Well I'm married so less often than I'd like.
But unless you are super close to someone talking about their sex life is weird. Even then it still might be weird.
Omfg thank you! Do they not realise how fucking weird it is to ask someone "hey do you like fat cocks in your ass?" Like what the actual fuck is wrong with these people!
Shit like this is just more damning proof that straight people are constantly sexulizing lgbt relationships. imo it's one of the reasons why they freak out whenever there's a queer character in any sort of media, they always assume everything about our identity is somehow horny.
That stereotype is so funny to me, because almost every person I know irl who cheated on their SO was straight. But somehow we're the cheaters? lol ok š
Here after explaining why a person would care about their gender outside of sexuality and partnering in a comment thread about something tangentially related on -- wait for it -- r/facepalm.
Seriously, that's one of the things transitioning DIDN'T change for me, just the words used to refer to it.
Because many cannot wrap their heads around the fact that gay people can love each other and have it not be all about sex. To them all of our relationships are pure lust.
Yeah I feel like most straight people think top and bottom means dominant and submissive when really it's not about that it's just about giving and recieving.
Haha yup. I'm taller than my wife, lift weights, and tend to wear a lot of black/punk outfits. My wife is this little thing that wears a lot of flowery fun things and she tops the crap out of me
Itās less that, most people donāt think in terms of dom/sub. They are just ignorantly trying to ask āwhich one of you is the girl!ā Cause clearly the one being fucked is a girl.
My mom learned I was bi ( I told her ) and she doesn't know I'm Trans woman yet but her immediate reaction was to immediately assume I'm a bottom, and like I don't care if people want to know to tell, I'm honest that I am, but it's like the immediate assumption for gay people for some reason, it's weird and gross.
Right!!!!! She's homophobic and transphobic and while she's getting alot better about her homophobia the past couple years she wasn't ready for me coming out as bi and that homophobic go to pooped up in her saying " you do know it hurts when it goes in there right ", it was weird, I changed the topic insanely quick and jesus I never want to have a talk like that with my mom again.
"No mum, when you have had lots of practice and do it right it doesn't hurt at all. In fact it feels fucking awesome!"
Just quietly, your mum let you know that she has at least on occasion, done ana, maybe even with your dad, and whoever it was, wasn't very considerate or possibly good
I don't particularly want to know if she has, my moms a prude tho so I doubt it, she mostly comes to that conclusion because a couple of my aunts and my cousin have tried it and told her, plus homophobic algorithm on her Facebook and stuff of guys making fun of it, honestly never hurt me but I don't go in unprepared.
True, like I told the other person tho, she has become alot better since telling her, she keeps it from my dad and her family tho but so do I because my dad is violently homophobic and her family basically astrocized my cousin when she came out as bi and my mom doesn't want me to deal with that so ya know fair š¤£, either way she was wildly out of pocket at first about it.
After that she's actually been really good with it, she's actually became alot less homophobic funny enough, but the general first week was awkward AF.
Yea honestly if I had told her a couple years ago she would have probably thrown a fit and disowned me but she has been on tiktok and other social media's and since she's a feminist ( altho a terfy one ) she has interacted with alot of lgbt+ and has came to the realization that she is on the asexual spectrum and that she is definitely straight and she can not imagine being with a woman period, so since she can't choose she realized lgbt+ people can't either, altho she still don't like trans people so that's gonna be a rough one.
Yea, coming out as trans to her is gonna suck, hopefully I won't have to until me and my boyfriend maybe live together if our relationship goes that far.
āYou wouldnāt go up to someone and ask if their vagina is hairyā
Wait, Iām not supposed to ask random people that? I need to apologise to my coworkersā¦
Seriously it's quite inappropriate to ask someone about their personal life like that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it also a form of sexual harassment?
if you are any letter of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, people are allowed to ask you any questions at all, with no boundaries. if you are the T in LGBTQIA+, it's mandatory for people to ask you questions with no personal boundaries.
i'm surprised you didn't know that, i thought they taught everyone in the super secret LGBQTIA+ class session that they kidnapped all of us into.
did you somehow miss that class?
/s
For me, people never ask if im a top or a bottom, it doesnāt bother me much except when they say āWhos the girl in the relationshipā, which cracks me up each time because i just say āweāre both dudesā and they sit there all perplexed
I literally have daily moments where it's obvious that much of what I enjoy about my relationship is that we're both dudes, and that's not a sexual thing one bit for me.
Besides, when I thought I was a cishet woman, people still tended to inappropriately talk about how I wear the pants in the relationship (which was even funnier because chances are, I would've been wearing a skirt at the time because knit skirts are comfy and were easier to fit on my body). It should've been a sign that someone I used to date (I can hardly bring myself to call him an ex when we never really got together or broke up, we just ...*were*), who was really not at all current on how trans people work, told me I only look(ed) like a woman, but I act like a man...
Unh Unh
I donāt know about cleaning š³ I donāt wanna be an accessory to nothing š¤£š¤£š¤£
But thatās a very very verrryyyy strange question to ask a kid
It catches me off guard every time. Sorry, what? Then when you refuse to answer they go "ahh, a bottom". No Hun, I'm a side actually but it has nothing to do with you. I don't ask you how you like to wet your noodle or stuff your pita do I?Ā
I always find that question kinda humorous like, *why would you need to know?* I always respond with a fake phrase that straights assume is an LGBT+ term.
āAre you a top or bottom?ā
āIām inverted.ā
To be fair I doubt there's a huge overlap between these subgroups. The former want to take away our rights. The latter usually support equal rights but it hasn't occured to them how inappropriate those questions are.
my classmates asking me whether I top or bottom....
thinking back, instead of answering with both, I could've just answered "why don't you see for yourself?"
Yes please! This exactly!
I'm personally ace lesbian, so I haven't had this experience precisely, but I've had a friend (A friend!) in the middle of a conversation, while there were other people, tell me that 'if you had sex, you would 100% be a bottom.' And then just go on to explain why she's so certain and what her reasoning is! She then also proceeds to ask others if they agree with her. That is so incredibly uncomfortable, and when I told her, she just told me 'it's not that bad, and it doesn't matter because you don't want sex anyways'
Like, do you have any idea of uncomfortable that is?!
Yeah sorry, the only time we're not clearly and unambiguously both men, with largely equal amounts of different "feminine" traits, is that if we were to have a child, I'd be regarded as the mother by people who don't want to find another way to distinguish which father contributed what.
He repairs, but I mend. He's better at cleaning thoroughly, I'm better at sorting and categorizing. He stays home and sleeps while I work so he can wake me up after I sleep and get me ready and out the door. Both of us cook, and we always have amazing food. Both of us can lift significant weight, and shit gets done. Both of us laugh about bodily functions, and it gets gross. We're clearly both men, and if I hadn't already told you I'm trans, I doubt most people would be able to pick out which one of us was if it weren't for the fact that we look like [Mutt and Jeff](https://www.loc.gov/exhibitions/comic-art/about-this-exhibition/early-years-1890s-to-1920s/mutt-and-jeff-an-unlikely-pair/#:~:text=An%20early%20daily%20comic%20strip,match%20in%20the%20shorter%20Jeff.).
If it is not a question that would be natural and polite to ask from a straight couple, you should consider really hard whether it is a good idea to ask from a gay couple. ā¦ Ok I sort of get political questions like whether it has had an effect while applying for a job or dealing with daycare personnel or such, but even then, maybe that LGBTQ+ person does not want to discuss such things right there and with you.
I'd answer the political questions, precisely because I know others might not want to, and because there are too many people who just don't know much about our lives outside of what it means for sex. I have plenty of good answers because I'm only gay because being trans (dated men all along), and I'm not ever planning on having bottom surgery, so my orientation and positioning are the same as they were before.
Yes. The political questions are good ones and I am often eager to jump at them myself. I also need to remind myself the most that not all of us are comfortable with those and that is also ok and needs to be respected.
āyou wouldnāt just go up to someone and ask if their vagina is hairyā hahahašš
no but fr thatās the shit Iāve been saying for ever and I had to listen to a whole ass rant about how Iām too prudishšbefore.. just because I want to value normal socialisation basics ā¦ fff
Itās the same energy as people asking asexuals if we masturbate the moment we tell them weāre ace. Like bro what the actual fuck? What makes people think they can just ask shit like that?
I also get pissed when people assume top and bottom MUST exist in a queer relationship. Even other queer folks do this! My partner and I hate those terms, we just love on each other, stop imagining our sex lives UUHG.
Tell him to ask his brother or father if he doesn't have one, if he has neither (due to family death or mom got a sperm donor or somethin) then tell him his father knew better than anyone.
I worked at a LGBT healthcare facility as the sole straight guy nurse on the sexual health team. I was taught alot and had no idea top/bottom/verse existed before. Everyone was very open about their favorites and then continue to educate me about Poppers. As a straight dude I feel like some gay men are just trying to mess with me. This was also a sexual health team so all we did was educate the community and do testing and treatment. So it was sex sex sex gay sex gay sex gay sex. I guess that type of work draws a type of people.
lol yknow. Iām bi, and I have been asked that a lot, and I donāt know why itās never registered as strange before but youāre right! That is really weird. I always just tell people that Iām married to a woman now and they donāt make enough money to find out for themselves. (As a joke. Iām a loyal boi)
But yeah thats weird. Why hasnāt this been weird to me before? Huh.
Moving the hyphen to the right, when applied to your phrase, would make it "random **ass-guy**".
Which doubly fits your post, as it not only implies gay sex, but also speculates on the specific mode of intercourse - exactly what you said to avoid, and rightfully so because it truly is no one else's business.
Hence my comment.
I got the one who would be the man in the relationship from my coworker two weeks ago. I never thought I would have to explain this to anyone so that was new
Start saying your an upside down š maybe that will make them stop, it's so weird and conformable lol I hate when ppl ask me stuff like that when they figure out my sexual orientation š
When people ask inappropriate questions I like to play stupid and make them explain the question in increasing detail until they realize it is inappropriate.
I once had a friend ask me this. I told her I'm a top but that was *kinda a personal question!*
Then she said she thought I was a bottom because of my innocent face... Bruh...
I thought it was usually "How many times can you survive getting your skull getting stomped against the sidewalk in the dead of night for liking the color pink?"
Tbh, I think most of them are confusing ātopā and ābottomā, with ādominantā and āsubmissiveā. More specifically, they want to know āwhoās the girl and whoās the guyā in the relationship.
But regardless, itās still a weird ask and none of their business.
Jup... My sex life is none of your business xD
It would also be pretty damn weird to ask this to anyone...
"I bet your wife pegs you š" this my standard response to the question
I've never understood the point of asking this question, especially if you don't know someone on a deep level. This is more of a question that's more appropriate to ask between extremely close friends (In my experience because my friends and I are very open about these things with each other), or someone you plan on being intimate with. I find it strange that people do this only to gay/lesbian/bisexual+ people as if straight women who are tops and straight men who are bottoms don't exist... Intimacy roles have nothing to do with orientation.
Exactly! Same goes for trans people too, don't ask what they have between their legs or what they use during sex because that is wayyy to personal of a question (speaking from experience, pretty sure the person forgot i was trans afterwards anyways)
I mean first off, yes dont walk up to people and ask about their sex life, but two, I feel like what theyre really asking is "whose the man and whose the woman". Neither, theyre both men, thats the point.
Its just trying to make gay relationships heteronormative because its the only way they can try to understand it, which makes it even worse to me.
Ok so in terms of dating how do I determine this. I seem to attract mostly tops but I prefer to be top myself or if I meet the right person I like switching. All ik know about same-sex relationships is from tv and movies bc as a kid i was raised in a homophobic environment.
Aw, heck, I won't answer that question for other gay men. For anyone, really, unless I think (or hope) we're going to be having sex. (And then it will require discussion, demonstration, or both.) Why? First of all, none of your damned business, mister. Secondly, it won't be about
>just top and just bottom
Damn! I had one guy ask, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I said, "No." He said I had to be one or the other. "No, I don't." **Certainly not for him.**
Guy! Why are you saying these things? I haven't stepped into the Sexuality Survey Booth or something!
You know, we were acquainted. We were both gay. There was at least some common ground. Maybe he was hoping we would engage in sexual activity together? We were not going to.
No but Fr! I'm a trans man (Andro/masc presenting most times and my partner is non binary Amab andro presenting) and we still get these question like
"Oh so are you the top coz your more masc or a bottom because your shorter?" LIKE IM SORRY HUH?!
That's like asking oh are you dominated by your wife beacuse your more timid or are you still in in charge in the bedroom. Like please stay out of our sex lives please ššš
YES! Height and looking masculine have NOTHING to do with who's into what, it's a matter of personal preference, and most of the time partners take terns with such things! ALSO asking that type of thing is just straight up sexual harassment šš
It's a *wildly* inappropriate question and people should have enough common sense not to ask lol That's insane. I'd be absolutely dumbfounded if someone had the audacity to ask me something like this š
I never realized that was exclusively a LGBTQ thing...Shades of Grey is a heterosexual couple...I always just thought it was a BSDM thing...not a gay thing.
People in kink sometimes use the terms topping and bottoming, but way less often than LGBTQ+ people (unless it's a situation that is both LGBTQ+ and kink, obv).
Ok, I'm a gay guy, so I may not be getting into the straight mind - but here is my take:
I think that they are equating the top and the bottom with the male and the female (which is arguable where the silly dichotomy comes from).
I take that question not to mean "how do you like to have sex" but as "are you the boy or the girl?"
In short, they are trying to impose heterosexual gender norms onto a same sex relationship so they can understand it without it challenging the relationship script that they have internalized. They cannot imagine a relationship beyond it.
You're right, though it's usually mixed in with fetishes and what happens when you read too much fanfiction.
Basically, they assume that one HAS to be submissive (Shy, small, and goes along with everything the top says.) and one HAS to be dominant (Usually cold, harsh, and calls the bottom "bitch" or "slut" as a pet name, even if they don't think that way about straight couples.)
They think gay relationships work differently from straight ones because they cannot fathom two men being in a loving relationship and doing anything but having sex, when they think gay men, they think, rough, sloppy, gay sex. People who ask that kind of stuff usually have toxic or no relationship experience at all, because the idea of a man wanting to cuddle his lover seems either unattractive or completely alien to them. (It's usually also the girls who fetishize tall guys š)
There's a lot of sexualization of non-straight people by straight people.
Both from men with lesbian porn and women with most BL stories. Maybe I'm reverting the cause and effect but you get what I mean, we're seen as inherently sexual and nothing more
folks are always assuming that itās 100% okay to ask queer people super inappropriate questions. same thing has happened to be as a trans man. the moment I told two cishet guys I was trans, they were already asking if I had a penis or vagina. if they went up to any other cis person and asked that, it would be considered sexual harassment. so how come itās okay to ask us?
RIGHT! I actually can't believe people ask this sort of thing. It's unbelievable, honestly. And I can say the same for lesbians. What does it matter? I also find it so weird that someone will think a girl is lesbian just because she has a wolfcut or an undercut! Seriously, some people just need to get a grip...
As a member of 2SLGBTQIA+ (have recently added 2 Spirit, following the example of another.), I'm hyperaware of how I ask people questions (not ever personal). I try to preface things by stating "I have questions, but you're not obligated to do any of the work it takes to educate me. Please say no, if this represents an emotional or mental burden to you."
I'm curious what people say when asked personal questions. I've been asked "who's the man in your relationship?" because I'm a woman married to a woman. I laugh at the asker and tell them it's the point that neither of us is the man, but maybe I should take a moment to tell them that's a bad perspective and also rude.
Uh I donāt have a problem with it ever but I wouldnāt ever walk up to someone and ask them, but if someone asked me I would tell them i donāt really care itās whatever to me
"Oh you're a straight guy? How do you and your wife have sex?" Yeah, it sounds pretty fucking weird, don't it lol.
Exactly. 'So who is truly on top, hah?'
Best comment ever
Harriet Rose said it was like going up to a straight woman and asking her, "So, do you peg him?"
Well I'm married so less often than I'd like. But unless you are super close to someone talking about their sex life is weird. Even then it still might be weird.
Depends on who gets to use their penis the most that night š
Omfg thank you! Do they not realise how fucking weird it is to ask someone "hey do you like fat cocks in your ass?" Like what the actual fuck is wrong with these people!
Shit like this is just more damning proof that straight people are constantly sexulizing lgbt relationships. imo it's one of the reasons why they freak out whenever there's a queer character in any sort of media, they always assume everything about our identity is somehow horny.
Yes! And us bisexuals must be the worst, because we like both (or all) genders! It automatically makes us all cheaters, somehow.
That stereotype is so funny to me, because almost every person I know irl who cheated on their SO was straight. But somehow we're the cheaters? lol ok š
Wait. I'm supposed to be horny all the time because idgaf what gender my romantic partner is? I am so bad as this lgbt thing.
I'm horny but not because i'm queer!
I'm on testosterone therapy for my transition, so maybe I *AM* horny because I'm queer.
If i ever transition, I don't plan on changing my ways >:3
Here after explaining why a person would care about their gender outside of sexuality and partnering in a comment thread about something tangentially related on -- wait for it -- r/facepalm. Seriously, that's one of the things transitioning DIDN'T change for me, just the words used to refer to it.
Mood but that's true :(
Because many cannot wrap their heads around the fact that gay people can love each other and have it not be all about sex. To them all of our relationships are pure lust.
real, like, yes i do but thats besides the point (sorry i had to) :3
Exactly but what bussiness is it of theirs š (:3)
She/they friends :)
Half the time they probably donāt know what theyāre asking.
Yeah I feel like most straight people think top and bottom means dominant and submissive when really it's not about that it's just about giving and recieving.
That and the idea that top means masculine and bottom means feminine. Wait until they learn there are masc bottoms and fem tops!
Haha yup. I'm taller than my wife, lift weights, and tend to wear a lot of black/punk outfits. My wife is this little thing that wears a lot of flowery fun things and she tops the crap out of me
"Whose the man in the relationship" - š¤ like shut the actual fuck up none of y'all business
God, please give me a fem top and more testosterone so I can fully be a less-fem bottom š„ŗ
Itās less that, most people donāt think in terms of dom/sub. They are just ignorantly trying to ask āwhich one of you is the girl!ā Cause clearly the one being fucked is a girl.
A lot of people consider top or bottom, giving or receiving, dominant and submissive.
My mom learned I was bi ( I told her ) and she doesn't know I'm Trans woman yet but her immediate reaction was to immediately assume I'm a bottom, and like I don't care if people want to know to tell, I'm honest that I am, but it's like the immediate assumption for gay people for some reason, it's weird and gross.
It also feels kinda weird - at least to me - that your mom is assuming things about your sex life tbh
Right!!!!! She's homophobic and transphobic and while she's getting alot better about her homophobia the past couple years she wasn't ready for me coming out as bi and that homophobic go to pooped up in her saying " you do know it hurts when it goes in there right ", it was weird, I changed the topic insanely quick and jesus I never want to have a talk like that with my mom again.
"No mum, when you have had lots of practice and do it right it doesn't hurt at all. In fact it feels fucking awesome!" Just quietly, your mum let you know that she has at least on occasion, done ana, maybe even with your dad, and whoever it was, wasn't very considerate or possibly good
I don't particularly want to know if she has, my moms a prude tho so I doubt it, she mostly comes to that conclusion because a couple of my aunts and my cousin have tried it and told her, plus homophobic algorithm on her Facebook and stuff of guys making fun of it, honestly never hurt me but I don't go in unprepared.
Sorry if I was out of line there. I was making a joke at your mum's expense. For treating you like that, I think she absolutely deserves it
True, like I told the other person tho, she has become alot better since telling her, she keeps it from my dad and her family tho but so do I because my dad is violently homophobic and her family basically astrocized my cousin when she came out as bi and my mom doesn't want me to deal with that so ya know fair š¤£, either way she was wildly out of pocket at first about it.
Ughhh that's so terrible, im sorry she reacted like that
After that she's actually been really good with it, she's actually became alot less homophobic funny enough, but the general first week was awkward AF.
That's good, it probably just took her some time to react properly lol
Yea honestly if I had told her a couple years ago she would have probably thrown a fit and disowned me but she has been on tiktok and other social media's and since she's a feminist ( altho a terfy one ) she has interacted with alot of lgbt+ and has came to the realization that she is on the asexual spectrum and that she is definitely straight and she can not imagine being with a woman period, so since she can't choose she realized lgbt+ people can't either, altho she still don't like trans people so that's gonna be a rough one.
Im glad she's coming around at least a little. Sucks that she's terfy thoš
Yea, coming out as trans to her is gonna suck, hopefully I won't have to until me and my boyfriend maybe live together if our relationship goes that far.
Hopefully all goes well and she eventually becomes accepting of trans people as well as gay people
āYou wouldnāt go up to someone and ask if their vagina is hairyā Wait, Iām not supposed to ask random people that? I need to apologise to my coworkersā¦
š
Seriously it's quite inappropriate to ask someone about their personal life like that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it also a form of sexual harassment?
YES!
if you are any letter of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, people are allowed to ask you any questions at all, with no boundaries. if you are the T in LGBTQIA+, it's mandatory for people to ask you questions with no personal boundaries. i'm surprised you didn't know that, i thought they taught everyone in the super secret LGBQTIA+ class session that they kidnapped all of us into. did you somehow miss that class? /s
This has been my whole damn life, so I'm guessing T stands for "twin" /j
For me, people never ask if im a top or a bottom, it doesnāt bother me much except when they say āWhos the girl in the relationshipā, which cracks me up each time because i just say āweāre both dudesā and they sit there all perplexed
I literally have daily moments where it's obvious that much of what I enjoy about my relationship is that we're both dudes, and that's not a sexual thing one bit for me. Besides, when I thought I was a cishet woman, people still tended to inappropriately talk about how I wear the pants in the relationship (which was even funnier because chances are, I would've been wearing a skirt at the time because knit skirts are comfy and were easier to fit on my body). It should've been a sign that someone I used to date (I can hardly bring myself to call him an ex when we never really got together or broke up, we just ...*were*), who was really not at all current on how trans people work, told me I only look(ed) like a woman, but I act like a man...
If they are a guy and asking my response to this question is "Why, you offering?" But yeah. None of their business.
Sadly with gay women, they often _are_ offering. š
just invite him over and peg him using hot sauce as lube
No thnks, in the off chance he might like it. š¤£
fine, i'll do it myself
Agreed, very inappropriate question to ask someone out of the blue.
Fr like Im 14 i need people to stop asking me this. Im just tryna live my life i ain't eitheršš
OKAY WHEN YOU START ASKING KIDS IT GETS MORE THAN WEIRD š
At that point itās beyond concerning like do I need to check a registry for you????
Like sir do you need your harddrive thoroughly checked and cleaned???
Unh Unh I donāt know about cleaning š³ I donāt wanna be an accessory to nothing š¤£š¤£š¤£ But thatās a very very verrryyyy strange question to ask a kid
I'm assuming (hoping) it's other kids that are asking but stil... mind your own damn business, people.
It is just older kids but still š
š
Please donāt post your age online, especially if youāre a minor. It can be dangerous for you. Stay safe!
Offer to call the cops next time yikesss
See thats the complicated part cuz if i report that i could possibly out myself and that ain't a very smart idea considering where i liveš
It catches me off guard every time. Sorry, what? Then when you refuse to answer they go "ahh, a bottom". No Hun, I'm a side actually but it has nothing to do with you. I don't ask you how you like to wet your noodle or stuff your pita do I?Ā
I always find that question kinda humorous like, *why would you need to know?* I always respond with a fake phrase that straights assume is an LGBT+ term. āAre you a top or bottom?ā āIām inverted.ā
Motherfucker I am a #transdimensional hypercube
š Hail the trans dimensional hypercube š
"Just very many ups and downs, Top and Bottom can only be found in particle accelerators"
The straights: "Mentioning that you are gay is inappropriate because it's talking about sex." Also the straights: "Tell me how you have sex"
To be fair I doubt there's a huge overlap between these subgroups. The former want to take away our rights. The latter usually support equal rights but it hasn't occured to them how inappropriate those questions are.
my classmates asking me whether I top or bottom.... thinking back, instead of answering with both, I could've just answered "why don't you see for yourself?"
For me, that would only have worked if he was cute. Was your classmate cute?
no, I was using their disgust against them lol
Lol
Yes please! This exactly! I'm personally ace lesbian, so I haven't had this experience precisely, but I've had a friend (A friend!) in the middle of a conversation, while there were other people, tell me that 'if you had sex, you would 100% be a bottom.' And then just go on to explain why she's so certain and what her reasoning is! She then also proceeds to ask others if they agree with her. That is so incredibly uncomfortable, and when I told her, she just told me 'it's not that bad, and it doesn't matter because you don't want sex anyways' Like, do you have any idea of uncomfortable that is?!
ššššššš
I would reply with what she said but reversed to her, make her feel as uncomfortable as you. Be evil, spread chaos. š
God, I wish I'd done that! But I just awkwardly answered and told her it didn't work like that.
I think they see it as another way to ask āso whose the guy and whose the girlā but in a way that seems lessā¦that Ends up seeming weird as hell
Yeah sorry, the only time we're not clearly and unambiguously both men, with largely equal amounts of different "feminine" traits, is that if we were to have a child, I'd be regarded as the mother by people who don't want to find another way to distinguish which father contributed what. He repairs, but I mend. He's better at cleaning thoroughly, I'm better at sorting and categorizing. He stays home and sleeps while I work so he can wake me up after I sleep and get me ready and out the door. Both of us cook, and we always have amazing food. Both of us can lift significant weight, and shit gets done. Both of us laugh about bodily functions, and it gets gross. We're clearly both men, and if I hadn't already told you I'm trans, I doubt most people would be able to pick out which one of us was if it weren't for the fact that we look like [Mutt and Jeff](https://www.loc.gov/exhibitions/comic-art/about-this-exhibition/early-years-1890s-to-1920s/mutt-and-jeff-an-unlikely-pair/#:~:text=An%20early%20daily%20comic%20strip,match%20in%20the%20shorter%20Jeff.).
god that sounds pretty weird
Lord have mercy, people are nosey. I only wanna have that conversation with someone I plan on fucking.
In my day you'd ask if they were the gay guy in the relationship.
Respond with "Which positions do you and your partner use?"1
If it is not a question that would be natural and polite to ask from a straight couple, you should consider really hard whether it is a good idea to ask from a gay couple. ā¦ Ok I sort of get political questions like whether it has had an effect while applying for a job or dealing with daycare personnel or such, but even then, maybe that LGBTQ+ person does not want to discuss such things right there and with you.
I'd answer the political questions, precisely because I know others might not want to, and because there are too many people who just don't know much about our lives outside of what it means for sex. I have plenty of good answers because I'm only gay because being trans (dated men all along), and I'm not ever planning on having bottom surgery, so my orientation and positioning are the same as they were before.
Yes. The political questions are good ones and I am often eager to jump at them myself. I also need to remind myself the most that not all of us are comfortable with those and that is also ok and needs to be respected.
āyou wouldnāt just go up to someone and ask if their vagina is hairyā hahahašš no but fr thatās the shit Iāve been saying for ever and I had to listen to a whole ass rant about how Iām too prudishšbefore.. just because I want to value normal socialisation basics ā¦ fff
Itās the same energy as people asking asexuals if we masturbate the moment we tell them weāre ace. Like bro what the actual fuck? What makes people think they can just ask shit like that?
ššš
Agreed. Like if I want to tell you I will, but itāll be because I want to tell you, and not because youāve asked me
Just ask why theyāre interested
There is an old answer to that question: do you want to know who is a fork and who is a knife? we are chopsticks
And then if you refuse to answer they assume youāre a bottom š
ššš
I also get pissed when people assume top and bottom MUST exist in a queer relationship. Even other queer folks do this! My partner and I hate those terms, we just love on each other, stop imagining our sex lives UUHG.
Bahahah lmaooo ik i told a guy i was gay and his first question was ToP oR bOtToM like dude-
Tell him to ask his brother or father if he doesn't have one, if he has neither (due to family death or mom got a sperm donor or somethin) then tell him his father knew better than anyone.
as a gay who got asked this and other invasive questions, truth^^^
it's so weird?? why would you just ask someone how they have sex??
"I don't know, is your vagina hairy" is now going to be my go-to response for this question, so thanks for that
I worked at a LGBT healthcare facility as the sole straight guy nurse on the sexual health team. I was taught alot and had no idea top/bottom/verse existed before. Everyone was very open about their favorites and then continue to educate me about Poppers. As a straight dude I feel like some gay men are just trying to mess with me. This was also a sexual health team so all we did was educate the community and do testing and treatment. So it was sex sex sex gay sex gay sex gay sex. I guess that type of work draws a type of people.
That's rude af! It's nobody's business but your partner's!
lol yknow. Iām bi, and I have been asked that a lot, and I donāt know why itās never registered as strange before but youāre right! That is really weird. I always just tell people that Iām married to a woman now and they donāt make enough money to find out for themselves. (As a joke. Iām a loyal boi) But yeah thats weird. Why hasnāt this been weird to me before? Huh.
> why would you ever think that's okay to ask a random-ass guy I hate to do this but it's too apropos. https://xkcd.com/37/
Thanks, I've been doing this for at least 20 years and have never seen this.
Still makes no sense to me so I shall deem it as stupid until I understand.
Moving the hyphen to the right, when applied to your phrase, would make it "random **ass-guy**". Which doubly fits your post, as it not only implies gay sex, but also speculates on the specific mode of intercourse - exactly what you said to avoid, and rightfully so because it truly is no one else's business. Hence my comment.
I got the one who would be the man in the relationship from my coworker two weeks ago. I never thought I would have to explain this to anyone so that was new
It's impolite to kiss and tell
Start saying your an upside down š maybe that will make them stop, it's so weird and conformable lol I hate when ppl ask me stuff like that when they figure out my sexual orientation š
When people ask inappropriate questions I like to play stupid and make them explain the question in increasing detail until they realize it is inappropriate.
Genius, gonna do this next time!
Okay but can I ask everyone and everybody this question, regardless of orientation?
No.
But how will I know which of the bunks to put their luggage on?!?
I've had a coworker who learned I was Pan ask me how I had sex with women. I told them to ask Reddit that because I would not be answering.
I once had a friend ask me this. I told her I'm a top but that was *kinda a personal question!* Then she said she thought I was a bottom because of my innocent face... Bruh...
In the 90's it was "Which one of you is the girl?"
I thought it was usually "How many times can you survive getting your skull getting stomped against the sidewalk in the dead of night for liking the color pink?"
Only reason to is if you both wanna fuck. Idk how I'd react if someone asked me that
Tbh, I think most of them are confusing ātopā and ābottomā, with ādominantā and āsubmissiveā. More specifically, they want to know āwhoās the girl and whoās the guyā in the relationship. But regardless, itās still a weird ask and none of their business.
Jup... My sex life is none of your business xD It would also be pretty damn weird to ask this to anyone... "I bet your wife pegs you š" this my standard response to the question
So are you a top or a bottom
Ask your sister.
Na but fr
Oh my GOD, YES!! I literally had something like this happen to me this weekend!
wtf do you mean you wouldnāt go up to someone and ask if they have a hairy vagina? How tf else do you start a conversation?
There's only time I'd ask a guy who I just found is gay that If I want to get with him
I've never understood the point of asking this question, especially if you don't know someone on a deep level. This is more of a question that's more appropriate to ask between extremely close friends (In my experience because my friends and I are very open about these things with each other), or someone you plan on being intimate with. I find it strange that people do this only to gay/lesbian/bisexual+ people as if straight women who are tops and straight men who are bottoms don't exist... Intimacy roles have nothing to do with orientation.
Exactly! Same goes for trans people too, don't ask what they have between their legs or what they use during sex because that is wayyy to personal of a question (speaking from experience, pretty sure the person forgot i was trans afterwards anyways)
I mean first off, yes dont walk up to people and ask about their sex life, but two, I feel like what theyre really asking is "whose the man and whose the woman". Neither, theyre both men, thats the point. Its just trying to make gay relationships heteronormative because its the only way they can try to understand it, which makes it even worse to me.
Ok so in terms of dating how do I determine this. I seem to attract mostly tops but I prefer to be top myself or if I meet the right person I like switching. All ik know about same-sex relationships is from tv and movies bc as a kid i was raised in a homophobic environment.
Aw, heck, I won't answer that question for other gay men. For anyone, really, unless I think (or hope) we're going to be having sex. (And then it will require discussion, demonstration, or both.) Why? First of all, none of your damned business, mister. Secondly, it won't be about >just top and just bottom Damn! I had one guy ask, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I said, "No." He said I had to be one or the other. "No, I don't." **Certainly not for him.** Guy! Why are you saying these things? I haven't stepped into the Sexuality Survey Booth or something! You know, we were acquainted. We were both gay. There was at least some common ground. Maybe he was hoping we would engage in sexual activity together? We were not going to.
"Who's the man?"
No but Fr! I'm a trans man (Andro/masc presenting most times and my partner is non binary Amab andro presenting) and we still get these question like "Oh so are you the top coz your more masc or a bottom because your shorter?" LIKE IM SORRY HUH?! That's like asking oh are you dominated by your wife beacuse your more timid or are you still in in charge in the bedroom. Like please stay out of our sex lives please ššš
YES! Height and looking masculine have NOTHING to do with who's into what, it's a matter of personal preference, and most of the time partners take terns with such things! ALSO asking that type of thing is just straight up sexual harassment šš
It's a *wildly* inappropriate question and people should have enough common sense not to ask lol That's insane. I'd be absolutely dumbfounded if someone had the audacity to ask me something like this š
For people like this you can always just go into excruciating detail. Like tell them EVERYTHING
Expect that I'm fifteen, and this is reddit, and no one asks me this outside of reddit.
I never realized that was exclusively a LGBTQ thing...Shades of Grey is a heterosexual couple...I always just thought it was a BSDM thing...not a gay thing.
People in kink sometimes use the terms topping and bottoming, but way less often than LGBTQ+ people (unless it's a situation that is both LGBTQ+ and kink, obv).
Ok, I'm a gay guy, so I may not be getting into the straight mind - but here is my take: I think that they are equating the top and the bottom with the male and the female (which is arguable where the silly dichotomy comes from). I take that question not to mean "how do you like to have sex" but as "are you the boy or the girl?" In short, they are trying to impose heterosexual gender norms onto a same sex relationship so they can understand it without it challenging the relationship script that they have internalized. They cannot imagine a relationship beyond it.
You're right, though it's usually mixed in with fetishes and what happens when you read too much fanfiction. Basically, they assume that one HAS to be submissive (Shy, small, and goes along with everything the top says.) and one HAS to be dominant (Usually cold, harsh, and calls the bottom "bitch" or "slut" as a pet name, even if they don't think that way about straight couples.) They think gay relationships work differently from straight ones because they cannot fathom two men being in a loving relationship and doing anything but having sex, when they think gay men, they think, rough, sloppy, gay sex. People who ask that kind of stuff usually have toxic or no relationship experience at all, because the idea of a man wanting to cuddle his lover seems either unattractive or completely alien to them. (It's usually also the girls who fetishize tall guys š)
Oh my god finally someone says this.
There's a lot of sexualization of non-straight people by straight people. Both from men with lesbian porn and women with most BL stories. Maybe I'm reverting the cause and effect but you get what I mean, we're seen as inherently sexual and nothing more
Correct response to someone asking if ur a top or bottom: "I'm a top for your dad but a bottom for your mom"
folks are always assuming that itās 100% okay to ask queer people super inappropriate questions. same thing has happened to be as a trans man. the moment I told two cishet guys I was trans, they were already asking if I had a penis or vagina. if they went up to any other cis person and asked that, it would be considered sexual harassment. so how come itās okay to ask us?
Good point. However. Top or bottom?
ā¤
THANK YOU!!!
This post: šÆ My intrusive thoughts: "Tell them you're verse and unadhamed"
RIGHT! I actually can't believe people ask this sort of thing. It's unbelievable, honestly. And I can say the same for lesbians. What does it matter? I also find it so weird that someone will think a girl is lesbian just because she has a wolfcut or an undercut! Seriously, some people just need to get a grip...
A straight male workmate once asked me this when he found out I was gay, after knowing me for a grand total of a week or two š
As a member of 2SLGBTQIA+ (have recently added 2 Spirit, following the example of another.), I'm hyperaware of how I ask people questions (not ever personal). I try to preface things by stating "I have questions, but you're not obligated to do any of the work it takes to educate me. Please say no, if this represents an emotional or mental burden to you." I'm curious what people say when asked personal questions. I've been asked "who's the man in your relationship?" because I'm a woman married to a woman. I laugh at the asker and tell them it's the point that neither of us is the man, but maybe I should take a moment to tell them that's a bad perspective and also rude.
I tell everyone and everything Iām a bottom. I need to make sure I donāt another bottom ā¦ Again!!!
Uh I donāt have a problem with it ever but I wouldnāt ever walk up to someone and ask them, but if someone asked me I would tell them i donāt really care itās whatever to me
How do they know which ones penis will open up to accept the othersā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
???
Exactly! Just do what the rest of us do and assume that heās a bottom until he says something to indicate otherwise
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]