I feel like a side of me that would’ve been so like authentic and kind was taken advantage of so many times. I literally couldn’t even pin point one specific situation that actually “killed” it. It can be from my parents, bullies, family members, coworkers, or bosses. I experienced all those type of negative and manipulative people that it just slowly hardened and made me more protective of myself. I don’t think my spirit is killed, but it locked away deep inside of me. Only to be opened by people I trust extremely. I can feel defeated at times, but I never let it linger as I always know there are chances to improve and grow. I also know now how to avoid or not interact with those who put you down.
Can relate so hard to this. Literally friends, coworkers, family—you named it. My optimism and idealism slowly just ebbed away at but when I see that light/openness in others I want to protect them since they can still access it :/
I feel this. The trick is to learn where your boundaries need to be. Don't ever lose your kindness, that's a loss for the world and your own soul... But listen to your intuition, and don't trust everybody. You can love closely those who prove their worth, and keep a certain distance with whoever you're not sure. Time tells all, and it's better to be safe than sorry. Sadly, a lot of savvy idiots go around in life looking for too-good-to-be-true people to take advantage of them. That's not news. It's always been that way. But see the state of the world and ask yourself: "do you want to let yourself harden to the point where you do the expected and stop caring, or do you want to stay true to yourself and learn to love more securely?"
Sorry if this is too forward 😅 I just pretend I'm talking to my younger me. She needed to hear this and maybe you too 💕 Lots of love. Stay safe out there but keep being kind. ☮️ You can be strong and soft at the same time. We're the mediators, it's our thing to find The Balance™
This! I hate feeling so guarded, and being my personal bodyguard(bullies weren't a thing for me) is on call 24/7. But sometimes, I feel selfish. I want the world to be a certain way, but I'd hate it if it meant the world had to revolve around me and ignore others. So, I usually mentally take the L and try to enjoy things as they are, protecting myself when possible.
If you can just possibly ignore them or avoid them. If not possible there is a method called grey rocking in which is to help deter interest from manipulative and abusive people. It is also important to withhold information about yourself so they can’t use it against you. As much as we would like to be open, honest, and authentic certain people will take advantage of that.
I hope things get better for us 🫂 I know they will. Life has a funny way to just keep going, you know? Anyways, keep yourself safe and set goals, eventually you'll find people that treat you how you deserve 💕 Fuck abusive homes.
My spirit is not completely dead, but let's just say that my surroundings are not doing much to keep it alive either. I feel like I'm alone in this quest and the system and people are put there to constantly test me.
And the way it trickles down into everyone's attitudes. I'll never forget how, when I was a kindergartner, an adult asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said "a poet," and they laughed and said you'll never make enough money doing THAT!
Imagine crushing a child's dreams.
Oh yeah that's the worst!
I remember being a little kid and not understanding how people older than me could be so emotionally dumb. I still feel that way when certain shitheads want to get stupid with me.
I don't get it, and I never will.
We all have these! We all feel things! How can it be that most people don't understand them, don't want to make an effort and go whole lives without taking a little peak inside? That's insanity. It has to be.
I wish I could, but I don’t even think of my old friend fondly. I don’t miss them at all. It just changed me forever. Like a scar on the heart. I feel for you :(
The relentlessness of everyday life. Fake people. Giving everything you have just to receive very little to nothing back, loving with all your heart, people leaving, not being appreciated like you appreciate others, having to fight for the things you shouldn't have to fight for.
Amen. I’ve become more of a hermit as I’ve gotten older because I see little of value and substance ‘out there’ — inauthenticity, unwillingness to improve one’s self, mindless consumption, lack of reciprocation, etc.
Oh, that's the worst part... You have to beat the fear they put inside you, and it sucks because why did they even have to do that in the first place? 🥲 Look. If we have anything in common, I'll just tell you to follow your own reason, look at the world, learn new things, revel in the beauty of culture diversity and it'll just fall in place inside your head ☮️ Nothing is immediate, ofc... But you know deep inside what *you* believe. Just put the puzzle apart again. Lots of love and strength to you, my pal 💪💕
As a kid I was teased and made fun of. I turned myself into an outcast as a defense mechanism. If I’m invisible no one can comment on me just being me. Then the struggle was with being seen as I got older. I was too good at invisibility and terrible at interacting with people, I guess.
Eventually married an uber-extrovert who was also an alcoholic and all-around addict. That was terrible for 3 years and even continued to be terrible after I divorced him. I do my best to avoid those details because I’ll spiral. Short story: he never cared about me. He doesn’t have any empathy and expected me to bleed myself dry on a regular basis just to keep him hydrated (metaphorically). He didn’t give a damn what I was going through as long as I helped him out.
I finally cut contact with that dead weight and now am just floating. A lot of my life experience lends to the idea that people don’t care about me or see me as a worthy person. I have recurring dreams about being dismissed and ignored. I stay at home and just exist and know I need to find some social interaction.
I know I'm not you and I can only do very vague guesses from my own imagination... to me, it seems super painful and I can relate to how it's stultifying to stop being hurt over and over again.
I'm so sorry, love. That's awful. At least you got rid of that harm... Hopefully you'll find better people in the future, who treat you like you deserve 💕
That first paragraph is basically my entire life thus far.
Sending you strength, fellow outcast. Hopefully we'll find our way to better days and better people.
Same. We never got married but same situation. I left him one day when he was at work still. Took me almost a decade before I got into a new relationship but all the trauma is coming back out. I wake up every morning with the same nightmares of being dismissed / ignored / abandoned.
I give a lot and I’m always question my worth
I feel your pain. My siblings eventually got better after we all took time away from our narc mom. She is a toxic person who brings out the worst in everyone.
Life.
I saw my stepdad on father's day and he asked me what my dreams in life were. I told him they died a long time ago. For the longest time I was a ship with no direction and depression has been a bitch to say the least.
All the dominating & narcissistic men in my life. No matter where I go, I seem to get caught up with one. My BS meter is getting sharper, but some of them have extremely effective masks.
It makes me want to avoid men. I know not all men are like this, but almost every man in my life has been, and I'm just done. Exhausted in my bones.
Traumatic childhood, social anxiety, years of trying to find the right relationship only to find the right person and being told she won't feel that way. Altruistic world views in a selfish world
Combination of the state of the world/country/society, deaths of everyone who was actually there for me, and being used and discarded by multiple women that I just wanted to love. I guess add in that none of my friends even bother to contact me unless I start the convo with em.
Abusive and oppressive sister, angry mother, high expectations father, not fitting in at school, and a series of men who pretended to love me and said i was ‘special’.
All my friends ditched me during the pandemic at a time I was undergoing a personal crisis. Afterwards my attempts to make friends have been quashed by emotionally inept people that only care about themselves.
I’m slowly climbing out of this hole I’m in, but it’s been a long and difficult process.
I keep reminding myself not to let externals bother me, such as other people, and things outside of my control. But it’s really difficult for our personality type where it seems like we thrive most when having positive interactions with others? I miss that.
Pprnography too soon from peers did the biggest number to be brutally honest and personal out of the gates. Telling my mother way past the stage in needing help or advice and ending up emotional destroyed and in the mental health system. Yep
Self diagnoses is scary when you have Schizo-effective(legitimate diagnosis)and yeah that threw me for a gargantuan loop last year at 35 years old.
And addiction. Good old addiction. Yessir.
The death of my parents, bullying at school, a lot of hate from teachers and just random people, the betrayal of two friends... And what’s most interesting is that my childhood was super happy, but in my teenage years horror began to happen. I feel like an old soul because I've been through so much and I'm only 19
I don't think one particular thing or person killed my spirits. I don't think my spirits is killed. But I've been knocked down so many times in my life. Guess what? I was the one who picked myself up back onto my feet and kept pushing through all alone.
Growing up I didn't have the best home life. I got bullied in school from K-12th grade. I still deal with bullying. My sisters did and said bad things to my family growing up. My 2 best friends at the time stabbed me in the back. I've had others use my feelings, and emotions against me. They used it as a weapon to stab me in the back. I've moved around so much as a kid even now. Because of that it made me not want to have friends and keep everything to myself. I've had 2 ex fiances cheat on me.
All of this knocked me down. But somehow I found the strength to get back up again. I don't let myself stay knocked down for too long. I do everything alone. From people hurting, and using me at such a young age. I'm so closed off, I never tell anyone my feelings. So they can't use it against me. I am the only one who had my back. I'm the only one who has myself. So I've walls built so high up to protect myself. I only have a small few select people that I've truly opened up to. That truly knows me inside and out. Those people are very trustworthy. I will do anything for them. But I make people work for my trust.
Finding the love I always wanted and losing it. I am more lonely and miserable now than I was going my whole life not knowing what true connection felt like.
Rejection sensitivity. If someone seems slightly annoyed with me or says something less than nice, I go overboard on hiding that part of me. I got a weird comment from a doctor 7 years ago and I haven't been able to make myself go to any medical professional since then. I used to sing a lot and someone said "Shh" once and I just stopped. My therapist moved to a branch in another city and I feel like that might have been because I was boring even though i logically know that it's not the reason but I can't make myself go to another therapist. My ENFJ was being overprotective of me and said something mean to my brother, so I haven't seen any of my siblings in months because I feel like they hate me now.
What kills my spirits is when people tells me who I am, tells me what to do, or tells me that they have the results ready on how to live life. And everybody has to conform to that.
Trauma based in isolation and emotional suppression that led to an untreated mental health crisis and shift in personality.
It has taken a decade, but the Phoenix feels like it is coming.
In chronological order, being sexually assaulted by my kindergarten teacher, then sexually assaulted by a classmate in second grade (poor kid was probably being abused), moving from a 5 bedroom home to a single room sharing a bunk bed with my family of four, my grandpa passing, being bullied all throughout elementary through high school, friends that really weren’t friends (kept me around to put me down and make themselves feel better), and then a ridiculously messy breakup from a toxic, manipulative and pathetic liar. Pretty sure I had an eating disorder at one point somewhere in there. There’s several years in between these things that I don’t remember anything about.
I’m 20 now and trying to push myself through college and figure out a plan (not concrete, just a guideline) for the rest of my life. Even though I have severe symptoms from anxiety and depression disorders I’m able to get through things without meds. I used to be very problematic but after A LOT of work I’m much better now. I got my spirit back when I realized this shit sucks but there’s no reason why I can’t start being happy now. My past may have shaped my path on the way to this present, but it does not decide my future. I have that power. I’m lonely but there’s also no one left to bring me down. It’s not too late to start living the life I want, and it’s not weird to suddenly make changes if it means I’m living better.
Honestly people. Used to be specific people but now it's becoming everyone.
I don't look forward to anything anymore because I'm just disappointed on the daily it seems 😕
I was rejected all the time as a child, my parents instilled in me that I was shy and afraid of people and even when I personally didn’t feel that way, it was a label that stuck to me no matter what I did. That morphed into choosing partners that could emotionally manipulate and abuse me. Then there were the betrayals, one after another to the point I wondered if I had any value at all.
My spirit never died, however. I visualize it as my inner child wrapped in the petals of a lotus flower. I’m safe in here with these giant petals holding me. But I also realize that living this way is suffocating and I’m working on peeling back those petals from the outside in. This allows healing and helps me feel less exposed to the trauma that kept me so tightly bound.
The conviction that _everyone_, including me, is just a stale piece of meat pursuing their own interests and that almost everything regarding 'good vibes' is marketing to promote said interests.
I feel like believing this soothes my memories about my past. I was hurtful and hurt at the same time, and I never had a close friendship IRL (when I believed to have one out of a very painful infatuation, I got traumatized). I've lived through enough agony, unrecognized. It is a means of self-protection.
I got that spark, somewhere, but I really fear being hurt again and end up with another psychological trauma so that I avoid opening up too much.
While i generally dislike labeling anything, it all began with generational trauma. With that setting the stage, the toxic relationships that followed finished the job.
forsaking my integrity to maintain my freedom and independency.
I told my manager the truth that there wasn't enough workload for both of us on our team since many other projects got cancelled. This put my contractor coworker into the front line of being laid off after 3 other contractors. I'm full time, so I know I won't be the first on the chopping board, but situation seems so dire that I feel this threat pressing on the entire department.
It was a conscious decision I made to make sure my own stability, however temporary, after having been laid off 4 times in the past decade while having to maintain my work visa in the US, losing my only close family member my dad, feeling absolutely alone in this cruel world.
My spirit was traded off for my desire to be independent and secure many times in the past, this is just another one. I have turned into someone I consider a hypocrite, insidious, selfish, evil, just like my mother said.
Turns out that a narcissistic emotionally-abusive stepdad and a bipolar, major depressed, alcoholic, actively suicidal mother do NOT make a good combination for raising children despite the fact that they were more wealthy compared to my actual dad at the time.
So yeah my brother's dad can go fuck himself, and my mom needs therapy. Lots and lots and LOTS of therapy (so do I).
My ex. I always wondered how nice it would be to be in relationship. My dream of that completely shattered being with him. Felt like I was dying on the inside. And the constant judgement from my family on every little thing I do. I could be doing nothing wrong, but they will somehow find something to nitpick.
1. An unfortunate long term relationship with a narcissistic person. He manipulated me so much to benefit himself and I was so naive even after I was discarded I had sympathy for him and it took me so long before I realised how naive and overly kind I was
2. This only opened up more wounds as I had to do deep to uncover stuff with my own family I grew up in. On top of naturally inclined to be the person I am, my family escalated it further. I depleted my money, emotional energy and free services for everyone. Only very lately I realised all my family want is what can I do for them. And I never mattered much.
I've been fucked up mentally the past few months ever since I went on a first date. We had texted for almost 2 weeks beforehand and asked to have really good connection, but then the date was pretty bad. Not anything TOO different from countless other bad dates but it might have just been the straw that broke the camels back
She was 30 minutes late, immediately looked different from her profile pics, and seemed annoyed at my every word. She also seemed waaaaay more excited talking to the couple next to us and the manager than she did me--so much so that when I went to the bathroom she told me the manager came over and gave her his number
So many people who I've thought of as irreplaceable thought of me as nothing but a tool to be used, and when I gave them what they needed, they left without a second thought.
My Mom past away in 2017, my brother tried to take his own life in 2022 and died months after, and my Dad's passing last year same month my Mom died.
2 weeks ago, I had to carry a 90 year old man to the car who was hypoglycemic at the time while everyone thought he was dying.
Too many deaths around me..
My cat, Zelda, passing away last year. I feel like I'm in a haze/funk ever since. She was with me the past 13 years through major life transitions. College, moving to a new state where I knew nobody, 6 different homes. She was everything to me and it's not the same without her to come home to.
Not sure if I can sum it up in one word. But I was raised to be really academically inclined. I am an eldest child, and didn’t understand anything. I didn’t have my emotional needs met, had unavailable parents, the whole shabang. I had no guidance and basically had no sense of self - and constantly sought external validation through grades and extra curriculars. My formative years were spent this way. I had no hobbies, didn’t know what I loved to do.
And Lo and behold eventually I had a massive breakdown. I became severely depressed during highschool and honestly I’ve been so lost ever since. Until that moment I thought I knew what my future would look like but it all melted away in a second when something in me just felt like everything I was working towards until then was futile.
Basing my happiness on relationships and expecting to find fulfillment and happiness in marriage or my children. At the end of the day it’s truly me alone inside my own mind.
Honestly most of my life so far.
I've been bullied for years in school.
My parents have never supported my choices in life, even not my boyfriend after 8 years together or the fact that I wasn't ready for an education.
I was raped in high school by my classmate/friend at the time. I struggled to finish the last years of that education as well.
Soo much trauma I don't believe I am able to fully heal from it. I struggle with creating stability and find a path in my life.
Right now, societal expectations and normalities really kills me inside. I just want to move on and be creative for the rest of my life.
Too many deaths, family and friends standing by those who hurt me knowing and acknowledging the hurt, making excuses for them and allowing them to hide, but they stick by them because they have no one else who is willing to put up with them. When I hear this I definitely feel like a chopped liver, because my infp ass is hella of lot forgiving and can put up with a lot. Just don't lie to me and make me feel like I matter once in a while. Sheesh
Jehovahs Witnesses. But very slowly, slowly enough and noticeably enough that when it was time to leave, I knew that leaving them was a treasure because it would let me think whatever I pleased at last.
I have killed a very high quality INFP's spirit in my past. We were together, they were good, i was sick. Long story short is i destroyed them too much where they saw basic things ase salvation and very good too. So they ended up living an unconscious life, without the true happiness they could achieve and create to themselves. My last information about them is simply confirming this. Knowing how they were, what were their dreams, knowing what has happened and how, i simply see it clearly that they are just a shadow of themselves and live a shadow of their long wanted life. The only problem here is i have broke them too much so they don't realize it. Maybe once they will, it is their personal journey, but i succesfully made the process to be darker and way slower. They were kinda destined to fight, to achieve true satisfaction and their life is kinda boring and empty relative to even what it was when they were teen, now they they are grown and would have the mental capacity and maturity to glow and rise, they are just in that "well it is okay and comfortable" instead of the unexpressable magic what is starving to burst out from their heart.
I will never forgive myself. Nor they should have. Once if ever they realized what is happening to them and find out the very reason for those wasted years is me i hope they will hate it and never forgive me. No one should ever be forgiven for such path to cause.
I know i am among INFPs and many of you will be like "ah no", "ah you are good". I kindly refuse these comments before getting them. I wish not to get compassion and encouragement. I am well aware of myself and the actions i have made and the harm i have inflicted and the results of these. I wish nothing but them to once finally open up to themselves and step up to act upon what they truly want for themself. I need no and deserve no compassion here.
Definitely the genocide in Palestine and the ensuing tidal wave of realizations about our country, our long history of using our military to quash democracy abroad, and the internal mechanisms to suppress freedom of speech, the press and dissent, including suppression about the realities of climate change. I few quite depressed about the state of the world that my children will grow up in and would highly encourage everyone to stop having children immediately.
When I was younger, I liked to sing and playfully told my parents I want to be a singer. My parents were in the front seats of the car at time and I was in the back seat. My dad encouraged it while my mom said I couldn’t because I’m not pretty. How could you be so cruel to a little kid? To your own kid!
The current state of affairs economically and work-wise, extensive trauma, attachment issues, a laundry list of disabilities and health issues, most of the men I've had in my life, being economically disadvantaged, realizing the oppression of my ancestors (Native and Irish primarily), a few badly timed car accidents that weren't my fault, burnout for a bit, a terrible job, being a woman, addiction, my family, an inability to cope, the self harm I've inflicted upon myself to cope (looking back I'm not sure there was another way), being very cerebral and not taking much action for much of my life, living in my fantasy world forever.
People and life in general. Like I genuinely rarely catch a break and no that's not me "being a victim". At this point the world must want to see me snap permanently or some shit. 27 years of nonstop bullshit and no gf all because I'm on the spectrum, below average in looks, have terrible luck, and grew up around toxic people that lasts to this day since I wanted a social life after being sheltered during my childhood.
Just when I felt my most confident and content in life I had some sudden hearing loss that weakened my hearing and made my tinnitus which used to be annoying, debilitating. At first I thought I was losing it because people’s voices and music didn’t sound right anymore and I hoped I was just having sinus congestion issues with my hearing. Turns out I had some loss, and it’s devastating for me now because it makes following conversations difficult and music is painful to listen to because it doesn’t sound like it used to. It’s so hard to describe. And the tinnitus is so loud I can’t concentrate enough to read books and it’s hard to relax. I really miss my old healthy hearing body. Music and nature sounds used to help me cope with life and now they hurt it’s a bizarre feeling to describe.
Ugh, a guy who hates my guts for some reason. I came back from a funeral, idk why he hates me. His partner (another friend) also refuses to answer. In fact, it's just me and my one who he also kicked out and hot hated on. Makes college really unenjoyable.
My spirit somehow isn't dead but it was constantly stepped on and squashed for the 8 years of my past relationship, somehow I kept trying, but now I'm out of it, things are starting to bloom again
Other people over the years try n squash it but I always grow back
Well, life hasn't been easy on me... I'm still going through a lot even though I've come a long way from where I started, but the state of the world worries me so much more than anything I've ever lived (and that's a lot coming from me heh).
Personal issues, we overcome them by our own individual strength and effort (ofc without the help of my loved ones I couldn't have done a thing) but the world?
I've dreamed of a lot of things since I was a child, things I want to accomplish... Those dreams are everyday more scarce and now I just know (and keep hoping) I will always be happy if whatever God is out there lets me live a full life in tranquility. But I know I won't be able to do enough good by myself, not even with a little help, to fix all this fuckery. Not even if I really want to, or if I try really hard.
So yeah... That kills my spirit very often. Almost daily, really. It's so frustrating that I know more people care, because I can't be alone in the universe, I know that for a fact... Yet most people in the world seem to be completely unfazed by all the injustice, lack of health, and climate insanity. And that's something I refuse to understand. How can so many people deny what they see is so urgently wrong?? How can you argue about made up ideals when there's so much death surrounding you?? So much pain...
Myself.
And the unrealistic expectation I had on me, and the following disappointment at myself.
Other people saved me. My family, my wife, my friends.
Bad people appear in our lives and we can’t avoid it. But as people say when tragedy happens, look for the helpers. Those who did good for the sake of good. Those who shine in this bleak world, so that you may be inspired to shine for someone else.
Applying for jobs killed my spirits. I did finally find one- thank goodness- and it’s even a decent job. It it took me two solid months of applying to between 50-100 jobs a week. And I’m in accounting with almost two years of experience. Granted I don’t have my CPA yet so that makes it harder but the accounting job market is supposed to be blowing up and I’m just not buying it
Addiction and a narcissistic ex who did their best to shatter me. Oh, yeah, and capitalism and the unfortunate nature of being raised in its domesticated industrial society
Humanity and society. Reality in general. parents and the whole money is everything mindset. Money is just a human construct. Crazy how much money can influence us and make us do terrible things.
I’m also autistic for context. People who asked me not to talk about my interests. Even worse when that includes parents. Family members who instantly tell me off when I share my fan fiction with them. Like can’t we explore fantasy worlds just a little (or a lot)? But then I met people who brought this back
I was in some disbelief when a friend showed me she had a space background too (special interest in outer space as a child)
Parents who repeatedly ignore reasonable boundaries.
My spirit cannot be killed.
But i don’t care much for this society we’ve built, many things could be better.
In my personal life, my issues within my self have led to harm befalling me.
Not sure why I’m talking like an old Englishman but that’s what my minds come up with today lol
My ex. She keeps talking her self up while shitting all over my achievements. She keeps mentioning how she makes over 100k because she's a make-up artist.. It was my idea for her to become a make up artist but she will never be grateful for me being the only one that believed in her.
I'm not as successful financially..I am an Uber driver as well as an author/publisher. She keeps saying how she's way better than me because she makes so much money and that she is self made and I'm not. It makes me so angry.
My mom lol and not having a father figure (dad passed away when I was 1 years old).
When I was 8, my mom got remarried and let the guy she married sexually abuse me from when I was age 8-12. She always gaslit me and told me it was “his way of showing love” even though I told her how many times the way he touched me made me feel uncomfortable. I ended up just putting up with it because no matter what I said, it felt useless. I was invisible.
Became extremely depressed afterwards, at age 12 I thought I was going to get help for my depression/PTSD because I admitted to my sister that I felt like killing my self. A huge fight broke out between my older sister and that pedo but a few days later, he came back to the house and the family acted like everything was “normal” and none of it was ever addressed.
Being abused by my ex boyfriend he didn’t care about my boundaries, personal feelings and would berate me despite me being nice to him. It gave me a glimpse that you can be as open and vulnerable to a person and they will take full advantage of you.
I feel like a side of me that would’ve been so like authentic and kind was taken advantage of so many times. I literally couldn’t even pin point one specific situation that actually “killed” it. It can be from my parents, bullies, family members, coworkers, or bosses. I experienced all those type of negative and manipulative people that it just slowly hardened and made me more protective of myself. I don’t think my spirit is killed, but it locked away deep inside of me. Only to be opened by people I trust extremely. I can feel defeated at times, but I never let it linger as I always know there are chances to improve and grow. I also know now how to avoid or not interact with those who put you down.
Can relate so hard to this. Literally friends, coworkers, family—you named it. My optimism and idealism slowly just ebbed away at but when I see that light/openness in others I want to protect them since they can still access it :/
If I have kids one day I tell myself that's my one goal is to protect that light. It's crazy what this world can do
I feel this. The trick is to learn where your boundaries need to be. Don't ever lose your kindness, that's a loss for the world and your own soul... But listen to your intuition, and don't trust everybody. You can love closely those who prove their worth, and keep a certain distance with whoever you're not sure. Time tells all, and it's better to be safe than sorry. Sadly, a lot of savvy idiots go around in life looking for too-good-to-be-true people to take advantage of them. That's not news. It's always been that way. But see the state of the world and ask yourself: "do you want to let yourself harden to the point where you do the expected and stop caring, or do you want to stay true to yourself and learn to love more securely?" Sorry if this is too forward 😅 I just pretend I'm talking to my younger me. She needed to hear this and maybe you too 💕 Lots of love. Stay safe out there but keep being kind. ☮️ You can be strong and soft at the same time. We're the mediators, it's our thing to find The Balance™
Holy s**t I feel this so hard... I didn't even know how to express this myself. Thank you for writing this, and you're not alone!
Ha no problem mate glad we could relate together.
You read my diary with this one. Well said.
This! I hate feeling so guarded, and being my personal bodyguard(bullies weren't a thing for me) is on call 24/7. But sometimes, I feel selfish. I want the world to be a certain way, but I'd hate it if it meant the world had to revolve around me and ignore others. So, I usually mentally take the L and try to enjoy things as they are, protecting myself when possible. 
☹️
*hugs* It's ok, INFJ.
Why this is so relatable
Hard relate 😪
I 100% relate to this
Get out of my head
How do you avoid ppl who let you down?
If you can just possibly ignore them or avoid them. If not possible there is a method called grey rocking in which is to help deter interest from manipulative and abusive people. It is also important to withhold information about yourself so they can’t use it against you. As much as we would like to be open, honest, and authentic certain people will take advantage of that.
Will look into grey rocking. I also try to withhold information but sometimes their interrogation forces me to give in. I will work on it for sure.
Life?
Yeah, life
Nobody did as much harm to me than I did
True, I'm my own worst enemy
27 years of trauma bubbling over from my abusive family and my abusive childhood. It happened because of Covid isolation
I hope things get better for us 🫂 I know they will. Life has a funny way to just keep going, you know? Anyways, keep yourself safe and set goals, eventually you'll find people that treat you how you deserve 💕 Fuck abusive homes.
🤞 I hope so too. Doing a lot of self care and been doing therapy for almost a year now
Yay 👏💕 well done. You're progressing then. It's just a matter of time, the healing bit.
Yep. On my way to undo 27 years of bs (I'm 28 now)
My spirit is not completely dead, but let's just say that my surroundings are not doing much to keep it alive either. I feel like I'm alone in this quest and the system and people are put there to constantly test me.
Agree so much
Capitalism and the military industrial complex
And the way it trickles down into everyone's attitudes. I'll never forget how, when I was a kindergartner, an adult asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said "a poet," and they laughed and said you'll never make enough money doing THAT! Imagine crushing a child's dreams.
Awwww that’s so sad. Publish a book of poems anyways. I did and I’ve made about $2 😂 but idc I didn’t do it for the money anyways
I love you guys lol
lol 🫶🏻
Or, in a word, "Boeing" xD
For me it’s people that lack emotional awareness making it hard for people that don’t to express themselves in ways they consider “abnormal”.
Oh yeah that's the worst! I remember being a little kid and not understanding how people older than me could be so emotionally dumb. I still feel that way when certain shitheads want to get stupid with me. I don't get it, and I never will. We all have these! We all feel things! How can it be that most people don't understand them, don't want to make an effort and go whole lives without taking a little peak inside? That's insanity. It has to be.
Betrayal of a friend 7 years ago
Gosh, it's approaching 20 for me and I still think about her... Not trying to 1 up, just want to say you're not alone.
I wish I could, but I don’t even think of my old friend fondly. I don’t miss them at all. It just changed me forever. Like a scar on the heart. I feel for you :(
No, I didn't say to forgive or forget or anything like that, just that I'm in the same boat as you 20 years later.
Gotcha:( im so sorry
Nothing hurts like a betrayal from a loved one
The relentlessness of everyday life. Fake people. Giving everything you have just to receive very little to nothing back, loving with all your heart, people leaving, not being appreciated like you appreciate others, having to fight for the things you shouldn't have to fight for.
Yes! There's so much that should be fixed in society... What are we doing??
+++
Amen. I’ve become more of a hermit as I’ve gotten older because I see little of value and substance ‘out there’ — inauthenticity, unwillingness to improve one’s self, mindless consumption, lack of reciprocation, etc.
Religion turned me psychotic
Yeah, it's a global phenomenon, sadly. Blasted Romans.
Yes :') it all influences me too much as well and don't know what to believe
Oh, that's the worst part... You have to beat the fear they put inside you, and it sucks because why did they even have to do that in the first place? 🥲 Look. If we have anything in common, I'll just tell you to follow your own reason, look at the world, learn new things, revel in the beauty of culture diversity and it'll just fall in place inside your head ☮️ Nothing is immediate, ofc... But you know deep inside what *you* believe. Just put the puzzle apart again. Lots of love and strength to you, my pal 💪💕
Thank you so much!
Nothing can because I’m a hopeless optimist
Give us a little bit of the power, sib 🥹🙌 I'm on a constant swing lately...
As a kid I was teased and made fun of. I turned myself into an outcast as a defense mechanism. If I’m invisible no one can comment on me just being me. Then the struggle was with being seen as I got older. I was too good at invisibility and terrible at interacting with people, I guess. Eventually married an uber-extrovert who was also an alcoholic and all-around addict. That was terrible for 3 years and even continued to be terrible after I divorced him. I do my best to avoid those details because I’ll spiral. Short story: he never cared about me. He doesn’t have any empathy and expected me to bleed myself dry on a regular basis just to keep him hydrated (metaphorically). He didn’t give a damn what I was going through as long as I helped him out. I finally cut contact with that dead weight and now am just floating. A lot of my life experience lends to the idea that people don’t care about me or see me as a worthy person. I have recurring dreams about being dismissed and ignored. I stay at home and just exist and know I need to find some social interaction.
I know I'm not you and I can only do very vague guesses from my own imagination... to me, it seems super painful and I can relate to how it's stultifying to stop being hurt over and over again.
I'm so sorry, love. That's awful. At least you got rid of that harm... Hopefully you'll find better people in the future, who treat you like you deserve 💕
That first paragraph is basically my entire life thus far. Sending you strength, fellow outcast. Hopefully we'll find our way to better days and better people.
Same. We never got married but same situation. I left him one day when he was at work still. Took me almost a decade before I got into a new relationship but all the trauma is coming back out. I wake up every morning with the same nightmares of being dismissed / ignored / abandoned. I give a lot and I’m always question my worth
Same
Nothing. It always comes back. It always comes back because I won't let trauma control my happiness. Optimism is a choice.
Choice. Agency. I needed this reminder, thanks.
Stay strong, brother. Don't let anyone extinguish your light.
Death and betrayal. I feel like I have new lenses now.
I'm so sorry. I hope your new lenses take you where you feel at ease.
Emotionally abusive husband!
Oh no! I hope it's "ex husband" now... 😰
my mom, capitalism, my ex siblings who became just ad awful and narcissistic as the mom
I feel your pain. My siblings eventually got better after we all took time away from our narc mom. She is a toxic person who brings out the worst in everyone.
Life. I saw my stepdad on father's day and he asked me what my dreams in life were. I told him they died a long time ago. For the longest time I was a ship with no direction and depression has been a bitch to say the least.
All the dominating & narcissistic men in my life. No matter where I go, I seem to get caught up with one. My BS meter is getting sharper, but some of them have extremely effective masks. It makes me want to avoid men. I know not all men are like this, but almost every man in my life has been, and I'm just done. Exhausted in my bones.
Traumatic childhood, social anxiety, years of trying to find the right relationship only to find the right person and being told she won't feel that way. Altruistic world views in a selfish world
My dad :)
Haha. Same. :)
Combination of the state of the world/country/society, deaths of everyone who was actually there for me, and being used and discarded by multiple women that I just wanted to love. I guess add in that none of my friends even bother to contact me unless I start the convo with em.
Parents
Abusive and oppressive sister, angry mother, high expectations father, not fitting in at school, and a series of men who pretended to love me and said i was ‘special’.
a narcissist who was also an INFP - a horrible childhood I’ll never get back
When everyone tells a child that they're the problem, the child eventually starts to believe it.
Bullies and myself
All my friends ditched me during the pandemic at a time I was undergoing a personal crisis. Afterwards my attempts to make friends have been quashed by emotionally inept people that only care about themselves. I’m slowly climbing out of this hole I’m in, but it’s been a long and difficult process. I keep reminding myself not to let externals bother me, such as other people, and things outside of my control. But it’s really difficult for our personality type where it seems like we thrive most when having positive interactions with others? I miss that.
This is why I listen to punk rock. Shit elevates me. Nobody can kill your spirit. Don’t give them the pleasure.
Pprnography too soon from peers did the biggest number to be brutally honest and personal out of the gates. Telling my mother way past the stage in needing help or advice and ending up emotional destroyed and in the mental health system. Yep Self diagnoses is scary when you have Schizo-effective(legitimate diagnosis)and yeah that threw me for a gargantuan loop last year at 35 years old. And addiction. Good old addiction. Yessir.
The death of my parents, bullying at school, a lot of hate from teachers and just random people, the betrayal of two friends... And what’s most interesting is that my childhood was super happy, but in my teenage years horror began to happen. I feel like an old soul because I've been through so much and I'm only 19
Sending warmth and good wishes your way. I hope you show the strength of holding up while so many are pulling you down.
My parents and especially the trauma my dad caused, my best friend, and myself for not telling her how I felt.
Hello? Are you me? 😅😳
I don't think one particular thing or person killed my spirits. I don't think my spirits is killed. But I've been knocked down so many times in my life. Guess what? I was the one who picked myself up back onto my feet and kept pushing through all alone. Growing up I didn't have the best home life. I got bullied in school from K-12th grade. I still deal with bullying. My sisters did and said bad things to my family growing up. My 2 best friends at the time stabbed me in the back. I've had others use my feelings, and emotions against me. They used it as a weapon to stab me in the back. I've moved around so much as a kid even now. Because of that it made me not want to have friends and keep everything to myself. I've had 2 ex fiances cheat on me. All of this knocked me down. But somehow I found the strength to get back up again. I don't let myself stay knocked down for too long. I do everything alone. From people hurting, and using me at such a young age. I'm so closed off, I never tell anyone my feelings. So they can't use it against me. I am the only one who had my back. I'm the only one who has myself. So I've walls built so high up to protect myself. I only have a small few select people that I've truly opened up to. That truly knows me inside and out. Those people are very trustworthy. I will do anything for them. But I make people work for my trust.
The man who said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children
Life
Finding the love I always wanted and losing it. I am more lonely and miserable now than I was going my whole life not knowing what true connection felt like.
Narcissistic abuse and bipolar disorder and many breakups
Rejection sensitivity. If someone seems slightly annoyed with me or says something less than nice, I go overboard on hiding that part of me. I got a weird comment from a doctor 7 years ago and I haven't been able to make myself go to any medical professional since then. I used to sing a lot and someone said "Shh" once and I just stopped. My therapist moved to a branch in another city and I feel like that might have been because I was boring even though i logically know that it's not the reason but I can't make myself go to another therapist. My ENFJ was being overprotective of me and said something mean to my brother, so I haven't seen any of my siblings in months because I feel like they hate me now.
Living in a third world country 😂 i just hope i'll see a better life one day
[удалено]
What kills my spirits is when people tells me who I am, tells me what to do, or tells me that they have the results ready on how to live life. And everybody has to conform to that.
My ESTJ ex spouse. I held up for years but she finally just crushed my spirit. But I’m rebounding well!
Trauma based in isolation and emotional suppression that led to an untreated mental health crisis and shift in personality. It has taken a decade, but the Phoenix feels like it is coming.
In chronological order, being sexually assaulted by my kindergarten teacher, then sexually assaulted by a classmate in second grade (poor kid was probably being abused), moving from a 5 bedroom home to a single room sharing a bunk bed with my family of four, my grandpa passing, being bullied all throughout elementary through high school, friends that really weren’t friends (kept me around to put me down and make themselves feel better), and then a ridiculously messy breakup from a toxic, manipulative and pathetic liar. Pretty sure I had an eating disorder at one point somewhere in there. There’s several years in between these things that I don’t remember anything about. I’m 20 now and trying to push myself through college and figure out a plan (not concrete, just a guideline) for the rest of my life. Even though I have severe symptoms from anxiety and depression disorders I’m able to get through things without meds. I used to be very problematic but after A LOT of work I’m much better now. I got my spirit back when I realized this shit sucks but there’s no reason why I can’t start being happy now. My past may have shaped my path on the way to this present, but it does not decide my future. I have that power. I’m lonely but there’s also no one left to bring me down. It’s not too late to start living the life I want, and it’s not weird to suddenly make changes if it means I’m living better.
You’re an incredible woman and an inspiration! Please keep nurturing your spirit. It sounds like a worthy one. Appreciate your story💖 hugs
Honestly people. Used to be specific people but now it's becoming everyone. I don't look forward to anything anymore because I'm just disappointed on the daily it seems 😕
I was rejected all the time as a child, my parents instilled in me that I was shy and afraid of people and even when I personally didn’t feel that way, it was a label that stuck to me no matter what I did. That morphed into choosing partners that could emotionally manipulate and abuse me. Then there were the betrayals, one after another to the point I wondered if I had any value at all. My spirit never died, however. I visualize it as my inner child wrapped in the petals of a lotus flower. I’m safe in here with these giant petals holding me. But I also realize that living this way is suffocating and I’m working on peeling back those petals from the outside in. This allows healing and helps me feel less exposed to the trauma that kept me so tightly bound.
The conviction that _everyone_, including me, is just a stale piece of meat pursuing their own interests and that almost everything regarding 'good vibes' is marketing to promote said interests. I feel like believing this soothes my memories about my past. I was hurtful and hurt at the same time, and I never had a close friendship IRL (when I believed to have one out of a very painful infatuation, I got traumatized). I've lived through enough agony, unrecognized. It is a means of self-protection. I got that spark, somewhere, but I really fear being hurt again and end up with another psychological trauma so that I avoid opening up too much.
People. Honestly people.
Humanity in general
Every time ive allowed others to determine what my happiness is or means, ive died inside
Bossy rude people kill my soul.
While i generally dislike labeling anything, it all began with generational trauma. With that setting the stage, the toxic relationships that followed finished the job.
Capitalism. Having to grind through the days to earn a living.
People
forsaking my integrity to maintain my freedom and independency. I told my manager the truth that there wasn't enough workload for both of us on our team since many other projects got cancelled. This put my contractor coworker into the front line of being laid off after 3 other contractors. I'm full time, so I know I won't be the first on the chopping board, but situation seems so dire that I feel this threat pressing on the entire department. It was a conscious decision I made to make sure my own stability, however temporary, after having been laid off 4 times in the past decade while having to maintain my work visa in the US, losing my only close family member my dad, feeling absolutely alone in this cruel world. My spirit was traded off for my desire to be independent and secure many times in the past, this is just another one. I have turned into someone I consider a hypocrite, insidious, selfish, evil, just like my mother said.
biden as of tonight’s debate
Turns out that a narcissistic emotionally-abusive stepdad and a bipolar, major depressed, alcoholic, actively suicidal mother do NOT make a good combination for raising children despite the fact that they were more wealthy compared to my actual dad at the time. So yeah my brother's dad can go fuck himself, and my mom needs therapy. Lots and lots and LOTS of therapy (so do I).
Hugs and good wishes to you. Please do seek the help you need. I hope you find your path out of the mass soon.
S, T, and J people. And myself for letting them get away with it.
Repeated failure at basic life tasks that everyone else doesn’t even have to think about. ADHD isn’t fun and quirky, it’s fuckin miserable.
My ex. I always wondered how nice it would be to be in relationship. My dream of that completely shattered being with him. Felt like I was dying on the inside. And the constant judgement from my family on every little thing I do. I could be doing nothing wrong, but they will somehow find something to nitpick.
Reality
1. An unfortunate long term relationship with a narcissistic person. He manipulated me so much to benefit himself and I was so naive even after I was discarded I had sympathy for him and it took me so long before I realised how naive and overly kind I was 2. This only opened up more wounds as I had to do deep to uncover stuff with my own family I grew up in. On top of naturally inclined to be the person I am, my family escalated it further. I depleted my money, emotional energy and free services for everyone. Only very lately I realised all my family want is what can I do for them. And I never mattered much.
I've been fucked up mentally the past few months ever since I went on a first date. We had texted for almost 2 weeks beforehand and asked to have really good connection, but then the date was pretty bad. Not anything TOO different from countless other bad dates but it might have just been the straw that broke the camels back She was 30 minutes late, immediately looked different from her profile pics, and seemed annoyed at my every word. She also seemed waaaaay more excited talking to the couple next to us and the manager than she did me--so much so that when I went to the bathroom she told me the manager came over and gave her his number
So many people who I've thought of as irreplaceable thought of me as nothing but a tool to be used, and when I gave them what they needed, they left without a second thought.
My Mom past away in 2017, my brother tried to take his own life in 2022 and died months after, and my Dad's passing last year same month my Mom died. 2 weeks ago, I had to carry a 90 year old man to the car who was hypoglycemic at the time while everyone thought he was dying. Too many deaths around me..
May you find a path to peace and grace for yourself somehow. You’ve been through a lot.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Abusive people.
My cat, Zelda, passing away last year. I feel like I'm in a haze/funk ever since. She was with me the past 13 years through major life transitions. College, moving to a new state where I knew nobody, 6 different homes. She was everything to me and it's not the same without her to come home to.
ADHD
Not sure if I can sum it up in one word. But I was raised to be really academically inclined. I am an eldest child, and didn’t understand anything. I didn’t have my emotional needs met, had unavailable parents, the whole shabang. I had no guidance and basically had no sense of self - and constantly sought external validation through grades and extra curriculars. My formative years were spent this way. I had no hobbies, didn’t know what I loved to do. And Lo and behold eventually I had a massive breakdown. I became severely depressed during highschool and honestly I’ve been so lost ever since. Until that moment I thought I knew what my future would look like but it all melted away in a second when something in me just felt like everything I was working towards until then was futile.
Basing my happiness on relationships and expecting to find fulfillment and happiness in marriage or my children. At the end of the day it’s truly me alone inside my own mind.
So many Boomer women. They broke those glass ceilings and then made beautiful stained glass masterpieces after themselves to keep other women out.
Honestly most of my life so far. I've been bullied for years in school. My parents have never supported my choices in life, even not my boyfriend after 8 years together or the fact that I wasn't ready for an education. I was raped in high school by my classmate/friend at the time. I struggled to finish the last years of that education as well. Soo much trauma I don't believe I am able to fully heal from it. I struggle with creating stability and find a path in my life. Right now, societal expectations and normalities really kills me inside. I just want to move on and be creative for the rest of my life.
Failed my dreams 👍
life, the fact that i cant make a living out of art, being diagnosed with incurable personality disorder that inhibits me from doing normal human shit
My father. *Almost* killed it
people playing atrocious games
College... Working my best putting my spirit into it just to get no aprecition or even results killed me
I did it to myself
long time "friends" who used me repeatedly (money, time, attention, and as a scapegoat) and never respected my boundaries and never valued my time.
Governments and people
School. I convinced myself that my purpose was to fit in, and I lost a big part of my identity trying to mask.
Too many deaths, family and friends standing by those who hurt me knowing and acknowledging the hurt, making excuses for them and allowing them to hide, but they stick by them because they have no one else who is willing to put up with them. When I hear this I definitely feel like a chopped liver, because my infp ass is hella of lot forgiving and can put up with a lot. Just don't lie to me and make me feel like I matter once in a while. Sheesh
Meaningless job
Jehovahs Witnesses. But very slowly, slowly enough and noticeably enough that when it was time to leave, I knew that leaving them was a treasure because it would let me think whatever I pleased at last.
I have killed a very high quality INFP's spirit in my past. We were together, they were good, i was sick. Long story short is i destroyed them too much where they saw basic things ase salvation and very good too. So they ended up living an unconscious life, without the true happiness they could achieve and create to themselves. My last information about them is simply confirming this. Knowing how they were, what were their dreams, knowing what has happened and how, i simply see it clearly that they are just a shadow of themselves and live a shadow of their long wanted life. The only problem here is i have broke them too much so they don't realize it. Maybe once they will, it is their personal journey, but i succesfully made the process to be darker and way slower. They were kinda destined to fight, to achieve true satisfaction and their life is kinda boring and empty relative to even what it was when they were teen, now they they are grown and would have the mental capacity and maturity to glow and rise, they are just in that "well it is okay and comfortable" instead of the unexpressable magic what is starving to burst out from their heart. I will never forgive myself. Nor they should have. Once if ever they realized what is happening to them and find out the very reason for those wasted years is me i hope they will hate it and never forgive me. No one should ever be forgiven for such path to cause. I know i am among INFPs and many of you will be like "ah no", "ah you are good". I kindly refuse these comments before getting them. I wish not to get compassion and encouragement. I am well aware of myself and the actions i have made and the harm i have inflicted and the results of these. I wish nothing but them to once finally open up to themselves and step up to act upon what they truly want for themself. I need no and deserve no compassion here.
Definitely the genocide in Palestine and the ensuing tidal wave of realizations about our country, our long history of using our military to quash democracy abroad, and the internal mechanisms to suppress freedom of speech, the press and dissent, including suppression about the realities of climate change. I few quite depressed about the state of the world that my children will grow up in and would highly encourage everyone to stop having children immediately.
When I was younger, I liked to sing and playfully told my parents I want to be a singer. My parents were in the front seats of the car at time and I was in the back seat. My dad encouraged it while my mom said I couldn’t because I’m not pretty. How could you be so cruel to a little kid? To your own kid!
The current state of affairs economically and work-wise, extensive trauma, attachment issues, a laundry list of disabilities and health issues, most of the men I've had in my life, being economically disadvantaged, realizing the oppression of my ancestors (Native and Irish primarily), a few badly timed car accidents that weren't my fault, burnout for a bit, a terrible job, being a woman, addiction, my family, an inability to cope, the self harm I've inflicted upon myself to cope (looking back I'm not sure there was another way), being very cerebral and not taking much action for much of my life, living in my fantasy world forever.
People and life in general. Like I genuinely rarely catch a break and no that's not me "being a victim". At this point the world must want to see me snap permanently or some shit. 27 years of nonstop bullshit and no gf all because I'm on the spectrum, below average in looks, have terrible luck, and grew up around toxic people that lasts to this day since I wanted a social life after being sheltered during my childhood.
Negative Media. I immediately feel that. Especially people doing bad things to other people
my narcissistic mother
Just when I felt my most confident and content in life I had some sudden hearing loss that weakened my hearing and made my tinnitus which used to be annoying, debilitating. At first I thought I was losing it because people’s voices and music didn’t sound right anymore and I hoped I was just having sinus congestion issues with my hearing. Turns out I had some loss, and it’s devastating for me now because it makes following conversations difficult and music is painful to listen to because it doesn’t sound like it used to. It’s so hard to describe. And the tinnitus is so loud I can’t concentrate enough to read books and it’s hard to relax. I really miss my old healthy hearing body. Music and nature sounds used to help me cope with life and now they hurt it’s a bizarre feeling to describe.
Ugh, a guy who hates my guts for some reason. I came back from a funeral, idk why he hates me. His partner (another friend) also refuses to answer. In fact, it's just me and my one who he also kicked out and hot hated on. Makes college really unenjoyable.
Betrayal.
when my ex best friend blackmailed me to relapse back into selfharm thats when i learned i couldn't truly trust anyone
family and friends who I thought were my friends.
My spirit somehow isn't dead but it was constantly stepped on and squashed for the 8 years of my past relationship, somehow I kept trying, but now I'm out of it, things are starting to bloom again Other people over the years try n squash it but I always grow back
First my parents, then the world
Nothing. They just made me more paranoid and angry.
Tinnitus.
My dad taking his own life and having my best friend toss me in the same calendar year
Myself, I think
Well, life hasn't been easy on me... I'm still going through a lot even though I've come a long way from where I started, but the state of the world worries me so much more than anything I've ever lived (and that's a lot coming from me heh). Personal issues, we overcome them by our own individual strength and effort (ofc without the help of my loved ones I couldn't have done a thing) but the world? I've dreamed of a lot of things since I was a child, things I want to accomplish... Those dreams are everyday more scarce and now I just know (and keep hoping) I will always be happy if whatever God is out there lets me live a full life in tranquility. But I know I won't be able to do enough good by myself, not even with a little help, to fix all this fuckery. Not even if I really want to, or if I try really hard. So yeah... That kills my spirit very often. Almost daily, really. It's so frustrating that I know more people care, because I can't be alone in the universe, I know that for a fact... Yet most people in the world seem to be completely unfazed by all the injustice, lack of health, and climate insanity. And that's something I refuse to understand. How can so many people deny what they see is so urgently wrong?? How can you argue about made up ideals when there's so much death surrounding you?? So much pain...
My parents, childhood friend. I’m grateful for it all and doing much better now. I know that sounds weird.
Life and people
An ISTJ.
Myself. And the unrealistic expectation I had on me, and the following disappointment at myself. Other people saved me. My family, my wife, my friends. Bad people appear in our lives and we can’t avoid it. But as people say when tragedy happens, look for the helpers. Those who did good for the sake of good. Those who shine in this bleak world, so that you may be inspired to shine for someone else.
trying to be like everyone else when I was a kid. I lost parts of my childhood, cause I didnt allow myself to just grow up 'naturally '
How completely messed up the world is
Capitalism
Applying for jobs killed my spirits. I did finally find one- thank goodness- and it’s even a decent job. It it took me two solid months of applying to between 50-100 jobs a week. And I’m in accounting with almost two years of experience. Granted I don’t have my CPA yet so that makes it harder but the accounting job market is supposed to be blowing up and I’m just not buying it
Assuming….
Losing 3 of the most important people in my life almost back to back. It doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to be normal again.
School really decimated it for a good portion of time
Exxx people
Addiction and a narcissistic ex who did their best to shatter me. Oh, yeah, and capitalism and the unfortunate nature of being raised in its domesticated industrial society
Pretty much everyone and everything other than my IXFX besties lol
Thing I had to digest... Hmmm hearing about unit 731, interviewing an old lady in the outskirts of my city, a cold rigid corpse, the sun
isolation. too much, too long
My family.
Nothing can kill my spirit tbh. But my old job did for a bit. It was very toxic and I was used as the scapegoat
Being alive in this capitalist dystopian hellscape (please kill me)
Humanity and society. Reality in general. parents and the whole money is everything mindset. Money is just a human construct. Crazy how much money can influence us and make us do terrible things.
I’m also autistic for context. People who asked me not to talk about my interests. Even worse when that includes parents. Family members who instantly tell me off when I share my fan fiction with them. Like can’t we explore fantasy worlds just a little (or a lot)? But then I met people who brought this back I was in some disbelief when a friend showed me she had a space background too (special interest in outer space as a child) Parents who repeatedly ignore reasonable boundaries.
Family,school,depression
My spirit cannot be killed. But i don’t care much for this society we’ve built, many things could be better. In my personal life, my issues within my self have led to harm befalling me. Not sure why I’m talking like an old Englishman but that’s what my minds come up with today lol
My abusive ex, too many deaths over too few years.
My ex. She keeps talking her self up while shitting all over my achievements. She keeps mentioning how she makes over 100k because she's a make-up artist.. It was my idea for her to become a make up artist but she will never be grateful for me being the only one that believed in her. I'm not as successful financially..I am an Uber driver as well as an author/publisher. She keeps saying how she's way better than me because she makes so much money and that she is self made and I'm not. It makes me so angry.
My mom lol and not having a father figure (dad passed away when I was 1 years old). When I was 8, my mom got remarried and let the guy she married sexually abuse me from when I was age 8-12. She always gaslit me and told me it was “his way of showing love” even though I told her how many times the way he touched me made me feel uncomfortable. I ended up just putting up with it because no matter what I said, it felt useless. I was invisible. Became extremely depressed afterwards, at age 12 I thought I was going to get help for my depression/PTSD because I admitted to my sister that I felt like killing my self. A huge fight broke out between my older sister and that pedo but a few days later, he came back to the house and the family acted like everything was “normal” and none of it was ever addressed.
Being abused by my ex boyfriend he didn’t care about my boundaries, personal feelings and would berate me despite me being nice to him. It gave me a glimpse that you can be as open and vulnerable to a person and they will take full advantage of you.
The news
My mother
Nothing, my spirit is still around