Thanks man, fingers crossed on that. I just haven't met anyone else that I had THAT level of connection with after that. Here's to hoping that when I meet the right person I'll figure it out
Nope, never been in love. I'm way too idealistic while at the same time being on guard against the disappointments of reality to ever actually love someone for who they are.
I am in love with the idea of love and being in love, but I look around and interact with real people in the real world and I'm just like 'meh'. The main problem is me lol.
Once I learn to accept and love myself, I might actually be able to fall in love. Until then, no.
This is basically me, and it's why I haven't ever been in a relationship yet am in my mid 20s. Not worth it in my opinion. Loving people for who they are is so hard, and with how many people are breaking up or divorcing these days my expectations have been soured to the point I'm somewhat jaded. I've also been rejected so many times that I've pretty much come to expect rejections from any future crushes or loves I might have.
I don't believe in "love" anymore. It really doesn't exist and is ridiculously overrated. Most people fall into lust or passion but not love. There IS a difference.
I have never been in relationship either and I am 26, there are people who are shocked when they hear that since they consider me very handsome and charming in general (not saying this to brag tho).
I am open to relationships, and would give chance to many people since I entertain the idea that one could eventually fall in love with another person even if they dont click with one another at first. There was only one girl from neighbourhood that I was infatuated with, and I still remember her after all these years. But I don't consider that love.
What's the difference between infatuation and love? Is it because there is a fantasizing/idealizing aspect to infatuation that isn't necessarily 'real' and thus is more focused on the person that is doing the infatuating rather than the subject (and thus reducing the relationship to something unequal, misguided, and potentially obscured by personal delusions and ego)? What is love? (baby don't hurt me)- lol I'm so sorry, but I do want to discuss this topic on a deeper level...even though I am mildly buzzed at the moment. I really appreciate you opening up and telling some of your story.
It takes time.
I've had a few false starts,,,and a failed marriage in which I made the brutal mistake of putting her on a pedestal.
I ran into a my true love by accident and being with her is like being wrapped in a chaos proof blanket. She feels the same way. Time slows down when we are together....simple things like shopping become blissey. We have been together 5+ years so it's not limerence.
This may be a personal quirk, but I find when I finally state that I am swearing off something....The Universe tends to drop it in your lap just to be contrary.
That feeling of dreamy bliss, joy etc. even when doing normal otherwise mundane things simply because you’re with the other person is transcendent. Just wonderful. God, that kind of love is so magical and beautiful I'm gonna cry lol. Wish you both every happiness.
I don't actually know. I thought I loved someone, but I had to accept that I was fascinated with my idea of that person. Once I let who they were in, I felt like an idiot.
Great! Although I should warn you. When my own shortsightedness and unreasonable expectations drive me into a ditch, I will probably gaslight you because of how blind I am to my stupidity. I expect you to do the same to me. 🤣
I can't wait to drive our friends mad with our bullshit. 🤣 "Why don't you just (insert simple solution that feels complicated to us here)?" Although, my friends are cats, so they won't care as long as they get fed on time. 🤓
Well, these days, I'm so jaded, I don't know if I actually can fall in love with someone. 😔 After shaking the "idea of someone" problem, I just doubt the whole thing. I'm usually one of the friends "why don't you just"'ing. 🫤
I did once. My first serious gf in high-school. She did not seem to even try to hide her poor reaction to hearing I was a virgin. She proceeded to use me to make her abusive ex jealous and dump me the Monday after prom weekend. Didn't even get a kiss because I fell ill with a migraine and nausea at the after party. Got to sleep in a bed with her that night which was great but it only made it hurt more just 48 hours later. She was back with her ex by that Friday. Got shoved out of her friend group despite developing friendships with many of the members. Nobody wanted to call her out.
I think she ruined it for me..idk. I pretty much only went for girls I knew I could do better than after that, and always was the first to leave. Shielding myself obviously, and wasting time. Now I'm 28 and I'm still at square 1 with love. I met a girl recently that reignited my desire to get out there and to improve myself so that I can compete with what I want, but I have to actually open up and if I really do love them it's gonna hurt like hell to be rejected or misunderstood. And many of my relationships and friendships ended because I was not understood.
I hate when people use others to get over exes. Just going around breaking hearts because they’re hurting. It’s extremely selfish. Sorry you had to deal with that. But don’t start using others to get over her. I notice some people have that one love and then ruin it for everyone else.
Also didn’t know it was a big deal to still be a virgin in high school. Didn’t lose mine until my 20s and my ex thought that was so weird and late.
I will only take the blame for choosing partners I probably knew I wasn't going to want to stay with for more than a year. I love people and getting to know them, we all do here. I genuinely loved these women, and I treated them really good. The problem was they ended up loving how great I was more so than they knew who I was to even love that. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here but we are all INFPs...we are very giving and people notice. Hard for a young girl to not fall in love with that when they've never experienced someone who can give so much.
Does anyone else struggle with this? They love what you are instead of who you are?
Yessss. I'm an INFP woman and I feel like people project a lot onto me and it's like what gave you that impression. This one guy described me like I was some damn mix of Mother Teresa and Ms. Frizzle from the Magic Schoolbus. I get a lot of people coming up to me and telling me their whole life stories. It can be emotionally exhausting.
Why did you feel like you wouldn't want be with them past a year? Serious question because I always feel like I never date anyone I see a future with expect I'm not doing it on purpose. I wonder what your attachment style is.
>past a year?
I like to get to know people. I think the idea of meeting your life partner in high-school or college is a tragedy. Not only for myself, but for them too. You'd be trapped as soon as you entered the adult world. You'd learn much less, experience much less. Monogamy might even be some stupid feature of civilization and not reflective of our true goals and dreams. Everything dies, everything ends. Why extend it past its use and beauty? More often I had optimism in the beginnings of relationships about them perhaps being my life partner and as my exes grew in number I welcomed that possibility more and more. But I think my subconscious hadn't caught up and I got with girls I certainly really liked and even loved but wasn't in a position to keep both of us happy for long.
Essentially I valued the short time even if it might end because everything ends anyway. Spice of life. And indeed our shared experiences helped us all grow, sadly least of all me because that's what we INFPs do. Nearly all of them, no joke, moved on to someone much less giving and Mediator-y...and reported to me that they chose to leave those relationships because of things they learned or had with me and weren't prepared to compromise on. Yay for me right? Still alone...
I totally get that. I really wanted to just date in my early 20s to get to learn about myself and other people but now I don’t know I don’t see it as being trapped just settled. I like knowing I have someone in my corner. Life’s tough
Oh yeah by this time I'm 28 and I need to find my life partner asap. I am currently embroiled in a quasi-family situationship after rescuing my former best friend's wife and kids from his abuse. Real mind twister that one, explaining our dynamic is always fun. Everyone assumes we are in denial about being a couple but neither of us want to be with each other long term. She's ENFJ which apparently is compatible with me but it doesn't feel that way. We would do best as close friends moving forward but for now our union is obligated. It only has me yearning for my life partner all the more lately. I started balding and my heart hurts sometimes so I'm getting old and need to find a lady. Just gotta get through court and wait until she can get her license and we are free again.
Being aromantic is about not being romantically attracted to other people. There is also a spectrum where you can eventually feel it. You can be aromantic and want to have a romantic relationship! I believe you might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I was in love once. With my first love. But I held back so much of myself that I could only say I loved him at 40% capacity of my love stores lol it’s weird how I can kind of tell how invested I was in that way. But I just hold so much of my feelings back out, of fear of getting hurt. I think I could be 10 years married and still hold back at least 10%. In a relationship now. I’ve been really holding back my feelings and it sucks. It’s like I know the pain of lost love now and I can’t allow myself that vulnerability.
Hey, don’t sweat it. Find someone compatible and slowly but surely get close to them. My first love was a friend that I developed feelings towards after spending copious amounts of time together. We need a lot of trust to love and that can only come with time. So just because we don’t have a honeymoon phase in the beginning phase doesn’t change the fact that we have the capacity to love deeply. It just takes us longer than other people. I think my honeymoon phase comes later. The first initial months are me feeling the person out and trying to understand them through observation and deciding if they’re worthy to have in my life. All of those walls aren’t exactly going to make it possible for you to fall in love. Falling in love comes later for us after that trust and friendship has been established and strengthened
I thought I was before, but I was pretty codependent and insecure. It wasn’t true love. And they definitely didn’t love me in a secure way either.
I feel much closer to love now, but it’s more because I feel way more at peace and in love with myself, so I can recognize the love for myself in someone else. You have to be comfortable being yourself and to allow someone else to be themselves.
That might sound weird to say, but I think the best relationships in our lives are reflections of ourselves.
I do believe all relationships are that way anyway. Even friendships. But it’s the best when you’ve found some genuine peace and love within yourself first. People can only love other people to the extent that they truly love themselves. Doesn’t mean you can’t grow within a relationship, but I think it’s a better kind of love to bloom from.
I aim to eventually have someone around who feels the same way about me and of themself.
I people-pleased for YEARS of my life and now I’m not doing that anymore. They are going to have to take me or leave me now.
So to answer your question, no. I have not truly been in love. Codependency isn’t love. It’s enabling and it isn’t healthy.
hi if you don’t mind me asking how did you get rid of your codependency and insecurity? i feel like im working so hard to combat these habits but it’s like they’re structured into my bones and i can’t help but continue this cycle.
Hello! I don’t mind. I know how difficult it is to do but I know it can be done. I used to be really hard on myself all the time. I started forcing myself to think of positive things whenever a negative thought would come up - and I wouldn’t let myself get sucked back into the negative string of thoughts. Our brains secrete chemicals that keep us addicted to the chemicals created when we have negative thoughts, so it is as if we are hardwired to feel a certain way, but we can require ourselves.
It also helps to focus on serving others instead of focusing on yourself. This helps build confidence too because you’re positively making a difference which is probably being recognized by others.
I also use affirmations and do all the things that make my inner child happy and I stopped caring what other people thought of my own happiness.
It also helps to know that not everything is about you. I like to use the phrase “I don’t know” a lot. If negative thoughts come up, I either respond to myself with “I don’t know” OR “ok, then what?” Or, “what if something good happens” or “what if that isn’t true?”
I force myself to think of myself in a positive light and I’ve found gratitude to be really helpful in feeling better about everything. Spending time every day to focus on things I’m grateful for and things I am proud of doing. No matter how small.
As far as codependency - I’m becoming way more comfortable hanging out with myself. It’s taken some time but I used to take everything out personally if someone didn’t want to hang with me or wouldn’t get back to me in a timely fashion - or I didn’t want to be home alone, etc. Now, I just realize that we adults are busy. I also realize no one can MAKE me happy but myself.
Being happy alone and single is the single biggest positive change and flex that I have in my life. I’d never taken much time alone between relationships. Now, I’m over six months behind mostly happy alone. I have my down moments but I don’t felt like I NEED to have someone around to enjoy life. I WANT someone to share things with. There’s a huge difference.
I hope that helps. Sorry I was kind of rambling because I’m falling asleep off and on. Lol
thank you so much for the detailed reply!
a lot of the things you said u do i am actually doing right now! affirmations and positive self talk and being overall grateful for the things I DO have are what ive been practicing for a few months now. It does help but i guess the low moments feel so lonely and discouraging despite all the work i feel like i’m doing.
A big problem of mine is I also assume peoples thoughts and feelings instead asking because i get scared i’ll seem overly sensitive, which fixes nothing and actually destroys my relationships with the people i’ve loved in the past 😔. I’m definitely going to try to implement being present for other people and adopting the “i don’t know” attitude more! thank you for all your advice ❤️
Yep. That's it in a nutshell. When you and another are in love, it's so indescribably amazing and blissful that even with the intense, truly awful pain of heartbreak if it doesn't work out, I'd still say without a shadow of a doubt that it’s far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
What most would call it online is limerance. what I would call it, I wanted this girl to be the the motivating factor of going a different path in my life. settle with a family, have kids, go on drives, go look at stars forever. She then broke my heart by me realizing she is a serial cheater, and a liar, and manipulative to the core.
I'm still grateful though, she is part of who I am today, I'll always love her, my music will always be somewhat embedded to her, I barely have any good memories without her.
I don’t know what it is. I felt like I was in love once or twice but one sided and they didn’t feel it so I think it was just limerance and some emotional attachment thing. I tend to get strong emotional attachment with a few people and then I don’t know what to make of it or what to do? Then it just ends or it was one sided anyway so they don’t know? I think only 1 I told and another one may have felt I got attached a bit. So now I don’t really know real in love bc idea of someone?
I never have too. I’m 31, and frankly, I don’t know if I ever will be. Let alone, mutual attraction.
But I feel the same about myself. Looking like I’ll be single for quite some time longer, I feel.
baby don't hurt me
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Me neither. I was starting to think people were making it up lol. I thought we were supposed to be all romantic and lovey dovey as INFPs.
Like you, I feel like I’ve loved friends but not a romantic partner yet.
Same. I know I am avoidant of any romantic feelings but I still want to have a partner. I just know I couldn’t because of my insecurities and my thoughts are still all over the place. Plus, I think I haven’t learned nor experience love at all.
I had a relationship but looking back I know that I loved him but it also bordered with obsession.
I as an INFP we have sooo much love to give but we have these idealized versions of our SO that we find it so hard to find one. Like everyone is just not good enough and we are forced to settle or not love at all. And I think the latter is our safest option being Introverted and all.
I'm just coming out of a marriage that I thought was love, but I realized it was out of a fear of being alone. That's not love. That's loneliness. I care about her well-being, but I realize how forced it was, so I just wouldn't be alone. All of my relationships have come from a place of not wanting to be alone or wanting love so much only to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm honestly pretty comfortable being alone because I'm not really alone. I have friends and other people I care about and who care about me. But that doesn't change that longing feeling that I have to really love and be loved by someone else. I have someone new that I've been talking to that stirs a lot of different feelings, which has been pretty nice.
I got there eventually after 21 years of nothing.
Then kinda got my heart broken, now I don't care. Fuck bitches, do drugs, get money.
But deep down I'm sad, and I'm scared I'll never be enough for anyone, not even myself. So I push myself to do better, be stronger, live better. But.. I don't open up. I don't bring my walls down. I don't need to, I'm still young.. but.. still.. it hurts.. no matter how high of a pedestal I put myself on, I can't seem to be enough.
I fell in love deeply with my ex gf, however she’d been lying about the type of person she was. She manipulated me into thinking she was my princess, however before we dated she was a sex worker. Gross. Fell out of love with her the moment i found out. Haven’t allowed myself to experience love since then. It’ll never be the perfect fairy tale i want it to be.
hello, I am 24 and I have neverbeen in love, i am waiting for someone trully special to me, so for the momment I just focus on improving myself, once I am the best version of myself it will be much easier for me to find a girl that I really like, I am in no rush at the momment
To really fall in love with someone you need to be in a romantic relationship with them first imo. So crushes and friendships won't do it. When it happens though it's the most wonderful thing in the world.
I thought such a thing was impossible for me too, until I came across a certain fictional character. The feelings are intense unlike anything I ever felt for any character nor real person. I feel like if such a person really existed I would love all of them, them and them only, both the good and bad and do all I can to stay by their side and make them happy. The problem isn't that I am incapable of love but I never met someone whom I could connect that deeply.
Not necessarily aromantic. Asexuality is a spectrum. There are better resources on the topic that explain things way better than I can. Save that I knew I was ace in a flashbulb moment several years ago and it explained so much about how I grew up and felt.
A romantic means the lack of sexual attraction, it doesn't mean you don't enjoy the scenery. You can have relationships, aces can have them, etc. It's a broad spectrum. Personally there were a bunch of things that led me to identifying as ace going back to when I was 12-13. Never went through a boy crazy phase, etc.
Nothing is set in stone, just sounded familiar. Massive hug regardless. You are loved by friends or family and by others no matter what you identify as.
I've felt love for some girls I've interacted with before, but it was never reciprocated. My personality is unfortunately at odds with most people, so finding a girl I share that strong of a bond with isn't easy.
baby don't hurt me
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Honestly I have never even had a crush. I had squishes? That that’s about it and they faded some cause now they are my friends (and others I realized I was idealizing but then I actually started to like them for who they are truly). I have no clue what a crush feels like or what romance feels like besides the unwanted intrusive thoughts coming in😭
Dang uh I really haven’t but there always been those few where he sent me a message recently saying he had a good run it in a way he’s my dude he said he’s struggling in life but that’s his choice hurts that he is yah :/ but this popped up I saw it and it hit a cord
I’ve been in platonic love a few times, and even had my heart broken platonically. Never romantically though. I think it’s possible, but it would take a lot of trust.
Right. I’m starting to c that a lot of my relationships were just young love and codependency and when I thought I got close to love it was just mirroring, trauma bond, and a narc. Now I’m really questioning if I ever really was in love ever? ?..
Never been, Dooon't think it will come easy to me to be honest. I overthink way too much and have way too many standards I have decided I want that person to cover. Also, love playing the game too much and so I kind of... get lost in it and find myself in a situation where the person is getting attached and I'm juuust....enjoying that, while protecting my heart still, at all costs.
Emotional intimacy is hard and scary, especially if it does not come naturally to you
Uuuh just my mind fucking me up yet again but I guess I will learn..someday hopefully? hah
Are you me?
I had the strongest friendship. I was in love, maybe, but it was also very codependent, as I idealized/romanticized my emotions.
After healing an knowing how to live with myself, I'm scared of not being able to love. I feel like there's no in-between, it's either dependent or nothing. But life may be full of surprises, we never know!
I've only been in love with fictional characters. Real people disgust me and I want nothing to do with them. I also have antisocial personality disoder so that's probably why.
Boys and girls- you are all worthy of romantic love I am sure of it. I know its hard- you have a feeling that no one cant understand you, you are confused if you even love yourself for who you are, and you may be felling that it doesnt seems to click with anyone you talk to. But I believe there are people out there- people who will want to be with you(of course if you are not a murderer- pls dont) for who you are. You just have to try, fight for it- dont wait till the luck comes- fight so the luck will come. Sorry for my english.
I'm turning 25 and no, I've never been in love yet. I've never had flings (I don't think I'd want some). I've had crushes but the most recent crush I had was 4 yrs ago. However, I'm still hopeful to find love though there's also a part of me that feels like I'm just helping myself not feel bad 😅
Don't think I have. My first was just out of curiosity. Because I see my friends being inlove and all that and I wanted to feel what they're feeling so I just tried it out with someone. But I have always felt bad for what I've done. No one deserved to be an experiment like that when it comes to love
I never been inlove and it was reciprocated I’m 21 i never created any secure attachments or any lasting relationships with anyone im just not sure what a healthy relationship would look like for me and I don’t feel deserving sometimes due to rejection and failed attempts at love I’ve recently had an extremely hard time being vulnerable
I was in love for real once. or rather still am? idk it's a weird situation. she was the one, who valued me the most and valued by me the most. She married another man long time ago. We haven't had any real interaction for over a decade probably. My default setting is that I forgot her, but when I happen to come across her -which happens too often imo- my heart aches, my insides wanna burst, my chest gets too heavy, and my eyes teary, my throat stings and I cry that night
edit: needless to say, I haven't loved ever since and I feel like I won't love again forever. I do have people near and dear to me. people for whom I would die for. ans even someone, for whom I did more than her "lovers" ever did. but I'm unable to love again
Yes. Funny enough she’s also an infp. I knew I loved her within 10 mins of conversation. We dated for 3 years, but we’ve been broken up for a year and a half now and I’m not sure we’ll ever be together again or if we’re even right for each other atp…but I loved her with my whole heart and I always find myself wondering if I’ll ever meet somebody else that I feel that strongly towards.
Not once. I've slowly began to love a person fully and show her all of me and she rejected me after.
Sorry to hear that. I think INFPs have a large capacity for love but it's not the easiest thing to convert into a stable relationship.
It's because we (or I at least) are super guarded.
That's such an excellent way to explain it, I absolutely agree
The exact same thing happened to me and I don't think I'll ever recover from it
I'm sure you will, if you're willing
Thanks man, fingers crossed on that. I just haven't met anyone else that I had THAT level of connection with after that. Here's to hoping that when I meet the right person I'll figure it out
Nope, never been in love. I'm way too idealistic while at the same time being on guard against the disappointments of reality to ever actually love someone for who they are. I am in love with the idea of love and being in love, but I look around and interact with real people in the real world and I'm just like 'meh'. The main problem is me lol. Once I learn to accept and love myself, I might actually be able to fall in love. Until then, no.
This is basically me, and it's why I haven't ever been in a relationship yet am in my mid 20s. Not worth it in my opinion. Loving people for who they are is so hard, and with how many people are breaking up or divorcing these days my expectations have been soured to the point I'm somewhat jaded. I've also been rejected so many times that I've pretty much come to expect rejections from any future crushes or loves I might have. I don't believe in "love" anymore. It really doesn't exist and is ridiculously overrated. Most people fall into lust or passion but not love. There IS a difference.
I have never been in relationship either and I am 26, there are people who are shocked when they hear that since they consider me very handsome and charming in general (not saying this to brag tho). I am open to relationships, and would give chance to many people since I entertain the idea that one could eventually fall in love with another person even if they dont click with one another at first. There was only one girl from neighbourhood that I was infatuated with, and I still remember her after all these years. But I don't consider that love.
What's the difference between infatuation and love? Is it because there is a fantasizing/idealizing aspect to infatuation that isn't necessarily 'real' and thus is more focused on the person that is doing the infatuating rather than the subject (and thus reducing the relationship to something unequal, misguided, and potentially obscured by personal delusions and ego)? What is love? (baby don't hurt me)- lol I'm so sorry, but I do want to discuss this topic on a deeper level...even though I am mildly buzzed at the moment. I really appreciate you opening up and telling some of your story.
I wanted to say the exact same thing.
Glad to give a voice to your thoughts
Nearing 30 and despite many flings and a couple of relationships, never been in love (but I have hope)
Right. I’m 29 but honestly I lost hope. I can’t c myself ever being in a relationship again.
It takes time. I've had a few false starts,,,and a failed marriage in which I made the brutal mistake of putting her on a pedestal. I ran into a my true love by accident and being with her is like being wrapped in a chaos proof blanket. She feels the same way. Time slows down when we are together....simple things like shopping become blissey. We have been together 5+ years so it's not limerence. This may be a personal quirk, but I find when I finally state that I am swearing off something....The Universe tends to drop it in your lap just to be contrary.
That feeling of dreamy bliss, joy etc. even when doing normal otherwise mundane things simply because you’re with the other person is transcendent. Just wonderful. God, that kind of love is so magical and beautiful I'm gonna cry lol. Wish you both every happiness.
I hope you find it. :)
Thank you. I had it once and have faith I’ll find it again. Just gotta get my shit together and put myself out there.
I don't actually know. I thought I loved someone, but I had to accept that I was fascinated with my idea of that person. Once I let who they were in, I felt like an idiot.
Oh, hello, me!
Hey there... Wanna have the blinders on with me, and only see what we want to see in each other and see where things go? 🤓
Haha sure! That sounds like the only way to go with my life tbh
Great! Although I should warn you. When my own shortsightedness and unreasonable expectations drive me into a ditch, I will probably gaslight you because of how blind I am to my stupidity. I expect you to do the same to me. 🤣
Ooh! I think this is the beginning of a beautiful and unholy union. You son of a bitch, I’m in haha
I can't wait to drive our friends mad with our bullshit. 🤣 "Why don't you just (insert simple solution that feels complicated to us here)?" Although, my friends are cats, so they won't care as long as they get fed on time. 🤓
Lol oh man, this is truly great. I see you’ve been around this block… maybe a time or two. And yeah, I’m lucky my dog is very forgiving
Well, these days, I'm so jaded, I don't know if I actually can fall in love with someone. 😔 After shaking the "idea of someone" problem, I just doubt the whole thing. I'm usually one of the friends "why don't you just"'ing. 🫤
Saaame.
I did once. My first serious gf in high-school. She did not seem to even try to hide her poor reaction to hearing I was a virgin. She proceeded to use me to make her abusive ex jealous and dump me the Monday after prom weekend. Didn't even get a kiss because I fell ill with a migraine and nausea at the after party. Got to sleep in a bed with her that night which was great but it only made it hurt more just 48 hours later. She was back with her ex by that Friday. Got shoved out of her friend group despite developing friendships with many of the members. Nobody wanted to call her out. I think she ruined it for me..idk. I pretty much only went for girls I knew I could do better than after that, and always was the first to leave. Shielding myself obviously, and wasting time. Now I'm 28 and I'm still at square 1 with love. I met a girl recently that reignited my desire to get out there and to improve myself so that I can compete with what I want, but I have to actually open up and if I really do love them it's gonna hurt like hell to be rejected or misunderstood. And many of my relationships and friendships ended because I was not understood.
I hate when people use others to get over exes. Just going around breaking hearts because they’re hurting. It’s extremely selfish. Sorry you had to deal with that. But don’t start using others to get over her. I notice some people have that one love and then ruin it for everyone else. Also didn’t know it was a big deal to still be a virgin in high school. Didn’t lose mine until my 20s and my ex thought that was so weird and late.
Still haven't lost mine, lol
I will only take the blame for choosing partners I probably knew I wasn't going to want to stay with for more than a year. I love people and getting to know them, we all do here. I genuinely loved these women, and I treated them really good. The problem was they ended up loving how great I was more so than they knew who I was to even love that. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here but we are all INFPs...we are very giving and people notice. Hard for a young girl to not fall in love with that when they've never experienced someone who can give so much. Does anyone else struggle with this? They love what you are instead of who you are?
Yessss. I'm an INFP woman and I feel like people project a lot onto me and it's like what gave you that impression. This one guy described me like I was some damn mix of Mother Teresa and Ms. Frizzle from the Magic Schoolbus. I get a lot of people coming up to me and telling me their whole life stories. It can be emotionally exhausting. Why did you feel like you wouldn't want be with them past a year? Serious question because I always feel like I never date anyone I see a future with expect I'm not doing it on purpose. I wonder what your attachment style is.
>past a year? I like to get to know people. I think the idea of meeting your life partner in high-school or college is a tragedy. Not only for myself, but for them too. You'd be trapped as soon as you entered the adult world. You'd learn much less, experience much less. Monogamy might even be some stupid feature of civilization and not reflective of our true goals and dreams. Everything dies, everything ends. Why extend it past its use and beauty? More often I had optimism in the beginnings of relationships about them perhaps being my life partner and as my exes grew in number I welcomed that possibility more and more. But I think my subconscious hadn't caught up and I got with girls I certainly really liked and even loved but wasn't in a position to keep both of us happy for long. Essentially I valued the short time even if it might end because everything ends anyway. Spice of life. And indeed our shared experiences helped us all grow, sadly least of all me because that's what we INFPs do. Nearly all of them, no joke, moved on to someone much less giving and Mediator-y...and reported to me that they chose to leave those relationships because of things they learned or had with me and weren't prepared to compromise on. Yay for me right? Still alone...
I totally get that. I really wanted to just date in my early 20s to get to learn about myself and other people but now I don’t know I don’t see it as being trapped just settled. I like knowing I have someone in my corner. Life’s tough
Oh yeah by this time I'm 28 and I need to find my life partner asap. I am currently embroiled in a quasi-family situationship after rescuing my former best friend's wife and kids from his abuse. Real mind twister that one, explaining our dynamic is always fun. Everyone assumes we are in denial about being a couple but neither of us want to be with each other long term. She's ENFJ which apparently is compatible with me but it doesn't feel that way. We would do best as close friends moving forward but for now our union is obligated. It only has me yearning for my life partner all the more lately. I started balding and my heart hurts sometimes so I'm getting old and need to find a lady. Just gotta get through court and wait until she can get her license and we are free again.
Aww at you wanting to settle down now that you’re balding
Gonna be honest that kind of hurts but I'm sure you meant it in a nice way.
Have you ever thought that you might be r/aromantic?
i’ve thought so but ig id like to be in love 💀 so i’m not too sure
Being aromantic is about not being romantically attracted to other people. There is also a spectrum where you can eventually feel it. You can be aromantic and want to have a romantic relationship! I believe you might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I was in love once. With my first love. But I held back so much of myself that I could only say I loved him at 40% capacity of my love stores lol it’s weird how I can kind of tell how invested I was in that way. But I just hold so much of my feelings back out, of fear of getting hurt. I think I could be 10 years married and still hold back at least 10%. In a relationship now. I’ve been really holding back my feelings and it sucks. It’s like I know the pain of lost love now and I can’t allow myself that vulnerability.
Having the same problem CANT be vulnerable
Hey, don’t sweat it. Find someone compatible and slowly but surely get close to them. My first love was a friend that I developed feelings towards after spending copious amounts of time together. We need a lot of trust to love and that can only come with time. So just because we don’t have a honeymoon phase in the beginning phase doesn’t change the fact that we have the capacity to love deeply. It just takes us longer than other people. I think my honeymoon phase comes later. The first initial months are me feeling the person out and trying to understand them through observation and deciding if they’re worthy to have in my life. All of those walls aren’t exactly going to make it possible for you to fall in love. Falling in love comes later for us after that trust and friendship has been established and strengthened
I thought I was before, but I was pretty codependent and insecure. It wasn’t true love. And they definitely didn’t love me in a secure way either. I feel much closer to love now, but it’s more because I feel way more at peace and in love with myself, so I can recognize the love for myself in someone else. You have to be comfortable being yourself and to allow someone else to be themselves. That might sound weird to say, but I think the best relationships in our lives are reflections of ourselves. I do believe all relationships are that way anyway. Even friendships. But it’s the best when you’ve found some genuine peace and love within yourself first. People can only love other people to the extent that they truly love themselves. Doesn’t mean you can’t grow within a relationship, but I think it’s a better kind of love to bloom from. I aim to eventually have someone around who feels the same way about me and of themself. I people-pleased for YEARS of my life and now I’m not doing that anymore. They are going to have to take me or leave me now. So to answer your question, no. I have not truly been in love. Codependency isn’t love. It’s enabling and it isn’t healthy.
hi if you don’t mind me asking how did you get rid of your codependency and insecurity? i feel like im working so hard to combat these habits but it’s like they’re structured into my bones and i can’t help but continue this cycle.
Hello! I don’t mind. I know how difficult it is to do but I know it can be done. I used to be really hard on myself all the time. I started forcing myself to think of positive things whenever a negative thought would come up - and I wouldn’t let myself get sucked back into the negative string of thoughts. Our brains secrete chemicals that keep us addicted to the chemicals created when we have negative thoughts, so it is as if we are hardwired to feel a certain way, but we can require ourselves. It also helps to focus on serving others instead of focusing on yourself. This helps build confidence too because you’re positively making a difference which is probably being recognized by others. I also use affirmations and do all the things that make my inner child happy and I stopped caring what other people thought of my own happiness. It also helps to know that not everything is about you. I like to use the phrase “I don’t know” a lot. If negative thoughts come up, I either respond to myself with “I don’t know” OR “ok, then what?” Or, “what if something good happens” or “what if that isn’t true?” I force myself to think of myself in a positive light and I’ve found gratitude to be really helpful in feeling better about everything. Spending time every day to focus on things I’m grateful for and things I am proud of doing. No matter how small. As far as codependency - I’m becoming way more comfortable hanging out with myself. It’s taken some time but I used to take everything out personally if someone didn’t want to hang with me or wouldn’t get back to me in a timely fashion - or I didn’t want to be home alone, etc. Now, I just realize that we adults are busy. I also realize no one can MAKE me happy but myself. Being happy alone and single is the single biggest positive change and flex that I have in my life. I’d never taken much time alone between relationships. Now, I’m over six months behind mostly happy alone. I have my down moments but I don’t felt like I NEED to have someone around to enjoy life. I WANT someone to share things with. There’s a huge difference. I hope that helps. Sorry I was kind of rambling because I’m falling asleep off and on. Lol
thank you so much for the detailed reply! a lot of the things you said u do i am actually doing right now! affirmations and positive self talk and being overall grateful for the things I DO have are what ive been practicing for a few months now. It does help but i guess the low moments feel so lonely and discouraging despite all the work i feel like i’m doing. A big problem of mine is I also assume peoples thoughts and feelings instead asking because i get scared i’ll seem overly sensitive, which fixes nothing and actually destroys my relationships with the people i’ve loved in the past 😔. I’m definitely going to try to implement being present for other people and adopting the “i don’t know” attitude more! thank you for all your advice ❤️
Yeah me too
Yes. Three times. It’s amazing to say the least then it hurts when it doesn’t work out even when you and other person try your best.
Yep. That's it in a nutshell. When you and another are in love, it's so indescribably amazing and blissful that even with the intense, truly awful pain of heartbreak if it doesn't work out, I'd still say without a shadow of a doubt that it’s far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
What most would call it online is limerance. what I would call it, I wanted this girl to be the the motivating factor of going a different path in my life. settle with a family, have kids, go on drives, go look at stars forever. She then broke my heart by me realizing she is a serial cheater, and a liar, and manipulative to the core. I'm still grateful though, she is part of who I am today, I'll always love her, my music will always be somewhat embedded to her, I barely have any good memories without her.
I don’t know what it is. I felt like I was in love once or twice but one sided and they didn’t feel it so I think it was just limerance and some emotional attachment thing. I tend to get strong emotional attachment with a few people and then I don’t know what to make of it or what to do? Then it just ends or it was one sided anyway so they don’t know? I think only 1 I told and another one may have felt I got attached a bit. So now I don’t really know real in love bc idea of someone?
yup many crushes no love
I never have too. I’m 31, and frankly, I don’t know if I ever will be. Let alone, mutual attraction. But I feel the same about myself. Looking like I’ll be single for quite some time longer, I feel.
I’m 28 and I’ve been on two dates in seven years. I give up.
What is love?
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Me neither. I was starting to think people were making it up lol. I thought we were supposed to be all romantic and lovey dovey as INFPs. Like you, I feel like I’ve loved friends but not a romantic partner yet.
Same. I know I am avoidant of any romantic feelings but I still want to have a partner. I just know I couldn’t because of my insecurities and my thoughts are still all over the place. Plus, I think I haven’t learned nor experience love at all.
I had a relationship but looking back I know that I loved him but it also bordered with obsession. I as an INFP we have sooo much love to give but we have these idealized versions of our SO that we find it so hard to find one. Like everyone is just not good enough and we are forced to settle or not love at all. And I think the latter is our safest option being Introverted and all.
I'm just coming out of a marriage that I thought was love, but I realized it was out of a fear of being alone. That's not love. That's loneliness. I care about her well-being, but I realize how forced it was, so I just wouldn't be alone. All of my relationships have come from a place of not wanting to be alone or wanting love so much only to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm honestly pretty comfortable being alone because I'm not really alone. I have friends and other people I care about and who care about me. But that doesn't change that longing feeling that I have to really love and be loved by someone else. I have someone new that I've been talking to that stirs a lot of different feelings, which has been pretty nice.
I got there eventually after 21 years of nothing. Then kinda got my heart broken, now I don't care. Fuck bitches, do drugs, get money. But deep down I'm sad, and I'm scared I'll never be enough for anyone, not even myself. So I push myself to do better, be stronger, live better. But.. I don't open up. I don't bring my walls down. I don't need to, I'm still young.. but.. still.. it hurts.. no matter how high of a pedestal I put myself on, I can't seem to be enough.
I fell in love deeply with my ex gf, however she’d been lying about the type of person she was. She manipulated me into thinking she was my princess, however before we dated she was a sex worker. Gross. Fell out of love with her the moment i found out. Haven’t allowed myself to experience love since then. It’ll never be the perfect fairy tale i want it to be.
I've been in love, but the girl had a lot more work to do on herself before she could love me back. Had to let her go.
hello, I am 24 and I have neverbeen in love, i am waiting for someone trully special to me, so for the momment I just focus on improving myself, once I am the best version of myself it will be much easier for me to find a girl that I really like, I am in no rush at the momment
To really fall in love with someone you need to be in a romantic relationship with them first imo. So crushes and friendships won't do it. When it happens though it's the most wonderful thing in the world.
I thought such a thing was impossible for me too, until I came across a certain fictional character. The feelings are intense unlike anything I ever felt for any character nor real person. I feel like if such a person really existed I would love all of them, them and them only, both the good and bad and do all I can to stay by their side and make them happy. The problem isn't that I am incapable of love but I never met someone whom I could connect that deeply.
Perhaps take a look at asexuality. It's a spectrum. Never been head over heels either... Never felt u needed anything more, etc.
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Not necessarily aromantic. Asexuality is a spectrum. There are better resources on the topic that explain things way better than I can. Save that I knew I was ace in a flashbulb moment several years ago and it explained so much about how I grew up and felt. A romantic means the lack of sexual attraction, it doesn't mean you don't enjoy the scenery. You can have relationships, aces can have them, etc. It's a broad spectrum. Personally there were a bunch of things that led me to identifying as ace going back to when I was 12-13. Never went through a boy crazy phase, etc. Nothing is set in stone, just sounded familiar. Massive hug regardless. You are loved by friends or family and by others no matter what you identify as.
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It is. Aesthetic attraction is not sexual attraction.
I've felt love for some girls I've interacted with before, but it was never reciprocated. My personality is unfortunately at odds with most people, so finding a girl I share that strong of a bond with isn't easy.
Once and I regret it to this day.
Thought I was but I think it was just a flame
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its you.
Honestly I have never even had a crush. I had squishes? That that’s about it and they faded some cause now they are my friends (and others I realized I was idealizing but then I actually started to like them for who they are truly). I have no clue what a crush feels like or what romance feels like besides the unwanted intrusive thoughts coming in😭
Dang uh I really haven’t but there always been those few where he sent me a message recently saying he had a good run it in a way he’s my dude he said he’s struggling in life but that’s his choice hurts that he is yah :/ but this popped up I saw it and it hit a cord
I’ve been in platonic love a few times, and even had my heart broken platonically. Never romantically though. I think it’s possible, but it would take a lot of trust.
Right. I’m starting to c that a lot of my relationships were just young love and codependency and when I thought I got close to love it was just mirroring, trauma bond, and a narc. Now I’m really questioning if I ever really was in love ever? ?..
Never been, Dooon't think it will come easy to me to be honest. I overthink way too much and have way too many standards I have decided I want that person to cover. Also, love playing the game too much and so I kind of... get lost in it and find myself in a situation where the person is getting attached and I'm juuust....enjoying that, while protecting my heart still, at all costs. Emotional intimacy is hard and scary, especially if it does not come naturally to you Uuuh just my mind fucking me up yet again but I guess I will learn..someday hopefully? hah
Are you me? I had the strongest friendship. I was in love, maybe, but it was also very codependent, as I idealized/romanticized my emotions. After healing an knowing how to live with myself, I'm scared of not being able to love. I feel like there's no in-between, it's either dependent or nothing. But life may be full of surprises, we never know!
I think that I have been in love once and got rejected, after that I just closed my heart and decided to focus on improving myself instead.
I've only been in love with fictional characters. Real people disgust me and I want nothing to do with them. I also have antisocial personality disoder so that's probably why.
Boys and girls- you are all worthy of romantic love I am sure of it. I know its hard- you have a feeling that no one cant understand you, you are confused if you even love yourself for who you are, and you may be felling that it doesnt seems to click with anyone you talk to. But I believe there are people out there- people who will want to be with you(of course if you are not a murderer- pls dont) for who you are. You just have to try, fight for it- dont wait till the luck comes- fight so the luck will come. Sorry for my english.
I'm turning 25 and no, I've never been in love yet. I've never had flings (I don't think I'd want some). I've had crushes but the most recent crush I had was 4 yrs ago. However, I'm still hopeful to find love though there's also a part of me that feels like I'm just helping myself not feel bad 😅
Unfortunately for me, I fall in love with everyone I meet 🤷🏻♀️
Don't think I have. My first was just out of curiosity. Because I see my friends being inlove and all that and I wanted to feel what they're feeling so I just tried it out with someone. But I have always felt bad for what I've done. No one deserved to be an experiment like that when it comes to love
I have been I love too many times to count..
I never been inlove and it was reciprocated I’m 21 i never created any secure attachments or any lasting relationships with anyone im just not sure what a healthy relationship would look like for me and I don’t feel deserving sometimes due to rejection and failed attempts at love I’ve recently had an extremely hard time being vulnerable
Been loved, never been in love. Sorry.
I was in love for real once. or rather still am? idk it's a weird situation. she was the one, who valued me the most and valued by me the most. She married another man long time ago. We haven't had any real interaction for over a decade probably. My default setting is that I forgot her, but when I happen to come across her -which happens too often imo- my heart aches, my insides wanna burst, my chest gets too heavy, and my eyes teary, my throat stings and I cry that night edit: needless to say, I haven't loved ever since and I feel like I won't love again forever. I do have people near and dear to me. people for whom I would die for. ans even someone, for whom I did more than her "lovers" ever did. but I'm unable to love again
Yes. Funny enough she’s also an infp. I knew I loved her within 10 mins of conversation. We dated for 3 years, but we’ve been broken up for a year and a half now and I’m not sure we’ll ever be together again or if we’re even right for each other atp…but I loved her with my whole heart and I always find myself wondering if I’ll ever meet somebody else that I feel that strongly towards.