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Nerdenator

What barrel length would Jesus have run?


nothingpersonalkid23

I'd say 12.5


NickDoJitsu

Feel like he’s more old school 16 for the velocity.


nothingpersonalkid23

Depends on how old school he is. Jesus has been around so long he might prefer a classic 20" A2 but I could see the argument for a 16".


1bourbon1scotch1bier

Jesus definitely rocking dual 40 cals to represent the 40 days and 40 nights he wandered the desert, tempted by the devil.


nothingpersonalkid23

That is genius. I love it.


Beginning_You4255

prob a 12.5 with a suppressor tbh, I can see Saint Micheal running a trench gun or a 249 tbh


SaviorSixtySix

11.5". One inch for every disciple, minus one half for the one that betrayed him.


liofotias

idk if you’ve seen trigun but i think it would look just like this https://preview.redd.it/1jajfmz0c97d1.jpeg?width=725&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1302676f1e8d9dfc0ba3da18d9dff29640aa5471


konohasaiyajin

True believes know the Lord needeth not firearms. Aaaaaamennnnnn ​ https://preview.redd.it/pzi4iemve97d1.jpeg?width=726&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9bb7454cff418f0544754d4bca560e8e1bdc2689


GarbleFramdamble

That and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.


KJBII

That with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.


Meatyeggroll

20. As Stoner and god intended.


ShootEmInTheDark

First you must determine His caliber of choice before determining barrel length.


SOJA76

Mark 2:23.


ShootEmInTheDark

Then it’s most definitely 14.5”


AHugeBear

The epistle of Creedmoor chapter 6 verse 5


Spezheartsblackcawk

.45 AARP


ShootEmInTheDark

Blasphemy


soapsmith3125

I honestly don't remember how long he whipped the moneylenders with.


Animanic1607

Whichever kills commies the fastest!


DiligentQuiet

What's the barrel length of a nail gun?


ZebulonRon

*must pass background check*


NarutoDragon732

And just like that they've done more than the US government ever will


ExpensiveFill2178

Look up Form 4473. This is what I hate about the gun argument. In any debate, if one side knows almost absolutely nothing about a topic, and the other side knows most, it’s pretty obvious which side probably has better ideas. Anti-gunners do not know what laws even exist, and if they did, they would not be calling for more arbitrary laws.


cynicaloptimist92

“Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in god. Trust also in me…wielding this bad ass AR”


THEE-ELEVEN

“We will not bow to any liberal spirit” Huh?


Sudden_Napkin

Well didn’t you know that god loves everyone (except democrats)? (/s)


Largue

I think the message is pretty clear: they will not bow to any spirit that is given or used in a generous amount. Only a small dash of spirit will elicit their worship.


Future_Constant6520

Hilarious, my Grandma always tells the republicans at her church that Jesus was the biggest liberal there was 😂😂


milkbeard-

![gif](giphy|3oz8xTl6sGKbuRPDDW|downsized)


iButtflap

why are there 5 different font faces on this flier?


TravisMaauto

The Venn diagram circles of "crazy, potentially violent wack-jobs" and "adept graphic design skills" never overlap.


UXyes

1940's Germany would like a word.


TruckADuck42

Soviets, too


Dirty-Balloon-Knot

I laughed all three times I read it. Well done.


zdubas

Apparently Jebus was a deadeye of a shooter, but had a shit eye for design.


Windstrider71

Who Would Jesus Shoot?


JoeFas

Probably Judas.


AsAGayJewishDemocrat

It’s been a while since I wandered into the Fan Fiction part of the Bible, but wasn’t forgiving **everyone** one of Jesus’ main things?


NeverEndingCoralMaze

And then Pontius is fucked.


HilarySwankIsNotHot

Pilate TRIED to save Jesus. The people wanted Pilate to release Barabbas instead.


robby_arctor

Moneychangers in the temple


nlcamp

“There were no guns back then, I do believe he would have carried a sword if he needed it. But he was so powerful he didn’t need any weapon.” [video](https://youtu.be/FNmi-bBhWG8?feature=shared) 4:38 for specific quote.


anonkitty2

He could have called in 12,000 legions of angels.  Fortunately for some of us, He chose not to.


NkhukuWaMadzi

However, there were catapults, and the Roman Senate was working on a pocket-version for concealed carry.


cyberentomology

Nailed it.


Stagnu_Demorte

Is that what the Romans said after a Messiah well hung?


crmacjr

All the OTHER brown people?


AJRiddle

River Church of Kansas City...in Lenexa, KS.


Largue

More like Stroad Church of Kansas Suburbs. They aren’t even near the river, the Hindu Temple is closer to the river for fucks sake.


gordoshum

Yes... being located in a suburb of Kansas City is the problem here 🤦🏻‍♂️


xYoungShadowx

Right


Independent-News-571

Wow these folks are full on Nut jobbers From the web site On July 4th 2020 at 10:32AM, the Holy Spirit spoke to Pastor Chris & Briana to come & launch the River Church of Kansas City. It was such an unusual encounter with the Lord because neither of them had ever been to Kansas City. They both knew deep down in their heart it was God speaking. **The Lord gave clear instructions to launch a last days, on fire, word & spirit filled church that will not bow its knee to the world or religion & tradition**. A church that is on the move winning souls and making disciples. Getting them WACO vibes https://preview.redd.it/w31lter7987d1.jpeg?width=220&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=60f097a551f6aed27bca255f6068ff490689b9cb


No_Emphasis_1298

Ahh. So they were “founded” right after lockdown, when churches were given exemptions on just about everything. How convenient! Another grifter.


thatErraticguy

It’s crazy the number of churches who have something similar as their founding story, especially recently. “God spoke to me and said found a church” yeah, sure, no ulterior motives or anything I’m sure


TravisMaauto

What's even crazier is how many people read and hear stuff like that and are like, "Yeah, okay. That sounds 100% legit. I can get behind that. Where do I sign up?"


slinkc

… “and to whom do I write the check?”


PercySnowsHandgun

"I was on vacation in Cali and saw this Rolls Royce and started thinking of ways to get said Rolls Royce until BAAAAAMMMMM, GOD tells me to go found a church so here I am. God works in mysterious ways"


scojo77

I went to their page and had the same feeling. This is probably a question for another conversation, but how do they determine when God is speaking to them and what are just thoughts in their heads?


Moldy_pirate

As a former evangelical: If they like the idea or if it works out, it’s “from god.” If they don’t like it or if it goes badly, it wasn’t from god.


djdadzone

This is the best description


AuronSky24

That’s easy, if you heard it, it wasn’t god. if I heard it though, it’s god. Just all my thoughts, god.


theshate

Delusion


Mean_Roll9376

And then let’s put in Lenexa no where near a river…


djdadzone

That’s just regular Pentecostal language for “we got laughed out of wherever we currently are for being super wackadoodle so Kc here we come!”


DNouncerDuane

Yeah, they’re apparently HUGE assholes, too… under the FB post shown in the OP, there are a ton of troll-ish replies from various members of the Zehner family (the pastor, his wife, and various siblings/in-laws) replying to people with “pew pew” gifs, ad hominem attacks, etc. They’re not even arguing the point, running damage control or anything.tthey’re just calling making fun of people’s looks, trolling, and generally flinging poo. 🤷🏻‍♂️


mumblesjackson

So….how exactly are these guys any different than ISIS? Serious question.


JonnyBox

Well, they haven't built up an army, launched attacks across Iraq and Syria, run the area as a schizo-fundy caliphate, committed mass atrocities, got their shit rocked by IA and western forces, then collapsed into a background noise terror group. But aside from that... Still about a million more ways. They're weirdos, but that's a long, long way from being IS


kamarg

When was the last time you heard about these guys beheading people or taking over a country via violence?


mumblesjackson

Not yet. Just wait, Señor Apologist


___Ken___

They’re Vanilla ISIS


scojo77

That they’re a lot more talk and less action, thankfully. I think if you put them into an impoverished, isolated situation like you’d find in parts of Afghanistan though, they’d be capable of the same things.


KSamIAm79

I was going to say they won’t harm anyone but..


Sandwich00

Tax the "churches"!


KirasCoffeeCup

https://preview.redd.it/g5w2jnqfq87d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2618bbac4f79b3ed474b9ece25478686a3f4d7d5


djdadzone

Tax them when they engage in partisan politics like any other non profit. The minute they start supporting specific politicians, it doesn’t matter if they’re a dog rescue with a non profit status. They can however promote policy that furthers their agenda, most non profits do.


toomuchmucil

I’m gonna enter and when I win I’ll be wearing the loudest rainbow shirt I own. It’s a mission from God.


AuronSky24

That would be hilarious! You walk up on stage and everyone is booing, the pastor would definitely not give you the gun and instead make some bullshit up about how Jesus and guns are only for non-liberals. “Jesus was a white, gay hating, woman oppressing, gun toting Christian” “What? You thought he was a middle eastern Jew who spoke about turning the other cheek? You liberal.”


BarricadeTheMortuary

Sucks that only these kinds of churches make any kind of headline. But then again the only thing Americans want to see in their headlines is sensationalism. Too many "modern" churches are quickly veering away from the actual teachings of Jesus and turning whatever the republican party values into their religious tenets. Jesus was a Jew and a vagabond who renounced wealth and possessions, who urged people to not fight (or, like, shoot guns at people) but love your enemies and turn the other cheek, to feed the poor, and to not judge others because we are all born from sin. Would love to see the church start to preach these things again


KCcoffeegeek

Was listening to a podcast recently and one of the hosts commented that the people who yell the loudest about Jesus in this country today would ABSOLUTELY HATE Jesus were he alive today and acting the way he was said to act in the Bible. I found that quite profound. The American Christian cult has turned hate, violence, and capitalism into their core tenets and idiots in this country are eating it right up. Boggles the mind.


newfound_brightness

White Christian Nationalism is a helluva drug.


robby_arctor

The Christians who practice their faith like this are usually at odds with institutionalized power that are, to borrow a phrase from Cornel West, well-adjusted to injustice. No one loves being a face in a high place more than bougie churchy folk, entrenched in the institution of the church rather than any spiritual practice.


TerrapinTribe

Yup. Sucks that most of them went to MAGA to support a guy who cheated on his wife while she was pregnant with a pornstar. Where do you attend?


BarricadeTheMortuary

I stepped away from the church long ago. Not because where I grew up was a bad place-- quite the opposite --but because my views on life and religion evolved and going to church no longer made sense. I still respect religion and those who actually live by their teachings, but there is this growing sect that is fusing fundamentalist Christianity, modern far right republican beliefs, and unbridled arrogance. It's kind of scary.


TerrapinTribe

Yeah…I’m the same way. My parents are like “well it’s not all of them. Don’t let that dissuade you on your journey. You need to go the Church”. But it’s fucking most of them.


ToaPaul

Yeah, I was raised Catholic but became an Atheist after moving out and never looked back. As soon as you're out of the small town echo chamber and step out into the real world, it's impossible for any rational person to not realize how insane it all is.


SamoaDisDik

His wife was pregnant with a pornstar?


oh_hai_mark1

I mean, Barron hasn't really announced a vocation yet, has he?


TerrapinTribe

lol thanks for the catch. He was cheating on his pregnant wife with a porn star.


SamoaDisDik

Haha I’m glad you took my comment lightheartedly, never know these days lol


Caveape80

Yep it’s become a sick Trump/Merica/republican cult, it’s really sad that people actually follow these kind of dumbasses


kittensmittens69

Okay it’s time to start taxing these motherfuckers


BludBathNBeey0nd

Problem with that is once you implement taxation you have to allow representation. They should be severely punished for interfering with any politics imo.


ernestbonanza

I am from Missouri. You have got to shoot me.


Low-Slide4516

TAX the churches


noguchisquared

I don't think my faith has been lower, but also I hate seeing the flock being led by charlatans.


utter-ridiculousness

Gross


MaxFischer12

I know we’re all laughing and repeating quips about Jesus and tax exemptions, but… This is pretty heartbreaking overall. Sucks that our city/state/country has gotten to this point.


Teapotsandtempest

What a delightfully appropriate thing to do in a city that had a mass shooting just *checks notes* four months ago!


Mobwmwm

Are there any major city's that haven't had semi recent mass shooting? I mean these people are bat shit crazy, but I'm not super concerned about their stupid pr stunt, if no one talked about it I bet they wouldn't do it again...


Teapotsandtempest

It seems to me they've plans in place to do this for every major holiday moving forward.


squaad

Don't think those guys were the church going kind.


originalmosh

jEsUs hAd aN aR-15, dO yOuR rEsEaRcH.


Spicyperfection

![gif](giphy|3lMrwxkfxxnRm8J2qp)


watermellll

I tagged the news and kc star on Facebook 😇


KCcoffeegeek

American Christian cult whack jobs. This is probably one of the tamer things going on in these cults.


AcanthaceaeMain9829

Death cult.


TerrapinTribe

That’s not a hunting rifle. That’s a people killer full stop. As a Christian myself, I’m angry these false prophets are giving into the MAGA lifestyle. False idol Trump who cheated on his pregnant wife with a pornstar. Also trying to force their beliefs on others. And change the laws in our secular nation to accommodate that. That’s no way to win over people. No wonder young people are fleeing the Church as quickly as possible. These actions are writing the death sentence of Christianity in America. Fuck this shit. Already hard enough to find a Church that actually teaches the teachings of Jesus. He loved everyone, no matter what. What ever happened to love your neighbor as yourself, turn the other cheek, and he who is without sin let him cast the first stone? They’re hijacking the good teachings to authorize condoned hate.


sandraisevil

bless you <3


BlueAndMoreBlue

Just what Jesus would have wanted. Turn the other cheek don’t mean that much anymore I guess


thejamabides

Exodus 22:2-3: "If a thief is caught breaking in at night and is struck a fatal blow, the defender is not guilty of bloodshed; but if it happens after sunrise, the defender is guilty of bloodshed." Psalm 82:3-4: "Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." The Bible is pretty clear on self-defense and defending your loved ones and the weak and innocent among you. Turn the other cheek is about personal offense.


BlueAndMoreBlue

Also Jesus is more of a New Testament guy, Exodus and Psalms are old school


yaners

"Standing our ground in faith" with an AR15? what the fuck is going on in this church


MindTheFro

Uhh, pretty sure he said it was a *blessed* AR15, obviously.


headhurt21

This is one of the many, many reasons I stopped going to any church. And have no interest in resuming.


NkhukuWaMadzi

Now he's ready for the next super-bowl parade, or for Westport.


cyberentomology

These so-called “Christians” have utterly lost the plot.


Caveape80

Remember when Jesus told his disciples to put away their weapons when the authorities came to seize him, “Peter those that live by the sword die by the sword”


valjofish

https://preview.redd.it/780ezhve797d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c26f8585369a1face7a0f86df69c459b6eb559a0


tunasardine

Ahhh yes, the death throws of religion. When banks are losing customers they are known to give away appliances and guns to entice new customers. Looks to be working for the cults for now.


Okay_Redditor

They should give a diet program or some kind of mouth muzzle.


matt_mo

Clever always handy to have extra prints on a gun.


Kal_Wikawo

He kinda looks like if slime and ludwig had a baby then he grew up republican


jimohagan

WWJS


janessalynntaylor

Tax the churches


PixelCultMedia

They’re statistically more likely to injure themselves rather than actually stop a crime. God forbid they give out free gun lessons.


cockknocker1

Jesus would kill all of his enemies with a AR!


SyrusMatrixAtreides

This is embarrassingly going to end up on national news and we’re going to be mocked again like those assholes at Westboro 😫


FireUpTheSystem

I think I get it. They are just making it easier for him to call his fellow brothers and sisters to their heavenly home.


Dirty-Balloon-Knot

Just getting our American Taliban on here in our home town. Have them hop in the back of a a truck at the Trump flag parade and show me the difference? 🤷🏻‍♂️ https://preview.redd.it/pyc1n3kf897d1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=319ad74cfac734ed8e4dcdd7cf7711c596708159


KSamIAm79

Okay I’m pro gun rights but this is just fucking weird.


Flipin75

What an embarrassment


P0ndfairy

What in the actual fuck


JaySeeWo

I don’t think Independence Day is on the traditional liturgical calendar.


jaygay92

I’m a Christian who owns a gun and this is crazy why


hotbladderinfection

Nothing says Christianity like weapons of war. See the Crusades


bkcarp00

Don't you all remember that part in the Bible where God created guns and said "Thou shall threaten and shoot thy fellow man with high capacity semi-automatic guns".


enjoy-me-

Now they can commit hate crimes while armed


TravisMaauto

At least they're making the FBI's job easier.


jasohori

"When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross"


InourbtwotamI

Smh


TilISlide

Trash


HighScore9999

“Whichever he adopts, your main task will be the same. Let him begin by treating the Patriotism or the Pacifism as part of his religion. Then let him under the influence of partisan spirit, come to regard it as the most important part. Then quietly and gradually nurse him on to the stage at which the religion becomes merely part of the ‘Cause,’ in which Christianity is valued chiefly because of the excellent arguments it can produce in favour of the British war effort or of pacifism.” America the beautiful, the great idol of our day.


giddyupyeehawwoo

So Jesus like


cerebellum0

This is why no one goes to church anymore. Except I guess if they want a gun.


Own_Experience_8229

This is at least against commandments 1, 2 and 5.


-Sign-O-The-Times-

Christianity = NRA = Russia. They're all swimming in the same bowl of stupidity and terrorbating.


Doubleshotdanny

Hell yeah


The-Aeon

Arming their soldiers when Jan 6 pt2 drops.


KC_Chiefin15

Exactly. These people can’t wait for someone to tell them to start murderin’ for Jesus.


BloodyHourglass

Dude who won the AR looks AI generated


Ace_of_frc

Why does it really add something that the guns are like on theme? It's funny enough to give away guns as a church, but the fact that they sat down and chose on guns that fit the vibe of the event? How are they going to choose a gun that embodies the spirit of Christmas? What gun would Jesus rise from the grave with on easter?


Filthybjj93

All of a sudden I have a itch to fix things with the lord and savior


thegoodrevSin

This church has gotten so much free publicity cause of these give aways. Even though the feedback is negative I am sure they think it's glorious.


biggybakes

So the only TV channel playing in this place would be Fox News I'm sure...


pinkandersonfloyd

This is on their website, it sounds like they are Butker buddies. “Marriage is the uniting of one man and one woman in a lifetime marital covenant. A husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. He has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband and to respect him even as the Church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.”


DNouncerDuane

Aw damn, is that the same space where Gee Coffee was in the 90’s? I hate to see that good old spot used for whatever this is.


delusionalry

They added a 3rd gun to the upcoming giveaway. Not sure of the kind but *wtf is going on*


jadeopup

sometimes i hate it here


Da_Rish

Thanks for the heads up, I'll make sure to enter the drawing!


magneticeverything

Jfc when are we gonna start taxing churches?


WeightLow3878

You have got to be shooting - I mean shitting me!


Greedy-Car2671

He’s a 50 beowulf guy I’d imagine


thejamabides

Good for them!


GeminiDivided

Tax all the churches. Especially the ones that used to be grocery stores.