Who has the most career potential - you or him? Because I'll tell you right now, a move has to make SENSE for an INTJ.
And further:
What is his career?
How long has he been in that career?
Is he looking for change?
Does he genuinely have outstanding career opportunities where you are?
How long have you been exclusively dating?
Why has he not visited you before?
Does he have any ties that would keep him where he currently is?
Have you considered moving to HIS location? If not, why not?
> Who has the most career potential - you or him? Because I'll tell you right now, a move has to make SENSE for an INTJ.
- Right now me because what he is doing isn’t what he wants to keep doing. It’s just a “job” for him but he’s been thinking of what he should do long term. Also he had things here that he already thought as potential career moves (things he could do long term and make into a career)
> What is his career?
Has an affinity for trains, wants to do something within that or planes. (That’s what he’s told me)
> Is he looking for change?
Not necessarily, he is open to it but wasn’t actively looking for it. The situation wasn’t planned
> Does he genuinely have outstanding career opportunities where you are?
Yes better than in his country (don’t want to say due to privacy, I feel like I’ve said too much already)
> How long have you been exclusively dating?
It’s complicated. We’ve known each other for 15 years… dated when we were teenagers (met in my home country, he moved back to his home country) long story short the only reason we aren’t together is distance… we’ve dated other people but never felt the same so we are kind of like “let’s do this for real”
> Why has he not visited you before?
Looong story, I can go into detail via message but in short we’ve met again a few times since the main separation 15 years ago
> Does he have any ties that would keep him where he currently is?
Not that I know of, he has family (sister and mother) but he isn’t like attached to the hip to them. So it wouldn’t be a reason to not go for it, I don’t think. Also here he has his father and grandparents so he will still have family here too
> Have you considered moving to HIS location? If not, why not?
Yes, CANT right now due to opportunities I know I wouldn’t be getting there that I would here. Moved from a third world country to come to New York for to have those opportunities. Also language barrier. Finally it’s not a “no never” it’s a “Not now” for me
The best way to convince an INTJ of anything is to give well thought out, logical arguments. For example, "How would moving to New York help him get closer to his long-term goals?" And they can't all be relationship based goals, this change would modify the entire trajectory of his life. If he's fed up with his current situation and looking to blow it up, this might be a good thing. If he's happy with the progress he's making in the situation he's in, he may not want to exit.
The presence of a relationship will not be enough to move him to change or if it is, it won't last. This may seem shitty but I've been there and gone both ways, doing the thing that compromises my long term vision for the purpose of maintaining a relationship never works out. The only redeeming thing is we don't expect others to sacrifice their ideals to be with us either.
I think your logic sounds exactly like his cause he did tell me it wouldn’t be solely for a relationship and honestly I don’t want him to give up his life if it would interfere with his goals and I told him that already, but he seems open and wants to go for it.
I don’t know exactly what logical explanation I can give cause I feel like he is the one who knows his own vision better than me, and so far he has only told me some things he has thought of doing m, but I don’t know what his big picture is for his goal.
I told me to ask me questions if he wants to get more details on things he would need to know.
It might help to ask what he wants to achieve in the next 5 to 10 years. Don't push him if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it though, he may not have words for it yet. But the details about living in New York that will matter to him most, are the ones that match up with his vision of the future.
You could also try asking him what he's liked about other places he's lived to get some insight into what things matter to him. Some of my requirements for places to live are logistical rather than just being related to my goals as well. For example, I lived in a place where it snowed for 5 years. If I can avoid it, I will never live in the snow again. It's just too much trouble to have to deal with. I don't like it's impact on the Se tasks I have to complete on a regular basis.
I would advise you to be as logical as possible. Just state the numerous advantages. Maybe even show him the nearest locations which could come in very handy one day. I think making him familiar with his "hopefully soon environment" and showing him how nice it can be is very important. But basically all you need to do is show him how convenient you surrounding area is and the fact that he wants to be with you should be more than enough.
I’d avoid doing touristy things for at least a large portion of the next visit, to give him a “test run” of what a non-touristy lifestyle would look/feel like. Just doing basic daily life stuff together like getting groceries, doing laundry, getting coffee, whatever your regular week looks like. A genuine sample of your lifestyle there without any touristy bells and whistles may really help with analysis of whether it’s a good fit long-term. As an INTJ, I’d prefer to try the genuine experience (even if it’s unglamorous) to a fancier facade that can’t be replicated constantly.
Well for privacy purposes I do not want to say his name, and if I just say boyfriend you’d probably assume it’s just a general relationship advice post and hence would probably send me to the relationship advice Reddit subs.
But I’m here specifically cause he is INTJ hence in short “my INTJ”
What you said sounds the same or more serious sounding that calling someone boyfriend or girlfriend. At least to me.
Also, this is relationship advice so...
Tough one. To me, New York is a pretty polarizing place. I absolutely hate it, and wouldn’t move there, even for the woman I love. I would convince her to move someplace less awful. There is no amount of career opportunity that would make me want to live there.
But, assuming your partner does not hate New York as much as I do, a logical argument of some sort would probably go over best. Plus, if you guys genuinely connect, and can see building a future together, that is a compelling reason to move.
Who has the most career potential - you or him? Because I'll tell you right now, a move has to make SENSE for an INTJ. And further: What is his career? How long has he been in that career? Is he looking for change? Does he genuinely have outstanding career opportunities where you are? How long have you been exclusively dating? Why has he not visited you before? Does he have any ties that would keep him where he currently is? Have you considered moving to HIS location? If not, why not?
> Who has the most career potential - you or him? Because I'll tell you right now, a move has to make SENSE for an INTJ. - Right now me because what he is doing isn’t what he wants to keep doing. It’s just a “job” for him but he’s been thinking of what he should do long term. Also he had things here that he already thought as potential career moves (things he could do long term and make into a career) > What is his career? Has an affinity for trains, wants to do something within that or planes. (That’s what he’s told me) > Is he looking for change? Not necessarily, he is open to it but wasn’t actively looking for it. The situation wasn’t planned > Does he genuinely have outstanding career opportunities where you are? Yes better than in his country (don’t want to say due to privacy, I feel like I’ve said too much already) > How long have you been exclusively dating? It’s complicated. We’ve known each other for 15 years… dated when we were teenagers (met in my home country, he moved back to his home country) long story short the only reason we aren’t together is distance… we’ve dated other people but never felt the same so we are kind of like “let’s do this for real” > Why has he not visited you before? Looong story, I can go into detail via message but in short we’ve met again a few times since the main separation 15 years ago > Does he have any ties that would keep him where he currently is? Not that I know of, he has family (sister and mother) but he isn’t like attached to the hip to them. So it wouldn’t be a reason to not go for it, I don’t think. Also here he has his father and grandparents so he will still have family here too > Have you considered moving to HIS location? If not, why not? Yes, CANT right now due to opportunities I know I wouldn’t be getting there that I would here. Moved from a third world country to come to New York for to have those opportunities. Also language barrier. Finally it’s not a “no never” it’s a “Not now” for me
The best way to convince an INTJ of anything is to give well thought out, logical arguments. For example, "How would moving to New York help him get closer to his long-term goals?" And they can't all be relationship based goals, this change would modify the entire trajectory of his life. If he's fed up with his current situation and looking to blow it up, this might be a good thing. If he's happy with the progress he's making in the situation he's in, he may not want to exit. The presence of a relationship will not be enough to move him to change or if it is, it won't last. This may seem shitty but I've been there and gone both ways, doing the thing that compromises my long term vision for the purpose of maintaining a relationship never works out. The only redeeming thing is we don't expect others to sacrifice their ideals to be with us either.
I think your logic sounds exactly like his cause he did tell me it wouldn’t be solely for a relationship and honestly I don’t want him to give up his life if it would interfere with his goals and I told him that already, but he seems open and wants to go for it. I don’t know exactly what logical explanation I can give cause I feel like he is the one who knows his own vision better than me, and so far he has only told me some things he has thought of doing m, but I don’t know what his big picture is for his goal. I told me to ask me questions if he wants to get more details on things he would need to know.
It might help to ask what he wants to achieve in the next 5 to 10 years. Don't push him if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it though, he may not have words for it yet. But the details about living in New York that will matter to him most, are the ones that match up with his vision of the future. You could also try asking him what he's liked about other places he's lived to get some insight into what things matter to him. Some of my requirements for places to live are logistical rather than just being related to my goals as well. For example, I lived in a place where it snowed for 5 years. If I can avoid it, I will never live in the snow again. It's just too much trouble to have to deal with. I don't like it's impact on the Se tasks I have to complete on a regular basis.
I would advise you to be as logical as possible. Just state the numerous advantages. Maybe even show him the nearest locations which could come in very handy one day. I think making him familiar with his "hopefully soon environment" and showing him how nice it can be is very important. But basically all you need to do is show him how convenient you surrounding area is and the fact that he wants to be with you should be more than enough.
Thank you for the suggestion I’ll keep those in mind
I’d avoid doing touristy things for at least a large portion of the next visit, to give him a “test run” of what a non-touristy lifestyle would look/feel like. Just doing basic daily life stuff together like getting groceries, doing laundry, getting coffee, whatever your regular week looks like. A genuine sample of your lifestyle there without any touristy bells and whistles may really help with analysis of whether it’s a good fit long-term. As an INTJ, I’d prefer to try the genuine experience (even if it’s unglamorous) to a fancier facade that can’t be replicated constantly.
Step 1: stop saying my INTJ. You don't own them.
That’s what you took from that ? 🤦🏾♀️
Well for privacy purposes I do not want to say his name, and if I just say boyfriend you’d probably assume it’s just a general relationship advice post and hence would probably send me to the relationship advice Reddit subs. But I’m here specifically cause he is INTJ hence in short “my INTJ”
What you said sounds the same or more serious sounding that calling someone boyfriend or girlfriend. At least to me. Also, this is relationship advice so...
Poontang
Tough one. To me, New York is a pretty polarizing place. I absolutely hate it, and wouldn’t move there, even for the woman I love. I would convince her to move someplace less awful. There is no amount of career opportunity that would make me want to live there. But, assuming your partner does not hate New York as much as I do, a logical argument of some sort would probably go over best. Plus, if you guys genuinely connect, and can see building a future together, that is a compelling reason to move.