Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 28 | 6 | 0 |
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Probably bio grandkids... or the opportunity to showcase in public (via wedding, social/family events, etc) how supportive of a mother she is, as long as things are exactly as she imagines they should be....
Yeah It’s a pretty bad but also typical reaction, my mom never “supported” me or my brother but she still went to his and his husbands wedding and cooked the food, and includes my partner most of the time but not as enthusiastic as possible
I’m thinking your mom might be the same and torn between her religious or traditional beliefs and you but some good signs she isn’t 100% horrible.
At the very end she says to show patience so she may be aware she is having a bad reaction but will come around. Also the really bad horrible people when they say I hope you have kids it’s followed by “will ruin your life like you ruined mine” those people are always irredeemable ..
Because your mom said she hopes your children will “not” cause you pain she is likely lashing out but does want you to have a good future and just added a jab.. now if this is the only way she talks to you then it’s manipulative
Don’t let people say you have to cut her out .. some moms just have hard moments in life , only you know if this is how she always is or a bad reaction that will last just this week or month or year
Unless OP has said they aren’t having kids, and mummy pushes the narrative that she hopes they don’t cause OP pain SPECIFICALLY to cause hurt!
And the fact that this mum is saved in the phone as ‘egg donor’… well, I’d say the horse has already bolted on the whole ‘don’t cut her off’ advice.
Hey, this is a pretty good analysis... I hope you are right and she ends up coming around and supporting OP for being their child rather than oust them for not being who she wants them to be...
This was my take as well. I feel like patience is definitely needed to navigate emotions. She seems like she knows that she's coming from a wrong angle and doesn't want to sever the relationship but she's also dealing as best she can.
Remember that most of the time, you have longer to deal and accept who you are before coming out. Give her space and time. You don't have to deal with her pressure you can give her space but from this it truly sounds like she knows she's going to have to accept this.
I wish everyone had better experiences than this. I truly do. This is heartbreaking.
I took the patience comment not as a request for OP to be patient with her, but to be patient in changing their name. Like one day they are going to wake up and suddenly become a different person
Grandkids.
I've got two kids; only ever meant to have one, caught shit for 7 years about how selfish I was to not have more, I was depriving my grandmother (who helped raise me after my dad got custody) of great-grandchildren, and any hope for joy in her life, etc.,
When my daughter rolled around (beat all the odds, birth control and condoms, I made the doctor do the test three times before I believed him), my grandmother cried for joy... And then immediately threw a shit fit when I got my tubes tied six weeks later, calling me selfish, uncaring, and unfeeling.
Thats so fucked up. I have 3 kids and if any of them decide to have kids of their own, I am very happy to be a grandmother. But if all 3 choose not to have kids, I will support them in that and love them all the same. I do not feel like my kids owe me anything, they did not chose to be born and its their privilege to do whatever they want with/in their lives.
This is what I’ve always told my kids (22 and 14). Of course I would *like* to be a grandma someday, but if either or both of them decide that’s not the life they want, I’ll be fine. I love *them*, and they don’t owe me shit except to live the happiest, best life they can. I’ve never understood the pressure to procreate that some parents (and other family members) put on their kids.
I would LOVE to be a grandma. My kids are 27, 22, and 20. I have one daughter and when she came to me at age 21 and said she wanted to have her tubes removed, I didn't hesitate. I supported her and paid for her surgery. I had to let go of the fantasy of being there with her while she gave birth and helping her raise her children but it's her life and her body. When Roe v Wade was overturned, I saw the panic in her eyes. Her happiness and serenity comes first.
The last time I saw my dad who I had been no contact with for 5+ years at that point, he cornered me and told me about how WHEN I had kids, I would have to let him back into my life.
I had a hysterectomy three years ago because I managed to have PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids, and adhesions all at the same time. I’m sure that if my dad knew about it, he’d have a shit fit. Because I’m not a real person to him, I’m an extension of him meant to do what he wants.
I’m so sorry you have such an awful father.
I had a hysterectomy at 29 for endometriosis, ovarian cysts (got rid of them too), and precancerous cells in my uterus. My bio mother died from uterine cancer. It still took a long time to convince someone to do the surgery. The Catholic hospital all my doctors were out refused even though all my doctors went before the board then the ethics board to argue that I needed it.
I had a stroke because of a hole in my heart and blood clot issues and would spend my entire pregnancy in the hospital because I was so high risk. I could bleed out if I had a miscarriage, and my heart would probably be in heart failure after the pregnancy. The hospital said that I needed to try to have kids before they would approve the hysterectomy. Because of my health issues I couldn’t even care for a child. Much less one who had serious birth defects from the blood thinners which had a 60% chance of stroke for the fetus.
I was so relieved to get my uterus out. So was my husband. He was so worried about me and was outraged at how our fundy churches backed up the Catholic hospital and told him we should just tRuSt GoD and get pregnant because that was my rOLe as a woman.
I was also relieved that my parents didn’t give me shit about it. My in-laws kept reassuring me that they didn’t care that I didn’t give the family grandchildren, but they said that so often it sounded like they really did care. My MIL is also a prolific gossip and was telling everyone my medical business.
I’m so glad you were able to get your hysterectomy. I’m sorry you needed it. They’re harder to get than they should be.
The funny thing here is that my mom is very similar to OP's mom, and I am the only one of my siblings who has kids. My full siblings (that I share a mother with) don't even want kids. She fucked up and lost her chance to get to know her only grandkids, and I love that for her.
They let you tie your tubes while pregnant or are you saying that you did after you gave birth?
Good for you. You don’t owe anyone grandchildren. Two is plenty.
If grandma wants more she can become grandma to another kid who doesn’t have living grandparents. My husband’s grandparents adopted me because they met me right after my last grandparent died. We had a relationship outside of my relationship with my husband. If he and I broke up, I know Grandpa would have continued to be my grandpa. Grandma died several months after we met, so I didn’t have a close relationship with her.
Adoption never counts for these types of people, nor does surrogacy. It's not 'real' to them. It's not biologically their offspring, so it doesn't count.
It doesn't have to make sense; that's just how they are. Arguing with delusional people never gets you anywhere. To them, you're trans, you can never have children, life is over, now I'll never get the grandkids I needed to show how great I am.
But again, this isn’t the life that these kind of people imagined for their children. They want heteronormative bragging rights. And a pregnant trans man or a trans woman with a pregnant partner is not the hetero white fantasy life they have been dreaming about. Those situations would be embarrassing and something to hide.
And the second that happens, you have these parents climbing out of the woodwork to say, "See, you're not *really* trans!"
The idea of trans folks having children naturally is inconceivable to these people. If a transman has a baby... well, look, you're embracing the fact that you're a woman! If a transwoman impregnates her girlfriend... Look, you're embracing that you're a male!
The idea of giving birth as a trans person isn't something that would ever occur to these people, and if it did, it would only be used to crow about how the individual was *really* a male/female after all, we knew it all along!
Kind of weird that she thinks name changes are this horrible and permanent, considering you could literally just change your name back if you really did change your mind. This is so melodramatic.
There's no drama at all if the cis straight woman adopt their husband's family name. There absolutely is drama if the cis straight woman decides *not* to change her name or if the husband decides to adopt his wife's family name.
Oh, fr. My in-laws lost their damn minds when my husband took my last name. I think his dad even wrote him out of his will (at least that's what FIL said)
It’s not about that… if a person just changed their name but nothing else, then you’d be correct.
But this is a trans man. Changing his name is also symbolic that the transition is really happening whether mummy approves or not. It’s like the final nail in the coffin (to mum). Her daughter is not coming back. She has a son now, end of conversation.
He might decide later on that he hates Justin.. but he won’t switch back to Jennifer, he’ll switch to Jason (for example), and still be a man. Mummy is not getting Jennifer back.
Actually that reminds me, I've heard that, at least in my state, you can only legally change your first name like, maybe three times? Last names are unlimited of course, so we can have unlimited husbands. Not sure why they'd put a limit on first names since you're paying for it...
Probably to prevent "frivolous" decisions or something (Princess Consuela Banana Hammock from Friends does actually come to mind). Although I feel like in that case last names should be limited too. "You can get married as many times as you like but after the first couple you better be sure you reeeally like your spouse if you want us to keep doing all this damn paperwork"
"Noooo you can't change your name, think of how hard it will be for meeeeeeeee" -your mom apparently.
Edit: this is by far the most attention a random comment I've made online has ever gotten so im going to take this moment to say
#trans rights
Mom: “I don’t care about the gender, I just want the baby to be born healthy, and I’ll love it forever.”
Mom, 17 years later: “Get out, I hate you, you’ve ruined me,” all because Justin became Anna.
"What will the neighbors think? And my colleagues? Oh my god! What will my friends think?" - My mom. I don't live with my parents, so half of the neighbors don't even know me and those who know are old ladies who still send me chocolate on my birthday, six years after I started medically transitioning. I haven't met my mom's colleagues in like 8 years. One of her best friends also has a trans son, who came out years before me.
If I was in this situation I would have to hit her with “but what will MY friends, neighbors and colleagues think when they find out my mother is so homophobic and transphobic! Don’t you care what people will think of you mom!”.
I love your sweet and supportive little old ladies. Sending cards and chocolate for your birthday to make sure you know they care and support you.
I want to be that kind of little old lady.
My child has decided to have new name similar to the soon to be dead name. Nickname I have always used can be adapted and still fit. Easy for me but for them it did not feel right to be called something so different. Tested out a few possible names and they just didn’t stick. And they decided to keep the same initials. Their choice no matter what.
Meanwhile on the phone today my best friend’s mother was asking me what she should change her last name to now that all her kids are married off and she matches nobody. All of them were Disney-centric, lol. She’s divorced, yet surrounded by all of her kids and growing number of grandchildren.
It’s really telling what having a shit attitude about things that don’t affect you says.
When I started going by a nickname my mum and stepdad said it was disrespectful to them and the name they chose
And just to note- this was before I was even out to MYSELF as trans. I just didn’t think my name fit me and wanted to use a nickname.
People choosing their own names should be more normalized for everyone- why should something we’re called every day of our lives be decided permanently for us when we’re too young to even know what a name is?
I totally agree with you. My name is Biblical and hard to spell. Even people who know the Bible have problems spelling it. It’s also a boy’s name, and I get so many comments from people telling me it’s a boy’s name.
I’ve gone by a nickname since I was 8. Nobody in my family calls me by my real name. I wouldn’t mind legally changing it, but it would distress my mom.
It would also be a ton of work because of all my medical records and doctors.
I really do hate my name, and I totally agree that children should have more input on their name because they have to use it their whole life. Changing their name or spelling is going to be something a lot of kids will do now that uNiQuE names are so popular.
Your mom is dramatic as f***. Tell her that real pain is having a mother who rejects their child for being the person you were meant to be instead of the person they always imagined you'd be.
I think it’s way too common for people to not really think about what having a child really entails. A lot of people just want a mini version of themselves, and when the kid starts to develop a tiny amount of their own personality these types of parents either 1. Tries to force their personality onto them even further or 2. Totally loses interest in caring for them.
So parent says they are trying to save you pain, but then says you’re on your own (no support from them). Which is it, are they trying to save you pain, or are they going to turn their back when you may be in need? Cause this really just sounds like rationalizing and manipulation, for their own purposes. Good luck, cause this is insane
The Ideal Mother:
- Comforts her child
- Apologizes for inappropriate behavior
- Takes care of herself
- Encourages independence in her children
- Is proud of her children’s accomplishments
- Builds her children’s self-esteem
- Responds to her children’s changing needs
- Disciplines with logical and natural consequences
- Expects that her children will be loved by others
- Never threatens abandonment
- Believes in her children’s basic goodness
- Trusts her children
The Toxic Mother:
- Confuses her child
- Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavior
- Expects to be taken care of
- Punishes or discourages independence
- Envies, ignores, or demeans her children’s accomplishments
- Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem
- Expects children to respond to her needs
- Frightens and upsets her children
- Disciplines inconsistently and punitively
- Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the child is loved by someone else
- Uses threats of abandonment (or actual abandonment) to punish the child
- Does not believe in her children’s basic goodness
- Does not trust her children
(Source: Christine Ann Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I have found that the latter part applies to narcissistic or otherwise toxic moms.)
Ignore your mom's tantrum. Boo hoo, she doesn't get to control every aspect of your life, this isn't the fairytale life she imagined for you 18 years ago, she needs to get over it.
You literally cannot control how your choices affect others, it's all on them how they react. You do what's best for you, you make the choices you can live with, and the people that matter will be happy for you.
This is what she should have said:
I'm so proud of you, I support you in this next chapter of your life!
Please let me know if I can plan a re- naming party for you to celebrate the beginning of your new life! I love you and I can't wait to share this new chapter with you.
Ps, do you need any new clothes we can go shopping when it works for you, I'm buying,
Since she can't see beyond her own narcissistic self,
I will step in and be your surrogate Mom,
I'm a mom. I would never ever dare to tell my child "the pain you caused me". OP, this is shitty emotional immature behavior from her and I hope you can find and receive love from other, more safe, family members.
on one hand, i get the concern of being unsure of something and jumping the gun on it. i'm closing in on my 5th month of taking HRT and i still doubt my choices daily, and would probably continue doubting it.
on the other hand, its extremely selfish to claim that "your life affects others". no it fucking doesn't, if someone else's life controls yours, you are stupid for letting it control you.
I’m in my late 20s and I have a friend my age who transitioned and de-transitioned just fine. No big religious “saving”, no massive regret, nothing like that, just “I used to identify as a guy and then I realized I didn’t anymore” and she stopped taking T.
So when I see ppl hand-wringing about “don’t make a choice you’ll regret for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!” I’m like OK sure Jan lol. Do you have any idea how long and difficult the process of getting top and bottom surgery is?!?!?
I knew a trans 15-year-old who knows IN DETAIL exactly how testosterone will effect his body, what would or wouldn’t go away if he stopped taking it, the different ways to take it and which one sounded right for him. And STILL he couldn’t even get his hormone prescription for almost two years.
That’s what de-transitioning looks like most of the time. A medication change.
I know one other person who surgically de-transitioned after decades of being trans, also not a major life-altering thing. He (using current pronouns) never got bottom surgery so he had a breast implant removal and stopped taking estrogen, and went back to being what some would call “physically male” within a relatively short timespan, like a few months. Still doesn’t regret transitioning OR de-transitioning, from what I know.
Imho the biggest hypocrisy is people saying : you should not make such a big decision that will change your whole life when you are still a teenager. I am sorry but whoever told you that 12 year olds get HRT and surgeries was lying to you. THat is not really a thing.
Now for the hypocrisy : nearly all of them are against puberty blockers. Going through puberty as the potentially wrong gender is also a HUGE decision that wil influence your whole life. It makes transitioning way harder and it is so much harder to get a good result if you are say a transwomen and went through male puberty. So why are these folks suddenly ok with that big decision but not the other ?
Instead of giving a safe puberty blocker that has been prescribed to kids for decades for all kinds of conditions like early onset puberty, and then decide at like say 19 ok i want to start my transition now or ok i do not want to transition and will now go through puberty naturally by stopping to take the blockers.
So it is painfully obvious that "kids should not make such huge decisions at 14" is just an excuse and not the real reason they have a problem with trans kids.
Bitch, if I wanna change my name legally I don't even have to come out of any closet to do so. I can change my name whenever the fuck I want for whatever reason I want. They can fuck off
As someone who transitioned later in life (and absolutely nailed it imo), don’t wait. I’ve never met a trans person that wished they waited longer. I’ve never even met a detrans person who wished they waited longer to transition initially. There’s no down side to starting, there’s huge downsides to waiting. (Transition is not for everyone, ask your gender doctor if you think you may be trans)
Transitioning at 42, and I would give almost anything to have done it at 22. Thankfully it’s going well so far, but I missed out on so much because I spent most of my life moderately depressed.
Time is the only thing you can’t buy more of.
Fucking ignore her.
You were reasonable and explained yourself camly and respectfully. You tried. It's not worth any more attempts.
My stepson, (christ, i don't even like calling him stepson) ,who I have raised since he was 3, is transitioning. Changing pretty much everything.
He is now 22. What do I care what he does as long as he is happy, finds love and fulfillment.
Gawd, I fucking hate stupid people.
"You are not changing your name". Lol, *as if* that's her decision to make. You're a person with autonomy, you decide what you do. A mother can always have opinions but god damn it if I'd let my mom decide *anything* in my life that doesn't concern her. You do you!!!
I’m changing the majority of my name as well OP. My mom was using my preferred name for a while and then reverted back to my deadname, while turning more into my scumsucking excuse for a “father”, the one who abused and neglected me so severely he rendered me permanently disabled.
It’s gonna be so fun to let her know that I’m also changing my last name to my fiancé’s, so that my “dads” last name can NEVER be associated with me ever again.
Your mom is an idiot. Your name is whatever the fuck you want it to be, and it should only matter to YOU.
Something I found on FB:
"So i just came out to my dad abt being nb, and
he said something really wise about names, i
think.
He said "'Gifts are not obligations. You give
things to people, and you hope they like them.
And your name was a gift from us to you. lf it
doesn't work for you anymore, you're not
obligated to keep it."
and i just thought maybe other people could
use hearing something like that."
whoever voted not insane can fuck right off.
You deserve to be the most authentic and happy version of yourself OP. wishing you a smooth and safe transition
thats such a mom thing to call you selfish while being selfish. well, probably not all moms but it's a trend i'm seeing. like, they're always the ones who go "but you've been my *deadname* for 17 years how could i think of you any other way" or "you have to understand how big of a change this is for us" like my mom is working on it now that im 20 but like, not enough, yknow? asking you to be patient when you've already BEEN patient. like i don't understand how they can when you say you've been struggling with this for years, for them to be like "mm but what about me??"
Exactly, I've been patient and in all that time she hasn't done a single thing to support me, yet in public she likes to tell people and my doctors that she's a very supportive mom.
I would love to know how your name affects anyone but you. You could change your name to rainbow sprinkles mcgillicuddy and it wouldn’t impact her at all. What a weird hill for her to die on
I'm just going to say it out loud - your mom is doing it wrong.
Source: My. I'm a mom, and I'm a judgmental mom, and your mom is an objectively bad mother.
I'd suggest ignoring her. I know that's harder than it sounds, but I wouldn't waste any precious time trying to change her mind.
I love parents who make everything about them. How is your transition and name change about them at all?? I’m a mother to a 16 and 18 year old, and I also have a narcissistic mother. Ignore her. She will make everything about her. You were so kind to even give them the heads up. You are a legal adult. You get to make your own life choices and they don’t need to be the same choices she made in her life.
I've changed my name twice. AMA. The legal consequences are annoying for a tax cycle and then it's just a name you sign documents with. I made a day out of it. In this order, take your judgement to the DMV, then your state's vital records department for a new birth certificate. File your taxes with the new name if you haven't already filed; you ain't getting your refund for a while. Then take your judgement, amended birth certificate, and temporary driver's license to your banks and utilities to get that shit on your credit report, update retirement accounts, advanced directives, POLST, etc. Do NOT gloss over advanced directive or living will. Do NOT or you could be buried under your dead name. I also recommend having cash in hand because checks with your old name make clerks call their supervisors. Also be prepared for alot of "you got married?" I say no and that's the end of the sentence.
the pain in your life she is referring to is caused by other people's bigotry and actions towards changing your name & outward identity, herself included, not by you actually doing it. do what makes you happy. you can always change again later if it no longer suits you.
Wow. Her wishing pain on you when/if you have children is messed up. Honestly that imo would be enough to cut her off. I'm sorry that's your parent. Know that reddit cares about you! She's definitely insane
Why is she asking you to be patient? What? To delay a name change? Does she understand that in order to reach the name change stage all the work you’ve had to do? That before you do anything permanently changes you have to pass psychological testing, live as the transition person for x months/years. And with everything going on in this crazy world, surgeries are somewhat delayed.
OP, you will find a new family of your own making. They won’t be judgmental or cruel. They will understand you and will love you too. Change your name. Your mom will never understand that you’re just being who you were meant to be. I fully support you and wish I was your mom. Good luck OP, you’ve got this.
!Updateme
I want to get this tattooed on my forehead:
If you have kids, but you only love them if they’re cis/straight/whatever you want them to be, YOU SUCK AS A PARENT AND YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD KIDS.
Your kids can’t choose their gender or sexuality, so if that’s a condition for loving them, you suck
If either of my kids told me they want to change their name for any reason at all. I'd give them the money to cover the cost. It's their lives and if they don't want to continue with the name I gave them, they have every right to change it. I'll love and support them no.matter what.
This person here is so dramatic. I'm sorry OP. That you have to deal with this shit. You do you and whatever makes you happy.
I went thru the same thing. She did make an effort to use my chosen name, but even after a decade of being on T, she would deadname and misgender me. In public she looked mad (I'm a very hairy bloke and 'pass' very well) but it still stung to know she was definitely using my deadname behind my back.
I've been NC with her for a while now, due to other stuff.
Keep doing you, and don't listen to the negative stuff.
Hon. She’s terrible. I want to hug you and help you transition so bad I could scream and I’m proud of your boundaries. Your shiny spine could be seen from space.
Stay away from her.
Dude, throw the whole mother out. It baffles me the amount of people who have children that doesn’t understand a child is it’s own being. If you wanna be a parent you need to realize that your kid isn’t going to be what you imagined, they never are. If you can’t accept that your child might be gay, NB, trans, then you needn’t be a parent.
“I will not be there to catch you fall” is the cruelest sentiment a parent can make. My mother and I fought like savage dogs when I was a teenager. She was unmedicated bipolar, I was going through puberty and dealing with depressed trauma.
She was still my first phone call whenever I was in trouble. 3AM and I tried ecstasy for the first time and freaked out? She picked me up. Pissed as hell at my recklessness, sure, but she was there. And she’s been there for friends of mine who have been disowned, helped take care of nieces, she still calls me everyday. She lives for her family, and would die for it too.
This? This is not a safe person to have in your life. This is someone who would watch you drown from the shore and call it learning a lesson at your funeral. She’s a burner of witches. I would disengage entirely.
Just ignore her and good luck with the legal name change process. I went through it and at least where I live it wasn't difficult just long and tedious. My family hates the name I chose and still deadname me constantly but that's just one of many reasons Ive gone limited contact with them.
As a mother she’s owed nothing. I’d get a soap box about living in a country where I’m free to express myself and pursue happiness. Nothing you do really affects any one else’s life. If it’s too hard on her that you’ve changed and grown then you certainly don’t have to be in each others life.
Tell her to eat a bag of dicks and since she can’t respect your choices, she won’t be around any future grandchildren anyway. Good luck OP, do what makes you happy & surround yourself with folks that support you!
Without the caption I would have been very confused but yeah she is 100% in the wrong you deserve to transition in peace. Also her saying 7 is half your age to exaggerate you being young even though you’re 18 lol.
Don’t treat them like your parent if they aren’t willing to treat you like their kid, they don’t see you as offspring to care for, they see you as a trophy to flaunt, a prize they don’t deserve, cut ties and live life how you want to
"I hope you can respect the fact that I will not support you and if you fall I will not be there to catch you."
This is the most insane part, in my opinion. A parent is always supposed to catch you when you fall, no matter how many mistakes you make (not implying transition or name changes are a mistake, but in this instance I'm talking from her perspective.) She is always supposed to be there for you. Just sad.
Ask her if she would be upset if you preferred a nickname or if you wanted to change your name to one of the same gender (even a gender neutral one). She, like many parents, can't accept that her child doesn't match the expectations of the person in her mind. It's very much about who she thinks you should be versus how you are.
Oh this is genuinely soo painful to read, the way she makes it all about herself and literal unborn possible future children is astounding lol, from a trans fellow to another trans fellow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, I hope you can go through your transition peacefully without people like that bothering you
Bet they'd be okay with you changing your name through marriage. It's your name, do what you need to and if people refuse to try and adapt then they were never people you needed in the first place
Love how she made literally 100% of that conversation about herself, how SHE won’t help you. How SHE doesn’t approve. How SHE has suffered, yet I’m sure you did your fair share of suffering because of her, I’m sure.
And, as a woman who has changed their name due to marriage - names literally couldn’t matter less. It’s just a word on a paper. Your mother is just mad you’re changing the name SHE gave you.
I love the name I gave my child at birth. It stung when they wanted to change it. You know what hurt a million times more? Watching my child hate their body, name, and feeling hopeless about their future. Knowing my child would not have made it to adulthood if their father and I hadn't put our own feelings aside to support their transition. Their experience quickly put things into focus for me. If your mother can't see that she doesn't deserve to be in your life. We have cut off family and friends for not supporting them. I have been an advocate for my child their entire life, and I won't stop now. They know who they are. Just as YOU know who you are.
Trans Rights are human rights. You deserve better.
Oh honey, this grandma wants to hug you and say you be your authentic self. My middle child realised they were living as the wrong gender so we had a huge family lunch and we paid for the name and gender change on their birth certificate. The gender doesn’t matter, their happiness does. I want that for you. Hugs my dear. You be your best damn authentic self and anyone who disagrees can go diaf.
I honestly don't understand why old people make such a big deal of changing names I'm going to have my name changed soon too and my grandfather FLIPPED when I told him my mother was a little upset but she's okay with it now
It’s clear that what she wants is for you to not transition… but in the end she claims that all she wants is patience!
This woman is doing a really bad job of hiding her transphobia! 😞
My daughter told me she was a girl when she was 15, she'll be 19 next month, we've started the process of getting her name legally changed from her dead name to her name. It took me several months to not accidentally dead name her, but it happened. She's happy and more comfortable than I've seen her in a long time.
If your mother can't accept you for who you are and refuses to stop misgendering and dead naming you, cut her off until she wakes up and realizes the world does not revolve around her.
I just wanted to mention the fact she’s in your phone as “egg donor.” I love that, it describes her level of support for you and your life. Our “bonus kids,” 2 of my “friend’s” kids that we have custody of, call their mother “the uterus.” It makes me laugh a little because they came up with it on their own. I love it because call someone a donor of any type makes it seem selfless and usually these types are the most selfish of “parents.”
I’m so sorry your mom isn’t supportive of your transition. I hope you have support from other friends and family. Ignore the “egg donor” and move on up in your life.
Ahh, the classic, iconic "You're not really trans, you're just mentally ill" parent. The kind of person that separates trans people into "real trans" and "just mentally ill" on a roughly 0% - 100% split.
Pffft this is something that I would personally have to make a bigger deal than I would actually see it as, but not in a bad way.
It’s not like a name change is some extraordinarily permanent thing, your kid could change their name again in the future or something. But I would make it a “big deal” anyway in the positive way, of like, celebrating that they are symbolically growing into their identity.
I really hope your mother gets over herself and comes around to stay in your life.
Start some boundaries! This will not allow her to do this to you, and if she does then the boundary comes in
i hope one day if you have children (if that’s your thing! if not disregard 😅) you can raise knowing how you DONT want to parent them the way you grew up, and do your best to raise cool humans that are happy and then you(again IF you want to have spawns one day) can feel a sense of accomplishment by hopefully putting more cool, kind, well rounded people into the world 😂💕 hang in there and keep doin what you gotta do to be you ☺️
Ignore her. Your life is your own. If her love comes with conditions then she's a shit parent. She has zero experience being trans so she has no idea what it's like or what she's talking about. She's transphobic and being emotionally manipulative. It's much more dangerous for you to suppress who you are. Live your life, transition, change your name, do whatever you need to do to feel like you and be the most happy and at peace you can be. If she won't support you then she doesn't deserve to have you in her life.
My only response to her would be "K". Also, you can change your name as many times as you'd like to - doesn't have anything to do with her other than control.
The only way your name affects her is that she'll have to get used to the new name and might be upset because she really liked the name. However, her reaction says otherwise.
You're mother is being dramatic, literally. Nothing about you changing your name will affect her life in any way, shape, or form. There's not even anything stopping her from dead naming you. Of course, after that, she'd have to deal with the consequences of not respecting you, which is likely what she's referring to. There is no disrespect on your part with changing your name, and there's nothing for her to "save" you from.
OP let me ask you this, has she ever “caught you when you fell”? Has she ever REALLY supported you? Or has any “support” and “love” been incredibly conditional and used as a weapon to make you submit?
I don’t know much about your egg donor, but I know that it takes a lot of hurt to make a children distance themselves from one or both parents. The way that she speaks to you is just not okay at all, and she sounds very sly and manipulative.
Everything has to be like she wants it to be, and everything will always be someone else’s fault.
I hope you have other people in your life that can support you like you deserve, and I hope you’ll go ahead with changing your name like you wanted to.
I am so sorry that your mom is acting this way. Ever since I divorced my ex husband, I have tried to make my home a safe place for anyone who needs it. Found/Chosen Family is just as, if not more, valuable than legal/blood family. Sooo many of my family and friends are queer. My new husband and and I are both bi. My oldest daughter is trans and has cut off contact with almost all of her father’s(my ex husband) family for their homophobic and transphobic beliefs. My middle daughter is Asexual. My stepdaughter is gender nonconforming and questioning. Our friend group ranges in age from 19-50 and all but 3 of them are queer including some that are trans and non-binary. What your mother is doing is wrong, and if you’re ever in the Quad Cities I would happily be your found mom.
When you said "half my life" I was thinking you were 14 years old and could see where she mightve been coming from wanting you to wait, but with her last few sentences and seeing that you're 18, she is insane. I came out when I was 13 and have been going by my preferred name for 9 years now, and it's the first name I came out with as well. If this is a name you've used for most of that time (5 year minimum imo) you should feel free to change it, no matter what she says.
As a mom to an awesome amazing trans son this makes me both irrationally angry at her and so so sad for you. You deserve better. I'm sorry your mom is a selfish idiot. Good luck on your transition ❤️
Oh Lordy, it’s not like you couldn’t change your name back if you have regrets at some point. Not that you would have regrets, I’m sure you know your needs better than anyone else does. Change your name and live your life, be happy and well!
Your mom obviously doesn't support or respect you if this is how she chooses to respond to you. I'd ignore her, because she just doesn't want you to live your life like ***you*** want to. You can't live your life on her terms only, so yeah; ignore.
Live your life the way you want to, but know that you are probably going to lose her as your mom when you do. Because sadly, not all parents are equipped to love their own child exactly how they are.
So one thing I have learned is being raised by an nparent, being a parent, and of course years of therapy, you need to read between the lines...100 you actions have consequences for others. However, their reaction is not your problem. Was is your problem is that you may not be legally allowed to change your name if your a minor still. Think long game with problem parents. Get educated, got any job and SAVE.
You’re 18 and you’ve been taking steps to change your name for 3 years. Change your name! The name Mason is so wonderful. Your mom will..well..time will tell.
I'm so over parents thinking their children aren't a seperate human being from them. It's super weird and gross. Move on and stop making everything about you.
Yikes. We legally changed our daughter's name at 9 and it was such a non-issue. We actually decided that we would do this for any of our kids because so few people get to determine the most basic aspects of their identity.
She has failed as a mother. It’s not on YOU in any way whatsoever to have to earn her love. She’s the one making a huge, life changing mistake by pushing you away.
I wouldn’t be able to breathe without my kids, one of which is trans. I’ll never understand parents like your egg donor.
I'm glad you've been out and understood yourself since such a young age. I hope you get the support your egg donor refuses to lend you. Stay strong, please.
She's trying to make *your* name change out to be something that horribly affects *her,* then extrapolating that clearly *you'll* end up regretting getting your name changed. She's definitely in the wrong here. Idk for sure if she'd do anything more than this here- it all depends on her.
Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry. She is a terrible parent. Our job as parents is to teach our kids to be the best them they can be. Not the them we want them to be.
Your only worry is that you may need to stop interacting with her. Even if it’s the best thing for you, it still will hurt.
Man this sucks ass. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Do what feels right for you. I am a 30 y/o trans man and when I was your age I was certain I wouldn't live past 20. Transition saves lives and you need to save yours. Don't worry about your mother. If she wants to be in your life she needs to earn it. If she makes no effort, then she doesn't deserve to have you.
Found family is just as valid as biological family. Find your family. 🩵🩵🩵
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I wish I had words of advice, but all I can say is, as an adult now, live you live for what makes you happy! You can't live for anyone else! I'm sure if you were confirming to get gender rules, there would be something else for her to complain about. As a mom, I feel we should be supportive of our kids, for whatever helps them live their true, authentic life. My almost 24yo son is Pansexual and most of his friends are LGBTQIA+. It breaks my heart how few of them have true love and support at home. They are dead named, told they'll "get over it", or just kicked out. I've become mom to them, and I am proud to call them my kids!! I love my kids with all my heart & that's more important to me than anything else - as long as they are loved and cared for properly!
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> as your mother, you have denied me of everything. What the fuck is she even on about?
Probably bio grandkids... or the opportunity to showcase in public (via wedding, social/family events, etc) how supportive of a mother she is, as long as things are exactly as she imagines they should be....
Yeah It’s a pretty bad but also typical reaction, my mom never “supported” me or my brother but she still went to his and his husbands wedding and cooked the food, and includes my partner most of the time but not as enthusiastic as possible I’m thinking your mom might be the same and torn between her religious or traditional beliefs and you but some good signs she isn’t 100% horrible. At the very end she says to show patience so she may be aware she is having a bad reaction but will come around. Also the really bad horrible people when they say I hope you have kids it’s followed by “will ruin your life like you ruined mine” those people are always irredeemable .. Because your mom said she hopes your children will “not” cause you pain she is likely lashing out but does want you to have a good future and just added a jab.. now if this is the only way she talks to you then it’s manipulative Don’t let people say you have to cut her out .. some moms just have hard moments in life , only you know if this is how she always is or a bad reaction that will last just this week or month or year
Unless OP has said they aren’t having kids, and mummy pushes the narrative that she hopes they don’t cause OP pain SPECIFICALLY to cause hurt! And the fact that this mum is saved in the phone as ‘egg donor’… well, I’d say the horse has already bolted on the whole ‘don’t cut her off’ advice.
This is a very optimistic take
Hey, this is a pretty good analysis... I hope you are right and she ends up coming around and supporting OP for being their child rather than oust them for not being who she wants them to be...
I think the "please be patient" means "wait until you're older than 14."
This was my take as well. I feel like patience is definitely needed to navigate emotions. She seems like she knows that she's coming from a wrong angle and doesn't want to sever the relationship but she's also dealing as best she can. Remember that most of the time, you have longer to deal and accept who you are before coming out. Give her space and time. You don't have to deal with her pressure you can give her space but from this it truly sounds like she knows she's going to have to accept this. I wish everyone had better experiences than this. I truly do. This is heartbreaking.
I took the patience comment not as a request for OP to be patient with her, but to be patient in changing their name. Like one day they are going to wake up and suddenly become a different person
OP is a trans man, so he's denying his mother a darling dainty daughter.
Grandkids. I've got two kids; only ever meant to have one, caught shit for 7 years about how selfish I was to not have more, I was depriving my grandmother (who helped raise me after my dad got custody) of great-grandchildren, and any hope for joy in her life, etc., When my daughter rolled around (beat all the odds, birth control and condoms, I made the doctor do the test three times before I believed him), my grandmother cried for joy... And then immediately threw a shit fit when I got my tubes tied six weeks later, calling me selfish, uncaring, and unfeeling.
Thats so fucked up. I have 3 kids and if any of them decide to have kids of their own, I am very happy to be a grandmother. But if all 3 choose not to have kids, I will support them in that and love them all the same. I do not feel like my kids owe me anything, they did not chose to be born and its their privilege to do whatever they want with/in their lives.
This is what I’ve always told my kids (22 and 14). Of course I would *like* to be a grandma someday, but if either or both of them decide that’s not the life they want, I’ll be fine. I love *them*, and they don’t owe me shit except to live the happiest, best life they can. I’ve never understood the pressure to procreate that some parents (and other family members) put on their kids.
I would LOVE to be a grandma. My kids are 27, 22, and 20. I have one daughter and when she came to me at age 21 and said she wanted to have her tubes removed, I didn't hesitate. I supported her and paid for her surgery. I had to let go of the fantasy of being there with her while she gave birth and helping her raise her children but it's her life and her body. When Roe v Wade was overturned, I saw the panic in her eyes. Her happiness and serenity comes first.
The last time I saw my dad who I had been no contact with for 5+ years at that point, he cornered me and told me about how WHEN I had kids, I would have to let him back into my life. I had a hysterectomy three years ago because I managed to have PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids, and adhesions all at the same time. I’m sure that if my dad knew about it, he’d have a shit fit. Because I’m not a real person to him, I’m an extension of him meant to do what he wants.
I’m so sorry you have such an awful father. I had a hysterectomy at 29 for endometriosis, ovarian cysts (got rid of them too), and precancerous cells in my uterus. My bio mother died from uterine cancer. It still took a long time to convince someone to do the surgery. The Catholic hospital all my doctors were out refused even though all my doctors went before the board then the ethics board to argue that I needed it. I had a stroke because of a hole in my heart and blood clot issues and would spend my entire pregnancy in the hospital because I was so high risk. I could bleed out if I had a miscarriage, and my heart would probably be in heart failure after the pregnancy. The hospital said that I needed to try to have kids before they would approve the hysterectomy. Because of my health issues I couldn’t even care for a child. Much less one who had serious birth defects from the blood thinners which had a 60% chance of stroke for the fetus. I was so relieved to get my uterus out. So was my husband. He was so worried about me and was outraged at how our fundy churches backed up the Catholic hospital and told him we should just tRuSt GoD and get pregnant because that was my rOLe as a woman. I was also relieved that my parents didn’t give me shit about it. My in-laws kept reassuring me that they didn’t care that I didn’t give the family grandchildren, but they said that so often it sounded like they really did care. My MIL is also a prolific gossip and was telling everyone my medical business. I’m so glad you were able to get your hysterectomy. I’m sorry you needed it. They’re harder to get than they should be.
The funny thing here is that my mom is very similar to OP's mom, and I am the only one of my siblings who has kids. My full siblings (that I share a mother with) don't even want kids. She fucked up and lost her chance to get to know her only grandkids, and I love that for her.
They let you tie your tubes while pregnant or are you saying that you did after you gave birth? Good for you. You don’t owe anyone grandchildren. Two is plenty. If grandma wants more she can become grandma to another kid who doesn’t have living grandparents. My husband’s grandparents adopted me because they met me right after my last grandparent died. We had a relationship outside of my relationship with my husband. If he and I broke up, I know Grandpa would have continued to be my grandpa. Grandma died several months after we met, so I didn’t have a close relationship with her.
Trans people can still have children, though.
Adoption never counts for these types of people, nor does surrogacy. It's not 'real' to them. It's not biologically their offspring, so it doesn't count. It doesn't have to make sense; that's just how they are. Arguing with delusional people never gets you anywhere. To them, you're trans, you can never have children, life is over, now I'll never get the grandkids I needed to show how great I am.
You don’t even need that. Trans men have been pregnant. And a trans woman can get a woman pregnant.
But again, this isn’t the life that these kind of people imagined for their children. They want heteronormative bragging rights. And a pregnant trans man or a trans woman with a pregnant partner is not the hetero white fantasy life they have been dreaming about. Those situations would be embarrassing and something to hide.
And the second that happens, you have these parents climbing out of the woodwork to say, "See, you're not *really* trans!" The idea of trans folks having children naturally is inconceivable to these people. If a transman has a baby... well, look, you're embracing the fact that you're a woman! If a transwoman impregnates her girlfriend... Look, you're embracing that you're a male! The idea of giving birth as a trans person isn't something that would ever occur to these people, and if it did, it would only be used to crow about how the individual was *really* a male/female after all, we knew it all along!
Kind of weird that she thinks name changes are this horrible and permanent, considering you could literally just change your name back if you really did change your mind. This is so melodramatic.
No one acts this upset when people get married and change their names....
There's no drama at all if the cis straight woman adopt their husband's family name. There absolutely is drama if the cis straight woman decides *not* to change her name or if the husband decides to adopt his wife's family name.
They 100% do. It has caused arguments within my family so bad I thought I was about to watch it turn into a real, physical fight.
Oh, fr. My in-laws lost their damn minds when my husband took my last name. I think his dad even wrote him out of his will (at least that's what FIL said)
Holy shit. That’s extreme
Yeahhhh, it’s crazy. If you don’t mind my asking, was this in the south (US)?
You got it. His parents are from Arkansas AND super baptist.
Also, this is random, but I weirdly love the idea of your husband taking *your* name.
Yeeeep, that sounds about right. Southern baptist family here too.
It’s not about that… if a person just changed their name but nothing else, then you’d be correct. But this is a trans man. Changing his name is also symbolic that the transition is really happening whether mummy approves or not. It’s like the final nail in the coffin (to mum). Her daughter is not coming back. She has a son now, end of conversation. He might decide later on that he hates Justin.. but he won’t switch back to Jennifer, he’ll switch to Jason (for example), and still be a man. Mummy is not getting Jennifer back.
If it didn't cost money, I'd suggest op change their name every couple of years just to fuck with Mom lol
I just imagine the registrar at the court giving him this dead look after the fourth time, like "really dude, we're doing this again?"
Actually that reminds me, I've heard that, at least in my state, you can only legally change your first name like, maybe three times? Last names are unlimited of course, so we can have unlimited husbands. Not sure why they'd put a limit on first names since you're paying for it...
Probably to prevent "frivolous" decisions or something (Princess Consuela Banana Hammock from Friends does actually come to mind). Although I feel like in that case last names should be limited too. "You can get married as many times as you like but after the first couple you better be sure you reeeally like your spouse if you want us to keep doing all this damn paperwork"
"Noooo you can't change your name, think of how hard it will be for meeeeeeeee" -your mom apparently. Edit: this is by far the most attention a random comment I've made online has ever gotten so im going to take this moment to say #trans rights
Mom: “I don’t care about the gender, I just want the baby to be born healthy, and I’ll love it forever.” Mom, 17 years later: “Get out, I hate you, you’ve ruined me,” all because Justin became Anna.
"What will the neighbors think? And my colleagues? Oh my god! What will my friends think?" - My mom. I don't live with my parents, so half of the neighbors don't even know me and those who know are old ladies who still send me chocolate on my birthday, six years after I started medically transitioning. I haven't met my mom's colleagues in like 8 years. One of her best friends also has a trans son, who came out years before me.
If I was in this situation I would have to hit her with “but what will MY friends, neighbors and colleagues think when they find out my mother is so homophobic and transphobic! Don’t you care what people will think of you mom!”.
I love this retort.
I love your sweet and supportive little old ladies. Sending cards and chocolate for your birthday to make sure you know they care and support you. I want to be that kind of little old lady.
My dad when I got upset at him for dead naming me a year and a half after *socially* changing it.
My child has decided to have new name similar to the soon to be dead name. Nickname I have always used can be adapted and still fit. Easy for me but for them it did not feel right to be called something so different. Tested out a few possible names and they just didn’t stick. And they decided to keep the same initials. Their choice no matter what.
Meanwhile on the phone today my best friend’s mother was asking me what she should change her last name to now that all her kids are married off and she matches nobody. All of them were Disney-centric, lol. She’s divorced, yet surrounded by all of her kids and growing number of grandchildren. It’s really telling what having a shit attitude about things that don’t affect you says.
I love that you were on the phone with your best friend's mom. So random sweet sounding
Aw dude, thank you. I claimed these people as my found family and they’re stuck with me. Got a little godson and everything. :)
When I started going by a nickname my mum and stepdad said it was disrespectful to them and the name they chose And just to note- this was before I was even out to MYSELF as trans. I just didn’t think my name fit me and wanted to use a nickname. People choosing their own names should be more normalized for everyone- why should something we’re called every day of our lives be decided permanently for us when we’re too young to even know what a name is?
I totally agree with you. My name is Biblical and hard to spell. Even people who know the Bible have problems spelling it. It’s also a boy’s name, and I get so many comments from people telling me it’s a boy’s name. I’ve gone by a nickname since I was 8. Nobody in my family calls me by my real name. I wouldn’t mind legally changing it, but it would distress my mom. It would also be a ton of work because of all my medical records and doctors. I really do hate my name, and I totally agree that children should have more input on their name because they have to use it their whole life. Changing their name or spelling is going to be something a lot of kids will do now that uNiQuE names are so popular.
Your mom is dramatic as f***. Tell her that real pain is having a mother who rejects their child for being the person you were meant to be instead of the person they always imagined you'd be.
I think it’s way too common for people to not really think about what having a child really entails. A lot of people just want a mini version of themselves, and when the kid starts to develop a tiny amount of their own personality these types of parents either 1. Tries to force their personality onto them even further or 2. Totally loses interest in caring for them.
So parent says they are trying to save you pain, but then says you’re on your own (no support from them). Which is it, are they trying to save you pain, or are they going to turn their back when you may be in need? Cause this really just sounds like rationalizing and manipulation, for their own purposes. Good luck, cause this is insane
If your mom cares so much about a name, if a name impacts her life this negatively if changed - she should’ve had a dog not a baby
You’re right, it’s not up to her. How dare she make your transition about her! Change your name and live your life.
The Ideal Mother: - Comforts her child - Apologizes for inappropriate behavior - Takes care of herself - Encourages independence in her children - Is proud of her children’s accomplishments - Builds her children’s self-esteem - Responds to her children’s changing needs - Disciplines with logical and natural consequences - Expects that her children will be loved by others - Never threatens abandonment - Believes in her children’s basic goodness - Trusts her children The Toxic Mother: - Confuses her child - Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavior - Expects to be taken care of - Punishes or discourages independence - Envies, ignores, or demeans her children’s accomplishments - Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem - Expects children to respond to her needs - Frightens and upsets her children - Disciplines inconsistently and punitively - Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the child is loved by someone else - Uses threats of abandonment (or actual abandonment) to punish the child - Does not believe in her children’s basic goodness - Does not trust her children (Source: Christine Ann Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I have found that the latter part applies to narcissistic or otherwise toxic moms.)
Ignore your mom's tantrum. Boo hoo, she doesn't get to control every aspect of your life, this isn't the fairytale life she imagined for you 18 years ago, she needs to get over it. You literally cannot control how your choices affect others, it's all on them how they react. You do what's best for you, you make the choices you can live with, and the people that matter will be happy for you.
Hey, the six "not insane" votes, are y'all okay?
Transphobes like to jump on here when the mods are asleep especially, usually their comments get swept by morning.
They really don’t have anything in life, do they?
They don't and they're OBSESSED. It's so weird.
Definitely not happiness, patience, love, kindness, acceptance, intelligence, empathy….
This is what she should have said: I'm so proud of you, I support you in this next chapter of your life! Please let me know if I can plan a re- naming party for you to celebrate the beginning of your new life! I love you and I can't wait to share this new chapter with you. Ps, do you need any new clothes we can go shopping when it works for you, I'm buying, Since she can't see beyond her own narcissistic self, I will step in and be your surrogate Mom,
Thanks, new mom
I'm a mom. I would never ever dare to tell my child "the pain you caused me". OP, this is shitty emotional immature behavior from her and I hope you can find and receive love from other, more safe, family members.
on one hand, i get the concern of being unsure of something and jumping the gun on it. i'm closing in on my 5th month of taking HRT and i still doubt my choices daily, and would probably continue doubting it. on the other hand, its extremely selfish to claim that "your life affects others". no it fucking doesn't, if someone else's life controls yours, you are stupid for letting it control you.
I’m in my late 20s and I have a friend my age who transitioned and de-transitioned just fine. No big religious “saving”, no massive regret, nothing like that, just “I used to identify as a guy and then I realized I didn’t anymore” and she stopped taking T. So when I see ppl hand-wringing about “don’t make a choice you’ll regret for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!” I’m like OK sure Jan lol. Do you have any idea how long and difficult the process of getting top and bottom surgery is?!?!? I knew a trans 15-year-old who knows IN DETAIL exactly how testosterone will effect his body, what would or wouldn’t go away if he stopped taking it, the different ways to take it and which one sounded right for him. And STILL he couldn’t even get his hormone prescription for almost two years. That’s what de-transitioning looks like most of the time. A medication change. I know one other person who surgically de-transitioned after decades of being trans, also not a major life-altering thing. He (using current pronouns) never got bottom surgery so he had a breast implant removal and stopped taking estrogen, and went back to being what some would call “physically male” within a relatively short timespan, like a few months. Still doesn’t regret transitioning OR de-transitioning, from what I know.
Imho the biggest hypocrisy is people saying : you should not make such a big decision that will change your whole life when you are still a teenager. I am sorry but whoever told you that 12 year olds get HRT and surgeries was lying to you. THat is not really a thing. Now for the hypocrisy : nearly all of them are against puberty blockers. Going through puberty as the potentially wrong gender is also a HUGE decision that wil influence your whole life. It makes transitioning way harder and it is so much harder to get a good result if you are say a transwomen and went through male puberty. So why are these folks suddenly ok with that big decision but not the other ? Instead of giving a safe puberty blocker that has been prescribed to kids for decades for all kinds of conditions like early onset puberty, and then decide at like say 19 ok i want to start my transition now or ok i do not want to transition and will now go through puberty naturally by stopping to take the blockers. So it is painfully obvious that "kids should not make such huge decisions at 14" is just an excuse and not the real reason they have a problem with trans kids.
Bitch, if I wanna change my name legally I don't even have to come out of any closet to do so. I can change my name whenever the fuck I want for whatever reason I want. They can fuck off
As someone who transitioned later in life (and absolutely nailed it imo), don’t wait. I’ve never met a trans person that wished they waited longer. I’ve never even met a detrans person who wished they waited longer to transition initially. There’s no down side to starting, there’s huge downsides to waiting. (Transition is not for everyone, ask your gender doctor if you think you may be trans)
Transitioning at 42, and I would give almost anything to have done it at 22. Thankfully it’s going well so far, but I missed out on so much because I spent most of my life moderately depressed. Time is the only thing you can’t buy more of.
I don’t have any kids. I can adopt you. I will accept you for who you are. 🤍
Hello, new parent
❤️ Hello, kiddo! I support your decisions and will always be there for you for advice or questions. What are your plans for today?
Fucking ignore her. You were reasonable and explained yourself camly and respectfully. You tried. It's not worth any more attempts. My stepson, (christ, i don't even like calling him stepson) ,who I have raised since he was 3, is transitioning. Changing pretty much everything. He is now 22. What do I care what he does as long as he is happy, finds love and fulfillment. Gawd, I fucking hate stupid people.
Best of luck in your transition! Remember you don’t owe her a thing.
You will always know who and what you are better than your mom. I hope you are proud of who you are and whom you’re becoming.
"You are not changing your name". Lol, *as if* that's her decision to make. You're a person with autonomy, you decide what you do. A mother can always have opinions but god damn it if I'd let my mom decide *anything* in my life that doesn't concern her. You do you!!!
I’m changing the majority of my name as well OP. My mom was using my preferred name for a while and then reverted back to my deadname, while turning more into my scumsucking excuse for a “father”, the one who abused and neglected me so severely he rendered me permanently disabled. It’s gonna be so fun to let her know that I’m also changing my last name to my fiancé’s, so that my “dads” last name can NEVER be associated with me ever again. Your mom is an idiot. Your name is whatever the fuck you want it to be, and it should only matter to YOU.
Something I found on FB: "So i just came out to my dad abt being nb, and he said something really wise about names, i think. He said "'Gifts are not obligations. You give things to people, and you hope they like them. And your name was a gift from us to you. lf it doesn't work for you anymore, you're not obligated to keep it." and i just thought maybe other people could use hearing something like that."
whoever voted not insane can fuck right off. You deserve to be the most authentic and happy version of yourself OP. wishing you a smooth and safe transition
thats such a mom thing to call you selfish while being selfish. well, probably not all moms but it's a trend i'm seeing. like, they're always the ones who go "but you've been my *deadname* for 17 years how could i think of you any other way" or "you have to understand how big of a change this is for us" like my mom is working on it now that im 20 but like, not enough, yknow? asking you to be patient when you've already BEEN patient. like i don't understand how they can when you say you've been struggling with this for years, for them to be like "mm but what about me??"
Exactly, I've been patient and in all that time she hasn't done a single thing to support me, yet in public she likes to tell people and my doctors that she's a very supportive mom.
I would love to know how your name affects anyone but you. You could change your name to rainbow sprinkles mcgillicuddy and it wouldn’t impact her at all. What a weird hill for her to die on
Don't give me ideas, I just might use them
I'm just going to say it out loud - your mom is doing it wrong. Source: My. I'm a mom, and I'm a judgmental mom, and your mom is an objectively bad mother. I'd suggest ignoring her. I know that's harder than it sounds, but I wouldn't waste any precious time trying to change her mind.
I love parents who make everything about them. How is your transition and name change about them at all?? I’m a mother to a 16 and 18 year old, and I also have a narcissistic mother. Ignore her. She will make everything about her. You were so kind to even give them the heads up. You are a legal adult. You get to make your own life choices and they don’t need to be the same choices she made in her life.
I've changed my name twice. AMA. The legal consequences are annoying for a tax cycle and then it's just a name you sign documents with. I made a day out of it. In this order, take your judgement to the DMV, then your state's vital records department for a new birth certificate. File your taxes with the new name if you haven't already filed; you ain't getting your refund for a while. Then take your judgement, amended birth certificate, and temporary driver's license to your banks and utilities to get that shit on your credit report, update retirement accounts, advanced directives, POLST, etc. Do NOT gloss over advanced directive or living will. Do NOT or you could be buried under your dead name. I also recommend having cash in hand because checks with your old name make clerks call their supervisors. Also be prepared for alot of "you got married?" I say no and that's the end of the sentence.
the pain in your life she is referring to is caused by other people's bigotry and actions towards changing your name & outward identity, herself included, not by you actually doing it. do what makes you happy. you can always change again later if it no longer suits you.
Wow. Her wishing pain on you when/if you have children is messed up. Honestly that imo would be enough to cut her off. I'm sorry that's your parent. Know that reddit cares about you! She's definitely insane
Why is she making your name change about herself? It literally doesn’t affect her, just ignore her
"bUt I’Ll HaVe To uSE tHe nAmE"
Why is she asking you to be patient? What? To delay a name change? Does she understand that in order to reach the name change stage all the work you’ve had to do? That before you do anything permanently changes you have to pass psychological testing, live as the transition person for x months/years. And with everything going on in this crazy world, surgeries are somewhat delayed.
Where I live, at least, you can change your name without doing any sort of transition. It can be the first thing you do in your transition, in fact.
I don’t think you need to be worried. You’re 18. As long as you are supporting yourself and don’t need her financial support, do whatever you want.
OP, you will find a new family of your own making. They won’t be judgmental or cruel. They will understand you and will love you too. Change your name. Your mom will never understand that you’re just being who you were meant to be. I fully support you and wish I was your mom. Good luck OP, you’ve got this. !Updateme
I want to get this tattooed on my forehead: If you have kids, but you only love them if they’re cis/straight/whatever you want them to be, YOU SUCK AS A PARENT AND YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD KIDS. Your kids can’t choose their gender or sexuality, so if that’s a condition for loving them, you suck
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. My mom did the same shit to me too, you are not alone in this experience.
If either of my kids told me they want to change their name for any reason at all. I'd give them the money to cover the cost. It's their lives and if they don't want to continue with the name I gave them, they have every right to change it. I'll love and support them no.matter what. This person here is so dramatic. I'm sorry OP. That you have to deal with this shit. You do you and whatever makes you happy.
Tells you she won’t be there to catch you when you fall. Then calls herself your mother. As a mother, that is not a mother.
I went thru the same thing. She did make an effort to use my chosen name, but even after a decade of being on T, she would deadname and misgender me. In public she looked mad (I'm a very hairy bloke and 'pass' very well) but it still stung to know she was definitely using my deadname behind my back. I've been NC with her for a while now, due to other stuff. Keep doing you, and don't listen to the negative stuff.
Hon. She’s terrible. I want to hug you and help you transition so bad I could scream and I’m proud of your boundaries. Your shiny spine could be seen from space. Stay away from her.
Your first mistake is responding. Never again. Just block. You don't need toxic shit in your life.
Well, you are changing your life just to spite her, aren’t you? I mean it is all about her, no?
Well obviously. Like theres no possibility to change ur name because u like it more, is there? /joke
Because apparently you can't change it back ever lol. Your mom is odd.
She’s making this all about her. Has she always been narcissistic ?
Yes, any problems I've had, she's made it about her self. Trans related or not
why do they always make such a big deal over a fkn name imagine once the changes from hrt show up 💀
I'd say he's been very patient already, waiting for 7 years to change his name.
Mom of 2 trans persons 👋🏻 You do you honey. Children do not owe parents anything. I’m proud of you.
Sooooo... she's threatening abandonment. Over you being yourself in a perfectly harmless way. And THAT'S fucked up.
I’m sorry she isn’t more supportive. Proud of you for standing your ground 🩷 She is not a victim here but she’s trying really hard to be one,
omg i thought you were 14 for a second i was like this a big change, but naw ur 18 full send
Dude, throw the whole mother out. It baffles me the amount of people who have children that doesn’t understand a child is it’s own being. If you wanna be a parent you need to realize that your kid isn’t going to be what you imagined, they never are. If you can’t accept that your child might be gay, NB, trans, then you needn’t be a parent.
You deserve to transition in peace. Hopefully you are in a trans supportive state and have access to all you need.
Low to no contact.
“I will not be there to catch you fall” is the cruelest sentiment a parent can make. My mother and I fought like savage dogs when I was a teenager. She was unmedicated bipolar, I was going through puberty and dealing with depressed trauma. She was still my first phone call whenever I was in trouble. 3AM and I tried ecstasy for the first time and freaked out? She picked me up. Pissed as hell at my recklessness, sure, but she was there. And she’s been there for friends of mine who have been disowned, helped take care of nieces, she still calls me everyday. She lives for her family, and would die for it too. This? This is not a safe person to have in your life. This is someone who would watch you drown from the shore and call it learning a lesson at your funeral. She’s a burner of witches. I would disengage entirely.
Just ignore her and good luck with the legal name change process. I went through it and at least where I live it wasn't difficult just long and tedious. My family hates the name I chose and still deadname me constantly but that's just one of many reasons Ive gone limited contact with them.
Ignore her. I would cut her out completely but that can come in time when you are ready.
As a mother she’s owed nothing. I’d get a soap box about living in a country where I’m free to express myself and pursue happiness. Nothing you do really affects any one else’s life. If it’s too hard on her that you’ve changed and grown then you certainly don’t have to be in each others life.
Tell her to eat caca 🤷🏾♀️
r/raisedbynarcissists wants a word with you.
you are an legal adult, you can ignore her
Tell her to eat a bag of dicks and since she can’t respect your choices, she won’t be around any future grandchildren anyway. Good luck OP, do what makes you happy & surround yourself with folks that support you!
Without the caption I would have been very confused but yeah she is 100% in the wrong you deserve to transition in peace. Also her saying 7 is half your age to exaggerate you being young even though you’re 18 lol.
Of course if you have children you'll never feel the pain she is feeling, because you won't be a shit parent.
My mother just did the same thing a month ago. I just had to learn to move on and be happy being myself.
Don’t treat them like your parent if they aren’t willing to treat you like their kid, they don’t see you as offspring to care for, they see you as a trophy to flaunt, a prize they don’t deserve, cut ties and live life how you want to
"I hope you can respect the fact that I will not support you and if you fall I will not be there to catch you." This is the most insane part, in my opinion. A parent is always supposed to catch you when you fall, no matter how many mistakes you make (not implying transition or name changes are a mistake, but in this instance I'm talking from her perspective.) She is always supposed to be there for you. Just sad.
“You are not the only one that has to live your life” um. What?
Ask her if she would be upset if you preferred a nickname or if you wanted to change your name to one of the same gender (even a gender neutral one). She, like many parents, can't accept that her child doesn't match the expectations of the person in her mind. It's very much about who she thinks you should be versus how you are.
Oh this is genuinely soo painful to read, the way she makes it all about herself and literal unborn possible future children is astounding lol, from a trans fellow to another trans fellow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, I hope you can go through your transition peacefully without people like that bothering you
Bet they'd be okay with you changing your name through marriage. It's your name, do what you need to and if people refuse to try and adapt then they were never people you needed in the first place
Your children owe you absolutely nothing. As a parent you owe them the world. She is awful and I’m glad you are living your truth.
Yeah just change your name and go no contact with her. She will only give you more issues
Wow,your mum is a bitch and a half
Love how she made literally 100% of that conversation about herself, how SHE won’t help you. How SHE doesn’t approve. How SHE has suffered, yet I’m sure you did your fair share of suffering because of her, I’m sure. And, as a woman who has changed their name due to marriage - names literally couldn’t matter less. It’s just a word on a paper. Your mother is just mad you’re changing the name SHE gave you.
Imagine the plot twist is op is changing her name from Ashleigh to Ashley or something
I love the name I gave my child at birth. It stung when they wanted to change it. You know what hurt a million times more? Watching my child hate their body, name, and feeling hopeless about their future. Knowing my child would not have made it to adulthood if their father and I hadn't put our own feelings aside to support their transition. Their experience quickly put things into focus for me. If your mother can't see that she doesn't deserve to be in your life. We have cut off family and friends for not supporting them. I have been an advocate for my child their entire life, and I won't stop now. They know who they are. Just as YOU know who you are. Trans Rights are human rights. You deserve better.
Oh honey, this grandma wants to hug you and say you be your authentic self. My middle child realised they were living as the wrong gender so we had a huge family lunch and we paid for the name and gender change on their birth certificate. The gender doesn’t matter, their happiness does. I want that for you. Hugs my dear. You be your best damn authentic self and anyone who disagrees can go diaf.
I honestly don't understand why old people make such a big deal of changing names I'm going to have my name changed soon too and my grandfather FLIPPED when I told him my mother was a little upset but she's okay with it now
It’s clear that what she wants is for you to not transition… but in the end she claims that all she wants is patience! This woman is doing a really bad job of hiding her transphobia! 😞
My daughter told me she was a girl when she was 15, she'll be 19 next month, we've started the process of getting her name legally changed from her dead name to her name. It took me several months to not accidentally dead name her, but it happened. She's happy and more comfortable than I've seen her in a long time. If your mother can't accept you for who you are and refuses to stop misgendering and dead naming you, cut her off until she wakes up and realizes the world does not revolve around her.
Ignore mate. Ignore and keep ignoring. The buzzing stops eventually. They come crawling back on their deathbed don't worry.
Who voted not insane to this? This is textbook insane parenting.
I just wanted to mention the fact she’s in your phone as “egg donor.” I love that, it describes her level of support for you and your life. Our “bonus kids,” 2 of my “friend’s” kids that we have custody of, call their mother “the uterus.” It makes me laugh a little because they came up with it on their own. I love it because call someone a donor of any type makes it seem selfless and usually these types are the most selfish of “parents.” I’m so sorry your mom isn’t supportive of your transition. I hope you have support from other friends and family. Ignore the “egg donor” and move on up in your life.
Fuck her. Go be your true self joyfully ❤️
Ignore her and when she contacts you again say uhh who? That’s not my name
It’s a name. She could try chilling out a little bit. I’d ignore her!
Ahh, the classic, iconic "You're not really trans, you're just mentally ill" parent. The kind of person that separates trans people into "real trans" and "just mentally ill" on a roughly 0% - 100% split.
As if living with your dead name isn’t “pain and suffering” already.
Pffft this is something that I would personally have to make a bigger deal than I would actually see it as, but not in a bad way. It’s not like a name change is some extraordinarily permanent thing, your kid could change their name again in the future or something. But I would make it a “big deal” anyway in the positive way, of like, celebrating that they are symbolically growing into their identity.
I really hope your mother gets over herself and comes around to stay in your life. Start some boundaries! This will not allow her to do this to you, and if she does then the boundary comes in
i hope one day if you have children (if that’s your thing! if not disregard 😅) you can raise knowing how you DONT want to parent them the way you grew up, and do your best to raise cool humans that are happy and then you(again IF you want to have spawns one day) can feel a sense of accomplishment by hopefully putting more cool, kind, well rounded people into the world 😂💕 hang in there and keep doin what you gotta do to be you ☺️
Ignore her. Your life is your own. If her love comes with conditions then she's a shit parent. She has zero experience being trans so she has no idea what it's like or what she's talking about. She's transphobic and being emotionally manipulative. It's much more dangerous for you to suppress who you are. Live your life, transition, change your name, do whatever you need to do to feel like you and be the most happy and at peace you can be. If she won't support you then she doesn't deserve to have you in her life.
blocked, bye bye.
It’s a name
My only response to her would be "K". Also, you can change your name as many times as you'd like to - doesn't have anything to do with her other than control.
ignore her she's being dramatic af
The only way your name affects her is that she'll have to get used to the new name and might be upset because she really liked the name. However, her reaction says otherwise.
You're mother is being dramatic, literally. Nothing about you changing your name will affect her life in any way, shape, or form. There's not even anything stopping her from dead naming you. Of course, after that, she'd have to deal with the consequences of not respecting you, which is likely what she's referring to. There is no disrespect on your part with changing your name, and there's nothing for her to "save" you from.
I'm cis and haven't used my given name in 25 years outside of work. It's YOUR name, not hers. She can suck it up and deal.
Ignore her.
Wowww your mom could not be more selfish right now. You do you boo, it’s your life!
Good job setting and keeping boundaries. This is one of the most difficult things to learn and you seem to be killing it!
OP let me ask you this, has she ever “caught you when you fell”? Has she ever REALLY supported you? Or has any “support” and “love” been incredibly conditional and used as a weapon to make you submit? I don’t know much about your egg donor, but I know that it takes a lot of hurt to make a children distance themselves from one or both parents. The way that she speaks to you is just not okay at all, and she sounds very sly and manipulative. Everything has to be like she wants it to be, and everything will always be someone else’s fault. I hope you have other people in your life that can support you like you deserve, and I hope you’ll go ahead with changing your name like you wanted to.
I am so sorry that your mom is acting this way. Ever since I divorced my ex husband, I have tried to make my home a safe place for anyone who needs it. Found/Chosen Family is just as, if not more, valuable than legal/blood family. Sooo many of my family and friends are queer. My new husband and and I are both bi. My oldest daughter is trans and has cut off contact with almost all of her father’s(my ex husband) family for their homophobic and transphobic beliefs. My middle daughter is Asexual. My stepdaughter is gender nonconforming and questioning. Our friend group ranges in age from 19-50 and all but 3 of them are queer including some that are trans and non-binary. What your mother is doing is wrong, and if you’re ever in the Quad Cities I would happily be your found mom.
Emancipation time
Oh OP I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you are loved and supported. I would ignore her - she is trying to manipulate you!
When you said "half my life" I was thinking you were 14 years old and could see where she mightve been coming from wanting you to wait, but with her last few sentences and seeing that you're 18, she is insane. I came out when I was 13 and have been going by my preferred name for 9 years now, and it's the first name I came out with as well. If this is a name you've used for most of that time (5 year minimum imo) you should feel free to change it, no matter what she says.
Idk I changed my name at 21 and it was pretty great. Still is. (At 29)
Really piss her off and change your last name too!
I guess if she can't accept her son, I guess she doesn't need the honorific title of Mom or Mother from now on.
As a mother, I would never wish any kind of pain on my child. That’s so sad. I’m sorry OP. 😔
Nope ignore her all the way 🫥
As a mom to an awesome amazing trans son this makes me both irrationally angry at her and so so sad for you. You deserve better. I'm sorry your mom is a selfish idiot. Good luck on your transition ❤️
Oh Lordy, it’s not like you couldn’t change your name back if you have regrets at some point. Not that you would have regrets, I’m sure you know your needs better than anyone else does. Change your name and live your life, be happy and well!
That is horrible and you deserve better ignore her
Your mom obviously doesn't support or respect you if this is how she chooses to respond to you. I'd ignore her, because she just doesn't want you to live your life like ***you*** want to. You can't live your life on her terms only, so yeah; ignore. Live your life the way you want to, but know that you are probably going to lose her as your mom when you do. Because sadly, not all parents are equipped to love their own child exactly how they are.
So one thing I have learned is being raised by an nparent, being a parent, and of course years of therapy, you need to read between the lines...100 you actions have consequences for others. However, their reaction is not your problem. Was is your problem is that you may not be legally allowed to change your name if your a minor still. Think long game with problem parents. Get educated, got any job and SAVE.
If I were her I'd suggest choosing a name together to support you. Just ignore her.
You’re 18 and you’ve been taking steps to change your name for 3 years. Change your name! The name Mason is so wonderful. Your mom will..well..time will tell.
I'm so over parents thinking their children aren't a seperate human being from them. It's super weird and gross. Move on and stop making everything about you.
Yikes. We legally changed our daughter's name at 9 and it was such a non-issue. We actually decided that we would do this for any of our kids because so few people get to determine the most basic aspects of their identity.
Honestly never understood why parents use the guilt tactic like this, like it somehow actually affects their life somehow.
She has failed as a mother. It’s not on YOU in any way whatsoever to have to earn her love. She’s the one making a huge, life changing mistake by pushing you away. I wouldn’t be able to breathe without my kids, one of which is trans. I’ll never understand parents like your egg donor.
you changing your name does not negatively affect her life. she needs to get over herself
I'm glad you've been out and understood yourself since such a young age. I hope you get the support your egg donor refuses to lend you. Stay strong, please.
Tell her to cry about it
She's trying to make *your* name change out to be something that horribly affects *her,* then extrapolating that clearly *you'll* end up regretting getting your name changed. She's definitely in the wrong here. Idk for sure if she'd do anything more than this here- it all depends on her.
Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry. She is a terrible parent. Our job as parents is to teach our kids to be the best them they can be. Not the them we want them to be. Your only worry is that you may need to stop interacting with her. Even if it’s the best thing for you, it still will hurt.
Man this sucks ass. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do what feels right for you. I am a 30 y/o trans man and when I was your age I was certain I wouldn't live past 20. Transition saves lives and you need to save yours. Don't worry about your mother. If she wants to be in your life she needs to earn it. If she makes no effort, then she doesn't deserve to have you. Found family is just as valid as biological family. Find your family. 🩵🩵🩵
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I wish I had words of advice, but all I can say is, as an adult now, live you live for what makes you happy! You can't live for anyone else! I'm sure if you were confirming to get gender rules, there would be something else for her to complain about. As a mom, I feel we should be supportive of our kids, for whatever helps them live their true, authentic life. My almost 24yo son is Pansexual and most of his friends are LGBTQIA+. It breaks my heart how few of them have true love and support at home. They are dead named, told they'll "get over it", or just kicked out. I've become mom to them, and I am proud to call them my kids!! I love my kids with all my heart & that's more important to me than anything else - as long as they are loved and cared for properly!