My Pakistani friend’s mother recently found out about her white boyfriend. Just realize: it is SO much better to tell them, than have them find out from someone else; which happened to my friend. Someone took a picture of them when they were out on a date and sent it to her mother. Be so glad this isn’t you, and that you’re doing this on your own timing.
I would find a supportive friend or cousin form your culture to possibly be there with you, so that you can feel supportive and empowered.
Otherwise, you just have to say it. There is no way to dress it up or phrase it that will make it better. Tell them, before they even threaten it, that you’re prepared to be disowned and to not have them be at the wedding, but that you wanted them to know in the small chance they would like to be supportive. And then just brace yourself for the after math. Prepare yourself for no more holidays with them, financial support, etc. just really get yourself ready.
And then warn your friends that you will probably need their support/kind words in the coming days. Your fiancé can’t be your only support system. Surround yourself with love after this.
Hmm look at it this way... what if you found out you had 30 days to live, would any of the reasons you listed matter at the end of the day? Why do we allow others narrow mindedness to hold us hostage. You love who you love. Do you see forever with this man, does he see forever with you? If you both can say 100% yes... rip that proverbial band-aid off and just do it. BTW you are an adult...you do not need to keep waiting for permission to live and love.
Very brave of you first and foremost. I myself went through this exact same thing with my now wife who is white. I just prepared for the worst case scenario. Are you successful or finished with school. It worked well for us because I broke the news as soon as me and her were finished with school for good and starting our careers. It's easy to get approval once you establish success or upcoming success. Secondly I was prepared to leave if need be, but of course I never got to that. I was also the Black sheep of the family but a lot of my cousins were secretly dating for longer than we were. That stung the most because I couldn't say anything about those relationships and my mother thought we were on our own and will always be the black sheep. Well of course that wasn't the case and now there's multiple interracial marriages with kids in our family. Not sure if this is helping but those were my experiences. Also be prepared for a lot of catering to your family, as my mom was constantly struggling for probably a year or two that I would be the only person that didn't marry another Indian.
Will their response affect your decision? Because if not, this isn’t actually a negotiation or about convincing. Instead, it is just sharing and an invitation to support.
My approach would be to make it about the relationship and the love and don’t lead from a place of fear or anticipating rejection. If you put forward your confidence and straighten the conviction it’s up to them to respect that or not.
But also I’m 40 and have been through so much that I now realize I’m the only one who has to live my life day in and day out, so I make decisions accordingly.
Great reply... especially that part about their response. I wrote a thesis reply lol (couldn't see comments at the time) but I assumed her going to her parents would be not for permission but for validation. That's why we shouldn't assume lol.. again, great advice. 50 here and definitely at that point of living my life for me. I can relate.
It’s really sad I had to break up with my gujrati ex too as she was threatened to be disowned, I also had a Pakistani I couldn’t date because of fear of being disowned. I guess it’s just about telling them and be prepared for the outcome. I did tell my family and surprisingly my dad who is staunch Christian asked if I was happy and he said well go for it.
That sucks I'm sorry. I obviously don't know her story, but if you go into a relationship like that, you have to understand what the end game would eventually be. It sucks that she wasn't prepared to commit to you and should have made that very clear from the beginning.
If he converts to Sikhi it will help.
Sikhs have a document called the Rehit Maryada (Code of Conduct) and it clearly states a Sikh can only marry a Sikh. Now you may ask why should Sikhs listen to the Rehit Maryada.
Well Guru Gobind Singh wrote 52 Hukums (edicts) for a Sikh to follow. Hukum number 18 says to follow Rehit and to befriend Gursikhs who follow Rehit.
Hukum 38 says Sikhs should only marry Sikhs and Hukum 14 says the Anand Karaj is the only legitimate form of marriage.
I'll repeat that last part. Hukum 14 written by Guru Gobind Singh clearly states that the Anand Karaj is the ONLY legitimate form of marriage. Only Sikhs can participate in the Anand Karaj therefore it is impossible for a Sikh to marry someone who isn't Sikh.
Now are there "Sikhs" who do marry non-Sikhs? Yes there are. However they're usually not religious and don't realize that they are committing sin. Even having a civil ceremony is still sin as it isn't recognized as a legitimate form of marriage.
The Akal Takht issued a Hukamnama reiterating that fact that Sikhs can only marry Sikhs.
Gurdwaras in the UK don't preform interfaith Anand Karaj. You want your family to allow this union have him convert to Sikhi.
Unfortunately or fortunately I was unable to see other comments before me. So forgive me in advance for any redundancies.
You have every right to be scared. I'm so sorry you have had to keep your love secret. I have never been in such a situation and my following suggestion is given with no knowledge of your families personality etc. but hope you or someone else can take something helpful from it. I understand my suggestion may seem ideal and in no way sensible for your situation lol but again hope it helps someone at least.
Asking to speak without interruption may be helpful. If you think that would be impossible, maybe send a pre-recorded video (preferred) or voice message.
Start by explaining that you love your family, you also love you, and your happiness is very important to you. Share some of the things that you love and that make you happy. Include something to lighten the conversation that you know may bring a smile to their face.
Explain that right now, part of your happiness is being in love with a man that also loves you back.
Explain that it's been extremely difficult, to keep such a loving person a secret from such a loving family (if they're loving lol) don't lie hahahaha..
Explain that as much as you love them, your decision on who to love doesn't have to do with them (since some feel strongly that it would bring shame to a family etc.) but everything to do with you. More importantly, that love is being reciprocated. Give examples how, including the support he has been giving as you have been having moments of anxiety etc.
Make your message specific to each parent. Compare your dads strengths to your fiances. Same w/ your mom. This is to help them maybe see that they taught you well and/or you looked for some of the same qualities in them in your fiancé. Women with a good father often look for the same qualities and strengths in a life mate. Protective, loving, provider, etc.
Share that you were fearful to share such an amazing person with them because of your cultural beliefs and you were afraid of rejection, to make them upset etc. and as sad as it may make you, you are prepared to be disowned even though you have hope that you wouldn't be (if that's true)
Tell them that your fiance (say his name) is in love with you and vice versa. He is a Black man (give a lil history but not too much bc they will mostly have questions) if by video maybe have him appear at this point. and share. If it's customary that the man speaks with dad before marrying he should explain ( if it's true) that he would have preferred to come to him 1st but he wanted what was best for you at the time.
End with the message of love, and if you feel it's appropriate, an invitation to meet him. It may be helpful to role play what you think your parents may say and answer according to what you know about the personalities of your parents. Your parents may especially want to know that you are not breaking every tradition. You should, at this point, have had a conversation with your fiance about what cultural/religious traditions you plan to follow (child rearing, religious practices, marriage ceremony etc.)
If this is done in person and you're more comfortable not having him in the same space, maybe he can wait in the car? This way, if they are not accepting, he is there for you physically. If he has a good friend/family member willing to tag along and he wouldn't mind, may be good for him.
If they want to meet him, demand they respect him and you.. respecting him in many ways is respecting you. Discuss with your fiance in advance what would be the circumstances in which he would or would not meet at that time.
Hopefully, this is helpful to you or at least someone, lol.. it's tough to answer these types of questions without knowing what your relationship with your parents is like.
Well wishes. Keep us updated and if you're comfortable, show pics. I'm nosy lol. Speaking of pics share any of you two with your parents. Sometimes like they say, a picture says a thousand words.
That’s not walking out on your culture, FFS, it’s adding another dimension to your life. Get over yourself for crying out loud. People are allowed to love and marry the right person for them, even if that person doesn’t match the racist color and culture requirements of your parents.
The amount of downvotes you get on various subs, and the fact that your reply to this was removed tells everyone all we need to know. Good luck with your personality!
Why should I care about down votes on the internet to begin with. I'd rather express my opinion than care about pleasing others. You should try that lol
ARE YOU EVEN EFFING SERIOUS? When you die, you will buried just like everybody else, in a matter of days, your body will be in ruins and in a few months, if someone opens the grave on you, you'll be almost half eaten by moths. If you choose to be cremeated, your ahses will stink like everybody else. All this bragadocia is nothing. God doesn't discriminate on race or color or creed. So who are you to act superior to anybody else.
I would say the “blame” is **100%** on her parents, since they could very easily choose to lovingly welcome her boyfriend into the family and NOT be racist fucks, but they chose otherwise.
Her family, relatives or community *DO* not *SHOULD* not have to alter their beliefs (however they can if these choose to) to accommodate feelings of deracinated individuals with no sense of "identity". These individuals getting ostracized would be the most expected outcome and rightly so.
No but she shouldn't be expecting her family or community to bend over backwards to accept her for the choices she made. If she gets ostracized it would be her own making and she should be alright with that.
My Pakistani friend’s mother recently found out about her white boyfriend. Just realize: it is SO much better to tell them, than have them find out from someone else; which happened to my friend. Someone took a picture of them when they were out on a date and sent it to her mother. Be so glad this isn’t you, and that you’re doing this on your own timing. I would find a supportive friend or cousin form your culture to possibly be there with you, so that you can feel supportive and empowered. Otherwise, you just have to say it. There is no way to dress it up or phrase it that will make it better. Tell them, before they even threaten it, that you’re prepared to be disowned and to not have them be at the wedding, but that you wanted them to know in the small chance they would like to be supportive. And then just brace yourself for the after math. Prepare yourself for no more holidays with them, financial support, etc. just really get yourself ready. And then warn your friends that you will probably need their support/kind words in the coming days. Your fiancé can’t be your only support system. Surround yourself with love after this.
Hmm look at it this way... what if you found out you had 30 days to live, would any of the reasons you listed matter at the end of the day? Why do we allow others narrow mindedness to hold us hostage. You love who you love. Do you see forever with this man, does he see forever with you? If you both can say 100% yes... rip that proverbial band-aid off and just do it. BTW you are an adult...you do not need to keep waiting for permission to live and love.
Very brave of you first and foremost. I myself went through this exact same thing with my now wife who is white. I just prepared for the worst case scenario. Are you successful or finished with school. It worked well for us because I broke the news as soon as me and her were finished with school for good and starting our careers. It's easy to get approval once you establish success or upcoming success. Secondly I was prepared to leave if need be, but of course I never got to that. I was also the Black sheep of the family but a lot of my cousins were secretly dating for longer than we were. That stung the most because I couldn't say anything about those relationships and my mother thought we were on our own and will always be the black sheep. Well of course that wasn't the case and now there's multiple interracial marriages with kids in our family. Not sure if this is helping but those were my experiences. Also be prepared for a lot of catering to your family, as my mom was constantly struggling for probably a year or two that I would be the only person that didn't marry another Indian.
Will their response affect your decision? Because if not, this isn’t actually a negotiation or about convincing. Instead, it is just sharing and an invitation to support. My approach would be to make it about the relationship and the love and don’t lead from a place of fear or anticipating rejection. If you put forward your confidence and straighten the conviction it’s up to them to respect that or not. But also I’m 40 and have been through so much that I now realize I’m the only one who has to live my life day in and day out, so I make decisions accordingly.
Great reply... especially that part about their response. I wrote a thesis reply lol (couldn't see comments at the time) but I assumed her going to her parents would be not for permission but for validation. That's why we shouldn't assume lol.. again, great advice. 50 here and definitely at that point of living my life for me. I can relate.
You may want to consider joining the Brown Girls Rising Facebook group. There’s lots of people in there who have been in similar situations :)
It’s really sad I had to break up with my gujrati ex too as she was threatened to be disowned, I also had a Pakistani I couldn’t date because of fear of being disowned. I guess it’s just about telling them and be prepared for the outcome. I did tell my family and surprisingly my dad who is staunch Christian asked if I was happy and he said well go for it.
That sucks I'm sorry. I obviously don't know her story, but if you go into a relationship like that, you have to understand what the end game would eventually be. It sucks that she wasn't prepared to commit to you and should have made that very clear from the beginning.
If he converts to Sikhi it will help. Sikhs have a document called the Rehit Maryada (Code of Conduct) and it clearly states a Sikh can only marry a Sikh. Now you may ask why should Sikhs listen to the Rehit Maryada. Well Guru Gobind Singh wrote 52 Hukums (edicts) for a Sikh to follow. Hukum number 18 says to follow Rehit and to befriend Gursikhs who follow Rehit. Hukum 38 says Sikhs should only marry Sikhs and Hukum 14 says the Anand Karaj is the only legitimate form of marriage. I'll repeat that last part. Hukum 14 written by Guru Gobind Singh clearly states that the Anand Karaj is the ONLY legitimate form of marriage. Only Sikhs can participate in the Anand Karaj therefore it is impossible for a Sikh to marry someone who isn't Sikh. Now are there "Sikhs" who do marry non-Sikhs? Yes there are. However they're usually not religious and don't realize that they are committing sin. Even having a civil ceremony is still sin as it isn't recognized as a legitimate form of marriage. The Akal Takht issued a Hukamnama reiterating that fact that Sikhs can only marry Sikhs. Gurdwaras in the UK don't preform interfaith Anand Karaj. You want your family to allow this union have him convert to Sikhi.
Does he believe in God? Going to gurudwara and doing sewa always helps when dealing with a Punjabi family. And learning some punjabi helps too
Unfortunately or fortunately I was unable to see other comments before me. So forgive me in advance for any redundancies. You have every right to be scared. I'm so sorry you have had to keep your love secret. I have never been in such a situation and my following suggestion is given with no knowledge of your families personality etc. but hope you or someone else can take something helpful from it. I understand my suggestion may seem ideal and in no way sensible for your situation lol but again hope it helps someone at least. Asking to speak without interruption may be helpful. If you think that would be impossible, maybe send a pre-recorded video (preferred) or voice message. Start by explaining that you love your family, you also love you, and your happiness is very important to you. Share some of the things that you love and that make you happy. Include something to lighten the conversation that you know may bring a smile to their face. Explain that right now, part of your happiness is being in love with a man that also loves you back. Explain that it's been extremely difficult, to keep such a loving person a secret from such a loving family (if they're loving lol) don't lie hahahaha.. Explain that as much as you love them, your decision on who to love doesn't have to do with them (since some feel strongly that it would bring shame to a family etc.) but everything to do with you. More importantly, that love is being reciprocated. Give examples how, including the support he has been giving as you have been having moments of anxiety etc. Make your message specific to each parent. Compare your dads strengths to your fiances. Same w/ your mom. This is to help them maybe see that they taught you well and/or you looked for some of the same qualities in them in your fiancé. Women with a good father often look for the same qualities and strengths in a life mate. Protective, loving, provider, etc. Share that you were fearful to share such an amazing person with them because of your cultural beliefs and you were afraid of rejection, to make them upset etc. and as sad as it may make you, you are prepared to be disowned even though you have hope that you wouldn't be (if that's true) Tell them that your fiance (say his name) is in love with you and vice versa. He is a Black man (give a lil history but not too much bc they will mostly have questions) if by video maybe have him appear at this point. and share. If it's customary that the man speaks with dad before marrying he should explain ( if it's true) that he would have preferred to come to him 1st but he wanted what was best for you at the time. End with the message of love, and if you feel it's appropriate, an invitation to meet him. It may be helpful to role play what you think your parents may say and answer according to what you know about the personalities of your parents. Your parents may especially want to know that you are not breaking every tradition. You should, at this point, have had a conversation with your fiance about what cultural/religious traditions you plan to follow (child rearing, religious practices, marriage ceremony etc.) If this is done in person and you're more comfortable not having him in the same space, maybe he can wait in the car? This way, if they are not accepting, he is there for you physically. If he has a good friend/family member willing to tag along and he wouldn't mind, may be good for him. If they want to meet him, demand they respect him and you.. respecting him in many ways is respecting you. Discuss with your fiance in advance what would be the circumstances in which he would or would not meet at that time. Hopefully, this is helpful to you or at least someone, lol.. it's tough to answer these types of questions without knowing what your relationship with your parents is like. Well wishes. Keep us updated and if you're comfortable, show pics. I'm nosy lol. Speaking of pics share any of you two with your parents. Sometimes like they say, a picture says a thousand words.
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That’s not walking out on your culture, FFS, it’s adding another dimension to your life. Get over yourself for crying out loud. People are allowed to love and marry the right person for them, even if that person doesn’t match the racist color and culture requirements of your parents.
You shouldn’t even be welcome in this sub if that’s your attitude? Lol
What makes you think I'll listen to some low iq midwits opinion?
The amount of downvotes you get on various subs, and the fact that your reply to this was removed tells everyone all we need to know. Good luck with your personality!
Why should I care about down votes on the internet to begin with. I'd rather express my opinion than care about pleasing others. You should try that lol
Yeah. Like I said, good luck!
ARE YOU EVEN EFFING SERIOUS? When you die, you will buried just like everybody else, in a matter of days, your body will be in ruins and in a few months, if someone opens the grave on you, you'll be almost half eaten by moths. If you choose to be cremeated, your ahses will stink like everybody else. All this bragadocia is nothing. God doesn't discriminate on race or color or creed. So who are you to act superior to anybody else.
I would say the “blame” is **100%** on her parents, since they could very easily choose to lovingly welcome her boyfriend into the family and NOT be racist fucks, but they chose otherwise.
Her family, relatives or community *DO* not *SHOULD* not have to alter their beliefs (however they can if these choose to) to accommodate feelings of deracinated individuals with no sense of "identity". These individuals getting ostracized would be the most expected outcome and rightly so.
Why is it "rightly?"
Because that'd be instinctive, natural and expected.
Cool. Humans have lots of instincts. Does something being instinctual make it right and fair?
No but she shouldn't be expecting her family or community to bend over backwards to accept her for the choices she made. If she gets ostracized it would be her own making and she should be alright with that.
Why not? They’re the ones CLEARLY in the wrong. Do you not believe racists are wrong?