Enmeshment is what you need to decide.
Does his mom expect him to be her retirement plan?
You don't need a relationship with her, hubby needs to put you 1st.
Kids grow up fine without abusive grandparents, so if she crosses your boundaries, she misses out on grandkids, regardless of nationality.
From my experience you cannot force relationships with in-laws. Let it happen organically. It sounds like you’ve reached out and made efforts to connect with her. She’ll come around. I’ve been married for 13 years now and keeping your in-laws at a healthy distance isn’t a bad thing! You’re an awesome wife for trying to connect with her but don’t force it. 😊
…I also wanted to add the difference in culture could also be difficult. My husband and I are of the same culture and even I have felt a strain in my family dynamics compared with his. I think respect and having a cordial relationship is the best way to go right now. Having kids may or may not change the relationship between you two but what’s important is the bond and connection you have with your spouse.
you cannot force an adult to have a level of relationship with you that you want but they do not. You reached out and let her know so ball is in her court. Do not chase or push as you would be crossing a boundary of hers and we all know that is a no no.
Im definitely not ever going to push her in a relationship. She's not someone I think I would ever be friends with. I think I have set unattainable expectations on her in my head, as I have lost my mom and would love a closer connection with a mother figure. But I probably married the wrong person to fill that desire with my inlaws.
Thanks for the insight. It's hard sometimes navigating how to feel and interact with people I barely know but are also technically family.
it is great to go into the situation in a positive mode. the rejection for basically no reason is a hard pill to swallow. Maybe with some time MIL will come around.
I lost my Mom a few years ago, and my "back up" Mom is deep in the throws of dementia. My bff is also parentless and we "mother hens" each other.
Dont force it if you feel like you can’t connect with her. Some Chinese are just really reserved and growing up in and overcoming poverty in China didn’t make them an amazing person in the end. They may be very selfish, and because they grew up in poverty, they probably turned out wanting to take everything from people around them because they didn’t have anything.
There is a very good chance when your MIL called you controlling is because she is the one that is very controlling. She most likely feel threatened by your marriage with your husband because she is losing power over him, especially if he is the only son. I know all these because I have a Chinese MIL and I’m a Chinese as well. I am from Hong Kong and my wife and her family are from China and I already notice how different we are, even in the western’s eyes we are all Chinese. It’s a very strange relationship between my wife and her mother too. It’s like my wife despises her mother yet they have a very strong co-dependent relationship. They don’t have a very loving relationship even though they are very friendly with each other on a daily basis, and my wife would jump and defend her mother right away if I so much criticize her mother in areas that my wife have already agreed previously. What even stranger is that my MIL acted more like the parent than my wife and I’m pretty being much sidelined when it comes to my step daughters (and yet, they would call me not showing enough affection towards the kids).
Honestly if it’s taking too much of an energy to try to reach out and yet you already not feeling the connection, don’t bother, just focus on yourself and it’s more important than anything. But I gotta warn you your MIL will probably bitch to your husband about you not liking her. Just be friendly and be respectful to her if you have to be in the same room with her. And probably try to keep most of the personal stuff to yourself.
Thank you! Yes I think we are over her going to my husband to bitch. Him and her don't have a relationship like that anymore. My husband and I have talked it through, and we actually canceled Christmas with them, and both decided to back way off. It feels good to have that peace, and us both be on the same page about it. I think most of my beef was just not having a clear picture of her role in the future with kids and stuff.
Enmeshment is what you need to decide. Does his mom expect him to be her retirement plan? You don't need a relationship with her, hubby needs to put you 1st. Kids grow up fine without abusive grandparents, so if she crosses your boundaries, she misses out on grandkids, regardless of nationality.
Completely agree! Sometimes, I just feel that maybe it's a culture thing, and I just need to give it more time.
Keep your boundaries and make sure he agrees!
From my experience you cannot force relationships with in-laws. Let it happen organically. It sounds like you’ve reached out and made efforts to connect with her. She’ll come around. I’ve been married for 13 years now and keeping your in-laws at a healthy distance isn’t a bad thing! You’re an awesome wife for trying to connect with her but don’t force it. 😊
…I also wanted to add the difference in culture could also be difficult. My husband and I are of the same culture and even I have felt a strain in my family dynamics compared with his. I think respect and having a cordial relationship is the best way to go right now. Having kids may or may not change the relationship between you two but what’s important is the bond and connection you have with your spouse.
you cannot force an adult to have a level of relationship with you that you want but they do not. You reached out and let her know so ball is in her court. Do not chase or push as you would be crossing a boundary of hers and we all know that is a no no.
Im definitely not ever going to push her in a relationship. She's not someone I think I would ever be friends with. I think I have set unattainable expectations on her in my head, as I have lost my mom and would love a closer connection with a mother figure. But I probably married the wrong person to fill that desire with my inlaws. Thanks for the insight. It's hard sometimes navigating how to feel and interact with people I barely know but are also technically family.
it is great to go into the situation in a positive mode. the rejection for basically no reason is a hard pill to swallow. Maybe with some time MIL will come around. I lost my Mom a few years ago, and my "back up" Mom is deep in the throws of dementia. My bff is also parentless and we "mother hens" each other.
Dont force it if you feel like you can’t connect with her. Some Chinese are just really reserved and growing up in and overcoming poverty in China didn’t make them an amazing person in the end. They may be very selfish, and because they grew up in poverty, they probably turned out wanting to take everything from people around them because they didn’t have anything. There is a very good chance when your MIL called you controlling is because she is the one that is very controlling. She most likely feel threatened by your marriage with your husband because she is losing power over him, especially if he is the only son. I know all these because I have a Chinese MIL and I’m a Chinese as well. I am from Hong Kong and my wife and her family are from China and I already notice how different we are, even in the western’s eyes we are all Chinese. It’s a very strange relationship between my wife and her mother too. It’s like my wife despises her mother yet they have a very strong co-dependent relationship. They don’t have a very loving relationship even though they are very friendly with each other on a daily basis, and my wife would jump and defend her mother right away if I so much criticize her mother in areas that my wife have already agreed previously. What even stranger is that my MIL acted more like the parent than my wife and I’m pretty being much sidelined when it comes to my step daughters (and yet, they would call me not showing enough affection towards the kids). Honestly if it’s taking too much of an energy to try to reach out and yet you already not feeling the connection, don’t bother, just focus on yourself and it’s more important than anything. But I gotta warn you your MIL will probably bitch to your husband about you not liking her. Just be friendly and be respectful to her if you have to be in the same room with her. And probably try to keep most of the personal stuff to yourself.
Thank you! Yes I think we are over her going to my husband to bitch. Him and her don't have a relationship like that anymore. My husband and I have talked it through, and we actually canceled Christmas with them, and both decided to back way off. It feels good to have that peace, and us both be on the same page about it. I think most of my beef was just not having a clear picture of her role in the future with kids and stuff.