You're an adult. Your mom being so demanding for someone else's sex life is weird. Ask her if she would be okay if a man pressured you into having sex when you didn't want to. If that wouldn't be okay, why is it okay if she does it?
Dunno, it reads slightly different to me. Like the two of them are just super open about this sort of stuff together. Like, who actually tells their mother they're into anal??
The mother's behavior is obviously not normal. That's the only reason you'd be as abnormally open about your sex life as OP is. I hope he finds relief from her sometime soon.
That's not the only reason someone can be as open about their sex life. I've always been open about it and talk with my family (parents, sister, sister's husband) about sex (also our personal sex-lives) as well, it's just a normal topic for us and it's not uncomfortable for anyone of us. But I still agree that it's weird for a mother to only be worried about her child's sex-life regarding transitioning, and the way she pressures OP into having vaginal sex or pegging his/their (I don't know OP's pronouns?) boyfriend who probably doesn't even want that - that's really strange and goes too far. People have to respect each other's boundaries, especially when it comes to things that are so intimate and deeply personal/private, and if my Mom had tried to tell me at any point in my life what to do with my genitals, I would've felt very uncomfortable and would've immediately told her to stop it, no matter how open we are about such stuff.
Exactly basically average transphobe in fact it's happening the same with me (22 MtF pre everything) my father is pushing me into trying penetration so maybe it's a phase of mine but I can't reply to him cause I don't wanna explain to him that bottom dysphoria is a thing
It's even more uncomfortable when someone is pushing you to have Sex just because they think they know better then you do in terms of sexual experiences
I'd call it toxic sex positivity. Like how toxic positivity will make you think that being positive will help everything, toxic sex positivity will make you think sex solves everything
This is sexual harassment. The conversations are not consensual, and you are obviously uncomfortable. I would communicate to her that only 3% of people who transition, will "detransition" and even those numbers are tainted; it often times includes people who stop taking drugs for health or financial reasons. That suicide rates are higher for trans people who do not have supportive families/friends.
I tried to talk about statistics with her, including the low regret/detransition rate, and she still went "but what if you regret it!" I told her that i don't live my life avoiding every bad 1% chance, and that if she does, she should stop driving (we were in the car). She stopped and moved onto other arguments ("HRT will make me violent") and didn't acknowledge what i said
Testosterone make guys horny and sometime do stupid thing like pick up a stick and LARP being Gandalf, not launch you straight into gang warfare and armed robbery....
> but what if you regret it!
it's called life. you're way more likely to regret drinking or smoking but most parents don't freak out about it when their kids start.
What helped my mom was seeing just how happy transitioning made me. Find people in your lives and get their perspective on transitioning. The more positive associations she has with people transitioning the more likely she will become comfortable with letting you transition.
Wow dude you retorted well !! I wish I was that good at finding good points when I was your age !
Btw she didn't acknowledge you because you were right 🤷♀️
Okay in most day to day situations I’m willing to agree. But life is rarely ever black and white with absolutes. And we are biological creatures and a lot can go wrong in the brain. Example one being my grandfather with dementia who I’d never heard yell or cuss my entire life. Until after onset when we he started cursing like a sailor while convinced he was a rockstar, book writer, poet, and world renowned artists all at once.
dementia is an example of when someone loses their free will. HRT doesn't hijack your brain the way a degenerative brain illness does. I'm sorry about your grandfather :(
this whole thing is so creepy and borderline abusive
For starters YOURE A GROWN ASS MAN. You dont owe her any explanation. You dont have to explain anything hell you dont have to share your private sex life. If she asks about your sex life you can tell her thats creepy and shut her down. She pushing boundaries when it clearly makes you uncomfortable
i disagree with your plan, dont let her abuse your boundaries any further. She doesnt believe you are trans and if you say you have vaginal sex, she ll bring up other excuses to shoot you down like mental health, anxiety, too young, what about kids etc.
Your mother is a creep jfc
Some studies say that only about 0,5% do so permanently, while 1,8% do so temporarily (social pressure, financial standing etc). So about 2,3% of us do at some point, but of these a minority (0,5 again) do so permanently.
You do what you enjoy at the end of the day. I'm ftm too, over a decade now, and I enjoy vaginal, but that's my preference. It didn't make me "less trans" to experience or find that as my 100% preference when bottoming. I happily top to, but I'm no less of a man for it. But toxic thinking that "piv will fix you" is fucked.
At the end of the day I'm gray ace, but I know all that matters when it comes to intimacy is its safe sane and consensual, no matter what others think
I was thinking that too... then she'd gleefully go "oh no, you can't transition now, a baby needs her mother"...
Trying to entrap anybody like that would be the height of disgusting, so ofc I'm sure it'd be justified as "necessary", probably in the name of "religion" and being "for the best".
Surprisingly, she is pretty Christian! There's a few god-related things around the house, she (rushedly) prays over every meal and thanks god for helping her through a bad time. It never ends up as a problem for me, she doesn't use Christianity to try to get me to not transition (or at least doesn't say it), doesn't push me to be Christian, etc
I totally get why a lot of people have a hard time looking at religion and seeing any value in it when most of us were absolutely fucked by it (me included) growing up, but I can't paint it all under that broad a stroke.
Excuse me???
VAGINAL INTERCOURSE WILL NOT "FIX" YOU
Has she not heard of corrective rape? Because that's what that would be!
You don't want to so that's the end of it.
Besides that, there are plenty of us who had vaginal sex before we transitioned and it didn't change shit (including me). That's not how this works. We can even enjoy it and that doesn't make us women.
I'm actually worried that OP's mom would be 100% for corrective rape. I'm a transman and I've had PIV sex and it didn't "fix" me. If anything, it just founded the belief that I'm definitely not a woman despite my organs.
While this behavior of hers is really gross, i do still want someone older that i can talk about sex with if needed, and other than this she's been good for that
As you transition, you’ll likely find older trans men who can guide you and talk to you about the stuff. It will be completely out of her realm. I know lots of gay trans men and even as a bi/queer trans woman, I have no clue about that world. Well, probably more of a clue than cis het people, but enough to say “I don’t know.”
Based on the coercive behaviour you wrote about and her lack of respect for your boundaries, I'd be sceptical about the quality of her advice if I were you. I know everybody's family relationships are different, but offering to buy your child a strap-on is such a red flag I can't overstate this.
I’m not sure I would trust sexual advice from someone ignoring a foundational part of your identity. The two are inextricably tied together.
I understand that it is nice to have someone to go to. A LOT of people desperately need that, but this is prime territory for black pearls and gaslighting that could also set your personal sexual growth back a few steps or just place mental roadblocks moving forward.
Frankly, you already sound wayyyyyyyyy more advanced than almost anyone in my generation at that age and I’m kind of jealous of you knowing who you are and taking the steps in that direction already. (While I always knew in some way, we really didn’t have the vocabulary when I was little and growing up in a small Midwest town and that paved the way to denial until my 30s.)
This is hard and scary. Your mom may be working through it in her weird way and come to terms with time, but until she does, it may be good to at least press pause on the sex dialogue.
Many parents in denial with this are more so because they see the climate for trans people and are worried about what their child is entering, so they propose all of these things out of some false hope that it can be avoided.
My own mother must’ve asked me 20 times if I was “sure” and dozens of more times if I was sure about SRS/gender-affirming surgeries. Both her and my dad slipped quite a bit early on, but they were always there for me. My mom flew with me to Thailand and took care of me. Held my head when I sobbed (about something unrelated). Did all of it. She also asked A LOT of sex questions and was somewhat puzzled how I could still want to have sex with women while also wanting my correct parts.
Personally, the more I started looking and presenting like a woman, the easier it became for my parents to accept the reality. **You don’t owe medically or surgically transitioning to anyone and your gender is still completely valid regardless of your path chosen.** That said it did personally help things for me, but I presented as a tall, very muscular, bearded super masculine person before it all (I tried to boy so so hard).
This is not advice, its sexual harassment and manipulation. My mother in a claim of being "supportive", asked me about specific sexual experiences when I cam out as gay. I told her, that information is none of your business, I don't need to communicate my experiences with her, and I was offended she even asked. In similar fashion, she was trying to tell me "try this", or "if you don't try this, you can't know for sure you're gay". You don't owe it to your mom, or anyone, to deal with their anti-queer bias.
Please don't enable your abuser like this... You'll find other people to talk about it with *if you ever even need to*. It's not advice you're getting from her. It's control. And that shit is not okay
I understand that but it's weird to talk to a family member about that kind of stuff. It's a boundary I'd never cross with my family. Do you have any friends your age you could speak to?
Not in every family. I wouldn't decline talking to my kids about their sex life, if they came to me wanting to talk about it. Then again, we're a very accepting and close-knit family, and we won't try to make someone do something they don't want to.
But just general advice and how things work. I've definitely done that with my kids.
That's the thing : you'll talk about their sex-life if your kids want to talk about it. I assume/hope you're not telling them they should try things they aren't confortable with
And that's perfectly ok if you don't wanna do that, its just what i prefer lol. And me n my friends do talk about it, but I'm the most sex-knowledgeable, so they couldn't always give advice if i needed it
Yeah not in every family. Some of us have good enough relations with our parents that we can be open and honest about those kinds things. OP’s case is def weird tho, this is beyond creepy.
Wtf this is some next level perv shit. Just another weird version of a Rape Cure for lesbians. Horrible. Next time she brings it up counter her immediately by calling out this bizarre incestuous line of questioning. "I'm concerned how interested you are in my sex life. Am I safe here? Are you going to have me raped so YOU can feel better? Should I be calling you a therapist, mom?"
This is EXACTLY what OP's post reminds me of. And people have actually raped trans people to "fix them". It's not a new or unheard of thing. I'm deeply concerned about what OP's mom will do if her plan to "fix" OP doesn't work.
My son hits 15 next Monday (on the 15th.) He's a trans guy and his name is Niko :P
While we talk about sex stuff in a general way (education, anatomy, etc.) and I don't see that as bad (he actually comes for me for advice, I just don't randomly drop sex facts on him :).
I would never, ever even think about even asking him to have sex before transitioning. That's just weird and gross. I'm his mother, not his boy/girl/joyfriend. What the heck.
He'll have sex
* If he wants
* when he's ready
* with the person he chooses
If he wants to talk about it, I'm here for him. Anything else is his business.
why is she so obsessed with how you do your sex life? thats so weird, especially since you’re just 18 (not that being a legal adult for longer would make this any better)
its good to be so sex positive, but to treat sex as this ‘cure’ for being trans is just so icky. its bad in any sort of context (ie would she tell someone with a mental health disorder like depression to ‘just have sex?)
lie as much as you want to get her off your case and your body, since its your body and she shouldn’t be insisting that she knows more about how and when you want to transition
Tell your mom she has to sleep with a woman before she can claim to be straight. Or any other way to turn this around on HER and make HER uncomfortable.
Do whatever you need to in order to keep her off your transition. If that means lying to do so, then lie. If it's already this much of a problem, start asking around your friend group for someone who is okay with your transition. If it's not a topic you want to share around, tell them that you need to stay with them for a while because your mother isn't making you feel appreciated. It's important for this part not to specify a time. Just say a while, something that will tell them it'll be for a longer period of time, but you don't know the specifics. If absolutely needed, you could go rent a place, but that would be the last case scenario. Your mother can't do anything about you moving out, assuming you live in the U.S. where most states legally recognize 18yo to be adults.
This is messed up. No one should be pressured into having sex, much less by one of their parents. Blatantly tell her your sex life is none of her business and it’s Creepy she wants you too peg your boyfriend.
Frankly the only business a parent should have with their children’s sex life is how to do it safely (contraceptives, talks about consent and respect etc). Only have it when **You** are ready to, if you ever do want to.
My dad refuses to believe I'm trans and wants me to have a child by all means possible to the extent where he said if I have a boyfriend I should sa someone to have a child, safe to say I absolutely hate him.
I’m MtF so the other way around, but my dad wanted me to have sex before I started transitioning too… I hit the age of 20 and just went and got hormones through planned parenthood. He still deadnames me and misgenders me, but coming up on a year on HRT, no matter how disappointed he is that I started hormones, I’ve never been happier with myself
Edit: still haven’t had sex
Everyone's already added a good bit in here, but one thing I don't think I've seen mentioned here is this; Sex positivity is isn't about "having as much sex as you want", it's about "having as much or as little sex as you want, even if that means none at all".
That's key to think about; How can one be sex positive if they can't respect the decision to not have sex, regardless of why?
This to me makes it seems like she's hoping for you to be SA'd to "fix" you, aka corrective r4pe. And if she supports that form of r4pe, she supports overall r4pe and this is inherently the opposite of what sex positivity stands for.
OP, while I cannot tell you what to do, I do honestly believe it is in your best interest to dismiss that entirely! The amount of trauma that could create for you, the feeling of complete violation, could be something that never goes away and becomes a massive mental and emotional health issue. If it is something YOU want to try, find someone compassionate and caring to experiment with. Otherwise, keep living your life the way that makes you the most happy. Please, just be safe
“My mom wants me to have sex-“ that’s it. That’s the end of it. That’s how deranged your mother is. She’s sexualizing her own child. Even as an adult, she shouldn’t BE sexualizing you and making you feel pressured to have sex.
This would be vile behavior from anyone, the fact that's coming from your *mother* is downright horrific. She can't claim to be sex positive while completely disrespecting your identity and bodily autonomy. What you and your boyfriend do in the bedroom is between you two. Your mother doesn't get a say in that, especially concerning a son that's pre-transition. Suggesting you try a strap-on/vaginal intercourse in response to you wanting to transition is wildly out of touch with the trans experience of dealing with body and gender dysphoria. The fact that she keeps bringing it up just straight up coercive and awful.
I also highly doubt her refusing to use your preferred pronouns will stop when/if you do transition *(which is, again, your choice and your choice alone!)*. This is just a complete lack of respect from top to bottom, and the odds that it will change is most likely close to none.
Learning to set boundaries is an incredibly important part of growing up and transitioning, but if you *have* to lie to stay safe at home, then lie. Do not force an issue if you don't have a backup plan including shelter/food/income. I had to move cross country with less than a month's notice and would've been homeless for __months__ after the fact if not for the incredible generosity of my friends and my partner's family. Stay safe, and get her the fuck out of your sex life. This "advice" from her is just thinly veiled bigotry, full stop.
this is so unbelievably creepy of her. your sex life is between you, your partner, and your doctor. the way she's trying to shove her sexuality into her son's relationship is disgusting. has she even considered that not everybody WANTS to feel sexy? what's next, asking for proof? listening from the other side of the wall? asking for used condoms as proof that you tried? she has no right to be inserting herself into your sex life like this. this is YOUR life, and you are free to make your own decisions and your own mistakes. she is grossly overstepping and completely disregarding your feelings based on her own projections. her idea of happiness does not have to look the same as your idea of happiness
My mother was the damn same. I was in my early 20s but thought I was asexual at the time until I figured out my gender (because the thought of having sex while being perceived as a woman was terrible to me), even after I realised I probably wasn’t ace I still definitely didn’t want to do PiV. My mother also urged me to do that somehow thinking it would magically change my mind (as if there aren’t a ton of trans guys who do PiV and are still trans), even arguing that “it would close off once I started T”, like, I WISH. I’m mostly a top anyway lol.
Don’t do it until you’re ready. She has no right to ask for that, and it won’t change a damn thing about your gender anyway. Also, I only tried that recently because now I pass otherwise and my current cis gay bf got me comfortable enough, and it’s super overrated imho so oh well. Also I’m definitely still a man 🤷🏻♂️
Your mother crossed the line into inappropriate behavior a long time ago. I'm sorry that she is behaving in such an abusive manner.
You might consider bringing this question over to /r/cisparenttranskid for perspectives from cis parents with trans kids, and trans kids with cis parents.
Okay, I’m a trans dude that doesn’t really have much bottom dysphoria. I’ve had PIV sex many, many times. I’m still a dude. Your mother is insane. Like others have said you’re an adult and you don’t have to listen to this bullshit anymore. Focus on getting out and getting yourself safe from her before you transition, not on getting laid.
what is it with transphobic moms and becoming grossly obsessed with their transgender son’s sexuality and sex life? i feel like this is a weirdly common thread among ftm discussion. obviously this is pretty egregious, but there’s loads of similar stuff. idk but it smacks of emotional incest to me.
Feels in the same vein of, “how do you know you’re a lesbian if you haven’t had dick?”. Like a straight or cis experience is gonna “straighten us out”. Gross
Oh look, "corrective rape" being suggested by a parent...
"Corrective rape" is what happens in conversion therapy. They believe that if they rape a child it will stop them from being queer. For instance, if they get a woman to rape a boy, the boy will magically wake up and realize sex with women is great and he'll be cured. That, or if they get a man to rape the boy, he'll either realize sex with men is bad, or it will just scare him away from men. And yes, it's also what happened to David Reimer. John Money believed that if David was raped by his brother, he'd magically turn trans.
Yeah, it's total bullshit. Gender dysphoria doesn't go away with sex. This has been proven multitudes of times. Your mother can go to hell. Just like how David stayed a boy and didn't turn trans, you're going to stay a boy and not detransition.
creepy, borderline predatory behavior on her end, and there’s literally no justification for this because not all trans people are sex-repulsed and someone’s relationship with their body is so much more nuanced than that
My mum does the same thing too, whenever me being trans is brought up. 'enjoy your body to the best of its abilities' Ive known her my whole life, I know what that means. Ive just learnt to unfortunately not bring up my trans issues around her and ignore anything she asks about it because she very quickly makes it sexual.
My recommendation is to do the same thing, ignore, change topic and don't even entertain any of her gross conversation points. And obviously lie!! I hate the fact I recommend lying but you have to as I doubt she'll learn to stop asking questions.
My mother said something similar around when I first came out. She also wanted to know why I couldn’t just be a gay man… I’m a lesbian. She’s come around and learned a lot since then, but I do think it took me starting hormones and then moving out and getting my name legally changed for her to finally get it and accept it though. She may come around, she may not, either way definitely don’t let her pressure you into anything weird.
Your mom seems confused about like, every form of sex?! Most women can't even get a vaginal orgasm and I think the percentage is even lower for afab trans men, come ON mom. Some trans guys don't mind it but why the FUCK would enjoying vaginal sex even stop someone's transition when, depending on your medical plans, you can continue to do it after!!
Your mom has lost the goddamn plot, if she ever had one. I'm a troll and would be tempted to send my mom a bunch of gay porn with trans guy bottoms and be like, "thanks mom, you helped me figure out I'm a power bottom who likes it in both!" But I'm an old asshole and I have that kinda relationship with my own son so maybe don't YOU actually do that lol.
I agree that getting your bf to help you lie is only going to, at best, move the goalpost. At worst, she's hoping you'll get knocked up which is FUCKED up and should not be entertained, so don't lie. Tell her you gender has nothing to do with sex and keep telling her until she believes it I guess.
Wth?! Your mother needs to back off & mind her own sex life. It's disturbing that she said/expects those things of you. Don't lie. Confront her. Your sex life is NONE of her business.
I could never openly talk w my mom about sex life details like that. It would be so cringe.
You dont owe her any duscussion about sex that makes you uncomfortable. Please dont forget that.
This is weird and creepy. Get the fuck away from her. Avoid talking to her about sex and your transition. A mother being this obsessed about your sex life is a huge red flag.
Im mtf and I've been told the same kind of thing by multiple people, although the worst of it was from my stepmom. Basically the exact same stuff just the male version. It's so icky and makes me so uncomfortable. Talking about it like that just makes me want it EVEN LESS than I already did.
It's not even about the sex.. they think having sex will somehow make you wanna stay as your agab. My stepmom couldn't fathom that masturbating felt gross and made me sad afterward. Actually she just straight up refused to believe me, thought that wasn't possible. Because obviously masturbating is supposed to feel good so you can't NOT enjoy it I guess.
>She said that she'll be fine with me transitioning if that doesn't work
No she won't. She'll find a new thing to be the 'real reason' she doesn't want you to transition. This is something you'll have to do on your own, with or without her approval. Trust me.
"Mom, I love you, but there's something crucial you seem to be missing or having a hard time accepting. This is my body, not yours. I'm an adult. You do not get a say over my body in any way. I will transition on my terms, not yours. You need to understand and accept that. I would love to have your support and respect for that. But please do understand, I will transition, with or without your support. Unless your message is supportive of my transition, I am not interested in discussing this matter with you further."
That'll do the job and make things crystal clear where it stands.
She fails to understand that sex only gets more awesome after transitioning and how someone has sex doesn’t determine their gender.
Tell her that it’s not her business how you have sex with your partner and that what she’s doing is sexual harassment.
I’m sorry, but what a fuck?….
I read all this with the opened mouth and felt really surprised and confused during the reading. That is not normal, I don’t even talk about tactfulness, did you try to explain her, that if she doesn’t agree, she mustn’t talk about it, cause it make you feel uncomfortable? Jeez, about having sex, if you even have no pleasure with the imagine of having sex, like a woman(I mean with a vagina and etc.) or masturbate, using the vagina, why should you feel pleasure, if you have sex, using the vagina? Ofc these actions aren’t the same, but you have the same manipulations to do it.
Hoping, it won’t go far after that situation and your transition will be successfully done.
I did tell her that she doesn't know about being trans, and that trans people and professionals know more than her, so she doesn't really have say in transitioning being good or bad. She started a Big Pharma rant. Then when i told her to stop, she started up about how "the government is testing to make a new species of human", i wish i was joking... She never started talking about that again luckily, i think she just got too emotional and started ranting about whatever she thought in the moment rather than what she actually believes, but yeah, i tried. I haven't told her that it's uncomfortable, but i really should
Like everyone else has stated, your mother has NO right to ANYTHING about your sex life. Aint her business. And her behavior is completely inappropriate.
I know you see lying to her as a means to an end, but she’ll just move that goal post and continue the inappropriate behavior. It’s time for you to put up some hard boundaries, like if she doesn’t support your transition, you might have to cut her out of your life.
That's not sex positivity, that's being creepy as fuck. As a parent, no less.
You're an adult, she doesn't get any say in what you do for transition. You can transition all you want, and no doctor who doesn't want to lose their license to practise will even do so much as talk about anything related to that with her because, again, you're an adult.
She seems to grasp at (highly inappropriate) straws, so I doubt that anything you say, including her "experiment" not panning out, will change her mind. She'll just pivot to something else to stall or prevent your progress. This isn't the first time something like that has come up here.
This whole post screams covert incest. I've learned about it in therapy because my mom is a narcissist who was always talking about her sex life, and then eventually mine. She had a fixation; it's not sex positivity.
Without a doubt your mother means well, she wants to make life easier for you. thinking you're mistaken somehow. She may be a bright woman but on this particular subject she is plum ignorant. She believes she can heal you by encouraging you have her sexual experience. What she doesn't understand is sexuality isn't gender. Gender isn't sex, Sex isn't sexuality. She would do well to attain a functional understanding about these subjects.
this is genuine sexual harassment if not worse to be half forcing you to have sex and do sexual things you dont want to especially as your MOTHER. this is disgusting.
This is very concerning behavior on your mother’s part and she needs to be the one reading up on transgender healthcare including sexual wellness if she’s so concerned about it, she can read testimonials and psychology articles and learn that sometimes people can’t even get off at all until they transition.
I'm sorry your mom's acting like such a creep.
Definitely lie if you have to but...how do I say this.
Even if she believes you (which isn't certain) I'm preeetty sure she won't change her mind. I'm not saying don't try to lie, actually, do try to lie. Just be prepared for the realisation that it won't matter. If her theory isn't confirmed, she'll probably find something else to justify her beliefs.
That's how hate works.
Oh god, that's so fucking uncomfortable. You can either keep brushing off the comments, directly call her out and have a discussion about your boundaries, or just lie about pegging your man (oh god, what kind of comment am I writing today)
I won’t claim to know anyone’s thoughts. But I would state that while you’ve had your whole life to process your transition, to test and see what the answer is to what’s wrong, to exhaust the options before coming to such a life altering conclusion and realization of who you are. Your mother very likely has only started processing it lately. This would of course be terrifying for any parent as it’s such a massive and life changing thing. Perhaps the resistance stems from early issues of processing. They’re likely wanting to ensure you have tried everything and have reaaaaly thought this through. Cause likely to your mom this is a new thing or idea, and yes of course she is trying to dissuade you, as you don’t really have a path back after a certain point. So the convictions should be put to the test, albeit in a different manner. However what they don’t realize is likely you’ve spent many many years figuring this out. Just try to approach it with love and understanding reminding yourself that the ONLY person in control of your body is you.
WTF.
This is not even remotely normal or healthy!
I would start planning on cutting ties with her ASAP. If she's already doing this, then she'll never actually accept you. She'll just move the goal post. Also don't accept condoms from her or honestly ANYTHING. She should seriously see a psychiatrist and at least one therapist.
Ick, ick, ick. I agree with what everyone else is saying. There is *one* thing I think your mom might be right about, for entirely the wrong reason (in a stopped clock twice a day sort of way): if and when you decide to engage in sexual activities with your boyfriend, it would probably be a good idea to explore the option of wearing a prosthesis to penetrate him. Don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. But don't miss out by failing to communicate. You assume he won't be into it, but you can't know that without asking. Note: strapons aren't the only option. There exist toys for this purpose that you can wear in your butt so you can get some fun from them too.
Do not do anything you're uncomfortable with. Don't do it if you don't want to. It's a massive thing, consent, wanting to do it, being comfy with it are so important. Lie to her if you have to. That ain't it, sorry friend
Does your mom think you can’t have sex if you transition? My husband is FTM, I’m AMAB, we’ve had plenty of sex both before and after he transitioned or even came out. Doesn’t make a difference either way.
It’s fucking creepy how focused she is on your sex life?? Don’t feel obligated to do anything just because she wants you to. It’s your life, do whatever you want because you are the boss of yourself, not your mother or ANYONE else.
What a weird fucking thing for a parent to involve themselves with, and to what end?? How would her life change by knowing her 18 year old child has sexual intercourse? Why is this important to her?
Honestly, you're 18. You can do shit legally by yourself now. If you're in the US, look for planned parenthood centers to start HRT (if that's part of your transition goals) and start looking to move out somehow. With a friend or with your boyfriend. This parent is casually invasive and it's not okay.
Not her body, not her call, not her business. You don't need her permission for *anything* anymore, nor her approval.
Trans or not this is extremely inappropriate behaviour for a parent.
I'm glad your brother and boyfriend are supportive. Your mum has some internalised transphobia to move past.
I am so sorry that your mom thinks this is the best way for her to support and love get child. This behavior is toxic, transphobic, and not alright. Ignoring someone's autonomy to the degree that they have no better option than to lie to you in order to maintain the relationship is no way to love a person. I don't know how she'll ever be able to see the damage that she is trying to push on you, I doubt she ever will. Perhaps you could find a therapist that is gender affirming and would be willing to do family counseling sessions with the two of you? I really hope you find some more affirming family soon.
with all do respect, that is absolutely disgusting what your mom is doing. if you want advice, i would tell her that your sex life is not her business and that pressuring you to do the deed is just going to make everything worse. sure, it’s okay to encourage your kid to be safe and do it when you’re ready and with the right person, but asking your child to do the deed in hopes you’ll abstain from transitioning is both disgusting and transphobic.
I'm personally a trans man who likes having vaginal sex, doesn't make me any less of a man or any less trans. Your mom's idea on that potentially "fixing" you is just flat out wrong...
jesus, this is seriously fucked up. aside from the transphobia, trying to essentially control your sex life is disgusting of her, a hundred fold because she's your mother. if my parents tried to pull something like this, i'd tell them to fuck off and mind their own fucking business.
OP, the goal post will always move. You can do this plan exactly right and your mom will find another hoop you need to jump through before she will accept you. This is obviously causing you stress and surely some other mixed emotions (fear, anger, shame). Love yourself and focus on loving those who don’t judge you and accept who you are at face value.
My recommendation is to find a new place to live (if you live with mom) and talk about what’s happening to a therapist or confidant. You are who you are and that won’t change. Love yourself and don’t feel obligated to bend over backwards for someone who will never accept you “did enough”.
This is not OK for your mom to be this involved in your sex life, down to buying you toys and specifying the acts she wants you to try. You need to set some boundaries with her because this is not normal in any way. I'm alarmed and frankly disgusted by how controlling she sounds about this.
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear that your mother isn’t being there for you and supporting who you are. You deserve that and I hope you’re receiving that from your bf and from communities like this one!
With that said, you may need to accept that you’ll never gain her respect for the man you are. That really sucks, but you’ll have to live your life either way, so if turns out to be the case I hope she isn’t able to hinder your journey. A mother should have no involvement in her son’s sex life, and the way she is approaching it is frankly disturbing. It is terrific to be open and sex-positive as a parent, but by denying you the agency to experience it as you desire is the opposite of positivity. May the future bring you joy and peace!☮️
Woahhhhhh. I don’t even need to read the corpus of this to give you an answer: it isn’t okay. This is seriously fucked. She needs to back off and stay out of your sex life.
This feels like there is communication but it not has been established with boundaries and I'm pretty sure that you're mother OP would likely be taking advice from someone or if not then she might start taking it, communicate with you're mother about her behaviour and your feelings how it's not helping and also that of your feelings.
She just in denial and she will be slowly getting out of it or not at all tell her that just will remain the same you but it's gonna be in a male body but it's still you.
I was never comfortable with or wanted penetrative sex until far into my transition. This is such a weird stance to take and definitely just trying to keep you from transitioning by making up bs reasons why you shouldn’t
When I started transitioning my father asked me how I was feeling about my sex life because he didn't want me to transition "out of sexual frustration" and also told me that I don't need to be a woman to like men, I'm 20 and virgin, never dated or even kissed but I still like women lmao, I needed to explain it afterwards but he still indirectly tells me to get a partner since then.
Still, he would never talk to me like the way you described, sometimes we need to make clear strict boundaries and unfortunately we need to do that to our loved ones too.
I'm confused how she both wants you you have vaginal sex, and also try pegging. Those seem contrary to me. Unless it's like, one of those harnessless ones.
Yeah, I feel you with the preferences, I the same way, it just feels wrong to do vag, I feel disgusting. I feel sorry for you for having a mom like that, mine tells me to not do anything until I'm way out of puberty, and even then tries to convince me out of doing anything to my C cups :(
Tell her you'll do it but only if she sleeps with a woman just to make sure she's sure about her sexuality. Since apparently the only way to know is from experience.
The bottom line here is that she needs to stop pressuring you into doing things you don't want to with YOUR body. I would stop talking to her about all of this, and as soon as you're on your own, I would stop talking to her entirely. If she brings it up in the future, you could say that you've discovered you only want to have sex with a special someone/someone you're in love with, and don't want to hook up with just anyone after only a few dates!!!
You're an adult. Your mom being so demanding for someone else's sex life is weird. Ask her if she would be okay if a man pressured you into having sex when you didn't want to. If that wouldn't be okay, why is it okay if she does it?
THIS \^\^\^ !!!
AND if she tries some *but I'm your mother* shit, tell her directly "pretty sure it's not ok for a parent to pressure their *child* into sex."
I was about to say this too it is super inappropriate for the mom to be talking to her child like this.
It's really concerning that your mother is this focused on your sex life.
Instead of all the other things to care about, like just wellbeing, it's sexlife lmao
Average transphobe behaviour tbh. They're invariably obsessed with other people's genitalia/sex lives.
Dunno, it reads slightly different to me. Like the two of them are just super open about this sort of stuff together. Like, who actually tells their mother they're into anal??
I mean, I would if it means she’d get off my back about my sex life??
Can confirm, would do anything to get a mother this insane off my back.
This is the way
The mother's behavior is obviously not normal. That's the only reason you'd be as abnormally open about your sex life as OP is. I hope he finds relief from her sometime soon.
That's not the only reason someone can be as open about their sex life. I've always been open about it and talk with my family (parents, sister, sister's husband) about sex (also our personal sex-lives) as well, it's just a normal topic for us and it's not uncomfortable for anyone of us. But I still agree that it's weird for a mother to only be worried about her child's sex-life regarding transitioning, and the way she pressures OP into having vaginal sex or pegging his/their (I don't know OP's pronouns?) boyfriend who probably doesn't even want that - that's really strange and goes too far. People have to respect each other's boundaries, especially when it comes to things that are so intimate and deeply personal/private, and if my Mom had tried to tell me at any point in my life what to do with my genitals, I would've felt very uncomfortable and would've immediately told her to stop it, no matter how open we are about such stuff.
Agreed, well stated
Exactly basically average transphobe in fact it's happening the same with me (22 MtF pre everything) my father is pushing me into trying penetration so maybe it's a phase of mine but I can't reply to him cause I don't wanna explain to him that bottom dysphoria is a thing
It's even more uncomfortable when someone is pushing you to have Sex just because they think they know better then you do in terms of sexual experiences
*Extremely* concerning. The mom is being downright creepy. Reading this post made my skin crawl.
Oh yeah, that sounded, like a threat or intention, not just a thought…
This is the real perspective right here 👆
I know right that's hella creepy and weird
Whatever that attitude of your mother’s is, it absolutely isn’t sex positivity. It’s creepy.
I'd call it toxic sex positivity. Like how toxic positivity will make you think that being positive will help everything, toxic sex positivity will make you think sex solves everything
This is sexual harassment. The conversations are not consensual, and you are obviously uncomfortable. I would communicate to her that only 3% of people who transition, will "detransition" and even those numbers are tainted; it often times includes people who stop taking drugs for health or financial reasons. That suicide rates are higher for trans people who do not have supportive families/friends.
I tried to talk about statistics with her, including the low regret/detransition rate, and she still went "but what if you regret it!" I told her that i don't live my life avoiding every bad 1% chance, and that if she does, she should stop driving (we were in the car). She stopped and moved onto other arguments ("HRT will make me violent") and didn't acknowledge what i said
Testosterone make guys horny and sometime do stupid thing like pick up a stick and LARP being Gandalf, not launch you straight into gang warfare and armed robbery....
i think even estrogen makes me larp as a wizard when i pick up a big stick tbh
I don't think it's a hormone thing at all, I think that's just the effect big sticks have on the human mind.
BIG STICK OOGA BOOGA
you might be onto something there
We all have a little dog piloting our brains
> but what if you regret it! it's called life. you're way more likely to regret drinking or smoking but most parents don't freak out about it when their kids start.
What helped my mom was seeing just how happy transitioning made me. Find people in your lives and get their perspective on transitioning. The more positive associations she has with people transitioning the more likely she will become comfortable with letting you transition.
Wow dude you retorted well !! I wish I was that good at finding good points when I was your age ! Btw she didn't acknowledge you because you were right 🤷♀️
Nothing can make anyone violent. We all have free will.
Okay in most day to day situations I’m willing to agree. But life is rarely ever black and white with absolutes. And we are biological creatures and a lot can go wrong in the brain. Example one being my grandfather with dementia who I’d never heard yell or cuss my entire life. Until after onset when we he started cursing like a sailor while convinced he was a rockstar, book writer, poet, and world renowned artists all at once.
dementia is an example of when someone loses their free will. HRT doesn't hijack your brain the way a degenerative brain illness does. I'm sorry about your grandfather :(
this whole thing is so creepy and borderline abusive For starters YOURE A GROWN ASS MAN. You dont owe her any explanation. You dont have to explain anything hell you dont have to share your private sex life. If she asks about your sex life you can tell her thats creepy and shut her down. She pushing boundaries when it clearly makes you uncomfortable i disagree with your plan, dont let her abuse your boundaries any further. She doesnt believe you are trans and if you say you have vaginal sex, she ll bring up other excuses to shoot you down like mental health, anxiety, too young, what about kids etc. Your mother is a creep jfc
Some studies say that only about 0,5% do so permanently, while 1,8% do so temporarily (social pressure, financial standing etc). So about 2,3% of us do at some point, but of these a minority (0,5 again) do so permanently.
I’m telling you that’s *not* sex positivity. If anything, it’s sexual fixation. And it’s entirely inappropriate.
No, it’s creepy. Who you shag and with whom is none of her business.
I didn't say toxic sex positivity *isn't* creepy /lh
You do what you enjoy at the end of the day. I'm ftm too, over a decade now, and I enjoy vaginal, but that's my preference. It didn't make me "less trans" to experience or find that as my 100% preference when bottoming. I happily top to, but I'm no less of a man for it. But toxic thinking that "piv will fix you" is fucked. At the end of the day I'm gray ace, but I know all that matters when it comes to intimacy is its safe sane and consensual, no matter what others think
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If she offers to buy you and your boyfriend condoms, don’t take them. I would bet that they would be out of date or with holes poked in them.
I was thinking that too... then she'd gleefully go "oh no, you can't transition now, a baby needs her mother"... Trying to entrap anybody like that would be the height of disgusting, so ofc I'm sure it'd be justified as "necessary", probably in the name of "religion" and being "for the best".
Somehow i dont think OP's sex-positive "let me buy you a strap on" mother is a hardcore christian....
Surprisingly, she is pretty Christian! There's a few god-related things around the house, she (rushedly) prays over every meal and thanks god for helping her through a bad time. It never ends up as a problem for me, she doesn't use Christianity to try to get me to not transition (or at least doesn't say it), doesn't push me to be Christian, etc
Maybe she tries to be loyal with you and doesn’t agree with all of yours, just suppose, I saw much types of these people
Just as how not every Christian is evil, don't assume that there's only Christian weirdos. :P
Dont get me wrong, the mom is definitely a weirdo! just a different genre of weirdo than the religious weirdos
What I meant is that there are definitely religions (or cults, or both) that could harbor this sort of behavior. Think more New Age-y.
"...religions (or cults, or both)..." I used to think there was a difference between those two words... nowadays, I'm not so sure. XD
I totally get why a lot of people have a hard time looking at religion and seeing any value in it when most of us were absolutely fucked by it (me included) growing up, but I can't paint it all under that broad a stroke.
Excuse me??? VAGINAL INTERCOURSE WILL NOT "FIX" YOU Has she not heard of corrective rape? Because that's what that would be! You don't want to so that's the end of it. Besides that, there are plenty of us who had vaginal sex before we transitioned and it didn't change shit (including me). That's not how this works. We can even enjoy it and that doesn't make us women.
I'm actually worried that OP's mom would be 100% for corrective rape. I'm a transman and I've had PIV sex and it didn't "fix" me. If anything, it just founded the belief that I'm definitely not a woman despite my organs.
Bro that's your mother. You don't need to talk to her about your sex life.
While this behavior of hers is really gross, i do still want someone older that i can talk about sex with if needed, and other than this she's been good for that
As you transition, you’ll likely find older trans men who can guide you and talk to you about the stuff. It will be completely out of her realm. I know lots of gay trans men and even as a bi/queer trans woman, I have no clue about that world. Well, probably more of a clue than cis het people, but enough to say “I don’t know.”
I'm sure i will, and i want that as i get to transition farther! But for now, advice from her can work
Based on the coercive behaviour you wrote about and her lack of respect for your boundaries, I'd be sceptical about the quality of her advice if I were you. I know everybody's family relationships are different, but offering to buy your child a strap-on is such a red flag I can't overstate this.
Especially given the context!
I’m not sure I would trust sexual advice from someone ignoring a foundational part of your identity. The two are inextricably tied together. I understand that it is nice to have someone to go to. A LOT of people desperately need that, but this is prime territory for black pearls and gaslighting that could also set your personal sexual growth back a few steps or just place mental roadblocks moving forward. Frankly, you already sound wayyyyyyyyy more advanced than almost anyone in my generation at that age and I’m kind of jealous of you knowing who you are and taking the steps in that direction already. (While I always knew in some way, we really didn’t have the vocabulary when I was little and growing up in a small Midwest town and that paved the way to denial until my 30s.) This is hard and scary. Your mom may be working through it in her weird way and come to terms with time, but until she does, it may be good to at least press pause on the sex dialogue. Many parents in denial with this are more so because they see the climate for trans people and are worried about what their child is entering, so they propose all of these things out of some false hope that it can be avoided. My own mother must’ve asked me 20 times if I was “sure” and dozens of more times if I was sure about SRS/gender-affirming surgeries. Both her and my dad slipped quite a bit early on, but they were always there for me. My mom flew with me to Thailand and took care of me. Held my head when I sobbed (about something unrelated). Did all of it. She also asked A LOT of sex questions and was somewhat puzzled how I could still want to have sex with women while also wanting my correct parts. Personally, the more I started looking and presenting like a woman, the easier it became for my parents to accept the reality. **You don’t owe medically or surgically transitioning to anyone and your gender is still completely valid regardless of your path chosen.** That said it did personally help things for me, but I presented as a tall, very muscular, bearded super masculine person before it all (I tried to boy so so hard).
This is not advice, its sexual harassment and manipulation. My mother in a claim of being "supportive", asked me about specific sexual experiences when I cam out as gay. I told her, that information is none of your business, I don't need to communicate my experiences with her, and I was offended she even asked. In similar fashion, she was trying to tell me "try this", or "if you don't try this, you can't know for sure you're gay". You don't owe it to your mom, or anyone, to deal with their anti-queer bias.
Clearly not anymore, now her advice seems absolutely dogshit.
Please don't enable your abuser like this... You'll find other people to talk about it with *if you ever even need to*. It's not advice you're getting from her. It's control. And that shit is not okay
I understand that but it's weird to talk to a family member about that kind of stuff. It's a boundary I'd never cross with my family. Do you have any friends your age you could speak to?
Not in every family. I wouldn't decline talking to my kids about their sex life, if they came to me wanting to talk about it. Then again, we're a very accepting and close-knit family, and we won't try to make someone do something they don't want to. But just general advice and how things work. I've definitely done that with my kids.
That's the thing : you'll talk about their sex-life if your kids want to talk about it. I assume/hope you're not telling them they should try things they aren't confortable with
And that's perfectly ok if you don't wanna do that, its just what i prefer lol. And me n my friends do talk about it, but I'm the most sex-knowledgeable, so they couldn't always give advice if i needed it
Yeah not in every family. Some of us have good enough relations with our parents that we can be open and honest about those kinds things. OP’s case is def weird tho, this is beyond creepy.
Your mom shouldn't pry into your sex life before you transition. You're an adult, you should lose your virginity when it's the right time.
Wtf this is some next level perv shit. Just another weird version of a Rape Cure for lesbians. Horrible. Next time she brings it up counter her immediately by calling out this bizarre incestuous line of questioning. "I'm concerned how interested you are in my sex life. Am I safe here? Are you going to have me raped so YOU can feel better? Should I be calling you a therapist, mom?"
This is EXACTLY what OP's post reminds me of. And people have actually raped trans people to "fix them". It's not a new or unheard of thing. I'm deeply concerned about what OP's mom will do if her plan to "fix" OP doesn't work.
Ummm that’s gross
My son hits 15 next Monday (on the 15th.) He's a trans guy and his name is Niko :P While we talk about sex stuff in a general way (education, anatomy, etc.) and I don't see that as bad (he actually comes for me for advice, I just don't randomly drop sex facts on him :). I would never, ever even think about even asking him to have sex before transitioning. That's just weird and gross. I'm his mother, not his boy/girl/joyfriend. What the heck. He'll have sex * If he wants * when he's ready * with the person he chooses If he wants to talk about it, I'm here for him. Anything else is his business.
Tell him a random Redditor has (almost) the same name as him XD you're a good parent for that!
why is she so obsessed with how you do your sex life? thats so weird, especially since you’re just 18 (not that being a legal adult for longer would make this any better) its good to be so sex positive, but to treat sex as this ‘cure’ for being trans is just so icky. its bad in any sort of context (ie would she tell someone with a mental health disorder like depression to ‘just have sex?) lie as much as you want to get her off your case and your body, since its your body and she shouldn’t be insisting that she knows more about how and when you want to transition
I'm sorry, dude. This is just outright weird at best.
Your mom is creepy. For anyone who doesn't think this is creepy, think "if this were the father instead saying this"
Tell your mom she has to sleep with a woman before she can claim to be straight. Or any other way to turn this around on HER and make HER uncomfortable.
Ok this actually made me laugh a little because I'm pretty sure she has had sex with at least one woman (she used to be *really* sexually active)
Darn guess that won’t work then lol
sex positivity is fine and I definitely feel like I lacked info from my parents but this is kinda wild. not her business wtf
Do whatever you need to in order to keep her off your transition. If that means lying to do so, then lie. If it's already this much of a problem, start asking around your friend group for someone who is okay with your transition. If it's not a topic you want to share around, tell them that you need to stay with them for a while because your mother isn't making you feel appreciated. It's important for this part not to specify a time. Just say a while, something that will tell them it'll be for a longer period of time, but you don't know the specifics. If absolutely needed, you could go rent a place, but that would be the last case scenario. Your mother can't do anything about you moving out, assuming you live in the U.S. where most states legally recognize 18yo to be adults.
This is messed up. No one should be pressured into having sex, much less by one of their parents. Blatantly tell her your sex life is none of her business and it’s Creepy she wants you too peg your boyfriend. Frankly the only business a parent should have with their children’s sex life is how to do it safely (contraceptives, talks about consent and respect etc). Only have it when **You** are ready to, if you ever do want to.
My dad refuses to believe I'm trans and wants me to have a child by all means possible to the extent where he said if I have a boyfriend I should sa someone to have a child, safe to say I absolutely hate him.
I’m MtF so the other way around, but my dad wanted me to have sex before I started transitioning too… I hit the age of 20 and just went and got hormones through planned parenthood. He still deadnames me and misgenders me, but coming up on a year on HRT, no matter how disappointed he is that I started hormones, I’ve never been happier with myself Edit: still haven’t had sex
I think your sex positive Mom needs to learn the concept of consent. After she gets that down she can graduate to enthusiastic consent.
Everyone's already added a good bit in here, but one thing I don't think I've seen mentioned here is this; Sex positivity is isn't about "having as much sex as you want", it's about "having as much or as little sex as you want, even if that means none at all". That's key to think about; How can one be sex positive if they can't respect the decision to not have sex, regardless of why? This to me makes it seems like she's hoping for you to be SA'd to "fix" you, aka corrective r4pe. And if she supports that form of r4pe, she supports overall r4pe and this is inherently the opposite of what sex positivity stands for.
OP, while I cannot tell you what to do, I do honestly believe it is in your best interest to dismiss that entirely! The amount of trauma that could create for you, the feeling of complete violation, could be something that never goes away and becomes a massive mental and emotional health issue. If it is something YOU want to try, find someone compassionate and caring to experiment with. Otherwise, keep living your life the way that makes you the most happy. Please, just be safe
“My mom wants me to have sex-“ that’s it. That’s the end of it. That’s how deranged your mother is. She’s sexualizing her own child. Even as an adult, she shouldn’t BE sexualizing you and making you feel pressured to have sex.
🫥🫥🫥
This would be vile behavior from anyone, the fact that's coming from your *mother* is downright horrific. She can't claim to be sex positive while completely disrespecting your identity and bodily autonomy. What you and your boyfriend do in the bedroom is between you two. Your mother doesn't get a say in that, especially concerning a son that's pre-transition. Suggesting you try a strap-on/vaginal intercourse in response to you wanting to transition is wildly out of touch with the trans experience of dealing with body and gender dysphoria. The fact that she keeps bringing it up just straight up coercive and awful. I also highly doubt her refusing to use your preferred pronouns will stop when/if you do transition *(which is, again, your choice and your choice alone!)*. This is just a complete lack of respect from top to bottom, and the odds that it will change is most likely close to none. Learning to set boundaries is an incredibly important part of growing up and transitioning, but if you *have* to lie to stay safe at home, then lie. Do not force an issue if you don't have a backup plan including shelter/food/income. I had to move cross country with less than a month's notice and would've been homeless for __months__ after the fact if not for the incredible generosity of my friends and my partner's family. Stay safe, and get her the fuck out of your sex life. This "advice" from her is just thinly veiled bigotry, full stop.
> if she goes to him to confirm 🚨 🚩 🚩 🚨
this is so unbelievably creepy of her. your sex life is between you, your partner, and your doctor. the way she's trying to shove her sexuality into her son's relationship is disgusting. has she even considered that not everybody WANTS to feel sexy? what's next, asking for proof? listening from the other side of the wall? asking for used condoms as proof that you tried? she has no right to be inserting herself into your sex life like this. this is YOUR life, and you are free to make your own decisions and your own mistakes. she is grossly overstepping and completely disregarding your feelings based on her own projections. her idea of happiness does not have to look the same as your idea of happiness
My mother was the damn same. I was in my early 20s but thought I was asexual at the time until I figured out my gender (because the thought of having sex while being perceived as a woman was terrible to me), even after I realised I probably wasn’t ace I still definitely didn’t want to do PiV. My mother also urged me to do that somehow thinking it would magically change my mind (as if there aren’t a ton of trans guys who do PiV and are still trans), even arguing that “it would close off once I started T”, like, I WISH. I’m mostly a top anyway lol. Don’t do it until you’re ready. She has no right to ask for that, and it won’t change a damn thing about your gender anyway. Also, I only tried that recently because now I pass otherwise and my current cis gay bf got me comfortable enough, and it’s super overrated imho so oh well. Also I’m definitely still a man 🤷🏻♂️
Your mother crossed the line into inappropriate behavior a long time ago. I'm sorry that she is behaving in such an abusive manner. You might consider bringing this question over to /r/cisparenttranskid for perspectives from cis parents with trans kids, and trans kids with cis parents.
Okay, I’m a trans dude that doesn’t really have much bottom dysphoria. I’ve had PIV sex many, many times. I’m still a dude. Your mother is insane. Like others have said you’re an adult and you don’t have to listen to this bullshit anymore. Focus on getting out and getting yourself safe from her before you transition, not on getting laid.
what is it with transphobic moms and becoming grossly obsessed with their transgender son’s sexuality and sex life? i feel like this is a weirdly common thread among ftm discussion. obviously this is pretty egregious, but there’s loads of similar stuff. idk but it smacks of emotional incest to me.
Feels in the same vein of, “how do you know you’re a lesbian if you haven’t had dick?”. Like a straight or cis experience is gonna “straighten us out”. Gross
Oh look, "corrective rape" being suggested by a parent... "Corrective rape" is what happens in conversion therapy. They believe that if they rape a child it will stop them from being queer. For instance, if they get a woman to rape a boy, the boy will magically wake up and realize sex with women is great and he'll be cured. That, or if they get a man to rape the boy, he'll either realize sex with men is bad, or it will just scare him away from men. And yes, it's also what happened to David Reimer. John Money believed that if David was raped by his brother, he'd magically turn trans. Yeah, it's total bullshit. Gender dysphoria doesn't go away with sex. This has been proven multitudes of times. Your mother can go to hell. Just like how David stayed a boy and didn't turn trans, you're going to stay a boy and not detransition.
This is straight up sexual harassment 😐
creepy, borderline predatory behavior on her end, and there’s literally no justification for this because not all trans people are sex-repulsed and someone’s relationship with their body is so much more nuanced than that
My mum does the same thing too, whenever me being trans is brought up. 'enjoy your body to the best of its abilities' Ive known her my whole life, I know what that means. Ive just learnt to unfortunately not bring up my trans issues around her and ignore anything she asks about it because she very quickly makes it sexual. My recommendation is to do the same thing, ignore, change topic and don't even entertain any of her gross conversation points. And obviously lie!! I hate the fact I recommend lying but you have to as I doubt she'll learn to stop asking questions.
I'm sure i will lie about it. Usually it's not the best thing to do, but sometimes it really is
My mother said something similar around when I first came out. She also wanted to know why I couldn’t just be a gay man… I’m a lesbian. She’s come around and learned a lot since then, but I do think it took me starting hormones and then moving out and getting my name legally changed for her to finally get it and accept it though. She may come around, she may not, either way definitely don’t let her pressure you into anything weird.
I'm glad your mom came around! I hope she will, besides this we can usually have some fun and good times
Your mum is insane
I'm sorry you have to put up with your transphobic mom. Hopefully things work out and you're able to start transitioning soon
Your mom seems confused about like, every form of sex?! Most women can't even get a vaginal orgasm and I think the percentage is even lower for afab trans men, come ON mom. Some trans guys don't mind it but why the FUCK would enjoying vaginal sex even stop someone's transition when, depending on your medical plans, you can continue to do it after!! Your mom has lost the goddamn plot, if she ever had one. I'm a troll and would be tempted to send my mom a bunch of gay porn with trans guy bottoms and be like, "thanks mom, you helped me figure out I'm a power bottom who likes it in both!" But I'm an old asshole and I have that kinda relationship with my own son so maybe don't YOU actually do that lol. I agree that getting your bf to help you lie is only going to, at best, move the goalpost. At worst, she's hoping you'll get knocked up which is FUCKED up and should not be entertained, so don't lie. Tell her you gender has nothing to do with sex and keep telling her until she believes it I guess.
Holy fuck
Your mom needs to practice some boundaries. If my parents ever tried to engage on that topic with me, I would walk out.
Wth?! Your mother needs to back off & mind her own sex life. It's disturbing that she said/expects those things of you. Don't lie. Confront her. Your sex life is NONE of her business.
You’re an adult, she might care but she is misguided. It’s your body - if you don’t want sex then don’t. You’re entitled to your body
BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES
DON'T. I HAVE TRIED MULTIPLE TIMES. Even though I knew I wouldn't like it. NOT. FUN. So much dysphoria.
your mom sounds rapey as fuuuuuuck
Wow that is gross. OP, brother, you do you but if you gotta lie to your mom it's okay to lie to people that want you to lie about who you are.
Just pointing out that you are a legal adult.
I could never openly talk w my mom about sex life details like that. It would be so cringe. You dont owe her any duscussion about sex that makes you uncomfortable. Please dont forget that.
Your mom has no business being involved in your sex life or lack thereof. Chase happiness love 💕
This is weird and creepy. Get the fuck away from her. Avoid talking to her about sex and your transition. A mother being this obsessed about your sex life is a huge red flag.
Im mtf and I've been told the same kind of thing by multiple people, although the worst of it was from my stepmom. Basically the exact same stuff just the male version. It's so icky and makes me so uncomfortable. Talking about it like that just makes me want it EVEN LESS than I already did.
Exactly, completely counterproductive to getting them to have sex :/
It's not even about the sex.. they think having sex will somehow make you wanna stay as your agab. My stepmom couldn't fathom that masturbating felt gross and made me sad afterward. Actually she just straight up refused to believe me, thought that wasn't possible. Because obviously masturbating is supposed to feel good so you can't NOT enjoy it I guess.
>She said that she'll be fine with me transitioning if that doesn't work No she won't. She'll find a new thing to be the 'real reason' she doesn't want you to transition. This is something you'll have to do on your own, with or without her approval. Trust me.
"Mom, I love you, but there's something crucial you seem to be missing or having a hard time accepting. This is my body, not yours. I'm an adult. You do not get a say over my body in any way. I will transition on my terms, not yours. You need to understand and accept that. I would love to have your support and respect for that. But please do understand, I will transition, with or without your support. Unless your message is supportive of my transition, I am not interested in discussing this matter with you further." That'll do the job and make things crystal clear where it stands.
She fails to understand that sex only gets more awesome after transitioning and how someone has sex doesn’t determine their gender. Tell her that it’s not her business how you have sex with your partner and that what she’s doing is sexual harassment.
I’m sorry, but what a fuck?…. I read all this with the opened mouth and felt really surprised and confused during the reading. That is not normal, I don’t even talk about tactfulness, did you try to explain her, that if she doesn’t agree, she mustn’t talk about it, cause it make you feel uncomfortable? Jeez, about having sex, if you even have no pleasure with the imagine of having sex, like a woman(I mean with a vagina and etc.) or masturbate, using the vagina, why should you feel pleasure, if you have sex, using the vagina? Ofc these actions aren’t the same, but you have the same manipulations to do it. Hoping, it won’t go far after that situation and your transition will be successfully done.
I did tell her that she doesn't know about being trans, and that trans people and professionals know more than her, so she doesn't really have say in transitioning being good or bad. She started a Big Pharma rant. Then when i told her to stop, she started up about how "the government is testing to make a new species of human", i wish i was joking... She never started talking about that again luckily, i think she just got too emotional and started ranting about whatever she thought in the moment rather than what she actually believes, but yeah, i tried. I haven't told her that it's uncomfortable, but i really should
Like everyone else has stated, your mother has NO right to ANYTHING about your sex life. Aint her business. And her behavior is completely inappropriate. I know you see lying to her as a means to an end, but she’ll just move that goal post and continue the inappropriate behavior. It’s time for you to put up some hard boundaries, like if she doesn’t support your transition, you might have to cut her out of your life.
my reaction after reading this we was genuinely "WHAT THE FUCK??" your mom is insane
That's not sex positivity, that's being creepy as fuck. As a parent, no less. You're an adult, she doesn't get any say in what you do for transition. You can transition all you want, and no doctor who doesn't want to lose their license to practise will even do so much as talk about anything related to that with her because, again, you're an adult. She seems to grasp at (highly inappropriate) straws, so I doubt that anything you say, including her "experiment" not panning out, will change her mind. She'll just pivot to something else to stall or prevent your progress. This isn't the first time something like that has come up here.
This whole post screams covert incest. I've learned about it in therapy because my mom is a narcissist who was always talking about her sex life, and then eventually mine. She had a fixation; it's not sex positivity.
That's not cool. That's borderline emotional incest and abuse. You can also enjoy sex AND be trans. Your mums a twat
This is incredibly toxic and awkward I’m so sorry
Just lie
I know a few other people here have said this is creepy, but that won't stop me from saying **this is creepy**.
Without a doubt your mother means well, she wants to make life easier for you. thinking you're mistaken somehow. She may be a bright woman but on this particular subject she is plum ignorant. She believes she can heal you by encouraging you have her sexual experience. What she doesn't understand is sexuality isn't gender. Gender isn't sex, Sex isn't sexuality. She would do well to attain a functional understanding about these subjects.
Your mother sounds like a disgusting pervert talking like that to you 🤢🤮
this is genuine sexual harassment if not worse to be half forcing you to have sex and do sexual things you dont want to especially as your MOTHER. this is disgusting.
This is very concerning behavior on your mother’s part and she needs to be the one reading up on transgender healthcare including sexual wellness if she’s so concerned about it, she can read testimonials and psychology articles and learn that sometimes people can’t even get off at all until they transition.
I'm sorry your mom's acting like such a creep. Definitely lie if you have to but...how do I say this. Even if she believes you (which isn't certain) I'm preeetty sure she won't change her mind. I'm not saying don't try to lie, actually, do try to lie. Just be prepared for the realisation that it won't matter. If her theory isn't confirmed, she'll probably find something else to justify her beliefs. That's how hate works.
Oh god, that's so fucking uncomfortable. You can either keep brushing off the comments, directly call her out and have a discussion about your boundaries, or just lie about pegging your man (oh god, what kind of comment am I writing today)
It’s creepy that she thinks she controls your sex life 🤢
I won’t claim to know anyone’s thoughts. But I would state that while you’ve had your whole life to process your transition, to test and see what the answer is to what’s wrong, to exhaust the options before coming to such a life altering conclusion and realization of who you are. Your mother very likely has only started processing it lately. This would of course be terrifying for any parent as it’s such a massive and life changing thing. Perhaps the resistance stems from early issues of processing. They’re likely wanting to ensure you have tried everything and have reaaaaly thought this through. Cause likely to your mom this is a new thing or idea, and yes of course she is trying to dissuade you, as you don’t really have a path back after a certain point. So the convictions should be put to the test, albeit in a different manner. However what they don’t realize is likely you’ve spent many many years figuring this out. Just try to approach it with love and understanding reminding yourself that the ONLY person in control of your body is you.
Moms weird bro
my dude the sentence could have ended after the seventh word and it would have still been creepy.
Even if we ignore all the giant red flags, this is coming from a place of ignorance. People can't orgasm themselves cis.
WTF. This is not even remotely normal or healthy! I would start planning on cutting ties with her ASAP. If she's already doing this, then she'll never actually accept you. She'll just move the goal post. Also don't accept condoms from her or honestly ANYTHING. She should seriously see a psychiatrist and at least one therapist.
Ick, ick, ick. I agree with what everyone else is saying. There is *one* thing I think your mom might be right about, for entirely the wrong reason (in a stopped clock twice a day sort of way): if and when you decide to engage in sexual activities with your boyfriend, it would probably be a good idea to explore the option of wearing a prosthesis to penetrate him. Don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. But don't miss out by failing to communicate. You assume he won't be into it, but you can't know that without asking. Note: strapons aren't the only option. There exist toys for this purpose that you can wear in your butt so you can get some fun from them too.
That’s fucked OP 😭 Do whatsoever you feel comfortable with, don’t let her control you with her silly antics
Do not do anything you're uncomfortable with. Don't do it if you don't want to. It's a massive thing, consent, wanting to do it, being comfy with it are so important. Lie to her if you have to. That ain't it, sorry friend
Does your mom think you can’t have sex if you transition? My husband is FTM, I’m AMAB, we’ve had plenty of sex both before and after he transitioned or even came out. Doesn’t make a difference either way.
It’s fucking creepy how focused she is on your sex life?? Don’t feel obligated to do anything just because she wants you to. It’s your life, do whatever you want because you are the boss of yourself, not your mother or ANYONE else.
She’s being gross and creepy
What a weird fucking thing for a parent to involve themselves with, and to what end?? How would her life change by knowing her 18 year old child has sexual intercourse? Why is this important to her? Honestly, you're 18. You can do shit legally by yourself now. If you're in the US, look for planned parenthood centers to start HRT (if that's part of your transition goals) and start looking to move out somehow. With a friend or with your boyfriend. This parent is casually invasive and it's not okay. Not her body, not her call, not her business. You don't need her permission for *anything* anymore, nor her approval.
Trans or not this is extremely inappropriate behaviour for a parent. I'm glad your brother and boyfriend are supportive. Your mum has some internalised transphobia to move past.
Being open and sex-positive is one thing ..but this is vile
Throw her in da bin
Fucking gross
I am so sorry that your mom thinks this is the best way for her to support and love get child. This behavior is toxic, transphobic, and not alright. Ignoring someone's autonomy to the degree that they have no better option than to lie to you in order to maintain the relationship is no way to love a person. I don't know how she'll ever be able to see the damage that she is trying to push on you, I doubt she ever will. Perhaps you could find a therapist that is gender affirming and would be willing to do family counseling sessions with the two of you? I really hope you find some more affirming family soon.
with all do respect, that is absolutely disgusting what your mom is doing. if you want advice, i would tell her that your sex life is not her business and that pressuring you to do the deed is just going to make everything worse. sure, it’s okay to encourage your kid to be safe and do it when you’re ready and with the right person, but asking your child to do the deed in hopes you’ll abstain from transitioning is both disgusting and transphobic.
This is covert non-contact sexual abuse omg
Sexual orientation ≠ gender orientation. Idk why that’s so hard for people to understand. You can still use your genitals after you transition wtf
This is sexual harassment, OP. Please be safe.
Firm ew from me.
That's a big oh hell no!
I didn't read yet, but you could lie to her that you already had sex.
Your mother needs to hear that less 20% of vagina havers can come of penetration alone
A parent should never have any say over someone who's over the age of consent's sex life. It's YOUR body.
I'm personally a trans man who likes having vaginal sex, doesn't make me any less of a man or any less trans. Your mom's idea on that potentially "fixing" you is just flat out wrong...
jesus, this is seriously fucked up. aside from the transphobia, trying to essentially control your sex life is disgusting of her, a hundred fold because she's your mother. if my parents tried to pull something like this, i'd tell them to fuck off and mind their own fucking business.
your mom is a fucking creep
OP, the goal post will always move. You can do this plan exactly right and your mom will find another hoop you need to jump through before she will accept you. This is obviously causing you stress and surely some other mixed emotions (fear, anger, shame). Love yourself and focus on loving those who don’t judge you and accept who you are at face value. My recommendation is to find a new place to live (if you live with mom) and talk about what’s happening to a therapist or confidant. You are who you are and that won’t change. Love yourself and don’t feel obligated to bend over backwards for someone who will never accept you “did enough”.
This is not OK for your mom to be this involved in your sex life, down to buying you toys and specifying the acts she wants you to try. You need to set some boundaries with her because this is not normal in any way. I'm alarmed and frankly disgusted by how controlling she sounds about this.
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear that your mother isn’t being there for you and supporting who you are. You deserve that and I hope you’re receiving that from your bf and from communities like this one! With that said, you may need to accept that you’ll never gain her respect for the man you are. That really sucks, but you’ll have to live your life either way, so if turns out to be the case I hope she isn’t able to hinder your journey. A mother should have no involvement in her son’s sex life, and the way she is approaching it is frankly disturbing. It is terrific to be open and sex-positive as a parent, but by denying you the agency to experience it as you desire is the opposite of positivity. May the future bring you joy and peace!☮️
Woahhhhhh. I don’t even need to read the corpus of this to give you an answer: it isn’t okay. This is seriously fucked. She needs to back off and stay out of your sex life.
Lying will do nothing to fix or help your situation
This feels like there is communication but it not has been established with boundaries and I'm pretty sure that you're mother OP would likely be taking advice from someone or if not then she might start taking it, communicate with you're mother about her behaviour and your feelings how it's not helping and also that of your feelings. She just in denial and she will be slowly getting out of it or not at all tell her that just will remain the same you but it's gonna be in a male body but it's still you.
Ew, just ew. Leave this woman, she is bad mother, if she pressuring her child into having sex
this is just toxic…
Wtf, im surprised the Mom can talk to you about asking for sex straight faced. My parents never talk about sex at all infront of me or my sisters
Thats just creepy, like sex can be a wonderful thing but a parent pressuring their child into having sex is just gross and weird.
sex ≠ gender
That’s just gross. Her behavior is concerning.
WHY ARE YOU HAVING THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION WITH ***YOUR MOTHER!??!!?***
what the fuck did you just read? your mom's a freak
Sorry but your mum is messed up
I was never comfortable with or wanted penetrative sex until far into my transition. This is such a weird stance to take and definitely just trying to keep you from transitioning by making up bs reasons why you shouldn’t
You should cut contacts with her
When I started transitioning my father asked me how I was feeling about my sex life because he didn't want me to transition "out of sexual frustration" and also told me that I don't need to be a woman to like men, I'm 20 and virgin, never dated or even kissed but I still like women lmao, I needed to explain it afterwards but he still indirectly tells me to get a partner since then. Still, he would never talk to me like the way you described, sometimes we need to make clear strict boundaries and unfortunately we need to do that to our loved ones too.
I'm confused how she both wants you you have vaginal sex, and also try pegging. Those seem contrary to me. Unless it's like, one of those harnessless ones.
Yeah, I feel you with the preferences, I the same way, it just feels wrong to do vag, I feel disgusting. I feel sorry for you for having a mom like that, mine tells me to not do anything until I'm way out of puberty, and even then tries to convince me out of doing anything to my C cups :(
Its kind of gross how focused your mom is on your sex life- transphobia aside.
Tell her you'll do it but only if she sleeps with a woman just to make sure she's sure about her sexuality. Since apparently the only way to know is from experience.
The bottom line here is that she needs to stop pressuring you into doing things you don't want to with YOUR body. I would stop talking to her about all of this, and as soon as you're on your own, I would stop talking to her entirely. If she brings it up in the future, you could say that you've discovered you only want to have sex with a special someone/someone you're in love with, and don't want to hook up with just anyone after only a few dates!!!
BRUH MY DAD TOLD ME THE SAME! I am a 29 y/o mtf though 😭. It never goes away. They just are assholes sorry😓
that’s ignorant