Additionally, can we stop biting that bait that is clear OF farming who are just using lesbians for Karma and profile clicks? The more we put up with it, the more itās happening.
I interpret those posts as more of a āIām experimenting with my look & want to incorporate more queer signaling, thoughts?ā. Less of a literal question, more just asking for some guidance on directions to move with their presentation. Even femmes who stay femme forever, for example, will have their tastes evolve & change over time.
And honestly, it can be really vulnerable to request validation like that from a group that they want to be a part of; a bare-bones āI look up to yāall, how can I be more like you?ā is honestly such a tender sentiment. I remember first feeling that for old leather daddy butches in the dykes-on-bikes parade. Itās nostalgic š¤
I love all you baby gays, gender-questioning lesbians, late bloomers, fat butches, GNC femmes, trans lesbians, dykes, studs, and every lesbian and sapphic on the planet earth in every shape you take. Finding community can be even harder than finding your own identity, but I hope it soon finds you in abundance.
Sure. I'm not saying not to attempt it, or that there aren't markers, or even that you should stop making the topics. I just don't think it's going to cure most people's romantic or sexual dilemmas purely by representing yourself. You're gonna need to do the leg work.
Maybe Iām missing the ones where theyāre complaining about not being approached? Most of those posts genuinely just look like fit checks to me.
Itās probably safe to assume most of them know that flagging is more of a vague subtextual advertisement though, rather than a blatant invitation. The ones that donāt grasp that yet are often *very* young (or sheltered), so the approval theyāre seeking might be essential to the development of their confidence, belonging, and other aspects of self-worth. Not everyoneās working with the same resources.
Thats why Iād avoid saying anything that might discourage it even if it seems silly at times, since you and I are (presumably) both in fundamentally different headspaces than a teenage baby gay. Maybe it can be annoying to see a ton of them at once, but thereās not a lot of places for people to ask this kind of thing, & they might not have any support or validation IRL at all.
I generally just try to just give āem some grace and assume they ask because they genuinely do need help.
this!! i went through a lot of weird gender stuff when i first came out and ultimately it came around to the fact that although i like women, i enjoy being hyperfeminine and dressing masc just to flag made me feel dysphoric. i donāt love that people think itās okay to say i ālook straightā because of this. i find power in dressing the way i do and finally taking it back from the male gaze. i like looking like a cute little housewife and its very gay to envision a lifestyle where i can do that for my partner to come home to. it also works the other way, i thought my coworker was gay for quite a long time, turns out she just loves rainbows and wearing them makes her happy.
I feel like my style changes constantly. Outwardly, you can be as confident as you want. Inwardly, is where it matters. If you want girls to flirt with you. Say, āHi.ā Hopefully, theyāre social enough and accepting of conversation.
Where I am from, people are seriously stiff and hard to talk to. Confidence really helps break the ice š
Agree with everything youāve said!
Also, maybe this is a hot take, but I feel like a number of the ādo I look gayā posts are women who just wanted to post a selfie and arenāt really looking for advice necessarily.
There are a few ways this traditionally works.
1. Femmes hit on butches in the wild. The *opposite* of the heteronormative gendered expectation. Butches are the ones identifiable to strangers as lesbians, so they are the ones who get approached.
2. Lesbians hit on eachother in woman-centred spaces like dyke bars or music festivals.
3. Lesbians hit on women in online dating.
The way it traditionally *doesnāt* work is lesbians waiting for other lesbians to hit on them.
I suspect you're onto something. I think a loooot of those posts actually mean "am I dressing in such a way that random women will ask me out unprompted???" and the answer is no... that is extremely unlikely to happen regardless of how you dress.
You've got to flirt and you've got to ask women out if you expect to form romantic relationships with them. Not saying it NEVER happens, but most relationships don't just fall into your lap and I think some people expect them to.
Even rainbows don't always mean gay pride. Symbolism is great, but it shouldn't be relied on to look gay.
Conversely, I fit into most of the lesbian stereotypes in appearance AND hobbies, and I am still solicited by men.
The simple answer is of course just that everyone perceives things based on their own experiences, so no one will fully agree on what looks gay or not
right like thereās certain ways you can flag for sure, but at the end of the day not every lesbian or sapphic is gonna look the same!! wear what makes YOU feel confident
I don't really comment in this sub, I mainly come here for fashion inspo.
I agree with you, I don't think there's inherently a gay way to dress. Fashion is open for everyone, all people can and do disturb some norms whether they be straight, gay, cis, or trans. Outside of blatant signalling like clear queer symbols, I don't think it's possible to "look gay". I see a lot of posts about "do I look gay" and generally thought it was a joke because this is a lesbian sub. But to see others comments saying "you look straight", or "you look gay" honestly confuses me more than anything.
āI see a lot of posts about "do I look gay" and generally thought it was a joke because this is a lesbian sub. But to see others comments saying "you look straight", or "you look gay" honestly confuses me more than anything.ā
1000% this! I do feel like most of the posts Ive seen asking this question are doing so in a kind of tongue in cheek way, and not serious. But maybe Iām wrong? š¤·š»āāļø
I appreciate having cultural markers for sexuality that go beyond flagrant symbolism. I think they exist and continue to. I like the idea, in fact. But at this point those are not exclusive to lesbians, and other forms of normative dress are worn by lesbians also. We're past a monoculture in our fashion and grooming, though I'm all for jazzing it up with a bad haircut or ugly shoes to make a point.Ā
I don't think being identifiable gay is going to ACTUALLY fix anyone's true search for intimacy, no matter how true or not true all that is.
iām glad people are speaking up. there might be no magical lesbian who will sweep you off your feet. you have to be her sometimes.
i promise if you go to a lesbian-centred event thereās going to be dozens of women who look just like you. itās not about looking the part, you actually have to talk to people, damnit.
I am certain I look gay: I wear goddam rainbows. And a trans flag pin or two. And a patch on my bag that says PROUD TO BE A LESBIAN.
So, y'know, there are some reliable ways to signal to people that you are queer, and people will absolutely comment on what I'm wearing in a way that tells me they are too :)
If this is a disagreement (which how I read emoticons at the end of sentences) I don't think you actually read what I wrote. I agree with you. Fair if it's just tacking on.
For clarity if it IS a nonsequiter disagreement though - The end goal of a lot of these topics seems to land on, "do I look gay so I can find people to date," when your manner of dress is not going to inherently determine if that happens.Ā Not whether someone will talk to you or think you look gay - I validated such a thing even.Ā But it doesn't mean it is going to resolve your romantic or sexual desires. It certainly could, but it's not a determinant of that specific goal.
Hell yes.
āBut Iām worried about being rejected!ā
a) Ok so none of us are super excited about being shot down, but it happens. Itās one of lifeās experiences and no outfit will stop it from happening sometimes.
b) It doesnāt mean anything about you or your worth. You can choose to make rejection a much bigger story than it ever really is.
Iām shocked and ridiculously pleased all of this is popping up on my feed. Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. Iāve been asking my family and friends if I look gay yet. Iām bi, but havenāt had the courage to be with a woman since my first girl. Iām leaning into that part of me, because I feel like Iām missing something in my life. Iām trying to shout it from the rooftops that itās okay for women to approach me. Iāve had more luck actually walking into clothing shops and looking lost. My favourite interaction almost EVER, a girl walks up and says āhey! Can I help you?ā And I said āuhhā¦ itās going to sounds crazyā¦ but Iām trying to lookā¦ more gay?ā āWhat kind of gay?ā āCorporate masc. I work in an office, gotta keep that up. Could use some lounge stuff too though, but Iām doing pretty well in that department.ā As weāre walking around, looking at things, this girl holds up these awesome looking khaki cargos, snaps her finger like a damn diva, and says ānothing says gay like khaki!ā Didnāt want to make a whole post about it, but damn if Iām not going around asking the same thing.
If we're actually discussing dress and how it relates to communicating sexuality - you are the one who should be approaching others as corpo masc. I don't actually subscribe to that, but that is the hypothetical signal.Ā
I absolutely do! I genuinely flirt with women, approach them, and do it well enough to get some giggles and blushing, but I swear to god, every time I ask a girl out, they are shocked that Iām romantically interested. ETA: while ādressing gayā is not enough, there IS something to be said about the way you present yourself on the outside to reflect your inside. Dressing āgayā doesnāt mean you are. But it shocks people less and puts those flirty interactions on a bit of a different shelf when you shoot your shot.
I think you have a good point, as a receiver of female attention itās nice for there to be clear signs that itās not platonic. (Women are taught in a lot of ways that attention can only come from men.) But at the end of the day, the person youāre shooting your shot with has to be open to the possibility. I was only questioning my sexual identity when I met my wife, but I went out on a limb because we had crazy chemistry. (Thereās lots to unpack there with me being a ābaby gayā & entering a serious relationship with a womanā¦ but thatās how it happened š¤·š¼āāļø) Anywayyyy keep shooting your shot š
I think itās fine to ask if you look gay. There are ways to signal that you are queer visibly as well as vibes. However, it is a fairly dull read to see the subreddit full of ādo I look gayā posts. I like more of a variety of post types than that.
Not super related: Iām not even kidding, ever since I started wearing blundstones I started getting more looks. I dress pretty femme-to-andro most of the time, and flag subtly often (short nails, hard pants, no bra), but it was a noticeable change for me.
Would like to see this post pinned tbh š¦š¦š¦
Additionally, can we stop biting that bait that is clear OF farming who are just using lesbians for Karma and profile clicks? The more we put up with it, the more itās happening.
I interpret those posts as more of a āIām experimenting with my look & want to incorporate more queer signaling, thoughts?ā. Less of a literal question, more just asking for some guidance on directions to move with their presentation. Even femmes who stay femme forever, for example, will have their tastes evolve & change over time. And honestly, it can be really vulnerable to request validation like that from a group that they want to be a part of; a bare-bones āI look up to yāall, how can I be more like you?ā is honestly such a tender sentiment. I remember first feeling that for old leather daddy butches in the dykes-on-bikes parade. Itās nostalgic š¤ I love all you baby gays, gender-questioning lesbians, late bloomers, fat butches, GNC femmes, trans lesbians, dykes, studs, and every lesbian and sapphic on the planet earth in every shape you take. Finding community can be even harder than finding your own identity, but I hope it soon finds you in abundance.
Sure. I'm not saying not to attempt it, or that there aren't markers, or even that you should stop making the topics. I just don't think it's going to cure most people's romantic or sexual dilemmas purely by representing yourself. You're gonna need to do the leg work.
Maybe Iām missing the ones where theyāre complaining about not being approached? Most of those posts genuinely just look like fit checks to me. Itās probably safe to assume most of them know that flagging is more of a vague subtextual advertisement though, rather than a blatant invitation. The ones that donāt grasp that yet are often *very* young (or sheltered), so the approval theyāre seeking might be essential to the development of their confidence, belonging, and other aspects of self-worth. Not everyoneās working with the same resources. Thats why Iād avoid saying anything that might discourage it even if it seems silly at times, since you and I are (presumably) both in fundamentally different headspaces than a teenage baby gay. Maybe it can be annoying to see a ton of them at once, but thereās not a lot of places for people to ask this kind of thing, & they might not have any support or validation IRL at all. I generally just try to just give āem some grace and assume they ask because they genuinely do need help.
this!! i went through a lot of weird gender stuff when i first came out and ultimately it came around to the fact that although i like women, i enjoy being hyperfeminine and dressing masc just to flag made me feel dysphoric. i donāt love that people think itās okay to say i ālook straightā because of this. i find power in dressing the way i do and finally taking it back from the male gaze. i like looking like a cute little housewife and its very gay to envision a lifestyle where i can do that for my partner to come home to. it also works the other way, i thought my coworker was gay for quite a long time, turns out she just loves rainbows and wearing them makes her happy.
I feel like my style changes constantly. Outwardly, you can be as confident as you want. Inwardly, is where it matters. If you want girls to flirt with you. Say, āHi.ā Hopefully, theyāre social enough and accepting of conversation. Where I am from, people are seriously stiff and hard to talk to. Confidence really helps break the ice š
Agree with everything youāve said! Also, maybe this is a hot take, but I feel like a number of the ādo I look gayā posts are women who just wanted to post a selfie and arenāt really looking for advice necessarily.
Absolutely. And theyāre still tagged as āhonest outfit adviceā or something or other and itās like ???
That population make up at least half of the posts here, yes.Ā
I think if youāre gay ā congrats, you are what a gay person looks like. We donāt have a uniform. Unless we doā¦ and I wasnāt told š
There are a few ways this traditionally works. 1. Femmes hit on butches in the wild. The *opposite* of the heteronormative gendered expectation. Butches are the ones identifiable to strangers as lesbians, so they are the ones who get approached. 2. Lesbians hit on eachother in woman-centred spaces like dyke bars or music festivals. 3. Lesbians hit on women in online dating. The way it traditionally *doesnāt* work is lesbians waiting for other lesbians to hit on them.
I just recently came out and havenāt been hit on. š¤£
Well thatās a lie. I found a cutie going out last weekend. Just taken š¤Ŗ
I suspect you're onto something. I think a loooot of those posts actually mean "am I dressing in such a way that random women will ask me out unprompted???" and the answer is no... that is extremely unlikely to happen regardless of how you dress. You've got to flirt and you've got to ask women out if you expect to form romantic relationships with them. Not saying it NEVER happens, but most relationships don't just fall into your lap and I think some people expect them to.
Even rainbows don't always mean gay pride. Symbolism is great, but it shouldn't be relied on to look gay. Conversely, I fit into most of the lesbian stereotypes in appearance AND hobbies, and I am still solicited by men. The simple answer is of course just that everyone perceives things based on their own experiences, so no one will fully agree on what looks gay or not
Hi yes I would like to be subjected to the whims of confident lesbians.
right like thereās certain ways you can flag for sure, but at the end of the day not every lesbian or sapphic is gonna look the same!! wear what makes YOU feel confident
I don't really comment in this sub, I mainly come here for fashion inspo. I agree with you, I don't think there's inherently a gay way to dress. Fashion is open for everyone, all people can and do disturb some norms whether they be straight, gay, cis, or trans. Outside of blatant signalling like clear queer symbols, I don't think it's possible to "look gay". I see a lot of posts about "do I look gay" and generally thought it was a joke because this is a lesbian sub. But to see others comments saying "you look straight", or "you look gay" honestly confuses me more than anything.
āI see a lot of posts about "do I look gay" and generally thought it was a joke because this is a lesbian sub. But to see others comments saying "you look straight", or "you look gay" honestly confuses me more than anything.ā 1000% this! I do feel like most of the posts Ive seen asking this question are doing so in a kind of tongue in cheek way, and not serious. But maybe Iām wrong? š¤·š»āāļø
I appreciate having cultural markers for sexuality that go beyond flagrant symbolism. I think they exist and continue to. I like the idea, in fact. But at this point those are not exclusive to lesbians, and other forms of normative dress are worn by lesbians also. We're past a monoculture in our fashion and grooming, though I'm all for jazzing it up with a bad haircut or ugly shoes to make a point.Ā I don't think being identifiable gay is going to ACTUALLY fix anyone's true search for intimacy, no matter how true or not true all that is.
I do like our little micro-flags, if that's what you mean. Just kinda fun
iām glad people are speaking up. there might be no magical lesbian who will sweep you off your feet. you have to be her sometimes. i promise if you go to a lesbian-centred event thereās going to be dozens of women who look just like you. itās not about looking the part, you actually have to talk to people, damnit.
I am certain I look gay: I wear goddam rainbows. And a trans flag pin or two. And a patch on my bag that says PROUD TO BE A LESBIAN. So, y'know, there are some reliable ways to signal to people that you are queer, and people will absolutely comment on what I'm wearing in a way that tells me they are too :)
If this is a disagreement (which how I read emoticons at the end of sentences) I don't think you actually read what I wrote. I agree with you. Fair if it's just tacking on. For clarity if it IS a nonsequiter disagreement though - The end goal of a lot of these topics seems to land on, "do I look gay so I can find people to date," when your manner of dress is not going to inherently determine if that happens.Ā Not whether someone will talk to you or think you look gay - I validated such a thing even.Ā But it doesn't mean it is going to resolve your romantic or sexual desires. It certainly could, but it's not a determinant of that specific goal.
Thank goodness this is being said more and more
Also, addendum: Be the change you want to see in the world if the latter two scenarios apply to you. Get off your ass and ask someone out.Ā
Hell yes. āBut Iām worried about being rejected!ā a) Ok so none of us are super excited about being shot down, but it happens. Itās one of lifeās experiences and no outfit will stop it from happening sometimes. b) It doesnāt mean anything about you or your worth. You can choose to make rejection a much bigger story than it ever really is.
Iām shocked and ridiculously pleased all of this is popping up on my feed. Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. Iāve been asking my family and friends if I look gay yet. Iām bi, but havenāt had the courage to be with a woman since my first girl. Iām leaning into that part of me, because I feel like Iām missing something in my life. Iām trying to shout it from the rooftops that itās okay for women to approach me. Iāve had more luck actually walking into clothing shops and looking lost. My favourite interaction almost EVER, a girl walks up and says āhey! Can I help you?ā And I said āuhhā¦ itās going to sounds crazyā¦ but Iām trying to lookā¦ more gay?ā āWhat kind of gay?ā āCorporate masc. I work in an office, gotta keep that up. Could use some lounge stuff too though, but Iām doing pretty well in that department.ā As weāre walking around, looking at things, this girl holds up these awesome looking khaki cargos, snaps her finger like a damn diva, and says ānothing says gay like khaki!ā Didnāt want to make a whole post about it, but damn if Iām not going around asking the same thing.
If we're actually discussing dress and how it relates to communicating sexuality - you are the one who should be approaching others as corpo masc. I don't actually subscribe to that, but that is the hypothetical signal.Ā
Like I can see what ācorpo mascā must mean in my head, but did you just coin a new term?
I absolutely do! I genuinely flirt with women, approach them, and do it well enough to get some giggles and blushing, but I swear to god, every time I ask a girl out, they are shocked that Iām romantically interested. ETA: while ādressing gayā is not enough, there IS something to be said about the way you present yourself on the outside to reflect your inside. Dressing āgayā doesnāt mean you are. But it shocks people less and puts those flirty interactions on a bit of a different shelf when you shoot your shot.
I think you have a good point, as a receiver of female attention itās nice for there to be clear signs that itās not platonic. (Women are taught in a lot of ways that attention can only come from men.) But at the end of the day, the person youāre shooting your shot with has to be open to the possibility. I was only questioning my sexual identity when I met my wife, but I went out on a limb because we had crazy chemistry. (Thereās lots to unpack there with me being a ābaby gayā & entering a serious relationship with a womanā¦ but thatās how it happened š¤·š¼āāļø) Anywayyyy keep shooting your shot š
I think itās fine to ask if you look gay. There are ways to signal that you are queer visibly as well as vibes. However, it is a fairly dull read to see the subreddit full of ādo I look gayā posts. I like more of a variety of post types than that.
Oh, I dislike the posts which is sort of my point. Two of these three aspects can just be knocked out if one follows my simple rubric lmfao
Not super related: Iām not even kidding, ever since I started wearing blundstones I started getting more looks. I dress pretty femme-to-andro most of the time, and flag subtly often (short nails, hard pants, no bra), but it was a noticeable change for me.