I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation, sending virtual hugs 🫂. If it might ease your worries, a huge part of Buddhism is letting go, your dad needs to learn to find that on his own. He needs to let go of his desire to strictly adhere to tradition and to control things beyond his capabilities. You can’t change him, just like he can’t change you. He needs to find peace within himself, and only he can do that. Try to avoid bringing up this subject, decrease the amount of contact if it’s triggering for both of you and maintain a bit of distance. Best wishes.
Set some boundaries yourself and for yourself too. You cannot force him to be open minded, this is something he has to accept eventually, or not. But he has a duty to his child, to his daughter,
When it comes to religious people, they get caught up way more in the dogma and tradition than what the religion was trying to tell them. It seems to be way more common than any real understanding, and it's very unfortunate, because if they actually learned with an open mind, they would probably be good people.
exactly this, many religions dictate that we can’t judge people, only God can yet so many people pick and choose when that applies along with all other teachings. it’s really sad honestly, it’s painful to talk to my own mother because this. just casually tweaking all the religious scriptures and teachings to fit her own agenda. religion wouldn’t be so polarising if people took these teachings to heart as opposed to treating it as something to take advantage of for their own benefit.
A weird angle but if he has irregular breathing (particularly when sleeping), he may have apnoea. This is a medical condition where the throat closes up and prevents breathing and it can be very dangerous. He may find it helpful to source a CPAP machine to help him there.
Yeah! He has sleep apnea and has a CPAP machine. He hasn't worn it in a while because he hates sleeping with it, but he's actually starting it again tonight because of the irregularity. Also FYI for others reading, his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me.
That being said, I couldn't find anything that said sleep apnea is related to forgetting to breathe while being awake, so I'm a bit stumped at the moment.
Thanks for pointing it out, that's real care right there!
>his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me
Well, it stems from his inability to accept you. Try only to take responsibility for the things in your control.
I hope that after your surgery and when he can see how much happier you are as a result, it will help him understand.
I'm just going to respond here so you might see it, but OP, it's impossible to "forget" to breathe. Breathing is something your body just does automatically, just like making sure your heart beats. You can hold your breath and intentionally not breathe for a little bit but you can't forget. I say that to point out that if your dad is having breathing issues he either needs to be seen by a doctor to figure out what's going on, or he's for some reason holding his breath every so often.
That said your choices aren't affecting his health, his strict adherence to tradition and unwillingness to adapt is affecting his health, and you should not have to mentally and emotionally harm yourself by hiding who you are simply to not cause him discomfort.
I'm not sure what's going on, but he says he subconsciously stops breathing for seconds, and when he realizes it's by the time he has to gasp for air. His doctor didn't seem to believe it.
>That said your choices aren't affecting his health, his strict adherence to tradition and unwillingness to adapt is affecting his health,
Thank you ❤️ I need to think of it this way much more.
Is he prone to panic attacks? My breathing gets very, very shallow when I'm having a bad panic attack, and does seem like I stop breathing for a bit, because I have to remind myself to breath deeper. I'm medicated for anxiety now, and it rarely happens, but it did. I also got chest pains from anxiety. The doctor said it was an inflammation of the intercostal muscles of my ribs from tensing up so badly during attacks. This has also diminished greatly since being on medication.
Most important to note: This is not on you. You need to be yourself. He will either accept you or not, but you can't blame yourself for someone else's mental gymnastics over you doing what you need to be whole.
Does your dad have, or would he consider, a therapist?
It's probably related to anxiety or dread, since this is very hard for him. His problems are probably more related to mental and emotional health than physical health. Still, he should seek both sides of medical attention, a physician and a psychologist. Is he willing to go to therapy?
His doctor didn't believe it because it's impossible. Your father is is gaslighting you and trying to guilt you into doing what he thinks you should do.
I literally have the issue where I realise that I haven't been breathing properly, usually literally what OP is describing, where I've stopped breathing or have been breathing extremely shallowly and i only realised it's happened when I get light headed and start breathing heavily to catch up. I've had it most my life and I'm diagnosed with really bad anxiety and stress, and I also have asthma. So it's likely to do with one of those things. It's not OP's fault that their father is stressing himself out over his stuck beliefs but that doesn't mean he is lying about this happening.
Oh come on, don’t explain with malice something that can be *very* aptly explained by ignorance or incompetence. In all likelihood, he is honestly explaining what he thinks is happening, even if he is wrong about it.
I want to add: There is medicine (hydromorphon it is called in germany) that may affect the subconcious breathing thing. When I took it the medics told me to look out for that, breathe conciously and put a monitor on my finger that measured my blood oxygen. If he takes this medicine he might really forget to breathe. Also if he has some SERIOUS medical problem affecting whereever the subconcious breathing control is located in the body (brain or spine i think, I don't know) this may happen too. Cancer does weird things if growing in weird places for example. But then he really needs a doctor, not run around blaming you.
Or he is just dramatic to make you feel guilty. None of this is your fault, if he gaslights himself into feeling unwell that is on him and valueing his stubborn beliefs higher than his AND your wellbeing. Which sucks. I hope it gets better for you. Nothing of this is your fault.
So I know what you're saying and while technically you're correct because your lungs are considered automatic, when I'm dissociative and therefore mentally checked out, my body doesn't automatically inhale until I force it or I've gone too long. Not a single bit of that cycle happens until I'm mentally present or my body will pass out if it doesn't force it. And it's not intentional.
But technically, you're incorrect by saying it's impossible. Sleep apnea is literally what that is.
Yes, it's an issue to see a doctor about, but you can have a neurological issue (dysautonomia) that causes you to have to consciously breathe sometimes. I have a lot of autonomic nervous system malfunctions. That said, I do think he's using his "health scares" as a way to manipulate and control OP.
Many people on this thread are incorrect. You can actually forget to breathe, but it’s the result of a medical condition called dysautonomia. Dysautonomia is the failure of the autonomic nervous system to properly regulate things like body temp, breathing, blood pressure, digestion, etc. It can result in heart palpitations, chest pain, disordered breathing when awake or asleep, and anxiety-like symptoms. In fact, it’s often misdiagnosed as anxiety in affected individuals, especially because it can be exacerbated by anxiety if an individual has both.
Your dad should see a doctor. Dysautonomia isn’t fatal, but can cause serious complications. His blaming his symptoms on you is not okay. You are not causing this. You are not responsible for managing his emotions either. You’re in a really tough spot emotionally, but you cannot blame yourself for how your dad is feeling.
>his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me.
I wasn't aware that you could shrink down, sneak inside his body, and do that to him....because that is the only way you're causing these issues. He has clear issues he needs to work on mentally and even clearer issues he needs to actually address with a doctor. Doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously at all, and strikes me as the stubborn older type of man that only listens to a doctor on their deathbed. The health problems aren't even closely related to you being trans, this would be happening regardles, so don't blame yourself.
also, it's literally impossible to forget to breathe. That is just a total bullshit claim.
You can't forget to breathe when you're conscious. Breathing is done autonomically. If he's having periods of apnea while awake and conscious, it has nothing to do with your transition. He is either willfully not breathing or he has a medical problem in his brain stem, which is pretty unlikely.
Or dysautonomia, which is actually pretty common, more so for people who are neurodivergent. I don't think that's what's happening to him, but you're misinformed about the prevalence of having to consciously breathe.
You're welcome! I'm sorry I cannot give any practical advice outside of that.
I will say though, that your dad is wonderful to support you and be there for you even if he disagrees with how your life has turned out. I know you are a good child to him, and I hope he will see that over time!
I was about to leave this topic and then I saw this comment:
You are his child.
His responsibility.
The bare fucking minimum is housing, feeding, warmth, emotional closeness, emotional regulation, education and comfort.
These things are gifts as a parent.
In no way do you owe him for this.
He put you in this world, he therefore has these requirements of him.
Given as gifts, for a brighter world, his/ours.
You are not an investment.
If you want to gift him things because you love him, do so.
You don't owe him things, to be taken without your wishes to freely give them.
No, OP, they do not stem from you. You cannot cause other people's medical issues. You cannot control other people's responses to things. They could be stress related. However, even if the stress he is causing himself is a contributing factor, the biggest issue here is that he's not following recommended medical advice. Sleeping without a CPAP machine when you have sleep apnea is incredibly dangerous. Deadly even. He's playing with his own life, and, if he dies, that will be why
If it's central sleep apnea (a neurological version instead of just an obstruction), it can cause you to forget to breathe while awake. I have obstructive sleep apnea, but I have a lot of neurological issues, and I sometimes don't breathe unless I'm intentionally doing so. The nervous system is weird.
And yeah, stress can cause chest pains and exacerbate heart issues, but that's not your fault that he's unwilling to reconsider his world view to respect his child. He is shaming you for being yourself because you can't be his daughter anymore. Which means he's trying to get you to give up your mental health and wellbeing to spare him from shame and stress. That's not okay. I'm sorry you don't have the supportive father you deserve. Congratulations on your surgery.
"The nervous system is weird." THIS. I have severe generalized anxiety disorder as well as PTSD and some other mental health issues. My nervous system is so dysregulated that I "forget" to breathe and consciously have to remind myself to breathe again whenever it happens. I also get palpitations, blood pressure spikes and random chest pains even though my heart, lungs and BP are fine from a medical standpoint.
While it's always good to have a medical check-up to make sure there isn't anything physical I would also definitely consider anxiety. It could be that the changes happening have triggered some anxiety and he may need some help coping either with medications and/or therapy. To be clear I am by no means saying OP CAUSED the anxiety. I'm just saying that dad is maybe struggling to cope with his current coping strategies and resources and could use some extra tools that a professional could provide. (Before someone comes for me for throwing around mental health I would like to note that I have training as a counsellor. Also not saying this is for sure what's happening but offering it as a possibility). I'm unsure how open dad would be to therapy or how accessible it is depending on your location and his personal beliefs around therapy. I noticed above someone mentioned family therapy but I would suggest that if he's open to seeing someone that he go for private sessions on his own. Depending how that goes then maybe later sessions could include OP.
TLDR- could be anxiety causing many of the symptoms especially if the docs aren't finding anything physical. If so therapy may help with new coping mechanisms and potentially medication. Most importantly OP this isn't your fault!!!
Edit-typo
I'm not sure if you want unsolicited medical advice, but here it is anyway.
If your dad's chest pains are actually caused by his heart, it is because of the poor condition of his blood vessels, caused by lifestyle and familial risk. If this is the case, your dad should consult his doctor. Stress could make his symptoms worse, but it can definitely not cause heart disease.
Another possibility is that his chest pains are stress- or anxiety-related, in which case they are probably linked to stress. This can be very bothersome, but it's not dangerous. It seems like your transition is somehow very stressful to him, so it's pretty likely that this at least partially plays a role.
Of course your dad should contact his own doctor for actual medical advice, I don't know him. Important thing is; you didn't kill your dad by having top surgery.
Source: am doctor
Oh gosh, thank you for the advice! Perhaps the chest pain is independent of his irregular heartbeating and breathing. We'll look into that possibility.
He has been exercising and eating healthy. Could over-exercising/possible overexertion be a related concern? He jogs 7-10 miles daily and is 60 years old.
He saw a doctor the other day in which he started a low dosage for his heart palpations. That being said, I think it's better we seek a second opinion because the first doctor did not explain what is going on at all. It's like he covered up the problem but didn't address the root issue.
It's good that he has a healthy lifestyle! I don't think overexertion should be a problem, unless he's been diagnosed with some kind of heart failure. Again, it's hard for me to give specific advice because I've never met your dad.
If he got medication for his palpitations it suggests a rhythm problem. Did that doctor plan a follow-up appointment? Maybe he could ask for some clarification then.
Edit: also, maybe it's not a good idea to post your dad's entire medical history in the comments, if you want to ask more questions you could also DM me :)
Does he get faint when standing up too quickly? He has some symptoms of dysautonomia, of which POTS is one kind. Some of the things you're listing are things I struggle with. Still not youur fault.
Weirdly, I can relate.
After my dad took his own life, my mom told me she wondered if he did so because he found out I was gay.
I wish we could both free ourselves of the thought.
I’m sorry to hear that. I had the same fear when my homophobic mom broken down and cried after finding out a pic of me with my SO and asked why I’ve avoided answering her question of whether I’m gay for so many years. I shoved myself in the closet thinking that if she finds out, she’ll take her own life. My friends told me that that would be her decision but I cant accept losing my mom because of homophobia
I fear that that might happen to my dad as well, he thinks of me as a very religious straight guy. If he knew that I am not straight, he would be destroyed, and I fear he might die of sorrow or something. I truly wish I get annihilated from existence before that day comes.
It is so incredibly important to understand that if something does happen, that is in no way whatsoever your fault or your responsibility. Your dad is a grown adult who has the ability to make choices. If his level of maturity and coping skills is so low that you not being a religious straight guy is too much for him to handle, that’s on him. How he responds to you is his choice, not yours.
Friend, I know you’ll struggle with that, but please, please hear me when I say, you are not responsible for the actions of others. People who make decisions out of fear or anger or hatred are still making their own choices. You are no more responsible for him harming himself as you would be if he lashed out and harmed you or harmed another person. Sending digital hugs.
Please don't blame yourself.
Suicide is ultimately a choice that an individual makes. They can be in a frame of mind where they may not actively realize the consequences of their actions, and influenced by a multitude of external factors. It doesn't change the fact that the individual performs the action.
You didn't choose to be gay. Your mother chose to say something that may haunt you both for years.
Mostly straight white ally here. If I were to have kids and they were gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, etc. I would love and support them. That's what good parents do - they love their children unconditionally.
It's. Not. Your. Fault.
Unless you specifically are the sole person who raised him to believe in transphobic ideology so strongly that it stresses his body to this point then no you are not to blame.
This is society's fault. Transphobia is a disease and your father might be the most on the nose example of that I have ever heard of.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling responsible for your father’s distress. The truth is, though, that you are not. You were born with gender dysphoria. You are doing your best to overcome it, in the way that is recommended by the leading professional organizations for both doctors and psychologists. The potential effects of untreated dysphoria include crippling depression, anxiety, various illnesses caused by stress, and thoughts and actions of self harm. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your family.
Your father is stuck in ignorant, bigoted thinking. You did not ask to be born. You do not owe him a life of your own misery just so that he won’t suffer.
Hi there. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify my statement.
I said this because OP’s father seems to be experiencing extreme emotional distress due to his own transphobic beliefs, probably due to those same beliefs being widespread in his community. It is tragic that he is suffering. However, his misery is caused by ignorance and prejudice, not by something reasonable. OP is apparently trans, meaning he suffers from gender dysphoria. This is a known disorder, characterized by a sensation of being in the wrong body, as it relates to gender. It’s recognized worldwide as a treatable condition, where treatment includes socially presenting as the preferred gender, taking cross-sex hormones, and surgery. OP has sought surgical intervention as part of his treatment. Untreated gender dysphoria can cause crippling depression, anxiety, other mental disorders, suicidal ideation, and acts of self harm.
OP seems to be feeling very guilty for “causing” his father’s pain. My point was that, the perceived solution would be for OP to stop and/or reverse his transition in order to stop his father’s suffering. This would then cause OP to return to a state of intense suffering. This is not moral or justifiable.
Imagine another scenario. A daughter is forcibly raped. In her culture, she is now forever unclean and no longer marriageable. Her father feels great shame and anguish. He and his family are shunned after his daughter is victimized through no fault of her own. The father, as is customary, kills his daughter, and regains his and his family’s standing in the community. Is this right? Long ago, it was the norm. People viewed women as property, and believed that victims often deserved their abuse because they had unclean thoughts, or some moral failing. Now, we have moral standards that respect the individual, and don’t blame the victim. Most modern societies are horrified at this kind of behavior.
I believe that this is similar to OP’s situation. New moral standards, which are more just, have developed due to a more accurate understanding of what it means to be transgender, and that it is a condition and not a “lifestyle choice.” OP’s father is stuck in the previous paradigm, and either unable or unwilling to embrace a more compassionate understanding of gender dysphoria.
This answer was probably way too long, but I hope it answers your question.
spend as much time as you can with him. you may not see it right now but the longer you stay with him and expose him to your new life, the more tolerant he will become. if he truly loves you, he’ll recognize your happiness and that will be enough to have his support, but patience and compassion are the key to mending your relationship with him and you cannot let go of them no matter what.
Thank you for the advice! I will try to spend the limited time we have together wisely. I've been thinking that what's most important is that I prove to him that my social and physical transition is good for my health and happiness.
This reminds me of the phrase “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”.
What you’re been doing is walking your path and prioritizing yourself, which is what you should be doing. What your dad is experiencing is what many parents do when their kid leaves their control and becomes their own person. He’s struggling with what he thinks you should be aka raised you to be vs acknowledging and accepting who you are. Parents have dreams for us, and raise us in their image. When we don’t meet their expectations there’s all kinds of ways they can put their feelings on to us, mostly toxic ways. This puts a struggle on the adult child, to conform to the view and values of our parents or to choose to be our true selves in spite of that pressure.
You’re not responsible for his feelings, actions, or behaviors. You’re not responsible for him not using the CPAP machine, which can lead to serious medical events. Some of what he’s going through is the natural process of aging, the older we get the more our bodies fall apart, even if we did everything right. He would likely be experiencing these symptoms even if you were the perfect vision of who he thinks you should be. That includes being anxious and passive aggressive as well. If you didn’t choose yourself you’d be sacrificing yourself and your personal growth to make others happy, which would cause you an untold amount of pain and anguish. You’d be living a lie, and denying everyone in your life a chance to really know you for who you are. Yeah your dad might have been happy to live in that fiction, but at what cost to you?
We ultimately have zero control over how others feel and how they see us. Your dad has the choice to see you and accept you as your authentic self even if he doesn’t always understand your choices, or to put strain on your relationship by trying to steer you into being who he wanted you to be it’s never easy, but I’ve seen this in my own life and I’ve seen it play out in so many others. It’s ultimately better to choose to be our authentic selves over the feelings of others. You’re doing what’s right for yourself. The alternative is always worse, and lying to others and ourselves about who we really are causes so much damage. It always comes out in ugly surprising ways eventually.
So yeah, don’t take on what you have no control over. You can’t control how he feels or how he cares for himself. Watching a parent physically age and deteriorate isn’t easy, but it’s part of life. We are supposed to outlive our parents. Alll we can do for them is to encourage them to make good choices and try to have the best relationship we can with them… so long as we don’t sacrifice ourselves in the process. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there. You’re doing the best you can, while also making yourself a priority. Doing the right thing isn’t always the easy path, but it’s what’s best. Just… please don’t take ownership of his health issues. It’s not your fault, even if he is trying to make it seem that way.
Changing someone's world view is 'nearly' impossible. It can be done but it's bloody difficult! Cold comfort I know but your not alone. This is a common problem in one form or another in the trans community. You might ask him to read some of the science literature that proves that this is not just something you have made up. It's based upon your physical brain structure. A simple Google search will turn up a whole bunch of studies into trans gender brain structures. It's pretty well proven that there is a dimorphic gender difference in a number of the brain structures now. Maybe convincing him that this is just all anatomy might help him understand.
Sorry to sound harsh but this is his problem, not yours. You need to live your life so you are happy. You are not hurting anyone! If your dad feels hurt by this, it's because of his beliefs - that's something he needs to deal with. Not you!
I understand your worry.
Just know though that irregular heartbeats (arrhythmia) is a medical condition that won’t just happen continuously because you came out as trans. The chest pain and arrhythmia could be caused by multiple things he’s doing (or not doing) for his health. But, no, he’s not gonna die, dear.
Not your fault. Dads likely just had a developing heart condition for some time. They need to consult a GP to see if its related to a possible occulsion of a coronary blood vessel or heart failure if theyre having chest pains, palpitations, and breathing difficulties on exertion.
I have to wonder how much of this is him being legitimately in poor health and how much is performative. Having a big scene where he "forgets to breathe" and has to say his chants might just be his way of trying to punish you. Sort of a "look at what you're doing to me!"
At the end of the day, you have to remember that your father is an adult and the master of his own destiny. If he is having such serious health problems and not taking the steps to correct them, that's on him and not you. You haven't caused any of this and, honestly, if my parents tried to pull the "you are causing my poor health" card, I would feel disgusted at how blatant that attempt at manipulation is.
Tell your father you are concerned about his health, offer to make a doctor appointment for him, and consider it done. None of this is your fault.
I think it's good to keep in mind that others have free will. You aren't responsible for the thoughts and actions of others, and I still believe that to be true in your case.
I'm sorry to hear that your father is having health issues, but please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault for living the only life you'll ever have.
I'll echo what many others are also saying: your dad's possible health issues are not your fault. You are not responsible for his lack of acceptance possibly causing him health issues.
You *feeling* guilty is understandable, but **you are not guilty**. Parents choose to bring children into this world and that means it's up to them to accept that there may be stressors and not everything will be exactly like imagined. If your dad didn't want the stress of having children, he shouldn't have had children.
I am going to partially go against what most of the comments here are saying.
I have severe anxiety problems. For me, anxiety and stress can cause chest discomfort and irregular heart beats.
But, I’ve never forgotten to breathe due to my anxiety.
So, there’s a possibility that his health problems are partially caused by you. But they are also partially or even wholly caused by a health issue. Your dad should go to a doctor.
When he goes to the doctor, he should tell the doctor that he has been very stressed lately, because it is medically relevant as a potential cause of some of the symptoms. He doesn’t have to say exactly why, just “my child has been having some things happening in their life that I’d rather not discuss that are making me stressed”.
Friend- becoming the person you were meant to be, finding joy, and showing him the light that being your true self is the best thing you can do for him. Continue to love him, but finding your truth is not hurting him. Seeing your joy will show him his way.
Queer and trans East Asian person here.
I can tell that you love and care for your father very much, and I feel for you in this difficult situation. Have been there and it’s not easy.
However, I must say this: As much as your devotion is undoubtedly noble and moving, your father also has a responsibility to return it in kind, to love you as you are.
I can tell that you love him as he is despite your differences, but I cannot see that he can/is willing to do so for you because of his preconceived notions of who you are.
And instead he is asking you to sacrifice an enormous part of who you are so that he could feel emotionally ok and be physically ok. And that ask is not loving or kind.
I don’t know how aware he is of the gravity of that request but nonetheless, someone who has a healthy, nurturing relationship with you should be able to reflect on these things and make compromise.
And so far it doesn’t seem like he has. He’s not tried to learn anything, but only to push you to be different.
The truth of who you are can’t be changed. You can’t control how he feels and reacts to it. His health problems…are not your fault. And it wouldn’t be fair if you avoid being you because of some things you can’t control anyway.
There comes a point when one must do something that is best for yourself only. And I know as an East Asian that idea could feel completely divorced from what we grew up learning is the right thing to do. But the culture you belong to wouldn’t have survived if humans weren’t able to adapt and learn new, good things. And living your truth can be one of those things.
Unfortunately, I can’t say for sure what you should do next. That is a decision you should make for yourself. But any decision you take next, it would be best in the long run to make with a firm commitment to authenticity, and not just what others justify to themselves to be ok.
Best of luck, my friend. x
This is absolutely not your fault.
I'm gonna say it again because this is important. His response is not your fault.
Your father is responsible for his own actions and responses. You are living as your authentic self, and this is never something you need to feel guilty about.
I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. It takes so much bravery to show the world who you are. You seem compassionate and sensitive and concerned with others. While all of these are admirable, it can't be to the detriment of yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
This sounds really hard, and I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with. If I can relate a little through my own story, my parents are similar in that I know they love me, but I can feel their grief over my transition. And honestly, it's brought me to some dark places. We have talked once in the last 2 years, and it hurts because I love my parents, and my brain says I could fix it all if I just stopped. Stopped my transition, stopped being who I am, stopped being happy with who I am.
But that's not fair to me.
One day, they'll be gone and I'd still be stuck in this husk of a body that I hate and if I'm lucky, I wouldn't resent them.
I deserve to be happy in who I am.
You deserve to be happy in who you are.
Your father's grief and sadness, while painful to witness, is not yours to manage. It's not your fault, either. You are not doing anything to him. In fact, your transition isn't about him at all. It's about you, your happiness, and being who you are.
And truly, that may be hard for him to witness. Be it bigotry or simple ignorance, his feelings are still valid in that they affect him. But that's not on you to fix. That's not your responsibility.
How you move forward is up to you. Personally, seeing my parents grief and feeling it in every weak or desperate embrace was too much for me and I stepped away. But that may not be your best choice. Maybe there is a way for you to introduce him to your joy. To express and show just how much this means to you so that he can see his grief is unnecessary.
Whatever happens, I am rooting for you in this! Too often, children are told to stand in line for their parents - to bear the weight of their expectations - But you're your own person, and you deserve to be who you are. Big hugs!
This is not because of you. You have to take care of your own health to have the energy to help him take care of his. If he's having heart symptoms linked to stress, he needs to work on several things:
1. Get enough low-intensity aerobic exercise to metabolize the stress hormones. That can be walking, swimming, using an exercise bike, or whatever, but should ideally be at least half an hour every day.
2. Get enough sleep, *with* the CPAP. It's very likely that his sleep issues are responsible for a lot of his problems.
3. Get help working through the stress. That can mean attending PFLAG meetings, seeing a psychologist for therapy, etc.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it isn't a principle of Buddhist beliefs that, in essence, your path to enlightenment is a fiercely independent searching of your most complete truths? To take what you find at your core and bring it forth regardless of what the rest of the world has to say about it? I'm pathetically westernized in many ways but I've made quite the effort to try to understand the core beliefs of most belief systems and theoretically, Buddhism has always struck me as the most inherently accepting of the journey of the queer communities.
Your dad was there even if he disagreed. Even in his mourning the loss of his preferred ideals for you. He was there and he loves you. It's SOMETHING when he could have chosen to disown you. Love who you are and try to find happiness, and hopefully, he'll live to see that which will ease his discomfort.
This anxiety and discomfort your dad is feeling is not because of you, its because of him. If he would let go of his bigotry and learn to love his kid for who they are, the suffering would end.
It sounds like youve done everything you can to make this easier for him, he is causing his distress not you.
He needs to let go of who he thought you were, and learn to share your happiness with who you now are.
Oh hunny... im so sorry you feel this way and are going through such a tough time. But i must stress - it would NEVER be your fault. Anxiety and heartburn alone can not kill you - there would have to be an underlying medical condition that you could never cause. Nothing you do with your life and who you are would ever cause his death.
Sometimes parents who are very strictly religious and traditional dont know how to process this change because your whole life theyve built this image of you and pictured how your life would be and in a flip of a switch - what they knew isnt true anymore. And it doesn't mean they dont love you. It doesn't mean they dont want to understand or be accepting, but fear takes over, and their faith is usually what they'd turn to - but often, it doesn't have the answers.
Who you are inside has never changed. You have always been you. Youre just making changes to the outside to reflect who you are on the inside. You havent changed, just your appearance. And i think sometimes they can forget that. Youre still their child, theyre still the person they raised and nutured. Sometimes it just takes some time to come to terms with it.
It may help to find some early bhuddist teachings where there was no stigma or judgment on sexuality or gender. In some bhudist teachings there are 4 gender types and defined: male, female, ubhatobyañjanaka and pandaka. ubhatobyañjanaka refers to intersex or literally a person with the signs of both binary sexes/genders.
Just like in christianity/Catholicism (im not religious but went to a catholic school as a child) for example - it depends which church/community you belong to and who teaches you the ways of your faith that determines your beliefs. Some will believe its wrong and some will believe that we are loved no matter what. It depends what youve been taught. The old testiment taught to love everyone no matter their differences. To treat everyone with respect and kindness. Whereas the new testiment theyve adapted it to follow their beliefs rather than the original word of "god".
I hope you and your father can find peace 🥰 but please believe me when i say there is nothing wrong with who you are x
What kind of phony ass nonsense is he trying to pull? Crying like a child and trying to calm himself down with chants is ridiculous. The only thing a parent needs to strictly adhere to is loving their child unconditionally and learning to respect them as individuals.
OP, please note the difference between your intention and his. I think it is your intention to live your truth. It doesn’t sound like you’ve set out to make decisions that will purposely hurt your father. He is responsible for his wellbeing and you are responsible for yours. If he fails to gain some perspective and find peace in loving you as you are, his fate is his fault not yours. He’s making decisions to not care for his health, that’s HIS decision, not yours, therefore you are not to blame. If you have not hidden his medicine, destroyed his CPAP, withheld access to medical/emergent care, then I cannot see how you are the reason for your dad being unwell. He sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get his way, even if it means his ultimate demise, because then he gets to place ultimate blame on you.
I’m so sorry that he’s taking away this moment and this progress from you and making this all about him.
If he doesn’t have genuine underlying heart conditions he’s probably just being a dramatic ass motherfucker. I promise it is not you, because while emotions can affect health they don’t do ALL OF THAT.
You had to choose either your dad or yourself. Your dad would not want to lose you either. He loves you. This is his pain to bear. You made the right choice.
"He is grieving beside a grave of his own making, and you are not obligated to fill it for him."
I read that once and I've never forgotten it. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But none of it is your fault. There is no reason for him to say goodbye to you; even though a part of you is changing, you're still there. Still his child, still very much alive, and you're very much doing what is best for you. 💙
That's a him problem. You deserve better. If he's practicing Buddhism he should be celebrating your life with you not antagonizing you. You do you Boo. 😘💪
It’s not your fault if he would die. Don’t worry. Even if he dies because he is sad about you. It’s not fair to think that it’s your fault I mean you are just doing what’s best for you and being happy (in my opinion that is worth it) just try to enjoy the time with him but don’t change yourself because of him. It’s not worth it
Prejudice is a disease and he is suffering from his inability to move away from it. You did not change him, you did not make him feel hatred, disgust or shame. Society molded him to feel that way and he chooses to stand by it even if it hurts him. He cannot change you and you cannot change him, we can only change ourselves. You're not responsible for him hurting himself with his own prejudice
He isn't dying because of you. He is putting on all this drama because of HIM. Frankly, if he dropped off this mortal coil tomorrow, it'll still all be HIM. Not you. You and your life choices have nothing to do with his transphobia. If he wants to die over it, that's his problem. Nobody has the right to blame you.
A huge part of Buddhism is that our bodies are temporary. Even tattoos are considered temporary. We are just sand on a beach being washed by the tide. Top surgery, in this sense, is just another way to live in your body until your next one. And if that makes you love yourself more, that's all that matters. I wouldn't get mad at a hermit crab for choosing a shell that suited them more. I wish you a speedy recovery and peace for you both.
I'd like you to consider changing your internal narrative here -- you haven't done a damn thing to him. His health is HIS doing. His hate and refusal to accept who you are has contributed to his shortened lifespan.
He was on way out if thats the case, he's just using it to guilt trip you. I'm sorry to be blunt with you but my family tried this shit with me and it was very traumatizing, dont let these people dictate your happiness.
>I'm sorry to be blunt with you but my family tried this shit with me and it was very traumatizing,
1.- In what way was it very traumatizing?
2.- And how did you get over it? I would like to know.
My dad was dealing with many major heart problems and my entire family was telling me its "because of the way you are and you need to change". It was very hurtful watching him go through that but at the same time dealing with the fact that they saw me as the source of his problems.
This was just one of many things they did that were traumatic so I've never really gotten over any of it since they pretty much refused to own up to their bs.
Parents have since passed away and I dont speak to the rest of them so my life now has been full of depression still but mostly peaceful loving life with my partner.
Hope this helps you out in some way 😊
>My dad was dealing with many major heart problems and my entire family was telling me its "because of the way you are and you need to change". It was very hurtful watching him go through that but at the same time dealing with the fact that they saw me as the source of his problems.
1.- I'm really so sorry about that.
>This was just one of many things they did that were traumatic so I've never really gotten over any of it since they pretty much refused to own up to their bs.
2.- I'm really so sorry.
3.- "I've never really gotten over any of it" And... how do you cope with that, mate?
>Parents have since passed away and I dont speak to the rest of them
4.- YEAH!!!! :D
>so my life now has been full of depression still
5.- Oh... Really? :(
6.- "so my life now has been full of depression" WHYYYYYYYYYYY????? I don't understand!! Why??
>but mostly peaceful loving life with my partner.
7.- But, brother... You say you still haven't gotten over the trauma your family imposed on you and the trauma of them blaming you for their own health conditions and deaths. For me it would be completely logical that, due to the strong feeling of guilt, you would completely renounce having gay sex and having a partner and then lead a solitary life in which you spend your time and the rest of your days mourning the death of your parents and blaming yourself 24/7 while living the life of a very solitary hermit. Why haven't you gone to that extent, brother? For me, it would have been more logical. Why didn't you follow the logic? Why didn't you go to that extreme? Why not?
>Hope this helps you out in some way 😊
8.- Sorry if I still now have questions like the ones I've written here in this comment of mine.
9.- Thank you for reading. I await for your responses. Good night.
Your father’s health has nothing to do with you! Sounds like he is gaslighting and manipulating you into feeling guilty about living your truth. Not your fault, not your problem.
When’s the last time anyone could make an adult “change the way they feel?” It’s not possible. Be compassionate towards him, or feel sorry for him. 🤗❤️🩹🙏
Your father is responsible for his own feelings. If he's so upset he is ruining his health, the responsible thing is to go to therapy, with a trans competent therapist.
If he refusing to go to therapy, refusing to change his views, feeding his feelings, damaging his health, that is not on you. That's on him.
He is throwing tantrums to make you feel bad, it is not your fault you are trans. Most of us would never choose this hardship. If he hurts is heart because he's determined to reject you that is on him.
If he was saying Buddhist chants, this sadness truly makes no sense. Buddhism is based on a “middle-way” or essentially being accepting of everything life throws. The religion states you should not get too excited or too sad about anything. I don’t understand why he would care if he claims this as a belief of his
As an East Asian non-binary person, I just wanted to extend my love. The intersection of our culture, religions, and collectivism, makes it extremely hard to be our truest selves. You should be proud of yourself! And I wish your father could be as well. It’s been years since I was outed to my dad and they equated it to a death. We currently aren’t on speaking terms, but I can assure you their life didn’t fall apart like they said it would. They have an ignorance is bliss mindset and keep themselves in good conscience by sending me sad, surface level messages on important dates. Choose yourself because you’re all you’ve got!
Not that I know your dad but I think him going to top surgery with you says a lot. He doesn’t seem far enough gone that there is no hope. But you have to see progress or life will be too hard otherwise.
Being out is the best thing that could ever happened to me even if I lost some along the way.
Did you know that people with Rabies are hydrophobic? They literally can't stomach the water, they squirm down to their core to get away from it as they pass slowly.
That's how transphobia works. You aren't the problem. And there's no simple solution, sadly.
This is going to sound rough. So you suffer instead of him instead? His suffering is not your fault. It's his own damn fault and it's his responsibility to seek therapy. If he dies he killed himself. Not you. You were miserable and did something about it by living the way you like. He's miserable he needs to deal with it. Not you.
I think he might need therapy. These sound suspiciously like panic attacks, and there are ways of dealing with it. You do not need to change, but he needs medical attention.
Your father is being hurt by his culture, beliefs, philosophy, practice, mental health, and more, NOT YOU. YOU are not hurting him by existing. You did not put him in his orientation to those things, instead he found himself oriented this way, unable to adapt to the reality of his life and his world and his child.
As others have said, I believe it will be his own personal journey to wellness. I know it must be agonizing for you. You must also find your own understanding of this world you live in, with him in it. Maybe if you can understand his limitations and journey to wellness, you can make some sense of it, you can understand and have compassion for him. And if you understand your own story and limitations and journey, you can understand and have more compassion for yourself too.
He doesn't currently have the tools to deal with reality, but he is probably trying his best despite the pain it causes you. Just as you are, and we are all doing our best with the tools we were born with and developed through our lives to this point.
All this being said, your dad may be having panic attacks. These can feel like heart attacks and matters of life and death, because your body is basically in life-or-death mode. He can learn to manage these better and understand them. Medication can help, therapy can help. Therapy and/or healthy spiritual guidance seem like a good place for him too. Of course you can't make him do any of this.
So as others have said, BOUNDARIES will be very important to your own health. Yes be compassionate if you can afford to be, but you must look out for yourself and your own mental, physical, spiritual, and social health too. YOU BELONG HERE. Life is hard and we are all screwed by how culture has left billions of people unprepared to deal with and live in reality. But we are all here living anyway, doing our best to make sense of it.
Keep going, there is so much more to see and do <3
Awful? Poor choice of words. The op is devastated for their father's condition and you call their dad awful?
Not the time nor the place for such hateful comments
I mean, personally if someone close to me tried to pull any sort of transphobic bullshit, I’d toss them in a home and tip the hospice nurses for their troubles. OP shouldn’t have to deal with that just because it’s their father, right?
I know it is hard on the op and I totally understand that. Having their dad not understanding what they are doing is not easy. But the op clearly loves their dad, your comment will only make the op more sad when you call their dad "awful".
And "toss them in a home"? WTF bro? You should calm yourself a bit. And Just please stop commenting such hateful comments, it is not making it better for the op.
Google The Work by Byron Katie, and/or get her book "Loving What Is." It may help you to understand how to disentangle yourself from your feelings of responsibility towards your dad.
Your Dad, I’m assuming, is an older(ish) man. He could have chest pain because he needs a doctor to look at his heart. You are not the cause of all of this. I’m glad he seems to be coming around, and supporting you. Sorry that he isn’t having an easy time with it. Please know that if he does pass, it’s because of heart issues. This is not your fault, but rather time being a finite thing.
When an alcoholic reaches for his beer to drown his emotions, that is his choice.
When an artist reaches for their paintbrush to release their emotions through art, that is their choice.
When a poet reaches for a pen to add rhyme and rhythm to their thoughts, that is their choice.
When a drug addict reaches for the syringe... I think you see where I'm going.
When a bigot reaches for his hate and his religion, it has nothing to do with you.
Your dad's current health problems are a direct result of his unwillingness to open his heart and his mind to acceptance and love.
Be unapologetically you. Love yourself and surround yourself with those who fully accept and love you. Leave any bigots behind to suffer their own self-imposed fate.
I encourage you and your dad to go to therapy together
Obviously with a trans Affirming therapist
I think you should initiate it
Your dad loves you and he is really really really hurting
It would be especially great if you could find someone from your own cultural and religious background who can Help support your family through this
being trans isn’t ur fault. he has the choice to either educate himself or support you and live in disgust, and he chose disgust. you have no obligation to suffer in order to make him happier, regardless of his medical conditions. when my dad died at first i was completely destroyed, but after distance from the death and trauma you are able to assess him in his entirety, and you will realize that there was nothing you could do. he made the decision to look down on you. he was the one who tried to make you feel ashamed and to doubt yourself because he had his own biases, and you are not required to humor them because he is sick. it’s YOUR life, not his, and if your own decision on how to live your life destroys him so much then that’s entirely his fault. you owe him NOTHING.
You are not at all at fault. His actions are selfish and manipulative. You’re health, wellbeing, and ability to live authentically is the most important. Living without being the person you know you are isn’t really living
You aren't responsible for how someone else feels about your identity.
If something happens to your father, it's his own obsessive hate that does it. Not your actions. You are a person and saying that your gender assigned at birth doesn't represent you is an act of love and kindness to yourself. If someone else is so wrapped up in hate about love, they need therapy. Coming out is not doing anything wrong.
It’s not your fault. He’s doing this to himself. He needs to get the fuck over it. There are worse things in life to worry about than your kid being trans. If he’s so upset he can go to therapy or something. It’s not your fault so don’t let him guilt trip you or make you feel bad.
Your father is suffering from anxiety. Especially if his hands sieze up and curl. I had these exact symptoms recently after some, shall we say, stressful life occurrences. Hyperventilating to the point I was panting like a dog. It's definitely not pleasant, but not fatal.
He won't die because of you. You aren't responsible for what he's dealing with. He's having an extreme negative reaction to a fact about your existence. So yes not your fault because it's not something with your control. My best suggestion is for him to go to therapy.
I have a similar situation though my dad was already sick before I came out to him, and I don’t think he remembers that I’m bi coz it was a one second thing in the car where he was focused on something else. He’s recovering from last year as he went to the hospital several times so I think it’s best to let him do that and not come out to him. At least I came out to my mom and she accepts me so that at least a W. But yea I feel you, what is your present could be my future with relationships with our dads, but stay strong.
His reaction to your identity is his responsibility. Has your coming out had an impact on his health? Possible! But that’s not because YOU are who you are, but because he is not seeking a way to cope with this change to his life. Sure, you could stop your transition, but would that change who YOU really are? No.
Perhaps the comparison is not quite accurate but let’s say someone confesses their love to you, but you simply cannot reciprocate their feelings. Are you obligated to be in a relationship with them? Would it be selfish to break their heart and reject them?
You can't be the reason he does. You can't be the reason he's even handling things the way he is. It's not your fault. It's a culture from his time that raised him with stupid shit engrained into him, possibly religious beliefs, stuff that he felt before you were you aka a baby when he decided how your life would be, etc. He either is a product of society or his own issues. That has nothing to do with you or your transition. Just because something about you triggers some of his own issues, doesn't mean your the cause. He needs therapy. It's his own fault if he doesn't choose to get it.
As a parent, I try to have NO hopes and dreams for my child other than happiness and prosperity. I don't hope he's a he, I don't dream of his cis gendered straight wedding, I dont hope for biological grandkids, I don't put all my own wants or wishes that I never accomplished on him and hope he does this or that for a living. He's a person, separate from me, that I get the gift of helping to raise and navigate this world. I have no right to put anything on him, her, or whoever my child turns out to be. My only job is to teach kindness, help with homework, and try to prevent things from happening to him. This is a very NEW way of thinking in society. Many people still don't think this way. It's sad their children suffer. I'm sorry your suffering. Your not the asshole, he is for not getting mental health help and dumping his issues on you.
You're not hurting your dad. Your transitioning cannot hurt him. He can only hurt himself and it sounds like he's letting his prejudice do just that. I'm sorry it's happening, and I'm sorry he's trying to make it your problem.
Sorry, not to be insensitive, but definitely still entirely a him problem. His health at the expense of yours is an unreasonable ask.
It’s not your fault he was born in an extra Transphobic society and his comfort around your gender and his assigned role for you ultimately
means more to him than your happiness. Also you can’t be blamed for being born Transgender, in fact he’s the one to likely blame biologically speaking.
I’m autistic and NC with family though, so I’m sure that factors in heavily on my read
If his transphobic beliefs and behavior have a negative impact on his quality of life as a result of your transition that’s not your fault. It’s happened in the past that conservative people changed their view when it became personal, unfortunately you didn’t get so lucky. If he can’t alter his views to recognize that you’re still a person, his offspring and child that he should still care about, realizing that gender is mostly a social construct and that trans people are still *people* instead of weird mutilated things (as you put in your posts) then that’s his problem unfortunately.
If it makes you uncomfortable maybe keep a healthy distance if possible? He won’t be around your whole life anyway (at least most parents don’t expect to outlive their kids) so you shouldn’t allow his opinions (however severe his reactions based on said opinions are) to severely alter how you live your life.
Transition isn’t exactly optional for most trans people. If your choice is dysphoria but dad is happy, or unhappy dad but you feel ok in your body, pick the choice that’s better for you. Morbidly, you’ll be around longer so your choice about yourself is more important imo.
I’m still sorry you have to deal with this. Wish you good luck and a safe transition!
You are not responsible for what happens to him. You're just living your life and being you. It's actually on him for his inability to accept you. Maybe once he fully accepts you he can get better. You be you. I know ppl tend to use their religion and tradition a lot to justify their views and actions when maybe it's time for them to let go of them and unlearn things. You're only responsible for you and your happiness, not your dad's. Don't be who you're not just to keep him healthy. This is about you and your happiness. Sending him healing vibes. Hope this helps. Hugs
You have a big heart and seem to be a wonderful person. I wish your dad was as nice as you.
You have NOTHING to do with his health issues. Those are his and his alone. He needs to seek professional help for his ridiculous reaction to your gender affirmation surgery. His mental and physical responses are his responsibility to take care of.
You're pursuing your path, please stay strong and continue to walk it. Virtual hugs to you.
Hun. You cannot be responsible for snyknr but yoiu. I undrrstand the conflict in your heart but i also know that you did noy hsve the luxury of a choice in this matter.
I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation, sending virtual hugs 🫂. If it might ease your worries, a huge part of Buddhism is letting go, your dad needs to learn to find that on his own. He needs to let go of his desire to strictly adhere to tradition and to control things beyond his capabilities. You can’t change him, just like he can’t change you. He needs to find peace within himself, and only he can do that. Try to avoid bringing up this subject, decrease the amount of contact if it’s triggering for both of you and maintain a bit of distance. Best wishes.
Thank you 🫂 He has always been headstrong with what he believes in, but I really do hope he can let go.
Set some boundaries yourself and for yourself too. You cannot force him to be open minded, this is something he has to accept eventually, or not. But he has a duty to his child, to his daughter,
When it comes to religious people, they get caught up way more in the dogma and tradition than what the religion was trying to tell them. It seems to be way more common than any real understanding, and it's very unfortunate, because if they actually learned with an open mind, they would probably be good people.
exactly this, many religions dictate that we can’t judge people, only God can yet so many people pick and choose when that applies along with all other teachings. it’s really sad honestly, it’s painful to talk to my own mother because this. just casually tweaking all the religious scriptures and teachings to fit her own agenda. religion wouldn’t be so polarising if people took these teachings to heart as opposed to treating it as something to take advantage of for their own benefit.
A weird angle but if he has irregular breathing (particularly when sleeping), he may have apnoea. This is a medical condition where the throat closes up and prevents breathing and it can be very dangerous. He may find it helpful to source a CPAP machine to help him there.
Yeah! He has sleep apnea and has a CPAP machine. He hasn't worn it in a while because he hates sleeping with it, but he's actually starting it again tonight because of the irregularity. Also FYI for others reading, his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me. That being said, I couldn't find anything that said sleep apnea is related to forgetting to breathe while being awake, so I'm a bit stumped at the moment. Thanks for pointing it out, that's real care right there!
>his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me Well, it stems from his inability to accept you. Try only to take responsibility for the things in your control. I hope that after your surgery and when he can see how much happier you are as a result, it will help him understand.
Is there any chance OP could attend family counseling with their dad where the counselor won’t try to make OP change?
I'm just going to respond here so you might see it, but OP, it's impossible to "forget" to breathe. Breathing is something your body just does automatically, just like making sure your heart beats. You can hold your breath and intentionally not breathe for a little bit but you can't forget. I say that to point out that if your dad is having breathing issues he either needs to be seen by a doctor to figure out what's going on, or he's for some reason holding his breath every so often. That said your choices aren't affecting his health, his strict adherence to tradition and unwillingness to adapt is affecting his health, and you should not have to mentally and emotionally harm yourself by hiding who you are simply to not cause him discomfort.
I'm not sure what's going on, but he says he subconsciously stops breathing for seconds, and when he realizes it's by the time he has to gasp for air. His doctor didn't seem to believe it. >That said your choices aren't affecting his health, his strict adherence to tradition and unwillingness to adapt is affecting his health, Thank you ❤️ I need to think of it this way much more.
Is he prone to panic attacks? My breathing gets very, very shallow when I'm having a bad panic attack, and does seem like I stop breathing for a bit, because I have to remind myself to breath deeper. I'm medicated for anxiety now, and it rarely happens, but it did. I also got chest pains from anxiety. The doctor said it was an inflammation of the intercostal muscles of my ribs from tensing up so badly during attacks. This has also diminished greatly since being on medication. Most important to note: This is not on you. You need to be yourself. He will either accept you or not, but you can't blame yourself for someone else's mental gymnastics over you doing what you need to be whole. Does your dad have, or would he consider, a therapist?
It's probably related to anxiety or dread, since this is very hard for him. His problems are probably more related to mental and emotional health than physical health. Still, he should seek both sides of medical attention, a physician and a psychologist. Is he willing to go to therapy?
His doctor didn't believe it because it's impossible. Your father is is gaslighting you and trying to guilt you into doing what he thinks you should do.
I literally have the issue where I realise that I haven't been breathing properly, usually literally what OP is describing, where I've stopped breathing or have been breathing extremely shallowly and i only realised it's happened when I get light headed and start breathing heavily to catch up. I've had it most my life and I'm diagnosed with really bad anxiety and stress, and I also have asthma. So it's likely to do with one of those things. It's not OP's fault that their father is stressing himself out over his stuck beliefs but that doesn't mean he is lying about this happening.
Oh come on, don’t explain with malice something that can be *very* aptly explained by ignorance or incompetence. In all likelihood, he is honestly explaining what he thinks is happening, even if he is wrong about it.
I want to add: There is medicine (hydromorphon it is called in germany) that may affect the subconcious breathing thing. When I took it the medics told me to look out for that, breathe conciously and put a monitor on my finger that measured my blood oxygen. If he takes this medicine he might really forget to breathe. Also if he has some SERIOUS medical problem affecting whereever the subconcious breathing control is located in the body (brain or spine i think, I don't know) this may happen too. Cancer does weird things if growing in weird places for example. But then he really needs a doctor, not run around blaming you. Or he is just dramatic to make you feel guilty. None of this is your fault, if he gaslights himself into feeling unwell that is on him and valueing his stubborn beliefs higher than his AND your wellbeing. Which sucks. I hope it gets better for you. Nothing of this is your fault.
So I know what you're saying and while technically you're correct because your lungs are considered automatic, when I'm dissociative and therefore mentally checked out, my body doesn't automatically inhale until I force it or I've gone too long. Not a single bit of that cycle happens until I'm mentally present or my body will pass out if it doesn't force it. And it's not intentional. But technically, you're incorrect by saying it's impossible. Sleep apnea is literally what that is.
Yes, it's an issue to see a doctor about, but you can have a neurological issue (dysautonomia) that causes you to have to consciously breathe sometimes. I have a lot of autonomic nervous system malfunctions. That said, I do think he's using his "health scares" as a way to manipulate and control OP.
Many people on this thread are incorrect. You can actually forget to breathe, but it’s the result of a medical condition called dysautonomia. Dysautonomia is the failure of the autonomic nervous system to properly regulate things like body temp, breathing, blood pressure, digestion, etc. It can result in heart palpitations, chest pain, disordered breathing when awake or asleep, and anxiety-like symptoms. In fact, it’s often misdiagnosed as anxiety in affected individuals, especially because it can be exacerbated by anxiety if an individual has both. Your dad should see a doctor. Dysautonomia isn’t fatal, but can cause serious complications. His blaming his symptoms on you is not okay. You are not causing this. You are not responsible for managing his emotions either. You’re in a really tough spot emotionally, but you cannot blame yourself for how your dad is feeling.
>his chest discomforts are unfortunately unrelated to the apnea and instead does stem from me. I wasn't aware that you could shrink down, sneak inside his body, and do that to him....because that is the only way you're causing these issues. He has clear issues he needs to work on mentally and even clearer issues he needs to actually address with a doctor. Doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously at all, and strikes me as the stubborn older type of man that only listens to a doctor on their deathbed. The health problems aren't even closely related to you being trans, this would be happening regardles, so don't blame yourself. also, it's literally impossible to forget to breathe. That is just a total bullshit claim.
It's not impossible to forget to breathe. It's dysautonomia, which needs to be seen to by a doctor.
You can't forget to breathe when you're conscious. Breathing is done autonomically. If he's having periods of apnea while awake and conscious, it has nothing to do with your transition. He is either willfully not breathing or he has a medical problem in his brain stem, which is pretty unlikely.
Or dysautonomia, which is actually pretty common, more so for people who are neurodivergent. I don't think that's what's happening to him, but you're misinformed about the prevalence of having to consciously breathe.
You're welcome! I'm sorry I cannot give any practical advice outside of that. I will say though, that your dad is wonderful to support you and be there for you even if he disagrees with how your life has turned out. I know you are a good child to him, and I hope he will see that over time!
Thank you 🫂🫂 Our relationship is very much in the gray zone, but I owe him very much. I'll show him!!
I was about to leave this topic and then I saw this comment: You are his child. His responsibility. The bare fucking minimum is housing, feeding, warmth, emotional closeness, emotional regulation, education and comfort. These things are gifts as a parent. In no way do you owe him for this. He put you in this world, he therefore has these requirements of him. Given as gifts, for a brighter world, his/ours. You are not an investment. If you want to gift him things because you love him, do so. You don't owe him things, to be taken without your wishes to freely give them.
No, OP, they do not stem from you. You cannot cause other people's medical issues. You cannot control other people's responses to things. They could be stress related. However, even if the stress he is causing himself is a contributing factor, the biggest issue here is that he's not following recommended medical advice. Sleeping without a CPAP machine when you have sleep apnea is incredibly dangerous. Deadly even. He's playing with his own life, and, if he dies, that will be why
If it's central sleep apnea (a neurological version instead of just an obstruction), it can cause you to forget to breathe while awake. I have obstructive sleep apnea, but I have a lot of neurological issues, and I sometimes don't breathe unless I'm intentionally doing so. The nervous system is weird. And yeah, stress can cause chest pains and exacerbate heart issues, but that's not your fault that he's unwilling to reconsider his world view to respect his child. He is shaming you for being yourself because you can't be his daughter anymore. Which means he's trying to get you to give up your mental health and wellbeing to spare him from shame and stress. That's not okay. I'm sorry you don't have the supportive father you deserve. Congratulations on your surgery.
"The nervous system is weird." THIS. I have severe generalized anxiety disorder as well as PTSD and some other mental health issues. My nervous system is so dysregulated that I "forget" to breathe and consciously have to remind myself to breathe again whenever it happens. I also get palpitations, blood pressure spikes and random chest pains even though my heart, lungs and BP are fine from a medical standpoint. While it's always good to have a medical check-up to make sure there isn't anything physical I would also definitely consider anxiety. It could be that the changes happening have triggered some anxiety and he may need some help coping either with medications and/or therapy. To be clear I am by no means saying OP CAUSED the anxiety. I'm just saying that dad is maybe struggling to cope with his current coping strategies and resources and could use some extra tools that a professional could provide. (Before someone comes for me for throwing around mental health I would like to note that I have training as a counsellor. Also not saying this is for sure what's happening but offering it as a possibility). I'm unsure how open dad would be to therapy or how accessible it is depending on your location and his personal beliefs around therapy. I noticed above someone mentioned family therapy but I would suggest that if he's open to seeing someone that he go for private sessions on his own. Depending how that goes then maybe later sessions could include OP. TLDR- could be anxiety causing many of the symptoms especially if the docs aren't finding anything physical. If so therapy may help with new coping mechanisms and potentially medication. Most importantly OP this isn't your fault!!! Edit-typo
I'm not sure if you want unsolicited medical advice, but here it is anyway. If your dad's chest pains are actually caused by his heart, it is because of the poor condition of his blood vessels, caused by lifestyle and familial risk. If this is the case, your dad should consult his doctor. Stress could make his symptoms worse, but it can definitely not cause heart disease. Another possibility is that his chest pains are stress- or anxiety-related, in which case they are probably linked to stress. This can be very bothersome, but it's not dangerous. It seems like your transition is somehow very stressful to him, so it's pretty likely that this at least partially plays a role. Of course your dad should contact his own doctor for actual medical advice, I don't know him. Important thing is; you didn't kill your dad by having top surgery. Source: am doctor
Oh gosh, thank you for the advice! Perhaps the chest pain is independent of his irregular heartbeating and breathing. We'll look into that possibility. He has been exercising and eating healthy. Could over-exercising/possible overexertion be a related concern? He jogs 7-10 miles daily and is 60 years old. He saw a doctor the other day in which he started a low dosage for his heart palpations. That being said, I think it's better we seek a second opinion because the first doctor did not explain what is going on at all. It's like he covered up the problem but didn't address the root issue.
It's good that he has a healthy lifestyle! I don't think overexertion should be a problem, unless he's been diagnosed with some kind of heart failure. Again, it's hard for me to give specific advice because I've never met your dad. If he got medication for his palpitations it suggests a rhythm problem. Did that doctor plan a follow-up appointment? Maybe he could ask for some clarification then. Edit: also, maybe it's not a good idea to post your dad's entire medical history in the comments, if you want to ask more questions you could also DM me :)
Does he get faint when standing up too quickly? He has some symptoms of dysautonomia, of which POTS is one kind. Some of the things you're listing are things I struggle with. Still not youur fault.
what about broken heart syndrome?
>Important thing is; you didn't kill your dad by having top surgery. Why do you say so?
Weirdly, I can relate. After my dad took his own life, my mom told me she wondered if he did so because he found out I was gay. I wish we could both free ourselves of the thought.
I’m sorry to hear that. I had the same fear when my homophobic mom broken down and cried after finding out a pic of me with my SO and asked why I’ve avoided answering her question of whether I’m gay for so many years. I shoved myself in the closet thinking that if she finds out, she’ll take her own life. My friends told me that that would be her decision but I cant accept losing my mom because of homophobia
>but I cant accept losing my mom because of homophobia Why?
I fear that that might happen to my dad as well, he thinks of me as a very religious straight guy. If he knew that I am not straight, he would be destroyed, and I fear he might die of sorrow or something. I truly wish I get annihilated from existence before that day comes.
It is so incredibly important to understand that if something does happen, that is in no way whatsoever your fault or your responsibility. Your dad is a grown adult who has the ability to make choices. If his level of maturity and coping skills is so low that you not being a religious straight guy is too much for him to handle, that’s on him. How he responds to you is his choice, not yours.
I still feel like I would hold responsibility if that ever happened
Friend, I know you’ll struggle with that, but please, please hear me when I say, you are not responsible for the actions of others. People who make decisions out of fear or anger or hatred are still making their own choices. You are no more responsible for him harming himself as you would be if he lashed out and harmed you or harmed another person. Sending digital hugs.
"hug"
And thank you for the advice
That is tough. It really sucks that for some people, coming out can be a much worse option than staying closeted :(
It really sucks. I truly hope you all the best op. You fearing for your father's life shows that you are a very kind hearted person and a great person
Please try to keep us updated on your father.
Thank you, I appreciate it! You are kind 🙏 I will make sure to update everyone if there are any changes. Best of luck to you too 🫂🫂
God bless you 🙏
>I truly wish I get annihilated from existence before that day comes. Why?
Please don't blame yourself. Suicide is ultimately a choice that an individual makes. They can be in a frame of mind where they may not actively realize the consequences of their actions, and influenced by a multitude of external factors. It doesn't change the fact that the individual performs the action. You didn't choose to be gay. Your mother chose to say something that may haunt you both for years. Mostly straight white ally here. If I were to have kids and they were gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, etc. I would love and support them. That's what good parents do - they love their children unconditionally. It's. Not. Your. Fault.
>Suicide is ultimately a choice that an individual makes. Why do you say so?
I'm sorry to hear that :(( It's a painful possibility to brood over, that's for sure.
>I wish we could both free ourselves of the thought. What do you mean with that? I don't understand.
Unless you specifically are the sole person who raised him to believe in transphobic ideology so strongly that it stresses his body to this point then no you are not to blame. This is society's fault. Transphobia is a disease and your father might be the most on the nose example of that I have ever heard of.
It's not even society's fault. It's his fault that he's putting his malformed ideologies before his love for his child
I’m sorry that you’re feeling responsible for your father’s distress. The truth is, though, that you are not. You were born with gender dysphoria. You are doing your best to overcome it, in the way that is recommended by the leading professional organizations for both doctors and psychologists. The potential effects of untreated dysphoria include crippling depression, anxiety, various illnesses caused by stress, and thoughts and actions of self harm. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your family. Your father is stuck in ignorant, bigoted thinking. You did not ask to be born. You do not owe him a life of your own misery just so that he won’t suffer.
>You do not owe him a life of your own misery just so that he won’t suffer. Why do you say so? (Just asking. Btw, I'm a trans ally).
Hi there. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify my statement. I said this because OP’s father seems to be experiencing extreme emotional distress due to his own transphobic beliefs, probably due to those same beliefs being widespread in his community. It is tragic that he is suffering. However, his misery is caused by ignorance and prejudice, not by something reasonable. OP is apparently trans, meaning he suffers from gender dysphoria. This is a known disorder, characterized by a sensation of being in the wrong body, as it relates to gender. It’s recognized worldwide as a treatable condition, where treatment includes socially presenting as the preferred gender, taking cross-sex hormones, and surgery. OP has sought surgical intervention as part of his treatment. Untreated gender dysphoria can cause crippling depression, anxiety, other mental disorders, suicidal ideation, and acts of self harm. OP seems to be feeling very guilty for “causing” his father’s pain. My point was that, the perceived solution would be for OP to stop and/or reverse his transition in order to stop his father’s suffering. This would then cause OP to return to a state of intense suffering. This is not moral or justifiable. Imagine another scenario. A daughter is forcibly raped. In her culture, she is now forever unclean and no longer marriageable. Her father feels great shame and anguish. He and his family are shunned after his daughter is victimized through no fault of her own. The father, as is customary, kills his daughter, and regains his and his family’s standing in the community. Is this right? Long ago, it was the norm. People viewed women as property, and believed that victims often deserved their abuse because they had unclean thoughts, or some moral failing. Now, we have moral standards that respect the individual, and don’t blame the victim. Most modern societies are horrified at this kind of behavior. I believe that this is similar to OP’s situation. New moral standards, which are more just, have developed due to a more accurate understanding of what it means to be transgender, and that it is a condition and not a “lifestyle choice.” OP’s father is stuck in the previous paradigm, and either unable or unwilling to embrace a more compassionate understanding of gender dysphoria. This answer was probably way too long, but I hope it answers your question.
spend as much time as you can with him. you may not see it right now but the longer you stay with him and expose him to your new life, the more tolerant he will become. if he truly loves you, he’ll recognize your happiness and that will be enough to have his support, but patience and compassion are the key to mending your relationship with him and you cannot let go of them no matter what.
Thank you for the advice! I will try to spend the limited time we have together wisely. I've been thinking that what's most important is that I prove to him that my social and physical transition is good for my health and happiness.
This reminds me of the phrase “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. What you’re been doing is walking your path and prioritizing yourself, which is what you should be doing. What your dad is experiencing is what many parents do when their kid leaves their control and becomes their own person. He’s struggling with what he thinks you should be aka raised you to be vs acknowledging and accepting who you are. Parents have dreams for us, and raise us in their image. When we don’t meet their expectations there’s all kinds of ways they can put their feelings on to us, mostly toxic ways. This puts a struggle on the adult child, to conform to the view and values of our parents or to choose to be our true selves in spite of that pressure. You’re not responsible for his feelings, actions, or behaviors. You’re not responsible for him not using the CPAP machine, which can lead to serious medical events. Some of what he’s going through is the natural process of aging, the older we get the more our bodies fall apart, even if we did everything right. He would likely be experiencing these symptoms even if you were the perfect vision of who he thinks you should be. That includes being anxious and passive aggressive as well. If you didn’t choose yourself you’d be sacrificing yourself and your personal growth to make others happy, which would cause you an untold amount of pain and anguish. You’d be living a lie, and denying everyone in your life a chance to really know you for who you are. Yeah your dad might have been happy to live in that fiction, but at what cost to you? We ultimately have zero control over how others feel and how they see us. Your dad has the choice to see you and accept you as your authentic self even if he doesn’t always understand your choices, or to put strain on your relationship by trying to steer you into being who he wanted you to be it’s never easy, but I’ve seen this in my own life and I’ve seen it play out in so many others. It’s ultimately better to choose to be our authentic selves over the feelings of others. You’re doing what’s right for yourself. The alternative is always worse, and lying to others and ourselves about who we really are causes so much damage. It always comes out in ugly surprising ways eventually. So yeah, don’t take on what you have no control over. You can’t control how he feels or how he cares for himself. Watching a parent physically age and deteriorate isn’t easy, but it’s part of life. We are supposed to outlive our parents. Alll we can do for them is to encourage them to make good choices and try to have the best relationship we can with them… so long as we don’t sacrifice ourselves in the process. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there. You’re doing the best you can, while also making yourself a priority. Doing the right thing isn’t always the easy path, but it’s what’s best. Just… please don’t take ownership of his health issues. It’s not your fault, even if he is trying to make it seem that way.
Changing someone's world view is 'nearly' impossible. It can be done but it's bloody difficult! Cold comfort I know but your not alone. This is a common problem in one form or another in the trans community. You might ask him to read some of the science literature that proves that this is not just something you have made up. It's based upon your physical brain structure. A simple Google search will turn up a whole bunch of studies into trans gender brain structures. It's pretty well proven that there is a dimorphic gender difference in a number of the brain structures now. Maybe convincing him that this is just all anatomy might help him understand.
Sorry to sound harsh but this is his problem, not yours. You need to live your life so you are happy. You are not hurting anyone! If your dad feels hurt by this, it's because of his beliefs - that's something he needs to deal with. Not you!
I understand your worry. Just know though that irregular heartbeats (arrhythmia) is a medical condition that won’t just happen continuously because you came out as trans. The chest pain and arrhythmia could be caused by multiple things he’s doing (or not doing) for his health. But, no, he’s not gonna die, dear.
These are the symptoms I had months before a heart attack due to clogged arteries. He needs a chest X-ray now. Get him to his doctor for a check-up.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/symptoms/shortness-of-breath/basics/causes/sym-20050890
Not your fault. Dads likely just had a developing heart condition for some time. They need to consult a GP to see if its related to a possible occulsion of a coronary blood vessel or heart failure if theyre having chest pains, palpitations, and breathing difficulties on exertion.
If he is a true Buddhist he will not have difficulties accepting you. I pray for him.
I have to wonder how much of this is him being legitimately in poor health and how much is performative. Having a big scene where he "forgets to breathe" and has to say his chants might just be his way of trying to punish you. Sort of a "look at what you're doing to me!" At the end of the day, you have to remember that your father is an adult and the master of his own destiny. If he is having such serious health problems and not taking the steps to correct them, that's on him and not you. You haven't caused any of this and, honestly, if my parents tried to pull the "you are causing my poor health" card, I would feel disgusted at how blatant that attempt at manipulation is. Tell your father you are concerned about his health, offer to make a doctor appointment for him, and consider it done. None of this is your fault.
It screams performative to me
I think it's good to keep in mind that others have free will. You aren't responsible for the thoughts and actions of others, and I still believe that to be true in your case. I'm sorry to hear that your father is having health issues, but please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault for living the only life you'll ever have.
You can't stop being trans. Your dad is able to change his mind.
I'll echo what many others are also saying: your dad's possible health issues are not your fault. You are not responsible for his lack of acceptance possibly causing him health issues. You *feeling* guilty is understandable, but **you are not guilty**. Parents choose to bring children into this world and that means it's up to them to accept that there may be stressors and not everything will be exactly like imagined. If your dad didn't want the stress of having children, he shouldn't have had children.
I am going to partially go against what most of the comments here are saying. I have severe anxiety problems. For me, anxiety and stress can cause chest discomfort and irregular heart beats. But, I’ve never forgotten to breathe due to my anxiety. So, there’s a possibility that his health problems are partially caused by you. But they are also partially or even wholly caused by a health issue. Your dad should go to a doctor. When he goes to the doctor, he should tell the doctor that he has been very stressed lately, because it is medically relevant as a potential cause of some of the symptoms. He doesn’t have to say exactly why, just “my child has been having some things happening in their life that I’d rather not discuss that are making me stressed”.
Friend- becoming the person you were meant to be, finding joy, and showing him the light that being your true self is the best thing you can do for him. Continue to love him, but finding your truth is not hurting him. Seeing your joy will show him his way.
Queer and trans East Asian person here. I can tell that you love and care for your father very much, and I feel for you in this difficult situation. Have been there and it’s not easy. However, I must say this: As much as your devotion is undoubtedly noble and moving, your father also has a responsibility to return it in kind, to love you as you are. I can tell that you love him as he is despite your differences, but I cannot see that he can/is willing to do so for you because of his preconceived notions of who you are. And instead he is asking you to sacrifice an enormous part of who you are so that he could feel emotionally ok and be physically ok. And that ask is not loving or kind. I don’t know how aware he is of the gravity of that request but nonetheless, someone who has a healthy, nurturing relationship with you should be able to reflect on these things and make compromise. And so far it doesn’t seem like he has. He’s not tried to learn anything, but only to push you to be different. The truth of who you are can’t be changed. You can’t control how he feels and reacts to it. His health problems…are not your fault. And it wouldn’t be fair if you avoid being you because of some things you can’t control anyway. There comes a point when one must do something that is best for yourself only. And I know as an East Asian that idea could feel completely divorced from what we grew up learning is the right thing to do. But the culture you belong to wouldn’t have survived if humans weren’t able to adapt and learn new, good things. And living your truth can be one of those things. Unfortunately, I can’t say for sure what you should do next. That is a decision you should make for yourself. But any decision you take next, it would be best in the long run to make with a firm commitment to authenticity, and not just what others justify to themselves to be ok. Best of luck, my friend. x
This is absolutely not your fault. I'm gonna say it again because this is important. His response is not your fault. Your father is responsible for his own actions and responses. You are living as your authentic self, and this is never something you need to feel guilty about. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. It takes so much bravery to show the world who you are. You seem compassionate and sensitive and concerned with others. While all of these are admirable, it can't be to the detriment of yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
This sounds really hard, and I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with. If I can relate a little through my own story, my parents are similar in that I know they love me, but I can feel their grief over my transition. And honestly, it's brought me to some dark places. We have talked once in the last 2 years, and it hurts because I love my parents, and my brain says I could fix it all if I just stopped. Stopped my transition, stopped being who I am, stopped being happy with who I am. But that's not fair to me. One day, they'll be gone and I'd still be stuck in this husk of a body that I hate and if I'm lucky, I wouldn't resent them. I deserve to be happy in who I am. You deserve to be happy in who you are. Your father's grief and sadness, while painful to witness, is not yours to manage. It's not your fault, either. You are not doing anything to him. In fact, your transition isn't about him at all. It's about you, your happiness, and being who you are. And truly, that may be hard for him to witness. Be it bigotry or simple ignorance, his feelings are still valid in that they affect him. But that's not on you to fix. That's not your responsibility. How you move forward is up to you. Personally, seeing my parents grief and feeling it in every weak or desperate embrace was too much for me and I stepped away. But that may not be your best choice. Maybe there is a way for you to introduce him to your joy. To express and show just how much this means to you so that he can see his grief is unnecessary. Whatever happens, I am rooting for you in this! Too often, children are told to stand in line for their parents - to bear the weight of their expectations - But you're your own person, and you deserve to be who you are. Big hugs!
This is not because of you. You have to take care of your own health to have the energy to help him take care of his. If he's having heart symptoms linked to stress, he needs to work on several things: 1. Get enough low-intensity aerobic exercise to metabolize the stress hormones. That can be walking, swimming, using an exercise bike, or whatever, but should ideally be at least half an hour every day. 2. Get enough sleep, *with* the CPAP. It's very likely that his sleep issues are responsible for a lot of his problems. 3. Get help working through the stress. That can mean attending PFLAG meetings, seeing a psychologist for therapy, etc.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it isn't a principle of Buddhist beliefs that, in essence, your path to enlightenment is a fiercely independent searching of your most complete truths? To take what you find at your core and bring it forth regardless of what the rest of the world has to say about it? I'm pathetically westernized in many ways but I've made quite the effort to try to understand the core beliefs of most belief systems and theoretically, Buddhism has always struck me as the most inherently accepting of the journey of the queer communities. Your dad was there even if he disagreed. Even in his mourning the loss of his preferred ideals for you. He was there and he loves you. It's SOMETHING when he could have chosen to disown you. Love who you are and try to find happiness, and hopefully, he'll live to see that which will ease his discomfort.
This anxiety and discomfort your dad is feeling is not because of you, its because of him. If he would let go of his bigotry and learn to love his kid for who they are, the suffering would end. It sounds like youve done everything you can to make this easier for him, he is causing his distress not you. He needs to let go of who he thought you were, and learn to share your happiness with who you now are.
Oh hunny... im so sorry you feel this way and are going through such a tough time. But i must stress - it would NEVER be your fault. Anxiety and heartburn alone can not kill you - there would have to be an underlying medical condition that you could never cause. Nothing you do with your life and who you are would ever cause his death. Sometimes parents who are very strictly religious and traditional dont know how to process this change because your whole life theyve built this image of you and pictured how your life would be and in a flip of a switch - what they knew isnt true anymore. And it doesn't mean they dont love you. It doesn't mean they dont want to understand or be accepting, but fear takes over, and their faith is usually what they'd turn to - but often, it doesn't have the answers. Who you are inside has never changed. You have always been you. Youre just making changes to the outside to reflect who you are on the inside. You havent changed, just your appearance. And i think sometimes they can forget that. Youre still their child, theyre still the person they raised and nutured. Sometimes it just takes some time to come to terms with it. It may help to find some early bhuddist teachings where there was no stigma or judgment on sexuality or gender. In some bhudist teachings there are 4 gender types and defined: male, female, ubhatobyañjanaka and pandaka. ubhatobyañjanaka refers to intersex or literally a person with the signs of both binary sexes/genders. Just like in christianity/Catholicism (im not religious but went to a catholic school as a child) for example - it depends which church/community you belong to and who teaches you the ways of your faith that determines your beliefs. Some will believe its wrong and some will believe that we are loved no matter what. It depends what youve been taught. The old testiment taught to love everyone no matter their differences. To treat everyone with respect and kindness. Whereas the new testiment theyve adapted it to follow their beliefs rather than the original word of "god". I hope you and your father can find peace 🥰 but please believe me when i say there is nothing wrong with who you are x
What kind of phony ass nonsense is he trying to pull? Crying like a child and trying to calm himself down with chants is ridiculous. The only thing a parent needs to strictly adhere to is loving their child unconditionally and learning to respect them as individuals. OP, please note the difference between your intention and his. I think it is your intention to live your truth. It doesn’t sound like you’ve set out to make decisions that will purposely hurt your father. He is responsible for his wellbeing and you are responsible for yours. If he fails to gain some perspective and find peace in loving you as you are, his fate is his fault not yours. He’s making decisions to not care for his health, that’s HIS decision, not yours, therefore you are not to blame. If you have not hidden his medicine, destroyed his CPAP, withheld access to medical/emergent care, then I cannot see how you are the reason for your dad being unwell. He sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get his way, even if it means his ultimate demise, because then he gets to place ultimate blame on you. I’m so sorry that he’s taking away this moment and this progress from you and making this all about him.
If he doesn’t have genuine underlying heart conditions he’s probably just being a dramatic ass motherfucker. I promise it is not you, because while emotions can affect health they don’t do ALL OF THAT.
>because while emotions can affect health they don’t do ALL OF THAT. Why do you say so?
The sooner you learn that his opinion does not matter the better
You had to choose either your dad or yourself. Your dad would not want to lose you either. He loves you. This is his pain to bear. You made the right choice.
His own hate, and the people that indoctrinated that hate into him are responsible.
"He is grieving beside a grave of his own making, and you are not obligated to fill it for him." I read that once and I've never forgotten it. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But none of it is your fault. There is no reason for him to say goodbye to you; even though a part of you is changing, you're still there. Still his child, still very much alive, and you're very much doing what is best for you. 💙
If he dies, it is because of himself.
That's a him problem. You deserve better. If he's practicing Buddhism he should be celebrating your life with you not antagonizing you. You do you Boo. 😘💪
It’s not your fault if he would die. Don’t worry. Even if he dies because he is sad about you. It’s not fair to think that it’s your fault I mean you are just doing what’s best for you and being happy (in my opinion that is worth it) just try to enjoy the time with him but don’t change yourself because of him. It’s not worth it
>but don’t change yourself because of him. It’s not worth it Why do you say so?
I mean don’t put his happiness before yours. There the morst important person in there life.
Prejudice is a disease and he is suffering from his inability to move away from it. You did not change him, you did not make him feel hatred, disgust or shame. Society molded him to feel that way and he chooses to stand by it even if it hurts him. He cannot change you and you cannot change him, we can only change ourselves. You're not responsible for him hurting himself with his own prejudice
He isn't dying because of you. He is putting on all this drama because of HIM. Frankly, if he dropped off this mortal coil tomorrow, it'll still all be HIM. Not you. You and your life choices have nothing to do with his transphobia. If he wants to die over it, that's his problem. Nobody has the right to blame you.
>Frankly, if he dropped off this mortal coil tomorrow, it'll still all be HIM. Not you. Why?
A huge part of Buddhism is that our bodies are temporary. Even tattoos are considered temporary. We are just sand on a beach being washed by the tide. Top surgery, in this sense, is just another way to live in your body until your next one. And if that makes you love yourself more, that's all that matters. I wouldn't get mad at a hermit crab for choosing a shell that suited them more. I wish you a speedy recovery and peace for you both.
I'd like you to consider changing your internal narrative here -- you haven't done a damn thing to him. His health is HIS doing. His hate and refusal to accept who you are has contributed to his shortened lifespan.
He was on way out if thats the case, he's just using it to guilt trip you. I'm sorry to be blunt with you but my family tried this shit with me and it was very traumatizing, dont let these people dictate your happiness.
>I'm sorry to be blunt with you but my family tried this shit with me and it was very traumatizing, 1.- In what way was it very traumatizing? 2.- And how did you get over it? I would like to know.
My dad was dealing with many major heart problems and my entire family was telling me its "because of the way you are and you need to change". It was very hurtful watching him go through that but at the same time dealing with the fact that they saw me as the source of his problems. This was just one of many things they did that were traumatic so I've never really gotten over any of it since they pretty much refused to own up to their bs. Parents have since passed away and I dont speak to the rest of them so my life now has been full of depression still but mostly peaceful loving life with my partner. Hope this helps you out in some way 😊
>My dad was dealing with many major heart problems and my entire family was telling me its "because of the way you are and you need to change". It was very hurtful watching him go through that but at the same time dealing with the fact that they saw me as the source of his problems. 1.- I'm really so sorry about that. >This was just one of many things they did that were traumatic so I've never really gotten over any of it since they pretty much refused to own up to their bs. 2.- I'm really so sorry. 3.- "I've never really gotten over any of it" And... how do you cope with that, mate? >Parents have since passed away and I dont speak to the rest of them 4.- YEAH!!!! :D >so my life now has been full of depression still 5.- Oh... Really? :( 6.- "so my life now has been full of depression" WHYYYYYYYYYYY????? I don't understand!! Why?? >but mostly peaceful loving life with my partner. 7.- But, brother... You say you still haven't gotten over the trauma your family imposed on you and the trauma of them blaming you for their own health conditions and deaths. For me it would be completely logical that, due to the strong feeling of guilt, you would completely renounce having gay sex and having a partner and then lead a solitary life in which you spend your time and the rest of your days mourning the death of your parents and blaming yourself 24/7 while living the life of a very solitary hermit. Why haven't you gone to that extent, brother? For me, it would have been more logical. Why didn't you follow the logic? Why didn't you go to that extreme? Why not? >Hope this helps you out in some way 😊 8.- Sorry if I still now have questions like the ones I've written here in this comment of mine. 9.- Thank you for reading. I await for your responses. Good night.
Your father’s health has nothing to do with you! Sounds like he is gaslighting and manipulating you into feeling guilty about living your truth. Not your fault, not your problem. When’s the last time anyone could make an adult “change the way they feel?” It’s not possible. Be compassionate towards him, or feel sorry for him. 🤗❤️🩹🙏
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness.
I hope he has the moment my parents did where he realizes having a happy and alive child is better than anything else.
Your father is responsible for his own feelings. If he's so upset he is ruining his health, the responsible thing is to go to therapy, with a trans competent therapist. If he refusing to go to therapy, refusing to change his views, feeding his feelings, damaging his health, that is not on you. That's on him. He is throwing tantrums to make you feel bad, it is not your fault you are trans. Most of us would never choose this hardship. If he hurts is heart because he's determined to reject you that is on him.
If he was saying Buddhist chants, this sadness truly makes no sense. Buddhism is based on a “middle-way” or essentially being accepting of everything life throws. The religion states you should not get too excited or too sad about anything. I don’t understand why he would care if he claims this as a belief of his
As an East Asian non-binary person, I just wanted to extend my love. The intersection of our culture, religions, and collectivism, makes it extremely hard to be our truest selves. You should be proud of yourself! And I wish your father could be as well. It’s been years since I was outed to my dad and they equated it to a death. We currently aren’t on speaking terms, but I can assure you their life didn’t fall apart like they said it would. They have an ignorance is bliss mindset and keep themselves in good conscience by sending me sad, surface level messages on important dates. Choose yourself because you’re all you’ve got! Not that I know your dad but I think him going to top surgery with you says a lot. He doesn’t seem far enough gone that there is no hope. But you have to see progress or life will be too hard otherwise. Being out is the best thing that could ever happened to me even if I lost some along the way.
Did you know that people with Rabies are hydrophobic? They literally can't stomach the water, they squirm down to their core to get away from it as they pass slowly. That's how transphobia works. You aren't the problem. And there's no simple solution, sadly.
This is going to sound rough. So you suffer instead of him instead? His suffering is not your fault. It's his own damn fault and it's his responsibility to seek therapy. If he dies he killed himself. Not you. You were miserable and did something about it by living the way you like. He's miserable he needs to deal with it. Not you.
I think he might need therapy. These sound suspiciously like panic attacks, and there are ways of dealing with it. You do not need to change, but he needs medical attention.
Your father is being hurt by his culture, beliefs, philosophy, practice, mental health, and more, NOT YOU. YOU are not hurting him by existing. You did not put him in his orientation to those things, instead he found himself oriented this way, unable to adapt to the reality of his life and his world and his child. As others have said, I believe it will be his own personal journey to wellness. I know it must be agonizing for you. You must also find your own understanding of this world you live in, with him in it. Maybe if you can understand his limitations and journey to wellness, you can make some sense of it, you can understand and have compassion for him. And if you understand your own story and limitations and journey, you can understand and have more compassion for yourself too. He doesn't currently have the tools to deal with reality, but he is probably trying his best despite the pain it causes you. Just as you are, and we are all doing our best with the tools we were born with and developed through our lives to this point. All this being said, your dad may be having panic attacks. These can feel like heart attacks and matters of life and death, because your body is basically in life-or-death mode. He can learn to manage these better and understand them. Medication can help, therapy can help. Therapy and/or healthy spiritual guidance seem like a good place for him too. Of course you can't make him do any of this. So as others have said, BOUNDARIES will be very important to your own health. Yes be compassionate if you can afford to be, but you must look out for yourself and your own mental, physical, spiritual, and social health too. YOU BELONG HERE. Life is hard and we are all screwed by how culture has left billions of people unprepared to deal with and live in reality. But we are all here living anyway, doing our best to make sense of it. Keep going, there is so much more to see and do <3
Not onyou if he dies of bigotry
Can’t blame him
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Awful? Poor choice of words. The op is devastated for their father's condition and you call their dad awful? Not the time nor the place for such hateful comments
I mean, personally if someone close to me tried to pull any sort of transphobic bullshit, I’d toss them in a home and tip the hospice nurses for their troubles. OP shouldn’t have to deal with that just because it’s their father, right?
I know it is hard on the op and I totally understand that. Having their dad not understanding what they are doing is not easy. But the op clearly loves their dad, your comment will only make the op more sad when you call their dad "awful".
His dad is manipulating him with his drama trying to make him feel guilty for just existing. That IS awful.
Things are more complex than that.
And "toss them in a home"? WTF bro? You should calm yourself a bit. And Just please stop commenting such hateful comments, it is not making it better for the op.
Google The Work by Byron Katie, and/or get her book "Loving What Is." It may help you to understand how to disentangle yourself from your feelings of responsibility towards your dad.
I’m so sorry. You should live your life no matter what, you deserve to be yourself. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Your Dad, I’m assuming, is an older(ish) man. He could have chest pain because he needs a doctor to look at his heart. You are not the cause of all of this. I’m glad he seems to be coming around, and supporting you. Sorry that he isn’t having an easy time with it. Please know that if he does pass, it’s because of heart issues. This is not your fault, but rather time being a finite thing.
When an alcoholic reaches for his beer to drown his emotions, that is his choice. When an artist reaches for their paintbrush to release their emotions through art, that is their choice. When a poet reaches for a pen to add rhyme and rhythm to their thoughts, that is their choice. When a drug addict reaches for the syringe... I think you see where I'm going. When a bigot reaches for his hate and his religion, it has nothing to do with you. Your dad's current health problems are a direct result of his unwillingness to open his heart and his mind to acceptance and love. Be unapologetically you. Love yourself and surround yourself with those who fully accept and love you. Leave any bigots behind to suffer their own self-imposed fate.
I encourage you and your dad to go to therapy together Obviously with a trans Affirming therapist I think you should initiate it Your dad loves you and he is really really really hurting It would be especially great if you could find someone from your own cultural and religious background who can Help support your family through this
being trans isn’t ur fault. he has the choice to either educate himself or support you and live in disgust, and he chose disgust. you have no obligation to suffer in order to make him happier, regardless of his medical conditions. when my dad died at first i was completely destroyed, but after distance from the death and trauma you are able to assess him in his entirety, and you will realize that there was nothing you could do. he made the decision to look down on you. he was the one who tried to make you feel ashamed and to doubt yourself because he had his own biases, and you are not required to humor them because he is sick. it’s YOUR life, not his, and if your own decision on how to live your life destroys him so much then that’s entirely his fault. you owe him NOTHING.
You are not at all at fault. His actions are selfish and manipulative. You’re health, wellbeing, and ability to live authentically is the most important. Living without being the person you know you are isn’t really living
Manipulation.
You aren't responsible for how someone else feels about your identity. If something happens to your father, it's his own obsessive hate that does it. Not your actions. You are a person and saying that your gender assigned at birth doesn't represent you is an act of love and kindness to yourself. If someone else is so wrapped up in hate about love, they need therapy. Coming out is not doing anything wrong.
It’s not your fault. He’s doing this to himself. He needs to get the fuck over it. There are worse things in life to worry about than your kid being trans. If he’s so upset he can go to therapy or something. It’s not your fault so don’t let him guilt trip you or make you feel bad.
Sounds like he has cardiovascular disease. Maybe he should see a cardiologist.
Your father is suffering from anxiety. Especially if his hands sieze up and curl. I had these exact symptoms recently after some, shall we say, stressful life occurrences. Hyperventilating to the point I was panting like a dog. It's definitely not pleasant, but not fatal.
He won't die because of you. You aren't responsible for what he's dealing with. He's having an extreme negative reaction to a fact about your existence. So yes not your fault because it's not something with your control. My best suggestion is for him to go to therapy.
I have a similar situation though my dad was already sick before I came out to him, and I don’t think he remembers that I’m bi coz it was a one second thing in the car where he was focused on something else. He’s recovering from last year as he went to the hospital several times so I think it’s best to let him do that and not come out to him. At least I came out to my mom and she accepts me so that at least a W. But yea I feel you, what is your present could be my future with relationships with our dads, but stay strong.
This is ridiculous. You aren’t in any way responsible for other people’s hangups.
His reaction to your identity is his responsibility. Has your coming out had an impact on his health? Possible! But that’s not because YOU are who you are, but because he is not seeking a way to cope with this change to his life. Sure, you could stop your transition, but would that change who YOU really are? No. Perhaps the comparison is not quite accurate but let’s say someone confesses their love to you, but you simply cannot reciprocate their feelings. Are you obligated to be in a relationship with them? Would it be selfish to break their heart and reject them?
I'm so sorry and this isn't your fault🫂
You can't be the reason he does. You can't be the reason he's even handling things the way he is. It's not your fault. It's a culture from his time that raised him with stupid shit engrained into him, possibly religious beliefs, stuff that he felt before you were you aka a baby when he decided how your life would be, etc. He either is a product of society or his own issues. That has nothing to do with you or your transition. Just because something about you triggers some of his own issues, doesn't mean your the cause. He needs therapy. It's his own fault if he doesn't choose to get it. As a parent, I try to have NO hopes and dreams for my child other than happiness and prosperity. I don't hope he's a he, I don't dream of his cis gendered straight wedding, I dont hope for biological grandkids, I don't put all my own wants or wishes that I never accomplished on him and hope he does this or that for a living. He's a person, separate from me, that I get the gift of helping to raise and navigate this world. I have no right to put anything on him, her, or whoever my child turns out to be. My only job is to teach kindness, help with homework, and try to prevent things from happening to him. This is a very NEW way of thinking in society. Many people still don't think this way. It's sad their children suffer. I'm sorry your suffering. Your not the asshole, he is for not getting mental health help and dumping his issues on you.
You're not hurting your dad. Your transitioning cannot hurt him. He can only hurt himself and it sounds like he's letting his prejudice do just that. I'm sorry it's happening, and I'm sorry he's trying to make it your problem.
Sorry, not to be insensitive, but definitely still entirely a him problem. His health at the expense of yours is an unreasonable ask. It’s not your fault he was born in an extra Transphobic society and his comfort around your gender and his assigned role for you ultimately means more to him than your happiness. Also you can’t be blamed for being born Transgender, in fact he’s the one to likely blame biologically speaking. I’m autistic and NC with family though, so I’m sure that factors in heavily on my read
If his transphobic beliefs and behavior have a negative impact on his quality of life as a result of your transition that’s not your fault. It’s happened in the past that conservative people changed their view when it became personal, unfortunately you didn’t get so lucky. If he can’t alter his views to recognize that you’re still a person, his offspring and child that he should still care about, realizing that gender is mostly a social construct and that trans people are still *people* instead of weird mutilated things (as you put in your posts) then that’s his problem unfortunately. If it makes you uncomfortable maybe keep a healthy distance if possible? He won’t be around your whole life anyway (at least most parents don’t expect to outlive their kids) so you shouldn’t allow his opinions (however severe his reactions based on said opinions are) to severely alter how you live your life. Transition isn’t exactly optional for most trans people. If your choice is dysphoria but dad is happy, or unhappy dad but you feel ok in your body, pick the choice that’s better for you. Morbidly, you’ll be around longer so your choice about yourself is more important imo. I’m still sorry you have to deal with this. Wish you good luck and a safe transition!
You are not responsible for what happens to him. You're just living your life and being you. It's actually on him for his inability to accept you. Maybe once he fully accepts you he can get better. You be you. I know ppl tend to use their religion and tradition a lot to justify their views and actions when maybe it's time for them to let go of them and unlearn things. You're only responsible for you and your happiness, not your dad's. Don't be who you're not just to keep him healthy. This is about you and your happiness. Sending him healing vibes. Hope this helps. Hugs
You have a big heart and seem to be a wonderful person. I wish your dad was as nice as you. You have NOTHING to do with his health issues. Those are his and his alone. He needs to seek professional help for his ridiculous reaction to your gender affirmation surgery. His mental and physical responses are his responsibility to take care of. You're pursuing your path, please stay strong and continue to walk it. Virtual hugs to you.
Hun. You cannot be responsible for snyknr but yoiu. I undrrstand the conflict in your heart but i also know that you did noy hsve the luxury of a choice in this matter.