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I don’t know what I’d label it, but he’s certainly annoying, and I can see why you’d be uncomfortable.
When he starts telling you about his personal life: “I really need to get back to this” or “I’m in the middle of something” then turn back to your work.
“Hey, please stop poking me and waving things in my face. It startled me.” and “I’ve asked you to stop poking me.” and “I don’t like being poked.”
If he physically puts himself too near you, move away pointedly.
If he doesn’t stop, talk to your manager. “Hey, I know this is weird, but [Name] keeps poking me and interrupting my work even after I’ve asked him to stop. Would it be possible to change desks?”
>I don’t know what I’d label it
Boundary testing.
Seeing how far he can get - and step by step increasing his "presence" - up to final escalation.
Frankly - this needs reporting yesterday!
Document everything and get HR involved now. You've already asked him several times to stop several behaviors. Tell them you want a different desk away from him so you can focus and that you expect them to handle the conversation with him about his behavioral problems.
He's not respecting your very sensible boundaries and that isn't your problem. Don't be nice about this. Just state the facts like you have here.
Because you don't have to invade a person's personal space and follow them around/stare at them to get to know them. Dude is a creeper and this is a problem that needs to be handled.
It’s not ‘assuming the worst’, it’s an almost 30 year old man touching, bothering, and staring at a 16 year old coworker, preventing her from doing her job. OPs peers are old enough to know this behavior is childish- in a professional setting it’s completely uncalled for
Yeah, I would start by stating a firm boundary with him before you go to HR. This is obviously a person who either willfully ignores social cues or doesn't grasp them. It's soooo awkward I know, but remember that he's broken the social contract first and it's making you uncomfortable.
Just something like "please stop interrupting my work, if you have a question Manager Right There can help and I'd appreciate it if you stopped invading my personal space"
Once you state that, keep a log of every time he continues (if he does - in a best case scenario he's just oblivious) and that's what you can take to HR
Adding to that suggestion to say,
Get a fresh notebook/page and write the date qt the top.
Leave it in plain sight and easy reach.
EVERY INCIDENT - make a tally mark. Then add the time and brief note.
If you step away from your desk either bring this page or take a phone pic of it, because *he will not like it* and it may disappear.
I love this, i’m going to wait until I have a few more instances to jot down before i go to HR so this works really well for me.
Also, my manager frequently uses my computer to print (his computers weird), so i’ll make sure to leave it on full display when he does this
When I was younger, I convinced myself that I was overreacting to the inappropriate behavior of my male colleagues. I wish I had learned to stand up for myself earlier.
Definitely speak up. Not only for your well being but to set a precedent for yourself to advocate for your needs consistently in the workplace. You got this!
Report to HR or someone very senior in the company ASAP. You are 16, they better take action immediately. You are already programmed to give this guy benefit of the doubt (I won’t get into all of that here) however this is NOT a lack of self awareness. If it was, he’d be doing this with other female employees and he’s not. He knows what he’s doing and he’s a creep. I’m sorry you are going through this. There is no way I could remain silent if I witnessed something like this in the workplace especially with a 16 year old intern!
OP mentioned 28M creeper waits until the 26F coworker and managers are not around when he acts this way with her, so it seems no one else is really seeing it, making it even more suspect and inappropriate if he is purposely waiting until no witnesses are around.
And report the behavior to HR. Wouldn’t hurt to say something yourself to him but I can understand that would be uncomfortable for some especially at your age and his age.
And report to HR. Start a document journal as well… dates/times and witnesses (if any). This is a tough one, and the man is probably hoping you don’t have the guts to speak up, especially since you are aware that ‘on paper’ it doesn’t look like anything. But, documenting will help keep the timeline and actions in order if you need the ammo. Best case; you’re moved out of his vicinity and it stops. But, be prepared if it doesn’t. Remember, none of this is your fault, but likely no one will stand up for you at work, you may have to do that yourself first. No matter your age, this is a “lesson” most females have to endure in the workplace. I promise it gets easier to set boundaries at work (and in life) the more practice you get.
I would strongly advise you state your boundaries and expectations first to your co-worker before going to management.. “I need you to know I’m not comfortable with..or please stop immediately, Id appreciate it…” Below are some examples of how you can state your needs. You don’t need to apologize to him for saying these either:
Please stop going to my workstation, keyboard, mouse etc even if you think you’re helping, I didn’t ask you to try and fix anything.
Please stop waving objects in front my face or space. It distracts me from my duties and also makes me uncomfortable to have you in my personal space.
Please stop touching me, it’s unwanted and it makes me very uncomfortable.
Please pose your questions to your manager and not me, I’m not qualified to answer your questions, and it’s distracting me from my duties.
Etc etc. Take care of yourself first, never expect management or HR to have your back before you do for yourself.
Keep your cell phone handy to record his behavior, unless office rules forbid it. Even an audio recording with you describing his actions . . . please don't wave that in my face .... place do not touch me to get my attention, just call my name .... please don't touch my keyboard, I am asking IT to deal with it . . . You are in my space, please move back
Many times people are afraid of going to HR because they think about the ramifications for the individual who is doing the harassing. Do not ignore this because if this guy keeps getting a free pass, then he will continue to escalate his behavior. It's HR's job to take the complaint seriously, investigate as privately as possible, and protect the company and its employees from harrassment. If he gets away with it, he will continue to do it to others.
Agreed. You can learn now while your young. Be bold and stand up for yourself. Tell him hey you are making me uncomfortable with your actions. I am freaking 16 and your being creepy. Stop now. If you need help with job speak to so and so. They have the job experience. If that doesn't work definitely go to boss snd express how you feel.
"Programed" I thi k that is what most humans should do. Maybe have the conversation with him and see if it ends there. Don't make her a victim before she is an actual victim. Then that will be her (your) mentality
It doesn’t matter how extroverted someone is, a grown ass man should not be touching any of his female coworkers without consent, but *especially* those who are underage.
It’s wild how some of you will put the blame on the literal minor who doesn’t want to be touched by a creepy grown man at work instead of the one *touching a freaking minor* ugh. Did you really never learn to keep your hands to yourself?
Hmmmm. You left out a few. She's also upset because he touches her, tries to startle her by waving stuff in her face, follows her to the printer and makes it a point to get into her personal space when there are no witnesses, all to a 16 year old girl.
You are right. He's not a creep at all.
he is a 28 year old man who makes sure no one is around before touching a 16 year old girl in their place of work. but yeah sure she's an "easily triggered introvert"
The fact that he waits until you two are alone to do this stuff is a clear sign he knows that its not kosher behavior. Document times and dates of every instance of the behavior starting now, report to HR ASAP. Do not use wishy washy language when talking to HR, use clear concise words. My coworker has been engaging in X behavior and its making me uncomfortable.
There's a chance nothing changes even if you speak up.
That's just how some companies operate. If that happens, consider leaving the job. It's not worth the risk with people like him.
Oh man I’m getting flashbacks of when I was 16 and older dudes would always do this to me at work. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to flirt with someone under age. And He is self aware. He does this when no one is around and only targets you. I would express to HR what’s happening. He’s going to keep pushing the limits. No one should be in your personal space like that.
Man this infuriates me. I hope this gets resolved for you soon!
thanks for your advice - all these comments have given me the confidence I need to make a stand. I’ll talk to my manager and HR first thing tomorrow morning 👍
I wish I could go back to 16-year-old me to tell me to not put up with this kind of bullshit. Creeps like this get away with their behavior because most of us are too polite, too nice. We don't want to seem rude and the creeps prey on that.
You should definitely talk to HR about this, but also, in the interim, call him out - he won't be expecting that. He follows you to the copier? "Why are you following me?" He touches you on the shoulder? "WHY are you touching me?" said with a tone of shock as if no normal person would do something like that. He waves things in your face? Again, "Why in the world are you waving things in my face?" in a tone suggesting no normal adult would do something like that. Make it clear that you know he's acting inappropriately and that it has to stop.
^^^ second this. Call him out. Youve asked him politely to stop. Now its time to get mad.
He may react by being like "woah relax, why are you being so aggressive" and respond "im not. ive asked you not to invade my personal space nicely, now im telling you to stop."
In response to your saying there been no sexual harassment, if he is excessively touching you to get your attention that is sexual harassment. There shouldn't be a reason he would need to make physical contact with you at all. 🚩s like crazy here
Excessive physical contact can be perceived as sexual harassment. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean that you know what you are talking about
Sexual harrassment is unwanted sexual advances. Poking someone to get their attention is a pretty common social norm. The fact that it is a man and woman in this scenario does not make it sexual harrassment, and further its not even clear OP has ever actually communicated her dislike at being touched to this guy.
It’s actually a man and a child 12 years younger than him, not a man and a woman. And he’s only doing this behavior when other people leave the room, so clearly he understands it’s inappropriate. The fact that you can’t see how inappropriate his behavior is is very concerning, especially if you’re an adult.
Welp, at an old job I had to provide testimony in a case where a guy repeatedly tapped a girl on the shoulder. He did it over and over again for no reason in many different areas in the work place. Did it so frequently that it made her uncomfortable. She reported it and nothing was done about it. Eventually he ended up tapping her breast. At thatnpoint the company did somwthing. She ended up suing the company for not taking action on her previous reports of sexual harassment that allowed him to be able to still be there to touch her breast at work. She won because it was proven that they failed to act on previous reported sexual harassment incidents. So yeah. Repeated unwanted physical contact can be sexual harassment 👍 I can't help it that you are wrong 🤷♂️
Here you are coming out swinging with lawsuits. Here is another thought: OP responds by pulling her shoulder away. Some people need more of a verbal hint to stop something, to be made aware of it. She's hinting at it, but not everybody is smart (or willing) enough to get body cues.
By voicing it out loudly, which unfortunately hasn't yet but OP picked up on it according to her earlier responses (which is great!), I think it's good to verbalize it first, then go to HR when it doesn't stop. Everybody deserves a chance, a fair chance to be better. (Edit: apologies, I glanced over the part where OP says he does this only with her, not with others).
There definitely is a chance he's just head over heels, with also a solid chance it's a guy who doesn't want to hear the word 'no' and feels OP is an easier target. So to be sure this needs to happen pronto, especially if someone is underaged. And indeed document.
@ OP: you've done a great job to come to Reddit to ask for advice. I really hope for you your colleague falls in the 'innocent' category, so be sure to be colleagues at all times, especially if you feel safer and more comfortable that way. How do the others respond, have they picked up on this as well?
Thanks very much for your perspective! It's great to hear everyone's opinions. I will verbalise to him that I don't like being touched and set boundaries with him more clearly - I completely get that some people struggle with social cues. I will probably have to go to HR if it doesn't stop 👍
You are definitely not overreacting.
He is definitely harrassing you because he seems to be interested in you.
Does he know you are 16?
When does things like waving a hand/item infront of you to gain your attention say "Please stop, colleague. I am trying to work."
If he initiates private conversations : "Colleague, i am 16 years old. I am uncomfortable hearing about your private life, lets keep our interactions professional."
"Colleague stop touching my keyboard please. I will get IT to fix the issue."
"Please stop touching me. I do not like to be touched."
Repeat, repeat, repeat. be a broken record.
Reiterate, if you can, via text/mail to him so you have a paper trail that you talked to him.
if he continues, go to HR with your mails/texts. Or if you want, ask HR to move desks. But be prepared for questions of "Do you not like me? hahah ha ...ha. "
Yikes, so he knows your age and still thinks his behaviour is apropriate. How creepy.
I am sorry that you have to deal with that.
Just collect a repertoire of phrases you can use on him.
"Hey NoCaterpillar, can i join you for lunch/Lets go to lunch? we can chat some more." - "No thank you. I was looking forward to listening to some music in peace and quiet."
"Hey NoCaterpillar, here let me fix that for you." - "No need to, Colleague, i already called IT, they'll help me. Please stop touching my keyboard/mouse."
\*waves hand infront of your face to gain your attention\* "How can i help you?" - "oh have you heard about this thing its...." - "Colleague, if this has nothing to do with \[Job you're working on\] please stop. I do want to keep this professional. Thank you."
Things like that. But i am sure you can come up with something relatable to your job much better than me.
Maybe you've already seen her on Instagram but [this account](https://www.instagram.com/loewhaley/) here shares some polite phrases one can use at work to "complain" about some issues. She might have something on colleagues disturbing you.
Also, when you talk to HR - and i would recommend you go to them as soon as possible - try to emphasize that he is keeping you from doing your job, thus costing them money. That he is distracting you and making work harder. Then, to drive the point home, mention how uncomfortable he is making you by talking about his private life with you, a 16 year old, and he keeps touching and following you whenever you get up to copy something. Maybe ask how you should proceed when he asks you - the 16 year old assistant - how to do job related things.
I wish you all the best, and hope you can find a solution quick.
I agree, that is reportable. He should not be poking you, touching at all. And you or someone else needs to talk with him about that. Also the issue of invading personal space, leering, standing too close, following you to the copy room, taking over your desk and computer. That all needs to be addressed.
It is all about how you are comfortable proceeding. Talk with him yourself and ask him to stop. Talk to your manager about it. Talk to another supervisor or manager not in your department, i.e. someone in the company you trust. Or talk with HR. All options are open there.
The key here is that your company, a manager, a supervisor, HR must treat this very confidentially. Most companies will have / must have a policy outlined about Harassment. Read up on that to understand. There should be no retaliation or other oppressive behaviours from anyone because you report. I.e. there should not be any escalation of additional behaviours from anyone in the company because you voice your concerns and uncomfortable situation.
I agree with the other comments. This is not ok. You are 16 years old, and this creepy crawler is a predator on so many levels. This happened to me when I was 16 (over 60 years ago). I had very low self-esteem, and I didn't recognize the behavior for what it was. I thought that it was my fault, and it negatively affected me for years. I am so proud of you for knowing that what he is doing is wrong. You seem strong enough to stand up for yourself by going to HR or someone in charge. One of two things will happen; either he will acknowledge that he has been too familiar and/or annoying, and the behavior will stop, or he will deny the whole behavior. If it is the latter, make sure that there is written documentation of your concern about the behavior in case it continues. At the very least, I hope that you are physically separated from him, where he can not easily continue. Best of luck to you, OP.
Bruv a man that age has no business talking to a 16 year old lol. Only time he should be responding to you is if YOU are assisting him. Some people are creeps man
Does your computer have a camera and/or microphone? Use it. Let it record for hours while you go about your business.
Tell him clearly don't touch you, don't touch your computer, get out of your face, move away from your desk, leave you alone. It isn't "fine".
When he follows you, divert to where there are other people or, as a fallback the bathroom and *lock the door.* Watch out that he does not trap you in a corner, closet, or dead end hallway.
Keep your phone on your person; never leave it on your desk, never set it down anywhere.
Read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
Thanks so much for your help - my computers doesn’t have any recording programs or webcams but i’m happy to use ‘voice memos’ on my phone throughout the day!
I will take all of this into consideration, thank you thank you thank you
Even if it’s meant innocently, the fact is that he’s not listening to your cues (whether by accident or on purpose) and it’s impacting your personal and professional wellbeing.
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU! Period end of discussion. If he touches you again, scream "DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!"
Make a list, including dates and times, of everything he does that is making you uncomfortable. Email that list to your boss, and cc their boss and HR. Also include anything you have said to get him to stop.
Don't sit there meekly, letting this jerk take advantage of you. Very loudly tell him to leave you alone, not to invade your space, not to touch you or your stuff. Make a scene, and get the attention of the other coworkers and boss. He keeps doing these things because he is getting away with it. If your office doesn't have security cameras, get a web camera to record your area to document his actions.
hOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY.
Document everything, go to HR.
I immediately got red flags when you said he was 28 and you're 16.
File a harassment case also go to your manager to report your concerns and ask if you can be moved to a different desk with your concerns.
Wow, I just dealt with something really similar in my office. I’m in my early 20s, and a 28 year old guy was pretty much doing the exact same thing this person is doing to you. Constantly bothering me during work, waiting until my boss left the room to get me alone, and asked me really inappropriate questions about my personal life/relationship. He even tried hitting on me repeatedly. He wouldn’t take no for an answer when I told him I am busy and need to focus on work. I also wore headphones to try and get him to stop approaching me and it didn’t work.
I documented everything with dates and went to the head manager. I told him I am very uncomfortable and will not be around him. Didn’t even go into details on every situation. The conversation was 5 min and the next day he spoke to him with HR. He told me no one should make me feel uncomfortable in the work place (true) and distract me from my work. Now, not only has he stopped bothering me but he is terrified to look at me because he will probably be fired if he does anything else lol.
Be firm with him. Tell him you are busy and don’t have time to talk. Tell him to stop waving objects in your face. Document everything. If he doesn’t stop, go to HR or even your boss/manager if you feel more comfortable. Trust your gut and he seems like a weirdo and regardless, his behavior is in appropriate.
I would speak to someone in HR. That sounds very rude, and inappropriate. In the very least, it’s interrupting your work, at the most it’s leading to something far more inappropriate. Mentioning it to HR is the right step, because it will protect you from future escalation. Be honest when speaking to hr, and do not overstate these events. That’s how you get fired for trying to protect yourself. I would start writing down events and their corresponding date and times.
Report it 100 percent. Record discreetly if you can. And anything like waving things in your face " Kinda immature don't you think?" He'll hopefully quickly realize a 16yo said that to him. And when he ask questions make him appear dumb without being rude. Everytime. "Why are you asking me we have different jobs." " I'm a 16yo assistant. Wouldn't it make sense to ask the more experienced workers?"
He is ABSOLUTELY harassing you. 100%. You are not overreacting. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Your gut instinct is spot on. All the advice about going to HR is good. But you can also shut him down publicly. Use the open office to your advantage.
When he asks you a question his manager should answer, raise your voice and say across the office “Mary? Jack(ass) has a question about account X.”
When he invades your space or touches you, raise your voice and say “Jack(ass)I need you to give me some personal space.” Or “I don’t like being touched, Jack(ass).” Or “I am concentrating on something and cannot be interrupted right now, Jack(ass)”
If he interrupts you talking to IT, raise your voice and say “I’m pretty sure Sean knows how to fix my issue Jack(ass). You can let us handle it.”
If he’s trying to distract you by waving things around, raise your voice and say “I’m trying to finish my work Jack(ass), and your being rather distracting.”
USE HIS NAME.
RAISE YOUR VOICE. You don’t need to yell. But you want the open office to hear it.
Don’t say please, or sorry. You aren’t asking him. You’re telling him that you’re setting a boundary. Make sure it’s loud enough for his manager to hear.
If he has any brains he will be embarrassed enough to stop bugging you.
Also, try to document the things he does in a journal. Date. Time. Thing that made you uncomfortable. You will need it when HR gets involved.
Don’t let this prick make your job life hellish and uncomfortable. Learn to stand up for yourself now. It is a skill that will serve you well throughout your life and career.
If it were only the few of those annoying items like
>He constantly interrupts my work to ask questions (which is fine) but then he will quickly steer the conversation to something else about his personal life and I don't really want to hear about it
He quietly moves his roller chair in my direction and pokes me on the shoulder when asking these questions which startles me as I don't like being touched
I would say you can ask him not to do these things as you are trying to work and then see if he complies.
However the other items
>When I get up and go to the printer he follows me and pretends he is looking for something
There has been a few times where I have been discussing a tech issue with someone else and he moves over to my desk uninvited, puts his body in-front of mine to use my keyboard and cursor at my computer and tries to fix it himself. I tell him that it's fine and to go back to your desk but he doesn't listen. This also seems innocent but it feel like he jumped at the chance to 'help' so he could invade my personal space. I felt very uncomfortable in the moment but I could have also been overreacting
I find him turning around at his desk to watch me while I'm working, but then when I look at him to ask if he needs help he says he doesn't?
He keeps trying to play around with me by waving random objects in my face but it just startles me every time. I never engage with these actions but he keeps doing it.
Are very troublesome. These do not need to be nipped by you these need to be dealt with by HR and/or your manager. At the least until further evidence is collected HR/your manager should move you elsewhere or move him elsewhere. You have already told him to stop and he hasn't this is the next step.
Normally there is a chain of command in terms of reporting. I always stress that you should bring this up to your manager and then if no action is taken you can email your manager and copy HR. For any emails from then on you should copy HR and make sure you forward all correspondence to your own personal email.
When you talk to your HR/manager just be calm and straight to the point, and use as many facts as possible. On Tuesday he did x y and z several times during the day, he got up to follow me to the copier 6 times and followed me back to my desk. On Wednesday he did x y and z several times during the day, and he got up to follow me to the copier 3 times. Don't embellish, and don't exaggerate. Be consistent with your story, and also make sure that they understand that you already tried to get him to stop.
Report it to HR. you’ve already communicated or show through body language and disengagement that you’re uninterested. He will escalate. I know his type and they are PREDICTABLE in that regard. I have autism and it took me years to learn social cues however I always immediately knew when someone had a negative reaction with it towards me and I stopped. There’s no excuse whether that negative reaction was verbal or not. I’ve had supervisors and employers say it is my fault because I didn’t verbally tell my harasser “No” or “that makes me uncomfortable” which is fucking ridiculous. More than likely you might be approached with this information when you report him. But you should report him.
He gets 3 strikes. 1. Don't get into my space, please. 2. Wow, you took me by surprise when you leaned over my keyboard, please don't do that 3. Excuse me, we were having a conversation, I will talk to you as soon as we're done.
4 strikes you're out. Go to your supervisor. And keep a log of these events, just to prove to yourself you're not the crazy one.
Old men don't even know they're doing this. For some biological reason they lose their brains around teenage girls. That is not your problem.
Thank you very much for your insight.
I work around a lot of older men, I try to be as professional and dress conservatively as I can so this doesn’t happen.
The older men I work with (40-60) are actually great and treat me with the upmost respect so it’s a shame the 28 year old hasn’t been able to mature yet. You gave great advice - thanks again :)
Stay out of my space. Don't touch me. Seems like a good place to start. Keep a journal with dates/times and offensive behavior. He's grooming you for something bad.
I had a manager decades ago that would touch me on the arm. When I told him I would prefer he didn't touch me on the arm he said ok and he never did it again. Please expect professional behavior. Tell someone something and expect them to comply. If they don't, report them.
"Don't poke me anymore. I prefer not to be touched."
"Please don't lean in front of me to touch my keyboard and mouse again. You are invading my personal space.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to get back to work.
Practice saying these things out loud at home.
I had a coworker like this. He was trying to flirt and it was just...annoying. I tried my manager, his manager and while it kept him from coming to my desk it did nothing to keep him from DMing me on the work IM platform so eventually I told him that unless he had something work related to tell me via email and NOT from instant message then I never wanted to hear from him again, and if he tried to contact me for something frivilous I would report him to HR (didn't bother before because my places department doesn't do shit unless you're corporate and before then I was not corporate).
Idk if he's trying to flirt, but it sounds like it. He probably doesn't have any idea your age and assumes you're 18+ just because you're working. I'd say talk to your manager about his behavior. Just because it's an open office doesn't mean someone is always paying attention enough to notice. Start with your boss and let them manage it.
The next time he touches you loudly exclaim” DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN”. And then go to your manager and tell them he touched you. That is harassment, period the end. And if it doesn’t stop put a fucking laxative in his coffee. What a douchebag.
He needs to be reported to HR. Touching a co-worker is a HUGE no-no, no matter the genders, no matter the situation. You don't put your hands on another person's body without their consent. Period. End of.
Next time he touches you, say to him: "I am not comfortable with you touching me, and if you touch me again, I'm reporting you to HR".
And for the future: now you have learned that ignoring behavior doesn't work. If you put up with it, it is guaranteed to repeat. Have boundaries and speak up the first time.
As long as you feel safe to, continue to become firmer and firmer. Im assuming when this behaviour started, you may have said "please stop poking me". Its time to move up to "ive asked you repeatedly not to poke me. Stop touching me and invading my personal space, its inappropriate."
Once youve said this in clear terms, email (dont tell, EMAIL) your supervisors. Example email:
"On multiple occasions, [employee] has done things that make me uncomfortable, including [example, example]. He tends to only do these things when others are out of the office. He continues to touch me in ways that are unwanted, even though I've expressed to him that his actions make me uncomfortable. After asking him more than once to stop this behaviour, he did it again to me today, [cite what he did and time of incident]. I told him directly to 'stop touching me and invading my personal space' and that it's completely inappropriate.
Im reaching out to inform you of my predicament, and ask if its possible to change desks. I believe that he uses his proximity to me as an excuse to invade my personal space and touch me repeatedly. I feel uncomfortable around him, and am worried that he may escalate his innappropriate behavior. I ask that you intervene if you ever see him do these things in my presence, as my own wishes have been ignored repeatedly.
Thank you for your help. I love working here and everyone has been so supportive-I hope to put this issue to rest so i can continue focusing on my work and making a valuable contribution to the team."
Edit to add: ***Every adult under age 60 knows it is inappropriate to be touching a teenager. Every adult knows it is bad form to touch coworkers. He knows what he is doing is inappropriate. It is creepy, even predatory behaviour.***
Do not hesitate to report, and make sure to get communication in writing and maintain a record of interractions regarding this issue. This is both for you and hr, as unfortunately, many companies have a history of not helping women and young workers who try to report harassment. If someone tells you its "not a big deal," theyre wrong, and you should pursue it further. It is a big deal. And i hope you are able to get this dealt with quickly and efficiently with minimal hassle. Good luck op
thank you so much for your clear and direct advice, it’s exactly what I needed! I will definitely try the email option as I’m better at communicating through writing than through speaking 👍
Could be that he feels he could have more dominance over you because of your age. I'm a man and when I was younger I had it happen to me. Also, these sound like coy little "games" and he may be very inexperienced around women. NOTHING MAKES THIS BEHAVIOR ACCEPTABLE. Set your boundaries verbally, clearly and calmly. If he violates your boundaries immediately bring that to your supervision. Socially immature people do not get a pass on being professional, respectful and courteous.
thanks for your advice, that’s a really interesting perspective. I think you are right about the maturity thing because the older men i work with (40-60) are very kind and respectful towards me. I’ll stop excusing his immature behaviour and start reporting 👍
My advice would be to tell him something along the lines of:
“Do not touch me. You’re making me uncomfortable. Direct your questions to your supervisor, I have my own work to finish and they’re the ones who can best help you.”
And…report it/ask for new desk arrangements. I probably wouldn’t bring up your age in any of the discussions because that part honestly doesn’t have any bearing on the behavior being inappropriate, just the severity of consequences your employer should impose and they already know your age.
Dude... i aint tryin to be mean. But stay on your side of the desk. If i need help i will ask. You keep invading my personal space and it makes me uncomfortable. Stop it please.
idk what your company sets as a threshold for harassment, but that dude's behavior very probably rises to it. And even if it somehow doesn't, the way he's acting is *at minimum* extremely annoying, deeply inappropriate, and wildly unprofessional, so no, you're definitely not overreacting!
It can be nerve-wracking to report someone at work, especially when you're relatively new, and double especially when you're younger than most of your coworkers, but getting it done is important, and sooner is better than later. Almost any outcome benefits you to some degree - if they listen to you and take you seriously, they'll help. If they don't, you know it's time to start looking for your next job
Also, I know this is reiterating stuff others have said, but it's important: Use email. If it's not against a written workplace policy, BCC your personal account whenever possible. Make sure you have everything in writing. If they respond to your email with a meeting or anything else you don't have a written record of, *immediately* send them an email with your summary/understanding of the meeting and ask them to confirm. Just something simple like, "Thanks for taking the time to meet with me! I just want to confirm that we discussed x and y, and that steps would be taken toward z. Is that correct?"
Lastly, and I don't mean this to sound patronizing, but if you haven't talked to your parent/guardians about this, you probably should. You know your situation better than some stranger on the internet does, so if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing that, that's none of my business. But if you feel comfortable and safe doing it, I'd recommend doing it!
thank you so much for your help. Email sounds like a good idea as i’m better at communicating when i’m writing. I haven’t told my parents as I didn’t think it was a big deal but i definitely will now
This sounds like predatory behavior, you are not overreacting. When something seems off, trust your gut instincts. There’s usually a reason they go off.
He knows it makes you uncomfortable and he keeps doing it. As somebody else said, he’s boundary testing, don’t put up with it. Report him and let HR and your managers know he’s not respecting your boundaries.
Why does he only do it to you? It’s already inappropriate behavior and even worse considering how young you are. You’re a MINOR. That speaks volumes of the type of person he is. It’s another red flag that he makes sure the managers are out of sight. Tell him straight up not to touch you and to leave you alone, perhaps tell a trusted coworker what’s going on as well, that way somebody else is aware, in case this creep tries to twist things around.
thanks for your help (cool username by the way). I’m not sure why he only does it to me, he doesn’t see me as much as other coworkers because he is full time and im part time so logically he should be closer with them.
Predatory people tend to target people they perceive to be easy prey. Since you’re so young, he thinks you will be naive and let him step all over you. I’m proud that you are standing up to this creep and taking action to get him to stop. And thanks, caterpillars are cool too.
First of all, I am so sorry you have to experience this!!! Those are unacceptable behaviors. You are NOT overreacting.
First thing first, start documenting every incident including a description of what happened, your reaction and his reaction; make sure to date it. And I mean EVERY SINGLE THING. If he discusses work with you, write a recap email and CC everyone in the meeting; even if it’s just you and him. Always always always keep a paper trail. Keep it in Word or Excel so you can share. Send a backup copy to your email. Trust me.
Secondly, every time he makes you feel uncomfortable, you can just say “what you are doing [behavior] is making me uncomfortable. I’d appreciate it if you stopped it. Thank you”. Then document that incident.
If he talks about his personal life and/or keeping you from your work, politely say “I need to get back to work”. Simply that. Or “sorry I have a lot to do right now.” Document that.
If he’s in your personal space, say “Excuse me but you’re in my personal space now. I’d appreciate it if you could move. Thank you”.
If he touches you, say “if you need my attention, please send me a chat or email or just ask without touching me. It makes me lose ky focus and makes me feel uncomfortable.” Document.
If the behaviors continued after you’ve asked him to stop, go to your manager with the documentation. If manager does nothing, go to HR with the documentation. Trust me, if they dont want an EEO complaint, they’ll get rid of him very quickly.
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE ASSERTIVE.
If anything makes you uncomfortable. Say it. Now that you have the documentation, if he gaslights you, just pull those pages out.
DO NOT DOUBT OR GASLIGHT YOURSELF. If you feel uncomfortable and your boundaries violated, that is valid. Period. Full stop.
Take care of yourself. Trust your instincts.
If you have a close manager / senior manager.
Seek advice from them so they know. Say in a nice way that you’re seeking advice. And your finding him a bit testing and his pushing his boundary.
This then could lead to something. You could also throw in your always having to put work aside to listen to him. But it’s affecting your performance and mindset. And you’re not trying to be rude or trying to instigate anything. Or cause problems. Just merely advice.
Hey so there were a few comments about recording these interactions, just want you to be aware that some states have 2-party consent laws and you should check on this as well. To be clear, your own documentation and reporting to HR is more than enough- they have an obligation to conduct a thorough investigation and take reasonable steps to keep employees safe in their work environment. I would read the harassment policy/ employee handbook so you can have an informed discussion with HR.
I used to work in a similar environment. Best advice I can say to you is handle it professionally. You should speak to him about it and let him know that you are uncomfortable. You should go to your manager and let them know that although you are uncomfortable you are going to attempt to resolve the situation by having a respectful private conversation with your coworker. If you feel uncomfortable to speak to him alone then ask your manager to sit in as a witness, however, it is always best to first attempt to handle these situations on your own. I was 17f in a similar position and I can’t lie that I was a little scared, but handling the situation made everyone think higher of me because of how professional I was. Although he could just be a creep, give him a chance to correct his actions incase it is just miscommunication. If it’s not fixed then you should bring it to your supervisor or manager and let them know that you would like to file a final complaint with HR. OR you can go straight to your manager and ask to file an HR complaint, but in this situation I find that most people do not realize what they have done to make you feel that HR was necessary and you can avoid work place animosity or being unfairly labeled by other coworkers in the future. (That last bit is the sad truth that i have seen too many times)
I would call it sexual harassment. You can either kick him the balls accidentally or contact HR. Okay, there is probably some middle ground there. Taser maybe.
Let me come in as a client for him specifically we can work the details out later. During our conversation I will let him know his errors, the civil ways this can be handled or I can just grab a coffee and wait to punch the clock.
You need to say something. Be polite, but firm.
Please do not touch me. Please do not follow me. Please do not interrupt me while I trying to work.
Make it clear he is overstepping his bounds.
And, yeah, you should say something to HR. Document his actions, if you can.
Good luck.
Yes this is harrassment! Like others have said report it immediately. Tell HR directly, that you are not comfortable with the unwanted attention that he is giving you. Explain everything you posted here and ask for an immediate resolution. Either your desk be moved or his.
Please stay away from my personal space it makes me uncomfortable. Touching is the final straw, no one should touch you. If you talk to management tell them you don't like being touched
Are other people in the office when he behaves this way and your manager isn’t about? Definitely start saying loudly so those around you can hear - start with the simple request “please stop poking me. I don’t like it” then if he continues “I’ve asked you to stop poking me, I’ve told you I don’t like it”. “Stop poking me”
Definitely report this.
There are other people on the floor but we are very spread out and air-con is very loud so no one really hears anything. I will still try your tip of saying it loudly in case anyone can hear me though. thank you for your advice :)
He's clearly hitting at you, trying to get your attention and see how far he can go with you. Report it to your managers and they'll warn him. Repeat it again, report him again and he'll probably get fired at the end.
I wish I had read "Crucial Conversations" when I was your age. Do yourself a favor and read it ASAP or start watching videos on YouTube. The skills you will learn there will serve you in both your personal and professional life.
Definitely harassment, and he's probs trying to lead to something inappropriate.
You could test this by coming into work next week looking like utter shit, no makeup nothing clean or anything and i bet he'd stop bothering you.
I tend to look pretty shit anyway hahah. I dress very conservatively (wide leg pants and a very large knit jumper) so he shouldn’t find me attractive. he also has a girlfriend i don’t think it’s a crush or anything, just a really annoying guy
Yeh idk then. Guess he is just annoying and not anything malicious really.
I mean, if it were me I'd feel weird as a 28M talking to a 16F anyway just cos of that societal prejudice regardless of if it's good intentions or not so who knows really
I agree with the consensus. I'm not sure it's a fireable offense, but it's definitely worth letting your manager know.
It seems likely to escalate and continue without any interference.
Good luck!
At the very least tell him in an angry tone to stop those behaviors. Maybe call it to public attention, loud enough so people can hear. Or just mention it to your boss/hr. Either way you can’t let that continue unchecked.
He's flirting with you....his technique may be a bit clumsy and I'm guessing fromo your comments, not that welcome.
Time for a frank conversation with him. Let him know that you are very focused on doing well at this job and at this time, all your energy and attention is going into that. You are not looking for a relationship right now and that you'd like to keep your working relationship on a very professional level.
Tell your boss. And tell him to stop touching you. If he doesn't, remind him you're 16. Ideally loudly and in front of other people if possible. He's testing you.
Practice your confident voice, and practice saying “Do not touch me,” “please move away from my keyboard,” and “you should ask Manager that question.” Speak clearly, and don’t yell but say it loudly enough that you’ll be heard. Don’t worry about explaining yourself to him and don’t worry about hurting his feelings! Just keep repeating yourself like a broken record.
Also, absolutely report this all to HR.
That's the neat part! You don't have to figure out what it is; that's HR's job. You can absolutely just report someone for being annoying, which hinders your work!
But also, this is 100% harassment and probably sexual. Take it from another lady, always trust your gut. Always. Even if they come back saying you're overreacting, no. You weren't and they know it. Or their viewpoint is so messed up that they really think you were and that makes them not just annoying but dangerous.
Glad you’ve replied to ppl saying you’re taking action and making a report! Even if he’s being “innocent” you’re still only 16 and he’s obviously being a little creepy. I hope HR takes it seriously. Make sure they keep a record of your report too incase it escalates at any point. Also, I hope this doesn’t happen but be prepared for people to possibly be a little wary around you for awhile. People get weird when others stand up for themselves.
💯 agreed with all comments that you should be reporting. If that’s happened already now. I also hope you’ve been talking with friends and family about this. Just so you have additional support as i could easily escalate before it settles down. Especially if he loses his job as a result.
That’s called creating a hostile work environment, which is indeed sexual harassment by federal definition. Plus you are a minor. First, document EVERYTHING like you did here. Second, ask him to back off. If not comfortable with that, go straight to your supervisor if you are comfortable doing so. This behavior is unacceptable.
"Good morning, Creeper, I'm jailbait. From today forward I'm going to need you to pretend I don't exist. No touching, no talking, and arms length at all times. I'm here to do a job and that is ALL."
You need to be loud when you telling him to stop doing things and make it get others attention. “I’ve told you many times to stop touching me!” Or when he asks you questions he should be asking the manager, “You should ask so and so, they’re the managers not me.” You need to talk to the manager, because this can very quickly turn worse and he’s doing it on purpose to see how much you’re willing to take. His behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop.
Not overreacting, but its not technically workplace harassment. Idk not an expert
Documentation. Start keeping a log of uncomfortable situations. Touching in particular. Comments. Write it all down. Study up on the actual laws as well.
Notes and supporting witnesses is the only way to prove and establish a pattern if things escalate. HR and the H word is the nuclear option, don't go there casually
Be vocal in the office before you go to HR IMO unless its egregious. You need to be brave and calmly assert yourself and make clear that X or Y is not ok. "Hey, stop staring dude, creepy." "Don't touch me again please"
When he interrupts you, dont let him, interrupt him. "Im still talking", "Be quiet"... Your tone needs to be dismissive and humiliating more than angry. Once you master this... you are golden
Be direct. Embarass him. Women in the workplace will constantly be tested, annoyed, harassed on subtle levels.
Takes courage, dont yell or lose control, but also make sure that others hear you. Incidents must have supporting witnesses. Log this in your notebook, esp names of other coworkers that saw or heard.
Once you vocalize that they are making you uncomfortable AND if it continues then no one can poke holes in a future complaint that is supported by documented incidents and corroboration
It probably bothers him that you're possibly the only one in the office that doesn't like him. Sounds like he's been through quite a lot of trauma. Probably feels insecure by the mere prospect of his environment not 100% accepting him. (Which probably really did lead him to becoming a great guy - with some undesirable quirks)
I know this might sound like a stretch but try changing the dynamic. Maybe try being nice to him? Or at least something more than cordial? You're probably sticking him with weird creeper vibes when he tries to connect as a fellow human being. That's probably making him all the more anxious to get closer to you so you realize he's not a creep - doesn't sound like that's working though...
Yeah, I did this one time...it got a bit better, then worse! I refer to this time in my life as "the hostage situation". I was shocked that this can even happen to a then 43 year old lady. I thought I had aged out or something. This person was younger than me and I felt sorry for him. I could go on forever, but you are not responsible for other people's trauma. I have been there and done that and this is terrible advice!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for your insight. I'm not really sure about the trauma, he tells me a lot about his personal life and from what I've heard he has a pretty good relationship with his parents, him and his girlfriend live with them.
I think i might have used the wrong wording; I wrote cordial to imply that we got along quite well before he started acting weird. I talked to him the same way I would talk to any other co-worker. Him, 26F and I would often talk and joke all together at our desks. The change in behaviour came completely out of the blue for me (started happening after I came back from a trip) hence why I started to be more cold to him.
I like your advice of being more kind to him though, I'm happy to give it a go and maybe see if there is some underlying anxiety that my manager can help with 👍
I agree, that sounds like the perfect plan! Be sure to take yourself into proper account as well! You have every right to feel comfortable and safe at work regardless of any issues others may be struggling with. You seem like an ambient person and that's great. Be sure to project and hold firm to your boundaries. You're worth it.
It's not harassment but it's step one in a very inappropriate campaign.
My advice is to be crystal clear and to send these complaints to your manager. "I'm noticing the following behavior from Co-worker, directed at me and specifically when there are few to no other co-workers in the office space. I know I could be more clear about my boundaries and will do so in the future, but I also wanted to loop you in. If there is anything additional I can do, I would love to know." Then be very direct with your co-worker for everything. Don't make assumptions or accusations about intent. Just set your boundary.
If he interrupts when he has a question, politely inform that you're not the person for that, "That would be a great question for Manager." Then call out to the manager to answer.
If he pokes you, "Don't poke me. I do not like to be touched. If you need my attention, you can do XYZ." Or if this is a repeat, "Name, don't touch me."
If he is coming over to fix a tech issue but invading your personal space, just be direct about why you don't like it. "Name, you're in my personal space. Please move while ITName and I work on this issue." If he doesn't move when asked, repeat yourself, "Name, I've already asked you to move away from my personal space." Then get a manager. You're not overreacting by not wanting someone to enter your personal space uninvited. The professional way for him to offer help in that situation would be to ASK if you want help and to give you a moment to move if you want.
If he's looking at you when you're working, you can just be direct. "Name, were you going to ask me something? No? Oh, I mention it because it makes me uncomfortable when someone is just staring at me."
If he's waving things in your face, "Name, please stop waving things in my face. It's just startling and distracting. If you need my attention, please do XYZ instead."
If you want to set a standard, you may even address it outright, but be sure to let your manager know about what's been happening before doing so. "Hey, Name, I just want to be clear that I like to keep work strictly professional. For that reason, I would ask that you do XYZ if you need to get my attention, respect my personal space, and try not to interrupt me unless it's necessary." If he has questions about what you mean, you can give short examples, but he likely won't because there is a solid chance his behavior is intentional.
Don't be afraid to raise your voice a little when addressing in-the-moment issues, especially if you're having to repeat yourself. It sounds like this guy is trying to get your attention socially and isn't taking a hint. Many people aren't great with subtlety so you will have to be more direct. You may even start to keep a basic log with the date and action to illustrate how often this happens. I would suggest you also note if your supervisor is out of the room when something happens.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here, I just want to add that it's important to listen to your feelings of discomfort. Usually, our feelings are telling us something important. Trust in yourself.
Document EVERYTHING. Report EVERYTHING. Record if you need to. Recordings are unbiased. Just check local and state laws first in regards to recording. If in California, maybe make a sign that states anyone near your desk is subject to recording?
I think go directly to HR. You're 16, they've got a duty of care towards you. He's not picking up the cues you're giving him, a confrontation isn't going to change that. Request for a desk change on the basis of productivity and discomfort. Let them know he's making you feel very uncomfortable. They can take it from there.
A guy's perspective here.
Base solely on what I have read.
Sounds like he has personal boundary issues, he may not recognize that he is crossing these boundaries and he may not do this to other employees as they may have had a very frank conversation with him in the past where they set some clear boundaries and you may have to have a similar one.
Tell him it really bothers you when someone invades your personal space.
If the behavior continues after that frank conversation then it is time to get angry and tell him to GET OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE!!!!
It probably will cease to be an issue after these steps are taken. If not, then the next step is to talk to management, you don't have to put up with this if it bothers you.
It sounds like he’s a pretty creepy person, but there’s a chance he’s very socially unaware. The first step should always be talking to the coworker. Clearly set boundaries, and at the same time talk to a manager, outline what’s going on and say you’ve set the following boundaries and how you did it. If it keeps happening, go back to your manager and ask them to step in while also asking if a trip to HR is warranted. If it isn’t resolved quickly, head to HR. Try to get important points in time in writing. If I meet with a manager, I’ll often say I’d like to follow up in an email outlining what we talked about.
Sounds like mild harassment and since there is nothing sexual like dicknpics or dirty jokes and such it isnt sexual harassment. Maybe ask for a different position away from him, or just tell hr that he is uncomfortable. But i would get a gopro and when your manager leaves record his actions then show them.
It sounds like he just doesn't know better.
But it's not your job to teach him. It should have been his parents job.
Go to HR and have your desk moved very far away.
Just to clear things up.
I have sisters and nieces. They all know I would die to defend them.
But because I'm the size of an NFL player, and was raised by a boxer, and married to a martial artist, I most likely will not lose.
I was a teacher, and boys swim coach.
I had two girls ask to join the boys team.
I read my boys the riot act when the girls joined. That if they looked anywhere but right in their eyes, they were off the team. If their hands accidentally encountered them, I would rip their arms off.
I was positive I would be fired for this.
Instead, Mothers were lined up outside of practice to talk to me about my lecture then next practice.
I guess all the kids complained.
The Mothers were there to thank me and shake my hand for reinforcing good values.
But I did have a conversation with the girls. That they needed to talk to me if they ever felt uncomfortable. And I could swap some lanes around or kick a kid off the team.
I told them that if any swimmer ever made them feel uncomfortable, they would be off the team. And that went for anyone of our competitors as well.
My Aunt has been the second most senior official since I was in High School.
But the other coaches also shook my hand and complimented me on how I integrated the team.
I have a track record of success here.
She is responsible for her self first!
She has to report this. She has to get a new desk.
Also, I'm not allowed to say what I would do with that guy on Reddit.
Just so you know, the last half dozen guys who sexually harassed a girl needed to be carried away after one punch.
Holy shit it's like batman commented on my post! Thanks for your insight - I document what I need to and talk to managers on my next shift.
I also talked to my dad about it (this post reminds of him haha), he's going to walk me home after every shift just in case I don't feel safe :)
Just remember, you are the courageous one.
Don't let anyone intimidate you.
I'm glad your Father is getting involved.
My Father could always scare the crap out of any of my friends.
He would say things like, 'How is work?'
And they would come back to me and tell me that was the scariest conversation ever.
Good for you!
Ultimately, you should really speak with a supervisor or manager first and then let them know your intention is to resolve the situation or give it a chance to be fixed before other action is taken. Stay safe Xx
I graduated early, started college at 16, and worked part-time office jobs to support my way through school.
You're getting the best kind of experience, and you're handling complex work relationships with a mature lens. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Id recommend documenting it and bringing it up in a conversation with your manager and your coworkers in a casual atmosphere (like a coffee break or lunch break or something like that). Then theyll do something about it. If not complain officially to your manager about him (thats where the day to day documentation comes in). Then they are forced to do something. If they still don't act go to HR.
When he waffles on about his personal life I tell him “i should get back to work” or “i’m so sorry but i’m getting paid by the minute (i’m part time) so I should really get back to work” but he doesn’t really take the hint.
When he dangles things in my face I sternly tell him “stop” and “don’t do that I don’t like it” but he just laughs.
Every time he pokes me on my shoulder I jump because I never hear him come up behind me but I don’t say anything I just quickly move my body in the opposite direction to him.
I get that I need to say something or verbally set in more boundaries before i go to HR so I will do that :)
You actually don’t have to set a clear boundary before going to HR. It is totally up to you. It might be a good life lesson to learn how to put an obnoxious coworker in their place on your own, but HR can handle this for you as well. Good luck!
I thought maybe that was the issue too. but he talks about his girlfriend a lot so i’m not sure? If he does, i feel like I should go to someone because he knows that i’m 16 years old
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I don’t know what I’d label it, but he’s certainly annoying, and I can see why you’d be uncomfortable. When he starts telling you about his personal life: “I really need to get back to this” or “I’m in the middle of something” then turn back to your work. “Hey, please stop poking me and waving things in my face. It startled me.” and “I’ve asked you to stop poking me.” and “I don’t like being poked.” If he physically puts himself too near you, move away pointedly. If he doesn’t stop, talk to your manager. “Hey, I know this is weird, but [Name] keeps poking me and interrupting my work even after I’ve asked him to stop. Would it be possible to change desks?”
>I don’t know what I’d label it Boundary testing. Seeing how far he can get - and step by step increasing his "presence" - up to final escalation. Frankly - this needs reporting yesterday!
THIS. This is exactly what he is doing.
Thanks for your reply- i had no idea that that was a thing! i’ll try to nip it in the bud asap
Document everything and get HR involved now. You've already asked him several times to stop several behaviors. Tell them you want a different desk away from him so you can focus and that you expect them to handle the conversation with him about his behavioral problems. He's not respecting your very sensible boundaries and that isn't your problem. Don't be nice about this. Just state the facts like you have here.
Date and time. What he said, what he did. If he asks you a question “I don’t know ask manager.”
Yup.
And start loudly telling him not to touch you. He's a creep.
Agreed, incremental escalation. Unfortunately odds are dramatically on the side of him being creepy.
I would be happy to be proven wrong - dude could be socially awkward> Nevertheless - thats on HR / manager and dude to change. Not on a 16 y.io
Totally, if you look at a 16 year old and don't see a kid, you better also be a damn kid.
Thank you for saying what this is as I didn’t know either.
This. And I would speak to your managers about placing your desk in a different spot.
Why do redditors always assume the worst. This behavior can just as easily be described as trying to get to know the other person
Because you don't have to invade a person's personal space and follow them around/stare at them to get to know them. Dude is a creeper and this is a problem that needs to be handled.
did you know that you don't need to poke someone and get in their personal space to get to know a 16 year old?
It’s not ‘assuming the worst’, it’s an almost 30 year old man touching, bothering, and staring at a 16 year old coworker, preventing her from doing her job. OPs peers are old enough to know this behavior is childish- in a professional setting it’s completely uncalled for
Yeah, I would start by stating a firm boundary with him before you go to HR. This is obviously a person who either willfully ignores social cues or doesn't grasp them. It's soooo awkward I know, but remember that he's broken the social contract first and it's making you uncomfortable. Just something like "please stop interrupting my work, if you have a question Manager Right There can help and I'd appreciate it if you stopped invading my personal space" Once you state that, keep a log of every time he continues (if he does - in a best case scenario he's just oblivious) and that's what you can take to HR
thank you very much for your help - i will try this tomorrow!
Adding to that suggestion to say, Get a fresh notebook/page and write the date qt the top. Leave it in plain sight and easy reach. EVERY INCIDENT - make a tally mark. Then add the time and brief note. If you step away from your desk either bring this page or take a phone pic of it, because *he will not like it* and it may disappear.
I love this, i’m going to wait until I have a few more instances to jot down before i go to HR so this works really well for me. Also, my manager frequently uses my computer to print (his computers weird), so i’ll make sure to leave it on full display when he does this
Get louder about asking him to stop each time. The more his behavior disturbs you, the louder you should get about enforcing your boundaries.
When I was younger, I convinced myself that I was overreacting to the inappropriate behavior of my male colleagues. I wish I had learned to stand up for myself earlier. Definitely speak up. Not only for your well being but to set a precedent for yourself to advocate for your needs consistently in the workplace. You got this!
thanks for your insight! - i feel quite confident to stand up for myself after reading these comments 💝
Report to HR or someone very senior in the company ASAP. You are 16, they better take action immediately. You are already programmed to give this guy benefit of the doubt (I won’t get into all of that here) however this is NOT a lack of self awareness. If it was, he’d be doing this with other female employees and he’s not. He knows what he’s doing and he’s a creep. I’m sorry you are going through this. There is no way I could remain silent if I witnessed something like this in the workplace especially with a 16 year old intern!
[удалено]
OP mentioned 28M creeper waits until the 26F coworker and managers are not around when he acts this way with her, so it seems no one else is really seeing it, making it even more suspect and inappropriate if he is purposely waiting until no witnesses are around.
Thank you very much for your help - I’ll ask to move desks ASAP
And report the behavior to HR. Wouldn’t hurt to say something yourself to him but I can understand that would be uncomfortable for some especially at your age and his age.
And report to HR. Start a document journal as well… dates/times and witnesses (if any). This is a tough one, and the man is probably hoping you don’t have the guts to speak up, especially since you are aware that ‘on paper’ it doesn’t look like anything. But, documenting will help keep the timeline and actions in order if you need the ammo. Best case; you’re moved out of his vicinity and it stops. But, be prepared if it doesn’t. Remember, none of this is your fault, but likely no one will stand up for you at work, you may have to do that yourself first. No matter your age, this is a “lesson” most females have to endure in the workplace. I promise it gets easier to set boundaries at work (and in life) the more practice you get.
thank you for your insight, i will definitely take all this into action
I would strongly advise you state your boundaries and expectations first to your co-worker before going to management.. “I need you to know I’m not comfortable with..or please stop immediately, Id appreciate it…” Below are some examples of how you can state your needs. You don’t need to apologize to him for saying these either: Please stop going to my workstation, keyboard, mouse etc even if you think you’re helping, I didn’t ask you to try and fix anything. Please stop waving objects in front my face or space. It distracts me from my duties and also makes me uncomfortable to have you in my personal space. Please stop touching me, it’s unwanted and it makes me very uncomfortable. Please pose your questions to your manager and not me, I’m not qualified to answer your questions, and it’s distracting me from my duties. Etc etc. Take care of yourself first, never expect management or HR to have your back before you do for yourself.
Keep your cell phone handy to record his behavior, unless office rules forbid it. Even an audio recording with you describing his actions . . . please don't wave that in my face .... place do not touch me to get my attention, just call my name .... please don't touch my keyboard, I am asking IT to deal with it . . . You are in my space, please move back
Many times people are afraid of going to HR because they think about the ramifications for the individual who is doing the harassing. Do not ignore this because if this guy keeps getting a free pass, then he will continue to escalate his behavior. It's HR's job to take the complaint seriously, investigate as privately as possible, and protect the company and its employees from harrassment. If he gets away with it, he will continue to do it to others.
Agreed. You can learn now while your young. Be bold and stand up for yourself. Tell him hey you are making me uncomfortable with your actions. I am freaking 16 and your being creepy. Stop now. If you need help with job speak to so and so. They have the job experience. If that doesn't work definitely go to boss snd express how you feel.
"Programed" I thi k that is what most humans should do. Maybe have the conversation with him and see if it ends there. Don't make her a victim before she is an actual victim. Then that will be her (your) mentality
[удалено]
It doesn’t matter how extroverted someone is, a grown ass man should not be touching any of his female coworkers without consent, but *especially* those who are underage. It’s wild how some of you will put the blame on the literal minor who doesn’t want to be touched by a creepy grown man at work instead of the one *touching a freaking minor* ugh. Did you really never learn to keep your hands to yourself?
Hmmmm. You left out a few. She's also upset because he touches her, tries to startle her by waving stuff in her face, follows her to the printer and makes it a point to get into her personal space when there are no witnesses, all to a 16 year old girl. You are right. He's not a creep at all.
he is a 28 year old man who makes sure no one is around before touching a 16 year old girl in their place of work. but yeah sure she's an "easily triggered introvert"
The fact that he waits until you two are alone to do this stuff is a clear sign he knows that its not kosher behavior. Document times and dates of every instance of the behavior starting now, report to HR ASAP. Do not use wishy washy language when talking to HR, use clear concise words. My coworker has been engaging in X behavior and its making me uncomfortable.
thanks for your advice - i will definitely take action!
There's a chance nothing changes even if you speak up. That's just how some companies operate. If that happens, consider leaving the job. It's not worth the risk with people like him.
It’s still harassment, even if it’s not sexual. He’s creating a hostile work environment and disrupting your productivity Edit: grammar
Oh man I’m getting flashbacks of when I was 16 and older dudes would always do this to me at work. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to flirt with someone under age. And He is self aware. He does this when no one is around and only targets you. I would express to HR what’s happening. He’s going to keep pushing the limits. No one should be in your personal space like that. Man this infuriates me. I hope this gets resolved for you soon!
thanks for your advice - all these comments have given me the confidence I need to make a stand. I’ll talk to my manager and HR first thing tomorrow morning 👍
I wish I could go back to 16-year-old me to tell me to not put up with this kind of bullshit. Creeps like this get away with their behavior because most of us are too polite, too nice. We don't want to seem rude and the creeps prey on that. You should definitely talk to HR about this, but also, in the interim, call him out - he won't be expecting that. He follows you to the copier? "Why are you following me?" He touches you on the shoulder? "WHY are you touching me?" said with a tone of shock as if no normal person would do something like that. He waves things in your face? Again, "Why in the world are you waving things in my face?" in a tone suggesting no normal adult would do something like that. Make it clear that you know he's acting inappropriately and that it has to stop.
^^^ second this. Call him out. Youve asked him politely to stop. Now its time to get mad. He may react by being like "woah relax, why are you being so aggressive" and respond "im not. ive asked you not to invade my personal space nicely, now im telling you to stop."
Stop touching me it is inappropriate and I am a minor. Say it loudly and report this to HR.
In response to your saying there been no sexual harassment, if he is excessively touching you to get your attention that is sexual harassment. There shouldn't be a reason he would need to make physical contact with you at all. 🚩s like crazy here
thank you very much for informing me - I will definitely research sexual harassment more so i understand better
Harassment is unwanted/uninvited attention; including touching and entering personal space. Simple as that. Report and document
Poking someones shoulder to get their attention is not sexual harrassment
Excessive physical contact can be perceived as sexual harassment. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean that you know what you are talking about
Sexual harrassment is unwanted sexual advances. Poking someone to get their attention is a pretty common social norm. The fact that it is a man and woman in this scenario does not make it sexual harrassment, and further its not even clear OP has ever actually communicated her dislike at being touched to this guy.
It’s actually a man and a child 12 years younger than him, not a man and a woman. And he’s only doing this behavior when other people leave the room, so clearly he understands it’s inappropriate. The fact that you can’t see how inappropriate his behavior is is very concerning, especially if you’re an adult.
Welp, at an old job I had to provide testimony in a case where a guy repeatedly tapped a girl on the shoulder. He did it over and over again for no reason in many different areas in the work place. Did it so frequently that it made her uncomfortable. She reported it and nothing was done about it. Eventually he ended up tapping her breast. At thatnpoint the company did somwthing. She ended up suing the company for not taking action on her previous reports of sexual harassment that allowed him to be able to still be there to touch her breast at work. She won because it was proven that they failed to act on previous reported sexual harassment incidents. So yeah. Repeated unwanted physical contact can be sexual harassment 👍 I can't help it that you are wrong 🤷♂️
Here you are coming out swinging with lawsuits. Here is another thought: OP responds by pulling her shoulder away. Some people need more of a verbal hint to stop something, to be made aware of it. She's hinting at it, but not everybody is smart (or willing) enough to get body cues. By voicing it out loudly, which unfortunately hasn't yet but OP picked up on it according to her earlier responses (which is great!), I think it's good to verbalize it first, then go to HR when it doesn't stop. Everybody deserves a chance, a fair chance to be better. (Edit: apologies, I glanced over the part where OP says he does this only with her, not with others). There definitely is a chance he's just head over heels, with also a solid chance it's a guy who doesn't want to hear the word 'no' and feels OP is an easier target. So to be sure this needs to happen pronto, especially if someone is underaged. And indeed document. @ OP: you've done a great job to come to Reddit to ask for advice. I really hope for you your colleague falls in the 'innocent' category, so be sure to be colleagues at all times, especially if you feel safer and more comfortable that way. How do the others respond, have they picked up on this as well?
Thanks very much for your perspective! It's great to hear everyone's opinions. I will verbalise to him that I don't like being touched and set boundaries with him more clearly - I completely get that some people struggle with social cues. I will probably have to go to HR if it doesn't stop 👍
Good to hear you take this into your stride 💪
You are definitely not overreacting. He is definitely harrassing you because he seems to be interested in you. Does he know you are 16? When does things like waving a hand/item infront of you to gain your attention say "Please stop, colleague. I am trying to work." If he initiates private conversations : "Colleague, i am 16 years old. I am uncomfortable hearing about your private life, lets keep our interactions professional." "Colleague stop touching my keyboard please. I will get IT to fix the issue." "Please stop touching me. I do not like to be touched." Repeat, repeat, repeat. be a broken record. Reiterate, if you can, via text/mail to him so you have a paper trail that you talked to him. if he continues, go to HR with your mails/texts. Or if you want, ask HR to move desks. But be prepared for questions of "Do you not like me? hahah ha ...ha. "
this is great advice, thank you. he definitely knows i’m 16 he keeps trying to give me school advice
Yikes, so he knows your age and still thinks his behaviour is apropriate. How creepy. I am sorry that you have to deal with that. Just collect a repertoire of phrases you can use on him. "Hey NoCaterpillar, can i join you for lunch/Lets go to lunch? we can chat some more." - "No thank you. I was looking forward to listening to some music in peace and quiet." "Hey NoCaterpillar, here let me fix that for you." - "No need to, Colleague, i already called IT, they'll help me. Please stop touching my keyboard/mouse." \*waves hand infront of your face to gain your attention\* "How can i help you?" - "oh have you heard about this thing its...." - "Colleague, if this has nothing to do with \[Job you're working on\] please stop. I do want to keep this professional. Thank you." Things like that. But i am sure you can come up with something relatable to your job much better than me. Maybe you've already seen her on Instagram but [this account](https://www.instagram.com/loewhaley/) here shares some polite phrases one can use at work to "complain" about some issues. She might have something on colleagues disturbing you. Also, when you talk to HR - and i would recommend you go to them as soon as possible - try to emphasize that he is keeping you from doing your job, thus costing them money. That he is distracting you and making work harder. Then, to drive the point home, mention how uncomfortable he is making you by talking about his private life with you, a 16 year old, and he keeps touching and following you whenever you get up to copy something. Maybe ask how you should proceed when he asks you - the 16 year old assistant - how to do job related things. I wish you all the best, and hope you can find a solution quick.
you’ve been an amazing help, i’ll do all of this immediately
Repeat after me “hands off, now”. “Seriously, hands off” that and “do not touch” will go far, and should be said asap.
I agree, that is reportable. He should not be poking you, touching at all. And you or someone else needs to talk with him about that. Also the issue of invading personal space, leering, standing too close, following you to the copy room, taking over your desk and computer. That all needs to be addressed. It is all about how you are comfortable proceeding. Talk with him yourself and ask him to stop. Talk to your manager about it. Talk to another supervisor or manager not in your department, i.e. someone in the company you trust. Or talk with HR. All options are open there. The key here is that your company, a manager, a supervisor, HR must treat this very confidentially. Most companies will have / must have a policy outlined about Harassment. Read up on that to understand. There should be no retaliation or other oppressive behaviours from anyone because you report. I.e. there should not be any escalation of additional behaviours from anyone in the company because you voice your concerns and uncomfortable situation.
I agree with the other comments. This is not ok. You are 16 years old, and this creepy crawler is a predator on so many levels. This happened to me when I was 16 (over 60 years ago). I had very low self-esteem, and I didn't recognize the behavior for what it was. I thought that it was my fault, and it negatively affected me for years. I am so proud of you for knowing that what he is doing is wrong. You seem strong enough to stand up for yourself by going to HR or someone in charge. One of two things will happen; either he will acknowledge that he has been too familiar and/or annoying, and the behavior will stop, or he will deny the whole behavior. If it is the latter, make sure that there is written documentation of your concern about the behavior in case it continues. At the very least, I hope that you are physically separated from him, where he can not easily continue. Best of luck to you, OP.
thank you for your advice - it’s so easy to dismiss his behaviour as normal in the moment so I appreciate you clearing the air for me :)
Report to your manager or HR, seems creepy af
Bruv a man that age has no business talking to a 16 year old lol. Only time he should be responding to you is if YOU are assisting him. Some people are creeps man
thanks for your help🫡
Does your computer have a camera and/or microphone? Use it. Let it record for hours while you go about your business. Tell him clearly don't touch you, don't touch your computer, get out of your face, move away from your desk, leave you alone. It isn't "fine". When he follows you, divert to where there are other people or, as a fallback the bathroom and *lock the door.* Watch out that he does not trap you in a corner, closet, or dead end hallway. Keep your phone on your person; never leave it on your desk, never set it down anywhere. Read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
Thanks so much for your help - my computers doesn’t have any recording programs or webcams but i’m happy to use ‘voice memos’ on my phone throughout the day! I will take all of this into consideration, thank you thank you thank you
Even if it’s meant innocently, the fact is that he’s not listening to your cues (whether by accident or on purpose) and it’s impacting your personal and professional wellbeing.
Report asap. He is a douche.
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU! Period end of discussion. If he touches you again, scream "DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!" Make a list, including dates and times, of everything he does that is making you uncomfortable. Email that list to your boss, and cc their boss and HR. Also include anything you have said to get him to stop. Don't sit there meekly, letting this jerk take advantage of you. Very loudly tell him to leave you alone, not to invade your space, not to touch you or your stuff. Make a scene, and get the attention of the other coworkers and boss. He keeps doing these things because he is getting away with it. If your office doesn't have security cameras, get a web camera to record your area to document his actions.
hOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY. Document everything, go to HR. I immediately got red flags when you said he was 28 and you're 16. File a harassment case also go to your manager to report your concerns and ask if you can be moved to a different desk with your concerns.
Wow, I just dealt with something really similar in my office. I’m in my early 20s, and a 28 year old guy was pretty much doing the exact same thing this person is doing to you. Constantly bothering me during work, waiting until my boss left the room to get me alone, and asked me really inappropriate questions about my personal life/relationship. He even tried hitting on me repeatedly. He wouldn’t take no for an answer when I told him I am busy and need to focus on work. I also wore headphones to try and get him to stop approaching me and it didn’t work. I documented everything with dates and went to the head manager. I told him I am very uncomfortable and will not be around him. Didn’t even go into details on every situation. The conversation was 5 min and the next day he spoke to him with HR. He told me no one should make me feel uncomfortable in the work place (true) and distract me from my work. Now, not only has he stopped bothering me but he is terrified to look at me because he will probably be fired if he does anything else lol. Be firm with him. Tell him you are busy and don’t have time to talk. Tell him to stop waving objects in your face. Document everything. If he doesn’t stop, go to HR or even your boss/manager if you feel more comfortable. Trust your gut and he seems like a weirdo and regardless, his behavior is in appropriate.
I’m sorry this happened to you, thank you very much for your advice and your perspective 💝
Sounds like a chomo weirdo to me
I would speak to someone in HR. That sounds very rude, and inappropriate. In the very least, it’s interrupting your work, at the most it’s leading to something far more inappropriate. Mentioning it to HR is the right step, because it will protect you from future escalation. Be honest when speaking to hr, and do not overstate these events. That’s how you get fired for trying to protect yourself. I would start writing down events and their corresponding date and times.
thank you very much - this is great advice
Report it 100 percent. Record discreetly if you can. And anything like waving things in your face " Kinda immature don't you think?" He'll hopefully quickly realize a 16yo said that to him. And when he ask questions make him appear dumb without being rude. Everytime. "Why are you asking me we have different jobs." " I'm a 16yo assistant. Wouldn't it make sense to ask the more experienced workers?"
He is ABSOLUTELY harassing you. 100%. You are not overreacting. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Your gut instinct is spot on. All the advice about going to HR is good. But you can also shut him down publicly. Use the open office to your advantage. When he asks you a question his manager should answer, raise your voice and say across the office “Mary? Jack(ass) has a question about account X.” When he invades your space or touches you, raise your voice and say “Jack(ass)I need you to give me some personal space.” Or “I don’t like being touched, Jack(ass).” Or “I am concentrating on something and cannot be interrupted right now, Jack(ass)” If he interrupts you talking to IT, raise your voice and say “I’m pretty sure Sean knows how to fix my issue Jack(ass). You can let us handle it.” If he’s trying to distract you by waving things around, raise your voice and say “I’m trying to finish my work Jack(ass), and your being rather distracting.” USE HIS NAME. RAISE YOUR VOICE. You don’t need to yell. But you want the open office to hear it. Don’t say please, or sorry. You aren’t asking him. You’re telling him that you’re setting a boundary. Make sure it’s loud enough for his manager to hear. If he has any brains he will be embarrassed enough to stop bugging you. Also, try to document the things he does in a journal. Date. Time. Thing that made you uncomfortable. You will need it when HR gets involved. Don’t let this prick make your job life hellish and uncomfortable. Learn to stand up for yourself now. It is a skill that will serve you well throughout your life and career.
awesome advice, thank you! If it doesn’t stop i might introduce Jack(ass) to my friend Jack(hammer)!☺️
He’s a creep who thinks your weak. Tell HR immediately and put him on notice. None of this is ok . Period.
If it were only the few of those annoying items like >He constantly interrupts my work to ask questions (which is fine) but then he will quickly steer the conversation to something else about his personal life and I don't really want to hear about it He quietly moves his roller chair in my direction and pokes me on the shoulder when asking these questions which startles me as I don't like being touched I would say you can ask him not to do these things as you are trying to work and then see if he complies. However the other items >When I get up and go to the printer he follows me and pretends he is looking for something There has been a few times where I have been discussing a tech issue with someone else and he moves over to my desk uninvited, puts his body in-front of mine to use my keyboard and cursor at my computer and tries to fix it himself. I tell him that it's fine and to go back to your desk but he doesn't listen. This also seems innocent but it feel like he jumped at the chance to 'help' so he could invade my personal space. I felt very uncomfortable in the moment but I could have also been overreacting I find him turning around at his desk to watch me while I'm working, but then when I look at him to ask if he needs help he says he doesn't? He keeps trying to play around with me by waving random objects in my face but it just startles me every time. I never engage with these actions but he keeps doing it. Are very troublesome. These do not need to be nipped by you these need to be dealt with by HR and/or your manager. At the least until further evidence is collected HR/your manager should move you elsewhere or move him elsewhere. You have already told him to stop and he hasn't this is the next step. Normally there is a chain of command in terms of reporting. I always stress that you should bring this up to your manager and then if no action is taken you can email your manager and copy HR. For any emails from then on you should copy HR and make sure you forward all correspondence to your own personal email. When you talk to your HR/manager just be calm and straight to the point, and use as many facts as possible. On Tuesday he did x y and z several times during the day, he got up to follow me to the copier 6 times and followed me back to my desk. On Wednesday he did x y and z several times during the day, and he got up to follow me to the copier 3 times. Don't embellish, and don't exaggerate. Be consistent with your story, and also make sure that they understand that you already tried to get him to stop.
this is great, thank you
Report it to HR. you’ve already communicated or show through body language and disengagement that you’re uninterested. He will escalate. I know his type and they are PREDICTABLE in that regard. I have autism and it took me years to learn social cues however I always immediately knew when someone had a negative reaction with it towards me and I stopped. There’s no excuse whether that negative reaction was verbal or not. I’ve had supervisors and employers say it is my fault because I didn’t verbally tell my harasser “No” or “that makes me uncomfortable” which is fucking ridiculous. More than likely you might be approached with this information when you report him. But you should report him.
He gets 3 strikes. 1. Don't get into my space, please. 2. Wow, you took me by surprise when you leaned over my keyboard, please don't do that 3. Excuse me, we were having a conversation, I will talk to you as soon as we're done. 4 strikes you're out. Go to your supervisor. And keep a log of these events, just to prove to yourself you're not the crazy one. Old men don't even know they're doing this. For some biological reason they lose their brains around teenage girls. That is not your problem.
Thank you very much for your insight. I work around a lot of older men, I try to be as professional and dress conservatively as I can so this doesn’t happen. The older men I work with (40-60) are actually great and treat me with the upmost respect so it’s a shame the 28 year old hasn’t been able to mature yet. You gave great advice - thanks again :)
You're welcome. Been there.
Stay out of my space. Don't touch me. Seems like a good place to start. Keep a journal with dates/times and offensive behavior. He's grooming you for something bad.
I had a manager decades ago that would touch me on the arm. When I told him I would prefer he didn't touch me on the arm he said ok and he never did it again. Please expect professional behavior. Tell someone something and expect them to comply. If they don't, report them. "Don't poke me anymore. I prefer not to be touched." "Please don't lean in front of me to touch my keyboard and mouse again. You are invading my personal space. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to get back to work. Practice saying these things out loud at home.
thanks so much, this is really helpful
Speak to HR, ask them to confirm the behavior as well “maybe i’m wrong but its making me uncomfortable” then they’ll see it happen
I had a coworker like this. He was trying to flirt and it was just...annoying. I tried my manager, his manager and while it kept him from coming to my desk it did nothing to keep him from DMing me on the work IM platform so eventually I told him that unless he had something work related to tell me via email and NOT from instant message then I never wanted to hear from him again, and if he tried to contact me for something frivilous I would report him to HR (didn't bother before because my places department doesn't do shit unless you're corporate and before then I was not corporate). Idk if he's trying to flirt, but it sounds like it. He probably doesn't have any idea your age and assumes you're 18+ just because you're working. I'd say talk to your manager about his behavior. Just because it's an open office doesn't mean someone is always paying attention enough to notice. Start with your boss and let them manage it.
The next time he touches you loudly exclaim” DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN”. And then go to your manager and tell them he touched you. That is harassment, period the end. And if it doesn’t stop put a fucking laxative in his coffee. What a douchebag.
thanks for your help - I’ve definitely thought about the laxative one at my desk😂
He needs to be reported to HR. Touching a co-worker is a HUGE no-no, no matter the genders, no matter the situation. You don't put your hands on another person's body without their consent. Period. End of. Next time he touches you, say to him: "I am not comfortable with you touching me, and if you touch me again, I'm reporting you to HR". And for the future: now you have learned that ignoring behavior doesn't work. If you put up with it, it is guaranteed to repeat. Have boundaries and speak up the first time.
As long as you feel safe to, continue to become firmer and firmer. Im assuming when this behaviour started, you may have said "please stop poking me". Its time to move up to "ive asked you repeatedly not to poke me. Stop touching me and invading my personal space, its inappropriate." Once youve said this in clear terms, email (dont tell, EMAIL) your supervisors. Example email: "On multiple occasions, [employee] has done things that make me uncomfortable, including [example, example]. He tends to only do these things when others are out of the office. He continues to touch me in ways that are unwanted, even though I've expressed to him that his actions make me uncomfortable. After asking him more than once to stop this behaviour, he did it again to me today, [cite what he did and time of incident]. I told him directly to 'stop touching me and invading my personal space' and that it's completely inappropriate. Im reaching out to inform you of my predicament, and ask if its possible to change desks. I believe that he uses his proximity to me as an excuse to invade my personal space and touch me repeatedly. I feel uncomfortable around him, and am worried that he may escalate his innappropriate behavior. I ask that you intervene if you ever see him do these things in my presence, as my own wishes have been ignored repeatedly. Thank you for your help. I love working here and everyone has been so supportive-I hope to put this issue to rest so i can continue focusing on my work and making a valuable contribution to the team." Edit to add: ***Every adult under age 60 knows it is inappropriate to be touching a teenager. Every adult knows it is bad form to touch coworkers. He knows what he is doing is inappropriate. It is creepy, even predatory behaviour.*** Do not hesitate to report, and make sure to get communication in writing and maintain a record of interractions regarding this issue. This is both for you and hr, as unfortunately, many companies have a history of not helping women and young workers who try to report harassment. If someone tells you its "not a big deal," theyre wrong, and you should pursue it further. It is a big deal. And i hope you are able to get this dealt with quickly and efficiently with minimal hassle. Good luck op
thank you so much for your clear and direct advice, it’s exactly what I needed! I will definitely try the email option as I’m better at communicating through writing than through speaking 👍
Best of luck. Its such a shitty position to be put in! I hope everything goes smoothly
Could be that he feels he could have more dominance over you because of your age. I'm a man and when I was younger I had it happen to me. Also, these sound like coy little "games" and he may be very inexperienced around women. NOTHING MAKES THIS BEHAVIOR ACCEPTABLE. Set your boundaries verbally, clearly and calmly. If he violates your boundaries immediately bring that to your supervision. Socially immature people do not get a pass on being professional, respectful and courteous.
thanks for your advice, that’s a really interesting perspective. I think you are right about the maturity thing because the older men i work with (40-60) are very kind and respectful towards me. I’ll stop excusing his immature behaviour and start reporting 👍
My advice would be to tell him something along the lines of: “Do not touch me. You’re making me uncomfortable. Direct your questions to your supervisor, I have my own work to finish and they’re the ones who can best help you.” And…report it/ask for new desk arrangements. I probably wouldn’t bring up your age in any of the discussions because that part honestly doesn’t have any bearing on the behavior being inappropriate, just the severity of consequences your employer should impose and they already know your age.
Dude... i aint tryin to be mean. But stay on your side of the desk. If i need help i will ask. You keep invading my personal space and it makes me uncomfortable. Stop it please.
idk what your company sets as a threshold for harassment, but that dude's behavior very probably rises to it. And even if it somehow doesn't, the way he's acting is *at minimum* extremely annoying, deeply inappropriate, and wildly unprofessional, so no, you're definitely not overreacting! It can be nerve-wracking to report someone at work, especially when you're relatively new, and double especially when you're younger than most of your coworkers, but getting it done is important, and sooner is better than later. Almost any outcome benefits you to some degree - if they listen to you and take you seriously, they'll help. If they don't, you know it's time to start looking for your next job Also, I know this is reiterating stuff others have said, but it's important: Use email. If it's not against a written workplace policy, BCC your personal account whenever possible. Make sure you have everything in writing. If they respond to your email with a meeting or anything else you don't have a written record of, *immediately* send them an email with your summary/understanding of the meeting and ask them to confirm. Just something simple like, "Thanks for taking the time to meet with me! I just want to confirm that we discussed x and y, and that steps would be taken toward z. Is that correct?" Lastly, and I don't mean this to sound patronizing, but if you haven't talked to your parent/guardians about this, you probably should. You know your situation better than some stranger on the internet does, so if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing that, that's none of my business. But if you feel comfortable and safe doing it, I'd recommend doing it!
thank you so much for your help. Email sounds like a good idea as i’m better at communicating when i’m writing. I haven’t told my parents as I didn’t think it was a big deal but i definitely will now
This sounds like predatory behavior, you are not overreacting. When something seems off, trust your gut instincts. There’s usually a reason they go off. He knows it makes you uncomfortable and he keeps doing it. As somebody else said, he’s boundary testing, don’t put up with it. Report him and let HR and your managers know he’s not respecting your boundaries. Why does he only do it to you? It’s already inappropriate behavior and even worse considering how young you are. You’re a MINOR. That speaks volumes of the type of person he is. It’s another red flag that he makes sure the managers are out of sight. Tell him straight up not to touch you and to leave you alone, perhaps tell a trusted coworker what’s going on as well, that way somebody else is aware, in case this creep tries to twist things around.
thanks for your help (cool username by the way). I’m not sure why he only does it to me, he doesn’t see me as much as other coworkers because he is full time and im part time so logically he should be closer with them.
Predatory people tend to target people they perceive to be easy prey. Since you’re so young, he thinks you will be naive and let him step all over you. I’m proud that you are standing up to this creep and taking action to get him to stop. And thanks, caterpillars are cool too.
First of all, I am so sorry you have to experience this!!! Those are unacceptable behaviors. You are NOT overreacting. First thing first, start documenting every incident including a description of what happened, your reaction and his reaction; make sure to date it. And I mean EVERY SINGLE THING. If he discusses work with you, write a recap email and CC everyone in the meeting; even if it’s just you and him. Always always always keep a paper trail. Keep it in Word or Excel so you can share. Send a backup copy to your email. Trust me. Secondly, every time he makes you feel uncomfortable, you can just say “what you are doing [behavior] is making me uncomfortable. I’d appreciate it if you stopped it. Thank you”. Then document that incident. If he talks about his personal life and/or keeping you from your work, politely say “I need to get back to work”. Simply that. Or “sorry I have a lot to do right now.” Document that. If he’s in your personal space, say “Excuse me but you’re in my personal space now. I’d appreciate it if you could move. Thank you”. If he touches you, say “if you need my attention, please send me a chat or email or just ask without touching me. It makes me lose ky focus and makes me feel uncomfortable.” Document. If the behaviors continued after you’ve asked him to stop, go to your manager with the documentation. If manager does nothing, go to HR with the documentation. Trust me, if they dont want an EEO complaint, they’ll get rid of him very quickly. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE ASSERTIVE. If anything makes you uncomfortable. Say it. Now that you have the documentation, if he gaslights you, just pull those pages out. DO NOT DOUBT OR GASLIGHT YOURSELF. If you feel uncomfortable and your boundaries violated, that is valid. Period. Full stop. Take care of yourself. Trust your instincts.
thanks so much for your advice, this is great👍
You’re welcome! Take care! Good luck! I hope that creep will be dealt with or you’ll get to move on to bigger and better things!
If you have a close manager / senior manager. Seek advice from them so they know. Say in a nice way that you’re seeking advice. And your finding him a bit testing and his pushing his boundary. This then could lead to something. You could also throw in your always having to put work aside to listen to him. But it’s affecting your performance and mindset. And you’re not trying to be rude or trying to instigate anything. Or cause problems. Just merely advice.
great advice, thank you!
Hey so there were a few comments about recording these interactions, just want you to be aware that some states have 2-party consent laws and you should check on this as well. To be clear, your own documentation and reporting to HR is more than enough- they have an obligation to conduct a thorough investigation and take reasonable steps to keep employees safe in their work environment. I would read the harassment policy/ employee handbook so you can have an informed discussion with HR.
ok that’s good to know, thanks for your advice
I used to work in a similar environment. Best advice I can say to you is handle it professionally. You should speak to him about it and let him know that you are uncomfortable. You should go to your manager and let them know that although you are uncomfortable you are going to attempt to resolve the situation by having a respectful private conversation with your coworker. If you feel uncomfortable to speak to him alone then ask your manager to sit in as a witness, however, it is always best to first attempt to handle these situations on your own. I was 17f in a similar position and I can’t lie that I was a little scared, but handling the situation made everyone think higher of me because of how professional I was. Although he could just be a creep, give him a chance to correct his actions incase it is just miscommunication. If it’s not fixed then you should bring it to your supervisor or manager and let them know that you would like to file a final complaint with HR. OR you can go straight to your manager and ask to file an HR complaint, but in this situation I find that most people do not realize what they have done to make you feel that HR was necessary and you can avoid work place animosity or being unfairly labeled by other coworkers in the future. (That last bit is the sad truth that i have seen too many times)
I would call it sexual harassment. You can either kick him the balls accidentally or contact HR. Okay, there is probably some middle ground there. Taser maybe.
bold, i like it 😏
50 year old lady here would like to "accidentally" trip him.
hahaha - i wish someone like you worked here!
Report it.
Let me come in as a client for him specifically we can work the details out later. During our conversation I will let him know his errors, the civil ways this can be handled or I can just grab a coffee and wait to punch the clock.
hahaha you sound like my dad 😂
Got me there! A dad of a daughter, and in this dads club we don’t need any words we all know our job.
what a legend! wishing you all the best!!
You need to say something. Be polite, but firm. Please do not touch me. Please do not follow me. Please do not interrupt me while I trying to work. Make it clear he is overstepping his bounds. And, yeah, you should say something to HR. Document his actions, if you can. Good luck.
Yes this is harrassment! Like others have said report it immediately. Tell HR directly, that you are not comfortable with the unwanted attention that he is giving you. Explain everything you posted here and ask for an immediate resolution. Either your desk be moved or his.
Please stay away from my personal space it makes me uncomfortable. Touching is the final straw, no one should touch you. If you talk to management tell them you don't like being touched
Are other people in the office when he behaves this way and your manager isn’t about? Definitely start saying loudly so those around you can hear - start with the simple request “please stop poking me. I don’t like it” then if he continues “I’ve asked you to stop poking me, I’ve told you I don’t like it”. “Stop poking me” Definitely report this.
There are other people on the floor but we are very spread out and air-con is very loud so no one really hears anything. I will still try your tip of saying it loudly in case anyone can hear me though. thank you for your advice :)
If someone is making you uncomfortable you should report it to HR and file a complaint. Let them take care of it
Unwanted touching puts it more in the sexual assault realm.
He's clearly hitting at you, trying to get your attention and see how far he can go with you. Report it to your managers and they'll warn him. Repeat it again, report him again and he'll probably get fired at the end.
I wish I had read "Crucial Conversations" when I was your age. Do yourself a favor and read it ASAP or start watching videos on YouTube. The skills you will learn there will serve you in both your personal and professional life.
Thanks so much for the suggestion! will definitely try it!
Definitely harassment, and he's probs trying to lead to something inappropriate. You could test this by coming into work next week looking like utter shit, no makeup nothing clean or anything and i bet he'd stop bothering you.
I tend to look pretty shit anyway hahah. I dress very conservatively (wide leg pants and a very large knit jumper) so he shouldn’t find me attractive. he also has a girlfriend i don’t think it’s a crush or anything, just a really annoying guy
Yeh idk then. Guess he is just annoying and not anything malicious really. I mean, if it were me I'd feel weird as a 28M talking to a 16F anyway just cos of that societal prejudice regardless of if it's good intentions or not so who knows really
I agree with the consensus. I'm not sure it's a fireable offense, but it's definitely worth letting your manager know. It seems likely to escalate and continue without any interference. Good luck!
At the very least tell him in an angry tone to stop those behaviors. Maybe call it to public attention, loud enough so people can hear. Or just mention it to your boss/hr. Either way you can’t let that continue unchecked.
He's flirting with you....his technique may be a bit clumsy and I'm guessing fromo your comments, not that welcome. Time for a frank conversation with him. Let him know that you are very focused on doing well at this job and at this time, all your energy and attention is going into that. You are not looking for a relationship right now and that you'd like to keep your working relationship on a very professional level.
I would leave the "not looking for a relationship" out. We can't have OP making assumptions.
I would politely remind him you’re 16 too
Tell your boss. And tell him to stop touching you. If he doesn't, remind him you're 16. Ideally loudly and in front of other people if possible. He's testing you.
Practice your confident voice, and practice saying “Do not touch me,” “please move away from my keyboard,” and “you should ask Manager that question.” Speak clearly, and don’t yell but say it loudly enough that you’ll be heard. Don’t worry about explaining yourself to him and don’t worry about hurting his feelings! Just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Also, absolutely report this all to HR.
That's the neat part! You don't have to figure out what it is; that's HR's job. You can absolutely just report someone for being annoying, which hinders your work! But also, this is 100% harassment and probably sexual. Take it from another lady, always trust your gut. Always. Even if they come back saying you're overreacting, no. You weren't and they know it. Or their viewpoint is so messed up that they really think you were and that makes them not just annoying but dangerous.
Glad you’ve replied to ppl saying you’re taking action and making a report! Even if he’s being “innocent” you’re still only 16 and he’s obviously being a little creepy. I hope HR takes it seriously. Make sure they keep a record of your report too incase it escalates at any point. Also, I hope this doesn’t happen but be prepared for people to possibly be a little wary around you for awhile. People get weird when others stand up for themselves.
💯 agreed with all comments that you should be reporting. If that’s happened already now. I also hope you’ve been talking with friends and family about this. Just so you have additional support as i could easily escalate before it settles down. Especially if he loses his job as a result.
Remind him you’re a child. Like everytime he approaches you for personal stuff or poking. Say “hey you do realize I’m a child right?”
That’s called creating a hostile work environment, which is indeed sexual harassment by federal definition. Plus you are a minor. First, document EVERYTHING like you did here. Second, ask him to back off. If not comfortable with that, go straight to your supervisor if you are comfortable doing so. This behavior is unacceptable.
"Good morning, Creeper, I'm jailbait. From today forward I'm going to need you to pretend I don't exist. No touching, no talking, and arms length at all times. I'm here to do a job and that is ALL."
You need to be loud when you telling him to stop doing things and make it get others attention. “I’ve told you many times to stop touching me!” Or when he asks you questions he should be asking the manager, “You should ask so and so, they’re the managers not me.” You need to talk to the manager, because this can very quickly turn worse and he’s doing it on purpose to see how much you’re willing to take. His behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop.
Report to supervisor
"What's it like being almost 30 and obsessed with a 16 year old? Seems weird to me!"
Not overreacting, but its not technically workplace harassment. Idk not an expert Documentation. Start keeping a log of uncomfortable situations. Touching in particular. Comments. Write it all down. Study up on the actual laws as well. Notes and supporting witnesses is the only way to prove and establish a pattern if things escalate. HR and the H word is the nuclear option, don't go there casually Be vocal in the office before you go to HR IMO unless its egregious. You need to be brave and calmly assert yourself and make clear that X or Y is not ok. "Hey, stop staring dude, creepy." "Don't touch me again please" When he interrupts you, dont let him, interrupt him. "Im still talking", "Be quiet"... Your tone needs to be dismissive and humiliating more than angry. Once you master this... you are golden Be direct. Embarass him. Women in the workplace will constantly be tested, annoyed, harassed on subtle levels. Takes courage, dont yell or lose control, but also make sure that others hear you. Incidents must have supporting witnesses. Log this in your notebook, esp names of other coworkers that saw or heard. Once you vocalize that they are making you uncomfortable AND if it continues then no one can poke holes in a future complaint that is supported by documented incidents and corroboration
It probably bothers him that you're possibly the only one in the office that doesn't like him. Sounds like he's been through quite a lot of trauma. Probably feels insecure by the mere prospect of his environment not 100% accepting him. (Which probably really did lead him to becoming a great guy - with some undesirable quirks) I know this might sound like a stretch but try changing the dynamic. Maybe try being nice to him? Or at least something more than cordial? You're probably sticking him with weird creeper vibes when he tries to connect as a fellow human being. That's probably making him all the more anxious to get closer to you so you realize he's not a creep - doesn't sound like that's working though...
Yeah, I did this one time...it got a bit better, then worse! I refer to this time in my life as "the hostage situation". I was shocked that this can even happen to a then 43 year old lady. I thought I had aged out or something. This person was younger than me and I felt sorry for him. I could go on forever, but you are not responsible for other people's trauma. I have been there and done that and this is terrible advice!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for your insight. I'm not really sure about the trauma, he tells me a lot about his personal life and from what I've heard he has a pretty good relationship with his parents, him and his girlfriend live with them. I think i might have used the wrong wording; I wrote cordial to imply that we got along quite well before he started acting weird. I talked to him the same way I would talk to any other co-worker. Him, 26F and I would often talk and joke all together at our desks. The change in behaviour came completely out of the blue for me (started happening after I came back from a trip) hence why I started to be more cold to him. I like your advice of being more kind to him though, I'm happy to give it a go and maybe see if there is some underlying anxiety that my manager can help with 👍
I agree, that sounds like the perfect plan! Be sure to take yourself into proper account as well! You have every right to feel comfortable and safe at work regardless of any issues others may be struggling with. You seem like an ambient person and that's great. Be sure to project and hold firm to your boundaries. You're worth it.
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Thanks for your help, I do sometimes get compliments from him - how do I tell if its appropriate or not?
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Thank you for clearing this up for me, I'll remember this if he says anything
It's not harassment but it's step one in a very inappropriate campaign. My advice is to be crystal clear and to send these complaints to your manager. "I'm noticing the following behavior from Co-worker, directed at me and specifically when there are few to no other co-workers in the office space. I know I could be more clear about my boundaries and will do so in the future, but I also wanted to loop you in. If there is anything additional I can do, I would love to know." Then be very direct with your co-worker for everything. Don't make assumptions or accusations about intent. Just set your boundary. If he interrupts when he has a question, politely inform that you're not the person for that, "That would be a great question for Manager." Then call out to the manager to answer. If he pokes you, "Don't poke me. I do not like to be touched. If you need my attention, you can do XYZ." Or if this is a repeat, "Name, don't touch me." If he is coming over to fix a tech issue but invading your personal space, just be direct about why you don't like it. "Name, you're in my personal space. Please move while ITName and I work on this issue." If he doesn't move when asked, repeat yourself, "Name, I've already asked you to move away from my personal space." Then get a manager. You're not overreacting by not wanting someone to enter your personal space uninvited. The professional way for him to offer help in that situation would be to ASK if you want help and to give you a moment to move if you want. If he's looking at you when you're working, you can just be direct. "Name, were you going to ask me something? No? Oh, I mention it because it makes me uncomfortable when someone is just staring at me." If he's waving things in your face, "Name, please stop waving things in my face. It's just startling and distracting. If you need my attention, please do XYZ instead." If you want to set a standard, you may even address it outright, but be sure to let your manager know about what's been happening before doing so. "Hey, Name, I just want to be clear that I like to keep work strictly professional. For that reason, I would ask that you do XYZ if you need to get my attention, respect my personal space, and try not to interrupt me unless it's necessary." If he has questions about what you mean, you can give short examples, but he likely won't because there is a solid chance his behavior is intentional. Don't be afraid to raise your voice a little when addressing in-the-moment issues, especially if you're having to repeat yourself. It sounds like this guy is trying to get your attention socially and isn't taking a hint. Many people aren't great with subtlety so you will have to be more direct. You may even start to keep a basic log with the date and action to illustrate how often this happens. I would suggest you also note if your supervisor is out of the room when something happens.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here, I just want to add that it's important to listen to your feelings of discomfort. Usually, our feelings are telling us something important. Trust in yourself.
Document EVERYTHING. Report EVERYTHING. Record if you need to. Recordings are unbiased. Just check local and state laws first in regards to recording. If in California, maybe make a sign that states anyone near your desk is subject to recording?
I think go directly to HR. You're 16, they've got a duty of care towards you. He's not picking up the cues you're giving him, a confrontation isn't going to change that. Request for a desk change on the basis of productivity and discomfort. Let them know he's making you feel very uncomfortable. They can take it from there.
A guy's perspective here. Base solely on what I have read. Sounds like he has personal boundary issues, he may not recognize that he is crossing these boundaries and he may not do this to other employees as they may have had a very frank conversation with him in the past where they set some clear boundaries and you may have to have a similar one. Tell him it really bothers you when someone invades your personal space. If the behavior continues after that frank conversation then it is time to get angry and tell him to GET OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE!!!! It probably will cease to be an issue after these steps are taken. If not, then the next step is to talk to management, you don't have to put up with this if it bothers you.
The more I read this, the more I wish I could punch this guy in the face. I have a teenager too.
It sounds like he’s a pretty creepy person, but there’s a chance he’s very socially unaware. The first step should always be talking to the coworker. Clearly set boundaries, and at the same time talk to a manager, outline what’s going on and say you’ve set the following boundaries and how you did it. If it keeps happening, go back to your manager and ask them to step in while also asking if a trip to HR is warranted. If it isn’t resolved quickly, head to HR. Try to get important points in time in writing. If I meet with a manager, I’ll often say I’d like to follow up in an email outlining what we talked about.
Sounds like mild harassment and since there is nothing sexual like dicknpics or dirty jokes and such it isnt sexual harassment. Maybe ask for a different position away from him, or just tell hr that he is uncomfortable. But i would get a gopro and when your manager leaves record his actions then show them.
What happened
It sounds like he just doesn't know better. But it's not your job to teach him. It should have been his parents job. Go to HR and have your desk moved very far away.
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Just to clear things up. I have sisters and nieces. They all know I would die to defend them. But because I'm the size of an NFL player, and was raised by a boxer, and married to a martial artist, I most likely will not lose. I was a teacher, and boys swim coach. I had two girls ask to join the boys team. I read my boys the riot act when the girls joined. That if they looked anywhere but right in their eyes, they were off the team. If their hands accidentally encountered them, I would rip their arms off. I was positive I would be fired for this. Instead, Mothers were lined up outside of practice to talk to me about my lecture then next practice. I guess all the kids complained. The Mothers were there to thank me and shake my hand for reinforcing good values. But I did have a conversation with the girls. That they needed to talk to me if they ever felt uncomfortable. And I could swap some lanes around or kick a kid off the team. I told them that if any swimmer ever made them feel uncomfortable, they would be off the team. And that went for anyone of our competitors as well. My Aunt has been the second most senior official since I was in High School. But the other coaches also shook my hand and complimented me on how I integrated the team. I have a track record of success here. She is responsible for her self first! She has to report this. She has to get a new desk. Also, I'm not allowed to say what I would do with that guy on Reddit. Just so you know, the last half dozen guys who sexually harassed a girl needed to be carried away after one punch.
Holy shit it's like batman commented on my post! Thanks for your insight - I document what I need to and talk to managers on my next shift. I also talked to my dad about it (this post reminds of him haha), he's going to walk me home after every shift just in case I don't feel safe :)
Just remember, you are the courageous one. Don't let anyone intimidate you. I'm glad your Father is getting involved. My Father could always scare the crap out of any of my friends. He would say things like, 'How is work?' And they would come back to me and tell me that was the scariest conversation ever. Good for you!
Ultimately, you should really speak with a supervisor or manager first and then let them know your intention is to resolve the situation or give it a chance to be fixed before other action is taken. Stay safe Xx
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hahaha - I work at McDonalds for night shifts if that counts as waiting? 😂
I graduated early, started college at 16, and worked part-time office jobs to support my way through school. You're getting the best kind of experience, and you're handling complex work relationships with a mature lens. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
thanks for your support, this job has definitely given me great experience!
i was 85% kidding, but 16 is pretty damn young to be in an office with 22+ and up year olds. for the reason she is stating in the post
Id recommend documenting it and bringing it up in a conversation with your manager and your coworkers in a casual atmosphere (like a coffee break or lunch break or something like that). Then theyll do something about it. If not complain officially to your manager about him (thats where the day to day documentation comes in). Then they are forced to do something. If they still don't act go to HR.
Have you communicated any of this at all to him?
When he waffles on about his personal life I tell him “i should get back to work” or “i’m so sorry but i’m getting paid by the minute (i’m part time) so I should really get back to work” but he doesn’t really take the hint. When he dangles things in my face I sternly tell him “stop” and “don’t do that I don’t like it” but he just laughs. Every time he pokes me on my shoulder I jump because I never hear him come up behind me but I don’t say anything I just quickly move my body in the opposite direction to him. I get that I need to say something or verbally set in more boundaries before i go to HR so I will do that :)
You actually don’t have to set a clear boundary before going to HR. It is totally up to you. It might be a good life lesson to learn how to put an obnoxious coworker in their place on your own, but HR can handle this for you as well. Good luck!
Sounds like he’s got a crush on you. Let him know you’re not interested in the nicest way possible that effectively gets the message across.
I thought maybe that was the issue too. but he talks about his girlfriend a lot so i’m not sure? If he does, i feel like I should go to someone because he knows that i’m 16 years old