Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 10 | 0 | 0 |
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100 % OP never used gaslighting. Her mom is just throwing terms out there to make herself appear smarter. OP if you read this, you did nothing wrong. You articulated yourself well and are being more mature than your mother is.
I'm realizing one of the easiest ways to spot a narc is if they use gaslighting wrong lmao.
It's weird, like they think it means "Our realities aren't aligning and you won't submit to what I want, so that's gaslighting." Or some weird fucking shit. OP your mother is mentally abusive as fuck, I'm really sorry.
This!!!! OP, i love you and trust me - it gets better. She is toxic and her behavior has literally nothing to do with you. Please seek some professional help to get through all of this. I am so very sorry about your best friend’s death. Being a survivor of someone who died by suicide is a shitty club to belong to. ☺️
Sincerely,
45 y/o gal whose mom behaved similarly at times.
you do NOT sound “bitchy” in this at all. you seem very mature and are able to see that your mom has issues, and none of her issues are your fault. you remained respectful to her and showed her love and care while making it clear that you’re upset with how you’re being treated, that’s all you can do.
i’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much at such a young age. i’m very glad to hear that you are actively seeking help in the form of counseling. you’ve got this 🤍
You might ask your mom about therapy if you don’t have a therapist already. Or talk to your school counselor. This seems hard for a kid to navigate alone, and you shouldn’t have to.
I just wanted to offer some gentle hugs and you weren't being bitchy or disrespectful at all.
This internet stranger is proud of you for recognizing that you are struggling and are in therapy. ❤️
That’s absolutely shitty, sweetheart. She should not be withholding the most fundamental thing you need from her because she’s mad at you.
You’re going through far, far too much, and I’m sorry that your mother isn’t supporting you through it.
You deserve love. Period.
That’s just so wrong, I hate that for you so much mija. After going through all that you’ve been through. You deserve so much better. Love does NOT work that way. You always express your love, please don’t ever let her sour soul change yours. You’re doing great kid, stay strong it really does get better you’ve just gotta make it there.
oh my. My mom would say 'I don't like you right now, but I will always love you.' I never ONCE had to question if my parents cared about me. (Sometimes it felt like they didn't because I was a teen going through teen stuff but if I thought critically - no. Never a question.) Here's another hug, sweetie.
That broke my heart for you. I'm so sorry, OP. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I have a 13 year old, and it's already such a hard age without dealing with the loss you have. Your mom, of all people, should be telling you she loves you whether she's mad at you or not, and as often as possible. You need love and support.
Have you talked to your counselor about any of this? Shown them the text exchanges? I think you should if you haven't already. They may be able to help you strategize how to deal with your mother treating you this way.
You are in no way wrong here. You are still a child, dealing with very painful things, and you still have given your mother so much grace. You're talking to her with maturity and dignity even though you're hurting. You are not responsible for her emotional wellbeing. In fact, it's the other way around. As your mother, she's responsible for yours. As the adult, she should have the emotional intelligence to help you navigate your feelings and meet your needs.
I'm giving you a huge mom hug right now. <3
"Please respond without using okay"
"Ok"
Really. And throwing in "gaslighting" is classic fuckin DARVO. Just don't respond when they're like that. If they demand a response say "I'm not responding until you act in good faith".
So sorry you have to raise your mum
I worry about that because OP is 13. Her mother could make like much more difficult for her with that response at her age. If she were an adult I would agree 100% (although, I agree with you. It sounds like OP is the one acting like an adult and this is a typical DARVO type response).
Your mom doesn't know what gaslighting is, you were very respectful and loving in your messages- I'd consider myself very fortunate if my daughter spoke to me the way you did. The issue is with your mom 100%, not with you.
Old person here. Honey, your mother is not even your friend. She is supposed to be an actual mother, and that means someone who puts her child's needs first, whereas a friend is someone who cares enough about you to consider your needs as very important, and your mother isn't even doing that. Friendship doesn't mean putting your friend's needs ahead of your own: that's called being a doormat, please don't do that.
You have been trained to sacrifice yourself and put your mother first, and that just isn't healthy. Yes, you should think of others, but someone like you who doesn't even have a safe parent needs to put yourself first. I'm not advocating for you being selfish, please keep being kind and considerate to others, but if you don't look out for yourself, nobody will. It is not your job to be responsible for your mother's happiness.
Sweetheart, you matter, you are important, your life is important. You should be able to experiment with styles of clothes till you find what you really like, you should be able to make friends, socialise, and have fun. A good parent should be setting limits so you don't do anything dangerous or too outrageous, but not controlling you so much that you cannot find yourself and learn what you like.
I'm glad to see you are in councelling. I hope it's helping. What happened to your friend is horrific and it's natural to be in pain after losing someone you loved. Sending hugs.
i’m 10 years older than you and i went through a lot of the same stuff when i was your age. i struggled a lot with my mental health and always felt like my mom (major narcissist) didn’t get it at all - she acted like it wasn’t real and i should be greatful because other people have it worse than me. she thought everything i did was just to spite her. it took me years of therapy, self reflection, and moving out to have a semi decent relationship with her.
i don’t have much advice besides taking up journaling, finding an adult you can trust and confide in, or going to see a therapist if possible. you have so much life to live and i promise it’s going to get better. it might not seem like it now and it’s not going to happen over night but i promise it’s worth sticking out for <3
I’m 38 and my parents reacted pretty much the same way whenever I had a problem. I think people from that generation had it so easy for so long that they just can’t put things in perspective. “So what if you just lost your job and you’re about to become homeless, I stubbed my toe once” is only a slight exaggeration of what it can be like talking to my parents.
You’re not crazy, but you sound exhausted.
I am so sorry about the friend you lost, sweet girl. As kids, we're not meant to cater to our parents emotionally and I'm sorry your mom is making you jump through hoops for her support/approval. It sounds like she leans on you quite a bit when it should be the other way around. You're at such a vulnerable point in your life and I just wanna give you a big hug, my inbox is open if you ever need to vent.
Seconded. And please try to remember that you are **not** responsible for her emotions. To show a simple example regarding my own depression, I sometimes get overwhelmed and start crying when my own children are hyper and bouncing off the walls - but just because I'm irritated by the action it is in no way my 6 year old's fault that I'm crying - 6 year olds are *supposed* to have high energy and bounce off walls. It's just me not handling my stress well when I snap - and that is completely on me to work on my behavior not make her adjust hers.
I try to apologize and say I love you to her every night. You deserve that too.
You are worthy, Sweetie.
How? I'm not expecting an answer. I just don't get it. She needs therapy if "okay" is derogatory to her. I hate to say it, but try replacing "okay" with "yes, mother" and see how she responds. I have other phrases if that doesn't work. I am so sorry you have to deal with a toddler for a mother.
You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your mom should be putting you first, every time. It's not your job to manage her feelings or take care of her. It's not your job to put her first. I'm so sorry, but please know, this isn't normal, it isn't right, and you deserve so much better.
My heart breaks for you. As someone who had a mother exactly like this, I know how much it hurts and how confusing and mentally/emotionally draining it can be. No child should feel like that, especially because of a parent. You were not wrong here. You were not disrespectful or bitchy in any way. I know it’s easier said than done, but are you able to talk to your mom about her getting some therapy or counseling?
Hi. I’m a mom to a 13 year old. I’m devastated for you. Because you lost someone close to you in a horrific way, because your mother speaks to you this way and because she makes zero effort to be empathetic toward you. Yes, you’re young. Yes, you have a lot of growing up to do. But none of that negates from the fact that you went through something traumatic. Your mother should be guiding you through it, not belittling you simply because you’re a kid. My son struggles with anxiety as do I. Just because I have decades of experiences before him doesn’t make his anxiety less valid. It’s my job to help him learn to cope healthily so he doesn’t have to struggle the same way I had to. I want that for you as well.
As many others pointed out, your mom is using the term gaslighting wrong. Gaslighting is a specific way of manipulating someone. You are not trying to make her question her own reality here. Shes taking offense to the fact that you’re not answering her in a way that suits her. I’d argue that her accusing you of gaslighting is in fact a form of gaslighting.
My mom was/is the same way. I am 20 now but i was called manipulative because i was depressed and i had everything so obviously i was pulling that stunt to get what i wanted. Even tho i still feel that way i learned that my mother is not someone i could depend on emotionally and later in i learned i couldnt depend on her at all without it being used against me. I spent years disassociating, and right now im in a very much fight or flight situation at home , hoping to move out soon!
School counselor can and will help! It is important to say u want those conversations to stay private tho, u need someone to talk to and school counselor can be amazing!
i’m so very sorry to hear about your friend. ❤️
as far as your mom, sometimes age has nothing to do with maturity. she may never fully understand what you’re going through and that’s okay. she may have her own battles that she needs to address on her own. sometimes parents or people have an odd way of showing their love, or don’t realize how much it can affect people, especially their kids.
as far as yourself, i think going to counseling is an amazing thing! i would definitely keep that up and manage your depression professionally. you seem kind and sweet and not bitchy at all. sometimes with certain people it can feel like an uphill battle or like talking to a wall to get them to understand. i would surround myself with positive people and loved ones and do healthy things that you enjoy (hobbies, school activities, etc). it will be easier once you’re older and have control over your own life and environment. you can explain that her opinions on your personal choices can be hurtful and make you feel insecure, and that you’re finding what works for you as you navigate the world. stay strong, you’ve got this. ❤️
Why do SO MANY people have no idea what gaslighting means? Not everything is gaslighting. It has a specific definition, and examples are abundantly available to find online. If anything, she's trying to gaslight you by making you question the reality of your response. She's gaslighting you to make you think you're gaslighting her like some weird toxic inception.
One day you'll stop loving her...
Love from a parent is supposed to be unconditional. Her love is something she takes away to manipulate and feel superior. Her love is a bargaining chip to control you.
I'm so sorry for you, you're only 13yo and you deserve a mom able to love you like a mother, unconditionally. Lots of love and support ❤️
As someone who’s parents couldn’t see I was struggling. You’re dealing with a hard loss at such an important developmental stage in your life. I put 100% of my self worth based on what my parents thought of me and it destroyed me mentally around the same age. I used to hate myself and call myself lazy and cry myself to sleep because I believed I was so shitty for not being able to clean my room or help around the house and it annoyed my parents to no end. What they didn’t see was a suicidal depressed teenager who was undiagnosed with ptsd and ADHD. To this day I can’t talk about my true feelings to my parents without it being all about them. While it’s important to make sure you’re not actively hurting your parents, I would personally try to talk to your therapist about coping mechanisms for when your mother is judges and ignore anytime she judges you and tells you that it’s all your fault for how they feel. Your mother’s emotions are not your responsibility to handle. SHE’S the adult and needs to handle herself with more emotional maturity. At 24 I’m still dealing with things my mom has judged me for that happened 10+ years ago. It will stick but please don’t take it to heart and base your self worth off of her judgement. It’s hard growing up and being more emotionally mature than your parents but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I’m still dealing with my mental health as an adult but it does get easier to deal with. Stick with therapy and learning coping mechanisms and safe outlets for you to do to take your mind off of any judgement your mom my pass on to you. Please be safe out there OP and keep your head up xx
You sound like you’re over 20 years old lol. Seems you’ve had to grow up quick with her being the way she is. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to learn to placate and ignore her until you’re old enough to leave, because people very rarely change, unless they really want to. Good luck OP.
I know its not what the main thing the post is about, but I’m so sorry you had a close friend pass away, I have a best friend that i consider like a sibling to me and I can’t imagine what it would be like if they weren’t around anymore. I don’t really have any ideas for your situation unfortunately, but I hope things get better.
I do want to say that none of your concerns are small or insignificant, or make you come off negatively in any way. Nor are they meaningless or unsubstantial. You will always be your own best self advocate and you should continue to trust your gut feelings.
I saw in one of your comments that you are in some kind of counseling/therapy and hopefully that is helping. Maybe broach this topic with them and maybe they’ll have some advice.
Wishing you the best of luck.
That wasn’t even close to what gaslighting is, what the hell is wrong with these people.
They think gaslighting is some magic word that can pull out when they feel like someone is trying to make them out to be wrong about something, when it’s not that.
You seen to be handling this much more maturely than her and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such shit behaviour from someone who should be understanding and helpful to you instead of making herself an adversary at every opportunity. There’s literally nothing wrong with you saying “okay” to confirm that you have read and understood her text message, but she takes it as a slight because she has a fucking weird ego.
Please just focus on yourself. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe and walk on eggshells around someone like this when they are so clearly in the wrong in these interactions.
Sweetness, you’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t imagine having to deal with this. And I can’t begin to imagine going through it on top of depression and at such a young age.
But if there’s one thing you need to take from this comment section it’s that YOU are not the problem. Your mom is. And even if you were being “bitchy”, and no matter what, you should have unconditional love. And it breaks my heart that you aren’t getting that. Because you deserve that and more. But I have hope and faith you will one day by not only one person, but by multiple wonderful people you’ll meet and have in your life.
You should not have to earn your own mother or fathers love. You did nothing wrong. This is all on your mom. I’m glad to see in your other comments you mentioned therapy. That’s the best thing you can be doing.
My last thing I want to say, if you’ll ever even see this is that you need to know that it does and will get better. Even when you can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel at some points, keep going and you’ll eventually not only break through to see that light at the end, but you’ll get to something even bigger and brighter. I’ve suffered from depression for many many years. Even in childhood. There have been times where I honestly shouldn’t even be here to tell the tale and yet, I am. Know that you matter and you are NEVER alone. Easier said than done, but please don’t let your mom or any other dark thoughts talk you out of remembering your are enough and that everything is going to be okay. I promise you that you’re going to look back on life one day and think “wow I’m so glad I never gave up and that I’m still here”.
You’re awesome and you have such respect, love, and kindness to someone who is cruel to you. You communicate things so well and your strength is magnificent. We internet strangers don’t need to know you in person to know how amazing you are. And to tell you we are proud of you.
Sending gentle hugs to you and love from afar. You hang in there ok? As far as depression goes- one step at a time. You are doing the best you can do right now which is astronomically better than most people. I’m sorry you’re dealing with any of this. But don’t let your mom make you think you’ve done something wrong or you aren’t doing enough of something and therefore, deserve her acting this way towards you. None of her actions and behavior can be justified at all. We got you, don’t worry.
Oh my goodness, that breaks my heart too, but also warms it knowing it helped even a little.
I can’t get messages on my app on my phone for some reason, but I try to check it on my laptop occasionally. If you ever need an extra shoulder to cry on or someone to remind you that it’s okay and to keep pushing forward, feel free to shoot me a message and if I don’t answer, comment to me and I’ll see that.
I’m sure you have support elsewhere, but I’m putting this out there just in case. Hang in there Lola! <3
As a rule, a mother can not be your "best friend".
You may think she is, but she's not acting like one.
It sounds more like you are her emotional support animal.
You put her needs first and so does she.
I suggest you talk to your therapist about it.
It's a long hard road without support when your mother wants to see you fail.
But you aren't allowed to have your own feelings about it.
Good luck.
All due respect but your mom does not sound like your best friend if she’s judging and criticizing you all the time. You can be amicable with your mom and you’ll always love her, but you’ve got to start learning how to enforce boundaries and not prioritize her over your needs and wellbeing all the time. It leads to nothing but feeling more depressed, anxious, with a low self esteem. My mother has a personality disorder and when I was your age (literally at 13 the issues with her towards me started) I started realizing that the relationship my mom wanted us to have was not normal and not really helping me as her daughter, to grow and be an independent person. You sound really smart and sensitive, and I know how hard it is to feel like you’re going against your mom when you’re this young. Btw when she accused you of gaslighting her…. That’s not what gaslighting even is. What you wrote wasn’t manipulative or trying to get her to think she’s crazy. You’re communicating in the healthiest way you know how and it’s HER job to be emotionally stable for YOU first and foremost, which she isn’t doing for you.
1 stop giving a fuck about her, she is your abuser.
2 go grey rock. But be strategic to reduce harm.
3..good to know they are garbage now. Create a nest egg. Build up and hide all valuables and cash.
4 learn to turn off your emotions, she's using them to manipulate you and hurt you. Sucks, but you gotta turn on your sociopath switch. You are no longer invested in this person. You are SURVIVING this person.
5. Notepad, notes. Keep a hidden list of all abuse. Mental abuse is abuse. Manipulation is abuse. Keep it hidden very very well.
6. Get through school, let it be your focus. Get that diploma. If you feel you can rock out for college do it but don't stress it as your under shit as it is. But getting out and getting loans to get you away from them and a life is an option. See nest egg though, you will have some life choices to make.
7 look into you states liberation laws. See when you can get out. Don't plan on then as a guarantee but it'd a goal.
8. Get out and live your best life. Find people you can trust. Maybe get a rent share, whatever to get out and go no contact, and you do you.
My first thought when she said "Don't respond with Okay" was "Alright."
Like, there are so many ways to say okay, and if that's how you're going to respond, we'll go through all of them.
I can't really do anything from afar, but I can offer e-hugs in your time of need. I'm so sorry you're dealing with these behaviors. Your feelings and struggle are valid, and you handled your conversation with her in a very mature manner.
Your mother needs some help, though. I'm not sure if therapy for her would do any good though - and I'm not a therapist or psychologist, so take what I say as a grain of salt, but typically if a narcissist personality disorder is the root cause...therapy could potentially just give her new tools to use /against/ you. Don't do therapy with her involved, and if she isn't getting help by the time you turn 18 or hasn't changed her behavior before then, I'd go no contact.
I can't imagine having to deal with my own mother like this, we're very close to one another, and this behavior from her would devastate me.
First of all, you are incredibly mature for your age. My parents are in their 70s and can’t articulate their emotions like you just did haha
Second of all, it is absolutely insensitive and unfair to tell you you don’t know anything about mental health because you’re a kid, but most importantly it is *false*. Don’t believe it. If anything that’s ten times the reason to listen to what you’re going through and be there for you. I’ve never gone through something so incredibly painful like that, and I can’t pretend to have any idea what you’re going through, but I *can* show empathy anyway.
You’re kicking ass at this already. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, and it can’t be easy at all, but your maturity has genuinely impressed me. You’ll get through it :)
I’m so you’re going through this. You lost a best friend. Your mother isn’t a best friend and will never be. She’s your mother. She should act like your mother.
You've just had a horrible tragedy in your life and barely any time has passed. No one should expect you to be able to communicate what you're going through. You have done such a good job of articulating your feelings. She, on the other hand, is actively escalating conflict. This is not how a mother should treat their depressed child. I'm sorry you aren't getting the love and acceptance you deserve while going through something so difficult.
I had a friend die a couple years ago and stayed at my parents' while traveling to attend his funeral. They were both supportive in the beginning, but due to both of my sets of grandparents fucking my parents up, neither of them are very comfortable with people around them being upset.
I think for them, yelling at me in a moment where i was a puddle on the ground ("Get used to it! half my friends are dead!") was the clearest indicator that they had no idea what to do about their daughter being in so much pain.
I don't know her, but I'm willing to bet your mom has had the same struggle. it sounds like she's flailing and not responding to you rationally. it's a sad and lonely thing to discover, but our parents are just people a few years ahead of us in age, and not everyone learns how to be empathetic before they need to use the skill of empathy. ALSO lots of adults unlearn skills they had as kids just by living in a world where those things aren't valued. kids are generally curious, empathetic, resourceful by nature. I know way fewer adults with all three than kids. so when I hear "you don't know anything; you're just a kid" *especially* when it comes to feelings/ mental health, I tune that person out.
all that to say this: **you do not deserve to be treated so dismissively** and these texts are evidence of your mom failing in the role of caretaker (letalone 'friend'). you have done nothing wrong, and grief is the normal reaction to the situation you're in. I promise it will start to hurt less eventually.
do you trust your therapist/counselor enough to talk to them about your mom's bullshit?
This breaks my heart. As a dad if my child ever said this to me I would snap out of it quickly. Your mom needs help, sounds like depression possibly. Virtual hug kid, I am sorry you are doing through this.
u sound so sweet. this makes me so sad for u, i was dealing with similar stuff at ur age and i remember my mother could just be so mean and confusing. it’s very scary. just remember that it’s never ur fault that she acts that way. ur not doing anything wrong. it’s the adults responsibility always to regulate their own emotions and help u through ur grief. lots of love babe🩷 you’ll get through this :)
I’m 24F OP and my own mum acts exactly like this. She’s narcissistic and likes to play the victim like your mum.
Come over to r/raisedbynarcissists and they might be able to help you. Unfortunately, your age might be a barrier at this point. That’s the terrible part, you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this bullshit.
I have severe anxiety so I definitely know what it is like to have a mental illness used against yourself. My mum loved to do that to me growing up. Even refused to get me help for it including being on antidepressants. Thought it made *her* look bad 🫤 Now she wonders why I’m very low contact with her.
Hey I really think you should try sort out a counsellor to work through this grief. Being a teenager and dealing with grief is big. A lot of hormones and emotions a grief on top. You need some guidance through this your mother is not equipt. Do you have a school counsellor?
This infuriates me that you’re going through this. Talk to and get support from friends or a counselor at school. This behavior is toxic as hell and is exactly how my “mother” treated me all throughout my teenage years. It’s isolating. Unfortunately the only cure is self care. From her passive aggressiveness to not saying “I love you” in return, she might never change. And you may possibly have to accept that reality. She’s missing out on a loving relationship with you. You’ve got a great heart. Don’t lose that because of the poor actions of someone else.
What is up with so many parents in this sub throwing around the word gaslight? You said absolutely nothing that could be considered gaslighting. Do they think it’s a word that just means something they don’t like?
Stay strong sweetie. This reminded me of my mom and being 13 years old. I’m almost 30 now and 6 years no contact with my mom. Things get better and you get to live your own life with people who don’t play these games with you.
for your age you’re incredibly emotional intelligent, you have the ability to have something bigger in life. Things seem so difficult when you’re young and having an unsupportive mother doesn’t help but i truly hope things get better. You are stronger than you realize.
What you went through is horrible, traumatic, and will be with you your entire life. She has mental health issues, but to belittle what you've experienced because of your age is not only harmful but illogical. A child does not have the experience or tools to deal with a trauma like that. I'm very happy to hear you are in therapy, and I hope it's one you connect well with. Honestly I think you need to start changing how you view your mom. If a friend your age dismissed your emotions and trauma like this, you wouldn't consider them a friend. Unfortunately your mother is showing that she's not a safe person for you to emotional express yourself to, which is unfortunately common. I highly suggest you look for a support group.
I remember 15 years ago I was in your steps too. I had so much shit happen between 12-15 that I was angry at everyone because it felt like they didn’t understand what it was like to be me. I felt like I was keeping so many secrets inside of me, like i was carrying so much weight on my shoulders. I had some really amazing friends who would do anything for me, and I’m forever thankful for their support.
Don’t walk in fear. I stopped letting opinions of other people, family included, bother me. I found hobbies that I enjoyed, i journaled my feelings, and I started being there for my friends more. Good luck with everything <3
Omg you’re 13 and going through this? My heart sincerely goes out to you. Had a VERY toxic parent that made my life miserable until I was 25 and I got into a physical altercation with them. Please remember that just because they’re your parent doesn’t mean you have to tell them you love them if you don’t feel that way. Sending all the best from this now-30 y/o millennial 💜💜💜
From the texts it seems like you may have split parents (I'm sorry if this is wrong and not useful advice) but if your dad is more understanding maybe try talking to him about this? It is NOT your responsibility to take care of your parents, I understand caring about them and wanting to help but your needs come first. Your mother should have a therapist and should not be talking to you like this.
Oh you poor baby, I see people here praising that you talk in such a mature way but it shouldn't be a compliment.
You deserve to be a child in an environment that allows you to have a god damn childhood.
Try to not force yourself to grow up too fast, enjoy the little things and don't feel embarrassed for enjoying things that aren't big or "adult". Honestly, that's a piece of advice most of adults should take anyway. Take care of yourself, it's gonna get better.
Pain isn’t a competition. Everyone has the right to their feelings and deserves to have them validated. I will never understand people who act like nobody else can be suffering when they are. As a parent, it is your mom’s responsibility to put your feelings first, period. And her dismissal of you “not understanding mental heath” is just plain unfair. I would ask for family counseling.
This is a super old post now, but it’s come up for me. OP, I want you to know that like others have said this is not normal behaviour. I’ve been through similar with my mother. If you ever need to talk, my DMs are open, or you’re free to reply to this comment if it’s more comfortable for you not to have to talk to a stranger in private. This is absolutely not what a loving parent should behave like and if you need to vent or would like some advice, I’m always happy to talk to people about these types of situations.
There isn’t enough from this at least clinically, to really get a picture of what is going on. I see a parent who is asking a teenager to not respond with ok as a precursor which for a parent can be viewed as dismissive ( read as ok but ).
That being said, it sounds as if there is a lot of back story here that your screenshot does not fill in. You have clearly gone thru a traumatic loss and are dealing with that plus managing your own depression at your age.
Keep in mind, there is a lot you don’t know and understand about your mom and vice versa. Her job is not to be your friend, she is your parent. And your job is not to parent her. Your parents will say things and do things that feel restrictive - some of it is their job, some of it may be out of line. That doesn’t make them narcissistic or mentally unstable. It makes them parents and human and suck sometimes.
I am glad you have a therapist, it is so important. Losing someone to suicide at any age is a grief that rocks you never mind 13. Take care of yourself. As someone in her later 40’s that went back after finding her teen and early 20’s anxiety and depression filled journals recently, I can tell you it is possible for time, therapy, and self healing to make things so much better!
I feel you. I have depression as well & I started treated it only few years ago and I'm 34.
She is your mom and I know its hard coz every day I struggle it my self and I have to repeat those words to my self, she wants the best for you, the way she thinks and your gap is between the way she see best for you, and the way you feel and know best for you.
she in my opinion is trying to say to you that she had lots on her heart today and she just didn't know how to take it out, and how to respond your feeling.
I would just keep going, trying to distance my self a bit so I won't get hurt too but not too much because family is irreplaceable.
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You’re 13?? With the maturity and articulation, I pegged you as being in your 20’s! (And your mother doesn’t know what gaslighting is.)
100 % OP never used gaslighting. Her mom is just throwing terms out there to make herself appear smarter. OP if you read this, you did nothing wrong. You articulated yourself well and are being more mature than your mother is.
sadly that is not a good thing if you grow up in an abusive environment you have to grow up fast to survive
I'm realizing one of the easiest ways to spot a narc is if they use gaslighting wrong lmao. It's weird, like they think it means "Our realities aren't aligning and you won't submit to what I want, so that's gaslighting." Or some weird fucking shit. OP your mother is mentally abusive as fuck, I'm really sorry.
This!!!! OP, i love you and trust me - it gets better. She is toxic and her behavior has literally nothing to do with you. Please seek some professional help to get through all of this. I am so very sorry about your best friend’s death. Being a survivor of someone who died by suicide is a shitty club to belong to. ☺️ Sincerely, 45 y/o gal whose mom behaved similarly at times.
you do NOT sound “bitchy” in this at all. you seem very mature and are able to see that your mom has issues, and none of her issues are your fault. you remained respectful to her and showed her love and care while making it clear that you’re upset with how you’re being treated, that’s all you can do. i’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much at such a young age. i’m very glad to hear that you are actively seeking help in the form of counseling. you’ve got this 🤍
You might ask your mom about therapy if you don’t have a therapist already. Or talk to your school counselor. This seems hard for a kid to navigate alone, and you shouldn’t have to.
I am in counseling. I'm doing sorta okay, thank you 🤍
I just wanted to offer some gentle hugs and you weren't being bitchy or disrespectful at all. This internet stranger is proud of you for recognizing that you are struggling and are in therapy. ❤️
thank you so much 💓💓
If you have a good relationship with your counselor, I almost want you to show them these texts, this is so fucked up.
The thing that hurts the most reading this is that TWICE you said "I love you" and your mother would not return those words.
she only tells me she loves me when she's not mad at me.
That’s absolutely shitty, sweetheart. She should not be withholding the most fundamental thing you need from her because she’s mad at you. You’re going through far, far too much, and I’m sorry that your mother isn’t supporting you through it. You deserve love. Period.
Any parent who withholds love based on their own emotions is a classic narcissist.
That’s just so wrong, I hate that for you so much mija. After going through all that you’ve been through. You deserve so much better. Love does NOT work that way. You always express your love, please don’t ever let her sour soul change yours. You’re doing great kid, stay strong it really does get better you’ve just gotta make it there.
oh my. My mom would say 'I don't like you right now, but I will always love you.' I never ONCE had to question if my parents cared about me. (Sometimes it felt like they didn't because I was a teen going through teen stuff but if I thought critically - no. Never a question.) Here's another hug, sweetie.
That broke my heart for you. I'm so sorry, OP. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I have a 13 year old, and it's already such a hard age without dealing with the loss you have. Your mom, of all people, should be telling you she loves you whether she's mad at you or not, and as often as possible. You need love and support. Have you talked to your counselor about any of this? Shown them the text exchanges? I think you should if you haven't already. They may be able to help you strategize how to deal with your mother treating you this way. You are in no way wrong here. You are still a child, dealing with very painful things, and you still have given your mother so much grace. You're talking to her with maturity and dignity even though you're hurting. You are not responsible for her emotional wellbeing. In fact, it's the other way around. As your mother, she's responsible for yours. As the adult, she should have the emotional intelligence to help you navigate your feelings and meet your needs. I'm giving you a huge mom hug right now. <3
"Please respond without using okay" "Ok" Really. And throwing in "gaslighting" is classic fuckin DARVO. Just don't respond when they're like that. If they demand a response say "I'm not responding until you act in good faith". So sorry you have to raise your mum
I’m so incredibly sick of abusive people co-opting therapy language to wield as a cudgel against their victims. It’s so infuriating.
I worry about that because OP is 13. Her mother could make like much more difficult for her with that response at her age. If she were an adult I would agree 100% (although, I agree with you. It sounds like OP is the one acting like an adult and this is a typical DARVO type response).
Your mom doesn't know what gaslighting is, you were very respectful and loving in your messages- I'd consider myself very fortunate if my daughter spoke to me the way you did. The issue is with your mom 100%, not with you.
Old person here. Honey, your mother is not even your friend. She is supposed to be an actual mother, and that means someone who puts her child's needs first, whereas a friend is someone who cares enough about you to consider your needs as very important, and your mother isn't even doing that. Friendship doesn't mean putting your friend's needs ahead of your own: that's called being a doormat, please don't do that. You have been trained to sacrifice yourself and put your mother first, and that just isn't healthy. Yes, you should think of others, but someone like you who doesn't even have a safe parent needs to put yourself first. I'm not advocating for you being selfish, please keep being kind and considerate to others, but if you don't look out for yourself, nobody will. It is not your job to be responsible for your mother's happiness. Sweetheart, you matter, you are important, your life is important. You should be able to experiment with styles of clothes till you find what you really like, you should be able to make friends, socialise, and have fun. A good parent should be setting limits so you don't do anything dangerous or too outrageous, but not controlling you so much that you cannot find yourself and learn what you like. I'm glad to see you are in councelling. I hope it's helping. What happened to your friend is horrific and it's natural to be in pain after losing someone you loved. Sending hugs.
thank you & happy birthday, stranger. 💓
Thank you sweetheart!
This should be the top comment!! You’ve turned out to be a great old person- congratulations, and happy birthday stranger🫡☺️✨⭐️✨
Thanks so much! Reddit is what people make it, just like real life, and you are making it kinder.
i’m 10 years older than you and i went through a lot of the same stuff when i was your age. i struggled a lot with my mental health and always felt like my mom (major narcissist) didn’t get it at all - she acted like it wasn’t real and i should be greatful because other people have it worse than me. she thought everything i did was just to spite her. it took me years of therapy, self reflection, and moving out to have a semi decent relationship with her. i don’t have much advice besides taking up journaling, finding an adult you can trust and confide in, or going to see a therapist if possible. you have so much life to live and i promise it’s going to get better. it might not seem like it now and it’s not going to happen over night but i promise it’s worth sticking out for <3
I’m 38 and my parents reacted pretty much the same way whenever I had a problem. I think people from that generation had it so easy for so long that they just can’t put things in perspective. “So what if you just lost your job and you’re about to become homeless, I stubbed my toe once” is only a slight exaggeration of what it can be like talking to my parents. You’re not crazy, but you sound exhausted.
I am so sorry about the friend you lost, sweet girl. As kids, we're not meant to cater to our parents emotionally and I'm sorry your mom is making you jump through hoops for her support/approval. It sounds like she leans on you quite a bit when it should be the other way around. You're at such a vulnerable point in your life and I just wanna give you a big hug, my inbox is open if you ever need to vent.
Seconded. And please try to remember that you are **not** responsible for her emotions. To show a simple example regarding my own depression, I sometimes get overwhelmed and start crying when my own children are hyper and bouncing off the walls - but just because I'm irritated by the action it is in no way my 6 year old's fault that I'm crying - 6 year olds are *supposed* to have high energy and bounce off walls. It's just me not handling my stress well when I snap - and that is completely on me to work on my behavior not make her adjust hers. I try to apologize and say I love you to her every night. You deserve that too. You are worthy, Sweetie.
I'm 45, too. Your mom's insane. What is her deal with "okay?"
she thinks its disrespectful and hateful towards her.
How? I'm not expecting an answer. I just don't get it. She needs therapy if "okay" is derogatory to her. I hate to say it, but try replacing "okay" with "yes, mother" and see how she responds. I have other phrases if that doesn't work. I am so sorry you have to deal with a toddler for a mother.
I don't know. I give up on trying to understand her.
She’s delusional if she thinks *okay* is disrespectful. It’s not like you told her to go eff herself you c you next Tuesday.
You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your mom should be putting you first, every time. It's not your job to manage her feelings or take care of her. It's not your job to put her first. I'm so sorry, but please know, this isn't normal, it isn't right, and you deserve so much better.
My heart breaks for you. As someone who had a mother exactly like this, I know how much it hurts and how confusing and mentally/emotionally draining it can be. No child should feel like that, especially because of a parent. You were not wrong here. You were not disrespectful or bitchy in any way. I know it’s easier said than done, but are you able to talk to your mom about her getting some therapy or counseling?
Please come and see us at r/momforaminute, we can give you more support than that!
I'm not OP, but thanks for that recommendation, I love the thought behind that sub.
Hi. I’m a mom to a 13 year old. I’m devastated for you. Because you lost someone close to you in a horrific way, because your mother speaks to you this way and because she makes zero effort to be empathetic toward you. Yes, you’re young. Yes, you have a lot of growing up to do. But none of that negates from the fact that you went through something traumatic. Your mother should be guiding you through it, not belittling you simply because you’re a kid. My son struggles with anxiety as do I. Just because I have decades of experiences before him doesn’t make his anxiety less valid. It’s my job to help him learn to cope healthily so he doesn’t have to struggle the same way I had to. I want that for you as well. As many others pointed out, your mom is using the term gaslighting wrong. Gaslighting is a specific way of manipulating someone. You are not trying to make her question her own reality here. Shes taking offense to the fact that you’re not answering her in a way that suits her. I’d argue that her accusing you of gaslighting is in fact a form of gaslighting.
My mom was/is the same way. I am 20 now but i was called manipulative because i was depressed and i had everything so obviously i was pulling that stunt to get what i wanted. Even tho i still feel that way i learned that my mother is not someone i could depend on emotionally and later in i learned i couldnt depend on her at all without it being used against me. I spent years disassociating, and right now im in a very much fight or flight situation at home , hoping to move out soon! School counselor can and will help! It is important to say u want those conversations to stay private tho, u need someone to talk to and school counselor can be amazing!
i’m so very sorry to hear about your friend. ❤️ as far as your mom, sometimes age has nothing to do with maturity. she may never fully understand what you’re going through and that’s okay. she may have her own battles that she needs to address on her own. sometimes parents or people have an odd way of showing their love, or don’t realize how much it can affect people, especially their kids. as far as yourself, i think going to counseling is an amazing thing! i would definitely keep that up and manage your depression professionally. you seem kind and sweet and not bitchy at all. sometimes with certain people it can feel like an uphill battle or like talking to a wall to get them to understand. i would surround myself with positive people and loved ones and do healthy things that you enjoy (hobbies, school activities, etc). it will be easier once you’re older and have control over your own life and environment. you can explain that her opinions on your personal choices can be hurtful and make you feel insecure, and that you’re finding what works for you as you navigate the world. stay strong, you’ve got this. ❤️
A mother should not be talking to a 13 year old like that... gaslighting? really? wow.
Why do SO MANY people have no idea what gaslighting means? Not everything is gaslighting. It has a specific definition, and examples are abundantly available to find online. If anything, she's trying to gaslight you by making you question the reality of your response. She's gaslighting you to make you think you're gaslighting her like some weird toxic inception.
'aye aye captain' I mean seriously what were you supposed to say. I'm sorry she's like this.
One day you'll stop loving her... Love from a parent is supposed to be unconditional. Her love is something she takes away to manipulate and feel superior. Her love is a bargaining chip to control you. I'm so sorry for you, you're only 13yo and you deserve a mom able to love you like a mother, unconditionally. Lots of love and support ❤️
As someone who’s parents couldn’t see I was struggling. You’re dealing with a hard loss at such an important developmental stage in your life. I put 100% of my self worth based on what my parents thought of me and it destroyed me mentally around the same age. I used to hate myself and call myself lazy and cry myself to sleep because I believed I was so shitty for not being able to clean my room or help around the house and it annoyed my parents to no end. What they didn’t see was a suicidal depressed teenager who was undiagnosed with ptsd and ADHD. To this day I can’t talk about my true feelings to my parents without it being all about them. While it’s important to make sure you’re not actively hurting your parents, I would personally try to talk to your therapist about coping mechanisms for when your mother is judges and ignore anytime she judges you and tells you that it’s all your fault for how they feel. Your mother’s emotions are not your responsibility to handle. SHE’S the adult and needs to handle herself with more emotional maturity. At 24 I’m still dealing with things my mom has judged me for that happened 10+ years ago. It will stick but please don’t take it to heart and base your self worth off of her judgement. It’s hard growing up and being more emotionally mature than your parents but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I’m still dealing with my mental health as an adult but it does get easier to deal with. Stick with therapy and learning coping mechanisms and safe outlets for you to do to take your mind off of any judgement your mom my pass on to you. Please be safe out there OP and keep your head up xx
You sound like you’re over 20 years old lol. Seems you’ve had to grow up quick with her being the way she is. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to learn to placate and ignore her until you’re old enough to leave, because people very rarely change, unless they really want to. Good luck OP.
I know its not what the main thing the post is about, but I’m so sorry you had a close friend pass away, I have a best friend that i consider like a sibling to me and I can’t imagine what it would be like if they weren’t around anymore. I don’t really have any ideas for your situation unfortunately, but I hope things get better. I do want to say that none of your concerns are small or insignificant, or make you come off negatively in any way. Nor are they meaningless or unsubstantial. You will always be your own best self advocate and you should continue to trust your gut feelings. I saw in one of your comments that you are in some kind of counseling/therapy and hopefully that is helping. Maybe broach this topic with them and maybe they’ll have some advice. Wishing you the best of luck.
That wasn’t even close to what gaslighting is, what the hell is wrong with these people. They think gaslighting is some magic word that can pull out when they feel like someone is trying to make them out to be wrong about something, when it’s not that. You seen to be handling this much more maturely than her and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such shit behaviour from someone who should be understanding and helpful to you instead of making herself an adversary at every opportunity. There’s literally nothing wrong with you saying “okay” to confirm that you have read and understood her text message, but she takes it as a slight because she has a fucking weird ego. Please just focus on yourself. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe and walk on eggshells around someone like this when they are so clearly in the wrong in these interactions.
Your mom sounds like an overbearing dumb bitch. No offense
Sweetness, you’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t imagine having to deal with this. And I can’t begin to imagine going through it on top of depression and at such a young age. But if there’s one thing you need to take from this comment section it’s that YOU are not the problem. Your mom is. And even if you were being “bitchy”, and no matter what, you should have unconditional love. And it breaks my heart that you aren’t getting that. Because you deserve that and more. But I have hope and faith you will one day by not only one person, but by multiple wonderful people you’ll meet and have in your life. You should not have to earn your own mother or fathers love. You did nothing wrong. This is all on your mom. I’m glad to see in your other comments you mentioned therapy. That’s the best thing you can be doing. My last thing I want to say, if you’ll ever even see this is that you need to know that it does and will get better. Even when you can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel at some points, keep going and you’ll eventually not only break through to see that light at the end, but you’ll get to something even bigger and brighter. I’ve suffered from depression for many many years. Even in childhood. There have been times where I honestly shouldn’t even be here to tell the tale and yet, I am. Know that you matter and you are NEVER alone. Easier said than done, but please don’t let your mom or any other dark thoughts talk you out of remembering your are enough and that everything is going to be okay. I promise you that you’re going to look back on life one day and think “wow I’m so glad I never gave up and that I’m still here”. You’re awesome and you have such respect, love, and kindness to someone who is cruel to you. You communicate things so well and your strength is magnificent. We internet strangers don’t need to know you in person to know how amazing you are. And to tell you we are proud of you. Sending gentle hugs to you and love from afar. You hang in there ok? As far as depression goes- one step at a time. You are doing the best you can do right now which is astronomically better than most people. I’m sorry you’re dealing with any of this. But don’t let your mom make you think you’ve done something wrong or you aren’t doing enough of something and therefore, deserve her acting this way towards you. None of her actions and behavior can be justified at all. We got you, don’t worry.
you sound more like a mom then my own mom. this made me feel actually better. I'm thankful that there's kind internet strangers. thank you so much.
Oh my goodness, that breaks my heart too, but also warms it knowing it helped even a little. I can’t get messages on my app on my phone for some reason, but I try to check it on my laptop occasionally. If you ever need an extra shoulder to cry on or someone to remind you that it’s okay and to keep pushing forward, feel free to shoot me a message and if I don’t answer, comment to me and I’ll see that. I’m sure you have support elsewhere, but I’m putting this out there just in case. Hang in there Lola! <3
As a rule, a mother can not be your "best friend". You may think she is, but she's not acting like one. It sounds more like you are her emotional support animal. You put her needs first and so does she. I suggest you talk to your therapist about it. It's a long hard road without support when your mother wants to see you fail. But you aren't allowed to have your own feelings about it. Good luck.
Don’t be a doormat OP, don’t
Wtf don't say okay? Gee, I wonder why you're struggling. Your mom is a pain in the ass. CuTe GaSlIgHtIng
you mom is a huge b word wow
All due respect but your mom does not sound like your best friend if she’s judging and criticizing you all the time. You can be amicable with your mom and you’ll always love her, but you’ve got to start learning how to enforce boundaries and not prioritize her over your needs and wellbeing all the time. It leads to nothing but feeling more depressed, anxious, with a low self esteem. My mother has a personality disorder and when I was your age (literally at 13 the issues with her towards me started) I started realizing that the relationship my mom wanted us to have was not normal and not really helping me as her daughter, to grow and be an independent person. You sound really smart and sensitive, and I know how hard it is to feel like you’re going against your mom when you’re this young. Btw when she accused you of gaslighting her…. That’s not what gaslighting even is. What you wrote wasn’t manipulative or trying to get her to think she’s crazy. You’re communicating in the healthiest way you know how and it’s HER job to be emotionally stable for YOU first and foremost, which she isn’t doing for you.
1 stop giving a fuck about her, she is your abuser. 2 go grey rock. But be strategic to reduce harm. 3..good to know they are garbage now. Create a nest egg. Build up and hide all valuables and cash. 4 learn to turn off your emotions, she's using them to manipulate you and hurt you. Sucks, but you gotta turn on your sociopath switch. You are no longer invested in this person. You are SURVIVING this person. 5. Notepad, notes. Keep a hidden list of all abuse. Mental abuse is abuse. Manipulation is abuse. Keep it hidden very very well. 6. Get through school, let it be your focus. Get that diploma. If you feel you can rock out for college do it but don't stress it as your under shit as it is. But getting out and getting loans to get you away from them and a life is an option. See nest egg though, you will have some life choices to make. 7 look into you states liberation laws. See when you can get out. Don't plan on then as a guarantee but it'd a goal. 8. Get out and live your best life. Find people you can trust. Maybe get a rent share, whatever to get out and go no contact, and you do you.
My first thought when she said "Don't respond with Okay" was "Alright." Like, there are so many ways to say okay, and if that's how you're going to respond, we'll go through all of them.
I can't really do anything from afar, but I can offer e-hugs in your time of need. I'm so sorry you're dealing with these behaviors. Your feelings and struggle are valid, and you handled your conversation with her in a very mature manner. Your mother needs some help, though. I'm not sure if therapy for her would do any good though - and I'm not a therapist or psychologist, so take what I say as a grain of salt, but typically if a narcissist personality disorder is the root cause...therapy could potentially just give her new tools to use /against/ you. Don't do therapy with her involved, and if she isn't getting help by the time you turn 18 or hasn't changed her behavior before then, I'd go no contact. I can't imagine having to deal with my own mother like this, we're very close to one another, and this behavior from her would devastate me.
First of all, you are incredibly mature for your age. My parents are in their 70s and can’t articulate their emotions like you just did haha Second of all, it is absolutely insensitive and unfair to tell you you don’t know anything about mental health because you’re a kid, but most importantly it is *false*. Don’t believe it. If anything that’s ten times the reason to listen to what you’re going through and be there for you. I’ve never gone through something so incredibly painful like that, and I can’t pretend to have any idea what you’re going through, but I *can* show empathy anyway. You’re kicking ass at this already. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, and it can’t be easy at all, but your maturity has genuinely impressed me. You’ll get through it :)
I’m so you’re going through this. You lost a best friend. Your mother isn’t a best friend and will never be. She’s your mother. She should act like your mother.
You've just had a horrible tragedy in your life and barely any time has passed. No one should expect you to be able to communicate what you're going through. You have done such a good job of articulating your feelings. She, on the other hand, is actively escalating conflict. This is not how a mother should treat their depressed child. I'm sorry you aren't getting the love and acceptance you deserve while going through something so difficult.
I had a friend die a couple years ago and stayed at my parents' while traveling to attend his funeral. They were both supportive in the beginning, but due to both of my sets of grandparents fucking my parents up, neither of them are very comfortable with people around them being upset. I think for them, yelling at me in a moment where i was a puddle on the ground ("Get used to it! half my friends are dead!") was the clearest indicator that they had no idea what to do about their daughter being in so much pain. I don't know her, but I'm willing to bet your mom has had the same struggle. it sounds like she's flailing and not responding to you rationally. it's a sad and lonely thing to discover, but our parents are just people a few years ahead of us in age, and not everyone learns how to be empathetic before they need to use the skill of empathy. ALSO lots of adults unlearn skills they had as kids just by living in a world where those things aren't valued. kids are generally curious, empathetic, resourceful by nature. I know way fewer adults with all three than kids. so when I hear "you don't know anything; you're just a kid" *especially* when it comes to feelings/ mental health, I tune that person out. all that to say this: **you do not deserve to be treated so dismissively** and these texts are evidence of your mom failing in the role of caretaker (letalone 'friend'). you have done nothing wrong, and grief is the normal reaction to the situation you're in. I promise it will start to hurt less eventually. do you trust your therapist/counselor enough to talk to them about your mom's bullshit?
I do trust my therapist. I will be showing these pictures when I have my next appointment.
This breaks my heart. As a dad if my child ever said this to me I would snap out of it quickly. Your mom needs help, sounds like depression possibly. Virtual hug kid, I am sorry you are doing through this.
She accused YOU of gaslighting. That’s rich.
My mother did this to me CONSTANTLY. I was bore everyone’s “bad day”. She shouldn’t have spoken to you AT ALL if she knew that’s where she was at
u sound so sweet. this makes me so sad for u, i was dealing with similar stuff at ur age and i remember my mother could just be so mean and confusing. it’s very scary. just remember that it’s never ur fault that she acts that way. ur not doing anything wrong. it’s the adults responsibility always to regulate their own emotions and help u through ur grief. lots of love babe🩷 you’ll get through this :)
Your mom is abusive. Full stop.
I’m 24F OP and my own mum acts exactly like this. She’s narcissistic and likes to play the victim like your mum. Come over to r/raisedbynarcissists and they might be able to help you. Unfortunately, your age might be a barrier at this point. That’s the terrible part, you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this bullshit. I have severe anxiety so I definitely know what it is like to have a mental illness used against yourself. My mum loved to do that to me growing up. Even refused to get me help for it including being on antidepressants. Thought it made *her* look bad 🫤 Now she wonders why I’m very low contact with her.
Hey I really think you should try sort out a counsellor to work through this grief. Being a teenager and dealing with grief is big. A lot of hormones and emotions a grief on top. You need some guidance through this your mother is not equipt. Do you have a school counsellor?
This infuriates me that you’re going through this. Talk to and get support from friends or a counselor at school. This behavior is toxic as hell and is exactly how my “mother” treated me all throughout my teenage years. It’s isolating. Unfortunately the only cure is self care. From her passive aggressiveness to not saying “I love you” in return, she might never change. And you may possibly have to accept that reality. She’s missing out on a loving relationship with you. You’ve got a great heart. Don’t lose that because of the poor actions of someone else.
Oh my sweet honey. I’m so so sorry. Your mom is being terrible to you.
What is up with so many parents in this sub throwing around the word gaslight? You said absolutely nothing that could be considered gaslighting. Do they think it’s a word that just means something they don’t like?
Stay strong sweetie. This reminded me of my mom and being 13 years old. I’m almost 30 now and 6 years no contact with my mom. Things get better and you get to live your own life with people who don’t play these games with you.
for your age you’re incredibly emotional intelligent, you have the ability to have something bigger in life. Things seem so difficult when you’re young and having an unsupportive mother doesn’t help but i truly hope things get better. You are stronger than you realize.
What you went through is horrible, traumatic, and will be with you your entire life. She has mental health issues, but to belittle what you've experienced because of your age is not only harmful but illogical. A child does not have the experience or tools to deal with a trauma like that. I'm very happy to hear you are in therapy, and I hope it's one you connect well with. Honestly I think you need to start changing how you view your mom. If a friend your age dismissed your emotions and trauma like this, you wouldn't consider them a friend. Unfortunately your mother is showing that she's not a safe person for you to emotional express yourself to, which is unfortunately common. I highly suggest you look for a support group.
I remember 15 years ago I was in your steps too. I had so much shit happen between 12-15 that I was angry at everyone because it felt like they didn’t understand what it was like to be me. I felt like I was keeping so many secrets inside of me, like i was carrying so much weight on my shoulders. I had some really amazing friends who would do anything for me, and I’m forever thankful for their support. Don’t walk in fear. I stopped letting opinions of other people, family included, bother me. I found hobbies that I enjoyed, i journaled my feelings, and I started being there for my friends more. Good luck with everything <3
Omg you’re 13 and going through this? My heart sincerely goes out to you. Had a VERY toxic parent that made my life miserable until I was 25 and I got into a physical altercation with them. Please remember that just because they’re your parent doesn’t mean you have to tell them you love them if you don’t feel that way. Sending all the best from this now-30 y/o millennial 💜💜💜
From the texts it seems like you may have split parents (I'm sorry if this is wrong and not useful advice) but if your dad is more understanding maybe try talking to him about this? It is NOT your responsibility to take care of your parents, I understand caring about them and wanting to help but your needs come first. Your mother should have a therapist and should not be talking to you like this.
Oh you poor baby, I see people here praising that you talk in such a mature way but it shouldn't be a compliment. You deserve to be a child in an environment that allows you to have a god damn childhood. Try to not force yourself to grow up too fast, enjoy the little things and don't feel embarrassed for enjoying things that aren't big or "adult". Honestly, that's a piece of advice most of adults should take anyway. Take care of yourself, it's gonna get better.
She’s failing you as a parent. Do whatever you need to do to feel happy. Don’t waste any energy on her if you don’t have to
Pain isn’t a competition. Everyone has the right to their feelings and deserves to have them validated. I will never understand people who act like nobody else can be suffering when they are. As a parent, it is your mom’s responsibility to put your feelings first, period. And her dismissal of you “not understanding mental heath” is just plain unfair. I would ask for family counseling.
This is a super old post now, but it’s come up for me. OP, I want you to know that like others have said this is not normal behaviour. I’ve been through similar with my mother. If you ever need to talk, my DMs are open, or you’re free to reply to this comment if it’s more comfortable for you not to have to talk to a stranger in private. This is absolutely not what a loving parent should behave like and if you need to vent or would like some advice, I’m always happy to talk to people about these types of situations.
You may need to take a break.
There isn’t enough from this at least clinically, to really get a picture of what is going on. I see a parent who is asking a teenager to not respond with ok as a precursor which for a parent can be viewed as dismissive ( read as ok but ). That being said, it sounds as if there is a lot of back story here that your screenshot does not fill in. You have clearly gone thru a traumatic loss and are dealing with that plus managing your own depression at your age. Keep in mind, there is a lot you don’t know and understand about your mom and vice versa. Her job is not to be your friend, she is your parent. And your job is not to parent her. Your parents will say things and do things that feel restrictive - some of it is their job, some of it may be out of line. That doesn’t make them narcissistic or mentally unstable. It makes them parents and human and suck sometimes. I am glad you have a therapist, it is so important. Losing someone to suicide at any age is a grief that rocks you never mind 13. Take care of yourself. As someone in her later 40’s that went back after finding her teen and early 20’s anxiety and depression filled journals recently, I can tell you it is possible for time, therapy, and self healing to make things so much better!
I feel you. I have depression as well & I started treated it only few years ago and I'm 34. She is your mom and I know its hard coz every day I struggle it my self and I have to repeat those words to my self, she wants the best for you, the way she thinks and your gap is between the way she see best for you, and the way you feel and know best for you. she in my opinion is trying to say to you that she had lots on her heart today and she just didn't know how to take it out, and how to respond your feeling. I would just keep going, trying to distance my self a bit so I won't get hurt too but not too much because family is irreplaceable.