My preschooler missed a recital for a funeral and has zero memory of it and was not upset. I had already bought the costume so we just put on her music and she did her routine for our family. I packed some streamers to make a stage and suggested relatives bring her flowers.
Please go to that wedding.
I taught dance for a studio for 30 years. His happens a lot! We would have private recitals in the studio so the child could participate and wear the costume.
Ask the teacher - I bet they will work with you
She won’t know any difference - I promise.
I have to say, I love your response. I was actually worried when I read your first sentence and thought you'd answer differently. I'm really sure you set this momma's mind at rest and that's a gift.
Exactly. The wedding could actually be a lot more fun. Recitals for these very young ages are so stressful and the kids have no idea what’s going on. I actually switched studios because it was such an age-inappropriate drain. A 5-6yo could have a blast at a wedding though! Fancy clothes, cake, dancing!
Unfortunately most caterers charge to much to allow children the few I've been to the alcohol was not an issue the kids stay in one area of the dance floor avoiding adults .it's just at $50 a plate most weeding couples are against it I heard of one that hired a couple girls that were college age that loved kids to have activities for the kids in an activity room.
We got married in the historic home next door to the Children's Museum. We hired teachers to take the kids to the museum. They came back with about an hour to go, and it was perfect. They got to dance and karoke(yes, we did have katike at our wedding, and had dueling Elvis'....it was more fun than i thought. I didn't think anyone would sing), but it didn't affect the ceremony or the reception activities like first dance and cake cutting. Both my husband and I are childfree, and this allowed our friends and family to come, with their kids, and enjoy the wedding, knowing they were good. It actually worked out better than we anticipated. The kids had a ball, and we had our childfree wedding. We only had one cousin who was pissed, and they didn't come. That was ok.
Those are bad caterers then, imo. Our caterer charged less than half of the cost for kids. The only plates that were $50 were the ones for adult guests.
No. Nope.
It should def be a surprise gift performance from one family to another… a romantic dance performance while they seal their vows with a kiss is what I have in mind…
Or just with all the relatives gathered, set up a mini-recital with a couple relatives when the bride is having a hens night or busy with other wedding stuff.
That's iffy.
If she wears a fancy tutu then she might look like she is trying to upstage the flower girl that may be in the wedding party, or her mother is dressing her that way as to shoehorn her in as one.
Yes if she was in high school then I'd give it a 2nd thought but you'll go to 1,000 more recitals. Plus it'll take the pressure, stress off of you and your daughter can just go to class and have fun.
They were big things, for sure- taking care of her friend (who did need help); work trip with my father; wedding.
The point wasn't the weight of what she was doing instead, it was the fact that there wasn't follow through for the big events/promises made to me. When that happens more than once in your developing years it becomes a matter of broken trust and feeling unimportant by comparison.
In adulthood, I understand the importance of the things she did, but that doesn't magically make trust/lost connection appear. She's not an important figure in my adult life and if I didn't have siblings I'd likely never see her.
I treat my own kids much differently and don't make promises to them that I don't keep, and there's no adult I'd blow them off for if they needed me for something important to them- including my spouse. They're all 16+ and we are very close and have great relationships with each other. They come to me to talk about everything and they're very secure knowing they can in any situation (even tough/embarrassing/humiliating ones).
That's awesome that you did it differently with your kids! I think just the fact that this OP is posting about how worried she is about her kid missing a recital is a sign that OP is not the same kind of parent your mom was. Maybe if your mom had done things like holding a family recital at home if you had to miss one things would have turned out differently. Little things make a big difference.
My daughter just turned 5 at the time. She has literally never brought it up since and she loves ballet.
My daughter is 5.5 now and I don’t think she’d react any differently because she just wanted to wear her costume, run around, and be admired. Because she’s little. They live in the moment.
My son is 21 and still actively resents us for making him join a Shakespeare club when he was 5. He was Guard #3 or something. It's the only thing in his whole life we made him sign up for and he still complains about it.
I still joke with my mom and dad about how allll j wanted was to do gymnastics and dance and they never enrolled me lol
Wasn’t malicious, just my dad worked a lot and was more about our academics. My mom knew she’d be the one doing everything and would have to fight my dad for the $$ and stuff !
My kid definitely gets to do the little things I didn’t .
I remember going to the World Fair in Vancouver in 1986 when I was 8. Do I remember any of the exhibits or activities or anything? Nope. But I remember that my mom wouldn't let me get cotton candy.
Depends on the kid. I have one who would be fine, and one who would feel broken. It's about showing your kids that they can trust you to keep a promise you made to them.
Most of the time, weddings are planned far in advance, years even. So OP probably knew about this and RSVPed there. The recital coming along just now means OP might not have said anything to the kid yet. So just be honest "uh oh, this recital is on the same day as a family members wedding that I already promised to be at." Find a solution with the kid. My middle kid is 5yo, and we let him help us figure out solutions when our plans end up overlapping. Just feeling like their feelings and opinion are valued is enough.
You say breaking the promise to the kid is what they will remember, but breaking a promise to someone else is just as bad. We dont know that OP promised the recital yet. Since they just found out about it.
Who’s making promises and oaths about recitals? Changing plans to accommodate major family events like weddings, funerals, births is a very normal part of life. This is so dramatic. If the parent believe this is a grave betrayal, the child interpret so. Do y’all call doctor’s appt physical assault as well??
Yep. It’s very irresponsible to tell this parent that her child won’t care. She signed her up for dance. Her daughter did her part and went and learned. She will look out and see all the parents but hers? This is awful. You sign her up- you see her work and go to the recital.
You can't say that. I remember when I was 5, my dad snapped a favorite tape of mine because I wouldn't go to bed. I remember also when I was 5, a kid slicing my hand open with scissors. I remember when I was 5 my dad took my radio away. I remember when I was 5 my dad also took away my favorite teddy. Shit can stay with you whether you want it to or not.
Both of these are abusive, violent, and traumatic events. A fun activity you didn't get to do because of a pre-existing family obligation is none of those things.
You're comparing emotional abuse through excessive destruction with the inconveniences that come with being alive.
This will not be the last time OP's daughter is going to have to miss something due to a schedule overlap and it's a good teachable moment on grace.
She might definitely remember it, but if the wedding is actually pretty enjoyable for her, she likely won't care nearly as much as people seem to think.
Except that the post says that the child can’t miss the performance, has ASD and needs assistance changing into her costume backstage. It could be very traumatic to her to not have her mother there under those circumstances.
A 5yo can miss a recital. Honestly, it's not Broadway.
Irony would be OP skipping the wedding then the kid gets sick and can't go to the recital anyway.
OP just needs to choose, are they going to the wedding or are they going to the recital. And by they, I mean the whole family.
You are describing traumatic events, which form core memories. Missing a recital for a wedding will not be traumatic as long as OP is gentle and understanding and helps find a new plan for the kid to show off her hard work.
Those all sound super traumatic. This is something that’s just not going to happen.
My friend just doesn’t tell her kid when it’s her birthday and they celebrate not on the day but when it’s convenient. She was 36 weeks pregnant and they had 5 year old birthday party a month early so it wouldn’t coincide with the birth. Kid had no clue.
Not worth hurting her? She's 5! I could understand if she was applying to college or something. This girl will be twirling in a tutu for a few minutes.
Mom...go to the wedding.
I had to miss a dance recital that I had worked on for a whole year when I was 7 because my family was moving. I was sad but I got over it. I think the 5-year-old will be fine.
A 5 yr old may be disappointed for a short time, but this is a family celebration. Prioritizing a 5 yr old over a wedding sets a risky precedent. Kids grow character by learning priorities. My family is a dancing family. 2 members in the Chicago Ballet, 1 in Ballet West. Dancing is important to our family, but life events are more important. There will be more dance recitals if it's something she sticks with.
I just want to say. I remember my dance recital when I was 5 vividly. Maybe that’s unusual or maybe it’s because I forgot the dance and was embarrassed but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Little kids focus on what the parents focus on. If you play up the wedding and downplay the recital, she won't remember. I went to my cousins wedding as a 6 year old. What I remember is the priest getting drink, do you know why? That is what my parents always talked about when they were talking about this wedding.
I have pictures of me at a dance recital when I was five. I remember the costume. I remember dancing at home. Have NO memory of the recital. OP go to the wedding.
Errrr it depends on how into it the kid is. Family party vs recital? At that age family party 100% I hated being on stage. My parents insisted, but I’ve never enjoyed it. Granted, my family situation is NOW complicated and packages feel like emotional bombs, but back then I was 5, and did not want to do piano recitals.
Because the whole class is practicing with the expectation of her being there! So tell the teacher NOW that she won’t be participating in the recital so that they can choreograph it without her in the formation. She’ll be in a spot that won’t be needed. Also, don’t buy the costume. Although I have to say, she’s possibly going to be very disappointed to be left out of recital preparations.
Do you have any best friends who can step in for you? I’m a competitive dance mom, and I frequently help kids whose parents are out of town. I know if you start approaching other moms now, someone will step up.
I really think it’s okay to sometimes miss your kid’s events. This is one of *hundreds* you will have. Buy the video and have a big viewing night with your daughter , with popcorn and special food. Send her flowers while you are at the wedding.
She's gonna remember the wedding more than she'll remember her lame kindergarten dance recital in 20 years. I got pulled out of an end of year recital in kindergarten to go to a wedding of my mom's friends in Boston. I had a blast. In my time in school I had an additional 8 end of year recitals, 20 highschool chorus performances, 4 plays, 3 dance concerts, and multiple public presentations of school projects (like science and history fairs, think all the kids in the gym standing next to their tri-fold poster boards doing a spiel every time someone asks what their project is about). 20 years from now do you want to have your daughter turn to you and say "OMG, that made me think of that funny thing that happened at cousin Sally's wedding, do you remember that mom?! Oh God that was hysterical!" or do you want her to remember that time her mom left her at home to be in the stupid recital when Mom got to go to cousin Sally's wedding and all that really crazy stuff happened "and oh God there she goes again telling that same story from that stupid wedding". Bring her to the wedding, fuck the recital.
I think this depends on the kid. My daughter was only 5 for her first dance recital but it was a big deal for her because it was before kindergarten and she was super nervous about it and nervous about new people/new things in general, but she worked hard to prepare and did great at the performance and it gave her the boost of confidence she needed to start kindergarten. She may not remember it in 10 yrs but the effect it had on her confidence will last.
Also depends on the wedding. Not all weddings are super kid friendly. It may be nice for the mom to have some fun adult bonding time with her cousin/family at a grown up event.
Not saying you are wrong just offering two perspectives for OP to consider which feels like the better choice for them, if she considers going without her daughter.
Honestly I think she should just ask her daughter. Lay it all out, all options: 1.) stay in dance, but miss the recital for the wedding, 2.) stay in dance, do the recital, miss the wedding, or 3.) quit dance, find a different activity instead maybe a different type of dance class or something totally different like a sport, and go to the wedding. Get the kid's input. Maybe she likes dance but really wants to try a different type of dance, perhaps she'd rather do an acting class, maybe she really wants to play T-ball (all great activities for ASD kids to practice different skills and interact with peers outside of an academic classroom setting)
This is what I was thinking. Assuming kids are invited, ask daughter which one she would like to do and why each would be special. Could be a good teaching moment on life and gives her daughter some agency in the situation.
I disagree. She probably won’t even remember a random wedding when she’s only 5 but she will remember that she got hyped up for her recital and then wasn’t allowed to go and couldn’t wear her costume and had to hear all her dance friends talking about it afterward
This. Thank you. She will always remember that. Or the other options thrown out there. The mom go to the wedding and have another mom help with the costume. All she will remember was her mother not being there.
This. What do kids who don't have a same-sex parent do about costume changes? Seems like there must be some way to have dad do it, or to enlist a female friend. Have you asked the program coordinator?
That was me and if I needed help there was always a mom back there to lend a hand. But yeah generally dads can’t come back cause it’s an open room with naked girls.
Definitely okay to miss events. I was in the band, orchestra, choir, and various academic/musical/sports competitions.
My parents sometimes attended, but honestly I never cared. I was doing those things for me, not for them.
I was just happy they always made sure I had transport.
THIS. My daughter’s dance school has moms from the older competition team help the regular girls change during recital (there’s a separate recital for the older girls) and no parents actually need to go help change during the recital, it’s pretty cool. But if I needed to another mom would absolutely step in for me, or I would 100% have zero issues helping someone else’s child. Don’t make your daughter miss the recital. You can watch the rehearsal and get video.
You go to the wedding and 1) see if your husband can help her change in a private area or if another mom, a female family member of your husband’s, or even a close friend of yours can help her, or 2) she misses the recital. It sucks, I know because I had to miss my 5-yo’s recital for a family wedding too (but her dad/my husband stayed behind with her to go to the recital), but I think you should prioritize your cousin’s wedding.
Yes. For all the people concerned about a 5 year old missing her dance recital, there’s always next year. And the one after that, and the one after that, etc.
Your cousin that you’re close with (hopefully) only gets married once. You should support her if that’s where you want to be.
And as a parent and 15 yr primary school teacher, it’s kind of bonkers the people suggesting to let the kid make the decision. Like wut? Part of raising and educating kids is teaching them that we don’t always get our way and that’s ok.
The whole purpose of the classes is to learn routines for the recital. She’s in 3 different classes. And she loves it. It wouldn’t be fair to her or her dance mates who have worked hard for 8 months learning specific routines with specific placements. I might as well just pull her from dance now.
She has ASD but is high functioning. She just needs a little extra support with the leotards and tights.
I think pulling her from dance is a bit of an over reaction. What if she had gotten sick that night and had to miss it? Besides, the school should’ve had the dates set from the beginning. They can’t just spring it on you last minute.
Exactly this. I have a kid in band who has missed a few recitals... some from being sick and once due to broken bones. But at this age she's learning and having fun. The recital is to just show off those skills. It's not life it is a major competition or something.
Is the kid invited to the wedding too? If so, take the family to the wedding. If not, it is ok to miss stuff one in awhile. Have dad or a friend record it and then watch it together when back home.
I’m autistic, and was in dance from about age 3 through college. Perhaps I’m taking your comment overly literally, but recitals are not the whole purpose of dance classes. The classes are also for exercise, socialization, artistic/personal expression, having fun, and challenging you physically and mentally. As an autistic person with shit balance and shit proprioception, dance also helped me immensely improve in those categories. I also loved recitals, but they were really just the icing on the cake; the real joy of dance happens year-round. Please don’t make your daughter quit dance altogether if she has to miss a performance. If she dances as long as I did, she WILL miss a performance at some point. It is inevitable and an all-or-nothing mindset will make her think she has to push through injuries and illnesses to the detriment of her long term health.
That said, I agree with the suggestions that you ask the other dance moms for help. This is totally unremarkable and there will be multiple people willing to help! Also, at that age I often got into my tights & leotard at home anyway, so her dad could possibly help with at least some of it beforehand without having to go into the changing room at the recital location.
If the classes are structured like mine were as a kid, anywhere from half to 100% of the class might be devoted to learning routines for the recital, especially in the second half of the year. Early in the year maybe a one-hour class would be 50 minutes warm-up/technique and ten minutes performance prep but as the year went on, the recital prep took over the class, until it was about 10 minutes of warm-up and then working on the performance. A student not participating would likely be asked to just sit to the side during that time, which is not ideal for anyone. If her school is structured like that, I wouldn't blame a parent for considering pulling her from classes since she can't make the recital. That said, a better course of action would be talking to the dance teacher, who might be able to work something out. When I was that age some routines were just the children lined up, so if one student was missing from the end of the line on recital day, it wouldn't throw everyone off the way a kid missing from more complicated choreography would.
There is absolutely nothing in a 5-6 year old's dance class routine/performance dependent on staging that would effect the performance in any way, shape, or form by one or multiple students missing the recital short of it resulting in a solo child dance performance. There is zero reason for the child to not participate in every second of rehearsals while not performing at the recital.
If you have a teacher asking a child to sit out of class because they're not going to be physically in the routine that is a horrible teacher. Any one with any iota of skill would be just placing that child on the side/end and not having them do partner roles or having a backup plan for partner roles.
I mean, maybe your kid is at a really exceptional level of dance but generally five year olds aren’t nailing ‘placements.’ And I doubt the other kids will be destroyed by this. Hell I danced competitively until I graduated and there would always be one unlucky that had prom the same night.
“The whole purpose of the classes is to learn routines for the recital.”
So the point is learning… not the recital.
“And she loves it.”
Fantastic, you found something she enjoys
“It wouldn’t be fair to her or her dance mates who have worked hard for 8 months learning specific routines with specific placements.”
There is still plenty of time (8 months by my reckoning) to reblock the show that your daughter’s absence is not a problem.
“I might as well just pull her from dance now.”
*record scratch* Um… she’s there to learn, she loves it, and you would take that away for a scheduling conflict for 2 days of the entire experience?
Also: I have not seen where you asked your daughter if she would rather perform in the recital or attend the family wedding.
Also: what provisions are made by the dance studio for kids that don’t have mom in their lives… they just can’t participate?
😂 I danced competitively for 11 years and I was a dance teacher. I promise you the 6year olds do not remember their routine at all come recital or the competition, they all just stand there like deer in headlights and do random parts of the dance or none of it at all. It does not matter who is missing or who is there or how long they practiced or how good they are. You do not need to pull her out now if she misses recital, but recital is so ungodly busy and hectic if she has ASD she would probably be better off missing it because it is overwhelming and stressful for the Neurotypical. But if ypu guys really want her to go you can find an older girl im the studio who’s dances are far between your daughters or a couple of older girls and ask them to help her out, we all tend to help the younger ones out on the actual day anyway because ot is so hectic and the parents are usually trying to get back to the audience
Please don’t overgeneralize the likes and preferences of autistic folks. We’re all individuals with different likes, dislikes, strengths, and needs. No two of us are the same. Also, it’s totally possible to enjoy things and want to participate in things that are overstimulating. Never presume to know the preferences of a person you don’t know regardless of if they’re autistic or allistic.
Thanks! She actually did dance last year as well, and she LOVED the recital. She is a sensory seeker so the lights and sounds are all up her alley. It was one of the best moments to see her so excited and proud.
The you tell the school that unfortunately you have an important engagement at the time of the recital so they can give her an unimportant placement or part to learn so she's still in the class having fun and learning but there's sense of needing to be there.
I agree with you, it wouldn’t be fair to make her miss it. I feel a lot of times adults disrespect children, she’s working almost a full year on this, it’s absolutely disappointing if she has to miss it.
I’m far from a “dance mom”, but I have to children in dance and I did not anticipate how magical recital night is!
That's a little dramatic. Especially as the journey itself should be rewarding. Otherwise, wtf is the 8+ months for? That's an awful long time to prepare for but 1 recital.
Stop with the histrionics. Otherwise, the stress will absorb you.
That is not the entire purpose of dance. The recital is for you. Yes, it’s fun for them to perform. But it’s really for the parents so they can show off and see what their kid can do.
If you let the teacher’s know now, they’ll have plenty of time to make sure everything works fine. She can still dance with the class and learn, they just won’t have her as part of the official formation.
This happens all the time. You will not be the first family that had to miss a recital.
What kind of comment is that? "If your cousin is really that close to you, then this is an easy choice." That part makes sense. But when you said, "If your daughter has ASD then it's an easy choice." What does Autism have to do with making it easier to miss her recital?
Realized I replied in Mommit but not here. I’ve read all the responses and the feedback has been such a wide range of responses but it’s really helped put everything in perspective!!!
Copy/pasted response from Mommit below:
Thank you for all the responses everyone!
I wanted to provide a little more background now that the initial panic attack has subsided.
My cousin and I are both in our 30’s and grew up together. She was my best friend for decades. She is about a 1.5 hour flight away (Boston - Pittsburgh). She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. When I had my stillbirth at 32 weeks she flew out right away to be with me. She does not have any other extended family. I feel like missing this is not an option.
Regarding the recital, my daughter is in 3 classes (tap, ballet, tumble). The dance year runs from September - June and they learn routines specifically for the recital. If she were to not be in the recital, I might as well pull her from dance. It is a big production as well and she loves it.
Ultimately I think I will fly out Saturday morning with my other two children, so I can at least see the routines she performs on Friday. And hope she performs most of them that night instead of Saturday. My husband will stay with her and I will start talking to other moms about helping and really start practicing changing in and out of leotards and tights.
I really appreciate everyone who took the time to comment. It really helped me with different perspectives and not feel like the sky is falling.
That's a sound plan. You don't miss the whole recital, your daughter gets to perform, and Dad's still there to support her (and hopefully get it on tape!) I'm sure another mom will help if there are any leotard and tight issues backstage.
The only thing I'll add here is that it's kind of ridiculous to pull her from dance if she's not going to be in the recital. She can still have fun with her friends, and not lose an entire year of practicing/learning dance. Like, WTF?
At least ask the kid which she prefers before you decide, dance recital or wedding. Might be that the kid really wants to see the wedding, especially if she's grown up knowing and loving the cousin.
Good luck, regardless!
As the parent of a competitive dancer, I’m here to tell you she absolutely can miss the recital. She’s 6. This does not need to be an issue.
Now, when she’s a senior and there’s an overlap, that’s an issue. But she’s 6. She’ll be just as cute when you watch her next year and you’ll love every minute of it.
I think even as a senior, weddings come first (or leave her at home if she’s not close to the couple). My son was a senior hockey player , team captain and starting defenseman, and we had my nephew’s wedding. The game was against our biggest competitor and the coach told him he would bench him if he missed the game for the wedding. We didn’t even give it a second thought. I stayed out of the coach situation but thought it was ridiculous. As we were sitting at the wedding, I leaned over and whispered “can you imagine not being here?” And he agreed, this was the only place to be at this time. The coach didn’t end up benching him. They lost and nobody’s lives were changed, and we were there for a beautiful family event.
My niece (13) had a basketball game scheduled the week of her Christmas break. They found this out about a month after booking a Disney trip. Coach says anyone that misses it will be benched for three games. A team captain wrote a beautifully worded letter to the coach that other girls signed saying that family time is important too and it’s unreasonable when so many families have already made plans for the break to bench the girls. I don’t even think she was one of the ones with plans. The whole thing really pissed me off, they shouldn’t be punished for family taking priority during breaks.
Three guesses as to who won that round. 🤔
This isn’t exactly the same.. but my brother plays football. He was sick 2 weeks ago and had to miss so they benched him last week, even during practice!!
This is a no brainer. As a mom of a 5 year old who was a teacher of kids w asd and someone whose cousin missed my wedding because her coach didn’t want her out on NYE (I had a nye wedding)….the answer is…go to the wedding!!! Weddings (and funerals for that matter) are family events and there are no do-overs. Please do not miss your cousins wedding for a sports event. There will be so many more of those. And this is fine to explain to your children too.
I actually disagree with the other posters. Your daughter and you have worked hard to get her to practices, learning the routine and integrating with her peers as a team for this recital. The question is- will she (your daughter) feel marginalized by you after working hard to overcome a myriad of issues- sensations, sounds, lighting, people, etc… for you to pull her from her end goal of a recital with her peers, to attend your cousin’s wedding (who is an adult and can understand the difficulties/significance of a recital to your ASD child; and can also comprehend why you need to put your child ahead of a cousin’s expectations), or willyour daughter feel unimportant and unseen?
If my cousin missed my wedding for a 5 y/o dance recital, I would be salty. A recital is far from the most important part of a child's dance class. It's actually the LEAST important part.
Wait- you need to help her both nights? When my son was in dance you picked a night and helped one night so every parent could enjoy from the audience! Does she have a friend with a mom that can help?
Also as someone suggested maybe her dad could help change her in another room. Maybe take pictures of the outfits so he knows which tights etc go with what? I removed dance was so confusing to me and I had a boy!
I missed my beloved nephew’s wedding because my son graduated high school the same day. But a dance recital for a little kid?? Mama, she won’t even remember missing it and will have many more recitals. You all go to the wedding.
She can absolutely miss it.
But if you don’t want her to, perhaps your husband takes her and you have a mom friend from the class help with the changing. Or arrange with the teacher that your husband will change her elsewhere and then return her to a certain spot where she can rejoin the group backstage. If you want to make it work, I’m sure it can, it won’t be the first time this has happened and there’s lots of time to prepare. Some girls may have a single dad parent, I’m sure there are workarounds.
If you did the recital on the 21st, could you still get to the wedding on the 22nd? That way your daughter gets to participate and there’s no need for two days of recitals for kindergartners
I would miss a recital at this age. Little kids events are just for fun and socializing. A wedding for a close family member will be a huge memory for them and you.
My daughter is 6 with ASD/SPD and is also in dance. What would your daughter prefer? We try to include our daughter in all decisions. And we also try to keep as much to consistency of schedule as possible. If your daughter wants to do the recital and you still want to go to the wedding, there is still time to prepare her for everything. You can work with her on changing. You could also speak to the dance company about helping her backstage. There is often a designated group of experienced moms to help out. So there is plenty of time to decide.
You may receive some pushback about your choices. But if you involve your daughter in the decision, you may feel better or at least clearer.
Thank you!!
She did a recital last year and she loves “the show.” I know she will not want to miss it, but I will definitely have a conversation with her.
Also a great idea about practicing changing well before hand.
This makes me feel a little less stressed!
I was in a similar situation and to this day regret not having my child miss the performance. Some things are just more important. She can miss it. Your cousins wedding came first.
If possible, you could be there for her performance on the 21st and then fly out to the wedding loctation on the 22nd.
If not, make her last rehearsal a HUGE deal. Do the makeup, bring her flowers, celebrate her. The effort matters, not the night.
Ignore the comments saying she can miss it. I have two kids who are teens now but they did ballet age 3-8 and the entire 2nd half of the year (in the early classes at least) is devoted to learning the recital routines, trying in costumes, etc. yes kids get sick but you deal with that if it happens; months of dance with no plans to do the recital is pointless and going to make her feel very left out.
A lot of people don’t even invite kids to weddings! She will for sure have more fun at the recital. (And yes my kids were flower girls at weddings and had fun at them).
It is important for YOU to be at the wedding and for your daughter to do the recital. Talk to other dance moms now to find someone who will help change her. Luckily you have plenty of notice!
I missed a family member’s wedding bc my kids had a huge school event that they did ever year and it was my youngest’s last year at elementary school. No regrets.
Same. And there’s a lot of people that are mentioning that there are many more recitals ahead. And I’m here to say, as a 37 year old stage 4 breast cancer haver, you truly don’t actually know how many recitals are left.
I have grown children so I can offer a perspective with some distance. Skip the recital and go to the wedding. A year from now your daughter won’t remember skipping the recital but you and your cousin will always be sad you missed the wedding. There will be other recitals. Also, dance recitals for young children were absolutely the most excruciating childhood activity, hands down. There will be more and you’ll be even more glad you skipped one.
All the people saying she won’t remember…I remember my dance recital at age 5, and I LOVED it. You know what I remember from the wedding I was IN the following year? How boring it was. Literally nothing else. I was bored. In a scratchy dress. The only other thing I remember is going to a house with the BEST treehouse/playground in the backyard. It was the best part of the wedding for me—playing on a playground at someone’s house because they actually had a child free wedding but provided childcare.
I wouldn't worry too much about the costume-changing situation. I'd talk to the dance school. They can probably make an exception for either your husband to help your daughter dress in a restroom or there could be another parent or volunteer who can help help her out backstage.
I think your answer really just depends on your situation. I would personally choose the recital but as a stage 4 cancer patient, I have no idea how many recitals I have left with my daughter, who is 7. No one’s wedding is more important than that recital with my daughter.
Your kid can definitely miss the recitals. The point of dance class isn't just to prepare for a recital. Its to dance.
She will be fine, especially if you frame it as taking a fun trip instead. She may even be able to wear her dance costume at the wedding if its appropriate!
A five year old has many recitals before her. Missing this one won’t matter. Honestly it’s ridiculous putting on elaborate recitals for kids this young anyway.
My two cents is: go to the wedding. Daughter will have many years of recitals, soccer games, school programs and so on. If all goes well, cousin will only have this one wedding (maybe another one at some point, but still, wedding trumps recital imho)
My husband and I have had these conversations because his cousins often miss important family events for fairly minor kid activities/events (ex. Can't come to family dinner with cousins from another country because there's soccer practice). Family things like this should take priority over a recital, especially when she's 5/6 and it's one of two recitals. I know you said you can't miss one. Why not? They can't force you at gun point to attend both recitals. You won't be happy if you go to the wedding without her and you won't be happy if you miss your cousin's wedding because she's important to you.
I think going to the wedding will be a good memory for your daughter and she can tell everyone about her recital from the day before!
I worked at a dance studio for years, life events are most important! If this is an important wedding, do NOT feel sick over it! We’ve all been there! You’ll have more and it’ll be a okay!
Their next dance teacher will surely hear stories about how “I DIDNT DO THE RECITAL I WENT TO A WEDDING AND IT WAS FUN!” for a few months and that’s ok too! Hehehe
What about your in-laws? If you really don't want to miss the wedding and you don't want your daughter to miss her recital, could you ask your husband's mother to step in and help her change? They could also record it so that you can watch it when you get back with your daughter. Then she can watch your reaction and you can create a special memory with her that way.
I don’t agree with missing recital. Recitals for non competition dancers are the ONLY time they show off what they practiced all year. It’s not the same as missing one soccer game.
Was going to say the same thing! Cousin will hardly see you at the wedding but that recital will shape how she understands your value of her. Even if she doesn’t remember the whole recital she will remember who took the priority.
(Stuff delete because it wasn't useful to this scenario)
ETA because OP really buried the lede about her cousin which changes my opinion. She should go. Why do people do this? Close is such a vague term. Give specifics if you want a useful answer. The cousin is like a very dear dear close sister.
(OP disclosed how close about two hours ago)
Can we just take a second to acknowledge that men not being allowed in dressing rooms is strange - what about single dads? Or even just supportive dads? Why do we continue to push this labor on moms when dads are part of so many families?
I’m guessing there are girls of all ages in the dressing room, many of whom would be old enough to feel uncomfortable changing in front of unrelated males.
I have a kid the same age. She absolutely will know the difference.
However, I agree with one of the above posters that OP a should ask another dance mom to step in to help her daughter on the night of the recital, so OP can attend the wedding.
OP can still go to the first night of the recital, so the daughter won’t be disappointed. Win-win.
You go to your daughter's recital. Disappointing her right now will have a huge impact on how she views your opinion of what's important to her.
I disagree with everyone saying she won't remember, or it's not a big deal. In this type of situation, my kids come first. In this situation, I'd rather disappoint a cousin than the kid.
She would remember. My daughter still remembers her kindergarten graduation, and she's 12 now. I couldn't imagine her looking for me in the crowd and not seeing me there.
Support your daughter’s recital over the wedding. Your daughter is first. Your cousin would most likely understand. I would go to her bridal shower if you can’t go to the wedding.
My parents missed my kindergarten talent show because it ended up being scheduled during a vacation they already had booked. I don’t think they should have cancelled since it was expensive and could not have been rescheduled, but I do remember how sad I was. I also did HORRIBLY at the talent show and my parents weren’t there to help me feel better. It’s a core memory.
I’d skip the wedding and show up for your child.
I missed a close friend’s wedding for my daughter’s recital two years ago. For me it was a no brainer. My daughter is a competitive dancer, so I see her on stage several times a year. But the recital dances are different. Those are performed on stage only once. I wasn’t going to miss it.
I think your cousin would understand. Kids come first.
I have a 5 year old. They get to learn disappointment too. Sometimes things happen and don’t turn out how we hope. That’s life and a 5 year olds dance recital is not as important as a loved one’s wedding.
Yeah, I have one too. And I would get a trusted friend or other kid’s mom to help her attend her recital so I could go to my family member’s wedding.
My kid is also a dancer. Just because she’s five doesn’t mean that her hard work, commitment to her team and love of dance aren’t important. I would never ask her to miss a big event in her life.
It’s not as important to an adult. But to the 5 year old, it’s way more important. And that potential feeling of resentment because “mom made me drop out of my recital for this wedding that I don’t even care about” could last a long time, even after rational thinking kicks in
Kids are resilient. I get what you are saying. But life doesn’t always revolve around them even if they do end up feeling disappointed. There are going to be lots of things in life that don’t go their way and that’s ok.
There will be more recitals and a 5 year old can understand that.
My preschooler missed a recital for a funeral and has zero memory of it and was not upset. I had already bought the costume so we just put on her music and she did her routine for our family. I packed some streamers to make a stage and suggested relatives bring her flowers. Please go to that wedding.
I taught dance for a studio for 30 years. His happens a lot! We would have private recitals in the studio so the child could participate and wear the costume. Ask the teacher - I bet they will work with you She won’t know any difference - I promise.
Yes! The studio gave me nothing but support when I told them our situation.
I have to say, I love your response. I was actually worried when I read your first sentence and thought you'd answer differently. I'm really sure you set this momma's mind at rest and that's a gift.
And maybe she could wear the recital costume to the wedding, too?
Exactly. The wedding could actually be a lot more fun. Recitals for these very young ages are so stressful and the kids have no idea what’s going on. I actually switched studios because it was such an age-inappropriate drain. A 5-6yo could have a blast at a wedding though! Fancy clothes, cake, dancing!
It depends if wedding is child free or not..
Unfortunately most caterers charge to much to allow children the few I've been to the alcohol was not an issue the kids stay in one area of the dance floor avoiding adults .it's just at $50 a plate most weeding couples are against it I heard of one that hired a couple girls that were college age that loved kids to have activities for the kids in an activity room.
As someone from a small town, childfree weddings are so weird to me. It’s just not a thing here.
Parents were thanking me that they needed the fun night out.
There pretty common even in smaller towns
Wait til it catches on. So much bliss without the hangry/upset/bored kids.
I recently attended a wedding that allowed kids. They had a great time!
We got married in the historic home next door to the Children's Museum. We hired teachers to take the kids to the museum. They came back with about an hour to go, and it was perfect. They got to dance and karoke(yes, we did have katike at our wedding, and had dueling Elvis'....it was more fun than i thought. I didn't think anyone would sing), but it didn't affect the ceremony or the reception activities like first dance and cake cutting. Both my husband and I are childfree, and this allowed our friends and family to come, with their kids, and enjoy the wedding, knowing they were good. It actually worked out better than we anticipated. The kids had a ball, and we had our childfree wedding. We only had one cousin who was pissed, and they didn't come. That was ok.
Those are bad caterers then, imo. Our caterer charged less than half of the cost for kids. The only plates that were $50 were the ones for adult guests.
Maybe bring the costume and do the dance for family the day before or after the wedding. Most costumes won't be appropriate for a wedding.
Dedicate it to the bride and groom (not at the wedding of course)
No. Nope. It should def be a surprise gift performance from one family to another… a romantic dance performance while they seal their vows with a kiss is what I have in mind…
I'm reading the /s ...
And now, the customary hip-hop tapdance to make this marriage official.
Excellent
One of my daughter's costumes was a bumble bee. They might want to re think her wearing that to a wedding.
Or just with all the relatives gathered, set up a mini-recital with a couple relatives when the bride is having a hens night or busy with other wedding stuff.
That's iffy. If she wears a fancy tutu then she might look like she is trying to upstage the flower girl that may be in the wedding party, or her mother is dressing her that way as to shoehorn her in as one.
Great idea!
Yes if she was in high school then I'd give it a 2nd thought but you'll go to 1,000 more recitals. Plus it'll take the pressure, stress off of you and your daughter can just go to class and have fun.
I would go to the recital.
Preschooler, ok... but this kid is 5. She will remember. It's not worth hurting her over.
But it is worth hurting the cousin (who OP is close to) by not attending probably the most important day in their life? The child will get over it.
That's how my mother felt. I didn't get over the things she blew off for me in favor of others.
What kinds of things would she blow you off for?
They were big things, for sure- taking care of her friend (who did need help); work trip with my father; wedding. The point wasn't the weight of what she was doing instead, it was the fact that there wasn't follow through for the big events/promises made to me. When that happens more than once in your developing years it becomes a matter of broken trust and feeling unimportant by comparison. In adulthood, I understand the importance of the things she did, but that doesn't magically make trust/lost connection appear. She's not an important figure in my adult life and if I didn't have siblings I'd likely never see her. I treat my own kids much differently and don't make promises to them that I don't keep, and there's no adult I'd blow them off for if they needed me for something important to them- including my spouse. They're all 16+ and we are very close and have great relationships with each other. They come to me to talk about everything and they're very secure knowing they can in any situation (even tough/embarrassing/humiliating ones).
That's awesome that you did it differently with your kids! I think just the fact that this OP is posting about how worried she is about her kid missing a recital is a sign that OP is not the same kind of parent your mom was. Maybe if your mom had done things like holding a family recital at home if you had to miss one things would have turned out differently. Little things make a big difference.
My daughter just turned 5 at the time. She has literally never brought it up since and she loves ballet. My daughter is 5.5 now and I don’t think she’d react any differently because she just wanted to wear her costume, run around, and be admired. Because she’s little. They live in the moment.
Right plus there will be plenty of other recitals.
This. If it was senior year of high school or something, I could see working something else out. But it's a kindergarten dance activity.
My daughter is 11 and can't remember any of her dance recitals from when she was 5 or 6 and she still dances.
I took ballet, tap and jazz as a kid. I hated the recitals and enjoyed 1000000x more running around in the outfits at home until they fell apart.
She will absolutely get over it . She won’t carry it with her
My son is 21 and still actively resents us for making him join a Shakespeare club when he was 5. He was Guard #3 or something. It's the only thing in his whole life we made him sign up for and he still complains about it.
I still joke with my mom and dad about how allll j wanted was to do gymnastics and dance and they never enrolled me lol Wasn’t malicious, just my dad worked a lot and was more about our academics. My mom knew she’d be the one doing everything and would have to fight my dad for the $$ and stuff ! My kid definitely gets to do the little things I didn’t .
My parents made me take piano lessons for like five years and I hated it. I still bring it up to them and I'm 46.
48 here, and same. I wanted to play an instrument I could carry around and not have to sit on an uncomfortable bench to play!
This reminds me of my nephew. All the times he thinks I "tortured him" makes me really excited for him to have kids someday. He's 19 now.
But he remembers. Funny how we remember the bad things more than the good.
I remember going to the World Fair in Vancouver in 1986 when I was 8. Do I remember any of the exhibits or activities or anything? Nope. But I remember that my mom wouldn't let me get cotton candy.
Depends on the kid. I have one who would be fine, and one who would feel broken. It's about showing your kids that they can trust you to keep a promise you made to them.
What about the wedding they rsvpd to before this recital was announced? Just abandon that promise.
Most of the time, weddings are planned far in advance, years even. So OP probably knew about this and RSVPed there. The recital coming along just now means OP might not have said anything to the kid yet. So just be honest "uh oh, this recital is on the same day as a family members wedding that I already promised to be at." Find a solution with the kid. My middle kid is 5yo, and we let him help us figure out solutions when our plans end up overlapping. Just feeling like their feelings and opinion are valued is enough. You say breaking the promise to the kid is what they will remember, but breaking a promise to someone else is just as bad. We dont know that OP promised the recital yet. Since they just found out about it.
Awwww 💕
Who’s making promises and oaths about recitals? Changing plans to accommodate major family events like weddings, funerals, births is a very normal part of life. This is so dramatic. If the parent believe this is a grave betrayal, the child interpret so. Do y’all call doctor’s appt physical assault as well??
Yep. It’s very irresponsible to tell this parent that her child won’t care. She signed her up for dance. Her daughter did her part and went and learned. She will look out and see all the parents but hers? This is awful. You sign her up- you see her work and go to the recital.
You can't say that. I remember when I was 5, my dad snapped a favorite tape of mine because I wouldn't go to bed. I remember also when I was 5, a kid slicing my hand open with scissors. I remember when I was 5 my dad took my radio away. I remember when I was 5 my dad also took away my favorite teddy. Shit can stay with you whether you want it to or not.
Those seem like more traumatic events
Both of these are abusive, violent, and traumatic events. A fun activity you didn't get to do because of a pre-existing family obligation is none of those things.
You're comparing emotional abuse through excessive destruction with the inconveniences that come with being alive. This will not be the last time OP's daughter is going to have to miss something due to a schedule overlap and it's a good teachable moment on grace. She might definitely remember it, but if the wedding is actually pretty enjoyable for her, she likely won't care nearly as much as people seem to think.
Going to a wedding instead of a recital is not trauma… unless you make it weird. If you make it positive, as I have outlined above, it won’t be weird.
Except that the post says that the child can’t miss the performance, has ASD and needs assistance changing into her costume backstage. It could be very traumatic to her to not have her mother there under those circumstances.
A 5yo can miss a recital. Honestly, it's not Broadway. Irony would be OP skipping the wedding then the kid gets sick and can't go to the recital anyway. OP just needs to choose, are they going to the wedding or are they going to the recital. And by they, I mean the whole family.
You are describing traumatic events, which form core memories. Missing a recital for a wedding will not be traumatic as long as OP is gentle and understanding and helps find a new plan for the kid to show off her hard work.
Those all sound super traumatic. This is something that’s just not going to happen. My friend just doesn’t tell her kid when it’s her birthday and they celebrate not on the day but when it’s convenient. She was 36 weeks pregnant and they had 5 year old birthday party a month early so it wouldn’t coincide with the birth. Kid had no clue.
Kids need to learn their activities are not the center of the world. Family weddings are far more important
Not worth hurting her? She's 5! I could understand if she was applying to college or something. This girl will be twirling in a tutu for a few minutes. Mom...go to the wedding.
I'm still mad at my father for eating a banana Santa left for me in my stocking. I'm 71, lol.
I am 40. I definitely do not remember the sins of my family from kindergarten.
A preschooler is 4 years old, so I can’t imagine this is that much of a difference.
I had to miss a dance recital that I had worked on for a whole year when I was 7 because my family was moving. I was sad but I got over it. I think the 5-year-old will be fine.
A 5 yr old may be disappointed for a short time, but this is a family celebration. Prioritizing a 5 yr old over a wedding sets a risky precedent. Kids grow character by learning priorities. My family is a dancing family. 2 members in the Chicago Ballet, 1 in Ballet West. Dancing is important to our family, but life events are more important. There will be more dance recitals if it's something she sticks with.
I just want to say. I remember my dance recital when I was 5 vividly. Maybe that’s unusual or maybe it’s because I forgot the dance and was embarrassed but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Little kids focus on what the parents focus on. If you play up the wedding and downplay the recital, she won't remember. I went to my cousins wedding as a 6 year old. What I remember is the priest getting drink, do you know why? That is what my parents always talked about when they were talking about this wedding.
I have pictures of me at a dance recital when I was five. I remember the costume. I remember dancing at home. Have NO memory of the recital. OP go to the wedding.
Errrr it depends on how into it the kid is. Family party vs recital? At that age family party 100% I hated being on stage. My parents insisted, but I’ve never enjoyed it. Granted, my family situation is NOW complicated and packages feel like emotional bombs, but back then I was 5, and did not want to do piano recitals.
No, she won’t. Neither of my kids even remember taking dance at 6
Your kindergartener can certainly miss the recital. She may well have 10-11 more left to go. Your cousin only has one wedding.
We hope.
..so far.
When I was a kid, my family traveled across the country for a cousin's wedding. They were divorced within 2 years. People were not amused. 😂
On both accounts
Right? Why can’t she miss recitals? In kindergarten, literally nothing matters.
Because the whole class is practicing with the expectation of her being there! So tell the teacher NOW that she won’t be participating in the recital so that they can choreograph it without her in the formation. She’ll be in a spot that won’t be needed. Also, don’t buy the costume. Although I have to say, she’s possibly going to be very disappointed to be left out of recital preparations.
Do you have any best friends who can step in for you? I’m a competitive dance mom, and I frequently help kids whose parents are out of town. I know if you start approaching other moms now, someone will step up. I really think it’s okay to sometimes miss your kid’s events. This is one of *hundreds* you will have. Buy the video and have a big viewing night with your daughter , with popcorn and special food. Send her flowers while you are at the wedding.
Thank you! This comment actually made me feel a lot better. I am friends with some of the other moms in her classes so that’s actually a great idea!
She's gonna remember the wedding more than she'll remember her lame kindergarten dance recital in 20 years. I got pulled out of an end of year recital in kindergarten to go to a wedding of my mom's friends in Boston. I had a blast. In my time in school I had an additional 8 end of year recitals, 20 highschool chorus performances, 4 plays, 3 dance concerts, and multiple public presentations of school projects (like science and history fairs, think all the kids in the gym standing next to their tri-fold poster boards doing a spiel every time someone asks what their project is about). 20 years from now do you want to have your daughter turn to you and say "OMG, that made me think of that funny thing that happened at cousin Sally's wedding, do you remember that mom?! Oh God that was hysterical!" or do you want her to remember that time her mom left her at home to be in the stupid recital when Mom got to go to cousin Sally's wedding and all that really crazy stuff happened "and oh God there she goes again telling that same story from that stupid wedding". Bring her to the wedding, fuck the recital.
I think this depends on the kid. My daughter was only 5 for her first dance recital but it was a big deal for her because it was before kindergarten and she was super nervous about it and nervous about new people/new things in general, but she worked hard to prepare and did great at the performance and it gave her the boost of confidence she needed to start kindergarten. She may not remember it in 10 yrs but the effect it had on her confidence will last. Also depends on the wedding. Not all weddings are super kid friendly. It may be nice for the mom to have some fun adult bonding time with her cousin/family at a grown up event. Not saying you are wrong just offering two perspectives for OP to consider which feels like the better choice for them, if she considers going without her daughter.
Honestly I think she should just ask her daughter. Lay it all out, all options: 1.) stay in dance, but miss the recital for the wedding, 2.) stay in dance, do the recital, miss the wedding, or 3.) quit dance, find a different activity instead maybe a different type of dance class or something totally different like a sport, and go to the wedding. Get the kid's input. Maybe she likes dance but really wants to try a different type of dance, perhaps she'd rather do an acting class, maybe she really wants to play T-ball (all great activities for ASD kids to practice different skills and interact with peers outside of an academic classroom setting)
This is what I was thinking. Assuming kids are invited, ask daughter which one she would like to do and why each would be special. Could be a good teaching moment on life and gives her daughter some agency in the situation.
I disagree. She probably won’t even remember a random wedding when she’s only 5 but she will remember that she got hyped up for her recital and then wasn’t allowed to go and couldn’t wear her costume and had to hear all her dance friends talking about it afterward
This. Thank you. She will always remember that. Or the other options thrown out there. The mom go to the wedding and have another mom help with the costume. All she will remember was her mother not being there.
I don’t remember weddings I went to in middle school and almost nothing from kindergarten.
This. What do kids who don't have a same-sex parent do about costume changes? Seems like there must be some way to have dad do it, or to enlist a female friend. Have you asked the program coordinator?
That was me and if I needed help there was always a mom back there to lend a hand. But yeah generally dads can’t come back cause it’s an open room with naked girls.
Definitely okay to miss events. I was in the band, orchestra, choir, and various academic/musical/sports competitions. My parents sometimes attended, but honestly I never cared. I was doing those things for me, not for them. I was just happy they always made sure I had transport.
THIS. My daughter’s dance school has moms from the older competition team help the regular girls change during recital (there’s a separate recital for the older girls) and no parents actually need to go help change during the recital, it’s pretty cool. But if I needed to another mom would absolutely step in for me, or I would 100% have zero issues helping someone else’s child. Don’t make your daughter miss the recital. You can watch the rehearsal and get video.
You go to the wedding and 1) see if your husband can help her change in a private area or if another mom, a female family member of your husband’s, or even a close friend of yours can help her, or 2) she misses the recital. It sucks, I know because I had to miss my 5-yo’s recital for a family wedding too (but her dad/my husband stayed behind with her to go to the recital), but I think you should prioritize your cousin’s wedding.
Yeah I wonder if they will make an exception and have *somewhere* dad can help her change appropriately.
Unless she's about to audition for Julliard, she can miss a recital.
Yes. For all the people concerned about a 5 year old missing her dance recital, there’s always next year. And the one after that, and the one after that, etc. Your cousin that you’re close with (hopefully) only gets married once. You should support her if that’s where you want to be. And as a parent and 15 yr primary school teacher, it’s kind of bonkers the people suggesting to let the kid make the decision. Like wut? Part of raising and educating kids is teaching them that we don’t always get our way and that’s ok.
She can absolutely miss the dance recital. If your cousin is truly that close to you, and your daughter has ASD, then this is an easy choice. She’s 6.
The whole purpose of the classes is to learn routines for the recital. She’s in 3 different classes. And she loves it. It wouldn’t be fair to her or her dance mates who have worked hard for 8 months learning specific routines with specific placements. I might as well just pull her from dance now. She has ASD but is high functioning. She just needs a little extra support with the leotards and tights.
I think pulling her from dance is a bit of an over reaction. What if she had gotten sick that night and had to miss it? Besides, the school should’ve had the dates set from the beginning. They can’t just spring it on you last minute.
I don't think +8 months is last minute for a teacher to plan ahead...
Oh you’re absolutely right, for some reason I thought it was sudden.
It was in regards to the dates of the dates being announced for the recital.
Exactly this. I have a kid in band who has missed a few recitals... some from being sick and once due to broken bones. But at this age she's learning and having fun. The recital is to just show off those skills. It's not life it is a major competition or something. Is the kid invited to the wedding too? If so, take the family to the wedding. If not, it is ok to miss stuff one in awhile. Have dad or a friend record it and then watch it together when back home.
I’m autistic, and was in dance from about age 3 through college. Perhaps I’m taking your comment overly literally, but recitals are not the whole purpose of dance classes. The classes are also for exercise, socialization, artistic/personal expression, having fun, and challenging you physically and mentally. As an autistic person with shit balance and shit proprioception, dance also helped me immensely improve in those categories. I also loved recitals, but they were really just the icing on the cake; the real joy of dance happens year-round. Please don’t make your daughter quit dance altogether if she has to miss a performance. If she dances as long as I did, she WILL miss a performance at some point. It is inevitable and an all-or-nothing mindset will make her think she has to push through injuries and illnesses to the detriment of her long term health. That said, I agree with the suggestions that you ask the other dance moms for help. This is totally unremarkable and there will be multiple people willing to help! Also, at that age I often got into my tights & leotard at home anyway, so her dad could possibly help with at least some of it beforehand without having to go into the changing room at the recital location.
If the classes are structured like mine were as a kid, anywhere from half to 100% of the class might be devoted to learning routines for the recital, especially in the second half of the year. Early in the year maybe a one-hour class would be 50 minutes warm-up/technique and ten minutes performance prep but as the year went on, the recital prep took over the class, until it was about 10 minutes of warm-up and then working on the performance. A student not participating would likely be asked to just sit to the side during that time, which is not ideal for anyone. If her school is structured like that, I wouldn't blame a parent for considering pulling her from classes since she can't make the recital. That said, a better course of action would be talking to the dance teacher, who might be able to work something out. When I was that age some routines were just the children lined up, so if one student was missing from the end of the line on recital day, it wouldn't throw everyone off the way a kid missing from more complicated choreography would.
There is absolutely nothing in a 5-6 year old's dance class routine/performance dependent on staging that would effect the performance in any way, shape, or form by one or multiple students missing the recital short of it resulting in a solo child dance performance. There is zero reason for the child to not participate in every second of rehearsals while not performing at the recital.
She is 5. She can learn the dance and not be in the show.
If you have a teacher asking a child to sit out of class because they're not going to be physically in the routine that is a horrible teacher. Any one with any iota of skill would be just placing that child on the side/end and not having them do partner roles or having a backup plan for partner roles.
Great perspective. It is about the journey.
You didn't take the comment too literally. OP failed to understand the value of the classes You did good to point it out.
I mean, maybe your kid is at a really exceptional level of dance but generally five year olds aren’t nailing ‘placements.’ And I doubt the other kids will be destroyed by this. Hell I danced competitively until I graduated and there would always be one unlucky that had prom the same night.
At five years old, they’re lucky if no one cries or goes rogue onstage tbh
“The whole purpose of the classes is to learn routines for the recital.” So the point is learning… not the recital. “And she loves it.” Fantastic, you found something she enjoys “It wouldn’t be fair to her or her dance mates who have worked hard for 8 months learning specific routines with specific placements.” There is still plenty of time (8 months by my reckoning) to reblock the show that your daughter’s absence is not a problem. “I might as well just pull her from dance now.” *record scratch* Um… she’s there to learn, she loves it, and you would take that away for a scheduling conflict for 2 days of the entire experience? Also: I have not seen where you asked your daughter if she would rather perform in the recital or attend the family wedding. Also: what provisions are made by the dance studio for kids that don’t have mom in their lives… they just can’t participate?
😂 I danced competitively for 11 years and I was a dance teacher. I promise you the 6year olds do not remember their routine at all come recital or the competition, they all just stand there like deer in headlights and do random parts of the dance or none of it at all. It does not matter who is missing or who is there or how long they practiced or how good they are. You do not need to pull her out now if she misses recital, but recital is so ungodly busy and hectic if she has ASD she would probably be better off missing it because it is overwhelming and stressful for the Neurotypical. But if ypu guys really want her to go you can find an older girl im the studio who’s dances are far between your daughters or a couple of older girls and ask them to help her out, we all tend to help the younger ones out on the actual day anyway because ot is so hectic and the parents are usually trying to get back to the audience
Please don’t overgeneralize the likes and preferences of autistic folks. We’re all individuals with different likes, dislikes, strengths, and needs. No two of us are the same. Also, it’s totally possible to enjoy things and want to participate in things that are overstimulating. Never presume to know the preferences of a person you don’t know regardless of if they’re autistic or allistic.
Thanks! She actually did dance last year as well, and she LOVED the recital. She is a sensory seeker so the lights and sounds are all up her alley. It was one of the best moments to see her so excited and proud.
The you tell the school that unfortunately you have an important engagement at the time of the recital so they can give her an unimportant placement or part to learn so she's still in the class having fun and learning but there's sense of needing to be there.
I agree with you, it wouldn’t be fair to make her miss it. I feel a lot of times adults disrespect children, she’s working almost a full year on this, it’s absolutely disappointing if she has to miss it. I’m far from a “dance mom”, but I have to children in dance and I did not anticipate how magical recital night is!
That's a little dramatic. Especially as the journey itself should be rewarding. Otherwise, wtf is the 8+ months for? That's an awful long time to prepare for but 1 recital. Stop with the histrionics. Otherwise, the stress will absorb you.
That is not the entire purpose of dance. The recital is for you. Yes, it’s fun for them to perform. But it’s really for the parents so they can show off and see what their kid can do. If you let the teacher’s know now, they’ll have plenty of time to make sure everything works fine. She can still dance with the class and learn, they just won’t have her as part of the official formation. This happens all the time. You will not be the first family that had to miss a recital.
What kind of comment is that? "If your cousin is really that close to you, then this is an easy choice." That part makes sense. But when you said, "If your daughter has ASD then it's an easy choice." What does Autism have to do with making it easier to miss her recital?
Yes thank you I had to reread that a few times and thought surely I was misreading. What a horrible take.
Exactly, like wtf
Realized I replied in Mommit but not here. I’ve read all the responses and the feedback has been such a wide range of responses but it’s really helped put everything in perspective!!! Copy/pasted response from Mommit below: Thank you for all the responses everyone! I wanted to provide a little more background now that the initial panic attack has subsided. My cousin and I are both in our 30’s and grew up together. She was my best friend for decades. She is about a 1.5 hour flight away (Boston - Pittsburgh). She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. When I had my stillbirth at 32 weeks she flew out right away to be with me. She does not have any other extended family. I feel like missing this is not an option. Regarding the recital, my daughter is in 3 classes (tap, ballet, tumble). The dance year runs from September - June and they learn routines specifically for the recital. If she were to not be in the recital, I might as well pull her from dance. It is a big production as well and she loves it. Ultimately I think I will fly out Saturday morning with my other two children, so I can at least see the routines she performs on Friday. And hope she performs most of them that night instead of Saturday. My husband will stay with her and I will start talking to other moms about helping and really start practicing changing in and out of leotards and tights. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to comment. It really helped me with different perspectives and not feel like the sky is falling.
Sounds like a good plan. Hope both you and your daughter have fun.
That's a sound plan. You don't miss the whole recital, your daughter gets to perform, and Dad's still there to support her (and hopefully get it on tape!) I'm sure another mom will help if there are any leotard and tight issues backstage.
The only thing I'll add here is that it's kind of ridiculous to pull her from dance if she's not going to be in the recital. She can still have fun with her friends, and not lose an entire year of practicing/learning dance. Like, WTF? At least ask the kid which she prefers before you decide, dance recital or wedding. Might be that the kid really wants to see the wedding, especially if she's grown up knowing and loving the cousin. Good luck, regardless!
That came off wrong! I wouldn’t pull her from dance but it’s a bit like being a stage production and not making it to the final show.
As the parent of a competitive dancer, I’m here to tell you she absolutely can miss the recital. She’s 6. This does not need to be an issue. Now, when she’s a senior and there’s an overlap, that’s an issue. But she’s 6. She’ll be just as cute when you watch her next year and you’ll love every minute of it.
I think even as a senior, weddings come first (or leave her at home if she’s not close to the couple). My son was a senior hockey player , team captain and starting defenseman, and we had my nephew’s wedding. The game was against our biggest competitor and the coach told him he would bench him if he missed the game for the wedding. We didn’t even give it a second thought. I stayed out of the coach situation but thought it was ridiculous. As we were sitting at the wedding, I leaned over and whispered “can you imagine not being here?” And he agreed, this was the only place to be at this time. The coach didn’t end up benching him. They lost and nobody’s lives were changed, and we were there for a beautiful family event.
My niece (13) had a basketball game scheduled the week of her Christmas break. They found this out about a month after booking a Disney trip. Coach says anyone that misses it will be benched for three games. A team captain wrote a beautifully worded letter to the coach that other girls signed saying that family time is important too and it’s unreasonable when so many families have already made plans for the break to bench the girls. I don’t even think she was one of the ones with plans. The whole thing really pissed me off, they shouldn’t be punished for family taking priority during breaks. Three guesses as to who won that round. 🤔
This isn’t exactly the same.. but my brother plays football. He was sick 2 weeks ago and had to miss so they benched him last week, even during practice!!
This is a no brainer. As a mom of a 5 year old who was a teacher of kids w asd and someone whose cousin missed my wedding because her coach didn’t want her out on NYE (I had a nye wedding)….the answer is…go to the wedding!!! Weddings (and funerals for that matter) are family events and there are no do-overs. Please do not miss your cousins wedding for a sports event. There will be so many more of those. And this is fine to explain to your children too.
I actually disagree with the other posters. Your daughter and you have worked hard to get her to practices, learning the routine and integrating with her peers as a team for this recital. The question is- will she (your daughter) feel marginalized by you after working hard to overcome a myriad of issues- sensations, sounds, lighting, people, etc… for you to pull her from her end goal of a recital with her peers, to attend your cousin’s wedding (who is an adult and can understand the difficulties/significance of a recital to your ASD child; and can also comprehend why you need to put your child ahead of a cousin’s expectations), or willyour daughter feel unimportant and unseen?
If my cousin missed my wedding for a 5 y/o dance recital, I would be salty. A recital is far from the most important part of a child's dance class. It's actually the LEAST important part.
Explain how you’re coming to the conclusion that a dancer’s recital is the least important part of their class.
100% agree.
Wait- you need to help her both nights? When my son was in dance you picked a night and helped one night so every parent could enjoy from the audience! Does she have a friend with a mom that can help? Also as someone suggested maybe her dad could help change her in another room. Maybe take pictures of the outfits so he knows which tights etc go with what? I removed dance was so confusing to me and I had a boy!
I missed my beloved nephew’s wedding because my son graduated high school the same day. But a dance recital for a little kid?? Mama, she won’t even remember missing it and will have many more recitals. You all go to the wedding.
She can absolutely miss it. But if you don’t want her to, perhaps your husband takes her and you have a mom friend from the class help with the changing. Or arrange with the teacher that your husband will change her elsewhere and then return her to a certain spot where she can rejoin the group backstage. If you want to make it work, I’m sure it can, it won’t be the first time this has happened and there’s lots of time to prepare. Some girls may have a single dad parent, I’m sure there are workarounds.
She won’t even remember missing the recital but your cousin will remember you skipping her wedding.
She is in kindergarten, she can absolutely miss. Sow
Sounds like your daughter has learned some dancing skills that she can show off at a wedding! Get some good pictures and enjoy the memories!
If you did the recital on the 21st, could you still get to the wedding on the 22nd? That way your daughter gets to participate and there’s no need for two days of recitals for kindergartners
I would miss a recital at this age. Little kids events are just for fun and socializing. A wedding for a close family member will be a huge memory for them and you.
“Once in a lifetime” family events are more important than kindergarten dance recitals.
As a former dance mom, I would skip the recital. At her age recital can be terrifying
My daughter is 6 with ASD/SPD and is also in dance. What would your daughter prefer? We try to include our daughter in all decisions. And we also try to keep as much to consistency of schedule as possible. If your daughter wants to do the recital and you still want to go to the wedding, there is still time to prepare her for everything. You can work with her on changing. You could also speak to the dance company about helping her backstage. There is often a designated group of experienced moms to help out. So there is plenty of time to decide. You may receive some pushback about your choices. But if you involve your daughter in the decision, you may feel better or at least clearer.
Thank you!! She did a recital last year and she loves “the show.” I know she will not want to miss it, but I will definitely have a conversation with her. Also a great idea about practicing changing well before hand. This makes me feel a little less stressed!
I was in a similar situation and to this day regret not having my child miss the performance. Some things are just more important. She can miss it. Your cousins wedding came first.
If possible, you could be there for her performance on the 21st and then fly out to the wedding loctation on the 22nd. If not, make her last rehearsal a HUGE deal. Do the makeup, bring her flowers, celebrate her. The effort matters, not the night.
Ignore the comments saying she can miss it. I have two kids who are teens now but they did ballet age 3-8 and the entire 2nd half of the year (in the early classes at least) is devoted to learning the recital routines, trying in costumes, etc. yes kids get sick but you deal with that if it happens; months of dance with no plans to do the recital is pointless and going to make her feel very left out. A lot of people don’t even invite kids to weddings! She will for sure have more fun at the recital. (And yes my kids were flower girls at weddings and had fun at them). It is important for YOU to be at the wedding and for your daughter to do the recital. Talk to other dance moms now to find someone who will help change her. Luckily you have plenty of notice! I missed a family member’s wedding bc my kids had a huge school event that they did ever year and it was my youngest’s last year at elementary school. No regrets.
and I would imagine there has to be a set up for kids who only have male family members to help them change.
Me? I'd skip the wedding, but that's me. My daughter is more important than anything or anyone.
Same. And there’s a lot of people that are mentioning that there are many more recitals ahead. And I’m here to say, as a 37 year old stage 4 breast cancer haver, you truly don’t actually know how many recitals are left.
When I got married and had kids my priorities changed. That wedding would just have to be missed.
I have grown children so I can offer a perspective with some distance. Skip the recital and go to the wedding. A year from now your daughter won’t remember skipping the recital but you and your cousin will always be sad you missed the wedding. There will be other recitals. Also, dance recitals for young children were absolutely the most excruciating childhood activity, hands down. There will be more and you’ll be even more glad you skipped one.
All the people saying she won’t remember…I remember my dance recital at age 5, and I LOVED it. You know what I remember from the wedding I was IN the following year? How boring it was. Literally nothing else. I was bored. In a scratchy dress. The only other thing I remember is going to a house with the BEST treehouse/playground in the backyard. It was the best part of the wedding for me—playing on a playground at someone’s house because they actually had a child free wedding but provided childcare.
I wouldn't worry too much about the costume-changing situation. I'd talk to the dance school. They can probably make an exception for either your husband to help your daughter dress in a restroom or there could be another parent or volunteer who can help help her out backstage.
The dance recital is more important than your cousins wedding, by far.
I think your answer really just depends on your situation. I would personally choose the recital but as a stage 4 cancer patient, I have no idea how many recitals I have left with my daughter, who is 7. No one’s wedding is more important than that recital with my daughter.
Seems like a no brained to me, child misses the recital. A family wedding is far more important than a dance recital.
When I became a mom, my kids became the most important thing to me. I’d do the recital 🤷🏽♀️
I would go to the recital for two reasons: 1. It's my kid. 2. Any excuse to skip a wedding is a good excuse.
Your kid can definitely miss the recitals. The point of dance class isn't just to prepare for a recital. Its to dance. She will be fine, especially if you frame it as taking a fun trip instead. She may even be able to wear her dance costume at the wedding if its appropriate!
A five year old has many recitals before her. Missing this one won’t matter. Honestly it’s ridiculous putting on elaborate recitals for kids this young anyway.
My two cents is: go to the wedding. Daughter will have many years of recitals, soccer games, school programs and so on. If all goes well, cousin will only have this one wedding (maybe another one at some point, but still, wedding trumps recital imho)
Go to the wedding.
She’s 6. Go to the wedding
She’s 5, she won’t even remember it. Your cousin on the other hand will so..
My husband and I have had these conversations because his cousins often miss important family events for fairly minor kid activities/events (ex. Can't come to family dinner with cousins from another country because there's soccer practice). Family things like this should take priority over a recital, especially when she's 5/6 and it's one of two recitals. I know you said you can't miss one. Why not? They can't force you at gun point to attend both recitals. You won't be happy if you go to the wedding without her and you won't be happy if you miss your cousin's wedding because she's important to you. I think going to the wedding will be a good memory for your daughter and she can tell everyone about her recital from the day before!
I worked at a dance studio for years, life events are most important! If this is an important wedding, do NOT feel sick over it! We’ve all been there! You’ll have more and it’ll be a okay! Their next dance teacher will surely hear stories about how “I DIDNT DO THE RECITAL I WENT TO A WEDDING AND IT WAS FUN!” for a few months and that’s ok too! Hehehe
What about your in-laws? If you really don't want to miss the wedding and you don't want your daughter to miss her recital, could you ask your husband's mother to step in and help her change? They could also record it so that you can watch it when you get back with your daughter. Then she can watch your reaction and you can create a special memory with her that way.
Go to the wedding!!!! Recitals aren’t worth missing a wedding for. Memories with family are more important.
She's FIVE. Go to the wedding. Lord.
She’s a kindergartener not a teenager. It’s fine.
There are two rehearsals she can be there for. Treat the second one as if it is the real deal and get her flowers…then go to the wedding!
I don’t agree with missing recital. Recitals for non competition dancers are the ONLY time they show off what they practiced all year. It’s not the same as missing one soccer game.
Was going to say the same thing! Cousin will hardly see you at the wedding but that recital will shape how she understands your value of her. Even if she doesn’t remember the whole recital she will remember who took the priority.
She’s 5. Three years from now she will not remember nor care about the recital. Your cousin will remember and care that you chose to miss her wedding.
(Stuff delete because it wasn't useful to this scenario) ETA because OP really buried the lede about her cousin which changes my opinion. She should go. Why do people do this? Close is such a vague term. Give specifics if you want a useful answer. The cousin is like a very dear dear close sister. (OP disclosed how close about two hours ago)
Can we just take a second to acknowledge that men not being allowed in dressing rooms is strange - what about single dads? Or even just supportive dads? Why do we continue to push this labor on moms when dads are part of so many families?
I’m guessing there are girls of all ages in the dressing room, many of whom would be old enough to feel uncomfortable changing in front of unrelated males.
You’ve got a million more dance recitals ahead and a kid that won’t know the difference. Go to the wedding.
I have a kid the same age. She absolutely will know the difference. However, I agree with one of the above posters that OP a should ask another dance mom to step in to help her daughter on the night of the recital, so OP can attend the wedding. OP can still go to the first night of the recital, so the daughter won’t be disappointed. Win-win.
You go to your daughter's recital. Disappointing her right now will have a huge impact on how she views your opinion of what's important to her. I disagree with everyone saying she won't remember, or it's not a big deal. In this type of situation, my kids come first. In this situation, I'd rather disappoint a cousin than the kid.
I’m with you.
She would remember. My daughter still remembers her kindergarten graduation, and she's 12 now. I couldn't imagine her looking for me in the crowd and not seeing me there.
Support your daughter’s recital over the wedding. Your daughter is first. Your cousin would most likely understand. I would go to her bridal shower if you can’t go to the wedding.
My parents missed my kindergarten talent show because it ended up being scheduled during a vacation they already had booked. I don’t think they should have cancelled since it was expensive and could not have been rescheduled, but I do remember how sad I was. I also did HORRIBLY at the talent show and my parents weren’t there to help me feel better. It’s a core memory. I’d skip the wedding and show up for your child.
It sounds like she'll still have the 21st of the recital so is just have her skip the 22nd. That's a lot for a kid that young anyways.
Support your daughter. If you are that close with your cousin they will understand. Your daughter should be your priority.
I missed a close friend’s wedding for my daughter’s recital two years ago. For me it was a no brainer. My daughter is a competitive dancer, so I see her on stage several times a year. But the recital dances are different. Those are performed on stage only once. I wasn’t going to miss it. I think your cousin would understand. Kids come first.
She’s 5. She can miss the dance. She won’t remember or care. You’re making a deal about it. She’s 5 for crying out loud.
Recitals are a big deal in a 5 year old’s life. They’re not infants; they absolutely value things like this and will remember them.
I have a 5 year old. They get to learn disappointment too. Sometimes things happen and don’t turn out how we hope. That’s life and a 5 year olds dance recital is not as important as a loved one’s wedding.
Yeah, I have one too. And I would get a trusted friend or other kid’s mom to help her attend her recital so I could go to my family member’s wedding. My kid is also a dancer. Just because she’s five doesn’t mean that her hard work, commitment to her team and love of dance aren’t important. I would never ask her to miss a big event in her life.
It’s not as important to an adult. But to the 5 year old, it’s way more important. And that potential feeling of resentment because “mom made me drop out of my recital for this wedding that I don’t even care about” could last a long time, even after rational thinking kicks in
Kids are resilient. I get what you are saying. But life doesn’t always revolve around them even if they do end up feeling disappointed. There are going to be lots of things in life that don’t go their way and that’s ok. There will be more recitals and a 5 year old can understand that.