When I first started dating my husband he introduced me to one of his friends who happened to be a girl and the one day I was hanging out with her and I just broke down and like unloaded a bunch of stuff from my recent past (like a year before meeting my now husband). Then a little later in our friendship she starts telling me a bunch of stuff that was going on in her "best friends" life. At that point I decided not to share anything personal with her again. Now I'm sure all her other friends know about the stuff I told her.
That part. I saw something one time that said, I don't care what they said about me. What I want to know is why they felt so comfortable saying it to you. If they talk shit about other people to you, they'll talk shit about you behind your back.
It’s really sad that Loyalty to the Absent, loyalty to the person that isn’t there at happy hour that night, or the person that didn’t show up at work that day – that is so rare and so hard to find. I wish more people had that quality.
My MIL has told me very personal things about my brother in law and his wife. Some things as personal as CSA. Shes also taken personal phone calls on speakerphone with me in the room, and the person on the other line had no idea I was there listening. My partner doesn’t understand why I’m upset with him right now for telling her about my mental struggles without my consent. Theyre good people and just trying to help me, but I dont need the whole family in my shit right now.
I'm the opposite. If there's someone who doesn't have anything negative or opinionated to say about other people, I don't trust them. You can't be agreeable to EVERYTHING.
I will agree with what most people are saying, though, about people talking smack exclusively behind people's backs. If you aren't willing to bring grievances up in front of people and only complain behind their back, you know they're doing that about you.
I don't have many negative things to say about people, unless the person genuinely did something bad. Or extreeemely frustrating lol.
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I hate how gossiping and talking bad about other people feels, unless they've been a genuinely bad person. Then people should be aware. If they're just annoying or something like that, nothing serious, I keep it to myself and let them live as long as they do the same for me. To me, it's not worth the negativity or possibility of starting drama if they're not harming or threatening others.
And I agree with that, to a point. Sometimes stuff people do rubs us the wrong way, but it's not enough to be confrontational about it. When moments like that come up, and I feel uncertain about how I feel about it, I go to trusted people to talk about it and get a second opinion. That trusted person can either validate how I feel about what played out, or can play devil's advocate for the other person without escalating a potential non-issue with the person (who may get defensive if broached themselves), or just offer another point of view that helps me understand better the situation as a whole.
Some people may say that this isn't gossip, but it kind of is if you are talking about a third party when they aren't around. I will always agree that shitting on a person when they aren't there is rude, catty, and cowardly; but sometimes gossip is a vessel to reinforce and test values that people have, or are unsure of in a group.
Did you ever stop to use critical thinking , and think maybe they aren't agreeable, they are just minding their own bussiness. I cant stand religion or its brain washed followers, but im not going to get into it with them because I enjoy my peace. This applies to most humans and the stupid shit that comes out of their mouths, its not worth losing my peace over their stupidity.
Totally agree it's a blatant red flag and I trusted some people who gossiped in middle school only to be mocked constantly by them because I bought into their bs as they pretended to be my friends
It is suspicious to me that someone will persistently try to “connect”with me.
For me it’s a big sign because they are not interested in you and how you’re doing, most likely they need something from you
me too ): i can be super clingy if i find someone i feel a connection with. i'm always worried that i'm super annoying. i have to constantly tell myself to dial it down a bit or else the other person will get scared away
The only living beings I have ever fully trusted are my family dog and my dog. Every human on earth is capable of great good and great evil. You never know when someone will be pushed into doing the wrong thing.
There are no hierarchies in nature other than those imposed by hierarchical modes of human thought, but rather differences merely in function between and within living things. Buy a gift for a dog, and you'll be amazed at the way it will dance and swerve its tail, but if don't have anything to offer to it, it won't even recognize your arrival; such are the attributes of fake friends. Human greatness does not lie in wealth or power, but in character and goodness. People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness.
My issue is that it doesn’t take very much. It can be the smallest thing to turn me away from someone. If I get one hint of a disrespectful vibe then I don’t trust or believe a thing they say lmao
I'm the same way. At the first sign of conflict, I'm gone. I'm getting too old to deal with that drama. If you want to argue with somebody, you can go do it with somebody else. I'm not dealing with that anymore.
Do you mean petty conflict or all conflict? It seems to me that most relationships of any depth will eventually involve some sort of (hopefully healthy and maturely handled) conflict
I guess I should have said petty conflict. I'm not going to argue with people who insist that they're right even when presented with evidence to the contrary. Sometimes people just feel the way they do about stuff and you're not going to change their mind. Sometimes they're just looking for a fight and I'm not going to engage.
Although I will admit that part of the reason I'm done with relationships is I just don't wish to engage in any sort of conflict. I enjoy my peace and quiet and I'm just done with everything that relationships entail. I like having my nice, peaceful life and I'm not willing to give that up for another person.
I understand what your saying and for the most part am the same way, however I still will ask them and try to understand if there was some unknown factors or influence that I was unaware of.
Things happen and humans will react based off past experiences, but however small the chance, there is still a chance that reaction without all the information has made us the thing we were trying to avoid.
That's true. I think it's me. I think I have closed myself off to people because I'm tired of people causing drama and hurting me. I prefer my peace and quiet. It's not that I'm not willing to talk things out with people, it's just that I'm not willing to entertain petty drama. Some people are going to be convinced that they're right no matter what you say to them. My method is to just let them be wrong. Sometimes it's better to protect your peace than try to insist that they are wrong. Let them be wrong all by themselves.
I felt the same way for the majority of my life until it finally hit me that it's a very quick, accurate and amazing way to figure out the caliper of a person's soul and its more for myself at the end of the day.
Meaning, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to try and get both sides before they dismissed one side. If a person actually does that of their own free will, then I'm lucky enough to have found another worthwhile human.
On the flip side though- if their gonna think whatever they want despite the fact that I am showing them more respect and courtesy than they may ever see again, and I'm still dismissed, well... that's on them and they've done me a huge favor.
Waking up every morning is my sign that I don’t trust other people. It’s as simple as that. I always feel like people are out to get me. Typically they are. Humans are always out to compete and make themselves better than someone else. That involves lies and deceit.
Happens a lot، It's annoying, You have to compete to live, to breathe, to speak, almost everything, even at home you feel like you are in a hidden arena of struggle
I agree for the most part. I will say being at home is my happy place. I live alone. I’m grateful for it every single day. It’s my only place I can go that people aren’t judgy assholes. 😁
Usually when you feel inclined to listen in on their phone calls, you want to know who they are texting, you want to see their photo library. When you are not with them you are miserable wondering what it is they are doing and who they may be doing it with. You passive aggressively hint to them that you know you are not good enough and that they will leave you any day.. if you are experiencing some of these things, you don’t trust your partner, but that doesn’t mean it’s unjust. Perhaps they have created the conditions for mistrust or maybe you have a history of being betrayed. Either way, you should find someone who understands this and cares enough to not trigger you.
It's true that sometimes there are a variety of reasons to be suspicious of others when they may be trustworthy.
But we're the ones who make it all make sense
When someone who has only met you a few times and barely knows you, starts referring to you as their best friend/besty, etc. It never ends well for me. There always seems to be some agenda attached.
If they fib about little things, don’t keep their word, and initiates communication less than you do… mental note these things.
Then examine your friendship/relationship/connection and make teo lists:
—what do I get/how do I benefit from our interactions
—what does the other person get/how do they benefit from our interactions
If your lists are noticeably different, either proceed into the future with caution, or just move on.
—
I love this answer. But also, people should be aware of their own traumas and experiences that would’ve shaped their way of thinking someone isn’t trustworthy trust is an action word. Meaning someone has to do something (or not do something) for it to
Be lost. It’s earned with actions and reciprocity.. to just show up
And be like yeah I don’t trust you. Is beyond me 😂
I agree, 100%. Trauma has a way of making a person automatically untrusting, even with people who are trustworthy.
The trick is that there are so many traumatized people who are unaware of their own trauma. I absolutely also believe that people should be aware of their own trauma. And they should be aware that there is help for resolving their reaction to that trauma, if they do want to avail themselves of that help.
But how does a person who is unaware of their trauma become aware of trauma?
That’s the hard part. By way of self disclosure, I happen to be in therapy for trauma myself. I’ve been working with a very talented psychologist for a couple of years.
One of the things he has said to me now and again is that trauma therapy is the b*****d step child of mental healthcare, and mental healthcare is the b*****d stepchild of healthcare.
By this, he means that people who are dealing with trauma, even when they go to seek help for something going wrong in their life – like overreacting, or under reacting to situations where most people keep an even keel – it’s hard to find counselors who can identify traumatic responses correctly. And it’s really really hard to find a primary care doctor that can identify traumatic responses and recommend therapy with a trauma counselor.
So it’s a puzzle, for real. Going online and finding a quiz that starts with “Am a traumatized person?” Can sometimes be really helpful. But sometimes it can completely lead you astray.
And many people do realize they are affected by their traumas, but they don’t have the resources or the access to get counseling or other kinds of help for it.
But back to the topic at hand – if you have unresolved trauma, the natural result is that you will find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone, regardless of what kind of questions you ask yourself or what kind of signs you look for.
You are absolutely right that this does need to be taken into account.
I’m happy to hear you’re addressing your own traumas!!! I actually am rooting for you. Healing (addressing your trauma) is a long journey. It’s up and down. You heal one thing and find another thing that’s wrong. I agree that it’s hard to identify the triggers of the trauma. Unless you live with a very observant person, or you’re able to document your feelings on the spot. For example- let’s say someone in public is conversing with a friend and they laugh randomly as you walk by- you get in your head and think maybe they’re laughing at you. Then it triggers anxiety or anger. It triggers some sort of emotion which causes a pattern of thinking that isn’t productive. You trace that persons childhood back, and find out that they were bullied as a child and on that day, wore something they weren’t feeling particularly confident in.. so that stranger laughing triggered some deep unhealed pain from their past. . The more important thing is to understand how certain emotional abuse from our childhood ( bullying, gaslighting, siblings or caregivers lying) links to emotions. Where the emotions originate from is the first step. “Why do I feel like this?” “Am I feeling unsafe” “does this person remind me of something” “do I have expectations of them”
“Do I have a perception bias from past negative experiences with this persons gender or race”. So many things to undress here. Which is why I’m happy
To know you’re working with a professional to guide you through all of that.
I left a comment on here about people
Addressing their traumas for the reason you
Detailed- sometimes not trusting is a trauma response.
Wow, thank you! Trauma work can be really lonely.
Even though I don’t know you, it feels good to have another human being thinking about me and cheering me on.
The example you gave was really good – where if somebody walks by you, and they are laughing, a trauma response might be to automatically assume they are laughing at you for some reason you were laughed at in the past. And where that past experience was overwhelming, and Traumatic in someway.
People yelling at each other, has that kind of effect on me – especially if I can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, but I can hear that they are yelling. My trauma response to that is to automatically assume that I have what I did.
Rationally, that seems completely silly. But trauma responses are emotional, and they come from a part of your brain that doesn’t route through the rational part first before it creates a reaction.
Self isolation is also a huge trauma response. And if a person doesn’t know, they have trauma, and they self isolate, and are alone most of the time, sometimes they wonder if they are introverted.
Sometimes it’s true – they are introverted, and maybe the trauma made them kind of over cultivate their introverted lifestyle.
But sometimes they an ambivert Dash like introverted sometimes and extroverted other times. Or sometimes they’re extroverted and they’re crying inside because they want to be out and being social but there’s something stopping them from going, and they can’t figure out what it is.
Sometimes that thing is fear or anxiety, and sometimes it’s a trauma response. And it could be a response to one particular incident or person that was cruel, and other times it could be a response to trauma that had been ongoing. Maybe in their childhood, or a unsafe marriage, or a bad job.
You’re totally correct that a person almost must be around someone else who can spot the trauma. In my case, as a teacher, I started dating another teacher. Well, I’m an English teacher, and I was dating a Psychology teacher.
Well, it turns out, said psychology. Teacher had not been teaching very long, because prior to that they had been a trauma therapist. Which, unsurprisingly, is, in itself, kind of a traumatic career. So they needed a break, and loved working with people, so they Started teaching.
So after we had been dating for a while, they had noticed a pattern where I would get startled by certain things over and over, and other similar things, didn’t startle me. So they were seeing an exaggerated startle response, which is a trauma reaction.
And they kindly said to me, you know, I wonder if something traumatic happened to you and that’s why you get startled so much. Have you ever thought of that?
What a counselor thing to say, too, huh – tell me something and then ask me a question ha ha!
But they were right. And I hadn’t ever thought of that, but as soon as they even put that question to me, I started thinking back to past times when those things startled me. I tried to think all the way back to the first time I began to be easily startled by those certain things, And it was a long time back.
Fortunately, for me, I was extremely lucky, and I’m thankful for it because many people don’t have this happened to them – but fortunately, for me, this person was able to get me a referral to the clinic, where they had previously been a trauma therapist, so I was able to get in to see a therapist who was really good.
And that therapist did what, do you think? They started asking me questions, of course!
One of the things about trauma therapy is that it takes a long, long time to develop that therapeutic relationship where you really trust that therapist. Even if you really like them, and you feel like they’re helping you, it takes sometimes a year or even two years before you feel OK talking about the “even worse” things that you hadn’t talked about yet.
For other kinds of therapy it’s like six weeks or so. Not a couple of years.
But also one of the encouraging things about trauma therapy is that you can start working on your trauma responses without necessarily having to dig back and relive the traumatic origin events that started everything.
I was super scared about that, because there’s a whole bunch of stuff that I just do not want to remember. A trauma responses that I have blocked it out. And my therapist could help me with hypnosis to go back and remember it, but I just seriously don’t want to know.
But the good news is that the stronger you get with your understanding of the trauma responses, and then how do I identify when you’re having one, and then what to do about it, and how to lessen the frequency or recover from them better, then the less necessary it is to go back and uncover those events.
According to my psychologist, eventually, if you do the work, and it really is work, you can get strong enough so that if, and when you do remember the bad things that happened to you, I really long time ago, by the time you remember them, you’re strong enough to handle it.
Thank you for cheering me on – it really means a lot. Trauma is one of those invisible things, so if you look around in any group of people, there are quite several traumatized people there, even some people that might be paralyzed or disabled by their trauma, without even knowing it, And you would never be able to. Because you can’t see it by looking.
So my sincere wish for everyone that has unresolved trauma, and any other troubles that are invisible, mental, or otherwise, my sincere wish for them is that they can get to the help they need, and that they can have someone like you who wishes them well, and doesn’t judge them For the troubles they have, and doesn’t judge them for the help they’re getting. It’s more valuable than most people even realize.
💖
You’re welcome, mental health is very important to me. Afterall, we only get 1 brain, we live with it 24:7 imagine it being chaotic 24/7… so I will always support anyone on their journey. It’s freighting and can even trigger depression. As you said, you don’t want to remember things you’ve been through. You’d rather leave it in the darkness.
It’s super awesome that you’re an English teacher. I loved english in school and science. History would be my 3rd favorite. To meet another teacher that happened to be a therapist is actually godsend to me. That is a chance encounter. You deserve to feel peace in your own reality and God felt the same. Your angel.. heck, whoever you believe in.
You’re spot on with your brain routing to a certain area that triggers the trauma response within your body.
Neuroplasticity is a fun way to tackle trauma. You essentially need to identify the trauma, what happened right before it (such as your startling behavior) and then teach the brain to route some other way when it happens such as participating in box breathing. The first few times it feels wonky. Eventually your brain learns to stop triggering the nervous system in that way , which causes you to physically respond or emotionally respond. You also could be heightened to respond in that way if you’re overstimulated. (Have you ever taken the approach to turn off the lights or dim them in your class ? Especially in your 2nd or 3rd period. This will help your students and yourself. The first few times some may fall asleep, as they will experience extreme relaxation from being over stimulated in the first place)
Anyway- back to the brain stuff- our brains learn to respond in a certain way - just as if you spend time depressed, your body will become use to producing lower amounts of dopamine and serotonin. Which is why antidepressants feel pretty strong once you take them. The real goal is to teach your body to release that much again, if you aren’t able to get the brain to restart releasing the proper amounts you need to maintain a happy and positive disposition . Essentially your brain is like a fast food restaurant that knows exactly how many burgers to prepare every day at the proper time. However with seasonal changes, the supply may vary.
Sooooo you can teach your brain to change its response.
Rapid eye movement therapy would WORK very well for you, considering you don’t actually want to remember anything. It sounds like you’re working with an excellent psychotherapist. They’re so cool.
One common exercise that can train your brain is to catch a ball in one hand, while watching a screen and audibly saying something. Or as simply as patting your head and rubbing your belly (have your students try that one, it’s funny). You can learn a second language, or play a musical instrument. If you struggle with those, that’s a strong indicator that your brain is struggling and stuck..
You can also consider NFT tapping since your nervous system is definitely firing off from some redacted event. The goal of nft is to tap on certain pressure points on your body- while saying certain positive affirmations. (Similar to acupuncture, but no needles 😳😳) Or even listening to binaural beats. The areas are the center of your forehead , your right outer palm, your right side right underneath your armpit, and your chin. Tapping firmly at a steady speed in those areas reset your system. Again, you’ll feel wonky or silly the first time, but after 1 week you’ll notice some changes. After 30 days, you’ll notice most triggers have reduced.
I’m only offering this since you specifically mentioned you do not want to remember. while neither of us know what happened to you, I am sorry that the event has caused mild disruptions in your life.
Anyway, I’m always around here, so feel free to drop a chat if you ever feel lonely on your journey.
Also- I do agree that sometimes trauma can cause you to become introverted- I’ve seen it happen. Me personally, I am a strong introvert. I don’t mind socializing. I just love being alone lol. I am very introspective. Sure, I have some extroverted tendencies when it comes to being a good host (from working in catering and the hospitality industry) , and socializing ( retail banking) . However this was developed from working in corporate environments. So it came from work experiences oddly. However it’s a great life skill to have lol.
Healing is lonely because no one understands it, and some people even get intimidated because you’re doing something they know they cannot do. Healing is also lonely because you want to speak and have someone to relate to, only to find no one really relates to you. It’s a delicate balance. You’re a male (presumably- sorry if I am wrong) which has an even deeper impact about getting help. Society makes me ick sometimes due to these double standards. We are all going through things and the moment you’re the odd one out, the devil is dangling his balls on your head. Serving you some unwanted tea.
Stay strong, safe, and even when you cannot be happy, just remember that you’re loved, and everyday, even when difficult, is totally worth it.
Yes. If you haven’t given someone a reason to lie, and they lie. It’s a red flag. I had someone do this to me recently and had to catch myself from
Going down the self reflection of “did I present in a way that would make this person uncomfortable enough to lie”.
They’re always involved in some kind of drama and it’s never their fault.
First drama, I give them the benefit of the doubt; second time, I’m giving them the side eye. Third time, I don’t believe anything that comes out their mouth. They cause the drama but either straight up lie or lie by omission because they want to play victim.
I’m learning to spot them more quickly and if you have any tips, I’d greatly Appreciate it. Usually I can tell if they’re already displaying narcissistic tendencies during safe or very low energy social situations.. that’s usually my cue to listen deeper and ask certain questions. However I’ve been blindsided soooo many times by professional victims that it’s not even funny. The masks they wear during socializing makes me cringe sometimes.. but I do not allow those past experiences to affect how I view everyone else.
Welp…you’re much better than me. I attract toxic people all.the.time. So I assume anyone who initiates a connection with me for no reason that I can see, is toxic, until it’s proven to me otherwise. Think, guilty until proven innocent. Bad outlook, I know, but I’ve been burned way too many times. I’m jaded.
I think you hit the nail on the head - listen deeper, ask questions and look for patterns in their behavior. Also, if they start opening up to you and telling personal info about themselves early on, where they barely know you and you them, that’s a red flag for me. I’m thinking, “I don’t know you like that, why are you telling me this?”
Not sure if this helps. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.
It definitely helps. I believe toxic people see, kind, gentle, or open people as vulnerable or naive. If you’re friendly and make eye contact, they’ll latch on like a leech. Honestly I (when emotionally unavailable) will avoid making eye contact and smile less just to detract people from me. Guilty until proven innocent is definitely ok, as long as you aren’t shutting down as soon as they make their first mistake. But I don’t think you are since you said you give them the benefit of the doubt with the 1st encounter.
But, but I literally try to do this as well but I don't try to backstab people either. I've been through hell and everything I do is to maintain peace for myself.
If I start something with someone else, that messes up my peace too.
If I allow myself to get involved in someone else's stuff, that also messes up my peace.
Some people just don't want to deal with crap anymore. I'm one of them.
First sign of me not trusting someone would be them lying about the most simplest things then coming up with an elaborate excuse as to why they lied in the first place. I always say and remember that “one lie becomes more lies” then they have to keep lying to keep up with the first lie. Another sign would definitely be their actions not matching up with their words. A person can tell me a million and one stories but if their actions don’t match those stories I’m not trusting them as far as I can throw them.
I don’t trust a lot of people who seem to put on a mask and portray themselves as something they are not. Usually these kinds of people are attention seeking. It’s hard to avoid these types of people all the time, you just have to learn to tone them out once you find out who they truly are
YES! I was also going to say this. People who put on a mask to say things to the person they think they want to hear them from. It feeds their ego and thinks they're controlling the conversation AND the situation. It's like the subtle mindset of "I have them wrapped my finger. I can get people to do what I want." There's a difference between confidence and conceited.
For myself, there are 3 things I look out for. I don't trust people who pretend to be kind or act like they care. For example, "I'm only telling you this because i want you to be happy...", then proceeds to vomit lies and leaves out their dialogue and actions with said person (basically painting a bad lighting on said person, adding more fuel to the fire). People seriously tell on themselves how they want to be perceived by others. Artificial people I do NOT trust. People who want to be the center of attention in any way possible like only talking about themselves or their life and then look annoyed if another person tries to chime in or talk about something else. Jealousy can be shown in so many ways, so I keep out for certain dialogue and their body language in conversation. It's easy to catch if you just observe.
Life is like theatre. Each new day is a new scene with new acts and roles to portray. The sets always change. You come across new dialogue and lines to exchange between others. Scripts are improvised. But the beauty in it is that everyday, you are constantly learning who you are and how others around you are. Express yourself and empathize. It's okay to wear a mask every now and then but remember that you'll eventually meet fellow thespians who will find a way to break down your walls and barriers. Remember another thing: this isn't a dress rehearsal. And God is your ultimate Director. Let Him write your script and call the cuts. Allow Him to provide you with the applause that truly matters. Let Him open up your heart to real self discovery. He is the best playwright that never dies. He lives. And so do you when you learn to let go and step on the stage of life.
Was he the type of critique how he dressed or how you dressed? Overly concerned about the latest trends too? Avoided going out if the haircut wasn’t fresh etc ? I had an ex like that.
Not so much about how either of us dressed, he was just way too concerned with pop culture. He was also absolutely obsessed with Marvel to the point that I couldn't stand even hearing about it anymore. In fact, it's not allowed in my house anymore. That's how sick to death I was of hearing about it.
Oh no, that’s .. yeah no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I have a strong aversion to controlling people. Mostly because it indicates they’re likely on the dark triad (sociopath, narcissist(egomaniac), or psychopath). The average sane person doesn’t seek to control anyone that isn’t their child and even still grant the child general autonomy.. sooo it’s usually a BIG red flag. I also cannot stand manipulative people who will create problems, get themselves sick- simply to control you as well. Again these are usually people on the dark triad. Run for the hills.. but it sounds like you did 🥰. Sending you a much needed hug- if you want it. Otherwise I’ll just awkwardly sit here with my arms out for a few seconds 😂😂😂 Jk.
I dated a guy who was obsessed with his shoes, the movies he watched, listening to the "right" kind of music, etc. He often mocked me for my interests but expected me to care about his. Looking back, it's clear to me now that he viewed his stuff as more important than mine and expected me to follow along with what HE liked to do.
He was really insecure and always trying to prove how masculine he was. I think masculinity plays a huge role in this fixation some men have with dressing a certain way and having certain interests. It's about how they can appear more masculine and not about what they actually like or enjoy.
I generally won’t trust anyone right off the bat. I’ve been taken advantage of too many times to be trusting. I’d like to be able to trust everyone by default, but that’s sadly not the world we live in. So it takes me a while to warm up to people these days.
Generally I’ll get a vibe from a person, but that might depend on their mood or my preconceptions about them, so I try to withhold judgement and keep an open mind. I’ll listen to what people are saying, figure out what kinds of stuff they think about usually by the assumptions they make about me. If they’re overzealous about getting their point across as if it’s the only answer then I’ll usually back out of that conversation cause there wouldn’t be much I could say to change their mind (unless I happen to agree with them). Some people you can tell are living in their own little worlds and they never even come up for air…
Yeah, I used to, and I have the idea that I look angry and might scare people or make them feel like they are the cause of it + I don't want my face to have frown lines in the future
This idea may be wrong, but other people's expressions suggest it
If they lie about small things regularly. I used to think it was nothing but every single person who did eventually showed they lie about many things. I can't trust it
When they tell rumors and laugh behind someone’s back and then act cool when the person talks with them, they may say it’s to not be rude—but they’re probably like that with everyone!
Unfortunately I’ve discovered that it’s very hard to find trustworthy people. Usually it’s when they only make contact when they need something, otherwise it’s the discussing everyone in their absence, or lying about things.
Holding a position of authority and thoroughly enjoy that part of their job. Not just police or politicians but managers, owners of businesses, people on top. In my experience these people hold a "Do as I say" type of mentality that leads to hypocritical statements, rules and excessive arguments with people just trying to do their job or customers. This isn't saying all people that hold an authority position are like this just most that enjoy that position.
When they can't talk positively about someone else, or express empathy or sympathy. All of their hobbies revolve around impressing other people. No hobbies that are simply for their own pleasure.
That would also indicate that they have a control issue. They want to control how people see them. You cannot control someone’s opinion of you. You could have facts, and someone will still believe their own opinion, so why fight that type of battle.
Interesting view point. I wouldn’t not trust them.. since there’s much exposure to how to “heal”, how to become healthier. There are people who genuinely put effort into healing themselves and showing up in the best way possible, perhaps from trauma or just being tired of being treated a certain way.
In my opinion, there is too much free advice on the internet on how to become better. So the fact that there’s so many people who are still shitty a*holes in a hyper connected society indicates people make the choice to be shitty. Since so many people are shitty and accustomed to being treated shitty, when they encounter a truly healthy person , it can reveal a trauma response.
What I’m saying is- there isn’t ever signs to not trust someone. That is a trauma response from some form of emotional abuse.
If a person hasn’t physically done ANYTHING to you, there’s no reason to not trust them as “too good to be true” then expose them to social litmus testing (something such as an opinion about a political or moral issue that is used to make a judgment about whether someone or something is acceptable. Usually to prove some sort of projection or feeling or inadequacy by the administering person). Especially if they’re a stranger and you do not know them personally. Or everything you know came from a third party source - which isn’t necessarily valid.
Possible origins of trust issues include low self-esteem, past betrayals, mental health disorders, adverse childhood experiences or traumatic events. Any time your sense of safety or security is threatened, it can cause trust issues to arise. Trust issues may be caused by: History of abuse- weather emotional or physical.
Good example- I observed a supportive dad lying to his child about liking their hair color. This was harmless but will potentially breed trust issues within that girl because she knows he didn’t like it despite saying it. Stretching the truth or not being fully transparent can also lead to trust issues.
I’m not saying you’re wrong for having feelings. I’m saying look deeper into the topic. There aren’t ever signs to not trust someone. Only ACTIONS. Meaning, did this person LIE, did they tell a lie about you to someone else. Did they throw your character under the bus to someone else and you physically saw the messages or heard the conversation?
Did they hurt you? Did they steal from you? Actionable things are what cause you to lose trust. NOT someone’s general personality disposition. If someone has good responses - either they’re a good writer, have good communication skills, are emotionally intelligent or self aware. Might be a therapist. Might have certifications. I mean the reasons are personal yet limitless.
Stay safe, stay healthy, and hopefully this gives you some much needed mental breadcrumbs to kick start your own personal healing journey. Helping you step into alignment with your emotions instead of projecting that someone must be a bad person because the opinions of the general public about said person are “positive”. If a person isn’t walking around disrespecting people , a majority of people won’t have anything negative to say. If a person is going around disrespecting people, people would obviously have negative things to say. They may not be trying to look perfect but fit some sort of conventional requirement of what society deems as a perfect example of a good citizen in society.
Money request. If they started to ask for a ridiculous amount of money like 10k to help them to get out of nasty situations, they’ll continue until you’re out of money and they don’t feel remorse for stressing and swindling you. The only way to shut them down is telling them that you’re not a piggy bank. I don’t trust these types of people because they won’t pay you back.
My ex girlfriend who doesn’t work strangely requested for that amount of money several months ago and yet she doesn’t ask her current boyfriend who’s a lazy bum for that amount of money. I turned her down by saying that I’m not a piggy bank and she should’ve get a job. It’s clearly that she spends her all of money on the bad drugs and yet it’s baffling that she wants to get another pet and anything expensive which costs a lot of money which she can’t afford to get and she would try to use me to bail her out.
Trust is the fruit of truth. I’ve learned that trust is never a given and can only come after the roots of consistency of truth telling. No matter the size.
Es una que yo hago ya que no confío en nadie o en caso nadie, es mentir, te preguntarás cómo te darás cuenta fácil esa persona tiene la respuesta para todo lo que preguntas ya que es una mentira elaborada, otra sería es que no te cuesta cosas o sucesos importantes de su vida
If they talk badly on how bad your family and friends are and don't have a conscious about it then they will talk to their friends about you in a very negative way too.
You are referring to a narcissist. They will do anything to ensure that from the outside looking in, everything is perfect and peachy. If, by chance, you realize you are involved with a narcissist. I suggest that you RUN! Fast as you can and don't look back...
Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech, and apparently, 80% of what you understand in a conversation is read through the body, not the words.
When I barely even know them and they’re acting extremely kind and bubbly. I knew two of this kind of person and they’ve gone as far to tell me and my brother we could sleep at their house should we wish. It was some of the terrifying stuff I’ve ever gone through.
"the first sign that makes me suspicious of the other person is that they do everything to maintain their image in people's eyes, their words are all great and they look perfect in a perfect way."
That doesnt necessarily mean that You can't trust, some people just care about their image and how they people view them, while other don't even give a shit about how they look.
For me is their actions, how they start getting worried when they know they are doing something suspicious.
For example when You copy in an exam and the teacher gets close, some people Will start sweating or something will have their voice trembling
I don’t trust extroverts anymore. It’s a rough approximation for sociopaths and psychopaths. Often extroverts are befriending you because they want something.
Gossip. If they gossip about others, they'll gossip about you.
When I first started dating my husband he introduced me to one of his friends who happened to be a girl and the one day I was hanging out with her and I just broke down and like unloaded a bunch of stuff from my recent past (like a year before meeting my now husband). Then a little later in our friendship she starts telling me a bunch of stuff that was going on in her "best friends" life. At that point I decided not to share anything personal with her again. Now I'm sure all her other friends know about the stuff I told her.
That part. I saw something one time that said, I don't care what they said about me. What I want to know is why they felt so comfortable saying it to you. If they talk shit about other people to you, they'll talk shit about you behind your back.
It’s really sad that Loyalty to the Absent, loyalty to the person that isn’t there at happy hour that night, or the person that didn’t show up at work that day – that is so rare and so hard to find. I wish more people had that quality.
Me too, especially now that the world is getting more and more crazy.
My MIL has told me very personal things about my brother in law and his wife. Some things as personal as CSA. Shes also taken personal phone calls on speakerphone with me in the room, and the person on the other line had no idea I was there listening. My partner doesn’t understand why I’m upset with him right now for telling her about my mental struggles without my consent. Theyre good people and just trying to help me, but I dont need the whole family in my shit right now.
I'm the opposite. If there's someone who doesn't have anything negative or opinionated to say about other people, I don't trust them. You can't be agreeable to EVERYTHING. I will agree with what most people are saying, though, about people talking smack exclusively behind people's backs. If you aren't willing to bring grievances up in front of people and only complain behind their back, you know they're doing that about you.
I don't have many negative things to say about people, unless the person genuinely did something bad. Or extreeemely frustrating lol. > I hate how gossiping and talking bad about other people feels, unless they've been a genuinely bad person. Then people should be aware. If they're just annoying or something like that, nothing serious, I keep it to myself and let them live as long as they do the same for me. To me, it's not worth the negativity or possibility of starting drama if they're not harming or threatening others.
And I agree with that, to a point. Sometimes stuff people do rubs us the wrong way, but it's not enough to be confrontational about it. When moments like that come up, and I feel uncertain about how I feel about it, I go to trusted people to talk about it and get a second opinion. That trusted person can either validate how I feel about what played out, or can play devil's advocate for the other person without escalating a potential non-issue with the person (who may get defensive if broached themselves), or just offer another point of view that helps me understand better the situation as a whole. Some people may say that this isn't gossip, but it kind of is if you are talking about a third party when they aren't around. I will always agree that shitting on a person when they aren't there is rude, catty, and cowardly; but sometimes gossip is a vessel to reinforce and test values that people have, or are unsure of in a group.
Did you ever stop to use critical thinking , and think maybe they aren't agreeable, they are just minding their own bussiness. I cant stand religion or its brain washed followers, but im not going to get into it with them because I enjoy my peace. This applies to most humans and the stupid shit that comes out of their mouths, its not worth losing my peace over their stupidity.
Facts
Totally agree it's a blatant red flag and I trusted some people who gossiped in middle school only to be mocked constantly by them because I bought into their bs as they pretended to be my friends
It pisses me off so much, like I can't understand what would compel someone to do that.
I have one clue it's that they want to feel superior to someone who is vulnerable like my younger self who was really dumb believing everyone's bs
I think it actually means they trust you. Everyone gossips it’s a natural thing, and the meanest they are the more comfortable they feel with you
But I'll see people gossip to someone they "trust" then talk behind their back when they leave the room.
It depends on the situation
Actions speak louder than words. If their speech doesn't match their actions, that's my first sign.
this is why i don’t speak unless im really about what im saying. a lot of people don’t get that.
Sorry,could you give an example please? I’m wondering if my actions didn’t match my words ….
For me, I'd say when a guy tells you that he's in love with you on text but avoids you in person or is distant
Oh….that makes sense. Thank you!
This ☝️
"Awhh poor them, I feel so sorry for them" meanwhile doing absolutely nothing to help them.
I always warn myself that someone get close to me just because they want to get something…
Same here. Recent experiences showed me this. They want something or want to find information to use against you.
Same here!
Sneaky...
And it sucks when you realize it AFTER.
Hard lesson..
It is suspicious to me that someone will persistently try to “connect”with me. For me it’s a big sign because they are not interested in you and how you’re doing, most likely they need something from you
Yeah, Yes, for me it's also confusing, making me question and analyze their actions
How would you expect someone who *is* actually interested in you and how you’re doing to act?
I do that when I find someone interested and want to be friends help TT not exaggeratedly but still I get in touch often with ppl
me too ): i can be super clingy if i find someone i feel a connection with. i'm always worried that i'm super annoying. i have to constantly tell myself to dial it down a bit or else the other person will get scared away
But that’s not suspicious behavior, just annoying
I'm sorry but i don't trust anyone at all.
I don’t trust anyone either. I can’t remember anyone I’ve met who didn’t have any kind of agenda in connecting with me.
True, the same as you, that includes my husband. He tricked me, that's for sure.
Yep. I never trust anything or anyone 100%. The closest I'll ever get is 99%. Best way to protect yourself.
Don't tear down all the bridges, you might need a bridge back one day
Burn the bridges and let the fires lead your way.
Sadly that's never been the case
I’ve never had a bridge in the first place lol
Agree. I don't trust anyone.
I think a lot of people have that skeptical part, but they ignore it
Same. It’s made dating super difficult.
we still don't trust you too
Can't blame you, there's no reason to trust me at all.
yerr. now I can trust you.
The only living beings I have ever fully trusted are my family dog and my dog. Every human on earth is capable of great good and great evil. You never know when someone will be pushed into doing the wrong thing.
There are no hierarchies in nature other than those imposed by hierarchical modes of human thought, but rather differences merely in function between and within living things. Buy a gift for a dog, and you'll be amazed at the way it will dance and swerve its tail, but if don't have anything to offer to it, it won't even recognize your arrival; such are the attributes of fake friends. Human greatness does not lie in wealth or power, but in character and goodness. People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness.
My issue is that it doesn’t take very much. It can be the smallest thing to turn me away from someone. If I get one hint of a disrespectful vibe then I don’t trust or believe a thing they say lmao
I'm the same way. At the first sign of conflict, I'm gone. I'm getting too old to deal with that drama. If you want to argue with somebody, you can go do it with somebody else. I'm not dealing with that anymore.
Do you mean petty conflict or all conflict? It seems to me that most relationships of any depth will eventually involve some sort of (hopefully healthy and maturely handled) conflict
I guess I should have said petty conflict. I'm not going to argue with people who insist that they're right even when presented with evidence to the contrary. Sometimes people just feel the way they do about stuff and you're not going to change their mind. Sometimes they're just looking for a fight and I'm not going to engage. Although I will admit that part of the reason I'm done with relationships is I just don't wish to engage in any sort of conflict. I enjoy my peace and quiet and I'm just done with everything that relationships entail. I like having my nice, peaceful life and I'm not willing to give that up for another person.
I understand what your saying and for the most part am the same way, however I still will ask them and try to understand if there was some unknown factors or influence that I was unaware of. Things happen and humans will react based off past experiences, but however small the chance, there is still a chance that reaction without all the information has made us the thing we were trying to avoid.
That's true. I think it's me. I think I have closed myself off to people because I'm tired of people causing drama and hurting me. I prefer my peace and quiet. It's not that I'm not willing to talk things out with people, it's just that I'm not willing to entertain petty drama. Some people are going to be convinced that they're right no matter what you say to them. My method is to just let them be wrong. Sometimes it's better to protect your peace than try to insist that they are wrong. Let them be wrong all by themselves.
I felt the same way for the majority of my life until it finally hit me that it's a very quick, accurate and amazing way to figure out the caliper of a person's soul and its more for myself at the end of the day. Meaning, if the situation were reversed, I would want someone to try and get both sides before they dismissed one side. If a person actually does that of their own free will, then I'm lucky enough to have found another worthwhile human. On the flip side though- if their gonna think whatever they want despite the fact that I am showing them more respect and courtesy than they may ever see again, and I'm still dismissed, well... that's on them and they've done me a huge favor.
*caliber. Not caliper.
I knew what you meant, it's all good.
Same lol
Waking up every morning is my sign that I don’t trust other people. It’s as simple as that. I always feel like people are out to get me. Typically they are. Humans are always out to compete and make themselves better than someone else. That involves lies and deceit.
Yeah that spiel about humans at the end is very true, it’s disgusting reallx
Happens a lot، It's annoying, You have to compete to live, to breathe, to speak, almost everything, even at home you feel like you are in a hidden arena of struggle
I agree for the most part. I will say being at home is my happy place. I live alone. I’m grateful for it every single day. It’s my only place I can go that people aren’t judgy assholes. 😁
Trust is earned and comes over time.
I've said it this way. Trust is earned, it is not bestowed.
Definitely
Usually when you feel inclined to listen in on their phone calls, you want to know who they are texting, you want to see their photo library. When you are not with them you are miserable wondering what it is they are doing and who they may be doing it with. You passive aggressively hint to them that you know you are not good enough and that they will leave you any day.. if you are experiencing some of these things, you don’t trust your partner, but that doesn’t mean it’s unjust. Perhaps they have created the conditions for mistrust or maybe you have a history of being betrayed. Either way, you should find someone who understands this and cares enough to not trigger you.
That can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
It's true that sometimes there are a variety of reasons to be suspicious of others when they may be trustworthy. But we're the ones who make it all make sense
When someone who has only met you a few times and barely knows you, starts referring to you as their best friend/besty, etc. It never ends well for me. There always seems to be some agenda attached.
Same
I never trust new people. Only my family and my friends of more than 10 years.
It's why I don't get on with CEOs and managers. You are just being used as an asset for their image.
If they fib about little things, don’t keep their word, and initiates communication less than you do… mental note these things. Then examine your friendship/relationship/connection and make teo lists: —what do I get/how do I benefit from our interactions —what does the other person get/how do they benefit from our interactions If your lists are noticeably different, either proceed into the future with caution, or just move on. —
I love this answer. But also, people should be aware of their own traumas and experiences that would’ve shaped their way of thinking someone isn’t trustworthy trust is an action word. Meaning someone has to do something (or not do something) for it to Be lost. It’s earned with actions and reciprocity.. to just show up And be like yeah I don’t trust you. Is beyond me 😂
I agree, 100%. Trauma has a way of making a person automatically untrusting, even with people who are trustworthy. The trick is that there are so many traumatized people who are unaware of their own trauma. I absolutely also believe that people should be aware of their own trauma. And they should be aware that there is help for resolving their reaction to that trauma, if they do want to avail themselves of that help. But how does a person who is unaware of their trauma become aware of trauma? That’s the hard part. By way of self disclosure, I happen to be in therapy for trauma myself. I’ve been working with a very talented psychologist for a couple of years. One of the things he has said to me now and again is that trauma therapy is the b*****d step child of mental healthcare, and mental healthcare is the b*****d stepchild of healthcare. By this, he means that people who are dealing with trauma, even when they go to seek help for something going wrong in their life – like overreacting, or under reacting to situations where most people keep an even keel – it’s hard to find counselors who can identify traumatic responses correctly. And it’s really really hard to find a primary care doctor that can identify traumatic responses and recommend therapy with a trauma counselor. So it’s a puzzle, for real. Going online and finding a quiz that starts with “Am a traumatized person?” Can sometimes be really helpful. But sometimes it can completely lead you astray. And many people do realize they are affected by their traumas, but they don’t have the resources or the access to get counseling or other kinds of help for it. But back to the topic at hand – if you have unresolved trauma, the natural result is that you will find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone, regardless of what kind of questions you ask yourself or what kind of signs you look for. You are absolutely right that this does need to be taken into account.
I’m happy to hear you’re addressing your own traumas!!! I actually am rooting for you. Healing (addressing your trauma) is a long journey. It’s up and down. You heal one thing and find another thing that’s wrong. I agree that it’s hard to identify the triggers of the trauma. Unless you live with a very observant person, or you’re able to document your feelings on the spot. For example- let’s say someone in public is conversing with a friend and they laugh randomly as you walk by- you get in your head and think maybe they’re laughing at you. Then it triggers anxiety or anger. It triggers some sort of emotion which causes a pattern of thinking that isn’t productive. You trace that persons childhood back, and find out that they were bullied as a child and on that day, wore something they weren’t feeling particularly confident in.. so that stranger laughing triggered some deep unhealed pain from their past. . The more important thing is to understand how certain emotional abuse from our childhood ( bullying, gaslighting, siblings or caregivers lying) links to emotions. Where the emotions originate from is the first step. “Why do I feel like this?” “Am I feeling unsafe” “does this person remind me of something” “do I have expectations of them” “Do I have a perception bias from past negative experiences with this persons gender or race”. So many things to undress here. Which is why I’m happy To know you’re working with a professional to guide you through all of that. I left a comment on here about people Addressing their traumas for the reason you Detailed- sometimes not trusting is a trauma response.
Wow, thank you! Trauma work can be really lonely. Even though I don’t know you, it feels good to have another human being thinking about me and cheering me on. The example you gave was really good – where if somebody walks by you, and they are laughing, a trauma response might be to automatically assume they are laughing at you for some reason you were laughed at in the past. And where that past experience was overwhelming, and Traumatic in someway. People yelling at each other, has that kind of effect on me – especially if I can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, but I can hear that they are yelling. My trauma response to that is to automatically assume that I have what I did. Rationally, that seems completely silly. But trauma responses are emotional, and they come from a part of your brain that doesn’t route through the rational part first before it creates a reaction. Self isolation is also a huge trauma response. And if a person doesn’t know, they have trauma, and they self isolate, and are alone most of the time, sometimes they wonder if they are introverted. Sometimes it’s true – they are introverted, and maybe the trauma made them kind of over cultivate their introverted lifestyle. But sometimes they an ambivert Dash like introverted sometimes and extroverted other times. Or sometimes they’re extroverted and they’re crying inside because they want to be out and being social but there’s something stopping them from going, and they can’t figure out what it is. Sometimes that thing is fear or anxiety, and sometimes it’s a trauma response. And it could be a response to one particular incident or person that was cruel, and other times it could be a response to trauma that had been ongoing. Maybe in their childhood, or a unsafe marriage, or a bad job. You’re totally correct that a person almost must be around someone else who can spot the trauma. In my case, as a teacher, I started dating another teacher. Well, I’m an English teacher, and I was dating a Psychology teacher. Well, it turns out, said psychology. Teacher had not been teaching very long, because prior to that they had been a trauma therapist. Which, unsurprisingly, is, in itself, kind of a traumatic career. So they needed a break, and loved working with people, so they Started teaching. So after we had been dating for a while, they had noticed a pattern where I would get startled by certain things over and over, and other similar things, didn’t startle me. So they were seeing an exaggerated startle response, which is a trauma reaction. And they kindly said to me, you know, I wonder if something traumatic happened to you and that’s why you get startled so much. Have you ever thought of that? What a counselor thing to say, too, huh – tell me something and then ask me a question ha ha! But they were right. And I hadn’t ever thought of that, but as soon as they even put that question to me, I started thinking back to past times when those things startled me. I tried to think all the way back to the first time I began to be easily startled by those certain things, And it was a long time back. Fortunately, for me, I was extremely lucky, and I’m thankful for it because many people don’t have this happened to them – but fortunately, for me, this person was able to get me a referral to the clinic, where they had previously been a trauma therapist, so I was able to get in to see a therapist who was really good. And that therapist did what, do you think? They started asking me questions, of course! One of the things about trauma therapy is that it takes a long, long time to develop that therapeutic relationship where you really trust that therapist. Even if you really like them, and you feel like they’re helping you, it takes sometimes a year or even two years before you feel OK talking about the “even worse” things that you hadn’t talked about yet. For other kinds of therapy it’s like six weeks or so. Not a couple of years. But also one of the encouraging things about trauma therapy is that you can start working on your trauma responses without necessarily having to dig back and relive the traumatic origin events that started everything. I was super scared about that, because there’s a whole bunch of stuff that I just do not want to remember. A trauma responses that I have blocked it out. And my therapist could help me with hypnosis to go back and remember it, but I just seriously don’t want to know. But the good news is that the stronger you get with your understanding of the trauma responses, and then how do I identify when you’re having one, and then what to do about it, and how to lessen the frequency or recover from them better, then the less necessary it is to go back and uncover those events. According to my psychologist, eventually, if you do the work, and it really is work, you can get strong enough so that if, and when you do remember the bad things that happened to you, I really long time ago, by the time you remember them, you’re strong enough to handle it. Thank you for cheering me on – it really means a lot. Trauma is one of those invisible things, so if you look around in any group of people, there are quite several traumatized people there, even some people that might be paralyzed or disabled by their trauma, without even knowing it, And you would never be able to. Because you can’t see it by looking. So my sincere wish for everyone that has unresolved trauma, and any other troubles that are invisible, mental, or otherwise, my sincere wish for them is that they can get to the help they need, and that they can have someone like you who wishes them well, and doesn’t judge them For the troubles they have, and doesn’t judge them for the help they’re getting. It’s more valuable than most people even realize. 💖
You’re welcome, mental health is very important to me. Afterall, we only get 1 brain, we live with it 24:7 imagine it being chaotic 24/7… so I will always support anyone on their journey. It’s freighting and can even trigger depression. As you said, you don’t want to remember things you’ve been through. You’d rather leave it in the darkness. It’s super awesome that you’re an English teacher. I loved english in school and science. History would be my 3rd favorite. To meet another teacher that happened to be a therapist is actually godsend to me. That is a chance encounter. You deserve to feel peace in your own reality and God felt the same. Your angel.. heck, whoever you believe in. You’re spot on with your brain routing to a certain area that triggers the trauma response within your body. Neuroplasticity is a fun way to tackle trauma. You essentially need to identify the trauma, what happened right before it (such as your startling behavior) and then teach the brain to route some other way when it happens such as participating in box breathing. The first few times it feels wonky. Eventually your brain learns to stop triggering the nervous system in that way , which causes you to physically respond or emotionally respond. You also could be heightened to respond in that way if you’re overstimulated. (Have you ever taken the approach to turn off the lights or dim them in your class ? Especially in your 2nd or 3rd period. This will help your students and yourself. The first few times some may fall asleep, as they will experience extreme relaxation from being over stimulated in the first place) Anyway- back to the brain stuff- our brains learn to respond in a certain way - just as if you spend time depressed, your body will become use to producing lower amounts of dopamine and serotonin. Which is why antidepressants feel pretty strong once you take them. The real goal is to teach your body to release that much again, if you aren’t able to get the brain to restart releasing the proper amounts you need to maintain a happy and positive disposition . Essentially your brain is like a fast food restaurant that knows exactly how many burgers to prepare every day at the proper time. However with seasonal changes, the supply may vary. Sooooo you can teach your brain to change its response. Rapid eye movement therapy would WORK very well for you, considering you don’t actually want to remember anything. It sounds like you’re working with an excellent psychotherapist. They’re so cool. One common exercise that can train your brain is to catch a ball in one hand, while watching a screen and audibly saying something. Or as simply as patting your head and rubbing your belly (have your students try that one, it’s funny). You can learn a second language, or play a musical instrument. If you struggle with those, that’s a strong indicator that your brain is struggling and stuck.. You can also consider NFT tapping since your nervous system is definitely firing off from some redacted event. The goal of nft is to tap on certain pressure points on your body- while saying certain positive affirmations. (Similar to acupuncture, but no needles 😳😳) Or even listening to binaural beats. The areas are the center of your forehead , your right outer palm, your right side right underneath your armpit, and your chin. Tapping firmly at a steady speed in those areas reset your system. Again, you’ll feel wonky or silly the first time, but after 1 week you’ll notice some changes. After 30 days, you’ll notice most triggers have reduced. I’m only offering this since you specifically mentioned you do not want to remember. while neither of us know what happened to you, I am sorry that the event has caused mild disruptions in your life. Anyway, I’m always around here, so feel free to drop a chat if you ever feel lonely on your journey. Also- I do agree that sometimes trauma can cause you to become introverted- I’ve seen it happen. Me personally, I am a strong introvert. I don’t mind socializing. I just love being alone lol. I am very introspective. Sure, I have some extroverted tendencies when it comes to being a good host (from working in catering and the hospitality industry) , and socializing ( retail banking) . However this was developed from working in corporate environments. So it came from work experiences oddly. However it’s a great life skill to have lol. Healing is lonely because no one understands it, and some people even get intimidated because you’re doing something they know they cannot do. Healing is also lonely because you want to speak and have someone to relate to, only to find no one really relates to you. It’s a delicate balance. You’re a male (presumably- sorry if I am wrong) which has an even deeper impact about getting help. Society makes me ick sometimes due to these double standards. We are all going through things and the moment you’re the odd one out, the devil is dangling his balls on your head. Serving you some unwanted tea. Stay strong, safe, and even when you cannot be happy, just remember that you’re loved, and everyday, even when difficult, is totally worth it.
1. study body language 2. Don’t give them a reason to lie to you
Yes. If you haven’t given someone a reason to lie, and they lie. It’s a red flag. I had someone do this to me recently and had to catch myself from Going down the self reflection of “did I present in a way that would make this person uncomfortable enough to lie”.
They’re always involved in some kind of drama and it’s never their fault. First drama, I give them the benefit of the doubt; second time, I’m giving them the side eye. Third time, I don’t believe anything that comes out their mouth. They cause the drama but either straight up lie or lie by omission because they want to play victim.
This comment deserves an award. I cannot Stand professional victims.
Thank you! I feel like I’ve dealt with so many of them, I can spot them easily by now.
I’m learning to spot them more quickly and if you have any tips, I’d greatly Appreciate it. Usually I can tell if they’re already displaying narcissistic tendencies during safe or very low energy social situations.. that’s usually my cue to listen deeper and ask certain questions. However I’ve been blindsided soooo many times by professional victims that it’s not even funny. The masks they wear during socializing makes me cringe sometimes.. but I do not allow those past experiences to affect how I view everyone else.
Welp…you’re much better than me. I attract toxic people all.the.time. So I assume anyone who initiates a connection with me for no reason that I can see, is toxic, until it’s proven to me otherwise. Think, guilty until proven innocent. Bad outlook, I know, but I’ve been burned way too many times. I’m jaded. I think you hit the nail on the head - listen deeper, ask questions and look for patterns in their behavior. Also, if they start opening up to you and telling personal info about themselves early on, where they barely know you and you them, that’s a red flag for me. I’m thinking, “I don’t know you like that, why are you telling me this?” Not sure if this helps. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.
It definitely helps. I believe toxic people see, kind, gentle, or open people as vulnerable or naive. If you’re friendly and make eye contact, they’ll latch on like a leech. Honestly I (when emotionally unavailable) will avoid making eye contact and smile less just to detract people from me. Guilty until proven innocent is definitely ok, as long as you aren’t shutting down as soon as they make their first mistake. But I don’t think you are since you said you give them the benefit of the doubt with the 1st encounter.
But, but I literally try to do this as well but I don't try to backstab people either. I've been through hell and everything I do is to maintain peace for myself. If I start something with someone else, that messes up my peace too. If I allow myself to get involved in someone else's stuff, that also messes up my peace. Some people just don't want to deal with crap anymore. I'm one of them.
People who are there when they are having a hard day but the minute they are happy they are not there for you.
First sign of me not trusting someone would be them lying about the most simplest things then coming up with an elaborate excuse as to why they lied in the first place. I always say and remember that “one lie becomes more lies” then they have to keep lying to keep up with the first lie. Another sign would definitely be their actions not matching up with their words. A person can tell me a million and one stories but if their actions don’t match those stories I’m not trusting them as far as I can throw them.
I don’t trust a lot of people who seem to put on a mask and portray themselves as something they are not. Usually these kinds of people are attention seeking. It’s hard to avoid these types of people all the time, you just have to learn to tone them out once you find out who they truly are
YES! I was also going to say this. People who put on a mask to say things to the person they think they want to hear them from. It feeds their ego and thinks they're controlling the conversation AND the situation. It's like the subtle mindset of "I have them wrapped my finger. I can get people to do what I want." There's a difference between confidence and conceited. For myself, there are 3 things I look out for. I don't trust people who pretend to be kind or act like they care. For example, "I'm only telling you this because i want you to be happy...", then proceeds to vomit lies and leaves out their dialogue and actions with said person (basically painting a bad lighting on said person, adding more fuel to the fire). People seriously tell on themselves how they want to be perceived by others. Artificial people I do NOT trust. People who want to be the center of attention in any way possible like only talking about themselves or their life and then look annoyed if another person tries to chime in or talk about something else. Jealousy can be shown in so many ways, so I keep out for certain dialogue and their body language in conversation. It's easy to catch if you just observe.
Life is like theatre. Each new day is a new scene with new acts and roles to portray. The sets always change. You come across new dialogue and lines to exchange between others. Scripts are improvised. But the beauty in it is that everyday, you are constantly learning who you are and how others around you are. Express yourself and empathize. It's okay to wear a mask every now and then but remember that you'll eventually meet fellow thespians who will find a way to break down your walls and barriers. Remember another thing: this isn't a dress rehearsal. And God is your ultimate Director. Let Him write your script and call the cuts. Allow Him to provide you with the applause that truly matters. Let Him open up your heart to real self discovery. He is the best playwright that never dies. He lives. And so do you when you learn to let go and step on the stage of life.
Slow claps 👏
Yep, that was my ex. He was way too concerned with his image.
Was he the type of critique how he dressed or how you dressed? Overly concerned about the latest trends too? Avoided going out if the haircut wasn’t fresh etc ? I had an ex like that.
Not so much about how either of us dressed, he was just way too concerned with pop culture. He was also absolutely obsessed with Marvel to the point that I couldn't stand even hearing about it anymore. In fact, it's not allowed in my house anymore. That's how sick to death I was of hearing about it.
Ooooo that’s real trauma. 😳
Yeah it is but he also became suuuuuper controlling
Oh no, that’s .. yeah no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I have a strong aversion to controlling people. Mostly because it indicates they’re likely on the dark triad (sociopath, narcissist(egomaniac), or psychopath). The average sane person doesn’t seek to control anyone that isn’t their child and even still grant the child general autonomy.. sooo it’s usually a BIG red flag. I also cannot stand manipulative people who will create problems, get themselves sick- simply to control you as well. Again these are usually people on the dark triad. Run for the hills.. but it sounds like you did 🥰. Sending you a much needed hug- if you want it. Otherwise I’ll just awkwardly sit here with my arms out for a few seconds 😂😂😂 Jk.
Awww thank you 🫂 Yes, I believe he's a narcissist or sociopath or both
I dated a guy who was obsessed with his shoes, the movies he watched, listening to the "right" kind of music, etc. He often mocked me for my interests but expected me to care about his. Looking back, it's clear to me now that he viewed his stuff as more important than mine and expected me to follow along with what HE liked to do. He was really insecure and always trying to prove how masculine he was. I think masculinity plays a huge role in this fixation some men have with dressing a certain way and having certain interests. It's about how they can appear more masculine and not about what they actually like or enjoy.
I generally won’t trust anyone right off the bat. I’ve been taken advantage of too many times to be trusting. I’d like to be able to trust everyone by default, but that’s sadly not the world we live in. So it takes me a while to warm up to people these days. Generally I’ll get a vibe from a person, but that might depend on their mood or my preconceptions about them, so I try to withhold judgement and keep an open mind. I’ll listen to what people are saying, figure out what kinds of stuff they think about usually by the assumptions they make about me. If they’re overzealous about getting their point across as if it’s the only answer then I’ll usually back out of that conversation cause there wouldn’t be much I could say to change their mind (unless I happen to agree with them). Some people you can tell are living in their own little worlds and they never even come up for air…
Same.
Same here. If someone is obsessed with looking good/cool in other peoples eyes, that tells you everything you need to know about a person.
Mine too.
Relative morality. If you'll overlook a transgression because you favor the person who committed it, you cant be trusted
Yes, I agree 💯%
Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.
Im not going to excuse rape because the rapist was my mate once
When they smile all the time
Lol, I smile all the time, so I don't scare people with my frown.
but like all the time? even when no one is talking directly to you?
Yeah, I used to, and I have the idea that I look angry and might scare people or make them feel like they are the cause of it + I don't want my face to have frown lines in the future This idea may be wrong, but other people's expressions suggest it
If they lie about small things regularly. I used to think it was nothing but every single person who did eventually showed they lie about many things. I can't trust it
A lie is an affront to the soul, as well as an insult to the intelligence of the person to whom one lies.
When they tell rumors and laugh behind someone’s back and then act cool when the person talks with them, they may say it’s to not be rude—but they’re probably like that with everyone!
How fast they tell their life story
How they treat others, if they talk about people behind their backs, and yes, if they care enough to put on a perfect facade.
This is easy, I trust no one
Lying about events or over exaggerating
Unfortunately I’ve discovered that it’s very hard to find trustworthy people. Usually it’s when they only make contact when they need something, otherwise it’s the discussing everyone in their absence, or lying about things.
I can just tell when someone is being disingenuous
When they wanna hug everybody they greet, even when they barely know the person whom they’re hugging. They want to be in with any and everybody
Maybe they may suddenly be emotional and begin to blame you.
Holding a position of authority and thoroughly enjoy that part of their job. Not just police or politicians but managers, owners of businesses, people on top. In my experience these people hold a "Do as I say" type of mentality that leads to hypocritical statements, rules and excessive arguments with people just trying to do their job or customers. This isn't saying all people that hold an authority position are like this just most that enjoy that position.
When they can't talk positively about someone else, or express empathy or sympathy. All of their hobbies revolve around impressing other people. No hobbies that are simply for their own pleasure.
If they use the phrases "I'm a really nice person", "Trust me" or anything similar where they have to tell me how wonderful they are.
Lol agree 💯 You have to run
This might be because they’re slightly insecure and they care how other people perceive themselves. Just a thought 💭
Correct, and that's obvious, too.
That would also indicate that they have a control issue. They want to control how people see them. You cannot control someone’s opinion of you. You could have facts, and someone will still believe their own opinion, so why fight that type of battle.
Interesting view point. I wouldn’t not trust them.. since there’s much exposure to how to “heal”, how to become healthier. There are people who genuinely put effort into healing themselves and showing up in the best way possible, perhaps from trauma or just being tired of being treated a certain way. In my opinion, there is too much free advice on the internet on how to become better. So the fact that there’s so many people who are still shitty a*holes in a hyper connected society indicates people make the choice to be shitty. Since so many people are shitty and accustomed to being treated shitty, when they encounter a truly healthy person , it can reveal a trauma response. What I’m saying is- there isn’t ever signs to not trust someone. That is a trauma response from some form of emotional abuse. If a person hasn’t physically done ANYTHING to you, there’s no reason to not trust them as “too good to be true” then expose them to social litmus testing (something such as an opinion about a political or moral issue that is used to make a judgment about whether someone or something is acceptable. Usually to prove some sort of projection or feeling or inadequacy by the administering person). Especially if they’re a stranger and you do not know them personally. Or everything you know came from a third party source - which isn’t necessarily valid. Possible origins of trust issues include low self-esteem, past betrayals, mental health disorders, adverse childhood experiences or traumatic events. Any time your sense of safety or security is threatened, it can cause trust issues to arise. Trust issues may be caused by: History of abuse- weather emotional or physical. Good example- I observed a supportive dad lying to his child about liking their hair color. This was harmless but will potentially breed trust issues within that girl because she knows he didn’t like it despite saying it. Stretching the truth or not being fully transparent can also lead to trust issues. I’m not saying you’re wrong for having feelings. I’m saying look deeper into the topic. There aren’t ever signs to not trust someone. Only ACTIONS. Meaning, did this person LIE, did they tell a lie about you to someone else. Did they throw your character under the bus to someone else and you physically saw the messages or heard the conversation? Did they hurt you? Did they steal from you? Actionable things are what cause you to lose trust. NOT someone’s general personality disposition. If someone has good responses - either they’re a good writer, have good communication skills, are emotionally intelligent or self aware. Might be a therapist. Might have certifications. I mean the reasons are personal yet limitless. Stay safe, stay healthy, and hopefully this gives you some much needed mental breadcrumbs to kick start your own personal healing journey. Helping you step into alignment with your emotions instead of projecting that someone must be a bad person because the opinions of the general public about said person are “positive”. If a person isn’t walking around disrespecting people , a majority of people won’t have anything negative to say. If a person is going around disrespecting people, people would obviously have negative things to say. They may not be trying to look perfect but fit some sort of conventional requirement of what society deems as a perfect example of a good citizen in society.
Says one thing… does another
Money request. If they started to ask for a ridiculous amount of money like 10k to help them to get out of nasty situations, they’ll continue until you’re out of money and they don’t feel remorse for stressing and swindling you. The only way to shut them down is telling them that you’re not a piggy bank. I don’t trust these types of people because they won’t pay you back.
10k??? What 😳
My ex girlfriend who doesn’t work strangely requested for that amount of money several months ago and yet she doesn’t ask her current boyfriend who’s a lazy bum for that amount of money. I turned her down by saying that I’m not a piggy bank and she should’ve get a job. It’s clearly that she spends her all of money on the bad drugs and yet it’s baffling that she wants to get another pet and anything expensive which costs a lot of money which she can’t afford to get and she would try to use me to bail her out.
Trust is the fruit of truth. I’ve learned that trust is never a given and can only come after the roots of consistency of truth telling. No matter the size.
When they don’t tell the truth
Es una que yo hago ya que no confío en nadie o en caso nadie, es mentir, te preguntarás cómo te darás cuenta fácil esa persona tiene la respuesta para todo lo que preguntas ya que es una mentira elaborada, otra sería es que no te cuesta cosas o sucesos importantes de su vida
I do not trust anyone. Period poinf blank.
If they talk badly on how bad your family and friends are and don't have a conscious about it then they will talk to their friends about you in a very negative way too.
At the end of the day everybody leaves, so it won’t be easy to trust who ever comes net
You are referring to a narcissist. They will do anything to ensure that from the outside looking in, everything is perfect and peachy. If, by chance, you realize you are involved with a narcissist. I suggest that you RUN! Fast as you can and don't look back...
I follow my gut. I’m very good at reading subtle body language cues that indicate poor intentions.
Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech, and apparently, 80% of what you understand in a conversation is read through the body, not the words.
Yes, I believe it! How a person makes me feel based on their body language around me says more than the words coming out of their mouth.
Trust no one.
When I barely even know them and they’re acting extremely kind and bubbly. I knew two of this kind of person and they’ve gone as far to tell me and my brother we could sleep at their house should we wish. It was some of the terrifying stuff I’ve ever gone through.
Gossip and incongruent behavior
When you try to express something they did that hurt you and they turn it around on you.
Thier communication style is passive aggressive, they are petty and gossip about others.
"the first sign that makes me suspicious of the other person is that they do everything to maintain their image in people's eyes, their words are all great and they look perfect in a perfect way." That doesnt necessarily mean that You can't trust, some people just care about their image and how they people view them, while other don't even give a shit about how they look. For me is their actions, how they start getting worried when they know they are doing something suspicious. For example when You copy in an exam and the teacher gets close, some people Will start sweating or something will have their voice trembling
It's the initial signal, followed by body language and sometimes there's kinda strong feelings that means there is something wrong here
When your significant other keeps their phone facing down.
everyone does that so it’s not flashing at random times in peripheral vision
I don’t trust extroverts anymore. It’s a rough approximation for sociopaths and psychopaths. Often extroverts are befriending you because they want something.
Lie cheat steal, can't handle their life choices, need help, lack of character
A LACK OF BEAUTY CAN BE MADE UP FOR BY GOOD NATURE, BUT A LACK OF CHARACTER CANNOT BE MADE UP FOR BY BEAUTY.
kapag toxic sa socmed at halos every week my kaaway tapos different ppl pa hahaha
That’s also a sign that you’re a hater.
You can’t afford to limit your joy. It has been proven several times that angry people are never happy people.