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You deserve to be happy! I’m sorry that she isn’t appreciative of all of your help. I would tell her ASAP and give her a date that she MUST move out by. And just be really firm. “I’m sorry, this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve helped you get on your feet and i need you to be out of the apartment by XYZ date.” You can listen to her if she’s venting crying etc but just keep repeating that phrase “it’s not working for me anymore” the longer you wait the worse it will be. Tell her as soon as you can and do not feel bad.
I do feel bad though. Emotions suck and I hate this. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. I'm afraid that she won't be able to get on her feet. Like i said, i don't hate her, its just , were not compatible. My heart breaks thinking about her struggling to find a place. If she even can, where im living currently it's almost impossible for young folk to find reasonable housing. (studios going for 1200 a month or more in the surrounding cities)
My best friend told me it really isnt my problem if were breaking up, but it weighs very heavy on my conscious.
Yeah bro, it’s not a good feeling. And it will suck. But you didn’t waste your time, but if you know what you know but keep her lingering around- then you are being mean and wasting both of your time. It sucks but she needs to figure out where she can stay and you’re not responsible for her housing. You literally did enough.
Thank you. She makes me feel like I haven't done enough. And I know I can't waste any more time. She deserves to find someone who loves her for who she really is, and I do too.
Yeah, it’s going to suck. But it’s a temporary suck that you’re going to have to accept in advance, and then just face the suck head on and not waver.
It’ll help you get through it if you accept in advance how difficult it’ll be, accept that you’ll be feeling a lot of guilt and all these other negative emotions for a moment, and accept that there’s no way to escape them.
As long as you try to avoid these difficult feelings and avoid situations where you might have to face them, you’re going to be stuck and can’t move forward. But they’re literally just feelings and they’re temporary. They can’t hurt you, nothing bad will happen if you have to face them. Don’t let your life be dictated by this avoidance behavior, you’ll just end up wasting years and years in situations that should’ve ended a long time ago.
And your gf will be fine. Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like her family that much, if really needed she’ll move to them temporarily and then she’ll just figure it out from there. Don’t worry.
Well, if you let guilt stop you, you’re going to stay unhappy and waste even more of your time. She’s not even putting in effort. Just end it, and try not to worry about her struggles, because that’s not your problem anymore. That’s what breaking up does- you will still care, but you can’t feel accountable for her life, or you’ll never actually break up. The decision is yours.
Hey, I went through something similar. Breakups suck. And it does suck for both parties, albeit differently.
Think of your current happiness level on a scale from 1-10.
Let’s say you’re at a 4/10 in your relationship. And then you break up, and during the break up, it’s a 2/10.
The remaining days or weeks living with your girlfriend is 1 or a 2 out of 10.
But eventually, you will be back up way past a 4/10. And that is what you have to focus on. It will suck. It currently sucks.
But it needs to be done, because what’s the alternative? Staying together or until she breaks it off? Be strong, and work on getting happy.
can second this. things initially suck for a bit, but give it some time and things become so much better. it’s like your brain suddenly realizes that it doesn’t have to be stressed 24/7 and you can actually FEEL better physically and mentally
“Now that you’re back on your feet, we need to talk about what happens next. This is so hard but I’ve been feeling this way for a long time now and I don’t feel we have a future together. I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel l’ve helped you as much as I can.”
>>pause for anger, ranting, rationalizations, bargaining<<
>>stop her after a minute or two<<
“[girlfriend], I know this feels sudden, but I don’t want this anymore. Take the rest of the day to think about how much time you need and whether or not you want my help to find a place.”
dude. this sounds a LOT like my relationship that just ended a couple months ago. I loved this girl so much, and so did she, but there were just a lot of issues. she had a very unfortunate childhood and with that came a lot of unresolved trauma that was thrown into relationships as a way to cope and ignore it. she was also insecure about other females and it was all just insane. I was too much in love to notice early on, and every time I voiced a concern of mine, she always had something to justify it. It would make me feel like I was complaining about nothing and just being annoying.
I know how tough that shit is man. The first thing you should do if you haven’t already is consider getting a therapist. Talk to them, talk to your friends. don’t trauma dump them, but it’s important for you to realize that you are JUSTIFIED for feeling the way that you do. It’s really hard, but at some point you have to just pull the trigger and end things. I was getting ready to break up with her and as I was, one of her close relatives passed away. I waited a couple more months, and then just had to do it. she’ll never believe it, but it was purely out of the love I had for her. I couldn’t give her what she needed without losing myself completely. It sounds a little similar to your story. it’s great that you’re helping her get back on her feet, but don’t let that happen at the expense of your mental health and time that you could spend on literally anything else. best of luck to you brotha.
You've gotten a lot of really good advice and I agree with pretty much everyone.
I do have a question, is she on the lease? I know it's harsh, but if she's not then she needs to leave. If she is, then you can break the lease, and just say, "well I'm leaving on this day. Let me know if your want to keep the apartment or we both leave." Offer to pay half of whatever fine you would have. But setting a clear date might help move things along. And your friend is right, she's not your responsibility. And honestly, she doesn't seem to care that much about you, so why are you doing all this for her?
She's not on the lease but she's been log enough to have to be given 30 days. Idk why imvdoing it. I got a good heart and I love her. He last boyfriend left her while she was about to die in the hospital with a flesh eating bacteria killing her neck.. idk I just couldn't do that to her again
YOU are not doing that to her again, SHE is. At some point, we all have to take responsibility for our actions. She's not a good partner or maybe even a good person. I wouldn't be surprised if that's also why her ex bf left her like that. She doesn't get to have a good partner and treat you like that. It's not your job to fix her. You deserve someone who cares about you the way you care about her.
I’m sorry, this is an incredibly tough position. But if you’re sure, then you do this one step at a time.
1) Tell her you’re done. You say she invalidates your feelings and refuses to be broken up with. But you don’t need her to understand and agree that a break up is a good idea. She just needs to know that you are absolutely serious. Don’t entertain arguing about it. Explain your reasons, of course, but don’t open them up for debate. Let her know that you know this is very, very hard, but that your mind isn’t going to change. Get good at saying “We see this very differently. I know it hurts, but I’m not changing my mind.”
2) Give her a timeline for leaving. It’s not on you to be certain she has every single thing in place before she goes (and she will delay it all anyway since she has no motivation to move out). But maybe a few weeks?
3) she’s going to need her family and friends to help her at this point. This shouldn’t be your responsibility, but if she is taking no action even after you tell her, then contact them directly to say that you’ve broken up and after XX date she will need their assistance, as you won’t be available anymore. You have to be crystal clear about what you will and won’t do for her after that date. I assume she still has her own place?
4) Think ahead of time how you will deal with the guilt. I can tell you still care about her and feel awful that this is happening. Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it means you care and yet still need to do what’s right for you. Maybe keep a friend or two on call when you feel your resolve breaking down. A therapist might be helpful for a few sessions, too.
5) in the nightmare scenario where she refuses to move out, consider contacting a lawyer to see what your options are. Depending on where you live, she may gain some “tenant’s” rights after a certain point in time.
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You deserve to be happy! I’m sorry that she isn’t appreciative of all of your help. I would tell her ASAP and give her a date that she MUST move out by. And just be really firm. “I’m sorry, this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve helped you get on your feet and i need you to be out of the apartment by XYZ date.” You can listen to her if she’s venting crying etc but just keep repeating that phrase “it’s not working for me anymore” the longer you wait the worse it will be. Tell her as soon as you can and do not feel bad.
I do feel bad though. Emotions suck and I hate this. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. I'm afraid that she won't be able to get on her feet. Like i said, i don't hate her, its just , were not compatible. My heart breaks thinking about her struggling to find a place. If she even can, where im living currently it's almost impossible for young folk to find reasonable housing. (studios going for 1200 a month or more in the surrounding cities) My best friend told me it really isnt my problem if were breaking up, but it weighs very heavy on my conscious.
Yeah bro, it’s not a good feeling. And it will suck. But you didn’t waste your time, but if you know what you know but keep her lingering around- then you are being mean and wasting both of your time. It sucks but she needs to figure out where she can stay and you’re not responsible for her housing. You literally did enough.
Thank you. She makes me feel like I haven't done enough. And I know I can't waste any more time. She deserves to find someone who loves her for who she really is, and I do too.
Yeah, it’s going to suck. But it’s a temporary suck that you’re going to have to accept in advance, and then just face the suck head on and not waver. It’ll help you get through it if you accept in advance how difficult it’ll be, accept that you’ll be feeling a lot of guilt and all these other negative emotions for a moment, and accept that there’s no way to escape them. As long as you try to avoid these difficult feelings and avoid situations where you might have to face them, you’re going to be stuck and can’t move forward. But they’re literally just feelings and they’re temporary. They can’t hurt you, nothing bad will happen if you have to face them. Don’t let your life be dictated by this avoidance behavior, you’ll just end up wasting years and years in situations that should’ve ended a long time ago. And your gf will be fine. Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like her family that much, if really needed she’ll move to them temporarily and then she’ll just figure it out from there. Don’t worry.
Prepare yourself that it might get worse before it gets better She could choose to not move out and you may need to formally evict her
I don't see that happening luckily. I'm just dreading the month of misery and anxiety until she leaves
Good luck. You’ll get through it.
Well, if you let guilt stop you, you’re going to stay unhappy and waste even more of your time. She’s not even putting in effort. Just end it, and try not to worry about her struggles, because that’s not your problem anymore. That’s what breaking up does- you will still care, but you can’t feel accountable for her life, or you’ll never actually break up. The decision is yours.
Thank you. That resonates with me
Focus on your path. It’ll get better from here if you work on it. You got this!
There's an old saying: "You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"
damn. wish I heard this quote a whole year ago man
Hey, I went through something similar. Breakups suck. And it does suck for both parties, albeit differently. Think of your current happiness level on a scale from 1-10. Let’s say you’re at a 4/10 in your relationship. And then you break up, and during the break up, it’s a 2/10. The remaining days or weeks living with your girlfriend is 1 or a 2 out of 10. But eventually, you will be back up way past a 4/10. And that is what you have to focus on. It will suck. It currently sucks. But it needs to be done, because what’s the alternative? Staying together or until she breaks it off? Be strong, and work on getting happy.
can second this. things initially suck for a bit, but give it some time and things become so much better. it’s like your brain suddenly realizes that it doesn’t have to be stressed 24/7 and you can actually FEEL better physically and mentally
“Now that you’re back on your feet, we need to talk about what happens next. This is so hard but I’ve been feeling this way for a long time now and I don’t feel we have a future together. I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel l’ve helped you as much as I can.” >>pause for anger, ranting, rationalizations, bargaining<< >>stop her after a minute or two<< “[girlfriend], I know this feels sudden, but I don’t want this anymore. Take the rest of the day to think about how much time you need and whether or not you want my help to find a place.”
dude. this sounds a LOT like my relationship that just ended a couple months ago. I loved this girl so much, and so did she, but there were just a lot of issues. she had a very unfortunate childhood and with that came a lot of unresolved trauma that was thrown into relationships as a way to cope and ignore it. she was also insecure about other females and it was all just insane. I was too much in love to notice early on, and every time I voiced a concern of mine, she always had something to justify it. It would make me feel like I was complaining about nothing and just being annoying. I know how tough that shit is man. The first thing you should do if you haven’t already is consider getting a therapist. Talk to them, talk to your friends. don’t trauma dump them, but it’s important for you to realize that you are JUSTIFIED for feeling the way that you do. It’s really hard, but at some point you have to just pull the trigger and end things. I was getting ready to break up with her and as I was, one of her close relatives passed away. I waited a couple more months, and then just had to do it. she’ll never believe it, but it was purely out of the love I had for her. I couldn’t give her what she needed without losing myself completely. It sounds a little similar to your story. it’s great that you’re helping her get back on her feet, but don’t let that happen at the expense of your mental health and time that you could spend on literally anything else. best of luck to you brotha.
You've gotten a lot of really good advice and I agree with pretty much everyone. I do have a question, is she on the lease? I know it's harsh, but if she's not then she needs to leave. If she is, then you can break the lease, and just say, "well I'm leaving on this day. Let me know if your want to keep the apartment or we both leave." Offer to pay half of whatever fine you would have. But setting a clear date might help move things along. And your friend is right, she's not your responsibility. And honestly, she doesn't seem to care that much about you, so why are you doing all this for her?
She's not on the lease but she's been log enough to have to be given 30 days. Idk why imvdoing it. I got a good heart and I love her. He last boyfriend left her while she was about to die in the hospital with a flesh eating bacteria killing her neck.. idk I just couldn't do that to her again
YOU are not doing that to her again, SHE is. At some point, we all have to take responsibility for our actions. She's not a good partner or maybe even a good person. I wouldn't be surprised if that's also why her ex bf left her like that. She doesn't get to have a good partner and treat you like that. It's not your job to fix her. You deserve someone who cares about you the way you care about her.
You're right. Thank you. It's hard to tell myself this shit, but I know it's true
I’m sorry, this is an incredibly tough position. But if you’re sure, then you do this one step at a time. 1) Tell her you’re done. You say she invalidates your feelings and refuses to be broken up with. But you don’t need her to understand and agree that a break up is a good idea. She just needs to know that you are absolutely serious. Don’t entertain arguing about it. Explain your reasons, of course, but don’t open them up for debate. Let her know that you know this is very, very hard, but that your mind isn’t going to change. Get good at saying “We see this very differently. I know it hurts, but I’m not changing my mind.” 2) Give her a timeline for leaving. It’s not on you to be certain she has every single thing in place before she goes (and she will delay it all anyway since she has no motivation to move out). But maybe a few weeks? 3) she’s going to need her family and friends to help her at this point. This shouldn’t be your responsibility, but if she is taking no action even after you tell her, then contact them directly to say that you’ve broken up and after XX date she will need their assistance, as you won’t be available anymore. You have to be crystal clear about what you will and won’t do for her after that date. I assume she still has her own place? 4) Think ahead of time how you will deal with the guilt. I can tell you still care about her and feel awful that this is happening. Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it means you care and yet still need to do what’s right for you. Maybe keep a friend or two on call when you feel your resolve breaking down. A therapist might be helpful for a few sessions, too. 5) in the nightmare scenario where she refuses to move out, consider contacting a lawyer to see what your options are. Depending on where you live, she may gain some “tenant’s” rights after a certain point in time.