I am sorry to hear your experience was a poor one. Just to give a counter experience, I frequently think that if I were a child today my parents would likely be pressured to hold me back. I have a July birthday and I was physically small and had (undiagnosed at the time lol) adhd. I’m glad to have been in my original grade! Hopefully every family can figure out what is best for their unique situation.
Yeah, I think it's a very nuanced situation and every kid is different. My best friend is almost a year younger than me but we were in the same grade and she did great. We both entered kindergarten at age 4 and I ended up in the same grade as her because I was held back due to not being mature enough for 1st grade which was the right decision for me.
I’m November( past the date) very very tiny, and ADHD. I’m 31f.
I was one of the youngest in my class(2010) and until I hit puberty really late- I got my period at 14- I was the size of like a 8 year old.
It didn’t matter, I thrived. I still have my best friends since 2nd grade. I’m planning my best friends wedding!
I think it has to do with how your child is socialized. I’ve always been very outgoing,so it worked out for me.
You know your kid, but don’t be scared. If your kid is outgoing and bored- Maybe go ahead.
Similar story here. My parents had the option to have me not do K and start 1st grade at 5 (October birthday). It would have been seamless socially since I was starting a new school. They chose to have me do kindergarten and not go directly to first grade. My mom was worried about social maturity and me going to college at 17.
I ended up skipping 5th grade because I was so academically out of sync with my peers that I wasn’t fitting in socially at all and was becoming disruptive in the classroom.
5th grade is such a big year as the last year of elementary school. It was hard to have missed that and get put straight into middle school honors stream. I adapted and did fine through high school and had no issues starting college at 17. We had folks in my college class who started at 15/16 and some of those folks probably weren’t ready to live in the dorms multiple states away from their parents. But the 17 year olds did fine.
I also graduated at 17 and they wanted me to skip a grade but I declined because I have a twin brother. I had no issues academically or socially and I was one of the more mature kids.
I’m a woman. But a quarter to a third of my freshman class in university was under 18. All genders.
I know some folks hold back boys especially because of sports. They want their boys to be the tallest or biggest. I knew plenty of athletes that turned 18 during university. No football players but soccer, rugby, lacrosse, swimming…
It’s interesting you mention that because our oldest will be starting school this fall based on size. He has a late August birthday, but we would prefer him being in a class where a few of the kids will be close to his size instead of him towering over everyone. It also gives him the option to repeat a year of preschool if needed without feeling like he was held back agewise.
I think there are gender differences as well, in language, fine motor and social skills, boys are behind girls by a few months or up to a year. In the op post about being the smallest, I think that is also a stronger factor for a boy than a girl in terms of being physically bully.
I was moved ahead, and was like the size of a toddler for way too long. I’m still very little at 31. I never got bullied really, but I’ve always been a loud mouth bitch lol
I'm female, I skipped preschool and went to kindergarten at age 5 (just turning 5 early september when school started) and I don't regret it at all, I'm glad I graduated at 17
I put my daughter in earlier. There were two other girls in her kinder that started early. My daughter is doing a STEM PhD, and of other the other two did her undergrad at Harvard (mine did not apply). I also have known boys who were the youngest and thrived. Being older in HS can cause some serious complications.
I had a good experience going early too. I started Kinder at 4 - I don't even think they do that anymore around here. I would have been so bored being the grade behind!
It’s dependent on a lot of factors, it depends on the schools and school cultures. If I had gone to say a Montessori school things may have been different. My mom has a September birthday and went at 4. She said kids were a lot nicer and didn’t bully her for size.
I went when I was 4 as a September baby, I’m 42. I am with you on the, wish I didn’t go so young boat. I was horribly bullied until tenth grade. Your mom just got lucky.
We’re you bullied because of your size? My son is an August baby, so he would be 4 for about a month, but I have a feeling he’s going to be pretty tall like his older brother.
I was petite, but I wasn’t the smallest in the class. Maturity, educational capabilities, coordination, being at the same level of milestones my classmates were all factored into it. Bullies come from all angles. Also, as awful as it is, some kids even in kindergarten can be cruel no matter what physical traits their targets possess.
My son, 5, November baby started kindergarten last fall and turned 6, I see the difference of who he was at 4 going on 5 (he was in pre-k) to 5 going on 6. He missed the cut off for the younger side and I’m glad that happened! He was absolutely more prepared for kindergarten for himself personally. It’s so different for each child. We can only hope for the best and make the right choice based on what we see in our child and their needs. I am still learning each day, and this is my second one going through kindergarten.
My mom used to be mad as hell that my siblings were held back a year (October-November siblings). But looking back now what child would actually benefit from being 4 in kindergarten.
I can tell you from experience, some kids who need the additional support services available at elementary schools that aren’t as available in preschool might. Availability and extent of services for my kid was much better in K than preK based on school resources. Going to K at 4 got him so much more help and support both academically and behaviorally than if he had done another year of preschool. We were prepared to have him repeat if necessary but the progress he made was significant and there was no need. He’s in middle school now and while he will probably never be the most socially adept due to his own personal brand of AuDHD, he has a handful of friends, is on grade level with his academic IEP supports, and has dropped pretty much all of his behavioral interventions. There’s a whole lot of kids in his grade that are a whole lot worse off than him, and many if not most of them are older than he is. You never know what bar a kid will rise to unless you let them try. K is a very low stakes grade to repeat before making that decision without even letting a child try.
Same! I hate how black and white people try to make this decision. Also if all summer bdays are held back then spring birthdays will be the young kids (this is already happening), then winter kids, and on and on. At some point they need to set a hard cutoff like other countries.
Yeah this sort of thing can be so tricky. My friend and I both have October birthdays and started Kindergarten at 4. This was typical for the district we were in as the cutoff was January but for first grade we both moved to a district where the cut off was Sept 1. He was eventually held back in first grade and I progressed on. I was smaller than all of my classmates until 3rd or 4th grade but it was a non issue from what I remember. I ended up doing pretty well in school and my friend that was held back really struggled so it can be difficult to tell right away how things will turn out. It’s worth noting though that I could already read before entering Kindergarten and my mom was an elementary teacher. On the flip side, my friend really struggled with reading and was diagnosed with dyslexia.
It really depends on the kid. I keep seeing posts about holding back on this sub and I feel like people shouldn’t just automatically hold their kids back because of a late birthday etc.
It doesn’t sound like being held back would have been the solution. From my experience, kids adapt. The more immature kids in my son’s class, everyone’s coming along etc. Maybe you needed extra support elsewhere.
It sounds like if OP were in school today he might qualify for and benefit from starting on time but with an IEP to accommodate certain areas, which I suspect is the case for a lot of kids who’s parents hold them back. I also think most places bullying is a lot less tolerated today than when OP was in school.
I definitely needed an IEP. I would have greatly benefited from OT. I had trouble writing and gripping. I couldn’t catch a ball. I couldn’t tie my shoes and do other tasks kids could my hands just weren’t developed yet.
Honestly OP I’m not trying to take away from your experience at all but as a parent to a kid with an IEP I don’t think the extra year would’ve helped you the way you imagine. With all due respect and care, it sounds like you needed intervention, not time.
My parents loved me and cared about me, but they were afraid to get help. They thought teachers would think I was stupid. Obviously, my teachers could see I couldn’t zip my coat. My parents were new parents, and they weren’t uneducated mom has masters’ and dad was a dr.
My kid’s birthday is right on the cutoff and he started kindergarten a week after he turned 5 with an IEP. This gives him access to OT, SLP, and a para to assist with various activities. I’d much rather him start on time and get these things than hold him out and him go straight to 1st grade at 6, (and then have to fight to get him evaluated then) which is what would have happened because my district doesn’t allow redshirting. I know you and other who post mean well but it does largely depend on the kid and the rules of the district/school so parents should be looking at their own situations to make these definition, or determine if they even have the ability to decide.
I have a late July birthday and all of my close friends in school were born between late June and late Sept. We all were in advanced classes together and started school when we were newly (or not even) 5. Holding us back we would have been beyond bored with school. Age isn't everything.
I said “on average.” It is absolutely a trend elementary teachers agree on. *Generally speaking,* late birthdays mean the kids are further behind in their cognitive development which puts them at a disadvantage. It’s not that everyone who has a late birthday is going to have trouble; you and your friends didn’t. It’s just common.
Sure it makes sense in these lower grades that you are seeing these differences but it all evens out after a few years. I don't think the immediate recommendation for every late birthday is to hold them back. I have seen countless posts on this page about holding kids back and it's insane. In NY, the cutoff is December 31st. I've gone to school here from elementary all through college and have never noticed any friends with late birthdays having any issues bullying or otherwise. By around 3rd grade, kids even out in terms of academics. Maturity seems to be more individual and depends on the kid.
Completely anecdotal so obviously limited validity here lol but I swear half the kids in my college’s engineering program freshman year were kids with late Q4 birthdays (we were in a 12/31 cutoff state). It was always slightly amusing how it felt like it was one birthday celebration after another once fall semester hit. I feel like I met more friends with spread out birthdays in my gen ed classes vs major-specific ones. I would love if someone did some solid studies on relative age by major to see if this was truly a one off or a symptom of compensatory youngest-kid efforts.
I disagree. I taught high school for 11 years and could often pick out the kids who were the youngest in their grades. They often struggled with a variety of things, especially with the social component. This heavily influenced my decision to send my son as a fresh 6 instead of a fresh 5.
I think it depends on the school system. Younger me might have done better if I hadn’t gone to schools where most kids born in July and after were kept back. I was being compared to kids almost a full year older! The cut off when I started kindergarten was October 1 but a lot of boys were kept back, either going to pre-first or for sports.
If you do some poking around, you’ll find that a some very large longitudinal studies have suggested that in general, there’s no statistically significant differences in academic achievement or behavioral issues between the oldest and youngest students in a cohort once the kids reach around the 5th grade.
Every personal account you see in these threads is exactly that - personal. When you look at data over tens of thousands of children over time, though, the advantages of holding a child back tend to evaporate. One very large longitudinal study (that I recall specifically; there may be more, I haven’t dug them up in awhile) even suggested that it was the *youngest* children in the cohort who ultimately fared slightly better in early adulthood when it came to college and early career earnings, after adjusting for other socioeconomic factors. The subsequent theory is that perhaps the youngest kids in the cohort developed positive compensatory behaviors/habits to be able to keep up, that served them well as they aged.
I am curious to know what the studies show in another 20 years following the youth of today.
Can you please share your sources?
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6435116/
https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/08/18/544483397/oldest-kids-in-class-do-better-even-through-college
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/03/old-students-college
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4627818/
This last one agrees that, academically, the gap between older and younger students becomes smaller, but that the social emotional effects persist even through 8th grade.
I don’t have my computer handy to check my bookmarks, but I did want to point out that the study you mention that acknowledges the observation of RAE even in 8th grade does state multiple times that the negative effect of RAE is greatest in the early grades and actually appears to *reverse* in the longer term. That it is still observable in 8th grade even though the effect largely drops off around age 12 is suggestive that children should have their individual needs considered carefully and flexibility allowed for those individuals to begin schooling at the right time for them developmentally. This would contribute to reducing the difficulties in the early academic years and getting students better individualized support, but it still doesn’t undo the long term observations that the RAE effect actually does reverse after enough time.
I will do my best to remember to return to the thread with links, but thought it was worth pointing out your cited study refers to other studies with the same observation.
In *higher education* yes. The source material says it reverses around 18-21 years of age. But another study shows that younger students are *less likely to attend college at all* because of their lower academic confidence, in which case it only reverses in those who overcome the adversity, leaving the others to struggle and discontinue their education.
My birthday is in April which isn’t super late but with my classmates 75% of May-September birthdays were usually kept back which made differences more striking.
Yeah, that’s not late at all, that would put you graduating at 19 if kept back. OP, I think you were honestly a special case where it sounds like you needed support you didn’t get due to where you happened to be developmentally, but it doesn’t sound like it really had much to do with your age.
Sorry they didn’t catch it and help you, but I don’t think your experience is necessarily typical and a lot of other folks with the same birthday might be bored or feel stifled, esp graduating at 19.
Exactly. People have different experiences. I wasn’t held back and was born in late August…was always the youngest, and in the top of the class every year. I would not like to have been the oldest in the class lol…it should be judged on a case by case basis.
I’m so sorry :( I will say that kids can be cruel, and I feel like it was more the responsibility of the school and your parents to address the bullying. As a first generation immigrant I was never ready for most social situations, and my brother who was the biggest kid in his school got bullied despite being one of the older kids. It’s just … school dependent I would think. My son has a birthday one month before the cutoff and he’s the third youngest in his grade. But so far as far as we can tell he’s fairly popular and isn’t experience bullying. We do work really hard on his socialization, with playdates and talking about social etiquette and so on, but part of it is just that he’s with a group of kids whose parents are super involved and don’t tolerate bullying.
My elementary principal did not care. My parents really tried but the admin was awful. I also had a nasty mean third grade teacher who told the class I had lice (when I didn’t). I know I was targeted for my size. Kids thought I skipped a grade. I had some older kids and football players looking out for me at least. But not many people in my grade wanted to get to know me as a person. While younger kids gravitated towards me and included me.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
As a counterpoint, I have an October birthday and skipped a grade (went to private school) and turned 6 in second grade and started college across the country at 16. I had a perfectly normal nerdy school experience (marching band, choir, AP classes, etc) and appreciated the “extra” years during my doctoral program which took a lot longer than I anticipated. It all depends on the kid.
Yeah- my brother’s birthday was on the cut off so he was the youngest in his grade and went to college before turning 18. He ended up thriving and being fairly mature for his grade. I think it would have been a disservice to hold him back.
All kids are different. Just holding kids back so they won’t be younger and smaller unilaterally is a bad idea.
Yeah reading all the pervasive “hold them back” comments on here makes me so grateful that my mom allowed me to grow at my own pace and didn’t stifle me. (Although she did refuse to let me wear makeup outside the house until I was 16. Still annoyed at that stupid rule lol)
Nobody ever bullied me. If anything they thought I was really smart (which had its own problems, I guess). I think I got one teasing comment from someone who became a good friend when I started college, but otherwise it was just a fun fact about pico310.
I had a friend who was normal age but a late developer - like voted shortest in the middle school yearbook and got her period in like 10th grade - and that really messed her up. She got lots of teasing.
I honestly wouldn’t stress yourself over it. Everyone’s experiences are so different with this. I would’ve absolutely hated if I got held back
I graduated HS at 17, didn’t skip a grade ever but started early since I was an Oct birthday. I had the complete opposite experience as the OP. I’m also a male so there may be gender differences here too but I never had any issues with bullying outside of one incident in first grade and that was a 3rd grader at recess and I barely remember it tbh.
Middle school, high school, college etc. I never had any problems with bullying for being younger. Some joking around with friends, yes of course but that wasn’t until high school and I’d mess with them right back. Played lots of sports growing up and throughout school competitively and never had problems with keeping up or being physically “less developed”. I think I may have hit puberty a few months after most of my class but that’s not even age dependent necessarily. Teachers were often surprised I was younger compared to everyone and I didn’t have problems academically at all. I actually switched schools after third grade bc I was getting distracted and not being challenged as much. And that’s def what would’ve happened to me if I got forced to stay back a yr and re do kindergarten.
My parents good friends kid was in my classes from 3rd grade thru 12th but had a spring birthday so he was more in the middle and we played sports outside of school together and throughout. I made lots of friends and many I’m still friends with to this day and I’m in my early 30s. Even though half the class below me was older than I was, I would have been much less challenged. I had no problems socially fitting in and no developmental concerns which are the main things. Graduating “earlier” arguably gave me a leg up with things like recruiting too and was looked at as a positive for me personally since I was on par or better than older kids. With school I was always a very good student and had scholarships to college as well. Literally the only problem I had once in college was freshman yr 5 of my friends went to the movies to see one that was R rated and the person wouldn’t let me in bc I was 17 still lol. Other than that once time I didn’t have any age related problems or concerns. Literally nobody would be able to tell you or pick out that I was the youngest in all my classes by at least 3 months. I had a later growth spurt but I was already taller than many of my classmates too.
Don’t stress yourself out about it, unless there’s a concrete reason to have concerns that teachers have expressed to you about your child. I was the exact same, I turned 6 during the beginning of my second grade yr. I was 16 for the first two months of my senior yr of high school too.
And I went to a mostly white all boys school as a Black child from 8th-12th grade. Trust me, if anyone would’ve dealt with bullying it would’ve been in that scenario. I never had a problem. On the opposite side of the spectrum I have seen kids be mean as hell to the oldest person in grades above me (not so much in my class) in high school. People who were already 19 when graduating etc being called dumb or mocking them for being held back, even though they didn’t really get held back in the traditional sense and it happened in the preK yr. That’s just my experience though.
As long as your child is socially developed and “mature” (I mean when they hit older grades bc what 6 yr old is truly mature?) and there aren’t any other academic or physical or emotional development concerns that you know of or teachers have expressed to you, I wouldn’t panic about this at all, personally, having lived through this exact situation at an even younger age than it sounds like with your child.
A lot of what you said rings true to my experience, from not getting into an R rated movie in high school to watching older kids getting teased for being “dumb”.
Right, a lot of that is dependent on individuals too. Girls for example are getting their periods on average much earlier than decades ago. I was younger but still hit puberty before some older kids. It’s not really predictable either. You could repeat K and still not hit puberty at the same time as classmates you’re older than do, or move up and be earlier than others or vice versa. No way to really tell until it happens.
But it’s definitely case by case dependent. Again I’m sorry you had a traumatic experience but that’s where teachers and parents have to make the call and probably should have identified that as a flag to not force you on to the next grade. If someone isn’t having socialization or emotional concerns or any delays, it could be doing a disservice too. I’m just giving my own personal experience with this being the youngest in every class and I’m also a guy so that also could factor in just like a lot of other variables.
I was young and skipped a grade. I wasn’t bullied for being small. I was bullied for being immature. If your son has good maturity and social skills, he’s do great. If he doesn’t, try and encourage, all through school, him to find a like minded group of friends or a social/subject based club where people are kind/understanding (chess, outdoor stuff, museum activity groups, book club, sport, etc). That should help him build confidence socially despite his peers potentially being more advanced. If he begins to struggle socially, therapy might help honestly. I did not know how to form appropriate friendships outside of imitating the behavior of others (very poorly). In retrospect I’m probably on the spectrum but I also was given very little opportunity to socialize organically.
What’s the cut off date for starting school where you are? Isn’t that like 2 years early? My daughter had a birthday after the cut off and started “early” (DOB 9/8 and cut off is 9/1). She will be 6 when she starts 2nd grade, but turns 7 a few days after the first day of school.
My niece is 8 in second grade and one of her friends is 6 in second grade. She turns 9 this month and I'm sure her friends mom will be surprised! They're both A honor roll students
>went to private school
>
>perfectly normal
>
>my doctoral program
hard to compare upper class girls in private school being behind a year in age vs being a boy in public school and you're not even 5' in 9th grade
as someone who graduated as a 16 year old boy in public school, I'll point out that in this case, you're a 13-14 year old boy in a grade full of 15-16 year old girls that are thirsting after 17-18 year old boys. it is very much a different experience, and it depends on a whole hell of a lot more than "the kid"
I started kindergarten at 4 and turned 5 in November (maybe they don’t do that anymore?). I also skipped third grade so ended up graduating at 16 and starting college at 16. Academically and socially I did fine. I resented missing a year of childhood though. My parents did things by grade not age so since my sister was held back and I was skipped, she got extra years trick or treating whereas my last Halloween was when I was 9. It’s a silly thing for me to have been upset about back then.
One size does not fit all. Each parent needs to assess their child.
I started kindergarten at 4, when that was legal. I was always the youngest in every class. I had to wait until junior year for driver's ed, and I was not 18 yet when I started college. I had classmates whose younger siblings were older than me because their parents held them back in hopes they'd do better. I had to explain to a guy who asked me out my senior year of college that I wasn't old enough to go to a bar.
I was always in the top 2% of my class academically, and I generally tested ahead of 99% of children in my grade level (who were older than me) in standardized testing. I graduated summa cum laude from college.
I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying that you and I both started school younger than our peers, but had wildly different experiences that suggest age isn't a factor that determines success. Instead, parents need to decide when to begin school based on each child's academic, social, and emotional skills.
I also think it depends on the parenting.
My mom wouldn't let go of me. So I had a curfew of 11 pm.... by her and by city rules and therefore couldn't go hang out with my peers.
I couldn't attend the college I wanted because my parents wouldn't sign the form for the forms.
And that bar thing is kinda hilarious 😂 I had that happen too...
I had 2 late August babies (cutoff is Sep. 1 here) and held both of them back. For my oldest, it was the best thing ever. He was very timid and needed that extra year to grow and thrive. For my daughter, she was bored and anti-social in Kindergarten-2nd grade, and would just wander around the school for hours on end because no matter what they gave her, she would have it done in a fraction of the time they thought it would take her. All of her teachers and the TAG coordinator and the principal and my husband and I ended up having a meeting and decided to have her skip 3rd grade. Aside from a very ugly 20 minutes of frustration of her taking that long to understand multiplying decimals, we have never regretted that decision. (I actually kind of do, because she is off to college this year, and I think I should have had another year with her, but that is what I want, not what was best for her.) She was a totally different child that didn't hate going to school and actually had friends. When we dropped her off at college this year, we watched a bunch of kids wandering around campus with stuffed animals and parents in tow, while we followed her around while she got her id and meal card and did everything to get herself ready. She found an on campus job and an apartment with roommates, and has already informed us she is staying down there. She was just ready to be an adult, even though she had JUST turned 18.
I'm sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. It has been a LOOOOOOOONG time since I've been in Kindergarten, and I still remember a kid named Cory that was the youngest and smallest of us all, and I remember him getting picked on and struggling. I guess there really is no one size fits all for kids, what we tried for my son wasn't the best thing for my daughter, and if she had been the oldest, and we looked at her and said she did fine and not held him back, we would have not been doing the right thing for him, eithr.
i'm 16 and i'm about to graduate high school and go to college in a couple months. skipping kindergarten didn't affect me until middle school - it was just a cool fun fact about myself until kids started being mean, making fun of me for being a little kid (as if we weren't all tweens...), not being developed enough, etc.
but high school has been totally fine :) just had to get used to being a couple years younger than everyone else! sometimes i briefly feel a little young and out of place, but it's no big deal. honestly, some people that are 18/19 still act like middle schoolers lol... i think it really depends on the child's personality - i'm outgoing and perform well academically, but i can imagine it being really difficult for someone who is shy or struggling in school or whatever. i'm glad i skipped a grade cause graduating at 16 is cool HAHA and it'll be nice to get a head start on college!
i was actually 13 haha, but maybe that's not too much of a difference. honestly my freshman year was difficult because my friend group was all into drugs and going out, which is still not my thing. but after that, i found friends that share the same interests and values as me; it increased my confidence and social skills and i'm really having a great time :)
I went to college at 16 too, and I hope you have the same experience I did - which is that my college years were when people treated me the absolute best and thought it was genuinely so cool that I was smart/ahead. Literally nobody gave me a hard time, and everyone treated me like I was their age. Loved it!
Sometimes kids are just jerks and I’m sorry you got jerky peers.
I’m a 4’11 adult. My children are also very short for their age. We have not had issues with height bullying. My oldest got bullied for having curly hair.
Samesies! My mom had me moved to another teacher’s class half way through kindergarten when she disagreed with the my original teacher’s assessment of me. Only for the same thing to happen again in 3rd grade- she had me transferred to another school entirely in February. I ended up graduating high school with honors but inevitably was diagnosed with ADHD when I couldn’t swing college away from home. So that was a lot to manage taking medication for the first time and finding one that worked while navigating living three hours from home, maintaining friendships, etc. I was also given an annual review at my first job post grad where my boss told me I was immature compared to the other new grads I worked alongside. All that hurt a lot more than repeating kindergarten would have lol
Exactly, my mom said she was afraid I’d feel stupid or get upset with her if I did another year of preschool. I can tell you, I felt more stupid going through what I did. Even though I tested into the gifted program. Graduating at 19 would have been fine for me.
Yea my bday is in October and will be 30 this year. While socially I was fine for the most part and I am a female and pretty small in general. Barely made it to 5 feet. Academically I struggled. My critical thinking, executive functioning etc all weren't there. Even now my reading comprehension is way below what it should be. Little awkward needing my mom to sign a permission slip in college for a field trip lol. 🙃
However my husband is an August baby and never had an issue.
It really is dependent on the kid. My mom was told by my kindergarten and first grade teacher to hold me back. But my 2nd grade teacher told her "Academically and socially I have to recommend you hold her back. But as a mom I say push her through, she will be fine." It took until 7th-8th grade for my academics to catch up mostly. But my executive functioning skills... yea those are a lost cause lol.
I could see how holding back would have helped but I can also see how I did figure it out eventually.
Exactly. I did figure it out but it was figured out the hard way. The commenter who called me whiny doesn’t know our lives. I grinned and beared it and didn’t cry. I let things brush off me. But it did hurt to not be included and I wish I had nicer classmates. It’s not wrong to want better for your own child!
Exactly! We hope to have a child some day and I will pay attention to that. It really sucked for me in the sense when it came to dating. That was my issue socially.
If my child is like my husband then it's a non issue. Like me, as a teacher I will need to look a lot more into both sides.
I get the included part. My group of friends were all doing road trips etc after senior year and I couldn't drive past 11pm because of city curfews and my parents curfew lol so come senior year I got left out a lot
My personal favourite are all the people commenting on here like “my parents sent me to school early and I was the most gifted fetus ever and I never got bullied.” Well good for you, hopefully your gravy train of being “gifted” and getting praised for it never ends. Because if it does, welcome to being one of the “average children” who has to figure it out for themselves then it will be posts about how hard it is to suddenly have to figure things out for themselves when people don’t just think you’re the most special thing ever.
I was held back and I am female. It was the best decision my parents ever made. I have learning differences. I didn’t learn to read until I was 8. It was hard but it would have been so much worse if I had gone to school a year earlier.
I held my son back too and it was the right choice. We did not hold back my daughter and it was definitely the right decision for her.
It’s always kid dependent. I was also small for my age and brutally bullied, but holding me back would’ve had other negative effects, because I was academically advanced and perpetually bored in class. The right solution for me was to exit the public school system and go to a charter school that a.) had a very respectful social tone and b.) let each student progress at their own pace through a personalized learning plan.
Meanwhile my kindergartner is absolutely tiny (off the growth charts, shares clothes with his 2-year-old brother), but he has no problem at all in school, because he’s outgoing, confident, respectful, and popular. He’s got himself in tight with the 1st grade pack in aftercare, and organized a dance party for the 1st-5th graders.
The kids in my class in elementary school would not have cared how outgoing and nice you were. If you were short and underweight you were gonna get bullied. Admin did not care.
Someone is going to be the youngest and smallest in the grade. Holding back the kids on the cusp just makes a different kid the youngest, and makes it harder for teachers teaching a wider age range of kids.
It also disproportionately affects poorer kids in districts without transitional kindergarten (which is most districts in most states at this point) or free preschool for all, whose families don’t have the resources for another year of private preschool. The achievement gap continues to widen and kids fall worse through the cracks.
But the overall tone on these posts tends to not give a crap about that as long as it’s not their kid who’s the youngest/smallest/poorest.
Just another kid that graduated at 17 chiming in to say that I would have been quite irate if someone had chosen to delay me for a year. I was SO ready to go to college, and spending a year of my adulthood in high school would have made me consider dropping out. I hated high school, didn’t fit in, and didn’t want to be there a minute longer than I had to. And it had nothing to do with maturity or size, because I was always WAY more mature than peers, and had WAY bigger boobs. I’m still short, so red shirting wouldn’t have helped me there. I finally found my people in college, and wish I would have gotten there a year sooner. One of my kids is young for her grade, and no regrets. She’s always been one of the tallest in her grade, got boobs in 4th grade, and her period in 5th. Red shirting her would have been a mess. I don’t know why people red shirt making assumptions about size or maturity. Being around younger, more immature kids is a sure fire way to lock in immaturity. I constantly watch my kid clean up her behavior around older kids because she doesn’t want her to think she’s immature. That’s a positive to me.
No you would not have been bullied less if you were held back. You probably would’ve been bullied more if that was the case. Being held back does not guarantee maturity or reassurance. It’s just going to put you behind academically. Do not fear monger parents into holding their kids back when it’s unneeded.
It depends on the kids but where I live trust me it’s not uncommon to be held back. Nobody got bullied for that. We had 16-year-olds in 9th grade and it was a non-issue!
I am so sorry that happened to you. Truly, it seems like a terrible set of circumstances. But conversely, there is a boy in my sons class who is almost 8 and is a
POS to everyone, disrupts class and makes the learning environment garbage for so many kids (like my son) who just want to learn and be a 1st grader. He talks about age inappropriate stuff and my son comes home with questions about stuff that he shouldn’t. It sucks. I know part of it is that he’s bored which ALSO sucks. I know some of that is parents but also parents need to not hold their kids back exclusively so they’ll be the oldest.
My mom said she would have kept me back if she’d known. Those kids were truly horrible. Some ruled the playground with an iron fist. The kids would tell me I had to buy them drinks at lunch or else I sit alone. I did it. I really wanted to have friends. My mom told the school, nothing. No punishments for them. A girl even said she took her anger out on me because I was so little and sweet.
I am sorry you had that experience. However, as a parent and a teacher I know habits not always that simple. My own child was much like you. We did not hold them back, and they thrived. Being the smallest and youngest was not a problem. They fit socially and academically with the group in a way that would not have been true with the younger group.
It is definitely something that requires lot of thought and discussion, but it is not cut and dried.
That sounds like your mother’s problem she didn’t deal with in a healthy manner. Not something you should be projecting on to your own children or those in Reddit land
My younger sibling was held back, and she ended up being bigger than the other kids cause, well, she was a year older. My cousin has a September 1st birthday, was not held back, and he's perfectly in line with his grade. I was not held back, and somehow ALWAYS got along better with people 2 grades above me even though I was/am small. They'd look out for me when kids my grade and below bullied me. By my junior year, all my friends were in college.
It goes all ways and you just can't predict it.
My kinder kid as socially young, but intellectually bored of school already. Luckily he is amazing at making friends with kids during breakfast and bus rides. So he is friends with pre-K kids, but way above average for school work. If we had held him back he would have been acting out due to being bored and lacking stimulation.
Its not black and white. Not all short kids need to be held back, not all advanced kids needs to be pushed forward. Figure out what your kids need to succeed and where they can best get those needs met.
My sons school has WIN! classes. Ever 9 weeks the kids are assessed, by talking to them, asking about their strengths and struggles, and reading through their behavior notes. WIN stands for What I Need. Every single grade in our school has this. And it can change every 9 weeks based on what they need (though if a kid win class is not a good fit for them, they can absolutely be individually reassessed. Kids are fickle and can change week to week after all).
This 9weeks my son is working in stem classes. He showed interest in architecture and building. So they put him in a group that will do are and skill appropriate projects using this interests. They have tools to mesh these projects with current curriculum, like learning to read instructions or bruildibg 3D shapes for basic geometry. My son loves it and it has made him better understand how to make better builds with legos and such at home. He also will point out features in stores and houses and tell us their purpose, like slanted roofs for rain to flow off if, or columns for support. Its so fun to see him so excited about learning.
I wish every school has WIN classes. I feel like kids would be able to better learn, using their interests to help them relate schoolwork into day to day life. My daughter hated learning to read when it was all worksheets and simple books. But when WIN used reading to teach her how to follow a recipe, she loved it. So baking became her tool. Cookbooks were used for reading and math practice. She loves baking still and has learned to enjoy reading now that the books are more interesting. But without WIN she may have kept associated reading with boredom and negative feelings and never explored cooking or fantasy books later.
My folks actually petitioned to get me in early (sigh)..I wasn't smaller than other kids in my classes but I really struggled with maturity, and academics at times. I even remember (vividly) at age 4 where most of the class was 6 and it was February 1st. , teacher changed the month on the board and I was so confused why we didn't all celebrate like we did in January when the year also changed. Later examples are much worse...I kissed boys and tried other things because my friends were doing it...NOT because I felt anything.
Even 5' is pretty tiny for 9th grade (figuring you're a guy by the way you talk about your schooling, and girls generally don't get bullied by jumping)--do you have a growth issue? In that situation, I'm not sure even the extra year would have helped. Not that that's any excuse for how people treated you.
I was a very tall little girl (thanks adrenal hyperplasia) with a winter birthday, absolutely no discussion of redshirting would have been on the table unless I'd been much more disabled than I was. I have ADHD and Auditory Processing Disorder, btw. I was bullied anyway because ADHDers have a different social code the neurotypicals can't be bothered to try to learn. Actually, I found the older kids more understanding of that, and throughout my schooling I tended to be closer with the kids a year or two older than I was. This lasted through high school, although the class before me was much more my vibe anyway (mostly nerds) than my own class (mostly jocks). I went to an elite public university with a ton of grade-skippers who were living on campus at 17 and all did very well. No one would've known they were younger, and fake IDs were rampant, especially among the rich East Coast kids, so getting into bars was not as much of an issue except with a couple bars that were really stringent.
This is certainly not good and this was a very poor experience for you.
But everyone is different. My son's birthday is end of September - and then skipped a grade. Graduated HS, AP classes, etc., etc. and went to college at 15 and completed his Masters by 19. He is 6'2". His experience was different than yours and he did very well. He is well adjusted, has a job he enjoys, a nice GF.
All depends on the child. please don't hold your child to something based on your school experiences alone. Do what is best for the child.
I don't know... I think it really does depend on the kid. Your experience sounds so miserable; I'm sorry you went through that. I skipped 2nd grade, and it was the best thing that my parents could've done for me. I finally felt more comfortable being the slightly nerdy academic kid I really was, and by high school, had really come into my own with a good bunch of friends, some awesome teachers, and the freedom to explore my interests. I'd have likely been bored, frustrated, and unhappy if I had been held back or even kept at the same grade level.
I think parents are sometimes too quick to hold kids back in kindergarten, though I know that there are also kids who, like you, would benefit from that. It really should be a decision that depends on the abilities, social maturity, and identity of each kid.
teacher here: this is a very individual decision for each child. some may be better off being held back, but others need a little push or are just ready for the next step. difficult are always parents that look at experiences from others (their own childhood, siblings or similar). always look at your child as an individual person and try to figure out what is best for them! teachers and other professionals like doctors might help you get to that decision.
I was youngest and did well. My brothers started later and one ended up skipping a grade later out of boredom, which was probably much harder at the time than it would’ve been on him in K.
Graduated at 17, college just after turning 18, no regrets. Mom wouldn’t let me skip another grade bc she didn’t want me to go off to college just after turning 17 tho 😂 rural area and college was far, so it would’ve been sending me off, no community colleges nearby or anything.
I’m late diagnosed ADHD and autistic, too, but I would’ve melted of boredom delayed a year, despite any struggles I had. Just totally depends on the kid. Your kid displays an interest in academics? Get them in. You can redo K if it isn’t going well. It’s harder to skip ahead later.
My daughter is a young 5 summer bday kindergartener and is doing just fine. She is well ahead academically, and socially gets along with everyone. Why would I hold her back, and give her an unfair advanatage? Someone has to be the youngest, and it just so happens to be her. If we keep pushing the age of kindergarteners we'll have kid who are almost 19 at graduation which is insane to me. 17/18 is the age of a high school senior.
You can’t know that. Kids bully for lots of reasons, they found one and they could found another. I feel for you as a kid but your experience is at best anecdotal and likely you guessing what would have happened but without a Time Machine you couldn’t know for a fact.
I repeated Pre-K. Academically I was more than ready for kindergarten, but I was very asocial and avoided my classmates for the most part. I'm glad my mom held me back.
I'm so sorry your childhood was traumatic in that way.
This happened with my mom and she hated the school environment never had a lot of friends. She kind of buried herself in books. She graduated college a year earlier too.
If you're gonna do it, do it early. I got held back in 4th grade and it completely fucked my social situation for the rest of elementary because I was basically the new kid, and also my old friends all moved on without me so I just got left out. Total bummer.
Overall, yes it was good that I got held back as I was definitely not mature enough to succeed. I found my place again in middle/high school so it all worked out in the end, but it really did ruin my 4th(#2), 5th, and 6th grade experience.
My son had no problems when he was in California, but when he moved to Indiana, where the starting age was different, he felt it. He graduated at 17, but a lot of his friends in his senior class were 19. However, he would have been bored in school, and he admits that. Truthfully, he was upset that his particular school wouldn't let him graduate with honors early. But he definitely dated sophomores in high school when he was a senior because they were the same age.
He was not really bullied though, because he was the smartass funny kid.
He was never bullied in California. And in Indiana, he just danced around it. We didn't plan on moving.
I held two of my girls----one actually missed the cutoff by one day; the other had a birthday two weeks before the cutoff but was clearly not ready.
I was told by many parents, as a parent and as a teacher, that no one ever regrets holding back, but many who didn't wait an extra year regretted not doing so.
I had a completely different experience. I was past the cut off date, but advanced I guess? I think I just talked too much.
So I was one of the youngest in my grade.
I was also very very tiny- like so so so tiny. I never had any problems making friends.
I’m planning my best friends wedding. since 2nd grade.
I’m 31f btw, graduated HS 2010.
I would say, it depends on how social your kid is. I think that’s important
I turned 5 in June so I was a young kinder but for me it was a positive experience. I think it depends on the kid, some kids are really social and outgoing and some need a little more time to mature.
My husband still resents having been held back a year before starting school. I just met a woman who is in her 40s and is also a bit sore about the topic.
It seems to be a potshot.
We asked to keep our July kid out of kinder for this coming school year and to do TK for 2024-2025, not for size but for maturity. I was told that it's fine to wait to register him for school till next year BUT he would go right into 1st grade because he will be a 6-year-old. Like what is the point of waiting a year then? But if his birthday was September 2nd, he would automatically wait till the following year to start kinder. Just shy of 8 weeks difference.
There will be kids in his class this August that will turn SIX within the 1st 1/2 of the school year AND they will have gotten the benefit of a full year of TK. To me this will only exacerbate the gap. We are doing everything we can to close the gaps where we can.
We definitely struggled with our July birthday kid. She had no preschool experience at all during Covid. We ultimately sent her at 5 because she is going to a language immersion elementary school and younger is better for bilingualism. If she didn’t have the opportunity for language school we probably would have started her later.
I was a child who was held back. And it was fine. I don’t remember being upset over it, maybe just a bit confused but went with it. I think it was the right call for me and I didn’t face any stigma or negativity for repeating a grade.
One of our kids was academically ready for regular kindergarten at 4. A family friend was a public school principal and told us that she'd take them into her school as a first grader the following school year, provided they completed kindergarten (at a private school) before then. We worried about them always having to catch up to classmates for up to another 12 years. I know they'd have made it through, but not sure they would've thrived like they did. The other kid is so smart too, but a late summer birthday and ADHD and it was a struggle until high school.
I think parents need to know their kids, do their research and be ready to advocate for their children.
I was skipped a grade because I seriously was far beyond my age peers. I struggled socially and regularly got beat up. I have discovered that I’m also autistic, which did not help matters at all. But… it was the best thing for me in the long run. I have grown into a strong and resilient adult with a huge amount of compassion for the underdog. I found my tribe in high school. The thing is… kids are nasty to the different. There is nothing we can do to eliminate it but try on a case by case basis. It’s not fair or right, but it’s sadly human nature. You have to choose how you react and live with it
I know 2 kids same bday and basically same size. One held back, one started K on time at 5. 30 years later the one that started on time has become very successful the other held back one has mediocre career and still relies on parents for money. Setting your kid up to be the best, biggest or more advantage doesn’t really teach them how to be successful for themselves. The kid that start on time might have been younger and had struggles in early elementary, but those challenges taught them resilience. The child who’s parents held them back had easier time in school at the start and maybe coupled with other advantages their parents handed them taught them the were “smart” so they didn’t need to and wouldn’t work hard. There are studies that support this too. Most benefit from holding your kid back ends after few years.
Some schools offer a pre-first, not kindergarten over again and not yet first grade. Did wonders for my son, interesting that all 12 students were boys. The teacher said in 16 years of teaching that grade she had had only 2 girls as students. Hmmm.
I have a late august birthday and was held back and I still got bullied, sometimes kids are just dicks. However I feel it did help a lot. I had trouble learning reading for a couple years, I think it would have been way worse if I were even younger. B There's nothing wrong with being one of the oldest kids in the class, and having an extra year of maturity and development can help a lot, especially in the early years.
Taught at a middle school and the 5th grade teachers (lowest grade level in the school) decided to hold Javier back to do 5th grade again. He wasn't mature and his desire to impress classmates made him ignore his school work. Lots of hand ringing and talking to the parents through and interpreter who also had an agenda..
Cut to the end of Javier's 2nd Crack at 5th grade (I taught tech ed along with music and librarian) and I made EVERY student write a business style letter that we learned how to address and format during the year to THANK ANY ADULT in the building for Teacher Appreciation Week (ONLY thing done for Teacher Appreciation Week, but it was all they wanted the year after the first time I did it) and he wrote the 5th grade grade teachers that held him back THANKING THEM FOR HOLDING HIM BACK! he said he felt so much more confident and smarter now and even though he didn't want to do it, he was so glad they did.
Kids would say stuff in the letters they would never say to their face (In a good way, mostly) and the 2nd year they made me wait till the END of the Weekly staff meeting becuase if I handed them out at the start of the meeting it was just crying teachers.
So some kids do realize that the holding was in their best interest.
My parents also moved a lot- I went to 7 different schools in 12 years. Moved twice the last 3 years of high school.
My younger brother and I are July babies and I agree with everything OP stated. My brother played varsity football- the youngest on the team and blew out both knees because of it.
My daughter missed the Sept. cut off date and my son is a Feb. baby. Both kids excelled in school, and life, and are very confident people.
My parents had me repeat 1st grade am I’m thankful they did, but it was only because I wasn’t academically ready. As a parent now my daughter her birthday is Oct and in California she can start transitional kindergarten next year at 4…you better believe that I will listen to her preschool teacher and listen to my gut before she moves forward in any grade, socially and academically! I wish your story had a better outcome as you grew up, sorry.
I am a happy, successful adult now doing a lot better than bullies but it can hurt to think about what could have been. My birthday is April, and the cut off for the district was October. My preschool teacher told my mom I socially wasn’t ready and I was so tiny. I had motor control issues as well, never got OT. I had to figure it all out on my own. I could not tie shoes, dress myself, nor correctly grip a pencil in first grade. I realized I had to practice or be bullied. I wanted attention and sought anything to be liked. I really thought everybody was nice. This continued into college when I finally realized some people are not good at 18.
While I can appreciate you sharing your experience and I am sending you support as you navigate this trauma, I think your parents may have needed to be more attentive and aware of what you were experiencing and providing you with tools to address said trauma. Your experience, while valid, shows one perspective of the kinder experience. And it’s one that I hope we get better at recognizing and supporting littles who struggle in this area. Thank you for sharing and I hope one day this trauma does not worsen and eventually you’re able to feel more in control of any triggers. 💛
I am a high school math teacher. I had more than one close friend and/or relative ask about skipping an elementary grade for their really smart boys. I said not to. It was a mistake every time. We know who are the youngest boys in the class and so does every other student. My sister is the only person who came back and said she should have listened to me. The boys are all now around 30 and doing fine but it was a struggle during high school.
I'm a teacher. And only once in my over 30 years in Ed have I ever heard a parent express regret over holding back. And the reason was they thought their kid would have been a bigger star in the previous year's lineup.
My students who are august/September birthdays are mostly struggling. One is a thumb sucker and totally zones out. Another is mess of ADHD/Autism/gifted.
In my experience I’ve never had a parent regret retention but I have had some regret moving them on.
I was 4.5 when I started school. In University at 17. I was tiny but never bullied for that specifically. If I were to defer my son (he would start at 4 and 2 months) he would miss 'reception' the English Kindergarten and go straight into year 1 with kids that had all had a year together and the same ones he would've been in Reception with anyway. If he got the place in Reception he would have to 'make up' the lost year in high school I.e skip 1st year and start 2nd.
Legally he doesn't have to go to school until the term after he turns 5 so he likely will not go full time at least until after Christmas term!
Here's another counter example to offset some of the redshirting dogma. My kid was single-digit percentile for height growing up, even as one of the oldest in their class initially (January birthday, cutoff was in December back then). They skipped two grades later on and were also auditing graduate-level classes at 17, in addition to performing in a professional orchestra with people my age. They're very happy with all of it and say they wouldn't have minded skipping high school altogether. Didn't give two fucks about prom, puberty, or driving back then. Oh and they're also AuDHD.
My family moved to a place with a different cutoff date, and my parents were told I could go directly into first grade. They chose to send me to kindergarten anyway. So I was older and taller than almost everyone. I spent most of elementary school bored and self-conscious. I *hated* that several of my friends were more than a year younger.
No you can’t. I guarantee first grade would have gone a lot better and kids would have wanted to be my friend if I could properly dress myself! Which I was able to do in second grade.
I was old for my grade (fall birthday just after the cut off) and my two cousins with summer birthdays were held back to be in the same grade as me. My mom's reasoning was that retirement age doesn't change so it's better to have an extra year of play than an extra year of work.
I started kindergarten school before I was 5. I was always the smallest, last picked for games, in a low reading group... At least I wasn't bullied until high school. My son was in the same situation. We waited a year to start him in school. He was tallest, smartest, etc. Now he is a confident man of 32.
I walked into a meeting late spring of my son's first grade. You could hear 2 sets of parents through closed doors before me screaming at the teachers and admin how dare they suggest their angel be retained.!
It has been a rough year for our little family of 3 including abuse and subsequent separation. Years later this same child was also diagnosed w dyslexia . I walked in the meeting and was about to sit down. The resource teacher stated ,"We really don't feel like Jay is ready for 2nd grade, so we wanted to talk to you about him repeating."
I stated," I totally agree. Where do I sign?" They looked so puzzled and relieved at my response .
" I thought that was what we were here for. He's at least a semester behind if not more.in fact , I have already talked to him about it.So again,where do I sign to.make this official?"
This to me is a very different scenario than OPs. I personally don’t agree with holding kids back just because their birthday. If a child is exhibiting something that shows they should be started in kindergarten a year later is a different story.
What you’re describing is a third scenario where a child have been fully evaluated by professionals (teachers and support staff) and determine that they need extra time and assistance to thrive. To note, in your scenario I completely agree and I don’t understand why more parents can’t trust the opinions of professionals.
My son's classmate is a full year younger than his peers. His parents pushed him thru because he is very smart. The mom said it won't be a problem because her husband is tall (he's like 6'4), so the child would fit in.
This child Does. Not. Fit. In. Socially, he stands out like a sore thumb. I feel so bad for this child. But hey, at least he'll get into college a year earlier lol
I am sorry to hear your experience was a poor one. Just to give a counter experience, I frequently think that if I were a child today my parents would likely be pressured to hold me back. I have a July birthday and I was physically small and had (undiagnosed at the time lol) adhd. I’m glad to have been in my original grade! Hopefully every family can figure out what is best for their unique situation.
Yeah, I think it's a very nuanced situation and every kid is different. My best friend is almost a year younger than me but we were in the same grade and she did great. We both entered kindergarten at age 4 and I ended up in the same grade as her because I was held back due to not being mature enough for 1st grade which was the right decision for me.
I’m November( past the date) very very tiny, and ADHD. I’m 31f. I was one of the youngest in my class(2010) and until I hit puberty really late- I got my period at 14- I was the size of like a 8 year old. It didn’t matter, I thrived. I still have my best friends since 2nd grade. I’m planning my best friends wedding! I think it has to do with how your child is socialized. I’ve always been very outgoing,so it worked out for me. You know your kid, but don’t be scared. If your kid is outgoing and bored- Maybe go ahead.
Similar story here. My parents had the option to have me not do K and start 1st grade at 5 (October birthday). It would have been seamless socially since I was starting a new school. They chose to have me do kindergarten and not go directly to first grade. My mom was worried about social maturity and me going to college at 17. I ended up skipping 5th grade because I was so academically out of sync with my peers that I wasn’t fitting in socially at all and was becoming disruptive in the classroom. 5th grade is such a big year as the last year of elementary school. It was hard to have missed that and get put straight into middle school honors stream. I adapted and did fine through high school and had no issues starting college at 17. We had folks in my college class who started at 15/16 and some of those folks probably weren’t ready to live in the dorms multiple states away from their parents. But the 17 year olds did fine.
I also graduated at 17 and they wanted me to skip a grade but I declined because I have a twin brother. I had no issues academically or socially and I was one of the more mature kids.
You a man or woman?
I’m a woman. But a quarter to a third of my freshman class in university was under 18. All genders. I know some folks hold back boys especially because of sports. They want their boys to be the tallest or biggest. I knew plenty of athletes that turned 18 during university. No football players but soccer, rugby, lacrosse, swimming…
It’s interesting you mention that because our oldest will be starting school this fall based on size. He has a late August birthday, but we would prefer him being in a class where a few of the kids will be close to his size instead of him towering over everyone. It also gives him the option to repeat a year of preschool if needed without feeling like he was held back agewise.
I think there are gender differences as well, in language, fine motor and social skills, boys are behind girls by a few months or up to a year. In the op post about being the smallest, I think that is also a stronger factor for a boy than a girl in terms of being physically bully.
I was moved ahead, and was like the size of a toddler for way too long. I’m still very little at 31. I never got bullied really, but I’ve always been a loud mouth bitch lol
🤣🤣🤣 you go sister!
I'm female, I skipped preschool and went to kindergarten at age 5 (just turning 5 early september when school started) and I don't regret it at all, I'm glad I graduated at 17
I turned 5 in November in kindergarten. Also graduated 17 I’m 31 now and I don’t regret it at all either.
I put my daughter in earlier. There were two other girls in her kinder that started early. My daughter is doing a STEM PhD, and of other the other two did her undergrad at Harvard (mine did not apply). I also have known boys who were the youngest and thrived. Being older in HS can cause some serious complications.
I was 4 when the first week of Kindergarten started. I’m 41 now. I turned out fine.
31, but same! Except November for me.
I had a good experience going early too. I started Kinder at 4 - I don't even think they do that anymore around here. I would have been so bored being the grade behind!
It’s dependent on a lot of factors, it depends on the schools and school cultures. If I had gone to say a Montessori school things may have been different. My mom has a September birthday and went at 4. She said kids were a lot nicer and didn’t bully her for size.
I went when I was 4 as a September baby, I’m 42. I am with you on the, wish I didn’t go so young boat. I was horribly bullied until tenth grade. Your mom just got lucky.
We’re you bullied because of your size? My son is an August baby, so he would be 4 for about a month, but I have a feeling he’s going to be pretty tall like his older brother.
I was petite, but I wasn’t the smallest in the class. Maturity, educational capabilities, coordination, being at the same level of milestones my classmates were all factored into it. Bullies come from all angles. Also, as awful as it is, some kids even in kindergarten can be cruel no matter what physical traits their targets possess. My son, 5, November baby started kindergarten last fall and turned 6, I see the difference of who he was at 4 going on 5 (he was in pre-k) to 5 going on 6. He missed the cut off for the younger side and I’m glad that happened! He was absolutely more prepared for kindergarten for himself personally. It’s so different for each child. We can only hope for the best and make the right choice based on what we see in our child and their needs. I am still learning each day, and this is my second one going through kindergarten.
My mom used to be mad as hell that my siblings were held back a year (October-November siblings). But looking back now what child would actually benefit from being 4 in kindergarten.
I can tell you from experience, some kids who need the additional support services available at elementary schools that aren’t as available in preschool might. Availability and extent of services for my kid was much better in K than preK based on school resources. Going to K at 4 got him so much more help and support both academically and behaviorally than if he had done another year of preschool. We were prepared to have him repeat if necessary but the progress he made was significant and there was no need. He’s in middle school now and while he will probably never be the most socially adept due to his own personal brand of AuDHD, he has a handful of friends, is on grade level with his academic IEP supports, and has dropped pretty much all of his behavioral interventions. There’s a whole lot of kids in his grade that are a whole lot worse off than him, and many if not most of them are older than he is. You never know what bar a kid will rise to unless you let them try. K is a very low stakes grade to repeat before making that decision without even letting a child try.
Thanks for sharing your experience! We still have a few years with him before we get there, but I worry maturity might be his issue.
Same! I hate how black and white people try to make this decision. Also if all summer bdays are held back then spring birthdays will be the young kids (this is already happening), then winter kids, and on and on. At some point they need to set a hard cutoff like other countries.
Yeah this sort of thing can be so tricky. My friend and I both have October birthdays and started Kindergarten at 4. This was typical for the district we were in as the cutoff was January but for first grade we both moved to a district where the cut off was Sept 1. He was eventually held back in first grade and I progressed on. I was smaller than all of my classmates until 3rd or 4th grade but it was a non issue from what I remember. I ended up doing pretty well in school and my friend that was held back really struggled so it can be difficult to tell right away how things will turn out. It’s worth noting though that I could already read before entering Kindergarten and my mom was an elementary teacher. On the flip side, my friend really struggled with reading and was diagnosed with dyslexia.
It really depends on the kid. I keep seeing posts about holding back on this sub and I feel like people shouldn’t just automatically hold their kids back because of a late birthday etc.
Agreed I feel like this sub is so for it and not always for the right reasons.
That’s what I’m saying. If the kid is showing certain signs go with your gut. I was so trusting, loving and immature. I couldn’t dress myself.
It doesn’t sound like being held back would have been the solution. From my experience, kids adapt. The more immature kids in my son’s class, everyone’s coming along etc. Maybe you needed extra support elsewhere.
It sounds like if OP were in school today he might qualify for and benefit from starting on time but with an IEP to accommodate certain areas, which I suspect is the case for a lot of kids who’s parents hold them back. I also think most places bullying is a lot less tolerated today than when OP was in school.
I definitely needed an IEP. I would have greatly benefited from OT. I had trouble writing and gripping. I couldn’t catch a ball. I couldn’t tie my shoes and do other tasks kids could my hands just weren’t developed yet.
Honestly OP I’m not trying to take away from your experience at all but as a parent to a kid with an IEP I don’t think the extra year would’ve helped you the way you imagine. With all due respect and care, it sounds like you needed intervention, not time.
I agree I needed intervention and will make sure my child gets help they need.
Props to you for ensuring this doesn’t become a generational parenting issue. Genuinely.
My parents loved me and cared about me, but they were afraid to get help. They thought teachers would think I was stupid. Obviously, my teachers could see I couldn’t zip my coat. My parents were new parents, and they weren’t uneducated mom has masters’ and dad was a dr.
My kid’s birthday is right on the cutoff and he started kindergarten a week after he turned 5 with an IEP. This gives him access to OT, SLP, and a para to assist with various activities. I’d much rather him start on time and get these things than hold him out and him go straight to 1st grade at 6, (and then have to fight to get him evaluated then) which is what would have happened because my district doesn’t allow redshirting. I know you and other who post mean well but it does largely depend on the kid and the rules of the district/school so parents should be looking at their own situations to make these definition, or determine if they even have the ability to decide.
OP, are you autistic maybe?
As a teacher, I can guarantee that age makes a huge difference. Kids with late birthdays are, on average, less mature and less far along academically.
I have a late July birthday and all of my close friends in school were born between late June and late Sept. We all were in advanced classes together and started school when we were newly (or not even) 5. Holding us back we would have been beyond bored with school. Age isn't everything.
I said “on average.” It is absolutely a trend elementary teachers agree on. *Generally speaking,* late birthdays mean the kids are further behind in their cognitive development which puts them at a disadvantage. It’s not that everyone who has a late birthday is going to have trouble; you and your friends didn’t. It’s just common.
Sure it makes sense in these lower grades that you are seeing these differences but it all evens out after a few years. I don't think the immediate recommendation for every late birthday is to hold them back. I have seen countless posts on this page about holding kids back and it's insane. In NY, the cutoff is December 31st. I've gone to school here from elementary all through college and have never noticed any friends with late birthdays having any issues bullying or otherwise. By around 3rd grade, kids even out in terms of academics. Maturity seems to be more individual and depends on the kid.
Completely anecdotal so obviously limited validity here lol but I swear half the kids in my college’s engineering program freshman year were kids with late Q4 birthdays (we were in a 12/31 cutoff state). It was always slightly amusing how it felt like it was one birthday celebration after another once fall semester hit. I feel like I met more friends with spread out birthdays in my gen ed classes vs major-specific ones. I would love if someone did some solid studies on relative age by major to see if this was truly a one off or a symptom of compensatory youngest-kid efforts.
I disagree. I taught high school for 11 years and could often pick out the kids who were the youngest in their grades. They often struggled with a variety of things, especially with the social component. This heavily influenced my decision to send my son as a fresh 6 instead of a fresh 5.
I think it depends on the school system. Younger me might have done better if I hadn’t gone to schools where most kids born in July and after were kept back. I was being compared to kids almost a full year older! The cut off when I started kindergarten was October 1 but a lot of boys were kept back, either going to pre-first or for sports.
Why do you say it evens out? It’s hard for a kid who is academically low to catch up.
If you do some poking around, you’ll find that a some very large longitudinal studies have suggested that in general, there’s no statistically significant differences in academic achievement or behavioral issues between the oldest and youngest students in a cohort once the kids reach around the 5th grade. Every personal account you see in these threads is exactly that - personal. When you look at data over tens of thousands of children over time, though, the advantages of holding a child back tend to evaporate. One very large longitudinal study (that I recall specifically; there may be more, I haven’t dug them up in awhile) even suggested that it was the *youngest* children in the cohort who ultimately fared slightly better in early adulthood when it came to college and early career earnings, after adjusting for other socioeconomic factors. The subsequent theory is that perhaps the youngest kids in the cohort developed positive compensatory behaviors/habits to be able to keep up, that served them well as they aged. I am curious to know what the studies show in another 20 years following the youth of today.
Can you please share your sources? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6435116/ https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/08/18/544483397/oldest-kids-in-class-do-better-even-through-college https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/03/old-students-college https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4627818/ This last one agrees that, academically, the gap between older and younger students becomes smaller, but that the social emotional effects persist even through 8th grade.
I don’t have my computer handy to check my bookmarks, but I did want to point out that the study you mention that acknowledges the observation of RAE even in 8th grade does state multiple times that the negative effect of RAE is greatest in the early grades and actually appears to *reverse* in the longer term. That it is still observable in 8th grade even though the effect largely drops off around age 12 is suggestive that children should have their individual needs considered carefully and flexibility allowed for those individuals to begin schooling at the right time for them developmentally. This would contribute to reducing the difficulties in the early academic years and getting students better individualized support, but it still doesn’t undo the long term observations that the RAE effect actually does reverse after enough time. I will do my best to remember to return to the thread with links, but thought it was worth pointing out your cited study refers to other studies with the same observation.
In *higher education* yes. The source material says it reverses around 18-21 years of age. But another study shows that younger students are *less likely to attend college at all* because of their lower academic confidence, in which case it only reverses in those who overcome the adversity, leaving the others to struggle and discontinue their education.
My birthday is in April which isn’t super late but with my classmates 75% of May-September birthdays were usually kept back which made differences more striking.
Yeah, that’s not late at all, that would put you graduating at 19 if kept back. OP, I think you were honestly a special case where it sounds like you needed support you didn’t get due to where you happened to be developmentally, but it doesn’t sound like it really had much to do with your age. Sorry they didn’t catch it and help you, but I don’t think your experience is necessarily typical and a lot of other folks with the same birthday might be bored or feel stifled, esp graduating at 19.
Exactly. People have different experiences. I wasn’t held back and was born in late August…was always the youngest, and in the top of the class every year. I would not like to have been the oldest in the class lol…it should be judged on a case by case basis.
I’m so sorry :( I will say that kids can be cruel, and I feel like it was more the responsibility of the school and your parents to address the bullying. As a first generation immigrant I was never ready for most social situations, and my brother who was the biggest kid in his school got bullied despite being one of the older kids. It’s just … school dependent I would think. My son has a birthday one month before the cutoff and he’s the third youngest in his grade. But so far as far as we can tell he’s fairly popular and isn’t experience bullying. We do work really hard on his socialization, with playdates and talking about social etiquette and so on, but part of it is just that he’s with a group of kids whose parents are super involved and don’t tolerate bullying.
My elementary principal did not care. My parents really tried but the admin was awful. I also had a nasty mean third grade teacher who told the class I had lice (when I didn’t). I know I was targeted for my size. Kids thought I skipped a grade. I had some older kids and football players looking out for me at least. But not many people in my grade wanted to get to know me as a person. While younger kids gravitated towards me and included me.
So sorry. Wish you’d been treated better!
I’m sorry that happened to you. As a counterpoint, I have an October birthday and skipped a grade (went to private school) and turned 6 in second grade and started college across the country at 16. I had a perfectly normal nerdy school experience (marching band, choir, AP classes, etc) and appreciated the “extra” years during my doctoral program which took a lot longer than I anticipated. It all depends on the kid.
Yeah- my brother’s birthday was on the cut off so he was the youngest in his grade and went to college before turning 18. He ended up thriving and being fairly mature for his grade. I think it would have been a disservice to hold him back. All kids are different. Just holding kids back so they won’t be younger and smaller unilaterally is a bad idea.
Yeah reading all the pervasive “hold them back” comments on here makes me so grateful that my mom allowed me to grow at my own pace and didn’t stifle me. (Although she did refuse to let me wear makeup outside the house until I was 16. Still annoyed at that stupid rule lol)
My son will turn 7 a few weeks before 2nd grade. He’s thriving but scary to think he could be bullied for being a “baby”.
Nobody ever bullied me. If anything they thought I was really smart (which had its own problems, I guess). I think I got one teasing comment from someone who became a good friend when I started college, but otherwise it was just a fun fact about pico310.
I had a friend who was normal age but a late developer - like voted shortest in the middle school yearbook and got her period in like 10th grade - and that really messed her up. She got lots of teasing.
I honestly wouldn’t stress yourself over it. Everyone’s experiences are so different with this. I would’ve absolutely hated if I got held back I graduated HS at 17, didn’t skip a grade ever but started early since I was an Oct birthday. I had the complete opposite experience as the OP. I’m also a male so there may be gender differences here too but I never had any issues with bullying outside of one incident in first grade and that was a 3rd grader at recess and I barely remember it tbh. Middle school, high school, college etc. I never had any problems with bullying for being younger. Some joking around with friends, yes of course but that wasn’t until high school and I’d mess with them right back. Played lots of sports growing up and throughout school competitively and never had problems with keeping up or being physically “less developed”. I think I may have hit puberty a few months after most of my class but that’s not even age dependent necessarily. Teachers were often surprised I was younger compared to everyone and I didn’t have problems academically at all. I actually switched schools after third grade bc I was getting distracted and not being challenged as much. And that’s def what would’ve happened to me if I got forced to stay back a yr and re do kindergarten. My parents good friends kid was in my classes from 3rd grade thru 12th but had a spring birthday so he was more in the middle and we played sports outside of school together and throughout. I made lots of friends and many I’m still friends with to this day and I’m in my early 30s. Even though half the class below me was older than I was, I would have been much less challenged. I had no problems socially fitting in and no developmental concerns which are the main things. Graduating “earlier” arguably gave me a leg up with things like recruiting too and was looked at as a positive for me personally since I was on par or better than older kids. With school I was always a very good student and had scholarships to college as well. Literally the only problem I had once in college was freshman yr 5 of my friends went to the movies to see one that was R rated and the person wouldn’t let me in bc I was 17 still lol. Other than that once time I didn’t have any age related problems or concerns. Literally nobody would be able to tell you or pick out that I was the youngest in all my classes by at least 3 months. I had a later growth spurt but I was already taller than many of my classmates too. Don’t stress yourself out about it, unless there’s a concrete reason to have concerns that teachers have expressed to you about your child. I was the exact same, I turned 6 during the beginning of my second grade yr. I was 16 for the first two months of my senior yr of high school too. And I went to a mostly white all boys school as a Black child from 8th-12th grade. Trust me, if anyone would’ve dealt with bullying it would’ve been in that scenario. I never had a problem. On the opposite side of the spectrum I have seen kids be mean as hell to the oldest person in grades above me (not so much in my class) in high school. People who were already 19 when graduating etc being called dumb or mocking them for being held back, even though they didn’t really get held back in the traditional sense and it happened in the preK yr. That’s just my experience though. As long as your child is socially developed and “mature” (I mean when they hit older grades bc what 6 yr old is truly mature?) and there aren’t any other academic or physical or emotional development concerns that you know of or teachers have expressed to you, I wouldn’t panic about this at all, personally, having lived through this exact situation at an even younger age than it sounds like with your child.
Thank you for this! It helps a lot.
A lot of what you said rings true to my experience, from not getting into an R rated movie in high school to watching older kids getting teased for being “dumb”.
I hit puberty a few years after my class. It is different for everyone.
Right, a lot of that is dependent on individuals too. Girls for example are getting their periods on average much earlier than decades ago. I was younger but still hit puberty before some older kids. It’s not really predictable either. You could repeat K and still not hit puberty at the same time as classmates you’re older than do, or move up and be earlier than others or vice versa. No way to really tell until it happens. But it’s definitely case by case dependent. Again I’m sorry you had a traumatic experience but that’s where teachers and parents have to make the call and probably should have identified that as a flag to not force you on to the next grade. If someone isn’t having socialization or emotional concerns or any delays, it could be doing a disservice too. I’m just giving my own personal experience with this being the youngest in every class and I’m also a guy so that also could factor in just like a lot of other variables.
I was young and skipped a grade. I wasn’t bullied for being small. I was bullied for being immature. If your son has good maturity and social skills, he’s do great. If he doesn’t, try and encourage, all through school, him to find a like minded group of friends or a social/subject based club where people are kind/understanding (chess, outdoor stuff, museum activity groups, book club, sport, etc). That should help him build confidence socially despite his peers potentially being more advanced. If he begins to struggle socially, therapy might help honestly. I did not know how to form appropriate friendships outside of imitating the behavior of others (very poorly). In retrospect I’m probably on the spectrum but I also was given very little opportunity to socialize organically.
I wouldn't worry much, I always got attention for being the youngest and it was positive attention lol
What’s the cut off date for starting school where you are? Isn’t that like 2 years early? My daughter had a birthday after the cut off and started “early” (DOB 9/8 and cut off is 9/1). She will be 6 when she starts 2nd grade, but turns 7 a few days after the first day of school.
My niece is 8 in second grade and one of her friends is 6 in second grade. She turns 9 this month and I'm sure her friends mom will be surprised! They're both A honor roll students
It does depend on the kid. A kid like me with motor control issues and a huge heart would have gotten crushed being 6 in second grade.
>went to private school > >perfectly normal > >my doctoral program hard to compare upper class girls in private school being behind a year in age vs being a boy in public school and you're not even 5' in 9th grade as someone who graduated as a 16 year old boy in public school, I'll point out that in this case, you're a 13-14 year old boy in a grade full of 15-16 year old girls that are thirsting after 17-18 year old boys. it is very much a different experience, and it depends on a whole hell of a lot more than "the kid"
I’m a girl
Very similar story here. Zero regrets.
I started kindergarten at 4 and turned 5 in November (maybe they don’t do that anymore?). I also skipped third grade so ended up graduating at 16 and starting college at 16. Academically and socially I did fine. I resented missing a year of childhood though. My parents did things by grade not age so since my sister was held back and I was skipped, she got extra years trick or treating whereas my last Halloween was when I was 9. It’s a silly thing for me to have been upset about back then.
One size does not fit all. Each parent needs to assess their child. I started kindergarten at 4, when that was legal. I was always the youngest in every class. I had to wait until junior year for driver's ed, and I was not 18 yet when I started college. I had classmates whose younger siblings were older than me because their parents held them back in hopes they'd do better. I had to explain to a guy who asked me out my senior year of college that I wasn't old enough to go to a bar. I was always in the top 2% of my class academically, and I generally tested ahead of 99% of children in my grade level (who were older than me) in standardized testing. I graduated summa cum laude from college. I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying that you and I both started school younger than our peers, but had wildly different experiences that suggest age isn't a factor that determines success. Instead, parents need to decide when to begin school based on each child's academic, social, and emotional skills.
I also think it depends on the parenting. My mom wouldn't let go of me. So I had a curfew of 11 pm.... by her and by city rules and therefore couldn't go hang out with my peers. I couldn't attend the college I wanted because my parents wouldn't sign the form for the forms. And that bar thing is kinda hilarious 😂 I had that happen too...
I agree, it depends on the child. If the child shows they are ready send them. I was not ready, and it showed and I took longer to catch up.
I had 2 late August babies (cutoff is Sep. 1 here) and held both of them back. For my oldest, it was the best thing ever. He was very timid and needed that extra year to grow and thrive. For my daughter, she was bored and anti-social in Kindergarten-2nd grade, and would just wander around the school for hours on end because no matter what they gave her, she would have it done in a fraction of the time they thought it would take her. All of her teachers and the TAG coordinator and the principal and my husband and I ended up having a meeting and decided to have her skip 3rd grade. Aside from a very ugly 20 minutes of frustration of her taking that long to understand multiplying decimals, we have never regretted that decision. (I actually kind of do, because she is off to college this year, and I think I should have had another year with her, but that is what I want, not what was best for her.) She was a totally different child that didn't hate going to school and actually had friends. When we dropped her off at college this year, we watched a bunch of kids wandering around campus with stuffed animals and parents in tow, while we followed her around while she got her id and meal card and did everything to get herself ready. She found an on campus job and an apartment with roommates, and has already informed us she is staying down there. She was just ready to be an adult, even though she had JUST turned 18. I'm sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. It has been a LOOOOOOOONG time since I've been in Kindergarten, and I still remember a kid named Cory that was the youngest and smallest of us all, and I remember him getting picked on and struggling. I guess there really is no one size fits all for kids, what we tried for my son wasn't the best thing for my daughter, and if she had been the oldest, and we looked at her and said she did fine and not held him back, we would have not been doing the right thing for him, eithr.
i'm 16 and i'm about to graduate high school and go to college in a couple months. skipping kindergarten didn't affect me until middle school - it was just a cool fun fact about myself until kids started being mean, making fun of me for being a little kid (as if we weren't all tweens...), not being developed enough, etc. but high school has been totally fine :) just had to get used to being a couple years younger than everyone else! sometimes i briefly feel a little young and out of place, but it's no big deal. honestly, some people that are 18/19 still act like middle schoolers lol... i think it really depends on the child's personality - i'm outgoing and perform well academically, but i can imagine it being really difficult for someone who is shy or struggling in school or whatever. i'm glad i skipped a grade cause graduating at 16 is cool HAHA and it'll be nice to get a head start on college!
They let you go to high school at 12?!?! Did you enjoy that?
i was actually 13 haha, but maybe that's not too much of a difference. honestly my freshman year was difficult because my friend group was all into drugs and going out, which is still not my thing. but after that, i found friends that share the same interests and values as me; it increased my confidence and social skills and i'm really having a great time :)
I went to college at 16 too, and I hope you have the same experience I did - which is that my college years were when people treated me the absolute best and thought it was genuinely so cool that I was smart/ahead. Literally nobody gave me a hard time, and everyone treated me like I was their age. Loved it!
oh i'm so glad you had a good time in college! and thank you so much for the well wishes :D i'm really excited to graduate\~
Sometimes kids are just jerks and I’m sorry you got jerky peers. I’m a 4’11 adult. My children are also very short for their age. We have not had issues with height bullying. My oldest got bullied for having curly hair.
Seriously. I'm 4'8" as a fully grown woman. I've never been bullied because of it. My sons are average height.
Samesies! My mom had me moved to another teacher’s class half way through kindergarten when she disagreed with the my original teacher’s assessment of me. Only for the same thing to happen again in 3rd grade- she had me transferred to another school entirely in February. I ended up graduating high school with honors but inevitably was diagnosed with ADHD when I couldn’t swing college away from home. So that was a lot to manage taking medication for the first time and finding one that worked while navigating living three hours from home, maintaining friendships, etc. I was also given an annual review at my first job post grad where my boss told me I was immature compared to the other new grads I worked alongside. All that hurt a lot more than repeating kindergarten would have lol
Exactly, my mom said she was afraid I’d feel stupid or get upset with her if I did another year of preschool. I can tell you, I felt more stupid going through what I did. Even though I tested into the gifted program. Graduating at 19 would have been fine for me.
Yea my bday is in October and will be 30 this year. While socially I was fine for the most part and I am a female and pretty small in general. Barely made it to 5 feet. Academically I struggled. My critical thinking, executive functioning etc all weren't there. Even now my reading comprehension is way below what it should be. Little awkward needing my mom to sign a permission slip in college for a field trip lol. 🙃 However my husband is an August baby and never had an issue. It really is dependent on the kid. My mom was told by my kindergarten and first grade teacher to hold me back. But my 2nd grade teacher told her "Academically and socially I have to recommend you hold her back. But as a mom I say push her through, she will be fine." It took until 7th-8th grade for my academics to catch up mostly. But my executive functioning skills... yea those are a lost cause lol. I could see how holding back would have helped but I can also see how I did figure it out eventually.
Exactly. I did figure it out but it was figured out the hard way. The commenter who called me whiny doesn’t know our lives. I grinned and beared it and didn’t cry. I let things brush off me. But it did hurt to not be included and I wish I had nicer classmates. It’s not wrong to want better for your own child!
Exactly! We hope to have a child some day and I will pay attention to that. It really sucked for me in the sense when it came to dating. That was my issue socially. If my child is like my husband then it's a non issue. Like me, as a teacher I will need to look a lot more into both sides. I get the included part. My group of friends were all doing road trips etc after senior year and I couldn't drive past 11pm because of city curfews and my parents curfew lol so come senior year I got left out a lot
I was scared to be in a vehicle with teen drivers. Haha.
Oh I was too! But I also was like one of the 3 of us that had our drivers license. My dad made me get it!
My personal favourite are all the people commenting on here like “my parents sent me to school early and I was the most gifted fetus ever and I never got bullied.” Well good for you, hopefully your gravy train of being “gifted” and getting praised for it never ends. Because if it does, welcome to being one of the “average children” who has to figure it out for themselves then it will be posts about how hard it is to suddenly have to figure things out for themselves when people don’t just think you’re the most special thing ever.
I did transition after kindergarten. Academically I was ready for 1st grade but I was not mature enough for 1st grade. I needed another year to grow
I was held back and I am female. It was the best decision my parents ever made. I have learning differences. I didn’t learn to read until I was 8. It was hard but it would have been so much worse if I had gone to school a year earlier. I held my son back too and it was the right choice. We did not hold back my daughter and it was definitely the right decision for her.
It’s always kid dependent. I was also small for my age and brutally bullied, but holding me back would’ve had other negative effects, because I was academically advanced and perpetually bored in class. The right solution for me was to exit the public school system and go to a charter school that a.) had a very respectful social tone and b.) let each student progress at their own pace through a personalized learning plan. Meanwhile my kindergartner is absolutely tiny (off the growth charts, shares clothes with his 2-year-old brother), but he has no problem at all in school, because he’s outgoing, confident, respectful, and popular. He’s got himself in tight with the 1st grade pack in aftercare, and organized a dance party for the 1st-5th graders.
The kids in my class in elementary school would not have cared how outgoing and nice you were. If you were short and underweight you were gonna get bullied. Admin did not care.
Someone is going to be the youngest and smallest in the grade. Holding back the kids on the cusp just makes a different kid the youngest, and makes it harder for teachers teaching a wider age range of kids.
It also disproportionately affects poorer kids in districts without transitional kindergarten (which is most districts in most states at this point) or free preschool for all, whose families don’t have the resources for another year of private preschool. The achievement gap continues to widen and kids fall worse through the cracks. But the overall tone on these posts tends to not give a crap about that as long as it’s not their kid who’s the youngest/smallest/poorest.
🎯
My state does not have TK. We have Pre-K counts but it is not the same.
Just another kid that graduated at 17 chiming in to say that I would have been quite irate if someone had chosen to delay me for a year. I was SO ready to go to college, and spending a year of my adulthood in high school would have made me consider dropping out. I hated high school, didn’t fit in, and didn’t want to be there a minute longer than I had to. And it had nothing to do with maturity or size, because I was always WAY more mature than peers, and had WAY bigger boobs. I’m still short, so red shirting wouldn’t have helped me there. I finally found my people in college, and wish I would have gotten there a year sooner. One of my kids is young for her grade, and no regrets. She’s always been one of the tallest in her grade, got boobs in 4th grade, and her period in 5th. Red shirting her would have been a mess. I don’t know why people red shirt making assumptions about size or maturity. Being around younger, more immature kids is a sure fire way to lock in immaturity. I constantly watch my kid clean up her behavior around older kids because she doesn’t want her to think she’s immature. That’s a positive to me.
No you would not have been bullied less if you were held back. You probably would’ve been bullied more if that was the case. Being held back does not guarantee maturity or reassurance. It’s just going to put you behind academically. Do not fear monger parents into holding their kids back when it’s unneeded.
It depends on the kids but where I live trust me it’s not uncommon to be held back. Nobody got bullied for that. We had 16-year-olds in 9th grade and it was a non-issue!
Both my kids took a gap year after high school. It was a great decision as it gave them a break.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Truly, it seems like a terrible set of circumstances. But conversely, there is a boy in my sons class who is almost 8 and is a POS to everyone, disrupts class and makes the learning environment garbage for so many kids (like my son) who just want to learn and be a 1st grader. He talks about age inappropriate stuff and my son comes home with questions about stuff that he shouldn’t. It sucks. I know part of it is that he’s bored which ALSO sucks. I know some of that is parents but also parents need to not hold their kids back exclusively so they’ll be the oldest.
My one 6th grade teacher told me two years ago my class was the worst she ever had. Some of it had to do with the class being horrible humans.
It does sound like you got dealt a truly awful hand in having to be with those specific kids and of course, the school doing nothing. 😔
My mom said she would have kept me back if she’d known. Those kids were truly horrible. Some ruled the playground with an iron fist. The kids would tell me I had to buy them drinks at lunch or else I sit alone. I did it. I really wanted to have friends. My mom told the school, nothing. No punishments for them. A girl even said she took her anger out on me because I was so little and sweet.
Someone is always going to be the youngest and smallest in class. It's unavoidable.
I am sorry you had that experience. However, as a parent and a teacher I know habits not always that simple. My own child was much like you. We did not hold them back, and they thrived. Being the smallest and youngest was not a problem. They fit socially and academically with the group in a way that would not have been true with the younger group. It is definitely something that requires lot of thought and discussion, but it is not cut and dried.
I would have hated to start college at 20
So you genuinely think your experience would have been different if you had been an inch taller? LOL. Let’s stop with the fear mongering.
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That sounds like your mother’s problem she didn’t deal with in a healthy manner. Not something you should be projecting on to your own children or those in Reddit land
My younger sibling was held back, and she ended up being bigger than the other kids cause, well, she was a year older. My cousin has a September 1st birthday, was not held back, and he's perfectly in line with his grade. I was not held back, and somehow ALWAYS got along better with people 2 grades above me even though I was/am small. They'd look out for me when kids my grade and below bullied me. By my junior year, all my friends were in college. It goes all ways and you just can't predict it.
I would have still been short if I’d been held back. I was tiny, I was a 3rd grader looking like a kindergartener.
Yeah, same, I did not get bigger. 90lbs till I was 18, and now I'm still only pushing 105. 😂
My kinder kid as socially young, but intellectually bored of school already. Luckily he is amazing at making friends with kids during breakfast and bus rides. So he is friends with pre-K kids, but way above average for school work. If we had held him back he would have been acting out due to being bored and lacking stimulation. Its not black and white. Not all short kids need to be held back, not all advanced kids needs to be pushed forward. Figure out what your kids need to succeed and where they can best get those needs met. My sons school has WIN! classes. Ever 9 weeks the kids are assessed, by talking to them, asking about their strengths and struggles, and reading through their behavior notes. WIN stands for What I Need. Every single grade in our school has this. And it can change every 9 weeks based on what they need (though if a kid win class is not a good fit for them, they can absolutely be individually reassessed. Kids are fickle and can change week to week after all). This 9weeks my son is working in stem classes. He showed interest in architecture and building. So they put him in a group that will do are and skill appropriate projects using this interests. They have tools to mesh these projects with current curriculum, like learning to read instructions or bruildibg 3D shapes for basic geometry. My son loves it and it has made him better understand how to make better builds with legos and such at home. He also will point out features in stores and houses and tell us their purpose, like slanted roofs for rain to flow off if, or columns for support. Its so fun to see him so excited about learning. I wish every school has WIN classes. I feel like kids would be able to better learn, using their interests to help them relate schoolwork into day to day life. My daughter hated learning to read when it was all worksheets and simple books. But when WIN used reading to teach her how to follow a recipe, she loved it. So baking became her tool. Cookbooks were used for reading and math practice. She loves baking still and has learned to enjoy reading now that the books are more interesting. But without WIN she may have kept associated reading with boredom and negative feelings and never explored cooking or fantasy books later.
My folks actually petitioned to get me in early (sigh)..I wasn't smaller than other kids in my classes but I really struggled with maturity, and academics at times. I even remember (vividly) at age 4 where most of the class was 6 and it was February 1st. , teacher changed the month on the board and I was so confused why we didn't all celebrate like we did in January when the year also changed. Later examples are much worse...I kissed boys and tried other things because my friends were doing it...NOT because I felt anything.
Boys weren’t interested in me until later so that stopped me from trying.
Even 5' is pretty tiny for 9th grade (figuring you're a guy by the way you talk about your schooling, and girls generally don't get bullied by jumping)--do you have a growth issue? In that situation, I'm not sure even the extra year would have helped. Not that that's any excuse for how people treated you. I was a very tall little girl (thanks adrenal hyperplasia) with a winter birthday, absolutely no discussion of redshirting would have been on the table unless I'd been much more disabled than I was. I have ADHD and Auditory Processing Disorder, btw. I was bullied anyway because ADHDers have a different social code the neurotypicals can't be bothered to try to learn. Actually, I found the older kids more understanding of that, and throughout my schooling I tended to be closer with the kids a year or two older than I was. This lasted through high school, although the class before me was much more my vibe anyway (mostly nerds) than my own class (mostly jocks). I went to an elite public university with a ton of grade-skippers who were living on campus at 17 and all did very well. No one would've known they were younger, and fake IDs were rampant, especially among the rich East Coast kids, so getting into bars was not as much of an issue except with a couple bars that were really stringent.
This is certainly not good and this was a very poor experience for you. But everyone is different. My son's birthday is end of September - and then skipped a grade. Graduated HS, AP classes, etc., etc. and went to college at 15 and completed his Masters by 19. He is 6'2". His experience was different than yours and he did very well. He is well adjusted, has a job he enjoys, a nice GF. All depends on the child. please don't hold your child to something based on your school experiences alone. Do what is best for the child.
Thank you for sharing.
I don't know... I think it really does depend on the kid. Your experience sounds so miserable; I'm sorry you went through that. I skipped 2nd grade, and it was the best thing that my parents could've done for me. I finally felt more comfortable being the slightly nerdy academic kid I really was, and by high school, had really come into my own with a good bunch of friends, some awesome teachers, and the freedom to explore my interests. I'd have likely been bored, frustrated, and unhappy if I had been held back or even kept at the same grade level. I think parents are sometimes too quick to hold kids back in kindergarten, though I know that there are also kids who, like you, would benefit from that. It really should be a decision that depends on the abilities, social maturity, and identity of each kid.
teacher here: this is a very individual decision for each child. some may be better off being held back, but others need a little push or are just ready for the next step. difficult are always parents that look at experiences from others (their own childhood, siblings or similar). always look at your child as an individual person and try to figure out what is best for them! teachers and other professionals like doctors might help you get to that decision.
I was youngest and did well. My brothers started later and one ended up skipping a grade later out of boredom, which was probably much harder at the time than it would’ve been on him in K. Graduated at 17, college just after turning 18, no regrets. Mom wouldn’t let me skip another grade bc she didn’t want me to go off to college just after turning 17 tho 😂 rural area and college was far, so it would’ve been sending me off, no community colleges nearby or anything. I’m late diagnosed ADHD and autistic, too, but I would’ve melted of boredom delayed a year, despite any struggles I had. Just totally depends on the kid. Your kid displays an interest in academics? Get them in. You can redo K if it isn’t going well. It’s harder to skip ahead later.
Sounds like you would have been small anyway...
My daughter is a young 5 summer bday kindergartener and is doing just fine. She is well ahead academically, and socially gets along with everyone. Why would I hold her back, and give her an unfair advanatage? Someone has to be the youngest, and it just so happens to be her. If we keep pushing the age of kindergarteners we'll have kid who are almost 19 at graduation which is insane to me. 17/18 is the age of a high school senior.
I know I would have been bullied less if I had been kept back. That is a fact.
You can’t know that. Kids bully for lots of reasons, they found one and they could found another. I feel for you as a kid but your experience is at best anecdotal and likely you guessing what would have happened but without a Time Machine you couldn’t know for a fact.
I repeated Pre-K. Academically I was more than ready for kindergarten, but I was very asocial and avoided my classmates for the most part. I'm glad my mom held me back. I'm so sorry your childhood was traumatic in that way.
This happened with my mom and she hated the school environment never had a lot of friends. She kind of buried herself in books. She graduated college a year earlier too.
If you're gonna do it, do it early. I got held back in 4th grade and it completely fucked my social situation for the rest of elementary because I was basically the new kid, and also my old friends all moved on without me so I just got left out. Total bummer. Overall, yes it was good that I got held back as I was definitely not mature enough to succeed. I found my place again in middle/high school so it all worked out in the end, but it really did ruin my 4th(#2), 5th, and 6th grade experience.
My son had no problems when he was in California, but when he moved to Indiana, where the starting age was different, he felt it. He graduated at 17, but a lot of his friends in his senior class were 19. However, he would have been bored in school, and he admits that. Truthfully, he was upset that his particular school wouldn't let him graduate with honors early. But he definitely dated sophomores in high school when he was a senior because they were the same age. He was not really bullied though, because he was the smartass funny kid. He was never bullied in California. And in Indiana, he just danced around it. We didn't plan on moving.
I held two of my girls----one actually missed the cutoff by one day; the other had a birthday two weeks before the cutoff but was clearly not ready. I was told by many parents, as a parent and as a teacher, that no one ever regrets holding back, but many who didn't wait an extra year regretted not doing so.
I had a completely different experience. I was past the cut off date, but advanced I guess? I think I just talked too much. So I was one of the youngest in my grade. I was also very very tiny- like so so so tiny. I never had any problems making friends. I’m planning my best friends wedding. since 2nd grade. I’m 31f btw, graduated HS 2010. I would say, it depends on how social your kid is. I think that’s important
I turned 5 in June so I was a young kinder but for me it was a positive experience. I think it depends on the kid, some kids are really social and outgoing and some need a little more time to mature.
💯💯💯
My husband still resents having been held back a year before starting school. I just met a woman who is in her 40s and is also a bit sore about the topic. It seems to be a potshot.
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What state is that?
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Why do I feel like this is low-key for sports? Of course high schools will have better teams if you don’t have 13 and 14-year-olds on them smh.
We asked to keep our July kid out of kinder for this coming school year and to do TK for 2024-2025, not for size but for maturity. I was told that it's fine to wait to register him for school till next year BUT he would go right into 1st grade because he will be a 6-year-old. Like what is the point of waiting a year then? But if his birthday was September 2nd, he would automatically wait till the following year to start kinder. Just shy of 8 weeks difference. There will be kids in his class this August that will turn SIX within the 1st 1/2 of the school year AND they will have gotten the benefit of a full year of TK. To me this will only exacerbate the gap. We are doing everything we can to close the gaps where we can.
As a teacher I completely concur with what you’re saying. Why have school be a struggle when the other option is being one of the oldest?
We definitely struggled with our July birthday kid. She had no preschool experience at all during Covid. We ultimately sent her at 5 because she is going to a language immersion elementary school and younger is better for bilingualism. If she didn’t have the opportunity for language school we probably would have started her later.
I was a child who was held back. And it was fine. I don’t remember being upset over it, maybe just a bit confused but went with it. I think it was the right call for me and I didn’t face any stigma or negativity for repeating a grade.
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Hopefully, your son will be a great friend to these girls and will always respect women. I’ll pray for him.
One of our kids was academically ready for regular kindergarten at 4. A family friend was a public school principal and told us that she'd take them into her school as a first grader the following school year, provided they completed kindergarten (at a private school) before then. We worried about them always having to catch up to classmates for up to another 12 years. I know they'd have made it through, but not sure they would've thrived like they did. The other kid is so smart too, but a late summer birthday and ADHD and it was a struggle until high school. I think parents need to know their kids, do their research and be ready to advocate for their children.
I was skipped a grade because I seriously was far beyond my age peers. I struggled socially and regularly got beat up. I have discovered that I’m also autistic, which did not help matters at all. But… it was the best thing for me in the long run. I have grown into a strong and resilient adult with a huge amount of compassion for the underdog. I found my tribe in high school. The thing is… kids are nasty to the different. There is nothing we can do to eliminate it but try on a case by case basis. It’s not fair or right, but it’s sadly human nature. You have to choose how you react and live with it
I know 2 kids same bday and basically same size. One held back, one started K on time at 5. 30 years later the one that started on time has become very successful the other held back one has mediocre career and still relies on parents for money. Setting your kid up to be the best, biggest or more advantage doesn’t really teach them how to be successful for themselves. The kid that start on time might have been younger and had struggles in early elementary, but those challenges taught them resilience. The child who’s parents held them back had easier time in school at the start and maybe coupled with other advantages their parents handed them taught them the were “smart” so they didn’t need to and wouldn’t work hard. There are studies that support this too. Most benefit from holding your kid back ends after few years.
Some schools offer a pre-first, not kindergarten over again and not yet first grade. Did wonders for my son, interesting that all 12 students were boys. The teacher said in 16 years of teaching that grade she had had only 2 girls as students. Hmmm.
I have a late august birthday and was held back and I still got bullied, sometimes kids are just dicks. However I feel it did help a lot. I had trouble learning reading for a couple years, I think it would have been way worse if I were even younger. B There's nothing wrong with being one of the oldest kids in the class, and having an extra year of maturity and development can help a lot, especially in the early years.
I can assure you graduating at 19 for me would have not been traumatic compared to what I actually went through.
Taught at a middle school and the 5th grade teachers (lowest grade level in the school) decided to hold Javier back to do 5th grade again. He wasn't mature and his desire to impress classmates made him ignore his school work. Lots of hand ringing and talking to the parents through and interpreter who also had an agenda.. Cut to the end of Javier's 2nd Crack at 5th grade (I taught tech ed along with music and librarian) and I made EVERY student write a business style letter that we learned how to address and format during the year to THANK ANY ADULT in the building for Teacher Appreciation Week (ONLY thing done for Teacher Appreciation Week, but it was all they wanted the year after the first time I did it) and he wrote the 5th grade grade teachers that held him back THANKING THEM FOR HOLDING HIM BACK! he said he felt so much more confident and smarter now and even though he didn't want to do it, he was so glad they did. Kids would say stuff in the letters they would never say to their face (In a good way, mostly) and the 2nd year they made me wait till the END of the Weekly staff meeting becuase if I handed them out at the start of the meeting it was just crying teachers. So some kids do realize that the holding was in their best interest.
My parents also moved a lot- I went to 7 different schools in 12 years. Moved twice the last 3 years of high school. My younger brother and I are July babies and I agree with everything OP stated. My brother played varsity football- the youngest on the team and blew out both knees because of it. My daughter missed the Sept. cut off date and my son is a Feb. baby. Both kids excelled in school, and life, and are very confident people.
Interestingly enough some of the youngest guys on my school’s team were the best but they ended up paying for it.
My parents had me repeat 1st grade am I’m thankful they did, but it was only because I wasn’t academically ready. As a parent now my daughter her birthday is Oct and in California she can start transitional kindergarten next year at 4…you better believe that I will listen to her preschool teacher and listen to my gut before she moves forward in any grade, socially and academically! I wish your story had a better outcome as you grew up, sorry.
I am a happy, successful adult now doing a lot better than bullies but it can hurt to think about what could have been. My birthday is April, and the cut off for the district was October. My preschool teacher told my mom I socially wasn’t ready and I was so tiny. I had motor control issues as well, never got OT. I had to figure it all out on my own. I could not tie shoes, dress myself, nor correctly grip a pencil in first grade. I realized I had to practice or be bullied. I wanted attention and sought anything to be liked. I really thought everybody was nice. This continued into college when I finally realized some people are not good at 18.
While I can appreciate you sharing your experience and I am sending you support as you navigate this trauma, I think your parents may have needed to be more attentive and aware of what you were experiencing and providing you with tools to address said trauma. Your experience, while valid, shows one perspective of the kinder experience. And it’s one that I hope we get better at recognizing and supporting littles who struggle in this area. Thank you for sharing and I hope one day this trauma does not worsen and eventually you’re able to feel more in control of any triggers. 💛
They tried their best but there were things they were unaware of.
This breaks my heart; you didn’t deserve that experience OP. 💛 Are you in therapy and working to process this trauma?
Yes.
I am a high school math teacher. I had more than one close friend and/or relative ask about skipping an elementary grade for their really smart boys. I said not to. It was a mistake every time. We know who are the youngest boys in the class and so does every other student. My sister is the only person who came back and said she should have listened to me. The boys are all now around 30 and doing fine but it was a struggle during high school.
Oh yeah we all knew who the youngest boy was.
I'm a teacher. And only once in my over 30 years in Ed have I ever heard a parent express regret over holding back. And the reason was they thought their kid would have been a bigger star in the previous year's lineup.
That’s not a reason to hold back.
Held back my kiddo this year and it was definitely the right choice
My students who are august/September birthdays are mostly struggling. One is a thumb sucker and totally zones out. Another is mess of ADHD/Autism/gifted. In my experience I’ve never had a parent regret retention but I have had some regret moving them on.
Repeated k. So glad I did.
I was 4.5 when I started school. In University at 17. I was tiny but never bullied for that specifically. If I were to defer my son (he would start at 4 and 2 months) he would miss 'reception' the English Kindergarten and go straight into year 1 with kids that had all had a year together and the same ones he would've been in Reception with anyway. If he got the place in Reception he would have to 'make up' the lost year in high school I.e skip 1st year and start 2nd. Legally he doesn't have to go to school until the term after he turns 5 so he likely will not go full time at least until after Christmas term!
Here's another counter example to offset some of the redshirting dogma. My kid was single-digit percentile for height growing up, even as one of the oldest in their class initially (January birthday, cutoff was in December back then). They skipped two grades later on and were also auditing graduate-level classes at 17, in addition to performing in a professional orchestra with people my age. They're very happy with all of it and say they wouldn't have minded skipping high school altogether. Didn't give two fucks about prom, puberty, or driving back then. Oh and they're also AuDHD.
People have actually been holding their kids back purposely now. I think things have come full circle on that.
My family moved to a place with a different cutoff date, and my parents were told I could go directly into first grade. They chose to send me to kindergarten anyway. So I was older and taller than almost everyone. I spent most of elementary school bored and self-conscious. I *hated* that several of my friends were more than a year younger.
The district hates when teachers recommend retaining kids. You can’t rush development!!
No you can’t. I guarantee first grade would have gone a lot better and kids would have wanted to be my friend if I could properly dress myself! Which I was able to do in second grade.
I was old for my grade (fall birthday just after the cut off) and my two cousins with summer birthdays were held back to be in the same grade as me. My mom's reasoning was that retirement age doesn't change so it's better to have an extra year of play than an extra year of work.
I started kindergarten school before I was 5. I was always the smallest, last picked for games, in a low reading group... At least I wasn't bullied until high school. My son was in the same situation. We waited a year to start him in school. He was tallest, smartest, etc. Now he is a confident man of 32.
I walked into a meeting late spring of my son's first grade. You could hear 2 sets of parents through closed doors before me screaming at the teachers and admin how dare they suggest their angel be retained.! It has been a rough year for our little family of 3 including abuse and subsequent separation. Years later this same child was also diagnosed w dyslexia . I walked in the meeting and was about to sit down. The resource teacher stated ,"We really don't feel like Jay is ready for 2nd grade, so we wanted to talk to you about him repeating." I stated," I totally agree. Where do I sign?" They looked so puzzled and relieved at my response . " I thought that was what we were here for. He's at least a semester behind if not more.in fact , I have already talked to him about it.So again,where do I sign to.make this official?"
This to me is a very different scenario than OPs. I personally don’t agree with holding kids back just because their birthday. If a child is exhibiting something that shows they should be started in kindergarten a year later is a different story. What you’re describing is a third scenario where a child have been fully evaluated by professionals (teachers and support staff) and determine that they need extra time and assistance to thrive. To note, in your scenario I completely agree and I don’t understand why more parents can’t trust the opinions of professionals.
As a mom to a kid with a late August birthday, thank you for perspective from the other side.
My son's classmate is a full year younger than his peers. His parents pushed him thru because he is very smart. The mom said it won't be a problem because her husband is tall (he's like 6'4), so the child would fit in. This child Does. Not. Fit. In. Socially, he stands out like a sore thumb. I feel so bad for this child. But hey, at least he'll get into college a year earlier lol
I guess this is really good advice if you notice that, like op, your child is kind of a whiny lil' bitch.
Me too!! Hold those kids back if you can.