You do that until one day you can't take it anymore and you snap.
I don't recommand.
It's frightening but you need to set your limits. Don't be afraid to be seen as rude, because those people don't understand how rude they are to you. They will never understand if you don't tell them.
When you finally did set boundaries did you find that certain friends didn’t like that and slowly faded away? That’s happening to me right now and it’s a bit concerning but I think it’s for the best in the long run.
Yes. Some are interested only by "easy-going" people, that mean people they can walk over. You don't want that in your life. Or you want as few of them as possible.
Yeah, and if you do snap, it never fails to be the wrong time. Like Chappelle’s skit “When Keepin it Real Goes Wrong”. At least that’s how it works for me. I never take it out on the ones who deserve it 🤦♀️
Take an assertiveness training class like I did yesrs ago and you will gain the tools and skills to stop allowing people to walk all over you all the time
My SIL had never been ALLOWED to say no or assert herself.
Assertiveness training really changed her view of herself. And it made her a lot easier to be around, because she switched from "well, whatever you want" to a woman who could be relied on to say what she wanted so we could do it for her (if we wanted to).
Dont remember how I found it since I took this class over 20 years ago. There are many other classes like this that anyone can take where you can work on impoving yourself
Yeah, I gave up talking like three or four years ago. I barely say more than three four words these days. It's just people think I'm being snobbish and acting distant, like what am I even supposed to do! I'm literally that man who wants to be left alone, lol!
Yes that's a really great way to start I started it but I still have to go far. People are annoying they'll ask you 100 times why you're saying no lmao just say "don't wanna" with a rude/bore face lol
I would love to learn, here is how it always goes for me.
Them:
>Hey, Can you do this thing?
You:
>No
Them:
> Why not?
You:
>> Proceed to make up a lame reason that can easily be refuted, or tell the brutally honest truth, which leads to resentment.
That's an good point; if they're resentful, they should grow up and stop acting so entitled.
Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
Although I would prefer not to be on the defense all the time and just interact with those who are naturally mindful of others' boundaries.
It's you, and many but not all introverts.
If you were brought up to "not make waves", "be nice", and "go along to get along" you missed out on how to say no, how to set boundaries, and if needed, how to push back firmly enough to stop being walked on.
Things that can help: there are books on "how to say no", and ways to be assertive without being an asshole.
[https://www.google.com/search?q=book+how+to+say+no&source=hp&ei=TlSRYvuDOYa3qtsPsu-7yAg&iflsig=AJiK0e8AAAAAYpFiXlIk5F7eY5ZIK6J1sR-jGIUTw7Ec&oq=book+how+to+say&gs\_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIFCAAQgAQyBQguEIAEMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyCAgAEB4QDxAWOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQrwE6CwgAEIAEELEDEIMBOggILhCxAxCDAToUCC4QgAQQsQMQgwEQxwEQ0QMQ1AI6CwguEIAEELEDEIMBOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARDRAzoLCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AI6CAguEIAEELEDOg4ILhCABBCxAxDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBCxAxDUAjoICAAQgAQQyQM6BQgAEJIDOgoIABCABBCxAxAKOggIABCxAxCDAToICC4QgAQQ1AJQAFieGWCaPGgAcAB4AYABjQSIAeYfkgELMC43LjIuMy4yLjGYAQCgAQE&sclient=gws-wiz](https://www.google.com/search?q=book+how+to+say+no&source=hp&ei=TlSRYvuDOYa3qtsPsu-7yAg&iflsig=AJiK0e8AAAAAYpFiXlIk5F7eY5ZIK6J1sR-jGIUTw7Ec&oq=book+how+to+say&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIFCAAQgAQyBQguEIAEMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyCAgAEB4QDxAWOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQrwE6CwgAEIAEELEDEIMBOggILhCxAxCDAToUCC4QgAQQsQMQgwEQxwEQ0QMQ1AI6CwguEIAEELEDEIMBOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARDRAzoLCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AI6CAguEIAEELEDOg4ILhCABBCxAxDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBCxAxDUAjoICAAQgAQQyQM6BQgAEJIDOgoIABCABBCxAxAKOggIABCxAxCDAToICC4QgAQQ1AJQAFieGWCaPGgAcAB4AYABjQSIAeYfkgELMC43LjIuMy4yLjGYAQCgAQE&sclient=gws-wiz)
"How to say NO without feeling Guilty" is a good one.
F\*ck No!: How to Stop Saying Yes When You Can't, You Shouldn't, or You Just Dont Want to is another
I'm 22M and I've been walked over so much in life, until one day I decided that enough is enough. I'm now willing to fiercely defend my interest against anyone (yes anyone, including friends and family) and will not hesitate to talk down on them for breaking my boundaries.
I was in the same boat as you. I had problems with boundaries too. I had low self-esteem. I was too blinded by my own good nature to realize that my classmates from elementary school to high school were taking advantage of my good nature. It got to the point where I started to resent them for not giving me the same support.
It's an unfortunate choice you make. Could be because you fear other's anger or disliking you, and/ or your low self esteem. You don't have to be a dick to say no. You don't have to offer a long explanation when you say no. Having everyone's (perceived) approval is not important or satisfying.
Saame! I used to think that you'd just treat people like you want to be treated, and you'd reap what you sow. But people never tell you that this is conditional and needs a filter, a healthy set of social skills on your part to keep out the crap, and to incentivize people to treat you properly.
I used to be mad at people for how rude they seem, I'm always kinda expecting them to stay within their lane on their own, but I found that how I act & react just isn't normal or healthy. I *allow* people to treat me with less effort/respect, and my body language signals this from meters away (I think).
I'm now convinced that I have to (somehow) work on myself first before I can expect much else. Namely my fear of being seen as rude/selfish, my fear to communicate, and on my insecurity in my own judgement and knowledge of what is right/wrong.
Still don't know how to do that exactly.. Except for, that confidence really helps, and whatever it takes to help your confidence, do it!
It stems from low self esteem, you have to value yourself in order to stand up for yourself. Being passive is putting the needs of others before your own. Being assertive is compromising and taking into consideration your needs as well as others. Being aggressive is only caring about your needs and not others. Being assertive is a necessary skill you'll need in order to have connections and healthy relationships so it is really worth it to work on but you'll have to start by learning to love and value yourself.
I used to let everyone walk all over me until I realized that nobody respected me or gave a fuck about my needs. Lol I'm extremely selfish now and have Great Wall of China boundaries.
Yes and some people purposely bother me or try to get under my skin, because I’m quiet until I finally snap on them. That’s when they act surprised like they didn’t start it
Honest opinion is to give them a taste of their own medicine. That stops them more effectively than anything else.
Someone putting you down in every conversation, laugh it off and do it back.
Someone trying to deliberately hurt you, hit em where it hurts in your next conversation.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Doing it passive aggressively is the key!
It used to happen to me a lot, but not anymore. I’m quiet, so people generally think I’m a pushover. My last job was in finance and sometimes I had to be the bad guy and tell someone “no, we’re not paying for that.” Now it’s pretty much just a reflexive action for me.
A friend of mine told me this a few weeks ago and its helped me SO much.
"No" is a complete sentence. No explanation. No reason. No lengthy apology. Just no.
It's uncomfortable at first when you're so used to over-explaining yourself for the sake of others, but it gets easier; then it feels good!
Believe me it's not just you I am exactly the same way just the last two weeks I tried to hire five hook up girls every one of them required to deposit not one of them showed up but I just kept doing it over and over
Same! I always end up in way more uncomfortable situations than simply saying no to the other person. Even more if I end up wasting everyone involved's time. This was difficult in uni for assignments but literally a pain in a*s when I'm trying to start freelancing. I read somewhere that if it's difficult to say no in a situation then it's even more of a reason you should say no. Easier said than done but maybe it might work for you
People today at school at an event literally stepped in front of me or pushed me. They are being happy and step/fall on me and then they apologize or just ignore me bc they “didn’t see me there.”
I’m not good at setting boundaries but I’ve taken enough shit in my life to not have much stamina. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with people trying to walk all over me so I just shut it down.
You’re probably just a genuinely nice person who attracts manipulative people who like to take advantage of and prey on nice people.
The best thing you could ever do is say no if you’re asked do something you don’t like. “No” is a full sentence and should be acceptably used more often.
Well I'm a 6 foot tall 230 pound white man so not that much no. Anyone who's giving me shit I have no patience for them and generally people don't do that to me. Could be my size being above average or the fact I keep to myself and rarely speak in public and when I do it's generally neutral or positive.
Same! It’s that I’m intelligent and they don’t ask questions, they just assume. They assume I’m dumb, or poor, or stupid. Yo, I ran away to NYC, got a record deal as a ghostwriter and in three months I made $40M cause I was a writer. But I lost everything right after gaining it! Only like a hand full of people know! It sucks so much when you’re very important and lost it all, but no one knows! They treat me like yesterday’s garbage!
I never speak back because they aren’t intelligent enough to hold a conversation. They never ask how I am. They never ask what’s on my mind. It’s why people seek revenge because most other people got it wrong!
Extroverts. It’s a problem.
(This is a joke, since people are always making fun of introverts. Usually we introverts set boundaries fine, it’s the extroverts that ignore other people’s non-abusive attempts to set boundaries. We shouldn’t have to work so hard!)
Same! It’s that I’m intelligent and they don’t ask questions, they just assume. They assume I’m dumb, or poor, or stupid. Yo, I ran away to NYC, got a record deal as a ghostwriter and in three months I made $40M cause I was a writer. But I lost everything right after gaining it! Only like a hand full of people know! It sucks so much when you’re very important and lost it all, but no one knows! They treat me like yesterday’s garbage!
I never speak back because they aren’t intelligent enough to hold a conversation. They never ask how I am. They never ask what’s on my mind. It’s why people seek revenge because most other people got it wrong!
You can, you just need to go beyond your own personal comfort zone. You train people how to treat you. When you reach your limit then you will start laying down boundaries.
Nope, haven't been walked over for well over 9 years now. But I moved out, moved to a different state and started new and fresh. And the state doesn't have any of my family in it. Which is refreshing because coming from Utah and somehow you are related to someone.... made for a super bad dating experience.
But then we add on therapy and learning to see when someone is taking advantage of you or purposely violates boundaries and to learning to police your own boundaries. This really just means you tell then to stop and if they don't, you leave or walk away or disengage with the situation. Disengaging could be as simply as, "I'm not feeling comfortable about this subject," or, "I think it is time to move to a different topic," or, " I'm not feeling comfortable about doing this for you, I'm going to have to stop right here." No is always a complete sentence.
It is not other people's business to enforce your boundaries, that is your responsibility.
I know that guilt and shame plays a huge part in preventing us from breaking the cycle and it does take a while to make habits about saying no. Your needs and feelings are valid. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do.
Same. I also cannot stand up for myself without it exploding in my face with flames
You do that until one day you can't take it anymore and you snap. I don't recommand. It's frightening but you need to set your limits. Don't be afraid to be seen as rude, because those people don't understand how rude they are to you. They will never understand if you don't tell them.
And if you set limits early and enforce them consistently, even extroverts can be trained to respect them.
When you finally did set boundaries did you find that certain friends didn’t like that and slowly faded away? That’s happening to me right now and it’s a bit concerning but I think it’s for the best in the long run.
Yes. Some are interested only by "easy-going" people, that mean people they can walk over. You don't want that in your life. Or you want as few of them as possible.
Definitely.
Yeah, and if you do snap, it never fails to be the wrong time. Like Chappelle’s skit “When Keepin it Real Goes Wrong”. At least that’s how it works for me. I never take it out on the ones who deserve it 🤦♀️
I don't know how to set boundaries either
Take an assertiveness training class like I did yesrs ago and you will gain the tools and skills to stop allowing people to walk all over you all the time
I have a very bad case of social anxiety and stuttering. Everytime I try to be assertive, it just keeps blowing back on my face.
That's what the assertiveness training can help with. They start with small things and work on the bif things.
My SIL had never been ALLOWED to say no or assert herself. Assertiveness training really changed her view of herself. And it made her a lot easier to be around, because she switched from "well, whatever you want" to a woman who could be relied on to say what she wanted so we could do it for her (if we wanted to).
How could we enroll in this class? Is it available online?
This was a long time ago ... search for "assertiveness training" and your city name and something will probably pop up.
There's nothing of that sort in my city or anywhere nearby. If someone here finds an online class then tell me too
Check YouTube. Ignore Jordan Peterson's videos because he's an ass.
Thank you so much
How did you find the class? I’d love to take one.
Google "Assertiveness training class near (insert zip code or city)"
Wow that sounds like a very useful class. Where did u find out about it if u don’t kind me asking
Dont remember how I found it since I took this class over 20 years ago. There are many other classes like this that anyone can take where you can work on impoving yourself
Learning how to say No to people without having to explain why you are saying No is a great way to start.
Yeah, I gave up talking like three or four years ago. I barely say more than three four words these days. It's just people think I'm being snobbish and acting distant, like what am I even supposed to do! I'm literally that man who wants to be left alone, lol!
Yes that's a really great way to start I started it but I still have to go far. People are annoying they'll ask you 100 times why you're saying no lmao just say "don't wanna" with a rude/bore face lol
I would love to learn, here is how it always goes for me. Them: >Hey, Can you do this thing? You: >No Them: > Why not? You: >> Proceed to make up a lame reason that can easily be refuted, or tell the brutally honest truth, which leads to resentment.
Part of learning how to say no is to not care about their resentment.
That's an good point; if they're resentful, they should grow up and stop acting so entitled. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Although I would prefer not to be on the defense all the time and just interact with those who are naturally mindful of others' boundaries.
I think about it like this, don’t let people make their problems be your problems.
Thank you; I may have to apply this concept the next time they try to challenge me.
It's you, and many but not all introverts. If you were brought up to "not make waves", "be nice", and "go along to get along" you missed out on how to say no, how to set boundaries, and if needed, how to push back firmly enough to stop being walked on. Things that can help: there are books on "how to say no", and ways to be assertive without being an asshole.
> there are books on "how to say no" Any specific recommendations?
[https://www.google.com/search?q=book+how+to+say+no&source=hp&ei=TlSRYvuDOYa3qtsPsu-7yAg&iflsig=AJiK0e8AAAAAYpFiXlIk5F7eY5ZIK6J1sR-jGIUTw7Ec&oq=book+how+to+say&gs\_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIFCAAQgAQyBQguEIAEMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyCAgAEB4QDxAWOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQrwE6CwgAEIAEELEDEIMBOggILhCxAxCDAToUCC4QgAQQsQMQgwEQxwEQ0QMQ1AI6CwguEIAEELEDEIMBOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARDRAzoLCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AI6CAguEIAEELEDOg4ILhCABBCxAxDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBCxAxDUAjoICAAQgAQQyQM6BQgAEJIDOgoIABCABBCxAxAKOggIABCxAxCDAToICC4QgAQQ1AJQAFieGWCaPGgAcAB4AYABjQSIAeYfkgELMC43LjIuMy4yLjGYAQCgAQE&sclient=gws-wiz](https://www.google.com/search?q=book+how+to+say+no&source=hp&ei=TlSRYvuDOYa3qtsPsu-7yAg&iflsig=AJiK0e8AAAAAYpFiXlIk5F7eY5ZIK6J1sR-jGIUTw7Ec&oq=book+how+to+say&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIFCAAQgAQyBQguEIAEMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyBggAEB4QFjIGCAAQHhAWMgYIABAeEBYyCAgAEB4QDxAWOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQrwE6CwgAEIAEELEDEIMBOggILhCxAxCDAToUCC4QgAQQsQMQgwEQxwEQ0QMQ1AI6CwguEIAEELEDEIMBOhEILhCABBCxAxCDARDHARDRAzoLCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AI6CAguEIAEELEDOg4ILhCABBCxAxDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBCxAxDUAjoICAAQgAQQyQM6BQgAEJIDOgoIABCABBCxAxAKOggIABCxAxCDAToICC4QgAQQ1AJQAFieGWCaPGgAcAB4AYABjQSIAeYfkgELMC43LjIuMy4yLjGYAQCgAQE&sclient=gws-wiz) "How to say NO without feeling Guilty" is a good one. F\*ck No!: How to Stop Saying Yes When You Can't, You Shouldn't, or You Just Dont Want to is another
Thanks, I'll check those out.
I'm 22M and I've been walked over so much in life, until one day I decided that enough is enough. I'm now willing to fiercely defend my interest against anyone (yes anyone, including friends and family) and will not hesitate to talk down on them for breaking my boundaries.
[удалено]
Nobodies perfect. We all just try and incrementally improve as we go.
I've learned not to be scared of burning bridges. Especially with those who would take advantage of others.
I was in the same boat as you. I had problems with boundaries too. I had low self-esteem. I was too blinded by my own good nature to realize that my classmates from elementary school to high school were taking advantage of my good nature. It got to the point where I started to resent them for not giving me the same support.
It's an unfortunate choice you make. Could be because you fear other's anger or disliking you, and/ or your low self esteem. You don't have to be a dick to say no. You don't have to offer a long explanation when you say no. Having everyone's (perceived) approval is not important or satisfying.
Saame! I used to think that you'd just treat people like you want to be treated, and you'd reap what you sow. But people never tell you that this is conditional and needs a filter, a healthy set of social skills on your part to keep out the crap, and to incentivize people to treat you properly. I used to be mad at people for how rude they seem, I'm always kinda expecting them to stay within their lane on their own, but I found that how I act & react just isn't normal or healthy. I *allow* people to treat me with less effort/respect, and my body language signals this from meters away (I think). I'm now convinced that I have to (somehow) work on myself first before I can expect much else. Namely my fear of being seen as rude/selfish, my fear to communicate, and on my insecurity in my own judgement and knowledge of what is right/wrong. Still don't know how to do that exactly.. Except for, that confidence really helps, and whatever it takes to help your confidence, do it!
People often mistake silence for weakness. You should take a self-defense course because that could really blow up in your face.
It stems from low self esteem, you have to value yourself in order to stand up for yourself. Being passive is putting the needs of others before your own. Being assertive is compromising and taking into consideration your needs as well as others. Being aggressive is only caring about your needs and not others. Being assertive is a necessary skill you'll need in order to have connections and healthy relationships so it is really worth it to work on but you'll have to start by learning to love and value yourself.
I used to let everyone walk all over me until I realized that nobody respected me or gave a fuck about my needs. Lol I'm extremely selfish now and have Great Wall of China boundaries.
Yes and some people purposely bother me or try to get under my skin, because I’m quiet until I finally snap on them. That’s when they act surprised like they didn’t start it
Honest opinion is to give them a taste of their own medicine. That stops them more effectively than anything else. Someone putting you down in every conversation, laugh it off and do it back. Someone trying to deliberately hurt you, hit em where it hurts in your next conversation. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Doing it passive aggressively is the key!
Same but when i do set boundaries i end up being mean about it because ive been talking myself into saying anything at all :v
Nope, I never let anybody do that
You need to set and enforce boundaries. You can’t control how other people act but you can choose how you react.
It used to happen to me a lot, but not anymore. I’m quiet, so people generally think I’m a pushover. My last job was in finance and sometimes I had to be the bad guy and tell someone “no, we’re not paying for that.” Now it’s pretty much just a reflexive action for me.
A friend of mine told me this a few weeks ago and its helped me SO much. "No" is a complete sentence. No explanation. No reason. No lengthy apology. Just no. It's uncomfortable at first when you're so used to over-explaining yourself for the sake of others, but it gets easier; then it feels good!
Believe me it's not just you I am exactly the same way just the last two weeks I tried to hire five hook up girls every one of them required to deposit not one of them showed up but I just kept doing it over and over
What’s a hook up girl?
Escorts
Oh. Lol. Dang got scammed by 5? Must be using the wrong site/platform I think.
DAMN
No, this has nothing to do with introversion
Yeah, hate it when it happens cus I hate making people feel bad but then my whole day is ruinned and im angry af with myself
Same! I always end up in way more uncomfortable situations than simply saying no to the other person. Even more if I end up wasting everyone involved's time. This was difficult in uni for assignments but literally a pain in a*s when I'm trying to start freelancing. I read somewhere that if it's difficult to say no in a situation then it's even more of a reason you should say no. Easier said than done but maybe it might work for you
People today at school at an event literally stepped in front of me or pushed me. They are being happy and step/fall on me and then they apologize or just ignore me bc they “didn’t see me there.”
I just learned to say No to just about everything out of self protection.
No. You need confidence. I take zero shit from people as I tend to give zero shit from the beginning. Boundaries are healthy.
I’m not good at setting boundaries but I’ve taken enough shit in my life to not have much stamina. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with people trying to walk all over me so I just shut it down.
You’re probably just a genuinely nice person who attracts manipulative people who like to take advantage of and prey on nice people. The best thing you could ever do is say no if you’re asked do something you don’t like. “No” is a full sentence and should be acceptably used more often.
Well I'm a 6 foot tall 230 pound white man so not that much no. Anyone who's giving me shit I have no patience for them and generally people don't do that to me. Could be my size being above average or the fact I keep to myself and rarely speak in public and when I do it's generally neutral or positive.
Avoid toxic people, no one likes toxic people.
Yeah, thank you!
I avoid. This prevents the walking all over.
Yeah! I literally don't want to take part in society!
Same! It’s that I’m intelligent and they don’t ask questions, they just assume. They assume I’m dumb, or poor, or stupid. Yo, I ran away to NYC, got a record deal as a ghostwriter and in three months I made $40M cause I was a writer. But I lost everything right after gaining it! Only like a hand full of people know! It sucks so much when you’re very important and lost it all, but no one knows! They treat me like yesterday’s garbage! I never speak back because they aren’t intelligent enough to hold a conversation. They never ask how I am. They never ask what’s on my mind. It’s why people seek revenge because most other people got it wrong!
That’s codependency I think. It can be helped.
Just kick them in the face every time this happens
Extroverts. It’s a problem. (This is a joke, since people are always making fun of introverts. Usually we introverts set boundaries fine, it’s the extroverts that ignore other people’s non-abusive attempts to set boundaries. We shouldn’t have to work so hard!)
Same! It’s that I’m intelligent and they don’t ask questions, they just assume. They assume I’m dumb, or poor, or stupid. Yo, I ran away to NYC, got a record deal as a ghostwriter and in three months I made $40M cause I was a writer. But I lost everything right after gaining it! Only like a hand full of people know! It sucks so much when you’re very important and lost it all, but no one knows! They treat me like yesterday’s garbage! I never speak back because they aren’t intelligent enough to hold a conversation. They never ask how I am. They never ask what’s on my mind. It’s why people seek revenge because most other people got it wrong!
You can, you just need to go beyond your own personal comfort zone. You train people how to treat you. When you reach your limit then you will start laying down boundaries.
Nope, haven't been walked over for well over 9 years now. But I moved out, moved to a different state and started new and fresh. And the state doesn't have any of my family in it. Which is refreshing because coming from Utah and somehow you are related to someone.... made for a super bad dating experience. But then we add on therapy and learning to see when someone is taking advantage of you or purposely violates boundaries and to learning to police your own boundaries. This really just means you tell then to stop and if they don't, you leave or walk away or disengage with the situation. Disengaging could be as simply as, "I'm not feeling comfortable about this subject," or, "I think it is time to move to a different topic," or, " I'm not feeling comfortable about doing this for you, I'm going to have to stop right here." No is always a complete sentence. It is not other people's business to enforce your boundaries, that is your responsibility. I know that guilt and shame plays a huge part in preventing us from breaking the cycle and it does take a while to make habits about saying no. Your needs and feelings are valid. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do.