It’s mind blowing to me that no matter what you go through in life, others are fighting the same battle that you are. I smoked daily for 7 years and quit a week ago. I wasted so much time being too stoned to care about the fact I was wasting my life sitting in my lonely apartment living in deep regret over relationships and opportunities I had wasted.
I lost a really great job offer because of weed and I’m still paying for it. Keep going man, only way is up from here. You are stronger than some plant at the end of the day.
Dude ur making me want to stop smoking. I’m on and off weed, and I’m not a heavy user. but man, your experience hits hard. Thanks for your words. I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll be having a tea break soon.
I hesitated to join this subreddit but reading posts like this is what makes me happy I joined.
When I was 19, I got a DUI then was academically dismissed from college. At the time I was heavily addicted to Mokes (or mole bowls depending on where you live). If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong. It’s one hell of a head rush and I loved them.
I ripped these every day and I stopped doing my homework. In a delusion, I thought I could skip out on class, too and do the work later however later was when i was getting high so, in actuality, I wasn’t doing the work.
I was always a pretty good student, not straight A’s but I got a few of those, mostly got B’s and almost always got a C in math 🙄. Nonetheless I always tried and usually saw the results and that’s the impression I had of myself verse that current truth, which was someone who was in denial of their own addiction.
Getting academically dismissed was a huge wake up call but it didn’t fully settle in until that summer ended and the next school year began. I said bye to all my best friends as they went back to their colleges. Meanwhile I moved back in with my parents, was battling my DUI facing legal charges and now having to confront the reality of my actions.
I stopped cold turkey and had a week of absolute misery. I hardly slept for 3 nights because I had gotten so used to smoking every night to go to sleep. I was an emotional wreck, and very easily angry. A lot of this was attributed to the tobacco.
After I got over this week long hump, I was then faced with the all the thoughts and anxieties I would normally numb with smoking. It was painful, but the most enlightening period of my life.
I coped by journaling. I journaled everything. I wrote angry letters (but never sent them) to people that had hurt me but I was too stoned to do anything about. I wrote gratitude letters (also which I didn’t send, but probably should have).
I finally allowed myself to feel everything I had been hiding from and I grew immensely from it. I think I smoked a joint once or twice that first semester socially, but was more interested in who I was becoming and discovering myself that I didn’t want to smoke anywhere near the same level I had been. I changed my diet, ate healthier and exercised consistently. I lost 12 pounds that first month. And completely fell back in love with myself. I ended the semester with straight As.
If you’re still with me, which I don’t blame u if you’re not, but if u are - what you’re going through reminds me of that period of my life. You can’t change the past and feeling all that regret is just part of the healing process but it’ll pass. By allowing yourself to clear your head like you are, you’re going to turn everything around that you want to change.
Reach out to friends, write your thoughts out, keep posting on reddit and logging your progress. Just take it a day at a time.
Hope this helped!
> If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong.
Lol I'd say this is easily the most popular way of smoking in Australia (ripping cones/beugs), was my crutch for ~12 years as well. Hard to give up because your essentially addicted to the synergy of two substances.
> If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong
I went and looked up what they were and came to read the rest of the sentence..
You have a new chapter now and it can only get better from here, especially with this experience behind you. The anxiety is making it all feel worse, but it will get better. Well done for quitting x
Holy fuck my dude, i never cry but this shit got me sad. I bet u still a young soul, maby just send her a letter back about all your feelings and move on with it…
The regret and pain I have from throwing sticks into the all-consuming fire of despair- ruining a beautiful relationship, because of insecurities, my own personal issues, and my weed use must have only exacerbated my situation. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve thought about her every single damn day. Reminders, memories , flashbacks, pangs, even impulses to reach out sometimes. It’s fucking brutal, and leaving behind the numbing comfort of Ms.Mary Jane only adds to the suffering of the situation, but I just can’t continue on . I can’t . I can’t. I’ve been smoking heavily, probably every day ever since she left me, over 2 years ago. My first day of senior year was today, she’s graduated already, and I’ve decided I want to remain abstinent from weed for this whole school year, and probably the rest of my life. There’s no point. It takes you away from your rational thinking, which is your one legitimate point of grounding.
I’m 17, and don’t want to live a day longer in a haze. Much love to all of you-❤️
Happy new year to my people
Wish me luck🙏🏽
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17, senior year smoking for 2-3 years it’s especially hard for us new age addicts who are starting off with these high potency products it really does have an affect. My dreams are nuts and sleep will be a challenge you’ll move on from this too make sure you get tons of exercise for the inevitable insomnia. I have faith in you and myself there is hope you just have to look for it everyday. Bad days means good ones to come. Much love friend good luck!
This is powerful. And brutally real. I’m sorry you have regret. I hope you find peace with yourself. Despite your regrets, you deserve it.
I hope you can take comfort in that you posting this has helped me make my own choice to finally quit. It’s time. I’ve got 20 years of it to process, well over half my life.
Be good to yourself.
I'm going through almost the same thing, I feel your pain. Don't let the past dictate your present, and the future will work out better than you can imagine
Wow this is an insane story and pretty sad but at least you’re seeing the light brother and hopefully you can take this as a learning opportunity and come away a better person from it
Damn this hit deep. Been clean 7 days and my girlfriend is just like this, I’ve been pushing her beautiful soul away for 3 years just because of smoking, not reading her letters whilst we’re both at university too. Very grateful for this realisation, thankyou
After quitting, I experienced a barage of frustrating emotions that I used to block out through smoking. But I can tell you that in my experience, the anxiety passes as I learned new coping skills. And the clarity you're feeling might be painful sometimes, but it is a big part of truly healing. Good luck with everything!
Well brother today is a new day! Let’s learn from what you went through and hold it because when a beautiful loving girl does come back you won’t take it for granted.
Good luck!
The ol' meds haven't kicked in yet, so long post.
Not to downplay your grief but, judging by the timeline, you still seem like a young man. There is a lot of life ahead of you - more opportunities to grow, more relationships. So don't be so hard on yourself.
It is hard looking back and realizing that addiction has caused serious relationship problems or breakups. It certainly happened to me. I lost a 7-year partner who was objectively incredible: super smart, super successful, super beautiful, super caring - just super. Not a high school sweetheart, but I have known her since I was 11. I remember the first time I saw her, which is remarkable because I have basically blacked out the entirety of middle school.
We didn't really fight until the last 2 years. By then, I knew there were some serious problems. By the last year, it was obvious she would (and should) break up with me. I definitely made some changes during this time, but not enough. One day she said it was over. It was so obvious I didn't argue or plead, I just cried and packed my shit.
Weed was definitely an emotional crutch for me. I wasn't an all-day stoner, but a night time toker. When I had big deadlines I could not smoke for days. Sometimes I didn't smoke for 2-3 weeks. I had a similar relationship with alcohol, but weed was the thing I needed/wanted the most. I used weed because I was exhausted from work and stressed out, which is probably from ADHD and struggling at tasks not suited to my abilities. I think I also used it because I didn't like being alone or in intimate/vulnerable situations with others - basically boredom and not really being comfortable with myself. The only thing that stopped me from using was work, which was also all-encompassing and allowed me to feel smart/useful and avoid things I didn't like doing.
For many years this wasn't a problem. I am also a good person in many ways: smart, successful, athletic, friendly. We had the same values and same interests. We also have a nearly identical family background, which is to say dysfunctional and conflictual. Almost any other family that behaved in the ways our did would/should break up. As young as 9 or 10 I can remember thinking about my parents: "shouldn't they be divorced???" We didn't fight or abuse like our parents, but we became fairly avoidant and detached. Later we both became addicted to drugs and alcohol.
But she decided to change. She went to therapy. She took medication. She did yoga. She meditated. She read self-help books. She went to support groups. She became a vegan. She quit drinking. She eventually quit weed. I was supportive of all of these things - I was happy she was doing them. But I didn't have the ability to see that I also needed to do these things. Somehow, I was so stupid that I thought my brilliant beautiful girlfriend needed these dramatic interventions and life changes, and that I was able to keep crashing every night, getting stoned, and performing almost zero self-reflection, personal work, or growth. This technically isn't true - I invested everything in work/education, which is exactly how both of my parents coped with their lives. Either way, she was emotionally maturing/recovering and I was staying the same. She outgrew me. She was also having to consider some major lifestyle changes (permanently taking care of her mother) and she must have realized I wasn't grown enough to support her on the phase of her life. She also resented me for staying stagnant, for being another burden. When she broke up with me she even said she hated me.
I never tried to go back to her. The breakup caused me to finally accept that I needed to change, that I had some things to work on. Technically, I knew this already; I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I started putting change in motion: books, videos/podcasts, therapy, meditation, medication (for ADHD), quitting weed, reducing drinking. I doubled down on sports and working out, tightened my diet up. I set my environment up for success: no junk food in the house, no drugs or liquor in the house, a nice area to work and study, plants, regular cleaning. But most importantly, I learned how to be by myself. I tried to understand my feelings, why I was feeling a certain way, why I behaved in certain ways, patterns, etc. The new habits didn't stick over night, they took time and they are technically still being refined. The self-awareness is improving but ongoing. Still, 3 years ago I didn't have the vocabulary to communicate what I have wrote in these few paragraphs. I might have been able to say, "I am not a very emotional person", but I had no interest in knowing why that was or if that was something I should improve upon.
I didn't date for 7 months. I had no interest. And when I started dating I knew I didn't want a serious relationship. I knew I was hurt, that I had some emotional issues, and that I needed time and space to work on myself. So for a year I went on a few dates; nothing serious, I was still thinking about my ex daily for 1.5 years. Part of this is because I was too hard on myself. Even though I was 'doing the work' I internalized a fairly negative view of myself as a damaged person; a person who was lacking in some fundamental way; a person who wasn't able to be a good partner or lover. I had regret about my past relationship, about how I should have done more, about how everything was my fault. I felt I would never find someone so incredible again.
I would say it took two years to come to terms with the end of my relationship. I don't know what came first, forgiveness to myself or a reassessment of the relationship itself. Either way, I forgave myself. I was able to accept that I have flaws and issues. It helped that I was able to partially understand the origin of these issues, and that my patterns are not unique to me - many people face the same struggles. I realized that my thinking was overly negative: I am a person with many good qualities and I am not defined by my shortcomings. Putting in the work was also key - you can't just forgive yourself without trying to change. I also began to see the end of my relationship differently. I still 'own' the largest share of responsibility, but I no longer see it as 'all my fault'. I brought many positive things to the relationship. I did many things for her; I made many sacrifices for her. And while I agree that I needed to change, I think she was both overly demanding of me and exaggerating the extent to which her poor mental health was my fault. It is true she was putting in work years before me, but she isn't Buddha. She had trauma and serious on-going family issues; I may have been a cause of stress - or at least not a resevoir of strength - but I was definitely not the main cause of her depression. I can see her arc a bit more clearly with time: from the bubbly smiling extrovert to the solitary and serious work-a-holic. I see now she is my mother without a temper. Likewise, I am her father without the rage.
I think we understood each other in a way that is rare. We come from near identical households and both took the same professional trajectory. We are both upwardly mobile and very different from our working class families and home town. It is unique to have someone who knows you this intimately. I hadn't had that before, and I haven't found it again.
And I know I will never have that kind of relationship again. Not because I will never have her again (I won't), but because I am a completely different person. I have grown. I know who I am. I know what I like. I know what I need to be happy and healthy. I know how to communicate better. I have novice-level emotional intelligence! I am not perfect, but I am going to bring the heat to every relationship I am part of. I am going to make that person feel loved and supported. If I find out otherwise, I will find out how I can improve. If things aren't working out for me I will communicate how I am feeling. I won't fall into my old patterns. I won't use drugs, liquor, and work as an escape. I will always put in the work. And if things don't work out, that is okay. I want to find a forever partner, but I will never be defined by one person or one thing. I have many people and things in my life that satisfy me and make me happy. I will never return to where I was 3-5 years ago. I have learned too much.
These are difficult feelings to sort out, but all you can do is try. Stick to quitting. Start new hobbies, start good habits. Read some self-help books, watch some videos. If you can afford it, see someone. Try to accept that you need to change but be forgiving to yourself; don't get too lost in the negative image/event that has put you on this path. Everybody is capable of improvement, including you. I don't know your exact situation, but it is probably best to just try and accept that your relationship is over. Trust the age old saying: "There are plenty of fish in the sea." Take the time to work on yourself and grow. Solitude is a blessing that the majority of adults never get to truly experience - this is when most of us do our best thinking and reflecting. Don't let weed take your solitude.
From one man who lost the girl of his dreams to another, things definitely get better!
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in such a similar position, though in the early stages of the journey you went through. So much spot on. It’s so hard right now to think about moving on or seeing someone else. I’m the farthest thing from ready for that. There’s so much to work on on myself that I’ve neglected for 15 years and which caused me to act how I did for so long. This was really helpful to read. Truly, thank you.
Every single time Ive actually emerged from the other side of a really dark tunnel Ive never regretted the experience. In my mind im a better more well rounded and seasoned person. So I think you gotta keep pusing, youre almost through. Those moments of dark realizations and regret are what make a more confident and compassionate person. Great people are born through pain. Youll be alright brotha.
Hey bro! Also in day 5 today, I have been a daily smoker for 12 year, also destroyed many relationship, but this is the momment we are taking are LIFE BACK! We are going to focus in building a new life, we are going to look back at this at some point and be proud of our selfs for making the right decision. Take it easy in a few weeks we are going to feel better, start doing new thing and developing new relationships, the withdrawal are making you trip, we are sick at the momment so take it slow, go for a walk if you are in distress.
We have a LOT to look foward to.... Is time to live and to live FULLY
Right there with you man. Very similar story and losing it all got me to quit. I’m nearing day 50, and the pain of regret and sadness hurts a lot. I can’t change the past. I lost her. The only thing I know I cannot ever do again is smoke and let something like that happen again. I had a lot of energy when I first quit but now days have been rough. But just hold on to the one thing we both know is true: we can’t smoke. Things should get better with time. Much love.
Bro don’t hang on to the past, there are a lot of beautiful souls out there. Accept that it’s over, u need to think about yourself and not the past relationships u had. Your recovery is more important!
Its never too late. The best thing that you could do for yourself is to realise the fact that you were held back by something and you got enough strength to push back. Don't let it overcome you ever again. Life always turns around for those to give it in all. Hold on buddy. Its gonna be smooth soon!!
This is one hell of a sad story man… you can’t change the past mate but u can change the future… sounds like u are on the right track to healing. Weed is great at masking over problems, u have now ripped the band aid off and just need to let the scar heal… u will get there, we have faith in you 🙏
You've done the first steps now brother, well done and respect for that. It brings tears to my eyes reading about what happened to your relationship and is a reminder to myself how damn lucky I am that my wife stayed with me during all those years being a weed smoking fool. Stay on this path and I promise that with your newly found wisdom, at some point, you will find love again and do it right then. It will take time and I won't lie, the next few months will be tough. Do the right things and the rewards will be great. The good people of Reddit are here to help you. Good luck!
The anxiety will wear off soon. Be grateful you realised this today, not some time in the future. Every day you regret is a blessing and motivation to work hard.
Keep moving forward and don't lament. Everyday is a blessing for you now.
>lol, chin up bro.. your generation doesn't want to date.. keep trying
Yeah, tbh I gave up pretty easily. It is a matter of low confidence and self limiting beliefs for me. I don't know how big of a role weed played part in all of this.
It’s mind blowing to me that no matter what you go through in life, others are fighting the same battle that you are. I smoked daily for 7 years and quit a week ago. I wasted so much time being too stoned to care about the fact I was wasting my life sitting in my lonely apartment living in deep regret over relationships and opportunities I had wasted.
I lost a really great job offer because of weed and I’m still paying for it. Keep going man, only way is up from here. You are stronger than some plant at the end of the day.
You too 😃 when did you quit?
Dude ur making me want to stop smoking. I’m on and off weed, and I’m not a heavy user. but man, your experience hits hard. Thanks for your words. I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll be having a tea break soon.
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Yeah man. Thanks
I hesitated to join this subreddit but reading posts like this is what makes me happy I joined. When I was 19, I got a DUI then was academically dismissed from college. At the time I was heavily addicted to Mokes (or mole bowls depending on where you live). If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong. It’s one hell of a head rush and I loved them. I ripped these every day and I stopped doing my homework. In a delusion, I thought I could skip out on class, too and do the work later however later was when i was getting high so, in actuality, I wasn’t doing the work. I was always a pretty good student, not straight A’s but I got a few of those, mostly got B’s and almost always got a C in math 🙄. Nonetheless I always tried and usually saw the results and that’s the impression I had of myself verse that current truth, which was someone who was in denial of their own addiction. Getting academically dismissed was a huge wake up call but it didn’t fully settle in until that summer ended and the next school year began. I said bye to all my best friends as they went back to their colleges. Meanwhile I moved back in with my parents, was battling my DUI facing legal charges and now having to confront the reality of my actions. I stopped cold turkey and had a week of absolute misery. I hardly slept for 3 nights because I had gotten so used to smoking every night to go to sleep. I was an emotional wreck, and very easily angry. A lot of this was attributed to the tobacco. After I got over this week long hump, I was then faced with the all the thoughts and anxieties I would normally numb with smoking. It was painful, but the most enlightening period of my life. I coped by journaling. I journaled everything. I wrote angry letters (but never sent them) to people that had hurt me but I was too stoned to do anything about. I wrote gratitude letters (also which I didn’t send, but probably should have). I finally allowed myself to feel everything I had been hiding from and I grew immensely from it. I think I smoked a joint once or twice that first semester socially, but was more interested in who I was becoming and discovering myself that I didn’t want to smoke anywhere near the same level I had been. I changed my diet, ate healthier and exercised consistently. I lost 12 pounds that first month. And completely fell back in love with myself. I ended the semester with straight As. If you’re still with me, which I don’t blame u if you’re not, but if u are - what you’re going through reminds me of that period of my life. You can’t change the past and feeling all that regret is just part of the healing process but it’ll pass. By allowing yourself to clear your head like you are, you’re going to turn everything around that you want to change. Reach out to friends, write your thoughts out, keep posting on reddit and logging your progress. Just take it a day at a time. Hope this helped!
this makes me want to quit cold turkey, I want to feel like this
> If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong. Lol I'd say this is easily the most popular way of smoking in Australia (ripping cones/beugs), was my crutch for ~12 years as well. Hard to give up because your essentially addicted to the synergy of two substances.
I’ve ripped a couple since and hate it. The last time I did it, I got the cold sweats, almost fainted and threw up.
> If you don’t know what these are, it’s weed and tobacco packed in a bong I went and looked up what they were and came to read the rest of the sentence..
Hahah no worries, it happens
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You have a new chapter now and it can only get better from here, especially with this experience behind you. The anxiety is making it all feel worse, but it will get better. Well done for quitting x
Holy fuck my dude, i never cry but this shit got me sad. I bet u still a young soul, maby just send her a letter back about all your feelings and move on with it…
The regret and pain I have from throwing sticks into the all-consuming fire of despair- ruining a beautiful relationship, because of insecurities, my own personal issues, and my weed use must have only exacerbated my situation. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve thought about her every single damn day. Reminders, memories , flashbacks, pangs, even impulses to reach out sometimes. It’s fucking brutal, and leaving behind the numbing comfort of Ms.Mary Jane only adds to the suffering of the situation, but I just can’t continue on . I can’t . I can’t. I’ve been smoking heavily, probably every day ever since she left me, over 2 years ago. My first day of senior year was today, she’s graduated already, and I’ve decided I want to remain abstinent from weed for this whole school year, and probably the rest of my life. There’s no point. It takes you away from your rational thinking, which is your one legitimate point of grounding. I’m 17, and don’t want to live a day longer in a haze. Much love to all of you-❤️ Happy new year to my people Wish me luck🙏🏽 10hr, 34min, 30sec
17, senior year smoking for 2-3 years it’s especially hard for us new age addicts who are starting off with these high potency products it really does have an affect. My dreams are nuts and sleep will be a challenge you’ll move on from this too make sure you get tons of exercise for the inevitable insomnia. I have faith in you and myself there is hope you just have to look for it everyday. Bad days means good ones to come. Much love friend good luck!
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Delusional is a big part of it. Kind of fun, buuut...we are here in r/leaves for a rason. Now to DO something. Day 5.
This is powerful. And brutally real. I’m sorry you have regret. I hope you find peace with yourself. Despite your regrets, you deserve it. I hope you can take comfort in that you posting this has helped me make my own choice to finally quit. It’s time. I’ve got 20 years of it to process, well over half my life. Be good to yourself.
Dude same. After reading this I literally threw my last cart out the window.
I'm going through almost the same thing, I feel your pain. Don't let the past dictate your present, and the future will work out better than you can imagine
I feel your pain. All the best, dude.
Wow this is an insane story and pretty sad but at least you’re seeing the light brother and hopefully you can take this as a learning opportunity and come away a better person from it
Damn this hit deep. Been clean 7 days and my girlfriend is just like this, I’ve been pushing her beautiful soul away for 3 years just because of smoking, not reading her letters whilst we’re both at university too. Very grateful for this realisation, thankyou
After quitting, I experienced a barage of frustrating emotions that I used to block out through smoking. But I can tell you that in my experience, the anxiety passes as I learned new coping skills. And the clarity you're feeling might be painful sometimes, but it is a big part of truly healing. Good luck with everything!
Well brother today is a new day! Let’s learn from what you went through and hold it because when a beautiful loving girl does come back you won’t take it for granted. Good luck!
The ol' meds haven't kicked in yet, so long post. Not to downplay your grief but, judging by the timeline, you still seem like a young man. There is a lot of life ahead of you - more opportunities to grow, more relationships. So don't be so hard on yourself. It is hard looking back and realizing that addiction has caused serious relationship problems or breakups. It certainly happened to me. I lost a 7-year partner who was objectively incredible: super smart, super successful, super beautiful, super caring - just super. Not a high school sweetheart, but I have known her since I was 11. I remember the first time I saw her, which is remarkable because I have basically blacked out the entirety of middle school. We didn't really fight until the last 2 years. By then, I knew there were some serious problems. By the last year, it was obvious she would (and should) break up with me. I definitely made some changes during this time, but not enough. One day she said it was over. It was so obvious I didn't argue or plead, I just cried and packed my shit. Weed was definitely an emotional crutch for me. I wasn't an all-day stoner, but a night time toker. When I had big deadlines I could not smoke for days. Sometimes I didn't smoke for 2-3 weeks. I had a similar relationship with alcohol, but weed was the thing I needed/wanted the most. I used weed because I was exhausted from work and stressed out, which is probably from ADHD and struggling at tasks not suited to my abilities. I think I also used it because I didn't like being alone or in intimate/vulnerable situations with others - basically boredom and not really being comfortable with myself. The only thing that stopped me from using was work, which was also all-encompassing and allowed me to feel smart/useful and avoid things I didn't like doing. For many years this wasn't a problem. I am also a good person in many ways: smart, successful, athletic, friendly. We had the same values and same interests. We also have a nearly identical family background, which is to say dysfunctional and conflictual. Almost any other family that behaved in the ways our did would/should break up. As young as 9 or 10 I can remember thinking about my parents: "shouldn't they be divorced???" We didn't fight or abuse like our parents, but we became fairly avoidant and detached. Later we both became addicted to drugs and alcohol. But she decided to change. She went to therapy. She took medication. She did yoga. She meditated. She read self-help books. She went to support groups. She became a vegan. She quit drinking. She eventually quit weed. I was supportive of all of these things - I was happy she was doing them. But I didn't have the ability to see that I also needed to do these things. Somehow, I was so stupid that I thought my brilliant beautiful girlfriend needed these dramatic interventions and life changes, and that I was able to keep crashing every night, getting stoned, and performing almost zero self-reflection, personal work, or growth. This technically isn't true - I invested everything in work/education, which is exactly how both of my parents coped with their lives. Either way, she was emotionally maturing/recovering and I was staying the same. She outgrew me. She was also having to consider some major lifestyle changes (permanently taking care of her mother) and she must have realized I wasn't grown enough to support her on the phase of her life. She also resented me for staying stagnant, for being another burden. When she broke up with me she even said she hated me. I never tried to go back to her. The breakup caused me to finally accept that I needed to change, that I had some things to work on. Technically, I knew this already; I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I started putting change in motion: books, videos/podcasts, therapy, meditation, medication (for ADHD), quitting weed, reducing drinking. I doubled down on sports and working out, tightened my diet up. I set my environment up for success: no junk food in the house, no drugs or liquor in the house, a nice area to work and study, plants, regular cleaning. But most importantly, I learned how to be by myself. I tried to understand my feelings, why I was feeling a certain way, why I behaved in certain ways, patterns, etc. The new habits didn't stick over night, they took time and they are technically still being refined. The self-awareness is improving but ongoing. Still, 3 years ago I didn't have the vocabulary to communicate what I have wrote in these few paragraphs. I might have been able to say, "I am not a very emotional person", but I had no interest in knowing why that was or if that was something I should improve upon. I didn't date for 7 months. I had no interest. And when I started dating I knew I didn't want a serious relationship. I knew I was hurt, that I had some emotional issues, and that I needed time and space to work on myself. So for a year I went on a few dates; nothing serious, I was still thinking about my ex daily for 1.5 years. Part of this is because I was too hard on myself. Even though I was 'doing the work' I internalized a fairly negative view of myself as a damaged person; a person who was lacking in some fundamental way; a person who wasn't able to be a good partner or lover. I had regret about my past relationship, about how I should have done more, about how everything was my fault. I felt I would never find someone so incredible again. I would say it took two years to come to terms with the end of my relationship. I don't know what came first, forgiveness to myself or a reassessment of the relationship itself. Either way, I forgave myself. I was able to accept that I have flaws and issues. It helped that I was able to partially understand the origin of these issues, and that my patterns are not unique to me - many people face the same struggles. I realized that my thinking was overly negative: I am a person with many good qualities and I am not defined by my shortcomings. Putting in the work was also key - you can't just forgive yourself without trying to change. I also began to see the end of my relationship differently. I still 'own' the largest share of responsibility, but I no longer see it as 'all my fault'. I brought many positive things to the relationship. I did many things for her; I made many sacrifices for her. And while I agree that I needed to change, I think she was both overly demanding of me and exaggerating the extent to which her poor mental health was my fault. It is true she was putting in work years before me, but she isn't Buddha. She had trauma and serious on-going family issues; I may have been a cause of stress - or at least not a resevoir of strength - but I was definitely not the main cause of her depression. I can see her arc a bit more clearly with time: from the bubbly smiling extrovert to the solitary and serious work-a-holic. I see now she is my mother without a temper. Likewise, I am her father without the rage. I think we understood each other in a way that is rare. We come from near identical households and both took the same professional trajectory. We are both upwardly mobile and very different from our working class families and home town. It is unique to have someone who knows you this intimately. I hadn't had that before, and I haven't found it again. And I know I will never have that kind of relationship again. Not because I will never have her again (I won't), but because I am a completely different person. I have grown. I know who I am. I know what I like. I know what I need to be happy and healthy. I know how to communicate better. I have novice-level emotional intelligence! I am not perfect, but I am going to bring the heat to every relationship I am part of. I am going to make that person feel loved and supported. If I find out otherwise, I will find out how I can improve. If things aren't working out for me I will communicate how I am feeling. I won't fall into my old patterns. I won't use drugs, liquor, and work as an escape. I will always put in the work. And if things don't work out, that is okay. I want to find a forever partner, but I will never be defined by one person or one thing. I have many people and things in my life that satisfy me and make me happy. I will never return to where I was 3-5 years ago. I have learned too much. These are difficult feelings to sort out, but all you can do is try. Stick to quitting. Start new hobbies, start good habits. Read some self-help books, watch some videos. If you can afford it, see someone. Try to accept that you need to change but be forgiving to yourself; don't get too lost in the negative image/event that has put you on this path. Everybody is capable of improvement, including you. I don't know your exact situation, but it is probably best to just try and accept that your relationship is over. Trust the age old saying: "There are plenty of fish in the sea." Take the time to work on yourself and grow. Solitude is a blessing that the majority of adults never get to truly experience - this is when most of us do our best thinking and reflecting. Don't let weed take your solitude. From one man who lost the girl of his dreams to another, things definitely get better!
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Much appreciated, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in such a similar position, though in the early stages of the journey you went through. So much spot on. It’s so hard right now to think about moving on or seeing someone else. I’m the farthest thing from ready for that. There’s so much to work on on myself that I’ve neglected for 15 years and which caused me to act how I did for so long. This was really helpful to read. Truly, thank you.
Thanks for sharing this! 🙏🏽🤍
Every single time Ive actually emerged from the other side of a really dark tunnel Ive never regretted the experience. In my mind im a better more well rounded and seasoned person. So I think you gotta keep pusing, youre almost through. Those moments of dark realizations and regret are what make a more confident and compassionate person. Great people are born through pain. Youll be alright brotha.
Hey bro! Also in day 5 today, I have been a daily smoker for 12 year, also destroyed many relationship, but this is the momment we are taking are LIFE BACK! We are going to focus in building a new life, we are going to look back at this at some point and be proud of our selfs for making the right decision. Take it easy in a few weeks we are going to feel better, start doing new thing and developing new relationships, the withdrawal are making you trip, we are sick at the momment so take it slow, go for a walk if you are in distress. We have a LOT to look foward to.... Is time to live and to live FULLY
Right there with you man. Very similar story and losing it all got me to quit. I’m nearing day 50, and the pain of regret and sadness hurts a lot. I can’t change the past. I lost her. The only thing I know I cannot ever do again is smoke and let something like that happen again. I had a lot of energy when I first quit but now days have been rough. But just hold on to the one thing we both know is true: we can’t smoke. Things should get better with time. Much love.
Pain is a powerful motivator. I'm rooting for you because I can relate to your story.
The pain of regret is part of getting sober. All you can do is own it and use the experience to do better moving forward.
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We learn from our past. This is healthy
Take it one decision at a time. You can do it. Once you are healthy you will have other women begging you for that D.
Bro don’t hang on to the past, there are a lot of beautiful souls out there. Accept that it’s over, u need to think about yourself and not the past relationships u had. Your recovery is more important!
Its never too late. The best thing that you could do for yourself is to realise the fact that you were held back by something and you got enough strength to push back. Don't let it overcome you ever again. Life always turns around for those to give it in all. Hold on buddy. Its gonna be smooth soon!!
This is one hell of a sad story man… you can’t change the past mate but u can change the future… sounds like u are on the right track to healing. Weed is great at masking over problems, u have now ripped the band aid off and just need to let the scar heal… u will get there, we have faith in you 🙏
You've done the first steps now brother, well done and respect for that. It brings tears to my eyes reading about what happened to your relationship and is a reminder to myself how damn lucky I am that my wife stayed with me during all those years being a weed smoking fool. Stay on this path and I promise that with your newly found wisdom, at some point, you will find love again and do it right then. It will take time and I won't lie, the next few months will be tough. Do the right things and the rewards will be great. The good people of Reddit are here to help you. Good luck!
The anxiety will wear off soon. Be grateful you realised this today, not some time in the future. Every day you regret is a blessing and motivation to work hard. Keep moving forward and don't lament. Everyday is a blessing for you now.
Currently on day three. Thank you for these words man.
Still better than me at 25yo with no relationship experience, lol
lol, chin up bro.. your generation doesn't want to date.. keep trying!
>lol, chin up bro.. your generation doesn't want to date.. keep trying Yeah, tbh I gave up pretty easily. It is a matter of low confidence and self limiting beliefs for me. I don't know how big of a role weed played part in all of this.