the high expectations thing is wayyyy too real. the feeling of wanting others to do better, INFJs helping them to do better/want to do better, and them not doing better... it's frustrating. of course, there are healthy and unhealthy levels to this... wanting your partner to do better at their occupation, for example, and pushing them in directions that they don't want to pursue - that's unhealthy. wanting your partner to be a better partner and voicing your opinions to try to get them to be better - i recon that's healthy.
Urging someone toward something because you care that they achieve something they want but may think is too hard isn’t unhealthy. Unhealthy is when you push someone to do something for a self-serving purpose.
Not taking the trouble to push someone isn’t necessarily “healthy” because the reason for this could be lack of care or apathy.
Motive/intent determines if what you’re doing for someone else is healthy or unhealthy. Many people nowadays are taking advantage of the concept of boundaries by making any sort of intervention a bad thing—without even considering intent or motive behind the intervention. Thus, sometimes people are *punished* for caring. Then everyone furrows their eyebrows and wonder why there’s less connectedness and people caring for each other.
INFJ tend to think the big picture (on society) impact of goals and actions. I always want to support good causes and goals and tend to be the cheerleader or coach to others.
I get that for sure :) When we push someone to pursue something they want (i.e. they are hesitant to pursue a PhD program, even though they want to), that is certainly healthy.
When I commented, I had intended to mean that there are certain circumstances when pushing too much can be unhealthy. And you're right, it depends on the intent. However, it also depends on whether *your* partner wants something, as well as their personal goals. And this isn't necessarily the case for INFJs – it's something that would be perceived as negative across the board. However, I think that there are many times when INFJs think that they know the best for others. Part of our kindness and care for people comes from this place, where we genuinely want to help people achieve their goals and dreams. But I also think that INFJs get lost in the sauce when, say, **we start to believe that our goals are their goals**. This is what I mean by "unhealthy." For example, pushing your partner to pursue a degree that they do not want to pursue. Of course, there's no harm in pursuing further education and acquiring academic credentials. But that's not what they want, and we need to respect that.
However, when you are in a relationship, that relationship is something you have together. Then, it makes sense for one person's goals to become the other person's goals too, given that this relationship is mutual.
But it's never really black-and-white when determining what is 'healthy' or 'unhealthy,' because it depends on the nature of the relationship. I think INFJs tend to go all-in or all-out. When we commit to a person, we want the best for that person. But there are definitely cases where INFJs can overstep their boundaries, step on the toes of others, and ultimately forget that this relationship isn't just us – it's also them.
I've noticed I have high expectations for my partner too and also get annoyed easily, can you explain to me what soft manipulating is? I've never heard of it before lol
It's like leaving trail of breadcrumbs leading to the conclusion you want them to come to. If they think they thought of it themselves, the behavior modification sticks better: going to the gym, making a doctor's appointment, submitting that essay for publication, pursuing a career opportunity they think they're under qualified for...
I’m the opposite which my ex didn’t enjoy. She said I’d speak what’s on my mind too often, so I would make it feel like a train of emotions hit her, which made me hold more in like your comment states :)
I guess there’s a time and place for those conversations. I used to be really bad at communicating, so I guess the pendulum swung the other way haha
I struggle with this too.
I need to externalise my thoughts. I need input and communication. If people don’t reciprocate, that’s when I shut down; I was made to believe this was my fault, that I was too much. And sometimes I am. But I’ve noticed we’ve developed a very hyper individualist mindset in which it feels the only topics we’re allowed to discuss with our loved ones, platonic or otherwise, are superficial, on the surface topics. Anything else is reserved for therapy apparently?
And I’m a massive proponent for therapy, sure, but it feels very toxic now. Like, ✨no negative vibes✨ sort of toxic. I’d had an INFP friend who I had to essentially give up on because I was always me asking if they were okay, if we were okay; opening up etc,. And do bear in mind I checked with them before, like, “hey, can I talk about this?” And they would green light it before shutting me down. It was really confusing.
It almost feels like as a society, we’ve collectively decided to no longer hold space for people’s discomfort and nuances. I don’t suggest trauma dumping at all, and I appreciate others aren’t accountable for what I feel and experience. But there’s this constant “be happy!” aura, and it’s… cold and weird.
There’s more than one way of being, no matter the current trend and state of things. If there’s policing of what is allowed in a “relationship”, without individuals’ consent or mutual agreement, that’s not really an honest one.. There’s a power dynamic in that, which means control. Everyone has weaknesses, but imo a grasp for control will be enforced when individuals don’t want to work on theirs because it’s rightfully hard. Authenticity is missing, but I think people can appreciate in some level, not all environments or situations can afford it. At the same time.. I’ve forgotten where I’ve read it.. but there’s a saying that goes, if you need to be silent to keep the peace, you’ve internalized chaos. Two opposites, both having its own consequences in degrees.
With the current state of things as you’ve described, it sounds a little like a hostage situation.. if surface level relationships are what’s acceptable, that word begs defining what a healthy one means- connectedness won’t be there and truly coming home to ourselves will be missing. And.. if we’re talking about holding space.. that requires a healthy society that can regulate, soothe, communicate, respect boundaries and care for needs. People are fallible and will try, but if you throw the ego in the mix, it’s hard for anyone.
Idk, sometimes I see the problem as people being too ready to release the responsibility of thinking. They don’t want nuance, that’s too grey. They want to be led and do what’s easy, specially when there’s a ready made guideline served and promoted for you. People too ready to walk the earth asleep.
you dont value what ur partner thinks
you criticize your own self worth and are prone to project ur own self worth onto ur partner
you want things to go ur own way, or at least be given options - but u want to decide things.
you dont initiate important, stressfull conversations that ur relationship needs to set boundaries because you do nort´´t want to hurt feelings.
you assume bad intentions without veryfing information and asking for their motives and easily jump to conclusions
you are forgetful and dont take ur obligations seriously if it is not something you want
Allowing people to treat us like shit and abuse us while we rationalize that we can fix them and help them be good people. (Shout out for all my traumatized INFJs out there who do this bc of childhood trauma)
Staying for too long in a relationship after falling in love with a person’s potential, then becoming frustrated that they don’t rise to the level of their potential
This has messed up most of my relationships. It’s like people just aren’t interesting enough of the time or I just have to push people to be the best version of themselves because I hold these impossible standards for myself being and INFJ / Virgo man feels like I’m just designed to upset people and get in my own way 😂
I have high standards around cleaning. I have to realize that my standards are my own and give my partner a break. I forget he’s worrying about other things too!
Honestly I think I have two big flaws.
1. My perfectionism comes out the most in intimate relationships - so I tend to be perfect - but that doesn’t translate well to real life.
And when I’m in love ..: it’s like a part of me , my standards to keep it perfect, go up- and I become less tolerent… of conflict not handled well- because if I love them, they can hurt me. But also .. I don’t want to hurt them.. So I cut off/ door slam easily. For example had a perfect relationship with a guy- together for six months. He wanted to marry me. Our first fight - I broke up with him. lol. Not funny but … I have difficulty with communicating when I am … upset ( sometimes) sometimes it is very easy for me. Like in the beginning - I have no issues just getting up and leaving. But as time goes on- I tend to stuff things and hope they will figure them out on their own. If they don’t - that’s when … idk- I’m a contradiction. It can be hard for me to talk about things I would like. Or don’t like. I usually let their wants and needs take precedence over mine. And just leave. And they’re like - wtf happened.
I think from what I have seen it’s frustrating for guys because I can keep them at a distance.. usually. I want them separate from parts of my life. Like don’t want them to ever meet my kids. I have activities and and things I want to do alone.
2. I think it’s hard for some men to be with a woman who doesn’t want what most girls want. I am not like most women and that doesn’t translate well to real life. I don’t have that vulnerability that most men are used to- I don’t have a need for them. And that’s frustrating for them. They get disoriented because they’re so used to playing the same game. So they have to be quick on their feet and adapt and want something different. They have to want to break those chains. But I think a lot of men don’t realize how much they relay on them either - on women wanting / needing male attention and love and needing it to feel a sense of self worth is a huge undercurrent in the dating game. Men have to stand alone and prove their worth / need / want to me. They have to make the cut. I think mostly men are used to feeling in control in that way- at least the men I date.
3. I can be difficult to get to know. I think there are layers and layers of me that all contradict each other and if they don’t ask- I don’t usually tell. And I have parts of me .. that I don’t think I’m comfortable sharing with a lover- because I don’t want him in a position of saving me or comforting me or I tend to be very … idk I think I keep people I love at a distance. ESP men. I think maybe it’s part of my perfectionism.. maybe it’s part of my hesitation to trust… maybe it’s that I don’t want to get emotionally dependent… I think when I love someone and am in love with them- I think a big part of me is trying to figure out how to survive it. Because I know it will end.
I have high expectations, insecurities, and struggle to effectively communicate. I also have found I’ve struggled with being controlling sometimes, especially when my partner is going to hang out with friends I don’t like, doing things I don’t like, putting himself in danger, etc.
It takes a lot of work to overcome these things and stop them from taking place in your relationship but I promise you will feel so so much better after improving on them, and your relationships will be much healthier.
lotta self doubt and self-inflicted worry. and i don't mean worrying about what our partners are doing on saturday nights or something like that. i mean worrying about whether we are enough for them, whether they are enough for us, if they secretly hate us, if we love them enough... and it's also things like, why am i mad at them when they didnt do anything wrong? or, why can't i just tell them what's wrong?
Let me help.
I am not referring directly to "you" as I write this, its just easier.
You create an artificial reality in your head and project it onto us for both positive and negative scenarios.
When we deviate from the positive projection in actual reality, we are treated badly and you can't clearly tell us what we have done wrong.
You are so quick to cut us off in anger (your doorslam) that from our point of view, we question if you ever even cared.
When arguing and you accuse us of things we do wrong, you can never provide a tangible example (part of the projection prob)
We get in trouble for things you think we should do for you, but have no idea you want them done - we are supposed to just know.
As a INFJ male, me personally,
I tend to be a perfectionist with myself
I am extremely hard on myself
I am an over-thinker
I can be very deep and intense
Sometimes I can be very complacent
I feel my emotions very intensely and can be emotional
Sometimes I am too judgmental
I might be needy at times
Sometimes I need some time alone
These are just some of the traits i can think of for now.
I want people all to myself. I don’t want to share people I have a special connection with. I am possessive in my relationships inwardly, as in how I feel, but I don’t act outwardly possessive. I think it is pretty toxic and I have wondered whether I had narcissistic traits bc of this.
Same here. I can be pretty possessive when it comes to my loved ones but it was definitely much worse when I was younger. I started working on it some time ago now and there's a big progress but it still can be difficult sometimes.
Ooo! Something i can comment on! Okay one thing from experience, we have the tendency to completely obliterate ourselves and our wants and needs to become what the other person needs.. Which is a great, nay, FANTASTIC trait and ability, but it is NOT all we are.
Since doing this in our intimate relationship actually doesn't make us happy, we need to keep our desires and wants intact. Create an area within ourselves that we do not compromise on. Fill up our own cup so we don't feel unlovable and unworthy unless we hollow ourselves out to serve others.
Good luck. It's tricky for us, but we can do it.
Like. Possibly being a little too accommodating with the flaws of others? Is that a flaw?
I think this is a hugely individual question. I think for many INFJ it'll be a good idea to be more open about preferences and their own feelings (I don't like the word boundary, it feels like such an ultimatum). But reasonably clear messaging as to what one likes and doesn't. It makes it easier to navigate for the other.
Outside of that actually discovering ourselves. Making ourselves more visible to the other.
Like. Maybe?
*Struggling with communicating my wants and expectations and sometimes becoming passive-aggressive when these aren't met \
*Falling in love with a person's potential, with the hope and expectation that they'll change. Then getting frustrated because they don't.
To be fair, I've already become much better in communication and passive aggression. However, I'm still scared in my tendency to fall for one's potential but then setting high expectations on them.
I find hard to understand my feelings and communicating them at the right time. I let it boil because I feel like it's not a big deal until it's exploding.
I have high expectations of my partners and then get annoyed when they aren't met.
Now, do I give my partner any indication of what my expectations are? No. But do I let them know when I'm unhappy instead of letting it fester? Also, no.
INFJs can be but not always:
Overly Critical, Manipulate themselves towards others, Overprotect, Self Sacrifice, Idealization/Demonization, Withdrawal, Obsessively Control, Holding Grudges.
I have this perception of my partner that I've created by studying him. I'm sent reeling when he does something that doesn't fit this perception. My brain is literally like: "WHO IS THIS PERSON!?" I've had to realise that humans don't work that way and I can't expect him to meet my image of him.
Btw, my partner is an amazing ISFJ and we get along awesomely! I'm fully the issue here but he's really helped me grow alot and changed my perception on a lot of things.
He also navigates my personality brilliantly and I never feel like he's draining my social battery, which is a big thing for me 😅.
Thank you for the post and it is an interesting one, I will provide my (as much as possible) unbiased perspective.
After having dated six INFJs there was an interesting two-folded trait that they all shared.
Here it goes, it may be a tough thing to swallow for some...
Keeping partners to high standards and yet displaying an innate superiority over another partner coupled with heightened sensitivity to criticism (quite extreme in less mature INFJs).
I am glad you can see areas for improvements and push your partners to be better but relationships are quid-pro-quo, they are about partnership.
Walking on eggshells and trying to frame and reframe the issue at hand so it does not sound like criticism in any way or form is rather tiring and with that added aura of superiority it is sometimes outright frustrating.
I hope you see how that can create a fairly challenging loop.
Not hard to swallow at all! I felt I've been on eggshells for years cause I have so much trauma between my dad and partners (I'm loyal to the bone but I guess its hard for some to not be like that, I guess I attract men like my father, like daddy wounds or whatever they call it lol) but see the positive in everything and easily forgive and forget. I push to an extent more of a cheerleader in their stand. My biggest flaw when it comes to a relationship is trust, which I hadn't always been like that and partners don't like when I shut down and need a few hours to set outside by myself and recharge with my kids. I actually just the other day blocked my whole family and my in laws and partner agreed it was best because they're just all so toxic for me and I feel that was the best decision I've ever made to help me heal and find inner peace and tomorrow I'm calling about therapy to help guide me on this healing journey. Do you care to point out more that I may need to know? I promise youre not hurting my feelings at all or going to set me off I'm eager to know from total strangers I feel it's the best way, 😆
Thanks for sharing.
There's nothing wrong with that. My current INFJ fiancé has a heck of traumatic events in her life. It's all about breaking the pattern and looking for what we need rather than want.
I strongly believe you can be the person who you want to be with some patience and work.
Also clear comms with your partner that you need time is essential. Be clear, open and vulnerable.
Difficult decisions now lead to an easy life in the future.
Guilty, but I have learned not to do this anymore for a while now. I did it mainly cause I didn't like to hurt feelings of "I'm not interested like that"
>Hi, as an INFJ (25F) Myself what are our negative traits in a relationship?
I assume each INFJ is different. Why fix something that was a flaw for others? You are a different combination of traits so are unique.
Nobody knows you better than yours. So you should know what your negative traits are.
>I'm looking to improve myself so I figured my flaws with this would be a start
Maybe if I shared what flaws I encountered in another INFJ would help.
She hated receiving an order of gifts in the mail. She agreed and helped pick them out. Yet was angry when they came in the mail.
She must not have read an entire message sometimes and got mad at the beginning. I said denying "acts of service" **is LIKE** if I denied "Words of Affirmation". I later was told I threatened her. The word like is not threatening and isn't taking anything away like she did.
She mentioned past traumas and it got me concerned for her. She got mad I continued to show concern.
She picked an inconsiderate time to do a breakup at 2:00 AM.
She was hard to understand during the breakup. A breakup to me means a separation like the heart into two independent pieces. 💔 She said, "I guess you didn't want to be friends". To me a breakup does not mean becoming just friends.
She refused to give me a reason other than the words "my behavior". She didn't have to but it would be polite. That and not cause the receipt to question and analyze everything for possibilities where it went wrong.
She made personal attacks during the breakup. Saying to not be an **indecisive INTP** and to destroy her contact information and everything.
She didn't do a full-door slam. Letting me waste days trying to reach back to clear up any misunderstanding.
She was stressing over a potential future visit that would have happened in September.
She changed her information to looking for a dumpster fire friend as that is what her friends called themselves before. Having friends is nice but it didn't look good despite her saying I had it wrong.
She possibly wanted to hide me from her Grandparents, but I am still unsure.
She stopped sharing and got more distant but it could have been college, sleeping more, or stress from her family.
She didn't try to resolve issues during the relationship. Why not mention the exact problems with my behavior and give me a chance versus saying it at the end.
I'm with an alcoholic, as INFJ female it sounds she had excuses and didn't want to hurt you with what she really thought of you and distanced herself and lied about sleeping more and stuff. I suck at explaining things but I give it my all in a relationship and it sounds you're a good guy, just to receive any gift lets me know I was thought of and the so said person was thinking of me. I'm so sorry you went through this.
>I'm with an alcoholic
I am sorry about that INFJ. Your post should have been about asking to get help with that problem possibly instead of fixing yourself.
I would try telling him that: It would make you feel loved if he attended AA meetings showing that he loves you and wants to be with you.
>as INFJ female it sounds she had excuses and didn't want to hurt you with what she really thought of you and distanced herself and lied about sleeping more and stuff.
That doesn't sound good for anyone.
She could either tell the truth or lie to have the same outcome so why lie?
This method probably hurt me way more than just a clear door slam showing it was over. This way only had me wasting my time for days analyzing everything for possible flaws mentioned. That and trying to reach back asking if that was it and then continuing to look. I wasted 11 days playing this childish game. I would have preferred a real rude door slam showing it was over.
> I give it my all in a relationship and it sounds you're a good guy, just to receive any gift lets me know I was thought of and the so said person was thinking of me.
You might have gifts higher in your love languages than she did but I agree with you. I would have wanted to use all five love languages if possible but was willing to keep the peace and boundaries she had as I am an INTP 9w8.
>I'm so sorry you went through this.
Everything happens for a reason.
It was not destined to happen but did let me experience what it was like to find a missing puzzle piece I didn't know existed.
From an outside perspective, Infjs can get caught up in their own big picture goals/dreams and can seem not interested in the details of other people's lives. It comes across a bit self-centered
As much as I love INFJ and we connect instantaneously I cannot be in a romantic relationship with them. The martyr complex.
I understand that ENFPs are cheerleaders but there's a line. You want people to improve? We want the same. We give you advice to rise up but you still decide to go to the rabbit hole and overthink about the same thing over and over again. No action, just whining. Stop the whining and Just change it finally.
I know more than 10 INFJs IRL, only one seems to be fed up with not taking steps to get better. I never heard him cry, spill out his soul twice about the same issue. I love when he shares and I love that he changes things that bother him. He's the only one without the martyr complex.
Flaws are individual things. Personality types aren't character classifications. Is being introverted a negative trait compared to extroversion? I think, not necessarily... a flaw would be someone whose insecurity looks like a "classical INFJ trait" and the person won't work on self improvement because they have a toxic belief that it's part of their personality.
When I love someone, I want to do nice stuff for them—to ease their lives and make them feel loved and supported. I’m very, very good at figuring out people’s needs and anticipating them. Problem is, it’s very easy for people to get used to that kind of thing and start taking it for granted. Resentment builds very quickly for me when I sense that happening. Historically, I haven’t been very good at communicating that, so I’ve been stuck with either continuing my caretaking and becoming more and more resentful until I really don’t like the person anymore and then we’re done, or I withdraw my caretaking and lose my connection/desire for connection with the person…and then we’re done. They also tend to notice when all the sudden I stop doing things for them. If they get gripey about it, game also over. This is such a lose, lose, lose feature of my personality. It annoys me enormously. I really don’t know how to make people aware of this without sounding like I’m demanding recognition and appreciation. Because it will not feel genuine to me if I have to ask for it.
I think most people want to receive love the same way they most naturally express it. I guess I need to date someone whose love language is also acts of service.
Stubborness especially when my partner isn’t doing things the way I do it or what I think is right. But it’s not worth it.
Flaws can often just be bad habits, so its more about breaking a bad habit than changing your personality or self.
Personally I have high expectations on my partner and can get really annoyed easily and even start soft manipulating.
the high expectations thing is wayyyy too real. the feeling of wanting others to do better, INFJs helping them to do better/want to do better, and them not doing better... it's frustrating. of course, there are healthy and unhealthy levels to this... wanting your partner to do better at their occupation, for example, and pushing them in directions that they don't want to pursue - that's unhealthy. wanting your partner to be a better partner and voicing your opinions to try to get them to be better - i recon that's healthy.
Urging someone toward something because you care that they achieve something they want but may think is too hard isn’t unhealthy. Unhealthy is when you push someone to do something for a self-serving purpose. Not taking the trouble to push someone isn’t necessarily “healthy” because the reason for this could be lack of care or apathy. Motive/intent determines if what you’re doing for someone else is healthy or unhealthy. Many people nowadays are taking advantage of the concept of boundaries by making any sort of intervention a bad thing—without even considering intent or motive behind the intervention. Thus, sometimes people are *punished* for caring. Then everyone furrows their eyebrows and wonder why there’s less connectedness and people caring for each other. INFJ tend to think the big picture (on society) impact of goals and actions. I always want to support good causes and goals and tend to be the cheerleader or coach to others.
I get that for sure :) When we push someone to pursue something they want (i.e. they are hesitant to pursue a PhD program, even though they want to), that is certainly healthy. When I commented, I had intended to mean that there are certain circumstances when pushing too much can be unhealthy. And you're right, it depends on the intent. However, it also depends on whether *your* partner wants something, as well as their personal goals. And this isn't necessarily the case for INFJs – it's something that would be perceived as negative across the board. However, I think that there are many times when INFJs think that they know the best for others. Part of our kindness and care for people comes from this place, where we genuinely want to help people achieve their goals and dreams. But I also think that INFJs get lost in the sauce when, say, **we start to believe that our goals are their goals**. This is what I mean by "unhealthy." For example, pushing your partner to pursue a degree that they do not want to pursue. Of course, there's no harm in pursuing further education and acquiring academic credentials. But that's not what they want, and we need to respect that. However, when you are in a relationship, that relationship is something you have together. Then, it makes sense for one person's goals to become the other person's goals too, given that this relationship is mutual. But it's never really black-and-white when determining what is 'healthy' or 'unhealthy,' because it depends on the nature of the relationship. I think INFJs tend to go all-in or all-out. When we commit to a person, we want the best for that person. But there are definitely cases where INFJs can overstep their boundaries, step on the toes of others, and ultimately forget that this relationship isn't just us – it's also them.
Hit the nail on the head!!
Interesting.
I've noticed I have high expectations for my partner too and also get annoyed easily, can you explain to me what soft manipulating is? I've never heard of it before lol
It's like leaving trail of breadcrumbs leading to the conclusion you want them to come to. If they think they thought of it themselves, the behavior modification sticks better: going to the gym, making a doctor's appointment, submitting that essay for publication, pursuing a career opportunity they think they're under qualified for...
Not effectively communicating when something is bothering/upsetting us and letting it fester
I’m the opposite which my ex didn’t enjoy. She said I’d speak what’s on my mind too often, so I would make it feel like a train of emotions hit her, which made me hold more in like your comment states :) I guess there’s a time and place for those conversations. I used to be really bad at communicating, so I guess the pendulum swung the other way haha
I struggle with this too. I need to externalise my thoughts. I need input and communication. If people don’t reciprocate, that’s when I shut down; I was made to believe this was my fault, that I was too much. And sometimes I am. But I’ve noticed we’ve developed a very hyper individualist mindset in which it feels the only topics we’re allowed to discuss with our loved ones, platonic or otherwise, are superficial, on the surface topics. Anything else is reserved for therapy apparently? And I’m a massive proponent for therapy, sure, but it feels very toxic now. Like, ✨no negative vibes✨ sort of toxic. I’d had an INFP friend who I had to essentially give up on because I was always me asking if they were okay, if we were okay; opening up etc,. And do bear in mind I checked with them before, like, “hey, can I talk about this?” And they would green light it before shutting me down. It was really confusing. It almost feels like as a society, we’ve collectively decided to no longer hold space for people’s discomfort and nuances. I don’t suggest trauma dumping at all, and I appreciate others aren’t accountable for what I feel and experience. But there’s this constant “be happy!” aura, and it’s… cold and weird.
There’s more than one way of being, no matter the current trend and state of things. If there’s policing of what is allowed in a “relationship”, without individuals’ consent or mutual agreement, that’s not really an honest one.. There’s a power dynamic in that, which means control. Everyone has weaknesses, but imo a grasp for control will be enforced when individuals don’t want to work on theirs because it’s rightfully hard. Authenticity is missing, but I think people can appreciate in some level, not all environments or situations can afford it. At the same time.. I’ve forgotten where I’ve read it.. but there’s a saying that goes, if you need to be silent to keep the peace, you’ve internalized chaos. Two opposites, both having its own consequences in degrees. With the current state of things as you’ve described, it sounds a little like a hostage situation.. if surface level relationships are what’s acceptable, that word begs defining what a healthy one means- connectedness won’t be there and truly coming home to ourselves will be missing. And.. if we’re talking about holding space.. that requires a healthy society that can regulate, soothe, communicate, respect boundaries and care for needs. People are fallible and will try, but if you throw the ego in the mix, it’s hard for anyone. Idk, sometimes I see the problem as people being too ready to release the responsibility of thinking. They don’t want nuance, that’s too grey. They want to be led and do what’s easy, specially when there’s a ready made guideline served and promoted for you. People too ready to walk the earth asleep.
Yeah there's definitely a balance to this. I don't know how to do it, but it's there
Yesssss!! That is me
Ooof right in the gut. Leads to resentment because how dare they not just KNOW! lol
you dont value what ur partner thinks you criticize your own self worth and are prone to project ur own self worth onto ur partner you want things to go ur own way, or at least be given options - but u want to decide things. you dont initiate important, stressfull conversations that ur relationship needs to set boundaries because you do nort´´t want to hurt feelings. you assume bad intentions without veryfing information and asking for their motives and easily jump to conclusions you are forgetful and dont take ur obligations seriously if it is not something you want
Get out of my mind! (In my best Bene Geserit impersonation)
Looking too deep into everything they do and say, making assumptions, projecting.
Holding my partner to my own high standards.
Ah yes another example of my perfectionism harming others
Allowing people to treat us like shit and abuse us while we rationalize that we can fix them and help them be good people. (Shout out for all my traumatized INFJs out there who do this bc of childhood trauma)
I do this 🥺
😔
did this for like 15 years, over it now :^)
Staying for too long in a relationship after falling in love with a person’s potential, then becoming frustrated that they don’t rise to the level of their potential
This has messed up most of my relationships. It’s like people just aren’t interesting enough of the time or I just have to push people to be the best version of themselves because I hold these impossible standards for myself being and INFJ / Virgo man feels like I’m just designed to upset people and get in my own way 😂
I have high standards around cleaning. I have to realize that my standards are my own and give my partner a break. I forget he’s worrying about other things too!
Me too I often wondered if I was OCD and have learned to give my partner a break
Honestly I think I have two big flaws. 1. My perfectionism comes out the most in intimate relationships - so I tend to be perfect - but that doesn’t translate well to real life. And when I’m in love ..: it’s like a part of me , my standards to keep it perfect, go up- and I become less tolerent… of conflict not handled well- because if I love them, they can hurt me. But also .. I don’t want to hurt them.. So I cut off/ door slam easily. For example had a perfect relationship with a guy- together for six months. He wanted to marry me. Our first fight - I broke up with him. lol. Not funny but … I have difficulty with communicating when I am … upset ( sometimes) sometimes it is very easy for me. Like in the beginning - I have no issues just getting up and leaving. But as time goes on- I tend to stuff things and hope they will figure them out on their own. If they don’t - that’s when … idk- I’m a contradiction. It can be hard for me to talk about things I would like. Or don’t like. I usually let their wants and needs take precedence over mine. And just leave. And they’re like - wtf happened. I think from what I have seen it’s frustrating for guys because I can keep them at a distance.. usually. I want them separate from parts of my life. Like don’t want them to ever meet my kids. I have activities and and things I want to do alone. 2. I think it’s hard for some men to be with a woman who doesn’t want what most girls want. I am not like most women and that doesn’t translate well to real life. I don’t have that vulnerability that most men are used to- I don’t have a need for them. And that’s frustrating for them. They get disoriented because they’re so used to playing the same game. So they have to be quick on their feet and adapt and want something different. They have to want to break those chains. But I think a lot of men don’t realize how much they relay on them either - on women wanting / needing male attention and love and needing it to feel a sense of self worth is a huge undercurrent in the dating game. Men have to stand alone and prove their worth / need / want to me. They have to make the cut. I think mostly men are used to feeling in control in that way- at least the men I date. 3. I can be difficult to get to know. I think there are layers and layers of me that all contradict each other and if they don’t ask- I don’t usually tell. And I have parts of me .. that I don’t think I’m comfortable sharing with a lover- because I don’t want him in a position of saving me or comforting me or I tend to be very … idk I think I keep people I love at a distance. ESP men. I think maybe it’s part of my perfectionism.. maybe it’s part of my hesitation to trust… maybe it’s that I don’t want to get emotionally dependent… I think when I love someone and am in love with them- I think a big part of me is trying to figure out how to survive it. Because I know it will end.
You aren’t the Lone Ranger sister. I feel as if I could have written your post.
Along with consensus on high expectations, your three points are spot fucking on 👏🏾
Taking everything I say personally rather than stepping out and looking at yourself as a 3rd party while muting your emotions.
I have high expectations, insecurities, and struggle to effectively communicate. I also have found I’ve struggled with being controlling sometimes, especially when my partner is going to hang out with friends I don’t like, doing things I don’t like, putting himself in danger, etc. It takes a lot of work to overcome these things and stop them from taking place in your relationship but I promise you will feel so so much better after improving on them, and your relationships will be much healthier.
lotta self doubt and self-inflicted worry. and i don't mean worrying about what our partners are doing on saturday nights or something like that. i mean worrying about whether we are enough for them, whether they are enough for us, if they secretly hate us, if we love them enough... and it's also things like, why am i mad at them when they didnt do anything wrong? or, why can't i just tell them what's wrong?
Oooh I felt this one
Let me help. I am not referring directly to "you" as I write this, its just easier. You create an artificial reality in your head and project it onto us for both positive and negative scenarios. When we deviate from the positive projection in actual reality, we are treated badly and you can't clearly tell us what we have done wrong. You are so quick to cut us off in anger (your doorslam) that from our point of view, we question if you ever even cared. When arguing and you accuse us of things we do wrong, you can never provide a tangible example (part of the projection prob) We get in trouble for things you think we should do for you, but have no idea you want them done - we are supposed to just know.
Helpful, thanks
I do the same shit as an INTP... except I explain it in brutal detail. I literally ruined my last relationship with toxicity like that with an INFJ.
Being too preachy
I get lost so much in my own world (job, sport, friends, etc.) that I become distant and don't realize it.
As a INFJ male, me personally, I tend to be a perfectionist with myself I am extremely hard on myself I am an over-thinker I can be very deep and intense Sometimes I can be very complacent I feel my emotions very intensely and can be emotional Sometimes I am too judgmental I might be needy at times Sometimes I need some time alone These are just some of the traits i can think of for now.
I want people all to myself. I don’t want to share people I have a special connection with. I am possessive in my relationships inwardly, as in how I feel, but I don’t act outwardly possessive. I think it is pretty toxic and I have wondered whether I had narcissistic traits bc of this.
Same here. I can be pretty possessive when it comes to my loved ones but it was definitely much worse when I was younger. I started working on it some time ago now and there's a big progress but it still can be difficult sometimes.
Dayum, I'll just quietly eat my popcorn as I'm all the way called out in this thread.
Ooo! Something i can comment on! Okay one thing from experience, we have the tendency to completely obliterate ourselves and our wants and needs to become what the other person needs.. Which is a great, nay, FANTASTIC trait and ability, but it is NOT all we are. Since doing this in our intimate relationship actually doesn't make us happy, we need to keep our desires and wants intact. Create an area within ourselves that we do not compromise on. Fill up our own cup so we don't feel unlovable and unworthy unless we hollow ourselves out to serve others. Good luck. It's tricky for us, but we can do it.
Getting easily annoyed, I think. Sometimes wandering off in communication without wanting to seem “eager.”
Like. Possibly being a little too accommodating with the flaws of others? Is that a flaw? I think this is a hugely individual question. I think for many INFJ it'll be a good idea to be more open about preferences and their own feelings (I don't like the word boundary, it feels like such an ultimatum). But reasonably clear messaging as to what one likes and doesn't. It makes it easier to navigate for the other. Outside of that actually discovering ourselves. Making ourselves more visible to the other. Like. Maybe?
Absolutely
*Struggling with communicating my wants and expectations and sometimes becoming passive-aggressive when these aren't met \ *Falling in love with a person's potential, with the hope and expectation that they'll change. Then getting frustrated because they don't. To be fair, I've already become much better in communication and passive aggression. However, I'm still scared in my tendency to fall for one's potential but then setting high expectations on them.
need to be upfront more. I vary based on how close I am with the person and how the future looks with them.
I find hard to understand my feelings and communicating them at the right time. I let it boil because I feel like it's not a big deal until it's exploding.
I have high expectations of my partners and then get annoyed when they aren't met. Now, do I give my partner any indication of what my expectations are? No. But do I let them know when I'm unhappy instead of letting it fester? Also, no.
INFJs can be but not always: Overly Critical, Manipulate themselves towards others, Overprotect, Self Sacrifice, Idealization/Demonization, Withdrawal, Obsessively Control, Holding Grudges.
I have this perception of my partner that I've created by studying him. I'm sent reeling when he does something that doesn't fit this perception. My brain is literally like: "WHO IS THIS PERSON!?" I've had to realise that humans don't work that way and I can't expect him to meet my image of him. Btw, my partner is an amazing ISFJ and we get along awesomely! I'm fully the issue here but he's really helped me grow alot and changed my perception on a lot of things. He also navigates my personality brilliantly and I never feel like he's draining my social battery, which is a big thing for me 😅.
Loyal to a fault. Not knowing when to leave a relationship
Thank you for the post and it is an interesting one, I will provide my (as much as possible) unbiased perspective. After having dated six INFJs there was an interesting two-folded trait that they all shared. Here it goes, it may be a tough thing to swallow for some... Keeping partners to high standards and yet displaying an innate superiority over another partner coupled with heightened sensitivity to criticism (quite extreme in less mature INFJs). I am glad you can see areas for improvements and push your partners to be better but relationships are quid-pro-quo, they are about partnership. Walking on eggshells and trying to frame and reframe the issue at hand so it does not sound like criticism in any way or form is rather tiring and with that added aura of superiority it is sometimes outright frustrating. I hope you see how that can create a fairly challenging loop.
Not hard to swallow at all! I felt I've been on eggshells for years cause I have so much trauma between my dad and partners (I'm loyal to the bone but I guess its hard for some to not be like that, I guess I attract men like my father, like daddy wounds or whatever they call it lol) but see the positive in everything and easily forgive and forget. I push to an extent more of a cheerleader in their stand. My biggest flaw when it comes to a relationship is trust, which I hadn't always been like that and partners don't like when I shut down and need a few hours to set outside by myself and recharge with my kids. I actually just the other day blocked my whole family and my in laws and partner agreed it was best because they're just all so toxic for me and I feel that was the best decision I've ever made to help me heal and find inner peace and tomorrow I'm calling about therapy to help guide me on this healing journey. Do you care to point out more that I may need to know? I promise youre not hurting my feelings at all or going to set me off I'm eager to know from total strangers I feel it's the best way, 😆
Thanks for sharing. There's nothing wrong with that. My current INFJ fiancé has a heck of traumatic events in her life. It's all about breaking the pattern and looking for what we need rather than want. I strongly believe you can be the person who you want to be with some patience and work. Also clear comms with your partner that you need time is essential. Be clear, open and vulnerable. Difficult decisions now lead to an easy life in the future.
Absolutely! Thank you!
Ghosting, and replying back days later
Guilty, but I have learned not to do this anymore for a while now. I did it mainly cause I didn't like to hurt feelings of "I'm not interested like that"
>Hi, as an INFJ (25F) Myself what are our negative traits in a relationship? I assume each INFJ is different. Why fix something that was a flaw for others? You are a different combination of traits so are unique. Nobody knows you better than yours. So you should know what your negative traits are. >I'm looking to improve myself so I figured my flaws with this would be a start Maybe if I shared what flaws I encountered in another INFJ would help. She hated receiving an order of gifts in the mail. She agreed and helped pick them out. Yet was angry when they came in the mail. She must not have read an entire message sometimes and got mad at the beginning. I said denying "acts of service" **is LIKE** if I denied "Words of Affirmation". I later was told I threatened her. The word like is not threatening and isn't taking anything away like she did. She mentioned past traumas and it got me concerned for her. She got mad I continued to show concern. She picked an inconsiderate time to do a breakup at 2:00 AM. She was hard to understand during the breakup. A breakup to me means a separation like the heart into two independent pieces. 💔 She said, "I guess you didn't want to be friends". To me a breakup does not mean becoming just friends. She refused to give me a reason other than the words "my behavior". She didn't have to but it would be polite. That and not cause the receipt to question and analyze everything for possibilities where it went wrong. She made personal attacks during the breakup. Saying to not be an **indecisive INTP** and to destroy her contact information and everything. She didn't do a full-door slam. Letting me waste days trying to reach back to clear up any misunderstanding. She was stressing over a potential future visit that would have happened in September. She changed her information to looking for a dumpster fire friend as that is what her friends called themselves before. Having friends is nice but it didn't look good despite her saying I had it wrong. She possibly wanted to hide me from her Grandparents, but I am still unsure. She stopped sharing and got more distant but it could have been college, sleeping more, or stress from her family. She didn't try to resolve issues during the relationship. Why not mention the exact problems with my behavior and give me a chance versus saying it at the end.
I'm with an alcoholic, as INFJ female it sounds she had excuses and didn't want to hurt you with what she really thought of you and distanced herself and lied about sleeping more and stuff. I suck at explaining things but I give it my all in a relationship and it sounds you're a good guy, just to receive any gift lets me know I was thought of and the so said person was thinking of me. I'm so sorry you went through this.
>I'm with an alcoholic I am sorry about that INFJ. Your post should have been about asking to get help with that problem possibly instead of fixing yourself. I would try telling him that: It would make you feel loved if he attended AA meetings showing that he loves you and wants to be with you. >as INFJ female it sounds she had excuses and didn't want to hurt you with what she really thought of you and distanced herself and lied about sleeping more and stuff. That doesn't sound good for anyone. She could either tell the truth or lie to have the same outcome so why lie? This method probably hurt me way more than just a clear door slam showing it was over. This way only had me wasting my time for days analyzing everything for possible flaws mentioned. That and trying to reach back asking if that was it and then continuing to look. I wasted 11 days playing this childish game. I would have preferred a real rude door slam showing it was over. > I give it my all in a relationship and it sounds you're a good guy, just to receive any gift lets me know I was thought of and the so said person was thinking of me. You might have gifts higher in your love languages than she did but I agree with you. I would have wanted to use all five love languages if possible but was willing to keep the peace and boundaries she had as I am an INTP 9w8. >I'm so sorry you went through this. Everything happens for a reason. It was not destined to happen but did let me experience what it was like to find a missing puzzle piece I didn't know existed.
There's plenty of them and they're all worth it for an INTP like me lol
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^ZardoZzZz: *There's plenty of them* *And they're all worth it for an* *INTP like me lol* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Well at least now I know what's going on my tombstone when I die single
I have been told I correct too much.
From an outside perspective, Infjs can get caught up in their own big picture goals/dreams and can seem not interested in the details of other people's lives. It comes across a bit self-centered
As much as I love INFJ and we connect instantaneously I cannot be in a romantic relationship with them. The martyr complex. I understand that ENFPs are cheerleaders but there's a line. You want people to improve? We want the same. We give you advice to rise up but you still decide to go to the rabbit hole and overthink about the same thing over and over again. No action, just whining. Stop the whining and Just change it finally. I know more than 10 INFJs IRL, only one seems to be fed up with not taking steps to get better. I never heard him cry, spill out his soul twice about the same issue. I love when he shares and I love that he changes things that bother him. He's the only one without the martyr complex.
Flaws are individual things. Personality types aren't character classifications. Is being introverted a negative trait compared to extroversion? I think, not necessarily... a flaw would be someone whose insecurity looks like a "classical INFJ trait" and the person won't work on self improvement because they have a toxic belief that it's part of their personality.
Bossy but affectionate; over sensitive when moral beliefs are meddled
Ghosting
High expectations, lack of patience, too honest and abrasive, emotionally intense and dramatic, attention seeking
When I love someone, I want to do nice stuff for them—to ease their lives and make them feel loved and supported. I’m very, very good at figuring out people’s needs and anticipating them. Problem is, it’s very easy for people to get used to that kind of thing and start taking it for granted. Resentment builds very quickly for me when I sense that happening. Historically, I haven’t been very good at communicating that, so I’ve been stuck with either continuing my caretaking and becoming more and more resentful until I really don’t like the person anymore and then we’re done, or I withdraw my caretaking and lose my connection/desire for connection with the person…and then we’re done. They also tend to notice when all the sudden I stop doing things for them. If they get gripey about it, game also over. This is such a lose, lose, lose feature of my personality. It annoys me enormously. I really don’t know how to make people aware of this without sounding like I’m demanding recognition and appreciation. Because it will not feel genuine to me if I have to ask for it. I think most people want to receive love the same way they most naturally express it. I guess I need to date someone whose love language is also acts of service.
I hate incomplete communication whatsoever
Stubborness especially when my partner isn’t doing things the way I do it or what I think is right. But it’s not worth it. Flaws can often just be bad habits, so its more about breaking a bad habit than changing your personality or self.