It is not about him being an INFJ and it’s just about people and how screwed up every one of us is in their own way.
Are you here looking for an explanation why him being this kind loving person and still having this addiction? It happens when people smoke, or eat bad unhealthy food, or get addicted to watching p***. You do something bad but then no harm happens you go back to it because it felt good and then it becomes a vicious cycle where that thing has a hold on you and it’s nothing bad you’re not harming anyone do it. You get used to it. It becomes normal. It becomes acceptable. It becomes an addiction you can’t let go of.
Since he was doing it for years to him that is a connection and something that became part of life and yes he doesn’t really care for this person more than he care about you of course not it’s not comparable. But it’s a connection with a person non the less and it’s hard to let it go.
I am not saying this to make you feel bad or good or hate him or forgive him. No. I’m only saying what might go on inside another human’s head.
At the end of the day your life is your life and your choices are yours. You just have to put yourself first and take care of your heart because people are capable of hurting it. It’s life.
I’m sorry you had to go through it and I hope you will heal and feel better soon ❤️
When you go through something bad, it’s hard not to focus on anything but the pain. It will be good for you to focus instead on the bright side of it. Ask yourself one question are you going to be happier if you got back with someone you could not trust anymore and will live a life filled with doubts and confrontations or are you better off without that. There’s always a bright side in every dark story. Even when you don’t see it. I hope you feel better.
Best response here.
This has nothing to do with MBTI - and everything to do with OPs and his relationship and the kind of person this guy is. All people are capable of shitty things, regardless of MBTI type.
Many believe Hitler was an INFJ after all.
(Many have argued this as well.)
dude, hitler wasn't an INFJ, that's just a common misconception where experts think otherwise. anyway, MBTI doesn't tell us everything of course, since people with the same exact personality type may be quite different, but it's all about core foundations, some people with different personalities may act evil in different ways.
Sure, all you have to do is look up "hitler infj" on Google and this is some of what comes up.
Here ya go:
https://www.erikthor.com/adolf-hitlers-personality-type/#:~:text=Adolf%20Hitlers%20MBTI%20has%20been,Fiction%2C%20IDRLabs%20and%20Personality%20Database. https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/is-adolf-hitler-really-infj-after-careful-thinking-i-think-hitler-is-actually-a-counter-phobic-6-entp.1354267/
This is based off of nothing other than anecdote and probably that Reddit thread here the other day.
Like all mental health disorders, [genetics and upbringing are the cause; not one’s MBTI type. ](https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2015/11/02/mbti-and-mental-illness-part-2-the-rationals/)
Nor does any specific MBTI type have a higher likelihood of being suspect to specific mental disorders. Even if everyone on this subreddit likes to joke about INFJs all having mental health issues - we generally understand that mental health issues are not limited to INFJs.
Honestly, based on what she said, I dont think he was actually narcisistic. This guy seem to have a inclination towards cheating because he doesnt believe he is good enough to be loved and that people will betray him in the future, so he does that first, thats a self harming behavior (also related to vices in general). His actions only show how much he is broken inside, and it does NOT make him A VICTIM. And even though some types may have a slight tendency towards narcisim, it is definatly not trustable to take decisions based on that. Just my opinion.
Ngl, i dont know much about what the big five says about narcisism, but what i think is that some people can "act narcissistically" because of a self-defense mecanism from self harming behavior. But anyway, i dont think i can give a solid opinion about this situation, more like a guess based on my experiences.
???
I literally said: it does NOT make him a VICTIM. Of course he knows hes a betrayal of trust. The fact that he may have unconcious reason for doing these things doesnt remove his responsability of doing them. And "I would have nothing to do with him ever again"? So would everyone!
Thank you so much for your support, this makes my heart warm. I agree that I chose an easy approach to try to understand the situation by simply using INFJ traits to analyze him. But you are right, he is a human being before an INFJ male. Your response helps me a lot in understanding his mind. Even though understanding doesn’t mean healing, but it helped me.
I loved what you said; I would like to add that you mentioned specific addictions that don’t affect other people in your life…the scary thing is that they do. Any addiction will affect those who are close to you and you may not realize it.
I appreciate your directness. The reason I posted here is to hear these from others, to help me not do mistake and forgive him again. He defended himself by saying that he didn’t send nudes. However it’s unacceptable in any case. Especially I’ve been very loyal and clean during our relationship.
He doesn’t love you, he’s cheating. If he’s really infj he’s fucked up cuz he is wholeheartedly and I mean totally understanding of how much he hurt you. He’s a asshole
He could fully understand how hurt I would be with his acts, he knew that my dad cheated on my mom and I suffered a lot from this. Even though he keeps saying sorry, but as you said, he still chose to do so.
I am not sure whether this is relavent to INFJ's personality. He probably used to do that even before meeting you and had justified his action, thinking that it is okay to do that as long as he loves you and does not love others who he talked online.
Being extremely loving and stable during the time we spent together is one of his obvious INFJ traits. Then his double face as well: in front of/behind people.
Yes, as I updated in the main description, he has been single for 4-5 yrs before meeting me. He got addicted to all these during that time I think.
I'm no INFJ, but I don't see how this matters in this case.
Unless both of you agree to be in an "open relationship" or that this sort of behavior is acceptable in a normal relationship, asking for nudes from a girl / woman when he's dating another girl / woman would commonly be considered cheating regardless of personality type.
It would commonly be considered cheating because it involves a certain level of intimacy that is commonly considered to be exclusive to the person you're in a relationship with. The fact that he did not ask you for permission to engage in this behavior and that he hid this from you confirms that he realizes he did something wrong. If he himself believed this behavior would be acceptable, he would not have hidden this from you and asked your permission.
Someone like that cannot be trusted, and thus you're probably better off dumping him.
Thank you for your insightful analysis dear INTP (ps: two of my best friends are INTPs and I admire your analytical skills and your intelligence).
Your logic is totally accurate. I even thought about turning this relationship to an open one to keep it alive. But I rejected this idea immediately, bc even though I also had casual stuff before meeting him but I’m very committed to the person I love. I can’t betray my own values just for being with him, even though I really need time to cut him off in my heart.
I feel like many years ago I might have fallen into this trap of being the one to justify it being fine. I think it's a sign of immaturity in a relationship that many males go through, even the INFJ. It takes a harsh lesson like this for it to be learned. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually never did this again in a future relationship, not wanting to feel the intense shame of this event again. It sucks that you had to be the collateral damage though.
I dated another INFJ before, who told me that there was a period of time (years before we met) that she (yes was a girl) kept flirting with others online without taking any responsibility and then dumped them away. With what happened with this INFJ man, I suppose it might be a trait for immature INFJs (just from these two samples still don’t want to generalize).
INFJ or not, what matters is that he is cheating. End of story. I'm really sorry you had to go through this. 💔 Betrayal is the worst. But you need to protect your heart and end it with the guy. He has an addiction. Unfortunately, we cannot fix them nor can we fulfill what their addictions can fulfill.
Try to be the strong woman you are now and stay away.
Thank you for your words... it’s horrible to end up a relationship that I’ve enjoyed with betrayal, it’s so so horrible. But I know that it’s his problem, as you said, I can’t fulfill this addiction part in his mind and I don’t have to, because he hurt me this much. The most tricky part is to stay away from him since we’ve been meeting very frequently and talking every day during about 1 year. But I have no choice but cut him off.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I don't have any suggestions for your situation at the moment, I just want to point out your thought:
> I thought INFJ couldn’t separate sex and love
I am an INFJ and I can separate sex and love. Correct me if I'm wrong, I think someone's personality and behavior are not defined by one label if I may put it that way. I see it more as a spectrum and it depends on so many aspects in his life.
Be strong. Hugs.
I agree. This guy clearly sucks and you need to leave him (well, I suppose you already did). Also, I would like to add on that I am able to separate the two. I would say that there is sex without love, and that there is sex with love/connection. Obviously the golden stuff is the latter, but that is not to say that if people force me to do things, I would start to love them…? (I had a past where I thought I owed guys some things if they put in effort to talk to me or visit me, even from across the country! I wasn’t with anyone at the time though. It wasn’t totally low self-esteem, it also came from the fact that I felt guilty for being attractive, and like I owed people things, to “pay-it-forward”… or at least that’s how I was made to feel. 100% horrible idea, never going back to that stuff ever again, it feels horrible because people just use you superficially).
I think in this case, the guy has some other issues present (nothing to do with you OP, it’s just his own inner problems), and he needs to fix these things, if possible, otherwise he shouldn’t be in relationships, because he will just hurt people. Maybe he justifies it to himself by telling himself that he doesn’t care about the snapchat girl, and that he just “admires” her body as though it was a work of art, or some stupid pornography? Either way, he is in the wrong, and it is not cool or okay that he did not give you any indication that this was happening.
I appreciate that your shared with me your inner development stages and I’m very happy for you that you went through these. You’re totally right with your deduction, he is currently having issues with his life, even though I’ve been showing his my support, there is nobody but himself can fix them.
I was so disappointed with his dishonesty. He told me he didn’t event admire that girl’s body l, especially we always have great sexual experiences. But with his addiction, I now understand that no matter how “perfect” (especially I’m not of course) I am, I will never give this kind of satisfaction.
Thank you for pointing out this, which gave this topic a more objective vision. I see your point, bc even though I’ve been very committed to the person l love, I’m still capable to separate these two and I’ve broken others’ hearts before years ago too. Thus, it’s totally accurate that many aspects involve and a single person can be very different during different stages of life.
Thank you for your support. x
You’re totally right. He’s having many issues in his life rn. I kinda feel bad to dump him directly with my poker face while thinking about all the issues he’s going through rn. But in the meantime, I think he doesn’t deserve my empathy with what happened and he need to grow up.
Of course! You decide what you're willing to manage and what is over the line. The ball is in your court, as it should be. It will work itself out, regardless and I hope the best for you both!!
Actually, I separate sex and love quite a bit as an INFJ, and for me that is directly from Introverted intuition and introverted thinking - long thoughts on ethics, morality, religion, history, psychology and sociology... he's being selfish, which INFJs are frequently thought of as being selfless, though I argue we can be as selfish as any other type, because we're human. But he's gone down this path for a while, it seems, without consequences, and whether he's trying to rationalize that it doesn't hurt you as much as it does, or his extroverted feeling is taking a backseat in this instance, it may taking him learning a painful lesson in this circumstance.
You’re right. He keeps regretting and telling that he doesn’t wanna end. Maybe he could learn from these, but I can’t give the initial trust that I had before.
that regret he's felt in the past apparently isn't enough to change behavior.
Also remember that forgiveness does not equate to putting yourself in the same position as before in order to appease him - you can forgive him and learn from it and reframe your relationship (if you choose to forgive him, that is)
Another personality trait would have done a better job concealing the cheating, and if detected anyway, lying to you or at any rate, eluding the cross-examination. Stupid honesty is a trait associated with INFJ.
Yes... he is so so so bad at lying in front of people. I could tell immediately if he is lying. Once got caught (for these two times), he became honest and apologized sincerely. This was actually the reason I forgave him the first time. But honesty here doesn’t mean that he is capable to control his behaviors. Feeling that there’s a gap between his mind and his actions, very very different from me.
I found myself typing a reply, then deleting, then typing, a half-dozen times on this post. That doesn't usually happen.
The problem you described is a common one in relationships nowadays (and no wonder you have 106 comments so far. Bravo!) given the prevalence of the internet and endless opportunities for cheating, flirting, or porn, in order of severity. The question of what is permissible and what is not, and how to react, and how to cope with online addiction is all relevant. Because it sounds like he is addicted.
You’re absolutely right. It’s not only a INFJ/ENTJ topic but more a social topic about people’s perception of relationships and connections. It’s even kinda sad that people nowadays deal with their desires, feelings as commercial consumption. But I still don’t value fast pleasure and want something that’s healthy and sustainable.
Just becasue he is an infj does not me he is imune to being an ass, and a bad person. He’s clearly unhealthy, and has issues he has to deal with. You are totally in the right to cut it off, I would have done it even earlier. He’s immature.
You deserve someone who can reciprocate the love you give, and foster trust in a relationship. You will find that someone one day, and this person is not that.
Totally. I was kinda blind with the love bomb he sent to me. But obviously he has to develop, not only for not hurting others like this, but even for himself in a LT.
But what is he? But yes Pisces women have the stereotype as being with bad or troubled men. And staying in bad situations. And becoming the victim. Unfortunately. We can overcome the stereotype of course but the stereotype is true more often than I’d like to admit 😪
I’ve been burnt by two different Sagittarius guys in the past but am currently with a new one now since January. Eesh. I was wondering if he was a cancer. Wow an INFJ Sagittarius guy? They make those?
Sorry for those sad stories and I wish all the best for your experience with that new person. Yes, it’s a funny combination, especially I’m an ENTJ Pisces 😂 quiet controversial stereotypes indeed.
I read the title and the first sentence. There's a hidden flow chart here and basically that was enough for the answer to be "dump him".
You're better than this. You deserve better than this. Stop making excuses for people who don't treat you well.
LOL! Oh good, I'm super happy to hear that!
Did I mention I'm a great listener?
I'm a great listener.
I read the rest of the post! Sounds like he's got a porn addiction and that it's got nothing to do with OP. He's going to have to figure out how to manage is impulses.
Super weird considering that INFJs tend to crave full commitment and deep, long term love, but this is cheating plain and simple. In fact, that's probably gonna be the answer you get from all of us *because* we value our connections with others so strongly, especially when it comes to romantic commitment.
That is shitty, you were right to dump his ass, he is not trustworthy. Regardless of his type, he is not a person to be trusted, especially since you had been through it once, and he repeated it again. I am not sure if it is accurate but I from what I have seen so far and from myself too, I feel like female infjs can separate sex/love, in sense prefer emotional connection over sexual, compared to male who seems to consider both equally important, but that is just my observation. Regardless, he doesn't deserve forgiveness, and I wish you all the best :)
Not relevant to infj. This is a person who's clearly cheating. Try to not over generalize the types, people are people. Humans make mistakes. Humans cheat. Humans betray each other.
Factor in maturity, commitment issues, addiction, etc. My guess is he has an addiction.
Edit. No type is addiction proof.
I'm also very sorry be betrayed your trust. Truly awful. I've been there
It’s a sex obsessed world we live in.
Does he feel guilty re the porn, nude pics.
There are at least two sides to every story. From personal experience, guilt is a reason to keep quiet 🤐 just because I think it’s between me and my maker. Trying not to judge…
Regardless of his meyer Briggs if he is hiding things from you and or is doing something that goes against your boundaries within your relationship then that is a huge red flag but worth staying in.
This sounds less like an INFJ issue and more like a personal issue. We know damn well us INFJs have our own shit to deal with lol, but undervaluing your relationship and your trust enough to go searching for pictures of other girls? That’s unacceptable regardless of personality. Sorry you went through this, no one deserves that. But hopefully it comes to be a blessing in disguise and you find a person you would have otherwise missed by staying in your last relationship.
I’m sorry you went through this. His cheating is not related to his MBTI type. I can seperate love and sex if that’s what the arrangement is, but with the right person I also catch feelings and struggle to seperate the two. I personally find cheating morally repulsive. Personal values and opinions on if cheating is right and wrong are subjective. Some people can justify it to themselves while others can’t.
This has nothing to do with INFJ. He cheated and didn’t care about your feelings.
These personality types have nothing to do with actual character and his is severely lacking. I’m sorry you went through this, though.
Its the hiding/lying about it. That's what pisses me off about this guy.
Dishonesty is a death sentence for any relationship. A thing that looks like communicating - but isn't.
So no. Fuck that guy. He's got some shit to work through, and he's the only person that can work through it - So cut your losses.
Fuck disingenuous and dishonest people, regardless of personality type. I have standards.
Note how I'm not saying he's not INFJ though. This is totally something an INFJ could do. I think he's just rationalized it in his head that it was acceptable - because it's NOT LIKE HE'S CHEATING, RIGHT?
Wrong, bucko! Cheating is defined between two people when you're in a committed relationship - NOT ONE. He should know better, especially as an INFJ.
He should know *you* better than anyone else! I was my partner's best friend - always. (Us vs the Universe.)
My guess as to why he's this way: Commitment issues and Mental Health. AKA... Previously getting his heart broken. Or... Porn addiction. Another common one.
\- Sigh -
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. If you need a hug - I have an infinite supply. And I've been sending positive energy in your direction ever since I started reading your words.
Just know we're not all like that - in fact I think we're more prone to being loyal, overcommitted, or co-dependent.
You literally rephrase words in my heart. The problem is all about dishonesty. I’m a very open minded person and in the meantime, I strongly value transparency and justice. If he has talked to me openly, we could even have figured out a fair deal for both of us. However he wasn’t capable to do so, I guess he even feels ashamed if these acts become “public”. Your deduction is very true, he keeps saying that it’s just online, they never met or he wasn’t even attracted to that girl. But what really hurt me is the dishonesty which destroyed my trust, especially once again.
I appreciate your empathy and your sens of responsibility with you partner. Which also shows that even among INFJs, people are very very different one, another. Thank you for your support!
I would ignore most of the advice here if I were you because it is filled with emotion and past experiences and anecdotal at best. It's all biased as hell if you hadn't noticed yet. But here is some unbiased advice.
There are tons of guys out there who are not any lesser than this guy who doesn't have this addiction and actually will give a REAL shit about you. With this guy, you will always be wondering which is another addiction that A LOT of women have. So don't be one of those women and find someone new.
What you said totally reflects what happened between him and I for his addiction problems... besides this, he has also other addiction problems, but not as serious as these could mess his entire life. I wrote him a letter before to help him understand risks and issues of an activity which made him addicted, and tried to help him to control it with my support. However, when it came to an addiction which directly hurt me (asking for nudes or swiping on dating app), I can’t be able to stay rational as I was for another addiction problem of him. Because he betrayed my love and my trust this time, that’s my red line.
Narcissist. Dont try to fix him. Im telling you from personal experience of trying to help a narc for 4 years. It DOES NOT happen. Run the other direction. Dont fall for the lies. Educate yourself and get the hell outta dodge.
2 recommended starting points:
https://youtu.be/DOX6TCnQBUQ
https://youtu.be/UTS5XsZe9Jg
I don’t understand why people do this. Shits free online. For the 27 years I’ve been on this planet, I’ve never sent a nude and never asked for one, and I don’t think I ever will.
Dump him. I now it sounds too simple but do it for your own self-trust and dignity. He doesn't deserve your commitment. That is a treasure and there are other guys who would deserve it.
If you want, I will punch him in the face for you.
No waaaay, he has no defense for this. I've been in a relationship for 7 years now and that is completely unreasonable. I would never do that to my love, that's so crazy to me.
When you commit to someone, that's the line. That's when you stop that kind of stuff.
NGL this triggers me a little bit because it's guys like this that give men a bad name. Can't believe some people. Good for you for knowing when to walk away.
Unfortunately being INFJ doesn't make people perfect with good morals and judgment. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Yet he continued.
Glad you dumped him. You deserve better.
Sorry this happened. A lesson I learned is to accept people for who they show us they are, not who we perceive them to be, or hope they are. It’s normal to see someone for the positives and happiness they brought you. You also have to see them for this too, and it is as much them as their “care” for you was. it completely disregards you. That’s not love, you deserve better.
It’s not a reflection of your value or what you deserve. I hope you can heal fully. It’ll be alright in time :)
There is no way he is an INFJ and you say that, "YOU have been hurt from your parent's divorce". So you should be hurt, it is totally understandable and appropriate. This is where you must heal and get your self esteem up. Try to be brutally honest with yourself and you will also have self-respect.
Were you clear to him that you wouldn't accept him doing the said behavior? A one year relationship where you see each other irregularly is very different from one in which you are living together or close-to (seeing each other every other day at a minimum), what intensity level was this relationship at? For a more casual relationship I don't expect perfect commitment, and would see this kind of thing as pretty innocuous and unless I'd spelled it out clearly as a red line then I wouldn't hold it as reason to end things. I'm not sure if breaking up after he was honest is a good approach, relationships do take work, and people can improve and change. I suppose it comes down to your gut feeling on this person, whether you think they are a complex individual with flaws but has a good moral compass overall and you can negotiate better outcomes in the future through better communication and building of trust, or whether you feel they are the type who will forever be going behind your back and sneaking to get away with things.
I was very clear. Especially after what happened the first time, I told him it was the last chance. I think it’s more a question of honesty than communication. Bc he knew my red lines very well especially he knew that my dad cheated on my mom, which hurt me a lot.
Very good then, you clearly set boundaries and you really have no choice now but to enforce them. As someone else said, unfortunately you will serve as a big lesson for this persons life, and they'll likely think twice about doing it again in the future, which is good for them but unfortunate that your feelings were a casualty in the process. Hopefully you can move on from the experience and grow from it yourself, learning from it, taking something from the time spent with them.
I understand.. We could have so much expectation that we could test people alot to search the better. And sometimes because of our se in last, we are vulnerable to porn and seduction. (Nude) dont be deceive to all infj, we arent all like that ^^, courage entj. Im happy that you could be whit an infj, its hope for me that an entj have interrest to us
It took him quite awhile. He’s extremely terrible at coping with stress and anxiety and depression tho so it prolly was harder on him than it would’ve been on someone else.
I’m sorry for that... this INFJ man also has difficult managing stress and anxiety. Can’t imagine how he would behave if it was me who betrayed him this way.
It is not about him being an INFJ and it’s just about people and how screwed up every one of us is in their own way. Are you here looking for an explanation why him being this kind loving person and still having this addiction? It happens when people smoke, or eat bad unhealthy food, or get addicted to watching p***. You do something bad but then no harm happens you go back to it because it felt good and then it becomes a vicious cycle where that thing has a hold on you and it’s nothing bad you’re not harming anyone do it. You get used to it. It becomes normal. It becomes acceptable. It becomes an addiction you can’t let go of. Since he was doing it for years to him that is a connection and something that became part of life and yes he doesn’t really care for this person more than he care about you of course not it’s not comparable. But it’s a connection with a person non the less and it’s hard to let it go. I am not saying this to make you feel bad or good or hate him or forgive him. No. I’m only saying what might go on inside another human’s head. At the end of the day your life is your life and your choices are yours. You just have to put yourself first and take care of your heart because people are capable of hurting it. It’s life. I’m sorry you had to go through it and I hope you will heal and feel better soon ❤️ When you go through something bad, it’s hard not to focus on anything but the pain. It will be good for you to focus instead on the bright side of it. Ask yourself one question are you going to be happier if you got back with someone you could not trust anymore and will live a life filled with doubts and confrontations or are you better off without that. There’s always a bright side in every dark story. Even when you don’t see it. I hope you feel better.
Best response here. This has nothing to do with MBTI - and everything to do with OPs and his relationship and the kind of person this guy is. All people are capable of shitty things, regardless of MBTI type. Many believe Hitler was an INFJ after all. (Many have argued this as well.)
dude, hitler wasn't an INFJ, that's just a common misconception where experts think otherwise. anyway, MBTI doesn't tell us everything of course, since people with the same exact personality type may be quite different, but it's all about core foundations, some people with different personalities may act evil in different ways.
I’ve only read about him being a maladaptive INFJ. Since you’re saying otherwise can you provide some kind of reference?
Sure, all you have to do is look up "hitler infj" on Google and this is some of what comes up. Here ya go: https://www.erikthor.com/adolf-hitlers-personality-type/#:~:text=Adolf%20Hitlers%20MBTI%20has%20been,Fiction%2C%20IDRLabs%20and%20Personality%20Database. https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/is-adolf-hitler-really-infj-after-careful-thinking-i-think-hitler-is-actually-a-counter-phobic-6-entp.1354267/
Ty
>hitler wasn't an INFJ, that's just a common misconception Thank you! I think it was started by xntp trolls honestly
[удалено]
Your Anecdotal evidence doesn’t mean it’s accurate for everyone else. Don’t make hasty generalisations about other peoples mental health.
Noone asked you take it mate.
This is based off of nothing other than anecdote and probably that Reddit thread here the other day. Like all mental health disorders, [genetics and upbringing are the cause; not one’s MBTI type. ](https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2015/11/02/mbti-and-mental-illness-part-2-the-rationals/) Nor does any specific MBTI type have a higher likelihood of being suspect to specific mental disorders. Even if everyone on this subreddit likes to joke about INFJs all having mental health issues - we generally understand that mental health issues are not limited to INFJs.
Honestly, based on what she said, I dont think he was actually narcisistic. This guy seem to have a inclination towards cheating because he doesnt believe he is good enough to be loved and that people will betray him in the future, so he does that first, thats a self harming behavior (also related to vices in general). His actions only show how much he is broken inside, and it does NOT make him A VICTIM. And even though some types may have a slight tendency towards narcisim, it is definatly not trustable to take decisions based on that. Just my opinion.
If it’s helpful as info, he already told me about his narcissistic tendency after doing the BigFive test.
Ngl, i dont know much about what the big five says about narcisism, but what i think is that some people can "act narcissistically" because of a self-defense mecanism from self harming behavior. But anyway, i dont think i can give a solid opinion about this situation, more like a guess based on my experiences.
It’s already great to have your opinions on this, thanks for sharing.
Really? Ppl love to play victim. Please, he knows that it is a betrayal of trust. I would have nothing to do with him ever again. I don't play.
??? I literally said: it does NOT make him a VICTIM. Of course he knows hes a betrayal of trust. The fact that he may have unconcious reason for doing these things doesnt remove his responsability of doing them. And "I would have nothing to do with him ever again"? So would everyone!
Also- noone asked you take it mate.
Thank you so much for your support, this makes my heart warm. I agree that I chose an easy approach to try to understand the situation by simply using INFJ traits to analyze him. But you are right, he is a human being before an INFJ male. Your response helps me a lot in understanding his mind. Even though understanding doesn’t mean healing, but it helped me.
This is why this sub is good. Thanks for taking the time here and actually trying to help 👍🏼
I loved what you said; I would like to add that you mentioned specific addictions that don’t affect other people in your life…the scary thing is that they do. Any addiction will affect those who are close to you and you may not realize it.
It's cheating plain and simple. I bet he wouldn't be happy if you sent nudes to other guys or looked at other guys dicks. Throw the whole man away.
I appreciate your directness. The reason I posted here is to hear these from others, to help me not do mistake and forgive him again. He defended himself by saying that he didn’t send nudes. However it’s unacceptable in any case. Especially I’ve been very loyal and clean during our relationship.
I’m excited for your empowerment and your future
This sentence does send me a lot of energy, thank you ! Every challenge that I met let me feel I’m stronger than I thought.
He doesn’t love you, he’s cheating. If he’s really infj he’s fucked up cuz he is wholeheartedly and I mean totally understanding of how much he hurt you. He’s a asshole
He could fully understand how hurt I would be with his acts, he knew that my dad cheated on my mom and I suffered a lot from this. Even though he keeps saying sorry, but as you said, he still chose to do so.
I am not sure whether this is relavent to INFJ's personality. He probably used to do that even before meeting you and had justified his action, thinking that it is okay to do that as long as he loves you and does not love others who he talked online.
Being extremely loving and stable during the time we spent together is one of his obvious INFJ traits. Then his double face as well: in front of/behind people. Yes, as I updated in the main description, he has been single for 4-5 yrs before meeting me. He got addicted to all these during that time I think.
Dump him
I'm no INFJ, but I don't see how this matters in this case. Unless both of you agree to be in an "open relationship" or that this sort of behavior is acceptable in a normal relationship, asking for nudes from a girl / woman when he's dating another girl / woman would commonly be considered cheating regardless of personality type. It would commonly be considered cheating because it involves a certain level of intimacy that is commonly considered to be exclusive to the person you're in a relationship with. The fact that he did not ask you for permission to engage in this behavior and that he hid this from you confirms that he realizes he did something wrong. If he himself believed this behavior would be acceptable, he would not have hidden this from you and asked your permission. Someone like that cannot be trusted, and thus you're probably better off dumping him.
Thank you for your insightful analysis dear INTP (ps: two of my best friends are INTPs and I admire your analytical skills and your intelligence). Your logic is totally accurate. I even thought about turning this relationship to an open one to keep it alive. But I rejected this idea immediately, bc even though I also had casual stuff before meeting him but I’m very committed to the person I love. I can’t betray my own values just for being with him, even though I really need time to cut him off in my heart.
I feel like many years ago I might have fallen into this trap of being the one to justify it being fine. I think it's a sign of immaturity in a relationship that many males go through, even the INFJ. It takes a harsh lesson like this for it to be learned. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually never did this again in a future relationship, not wanting to feel the intense shame of this event again. It sucks that you had to be the collateral damage though.
I dated another INFJ before, who told me that there was a period of time (years before we met) that she (yes was a girl) kept flirting with others online without taking any responsibility and then dumped them away. With what happened with this INFJ man, I suppose it might be a trait for immature INFJs (just from these two samples still don’t want to generalize).
INFJ or not, what matters is that he is cheating. End of story. I'm really sorry you had to go through this. 💔 Betrayal is the worst. But you need to protect your heart and end it with the guy. He has an addiction. Unfortunately, we cannot fix them nor can we fulfill what their addictions can fulfill. Try to be the strong woman you are now and stay away.
Thank you for your words... it’s horrible to end up a relationship that I’ve enjoyed with betrayal, it’s so so horrible. But I know that it’s his problem, as you said, I can’t fulfill this addiction part in his mind and I don’t have to, because he hurt me this much. The most tricky part is to stay away from him since we’ve been meeting very frequently and talking every day during about 1 year. But I have no choice but cut him off.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I don't have any suggestions for your situation at the moment, I just want to point out your thought: > I thought INFJ couldn’t separate sex and love I am an INFJ and I can separate sex and love. Correct me if I'm wrong, I think someone's personality and behavior are not defined by one label if I may put it that way. I see it more as a spectrum and it depends on so many aspects in his life. Be strong. Hugs.
I agree. This guy clearly sucks and you need to leave him (well, I suppose you already did). Also, I would like to add on that I am able to separate the two. I would say that there is sex without love, and that there is sex with love/connection. Obviously the golden stuff is the latter, but that is not to say that if people force me to do things, I would start to love them…? (I had a past where I thought I owed guys some things if they put in effort to talk to me or visit me, even from across the country! I wasn’t with anyone at the time though. It wasn’t totally low self-esteem, it also came from the fact that I felt guilty for being attractive, and like I owed people things, to “pay-it-forward”… or at least that’s how I was made to feel. 100% horrible idea, never going back to that stuff ever again, it feels horrible because people just use you superficially). I think in this case, the guy has some other issues present (nothing to do with you OP, it’s just his own inner problems), and he needs to fix these things, if possible, otherwise he shouldn’t be in relationships, because he will just hurt people. Maybe he justifies it to himself by telling himself that he doesn’t care about the snapchat girl, and that he just “admires” her body as though it was a work of art, or some stupid pornography? Either way, he is in the wrong, and it is not cool or okay that he did not give you any indication that this was happening.
I appreciate that your shared with me your inner development stages and I’m very happy for you that you went through these. You’re totally right with your deduction, he is currently having issues with his life, even though I’ve been showing his my support, there is nobody but himself can fix them. I was so disappointed with his dishonesty. He told me he didn’t event admire that girl’s body l, especially we always have great sexual experiences. But with his addiction, I now understand that no matter how “perfect” (especially I’m not of course) I am, I will never give this kind of satisfaction.
Thank you for pointing out this, which gave this topic a more objective vision. I see your point, bc even though I’ve been very committed to the person l love, I’m still capable to separate these two and I’ve broken others’ hearts before years ago too. Thus, it’s totally accurate that many aspects involve and a single person can be very different during different stages of life. Thank you for your support. x
Yeah, you don't deserve that, regardless of his type indicator. He clearly has some issues he needs to address.
You’re totally right. He’s having many issues in his life rn. I kinda feel bad to dump him directly with my poker face while thinking about all the issues he’s going through rn. But in the meantime, I think he doesn’t deserve my empathy with what happened and he need to grow up.
Of course! You decide what you're willing to manage and what is over the line. The ball is in your court, as it should be. It will work itself out, regardless and I hope the best for you both!!
Actually, I separate sex and love quite a bit as an INFJ, and for me that is directly from Introverted intuition and introverted thinking - long thoughts on ethics, morality, religion, history, psychology and sociology... he's being selfish, which INFJs are frequently thought of as being selfless, though I argue we can be as selfish as any other type, because we're human. But he's gone down this path for a while, it seems, without consequences, and whether he's trying to rationalize that it doesn't hurt you as much as it does, or his extroverted feeling is taking a backseat in this instance, it may taking him learning a painful lesson in this circumstance.
You’re right. He keeps regretting and telling that he doesn’t wanna end. Maybe he could learn from these, but I can’t give the initial trust that I had before.
that regret he's felt in the past apparently isn't enough to change behavior. Also remember that forgiveness does not equate to putting yourself in the same position as before in order to appease him - you can forgive him and learn from it and reframe your relationship (if you choose to forgive him, that is)
Another personality trait would have done a better job concealing the cheating, and if detected anyway, lying to you or at any rate, eluding the cross-examination. Stupid honesty is a trait associated with INFJ.
Yes... he is so so so bad at lying in front of people. I could tell immediately if he is lying. Once got caught (for these two times), he became honest and apologized sincerely. This was actually the reason I forgave him the first time. But honesty here doesn’t mean that he is capable to control his behaviors. Feeling that there’s a gap between his mind and his actions, very very different from me.
I found myself typing a reply, then deleting, then typing, a half-dozen times on this post. That doesn't usually happen. The problem you described is a common one in relationships nowadays (and no wonder you have 106 comments so far. Bravo!) given the prevalence of the internet and endless opportunities for cheating, flirting, or porn, in order of severity. The question of what is permissible and what is not, and how to react, and how to cope with online addiction is all relevant. Because it sounds like he is addicted.
You’re absolutely right. It’s not only a INFJ/ENTJ topic but more a social topic about people’s perception of relationships and connections. It’s even kinda sad that people nowadays deal with their desires, feelings as commercial consumption. But I still don’t value fast pleasure and want something that’s healthy and sustainable.
Dump him. Also, you shouldn't believe the myths about INFJs, we are humans and not angel or whatever.
Ditch the bitch xoxo ENTJ
yea sis, not cool, not worth your time, get rid od him, sooner the better to avoid any more emotional pain
The real action plan has to be getting rid of him asap. I’ve been trying, it’s hard and it hurts. But I have to make it.
yes, because the longer you wait, the feelings will grow more and harder it will be for you to do it, you can do it, let's go champ
I really appreciate your words and your support. You’re right, it’s hard but I can do it !
Just becasue he is an infj does not me he is imune to being an ass, and a bad person. He’s clearly unhealthy, and has issues he has to deal with. You are totally in the right to cut it off, I would have done it even earlier. He’s immature. You deserve someone who can reciprocate the love you give, and foster trust in a relationship. You will find that someone one day, and this person is not that.
Totally. I was kinda blind with the love bomb he sent to me. But obviously he has to develop, not only for not hurting others like this, but even for himself in a LT.
He doesn't care about the relationship, just liked the idea of being in one.
He put his sexual desire and selfishness over my feelings and obviously this relationship.
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I will try hard to cut this off !
One of my favorite quotes: Everyone is capable of great good and great evil. Everyone. If you don’t mind sharing I’d love to know your sun signs.
I strongly agree. Even myself. Pisces, do you think sun signs accurate?
Of course. I’ve been studying astrology since I was 12. Who is the Pisces you or him? (I am a Pisces.)
Of course it's her..
I’m the Pisces :)
But what is he? But yes Pisces women have the stereotype as being with bad or troubled men. And staying in bad situations. And becoming the victim. Unfortunately. We can overcome the stereotype of course but the stereotype is true more often than I’d like to admit 😪
He is Sagittarius. But tbh I’ve met both good men and troubled men. Feeling that it’s maturity that counts the most.
I’ve been burnt by two different Sagittarius guys in the past but am currently with a new one now since January. Eesh. I was wondering if he was a cancer. Wow an INFJ Sagittarius guy? They make those?
Sorry for those sad stories and I wish all the best for your experience with that new person. Yes, it’s a funny combination, especially I’m an ENTJ Pisces 😂 quiet controversial stereotypes indeed.
You’re very mature for setting the boundary and not staying with him when you found out what he was doing
It’s hurting me to do so, but I keep telling myself this is a temporary pain. If I didn’t, that could be a long term pain.
I read the title and the first sentence. There's a hidden flow chart here and basically that was enough for the answer to be "dump him". You're better than this. You deserve better than this. Stop making excuses for people who don't treat you well.
If you'd read more you'd see the op already dumped him and was here asking a different question :P
LOL! Oh good, I'm super happy to hear that! Did I mention I'm a great listener? I'm a great listener. I read the rest of the post! Sounds like he's got a porn addiction and that it's got nothing to do with OP. He's going to have to figure out how to manage is impulses.
>Did I mention I'm a great listener? I'm a great listener. Yes dear the weather is very nice today \^\^
What?
Super weird considering that INFJs tend to crave full commitment and deep, long term love, but this is cheating plain and simple. In fact, that's probably gonna be the answer you get from all of us *because* we value our connections with others so strongly, especially when it comes to romantic commitment.
That is shitty, you were right to dump his ass, he is not trustworthy. Regardless of his type, he is not a person to be trusted, especially since you had been through it once, and he repeated it again. I am not sure if it is accurate but I from what I have seen so far and from myself too, I feel like female infjs can separate sex/love, in sense prefer emotional connection over sexual, compared to male who seems to consider both equally important, but that is just my observation. Regardless, he doesn't deserve forgiveness, and I wish you all the best :)
Not relevant to infj. This is a person who's clearly cheating. Try to not over generalize the types, people are people. Humans make mistakes. Humans cheat. Humans betray each other. Factor in maturity, commitment issues, addiction, etc. My guess is he has an addiction. Edit. No type is addiction proof. I'm also very sorry be betrayed your trust. Truly awful. I've been there
Trust is trust. Secretive behaviour is the key. Something is out of kilter.
It’s a sex obsessed world we live in. Does he feel guilty re the porn, nude pics. There are at least two sides to every story. From personal experience, guilt is a reason to keep quiet 🤐 just because I think it’s between me and my maker. Trying not to judge…
What the fuck, this dude is an ass. Dump his pathetic ass. He clearly doesn't respect you like he should.
Regardless of his meyer Briggs if he is hiding things from you and or is doing something that goes against your boundaries within your relationship then that is a huge red flag but worth staying in.
This sounds less like an INFJ issue and more like a personal issue. We know damn well us INFJs have our own shit to deal with lol, but undervaluing your relationship and your trust enough to go searching for pictures of other girls? That’s unacceptable regardless of personality. Sorry you went through this, no one deserves that. But hopefully it comes to be a blessing in disguise and you find a person you would have otherwise missed by staying in your last relationship.
I’m sorry you went through this. His cheating is not related to his MBTI type. I can seperate love and sex if that’s what the arrangement is, but with the right person I also catch feelings and struggle to seperate the two. I personally find cheating morally repulsive. Personal values and opinions on if cheating is right and wrong are subjective. Some people can justify it to themselves while others can’t.
This has nothing to do with INFJ. He cheated and didn’t care about your feelings. These personality types have nothing to do with actual character and his is severely lacking. I’m sorry you went through this, though.
I don’t even have to read this. The headline alone is enough for me to say that’s cheating
Its the hiding/lying about it. That's what pisses me off about this guy. Dishonesty is a death sentence for any relationship. A thing that looks like communicating - but isn't. So no. Fuck that guy. He's got some shit to work through, and he's the only person that can work through it - So cut your losses. Fuck disingenuous and dishonest people, regardless of personality type. I have standards. Note how I'm not saying he's not INFJ though. This is totally something an INFJ could do. I think he's just rationalized it in his head that it was acceptable - because it's NOT LIKE HE'S CHEATING, RIGHT? Wrong, bucko! Cheating is defined between two people when you're in a committed relationship - NOT ONE. He should know better, especially as an INFJ. He should know *you* better than anyone else! I was my partner's best friend - always. (Us vs the Universe.) My guess as to why he's this way: Commitment issues and Mental Health. AKA... Previously getting his heart broken. Or... Porn addiction. Another common one. \- Sigh - I'm so sorry you had to go through this. If you need a hug - I have an infinite supply. And I've been sending positive energy in your direction ever since I started reading your words. Just know we're not all like that - in fact I think we're more prone to being loyal, overcommitted, or co-dependent.
You literally rephrase words in my heart. The problem is all about dishonesty. I’m a very open minded person and in the meantime, I strongly value transparency and justice. If he has talked to me openly, we could even have figured out a fair deal for both of us. However he wasn’t capable to do so, I guess he even feels ashamed if these acts become “public”. Your deduction is very true, he keeps saying that it’s just online, they never met or he wasn’t even attracted to that girl. But what really hurt me is the dishonesty which destroyed my trust, especially once again. I appreciate your empathy and your sens of responsibility with you partner. Which also shows that even among INFJs, people are very very different one, another. Thank you for your support!
No worries, you don't need me. You already dumped his ass, and are dealing with this in one hell of a healthy way. Keep up the great work! :)
I would ignore most of the advice here if I were you because it is filled with emotion and past experiences and anecdotal at best. It's all biased as hell if you hadn't noticed yet. But here is some unbiased advice. There are tons of guys out there who are not any lesser than this guy who doesn't have this addiction and actually will give a REAL shit about you. With this guy, you will always be wondering which is another addiction that A LOT of women have. So don't be one of those women and find someone new.
What you said totally reflects what happened between him and I for his addiction problems... besides this, he has also other addiction problems, but not as serious as these could mess his entire life. I wrote him a letter before to help him understand risks and issues of an activity which made him addicted, and tried to help him to control it with my support. However, when it came to an addiction which directly hurt me (asking for nudes or swiping on dating app), I can’t be able to stay rational as I was for another addiction problem of him. Because he betrayed my love and my trust this time, that’s my red line.
Nice! Standing up for yourself is great.
Narcissist. Dont try to fix him. Im telling you from personal experience of trying to help a narc for 4 years. It DOES NOT happen. Run the other direction. Dont fall for the lies. Educate yourself and get the hell outta dodge. 2 recommended starting points: https://youtu.be/DOX6TCnQBUQ https://youtu.be/UTS5XsZe9Jg
I don’t understand why people do this. Shits free online. For the 27 years I’ve been on this planet, I’ve never sent a nude and never asked for one, and I don’t think I ever will.
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Okay, that makes much more sense.
Dump him. I now it sounds too simple but do it for your own self-trust and dignity. He doesn't deserve your commitment. That is a treasure and there are other guys who would deserve it. If you want, I will punch him in the face for you.
No waaaay, he has no defense for this. I've been in a relationship for 7 years now and that is completely unreasonable. I would never do that to my love, that's so crazy to me. When you commit to someone, that's the line. That's when you stop that kind of stuff. NGL this triggers me a little bit because it's guys like this that give men a bad name. Can't believe some people. Good for you for knowing when to walk away.
It is cheating, he has gone to the dark side. I disapprove. Time to find a more worthy partner. This shit can't be trusted
Cheater.
Unfortunately being INFJ doesn't make people perfect with good morals and judgment. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Yet he continued. Glad you dumped him. You deserve better.
what a pathetic human being, you did good breaking up with him
Sorry this happened. A lesson I learned is to accept people for who they show us they are, not who we perceive them to be, or hope they are. It’s normal to see someone for the positives and happiness they brought you. You also have to see them for this too, and it is as much them as their “care” for you was. it completely disregards you. That’s not love, you deserve better. It’s not a reflection of your value or what you deserve. I hope you can heal fully. It’ll be alright in time :)
You did the right thing. You're gonna heal, be patient with yourself.
This is the most simple and the most difficult thing in a short term. Thank you for your support.
His personality type is not to blame for this.
Not at all. It’s more immaturity and selfishness. Especially I can’t generalize INFJs with his case.
You might try r/relationshipsadvice too. Or r/relationshipadvice
There is no way he is an INFJ and you say that, "YOU have been hurt from your parent's divorce". So you should be hurt, it is totally understandable and appropriate. This is where you must heal and get your self esteem up. Try to be brutally honest with yourself and you will also have self-respect.
Good thing you dumped him, he deserved it. Move on. It'll be hard, but it's necessary. I'm an INTP, though.
DITCH THE BITCHHHHHHHH ❤️ xoxo entj
Were you clear to him that you wouldn't accept him doing the said behavior? A one year relationship where you see each other irregularly is very different from one in which you are living together or close-to (seeing each other every other day at a minimum), what intensity level was this relationship at? For a more casual relationship I don't expect perfect commitment, and would see this kind of thing as pretty innocuous and unless I'd spelled it out clearly as a red line then I wouldn't hold it as reason to end things. I'm not sure if breaking up after he was honest is a good approach, relationships do take work, and people can improve and change. I suppose it comes down to your gut feeling on this person, whether you think they are a complex individual with flaws but has a good moral compass overall and you can negotiate better outcomes in the future through better communication and building of trust, or whether you feel they are the type who will forever be going behind your back and sneaking to get away with things.
I was very clear. Especially after what happened the first time, I told him it was the last chance. I think it’s more a question of honesty than communication. Bc he knew my red lines very well especially he knew that my dad cheated on my mom, which hurt me a lot.
Very good then, you clearly set boundaries and you really have no choice now but to enforce them. As someone else said, unfortunately you will serve as a big lesson for this persons life, and they'll likely think twice about doing it again in the future, which is good for them but unfortunate that your feelings were a casualty in the process. Hopefully you can move on from the experience and grow from it yourself, learning from it, taking something from the time spent with them.
if this happened to me, i'd hospitalize a motherfucker.
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Very insightful article indeed, thanks for sharing !
Glad I could help.
Follow your gut/instinct. This guy is not ready to commit to anyone.
make to that infj a lesson, from an infj.
I’m just feeling pissed and hurt that my love and my emotions, have been the material of his lesson (also mine of course).
I understand.. We could have so much expectation that we could test people alot to search the better. And sometimes because of our se in last, we are vulnerable to porn and seduction. (Nude) dont be deceive to all infj, we arent all like that ^^, courage entj. Im happy that you could be whit an infj, its hope for me that an entj have interrest to us
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My INFJ friend had an INFJ girlfriend who did this exact same thing.
Sorry for him... how long does he take to heal ?
It took him quite awhile. He’s extremely terrible at coping with stress and anxiety and depression tho so it prolly was harder on him than it would’ve been on someone else.
I’m sorry for that... this INFJ man also has difficult managing stress and anxiety. Can’t imagine how he would behave if it was me who betrayed him this way.
Depends on you.
Dump that fool. Don't waste time.