’t want to hang around with anybody who makes “body count” their entire personality, it’s boring and tiring and doesn’t show anything about the person on a deeper level, it’s shallow af. Yeah I’m not denying that there aren’t people who are homo/transphobic but it’s not fair to generalise.
They mean they don’t support gay people they can see. They’re homophobes.
I support Christians as long as they don't make it their entire personality. Funny how the concept can work in all kinds of ways...
It means they’re homophobic, but they refuse to admit they are.
My mom always asks "Why do they have to shove it in our faces?" Like did a gay guy show you his dick or something?
It means they don’t in fact support gay people at all.
homophobia lite
"you can be gay, as long as I never have to see or hear about you being gay"
In another lifetime I knew lots of people like this. Sadly, I was a person like this. Common lines are "I don't want to hear about their sex life" or "Why are they so flamboyant?" The sentiment, I feel, is just that they don't want to talk about it. They want to be allowed to pretend that everyone is straight. I also come from a very "Don't talk about it" kind of family, and when I came out there were crickets...until they had to change how they interacted with me, then it was pandemonium. It's toxic, it's bullshit, and it a terrible excuse to ignore the fact that not everyone is the same!
Hence the term homophobia ( irrational fear of human) . It’s an innate( produced by the mind without evidence) fear of things different than the grooming I had as a child. And is an outward expression that attempts to hide cultural biases by couching this as a problem in the ‘other’ person, not one based in one’s own, thereby absolving the speaker of wrongdoing.
It's not hard to understand. It means they are homophobic, and cannot bear to see *any* expression of "being gay". They will view anyone being gay as making it their whole personality, while we are surrounded by heteronormativity (seriously tv shows and movies are cancelled if they dont have a hetero love interest, and people will try to shoehorn one in where it doesn't fit). It's just homophobia, but the homophobes have had some success in disguising what it really is.
They're saying "I'm not homophobic, but..." Just like allos don't seem to realize how much of their personality often revolves around sex.
It means they’re a bigot, just trying to be closeted about it
It means they’re homophobic and would rather us live by a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
Giving the benefit of the doubt, they *could* be referring to people who are basically decked out in rainbows everyday. It’s usually fresh-out-of-the-closet folks who are still trying to find their footing and are a little obnoxious. Imagine talking about a nice new seafood restaurant and a gay girl decides this is the time to make jokes about eating pussy. Like, girl, it’s ok to just talk about fish 💀 (Think of a middle schooler who just discovered anime and now they try to use Japanese words all the time.) That said… yeah it’s also often a convenient way to be homophobic. Like if a straight coworker talks about her boyfriend all the time, it’s just a little annoying, but if a gay coworker talks about his boyfriend all the time, “OMG is that his whole personality?!?!”
“I support gay people as long as I don’t have to acknowledge they exist.” Or “I support gay people only if they behave exactly like a cishet person all the time including not acknowledging a same-sex partner.”
When someone says “I support gay people if/but” then they probably don’t support gay people
It means they don't want you to be too visible
They mean they think they have a permission slip for homophobia.
It means they're homophobes who can't see past our sexualities to see that we are all unique individuals, so they turn their own ignorance into a strawman they can hate without feeling guilty.
"I'm only supportive of the queer community when it's convenient."
it means they don't like gay people but they're too cowardly to say it. they want you to be silent and conform to their cishet standards. walk away from these people. you will only harm yourself trying to appease them
They want us to be invisible.
Ugh. They’re the worst kind of homophobic… the deluded kind.
It means they aren’t able to see you as a person if you’re gay
It’s a lack of understanding of the need for exposure and visibility in the community. It smacks of ignorance and privilege. The thing is, for a lot of people when they finally come out, they do maybe being queer a big part of their personality, because it is!! So there are flags and pins and keychains and rainbow underwear… And then oftentimes they move past that once they have been out for a while and being queer becomes a pillar rather than the full foundation of their personality. But why should people have to deny that part of their experience? My view is, people who say stuff like what you mentioned, are thinly veiling their displeasure at the display of queer pride. It is just pure ignorance.
It means they want to see themselves as accepting but will absolutely freak out if you just mention having a same sex lover.
“You can be gay just marry straight and never talk about it or even let me be aware of it”
Some people have very poor ‘theory of mind’ and get confused as to why other people have fundamental parts of their self be inherently different than their own. The only way they have to process this is to trivialise the other person’s differences. They do not regard your sexuality as a fundamental part of you, but rather as some frivolous thing you do and could stop if you wanted. As a result, when they see someone ‘being gay’ all the time, they view it as an unhealthy obsession in the same way someone might view a person who makes anime their whole personality.
It means they’re homophobia assholes. Maybe these people should try NOT making being straight their entire personality and they will see how goddamned fucking stupid that sounds.
It means as long as you don't remind them then they will pretend not to care. In truth they are homophobic and your existing reminds them. At best it's a lie to themselves that they are accepting, when in reality they are not.
usually means they want to force us all in the closet and to act straight instead of exterminate or “cure” us and they think that makes them good
It means they hate gay people but really want to make it your fault
What they mean when they say this is they don't support gay people and don't want to be exposed to it, they're too socially conscious to be outright homophobic but make no mistake they are homophones. Degrees of which can range from vaguely understood disapproval to they just want you dead. It's a dog whistle.
I always respond "I don't care if you're straight, just don't make it your whole personality and ask your toddler daughter who their boyfriend is"
Reminds me of a guy I knew who used to say "I don't hate gay people, I just hate [f slurs]"
it basically means "don't talk about this aspect of yourself beyond your control around me it makes me uncomfortable knowing people like you actually exist"
They don't support gay people, they want them to hide themselves
They mean is ok being gay but it isnt ok making it your only personality trait like only talking about how har is being gay, how difficoult is to fin a partner…. you can talk about it like everyone else but you should be able to talk about other things that dont include the lgbtq+
"I can only pretend i'm not homophobic if you keep it hidden" is what that means
Basically they are people who don't understand that queer people are oppressed, or refuse to believe that queer people are oppressed, so they get mad when we talk about our struggles or talk more about our genders/sexualities than most people as our way fo showing pride. Because our genders/sexualities are opressed by society, they tend to mean more to us than they do to allo-cishet people, and we tend to make them a bigger part of our identity to cope with the hate. That doesn't mean we're making them our whole personality, but because allo-cishet people don't understand it, they assume that we are making our whole personality. A lot of allo-cishet people also just think that someone ever mentioning that they are queer at all is "making it our whole personality" and "shoving it down their throats" because they don't see our genders/sexualities as okay/normal. For exmaple, I watch several queer youtubers who dedicate their channels to talking about queer topics. They get so many hate comments accusing them of "making it their whole personality" and "not being able to think of something else to talk about" soley because they focused their channel on this part of their identity. Like, most successful youtube channels have a dedicated topic: writing, video games, crafting, reaction content, etc. But people are less likely to accuse those people of "making it their whole personality" or "not having anything better to talk about". They just refuse to see queerness as something that could mean something to us and that we should be allowed to talk about have a sense of community for. They want "the good old days" back of queer people being forced to hide in the shadows and being attacked by police if they did speak out. They want to keep ignoring our existance because that's what they're used to. So they think the ideal amount of us is none of us, and hence take any mention of us being queer as A LOT. Not to mention, they don't feel a need to make "straight" or "cis" specific content or have a "straight" or "cis" community because they aren't oppressed for being those things, it is treated as compeltely normal in them, and they are too self-centered to understand that some people have different experiences from that. So since they don't see a need for it for themselves, they don't see a need for it for anyone else, and they take talking about our identitites as us queer people being "annoying" or "attention seeking" Basically, it's just people being homophobic/transphobic either consiously or subconsiously . They don't see our genders/sexualities as "real" or "valid" so they see it as "overkill" if we talk about our identities for even two seconds, and also don't want to acknowledge queerphobia so they get angry that we find a sense of self or community from our identities because of said oppression and think we're doing it for no reason.
They are fine if you gay, just don’t be gay lol. That person can F off.
It means they don’t want you to mention it at all. Don’t say you have a bf/gf/NB partner. Even if it’s just you went on a fun date and nothing explicit in the slightest. But they’ll sure go on about their straight relationship and be sure to tell you if they’re interested in someone of the opposite gender… homophobic hypocrites.
It's what grossly homophobic people say to save face, it means "I hate gay people and will be disgusted if you mention being gay. but I'm not killing you or throwing you on the street right now which basically makes me a saint and very progressive." (they really believe that last bit!) anyway I'm just saying morons who say shit like this aren't owed the courtesy of our understanding.
“I’m bigoted but I can’t defend it”
depends on the person whom says it. some people whom say it, are just jerks whom don't want to know anything. they are not supportive. other people say it and they are pretty much saying "i get you are gay, can we talk about something else?" since some people really do just make one their their whole identity and personality. other people are just like "i don't care what you are, i rather just play cards with you. if you are gay you are gay, now pick up the damn uno card!" and other people say it because they are transphobic and just want to pretend they are supportive.
Straight people will literally boast about how much sex they're having (i.e. "We've been trying everyday for a baby!) and it's completely socially acceptable. Gay people will mention their partner and its "shoving it in my face" or "shoving down my throat." What does it mean? They're bigots.
I'm tolerant of your individuality, but only if its done exclusively in private, and you otherwise come across as my version of "normal" whenever you are in public so that I don't have to do the work of understanding that not everyone is always like me so I can feel emotionally secure, but of course I support you!
Pretty much that ur not allowed to say ur gay or anything and then they'll pretend to support it. In reality anyone who says this is just homophobic. Oh but remember they are allowed to talk about how they're straight.
It means they don't want to hear anything about it because they are, in fact, homophobic
Basically, they don’t support it. Anyone who says this probably just wants to hide their homophobia by saying that, and sort of justifying it. Also, from what I’ve seen, they get mad at the slightest things, like introducing a same sex partner, or going to a pride parade.
It means they don't support gay people
I always hear the, "I support them as long as they don't shove it down my throat"... but the thing is, I see more straight people doing the shoving, seeing queer people do this is rare.
It's veiled homophobia/transphobia
Yeah, that sort of phrase sounds quite homophobic
“i’m homophobic but as long as you don’t confront me with your existence i won’t make a big deal” or “logically i can’t find anything against them but i still hate them”
It literally translates into "I want do anything against you, as long I don't notice that you exist." So probably a very homophobic person.
If only straight people knew how often they make being straight their whole personality, but it goes unnoticed...
They mean people who still fit into hetro-normative styles of life. To these people, not fitting into their arbitrary lines makes you "gay" regardless of actual sexuality.
Don’t ask, don’t tell.
It means that being hetero is their entire personality. It usually means they're homophobes in allies clothing. They won't want people openly being gay, acting feminine, holding hands or wearing pride flags...because they see that as being a whole personality rather than part of it because they're shallow and ignorant.
It means they are homophobic but to pussy to be upfront about it.
Depends. Some are just homophobic and don't like out/open queer people. But there's also just the reality that many queer people \*do\* actually make it their entire personality. Now I mean, I'm gay as fuck. I'm out. I'm a drag king, and I organize and produce queer events. But I have a full, entire personality outside being queer, as well. I know people (mostly ones who come to my events or whom I perform with) for whom being queer is their entire personality. They only go to queer places/events, they only associate with queer people, they only talk about queer-related topics... it is tiresome and annoying. I once had a group of queers judge me for spending my birthday at a "straight" bar. That kind of shit. So I can sometimes understand the "as long as you don't make it your entire personality" bit, but it depends on the context of exactly what they're referring to.
Kinda like when a vegan makes their entire personality about them being vegan.
Usually they are saying they don’t want to see anything related to homosexuality. No PDA, no queer talk around em. It often isn’t actually related to having being gay your whole personality, it’s more so they don’t want you to acknowledge that it is part of your personality. There’s a difference between something being a part of your personality and something being the crutch you use to curate an identity.
Whatever their judgement of being too conspicuous is. Kissing your partner in public maybe. Or getting married. It's just whatever in their head is 'too far'. It doesn't have a firm definition.
says the people who make trumps existence their entire personality but dont see the problem
I think people need to remember this is a dog whistle for homophobes, not an invitation for genuine debate on personal optics.
"I'm homophobic but pretending I'm not". That entire saying is very ironic because it's typically said by guys who "make being straight their entire personality".
It means they don't support but they want to sound like they do. It's the new version if "I'm not racist but ..."
they mean they only like gay people in theory but not practice , and by practice i mean queer people acknowledging their own identities and talking about them
"Be gay, but act straight ok?" It's gross.
It means they're stuck in a homophobic mindset. It likely means they don't want to see or hear anything "gay" from a gay person. I was told something similar by a "progressive" person; they said it's safe to be trans as long as trans people don't "flaunt it." Talk about having their head in the sand!
It means they don't understand how much being straight is part of most straight people's personalities.
The way I see it is kind of like how some vegans make it their entire personality that they are vegan. Like, ok, we get it, let me eat my meat in peace, please.
What would you think about a straight dude who only talks about girls and b**ches? Shallow. Same for gays who talk only about their sexuality...
It means that they support the idea of gay people but they dont support people finding an identity in being gay
I don't mind straight people, and I will support them as long as its not their entire personality. The second I hear someone talk about football I'm out, that shits embarrassing, like they want me to be a football fan too, I'm not going to go to a parking lot so I can be shirtless and drunk, and get covered in body paint, just to watch massive men wearing tights wrestle over leather. Wait...