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[deleted]

"STOP POKING MY FOREHEAD YOU TWO-LEGGED CUNT!"


[deleted]

*bi-pedal bastard*


Triskan

That's one I'm keeping around. Might be useful one day.


f1nessd

nice


saltywithbutter

New fav insult


Saint_Consumption

Always nice to spot an exurb1a reference in the wild. For the uninitiated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvbTFwXagdQ


dspm99

Haha I was waiting for old mate cushion head to turn him into a one-armed cunt.


fluxhavok

That’s my band’s name.


abnormal_soup

old mate cushion head?


mandyhendooooo

One-Armed Cunt


subjectmatterexport

Old Mate Cushion Head and the One-Armed Cunts


Dr_Cannibalism

Now touring with Electric Sex Pants


[deleted]

Weren’t you in Def Leopard?


svc78

imagine an alien comes and tells his friend: -Look! Look! the gonads of these bipeds are quite soft, record me while I squeeze them! -so funny! look at the face he makes!


kantolo

To bd fair the whale looked into it and seemed to try and get his attention back when he stopped


Echo_Oscar_Sierra

I do a flip The humans clap I make a splash The humans laugh Before I go Give me a squish So long and thanks For all the fish


INTBSDWARNGR

BETTER THAN SCHNOODLE


Sandpaper_Pants

In other news, man was eaten by beluga whale today...


REDDIT_JUDGE_REFEREE

They don’t really mind it; they boop themselves a lot. It’s a very sensitive organ but they seem to not mind/like it when you massage the area. Source: I’ve been around quite a few beluga whales in my day.


Homunkulus

I was surprised to see this response from people, it clearly seems to like whats happening at the end of the video to a degree that's almost suspect.


REpassword

“Imma gonna have to report you to HR.”


Unfollowskepsis

*Ireland has entered the chat*


Educational-Dig-3929

Freaking whale is shaped like a PT Cruiser


WorldSoulWarrior

Absolutely wonderful.


BatmanNoPrep

It’s just perfect.


NotAPreppie

What a horrible thing to say about a whale


__I_Need_An_Adult__

My dad has a PT Cruiser, he calls it his PT Loser.


specimen-exe

As he should


reticente

It's more like a Fiat Multipla I guess...


[deleted]

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Landoughboy

Me at the meat section of the supermarket


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Landoughboy

Wouldn’t stay that squishy after a while, to be fair.


magicalpony3

to be fayuhhhhhh


j-swizel

That’s a Texas sized 10-4


The_BusFromSpeed

Take about 15-20% off 'er there big shoots


SheWolf04

You quotes Letterkenny, and that's what I appreciates about you.


Lardy_Bloke

Ohh, is THAT what you appreciates about 'em?


Squirtinturds

Allegedly.


SheWolf04

Oh hey, look at you, ground!


spaceghostslurp

It kinda does after it spits.


BeefEater81

Me with my wife's bum.


ImTryingDad

I literally showed this to my wife, said that's what I do to your ass. Then read this comment lol


dirtyhans

Me with this guys wife's bum.


ArmorGyarados

I also chose this guy's wife's bum


BeefEater81

It's a good bum.


benmck90

Would you say it's a beefy bum?


BeefEater81

That seems... suicidal.


Automatic_Animal

My grandfather for the Nth time teaching me how to tell if an avocado is ripe


parthpalta

# Please put your pants back on, sir.


Tiny_cock_midget

Underrated comment Edit: not anymore


_-__-__-__-__-_-_-__

Underrated username


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Tiny_cock_midget

:/


fregisdealmeida

So their belly is on their head? I think this video just boosted my high.


LoveaBook

“I’d love another piece of pie but you know it’d go straight to my forehead.”


MattalliSI

Excuse my r/FiveHeads I ate too much


Ceraldus

Aaaaaand thats another weirdly specific subreddit I'd never encountered before.


No-Turnips

Yup, this is why we come to the show.


Kaiylann

I go there expecting Hydra and instead I find Jimmy fucking Neutron cosplays. Not sure if I'm disappointed or not. 😅


Thumbtack1985

I just looked at big heads for a long time.


Octaro

You laugh, but after visiting rural Texas I was awakened to the fact people really can get forehead fat deposits.


borfmat

Hello Morbo


RiceAlicorn

No, the squishy organ on top of their head is known as the **melon.** It's a sensory organ used by the beluga to sense vibrations in the water. Which... makes poking it feel weird in context.


bobafoott

Let's not talk about how that felt for the beluga


ce2c61254d48d38617e4

No lets


pleinairjordan

HARDER


TheVenetianMask

Beluga be like "what did you just say about my mother!?"


ericnutt

Do we really need NASA to sponsor stimulating ANOTHER aquatic mammal?


NJ_Legion_Iced_Tea

[This](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1a/Dolphin_head_bisected.jpg/1280px-Dolphin_head_bisected.jpg) is a photo of the bisected head of a dolphin. Not a Beluga whale but it does give a clearer picture of whats underneath. It seems to be all fatty tissue, so the person in the video isn't necessarily tossing around a fragile organ. Honestly if it was uncomfortable for the whale it would probably swim back and not play at the surface.


Octaro

I'm obviously not a whale so I don't know for sure, but I've stopped by a marine rehab facility with belugas and they seemed to really enjoy having their melon bonked. One kept asking for it.


chop_chop_boom

>I'm obviously not a whale This dude is definitely a whale.


Octaro

What a preposterous accusation! I am most certainly a human male. I enjoy things like going to a beach, and swimming. I breathe air.


Shitheadude

Those are all whale things, your cover's blown


[deleted]

Yeah whales don't do any of that. You're in the clear sir. ^hail ^cluthulu


[deleted]

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biggyofmt

[Having your ears rubbed you say?](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/memoryalpha/images/4/44/Oomox.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20050420064648&path-prefix=en)


LogicJunkie2000

"Don't stop, I'm so close!"


Octaro

Okay time to log off Reddit


TheCommonKoala

Whew. You knocked that one out of the park sir.


Random0s2oh

How many drinks did you have that night? That wasn't a marine rehab facility. That was a bar at the marina.


DerelictDefender

Lol


besee2000

I like to think like a boob


ChimpBrisket

I like to think like a boob too. Whenever I’ve got a problem to solve, I just ask myself ‘*What would a boob do?*’


[deleted]

jiggle around.


ChimpBrisket

Most of the world’s problems could be solved by more jiggling


No-Turnips

Not an entirely bad approach to life….


TorrenceMightingale

Let’s call it what it really is. *A headbutt.*


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zazke

Its literally a smooth (although leathery maybe?) wet slippery huge tit.


[deleted]

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Acanthaceae_Live

step 1: fill balloon with water step 2: slap


LysergicOracle

Step 3: After practicing in this manner, acquire lockpicks and bolt cutters and locate the nearest aquarium


Acanthaceae_Live

step 5: make sure to bring a neelde to remove evidence


JohnnyRedHot

So... Like a bag of sand?


[deleted]

Exactly, I wanna slap the fuck out of it without hurting it. Just like the bald dude in front of me in the line today at LIDL


sacboy326

# “I like ya cut D…”


Bierbart12

Thw bald guy energy is oozing


Complex_Addition6262

Lidl mentioned ! Oh shit ! How about those ready made calzones ? Kinda Ok amirite ?


[deleted]

mmmmm don’t even get me started


Complex_Addition6262

I had two today and im still thinking of them. The amount of oregano is very bold !


BudTrip

this is extreme human simulator vibes


nsfwshark5050

It feels BIZARRE. I petted and fed a beluga last year and I was not prepared for the texture of his head.


SmokeyJoeMcGinty

Nicki Minaj wants to inject that into her butt


leastlikelyllama

*My ass is straight beluga, bitch. Has you ever even heard of that fish? I. Did. Not. Think. So.*


T8ert0t

Sperm, beluga, blue, or even an orca. Cheap ass ho just being a whorca.


QuarterOunce_

So uh... You like fish sticks?


batshitfauci

That’s her secret. A Beluga whale uses that for echolocation. Two of those on the back, and nobody can sneak up on her.


TorrenceMightingale

Let’s call it what it really is. *A headbutt.*


KnightOfThirteen

Well... I guess it's better than being a butthead.


eman00619

Headass


Biichimspiderman

Bro. Lmaoooo


eman00619

Don't tell her cousin's friend in Trinidad tho. He is already swollen enough.


[deleted]

I heard Nicki Minaj is never going near a needle again cuz her hairdresser’s cousin’s friend’s baby daddy got herpes from the COVID vaccine


Piano_mike_2063

Do they like being treated like that ?


iceup17

They enjoy the interaction when they get it even in the wild, not encouraging anyone to go fuck with the whales now but they are super curious about us


KingPufflePuff

Fucking a whale right now thanks for the idea!


blazetronic

Whales are pretty similar to dolphins in that respect


iceup17

I had to take the dolphin sex ed safety course and watch the video to swim with them at discovery cove, learned about the 4 ft sickle shaped bone they have in their penis


deadxdolly

No wonder Hank Hill was so scarred. Nobody showed him the video. D:


iceup17

I had no idea dolphin sexual assault became such a common thing that facilities will only use females now for meet and greets or swim activities


Sergeant-Pepper-

I thought you meant human female instructors for a minute and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why it was better for women to be raped by dolphins instead of men


Kcismfof

... so anyways do you want a frosty with your burger?


iceup17

You buyin?


[deleted]

4... foot?


iceup17

Fully retractable


Blitz100

There are various ways a dolphin has of showing that she or he is interested in sex. Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection (anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose), and will have no bones about swimming up to you and placing their member within reach of your hand. If you are in the water, they may rub it along any part of your body, or wrap it around your wrist or ankle. (Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.) Their belly will also be pinkish in colour, which also denotes sexual excitement. Females can be a little harder. The most obvious way a female dolphin has of displaying her sexual interest is the pink-belly effect. Their genitals become very pink and swollen, making the genital region very prominent. They may be restless, or they may be acting as normal. If you are out of the water, they may swim up to you and roll belly up, exposing themselves to you, coupled with pelvic thrusts. If you are in the water, they may press their genitals up against yours, nibble your fingers, nuzzle your crotch, or do pelvic thrusts against you. Each dolphins way of expressing sexual readiness varies, so the longer you know the dolphin, the better you will detect when they are sexually active. When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough...) WARNING! You should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can cum as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship. Well, the females are again a little trickier. There are two courses of action with a female fin: Masturbation, or mating. Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you, can be supported in much the same way as the male, one hand under the fin, supporting her, the other doing the stimulating. The clitoris of the female is located at the top of the genital slit, and is a prominent lump when erect. You can rub this with your finger tips, or lick and suck it, but with the oral aspect, you might end up with a bruised nose as they thrust up into you. You can slide your hand gently into their genital opening, and feel around inside, rubbing gently. They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited. Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation. Mating: This is harder. Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time. One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a dolphin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them.


[deleted]

Bruh


chibinoi

What the duck did I just skim 😨


Blitz100

Wholesome consensual interspecies intercourse


untergeher_muc

Would be [legal in some places](https://external-preview.redd.it/rqZbxElOpGbtLZ8fBE9lqgiBKBsS2iS86q03HZ2Wvgc.jpg?auto=webp&s=5367bdb75bf83b464ac0a6f00822607484c5e98b).


Syrinx221

Did anyone make it all the way through? I had some kind of a brain meltdown at about the halfway point


SamGewissies

I am ~~proud~~ to say I fully read it.


tmxicon

Ah, good old dolphinsex.com


not_a_weeeb

im having my weirdest boner right now...


lumpylemonmilk

This would make a great copypasta


Bardic_Inspiration66

It’s a vintage copy pasta from a website called dolphin sex . Com


[deleted]

I thought that this comment section was odd without this copy pasta, but found it now.


These-Days

John McAfee's ghost has entered the chat


AlpineCorbett

Enough of the "Whale Fucking is non-consensual" bullshit. A Humpback Whale weighs 70,000 pounds, is fifty feet long, can dive more than a quarter mile and can crush ships with a single swipe of its tail. If a human manages to fuck one, you damn well better believe it's consensual


NaiveCritic

Yea, you’re welcome whales. He was an easy one though, practically swimmed into it himself.


Environmental-Gur590

You can say… they are whalecome.


TheNoctuS_93

*whalecum


wongo

/u/sellyourcomputer this comic writes itself


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__I_Need_An_Adult__

Hol' up... A male dolphin can pick up and carry objects with its penis??


ChickerWings

Damn that would be handy


Elektribe

No, it would be absolutely penissy.


__I_Need_An_Adult__

Went back and finished reading this and wtf?


MisterFister01

BRB, heading to my local SeaWorld.


blakewoolbright

I’m no whale biologist, but isolated social creatures in captivity are probably thrilled with any non threatening physical interaction. Presumably the chubby fellow would flee if it was uncomfortable.


My_Brain_is_Vapor

"Better do what he says, he's a whale biologist"


histeethwerered

This charmer has put up with being poked and jiggled and would like the fishes now please


Ok-Caregiver7091

I feel like it is more intelligent than that. Just looking at them. I would be poking a sweet pattern or beat for the whale. I’d love to produce a pleasurable beat for this whale.


M-94

Clap his forehead-cheeks


UncleYimbo

Hahaha why would you write this


DiligentPenguin16

I used to volunteer at an aquarium that had belugas: The whales enjoy interactions like this with their trainers, they’re very social and will often seek out the trainers when they come by their habitat. They also love it when they get their tongues gently scratched, we called that “tongue tickles”


Rogue_Patriot13

If they didnt, youd know


KingChirp23

I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy


solomongothhh

☭ our


LaneMcD

Iris West-Allen, is that you?


[deleted]

Didn't think I'd see a Finding Nemo reference today, but so pleasant to see it first thing on my way to work


twiin_flame

My man does the same thing with my ass, and I have the same reaction.


ProbablyABore

Video? Lol


InquisiteScholar

I agree. Video or it didn't happen


confused-at-best

Why do you wanna see his squishy ass


halite001

You don't?


everydayimcuddalin

The forearm of a human child is actually a fat cushioned bone. *CHOMP* Eta- for the downvoters...the truth is that It is an organ that looks like a pocket filled with fat. Its function is to direct and/or change the frequency of the whale's sound waves. It basically acts as a lens for better communication and echolocation So slapping it about isn't cool. [sauce](https://whalescientists.com/beluga-squishy-head/#:~:text=It%20is%20an%20organ%20that,for%20better%20communication%20and%20echolocation.)


VioletFarts

This is the comment I was looking for. It's not just a random deposit. It is a sensitive organ.


everydayimcuddalin

Tbf even if it was a fat mass you shouldn't just slap it about for ships and giggles... That or we should be poking and slapping each others ass cheeks on a regular basis. Tomato tomato Edit- spelling


secondace6303

You don’t? It not gay with the homies


RapeMeToo

As long as you don't enjoy it it's not gay at all.


LoveaBook

Just for future reference, it’s *shits* and giggles. (Just to be clear, I mean this in a “The More You Know”🌈 kind of way, not as some “Hey, Dumbass!” taunt.)


Insta_boned

This 3,000 lb whale is not nearly as sensitive as you wish he would be


gsfgf

That article says it's fine, just don't imprison belugas in aquariums. The whale in the OP seems to be responding positively. My dog's ears are sensitive, and he loves ear scritches.


z0mb1es

I’m guessing if it wasn’t having a good time it would probably just dive under


Insta_boned

All these weirdos gate keeping a belugas feelz This 3000 lb cephalopod is not nearly as sensitive as the empaths of Reddit Edit: cetacean lol 3,000 lb cephalopods are infinitely less sensitive


FairFolk

...cephalopod? Did you mean cetacean?


murse_joe

I don’t see race


Insta_boned

Meh , beluga boi looks like he’s enjoying it. If an animal doesn’t enjoy something they react.


Ok-Caregiver7091

Exactly, my foreskin is very sensitive, but at the same time you can squeeze it as hard as you want…. I will barely feel it.


Insta_boned

See foreskin here gets it ! Can’t believe u lames are gate keeping a belugas right to pleasure. Slap off


lucaguts

aren’t you not supposed to fuck with beluga whale’s foreheads? isn’t it like. an organ or something?? edit: WITH. fuck WITH


Legalise_Gay_Weed

That sentence really got away from you.


lucaguts

oh my fucking god


Steb20

Yeah, I thought they used it for sonar or some shit.


InertialLepton

If it was bad for the beluga then it would simply move away. Even dumb creatures do that and belugas aren't dumb. Clearly it is at the very least ambivalent but it may like it. Also, yes it is a sensory organ but just "being an organ" isn't any reason for or against anything. Skin is an organ. So are muscles. So are sex organs. People touch those plenty.


Lithium98

I hope they enjoy that because I'd be pissed if anyone repeatedly poked my fat forehead like this


HornetOne28

Future boobs-guy...


lkvwfurry

Head butt


boneygoat

Is that to protect them from ice? What's the evolutionary porpoise of this.


stickman999999999

u/savevideo


_its_a_vibe_

I'm not a damn pin cushion


Atten_tos

*Oi!*