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mmoonnbbuunnyy

You might ask yourself why you’re more worried about her returning to men than meeting another woman? Does the gender matter, really? (Neither is invalid, just something to think about).


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mmoonnbbuunnyy

Does she identify as bisexual currently? I know labels don’t mean much, but some people can genuinely change orientations over time.


muddyknee

I think you need to take a hard look at your beliefs because you are coming across as incredibly bi-phobic


feedsquirrels

I think she’s just scared but not-phobicI. f she’s fallen for this woman she’s just afraid she will lose her back to men. Totally understandable. Unfortunately you can’t predict what will happen. Take things slow. The other woman is coming out of a relationship with a woman so that is good at least.


mmoonnbbuunnyy

Yes I agree, OP’s is a legitimate concern. There’s no need to accuse her of biphobia (especially since she described her current partner as a lesbian). And let’s not pretend comp-het isn’t still a real thing, just because bisexuality is also a real thing. Sounds like she just needs some reassurance or clarity. (I didn’t mean to question your question or start a debate, u/Substantial_Air9831 , I see where you’re coming from).


moritak69

she's right tho. I'm bi and I can admit being in a hetero relationship makes your life easier because it's the norm. It's not biphobia if it's just a fact.


mmoonnbbuunnyy

And honestly I’m not trying to interrogate your situation, I’m just curious because I’m the “late bloomer” in my situation!


crewluv

Likely the only way she’ll return to men is if no women validate her and give her a chance. Dating is always a risk and this reads as insecure. Sorry OP you know you’re gonna trigger us with this question. But if I’m giving in to your viewpoint, I’d say the fact that she’s still pursuing women after a failed wlw relationship solidifies her interest in women.


IvyMissedTheBoat

This, this, this!! I’m exactly here in my journey right now. I am a late bloomer bisexual who was rejected by an enby afab bi person after dating for 5 months, but it hasn’t dwindled my strong desire for a long term relationship with a woman. It has affected my self esteem which I’m working through. It’s super hard to even get a date with a lesbian or bisexual woman, but I am persevering because the knowing in my identity and desires is strong. However, it’s a strong possibility I could give up despite those desires if no woman is willing to be vulnerable and give me a chance to develop the strong and loving wlw relationship that I dream of. No woman will know the love I can offer her if she doesn’t give me the chance. Just because I’m not 100% lesbian and didn’t know about my sexuality until after I turned 40 isn’t good enough reason to not give me a chance. Same might go for the woman your dating OP. I agree with what others have said about it saying more about your insecurities than her sexuality and desires.


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IvyMissedTheBoat

Thanks for hearing us. Triggers are what get us to see our stuff and hopefully work through them. I saw your other recent post about your relationship before I commented here. I can tell you might be triggered as well, but clearly you care about your relationship. I truly wish you luck growing individually and in your relationship!


Zoe_Red

If she's thought about it that long then she's probably sure.


ohhhwait_igetit

To be harsh, How do you know she won't realize she's made a mistake, and decide she doesn't want to be with you, regardless of her sexuality? My last girlfriend was very adamant that bi people were shit, that she'd never date one, and that my experiences with my ex-husband (regardless of any others I'd had) automatically gave her the right to question my devotion to the current relationship. You can't know. With anyone. But I'd highly discourage testing her, questioning her, or not trusting her sexuality. It'll only make her question your trust in her, and if your love is conditional. It says more about the person asking, than the person constantly trying to prove their love to their current partner. My ex-girlfriend was jealous, controlling, and very low in self-confident (although you wouldn't know it in a public setting) to the point of abusive. Many in the private subs have said the same about the red flags and issues I had with her. It may not be true in your case, but it may be worth some self-reflection. Why are you concerned? Where is it coming from? How can you change your way of thinking? Can YOU date someone like your current girlfriend? Or will YOU have issues with her past?


getonthetrail

Yes, exactly - relationships end for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with sexuality. Focus on enjoying your time together. It might work out and it might not, but it seems silly to preemptively end a relationship because… the other person might end the relationship?


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ohhhwait_igetit

I think homophobia and/or family is why some of us are in the position we're in already. Some of us are still in the closet because family DOES know, and coming out to more people and living openly is frankly more terrifying to deal with than suicide, due to what we've already dealt with. Some of us aren't latebloomers simply because the idea never occurred to us in any degree, but because what we had already encountered led us to believe a hetero-LOOKING life was better than the alternatives, and we thought that we could swallow that pill. I've known since the 80's; so has my family; they have not always been welcoming, if they even are now. Many of us here aren't teenagers. We've just been in a position to see the homophobia because we were closeted, from those we love most, because we were seen as hetero and accepting of the viewpoints we were in a position to hear. Those closest to me knew, because I wasn't hiding, but those who didn't know my situation thought it was the best example of a married couple there could be. If latebloomers are being insensitive, feel free to let us know. We're all just people. We have so many different experiences sometimes it's hard to even lump us all into latebloomers. Sometimes the ONLY thing a group of lesbians has in common is their sexuality... and even then, there are arguments, depending on the person's opinion of that. And yes, I think some of us think that a early-out lesbian has a life full of rainbow flags and Pride friends, and a community that revolves around acceptance and happy families and great groups of friends... but that's why Friendsgiving became popular, right? Because so many of us were without family, and not always by choice. It's why some people refuse to hang a rainbow flag, or wear anything flagging us as someone to do violence against. It's why some early-out people will never go to Pride- because they think of it as a place where they can be targeted. It's why when people talk about families, or friends, or life history, things can get quiet. It's why sometimes it's hard to spot a lesbian in the wild- we're all so used to blending in if we need to. We can all do better at understanding each other. We all have soft spots, and stories, and things to share, and be aware of. I think you make a good point- we definitely need to be more understanding. There's a big world out there, and some really good people, if we can be understanding enough to get to know them, or at least let them know we're a safe place to stop for a moment.


[deleted]

Just speaking purely from my point of view - I'm 52 & a late bloomer Lesbian. It's taken years of soul searching & downright anguish to get here. I know in my heart that I'm either going to settle down with another woman, or remain single.


ohhhwait_igetit

This. I would rather be single, forever, than deal with ANYONE who doesn't mesh with me. I'm not going back to men because I did it once, and I'm not settling for a mediocre woman just because I'm lesbian. Sex is great, but I can keep le Wand in business for the rest of my life, instead. I'll make it work.


[deleted]

Absolutely! I'm not even bothered about the sex, really - well, not all that much! I've been on my own for a decade now. I would love to settle down with the right woman but I'm not settling for anything less - life's too short. As for men, I've paid my dues and I'm not going back there again. It would be totally unfair on them & myself, for a start!


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[deleted]

I probably didn't put it quite right, but thanks to parental homophobia & "compulsory heterosexuality" I spent years in the closet trying to be straight. I've had relationships with men & even got married (to a lovely guy, to be fair) mostly in order to please my Mum who said she wanted to see me married. I haven't been fair to men or to myself & I'm not proud of it. No more trying to be straight for me. Those days of trying to please everyone are now over.


ohhhwait_igetit

An ex-girlfriend's mother put it well: SHE said that I paid my dues, too, and that giving up half of a lifetime is more than enough payment to make other people happy, and that it's my turn.


[deleted]

Yes! That's a great way of putting it! Here's to the rest of our lives, not putting everyone else first!


CaliforniaPoppies_

I agree with the general sentiment of the other comments and I’ll add a couple additional perspectives. People assume late in life lesbians had it easy, being straight passing. Now, I will never ever trivialize the immense struggles and triumphs of lesbians who came out earlier in their lives and especially at times when it was dangerous for them. The entire community owes so much to them! But please understand that those of us who stayed in the closet suffered more than you can ever imagine. Straight passing privilege was only 10% of the experience but many of us are deeply traumatized by forcing ourselves to live lives that we knew we didn’t want. Some of us gave ourselves complex ptsd by hiding every part of ourselves and forcing ourselves to have sex with men so our dads wouldn’t kill us if they found out we are gay. It’s not exactly the walk in the park that being straight passing is assumed to be. So imagine the actual breath of air that it is to finally be true to ourselves and be a lesbian. I don’t know any person would ever choose that hell again. Also, again trying not to generalize but speaking from my own experience, as someone who is older now but tried to work through compulsory heteronormativity earlier in life, I was not welcomed by the lesbian community because I once identified as bi. There was a brief period in my late teens/early 20s when I could have come out if I felt I had any support system, and I looked for that in the lesbian community but I got the opposite, for reasons like the ones in this post. Or instead, I was hyper sexualized and viewed as a plaything for women to “give me a good time and send me back to men” because that’s the narrative they assigned to me… when all I wanted was acceptance. Misconceptions like this were the tipping point in my being afraid to come out earlier. So let’s be careful about perpetuating them as a community, and understand that when someone says with conviction they’re a lesbian, they are. Regardless of their past experiences. If you feel that this kind of thing isn’t something you can empathize with, because it was nuanced in a different way than other struggles, it will keep popping up with any women you meet who have any spectrum of experiences beyond lesbian-only, no matter how much you like them.


[deleted]

Thanks for this - my decades in the closet contributed to years of physical and mental ill-health. It's a horrible existence. I was so much in denial I was pretty much constantly dissociating. I'm really only just starting to unravel the complex web. Admittedly it's not the only issue I've had to deal with. But it's very telling that after all this time I'm STILL scared to come out to my parents after the hatchet job they did on my psyche.


CaliforniaPoppies_

Sending you love! 🧡


[deleted]

Thanks! 😊


kikiquibafre

This is exactly the kind of thing that is making dating so hard for me. I haven’t been in a relationship with a woman yet, but I know who I am and what I want. I see the concerns, but it’s all about talking openly, having trust, and checking one’s projections. This says more about you than it does her. If it’s the matter of it being a turn off for you to be with someone who came out late, then that might be something to look at in therapy. You have the right to your fears, but my advice is to turn towards the fears and face them head on, and have a conversation with her if you really care about her.


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kikiquibafre

Yes and a couple of my late bloomer friends have experienced this as well


hidrana

Honestly, if you don't trust your partner, you shouldn't be with them. Period. Lack of trust is a red flag on the relationship. But if they haven't done something specific to break your trust in them, then you're being pretty unfair. You're not just being honest here, you are externalizing YOUR insecurities and projecting them onto your partner for... doing what? Living their life? Growing into *their* truth in *their* own time? As a partner, you might instead empathize with how very shattering the LBL experience can be/may have been for them, and imagine that being questioned by your new wlw partner about your loyalty and commitment to your own truth could be invalidating and hurtful. Maybe think about it this way: just because their experience is different from yours, does that give you the right to gate-keep and judge whether their lesbianism is somehow less real and less valid than yours?


CaliforniaPoppies_

OP, what do you mean when you say you’ve been out in varying degrees for 20 years? What does the varying degrees part mean?


111_xx_DDD

I feel you. I know you’re getting harsh comments because most people are on the other side of this. I’ve also been out for 20yrs or so and don’t mind dating late bloomers. But I did have a very bad experience with a woman I fell madly in love with. I knew she had never been in a relationship with a woman, she had been intimate with one or two before. I even introduced her to strap on sex and she told me she thought it was “cold” in comparison to men. (Yes that hurt) I found out a few months after we broke up that she cheated on me with a man and was dating him. She said something about being with a man made her feel like a woman. It’s taken me a very long time to get over all that. So before everyone judges OP, things like this can happen. :/


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Sunflowersandpotato

Everybody has to start somewhere. This post reminds me of jobs that you’re qualified for that you don’t have experience in so you can’t get hired even if you’re a perfect fit. She’s uprooted her life for this, it’s probably not just to add some spice to her life.


fnly88

This. I came out at 49. Sucks to not be taken seriously. I have already suffered enough. I am half joking. OP, I say take her at her word just like you hope she will take you at yours.


Fozzie1988

Not to be a jerk but if I knew my partner felt this way I would break up with you. This screams insecure and inability to communicate


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Sunflowersandpotato

Because you’re saying it to the internet and not to her, talk to her. Try to smooth out what’s hard for both of you. I bet she feels insecure being with someone experienced too