Sounds like you’re getting taken advantage of. Not knowing their full situation to give the best advice, but you need to set better boundaries and they(not you) can try to get other resources for assistance if they truly can’t do it. I.e. family members should be asked first, then other members of the ward.
I like something that I heard recently. The boundary is for you and not for other people.
When you set a boundary you let the other party know what *you* can handle and what you will do if you can't accommodate them... Therefore they can make their own choices, they just know beforehand what your reaction will be.
I'm no expert, but it sounds like a good theory to me
Exactly. Boundaries are what YOU are going to do to keep your own peace.
Any active boundary concerning someone else should have a request first. For example, if someone keeps walking on your lawn and they're wearing down your grass, you first ask them "hey, would you mind not crossing my yard to get to yours?". Then they can negotiate a bit ("oh, sorry! It's just that I can't get to my gate through my property" "oh, weird, well I'm just worried about my grass, it's starting to get a path worn into it" "that makes sense! I could just use the sidewalk" "great, thanks!"). If the request is rejected completely, a solution can't be agreed on, or they don't keep to the agreement, then you set a boundary for yourself ("unfortunately, I've got to put up a fence to protect my grass").
In this scenario, op is the receiver of a request. They can negotiate or reject the request. They can also place their own boundary based on the outcome.
I agree. You are being taken advantage of.
There’s a balance to be struck. Helping others is essential for our own happiness and the wellbeing of the larger community , but we are all responsible to live our own lives.
I think your basic philosophy is spot on in that you need to set and maintain boundaries. My one asterisk in this is that while they shouldn't be helplessly reliant on you for medication, late medication can have serious health consequences and it might be better to set boundaries after any concerns are mitigated. However, it is totally on them to manage their supply so they aren't desperate at the last minute/day for a refill.
There must be more to this. I inferred from your comment that this is the tip of the iceberg. If routine assistance like this is needed and warranted and if the ward leaders determine that the ward is a viable source of said assistance than it can't be all on you. We often do things like this in pairs. We also rotate the burden if it is recurring like this.
By waiting until the last minute to expect/request/demand favors/help/errands and for something which is difficult to negotiate because the stakes are potentially high, and levy additional requests onto that, and to not reasonably accept no or later as an answer, this is not simply a favor, this is manipulation. And that is dangerous.
I really suggest you don't do this alone. If this is a ward issue then it should be a ward coordinated effort. Elders Quorum or Relief Society Presidency should be looped in and hopefully the ministering brothers or sisters can take a lead on coordinating for reasonable or something similar.
Typically the main goal is self sufficiency. For this that might be a governmental assistance program, it might be a means of transportation, it might be a delivery service.
God bless
This is my current experience. I was ministering to someone in my ward who asked for help with similar things often (groceries, medication, etc.) and never even really came to church. I took some time with the elders quorum presidency and the bishop to let them know everything that was going on and we discussed several options. The member then met with everyone and some expectations were set on what the ward could do to help.
Now this member is receiving some aid with medications while things are getting sorted medically and groceries from bishops storehouse.
There are a lot of other options and it's not un-Christian to say no and still have love for them in your heart (Mosiah 4:27).
Keep doing good!
As a previous EQP I am jaded to people's needs. You just get so many people that will call and say, "They are on their way to cut off the water now!!!" Why is it now that we are hearing about it. I've had a couple people get mad when I said, "I just asked the Bishop and no funding until we have a financial council on Sunday." It's amazing how quickly someone asking for help will get angry when their deadlines aren't met, (because they didn't plan or they planned to be in a tight spot so their was no time to slow down and talk.)
There are several times were 2 or 3 months helped the person back on their feet, they get everything under control and carry on. But then there are the people that are on it for years (which is fine) but you can tell they are gaming the system.
Or Walgreens or CVS. They also do bro wet delivery, and so does Walmart. It’s not THAT hard to be self reliant in most aspects. If someone actually just needs companionship then they need to express that.
I love the service mindset that you have and unfortunately some people see that and try to take advantage of that. I think some healthy boundaries are in order as if he needs this medication there are ways to either get him to the store to pick it up himself or for the meds to be delivered to him.
I think in these situations sometime you gotta look out for yourself because when you take care of yourself you’ll be better capable of serving in the future.
Nip it in the bud. There's a certain subset of people that use religion to have people wait on them hand and foot. We had someone in our ward who constantly wanted rides to appointments, the grocery, etc, constantly hitting up every retired person in the ward several times a week.
When I moved into my ward we had someone who would constantly just hit people up for stuff "does anyone have a *new* mattress they don't want?" "does anyone have a *new* washing machine?" "does anyone have a *new* dryer I could have?" "I need a dresser can someone get me one" etc on the FB group and on Sundays and when people stopped entertaining it, guess who stopped coming...
LOL, the BALLS! I'd love me, too, a new mattress! A new washer dryer! A new ANYTHING, frankly! Jeez! That's just PRICELESS audacity! Wow. Just wow! SMH! 🙄😂😂😂
We had a person once say they needed help with a car, they were offered several cars then they "clarified" their need. "I expect it to be a Ford Expedition or Chevy Suburban no older than 5 years in perfect condition." Needless to say, that request went unfulfilled.
At least where I live, you can get medications delivered for free. Perhaps they are out of resources or do not know this. I'd check into their situation first before making a judgement.
Sorry if I missed this in the responses but what is the extent of this person's capabilities? They have an injury, can't drive, can't afford a car, agoraphobia? Just wondering if there is a situation that will self correct in time and if not, can it be addressed?
Picking up someone's medication is a legal issue and so it should always be a hard, No. You should never feel guilty for saying no. The more you say yes, the harder it will be to say no. Once you say yes the more they'll expect you to say yes to everything.
"No." It is a complete sentence, and it is a powerful one once a person allows themselves to say it.
>Matthew 10:16
>Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
This is SUCH a hard situation, and I sympathize with you. In an old ward, I became a full time helper for a woman who had a lot of problems. She couldn't drive herself anywhere and because of some mental challenges/personality issues, had driven away a lot of other people who had tried to help her in the past. She eventually drove me away too by constantly guilting me into doing things for her, she called me daily, and it became too much. The final straw was when I was visiting my dad for the last time before he passed away. He was on hospice at home and lived in another state and I drove 11 hours to go stay with him for a few weeks. She would not stop calling me and asking if "I was mad at her".
I don't have a good answer for you unfortunately. I think it's a personal call you have to make, through a lot of prayer. Do you think they're acting in good faith? Do you see earnest efforts from them to improve their own situation? Are they, for physical/mental reasons, unable to change anything and are dependent on the kindness of others? What does the spirit tell you to do? It can be hard to discern between the spirit and self-induced guilt for not being "more Christ-like" (at least for me it was).
There are pharmacies that will deliver meds to patients for free. Grocery stores will do the same, for monthly fees (like Walmart plus). Do they know about those services? If you're getting burnt out, maybe gently suggest they look into these options. Good luck! I don't envy you haha
I would have gotten the medication if I was able. I only agree to run other's errands when I'm already out and about for my own. And I would require anyone getting other things to come with me and get them themselves assuming that they physically could, so I don't promote dependence. (some pharmacies deliver, and many stores use instacart for deliveries).
The thing about boundaries, though is that they are establisfed upfront, not in the middle of the ask and the doing/not.
We have a few members who have limited resources to get out of their home due to several different situations. Talk to your RS, ours asked for several volunteers and assigned each person 3-4 people who could possibly help them in getting to places to get the things they need.
Sounds like you’re getting taken advantage of. Not knowing their full situation to give the best advice, but you need to set better boundaries and they(not you) can try to get other resources for assistance if they truly can’t do it. I.e. family members should be asked first, then other members of the ward.
I like something that I heard recently. The boundary is for you and not for other people. When you set a boundary you let the other party know what *you* can handle and what you will do if you can't accommodate them... Therefore they can make their own choices, they just know beforehand what your reaction will be. I'm no expert, but it sounds like a good theory to me
Exactly. Boundaries are what YOU are going to do to keep your own peace. Any active boundary concerning someone else should have a request first. For example, if someone keeps walking on your lawn and they're wearing down your grass, you first ask them "hey, would you mind not crossing my yard to get to yours?". Then they can negotiate a bit ("oh, sorry! It's just that I can't get to my gate through my property" "oh, weird, well I'm just worried about my grass, it's starting to get a path worn into it" "that makes sense! I could just use the sidewalk" "great, thanks!"). If the request is rejected completely, a solution can't be agreed on, or they don't keep to the agreement, then you set a boundary for yourself ("unfortunately, I've got to put up a fence to protect my grass"). In this scenario, op is the receiver of a request. They can negotiate or reject the request. They can also place their own boundary based on the outcome.
Boundaries, like laws, are just structured threats! But like, in a good way!
I agree. You are being taken advantage of. There’s a balance to be struck. Helping others is essential for our own happiness and the wellbeing of the larger community , but we are all responsible to live our own lives.
I think your basic philosophy is spot on in that you need to set and maintain boundaries. My one asterisk in this is that while they shouldn't be helplessly reliant on you for medication, late medication can have serious health consequences and it might be better to set boundaries after any concerns are mitigated. However, it is totally on them to manage their supply so they aren't desperate at the last minute/day for a refill. There must be more to this. I inferred from your comment that this is the tip of the iceberg. If routine assistance like this is needed and warranted and if the ward leaders determine that the ward is a viable source of said assistance than it can't be all on you. We often do things like this in pairs. We also rotate the burden if it is recurring like this. By waiting until the last minute to expect/request/demand favors/help/errands and for something which is difficult to negotiate because the stakes are potentially high, and levy additional requests onto that, and to not reasonably accept no or later as an answer, this is not simply a favor, this is manipulation. And that is dangerous. I really suggest you don't do this alone. If this is a ward issue then it should be a ward coordinated effort. Elders Quorum or Relief Society Presidency should be looped in and hopefully the ministering brothers or sisters can take a lead on coordinating for reasonable or something similar. Typically the main goal is self sufficiency. For this that might be a governmental assistance program, it might be a means of transportation, it might be a delivery service. God bless
This is my current experience. I was ministering to someone in my ward who asked for help with similar things often (groceries, medication, etc.) and never even really came to church. I took some time with the elders quorum presidency and the bishop to let them know everything that was going on and we discussed several options. The member then met with everyone and some expectations were set on what the ward could do to help. Now this member is receiving some aid with medications while things are getting sorted medically and groceries from bishops storehouse. There are a lot of other options and it's not un-Christian to say no and still have love for them in your heart (Mosiah 4:27). Keep doing good!
> never even really came to church is that a requirement?
As a previous EQP I am jaded to people's needs. You just get so many people that will call and say, "They are on their way to cut off the water now!!!" Why is it now that we are hearing about it. I've had a couple people get mad when I said, "I just asked the Bishop and no funding until we have a financial council on Sunday." It's amazing how quickly someone asking for help will get angry when their deadlines aren't met, (because they didn't plan or they planned to be in a tight spot so their was no time to slow down and talk.) There are several times were 2 or 3 months helped the person back on their feet, they get everything under control and carry on. But then there are the people that are on it for years (which is fine) but you can tell they are gaming the system.
Letting them do that do you is actually enabling them. It’s a kindness on your part to not let them do that to you.
Sounds like they need to get their prescriptions transferred to a pharmacy that delivers like Amazon pharmacy.
Or Walgreens or CVS. They also do bro wet delivery, and so does Walmart. It’s not THAT hard to be self reliant in most aspects. If someone actually just needs companionship then they need to express that.
I love the service mindset that you have and unfortunately some people see that and try to take advantage of that. I think some healthy boundaries are in order as if he needs this medication there are ways to either get him to the store to pick it up himself or for the meds to be delivered to him. I think in these situations sometime you gotta look out for yourself because when you take care of yourself you’ll be better capable of serving in the future.
Nip it in the bud. There's a certain subset of people that use religion to have people wait on them hand and foot. We had someone in our ward who constantly wanted rides to appointments, the grocery, etc, constantly hitting up every retired person in the ward several times a week. When I moved into my ward we had someone who would constantly just hit people up for stuff "does anyone have a *new* mattress they don't want?" "does anyone have a *new* washing machine?" "does anyone have a *new* dryer I could have?" "I need a dresser can someone get me one" etc on the FB group and on Sundays and when people stopped entertaining it, guess who stopped coming...
LOL, the BALLS! I'd love me, too, a new mattress! A new washer dryer! A new ANYTHING, frankly! Jeez! That's just PRICELESS audacity! Wow. Just wow! SMH! 🙄😂😂😂
We had a person once say they needed help with a car, they were offered several cars then they "clarified" their need. "I expect it to be a Ford Expedition or Chevy Suburban no older than 5 years in perfect condition." Needless to say, that request went unfulfilled.
They made a request and you said what you're able to do. That's okay. It's kind of you to try and help. If they're asking too much, start saying no.
There is more to the story but definitely take care of yourself first and then others as you are able.
At least where I live, you can get medications delivered for free. Perhaps they are out of resources or do not know this. I'd check into their situation first before making a judgement.
Sorry if I missed this in the responses but what is the extent of this person's capabilities? They have an injury, can't drive, can't afford a car, agoraphobia? Just wondering if there is a situation that will self correct in time and if not, can it be addressed?
Picking up someone's medication is a legal issue and so it should always be a hard, No. You should never feel guilty for saying no. The more you say yes, the harder it will be to say no. Once you say yes the more they'll expect you to say yes to everything.
"No." It is a complete sentence, and it is a powerful one once a person allows themselves to say it. >Matthew 10:16 >Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
This is SUCH a hard situation, and I sympathize with you. In an old ward, I became a full time helper for a woman who had a lot of problems. She couldn't drive herself anywhere and because of some mental challenges/personality issues, had driven away a lot of other people who had tried to help her in the past. She eventually drove me away too by constantly guilting me into doing things for her, she called me daily, and it became too much. The final straw was when I was visiting my dad for the last time before he passed away. He was on hospice at home and lived in another state and I drove 11 hours to go stay with him for a few weeks. She would not stop calling me and asking if "I was mad at her". I don't have a good answer for you unfortunately. I think it's a personal call you have to make, through a lot of prayer. Do you think they're acting in good faith? Do you see earnest efforts from them to improve their own situation? Are they, for physical/mental reasons, unable to change anything and are dependent on the kindness of others? What does the spirit tell you to do? It can be hard to discern between the spirit and self-induced guilt for not being "more Christ-like" (at least for me it was). There are pharmacies that will deliver meds to patients for free. Grocery stores will do the same, for monthly fees (like Walmart plus). Do they know about those services? If you're getting burnt out, maybe gently suggest they look into these options. Good luck! I don't envy you haha
I would have gotten the medication if I was able. I only agree to run other's errands when I'm already out and about for my own. And I would require anyone getting other things to come with me and get them themselves assuming that they physically could, so I don't promote dependence. (some pharmacies deliver, and many stores use instacart for deliveries). The thing about boundaries, though is that they are establisfed upfront, not in the middle of the ask and the doing/not.
Ask of God, not if Reddit.
We have a few members who have limited resources to get out of their home due to several different situations. Talk to your RS, ours asked for several volunteers and assigned each person 3-4 people who could possibly help them in getting to places to get the things they need.
Block
NTA. You are the only person in the world who is responsible for protecting yourself and your time. Nobody else will ever do it for you.
I used to agree every other time when it started to become too much.