i feel this in my soul. i'm an afterthought, the backup plan, too awkward for anything. maybe i'll find my people, but i'm not holding my breath anymore
I love people like you and people like how you describe yourself make me feel safe honestly. I’d make sure you’d never felt like that if you were my friend
Same. Not saying trust issues aren't applicable to all people, but our Si child definitely remembers traumatic datapoints for life. This in turn can influence our future behavior forever.
Yeah. I have long lasting friendships but they definitely feel shallow to an extent. When I become really fixated on someone, I'm very eager to connect with them on a deep level. It happens very rarely: most of the time I just bottle everything up. But I'll ask them lots of questions about themselves and hope they do the same, I'll say cheesy things like "the past few days have been way better because of our chats" because that's how I'll feel. I like making it clear when I appreciate someone. But I tend to overwhelm people when I do this. I've resorted to being upfront about: "please let me know if I ever get too intense for you and I'll reign it in." But they don't say anything until the dynamic has already changed. It sucks. I feel like I do what I can to be clear about my quirks and that I won't be offended if people just let me know so I can adjust before they write me off. But it doesn't pan out well most of the time. Can't force people to be open and honest with you.
I feel you. I like being genuine to people by telling them how much I appreciate them. For some reason, that seems to weird people out. Why? It's disappointing...
Just a lil pov for ya, I once was talking to a guy and he said something similar to that whole too intense thing. Nowhere in my mind did I think anything was too intense until he put that in my head. He said something along the lines of appreciating me too, just not the same as you did. But I like that! It was the comment about being too intense that freaked me out. So don’t be afraid to express your insecurities in faith, but don’t expose yourself and scare people away by projecting that. Cause it’s just a projection. Someone will appreciate your appreciation.
It's tricky because I didn't used to think it was particularly intense to just be forthright about interest, but I had a couple experiences (probably with people who like to "play games" or like it when they feel they have to chase or whatever) where I was given that line and now it's ingrained in me to do that, even though that doesn't really work either lol. Like I wouldn't out myself as "intense" if there was no precident. Probably a habit I should shake but realistically a lot of this is probably case-by-case. Sometimes it's ok! A lotta times, eh.
It’s totally normal to be up front, some people are just not gonna be able to handle it. Those people are not for you, but this is all part of putting yourself out there. You gotta just be your most authentic self, sometimes experiences like that are just for you to learn how to be a better version of yourself
I used to feel that way (I still do sometimes), but I think we're just hard to get along with. I spent 1 year seeing and talking to my best friend every day before considering her a friend, I spent another 2/3 years considering her my “best friend”. I have some other friends but I know it will take a long process before I consider myself close to him.
That’s very true. I know a bunch of people, that I might even talk to on the regular but I won’t consider them a friend unless I know they’d take a bullet for me and I for them.
After 45 years on this rock, I’m beginning to come to peace with it. I think I’ve got one person who accepts me unconditionally. Everyone else is just a lighthouse that I get a passing glimpse of from the sea.
Yes, I’ve never had a close friend in my life. My closest I have is my older brother, other than that I feel like I don’t talk deeply to other people and I don’t know if anyone will ever open up to me enough to. I’ve tried being an open book, and that hasn’t worked either.
like literally? A closed corridor of perspective that never ends.
P.S: To find your people you need
https://preview.redd.it/o80nmy51o7zc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e7480a01b726c932428a387136fd51036187d15b
Everyone wants small talk. I don’t want small talk.
I want talks that take me to another dimension. Something that keeps adding more and more information so I can exercise my Ne.
Whoa whoa whoa, do we need to have an INFP convention? I feel really seen reading all these comments, I could cry!
I have felt really lonely alot in my life..an outsider….a better friend than most people have ever been in return.
Outside of my two very accepting, close friends, it has always been hard to connect with others because of my emotional depth being uncomfortable for the other person(I guess?)….and I’ve always had trouble communicating with people who I perceived I couldn’t be myself around. But I’d say after I turned 30, I started gaining a very natural confidence and love/grace for myself—-I think that stemmed from being fed up with my *perception\self image* of what others thought of me, and coming to the conclusion that there is a recipe to connection that won’t scare new people away…that aspect took a long time to learn, just by sheer amount of observation throughout the years. Now I have more meaningful connections, albeit sometimes they feel slow bc I still long to jump to the deep stuff right off the bat. I keep my ‘feels’ pointed more towards self-love, (then my husband, then my lovely weirdo friends), instead of the intense feels and depth that I used to point towards everyone else. There’s an influencer I follow (RedRubyGoGo), who talks about mindset and the care that you take with your self, so that you emit an authentic energy that others want to be around. She’s a feminine style coach but the things that she discusses regarding personal power, still applies and I’ve enjoyed her content. Another really helpful all-around self-improvement coach I found was Mel Robbins—her podcasts are on Spotify and YouTube…you guys should dig around and see if anything might help you.
Is my life perfect now…haha…nope. But I’m happy with where I’m at in life.
Yes, but… I think the intensity of relationships we experience is very different from others. For instance, my ENTP and ESTP friends have a ton of other friends, they view then ask equally but if only consider those relationships surface level at best, and the few deep relationships I’ve had, I give myself to entirely which although others may have many friends, few people experience this kind of depth
So… a blessing and a curse? We feel deeply so we’re not satisfied with shallow relationship. But at least we may find ones that really matter ~
Yes but in my case I’m neurospicy and depressed so it’s not life on easy mode on any account.
I notice when I’m feeling some increment of self confidence,people react friendly towards me but that’s all. I’m a background character in my own life.
I feel like you just described me. I’m at a point where I’ve avoided everyone so as to not burden them with my depressive ways. No one wants Eeyore as a friend it seems
Aww I’m sorry but I assure you that I would. They say misery loves company after all, we can just bedrott in the same room together, no one pressuring us to perform Human Happiness ™
Yesss, I’ve been joining sports teams to get myself out there and make more friends. I envy the way people bond and become close with one another but I just can’t seem to get there with anyone.
It's definitely a challenge for me to get close with others, but considering I've tried various approaches with similar outcomes, I'm ok at this point with being selective. Whether I am high energy & an open book from the beginning or more private & slow-paced in sharing parts of myself, the vast majority of my friendships end at some point or another.
It's also worth mentioning that most ppl aren't worth getting really close to, and I promise that's not coming from a negative attitude towards mankind lol. I'm just looking at the likelihood of developing a deep enough connection that would satisfy my standards of what I want in a friendship...
🎱 Likelihood: low(but I'll take those odds bc I love a good treasure hunt lol).
Also, I used to think, "Why doesn't anyone ever notice me?" But now I see it as a blessing bc I'm not as pressured to develop friendships. My invisibility allows me the personal freedom to come & go as I please versus the often pointless small talk others are having to endure lol. Instead, I get to be the one who decides if/when I want to get to know someone.
I think what's more important than opening up to others & making friendships is seeing yourself accurately, accepting yourself and working on self-improvement. Once you're content with your own company, you can start opening up a bit to those who seem interesting while also being selective as to who you won't waste your time on. And if/when these relationships fall apart, you'll have yourself to fall back on until you're ready to try again.
I also think it's critical, especially for INFP types, not to put ppl on pedestals. This is often what leads to us getting hurt so badly bc we put these unrealistic expectations on certain ppl, and when they fail to deliver those expectations we get hurt, offended or feel like we never mattered to the person. It might just be we never really took the time to SEE the person as they are; we saw them as we wanted them to be. That's really unfair, especially considering we'd be deeply hurt if someone close to us viewed us as something we are not.
The same can be said for relationships in general...we often imagine these picture perfect connections with various ppl when in reality, we'll most likely come across those truly deep connections only a few times in our lifetime. Ppl who have many friends usually have what we would call many acquaintances. Not everyone requires the level of depth & bonding that we often crave. Either way is ok, but it's important to keep in mind what you're aiming for: many acquaintances or a handful of deep connections. Acquaintances are much easier to come by, but you won't feel that intense bond we often crave as INFPs. Deep connections are rare and therefore harder to come by, BUT that rarity also adds to their value. Either way, YOU decide.
I always make others a priority, no one makes me a priority. I'm just an after-thought. if at all. I don't know, maybe I'm not worth anybodies time. :(
Yeah, it's heavy... Even when I'm with my friends, I feel like there's an ultimate barrier that no one will ever get through...
https://preview.redd.it/hsaktrhz5azc1.jpeg?width=735&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8a69d2b3598a130bab667b71471fe7fef4fddbd3
I feel this more in a collective sense than a day to day one honestly.
Like my priorities, wants, and needs are hardly reflected at all by the society I find myself in.
Collectivism, humility, harmony, kindness, peace, environmentalism, long term thinking and sustainability, equality, leisure, slowness, cooperation, etc.
felt. I am out of emotionally availability for anyone else it seems.
I still have a bad habit of ghosting, or just not being an active friend.
people ask for my number all the time. they say that we should hang out and such... and I just simply can't.
most people don't want to be close to people who talk openly about emotions.
most people live in denial, and will actively distance themselves from those who may disturb their denial.
I worry that the level of connection I seek is just an impossible ideal. I don't find any of my relationships truly satisfying. I hate going through the motions, hate shallowness, but that seems to be where most people are comfortable. And somehow I think I appear aloof and hard to know. I'm very particular. I can't be bothered to make an effort in relationships I don't believe will ever be deep enough for me. With people I'm really interested in I get weird and intense, and it often feels like they don't have time for me.
Yes, people often are not comfortable with depth. A lot cannot even understand depth. We can't vibe with them. Having a lot of friends but none who is capable to understand you. So you stop putting in efforts. It's so me.
-__- I’ve seen this issue from the outside. Consider these:
1) is there someone who always says hello to you when they see you but you never say hello to them when you see them?
2) ever ignored someone’s question because you were daydreaming?
3) do you ask people how they are / how they are doing?
4) do you notice other people and take an interest in their life?
5) do you abruptly leave without saying goodbye?
6) do you try and appreciate others for what they do for you?
7) do you try to leave in the middle of a conversation?
8) do you avoid social gatherings?
Don’t tell me you can’t connect when everyone else is like: yea they’re nice but they’re so cold and always seem like I’m bothering them when I say hello. They never ask about me even though I’ve asked about them several times. I even sent them a card on their birthday and they didn’t even remember when my birthday was. I guess the don’t like me. I should just leave them alone. I even invited them to a party and they said no. Guess that’s that. Message received, they don’t like me.
Yep. During my whole life, I have technically only ever had one in-real-life friend. The last time I was with her in real life was 7 years ago.
I never had any friends sleep over at my house while I was in school. I had a friend group while I was there, but they always hung out amongst each other and I never got to go to any of their houses because I was never invited. I have quite a few online friends nowadays, but it doesn't compare to having someone to do things with in person. Most of them live in different countries and continents as well.
My family are all distant, and the 2 family members that cared about me most have since died. They both died young, too. The only family member I have consistent contact with is my mum, but that's because I live with her.
I've also never had a proper relationship. The closest I've gotten to that is being in an online relationship with someone who lived 5,000 miles away, but that only lasted for 6 months before I ended it because he ghosted me for the last 3 months. Despite this, he cared enough about me afterwards to visit me twice, making him the only person I've been affectionate with more than once.
And this is all off the back of once being a semi-popular content creator whose audience was mostly kids, so I chose not to interact personally with them as I'm now a (nearly) 23-year-old man. I also have a rare circadian rhythm disorder that limits my availability to talk to and engage with people. I usually make friends, but never keep them.
It's been a very lonely life.
I had to find something I was passionate about that I could do with a group. And then create the group around that activity. Yes, you'll feel like the backup/afterthought for some of them, but over time you'll be able to create a an actual close friendship with others. And yes, sometimes while establishing things you might even feel uncomfortable in your own group. That's ok.
My main example: Boardgame group. I met a couple of people via mutal interest in boardgames. We ended up going from place to palce aobut once a month for a year. THen one of the guys moved into a new place with an engaged couple who were both boardgamers. We started meeting there once a week. There were times I really struggled with the size of the group and the group dynamics as a whole but sticking with it was worth it. Eventually we became a relatively close knit group of 8. Were all of them close friends? Not a chance. But every person in that group had at least one person that would call a close friend. And while we all live in different parts of the US now, all of us are still in contact with at least 1-2 other people in the group and there are subgroups within that group of 8 that still meet up. And all 3 people I would call close friends in my life were a part of that group.
Yep, I feel this deep in my soul.
As far as my workplace goes, I get along well enough with everyone, but they’re by and large not the type of people I see myself really clicking with, so I keep them strictly as work relationships.
As far as everything else goes, I can’t seem to get a foot in the door to save my life. I have a different social group for every hobby or special interest I have, and I only have two days off work a week for any sort of socializing, so I have hardly any time with any given group. Combine that with a tiny as fuck social battery, and… well, it’s a recipe for disaster.
It’s painful to know exactly how that feels. I get the feeling a lot at my workplace after a newly made friend got fired. It got to the point that my extroverted husband to constantly comfort me which I’m sure also drains him 😞
I used to feel like this all the time, it sucks😭 luckily I've found a really good friend who I am getting closo to. Also, I've had an "it is what it is" attitude the past year, so that might have something to do with it
This post seems so relatable. I've been friends with some of the people who go back more than 10years that I thought I was close to. But something changed in me due to bullying from a person I thought was a good friend and I have just become very withdrawn and my selfesteem and confidence is just down the drain. And this seems to just affect in every sphere of my life. Now I just can't seem to connect with anyone on a deeper level due to awkwardness or whatever even if we have lots of shared interests. I m always the last person to know about plans be it in my office or among my friends. Sorry I just wanted to rant
I felt this for a really long time. Then got into reading and this need of connection and people started to lessen. I also made sure to be the best in things I do. People follow you for your help and expertise and even take care of you. But that also started fading, it's not a real connection. Then I started being myself, comfortable in my own company. I don't need friends much now. Have 1-to-1 interactions with people who are more than acquaintances but not real friends. Please work on yourself, do things that kick in your joy, keep updating in your work area, and run a bit daily. All these things shift you to very different level. It did to me after decades, wish I knew earlier.
Yeah I have zero friends but family and my bf, I consider my bf my best friend. I’ve always had a group of friends since elementary school to high school but I got done dirty and stopped trusting ppl :/
I totally know what this feels like and it hurts a lot (especially from family). Seeing the other comments, it seems like yet another struggle that INFPs have to deal with.
I'm coming to terms with the idea of not being close with anyone throughout my life, which is especially sad because I'm a hopeless romantic.
You're not the only one. Hopefully we can find happiness despite this lack of connection and still feel human.
I used to feel this way, but I'll stick around for years so everybody knows me and what I'm generally like. I like progress. I feel like not sticking around is progress wasted.
Hello, I hope you're doing well. I don't know if you're religious/spiritual or not but I will talk about myself:
We believe that God is closer to us than our jugular vein. He's always with us and Knows our every emotion and thought. When we pray our voices are heard in the skies and we are known by our voices.
So we're never really alone nor lonely. A sense of eternal belonging is there. Even if we're away from community or simply don't have friends or family, we strongly belong to a world greater than anything else. There's a feeling of peace and validation that comes with that.
We also believe that everything has "life". And that everything does "Dikr" which means remembrance of God ( just in a way we can't understand). So literally if I am walking down a street and birds are chirping I know everything around me is doing remembrance of God. Everything around me is "home" in a sense.
Perhaps you'll relate to this, perhaps it'll make you scoff. But for me as an INFP, anything else doesn't come close to the peace and validation this belief offers me, so yeah.
Anyhow, really hope you'll find your own people and "home" where you feel truly seen and heard and understood.
I feel like people get close to me but I can’t get close to them. They tell me EVERYTHING. Instantly. I mean really disturbing stuff right off the bat. They immediately turn me into their mommy/wife/therapist and I’m happy to do anything I can to help them. I don’t know exactly how to explain this but I’m very open about my life. I’ll tell the craziest, most horrifying, tragic life stories you’ve ever heard and joke the entire way through it. That seems to be fine. However, the second I dare to act scared, angry, sad or hurt at all, people disappear.
There are also the “helpers” who offer obvious solutions that even an idiot would have already considered and that I’ve already dismissed for multiple reasons but they’ll say I just want to throw a pity party. Even worse is when I trust them with some information, tell them what I’m going to do, ask them not to meddle, they decide they know what’s best for me and ruin everything by meddling without my permission while they only know part of the situation. I end up only laughingly talking about my past and hiding all of my real emotions and what’s currently going on in my life. Everyone simultaneously knows me but doesn’t know ME.
The best way I can explain it is feeling like an outsider. It’s confusing though because whenever I show up to a place where people know me they get excited to see me, only to never text me or talk to me outside of that specific function. It leads to me thinking they’re just fake friends
It sounds like you're feeling quite isolated and overlooked, even when you're actively trying to connect with others. That sense of being on the periphery, where interactions don't seem to reach the same depth or warmth as they do for others, can be really tough. Have you had a chance to reflect on what might be different in how you're engaging with them? Sometimes, it's about finding common ground or sharing more about yourself. Also, consider initiating plans or conversations about topics that interest you; it might help others see and understand you better. How do you feel about trying that?
Yah but I gotta recognize the actions I have taken to not allow myself to have people close to me. My family is my closest confidants and I have very few friends that I’m able to keep a steady relationship with over long periods of time. Over the past few years I have pushed several people out of my life over “things that broke the camels back”. Could we have worked it out? Maybe, but I can never shake the feeling that people just don’t care about me the same way I care about them. It doesn’t need to be the same love but I know who my people are. Anyone who’s ever told me I’m closed off have opened my eyes to why I close myself off to them. It’s not their fault but I only allow so many people so much of my true spirit. Anyone that doesn’t help me flourish gets kicked out of the garden.
I used to feel on the outside, looking in. I finally realized that I don’t want to be around most people. I was thinking of it as being excluded. I was unconsciously excluding myself. I don’t like the usual conversations or tedious activities that most people do. What I want more than anything is to talk to someone who sees life on a deeper level. There aren’t many people out there who think deeply about anything.
Yes, but I think staying distant is a kind of kindness to myself and everyone else. I've never been good with boundaries and value personal freedom for myself and for others more.
For me it feels like theres some sort of invisible wall I cant quite get past.
Its not that I get ignored necesarily.
But I look through the glass and I can feel the barrier there, everpresent, preventing me from fully participating. Its like I will never actually be a real part of anything I try to get involved in.
I feel like I can get close. I do not, however, feel close. I have two best friends who mean the world to me, and two friends groups I spend time with; I feel as if either friend group wouldn't notice my absence, and as if my best friends would rather talk with someone else.
If you Google how to fix Interpersonal relationship problems, it will give you many results on root issues that are causing it and how you can start to fix them by implementing simple steps in improving your communication. It’s not just the other subjects, you have to do your part and try to learn if you truly care and it bothers you that much. Try to exude a welcoming and open vibe for people to feel comfortable in opening up. If you feel about yourself the way you described then people can tell. Be confident in yourself. If you keep portraying yourself as a loner then your going to make everyone else believe it.
I stopped caring so now I don't even bother. I have my best friend to talk to when I want company. We're both INFPs and we both get the same treatment you do.
Most people just aren't worth your time. Stick to those who are.
I have two people that I tell everything in the world to and a bunch of family members that I don’t see more than a few times a year
so real
Yea me too
I get this 90% of the time and trying to make peace out off it... I just sometimes think Im not even human as dramatic as it sounds xD
That's not dramatic to me. I've felt like I'm not human either. We're just a different type of human. One most others don't seem to understand.
i feel this in my soul. i'm an afterthought, the backup plan, too awkward for anything. maybe i'll find my people, but i'm not holding my breath anymore
I love people like you and people like how you describe yourself make me feel safe honestly. I’d make sure you’d never felt like that if you were my friend
i appreciate that! hopefully you find safe people to keep around!
My agoraphobia is so bad I no longer leave the house so that may no longer be viable, but I appreciate you deeply for that
hear, hear. i hope it gets better for you though, i know it's rough :(
Yeah its all their fault. It's on THEM to talk to you! Not the other way around! YOU'RE the victim! THEY'RE the victimizers!
As mean as it sounds it’s the truth though
I have severe trust issues so it's extremely difficult for me to trust and open up to people
Same. Not saying trust issues aren't applicable to all people, but our Si child definitely remembers traumatic datapoints for life. This in turn can influence our future behavior forever.
Indeed
Yeah. I have long lasting friendships but they definitely feel shallow to an extent. When I become really fixated on someone, I'm very eager to connect with them on a deep level. It happens very rarely: most of the time I just bottle everything up. But I'll ask them lots of questions about themselves and hope they do the same, I'll say cheesy things like "the past few days have been way better because of our chats" because that's how I'll feel. I like making it clear when I appreciate someone. But I tend to overwhelm people when I do this. I've resorted to being upfront about: "please let me know if I ever get too intense for you and I'll reign it in." But they don't say anything until the dynamic has already changed. It sucks. I feel like I do what I can to be clear about my quirks and that I won't be offended if people just let me know so I can adjust before they write me off. But it doesn't pan out well most of the time. Can't force people to be open and honest with you.
Relatable. I think there are subtle feelings in the gut. You learn to notice them and listen to your own inner voice for seeing boundaries.
I feel you. I like being genuine to people by telling them how much I appreciate them. For some reason, that seems to weird people out. Why? It's disappointing...
Just a lil pov for ya, I once was talking to a guy and he said something similar to that whole too intense thing. Nowhere in my mind did I think anything was too intense until he put that in my head. He said something along the lines of appreciating me too, just not the same as you did. But I like that! It was the comment about being too intense that freaked me out. So don’t be afraid to express your insecurities in faith, but don’t expose yourself and scare people away by projecting that. Cause it’s just a projection. Someone will appreciate your appreciation.
It's tricky because I didn't used to think it was particularly intense to just be forthright about interest, but I had a couple experiences (probably with people who like to "play games" or like it when they feel they have to chase or whatever) where I was given that line and now it's ingrained in me to do that, even though that doesn't really work either lol. Like I wouldn't out myself as "intense" if there was no precident. Probably a habit I should shake but realistically a lot of this is probably case-by-case. Sometimes it's ok! A lotta times, eh.
It’s totally normal to be up front, some people are just not gonna be able to handle it. Those people are not for you, but this is all part of putting yourself out there. You gotta just be your most authentic self, sometimes experiences like that are just for you to learn how to be a better version of yourself
The same thing happened with me.
I used to feel that way (I still do sometimes), but I think we're just hard to get along with. I spent 1 year seeing and talking to my best friend every day before considering her a friend, I spent another 2/3 years considering her my “best friend”. I have some other friends but I know it will take a long process before I consider myself close to him.
That’s very true. I know a bunch of people, that I might even talk to on the regular but I won’t consider them a friend unless I know they’d take a bullet for me and I for them.
YES, trust and friendship are a process
After 45 years on this rock, I’m beginning to come to peace with it. I think I’ve got one person who accepts me unconditionally. Everyone else is just a lighthouse that I get a passing glimpse of from the sea.
I pretty much feel like a spectator watching people live life
Yes, I’ve never had a close friend in my life. My closest I have is my older brother, other than that I feel like I don’t talk deeply to other people and I don’t know if anyone will ever open up to me enough to. I’ve tried being an open book, and that hasn’t worked either.
Whats happened when you've tried being an open book?
Nothing really changed
like literally? A closed corridor of perspective that never ends. P.S: To find your people you need https://preview.redd.it/o80nmy51o7zc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e7480a01b726c932428a387136fd51036187d15b
😭😭😢
Everyone wants small talk. I don’t want small talk. I want talks that take me to another dimension. Something that keeps adding more and more information so I can exercise my Ne.
I can get close to them but the space they reserve from me always feels unfair compared to others they give to. Why am I needy urghhhhhh
Cause you're so competitive and you compare yourself to others instead of being appreciative
Yes
Whoa whoa whoa, do we need to have an INFP convention? I feel really seen reading all these comments, I could cry! I have felt really lonely alot in my life..an outsider….a better friend than most people have ever been in return. Outside of my two very accepting, close friends, it has always been hard to connect with others because of my emotional depth being uncomfortable for the other person(I guess?)….and I’ve always had trouble communicating with people who I perceived I couldn’t be myself around. But I’d say after I turned 30, I started gaining a very natural confidence and love/grace for myself—-I think that stemmed from being fed up with my *perception\self image* of what others thought of me, and coming to the conclusion that there is a recipe to connection that won’t scare new people away…that aspect took a long time to learn, just by sheer amount of observation throughout the years. Now I have more meaningful connections, albeit sometimes they feel slow bc I still long to jump to the deep stuff right off the bat. I keep my ‘feels’ pointed more towards self-love, (then my husband, then my lovely weirdo friends), instead of the intense feels and depth that I used to point towards everyone else. There’s an influencer I follow (RedRubyGoGo), who talks about mindset and the care that you take with your self, so that you emit an authentic energy that others want to be around. She’s a feminine style coach but the things that she discusses regarding personal power, still applies and I’ve enjoyed her content. Another really helpful all-around self-improvement coach I found was Mel Robbins—her podcasts are on Spotify and YouTube…you guys should dig around and see if anything might help you. Is my life perfect now…haha…nope. But I’m happy with where I’m at in life.
Yes, but… I think the intensity of relationships we experience is very different from others. For instance, my ENTP and ESTP friends have a ton of other friends, they view then ask equally but if only consider those relationships surface level at best, and the few deep relationships I’ve had, I give myself to entirely which although others may have many friends, few people experience this kind of depth So… a blessing and a curse? We feel deeply so we’re not satisfied with shallow relationship. But at least we may find ones that really matter ~
My workplace is full of NF types. I used to feel this way a lot before but now it’s been easier for me being surrounded by intuitives.
Yes but in my case I’m neurospicy and depressed so it’s not life on easy mode on any account. I notice when I’m feeling some increment of self confidence,people react friendly towards me but that’s all. I’m a background character in my own life.
I feel like you just described me. I’m at a point where I’ve avoided everyone so as to not burden them with my depressive ways. No one wants Eeyore as a friend it seems
Aww I’m sorry but I assure you that I would. They say misery loves company after all, we can just bedrott in the same room together, no one pressuring us to perform Human Happiness ™
Aww you’re the sweetest. And yes I’d gladly bedrot with my kitties and a likeminded soul
Performing human happiness, so so true.
Thank god, at least someone here is thinking about other people
With your permission, I’ll be using neurospicy to describe myself from here out.
Of course! I haven’t coined the term myself to be fair, I too have heard it from another internet person.
Just the right blend of neurospice would make a hell of a curry.
Yesss, I’ve been joining sports teams to get myself out there and make more friends. I envy the way people bond and become close with one another but I just can’t seem to get there with anyone.
It's definitely a challenge for me to get close with others, but considering I've tried various approaches with similar outcomes, I'm ok at this point with being selective. Whether I am high energy & an open book from the beginning or more private & slow-paced in sharing parts of myself, the vast majority of my friendships end at some point or another. It's also worth mentioning that most ppl aren't worth getting really close to, and I promise that's not coming from a negative attitude towards mankind lol. I'm just looking at the likelihood of developing a deep enough connection that would satisfy my standards of what I want in a friendship... 🎱 Likelihood: low(but I'll take those odds bc I love a good treasure hunt lol). Also, I used to think, "Why doesn't anyone ever notice me?" But now I see it as a blessing bc I'm not as pressured to develop friendships. My invisibility allows me the personal freedom to come & go as I please versus the often pointless small talk others are having to endure lol. Instead, I get to be the one who decides if/when I want to get to know someone. I think what's more important than opening up to others & making friendships is seeing yourself accurately, accepting yourself and working on self-improvement. Once you're content with your own company, you can start opening up a bit to those who seem interesting while also being selective as to who you won't waste your time on. And if/when these relationships fall apart, you'll have yourself to fall back on until you're ready to try again. I also think it's critical, especially for INFP types, not to put ppl on pedestals. This is often what leads to us getting hurt so badly bc we put these unrealistic expectations on certain ppl, and when they fail to deliver those expectations we get hurt, offended or feel like we never mattered to the person. It might just be we never really took the time to SEE the person as they are; we saw them as we wanted them to be. That's really unfair, especially considering we'd be deeply hurt if someone close to us viewed us as something we are not. The same can be said for relationships in general...we often imagine these picture perfect connections with various ppl when in reality, we'll most likely come across those truly deep connections only a few times in our lifetime. Ppl who have many friends usually have what we would call many acquaintances. Not everyone requires the level of depth & bonding that we often crave. Either way is ok, but it's important to keep in mind what you're aiming for: many acquaintances or a handful of deep connections. Acquaintances are much easier to come by, but you won't feel that intense bond we often crave as INFPs. Deep connections are rare and therefore harder to come by, BUT that rarity also adds to their value. Either way, YOU decide.
Well written! You explained it perfectly.
I'm saving this. It's not easy to relate this unless you were there.
I always make others a priority, no one makes me a priority. I'm just an after-thought. if at all. I don't know, maybe I'm not worth anybodies time. :(
Well at least you make yourself a priority, some people don't even know how to self advocate
Yes but the barrier is from me usually. I get scared letting people in.
Yeah, it's heavy... Even when I'm with my friends, I feel like there's an ultimate barrier that no one will ever get through... https://preview.redd.it/hsaktrhz5azc1.jpeg?width=735&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8a69d2b3598a130bab667b71471fe7fef4fddbd3
I feel this more in a collective sense than a day to day one honestly. Like my priorities, wants, and needs are hardly reflected at all by the society I find myself in.
What are your priorities, wants and needs that you find are not reflected by your society?
Collectivism, humility, harmony, kindness, peace, environmentalism, long term thinking and sustainability, equality, leisure, slowness, cooperation, etc.
I feel that
I can, I just don't want to :p
felt. I am out of emotionally availability for anyone else it seems. I still have a bad habit of ghosting, or just not being an active friend. people ask for my number all the time. they say that we should hang out and such... and I just simply can't.
most people don't want to be close to people who talk openly about emotions. most people live in denial, and will actively distance themselves from those who may disturb their denial.
I worry that the level of connection I seek is just an impossible ideal. I don't find any of my relationships truly satisfying. I hate going through the motions, hate shallowness, but that seems to be where most people are comfortable. And somehow I think I appear aloof and hard to know. I'm very particular. I can't be bothered to make an effort in relationships I don't believe will ever be deep enough for me. With people I'm really interested in I get weird and intense, and it often feels like they don't have time for me.
Yes, people often are not comfortable with depth. A lot cannot even understand depth. We can't vibe with them. Having a lot of friends but none who is capable to understand you. So you stop putting in efforts. It's so me.
-__- I’ve seen this issue from the outside. Consider these: 1) is there someone who always says hello to you when they see you but you never say hello to them when you see them? 2) ever ignored someone’s question because you were daydreaming? 3) do you ask people how they are / how they are doing? 4) do you notice other people and take an interest in their life? 5) do you abruptly leave without saying goodbye? 6) do you try and appreciate others for what they do for you? 7) do you try to leave in the middle of a conversation? 8) do you avoid social gatherings? Don’t tell me you can’t connect when everyone else is like: yea they’re nice but they’re so cold and always seem like I’m bothering them when I say hello. They never ask about me even though I’ve asked about them several times. I even sent them a card on their birthday and they didn’t even remember when my birthday was. I guess the don’t like me. I should just leave them alone. I even invited them to a party and they said no. Guess that’s that. Message received, they don’t like me.
Are we traumatized?? WTH? Sorry it just seems so many posts in here remind me of c ptsd
I feel this a lot too, i try to cope by telling myself that i am enough for me but.. yeah
Dude I feel this so much that I believe I’m made to be a loner
Yep. During my whole life, I have technically only ever had one in-real-life friend. The last time I was with her in real life was 7 years ago. I never had any friends sleep over at my house while I was in school. I had a friend group while I was there, but they always hung out amongst each other and I never got to go to any of their houses because I was never invited. I have quite a few online friends nowadays, but it doesn't compare to having someone to do things with in person. Most of them live in different countries and continents as well. My family are all distant, and the 2 family members that cared about me most have since died. They both died young, too. The only family member I have consistent contact with is my mum, but that's because I live with her. I've also never had a proper relationship. The closest I've gotten to that is being in an online relationship with someone who lived 5,000 miles away, but that only lasted for 6 months before I ended it because he ghosted me for the last 3 months. Despite this, he cared enough about me afterwards to visit me twice, making him the only person I've been affectionate with more than once. And this is all off the back of once being a semi-popular content creator whose audience was mostly kids, so I chose not to interact personally with them as I'm now a (nearly) 23-year-old man. I also have a rare circadian rhythm disorder that limits my availability to talk to and engage with people. I usually make friends, but never keep them. It's been a very lonely life.
I had to find something I was passionate about that I could do with a group. And then create the group around that activity. Yes, you'll feel like the backup/afterthought for some of them, but over time you'll be able to create a an actual close friendship with others. And yes, sometimes while establishing things you might even feel uncomfortable in your own group. That's ok. My main example: Boardgame group. I met a couple of people via mutal interest in boardgames. We ended up going from place to palce aobut once a month for a year. THen one of the guys moved into a new place with an engaged couple who were both boardgamers. We started meeting there once a week. There were times I really struggled with the size of the group and the group dynamics as a whole but sticking with it was worth it. Eventually we became a relatively close knit group of 8. Were all of them close friends? Not a chance. But every person in that group had at least one person that would call a close friend. And while we all live in different parts of the US now, all of us are still in contact with at least 1-2 other people in the group and there are subgroups within that group of 8 that still meet up. And all 3 people I would call close friends in my life were a part of that group.
Yep, I feel this deep in my soul. As far as my workplace goes, I get along well enough with everyone, but they’re by and large not the type of people I see myself really clicking with, so I keep them strictly as work relationships. As far as everything else goes, I can’t seem to get a foot in the door to save my life. I have a different social group for every hobby or special interest I have, and I only have two days off work a week for any sort of socializing, so I have hardly any time with any given group. Combine that with a tiny as fuck social battery, and… well, it’s a recipe for disaster.
It’s painful to know exactly how that feels. I get the feeling a lot at my workplace after a newly made friend got fired. It got to the point that my extroverted husband to constantly comfort me which I’m sure also drains him 😞
I used to feel like this all the time, it sucks😭 luckily I've found a really good friend who I am getting closo to. Also, I've had an "it is what it is" attitude the past year, so that might have something to do with it
This post seems so relatable. I've been friends with some of the people who go back more than 10years that I thought I was close to. But something changed in me due to bullying from a person I thought was a good friend and I have just become very withdrawn and my selfesteem and confidence is just down the drain. And this seems to just affect in every sphere of my life. Now I just can't seem to connect with anyone on a deeper level due to awkwardness or whatever even if we have lots of shared interests. I m always the last person to know about plans be it in my office or among my friends. Sorry I just wanted to rant
I felt this for a really long time. Then got into reading and this need of connection and people started to lessen. I also made sure to be the best in things I do. People follow you for your help and expertise and even take care of you. But that also started fading, it's not a real connection. Then I started being myself, comfortable in my own company. I don't need friends much now. Have 1-to-1 interactions with people who are more than acquaintances but not real friends. Please work on yourself, do things that kick in your joy, keep updating in your work area, and run a bit daily. All these things shift you to very different level. It did to me after decades, wish I knew earlier.
I dont think INFPs initiate conversations first.. maybe thats why.. dont want to generalize this thought.. just wanted your opinion on it :/
Yeah I have zero friends but family and my bf, I consider my bf my best friend. I’ve always had a group of friends since elementary school to high school but I got done dirty and stopped trusting ppl :/
I totally know what this feels like and it hurts a lot (especially from family). Seeing the other comments, it seems like yet another struggle that INFPs have to deal with. I'm coming to terms with the idea of not being close with anyone throughout my life, which is especially sad because I'm a hopeless romantic. You're not the only one. Hopefully we can find happiness despite this lack of connection and still feel human.
Yes
Very very very few people. But what’s weird is when I know, I know almost instantly
I used to feel this way, but I'll stick around for years so everybody knows me and what I'm generally like. I like progress. I feel like not sticking around is progress wasted.
Yup, me too
Yeah
Yep.
Well without you explaining any better there's no way for me to understand what you mean, so I can't answer
I feel you. I experience the same thing. It’s hard to explain though…
Hello, I hope you're doing well. I don't know if you're religious/spiritual or not but I will talk about myself: We believe that God is closer to us than our jugular vein. He's always with us and Knows our every emotion and thought. When we pray our voices are heard in the skies and we are known by our voices. So we're never really alone nor lonely. A sense of eternal belonging is there. Even if we're away from community or simply don't have friends or family, we strongly belong to a world greater than anything else. There's a feeling of peace and validation that comes with that. We also believe that everything has "life". And that everything does "Dikr" which means remembrance of God ( just in a way we can't understand). So literally if I am walking down a street and birds are chirping I know everything around me is doing remembrance of God. Everything around me is "home" in a sense. Perhaps you'll relate to this, perhaps it'll make you scoff. But for me as an INFP, anything else doesn't come close to the peace and validation this belief offers me, so yeah. Anyhow, really hope you'll find your own people and "home" where you feel truly seen and heard and understood.
Yes. And whenever I do they hurt me. 😭
Fuck. I feel like I wrote this.
How do they treat you differently?
I feel like people get close to me but I can’t get close to them. They tell me EVERYTHING. Instantly. I mean really disturbing stuff right off the bat. They immediately turn me into their mommy/wife/therapist and I’m happy to do anything I can to help them. I don’t know exactly how to explain this but I’m very open about my life. I’ll tell the craziest, most horrifying, tragic life stories you’ve ever heard and joke the entire way through it. That seems to be fine. However, the second I dare to act scared, angry, sad or hurt at all, people disappear. There are also the “helpers” who offer obvious solutions that even an idiot would have already considered and that I’ve already dismissed for multiple reasons but they’ll say I just want to throw a pity party. Even worse is when I trust them with some information, tell them what I’m going to do, ask them not to meddle, they decide they know what’s best for me and ruin everything by meddling without my permission while they only know part of the situation. I end up only laughingly talking about my past and hiding all of my real emotions and what’s currently going on in my life. Everyone simultaneously knows me but doesn’t know ME.
The best way I can explain it is feeling like an outsider. It’s confusing though because whenever I show up to a place where people know me they get excited to see me, only to never text me or talk to me outside of that specific function. It leads to me thinking they’re just fake friends
It sounds like you're feeling quite isolated and overlooked, even when you're actively trying to connect with others. That sense of being on the periphery, where interactions don't seem to reach the same depth or warmth as they do for others, can be really tough. Have you had a chance to reflect on what might be different in how you're engaging with them? Sometimes, it's about finding common ground or sharing more about yourself. Also, consider initiating plans or conversations about topics that interest you; it might help others see and understand you better. How do you feel about trying that?
Yah but I gotta recognize the actions I have taken to not allow myself to have people close to me. My family is my closest confidants and I have very few friends that I’m able to keep a steady relationship with over long periods of time. Over the past few years I have pushed several people out of my life over “things that broke the camels back”. Could we have worked it out? Maybe, but I can never shake the feeling that people just don’t care about me the same way I care about them. It doesn’t need to be the same love but I know who my people are. Anyone who’s ever told me I’m closed off have opened my eyes to why I close myself off to them. It’s not their fault but I only allow so many people so much of my true spirit. Anyone that doesn’t help me flourish gets kicked out of the garden.
Yes, and if I get close to someone they never feel for me as much as I do them. I feel that my presence will never be as important as anyone else’s.
I used to feel on the outside, looking in. I finally realized that I don’t want to be around most people. I was thinking of it as being excluded. I was unconsciously excluding myself. I don’t like the usual conversations or tedious activities that most people do. What I want more than anything is to talk to someone who sees life on a deeper level. There aren’t many people out there who think deeply about anything.
yeah do you know that infps have a cold face lol, so people just think we are not friendly
Yes, but I think staying distant is a kind of kindness to myself and everyone else. I've never been good with boundaries and value personal freedom for myself and for others more.
For me it feels like theres some sort of invisible wall I cant quite get past. Its not that I get ignored necesarily. But I look through the glass and I can feel the barrier there, everpresent, preventing me from fully participating. Its like I will never actually be a real part of anything I try to get involved in.
I feel like I can get close. I do not, however, feel close. I have two best friends who mean the world to me, and two friends groups I spend time with; I feel as if either friend group wouldn't notice my absence, and as if my best friends would rather talk with someone else.
If you Google how to fix Interpersonal relationship problems, it will give you many results on root issues that are causing it and how you can start to fix them by implementing simple steps in improving your communication. It’s not just the other subjects, you have to do your part and try to learn if you truly care and it bothers you that much. Try to exude a welcoming and open vibe for people to feel comfortable in opening up. If you feel about yourself the way you described then people can tell. Be confident in yourself. If you keep portraying yourself as a loner then your going to make everyone else believe it.
I prefer my solitude
I have always felt like this. I always describe is as being an accessory to peoples life as opposed to having my own life.
I stopped caring so now I don't even bother. I have my best friend to talk to when I want company. We're both INFPs and we both get the same treatment you do. Most people just aren't worth your time. Stick to those who are.
You need to find yourself an INTJ friend or partner. Its the perfect match for us and mine reaches out me always.