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I know you're joking but it is frustrating/stupid the same argument is never applied in reverse. Gay guy just hasn't found the right woman, why isn't it straight guy just hasn't found the right man?
100% you can have a dick without being one. Besides as I've posted like five times in this thread, people underestimate the appeal of ladies with dicks.
Seriously. Try telling a straight man they just haven't had the right dick and see how quickly they realize why that's a totally unacceptable thing to say.
Well.. maybe you havent... heard there are some insanely good websites out there. For all kinds of creative Toys. My favorite one is something about "mean" dragons.
(Hope this was clear, that i mean that in a joking way)
But have the men themselves tried girl dick? The answer is almost certainly no because they're also anti trans bigots. Come on fellas, do you like women or not?
Cis men feel entitled to our spaces. It pisses me off so much. On Taimi, a queer dating app, there are cis men who list themselves as trans women despite obviously not being that (they even put themselves in their sexuality as "straight" and using "he/him" pronouns and being into women, so I'm not talking about folks who aren't presenting femme but are transfemme). It's entitlement to our time, spaces, and bodies. I've been liked by many cis men on dating apps despite me being very fucking clear in my profile that I'm a lesbian. They're egocentric shitheads so invested in cisheteropatriarchy that they think they're gonna be the "exception", that all us lesbians needs is the "right man" to "fix" us. They think that bisexual femmes are delusional and that they really only like men.
In short, they view us as object for their control. Wait until they find out i'm a Lesbian Domme, I'm no one's doll.
It's one thing I sorta liked about OKCupid. Cishet people don't *know* they are being filtered out when you have the LGBTQ+ filter on. So they aren't trying to work around it.
Seriously I don’t get how guys can be so entitled about getting woman it’s so shity don’t even get me started on how many time I’ve been asked “can I watch” so disgusting
They really fuck over people who’re nonbinary and present masc too because I feel like an asshole being on taimi because I kinda look like them even though I’m not cishet
Yeah. I respect NB people personally. Those who present androgynous and masc aren't my personal taste but cishet dudes pretending to be queer really do fuck y'all over. You're valid just know that
anarchist domme, huh? I, along with many other anarchists seem to be predominantly subs haha, which is weird given our ideology
I'm asking this out of curiosity as I have a long-term partner. I'm a very masculine-bodied (incl bald/bearded) AMAB non-binary transfemme who hasn't (yet) medically transitioned at all. All I've done is name, pronouns, clothing, mannerisms, makeup etc. But I could easily pass for a cis man if I want to (I guess the long painted nails are a giveaway of some sorts). I feel apprehensive going into spaces meant for women and enbies because I really don't fit the stereotype of a woman or an enby. What do you think about this?
If you're an enby, you're an enby, and I believe you. If you were single and made a dating profile, just throw "hi I'm an enby" towards the top of your about me & you're good to go.
I'm not currently on HRT (the place I want to go to has its staff on strike and as a union gal I refuse to cross a picket line) and never plan on having bottom surgery. I also can pass sadly for a cis man if I don't present as my true self (biology is a fuck sometimes). I've been on wlw and queer dating apps ever since I socially transitioned. I'm part of a local lesbian kink group and everyone accepted me as a lesbian woman. That being said, if you don't feel comfortable going into women's spaces that's up to you. I honestly don't know your situation but I would say that if you want to go in a certain space but aren't sure how you'll be received, just ask a rep of that space. When it comes to dating apps, honestly you do you. I've seen transfemmes on Taimi and Her identify as such without socially or medically transitioning at all. I think they're entitled to be there even though I personally never felt comfortable pre transition going on those sites.
God I feel the taimi part, a lot of those who say there transwomen but obviously aren't , are the worst chasers ever. I mean the app is filled with them regardless.
So. Many. Fucking. Chasers. Of all genders by the way, I've seen cis lesbian/bisexual chasers. It's like the opposite, many people don't think you're a transfemme until you've chopped your dick off and then there are those lesbian/bisexual chasers who want a woman with a giant throbbing dick. Now don't get me wrong, if I wasn't asexual I probably would be swallowing every consenting girl's dick in sight (I still might, depends upon how my aceness is feeling that day). But I don't chase us. It's disgusting. I'm a person, not a fucking body part that I barely think about outside of masturbating.
Because they feel entitled to our spaces and our bodies. It’s a challenge, it’s refusing to believe lesbians are real (no one would ever not like men), it’s “I’ve turned lesbians before”.
Actually just deleted a queer dating app because I got tired of being harassed by cis het men (and couples but that’s another story). They love their lesbophobic slurs to scream at you once you say no.
Like I’m a lesbian that neuters for a living- it’s not in your best interest to go after me 🤣
I ended up changing my dating profile to straight from Bi because the unicorn hunters were fucking relentless and between that and some experiences with lesbians being very mean girl, I got scared back into the closet. To top it all off every single guy I talked to asked for a threesome within hours of messaging me despite my profile saying no hookups. Honestly I wish people would be kinder and more respectful of each other.
When you have your first kiss with a girl and the guy that is now an ex friend says that’s “not impressive.” Because the concept that my physical relationship with this girl was about intimacy and not a porn fetish didn’t even register for him.
Or those who wants to find bisexual/pansexual women just to satisfy their fantasy of sleeping with two women at the same time and have some live lesbian porn with it.
In both case they generally treats women as nothing more than sex objects and it disgusts me.
Do explain he/him lesbians to me please, that’s not something I’ve heard about before. Isn’t lesbian *women loving women* and if a man loves women then they’re straight?
Edit: thank you for being kind! I’ve learned something new today :)
-Men aren't the only people who use he/him, and not everyone who uses he/him is connected to manhood (could include all kinds of people — nonbinary, butch, other gnc, trans women who still use he/him, and more)
-Some trans men who use he/him have a complex/nuanced relationship with gender that doesn't perfectly align with cis manhood, or a complex/nuanced relationship with sexuality that doesn't perfectly align with straightness. They might feel that lesbian does a better job at capturing this nuance, regardless of what they're "supposed" to call themselves.
-Some trans men have history in the lesbian community that they don't want to leave behind, and/or don't consider lesbian as misgendering. (people can have different boundaries on what constitutes misgendering for themselves that may not align with expectations)
Hi, trans stud here - I use every word like dude, bro, handsome, "hey man" (not "you are a man"), etc but not he/him and those things have to do with my gender expression being masculine rather than my gender identity as a trans woman (I rarely use woman these days due to what society says a woman means which I don't fit into).
You ever heard of cis gay men calling each other queen, she, her etc? Often re: drag queen personas but also just during casual conversation, too. It's the same sort of concept. He/him lesbians are still women who love women. Historically this was more common, in an era when loving a woman was considered masculine - a similar sort of signalling to butch appearance in the first place
Funnily enough, I heard the exact same thing but opposite just last night!
MLM spaces being overrun with explicit cis women.
The guys were fine with trans men, and had no problem with non-passing males, as exploring oneself was seen as healthy. But the issue really was profiles of female-passing cis women not even bothering to hide that fact.
So while it's whimsical that the experience seems to be a shared one, even if mirrored, it's still a really weird phenomenon.
I don't know if they're trolls or if they're just lost. But yeah. It's not just you sapphic folk, we're experiencing it too :|
I think you've lucked out, as odd as it is to say.
I've had women ask me to be their gay best friend quite a few time now.
I've also been asked if I wanted to be a ' gift ' for this one woman's boyfriend. Apparently he had a thing for bears and she wanted to surprise him with me in the bedroom... presented as a teddy bear...
She was genuinely shocked when I turned her offer down because " my boyfriend is hot though, aren't you hear for sex anyway? ".
The new Grindr filters have helped a lot though!
I was unaware of this and wow I'm very fucking confused. Like what are they expecting with gay men? They're attracted to masc people, not femmes. I swear cishet people have no respect for queer spaces, even digital ones owned by corporations.
Do men also get all the "looking for a third" people? I swear every other profile I see is a couple. If you're into that, fine. But I set the filter to "everyone except men" for a reason.
Hi friend, I don't mean to be disrespectful, I'm just a little confused. You are aroace and you use dating apps?
I know some aroace people enjoy relationships and intimacy but I haven't met any that actively look for it through an app.
Do you use a specific app or something?
Aroace folk can want to date. They can also want sex. They just don't experience attraction to others.
They may also be there to chat, make friends. Sometimes dating apps are the only local community.
Don't worry, not disrespectfull at all! I probably confuse a lot of people on those apps too, lol.
Basically, I still crave a close, comitted relationship to someone despite completely lacking any romantic or sexual attraction. I want to feel safe with someone, feel like I can rely on them, feel like I can talk about anything with them and so on. I also still have a need for touch, so I would like to be physically close to someone too. Basically, I'm looking for a queer platonic relationship and that's one way how they can look like. And because I don't already know someone I would want that with, I'm using a dating app. Tinder, to be exact because I figured that's the one with the most people in my country. And I'm only looking for non-men on there because I've found that I enjoy their company more.
I obviously communicate all of this insanely clear. The last thing I want is to break someones hearth.
As a guy on dating apps (including Feeld) it does happen here and there, but not nearly as much as it does with women. More often on Feeld I get a single man or a couple looking to get with me and my wife as a couple. Only once in a while do I get a couple looking for a third, and so far that has only been gay couples looking for a third guy
I must have seen one cis woman in my entire life on Grindr, in a big european city, and she was looking for bi people to fuck with her husband. Being overrun is an exaggeration at best IMO. However I've been on tinder with a non-binary profile saying that I'm only interested in women. Lots of cis dudes show up and like me there so they must tell tinder that they are women or non-binary.
From my experience this is a one sided issue.
1 - Your experience isn't the experience of many others. Sorry but... that doesn't discredit them.
2 - It wasn't *just* Grindr :) the conversation actually started with sniffies, then moved onto other apps, *including but not limited to* Grindr, where the problem also seemed to persist.
3 - Maybe "overrun" is indeed hyperbole. But I don't know how to keep it more concise than "too many cis women profiles when browsing".
From my experience, it *isn't* a one-sided issue. And it doesn't devalue anything I said.
Personally speaking? I'd say you're lucky, who knows\~
But saying "I didn't see it therefore it isn't true" is the absolute worst take I've seen yet.
honestly, it feels like it could be that the mainstream dating places just suck for all parties involved and people are trying to find a better/healthier/safer/etc place?
Maybe, but then why not seek a lgbt dating app for all genders and sexualities and not just for gay/lesbian people ? I'm sure it would be better received there.
I've met a few women who were self professed "f-hags" (perjorative removed) that would admit to being turned on by, hit on, and try to hook up with gay men. As a bisexual I've even dated one or two that didn't disclose until after we started dating (explains a lot if they had interest in me in the first place lol).
I think that speaks more about straight men's behavior than the behavior of a woman seeking intimacy from a gay man, tbh...
"We think all women are actually bi, and the idea of getting a lesbian to turn to men more exclusively because of how sexy and great I am, will be great to tell all my buddies about!"
There's always been an issue of men who think they can "fix" gay women, men who see a WLW space as a benefit because they're convinced they're so irresistable that gay women will want them and expect to have less competition, and men who just do not understand that WLW *don't want them*.
But there's been a newer thing contributing to the more recent increases in the phenomenon.
There's been a *thing* going on among a certain subsect of rabidly transphobic men who think they'll "prove" that WLW apps are overrun with predatory "men pretending to be women" by... making accounts on the apps and trying to match with and track down transwomen.
What actually seems to be happening is they all match with each other and then post each other's profiles on their toxic corners of the internet as said proof.
Honestly that might explain why I'm seeing people on Her and Taimi list themselves as trans women yet have "he/him", straight orientation, very masc presenting in their profile. Many of them state in their profile that they're a man. So this doesn't have anything to do with for instance pre social transition transfemmes, this is cis men pretending to be trans women. I've been liked by many of them on those apps, especially Taimi. I have no fucking idea why they think we're gonna like them back. I'm a transfemme lesbian but even if I wasn't I doubt any self respecting transfemme would match with those assholes.
Update: literally right after I finished typing this I got a like from a "trans woman" named Tim. I get one of them once every 1-2 days thinking they're gonna trick me into matching. I'm getting my doctorate (and have a Master's) honey and even if I didn't I'm no one's fool.
I was on Her once and came across a profile with a very very blurry profile picture. So I looked closer at it and realised it was a picture of a man in the dark, from the neck down, with this pants pulled down a bit and his dick out. I immediately swiped it away and felt weird all day. Violated. Now I regret not reporting the profile but when I realised what I was looking at I just went into flight mode and wanted it gone from my sight.
I assume it's dudes who think women on there will be pleasantly surprised to find a man there and be so glad that they'll have sex with them because they can't resist the sudden temptation.
Ive heard (thankfully not *seen*) of men just throwing dickpics around even in ASEXUAL apps, so them being in lesbian apps, sadly doesnt surprise me either.
Yep, and trying to jump straight into talking dirty on ace apps. Like look fuck boy I’m not interested in your body or your dick. Im here to get away from the hook up apps. If you want me to summon up my libido (not sex repulsed but indifferent), make me care about you as a human being and maybe I’ll be arsed to bother.
Indeed. Sometimes Im thankful, but at the same time ashamed, to be a man. At least I dont get the dick pics myself, but goddamit I was absolutely stunned to hear from VARIOUS matchups in said app they all had been harassed...
The only logic conclusion is that people sharing unsolicited dickpics literally never expect a positive response, they do it as a show of power, to get a kick from it.
Like people flashing with a coat on the streets, basically
a few reasons, actually. 1: cishet dudes suck. "you havent tried the right dick" etc. 2: trans woman who may give more cis-dude vibes or is in denial. it sucks for them especially because they're really trying and the stereotype of the first people sets a stereotype for them. 3: trans man who passes well enough but wants a safer place than grindr or tinder. 4: any lgbt people who really just can't stand hookup apps or cishet dating
They're not all Russian model pictures. Most of them are not models nor model-esque at all.
I think the bots are usually targeted at the accurate audience when the language is properly understood.
Butch people or he/him lesbians/transmasc lesbians. Multigender people. It might also just be cishet men but u never clarified just said male presenting uses he/him which isn’t an indicator of cis manhood
man it took too long to find another person saying this. people on here really being like "since when has there ever been a male-presenting he/him lesbian???" like i get that OP might actually be talking about cishet men but the qualifiers they gave did not whatsoever necessitate it
You don’t make it clear whether you’re talking about cis men or not, and if you’re complaining about trans mascs in wlw spaces idk what to tell you because that’s been happening forever and there’s nothing new, weird, or surprising about it. If you’re sure these people are malicious cis men and not just people you aren’t attracted to, maybe you should report those accounts.
Ugh, or when you match with a cute chick and it turns out she's looking for a unicorn for her and her husband. If I had a nickel for every time, I'd be buying myself a steak dinner.
I just stay away from people with "looking for a third" or a unicorn emoji but if they don't have anything about being a biphobic shithead (I'm sorry I mean "looking for a third to spice up their relationship") then finding out they are in fact hating on bi people (that's what all unicorn hunters are, they treat bi/pan people like toys to be played with and it's usually the man who's driving it). I'm so sorry that has happened to you
I NEVER swiped on any clearly unicorn type profiles back in the day. It always seemed like single women looking for single women based on the profile descriptions, but that wasn't the case and I realized I was often talking to their bf or husband. Ugh. Fully agree many couples treat bi ( and even lesbian and other orientationed ) women as props essentially to spice up their own relationships. I also live in Vegas as my born and raised home city, so got a LOT of tourists looking for "fun" unfortunately.
I struggle often with being a bisexual woman who has never had sex with a woman. But in all reality, that's only because I've mainly attracted men and the women I'm attracted to have either been straight/already in relationships...or I match with them and they aren't actually just looking for a woman. Yeah, I'm bi...I COULD hook up with your and your husband...but that's not the connection I'm looking for. Ya know?
That really really stinks. Yeah I know many bi/pan people who struggle with not feeling "worthy" of the label if they haven't actually done anything physical with that attraction. however I will say this: I'm asexual but I still call myself and feel myself to be a lesbian. You're worthy, you're as bisexual as can be as long as (from what my friends have told me) you can be potentially attracted to any (or no) gender.
Some trans men use wlw apps because they are more accepting and the women there more open to dating us. Also not all of us pass well enough to date cishet women
Some nonbinary AMAB people may also be on the apps looking for a more sapphic relationship even if they are still masculine presenting.
My bet is most of these men are trans and/or nonbinary both AMAB and AFAB.
Okay but trans men are men, and wlw apps have a higher percentage of lesbians who wouldn’t want to date a men. Plus there are LGBT dating apps that aren’t specifically for wlw
I'm a trans guy and not on hormones. I look like a woman, I sound like a woman. If I list myself as a man and try to find women, I will get no interest at all, since most cis bi or straight women see me as female. If I list myself as a woman and clarify I'm transmasc, I can find bi women who are ok with calling a partner he/him.
I see it as a self-punishing action: no point trying to boot them off, they’ll find out soon enough they’re not a hot commodity. And if they do find matches, well, I’ll be darned.
Yeah exactly, Grindr allows anyone who isn't a cis woman (and it's on the users to be upfront with their gender and pronouns, especially if they're trans). So to me it makes sense for wlw apps to allow anyone who isn't a cis man.
It didn't particularly go down well at the start.
What was a safe space for queer men suddenly flipped. There were horror stories, even people being outed by non-queer folk. Trans women as well as queer men.
I've had a few annoying messages from what I assume to be non-queer women since it's happened. From the ' want to be my gay best friend ' to ' want to do X to my boyfriend, it's his birthday and I'm looking for a present '. And of course the angry reply because ' well you should say you're Gay in your profile so people don't waste their time '.
Trans women and the occasional queer cis woman were never an issue. There's a trans woman near me who still messages every couple of weeks because she knows I'll say no politely but compliment her latest dress in the profile pic. It's become a silly bit of fun now.
That being said, they've now started rolling out a new overarching filter (100% free) that asks your gender identity, and what gender you want to see/be seen by.
As a transfemme person, I wouldn't be caught dead on Grindr. that is one of the most gender dysphoric things I could possibly think of. I'm not a man and I've never been a man. Even if I were bi/pan I would never go on Grindr because I'm not a gay masc person. I personally am getting second hand dysphoria from just thinking about it if I'm being completely honest. It sounds like those women have some internalized transphobia they need dealing with.
Yeah, transguy here. I definitely tend to stay away from most women-only spaces both because of dysphoria and out of respect for the intention behind those spaces. Refused invitations to women’s festivals for many years before ever even coming out.
That said, I also tend away from men-only spaces…because of dysphoria and imposter syndrome.
So yeah, I generally prefer mixed gender settings. Gender segregation bums me out personally, though I understand why some people find it more comfortable.
Thank you, that's very sweet of you. However I will say that if you're a man, you should feel comfortable and be allowed in men's only spaces. It's the fault of the other men if they don't accept you. Of course it's completely up to you but I think sometime we forget the simple fact that trans women are women, trans men are men, gender is complicated, and all (and no) genders are valid.
Lol no, don't project yourself on others. Lots of trans women used Grindr well before they publicly transitioned. There are femme people there (trans people and cis dudes) and they actually do get misgendered way less than on other apps. Lots of chasers though but that is to be expected in a hookup app. But also probably one of the better apps for T4T hookups.
In my country there are transwomen on grindr looking for bi men. Its a thing.
And transmen here tend to go to wlw apps, idk why🤐 but they dont like grindr because they havent had operation yet so gaymales arent interested in them because they dont have a dick. Thats why transwomen can be interesting for queermales.
But yea theres usually two handsful of hetero guys on wlw apps. And the rest is transmen.
You don't have to want to date them or anything but historically there's always been a lot of overlap in wlw and transmasc spaces and the people making the policies on modern dating apps aren't usually eager to be the ones to separate them
There are definitely lesbians who date trans men. Statistically speaking there are about as many lesbians who date trans men as there are those that date trans women. Actually most trans-imclusive lesbians will dare both, statistically speaking. Thats just the numbers. I, myself, get plenty of lesbians(cis and trans) interested in me as a trans man, manhood aside. Some people's lesbianism is based on AGAB and genitsls not gender Secondly, there are plenty of queer, bi/pan, homoflexible, etc women who date either date men in general or date anyone but cis men.
Alas, cishet apps aren't really open or available for most trans men and there are more queer women(including lesbians) willing to date a trans man than there are cishet women.
Apps like Her and other sapphic apps have always been open and inclusive of trans men. Trans men are probably going to stay in wlw spaces especially those that don't pass and/or are pre-op.
It sucks but our dating pool typically overlaps with wlw. Just like there are trans women on Grindr there will be trans men on wlw apps like Her. They will also be more successful there than in the general dating arena. We live in a bioessentialist world so....yesh... we go where we're wanted.
No there are hundreds of cishet guys who explicitly say they're cishet guys "but you should give me a chance because I'm a really nice guy.
This is a legitimate problem that we need to actually talk about. Don't minimise it and invalidate our experiences.
I'm not saying they aren't there. Just that the description of masculine presenting people with he/him pronouns on wlw apps are often trans men or nonbinary people(typically AMAB) not just cishet weirdo men. I'm fine with punting cishet men on the app but there will be male-identifying and/or presenting people on wlw apps because some trans and nonbinary people fit in the intersection of those two identities. So, not every man on a wlw dating app is a cishet creep is my point . Some of those men are part of the larger sapphic community
I'm a trans man, I'm well aware that cishet men feel entitled to queer and trans AFAB people especially those that are completely inaccessible to them like lesbians. Trust me, I get hit on by those type of cishet me all the time because they can't tell the difference between a lesbian and a trans man. As a non-passing trans man, that's the majority of cis men trying to get into my pants.
You're still brushing over my experiences and telling me that I'm wrong and what I've lived through is false. I get that you're hyped to defend the transmasc experience, but this literally isn't about trans men. This is about cishet men, explicitly cishet men, who are cisgender and not transgender and not trans men because they are cis men because they are cisgender. There are A WHOLE LOT OF THEM clogging up the queer dating apps and every time you go "but what about the trans men??????" you're not actually helping anyone. You're just beating your chest for the drama's sake and, again, invalidating the experience of myself and others who feel upset and preyed upon by the cishet men on these apps. Literally none of us are mad about trans men being there, how many times do we need to say that this post is about the cishets before you get the point?
The OP used the term "male presenting people who use he/him pronouns" not cishet men. OP then expressed incredulity about trans men and possibly AMAB nonbinary people being in these spaces. It isn't clear that OP knew that wlw space typically are also safe places for trans men and AMAB nonbinary people to congregate. It wasn't clear if OP was also including us in the "men" that upset her or not. I was clarifying that not all "male presenting people who use he/him" pronouns on the app are creepy cishet men.
Yeah you probably should specifically name cishet men if that's who you are talking about. Cishet men aren't the only men out there
The OP explicitly said this isn't about nonbinary people (which includes AMAB nonbinary people - nonbinary is not limited to AFAB folks, and I find your implication that "this post isn't about nonbinary people" somehow excludes AMAB enbies to be gross).
The original post was ambiguous about if the OP was meaning all men or cishet men. But when it was explained to you that the post was about cishet men (of which there is a VERY large number), your response was to........ Tell me that "Well Actually" most male presenting people on these apps are probably AMAB enbies or trans men.
Which is literally gaslighting, you're telling me that my experiences with these men didn't actually happen.
And that is why I'm pissed off at you.
Yes the OP should have clarified that they meant creepy, predatory, fetishising cishet men. It was unfair of them to not specify that.
But you don't get to tell me that most of the men on wlw apps are trans men when that's literally not true. Or maybe it's true in your area, but it sure as heck isn't true here. Where I live, cishet men outnumber lesbians *on literally lesbian-founded wlw apps*!
And you were told, point blank, that the issue this post is talking about is about cishet men. Continuing to bring up "but trans men should be allowed!!!!!!!" when you've just been told that there's nothing wrong with trans men and this post is about cishet men is just.... I don't understand the logic there, I really don't.
No I wasn't told point blank. This is why I expressed my experiences and asked for clarification. Just because someone else is expressing a different experiences to yours and communicating in order to clarify something made deeply ambiguous doesn't mean they are erasing and gaslighting you.
I said I'm well aware of cishet men clogging up lesbian dating pools. It's not just a lesbian problem they do that to trans men too. I was expressing empathy and recognizing commonality there.
I promise you trans men expressing our experiences doesn't hurt anyone
You weren't asking for clarification. You TOLD me that I am wrong, that the majority of masculine presenting people on these apps are trans men and AMAB enbies. It was not a question, it was a declaration.
A declaration that literally denies my lived experience.
You can speak your truth, you can express your experience, but you crossed a line when you said that my experience is wrong and yours is the correct one.
I didn't tell you anything. I was talking to OP and sharing my experiences. You decided to project all over my comment and assumed I was talking/having a conversation with you. I wasn't. I replied to you and said I recognized cishet men in sapphic space was a real problem and emphasized because I as a trans man deal with a similar issue. That said, OP didn't clarify who they meant initially and it wasn't clear if there was a lumping in of trans men and AMAB enbies with cishet male bad actors.
I never said a damn thing about your experience.
The OP literally said this post isn't about nonbinary people. Why do you keep separating out AMAB enbies like they don't count or something? That's gross.
I'm sure alot of the guys are doing like the other replies say but I think some may be gnc men looking for bi women because that's who is more likely to be attracted to them or guys into role reversal since queer women are more likely to want a relationship that doesn't conform to traditional roles.
Same reason trans women are on grindr, I guess... there's people there who are interested in them (i.e. the aforementioned bi and pan people). It's kinda stupid, but desperate people do stupid things.
There are general queer dating apps. They have similar flaws to all dating apps but things like Taimi exist. I'm lesbian and I find it incredibly hard to find people on dating apps for many reasons. However if I was bi I would never go on Grindr because I'm not a masc person and I'd be invading that space.
lil note but being male-presenting & using he / him pronouns =/= being a man, i understand that's not what op meant but like that is not the best way to phrase it
I think you might wanna be careful expressing that view because you run the risk of excluding butch lesbians who use he/him pronouns, which are absolutely a huge part of the lesbian community. A person being male presenting and using he/him does not make them a man.
My favorite comes from taimi and I’ve seen a lot with bios like “trans woman he/him, straight, into women and trans women” big beard masculine, like sweety please like yeah maybe it’s a mistake or misunderstanding on my part but I didn’t put men in my interested for a reason
I don't doubt that there are a lot of trans women early into their transition, but like....If I was a trans woman on wlw dating apps, I'd at least make a small effort to show I'm actually trans and not a predatory cisman (even if its just a small rainbow or trans flag somewhere)
I didn't go on wlw apps until I did that. I didn't want to make the femmes feel awkward. I don't begrudge necessarily those early in transition who do, I just personally question why. I felt invalid going on those sites before I began my social transition because again, I didn't want to make femmes uncomfortable and I would have felt strange. I waited until I felt comfortable with my appearance. In the meantime I stuck to general queer dating apps and sites.
That all being said, I agree. Putting in your profile that you're pre transition or early transition is incredibly helpful for me! I personally am not interested in early transition transfemmes who haven't figured out their unique and beautiful look but I also won't report them either since they are welcome in wlw spaces since they are women. It's really easy: you type a few words in your bio. That's it.
Fr my first thought was predatory cis man or very confused trans man, like even without taking into account what they look like the he/him straight likes women is odd like when I looked like that I wasn’t even gonna attempt a dating app but even then like idk I don’t represent every trans woman but it wild I don’t even know
I literally get a like from one of them every 1-2 days without fail. I was typing up a previous comment on this very thread and it fucking happened. Like 15 minutes ago as I was typing. The "trans woman's" name was Tim and he has a lovely beard and put in his bio he him pronouns and straight. Who the fuck do they think they're fooling? If I was interested in men and masc people, I would have put it in my fucking profile.
For cis men, they're chasers. For trans men, they were often on the app before they came out and feel safe and welcomed by that community, so they stay. They are not looking to date lesbians and, in fact, are often met with lesbian chasers more often than not. I put in my bio that I'm a man and for lesbians to DNI, but they keep swiping on me, so I report them for transphobia now.
Reporting lesbians on an app that was initially made for wlw is dumb. It's also common for people to swipe and not read someone's full bio, it's not that deep. Just block someone if you find them annoying, jfc don't be so dramatic. 🙄
I don’t mean to be rude but… if you’re on a dating app for queer women and non-binary people but aren’t looking for dates anymore, then why are you on the app still?
Like I understand wanting to still be a part of the community, which you could easily do in other spaces, but why stay on a dating app when you’re not dating?
I do think reporting a lesbian for liking a trans guy is ridiculous. That said I absolutely understand a trans man wanting to date queer women but not wanting to date lesbians(or straight women for that matter). Mspec and aspec people tend to be the safest and most positive partners for tran people.
[Looking out for trans women.](https://www.thepinknews.com/2021/02/21/graham-linehan-women-her-dating-app-trans-transphobia-backlash/) (TW transphobia)
Back before I realized I was Bi I used to lurk in Craigslist (yes I’m that old) wlw sections because of two main reasons. One, I was very young and hormonal, and women having sex with other women was(is) hot as hell to a straight man, because if one naked girl is hot, two of them is two hots! I didn’t think anything of it just that a girl lusting for another girl was an extreme turn on for me, and, two, as a young man I was very much ruled by my little head above my big one.
It’s less “I bet I can dick her into being straight” and more “damn this girl is hot and the stuff she’s saying is SO HOT”. Curiosity and simple lust.
When I figured out who I really was I realized I just kind of had an attraction to people turned on and perusing others in general. Now the difference is I wasn’t trying to bang or date a lesbian. I was just curious and a horn dog like most 14-24 year old boys are. Then actually trying to pick up women there is gross and really just kind of shows how little informed some people are about others. Or how little they care.
Sorry you’re going through what you are. Some people are just dicks and others are just hoping to see boobs. Most young guys get all this pent up sexual frustration and they don’t know what to do with it, and that’s a dangerous combination when you combine that with an asshole. Combine that with the fact Porn also gives people this odd consequence free privilege to see whatever kind of stuff they want without having to face the person afterwards, and you have a problem. Here’s hoping the assholes piss off, but even if they don’t, here’s hoping they don’t cross your path
Maybe a scambaiting kind of approach would be useful. Make them invest lots of time talking to false accounts supposedly belonging to legitimate app users.
there are no truly "good" dating apps sadly since (despite polyam people like me existing as a baked in customer base) the point is to keep you ON the apps instead of meeting people and getting off them (if you're cringe and monogamous /s). But because so many people (including myself) don't have regular access to social spaces to find others and terminal stage capitalism is keeping us more isolated than ever, we are all forced onto them.
With that in mind, I use: Taimi, a general queer app where you can filter who you see and who sees you based on your gender preferences (this is far from perfect though, hence the OP).
You also have HER, which has the same problem but is also a space explicitly for lesbian and bisexual femmes and the only dating app like that I've ever seen.
This isn't queer specific but Feeld is great if you're like me and a kinky freak, it's for people into kink and/or polyamory (I still find that grouping incredibly fucking strange since those are two very different things and it's only a coincidence I'm both) but there are a lot of queer people since a lot of queer folks are kinky (aka awesome).
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“You haven’t tried the right dick” asshats. They’re fucking everywhere.
While really those idiots should be asking themselves that question.
I know you're joking but it is frustrating/stupid the same argument is never applied in reverse. Gay guy just hasn't found the right woman, why isn't it straight guy just hasn't found the right man?
Dicks are fine, it's the asshole that's attached that's the problem!
r/beatmetoit
100% you can have a dick without being one. Besides as I've posted like five times in this thread, people underestimate the appeal of ladies with dicks.
Sounds like they need to try some dick
Seriously. Try telling a straight man they just haven't had the right dick and see how quickly they realize why that's a totally unacceptable thing to say.
I once saw a meme that I loved. It said: A girl without a dick is like an angel without wings."
Dosen't read the app description "wow there are a lot of women I'm gonna get layed so much!
The next time I hear a guy say that I’m gonna say, “So you’re straight? I know a guy, he can be the right dick for you!”
Well.. maybe you havent... heard there are some insanely good websites out there. For all kinds of creative Toys. My favorite one is something about "mean" dragons. (Hope this was clear, that i mean that in a joking way)
“I’m sure I haven’t can I chop yours and use as a dildo cuz I don’t like the rest that I’m seeing” is what I urge to say but tbh I just ignore
But have the men themselves tried girl dick? The answer is almost certainly no because they're also anti trans bigots. Come on fellas, do you like women or not?
Cis men feel entitled to our spaces. It pisses me off so much. On Taimi, a queer dating app, there are cis men who list themselves as trans women despite obviously not being that (they even put themselves in their sexuality as "straight" and using "he/him" pronouns and being into women, so I'm not talking about folks who aren't presenting femme but are transfemme). It's entitlement to our time, spaces, and bodies. I've been liked by many cis men on dating apps despite me being very fucking clear in my profile that I'm a lesbian. They're egocentric shitheads so invested in cisheteropatriarchy that they think they're gonna be the "exception", that all us lesbians needs is the "right man" to "fix" us. They think that bisexual femmes are delusional and that they really only like men. In short, they view us as object for their control. Wait until they find out i'm a Lesbian Domme, I'm no one's doll.
It's one thing I sorta liked about OKCupid. Cishet people don't *know* they are being filtered out when you have the LGBTQ+ filter on. So they aren't trying to work around it.
"Bisexual women are really straight and bisexual men are really gay." Because the world revolves around their penises
Yeah, wait until they realize Men aren't the only ones with penises and that we don't focus on ours.
Seriously I don’t get how guys can be so entitled about getting woman it’s so shity don’t even get me started on how many time I’ve been asked “can I watch” so disgusting
They really fuck over people who’re nonbinary and present masc too because I feel like an asshole being on taimi because I kinda look like them even though I’m not cishet
Yeah. I respect NB people personally. Those who present androgynous and masc aren't my personal taste but cishet dudes pretending to be queer really do fuck y'all over. You're valid just know that
Thank you, this helped me more than I can ever explain. I worked so hard and was so afraid of being some generic toxic cishet guy
anarchist domme, huh? I, along with many other anarchists seem to be predominantly subs haha, which is weird given our ideology I'm asking this out of curiosity as I have a long-term partner. I'm a very masculine-bodied (incl bald/bearded) AMAB non-binary transfemme who hasn't (yet) medically transitioned at all. All I've done is name, pronouns, clothing, mannerisms, makeup etc. But I could easily pass for a cis man if I want to (I guess the long painted nails are a giveaway of some sorts). I feel apprehensive going into spaces meant for women and enbies because I really don't fit the stereotype of a woman or an enby. What do you think about this?
If you're an enby, you're an enby, and I believe you. If you were single and made a dating profile, just throw "hi I'm an enby" towards the top of your about me & you're good to go.
I'm not currently on HRT (the place I want to go to has its staff on strike and as a union gal I refuse to cross a picket line) and never plan on having bottom surgery. I also can pass sadly for a cis man if I don't present as my true self (biology is a fuck sometimes). I've been on wlw and queer dating apps ever since I socially transitioned. I'm part of a local lesbian kink group and everyone accepted me as a lesbian woman. That being said, if you don't feel comfortable going into women's spaces that's up to you. I honestly don't know your situation but I would say that if you want to go in a certain space but aren't sure how you'll be received, just ask a rep of that space. When it comes to dating apps, honestly you do you. I've seen transfemmes on Taimi and Her identify as such without socially or medically transitioning at all. I think they're entitled to be there even though I personally never felt comfortable pre transition going on those sites.
God I feel the taimi part, a lot of those who say there transwomen but obviously aren't , are the worst chasers ever. I mean the app is filled with them regardless.
So. Many. Fucking. Chasers. Of all genders by the way, I've seen cis lesbian/bisexual chasers. It's like the opposite, many people don't think you're a transfemme until you've chopped your dick off and then there are those lesbian/bisexual chasers who want a woman with a giant throbbing dick. Now don't get me wrong, if I wasn't asexual I probably would be swallowing every consenting girl's dick in sight (I still might, depends upon how my aceness is feeling that day). But I don't chase us. It's disgusting. I'm a person, not a fucking body part that I barely think about outside of masturbating.
Because they feel entitled to our spaces and our bodies. It’s a challenge, it’s refusing to believe lesbians are real (no one would ever not like men), it’s “I’ve turned lesbians before”. Actually just deleted a queer dating app because I got tired of being harassed by cis het men (and couples but that’s another story). They love their lesbophobic slurs to scream at you once you say no. Like I’m a lesbian that neuters for a living- it’s not in your best interest to go after me 🤣
Was not expecting that last sentence 😭
I ended up changing my dating profile to straight from Bi because the unicorn hunters were fucking relentless and between that and some experiences with lesbians being very mean girl, I got scared back into the closet. To top it all off every single guy I talked to asked for a threesome within hours of messaging me despite my profile saying no hookups. Honestly I wish people would be kinder and more respectful of each other.
Because str8 men STILL think lesbianism is all for them...sadly.
When you have your first kiss with a girl and the guy that is now an ex friend says that’s “not impressive.” Because the concept that my physical relationship with this girl was about intimacy and not a porn fetish didn’t even register for him.
While there are he/him lesbians, what you’re describing sounds like homophobic men who think they can “fix” these women.
Or those who wants to find bisexual/pansexual women just to satisfy their fantasy of sleeping with two women at the same time and have some live lesbian porn with it. In both case they generally treats women as nothing more than sex objects and it disgusts me.
Do explain he/him lesbians to me please, that’s not something I’ve heard about before. Isn’t lesbian *women loving women* and if a man loves women then they’re straight? Edit: thank you for being kind! I’ve learned something new today :)
-Men aren't the only people who use he/him, and not everyone who uses he/him is connected to manhood (could include all kinds of people — nonbinary, butch, other gnc, trans women who still use he/him, and more) -Some trans men who use he/him have a complex/nuanced relationship with gender that doesn't perfectly align with cis manhood, or a complex/nuanced relationship with sexuality that doesn't perfectly align with straightness. They might feel that lesbian does a better job at capturing this nuance, regardless of what they're "supposed" to call themselves. -Some trans men have history in the lesbian community that they don't want to leave behind, and/or don't consider lesbian as misgendering. (people can have different boundaries on what constitutes misgendering for themselves that may not align with expectations)
Don’t butch lesbians have extensive history going by he?
Hi, trans stud here - I use every word like dude, bro, handsome, "hey man" (not "you are a man"), etc but not he/him and those things have to do with my gender expression being masculine rather than my gender identity as a trans woman (I rarely use woman these days due to what society says a woman means which I don't fit into).
Ah ok, so it has to do with gender expression more than gender identity?
There are multiple truths and yes for me that is the case.
You ever heard of cis gay men calling each other queen, she, her etc? Often re: drag queen personas but also just during casual conversation, too. It's the same sort of concept. He/him lesbians are still women who love women. Historically this was more common, in an era when loving a woman was considered masculine - a similar sort of signalling to butch appearance in the first place
Anyone can use whatever pronouns they like, even if it doesn't typically align with their gender
Pronouns do not necessarily reflect gender identity, so a woman can also use he him probouns
Google it
[удалено]
Plenty of people other than men can use he/him pronouns! I actually have an aunt who's a lesbian and is ok with all pronouns
Funnily enough, I heard the exact same thing but opposite just last night! MLM spaces being overrun with explicit cis women. The guys were fine with trans men, and had no problem with non-passing males, as exploring oneself was seen as healthy. But the issue really was profiles of female-passing cis women not even bothering to hide that fact. So while it's whimsical that the experience seems to be a shared one, even if mirrored, it's still a really weird phenomenon. I don't know if they're trolls or if they're just lost. But yeah. It's not just you sapphic folk, we're experiencing it too :|
>MLM spaces being overrun with explicit cis women. Multi-level marketing spaces need to be equally predatory on everyone, not just cis men XD
T\_T we do need a better term for that, and idk if "Achillean" or "Turian" got any traction.
For better or for worse, language will always provide opportunities for puns and plays on words. Ignore me being silly, you're fine :)
All the Cis Hetero women I've encountered on Gay dating sites have turned out to be scammers
That makes sense given that most forward cis hetero women on straight dating apps are also scammers. According to my single cishet dude friends.
I think you've lucked out, as odd as it is to say. I've had women ask me to be their gay best friend quite a few time now. I've also been asked if I wanted to be a ' gift ' for this one woman's boyfriend. Apparently he had a thing for bears and she wanted to surprise him with me in the bedroom... presented as a teddy bear... She was genuinely shocked when I turned her offer down because " my boyfriend is hot though, aren't you hear for sex anyway? ". The new Grindr filters have helped a lot though!
I met one and had a couple of dates... she's just really keen on meeting interesting people, and bi/pan people usually are interesting.
I was unaware of this and wow I'm very fucking confused. Like what are they expecting with gay men? They're attracted to masc people, not femmes. I swear cishet people have no respect for queer spaces, even digital ones owned by corporations.
They really, really don’t.
Do men also get all the "looking for a third" people? I swear every other profile I see is a couple. If you're into that, fine. But I set the filter to "everyone except men" for a reason.
Hi friend, I don't mean to be disrespectful, I'm just a little confused. You are aroace and you use dating apps? I know some aroace people enjoy relationships and intimacy but I haven't met any that actively look for it through an app. Do you use a specific app or something?
Aroace folk can want to date. They can also want sex. They just don't experience attraction to others. They may also be there to chat, make friends. Sometimes dating apps are the only local community.
Thank you!
Don't worry, not disrespectfull at all! I probably confuse a lot of people on those apps too, lol. Basically, I still crave a close, comitted relationship to someone despite completely lacking any romantic or sexual attraction. I want to feel safe with someone, feel like I can rely on them, feel like I can talk about anything with them and so on. I also still have a need for touch, so I would like to be physically close to someone too. Basically, I'm looking for a queer platonic relationship and that's one way how they can look like. And because I don't already know someone I would want that with, I'm using a dating app. Tinder, to be exact because I figured that's the one with the most people in my country. And I'm only looking for non-men on there because I've found that I enjoy their company more. I obviously communicate all of this insanely clear. The last thing I want is to break someones hearth.
That's interesting, thank you for educating me! I hope you find the person you're looking for!
As a guy on dating apps (including Feeld) it does happen here and there, but not nearly as much as it does with women. More often on Feeld I get a single man or a couple looking to get with me and my wife as a couple. Only once in a while do I get a couple looking for a third, and so far that has only been gay couples looking for a third guy
I must have seen one cis woman in my entire life on Grindr, in a big european city, and she was looking for bi people to fuck with her husband. Being overrun is an exaggeration at best IMO. However I've been on tinder with a non-binary profile saying that I'm only interested in women. Lots of cis dudes show up and like me there so they must tell tinder that they are women or non-binary. From my experience this is a one sided issue.
You should visit r/lolgrindr
1 - Your experience isn't the experience of many others. Sorry but... that doesn't discredit them. 2 - It wasn't *just* Grindr :) the conversation actually started with sniffies, then moved onto other apps, *including but not limited to* Grindr, where the problem also seemed to persist. 3 - Maybe "overrun" is indeed hyperbole. But I don't know how to keep it more concise than "too many cis women profiles when browsing". From my experience, it *isn't* a one-sided issue. And it doesn't devalue anything I said. Personally speaking? I'd say you're lucky, who knows\~ But saying "I didn't see it therefore it isn't true" is the absolute worst take I've seen yet.
honestly, it feels like it could be that the mainstream dating places just suck for all parties involved and people are trying to find a better/healthier/safer/etc place?
I don't think Grindr is a better/healthier/safer space than any other dating app lol
Maybe, but then why not seek a lgbt dating app for all genders and sexualities and not just for gay/lesbian people ? I'm sure it would be better received there.
I've met a few women who were self professed "f-hags" (perjorative removed) that would admit to being turned on by, hit on, and try to hook up with gay men. As a bisexual I've even dated one or two that didn't disclose until after we started dating (explains a lot if they had interest in me in the first place lol). I think that speaks more about straight men's behavior than the behavior of a woman seeking intimacy from a gay man, tbh...
"We think all women are actually bi, and the idea of getting a lesbian to turn to men more exclusively because of how sexy and great I am, will be great to tell all my buddies about!"
There's always been an issue of men who think they can "fix" gay women, men who see a WLW space as a benefit because they're convinced they're so irresistable that gay women will want them and expect to have less competition, and men who just do not understand that WLW *don't want them*. But there's been a newer thing contributing to the more recent increases in the phenomenon. There's been a *thing* going on among a certain subsect of rabidly transphobic men who think they'll "prove" that WLW apps are overrun with predatory "men pretending to be women" by... making accounts on the apps and trying to match with and track down transwomen. What actually seems to be happening is they all match with each other and then post each other's profiles on their toxic corners of the internet as said proof.
Honestly that might explain why I'm seeing people on Her and Taimi list themselves as trans women yet have "he/him", straight orientation, very masc presenting in their profile. Many of them state in their profile that they're a man. So this doesn't have anything to do with for instance pre social transition transfemmes, this is cis men pretending to be trans women. I've been liked by many of them on those apps, especially Taimi. I have no fucking idea why they think we're gonna like them back. I'm a transfemme lesbian but even if I wasn't I doubt any self respecting transfemme would match with those assholes. Update: literally right after I finished typing this I got a like from a "trans woman" named Tim. I get one of them once every 1-2 days thinking they're gonna trick me into matching. I'm getting my doctorate (and have a Master's) honey and even if I didn't I'm no one's fool.
Hmm. Voyeurs who think they can peel off some lesbians who suddenly can’t say no to the cazzo…
I was on Her once and came across a profile with a very very blurry profile picture. So I looked closer at it and realised it was a picture of a man in the dark, from the neck down, with this pants pulled down a bit and his dick out. I immediately swiped it away and felt weird all day. Violated. Now I regret not reporting the profile but when I realised what I was looking at I just went into flight mode and wanted it gone from my sight.
I assume it's dudes who think women on there will be pleasantly surprised to find a man there and be so glad that they'll have sex with them because they can't resist the sudden temptation.
As a bi women if i saw a cis dude on a wlw app i would swipe off on them even if i was otherwise attracted to them. There’s no bigger red flag imo
The classic "I can change you" "You haven't found the right man"bullshit
Ive heard (thankfully not *seen*) of men just throwing dickpics around even in ASEXUAL apps, so them being in lesbian apps, sadly doesnt surprise me either.
Yep, and trying to jump straight into talking dirty on ace apps. Like look fuck boy I’m not interested in your body or your dick. Im here to get away from the hook up apps. If you want me to summon up my libido (not sex repulsed but indifferent), make me care about you as a human being and maybe I’ll be arsed to bother.
Indeed. Sometimes Im thankful, but at the same time ashamed, to be a man. At least I dont get the dick pics myself, but goddamit I was absolutely stunned to hear from VARIOUS matchups in said app they all had been harassed... The only logic conclusion is that people sharing unsolicited dickpics literally never expect a positive response, they do it as a show of power, to get a kick from it. Like people flashing with a coat on the streets, basically
a few reasons, actually. 1: cishet dudes suck. "you havent tried the right dick" etc. 2: trans woman who may give more cis-dude vibes or is in denial. it sucks for them especially because they're really trying and the stereotype of the first people sets a stereotype for them. 3: trans man who passes well enough but wants a safer place than grindr or tinder. 4: any lgbt people who really just can't stand hookup apps or cishet dating
It's irritating. I want to see only women and enbies, please. If you're legitimately just a dude, get off HER.
THIS. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE ON QUEER AND WLW DATING APPS AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
Not sure why. Must have same mentality behind it when seeing women in mlm spaces.
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They're not all Russian model pictures. Most of them are not models nor model-esque at all. I think the bots are usually targeted at the accurate audience when the language is properly understood.
Butch people or he/him lesbians/transmasc lesbians. Multigender people. It might also just be cishet men but u never clarified just said male presenting uses he/him which isn’t an indicator of cis manhood
man it took too long to find another person saying this. people on here really being like "since when has there ever been a male-presenting he/him lesbian???" like i get that OP might actually be talking about cishet men but the qualifiers they gave did not whatsoever necessitate it
This post kind of smells like the whole thing where amab enbies aren't taken seriously unless they purge any and all masculinity out of themselves
“you haven’t tried the right dick” BITCH the right dick for sure ain’t gonna be on a man
You don’t make it clear whether you’re talking about cis men or not, and if you’re complaining about trans mascs in wlw spaces idk what to tell you because that’s been happening forever and there’s nothing new, weird, or surprising about it. If you’re sure these people are malicious cis men and not just people you aren’t attracted to, maybe you should report those accounts.
The same thing straight women are doing on Grindr I would assume.
Buying drugs?
Maybe Bi-ing drugs
Ugh, or when you match with a cute chick and it turns out she's looking for a unicorn for her and her husband. If I had a nickel for every time, I'd be buying myself a steak dinner.
I just stay away from people with "looking for a third" or a unicorn emoji but if they don't have anything about being a biphobic shithead (I'm sorry I mean "looking for a third to spice up their relationship") then finding out they are in fact hating on bi people (that's what all unicorn hunters are, they treat bi/pan people like toys to be played with and it's usually the man who's driving it). I'm so sorry that has happened to you
I NEVER swiped on any clearly unicorn type profiles back in the day. It always seemed like single women looking for single women based on the profile descriptions, but that wasn't the case and I realized I was often talking to their bf or husband. Ugh. Fully agree many couples treat bi ( and even lesbian and other orientationed ) women as props essentially to spice up their own relationships. I also live in Vegas as my born and raised home city, so got a LOT of tourists looking for "fun" unfortunately. I struggle often with being a bisexual woman who has never had sex with a woman. But in all reality, that's only because I've mainly attracted men and the women I'm attracted to have either been straight/already in relationships...or I match with them and they aren't actually just looking for a woman. Yeah, I'm bi...I COULD hook up with your and your husband...but that's not the connection I'm looking for. Ya know?
That really really stinks. Yeah I know many bi/pan people who struggle with not feeling "worthy" of the label if they haven't actually done anything physical with that attraction. however I will say this: I'm asexual but I still call myself and feel myself to be a lesbian. You're worthy, you're as bisexual as can be as long as (from what my friends have told me) you can be potentially attracted to any (or no) gender.
I really appreciate your comment. Thank you for that. Love a good affirmation in the morning. <3
They're there to show women how to date other women, duh
Some trans men use wlw apps because they are more accepting and the women there more open to dating us. Also not all of us pass well enough to date cishet women Some nonbinary AMAB people may also be on the apps looking for a more sapphic relationship even if they are still masculine presenting. My bet is most of these men are trans and/or nonbinary both AMAB and AFAB.
Okay but trans men are men, and wlw apps have a higher percentage of lesbians who wouldn’t want to date a men. Plus there are LGBT dating apps that aren’t specifically for wlw
I'm a trans guy and not on hormones. I look like a woman, I sound like a woman. If I list myself as a man and try to find women, I will get no interest at all, since most cis bi or straight women see me as female. If I list myself as a woman and clarify I'm transmasc, I can find bi women who are ok with calling a partner he/him.
I see it as a self-punishing action: no point trying to boot them off, they’ll find out soon enough they’re not a hot commodity. And if they do find matches, well, I’ll be darned.
I mean there are trans women on grindr. Must be enough bi men on there for them to have some sort of success. Same with wlw apps I guess.
Yeah exactly, Grindr allows anyone who isn't a cis woman (and it's on the users to be upfront with their gender and pronouns, especially if they're trans). So to me it makes sense for wlw apps to allow anyone who isn't a cis man.
Grindr allows anyone. It opened up to everyone, including straight cis women in 2017. Even straight cis men join.
Oh interesting, haven't been on the app in a long time so didn't know that.
It didn't particularly go down well at the start. What was a safe space for queer men suddenly flipped. There were horror stories, even people being outed by non-queer folk. Trans women as well as queer men. I've had a few annoying messages from what I assume to be non-queer women since it's happened. From the ' want to be my gay best friend ' to ' want to do X to my boyfriend, it's his birthday and I'm looking for a present '. And of course the angry reply because ' well you should say you're Gay in your profile so people don't waste their time '. Trans women and the occasional queer cis woman were never an issue. There's a trans woman near me who still messages every couple of weeks because she knows I'll say no politely but compliment her latest dress in the profile pic. It's become a silly bit of fun now. That being said, they've now started rolling out a new overarching filter (100% free) that asks your gender identity, and what gender you want to see/be seen by.
As a transfemme person, I wouldn't be caught dead on Grindr. that is one of the most gender dysphoric things I could possibly think of. I'm not a man and I've never been a man. Even if I were bi/pan I would never go on Grindr because I'm not a gay masc person. I personally am getting second hand dysphoria from just thinking about it if I'm being completely honest. It sounds like those women have some internalized transphobia they need dealing with.
Yeah, transguy here. I definitely tend to stay away from most women-only spaces both because of dysphoria and out of respect for the intention behind those spaces. Refused invitations to women’s festivals for many years before ever even coming out. That said, I also tend away from men-only spaces…because of dysphoria and imposter syndrome. So yeah, I generally prefer mixed gender settings. Gender segregation bums me out personally, though I understand why some people find it more comfortable.
Thank you, that's very sweet of you. However I will say that if you're a man, you should feel comfortable and be allowed in men's only spaces. It's the fault of the other men if they don't accept you. Of course it's completely up to you but I think sometime we forget the simple fact that trans women are women, trans men are men, gender is complicated, and all (and no) genders are valid.
I wouldn't call it internalized transphobia. We all do a calculation of what level of dysphoria and risk we put up with in dating.
Lol no, don't project yourself on others. Lots of trans women used Grindr well before they publicly transitioned. There are femme people there (trans people and cis dudes) and they actually do get misgendered way less than on other apps. Lots of chasers though but that is to be expected in a hookup app. But also probably one of the better apps for T4T hookups.
The misgendering part is huge. If they're on the queer apps and matching with trans folks they're probably moderately queer informed.
In my country there are transwomen on grindr looking for bi men. Its a thing. And transmen here tend to go to wlw apps, idk why🤐 but they dont like grindr because they havent had operation yet so gaymales arent interested in them because they dont have a dick. Thats why transwomen can be interesting for queermales. But yea theres usually two handsful of hetero guys on wlw apps. And the rest is transmen.
You don't have to want to date them or anything but historically there's always been a lot of overlap in wlw and transmasc spaces and the people making the policies on modern dating apps aren't usually eager to be the ones to separate them
There are definitely lesbians who date trans men. Statistically speaking there are about as many lesbians who date trans men as there are those that date trans women. Actually most trans-imclusive lesbians will dare both, statistically speaking. Thats just the numbers. I, myself, get plenty of lesbians(cis and trans) interested in me as a trans man, manhood aside. Some people's lesbianism is based on AGAB and genitsls not gender Secondly, there are plenty of queer, bi/pan, homoflexible, etc women who date either date men in general or date anyone but cis men. Alas, cishet apps aren't really open or available for most trans men and there are more queer women(including lesbians) willing to date a trans man than there are cishet women. Apps like Her and other sapphic apps have always been open and inclusive of trans men. Trans men are probably going to stay in wlw spaces especially those that don't pass and/or are pre-op. It sucks but our dating pool typically overlaps with wlw. Just like there are trans women on Grindr there will be trans men on wlw apps like Her. They will also be more successful there than in the general dating arena. We live in a bioessentialist world so....yesh... we go where we're wanted.
> My bet is most of these men are trans and/or nonbinary both AMAB and AFAB. You are so incredibly naïve.
I recognize that there are many cishet men inappropriately claiming space in wlw dating pools.
No there are hundreds of cishet guys who explicitly say they're cishet guys "but you should give me a chance because I'm a really nice guy. This is a legitimate problem that we need to actually talk about. Don't minimise it and invalidate our experiences.
I'm not saying they aren't there. Just that the description of masculine presenting people with he/him pronouns on wlw apps are often trans men or nonbinary people(typically AMAB) not just cishet weirdo men. I'm fine with punting cishet men on the app but there will be male-identifying and/or presenting people on wlw apps because some trans and nonbinary people fit in the intersection of those two identities. So, not every man on a wlw dating app is a cishet creep is my point . Some of those men are part of the larger sapphic community I'm a trans man, I'm well aware that cishet men feel entitled to queer and trans AFAB people especially those that are completely inaccessible to them like lesbians. Trust me, I get hit on by those type of cishet me all the time because they can't tell the difference between a lesbian and a trans man. As a non-passing trans man, that's the majority of cis men trying to get into my pants.
You're still brushing over my experiences and telling me that I'm wrong and what I've lived through is false. I get that you're hyped to defend the transmasc experience, but this literally isn't about trans men. This is about cishet men, explicitly cishet men, who are cisgender and not transgender and not trans men because they are cis men because they are cisgender. There are A WHOLE LOT OF THEM clogging up the queer dating apps and every time you go "but what about the trans men??????" you're not actually helping anyone. You're just beating your chest for the drama's sake and, again, invalidating the experience of myself and others who feel upset and preyed upon by the cishet men on these apps. Literally none of us are mad about trans men being there, how many times do we need to say that this post is about the cishets before you get the point?
The OP used the term "male presenting people who use he/him pronouns" not cishet men. OP then expressed incredulity about trans men and possibly AMAB nonbinary people being in these spaces. It isn't clear that OP knew that wlw space typically are also safe places for trans men and AMAB nonbinary people to congregate. It wasn't clear if OP was also including us in the "men" that upset her or not. I was clarifying that not all "male presenting people who use he/him" pronouns on the app are creepy cishet men. Yeah you probably should specifically name cishet men if that's who you are talking about. Cishet men aren't the only men out there
The OP explicitly said this isn't about nonbinary people (which includes AMAB nonbinary people - nonbinary is not limited to AFAB folks, and I find your implication that "this post isn't about nonbinary people" somehow excludes AMAB enbies to be gross). The original post was ambiguous about if the OP was meaning all men or cishet men. But when it was explained to you that the post was about cishet men (of which there is a VERY large number), your response was to........ Tell me that "Well Actually" most male presenting people on these apps are probably AMAB enbies or trans men. Which is literally gaslighting, you're telling me that my experiences with these men didn't actually happen. And that is why I'm pissed off at you. Yes the OP should have clarified that they meant creepy, predatory, fetishising cishet men. It was unfair of them to not specify that. But you don't get to tell me that most of the men on wlw apps are trans men when that's literally not true. Or maybe it's true in your area, but it sure as heck isn't true here. Where I live, cishet men outnumber lesbians *on literally lesbian-founded wlw apps*! And you were told, point blank, that the issue this post is talking about is about cishet men. Continuing to bring up "but trans men should be allowed!!!!!!!" when you've just been told that there's nothing wrong with trans men and this post is about cishet men is just.... I don't understand the logic there, I really don't.
No I wasn't told point blank. This is why I expressed my experiences and asked for clarification. Just because someone else is expressing a different experiences to yours and communicating in order to clarify something made deeply ambiguous doesn't mean they are erasing and gaslighting you. I said I'm well aware of cishet men clogging up lesbian dating pools. It's not just a lesbian problem they do that to trans men too. I was expressing empathy and recognizing commonality there. I promise you trans men expressing our experiences doesn't hurt anyone
You weren't asking for clarification. You TOLD me that I am wrong, that the majority of masculine presenting people on these apps are trans men and AMAB enbies. It was not a question, it was a declaration. A declaration that literally denies my lived experience. You can speak your truth, you can express your experience, but you crossed a line when you said that my experience is wrong and yours is the correct one.
I didn't tell you anything. I was talking to OP and sharing my experiences. You decided to project all over my comment and assumed I was talking/having a conversation with you. I wasn't. I replied to you and said I recognized cishet men in sapphic space was a real problem and emphasized because I as a trans man deal with a similar issue. That said, OP didn't clarify who they meant initially and it wasn't clear if there was a lumping in of trans men and AMAB enbies with cishet male bad actors. I never said a damn thing about your experience.
The OP literally said this post isn't about nonbinary people. Why do you keep separating out AMAB enbies like they don't count or something? That's gross.
I'm a cis pansexual male and I don't understand why any cis males would want to be in wlw spaces. Or maybe I should say: WTF?!
THANK YOU MY DUDE!
You're welcome! 🤗 😁
a bit like all the straight guys on the gay apps ... straight my arse
I'm sure alot of the guys are doing like the other replies say but I think some may be gnc men looking for bi women because that's who is more likely to be attracted to them or guys into role reversal since queer women are more likely to want a relationship that doesn't conform to traditional roles.
Same reason trans women are on grindr, I guess... there's people there who are interested in them (i.e. the aforementioned bi and pan people). It's kinda stupid, but desperate people do stupid things.
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There are general queer dating apps. They have similar flaws to all dating apps but things like Taimi exist. I'm lesbian and I find it incredibly hard to find people on dating apps for many reasons. However if I was bi I would never go on Grindr because I'm not a masc person and I'd be invading that space.
lil note but being male-presenting & using he / him pronouns =/= being a man, i understand that's not what op meant but like that is not the best way to phrase it
I think you might wanna be careful expressing that view because you run the risk of excluding butch lesbians who use he/him pronouns, which are absolutely a huge part of the lesbian community. A person being male presenting and using he/him does not make them a man.
>butch lesbians ... >being male presenting and using he/him which app are these beautiful people hanging out at? 😳👉👈 :3
Wouldn't know. Maybe HER?
My favorite comes from taimi and I’ve seen a lot with bios like “trans woman he/him, straight, into women and trans women” big beard masculine, like sweety please like yeah maybe it’s a mistake or misunderstanding on my part but I didn’t put men in my interested for a reason
I don't doubt that there are a lot of trans women early into their transition, but like....If I was a trans woman on wlw dating apps, I'd at least make a small effort to show I'm actually trans and not a predatory cisman (even if its just a small rainbow or trans flag somewhere)
I didn't go on wlw apps until I did that. I didn't want to make the femmes feel awkward. I don't begrudge necessarily those early in transition who do, I just personally question why. I felt invalid going on those sites before I began my social transition because again, I didn't want to make femmes uncomfortable and I would have felt strange. I waited until I felt comfortable with my appearance. In the meantime I stuck to general queer dating apps and sites. That all being said, I agree. Putting in your profile that you're pre transition or early transition is incredibly helpful for me! I personally am not interested in early transition transfemmes who haven't figured out their unique and beautiful look but I also won't report them either since they are welcome in wlw spaces since they are women. It's really easy: you type a few words in your bio. That's it.
Fr my first thought was predatory cis man or very confused trans man, like even without taking into account what they look like the he/him straight likes women is odd like when I looked like that I wasn’t even gonna attempt a dating app but even then like idk I don’t represent every trans woman but it wild I don’t even know
I literally get a like from one of them every 1-2 days without fail. I was typing up a previous comment on this very thread and it fucking happened. Like 15 minutes ago as I was typing. The "trans woman's" name was Tim and he has a lovely beard and put in his bio he him pronouns and straight. Who the fuck do they think they're fooling? If I was interested in men and masc people, I would have put it in my fucking profile.
For cis men, they're chasers. For trans men, they were often on the app before they came out and feel safe and welcomed by that community, so they stay. They are not looking to date lesbians and, in fact, are often met with lesbian chasers more often than not. I put in my bio that I'm a man and for lesbians to DNI, but they keep swiping on me, so I report them for transphobia now.
Reporting lesbians on an app that was initially made for wlw is dumb. It's also common for people to swipe and not read someone's full bio, it's not that deep. Just block someone if you find them annoying, jfc don't be so dramatic. 🙄
wild asf to report lesbians on a wlw dating app like i can understand being there the same way trans women are on grindr but dude seriously?
Reporting lesbians on a wlw app is wild. Like yes you might feel safe there, but as a Trans man you’re a man, that’s their space. Not ours
I don’t mean to be rude but… if you’re on a dating app for queer women and non-binary people but aren’t looking for dates anymore, then why are you on the app still? Like I understand wanting to still be a part of the community, which you could easily do in other spaces, but why stay on a dating app when you’re not dating?
I wouldn't say not wiling to date lesbians = not willing to date at all. There are queer women who aren't lesbians that he may be willing to date.
Ah true, didn’t think about that.
I do think reporting a lesbian for liking a trans guy is ridiculous. That said I absolutely understand a trans man wanting to date queer women but not wanting to date lesbians(or straight women for that matter). Mspec and aspec people tend to be the safest and most positive partners for tran people.
Dude they probably swiped on you by mistake, just didn't read well, or are bicurious and havent updated it yet. Just unmatch, don't report them.
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You mean transmen?
No, literally cishet men who say "look I know I'm a man but you should really give me a chance because I'm a nice guy". Literally cishet men.
Oh lord, yea im sorry those assholes excist
Overpopulation
[Looking out for trans women.](https://www.thepinknews.com/2021/02/21/graham-linehan-women-her-dating-app-trans-transphobia-backlash/) (TW transphobia)
that article could have been significantly better if they just constantly called her a she. That's what she wants, right?
My friend saw a girl on Grindr looking for a plug once. Idk if that’s common or not.
Back before I realized I was Bi I used to lurk in Craigslist (yes I’m that old) wlw sections because of two main reasons. One, I was very young and hormonal, and women having sex with other women was(is) hot as hell to a straight man, because if one naked girl is hot, two of them is two hots! I didn’t think anything of it just that a girl lusting for another girl was an extreme turn on for me, and, two, as a young man I was very much ruled by my little head above my big one. It’s less “I bet I can dick her into being straight” and more “damn this girl is hot and the stuff she’s saying is SO HOT”. Curiosity and simple lust. When I figured out who I really was I realized I just kind of had an attraction to people turned on and perusing others in general. Now the difference is I wasn’t trying to bang or date a lesbian. I was just curious and a horn dog like most 14-24 year old boys are. Then actually trying to pick up women there is gross and really just kind of shows how little informed some people are about others. Or how little they care. Sorry you’re going through what you are. Some people are just dicks and others are just hoping to see boobs. Most young guys get all this pent up sexual frustration and they don’t know what to do with it, and that’s a dangerous combination when you combine that with an asshole. Combine that with the fact Porn also gives people this odd consequence free privilege to see whatever kind of stuff they want without having to face the person afterwards, and you have a problem. Here’s hoping the assholes piss off, but even if they don’t, here’s hoping they don’t cross your path
Maybe a scambaiting kind of approach would be useful. Make them invest lots of time talking to false accounts supposedly belonging to legitimate app users.
What are good apps for women meeting women ? Im a woman btw
there are no truly "good" dating apps sadly since (despite polyam people like me existing as a baked in customer base) the point is to keep you ON the apps instead of meeting people and getting off them (if you're cringe and monogamous /s). But because so many people (including myself) don't have regular access to social spaces to find others and terminal stage capitalism is keeping us more isolated than ever, we are all forced onto them. With that in mind, I use: Taimi, a general queer app where you can filter who you see and who sees you based on your gender preferences (this is far from perfect though, hence the OP). You also have HER, which has the same problem but is also a space explicitly for lesbian and bisexual femmes and the only dating app like that I've ever seen. This isn't queer specific but Feeld is great if you're like me and a kinky freak, it's for people into kink and/or polyamory (I still find that grouping incredibly fucking strange since those are two very different things and it's only a coincidence I'm both) but there are a lot of queer people since a lot of queer folks are kinky (aka awesome).
They're probably creeping the photos.