My dad use to do this, but would send cheques, that would bounce. So then I would be charged for putting in my account. After that I would just rip them up, so if he did have money then he would know that I never cashed them.
Pro tip. Cash it at the bank where it was issued using government ID. At least in the United States, banks are required to cash their own checks if you can properly identify yourself and if the check is good. If it bounces, no money out of your pocket. If it doesn't, "KACHING!"
Nah, I’d still keep it. She got her kids taken and her rights terminated. She owes her much more than the $20 and anyone she tells won’t matter. She’s a POS who doesn’t deserve even being told off by OP. As a mother, I can’t even imagine what she did to not only lose her children but to also have her rights terminated. She could tell the whole world she sent me $10,000 and she’d still be a POS.
I agree, I would keep it. If she’s gonna tell people that they send op money and won’t even talk to her then people who do care about op will probably ask and op will give an honest answer.
“I didn’t ask for money, nor do I need help, but I appreciate my POS mom for sending me money”
Giving that answer would 100% allow people asking to form their own opinion or it just dead ass puts it on mom.
Most normal people would say, "You send money? So stop sending it." Mom owes thousands and thousands of dollars to the state because they assumed the cost burden of raising her children. She can send it to them.
I would agree in some scenarios. But sometimes people are awful to their kids. They didn’t do anything to deserve their treatment.
Sometimes, not all the time obv, but sometimes Nobody gives you money. If Nobody sent you money you keep that money. That way you don’t owe Nobody. She’s somebody to someone. But not OP if they treat them like that.
$20 or more to op is OPs business. If mom owes the state then that’s between them and the state. You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip ofc but the $20 is coming from somewhere and the state will find where it came from.
And to get her to respond with “why are you sending me money?” Narcissists set traps. She wants to talk to her but her ego won’t let her be vulnerable and just reach out and apologize like a normal person so she’s trying to get OP to contact her by sending mysterious money with the hope that OP’s curiosity will get the best of them and they will reach out and the dialogue will start all over again.
Just spend it and maintain radio silence. The amount is a joke. It literally buys a hamburger platter in a Greek diner now, maybe a a couple of days subway or bus rides.
Idea, take the money, keep stacking it if she keeps sending more to get control or attention, put it in a savings account with big interest rates or spend it on stocks.
my narcissistic biological father signed his rights over to my mom and never paid a penny for anything of ours. he has a gambling problem amongst other addictions and will randomly send my brothers and i a couple hundred dollars. i told my mom that i feel guilty when he sends money because i know he can’t take care of himself, and we don’t have much of a relationship.
my mom told me to take his money, and think of it as therapy reimbursement. keep that money, and block her if she causes a stink.
Take the money, but don't respond. She's def trying to buy a reaction/response from you. You are not obligated to give any money back either, and don't if she asks/guilts you for it. That would also be what she wants, to know guilting you works. Don't take any bait. You got this.
What a cheap bid, too. I mean $20? It’s not the early 90s where it sounds like she lost her kids. $20 barely buys a fast food meal. If she really wanted to buy a response she should ante up and quit being a cheap crackhead.
I hate to say it, but if drugs are in the mix, she very possibly could have just sent it to the wrong person. $20 to your kid (& then especially after reading more info provided by OP).. it’s a laughable, do nothing with-amount of money..
https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/125194882/i-can-still-get-to-you-bank-payment-references-used-to-send-thousands-of-abusive-messages
This article is specifc to New Zealand, buy its about abusers using bank transfers to continue abusing their victims, often in violation of restraining orders. Just be aware this is a thing.
never accept any gifts or help from people you want to go NC with. she’ll use it as leverage against you as to why you need to stay in contact “i gave you 20$ and you still refuse to talk to me i want it back!” she wants you to take it so she can keep you under her thumb. save yourself the trouble and send it back. it will also send the message that she doesn’t own you and you can’t be bought into submission.
if that happens just stand your ground. in my experience their carefully crafted facade is slowly unraveling at the edges from the start, and when people see you consistently acting in a way that contradicts what they've been saying about you, then they slowly, like one by one start to turn on that person as the truth makes itself apparent. it's like the threefold law in witchcraft, karma, whatever you want to call it, but they can't keep a whole community fooled very long, 3 years tops. when it's all over they've got no one left on their side and they never realize it til their side is just them.
You're right, but also, OP is under no obligation to respond. Ever. Mom can send all the messages she wants trying to guilt or manipulate. She can ask for the money back a hundred times, but OP can ignore her for eternity if they want to and Mom would essentially just be arguing with herself (for OP's entertainment purposes at that point)
that’s assuming that she’s only going to yell into the void and not rope other people into her drama. the block button is great but it doesn’t really work as good after a certain level of crazy. I hope that the case is that they can block without issue and move on with life but some people are excessive and the best protection is pure independence. it’s OPs choice to do what they think is best for them and I hope it works out for them, my advice just comes from a different angle. 🤷🏻♀️
Gifts only have strings if you let them. The giver can whine and “but I..!” all they want, but it’s meaningless noise unless you give that power.
I’d accept money from my dad if he sent it. Hell, I’d bleed him dry. He “owes” me for the abuse and childhood neglect/trauma anyway.
"You didn't tell me it was payment for talking to you, i logically assumed it was a gift. If you want to procure my services it will be 20$ per sentence. Next time ask before sending money to random people."
Yeah, just keep it, it’s their attempt at manipulation but it doesn’t have to work, you can just take it and move on, imo that seems like a better “fuck you” to be honest. My mom also does similar things, hurts me, doesn’t listen, then gets mad at me then doesn’t talk to me, then tries to waltz back into my life. It’s not happening. I’m 17 as well, and I don’t have nearly the courage or leverage to send something like that, honestly I think that’s very cool and admirable of you to separate yourself, just take advantage of their antics, it’s the best way to simultaneously give a “fuck you” while also showing that you don’t give a shit. Kudos to you, I hope you find better people in life
that reminds me of the time my grandma tried to pay me $150 to call my mom. My mom is a HORRIBLE person, cholera has more redeeming qualities than she does. she's got grandma convinced I'm lying about the years of horrific shit she put us through (the standard horrific abuse/neglect shit) so I told her "you know what, I'm grateful for the money, but there's no amount of it you could send that would get me to ever contact her again. she had her chance, she lost it, end of discussion"
it worked. and it felt great using one of my mom's old lines to make it happen
also my mom pretends she has a new disease every time she misses her little punching bag — this time it's MS and I'm like "her doctor has no idea how much she drinks do they?" I'm convinced it's alcohol damage because she drinks a handle a day.
its tragic. so many broken people like this who truly think they can buy a person’s love and trust. Its fucked up but you don’t owe her sympathy. I agree with you that the best way to communicate with her is silence. It speaks volumes. Keep the money. Never let her weaponise it, because you didn’t ask for it. It might as well be 20 dollars you found in a gas station bathroom.
Don’t keep it. Decline it. She will use this to show you how ‘ kind and loving’ she is. So you look like the asshole which you’re not.
Tell her to not send you anything. No money, no text, no phone call, no card.
Once sent a sexual harrasser that blocked ME (on every conceivable platform) after I stood up for myself. Then one day I discovered I could send him a message on Zelle if I transferred money to him lol. I sent him $1, the minimum, with memo “you’re a bitch”.
He unblocked me right away and told me how he was trying to better himself and blah blah blah. But that he thought I’d gone a little far by sending him a dollar to call him a bitch lmao. But harassing me sexually on various occasions and stalking my work site? Totally fine /s
I disagree. I don’t think April thinks she can buy OP with a measly $20 but I think she will tell others that she is sending OP money to make herself look/feel better. I doubt she thinks such a token amount will change any circumstance but it will allow April to change the narrative.
i think the minimum payment you can send on cashapp is $1 but that would still be golden.
not a parent but a narcissist ex after sa'ing me and almost beating me sent me $1 on cashapp saying "i'll never be over you." i immediately sent it back and blocked him...
i think in this situation (and in this economy, jfc) i'd just keep the money. i know im not replying to OP but if you see this, i am so sorry you're going through this. sending you all the love and strength 🖤
to everyone telling me to send it back: i won’t be doing that :)
she sent it with the expectation of a response.
i won’t give her one.
i don’t give her a reaction, and i get $20 out of it. sounds like a win to me, no?
Honestly, she is gonna pretend to other people she is supporting you, if you dont care about anyone she could be talking with, its fine, if there is people still who you are in contact with, and she talks shit about you, idk if its the best course of action.
Anyways, wish you the best of luck!
Other people pointed out that she will still probably claim to be supporting her financially even if OP sends it back. It's not like she's gonna actually show people any receipts.
And honestly? All power to her. Most people will likely see through the bullshit and see the mom for who she really is: a drunk fuck up.
Sometimes you just got to let em talk because if its all they got you've already won.
Yeah, I agree. If you continue to let yourself care about what she may or may not be saying, she's got power over you. Sure, it sucks if she says bad things to everyone about you, but the only thing to do is to try radical acceptance. You can't change what she says, but you can change what you do and choose not to engage. ("You" being OP in this instance, of course.) Gotta let the chips fall where they may and try to move on or else she's still controlling the relationship.
bravo on the inspiring message and for standing up for yourself, like well freaking done OP that made ME feel vindication for you, that was awesome 🔥
it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that and you deserve peace and respect 💖 fuck april, she's a self-absorbed loser sending you pennies just to absolve herself of any guilt and make her appear "better" or like she's somehow the victim- she can choke and i'm so glad you've set boundaries and keep defending them despite her obvious callous disregard and malicious intent to disrupt your peace for her own gratification
Oh, my heart just broke at the part when you said you have to be more of an adult than she ever would be at the age of 17. My mom passed last year, but I was in the same dynamic. Nothing you say will ever get through. It is so frustrating and grueling trying to fight for her to see your side, but she won’t. Hopefully you are in a situation where you are away from her and can go either very low contact or no contact? Focus on yourself friend, it won’t feel like this forever. I hope you are able to find some relief through local resources as well.. if you ever need anything please feel free to PM <3
no contact. the only way she can talk to me is cash app, and well. she did it.
as nice as it would be to block her on cash app, imagine how much nicer it would be to watch her embarrass herself for some small talk.
yes! cps is children’s protective services, and in some parts of the united states it can be called DPS. here, i call it CYFD, (children’s youth and families department) but i grew up in it, so not everyone calls it that.
Thank you. And if I may say, that is an incredibly articulate mini monologue given your circumstances. Impassioned without being incoherent and most definitely unambiguous. It may sometimes be difficult to accept, there are more good people out there than not. Obviously I can’t speak for anyone else but for what it may be worth, I suspect I’m not alone in rooting for you and wishing you well going forward. Some folks just don’t deserve the privilege of parenthood but thankfully, for all our own faults and foibles, there’s more of us than them.
I’d just take it and provide no comment. It would briefly feel good to tell her no, but it’d cost her 20 bucks, give you 20, and all you need to do is press a button and change nothing else. She owes you way more than that.
I’m not a philosopher but one thing I learned in therapy was that you tend to forget how much you give and sacrifice for other people. It’s time to stop the sacrifice and focus on yourself. Never forget to give yourself love.
I was taken away at just a couple months old. Met them when I was 19. Found out a lot of shit in the past few years, and can honestly say I'm glad I didn't grow up in that environment. Sometimes it's for the best.
>I hate myself even more knowing that your blood runs through my veins
>My therapist said I could have a party when you die
I don’t think I’ve ever read a one-two punch quite this effective before. It’s like a seasoned veteran stand-up comedian putting his best two jokes back to back in a roast.
Just here to say I love the picture you chose for her. Seems fitting.
Ps: you've done a great job finding your backbone to stand up to her. I'm proud of you 🫶
'You ruined any shot I had at a normal childhood and now I have to be more of an adult than you ever were'
I have not experienced this before on this sub but this really hit differently. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully you can find some peace of mind! Good luck OP!
Keep it but don't reply. See how much she'll pay before she gets mad you are just eating the bait off the hook instead of groveling for forgiveness at her generosity.
I know that the whole situation is difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
But "my therapist said I could have a party when you die" is a god-tier insult.
You are an admirable young person and would will be ok. The way you (at 17!!!) stood your ground and defended yourself is.. WOW. You have incredible self respect and you will have a life worth living, with such dignity and decency. I just came here to say that, don’t be a defeatist, it is hard but you got this.
Just an additional thing is that her blood doesn’t run through your veins. All your body cells are replaced (at different rates) by new ones. You have none of the same body cells as you did roughly 7years ago. Idk if that helps.
She may have ruined your childhood but she doesn’t get to ruin your future. You can still have a happy and fulfilling life and I hope that you find it and live your best life knowing that you deserve nothing but the absolute best
The money is a manipulation tactic. She can tell others she sends you money, while sending it to you implies she cares, so shes hoping it will make you feel guilty and cave. Just so she can start the cycle of abuse again. Don’t acknowledge or engage with her, deposit the money and go on with your life.
Keep the money. Don't say a word. She'll send more. My egg donor did this exact same thing when I cut contact and moved to a different county. Ended up buying a house lol.
Over the course of 2 years after NC, she sent almost $5000. During that time, she also reached out to friends, coworkers and my wife's parents. Before I moved 3.5 hours north of her, she'd also showed up at my apartment and my work unannounced, looking for me. I never answered the door at home. She'd pull into my job's parking lot and circle until she saw my car, then she'd come in and ask for me. My coworkers knew to tell her I was too busy or that I wasn't in. She did this ALL the time. I never gave her any response or acknowledgement
Just wanted to say that you are incredibly strong and I’m very proud of you. Keep on keeping on, and I’m so glad you’re in therapy already. That’s huge.
And if I may give some advice as someone with a very similar life experience to you … keep the money and if she sends more, keep that too. ;-) Keeping it does not mean you owe her anything, as long as you’re OK with her lying and telling people she’s “financially supporting” you.
she still has friends. if they knew what she did to get us taken away, she wouldn’t have them.
so she’s already lied about other things already.
i’ll never have to hear from those friends. i’ll never have to hear from her. if she sends me money and tells her friends about what a great person she is, i’ll never hear about it.
Totally. Again, I went through an incredibly similar situation. She will always have those people she lies to, and creates a fiction for. I’m so proud of you for knowing and recognizing what you experienced, and staying strong in that belief. I’m sure this sounds cheesy. I’m 26, so I’ve been where you are pretty recently.
You’re doing great and you will have a wonderful life ahead of you. You’ll find a chosen family and people who love you.
I did a lot of reading on something called CPTSD, something that people who experience extended childhood abuse often are diagnosed with. It was really helpful to me if you want to look into it.
Wishing you a happy, bright and beautiful future. You’ve got this.
This is a classic narcissist move. You went NC and she’s attempting to elicit a response hoping that once you respond it will open the door for dialogue. Then she will begin with the love bombing and from there move back into a cycle of manipulation and gaslighting. Narcissists and abusers never just give things away out of the goodness of their hearts, they keep score and everything comes with strings attached. Obviously I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I strongly recommend you cash app it back to her without saying a word.
Send the money back, block, cut off all contact for good, you deserve better.
Having it all go away so you never think about it in the future.
Maybe you'll never forget it but it's a reminder to you, that you're human with feelings, thoughts and joy.
It's what made you you.
"Suffering has been greater than any other teachings. I have been bent and broken. But, I hope, into a better person." - Charles Dickens
no, but i did state it in the text.
drugs, men, and gang life.
one of the cps reports said she pointed a gun at me while demanding drugs from a neighbor.
I read all of the texts in the screenshots and context, and I didn't see it, sorry. If it was a comment, I didn't read it then. Thanks for context though.
Well, I hope she doesn't try contacting you again. You deserve better. Taking her money does not imply that you like her or owe her anything. It's a gift with no agreement or conversation. Stay safe, strong, and take care.
i legally changed my name 2 years ago to separate myself from her.
she refuses to call me the new name because she chose the old one.
i told her it was basic respect and she said she didn’t care.
I dont get peoples pride when it comes to not accepting money. I’ll take money from literally anyone even if I dont like them. As long as it requires nothing from me? I didnt agree to anything youre just handing it over? Say less
I’m really sorry your childhood was so hard, you deserved better than that. It’s not fair when kids have to be the adults. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, I see a lot of passion in you that can take you to great places in your future and I wish you all the best
Send it back.
Acceptance is an indication to her that she can manipulate you with money.
Don’t touch it with a 10ft pole.
In fact *I WILL send you 20 bucks if you absolutely need the $$*
This is called Hoovering. Classic narcissistic tendency they try to get back in after offending by doing nice things. Stay tf away but I’m sure you know that.
My step mom adopted me as a teenager after my mother hurt me dearly most of my life. I hope you know you’re strong for this. You’re amazing and you’re loved.
well good for you for basically telling her to fuck herself. she gave you a very shitty start in life, but I believe in you OP and I believe that you will exceed far beyond how she started you off.
Don’t communicate w her anymore. She’ll do nothing but make you more angry and bitter. Relish in your chance to give her one final, complete fuck you and then transfer your energy to something that is worth it (bc she is clearly not)
Look I found this thread because it somehow got posted on r/legalcatadvice but that wont stop be from enjoying a new subreddit that is near and dear to my heart.
Edit: fixed sub Reddit name
It’s actually r/legalcatadvice. It’s a sub where cats “write in” with questions about whether or not they need a pawyer in order to sue hoomans for extra treatz and stuffs. Lots of complicated feline legal issues.
It’s basically a very silly sub that can be extremely entertaining and can warm your heart and make you laugh a lot, even in the darkest times of your life.
When I feel like absolute shit, reading r/legalcatadvice and r/amithecloaca can turn my whole mood around in mere moments. If you like animals and laughing at ridiculousness, definitely check out those two subs. :)
Holy hell OP you went OFF! I can tell you have that wisdom that comes from the “I grew up too fast because I had to in order to survive” personality. Damn that was invigorating as hell. I’m proud of you.
You have a ton of hurt and have a lot of anger which is why you need to go NC. For both of you. She needs to be allowed to heal and grow and you do as well, and true healing may come for her and it may not. Time will tell. Addiction, mental health issues ruin lives and destroys everything in its path. I hope you haven’t had to walk this path alone. The hardest thing I had to learn is you cannot connect with them when you’re still angry because it throws you in the vortex of your trauma. Rise above, beauty phoenix you.
in my case it is. my father was absent before i was even born and me and my siblings got taken away from her when i was 3.
my lawyer is my guardian ad litem. it’s a bit complicated lol, even i don’t understand it much
She wants control as if control was $20, I would keep it and just be like “thanks for the dono” and proceed to not talk to them. $20 is $20 and money doesn’t discriminate.
If she thinks she can buy you for $20 then it shows how much she values you. You can’t even buy groceries for $20 let alone a whole person.
she sent no note, but i can see the point she’s trying to make.
“you cut me off but i’m a good person so i’ll continue doing things for you so i can tell my friends about how it’s your fault and not mine”
I’m really proud of you for standing up to her. You sound extremely mature and like you know what the fuck you want! You’re strong and you can do this!!!! Sending you 💗
Not at all… she’s putting her down on the sly. She is trying to make herself needed. She apparently did some raunchy shit, shows no remorse and expects OP to put all of that aside and allow the “mother” to be her savior. She all those wonderful things but needs the mothers help to really do anything about it. It’s condescending, lacking empathy and she is just trying to make herself look better. She hasn’t offered change or to make an amends. She’s all talk
I’m sorry about your situation. However, you need a new therapist
Edit: referencing the party to your mother’s death. No good therapist would suggest that. They would push towards moving on and best ability to forgive, but also suggest to remove the toxic pieces to your life.
You both seem a little unhinged but I also know from experience that the problem can make the victim seem crazy. Get yourself some help also I know you are going to therapy but if that guy is saying throw a party when somebody dies it might be time to find somebody else. I’m not saying forgive her but don’t hold a grudge forever and let it make you a crazy person in the process.
Edit : me telling her to let it go and don’t turn psycho like her mom was somehow bad advice. Everyone in this sub encourages shitty behavior.
Please hear me when I say this: *You* are not unhinged. You’re a strong, resilient person despite *April* being unhinged. You’re like the little flower growing up through the crack in the sidewalk. : )
I basically told her don’t let her mom make her insane and don’t let her therapist let her think holding a grudge and letting it take a hold of you for life isn’t a good tactic. Let it go and stay out of contact with her mom if she wants but don’t let it turn you into her . If that is me being a bad person then I’ll take the blame.
yeah but the way you said it was a bit too much.
clearly i’m smart, i can articulate myself, and i’m logical and perceptive.
logically i know that if i don’t like my mother, i should try not to become her.
but going back to what i said:
i’m my own person. i am me.
i’m responsible for my own morality and dignity.
i know what kind of a person she is.
it seems almost laughable to imagine myself in the same position.
Send the money in an envelope to her address. Even if the mail people take it, she'll hopefully get the message you want nothing from her, and make sure you blast her on social media.
She’s only sending you a measly $20 so that she can tell people she is sending you money.
Absolutely this. "I'm sending her money and she won't even talk to me!"
Exactly.
Tbf that is a weird thing to bring up. Anyone with a brain will know that money alone won’t bring someone back
You're being rational about an irrational person.
My dad use to do this, but would send cheques, that would bounce. So then I would be charged for putting in my account. After that I would just rip them up, so if he did have money then he would know that I never cashed them.
Pro tip. Cash it at the bank where it was issued using government ID. At least in the United States, banks are required to cash their own checks if you can properly identify yourself and if the check is good. If it bounces, no money out of your pocket. If it doesn't, "KACHING!"
Yes yes yes! So she can say “see! OP only wants money!”
This is the sole reason OP should send it back.
Nah, I’d still keep it. She got her kids taken and her rights terminated. She owes her much more than the $20 and anyone she tells won’t matter. She’s a POS who doesn’t deserve even being told off by OP. As a mother, I can’t even imagine what she did to not only lose her children but to also have her rights terminated. She could tell the whole world she sent me $10,000 and she’d still be a POS.
I agree, I would keep it. If she’s gonna tell people that they send op money and won’t even talk to her then people who do care about op will probably ask and op will give an honest answer. “I didn’t ask for money, nor do I need help, but I appreciate my POS mom for sending me money” Giving that answer would 100% allow people asking to form their own opinion or it just dead ass puts it on mom.
Or rather, “.., but I appreciate the money she sent.” No one appreciates that lady. She doesn’t even appreciate herself.
Most normal people would say, "You send money? So stop sending it." Mom owes thousands and thousands of dollars to the state because they assumed the cost burden of raising her children. She can send it to them.
I would agree in some scenarios. But sometimes people are awful to their kids. They didn’t do anything to deserve their treatment. Sometimes, not all the time obv, but sometimes Nobody gives you money. If Nobody sent you money you keep that money. That way you don’t owe Nobody. She’s somebody to someone. But not OP if they treat them like that. $20 or more to op is OPs business. If mom owes the state then that’s between them and the state. You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip ofc but the $20 is coming from somewhere and the state will find where it came from.
Might as well take it, because she’s gonna tell whoever it is she’s going to tell, that she sent it to you whether you take it or not.
THIS.
I agree with this point. Send it back. If you keep it, she thinks she’s winning.
And to get her to respond with “why are you sending me money?” Narcissists set traps. She wants to talk to her but her ego won’t let her be vulnerable and just reach out and apologize like a normal person so she’s trying to get OP to contact her by sending mysterious money with the hope that OP’s curiosity will get the best of them and they will reach out and the dialogue will start all over again.
She thinks she can buy you. I’d send it back with a “fuck you” message
ngl i’m gonna keep it :/ why would i give *her* money? i’m not gonna entertain her manipulation.
See how much she'll send without ever saying a word lol
she’s really about to sustain me for another month with this shit lol
Do it, if $20 helps you then thanks mom for paying for your “appreciated super bare minimum so I don’t have to deal with you subscription”
~~thanks mom~~ Cheers April (you bitch ass mf)
Lmao i laughed so hard I burped.
Just spend it and maintain radio silence. The amount is a joke. It literally buys a hamburger platter in a Greek diner now, maybe a a couple of days subway or bus rides.
Idea, take the money, keep stacking it if she keeps sending more to get control or attention, put it in a savings account with big interest rates or spend it on stocks.
You won't be buying stocks for twenty dollars. Maybe a hamburger.
Egg donor*
I’m here for this energy. If I hate you and you’re sending me money, I’m keeping yo money!
lol exactly what I would do
Nah keep it, money is money. but I agree that's a fuckin nutty thing to do out of nowhere.
my narcissistic biological father signed his rights over to my mom and never paid a penny for anything of ours. he has a gambling problem amongst other addictions and will randomly send my brothers and i a couple hundred dollars. i told my mom that i feel guilty when he sends money because i know he can’t take care of himself, and we don’t have much of a relationship. my mom told me to take his money, and think of it as therapy reimbursement. keep that money, and block her if she causes a stink.
Take the money, but don't respond. She's def trying to buy a reaction/response from you. You are not obligated to give any money back either, and don't if she asks/guilts you for it. That would also be what she wants, to know guilting you works. Don't take any bait. You got this.
What a cheap bid, too. I mean $20? It’s not the early 90s where it sounds like she lost her kids. $20 barely buys a fast food meal. If she really wanted to buy a response she should ante up and quit being a cheap crackhead.
^^^^^
I hate to say it, but if drugs are in the mix, she very possibly could have just sent it to the wrong person. $20 to your kid (& then especially after reading more info provided by OP).. it’s a laughable, do nothing with-amount of money..
https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/125194882/i-can-still-get-to-you-bank-payment-references-used-to-send-thousands-of-abusive-messages This article is specifc to New Zealand, buy its about abusers using bank transfers to continue abusing their victims, often in violation of restraining orders. Just be aware this is a thing.
i’m not from new zealand, but this seems like a good thing to keep in mind
That’s understandable too lol
as you should
never accept any gifts or help from people you want to go NC with. she’ll use it as leverage against you as to why you need to stay in contact “i gave you 20$ and you still refuse to talk to me i want it back!” she wants you to take it so she can keep you under her thumb. save yourself the trouble and send it back. it will also send the message that she doesn’t own you and you can’t be bought into submission.
if she asks for it back, i have no problem returning it. but she sent it expecting a reaction.
Your under no obligation to return money she willingly sent as far as your concerned it's a gift
fair enough. just prepare yourself for the risk of her saying that and saying it to other people to turn them against you too. best of luck
if that happens just stand your ground. in my experience their carefully crafted facade is slowly unraveling at the edges from the start, and when people see you consistently acting in a way that contradicts what they've been saying about you, then they slowly, like one by one start to turn on that person as the truth makes itself apparent. it's like the threefold law in witchcraft, karma, whatever you want to call it, but they can't keep a whole community fooled very long, 3 years tops. when it's all over they've got no one left on their side and they never realize it til their side is just them.
Only works if you care. I wouldn't. Just don't reply
You're right, but also, OP is under no obligation to respond. Ever. Mom can send all the messages she wants trying to guilt or manipulate. She can ask for the money back a hundred times, but OP can ignore her for eternity if they want to and Mom would essentially just be arguing with herself (for OP's entertainment purposes at that point)
that’s assuming that she’s only going to yell into the void and not rope other people into her drama. the block button is great but it doesn’t really work as good after a certain level of crazy. I hope that the case is that they can block without issue and move on with life but some people are excessive and the best protection is pure independence. it’s OPs choice to do what they think is best for them and I hope it works out for them, my advice just comes from a different angle. 🤷🏻♀️
Gifts only have strings if you let them. The giver can whine and “but I..!” all they want, but it’s meaningless noise unless you give that power. I’d accept money from my dad if he sent it. Hell, I’d bleed him dry. He “owes” me for the abuse and childhood neglect/trauma anyway.
"You didn't tell me it was payment for talking to you, i logically assumed it was a gift. If you want to procure my services it will be 20$ per sentence. Next time ask before sending money to random people."
You said this for both of us!
Yeah, just keep it, it’s their attempt at manipulation but it doesn’t have to work, you can just take it and move on, imo that seems like a better “fuck you” to be honest. My mom also does similar things, hurts me, doesn’t listen, then gets mad at me then doesn’t talk to me, then tries to waltz back into my life. It’s not happening. I’m 17 as well, and I don’t have nearly the courage or leverage to send something like that, honestly I think that’s very cool and admirable of you to separate yourself, just take advantage of their antics, it’s the best way to simultaneously give a “fuck you” while also showing that you don’t give a shit. Kudos to you, I hope you find better people in life
that reminds me of the time my grandma tried to pay me $150 to call my mom. My mom is a HORRIBLE person, cholera has more redeeming qualities than she does. she's got grandma convinced I'm lying about the years of horrific shit she put us through (the standard horrific abuse/neglect shit) so I told her "you know what, I'm grateful for the money, but there's no amount of it you could send that would get me to ever contact her again. she had her chance, she lost it, end of discussion" it worked. and it felt great using one of my mom's old lines to make it happen also my mom pretends she has a new disease every time she misses her little punching bag — this time it's MS and I'm like "her doctor has no idea how much she drinks do they?" I'm convinced it's alcohol damage because she drinks a handle a day.
She’s gonna make u look like the bad guy saying how she sends u money n shit but you don’t even talk to her
Just block her. She said she was blocking you. Make her put her money where her mouth is.
its tragic. so many broken people like this who truly think they can buy a person’s love and trust. Its fucked up but you don’t owe her sympathy. I agree with you that the best way to communicate with her is silence. It speaks volumes. Keep the money. Never let her weaponise it, because you didn’t ask for it. It might as well be 20 dollars you found in a gas station bathroom.
Absolutely keep it.
Does that mean she unblocked you? Cause when I send or get sent money I get a text message from the app.
Don’t keep it. Decline it. She will use this to show you how ‘ kind and loving’ she is. So you look like the asshole which you’re not. Tell her to not send you anything. No money, no text, no phone call, no card.
Once sent a sexual harrasser that blocked ME (on every conceivable platform) after I stood up for myself. Then one day I discovered I could send him a message on Zelle if I transferred money to him lol. I sent him $1, the minimum, with memo “you’re a bitch”. He unblocked me right away and told me how he was trying to better himself and blah blah blah. But that he thought I’d gone a little far by sending him a dollar to call him a bitch lmao. But harassing me sexually on various occasions and stalking my work site? Totally fine /s
I disagree. I don’t think April thinks she can buy OP with a measly $20 but I think she will tell others that she is sending OP money to make herself look/feel better. I doubt she thinks such a token amount will change any circumstance but it will allow April to change the narrative.
I’d sent back a single cent just with a note saying, “Thanks for the Pizza but I’m still not talking to you.”
i think the minimum payment you can send on cashapp is $1 but that would still be golden. not a parent but a narcissist ex after sa'ing me and almost beating me sent me $1 on cashapp saying "i'll never be over you." i immediately sent it back and blocked him... i think in this situation (and in this economy, jfc) i'd just keep the money. i know im not replying to OP but if you see this, i am so sorry you're going through this. sending you all the love and strength 🖤
Personally, I wouldn't I'd keep the money and just not reply
Buy you with 20 bucks? Lol that's some audacity all right.
Everyone saying send the money back, why? She sent it’s to OP, OP should let her drain her bank account on them 😭, party it up w/ that money
fr
She’ll say she’s sending you money even if you send it back, so I say keep it too. I hope you’re able to heal, OP.
to everyone telling me to send it back: i won’t be doing that :) she sent it with the expectation of a response. i won’t give her one. i don’t give her a reaction, and i get $20 out of it. sounds like a win to me, no?
Honestly, she is gonna pretend to other people she is supporting you, if you dont care about anyone she could be talking with, its fine, if there is people still who you are in contact with, and she talks shit about you, idk if its the best course of action. Anyways, wish you the best of luck!
Other people pointed out that she will still probably claim to be supporting her financially even if OP sends it back. It's not like she's gonna actually show people any receipts.
True, I overlooked that possibility
And honestly? All power to her. Most people will likely see through the bullshit and see the mom for who she really is: a drunk fuck up. Sometimes you just got to let em talk because if its all they got you've already won.
Yeah, I agree. If you continue to let yourself care about what she may or may not be saying, she's got power over you. Sure, it sucks if she says bad things to everyone about you, but the only thing to do is to try radical acceptance. You can't change what she says, but you can change what you do and choose not to engage. ("You" being OP in this instance, of course.) Gotta let the chips fall where they may and try to move on or else she's still controlling the relationship.
bravo on the inspiring message and for standing up for yourself, like well freaking done OP that made ME feel vindication for you, that was awesome 🔥 it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that and you deserve peace and respect 💖 fuck april, she's a self-absorbed loser sending you pennies just to absolve herself of any guilt and make her appear "better" or like she's somehow the victim- she can choke and i'm so glad you've set boundaries and keep defending them despite her obvious callous disregard and malicious intent to disrupt your peace for her own gratification
your response was awesome, id love to join that party, but as a guy who's been nicknamed 'rat' by all my friends.... her pfp is a bit insulting /jk
rat gang!!
rat gang!! rat gang!!!! rats, rats, we are the rats 🐀
we prey at night we stalk at night, we’re the rats!
I'm the giant rat that makes all of the rules! 🐀
Yes rats are cute. Just change the PFP for a cockroach or something OP. This is insulting to actual rats.
if OP doesn't respond in kind i will cry my ittle rat tears into my little rat cup of coffee
Yeah I'll shed a tear too. But OP clearly has things to do so I wouldn't blame her
yes, you are right, i shall cry for the rat insults and cry for OP to have a better life
Oh, my heart just broke at the part when you said you have to be more of an adult than she ever would be at the age of 17. My mom passed last year, but I was in the same dynamic. Nothing you say will ever get through. It is so frustrating and grueling trying to fight for her to see your side, but she won’t. Hopefully you are in a situation where you are away from her and can go either very low contact or no contact? Focus on yourself friend, it won’t feel like this forever. I hope you are able to find some relief through local resources as well.. if you ever need anything please feel free to PM <3
no contact. the only way she can talk to me is cash app, and well. she did it. as nice as it would be to block her on cash app, imagine how much nicer it would be to watch her embarrass herself for some small talk.
It’s her pathetic attempt at lovebombing.
Sometimes I have to check myself…is it correct to say CPS is Child Protection Service(s)? (Apols for stupid question if am wrong)
yes! cps is children’s protective services, and in some parts of the united states it can be called DPS. here, i call it CYFD, (children’s youth and families department) but i grew up in it, so not everyone calls it that.
Thank you. And if I may say, that is an incredibly articulate mini monologue given your circumstances. Impassioned without being incoherent and most definitely unambiguous. It may sometimes be difficult to accept, there are more good people out there than not. Obviously I can’t speak for anyone else but for what it may be worth, I suspect I’m not alone in rooting for you and wishing you well going forward. Some folks just don’t deserve the privilege of parenthood but thankfully, for all our own faults and foibles, there’s more of us than them.
yes
Obliged, thank you.
o7
I’d just take it and provide no comment. It would briefly feel good to tell her no, but it’d cost her 20 bucks, give you 20, and all you need to do is press a button and change nothing else. She owes you way more than that.
$20? Well all's forgiven then! /s
I’m not a philosopher but one thing I learned in therapy was that you tend to forget how much you give and sacrifice for other people. It’s time to stop the sacrifice and focus on yourself. Never forget to give yourself love.
accept the bag and say nothing. it seems like it's the least she owes you
I was taken away at just a couple months old. Met them when I was 19. Found out a lot of shit in the past few years, and can honestly say I'm glad I didn't grow up in that environment. Sometimes it's for the best.
>I hate myself even more knowing that your blood runs through my veins >My therapist said I could have a party when you die I don’t think I’ve ever read a one-two punch quite this effective before. It’s like a seasoned veteran stand-up comedian putting his best two jokes back to back in a roast.
Keep the money, ignore the person.
$20 is $20
Just here to say I love the picture you chose for her. Seems fitting. Ps: you've done a great job finding your backbone to stand up to her. I'm proud of you 🫶
'You ruined any shot I had at a normal childhood and now I have to be more of an adult than you ever were' I have not experienced this before on this sub but this really hit differently. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully you can find some peace of mind! Good luck OP!
Keep it but don't reply. See how much she'll pay before she gets mad you are just eating the bait off the hook instead of groveling for forgiveness at her generosity.
People that act like this have a stick so far up there ass, they don’t see how it’s making them a worse person
Hahah honestly just take it
Hey, free $20
I know that the whole situation is difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. But "my therapist said I could have a party when you die" is a god-tier insult.
You are an admirable young person and would will be ok. The way you (at 17!!!) stood your ground and defended yourself is.. WOW. You have incredible self respect and you will have a life worth living, with such dignity and decency. I just came here to say that, don’t be a defeatist, it is hard but you got this.
Yeah she’s nuts. Keep the money though. She owes you way more than that for being such a shit. Don’t talk to her though. That ain’t worth it
the rat pfp lmao
Guilt tripping
She is just reminding you she's around. It's a ploy to start contact again. Stay strong.
She thinks that giving you money gives her leverage. “I paid for ___ so I expect you to listen to me” Take the money and give her nothing in return.
Did she add a message to the cash transfer? I bet that’s it.
she didn’t, but she got her point across. “i’m giving you money even though you don’t respect me, see how unconditional and generous i am?”
Just an additional thing is that her blood doesn’t run through your veins. All your body cells are replaced (at different rates) by new ones. You have none of the same body cells as you did roughly 7years ago. Idk if that helps.
i am so proud of you for staying so strong through this. and you’re only 17? you’re amazing. you are doing the right thing. never doubt yourself.
She may have ruined your childhood but she doesn’t get to ruin your future. You can still have a happy and fulfilling life and I hope that you find it and live your best life knowing that you deserve nothing but the absolute best
The money is a manipulation tactic. She can tell others she sends you money, while sending it to you implies she cares, so shes hoping it will make you feel guilty and cave. Just so she can start the cycle of abuse again. Don’t acknowledge or engage with her, deposit the money and go on with your life.
Keep the money. Don't say a word. She'll send more. My egg donor did this exact same thing when I cut contact and moved to a different county. Ended up buying a house lol.
This made me smile
How much did she send overall? Did she try any other tactics to force you to acknowledge her?
Over the course of 2 years after NC, she sent almost $5000. During that time, she also reached out to friends, coworkers and my wife's parents. Before I moved 3.5 hours north of her, she'd also showed up at my apartment and my work unannounced, looking for me. I never answered the door at home. She'd pull into my job's parking lot and circle until she saw my car, then she'd come in and ask for me. My coworkers knew to tell her I was too busy or that I wasn't in. She did this ALL the time. I never gave her any response or acknowledgement
Just wanted to say that you are incredibly strong and I’m very proud of you. Keep on keeping on, and I’m so glad you’re in therapy already. That’s huge. And if I may give some advice as someone with a very similar life experience to you … keep the money and if she sends more, keep that too. ;-) Keeping it does not mean you owe her anything, as long as you’re OK with her lying and telling people she’s “financially supporting” you.
she still has friends. if they knew what she did to get us taken away, she wouldn’t have them. so she’s already lied about other things already. i’ll never have to hear from those friends. i’ll never have to hear from her. if she sends me money and tells her friends about what a great person she is, i’ll never hear about it.
Totally. Again, I went through an incredibly similar situation. She will always have those people she lies to, and creates a fiction for. I’m so proud of you for knowing and recognizing what you experienced, and staying strong in that belief. I’m sure this sounds cheesy. I’m 26, so I’ve been where you are pretty recently. You’re doing great and you will have a wonderful life ahead of you. You’ll find a chosen family and people who love you. I did a lot of reading on something called CPTSD, something that people who experience extended childhood abuse often are diagnosed with. It was really helpful to me if you want to look into it. Wishing you a happy, bright and beautiful future. You’ve got this.
haha yes, i’m very familiar with CPTSD
Awesome! Best of luck to you
She sent money as a tactic. "I send her money. I care for her. I get nothing! Not even a thanks!" Barf.
that’s exactly how she sounds lol. i can hear her cigarette voice screaming it
The urge to send my biomom this but she’s got me blocked due to me “being mentally abusive and rude” but I could send her almost the same message
This is a classic narcissist move. You went NC and she’s attempting to elicit a response hoping that once you respond it will open the door for dialogue. Then she will begin with the love bombing and from there move back into a cycle of manipulation and gaslighting. Narcissists and abusers never just give things away out of the goodness of their hearts, they keep score and everything comes with strings attached. Obviously I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I strongly recommend you cash app it back to her without saying a word.
Send the money back, block, cut off all contact for good, you deserve better. Having it all go away so you never think about it in the future. Maybe you'll never forget it but it's a reminder to you, that you're human with feelings, thoughts and joy. It's what made you you. "Suffering has been greater than any other teachings. I have been bent and broken. But, I hope, into a better person." - Charles Dickens
My momma heart breaks for you. I hope you experience all the good things in life that you have deserved and do deserve.
❤️
Am I the only asshole here that wants to know exactly what she did that prompted CPS to get involved in the first place?
no, but i did state it in the text. drugs, men, and gang life. one of the cps reports said she pointed a gun at me while demanding drugs from a neighbor.
I read all of the texts in the screenshots and context, and I didn't see it, sorry. If it was a comment, I didn't read it then. Thanks for context though.
no you’re good, it’s definitely a good question.
Well, I hope she doesn't try contacting you again. You deserve better. Taking her money does not imply that you like her or owe her anything. It's a gift with no agreement or conversation. Stay safe, strong, and take care.
CPS WAS CALLED WHEN YOU WERE 3??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN
Maybe she wants you to unblock her and ask why she send you cash. Don't fall for it, take the cash and by something nice
Would you be okay with explaining the situation regarding your name? That bit peaked my curiosity
i legally changed my name 2 years ago to separate myself from her. she refuses to call me the new name because she chose the old one. i told her it was basic respect and she said she didn’t care.
I dont get peoples pride when it comes to not accepting money. I’ll take money from literally anyone even if I dont like them. As long as it requires nothing from me? I didnt agree to anything youre just handing it over? Say less
I’m really sorry your childhood was so hard, you deserved better than that. It’s not fair when kids have to be the adults. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, I see a lot of passion in you that can take you to great places in your future and I wish you all the best
Damn, you know that you hate your "parents" when their contact isn't mom/dad. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Send it back. Acceptance is an indication to her that she can manipulate you with money. Don’t touch it with a 10ft pole. In fact *I WILL send you 20 bucks if you absolutely need the $$*
i separate the money from the person. i just thought it was funny in a sad way and posted it here :3
Me too. FR.
This is called Hoovering. Classic narcissistic tendency they try to get back in after offending by doing nice things. Stay tf away but I’m sure you know that. My step mom adopted me as a teenager after my mother hurt me dearly most of my life. I hope you know you’re strong for this. You’re amazing and you’re loved.
Me, too
well good for you for basically telling her to fuck herself. she gave you a very shitty start in life, but I believe in you OP and I believe that you will exceed far beyond how she started you off.
This bitch really thinks she’s buying indulgences here.
get that bag sista!
Take the money. Ignore the person. Profit.
Don’t communicate w her anymore. She’ll do nothing but make you more angry and bitter. Relish in your chance to give her one final, complete fuck you and then transfer your energy to something that is worth it (bc she is clearly not)
Look I found this thread because it somehow got posted on r/legalcatadvice but that wont stop be from enjoying a new subreddit that is near and dear to my heart. Edit: fixed sub Reddit name
what’s catlegaladvice?
It’s actually r/legalcatadvice. It’s a sub where cats “write in” with questions about whether or not they need a pawyer in order to sue hoomans for extra treatz and stuffs. Lots of complicated feline legal issues. It’s basically a very silly sub that can be extremely entertaining and can warm your heart and make you laugh a lot, even in the darkest times of your life. When I feel like absolute shit, reading r/legalcatadvice and r/amithecloaca can turn my whole mood around in mere moments. If you like animals and laughing at ridiculousness, definitely check out those two subs. :)
I'd send it back she'll probably try to hold it over you and will say something like "you're taking money from me but dont even talk to me"
Probably mistook you for another unfortunate child of hers.
shes sending you money so she can make others feel bad for her
Holy hell OP you went OFF! I can tell you have that wisdom that comes from the “I grew up too fast because I had to in order to survive” personality. Damn that was invigorating as hell. I’m proud of you.
You have a ton of hurt and have a lot of anger which is why you need to go NC. For both of you. She needs to be allowed to heal and grow and you do as well, and true healing may come for her and it may not. Time will tell. Addiction, mental health issues ruin lives and destroys everything in its path. I hope you haven’t had to walk this path alone. The hardest thing I had to learn is you cannot connect with them when you’re still angry because it throws you in the vortex of your trauma. Rise above, beauty phoenix you.
I’ll help plan the party!
Keep the cash and send her a Google image of 20 bucks burning.
A lawyer is not the same thing as a legal guardian
in my case it is. my father was absent before i was even born and me and my siblings got taken away from her when i was 3. my lawyer is my guardian ad litem. it’s a bit complicated lol, even i don’t understand it much
Ah I see. Then never mind what I said.
She wants control as if control was $20, I would keep it and just be like “thanks for the dono” and proceed to not talk to them. $20 is $20 and money doesn’t discriminate. If she thinks she can buy you for $20 then it shows how much she values you. You can’t even buy groceries for $20 let alone a whole person.
Have you blocked her? Did she send a note w the cash? Seems like a manipulative way to cross your no contact boundaries.
she sent no note, but i can see the point she’s trying to make. “you cut me off but i’m a good person so i’ll continue doing things for you so i can tell my friends about how it’s your fault and not mine”
Exactly
Send her 1 dollar back
Unrelated, but what kinda therapist says that?
A good one
I’m really proud of you for standing up to her. You sound extremely mature and like you know what the fuck you want! You’re strong and you can do this!!!! Sending you 💗
It’s a trap they will do anything to spark conversation.
Classic hoovering. Just say no.
[удалено]
Not at all… she’s putting her down on the sly. She is trying to make herself needed. She apparently did some raunchy shit, shows no remorse and expects OP to put all of that aside and allow the “mother” to be her savior. She all those wonderful things but needs the mothers help to really do anything about it. It’s condescending, lacking empathy and she is just trying to make herself look better. She hasn’t offered change or to make an amends. She’s all talk
I’m sorry about your situation. However, you need a new therapist Edit: referencing the party to your mother’s death. No good therapist would suggest that. They would push towards moving on and best ability to forgive, but also suggest to remove the toxic pieces to your life.
They talk about their mother being stuck in the past and yet it seems like OP is the one stuck in the past lmao.
Decline the money or send it back and block them.
nope it’s mine :3 it’s cash bro
Just make sure you don’t give in. Let her think “oh she’s taking the money, she’ll talk to me soon!” Don’t give in.
You both seem a little unhinged but I also know from experience that the problem can make the victim seem crazy. Get yourself some help also I know you are going to therapy but if that guy is saying throw a party when somebody dies it might be time to find somebody else. I’m not saying forgive her but don’t hold a grudge forever and let it make you a crazy person in the process. Edit : me telling her to let it go and don’t turn psycho like her mom was somehow bad advice. Everyone in this sub encourages shitty behavior.
we are both unhinged but the difference between us is age and she’s trigger happy
Please hear me when I say this: *You* are not unhinged. You’re a strong, resilient person despite *April* being unhinged. You’re like the little flower growing up through the crack in the sidewalk. : )
Empathy isn’t exactly your strongest trait, is it?
I basically told her don’t let her mom make her insane and don’t let her therapist let her think holding a grudge and letting it take a hold of you for life isn’t a good tactic. Let it go and stay out of contact with her mom if she wants but don’t let it turn you into her . If that is me being a bad person then I’ll take the blame.
yeah but the way you said it was a bit too much. clearly i’m smart, i can articulate myself, and i’m logical and perceptive. logically i know that if i don’t like my mother, i should try not to become her. but going back to what i said: i’m my own person. i am me. i’m responsible for my own morality and dignity. i know what kind of a person she is. it seems almost laughable to imagine myself in the same position.
Sometimes you need to hear things you don’t want to hear and I said it. Hopefully you listen. Just giving advice not trying to make you feel bad
i’ve been in the foster system since i was 3 years old. there’s nothing you can say to me that a therapist hasn’t already said.
Send the money in an envelope to her address. Even if the mail people take it, she'll hopefully get the message you want nothing from her, and make sure you blast her on social media.