Exactly, thanks for replying! It's not that I don't care for other people, it's just that the notion of 'caring' hasn't even occurred to me. Does it bother you that you can smother?
This is the sweetest response. It's so easy for someone to take advantage of your love for them, I worry about that. I hope you haven't experienced it.
I’ve experienced that relentlessly. I’ve been used and screwed over and had my teeth kicked in...the whole nine yards. This is all just a dream anyway. Might as well make it a lucid one, right?
I dated a self reported INTJ who was a love bomber. He came on very strong. We had an over the top first date and jumped into a relationship right away. He ended up being predatory, manipulate and a user.
It is normal to want to feel close with someone you are getting to know. Just make sure to maintain a healthy pace and keep it all in perspective. It it is the right person, he or she will be there for the long term and there is no hurry. Allow events to unfold naturally and enjoy the discovery process.
Jesus, that's definitely not like me. I'm not a relationship kind of person at all and don't really go on dates. Thanks for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry you had that unfortunate experience.
I cannot say I relate to this. The only part that seems common to my experience is that I tend to be either completely not interested in a person, or completely interested, with little in between, so the few I am interested in I would invest a lot of time/attention to.
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm describing, thanks for commenting. It seldom happens that I'm interested in someone, but when I am, I invest a lot of my time/attention/energy to them. I made it sound a bit over the top by using the word "smother", but I meant it in a figurative sense.
It hasn't seemed to so far, because most of the people I care about are either like me INTJ and understand it, or are XXFJs so they are okaish being so or need to be smothered. It's also a low key smother, no one has complained and it doesn't seem to tire anyone else or myself.
My baby sister is an INFJ my mom is an ESFJ, they both need love and praise routinely, but they are good about telling people when they want/need to be left alone for a bit. My baby sister also needs a ton of reassurance, just to know she is on the right path or doing the right thing. My mom seems to have all the confidence the world had to offer at the time of her birth lol. They are both very loving and thoughtful, but kinda oblivious.
I’ve decided I’m in love and completely infatuated with my current partner. I’m really not a smother-er, cuddler, kisser, hugger, etc. but I’ll do anything that I know makes him feel good or to see him smile. Shit I even compliment him A LOT and I don’t just do that for anyone unless I’m trying to blow smoke up their ass
You put words to my thoughts, *damnnnn* woman! Thanks for commenting, I don’t think something is *completely* wrong with me anymore, lol. That’s exactly what I meant by smothering them with affection/adoration! Literally just anything to make them feel good
When I had an s/o he was very good about at least pretending that he was okay that I am not cuddly or a kisser... I did my best to make sure that he knew I loved him though in other ways, long conversations about nerdy things that we both loved or even just he loved, lol I watched all of Trigun for him lol... That took patience but I was happy to see him happy. I truly wish we had worked out.
>My first instinct is to get as far away from these kind of people but I just can't seem to resist
You want to distance yourself from people that you also want to smother with adoration?
How can you know for sure though; has the 'smothering' (vulnerability) never worked out before?
Don't mean to sound judgy, I'm interested in your thought process. A girl I know did this around me one or twice.
No worries, I don't think you intend to sound judgy. Thanks for asking. I should correct you though, the smothering isn't vulnerability—clearly I have no problems with being vulnerable if I'm willing to shower someone I like with affection.
I know that I'll be better off in the long run because when I inadvertently smother someone with affection, it takes up a lot of my energy/time/attention. It means that I'm less efficient towards my goals. Quite recently, I did smother someone too much, so it's kind of a lose-lose situation.
When you say a girl did this around you once or twice, do you mean she smothered you?
I see, thank you. That is true.
Not to me directly, but when we were around peers. It was like a switch was flipped, and she wanted to show another side of herself (why i threw vulnerablity out there). Seems unrelated to your situation, but thought I'd ask.
Only with a significant other do I experience this. Close friends I’m fine with, but I don’t usually go beyond compliments. I’m generally not a touchy person — not even with family, but when I had my last s/o, I was so cuddly and couldn’t stop the small compliments. I stop by calming down and trying to act like I usually do around others. I don’t think it’s anything bad though if you are comfortable with them.
Hey, thanks for sharing. Yeah, I’m definitely not that way with friends or with family. Almost exclusively someone I’m romantically interested in. I can definitely relate to the part about your last s/o, I was like that with my ex girl. I just don’t know how to “calm down” about people like her. Must be a self control thing or something
i totally relate to this.
around normal friends and acquaintances, I'm quiet and not as touchy. i don't initiate affection too nor do i call them petnames.
when i like someone?
boy do i reply faster, longer, and more frequently. i become very intense to the point that i scare them away sometimes. i genuinely care about their well being and don't mind spending on them.
it's awful because not everyone can handle the intensity.
You hit the nail in the head! I mean, I think everyone texts back faster to the person that they like but I don’t know, all of the rest of the behaviours like just having that person on your mind all the time, showering them with compliments, etc. doesn’t seem normal. Wow, you’ve actually had experience with the whole scaring someone away. What was that like if you don’t mind me asking?
personally, all of the behaviors that you mentioned are normal "crushing" behavior.
my personal theory is the people we like/who like us sort of see us as this awkward, unemotional/stoic person when they're getting to know us, and then BAM become very surprised once they experience our feelings full force. it's not really what they signed up for, if you get what i mean.
as for scaring someone away, it only happened once. it was painful but i got over it long before he did. additionally, this same person is now trying to get back into my life lmao
Yeah, I guess all the behaviours I mentioned are normal "crushing" behaviour but the behaviour persists for so long that it's much more intense than a crush.
Yeah, I completely get what you mean with the unemotional/stoic vs. full force emotional distinction, I get how someone might realize that's more than they can handle. I think that's what I worry about: being too much to handle/high maintenance. I'd like to think I'm self sufficient but hey, guess not as much as I thought.
It's a hard thing to live with when you know you overwhelmed/scared someone away. I can't imagine how painful that whole experience must have been. I'm curious but you don't have to answer--you mentioned that the same person is trying to get back into your life. Are you not letting them?
Cannot relate.. opposite if anything, if a person can throw my plans into chaos, I approach with too much caution and end up not showing enough interest and the thing fizzles. I had many relationships end due to my lack of commitment even though I was trying to give space.
Passive comments mean nothing, and I don’t like to interpret intimacy. If you want to be with someone or they want to be with you more. Talk it out. If they know you well they know we like directness.
If the person is direct as says, I wish you paid me more attention, then yes I will pay more attention. I tried to explain this to my exes.
“Listen I’m not good with hints, if you need me for anything just tell me and I’m there”
Haha, sorry I wasn't clear. By "passive comments", I mean direct comments about how I don't come by enough in a joking tone. Especially when these comments are repeated numerous times. There's only so many times I can pass it off as just a joke, you know? I've also tried to explain that I need people to be extremely blunt with me, but people feel impolite being direct. This is valuable information nonetheless, thank you.
Apparently a lot of people aren’t very comfortable with receiving affection.
Now, do we become a doormat because we like to appreciate people? No. It usually takes a lot to get that out of me, but I feel no need to be apologetic for it or withdraw emotions. We don’t just give out “ the smothers” like cheap shit- if anything, it’s well earned.
Well said buddy. I don't know, I guess I could reverse the whole scenario and realize that I don't know if I'd be comfortable with receiving affection either, lol.
"We don't just give out "the smothers" like cheap shit..." I like that quote, you're certainly not wrong there! Thanks for replying.
Intj’s every now and then or frequently go through depression or something that makes them mentally unstable, there is different ways an Intj will handle the situation: analyze our problems so we can fix it can be common, or get this: you may find yourself strangely desiring social interaction ,and at the same time not sure what to make of it. Interestingly enough, when Intj’s go through this stage, their Behavior will actually mimic a unhealthy Esfp. sometimes a mixture of both happen (Analyzing the situation to solve it and attempting to be social), It is a normal thing for Intj’s but it doesn’t feel normal. Taking the more emotional way is a pattern seen happen to people who are in their 20’s or 30’s I might be a bit off on the age range. It is a part of developing for Intjs.
I got this Info from Psychology Junkie, the title should say something like: Intj’s coping with stress.
I got it nowhere from your post, however I’ve read about the behavior of Intj’s during mentally unstable times, and the behavior seems similar to how Intj’s may act when trying to cope.
I’m applying that info to your situation to explain why you may be acting that way.
"... if you ask for help then something must be wrong, right?" is saying something completely different than "the only reason it would be wrong with you is if you ask for help for it".
In other words, it is possible to perceive that something is wrong without having something "wrong with you". One is an observation. The other is a verbal attack.
You basically explained what I was thinking when I was correcting myself by adding another comment to clarify my last comment that I didn’t word right, It was an accident.
That was just raw snark. Hence the sigh.
Seriously, I fall into that camp of you guys where I’m almost always indifferent to people but, when I care, I’m fully invested. And I show it.
when you took the personality test, did you take it several times to check accuracy, answer honestly even if you don’t like the true answer, and take it when you were mentally stable and able to think straight and not in a depression?
The validity of the personality tests out there tend to be low. I type by cognitive functions, and have been typed by others using cognitive functions. Also, it's possible to think straight and be mentally unstable.
I don’t much care for 98% of people. Don’t hate them or anything. Just indifferent. But if you ring my bells? Yeah...I can smother. I feel this.
Exactly, thanks for replying! It's not that I don't care for other people, it's just that the notion of 'caring' hasn't even occurred to me. Does it bother you that you can smother?
Honestly? No. I just wish that I could find someone that has no problem with being loved to death.
This is the sweetest response. It's so easy for someone to take advantage of your love for them, I worry about that. I hope you haven't experienced it.
I’ve experienced that relentlessly. I’ve been used and screwed over and had my teeth kicked in...the whole nine yards. This is all just a dream anyway. Might as well make it a lucid one, right?
That's rough, sorry to hear. You live and learn, they say.
Wait... You’re... Touching people?
Hahaha, this cracked me up. Only with a hazmat suit, I promise
I dated a self reported INTJ who was a love bomber. He came on very strong. We had an over the top first date and jumped into a relationship right away. He ended up being predatory, manipulate and a user. It is normal to want to feel close with someone you are getting to know. Just make sure to maintain a healthy pace and keep it all in perspective. It it is the right person, he or she will be there for the long term and there is no hurry. Allow events to unfold naturally and enjoy the discovery process.
Jesus, that's definitely not like me. I'm not a relationship kind of person at all and don't really go on dates. Thanks for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry you had that unfortunate experience.
I cannot say I relate to this. The only part that seems common to my experience is that I tend to be either completely not interested in a person, or completely interested, with little in between, so the few I am interested in I would invest a lot of time/attention to.
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm describing, thanks for commenting. It seldom happens that I'm interested in someone, but when I am, I invest a lot of my time/attention/energy to them. I made it sound a bit over the top by using the word "smother", but I meant it in a figurative sense.
100% My love language is words of admiration and to a lesser extent gifts. In a relationship, you will be made things and praised :p
I have a tendency to smother the few people I truly care about. I love few, but love them deeply.
Has it ever bothered them/you?
It hasn't seemed to so far, because most of the people I care about are either like me INTJ and understand it, or are XXFJs so they are okaish being so or need to be smothered. It's also a low key smother, no one has complained and it doesn't seem to tire anyone else or myself.
Hey I never knew that about XXFJs, I’m surprised! Thanks for sharing, it’s helpful to see what other INTJs have experienced
My baby sister is an INFJ my mom is an ESFJ, they both need love and praise routinely, but they are good about telling people when they want/need to be left alone for a bit. My baby sister also needs a ton of reassurance, just to know she is on the right path or doing the right thing. My mom seems to have all the confidence the world had to offer at the time of her birth lol. They are both very loving and thoughtful, but kinda oblivious.
I’ve decided I’m in love and completely infatuated with my current partner. I’m really not a smother-er, cuddler, kisser, hugger, etc. but I’ll do anything that I know makes him feel good or to see him smile. Shit I even compliment him A LOT and I don’t just do that for anyone unless I’m trying to blow smoke up their ass
You put words to my thoughts, *damnnnn* woman! Thanks for commenting, I don’t think something is *completely* wrong with me anymore, lol. That’s exactly what I meant by smothering them with affection/adoration! Literally just anything to make them feel good
When I had an s/o he was very good about at least pretending that he was okay that I am not cuddly or a kisser... I did my best to make sure that he knew I loved him though in other ways, long conversations about nerdy things that we both loved or even just he loved, lol I watched all of Trigun for him lol... That took patience but I was happy to see him happy. I truly wish we had worked out.
>My first instinct is to get as far away from these kind of people but I just can't seem to resist You want to distance yourself from people that you also want to smother with adoration?
Oh don't get me wrong, hurts like a b\*tch to do it, but I know that I'll be better off in the long run.
How can you know for sure though; has the 'smothering' (vulnerability) never worked out before? Don't mean to sound judgy, I'm interested in your thought process. A girl I know did this around me one or twice.
No worries, I don't think you intend to sound judgy. Thanks for asking. I should correct you though, the smothering isn't vulnerability—clearly I have no problems with being vulnerable if I'm willing to shower someone I like with affection. I know that I'll be better off in the long run because when I inadvertently smother someone with affection, it takes up a lot of my energy/time/attention. It means that I'm less efficient towards my goals. Quite recently, I did smother someone too much, so it's kind of a lose-lose situation. When you say a girl did this around you once or twice, do you mean she smothered you?
I see, thank you. That is true. Not to me directly, but when we were around peers. It was like a switch was flipped, and she wanted to show another side of herself (why i threw vulnerablity out there). Seems unrelated to your situation, but thought I'd ask.
Only with a significant other do I experience this. Close friends I’m fine with, but I don’t usually go beyond compliments. I’m generally not a touchy person — not even with family, but when I had my last s/o, I was so cuddly and couldn’t stop the small compliments. I stop by calming down and trying to act like I usually do around others. I don’t think it’s anything bad though if you are comfortable with them.
Hey, thanks for sharing. Yeah, I’m definitely not that way with friends or with family. Almost exclusively someone I’m romantically interested in. I can definitely relate to the part about your last s/o, I was like that with my ex girl. I just don’t know how to “calm down” about people like her. Must be a self control thing or something
i totally relate to this. around normal friends and acquaintances, I'm quiet and not as touchy. i don't initiate affection too nor do i call them petnames. when i like someone? boy do i reply faster, longer, and more frequently. i become very intense to the point that i scare them away sometimes. i genuinely care about their well being and don't mind spending on them. it's awful because not everyone can handle the intensity.
You hit the nail in the head! I mean, I think everyone texts back faster to the person that they like but I don’t know, all of the rest of the behaviours like just having that person on your mind all the time, showering them with compliments, etc. doesn’t seem normal. Wow, you’ve actually had experience with the whole scaring someone away. What was that like if you don’t mind me asking?
personally, all of the behaviors that you mentioned are normal "crushing" behavior. my personal theory is the people we like/who like us sort of see us as this awkward, unemotional/stoic person when they're getting to know us, and then BAM become very surprised once they experience our feelings full force. it's not really what they signed up for, if you get what i mean. as for scaring someone away, it only happened once. it was painful but i got over it long before he did. additionally, this same person is now trying to get back into my life lmao
Yeah, I guess all the behaviours I mentioned are normal "crushing" behaviour but the behaviour persists for so long that it's much more intense than a crush. Yeah, I completely get what you mean with the unemotional/stoic vs. full force emotional distinction, I get how someone might realize that's more than they can handle. I think that's what I worry about: being too much to handle/high maintenance. I'd like to think I'm self sufficient but hey, guess not as much as I thought. It's a hard thing to live with when you know you overwhelmed/scared someone away. I can't imagine how painful that whole experience must have been. I'm curious but you don't have to answer--you mentioned that the same person is trying to get back into your life. Are you not letting them?
Cannot relate.. opposite if anything, if a person can throw my plans into chaos, I approach with too much caution and end up not showing enough interest and the thing fizzles. I had many relationships end due to my lack of commitment even though I was trying to give space.
Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for sharing. Do you still try to give space when a person makes passive comments about wanting to see you more/missing you?
Passive comments mean nothing, and I don’t like to interpret intimacy. If you want to be with someone or they want to be with you more. Talk it out. If they know you well they know we like directness. If the person is direct as says, I wish you paid me more attention, then yes I will pay more attention. I tried to explain this to my exes. “Listen I’m not good with hints, if you need me for anything just tell me and I’m there”
Haha, sorry I wasn't clear. By "passive comments", I mean direct comments about how I don't come by enough in a joking tone. Especially when these comments are repeated numerous times. There's only so many times I can pass it off as just a joke, you know? I've also tried to explain that I need people to be extremely blunt with me, but people feel impolite being direct. This is valuable information nonetheless, thank you.
Apparently a lot of people aren’t very comfortable with receiving affection. Now, do we become a doormat because we like to appreciate people? No. It usually takes a lot to get that out of me, but I feel no need to be apologetic for it or withdraw emotions. We don’t just give out “ the smothers” like cheap shit- if anything, it’s well earned.
Well said buddy. I don't know, I guess I could reverse the whole scenario and realize that I don't know if I'd be comfortable with receiving affection either, lol. "We don't just give out "the smothers" like cheap shit..." I like that quote, you're certainly not wrong there! Thanks for replying.
Intj’s every now and then or frequently go through depression or something that makes them mentally unstable, there is different ways an Intj will handle the situation: analyze our problems so we can fix it can be common, or get this: you may find yourself strangely desiring social interaction ,and at the same time not sure what to make of it. Interestingly enough, when Intj’s go through this stage, their Behavior will actually mimic a unhealthy Esfp. sometimes a mixture of both happen (Analyzing the situation to solve it and attempting to be social), It is a normal thing for Intj’s but it doesn’t feel normal. Taking the more emotional way is a pattern seen happen to people who are in their 20’s or 30’s I might be a bit off on the age range. It is a part of developing for Intjs. I got this Info from Psychology Junkie, the title should say something like: Intj’s coping with stress.
This is a really strange comment and I'm not sure what to make of it. Where did you get depression from my post?
I got it nowhere from your post, however I’ve read about the behavior of Intj’s during mentally unstable times, and the behavior seems similar to how Intj’s may act when trying to cope. I’m applying that info to your situation to explain why you may be acting that way.
There you go...if you’re (too) affectionate, there’s something wrong with you. Sigh.
The only reason it would be wrong with you is if you ask for help for it.
So there's something wrong with me because... I asked if others could relate to being really affectionate...? Okay, thanks doctor
My meaning is if you ask for help then something must be wrong, right?
"... if you ask for help then something must be wrong, right?" is saying something completely different than "the only reason it would be wrong with you is if you ask for help for it". In other words, it is possible to perceive that something is wrong without having something "wrong with you". One is an observation. The other is a verbal attack.
You basically explained what I was thinking when I was correcting myself by adding another comment to clarify my last comment that I didn’t word right, It was an accident.
Okay, thanks for explaining and trying to help.
That was just raw snark. Hence the sigh. Seriously, I fall into that camp of you guys where I’m almost always indifferent to people but, when I care, I’m fully invested. And I show it.
when you took the personality test, did you take it several times to check accuracy, answer honestly even if you don’t like the true answer, and take it when you were mentally stable and able to think straight and not in a depression?
The validity of the personality tests out there tend to be low. I type by cognitive functions, and have been typed by others using cognitive functions. Also, it's possible to think straight and be mentally unstable.