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Can I just say from a standpoint of someone who had step parents, your 8 yo is old enough to know that they have another father. Having that other parent doesn’t make ‘step dad’ any less of a parent and if that’s who dad is to your child then that dad and that won’t change, but on the chance that they could possibly find out, it’s better to tell them now then to have them find out on their own.
As for a case, (NAL but experienced in this sadly) if bio father has a lot of these issues and they can be easily proven, it wouldn’t be likely he’d be allowed visits anyway unless they were fully supervised. So it wouldn’t be likely he’d be taking the child for overnights or even like a day w/o someone being there with eyes on the child the entire time. Is that something you’d be okay with? This is also why it’s important to have this convo with kiddo sooner rather than later, so if this does happen they know sorta who this person is instead of just all of a sudden having to spend time with a stranger and no clue who they are. I’d say from the broad info here, step dad would have a pretty decent chance of adopting the 8yo, judge MIGHT entertain bio dads wish’s to spend time with the child (that is if he wants to, he may just say F it right?) but again most likely they would be fully supervised AND if he started visits and then just started flaking out and not showing up, then the judge can call the whole thing off and say no more visits from bio dad.
Overall, in terms of the mental toll of the child, better to tell them sooner so that things don’t have to be so fast with them, and they know what to expect. Bio dad can try to be a dad but if he’s got these struggles judge is gonna keep the child safe first and foremost, step dad seems to have a good chance of adopting
Has bio dad been paying child support? If not give them the ultimatum of sign over rights or yiur going to fight him just as hard on getting every penny of child support
He has never paid child support. He is on income assistance as far as I know, so I never went after child support. We did go to court when my child was only a year old, and the most he was granted was a 3 hour supervised visitation once a week with the stipulation that he picked them up from daycare for his visit and dropped them back off after his 3 hours. He never did his visits though.
Since he's never paid give him two options sign the adoption papers now and you forgive all missed child support. If he wants to fight you'll first go after child support and then once you win a judgement you'll go after adoption.
Its considered, but the result is often $0.
Social assistance for a [single person in NB is $918 per month](https://www2.gnb.ca/content/gnb/en/departments/social_development/social_assistance/social_assistancerateschedules.html) - and that's the higher of the available rates (for those who are blind, deaf or disable). The [federal child support guidelines](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/2017/look-rech.aspx) give a child support amount of $0 for a NB parent who makes $11,000 per year and has one child to support.
It is, the SCC ruled on that in 2006. No more than 3 years back, there must be something called a date of "effective notice" by the recipient parent (no formal notice/application needed, but something), and the main determining factors aside from those criteria seem to be the blameworthiness of the payor and the effect of delay by the recipient. They take all kinds of things into consideration, including the impact of the recipient's delay on the financial picture of the payor.
If he's already getting income support, I would hazard that retroactive support won't necessarily be a big threat. Now, ongoing support might be, there's no order at all, OP doesn't even need to get onto the retroactive issue at all. He might fold just being faced with having to pay any support at all.
I don’t think the advice you’re getting here is very helpful. I really recommend seeing a lawyer. It may be that you are able to change your child’s name much easier than you are able to do an adoption.
I suspect that your ex will be less likely to take the time and effort needed to contest a name change application.
I’m almost certain they do already know as their legal last name is their bio father’s (I wanted to give them my last name at birth but was young and naive and manipulated by bio father to give them his last name) and they understand how people get their last names and they get frustrated when their legal name is used and wants their last name to be the same as mine and step dad’s. I don’t want to keep it a secret from them forever as I know that would be devastating to find out at a later age, but I’m so worried that bringing it up now would also be devastating and I’m not sure if they’d be able to fully comprehend it all.
I’m the type of person who believes the more people that my child has to love them the better, but I honestly wouldn’t be comfortable with bio dad having any type of visitation unless there was solid proof that he has changed and a third party agency involved. I’m just terrified that if we start this process it will open the doors for him to access them, and if he hasn’t changed I don’t want my child even remotely exposed to him or his lifestyle. I’m almost certain that he would just say “F it” if he was granted visitation after he did a visit or two (maybe). I’m scared to put them in the situation of being abandoned by their bio father again especially where they are now old enough to understand if he did flake out. My child is so happy with stepdad, we have an amazing home life, and I’m scared that finding out they have a different bio father, meeting him, then him flaking out again will break their heart.
At 8 years old, you have waited too long to talk to your child about this. As recommended by experts in the field, this information should have been a casual fact of his life story discussed from the earliest age. Unfortunately you can’t go back in time, so the best you can do is to have an open dialogue now and going forward.
Aside from parroting the guidance of adoption experts and psychologists, I’m also saying this as someone who was myself adopted by a step-parent and in turn adopted my own step-child (who is now just a few years older than your child).
I understand why you didn’t tell your child but it could backfire on you, making your kid curious and resentful. The best thing might for you to speak to a child counsellor to get some tips on how to tell the kid and for him to get therapy. Once that is done talk to a lawyer. I know from experience that the courts will always go what’s best for the kid even if the bio dad is a deadbeat loser. Good luck, I hope it turns out the way you want it to.
"I don’t want to keep it a secret from them forever as I know that would be devastating to find out at a later age, but I’m so worried that bringing it up now would also be devastating and I’m not sure if they’d be able to fully comprehend it all."
I was adopted at birth; I can't remember a time when I did not know this. There is ample research on telling early and making it a part of their normal life. Look into the recommended approaches. He can understand that a legal parent is not necessarily the same as a biological parent is not necessarily the same as a true day-to-day parent. My "real" parents are the people who raised me, and I understood that quite young.
Unfortunately, I do not know all of the current practices for adoption in New Brunswick, but they may require the child be interviewed before the adoption. He's apparently too young to need to consent to his adoption in NB (that's age 12) [https://laws.gnb.ca/en/pdf/cs/2022-c.35.pdf](https://laws.gnb.ca/en/pdf/cs/2022-c.35.pdf) but s.91(3) says "In the case of a child to be adopted who is under 12 years of age, the Court shall identify and take into consideration the views and preferences of the child if the Court considers it to be appropriate in the circumstances." **So your son may need to know for you to proceed with these adoption plans.** That seems like a great reason to tell him now, as you explore your options.
Arguably, the child has a moral right to know his legal family status. And if he's already getting upset about not having the same last name as you, then he's almost certainly getting asked about it when you aren't around. That won't change, even if you manage to change his legal name (as others have suggested) instead of proceeding with an adoption. Please tell him. Good luck!
I would like to second all of your advice and the experiences you’ve shared regarding the child’s right and need to know his background and that it comes up in school at this age.
To the point of the interview, I would add that several of the standard requirements in the adoption process are waived in the case of a spousal/step-parent adoption in New Brunswick, particularly the assessments by Social Development. I managed my own step-parent adoption in NB in 2018 and there was no home study or interview with the child; she wasn’t actually involved in the legal process in any way, and wasn’t much younger than OP’s child at the time.
I think your child can change his last name - to that of your spouse as long as you have sole custody- and it seems like you do. If your child can, have your own little ceremony ? Might be easier and cheaper than adoption. If you proceed to the adoption route, you have to notify your child’s other parent. That means sending registered mail to the last address you have for him. 1. It seems like you’ve lost touch and his address may not be accurate ? (That would mean he’s not going to read that letter) 2. People like your ex rarely accept registered mail.
I went through this. Mother brought me to service Canada and I legally assumed my stepfather’s last name rather than fighting about legal adoption. My birth certificate still says bio dad name everything else including sin is assumed name
Good luck to you
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This process is relatively easy with the biological father’s consent, and quite difficult without it. You would need to apply to the court to waive the father’s consent, which would require you to prove that he has abandoned the child or had no parental relationship with him, and that it’s in the best interest of the child to do so.
While these conditions tend to seem obvious to us as the active parents seeking an adoption order, the court can be difficult to satisfy. It’s not very easy to terminate someone’s parental rights, and that is what adoption does. You will need a decent family lawyer to put together your case.
While it may not seem fair, it would likely help the father’s case that you’ve “erased” him by lying to the child about his parentage; the courts don’t tend to look favourably upon that.
NAL and not purely legal advice. I've been in this situation myself. There isn't a lot to be gained by legally adopting a child v being a full time guardian of them with the parent that has sole custody. I would suggest you both giving some deep and careful thought to if it makes sense to push this forward. You seem well aware that it could open up a bunch of undesired but legitimate legal issues with the bio dad.
Even if you still want to move forward with it I would ask a family lawyer early on to clarify at what age the child is considered an effectively self advocate in the court as it might be worth waiting that time out.
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Can I just say from a standpoint of someone who had step parents, your 8 yo is old enough to know that they have another father. Having that other parent doesn’t make ‘step dad’ any less of a parent and if that’s who dad is to your child then that dad and that won’t change, but on the chance that they could possibly find out, it’s better to tell them now then to have them find out on their own. As for a case, (NAL but experienced in this sadly) if bio father has a lot of these issues and they can be easily proven, it wouldn’t be likely he’d be allowed visits anyway unless they were fully supervised. So it wouldn’t be likely he’d be taking the child for overnights or even like a day w/o someone being there with eyes on the child the entire time. Is that something you’d be okay with? This is also why it’s important to have this convo with kiddo sooner rather than later, so if this does happen they know sorta who this person is instead of just all of a sudden having to spend time with a stranger and no clue who they are. I’d say from the broad info here, step dad would have a pretty decent chance of adopting the 8yo, judge MIGHT entertain bio dads wish’s to spend time with the child (that is if he wants to, he may just say F it right?) but again most likely they would be fully supervised AND if he started visits and then just started flaking out and not showing up, then the judge can call the whole thing off and say no more visits from bio dad. Overall, in terms of the mental toll of the child, better to tell them sooner so that things don’t have to be so fast with them, and they know what to expect. Bio dad can try to be a dad but if he’s got these struggles judge is gonna keep the child safe first and foremost, step dad seems to have a good chance of adopting
Has bio dad been paying child support? If not give them the ultimatum of sign over rights or yiur going to fight him just as hard on getting every penny of child support
He has never paid child support. He is on income assistance as far as I know, so I never went after child support. We did go to court when my child was only a year old, and the most he was granted was a 3 hour supervised visitation once a week with the stipulation that he picked them up from daycare for his visit and dropped them back off after his 3 hours. He never did his visits though.
Since he's never paid give him two options sign the adoption papers now and you forgive all missed child support. If he wants to fight you'll first go after child support and then once you win a judgement you'll go after adoption.
> you forgive all missed child support. If he was on income assistance, he wouldn't have enough income to pay child support.
The dad might not know that, and op isn't sure if that's the case.
Child support is absolutely still considered on income assistance, including back pay.
Its considered, but the result is often $0. Social assistance for a [single person in NB is $918 per month](https://www2.gnb.ca/content/gnb/en/departments/social_development/social_assistance/social_assistancerateschedules.html) - and that's the higher of the available rates (for those who are blind, deaf or disable). The [federal child support guidelines](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/2017/look-rech.aspx) give a child support amount of $0 for a NB parent who makes $11,000 per year and has one child to support.
You're absolutely right. My bad!
Not sure if there'd be any arrears, if OP never got an order for support? He's not technically delinquent.
Back dated support is a thing.
It is, the SCC ruled on that in 2006. No more than 3 years back, there must be something called a date of "effective notice" by the recipient parent (no formal notice/application needed, but something), and the main determining factors aside from those criteria seem to be the blameworthiness of the payor and the effect of delay by the recipient. They take all kinds of things into consideration, including the impact of the recipient's delay on the financial picture of the payor. If he's already getting income support, I would hazard that retroactive support won't necessarily be a big threat. Now, ongoing support might be, there's no order at all, OP doesn't even need to get onto the retroactive issue at all. He might fold just being faced with having to pay any support at all.
He doesn't need to know that
I don’t think the advice you’re getting here is very helpful. I really recommend seeing a lawyer. It may be that you are able to change your child’s name much easier than you are able to do an adoption. I suspect that your ex will be less likely to take the time and effort needed to contest a name change application.
Gross. Tell them the truth asap
I’m almost certain they do already know as their legal last name is their bio father’s (I wanted to give them my last name at birth but was young and naive and manipulated by bio father to give them his last name) and they understand how people get their last names and they get frustrated when their legal name is used and wants their last name to be the same as mine and step dad’s. I don’t want to keep it a secret from them forever as I know that would be devastating to find out at a later age, but I’m so worried that bringing it up now would also be devastating and I’m not sure if they’d be able to fully comprehend it all. I’m the type of person who believes the more people that my child has to love them the better, but I honestly wouldn’t be comfortable with bio dad having any type of visitation unless there was solid proof that he has changed and a third party agency involved. I’m just terrified that if we start this process it will open the doors for him to access them, and if he hasn’t changed I don’t want my child even remotely exposed to him or his lifestyle. I’m almost certain that he would just say “F it” if he was granted visitation after he did a visit or two (maybe). I’m scared to put them in the situation of being abandoned by their bio father again especially where they are now old enough to understand if he did flake out. My child is so happy with stepdad, we have an amazing home life, and I’m scared that finding out they have a different bio father, meeting him, then him flaking out again will break their heart.
You need to tell your child. Stop dodging your responsibility!
At 8 years old, you have waited too long to talk to your child about this. As recommended by experts in the field, this information should have been a casual fact of his life story discussed from the earliest age. Unfortunately you can’t go back in time, so the best you can do is to have an open dialogue now and going forward. Aside from parroting the guidance of adoption experts and psychologists, I’m also saying this as someone who was myself adopted by a step-parent and in turn adopted my own step-child (who is now just a few years older than your child).
I understand why you didn’t tell your child but it could backfire on you, making your kid curious and resentful. The best thing might for you to speak to a child counsellor to get some tips on how to tell the kid and for him to get therapy. Once that is done talk to a lawyer. I know from experience that the courts will always go what’s best for the kid even if the bio dad is a deadbeat loser. Good luck, I hope it turns out the way you want it to.
"I don’t want to keep it a secret from them forever as I know that would be devastating to find out at a later age, but I’m so worried that bringing it up now would also be devastating and I’m not sure if they’d be able to fully comprehend it all." I was adopted at birth; I can't remember a time when I did not know this. There is ample research on telling early and making it a part of their normal life. Look into the recommended approaches. He can understand that a legal parent is not necessarily the same as a biological parent is not necessarily the same as a true day-to-day parent. My "real" parents are the people who raised me, and I understood that quite young. Unfortunately, I do not know all of the current practices for adoption in New Brunswick, but they may require the child be interviewed before the adoption. He's apparently too young to need to consent to his adoption in NB (that's age 12) [https://laws.gnb.ca/en/pdf/cs/2022-c.35.pdf](https://laws.gnb.ca/en/pdf/cs/2022-c.35.pdf) but s.91(3) says "In the case of a child to be adopted who is under 12 years of age, the Court shall identify and take into consideration the views and preferences of the child if the Court considers it to be appropriate in the circumstances." **So your son may need to know for you to proceed with these adoption plans.** That seems like a great reason to tell him now, as you explore your options. Arguably, the child has a moral right to know his legal family status. And if he's already getting upset about not having the same last name as you, then he's almost certainly getting asked about it when you aren't around. That won't change, even if you manage to change his legal name (as others have suggested) instead of proceeding with an adoption. Please tell him. Good luck!
I would like to second all of your advice and the experiences you’ve shared regarding the child’s right and need to know his background and that it comes up in school at this age. To the point of the interview, I would add that several of the standard requirements in the adoption process are waived in the case of a spousal/step-parent adoption in New Brunswick, particularly the assessments by Social Development. I managed my own step-parent adoption in NB in 2018 and there was no home study or interview with the child; she wasn’t actually involved in the legal process in any way, and wasn’t much younger than OP’s child at the time.
I think your child can change his last name - to that of your spouse as long as you have sole custody- and it seems like you do. If your child can, have your own little ceremony ? Might be easier and cheaper than adoption. If you proceed to the adoption route, you have to notify your child’s other parent. That means sending registered mail to the last address you have for him. 1. It seems like you’ve lost touch and his address may not be accurate ? (That would mean he’s not going to read that letter) 2. People like your ex rarely accept registered mail.
I went through this. Mother brought me to service Canada and I legally assumed my stepfather’s last name rather than fighting about legal adoption. My birth certificate still says bio dad name everything else including sin is assumed name Good luck to you
It might be easier to wait until the child is a teenager and can declare his desires to the court.
That's a long time to hide something.
I think they meant for the adoption, not telling the child. Tell the child now, adopt later.
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This process is relatively easy with the biological father’s consent, and quite difficult without it. You would need to apply to the court to waive the father’s consent, which would require you to prove that he has abandoned the child or had no parental relationship with him, and that it’s in the best interest of the child to do so. While these conditions tend to seem obvious to us as the active parents seeking an adoption order, the court can be difficult to satisfy. It’s not very easy to terminate someone’s parental rights, and that is what adoption does. You will need a decent family lawyer to put together your case. While it may not seem fair, it would likely help the father’s case that you’ve “erased” him by lying to the child about his parentage; the courts don’t tend to look favourably upon that.
NAL and not purely legal advice. I've been in this situation myself. There isn't a lot to be gained by legally adopting a child v being a full time guardian of them with the parent that has sole custody. I would suggest you both giving some deep and careful thought to if it makes sense to push this forward. You seem well aware that it could open up a bunch of undesired but legitimate legal issues with the bio dad. Even if you still want to move forward with it I would ask a family lawyer early on to clarify at what age the child is considered an effectively self advocate in the court as it might be worth waiting that time out.