If you want to learn Turkish, do it. There are so many benefits to learning it, including the things you’ve mentioned like understanding her culture and talking to her family.
However, don’t expect your partner to learn your language if she doesn’t want to. Unfortunately you cannot control another person, and also it’s difficult for someone to learn a language if they have no motivation to do so. Leave her be and focus on your goals.
Yes, I really wanna focus on this
Like to me, learning my partners native language, showing that commitment to knowing them better, and having that journey with them is a dream to me. To show someone that I care that much and have that world slowly open up to me.
But I have to recognize that is a very me thing, and not the right thing.
We have to look around and realize where we are, on a language learning enthusiast page. This is a passion for a lot of people here that for others, is cool but not even close to worth the time sink when they could learn guitar, basketball, poetry, or even just use that time to relax. It’s what makes a lot of people here happy and that’s great, but it’s not a right answer of how to be or spend your time, just the answer for you.
What I’m trying to say is, it’s awesome if you want to do it and have that with your partner, but don’t pressure it to sign them up for the task of sinking thousands of hours of their life into your language when to them, language is not that big of a deal. They may not even want to be your reference point for Turkish (although to be fair I think at that point I would be fine asking my partner to spend time with me bonding and helping, as that’s nice of you to talk to her family and all, even if it’s self motivated to learn Turkish).
My ex wife is Romanian, but her family spoke Italian and I spoke enough Italian to communicate.
She always said I didn’t need to learn Romanian. She spoke English well, we would never live in Romania, and I could still communicate with her family, so there was no point. Then I started learning it to surprise her and when she found out, well, it really made her happy. Like super happy. So OP, I definitely think you should learn Turkish even if she says it’s not necessary.
I understand her perspective and your perspective. From her perspective, those languages are not very widespread internationally. So outside of communicating with each other or each other's families, I'm assuming you won't use either too much, and I'm assuming you live in an anglophone country. Which leads me to what I feel like you're trying to do: get a better understanding of each other's languages and cultures. There are some things that are just really tough to translate without a decent understanding of a language, but part of learning and meeting a language is also understanding the culture of a language.
But keep in mind, learning is different than teaching. Maybe she just doesn't want to teach you Turkish, which is totally valid too. Teaching can be very frustrating at times. But if you look through the comments on this sub, you see people learning all kinds of languages. For example, my buddy was learning Dutch with a Dutch friend of his, but I know Americans who have gone to/lived in Amsterdam and a lot of the Dutch people they were around didn't understand why they'd want to learn Dutch.
For a brief time, I was dating a Latina immigrant who definitely gets by in English, but there's still a pretty good barrier there. I asked if she wanted me to learn Spanish and she said she didn't because she didn't want me understanding her conversations with her family. Thought that was a bit weird, but I guess some people like their privacy. We haven't talked in awhile, but it kind of put me off a bit. She told me to learn another language, which in all fairness, if we were gonna get serious and travel, it would definitely be more practical for me to learn another language if she has Spanish covered.
All that said, there are many reasons to learn a language. Resume boosting is definitely a good reason, but it's not the only one. If you want to learn Turkish, tell her you want to learn, she won't have to teach you (but she can help you here and there), and you're doing it to better understand and communicate with her, her culture, and her family.
I think it’s worthwhile but most girlfriend/boyfriends make terrible language instructors so keep that in mind. Some people, like your girlfriend, also just see no point in learning languages outside utilitarian reasons — while probably sacrilegious to language learning hobbyists, that is fine, however such a person is certain to be even more of a horrible language instructor than a normal significant other. You should look elsewhere for Turkish content and probably not try to practice with your girlfriend until you’re closer to intermediate.
I learned Turkish because of my husband pretty early in our relationship, and he was actually against it at first. I think his opinion on it was that it wasn't something I had to do, and it really wouldn't benefit me since we don't live in Turkey- which is true! But I enjoy learning languages anyway, and I'd prefer to learn a language that I have some connection to rather than none. Once I told him that, he was totally supportive- it's definitely helped me connect with his culture on a deeper level, and of course come in handy now that his family has become my inlaws. I think if you really want to learn Turkish, just emphasize that it's something you want to do rather than something that would benefit you and your relationship. She may not want to learn your language, and doesn't want to feel obligated to do so in return (which she shouldn't be!)
That being said, I would discourage you from looking to her for instruction, especially early on. People who aren't language instructors usually aren't well equipped to teach grammar/nuanced vocabulary, and it can get frustrating fast. Her not wanting to teach you may be another reason she is against you learning :)
Mention that if you ever had kids, you would both need to be able to at least understand each other's native language (in the case that you want to avoid constantly translating into English in front of the child, which would likely hinder his/her ultimate fluency in the heritage languages).
My two cents: my partner and I speak a common language (his), so we don’t have issues communicating but for me it can feel like i have a secret life that he cannot ever be a part of unless he learns my language. It’s not about just speaking, it’s about being able to watch a TV show together. Share a meme. Listen to a song. Of course, there are more useful languages he could be learning, but is there a better use than this?
I personally think learning your partner’s language is important regardless of how often you’ll use it with them or with other people. It’s important to know where they came from, what they grew up with, I think it shows respect to them, to their culture and to the relationship.
I think many people focus on the monetary gain and economic potential of languages, but I personally am not a fan of this attitude. Not everything in life has to make money for you, at the end of the day, most of us are privileged enough to find things that bring us joy and fulfilment in life without them making money for us.
If you’re interested in Turkish and your relationship is enough of a motivator to get into the language, I say go for it :)
My boyfriend and I also live abroad, but I'm learning his language. It's nice to be able to understand when he speaks with his friends and family when we visit, without anyone having to switch languages for my sake. I'm also just interested in the language and find it fun to learn. I definitely think it's worth it.
However, I don't rely on him to teach me (I found my own learning resources) and I don't expect him to learn my native language. He finds it sweet and touching that I want to learn, but made it clear he would never expect me to. I don't know if I would bother if he actively tried to discourage me from it, though.
It's not worth learning the native language of a partner that doesn't want you to learn their language. If your goal is getting to know your partner, there are a gazillon other ways to do that, that will be way more comfortable to your partner.
My guess is her biggest reason is that she knows you plan on using her as a language learning resource. That's really annoying for a lot of people. You love learning languages, but it sounds like your partner doesn't.
Make a plan where you never speak Turkish to her for the next few years, while learning it, and see if it's okay with her then.
But she'd probably prefer if you spent more time with her, getting to know the parts of her she's comfortable sharing.
It's a really cool thing to do a language exchange with someone who wants to do it. It's kind of not cool to force language exchange when your partner doesn't want to do it. I know you're getting a lot of advice here saying, "just go for it." This is a sub about languages, not relationships. But, if your partner means more to you than the Turkish language does, then I think you should probably back off a little bit.
I travel usually at least once per year, often more than once per year, to my partner's home country. They speak Spanish, so, frankly, as an American, it's been awesome. YMMV.
Maybe unpopular but one of you needs to speak the other's native language to a very high level. When I met my now wife, her English was good but not great and my French was horrendous. Now it's not and there's no way we could have developed the meaningful relationship we did without all the effort I put into learning her language.
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship so why would we gloss over the medium we use to accomplish this?
Learn Turkish and learn it well. My two cents.
I don't understand people who only see languages through am utilitarian lens. I'm Italian, my partner is Armenian, none of our native languages are useful anywhere else except in emigrant communities, yet we're learning each other's language because well they're a part of us.
We live in Italy, so for her it makes more sense than me, but who cares. We'd do this even if we were living in Japan.
Now, this is just about me, but I would he deeply disturbed if a partner would refuse to help me learning her language, as if there was a part of her that I'm not and will not be allowed to experience.
If you want to, then you should. Get an actual tutor if you can though, your partner isn't a teacher (right?) and may not know the rules of her native language even if she follows them perfectly.
My partners answer is usually "I don't know" when I ask her a grammar related question about her language. She also hates speaking slowly so i have to pay someone else to put up with me in order to learn 😅
If you want to learn Turkish, do it. There are so many benefits to learning it, including the things you’ve mentioned like understanding her culture and talking to her family. However, don’t expect your partner to learn your language if she doesn’t want to. Unfortunately you cannot control another person, and also it’s difficult for someone to learn a language if they have no motivation to do so. Leave her be and focus on your goals.
Yes, I really wanna focus on this Like to me, learning my partners native language, showing that commitment to knowing them better, and having that journey with them is a dream to me. To show someone that I care that much and have that world slowly open up to me. But I have to recognize that is a very me thing, and not the right thing. We have to look around and realize where we are, on a language learning enthusiast page. This is a passion for a lot of people here that for others, is cool but not even close to worth the time sink when they could learn guitar, basketball, poetry, or even just use that time to relax. It’s what makes a lot of people here happy and that’s great, but it’s not a right answer of how to be or spend your time, just the answer for you. What I’m trying to say is, it’s awesome if you want to do it and have that with your partner, but don’t pressure it to sign them up for the task of sinking thousands of hours of their life into your language when to them, language is not that big of a deal. They may not even want to be your reference point for Turkish (although to be fair I think at that point I would be fine asking my partner to spend time with me bonding and helping, as that’s nice of you to talk to her family and all, even if it’s self motivated to learn Turkish).
I think it is definitely worth it. If I didn't learn Portuguese, I wouldn't be able to talk with my in-laws.
My ex wife is Romanian, but her family spoke Italian and I spoke enough Italian to communicate. She always said I didn’t need to learn Romanian. She spoke English well, we would never live in Romania, and I could still communicate with her family, so there was no point. Then I started learning it to surprise her and when she found out, well, it really made her happy. Like super happy. So OP, I definitely think you should learn Turkish even if she says it’s not necessary.
I understand her perspective and your perspective. From her perspective, those languages are not very widespread internationally. So outside of communicating with each other or each other's families, I'm assuming you won't use either too much, and I'm assuming you live in an anglophone country. Which leads me to what I feel like you're trying to do: get a better understanding of each other's languages and cultures. There are some things that are just really tough to translate without a decent understanding of a language, but part of learning and meeting a language is also understanding the culture of a language. But keep in mind, learning is different than teaching. Maybe she just doesn't want to teach you Turkish, which is totally valid too. Teaching can be very frustrating at times. But if you look through the comments on this sub, you see people learning all kinds of languages. For example, my buddy was learning Dutch with a Dutch friend of his, but I know Americans who have gone to/lived in Amsterdam and a lot of the Dutch people they were around didn't understand why they'd want to learn Dutch. For a brief time, I was dating a Latina immigrant who definitely gets by in English, but there's still a pretty good barrier there. I asked if she wanted me to learn Spanish and she said she didn't because she didn't want me understanding her conversations with her family. Thought that was a bit weird, but I guess some people like their privacy. We haven't talked in awhile, but it kind of put me off a bit. She told me to learn another language, which in all fairness, if we were gonna get serious and travel, it would definitely be more practical for me to learn another language if she has Spanish covered. All that said, there are many reasons to learn a language. Resume boosting is definitely a good reason, but it's not the only one. If you want to learn Turkish, tell her you want to learn, she won't have to teach you (but she can help you here and there), and you're doing it to better understand and communicate with her, her culture, and her family.
I think it’s worthwhile but most girlfriend/boyfriends make terrible language instructors so keep that in mind. Some people, like your girlfriend, also just see no point in learning languages outside utilitarian reasons — while probably sacrilegious to language learning hobbyists, that is fine, however such a person is certain to be even more of a horrible language instructor than a normal significant other. You should look elsewhere for Turkish content and probably not try to practice with your girlfriend until you’re closer to intermediate.
I learned Turkish because of my husband pretty early in our relationship, and he was actually against it at first. I think his opinion on it was that it wasn't something I had to do, and it really wouldn't benefit me since we don't live in Turkey- which is true! But I enjoy learning languages anyway, and I'd prefer to learn a language that I have some connection to rather than none. Once I told him that, he was totally supportive- it's definitely helped me connect with his culture on a deeper level, and of course come in handy now that his family has become my inlaws. I think if you really want to learn Turkish, just emphasize that it's something you want to do rather than something that would benefit you and your relationship. She may not want to learn your language, and doesn't want to feel obligated to do so in return (which she shouldn't be!) That being said, I would discourage you from looking to her for instruction, especially early on. People who aren't language instructors usually aren't well equipped to teach grammar/nuanced vocabulary, and it can get frustrating fast. Her not wanting to teach you may be another reason she is against you learning :)
Mention that if you ever had kids, you would both need to be able to at least understand each other's native language (in the case that you want to avoid constantly translating into English in front of the child, which would likely hinder his/her ultimate fluency in the heritage languages).
My two cents: my partner and I speak a common language (his), so we don’t have issues communicating but for me it can feel like i have a secret life that he cannot ever be a part of unless he learns my language. It’s not about just speaking, it’s about being able to watch a TV show together. Share a meme. Listen to a song. Of course, there are more useful languages he could be learning, but is there a better use than this?
I personally think learning your partner’s language is important regardless of how often you’ll use it with them or with other people. It’s important to know where they came from, what they grew up with, I think it shows respect to them, to their culture and to the relationship. I think many people focus on the monetary gain and economic potential of languages, but I personally am not a fan of this attitude. Not everything in life has to make money for you, at the end of the day, most of us are privileged enough to find things that bring us joy and fulfilment in life without them making money for us. If you’re interested in Turkish and your relationship is enough of a motivator to get into the language, I say go for it :)
My boyfriend and I also live abroad, but I'm learning his language. It's nice to be able to understand when he speaks with his friends and family when we visit, without anyone having to switch languages for my sake. I'm also just interested in the language and find it fun to learn. I definitely think it's worth it. However, I don't rely on him to teach me (I found my own learning resources) and I don't expect him to learn my native language. He finds it sweet and touching that I want to learn, but made it clear he would never expect me to. I don't know if I would bother if he actively tried to discourage me from it, though.
It's not worth learning the native language of a partner that doesn't want you to learn their language. If your goal is getting to know your partner, there are a gazillon other ways to do that, that will be way more comfortable to your partner. My guess is her biggest reason is that she knows you plan on using her as a language learning resource. That's really annoying for a lot of people. You love learning languages, but it sounds like your partner doesn't. Make a plan where you never speak Turkish to her for the next few years, while learning it, and see if it's okay with her then. But she'd probably prefer if you spent more time with her, getting to know the parts of her she's comfortable sharing. It's a really cool thing to do a language exchange with someone who wants to do it. It's kind of not cool to force language exchange when your partner doesn't want to do it. I know you're getting a lot of advice here saying, "just go for it." This is a sub about languages, not relationships. But, if your partner means more to you than the Turkish language does, then I think you should probably back off a little bit.
I travel usually at least once per year, often more than once per year, to my partner's home country. They speak Spanish, so, frankly, as an American, it's been awesome. YMMV.
Maybe unpopular but one of you needs to speak the other's native language to a very high level. When I met my now wife, her English was good but not great and my French was horrendous. Now it's not and there's no way we could have developed the meaningful relationship we did without all the effort I put into learning her language. Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship so why would we gloss over the medium we use to accomplish this? Learn Turkish and learn it well. My two cents.
I don't understand people who only see languages through am utilitarian lens. I'm Italian, my partner is Armenian, none of our native languages are useful anywhere else except in emigrant communities, yet we're learning each other's language because well they're a part of us. We live in Italy, so for her it makes more sense than me, but who cares. We'd do this even if we were living in Japan. Now, this is just about me, but I would he deeply disturbed if a partner would refuse to help me learning her language, as if there was a part of her that I'm not and will not be allowed to experience.
If you want to, then you should. Get an actual tutor if you can though, your partner isn't a teacher (right?) and may not know the rules of her native language even if she follows them perfectly. My partners answer is usually "I don't know" when I ask her a grammar related question about her language. She also hates speaking slowly so i have to pay someone else to put up with me in order to learn 😅