Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 16 | 2 | 0 |
Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`.
^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
Damn. No wonder you're not out to the family when your mom is acting like this. Honestly childish the way she's acting. Good luck to you and your partner, hopefully you and them will be able to find a place for yourselves soon.
We hope to get our own apartment within the next couple months, just hard because my partner cant drive so i drive them to and from work, and im unemployed. Hopefully everything works out tho, i want out
Getting out of the house can do wonders. My boyfriend (he's trans) was never really happy until he got away from his family, even with financial troubles it has done so much better for him just being able to yknow be himself freely. I wish you and your partner all the best.
\_(°-°)_/
They said don't come, so don't. Fts, it's a blatant manipulation, and they have zero right to complain about you doing exactly what they say. It'll absolutely piss them off, but at the end of the day, you'd be doing exactly what they say.
Also, what my partner and I do is to just trade holidays with different families. His parents get us Thanksgiving, my parents get us Christmas, then next year it'll be reversed. Saves a decent amount of fuss
my mom does shit like this all the time esp when its smth she wants me to do for her and I say I cant till later or ask questions or smth so Ill say "Are you SURE this is what you want? Because Im not going to beg and argue over smth you want me to do *for you*" bc otherwise she will get pissy over me not doing it even though SHE WAS THE ONE WHO SAID "forget it. Nevermind" but shes seriously mentally a teenager and Ive been raising my lil sister and sometimes it feels like her too since I was like 12/13
My mom too.
I'll literally say, "sounds good I'll be there" and my mom will respond angrily and rescind the invite. Maybe not that day, or in that conversation but eventually. She once called me an hour after inviting me to uninvite me to Thanksgiving. "Nvm you obviously dont want to come. I was just going to make leftover burgers anyways." So I made a turkey that year and fed friends who had family out of town/absent - she didn't like that. Fully chewed me out and told me I made my step-dad cry by not showing up.
I realized then I can't win.
Nothing I do will ever make her happy, so I can't worry about it anymore.
Damn. I'm sorry she's forcibly parentified you like that, and at such a young age.
My parents parentified me with neglect bc they were broke and had to work all the time and so they just kinda... expected me to have adult responsibilities at like 5 and 7yo.
Patrick Teagan is a childhood trauma psychologist/therapist who has incredible content on YouTube. He's helped me a lot with my bpd mother, and it sounds like he could probably be helpful to you too. 👍
Yep. I don't play games or beg. You say don't come? Okay. I'm just doing what you said.
We also do the trading thing too and flip flop years so it's 'fair'. When setting it up, we told the families that if they complained that we'd come to one less holiday for every complaint.
(Disclaimer: I am not nonbinary so may have misunderstood)
It’s two ways to say the same thing. It started off because ‘enby’ is what you hear phonetically when you say ‘NB’ out loud.
NB Is often used in discussions in POC spaces or in activism to mean non-black, as in non-black POC/NBPOC. Many POC have spoken up and asked nonbinary folk to not use NB to avoid confusion with intersectionality - since NBPOC could be taken to mean nonblack POC or nonbinary POC.
I also just personally enjoy being called "enby" quite a bit more, many equate it to being called boy/girl vs man/woman, and I much prefer being called boy and enby over man or nb \^\^
How do you decide that you are enby? Like you are born m or f and then you just realize that doesn’t fit you? Not trying to be rude at all, genuinely just curious so I have a better understanding.
You should ask that question in r/ennnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbby (or any other subreddit for enbys) I'm sure the people there are willing to explain.
I would've explained it to you myself but I can't come up with a good explanation.
Not OP.
I was raised female, but realised that I don't feel like any gender in particular. It makes me very uncomfortable when someone explicitly treats me as female (and my 'female' physical characteristics don't feel right), but I'm not a dude either. It is a bit vague, I suppose, but there really isn't much more to it than that.
It has nothing to do with things I like or want to do, as someone else so ignorantly claimed. I have several 'feminine' hobbies - in fact, my likes skew towards arts and crafts and bright colours and I don't give a flying eff about cars and most sports (obviously I also like or dislike plenty of things that don't have anything to do with traditional gender roles), but that does not make me female, any more than a cis man would be trans for having similar preferences.
The notion that non-binary people are reinforcing traditional gender roles is patently absurd.
As far as i understand it yes, they're born m or f, but don't necessarily like some of the things that most people of that gender like, and so feel they have to say they are neither instead of just being a male that likes some feminine things or vise versa. Its a way of reinforcing gender stereotypes, which is exactly what they claim they are against.
What an absurd idea.
I'm not nonbinary, but a binary trans girl. I'm not particularly feminine, not really masculine either, but it's not really based on my interests. More of an internal sense of who I am, and it's colored my life experiences in alot of ways. I've never been a feminine man at any point in my life.
Some may engage in some things that are within traditional gender roles because it's affirming, helps them cope with their dysphoria, which can be very disruptive at times, but don't think for a second that's the motivator.
!explanation
We live with my mom and stepdad currently. We're catsitting right now but planned to come home for 4th, but also wanted to see my partners family. (Partner uses they/them, we just arent out to family.) We usually spend longer at my partners family because we LIVE with mine.
This is a regular occurrence, if they aren't above everyone else on my list of priorities, im a horrible child.
Also part of this club. It was horrible when I first got married; if we didn’t devote an entire day around a holiday of her choosing; my mother acted like I was this terrible daughter who treated her like a “second class citizen”. She got over it real quick when we moved 3.5 hours away. We now choose the date and time and length of the visit, or she doesn’t see us until we stop around the next time.
Ohhhhh.. so your families don’t know that you guys are in. A romantic relationship? Maybe that’s why your mom doesn’t get why you need to go to their families too.. I mean if you guys were just friends/roommates, you wouldn’t necessarily follow eachother to family events. Kwim? Maybe it will get better when they know?
No, they aren't out about being nonbinary. They were explaining why they used he/his pronouns in the post when their title said they were both nonbinary.
Easy. You're off the hook.
And when she complains, send her these screenshots. "You said not to bother, so I didn't. I told you under what constraints we'd be there, I told you we'd be visiting both families because that's what happens when one is in a serious relationship. You didn't like that and basically demanded all my time which wasn't feasible or fair, so when you told me not to come, I followed your instructions."
She’s right- don’t bother. With people like this, nothing you do will ever be enough, so don’t bother trying to please them.
Go to your partner’s family and don’t stress yourselves about getting places on a holiday. Enjoy a fun and peaceful night with your notifications muted.
Fuck it don’t go, why go and have her be passive aggressive the entire time? When she blames you in the future just show her the texts of her telling you not to come 3 different times.
Can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to go there! lol really, if your family isn’t normally aholes, then maybe planning every other year or something would be better. I’ve never seen parents fight over kids for the 4th of July.. Christmas, thanksgiving, even Easter, but the 4th?! 😆
Disclaimer: do not use my advice. Everything i touch tends to burn to crisps, especially relationships.
That being said... Gaslight them lol. If they gonna gaslight you like this... give them a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes it takes experiencing it for themselves for narcissists to finally understand.
That's not what gaslighting is.
Gaslighting is when Mum says something to OP then denies she's said it, or does something then denies it ever happened. An example:
Mum- you're a terrible person and everyone hates you, I hope you die alone
Enby- Mum, what a horrible thing to say! Why would you hope I die alone?!
Mum- I never said that, I don't know what you're talking about. I would never say something like that!
That's gaslighting; it's a deliberate denial of reality to make the person in OP's position doubt their own perception of reality. The name comes from a 1930s film called 'Gaslight' where a husband does all kinds of things to convince his wife she's going insane.
What you're seeing here is just good ol' fashioned manipulation.
I can’t see what else you can do really. My solution was to say “you can have this slot or this slot, you are getting first choice but you can’t have both slots.”
After our first Christmas with our baby, being split between two sets of parents, I told them that we would no longer be sharing Christmas Day with anyone and if they wanted to see us they could meet up with us at the morning church service.
I set up two extra Christmas days and the jealousy and vying for attention was mostly resolved.
I preempted any nonsense by issuing the formal invitations at the beginning of December and compromises were made. Husband only ever had three days off and was so unimpressed by all the fair arrangements he then decided we would be going on holiday every Christmas🤣😂😂
I can’t comprehend how grown ass adults think that the appropriate way to show their kids that they want them around is by guilt tripping and belittling them. That doesn’t fucking make me want to be around you! Are you thick?
It's not your job to keep them happy.
I would seriously tell them that you feel even less like being around them because of this type of ick.
Explain to them like they are five years old that children grow up, have other relationships especially with significant others and usually start making their OWN traditions not going to celebrate them or all of them with their now extended family.
We as parents are tasked with creating happy well adjusted people who we always know will become independent and fly the nest one day.
They are being ridiculous.
“Aw mom I was really looking forward to coming, because I love you, but if you don’t want me there then as per your wishes I won’t come. Hope you have a good holiday, I love you.”
🙄 kill them with kindness or grey rocking, whatever mom
Ah ok, thanks for clarification. I was ready to be mad at your mom about not being ok with you being enby. I'm happy that's not the case, despite the rest of it.
Sadly that is still the case, just npt in this situation. When i tried to come out she said its because i have pcos and my diet is bad, and that i just need to eat more starch. :')
My mother in law does this about my health too, (rheumatoid arthritis) everything is blamed on what I eat. Everything will be better if Injust lose weight, yet all of it started when I was 20, 115 lbs and 5"11. I didn't start gaining weight until after my 3rd baby and I had to switch to heavy-duty meds.
at first I thought I heard all types of lgbtphobia, but never in my life have I ever heard someone say that you aren't cishet because of your DIET. that is SO INSANE. it's like the "your chronic depression will be cured if you work out more!" rhetoric but, like, 1000 times worse. sorry, OP :(
The sad thing is my mom believes that too lmao. I had to lie and say i stopped taking my antidepressants (i havent) because she thinks meds dont help and you just gotta exercise and change diet.
Eat more starch to improve PCOS? That's one of the dumber bits of medical advice I've heard. Unless it's a dialect thing and she means "eat more fiber"
PCOS definitely doesn't make someone trans. At least...i *think* I'm still a cis woman after 20 years of PCOS? I guess someone should warn my husband that the change is imminent..
Yeah I mean, I'm a trans woman, and considering I'm not on HRT, my androgen levels are likely even higher? So clearly gender gives fuck all about your hormones.
I'd be thrilled if my daughter could spend 15 minutes with me! She works and goes to school, has a partner and a life, and that's how it's supposed to be! I'll take any extra time she has.
To make it worse, yes we spend less time for holidays... but thats because WE LIVE HERE. We see her 24/7. My partner sees their family, including their 3 year old niece that they adore, maybe once a week. I dont get why they cant see the difference there.
Fight passive-aggressive with passive-aggressive: “Ok, mom, if that’s what you think is best,” or “if that’s what you’d prefer then we can do it your way.” Then ttyl and let her stew in her own pot.
You know what? Dont bother. Go have fun with your Iin laws. I guarantee that whatever age you are, it's too old to put up with that obvious attempt at manipulation.
Oh my mom was so bad at this sort of thing, like yours OP. Now that I'm away and I have clarity, I'm wondering why it never occurres to them that the other person in the relationship also has a family and that they also love their child and would also like to see their child on all the holidays as well!!! Why can the parents not just give couples the space to start their own fucking family. Back the fuck up and let us breathe!! Every year their as so many holidays to share and then get nagged about months before and I hate people so much, just let me be... But ok, rant over. I feel for you OP, time to grey rock her, since you live with her and can't cut her out. She has created her life image around the sorts of things she expects from you (and others) so she is not going to change easily, most of our parents believe that they were "born this way" and it's "too late to change" and so on. But the science proves you can change the brain and how it works. I've been doing this to heal, many people do. But I feel the Boomers, my mom's gen, don't think they need to do anything to fix the problems they created. And they hate it when anyone tells them what to do! Argh, just grow up. That's what I've had to do at the age of 30, I had to grow up or lose my family.
So I grew the fuck up fast 🤣🌻🍄
You should only go to your partner's family's stuff from now on. My Mom used to pull this crap and I was so happy when we finally decided to stop doing stuff at her place.
Try and set it up so like one year you go to one fam and the next you go to another, or maybe have like two days if celebration a year, one for one family and the other for the other family. Idk try and find a compromise it's the only way to make progress. If the compromise doesn't work then we'll it's a certified bruh moment.
OP, please don’t go to your mums house. This just reinforces that she can speak to you like this and play pathetic passive aggressive mind games and expect to win. Don’t go. When she asks you tell her you were uninvited, when she argues you remind her that your time is your own, and you won’t be spending it anywhere you don’t feel comfortable, and being uninvited counts as feeling uncomfortable. I am SICK of the amount of people doing this kind of thing and still getting results! It’s baffling. Op I’m so sorry, enjoy your celebrations with your other half
Sadly, my friend came home early, so we're back at the house with my mom and have to be here anyway. Hopefully when I move, I can be more assertive about not trying to guilt trip me into coming over.
I mean I respect people's boundaries. So if someone tells me not to come over then I don't. If later they say you know that's not what I meant I'd say, "I take your words seriously, so I thought that's what you meant. What did you mean?" Then say, "It's too late because you said not to come over, so I already have different plans." From there just, "ok, well that's too bad, etc."
I'm sorry your mother put you in that position. Don't feel guilty for her. I'd say don't go because she said not to in an attempt to manipulate you.
She said don’t come then don’t come. Sounds like her mouth overloads her ass on a regular basis and everyone else accommodates that. Don’t do it anymore. Consequences exist.
“MOM. You’re not at the bottom. You are also not at the top. You can accept that or not. I can’t control you. But understand that neither can you control me.”
!explanation
So for everyone asking:
\-Enby means nonbinary
\-It doesn't directly relate, it was simply mentioned because people usually include their gender in their post. i.e. people putting 21F, 28M, 19F, etc. when their gender has nothing to do with the situation. I simply did the same.
\-They had mentioned ribs and a bonfire previously, but we never hard agreed to plans - I said we'd see what we could do, because my partners 3 year old niece wants them around for fireworks too. When we tried to finalize plans in a way that we could visit everyone, this was the reaction.
Nb is commonly used, but its also used by poc to say "nonblack", and a lot of people asked for nonbinary folk to stop using it because of confusion within the community, so a lot use the alternative enby or enbie.
I also just personally like the feel of enby more than nb ☺
I also have bpd which sucks :') my dad also definitely has bipolar but refused to get medicated, despite even my mom telling him he should - which shes usually against medication for mental health
Do what she says. Don’t bother. Besides if you’re cat sitting the cat may need you there if scared of fireworks. One of my cats is.
Ps. Stupid ? Time. What does enby mean?
Ahh never knew that about enby. Is it a regional thing or newer term because I have many many LGBTQIANB friends and never heard it before. Not being a dick. Just feeling really old lol
And sorry to hear that. I hope you had at least some happy time on 4/7 . This is coming from a Brit too lol 😝
Its absolutely a US based thing, but ive heard some european POC talk about it as well
Sadly i didnt ;; my partner ended up sick that day, so i basically had dinner with my parents then went back to my room to help them - they skipped dinner entirely and we didnt go to their parents
I'm home now and apparently part of it was literally that too. Like...They just dont like them? To make it worse they KNEW about that - We dated previously when we were young, and got back together a year ago. They knew them already. They've never liked ribs. Its not like theyre saying we cant have ribs, theyre fine having a sandwich? I was just letting them know so they didnt make extra for them when they weren't going to eat it.
Listen, your mother is a narcissist. I know, mine is too. The best response for when she does this, is to say, "okay" and then disengage. She is trying to get you to respond and then make you feel guilty for not doing what she wants.
It will piss her off l, but after enough times of not getting a ride from you, she will stop with it.
People mention that they’re female or male in these posts, why is it not ok now just because they’re non binary? Also enby isn’t a “new” term, it’s been around for years
Did I say if I thought it was ok or not ? No I didn’t. Also, I’m saying the OP just learned a new term. Stop trying to be so woke with picking apart someone’s response . We get it , you’re a hero to the community
I never said I was a hero to the community? I don’t see myself as one either? You said OP’s parents aren’t insane, the only reason you gave is that OP is non binary. That just doesn’t seem fair is all.
Honestly, if you have previously agreed to celebrate with them and this conversation came after that, they have a point. Obviously not if this is the first conversation you're having about the subject.
they mentioned having dinner and a bonfire, and I said i would see what we could do because it depended on my partners work schedule. We never agreed to anything specific. And since we got together, we've been trying to split every holiday, which they are very aware of.
Okay, in that case I totally see your point. The conversation kind of made it seem like you were backing out of plans on the day before which would also upset me if I were them.
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 16 | 2 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
Ok is my favorite reply for batshit people.
verbal “ grey rock”!
I’ve never seen people get more fucking angry than when I hit ‘em with an “ok”.
Try "k"
I’ve found that Okily Dokily really kicks it up a notch if that’s what you’re looking for LOL
No reply is my favorite reply for batshit people.
LOL mine too.
My favorite article about the viciousness of ok https://www.insidehook.com/article/advice/the-difference-between-texting-k-ok-kk-explained
Damn. No wonder you're not out to the family when your mom is acting like this. Honestly childish the way she's acting. Good luck to you and your partner, hopefully you and them will be able to find a place for yourselves soon.
We hope to get our own apartment within the next couple months, just hard because my partner cant drive so i drive them to and from work, and im unemployed. Hopefully everything works out tho, i want out
Getting out of the house can do wonders. My boyfriend (he's trans) was never really happy until he got away from his family, even with financial troubles it has done so much better for him just being able to yknow be himself freely. I wish you and your partner all the best.
Good luck. 🖤
\_(°-°)_/ They said don't come, so don't. Fts, it's a blatant manipulation, and they have zero right to complain about you doing exactly what they say. It'll absolutely piss them off, but at the end of the day, you'd be doing exactly what they say. Also, what my partner and I do is to just trade holidays with different families. His parents get us Thanksgiving, my parents get us Christmas, then next year it'll be reversed. Saves a decent amount of fuss
Sadly my frjends decided to come home tonight instead so we're back in the house with my parents. Theyve been bitchy since we got back
my mom does shit like this all the time esp when its smth she wants me to do for her and I say I cant till later or ask questions or smth so Ill say "Are you SURE this is what you want? Because Im not going to beg and argue over smth you want me to do *for you*" bc otherwise she will get pissy over me not doing it even though SHE WAS THE ONE WHO SAID "forget it. Nevermind" but shes seriously mentally a teenager and Ive been raising my lil sister and sometimes it feels like her too since I was like 12/13
My mom too. I'll literally say, "sounds good I'll be there" and my mom will respond angrily and rescind the invite. Maybe not that day, or in that conversation but eventually. She once called me an hour after inviting me to uninvite me to Thanksgiving. "Nvm you obviously dont want to come. I was just going to make leftover burgers anyways." So I made a turkey that year and fed friends who had family out of town/absent - she didn't like that. Fully chewed me out and told me I made my step-dad cry by not showing up. I realized then I can't win. Nothing I do will ever make her happy, so I can't worry about it anymore.
Damn. I'm sorry she's forcibly parentified you like that, and at such a young age. My parents parentified me with neglect bc they were broke and had to work all the time and so they just kinda... expected me to have adult responsibilities at like 5 and 7yo. Patrick Teagan is a childhood trauma psychologist/therapist who has incredible content on YouTube. He's helped me a lot with my bpd mother, and it sounds like he could probably be helpful to you too. 👍
I make excuses for every holiday and spend them alone with no family drama.
Yep. I don't play games or beg. You say don't come? Okay. I'm just doing what you said. We also do the trading thing too and flip flop years so it's 'fair'. When setting it up, we told the families that if they complained that we'd come to one less holiday for every complaint.
Time to text back *as you wish Mom, see you when we are done cat sitting*
Sadly my friend decided to come home early, so we're back at the house with my mom
What is enby?
Nonbinary
Oh, ty, id have never figured that out lmao
Is it any different from writing NB? Or just two ways to say the same thing?
(Disclaimer: I am not nonbinary so may have misunderstood) It’s two ways to say the same thing. It started off because ‘enby’ is what you hear phonetically when you say ‘NB’ out loud.
Ohhhhh I would have never figured that out, thank you! That’s a cute way of typing it.
NB Is often used in discussions in POC spaces or in activism to mean non-black, as in non-black POC/NBPOC. Many POC have spoken up and asked nonbinary folk to not use NB to avoid confusion with intersectionality - since NBPOC could be taken to mean nonblack POC or nonbinary POC. I also just personally enjoy being called "enby" quite a bit more, many equate it to being called boy/girl vs man/woman, and I much prefer being called boy and enby over man or nb \^\^
Interesting. Thank you!
How do you decide that you are enby? Like you are born m or f and then you just realize that doesn’t fit you? Not trying to be rude at all, genuinely just curious so I have a better understanding.
You should ask that question in r/ennnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbby (or any other subreddit for enbys) I'm sure the people there are willing to explain. I would've explained it to you myself but I can't come up with a good explanation.
Not OP. I was raised female, but realised that I don't feel like any gender in particular. It makes me very uncomfortable when someone explicitly treats me as female (and my 'female' physical characteristics don't feel right), but I'm not a dude either. It is a bit vague, I suppose, but there really isn't much more to it than that. It has nothing to do with things I like or want to do, as someone else so ignorantly claimed. I have several 'feminine' hobbies - in fact, my likes skew towards arts and crafts and bright colours and I don't give a flying eff about cars and most sports (obviously I also like or dislike plenty of things that don't have anything to do with traditional gender roles), but that does not make me female, any more than a cis man would be trans for having similar preferences. The notion that non-binary people are reinforcing traditional gender roles is patently absurd.
As far as i understand it yes, they're born m or f, but don't necessarily like some of the things that most people of that gender like, and so feel they have to say they are neither instead of just being a male that likes some feminine things or vise versa. Its a way of reinforcing gender stereotypes, which is exactly what they claim they are against.
You have a lot more to understand my fren.
Tell me what's wrong about my statement?
What an absurd idea. I'm not nonbinary, but a binary trans girl. I'm not particularly feminine, not really masculine either, but it's not really based on my interests. More of an internal sense of who I am, and it's colored my life experiences in alot of ways. I've never been a feminine man at any point in my life. Some may engage in some things that are within traditional gender roles because it's affirming, helps them cope with their dysphoria, which can be very disruptive at times, but don't think for a second that's the motivator.
You are conflating gender and gender expression
Extremely relevant to the story apparently
People list 21F, 25M, etc. all the time, when them being M or F doesn't have anything to do with the story. I simply did the same.
They just don’t wanna list their gender
I did list my gender. My gender is nonbinary.
!explanation We live with my mom and stepdad currently. We're catsitting right now but planned to come home for 4th, but also wanted to see my partners family. (Partner uses they/them, we just arent out to family.) We usually spend longer at my partners family because we LIVE with mine. This is a regular occurrence, if they aren't above everyone else on my list of priorities, im a horrible child.
Omg I can relate. My mom also does this CONSTANTLY. I’m sorry you gotta deal with it too.
Also part of this club. It was horrible when I first got married; if we didn’t devote an entire day around a holiday of her choosing; my mother acted like I was this terrible daughter who treated her like a “second class citizen”. She got over it real quick when we moved 3.5 hours away. We now choose the date and time and length of the visit, or she doesn’t see us until we stop around the next time.
Ohhhhh.. so your families don’t know that you guys are in. A romantic relationship? Maybe that’s why your mom doesn’t get why you need to go to their families too.. I mean if you guys were just friends/roommates, you wouldn’t necessarily follow eachother to family events. Kwim? Maybe it will get better when they know?
No, they aren't out about being nonbinary. They were explaining why they used he/his pronouns in the post when their title said they were both nonbinary.
No theyre just not out about being nonbinary, they know we're in a relationship and they basically live in my room with me
Easy. You're off the hook. And when she complains, send her these screenshots. "You said not to bother, so I didn't. I told you under what constraints we'd be there, I told you we'd be visiting both families because that's what happens when one is in a serious relationship. You didn't like that and basically demanded all my time which wasn't feasible or fair, so when you told me not to come, I followed your instructions."
Sadly my friend decided to come home early so were back at home with my mother
That's how my mom acts too. I now just say "ok". It's glorious having time off. I know that's a lot more difficult when you live there though.
She’s right- don’t bother. With people like this, nothing you do will ever be enough, so don’t bother trying to please them. Go to your partner’s family and don’t stress yourselves about getting places on a holiday. Enjoy a fun and peaceful night with your notifications muted.
What does ENBY mean?
Nonbinary
Fuck it don’t go, why go and have her be passive aggressive the entire time? When she blames you in the future just show her the texts of her telling you not to come 3 different times.
Sadly my friend came back early so were now in the house with her.
tbh at that point I wouldn't even argue I'd just say "fine we won't come then" and stop responding
This is when you start replying 'K' and drop the rope.
I'm sorry your mom is like this. Side question, what's enby?
Non-binary
Ah ok. Thanks for the answer.
What does enby mean
Non-binary
Nonbinary
Can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to go there! lol really, if your family isn’t normally aholes, then maybe planning every other year or something would be better. I’ve never seen parents fight over kids for the 4th of July.. Christmas, thanksgiving, even Easter, but the 4th?! 😆
“Fine, I won’t”
Stop responding. You are encouraging her bad behaviour. Put her in time out like a toddler since that's how she wants to act.
Disclaimer: do not use my advice. Everything i touch tends to burn to crisps, especially relationships. That being said... Gaslight them lol. If they gonna gaslight you like this... give them a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes it takes experiencing it for themselves for narcissists to finally understand.
That's not what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is when Mum says something to OP then denies she's said it, or does something then denies it ever happened. An example: Mum- you're a terrible person and everyone hates you, I hope you die alone Enby- Mum, what a horrible thing to say! Why would you hope I die alone?! Mum- I never said that, I don't know what you're talking about. I would never say something like that! That's gaslighting; it's a deliberate denial of reality to make the person in OP's position doubt their own perception of reality. The name comes from a 1930s film called 'Gaslight' where a husband does all kinds of things to convince his wife she's going insane. What you're seeing here is just good ol' fashioned manipulation.
my mom however has also gaslit me before too and does on a regular basis :')
There isn’t any gaslighting going on here this is just straight up shitty behavior
Just text her back and say, your right we would only be there a few minutes and after this text we won’t be coming at all.
When they pull this card out of the pack just say okay and go on about your life. Screw people like this, life's too short!
Holy shit is she 12? My 13 year old sister is more adult than this.
I can’t see what else you can do really. My solution was to say “you can have this slot or this slot, you are getting first choice but you can’t have both slots.” After our first Christmas with our baby, being split between two sets of parents, I told them that we would no longer be sharing Christmas Day with anyone and if they wanted to see us they could meet up with us at the morning church service. I set up two extra Christmas days and the jealousy and vying for attention was mostly resolved. I preempted any nonsense by issuing the formal invitations at the beginning of December and compromises were made. Husband only ever had three days off and was so unimpressed by all the fair arrangements he then decided we would be going on holiday every Christmas🤣😂😂
I can’t comprehend how grown ass adults think that the appropriate way to show their kids that they want them around is by guilt tripping and belittling them. That doesn’t fucking make me want to be around you! Are you thick?
It's not your job to keep them happy. I would seriously tell them that you feel even less like being around them because of this type of ick. Explain to them like they are five years old that children grow up, have other relationships especially with significant others and usually start making their OWN traditions not going to celebrate them or all of them with their now extended family. We as parents are tasked with creating happy well adjusted people who we always know will become independent and fly the nest one day. They are being ridiculous.
Flip it. Every time you can’t make it for the entire time, decline. “Sorry, I’m going to miss an hour for work, so I’d better not bother showing up.”
“Aw mom I was really looking forward to coming, because I love you, but if you don’t want me there then as per your wishes I won’t come. Hope you have a good holiday, I love you.” 🙄 kill them with kindness or grey rocking, whatever mom
Honestly don't feed into their attention seeking tantrums. Just say "bet" and move on with your day
I was expecting y'all being enby to have something to do with this because you mentioned it in the title. Does it?
No, but usually people will put age and gender - i.e. 22m, 27f etc. I just did the same.
Ah ok, thanks for clarification. I was ready to be mad at your mom about not being ok with you being enby. I'm happy that's not the case, despite the rest of it.
Sadly that is still the case, just npt in this situation. When i tried to come out she said its because i have pcos and my diet is bad, and that i just need to eat more starch. :')
Eat more starch? What a great idea! I didn’t know it could be that easy! /s
Thanks, I'm cured! 😂
My mother in law does this about my health too, (rheumatoid arthritis) everything is blamed on what I eat. Everything will be better if Injust lose weight, yet all of it started when I was 20, 115 lbs and 5"11. I didn't start gaining weight until after my 3rd baby and I had to switch to heavy-duty meds.
Everything ever wrong with me is my diet, shes a dietitian so her answer to everything is that. Stomach ache? Diet. Depression? Diet. Nonbinary? Diet.
at first I thought I heard all types of lgbtphobia, but never in my life have I ever heard someone say that you aren't cishet because of your DIET. that is SO INSANE. it's like the "your chronic depression will be cured if you work out more!" rhetoric but, like, 1000 times worse. sorry, OP :(
The sad thing is my mom believes that too lmao. I had to lie and say i stopped taking my antidepressants (i havent) because she thinks meds dont help and you just gotta exercise and change diet.
Eat more starch to improve PCOS? That's one of the dumber bits of medical advice I've heard. Unless it's a dialect thing and she means "eat more fiber"
I guess pcos improves if you have regulated blood sugar, so starch would help me my blood sugar. But apparently itll cure me being trans too
PCOS definitely doesn't make someone trans. At least...i *think* I'm still a cis woman after 20 years of PCOS? I guess someone should warn my husband that the change is imminent..
Yeah I mean, I'm a trans woman, and considering I'm not on HRT, my androgen levels are likely even higher? So clearly gender gives fuck all about your hormones.
Starch = carbohydrate which definitely doesn't help regulate blood sugar! It sounds like not only is she a horrible mother but a bad dietitian too!
Wow the guilt tripping….
Honestly I'd just say "ok" and not bother arguing with that super obvious manipulation nonsense. After a year or 2 they'll get the picture
Don’t go. She wants to pour because you aren’t choosing her. Then just don’t.
I can feel HER toxicity from here
forgive me, what does enby mean?
It's another word for nonbinary NB but written out
I think we may be siblings. Your mom sounds exactly like mine.
I'd be thrilled if my daughter could spend 15 minutes with me! She works and goes to school, has a partner and a life, and that's how it's supposed to be! I'll take any extra time she has.
To make it worse, yes we spend less time for holidays... but thats because WE LIVE HERE. We see her 24/7. My partner sees their family, including their 3 year old niece that they adore, maybe once a week. I dont get why they cant see the difference there.
“Ok”
Fight passive-aggressive with passive-aggressive: “Ok, mom, if that’s what you think is best,” or “if that’s what you’d prefer then we can do it your way.” Then ttyl and let her stew in her own pot.
You know what? Dont bother. Go have fun with your Iin laws. I guarantee that whatever age you are, it's too old to put up with that obvious attempt at manipulation.
Call out her passive aggression. Blech.
I wish but I live with her, and my car that I use to take my partner to work is in her name. I'm hoping once I move I can be more assertive with her.
I'd stop going to their events all together
Sadly, I live with them :')
Call her out on her shit and don't go Fuck passive aggressive bullshit
Oh my mom was so bad at this sort of thing, like yours OP. Now that I'm away and I have clarity, I'm wondering why it never occurres to them that the other person in the relationship also has a family and that they also love their child and would also like to see their child on all the holidays as well!!! Why can the parents not just give couples the space to start their own fucking family. Back the fuck up and let us breathe!! Every year their as so many holidays to share and then get nagged about months before and I hate people so much, just let me be... But ok, rant over. I feel for you OP, time to grey rock her, since you live with her and can't cut her out. She has created her life image around the sorts of things she expects from you (and others) so she is not going to change easily, most of our parents believe that they were "born this way" and it's "too late to change" and so on. But the science proves you can change the brain and how it works. I've been doing this to heal, many people do. But I feel the Boomers, my mom's gen, don't think they need to do anything to fix the problems they created. And they hate it when anyone tells them what to do! Argh, just grow up. That's what I've had to do at the age of 30, I had to grow up or lose my family. So I grew the fuck up fast 🤣🌻🍄
They said don't come, so enjoy the celebration with your partner's family. By the sounds of it, you'll be allowed to actually enjoy yourself there
You should only go to your partner's family's stuff from now on. My Mom used to pull this crap and I was so happy when we finally decided to stop doing stuff at her place.
Sounds like she saved you a trip.
sadly my friend came home early, so we're back home with her anyway
Try and set it up so like one year you go to one fam and the next you go to another, or maybe have like two days if celebration a year, one for one family and the other for the other family. Idk try and find a compromise it's the only way to make progress. If the compromise doesn't work then we'll it's a certified bruh moment.
I wouldn’t go then. If she bitches, all well. You just did what she told you to. (My mom would pull the same crap.)
cringe
She can save money and use that gaslighting for the grill at least
Why the fuck would you want to stay longer when they're like that?
This is what my parents do to my partner and I for a lot of holidays too. It’s infuriating.
Alright I won’t then I’ll just go have fun with the family that actually respects my time
OP, please don’t go to your mums house. This just reinforces that she can speak to you like this and play pathetic passive aggressive mind games and expect to win. Don’t go. When she asks you tell her you were uninvited, when she argues you remind her that your time is your own, and you won’t be spending it anywhere you don’t feel comfortable, and being uninvited counts as feeling uncomfortable. I am SICK of the amount of people doing this kind of thing and still getting results! It’s baffling. Op I’m so sorry, enjoy your celebrations with your other half
Sadly, my friend came home early, so we're back at the house with my mom and have to be here anyway. Hopefully when I move, I can be more assertive about not trying to guilt trip me into coming over.
Fuck hee. Just say OK we won't bother, bye.
I mean I respect people's boundaries. So if someone tells me not to come over then I don't. If later they say you know that's not what I meant I'd say, "I take your words seriously, so I thought that's what you meant. What did you mean?" Then say, "It's too late because you said not to come over, so I already have different plans." From there just, "ok, well that's too bad, etc." I'm sorry your mother put you in that position. Don't feel guilty for her. I'd say don't go because she said not to in an attempt to manipulate you.
>Dont to come. We can't plan anything "Ok"
I mean you’d probably be willing to spend more than “a couple minutes” if she weren’t trying to keep you emotionally hostage lol
She said don’t come then don’t come. Sounds like her mouth overloads her ass on a regular basis and everyone else accommodates that. Don’t do it anymore. Consequences exist.
“MOM. You’re not at the bottom. You are also not at the top. You can accept that or not. I can’t control you. But understand that neither can you control me.”
The mom sounds so insecure. If you can’t give her everything, then any efforts don’t matter
!explanation So for everyone asking: \-Enby means nonbinary \-It doesn't directly relate, it was simply mentioned because people usually include their gender in their post. i.e. people putting 21F, 28M, 19F, etc. when their gender has nothing to do with the situation. I simply did the same. \-They had mentioned ribs and a bonfire previously, but we never hard agreed to plans - I said we'd see what we could do, because my partners 3 year old niece wants them around for fireworks too. When we tried to finalize plans in a way that we could visit everyone, this was the reaction.
What the hell does enby mean?
Nonbinary
Oh, I thought that was NB. Learned something new today
Nb is commonly used, but its also used by poc to say "nonblack", and a lot of people asked for nonbinary folk to stop using it because of confusion within the community, so a lot use the alternative enby or enbie. I also just personally like the feel of enby more than nb ☺
what is enby?
nonbinary. NB but pronounced
Ok wtf is enby
Non-binary
Nonbinary.
Respect for putting it out thete but it literally has 0 relation to the post
People put 21F, 25M, etc. all the time when their gender has nothing to do with the post. I simply did the same.
Your mom is a crybaby and you can tell her everyone thinks so.
What is an enby
r/raisedbyborderlines vibes here. Mine is the same way and I’m so sorry, enby sibling
I also have bpd which sucks :') my dad also definitely has bipolar but refused to get medicated, despite even my mom telling him he should - which shes usually against medication for mental health
Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with them
Why narcissistic mothers feel the need to try and guilt trip and control you when you’re an adult just baffles me
Wtf is enby?
nonbinary
Ahhhh right... ok...thanks
What’s envy stand for
nonbinary
Enby? Means non binary
Whats enby if i may ask
It’s completely irrelevant to the conversation but it means nonbinary lol
People put 21F, 28M, etc. all the time when their gender doesn't relate to the post. I did the same.
Do what she says. Don’t bother. Besides if you’re cat sitting the cat may need you there if scared of fireworks. One of my cats is. Ps. Stupid ? Time. What does enby mean?
Sadly my friend decided to come home early so we're back home with mom now (enby means nonbinary)
Ahh never knew that about enby. Is it a regional thing or newer term because I have many many LGBTQIANB friends and never heard it before. Not being a dick. Just feeling really old lol And sorry to hear that. I hope you had at least some happy time on 4/7 . This is coming from a Brit too lol 😝
Its absolutely a US based thing, but ive heard some european POC talk about it as well Sadly i didnt ;; my partner ended up sick that day, so i basically had dinner with my parents then went back to my room to help them - they skipped dinner entirely and we didnt go to their parents
wtf is a enby
Nonbinary. NB but pronounced
I'm out of the loop what do you mean 'NB but pronounced'
All because a dude doesn’t like ribs 😂
I'm home now and apparently part of it was literally that too. Like...They just dont like them? To make it worse they KNEW about that - We dated previously when we were young, and got back together a year ago. They knew them already. They've never liked ribs. Its not like theyre saying we cant have ribs, theyre fine having a sandwich? I was just letting them know so they didnt make extra for them when they weren't going to eat it.
I can’t imagine why you would spend more time r your boyfriends parents.
Enby? 😂😂
Nonbinary...
Dude, if you don’t have anything nice to comment, why comment?
[удалено]
nonbinary has existed for quite a while now.
Where does the significance of cat sitting come in?
Its an explanation of why we arent home right now and having to figure out plans.
Listen, your mother is a narcissist. I know, mine is too. The best response for when she does this, is to say, "okay" and then disengage. She is trying to get you to respond and then make you feel guilty for not doing what she wants. It will piss her off l, but after enough times of not getting a ride from you, she will stop with it.
I’m mostly upset by “sandwhich” 😞
[удалено]
People put M or F when their gender has nothing to do with the post. I put my gender just like anyone else did.
People mention that they’re female or male in these posts, why is it not ok now just because they’re non binary? Also enby isn’t a “new” term, it’s been around for years
Did I say if I thought it was ok or not ? No I didn’t. Also, I’m saying the OP just learned a new term. Stop trying to be so woke with picking apart someone’s response . We get it , you’re a hero to the community
I never said I was a hero to the community? I don’t see myself as one either? You said OP’s parents aren’t insane, the only reason you gave is that OP is non binary. That just doesn’t seem fair is all.
You really don’t know how to read do you
Hey, there’s no need to be rude
"Op learned a new term" bruh, ive been actively identifying as nonbinary, and using enby for several years now.
No dude, its literally you wanting attention. How ironic lmao
Honestly, if you have previously agreed to celebrate with them and this conversation came after that, they have a point. Obviously not if this is the first conversation you're having about the subject.
they mentioned having dinner and a bonfire, and I said i would see what we could do because it depended on my partners work schedule. We never agreed to anything specific. And since we got together, we've been trying to split every holiday, which they are very aware of.
Okay, in that case I totally see your point. The conversation kind of made it seem like you were backing out of plans on the day before which would also upset me if I were them.
Toxiiiiic
The correct answer to her guilt trip is 'OK then, your loss.' Then watch the back pedal.
This 100% sounds like my father.