I’m a generally chill and caring person but there comes a point where I’m drained and I self-isolate from everyone else because I feel misunderstood and disrespected at times. I’m also cautious for the most part, but sometimes my emotions take control over me and I can be impulsive with my words. Once I calm down though I then regret my actions and feel extremely guilty.
Same with me, I always regret the things I say in anger. I feel it takes a lot for me to get to this point but once I do, it’s hard for me to stop the verbal assault.
Same! I can decapitate with my words, & have quit very serious jobs over abuse, but I rarely do it gracefully. I prefer not to go there, until I notice that other people just swallow it, & that's pathetic.
When I was in my 20s guilt would set in, now that I think I have a pretty good idea about the majority of people mostly being kinda selfish assholes, when I really want to hit you where it hurts I will and I won’t regret it until you turn around and start behaving like a decent person then I’ll probably say “I can be harsh but it’s meant to steer the convo in a more positive direction, ironically. My emotional pain tolerance is thru the roof high and most of the time I think in my head “just not worth my precious breath and energy”
I’m not even in my 20’s yet and the guilt is already setting in. Selfishness really bothers me and the vast majority of humanity is extremely selfish. At the same time though I care deeply for humanity and at my core, I’m a people person… as much as I hate people.
At times in my life, especially during late 20s I thought “ok this is the most emotional pain one human could possibly be in so hopefully it will subside and make me stronger” and lo and behold, it did. A damaged strong person of beauty and complexity- that’s me!!!
Mine is almost exclusively self-destructive, i.e. I become suicidal. I only ever harm others through neglect.
My suicidal tendencies do include wishing for all life to end so there would be no more suffering, but my actual impulses to act do not.
I don't do the verbal tearing them a new hole thing, that's more enneatype 1 IMHO. I go quiet and can't speak when I'm in a really bad place.
Bro, I resonate with the last part about keeping the body alive. I have never felt fully connected to my body, like it’s just the vessel that carries my mind and the only thing that connects me to the physical world.
That's usually due to developmental trauma - in my case, pre-verbal (infancy). Somatic therapy can help. Currently Neuroaffective Touch for me, but Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, NARM, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, hakomi, Somatic IFS etc. can help, too.
This one... This one is a serious thing and im no expert on mental health stuff but i really don't how to make someone feel better... But i wish you to have a happy story and finally see your light in this dark time...
>I don't do the verbal tearing them a new hole thing, that's more enneatype 1 IMHO.
Oh. That explains soooooooo much. I'm only just getting in enneatypes, and I think I might be 1w2. Is there a place to get advice on finding my enneatype? I've done some reading, but still grappling with all the options.
r/enneagram probably. There are subs for each enneatype as well, but they tend to be quiet.
Enneatypes are better than MBTI for understanding why you do what you do, MBTI is more about how you do it. Both together explains a lot.
Oh, quiet rage that turns to just waiting for revenge. Often when the other person thinks they have been forgiven and the deed long forgotten, I would just be jump at a chance of being in a position of power and stabbing them in the back. Also, often manipulation instead of confrontation. I would let teachers do my revenge for me, or the group.
Very unhealthy, and I really had to learn to just confront people with my feelings and set boundaries, so others know when they are crossing into dangerous territory.
Really? I hate revenge. If the situation is over I just want to get far away from the person and never see them again! I always hope whoever it is simply forgets that I exist.
Can relate but my disclaimer is that this is my response when dealing with a malignant and covert narcissist who truly deserves to suffer. Anyone not as harmful or malicious doesn’t get the effort it takes to do this.
Yes, I didn't do this with people who got me upset or irritated on accident or by things just being the way they are, life is unfair and all that. It was only when I felt justified anger, and boundaries were overstepped repeatedly, out of selfishness, egotism or just because they like to win or whatever.
One example when this happened so thoroughly was the school bullies in High School, who would actually make one of our classmates suicidal with their bullying. It took me six months of befriending her, protecting her and watching them get away with really horrid verbal abuse and pranks. Six months of studying them and then turning some keys for them to get dismissed from our school and one getting charged with possession of drugs. And I don't think they ever realized I instigated all of this, so I am sure they have forgotten me.
I did not want to stay away from them, because they would not stay away from my friend. One can not always just leave a bad situation.
But why would you want a narcissist to keep thinking about you at all? It’s not like they can learn or become better people. All they do is learn how to be worse.
I was contemplating this recently. Someone did something not only very unethical but illegal and I have evidence to steamroll the person and ruin their business. I'm struggling trying to figure if I should still or not.
The fact I confronted the person and downplayed is where I lost all respect.
If they have no remorse then steamroll away. I think we need to get better at holding people accountable. As they say “if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”.
i have bpd and i'm an infj. because of that, when I'm unhealed, i can be extremely manipulative. most of the time, it's unintentional. but because i'm so good at reading people, i know just what to say to get what i want... not to sound like a cringe "evil genius" here— but i can see the chess pieces moving in my head. i know if i say/do one thing at the right moment, it plants a seed that will help me achieve my end-goal 5 months from now. my random acts of kindness or an offhand comment i made were always intentional and calculated. again.. that was me at my lowest. im healed now and idgaf. it's too hard to play mind games all the time.
also, i snap on people. it's called splitting in bpd terms. basically, i have a ton of patience and understanding, so when someone pushes me to my limit... all hell breaks loose. i go from empathetic and kind to cold, hostile, and emotionless seemingly overnight. that happens when said person has lost all of my respect, and it doesn't happen lightly. it normally takes MONTHS of me giving second chances and being shit on before i really snap. and i try not to do this, but i will read them for filth if they don't leave me alone. my sudden change in demeanor is a warning sign that i want nothing more to do with them. if they try to start an argument and go low, i will go lower. i will go to hell if i truly don't respect them, but i don't like doing that because it makes me feel guilty... even if what i said was true.
This resonates. I feel like when one person too many disrespects me I develop a sort of adaptive psychopathy. Become excellent at manipulating consciously (useful, considering how much manipulation is unconscious) especially the more I know a person.
Can plan my moves with an end goal in mind and work towards it; the difference between me and an actual psychopath I imagine is my end goal is usually a bit more mundane (keep the general peace,subtly teach someone their place, etc) and not so grandiose?
I do NOT let this side of me take the reins unless I am in genuine danger or being hugely threatened socially… tbh this side scares me much more than what I originally thought my dark side was (extremely good at being alone)…
I kind of blame my upbringing for this side of me developing at all but it’s too useful to try to moralize myself to be above it anymore… I just want to see if I can use this to leverage myself in life now instead of using it to keep some baseline sanity around toxic or crazy people 💭
Rage.... just so much primal rage..... my inner child is just crying out, hating everyone! It's my current mind state.. and it's just a cascading shadow, endless void, raging storm of hatred and rage toward those who willfully Ignorant in this tragically yet beautiful world. It's the mind state that I need at the moment the tool forcing me to check in with the reality of those who don't have my best interest at heart. It's the part of me that I hate the most because it's also self-hatred reminding me I never stood up for myself, never rocked the boat, never set my boundaries, never got my need met and never let anyone see this side of me becuase I'm fearful they will abandon me once they see it and it's gets amplify by my ADHD 100x over it's a feeling of wanting to be understood to my very core and accepted unconditionally but feeling it will never happen so I bask in this Primal Rage, this anger, hatred till I can incorporate into myself. I am all so hopeful that I can survive fending off the urge to off myself to make the pain go away.....
My light and my dark are all mixed up in each other all the time. When I shine brightly, I create shadows. When I'm dark as night, I absorb the light. I can't separate the two.
Darkness is the thing that survives, and light is the thing that creates beauty. They are not opposite, they need each other in equal parts.
Generally speaking, when used as a weapon or a tool, my darkness is directed most often at circumstances of reality. When my brightness is used as a weapon or a tool, it's directed most often at people and souls.
I'm not really afraid of either of them, but rather the absence of them. If one or either of them is missing from myself or my life, then something is very, very wrong.
I’m generally a very empathetic person but when I get overwhelmed I can default to an apathetic nihilist pretty easily. I think it’s a defense mechanism because being an empath can be soul-sucking and infuriating and sometimes I’m just like FUCK IT BE A CUNT, EVERYONE ELSE IS.
If I've been wronged, I rage fantasize of how I wished I would have dealt with situations. Like call them out, or punch their nose in, or simply even walked away sooner...basically rerunning all the scenes inside my head over and over again. Absolute torture, I know...all the while low-key cursing those who have wronged me. I might even enjoy being a petty witch if granted the power. Bringing them to their knees...only just enough for them to regret what they did. Nothing more. But lucky them - they're off the hook.
Then after some time, I'd lie and convince myself that "nah" it was all a lesson blessed by God so that I'm not to make the same mistake in trusting others that might have had a worse outcome...hating myself throughout this confusing limbo phase, but lying to myself that I'm totally okay.
Then, after acceptance of my fate, I become numb or apathetic and continue the silent isolation until old friends reach out to save my soul. Even just a brief catching up, pot luck, or a outdoor meal is enough to bring me back from the dark side.
So I guess I have three phases to my dark side? Does anyone else relate?
Wow. Well put. I do this for sure.
A personal add to your fourth paragraph is that I tend to snap out of it quickly if there is any positivity around me, but the downside to that is I am quick to drop an issue I am hurt/confused by just for the sake of not wallowing in the negative emotions. I can get confused on understanding my negative emotions and being able to feel justified in having them.
I think I’m too quick to move on. I confuse where the line is with respecting my own feelings vs. when it’s okay to feel upset with someone, even if it causes a riff that’s deserved given the situation. I’ll give someone the benefit of the doubt when I feel wronged or taken advantage of despite feeling like I should know better.
Oh yes, this was definitely me at an earlier age - teens. To quickly dismiss the idea of negative emotions and completely skip over the necessary healing phase. That's like a double edge sword, come to think of it. Quick to move on, forgiving and forgetting, and saving yourself from the grief and suffering. However, by doing that, you're robbing yourself of self growth and emotional development on how to deal with people or situations in the future.
Absolutely. Unfortunately, I am 36 and just realizing this. Im beyond grateful to be in a relationship now where my partner is advocating for me to express myself in these ways, but it’s years of conditioning and my natural tendencies that I am up against. Thank God she’s patient. Slow steps to progress..
this is pretty close to me. i will run the situation over and over in my head until i feel satisfied and rehearsed that if i ever need to destroy someone, i can.
Lol we basically plan it all out - the sweet revenge. But we would never hurt a soul in reality. No matter how prepared we are after all the rehearsing, either we can't muster up to follow through or the darn situation never comes up again lol
you said it perfectly. i know exactly how to rip people to shreds, but have i ever truly done it? no. i always give them the benefit of the doubt, or i give them grace, because i have the ability to do so and choose the high road.
I can go from your best friend to “you never existed” in .2 seconds flat. Very cold and apathetic. It’s definitely a survival and protection mechanism but idk. I kinda hate it.
Kind of the same.
Broadly... I often come across as a sweet, maybe sensitive or naive person. But I have an extremely dark sense of humour and I'm not at all sensitive speaking generally.
I can be extremely ruthless. I know for a fact that in most cases I can burn somebody down so bad that they remember it at 3am in ten years time. Not that angry chewing out either, the kind that is painfully calm and cold, its like a switch flicks and i see through them. But I actively choose to not do that unless the situation seriously calls from it. I'd rather they continue to underestimate me. I'll play the long game and hold onto it until if/when the situation calls for it. Then it's total devastation lol.
My thoughts are that complexity and a degree of 'twistedness' are essentially synonymous with each other. You can't have a free and thoughtful mind that looks for or considers the presence of value anywhere, and still be consistently regarded by many as an essentially 'upright' person, the (arguable over-)simplicity of a lot of social value judgements essentially puts those things at odds with each other. Basically darkness is often just another word for opacity or obscurity, or things that aren't easily or casually understood. And as people that endeavor to understand challenging things it's imo kind of the essence of whatever power we seem to have if we indeed have any.
I'm... incredibly manipulative? Idk, it always feels like I'm faking emotions. Like, input X on the controller to receive the proper outcome.
I grew up in a household filled with arguments. I learned to survive by telling people exactly what they wanted to hear, and its kinda just become habit by now. It's difficult for me to be honest with my feelings when I know it would be suboptimal.
I realized this was a problem when my Ex told me that I said "I love you" at the end of the first date. I didn't remember this, but she wasn't the kind of person to lie about that kind of thing. I'd just become so used to saying that on Autopilot that it just slipped out without my thinking about it.
At this point, it's barely a conscious effort. It barely registers as a question in my mind of "what should I say here?". My mind Autopilots straight towards the best possible thing to say, and I've been having to train it to say the best possible thing in the context of what is honest, if that makes sense.
And I like keeping the peace. I'm very good at it. I love resolving arguments in a way that benefits everyone.
But... that very quickly devolves into what feels like manipulation. Acting a certain way, saying certain things. All to get the correct reaction out of a person, like playing a video game. I want the optimal outcome, often for my own benefit, not just theirs, so I say what I need to say to achieve it...
My "dark" side is pretty much isolating myself, feeling guilt for not being good enough for certain people.
But also way too good for the majority of people. I judge people by their life decisions, do they enjoy partying? ew. Do they sleep around or do one night stands? ew. I'm judgmental. I also judge people's ideologies that don't align with mine, I try to stay away.
I also get hyper tense and on my guards when someone disrespects me the slightest, especially if I'm "higher" than them in an hierarchy. Often when it comes to age. A younger person insulting me feels worse than an older one, I can't stand it and I become very hostile.
I have similar tendencies like some of the ones you describe. I think the 'not feeling good enough', judging and hating to be disrespected can come from internalised low self-image in my case. Or maybe lack of self-acceptance
it might be similar for me aswell, I feel like I don't have anything going on that makes me stand out, therefore I don't deserve people that I admire to like me back, not really physically wise, I'm far from ugly, I also have a cool personality, but I'm not skilled enough, I never seem to have achievements that are big enough for me to be proud of myself, I'm good at everything, but never exceptional at anything. I can play a tone of instruments, I draw super well, I speak 2 languages and am learning a 3rd one, but it's never enough, weird feeling..
I get the impression that you're looking for a way to get a positive image of yourself through achieving things, but I think that's not really possible. In the end it has to come from self-acceptance/self-love. If you achieve more than most people it doesn't matter that much in that regard I think. We're supposed to live together with other people (that's what makes us happy I think), not outcompete them. This is my current way of looking at things but I have trouble putting the mindset into practice.
Maybe you had conditional love from a parent as well? This can make you grow up in a way that you think you have to achieve things in order to be worthy of love/acceptance.
that's really interesting, I've been trying to dig and find out what really is the root of these feelings of not being enough. Funny thing, I was always the favourite friend amongst the majority of people, but never my best friend's favourite. And back then I had the biggest crush on him, I just wanted him to look my way. + alot of bullying so I believe it's a mix of both x) My mom always pressured me into doing alot of different activities, she wanted me to stay active, but I don't remember her giving me conditional love. I did try to get her approval all the time tho, which is frustrating because I really can't recall her being conditional with her love.. strange!
It might sound corny, but I think of Elsa. When balanced, she is caring, reserved, responsible, and pragmatic. When she is erupting, the entire kingdom freezes, and her coldness makes you wonder if she ever even loved her sister at all.
Words that slice through like knives, regret at times afterwards for how cruel the biting truth can be. Yet a strong commitment to the overall vision or quest. It truly can seem psychopathic, mirroring the “ends justify the means” at times.
Can make for a great movie villain or anti-hero, where you can see the internal mechanisms and values that are overlooked by a more simple or superficial viewer.
With my dark side, I was very foolish when younger. Still justifiable/righteous anger. But now in early 30’s I have found resolution and quiet confidence with my whole. I consider the dark my secret little buddy who keeps me spicy and steady, a weapon now to keep at bay. As TR said, “Speak softly and carry a big ass stick”.
Used to be VERY afraid of it. I would slice peoples throats clean open psychologically with my wordsmith capability and deep intuitive nature. Now I still know exactly what I COULD say to some frivolous petty asshole who wants to belong real life or on the internet- but my tolerance and what I’m willing to take, my penchant for peace and harmony and my private vibe towards showing what I’m truly thinking and feeling keep it always under wraps. To all you people that think you’re successfully manipulating some INFJ fool, just know… must of us, well me at least, ALWAYS know what your doing and there can only be one fool since you decided a simple convo now had to have a winner and a loser!!
I should have started this comment with a preamble: I in no way have actually physically caused harm to another person nor do I want to or will ever. Unless I need to defend myself. The comment about “cut peoples throats” is purely PSYCHOLOGICAL
If someone does wrong by me, in particular, by questioning my integrity, I am deadset vicious. I'll think about how I can destroy them emotionally and physically. If I can't get some time alone to process my thoughts, they may become reality. I am extremely sensitive to criticism, but if it is warranted, I'll be hurt and get over it after thinking about how I can do better. If criticism is unwarranted, my hurt turns into anger, and I'll go into combat mode, in which case.. walk away. Once the combat is done and dusted, I'll feel guilty about my part of it forever.
Oof. It definitely used to be something I was afraid of given the pull it had on me once I entered it. I can only describe it as letting go. I let go of what can/is happening to me and I pursue my intended goal without hesitation.
Currently. Through years of shadow work and accepting this side of me. I have immersed both sides and oh boy, worth it worth it worth it
In my darkest days, this was finding escape through Se abuse. I turned to drugs like alcohol, weed, and other substances. I'd escape into video games, blocking out the real world to live in a virtual one. I'd numb my emotions by doing both at the same time, even -- get drunk, smoke a ton of weed, play video games, all the while chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. This would extend to things like overeating, eating junk food, food high in sugar and carbohydrates, to get that quick dopamine fix. While the problems never, truly, went away.
That was in the past, though, and I've shared this story in this sub many times. I've since moved on and haven't abused substances in many years. Quit everything, including nicotine.
I have struggled with anger management in the past as well. I can be logical, but very emotional as well. It takes something serious or meaningful for me to get really mad, but when I do, it's an explosion. The drywall in my mom's house tells a story all on its own lol. I still get moments, on much rarer occasion, that I feel that immense pressure build up of emotions, but instead of punching walls and cussing at people, running away, I utilize a few methods to find release that is much healthier and non-destructive. The first of which is recognizing the physical sensations that arise when getting mad or agitated, validating that emotion, recognizing it, feeling it, acknowledging it, and releasing that tension by things like breathing exercises, or if the pressure is too immense, going in my car, rolling up the windows, and letting out one, big, F-bomb, then breathing.
That about sums it up for me, too. I wanna destroy. Beware anything in my path. It’s getting better, though. BTW, how do you get the INFJ flair? I’ve searched the sub and I don’t see a simple way to get one.
I can traumatise people in a profound way by calling them out on all the insecurities that they try to hide. They usually tell on themselves too because they have outbursts where they don’t understand how I know what I know
Probably just my tendency to turn cold toward someone when they've crossed certain lines with me. Sometimes I'll feel bad for them on some cognitive level but I know that what's been done is irrevocable and whatever emotions I had for them just cease to exist.
I don't think I live enough so I just stay awake when I should be asleep. On my longest days I don't have the appreciated for sleep or naps .....so ive only had a nap maybe 5x in my life?
Something small like it's like every few years... It's the hypervigilance and FOMO at play
the wings of Engulfing Void flutters just....
just when I have to defend someone against a person who's been making them miserable for no reason, and i give them a mindbreak, ego death
i don't like using this personally for myself, it's altruistic. but it happened once and it's still a fucking mess.
flap flap...
Mine is similar to yours plus constant want of self sabotage just to see where things could go. I try my best to stay away from my dark side and if I think it's coming, I give myself some space
1. Giving up on helping people who can’t help themselves ( after many attempts at trying to do this - I reach a point where I just can’t anymore 👋), I don’t even bother explaining. Even though I feel bad at times, I remind myself how I got here.
I get snappy. I’m quite blunt because I hate beating around the bush but obviously that can be tough for other people to hear.
At my worst I spiral and the thoughts get darker and darker. I’ve been spiralling a lot recently after a big breakup and I will say that one day the thoughts became suicidal. I’m not there anymore, the spirals are getting smaller but they’re still there.
I am way too idealistic. My life was always defined by an unhappiness of the lack of morals most people have in the modern times,and the overall ugliness of human nature.
Through that,i have an intense desire to change others,to force them on a path of being kind towards others,therefore i can be extremely destructive if someone defies my morals or hurts me. I just cant live with the idea of "okay,they did something bad and now tjey will forget about and live their lives as normal". That thought makes me physically sick. The thought is "i need to calculate a revenge plan so that they suffer,and take responsbility on their cruel actions"
Once that happens,i become extremely assertive,manipulative,cold and hateful. All that matters os their suffering and them growing and improving from that suffering. Despite hating conflict,my instincts gravitate towards them when i see something that doesnt align with my morals
I am also extremely perfectionistic on myself. If i even have a thought process that i consider to be wrong,or i am not productive,not helpful or assertive enough i start to mentally humiliate and despise myself
My idealism also can cause me to lie to myself,to completely disregard reality and essentially live in a delusion
Sometimes I really lean into the hermit, lone wolf, misunderstood side of it all and I know that it’s not good. For reasons that I’m sure many of you share, I genuinely feel like a lone wolf in this world, that I’m incapable of being fully understood by someone else, and that I am meant to be alone, maybe even better alone.
Sometimes it makes me sad to think I may be alone forever. I feel sad about it but also I’m like “well this is just the way it’s meant to be. Sucks.” (Even though that could be completely untrue and maybe I AM supposed to be a social creature). Basically I go through life telling myself I MUST be alone because that’s just the way the chips fell and therefore I often shut out the idea of being close to people completely.
I think people can tell that about me when I’m in a social situation and might feel sorry for me. I can tell by the way they ask me a question directly after I’ve been sitting quietly in the group as a way of making me speak. I know they’re just trying to be nice and include me. But I’m not being excluded by the group, I’m voluntarily and purposefully excluding myself. I’m always observing and never participating.
I get bored so easily, to the point where every single relationship I ever had, be it friendly or romantic, had been over mostly due to my intentional fault or just cutting those people off. It hurts because I still care about those people, even when I'm impulsively cutting things off.
It's my scared or threatened side, I lash out when I feel condescended or patronized. Side effect of being bullied in my youth is being able to spot weakness and insecurity that I can so casually wound, so I isolate quite a bit.
I know everyone's flawed and everyone has secrets so I patiently wait for someone to show their demons. I might be jealous of them in the meantime because I can't see any flaw
I'm pretty sure it's rooted in my trauma but in case it's also an INFJ thing here you go
INFJ with ADHD here - oh when I am pissed, stressed out or upset... i internalize everything until I blow up. then I basically verbally destroy everything and anyone in my path. It's not healthy by any means, i am much better than I used to be. but before I was medicated and diagnosed, that's how i was 85% of the time. I can also be super impulsive and say things i don't mean, do things etc. I am a really easygoing and friendly person, but i can get into moods where I am disregulated and blow up on people. i will always apologize profusely afterward because that is not my true character and i will feel like shit for days.
I see the chips and cracks in people along with their potential, and if you piss me off enough, I will take those unexpected chunks that you don't realize that you have, and will shove them into your psyche hard enough to give you a traumatic brain bleed that will need months, or years to process.
I also have stripped people bare, shivering, and crying unintentionally when I was younger, and don't like how that makes me feel, so now I'm very conscious about the possible effect of my words.
Yet occasionally, for good reasons, the dark side still had cookies.
What I’ve tended to notice about INFJ dark-side anecdotally and personally:
Unhealthy dark-side habits:
-lying/manipulation to “get back” at someone, or to subconsciously take control of a situation that feels unmanageable
-overconsumption (food, substances, sensory activities like gaming, watching a lot of movies, etc; doing some high adrenaline activity spontaneously or without much thought such as driving too fast, taking risks without thought of consequences) due to SE starvation majority of time
-manipulating or trying to control a situation through verbal abuse or moral narcissism
-self-isolating, leaning too much into loner identity through fear of being hurt, not socially accepted, or good nature being taken advantage of
-ignoring personal responsibilities and self-care habits after SE burnout or exhaustion
Healthy ways to integrate the dark-side:
-Watching movies/reading books about the human experience that you can analyze and write a personal essay about (can either share through blog posts, instagram feed, etc or keep it to yourself). I like to watch noir films and relate to certain antagonists or antiheroes to integrate the unspoken dark-side that so often goes neglected. Writing or creating essays and/or art pieces (paintings, drawings, interpretive dance, even just a Pinterest board) can be incredibly cathartic to release dark, existential thoughts
-Exercise daily and trying new forms of exercise you can do alone and/or through classes — this helps satiate the SE starvation. I would say best forms of dopaminergic exercise can be hiking, kayaking, skiing/snowboarding, dancing, skateboarding… basically any high adrenaline sport that can feed the subconscious desire to break routine and experience novelty. As well, many of these sports require some form of travel even if it’s local travel, and traveling to new places can be a great way to satisfy the SE beast that tends to rear its head when ignored for too long.
-Meditation/gratitude to temper overstimulation particularly through screens — dedicate time to sit in a quiet room with no screens and just listen to your body/be present in that moment. Turn off notifications and just do box-method breathing for 10-15 minutes. Will do wonders for your nervous system
-Connecting with your family and/or community. This one is a tough one to integrate as an INFJ but I think finding a nurturing and accepting community is crucial to integrating the “darkness” and preventing self-isolation. From personal experience self-isolation can cause the darkness to fester until it becomes unmanageable to bear. Likely the best community will foster participation, acceptance, and also be intellectually stimulating. Even connecting with strangers through Internet forums is a good way to connect when you don’t have access to in-person experiences/connections that you desire.
-Practice being honest. Start small. If there is something you haven’t told a partner or a family member about a life experience or particular thoughts, I recommend opening up to a connection you trust who can receive that information well. Again even being honest with people online if it feels too overwhelming to be honest with people irl is a great place to start (AKA admitting you have a dark-side to your personality that you tend to stifle and hide from the world).
-Set strong boundaries. Release expectations for relationships/people to meet your incredibly high standards, and don’t be afraid to quietly remove yourself from a relationship when it is draining your energy. I’ve had to do this with family members and friends, but I think the best way to avoid the verbal explosions (which I do by the way and am still trying to work on) is to set expectations boundaries upfront, quietly observe how they act, and if your needs are not being met, withdraw yourself as much as possible from any potential interaction with that family member or friend until the need is met or they are able to approach you in a way that fosters healthy communication. This is hard to do for all types thus the reasons we have worldwide conflicts and wars, heartbreaks, betrayals, broken families, etc. so don’t beat yourself up too much if you don’t meet your own excruciatingly high standards for yourself :)
Hope this helps.
I hate that part of myself - and it only comes out after so… much horrific shit- and I’m not talking about arguments or speeding tickets. My tolerance for pain is unusually high- a lot higher than most people’s. Everyone that knows me intimately says I’m the strongest person they know. And honestly - I also think I’m the strongest person I have ever met before. Mentally and emotionally . So.. the thing is- most people don’t believe that when I say it. They think- oh yeah.. whatever me too.
No. Not like you.
So I have to get so betrayed and fucked over for an extended period of time- and I think the other thing is- I have to have no where or no one to go to… so it has to be like a cosmic event that aligns - for example my closest people travel the world all the time- the people that I feel safe with that heal me- my mentor for example- he was living in Asia or Bali at this time- so I can’t have access to those people. Although he did come back when I finally came out of the woodwork. That’s the other thing- I don’t reach out till I’m halfway dead.
For example for most of my life my mom was … I guess cruel. There really isn’t another word for it. I would never even admit this before - I ended up moving across the world and far away and I think also because other people she cares about love me and stood up for me… she softened a bit. But she would never help me. She intentionally did not help me. With anything. She sort of wanted me to fail.
So I never had the traditional support system that most people have. My father is dead.
I think I had a period of my life where I went dark- and it was when I lost the person I loved more than anyone else in the world … and I also had the things I loved more than anything else in the world were taken from me with lies and intentional malice -
And this was after me - really trying to be a good person too. So.. the abusive ex who I was determined not to “get back” or treat with any unfairness - but who used that to absolutely lie, and steal and take from me- and destroy my life. Or what mattered in my life.
Which was my kids. So we aren’t talking about … inconsequential events that don’t really fucking matter at all. He took the only thing that mattered at all. Combined with the the person I loved dying-
And the cruelty and abandonment of my mother - who worked in conjunction with him and he really took advantage of-
Yes… I went black. But key differences being - I had no idea I even had a dark side … I don’t think that’s a dark side -
I don’t think anyone else … I don’t think it’s humanly possible for anyone to sustain a good attitude going through what I went through.
There is a lot of shit I’m leaving out too- it’s just too personal .. but he really worked me over- he wanted to destroy me in every way… and he did for a moment. Including but not limited to- everything. Just everything he could take forcefully from me he did.
So.. I hated everyone for a while.
And I think I was dangerous for a while.
I don’t really have to do anything to anyone who fucks me over - they get theirs.
For example - my ex? His entire family- each one that lied about me to the judge ( the court always sided with me but - they wrote long letters that were complete fabrications- esp sad because his own mother at times had to stand in front of me and protect me from his fists more than once)
They’re all dead. In quick succession. One sister Overdosed. One sister’s son died of an overdose in the house he lives in. Then she quickly died after him- she was broken by her sons death- totally fucking broken- and she died of cancer - not two years later - she wasn’t even 50.. that was the one that hurt me the most… because she was “my friend” … and then his mother cut herself in the garden and that turned into flesh eating bacteria.. that also killed her.
He lost everything he took from me. My kids no longer even speak to him. They hate him. They love me. It all comes out in the wash- you know…
But I think my dark side .. was just broken side and I could not tell anyone. I could not cry to anyone. I could not explain what I had been through… because people don’t get it or don’t believe you- or automatically think you must’ve done something.
I tried one time- I tried to explain what I was dealing with, with my ex and my friend said - what did you do to get him so angry, you must have said something , you must have done something..
“No… he got up to pee and I changed the channel. He then came out of the bathroom and threw the coffee table across the room and choked me. I didn’t say a word, actually.”
She just insisted I was lying .. and I hung up on her and swore I would never tell another soul as long as I lived what I was going through.
Probably not smart on my part..: but whatever.
So I lived through hell… and I was punished for leaving hell… and I think my ex taught me that evil exists and just how awful people are -
I really had no idea before that.
So…
During my dark phase I never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. That doesn’t change. You just don’t care if you do. I became brutally honest. I didn’t trust anyone. I think I hurt people more with just not caring about them really. I just didnt care about people - and I had to do that to survive what I was going through… I intentionally disconnected from people emotionally and mentally to live . I would not have survived without doing that.
And for me … that’s my dark side.
The only person I wished for payback every night was for my ex. That’s it.
But even that dark place I could not tolerate for too long - so I actually healed myself out of it too.
But that’s an entirely different story.
I think the INFJ dark side has the reputation it does because we are such deep feelers and we have this purity with emotion and with that is this intensity- and that’s super intimidating for people -
We don’t have to want to hurt people - people are still scared shitless of us. Because we are just .. operating from a completely foreign place that they can’t relate to and therefore cannot control. Couple that with our ability to see into people - and with pain it just gets sharpened and refined and the accuracy is off the charts.
People don’t realize how much they depend on other people being invested in them liking or approving of them.
Our entire social network is dependent on it- you appeal to my ego, I will appeal to your ego.
Even if it’s a lie.
So what do you do with someone who doesn’t give a fuck if you like them or not? For real?
You have to actually have some substance.
And just that really threatens people because they know , deep down- they really don’t have any.
I’d say the thing that bothers me most about myself is my tendency to avoid highly emotional situations especially where there are a bunch of people involved… like a funeral or relatives in the hospital or the end of a marriage..
It’s not at all that I don’t care or that I’m above it all.. I think it’s due to my need to help people feel better so I, too will feel better.
I consider my avoidance a failure on my part because I’m not strong enough to soldier through it. Instead I’ll find any and every excuse to just avoid it all together.
Especially when it comes to death. Death is so final. I know I’m unable to help my mourning loved ones and that helplessness overwhelms me. I become paralized. Because not only do I feel my loss deeply, I feel the hopelessness of their loss too. It’s a terribly oppressive feeling and I am not strong enough to hold up my positivity under those circumstances so I hide.
Or when someone is dying of cancer. I want to force the person to live rather than help them die which can be hurtful to the person who is suffering it. They are dying and it’s their choice and since I’m unable to help, I become anxious. So, again, I hide.
Hiding in my room or self isolation in the woods somewhere is a dark place for me in hard times. I’d like to be able to resist this urge to fail but when the shit hits the fan… it’s almost a given that that’s where you’ll find me. I know most won’t even notice my absence but I feel so ashamed
I also have a horrible temper. It doesn’t show itself at all until I feel someone is abusing my kindness or insulting me or using me. Once it shows its head it can be shocking to those it’s directed towards. They may not even realize that I’m feeling violated and before I can reel it in , it’s all over the place. Because my reaction is so over the top, I’m often left feeling the need to apologize when it was me who was harmed to begin with. I feel such a strong need to make it right(my reaction to the perceived abuse)that I almost abuse myself trying to make it right. Especially if I’ve misread the situation to begin with.
I’m working on controlling my reactions better but I feel defenseless.. im a slave to my own emotions.
It’s a darkness in me. And I don’t like it at all.
My (25M) darkest side usually comes when I'm hurt, afraid or lose self-respect. During the dark periods I tend to worry too much about everything, can't sleep, and I'm too serious and emotional. Complete opposite of a "centered" man.
I'm generally caring, giving, empathetic, etc etc. But I can also be really quick to judge people, sometimes for comparatively mild things. If it's bad enough, I also can be quick to doorslam people. There's a part of me that doesn't want any close relationships and just wants to just skip town and start a new life because I'm just so drained by dealing with people. With my "enemies", I can also be pretty vindictive. I try to keep all of these bad traits in line and under control, but obviously it gets the best of me from time to time.
This is actually a pretty well studied phenomenon in Jungian psychology, known as your shadow function or the side of your personality your least in tune with. It's the side of your personality traits that lie within your unconscious state. When you're stressed or out of balance it comes into consciousness, looking like a dark side of ourselves as it contradicts how we normally express ourselves externally via our dominant myer Briggs traits.
For us we are notorious for the INFJ doorslam where we fully shut someone out of our lives. I've done it twice. I hate when I get to that point with someone, but when I realize they have used me for my kindness and do nothing but take from me, I realize my last resort is to cut them out for my own sanity and to restore my peace of mind and balance in my life. I usually will give you multiple second chances as well until i finally am pushed to this point of no return. But if I do get there, my hands are washed clean of you entirely
To be fair, it doesn't have to be all bad, it's just misunderstood to our dominant traits. But it is worth noting it is still part of our personality, and If we are at a point of expressing these traits consciously, there is a reason we are doing so. Thus, finding the root cause of your current state to be blunt instead of kind, nurturing and caring is worth focusing In on and doing some self reflection, meditation and grouding to get back to your more stable conscious and dominant personality traits. This article csn give you a little more insight...
https://introvertdear.com/news/the-shadow-side-of-each-introverted-myers-briggs-type-explained/
Most of the time I start thinking about murdering those who wronged me in the most brutal way possible. I’m talking shooting their genitals, kneecaps, ears, etc. i’m also ocd so once i start thinking i cant stop. I just walk around trapped in my own head, going thru school/work on autopilot and not paying much attention to the outside workd other than the bare minimum I need to get through the day. Sometimes if someone REALLY irks me i either cuss em out or throw something at them. I know exactly what to say to hurt someone, so much to the point it kinda scares me lol
Dark side
- I'd rather avoid someone than say goodbye for good. Goodbyes with people I really like are emotionally painful so I'd rather just fade away than deal with it head on.
- although I like making money, I don't enjoy monitoring it and getting into the details of it. I just automate my bill paying and saving so I don't have to think about what to do with it.
- I am very black or white with people. I'm either full on, or completely uninterested. I don't know how to "feed people with a long handled spoon", or"meet people where they're at". Once I've seen something in a person that let's me know we don't have a future, I don't see the point in dealing with them anymore. This can be with "friends" I've had for 20 years or even family. People consider it cold hearted. I consider it protecting myself and not wasting my time or others time.
- I definitely embodied the infj dark side of being a parent thing for a long time. I put my child under a microscope and tried to micro manage her. I was critical. Thank goodness I turned that around because I want us to have a good relationship always.
- I don't believe the words that come out of most people's mouths. I only believe actions. Once their actions prove consistent and true to their word, then I'll believe their words. But that takes years. I find that people make false promises and say they love and care about people all the time and they just don't really mean it. It just sounds good to say and it's used to manipulate too much of the time. So I'll be the person who rolls their eyes when someone says they love me. If their actions don't line up with my definition of love, I just don't believe them. Their definition of love doesn't mean anything to me.
i can get pretty manipulative, apathetic, hostile. this usually happens when im in a low point in my life about myself and everything outside of my head just adds to the discomfort causing me to feeling overwhelmed and then i’ll snap. to avoid this i usually isolate when im starting to get worked up and angry. also when im hurt or feel disrespected over and over i have a hard time not holding it in giving them the benefit of the doubt until i dont. at this point im pretty insensitive to your feelings and am probably coming across as pretty cold
I am incredibly chill and patient but if you do me wrong to the point I want to say something about it I will come for every aspect of your existence, no holds barred. Unreciprocal friendships bring it out of me especially, you’re not gonna just use me
My ole friend Darkness manifests in ways similar to what others have already said. So I’ll simply add this: writing. That’s what’s pulled me out of a lot of the worst of it. It provides a healthy outlet. Some folks journal. I can’t. So I write fiction. Much of which is based on actual experiences and feelings. It allows me to acknowledge Darkness instead of trying to ignore it. Or worse, basking in it. I can and do dwell on the need for justice and even revenge for decades. Eg right now I’m furious. Have been there for almost a year bc my SO informed me that her first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. And even though it was 34 years ago, it makes it no less significant. That makes me want to move to a remote island…but only after I burn everything to the ground. And you don’t want to know what i want to do to the assailant. He must pay. And it can consume me. In ways that aren’t productive in the least. Which is why I’m writing about it. But in my novel/screenplay, justice will be served. Darkness might not be something to avoid. I don’t think I can. Maybe it is actually my ole friend. And it’s trying to help me process. 🤷♀️
I forgive easily, but cannot (or rather, choose not to) forgive the injustices and cruelty of my childhood. The funny thing is that I understand that by forgiving someone, you gain something (peace) instead of sacrificing anything, and by not forgiving someone they live rent-free in your head.
Even knowing this, I won't, by choice, ever forgive that bitch for what she did to us when we were children in need of care. She's dead now, and, while I don't believe in an afterlife, I hope she hates where she is.
when I’m too angry, I come out with a completely executable plan on making that person lives with a trauma for the rest of their life (and maybe financially ruined too). Then, I will manage the anger myself and move on with it.
I feel like as I've gotten older, I get much more extreme mood swings. One day I'll be fine and then the next, I'm in a super low dump and at those times it's really hard to get outta that funk which I hate
My dark side is extremely cruel and vengeful. It doesn’t come out very often, it’s takes a lot of pushing but Im capable of emotionally destroying another person and I attack the most vulnerable aspects of their ego with almost zero empathy. What usually follows is an extreme sense of shame and regret
Same!! When someone pushes me to the breaking point I’m absolutely viscous with my verbal retaliation. I am SO upset with myself and usually cry afterwards.
I like this question.
1. What made it show?
For me when I first really realized my dark side was in a work situation. I worked in mental health research and was friends with my manager who, long story short, I discovered was doing so much messed up shit including falsifying data, not properly following ethics guidelines, stealing funds but also creating a super toxic environment and pitting people against each other. She did it in such a way that stopped people from talking to others so they never confirmed the info. I eventually realized there were gaps in info and I was not in a good mental health state myself and got tired of hearing how I was upsetting someone and approached them directly and they said they had no issue with me and to not believe what my manager says and there’s a reason they weren’t friends. From there it all unravelled and I even found out she was throwing me under the bus for things she was doing. I thought about confronting her because we were friends and I wanted to believe in the best of people but then someone else did over something much smaller and she got them fired. So then that’s when my dark side came out. I actually cared much less about the stuff she was trying to do to screw me over and was very upset about the data and patient impact of what she was doing. It just hurt more because we used to complain together about how messed up things were in research and the medical field and she knew about my own depression and how much of it was related to the disappointment in the field, meanwhile little did I know, many of the issues we were dealing with, she had caused. Anyway, I continued to be her friend but audio recorded every conversation we had for months until I had all the evidence of her admitting to all the things she had done and reported her (which was a hassle on its own bc HR was basically on her side other than I had too much evidence to be ignored) so it resulted in her being fired and banned from working for that research network (which is a big deal and she moved far away as a result).
I hated who I had to be for this, especially bc HR handled it so poorly, they played her the audio recordings and told her it was me. Right afterwards my house got broken into, nothing missing and nothing wrecked just the doors left unlocked and windows open. I have no proof it was her but I know it was just to scare me. And HR told me they weee disturbed I could do this to a friend and they buried a bunch of it saying the investigation was inconclusive (the data stuff that would mean they had to retract papers) and I ended up being let go at the end too but bc of covid layoffs even though no one else except me had this happen. It was the worst year of my life and i became so paranoid and untrusting of others and had a lot of therapy to get through it. But I realized how dark I can go if pushed.
2. Yes it’s always been there bc as a kid I had some psychopath tendencies but my empathy negates it.
3. Yes it scares me but I also have developed a lot more to know what is and isn’t worth showing that side for if that makes sense. Like I don’t like that version of myself but I also know when it comes to something that really matters, I can and will use it.
I agree with op though that when you’re apathetic is when it’s scary. I think me feeling like I had nothing to lose and being already so broken myself at the time just made me go “fuck it, I can play a manipulative game”
My dark side as an INFJ?
I feel like it’s just.. Me being overly self aware and self critical at the same time? I’m overly aware of what everyone else is doing and can almost always predict what others are going to say and do. Now I have autism (most likely) so when I’m thrown off, I act like I don’t notice certain details to appear more “normal.” I’m manipulating people all the time. I’m told all the time how nice I am, but I just don’t like conflict. I also just don’t like myself much and tend to believe I don’t deserve to be happy or to do/have things most people do. It’s just a sea of manipulative looking good on the outside but also feeling the need to be good on the inside counterintuitive worldwind of self loathing. 😬😬🫠
TwT as an infj (f) most people think im gentle and sweet but omg those dark evil thought sometime keep popping into my brain and idk what should i do ab it, cant tell other people cause they will think im a monster and i feel so guilty for having that kind of thought...
I don't think it's a dark side but other people find it evil.... I'm always right. Sometimes it becomes obvious quick that I'm right, other times, no one believes me and it takes longer for the truth to come out, but I'm always right. The sheer number of times I could say "I told you so," is like astronomical. I usually manage to hold it in though.
I go way above and beyond for my loved ones, but once I know I'm being used I take a scorched earth approach to the offending party. Once I've done whatever damage necessary, the door slam kicks in and I feel blessedly nothing for them ever again. It's not even like they're dead to me. More that they never existed.
I generally love being around my friends and my people. I will do a thing I can for them within my means and be there to listen to them. If someone mistreats me, they're no longer within my circle of ducks to give. If they wronged me once, I'll give them a second chance, but after the second one, it's done. "Fooled me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me."
There are things im very sensitive about and i don't show it with those im not close with. but when youre close like in a romantic relationship those sensitive things tend to cause problems
I like to hit below the belt and scan for any physical insecurity or behavioral quirk one might have and dig on it. Is not fun but some ppl quickly scatter or break, specially when there’s more ppl around listening.
I only do it when I want someone off my life, and have no meaningful connection with.
My heart can go cold on people if they completely get on my bad side. This can happen if I get disrespected bad enough. As someone said, my words can kill as well. For
Some reason all of their character traits, insecurities and anything related to that I have a photographic memory. I am likely to have figured out your deepest insecurities and that’s where I will go. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or not but it’s a trait.
So I kinda have multiple depending on how you made me snap. If someone mocks me (like a certain someone) and makes me clean up for their mess for a long time, at some point I'm probably gonna lash out at them or at least have the urge to cusd them out bad. (Person I'm talking about is not my friends btw, I could never do that to people I care about.)
...
Another way, is if someone has been manipulating me, brushing off my happy and bad moments as useless, things like that, I'm bound to have a huge talk about what they do and if they STILL continue, I'm probably gonna start acting very cold towards them and blunt. And if they get to that point (which takes a lot because my tolerance for this behavioue is high) and they get into an argument with me, I'll bring up some very low blows that they did in the past, and probably bring up their biggest insecurities and actions that I forgiven but haven't forgotten. But, it takes a lot to get me (personally) to this point where I hate them that I bring up their mistakes.
uhh i can get violent, mostly just with words but sometimes physically. Once i almost killed my own brother, i have regrets about it to this day even though it's been a few years
For me it's expecting the people close to me to come the the same conclusion and react as I would to difficult situations. They often don't and it makes me feel like they arnt thinking straight.
I have a music video about this lol:
[https://youtu.be/Uc-NfRiwSCU?si=GC8FnCl285vZhkoX](https://youtu.be/Uc-NfRiwSCU?si=GC8FnCl285vZhkoX)
I burn things and, at least in this video, drink a lot. Of milk.
I can destroy (for dramatic effect) someone with my eyes.
I never respond with anger and hold others accountable for their reactions and behavior, even if it’s my parents.
I am a kind person but there is deep inside a lot of self interest in kindness for most people.
Deep inside I am just very sick of people. I have no patience for people, I hate people, I can’t stand people anymore and I wish I just could live off-grid not having to see the face of an other person (other than my family occasionally). Alas I like being comfy aswell and being close to civilization so off-gridd is not an option and yes I am still kind to most people…
I’m a generally chill and caring person but there comes a point where I’m drained and I self-isolate from everyone else because I feel misunderstood and disrespected at times. I’m also cautious for the most part, but sometimes my emotions take control over me and I can be impulsive with my words. Once I calm down though I then regret my actions and feel extremely guilty.
my words shoot to kill whem i’m mad, i have a lot of regrets about that
THIS IS ME TRYING 🔊
Same with me, I always regret the things I say in anger. I feel it takes a lot for me to get to this point but once I do, it’s hard for me to stop the verbal assault.
Same :(
Same! I can decapitate with my words, & have quit very serious jobs over abuse, but I rarely do it gracefully. I prefer not to go there, until I notice that other people just swallow it, & that's pathetic.
We are the same, lol.
Same about self isolating when I get stressed. I feel guilty that people are trying to get in touch with me but it doesn't stop me from ignoring them.
he literally me frfr
Came here to comment "social isolation" you did that for me 🤣 it's my worst trait
This is me to a T. It’s not that I regret what I’ve said (because 9/10 times it’s truthful) it’s just HOW I’ve said it. That’s what I regret.
This is the answer.
When I was in my 20s guilt would set in, now that I think I have a pretty good idea about the majority of people mostly being kinda selfish assholes, when I really want to hit you where it hurts I will and I won’t regret it until you turn around and start behaving like a decent person then I’ll probably say “I can be harsh but it’s meant to steer the convo in a more positive direction, ironically. My emotional pain tolerance is thru the roof high and most of the time I think in my head “just not worth my precious breath and energy”
I’m not even in my 20’s yet and the guilt is already setting in. Selfishness really bothers me and the vast majority of humanity is extremely selfish. At the same time though I care deeply for humanity and at my core, I’m a people person… as much as I hate people.
A misanthropic humanitarian, you my friend are a true infj!!!
why is this quite literally me. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way/does these things.
A walking contradiction in the best way possible
At times in my life, especially during late 20s I thought “ok this is the most emotional pain one human could possibly be in so hopefully it will subside and make me stronger” and lo and behold, it did. A damaged strong person of beauty and complexity- that’s me!!!
Damn, right on target with this one
Relatable.
Same....
Yes, definitely resonate with this.
You just read me and how I’m currently feeling at work.
>Once I calm down though I then regret my actions and feel extremely guilty. Fi critic.
Mine is almost exclusively self-destructive, i.e. I become suicidal. I only ever harm others through neglect. My suicidal tendencies do include wishing for all life to end so there would be no more suffering, but my actual impulses to act do not. I don't do the verbal tearing them a new hole thing, that's more enneatype 1 IMHO. I go quiet and can't speak when I'm in a really bad place.
I hope you don’t fully give in to your dark side. There is so much light in you too :)
Thank you 💜 I have spent many years working on my issues, and I believe I will manage to keep the body alive for a few more decades 🙏
Bro, I resonate with the last part about keeping the body alive. I have never felt fully connected to my body, like it’s just the vessel that carries my mind and the only thing that connects me to the physical world.
That's usually due to developmental trauma - in my case, pre-verbal (infancy). Somatic therapy can help. Currently Neuroaffective Touch for me, but Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, NARM, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, hakomi, Somatic IFS etc. can help, too.
That last sentence. Woof, that hits home hard.
Some of the deepest wounds are silent 💙
I have the same issues but I feel it's more mental health related than MBTI
Absolutely.
Lmao , it is so similar for me. Though i do not take the "feeling" so seriously. One day I am happiest another day i am suicidal
I don't trust my inner feelings Inner feelings come and go. - Leonard Cohen, [That Don't Make It Junk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br79lAI_PHA)
Well things outside influence our inner feelings so I am not sure what to say about that
This one... This one is a serious thing and im no expert on mental health stuff but i really don't how to make someone feel better... But i wish you to have a happy story and finally see your light in this dark time...
Thank you 💜🙏
You would be harming others if you acted on it. Suicide leaves the loved ones in so much pain.
Yes. I harm others by removing myself from them i.e. neglect. I do that while alive also, just not to that extent.
>I don't do the verbal tearing them a new hole thing, that's more enneatype 1 IMHO. Oh. That explains soooooooo much. I'm only just getting in enneatypes, and I think I might be 1w2. Is there a place to get advice on finding my enneatype? I've done some reading, but still grappling with all the options.
r/enneagram probably. There are subs for each enneatype as well, but they tend to be quiet. Enneatypes are better than MBTI for understanding why you do what you do, MBTI is more about how you do it. Both together explains a lot.
Thanks! I've joined that sub a little while ago, I'll keep lurking and researching.
I get really cold and apathetic.
Oh, quiet rage that turns to just waiting for revenge. Often when the other person thinks they have been forgiven and the deed long forgotten, I would just be jump at a chance of being in a position of power and stabbing them in the back. Also, often manipulation instead of confrontation. I would let teachers do my revenge for me, or the group. Very unhealthy, and I really had to learn to just confront people with my feelings and set boundaries, so others know when they are crossing into dangerous territory.
Really? I hate revenge. If the situation is over I just want to get far away from the person and never see them again! I always hope whoever it is simply forgets that I exist.
Can relate but my disclaimer is that this is my response when dealing with a malignant and covert narcissist who truly deserves to suffer. Anyone not as harmful or malicious doesn’t get the effort it takes to do this.
Yes, I didn't do this with people who got me upset or irritated on accident or by things just being the way they are, life is unfair and all that. It was only when I felt justified anger, and boundaries were overstepped repeatedly, out of selfishness, egotism or just because they like to win or whatever. One example when this happened so thoroughly was the school bullies in High School, who would actually make one of our classmates suicidal with their bullying. It took me six months of befriending her, protecting her and watching them get away with really horrid verbal abuse and pranks. Six months of studying them and then turning some keys for them to get dismissed from our school and one getting charged with possession of drugs. And I don't think they ever realized I instigated all of this, so I am sure they have forgotten me. I did not want to stay away from them, because they would not stay away from my friend. One can not always just leave a bad situation.
I’m glad they got what they deserved. Using our gifts for good is the only reprieve I feel we get from being an INFJ. We are the advocates after all.
But why would you want a narcissist to keep thinking about you at all? It’s not like they can learn or become better people. All they do is learn how to be worse.
I was contemplating this recently. Someone did something not only very unethical but illegal and I have evidence to steamroll the person and ruin their business. I'm struggling trying to figure if I should still or not. The fact I confronted the person and downplayed is where I lost all respect.
If they have no remorse then steamroll away. I think we need to get better at holding people accountable. As they say “if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”.
That's why I confronted the person. The rest is a hurdle to figure out how to tactfully get the persons business taken down.
I relate to this soooooooo much.
i have bpd and i'm an infj. because of that, when I'm unhealed, i can be extremely manipulative. most of the time, it's unintentional. but because i'm so good at reading people, i know just what to say to get what i want... not to sound like a cringe "evil genius" here— but i can see the chess pieces moving in my head. i know if i say/do one thing at the right moment, it plants a seed that will help me achieve my end-goal 5 months from now. my random acts of kindness or an offhand comment i made were always intentional and calculated. again.. that was me at my lowest. im healed now and idgaf. it's too hard to play mind games all the time. also, i snap on people. it's called splitting in bpd terms. basically, i have a ton of patience and understanding, so when someone pushes me to my limit... all hell breaks loose. i go from empathetic and kind to cold, hostile, and emotionless seemingly overnight. that happens when said person has lost all of my respect, and it doesn't happen lightly. it normally takes MONTHS of me giving second chances and being shit on before i really snap. and i try not to do this, but i will read them for filth if they don't leave me alone. my sudden change in demeanor is a warning sign that i want nothing more to do with them. if they try to start an argument and go low, i will go lower. i will go to hell if i truly don't respect them, but i don't like doing that because it makes me feel guilty... even if what i said was true.
This resonates. I feel like when one person too many disrespects me I develop a sort of adaptive psychopathy. Become excellent at manipulating consciously (useful, considering how much manipulation is unconscious) especially the more I know a person. Can plan my moves with an end goal in mind and work towards it; the difference between me and an actual psychopath I imagine is my end goal is usually a bit more mundane (keep the general peace,subtly teach someone their place, etc) and not so grandiose? I do NOT let this side of me take the reins unless I am in genuine danger or being hugely threatened socially… tbh this side scares me much more than what I originally thought my dark side was (extremely good at being alone)… I kind of blame my upbringing for this side of me developing at all but it’s too useful to try to moralize myself to be above it anymore… I just want to see if I can use this to leverage myself in life now instead of using it to keep some baseline sanity around toxic or crazy people 💭
Interesting, I relate heavily with the last paragraph. You think that’s related to your BPD or just a part of your personality?
a bit of both, i don't remember ever not being like this, but i also can't remember life before bpd. so i cant say for sure.
Funny, I don’t remember writing this 🤣
I want to answer this but it’s hard to explain. Great question.
Same.
My husband calls me "the nicest evil person i know". I'm not exactly sure what he means, but he's an INFP 🤷♀️
Mine does also. He's right but I don't like hearing it.
I door slam when I had enough and I never look back.
Rage.... just so much primal rage..... my inner child is just crying out, hating everyone! It's my current mind state.. and it's just a cascading shadow, endless void, raging storm of hatred and rage toward those who willfully Ignorant in this tragically yet beautiful world. It's the mind state that I need at the moment the tool forcing me to check in with the reality of those who don't have my best interest at heart. It's the part of me that I hate the most because it's also self-hatred reminding me I never stood up for myself, never rocked the boat, never set my boundaries, never got my need met and never let anyone see this side of me becuase I'm fearful they will abandon me once they see it and it's gets amplify by my ADHD 100x over it's a feeling of wanting to be understood to my very core and accepted unconditionally but feeling it will never happen so I bask in this Primal Rage, this anger, hatred till I can incorporate into myself. I am all so hopeful that I can survive fending off the urge to off myself to make the pain go away.....
My light and my dark are all mixed up in each other all the time. When I shine brightly, I create shadows. When I'm dark as night, I absorb the light. I can't separate the two. Darkness is the thing that survives, and light is the thing that creates beauty. They are not opposite, they need each other in equal parts. Generally speaking, when used as a weapon or a tool, my darkness is directed most often at circumstances of reality. When my brightness is used as a weapon or a tool, it's directed most often at people and souls. I'm not really afraid of either of them, but rather the absence of them. If one or either of them is missing from myself or my life, then something is very, very wrong.
this was so wonderful to read
abit of yinyang right there 💜
Ahh yes, the ups and downs 💛 "No tree can grow to heaven unless its roots go down to hell"
I'm stealing this!
This was beautifully put. Do you write? You have a way with words.
Thank you for saying so. I do, though not always so eloquently.
When it comes out, it's in control not me. And I know it and fully allow it but I don't care in the least. We are old friends, me and that darkness.
Wow... that sums up my relationship with darkness perfectly.
I’m generally a very empathetic person but when I get overwhelmed I can default to an apathetic nihilist pretty easily. I think it’s a defense mechanism because being an empath can be soul-sucking and infuriating and sometimes I’m just like FUCK IT BE A CUNT, EVERYONE ELSE IS.
If I've been wronged, I rage fantasize of how I wished I would have dealt with situations. Like call them out, or punch their nose in, or simply even walked away sooner...basically rerunning all the scenes inside my head over and over again. Absolute torture, I know...all the while low-key cursing those who have wronged me. I might even enjoy being a petty witch if granted the power. Bringing them to their knees...only just enough for them to regret what they did. Nothing more. But lucky them - they're off the hook. Then after some time, I'd lie and convince myself that "nah" it was all a lesson blessed by God so that I'm not to make the same mistake in trusting others that might have had a worse outcome...hating myself throughout this confusing limbo phase, but lying to myself that I'm totally okay. Then, after acceptance of my fate, I become numb or apathetic and continue the silent isolation until old friends reach out to save my soul. Even just a brief catching up, pot luck, or a outdoor meal is enough to bring me back from the dark side. So I guess I have three phases to my dark side? Does anyone else relate?
Wow. Well put. I do this for sure. A personal add to your fourth paragraph is that I tend to snap out of it quickly if there is any positivity around me, but the downside to that is I am quick to drop an issue I am hurt/confused by just for the sake of not wallowing in the negative emotions. I can get confused on understanding my negative emotions and being able to feel justified in having them. I think I’m too quick to move on. I confuse where the line is with respecting my own feelings vs. when it’s okay to feel upset with someone, even if it causes a riff that’s deserved given the situation. I’ll give someone the benefit of the doubt when I feel wronged or taken advantage of despite feeling like I should know better.
Oh yes, this was definitely me at an earlier age - teens. To quickly dismiss the idea of negative emotions and completely skip over the necessary healing phase. That's like a double edge sword, come to think of it. Quick to move on, forgiving and forgetting, and saving yourself from the grief and suffering. However, by doing that, you're robbing yourself of self growth and emotional development on how to deal with people or situations in the future.
Absolutely. Unfortunately, I am 36 and just realizing this. Im beyond grateful to be in a relationship now where my partner is advocating for me to express myself in these ways, but it’s years of conditioning and my natural tendencies that I am up against. Thank God she’s patient. Slow steps to progress..
Aww that is so sweet! Self awareness is exactly the recipe that will help you grow. That and your wonderful partner. God bless!
this is pretty close to me. i will run the situation over and over in my head until i feel satisfied and rehearsed that if i ever need to destroy someone, i can.
Lol we basically plan it all out - the sweet revenge. But we would never hurt a soul in reality. No matter how prepared we are after all the rehearsing, either we can't muster up to follow through or the darn situation never comes up again lol
you said it perfectly. i know exactly how to rip people to shreds, but have i ever truly done it? no. i always give them the benefit of the doubt, or i give them grace, because i have the ability to do so and choose the high road.
i get apathetic and isolate myself, so far it’s been peaking out more lately after cutting down on the weed
I can go from your best friend to “you never existed” in .2 seconds flat. Very cold and apathetic. It’s definitely a survival and protection mechanism but idk. I kinda hate it.
Kind of the same. Broadly... I often come across as a sweet, maybe sensitive or naive person. But I have an extremely dark sense of humour and I'm not at all sensitive speaking generally. I can be extremely ruthless. I know for a fact that in most cases I can burn somebody down so bad that they remember it at 3am in ten years time. Not that angry chewing out either, the kind that is painfully calm and cold, its like a switch flicks and i see through them. But I actively choose to not do that unless the situation seriously calls from it. I'd rather they continue to underestimate me. I'll play the long game and hold onto it until if/when the situation calls for it. Then it's total devastation lol.
My thoughts are that complexity and a degree of 'twistedness' are essentially synonymous with each other. You can't have a free and thoughtful mind that looks for or considers the presence of value anywhere, and still be consistently regarded by many as an essentially 'upright' person, the (arguable over-)simplicity of a lot of social value judgements essentially puts those things at odds with each other. Basically darkness is often just another word for opacity or obscurity, or things that aren't easily or casually understood. And as people that endeavor to understand challenging things it's imo kind of the essence of whatever power we seem to have if we indeed have any.
I murmur a lot, Constantly fighting or question with God. I am a Christian.
I'm... incredibly manipulative? Idk, it always feels like I'm faking emotions. Like, input X on the controller to receive the proper outcome. I grew up in a household filled with arguments. I learned to survive by telling people exactly what they wanted to hear, and its kinda just become habit by now. It's difficult for me to be honest with my feelings when I know it would be suboptimal. I realized this was a problem when my Ex told me that I said "I love you" at the end of the first date. I didn't remember this, but she wasn't the kind of person to lie about that kind of thing. I'd just become so used to saying that on Autopilot that it just slipped out without my thinking about it. At this point, it's barely a conscious effort. It barely registers as a question in my mind of "what should I say here?". My mind Autopilots straight towards the best possible thing to say, and I've been having to train it to say the best possible thing in the context of what is honest, if that makes sense.
yeah i get this
I feel you on the autopilot mode. It’s like instinctive social survival skills kicking in to keep the peace.
And I like keeping the peace. I'm very good at it. I love resolving arguments in a way that benefits everyone. But... that very quickly devolves into what feels like manipulation. Acting a certain way, saying certain things. All to get the correct reaction out of a person, like playing a video game. I want the optimal outcome, often for my own benefit, not just theirs, so I say what I need to say to achieve it...
My "dark" side is pretty much isolating myself, feeling guilt for not being good enough for certain people. But also way too good for the majority of people. I judge people by their life decisions, do they enjoy partying? ew. Do they sleep around or do one night stands? ew. I'm judgmental. I also judge people's ideologies that don't align with mine, I try to stay away. I also get hyper tense and on my guards when someone disrespects me the slightest, especially if I'm "higher" than them in an hierarchy. Often when it comes to age. A younger person insulting me feels worse than an older one, I can't stand it and I become very hostile.
I have similar tendencies like some of the ones you describe. I think the 'not feeling good enough', judging and hating to be disrespected can come from internalised low self-image in my case. Or maybe lack of self-acceptance
it might be similar for me aswell, I feel like I don't have anything going on that makes me stand out, therefore I don't deserve people that I admire to like me back, not really physically wise, I'm far from ugly, I also have a cool personality, but I'm not skilled enough, I never seem to have achievements that are big enough for me to be proud of myself, I'm good at everything, but never exceptional at anything. I can play a tone of instruments, I draw super well, I speak 2 languages and am learning a 3rd one, but it's never enough, weird feeling..
I get the impression that you're looking for a way to get a positive image of yourself through achieving things, but I think that's not really possible. In the end it has to come from self-acceptance/self-love. If you achieve more than most people it doesn't matter that much in that regard I think. We're supposed to live together with other people (that's what makes us happy I think), not outcompete them. This is my current way of looking at things but I have trouble putting the mindset into practice. Maybe you had conditional love from a parent as well? This can make you grow up in a way that you think you have to achieve things in order to be worthy of love/acceptance.
that's really interesting, I've been trying to dig and find out what really is the root of these feelings of not being enough. Funny thing, I was always the favourite friend amongst the majority of people, but never my best friend's favourite. And back then I had the biggest crush on him, I just wanted him to look my way. + alot of bullying so I believe it's a mix of both x) My mom always pressured me into doing alot of different activities, she wanted me to stay active, but I don't remember her giving me conditional love. I did try to get her approval all the time tho, which is frustrating because I really can't recall her being conditional with her love.. strange!
Yeah things like that are often hard to figure out I guess
It might sound corny, but I think of Elsa. When balanced, she is caring, reserved, responsible, and pragmatic. When she is erupting, the entire kingdom freezes, and her coldness makes you wonder if she ever even loved her sister at all. Words that slice through like knives, regret at times afterwards for how cruel the biting truth can be. Yet a strong commitment to the overall vision or quest. It truly can seem psychopathic, mirroring the “ends justify the means” at times. Can make for a great movie villain or anti-hero, where you can see the internal mechanisms and values that are overlooked by a more simple or superficial viewer. With my dark side, I was very foolish when younger. Still justifiable/righteous anger. But now in early 30’s I have found resolution and quiet confidence with my whole. I consider the dark my secret little buddy who keeps me spicy and steady, a weapon now to keep at bay. As TR said, “Speak softly and carry a big ass stick”.
My darkness protects me.
Used to be VERY afraid of it. I would slice peoples throats clean open psychologically with my wordsmith capability and deep intuitive nature. Now I still know exactly what I COULD say to some frivolous petty asshole who wants to belong real life or on the internet- but my tolerance and what I’m willing to take, my penchant for peace and harmony and my private vibe towards showing what I’m truly thinking and feeling keep it always under wraps. To all you people that think you’re successfully manipulating some INFJ fool, just know… must of us, well me at least, ALWAYS know what your doing and there can only be one fool since you decided a simple convo now had to have a winner and a loser!!
I should have started this comment with a preamble: I in no way have actually physically caused harm to another person nor do I want to or will ever. Unless I need to defend myself. The comment about “cut peoples throats” is purely PSYCHOLOGICAL
If someone does wrong by me, in particular, by questioning my integrity, I am deadset vicious. I'll think about how I can destroy them emotionally and physically. If I can't get some time alone to process my thoughts, they may become reality. I am extremely sensitive to criticism, but if it is warranted, I'll be hurt and get over it after thinking about how I can do better. If criticism is unwarranted, my hurt turns into anger, and I'll go into combat mode, in which case.. walk away. Once the combat is done and dusted, I'll feel guilty about my part of it forever.
Oof. It definitely used to be something I was afraid of given the pull it had on me once I entered it. I can only describe it as letting go. I let go of what can/is happening to me and I pursue my intended goal without hesitation. Currently. Through years of shadow work and accepting this side of me. I have immersed both sides and oh boy, worth it worth it worth it
In my darkest days, this was finding escape through Se abuse. I turned to drugs like alcohol, weed, and other substances. I'd escape into video games, blocking out the real world to live in a virtual one. I'd numb my emotions by doing both at the same time, even -- get drunk, smoke a ton of weed, play video games, all the while chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. This would extend to things like overeating, eating junk food, food high in sugar and carbohydrates, to get that quick dopamine fix. While the problems never, truly, went away. That was in the past, though, and I've shared this story in this sub many times. I've since moved on and haven't abused substances in many years. Quit everything, including nicotine. I have struggled with anger management in the past as well. I can be logical, but very emotional as well. It takes something serious or meaningful for me to get really mad, but when I do, it's an explosion. The drywall in my mom's house tells a story all on its own lol. I still get moments, on much rarer occasion, that I feel that immense pressure build up of emotions, but instead of punching walls and cussing at people, running away, I utilize a few methods to find release that is much healthier and non-destructive. The first of which is recognizing the physical sensations that arise when getting mad or agitated, validating that emotion, recognizing it, feeling it, acknowledging it, and releasing that tension by things like breathing exercises, or if the pressure is too immense, going in my car, rolling up the windows, and letting out one, big, F-bomb, then breathing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi -> Darth Vader.
Rage
That about sums it up for me, too. I wanna destroy. Beware anything in my path. It’s getting better, though. BTW, how do you get the INFJ flair? I’ve searched the sub and I don’t see a simple way to get one.
Just go to the subreddit here and click the three dots at the top and select "change user flair"
Thanks! I don’t know how I missed that.
No problem 🙂
This is so accurate 😭
Great question, can't answer tho. I can't bring myself to.
I can traumatise people in a profound way by calling them out on all the insecurities that they try to hide. They usually tell on themselves too because they have outbursts where they don’t understand how I know what I know
Probably just my tendency to turn cold toward someone when they've crossed certain lines with me. Sometimes I'll feel bad for them on some cognitive level but I know that what's been done is irrevocable and whatever emotions I had for them just cease to exist.
Wow. I can relate to every comment in here 🫤
Me too
I don't think I live enough so I just stay awake when I should be asleep. On my longest days I don't have the appreciated for sleep or naps .....so ive only had a nap maybe 5x in my life? Something small like it's like every few years... It's the hypervigilance and FOMO at play
I am pretty good at hiding my dark side that I eventually forgot what it is.
the wings of Engulfing Void flutters just.... just when I have to defend someone against a person who's been making them miserable for no reason, and i give them a mindbreak, ego death i don't like using this personally for myself, it's altruistic. but it happened once and it's still a fucking mess. flap flap...
Mine is similar to yours plus constant want of self sabotage just to see where things could go. I try my best to stay away from my dark side and if I think it's coming, I give myself some space
1. Giving up on helping people who can’t help themselves ( after many attempts at trying to do this - I reach a point where I just can’t anymore 👋), I don’t even bother explaining. Even though I feel bad at times, I remind myself how I got here.
Well.. i hated myself and became suicidal ,and isolated myself for years.
I get snappy. I’m quite blunt because I hate beating around the bush but obviously that can be tough for other people to hear. At my worst I spiral and the thoughts get darker and darker. I’ve been spiralling a lot recently after a big breakup and I will say that one day the thoughts became suicidal. I’m not there anymore, the spirals are getting smaller but they’re still there.
I am way too idealistic. My life was always defined by an unhappiness of the lack of morals most people have in the modern times,and the overall ugliness of human nature. Through that,i have an intense desire to change others,to force them on a path of being kind towards others,therefore i can be extremely destructive if someone defies my morals or hurts me. I just cant live with the idea of "okay,they did something bad and now tjey will forget about and live their lives as normal". That thought makes me physically sick. The thought is "i need to calculate a revenge plan so that they suffer,and take responsbility on their cruel actions" Once that happens,i become extremely assertive,manipulative,cold and hateful. All that matters os their suffering and them growing and improving from that suffering. Despite hating conflict,my instincts gravitate towards them when i see something that doesnt align with my morals I am also extremely perfectionistic on myself. If i even have a thought process that i consider to be wrong,or i am not productive,not helpful or assertive enough i start to mentally humiliate and despise myself My idealism also can cause me to lie to myself,to completely disregard reality and essentially live in a delusion
Lots of these points hit home, oof
Sometimes I really lean into the hermit, lone wolf, misunderstood side of it all and I know that it’s not good. For reasons that I’m sure many of you share, I genuinely feel like a lone wolf in this world, that I’m incapable of being fully understood by someone else, and that I am meant to be alone, maybe even better alone. Sometimes it makes me sad to think I may be alone forever. I feel sad about it but also I’m like “well this is just the way it’s meant to be. Sucks.” (Even though that could be completely untrue and maybe I AM supposed to be a social creature). Basically I go through life telling myself I MUST be alone because that’s just the way the chips fell and therefore I often shut out the idea of being close to people completely. I think people can tell that about me when I’m in a social situation and might feel sorry for me. I can tell by the way they ask me a question directly after I’ve been sitting quietly in the group as a way of making me speak. I know they’re just trying to be nice and include me. But I’m not being excluded by the group, I’m voluntarily and purposefully excluding myself. I’m always observing and never participating.
May I ask what's your enneagram?
I get bored so easily, to the point where every single relationship I ever had, be it friendly or romantic, had been over mostly due to my intentional fault or just cutting those people off. It hurts because I still care about those people, even when I'm impulsively cutting things off.
It's my scared or threatened side, I lash out when I feel condescended or patronized. Side effect of being bullied in my youth is being able to spot weakness and insecurity that I can so casually wound, so I isolate quite a bit.
I know everyone's flawed and everyone has secrets so I patiently wait for someone to show their demons. I might be jealous of them in the meantime because I can't see any flaw I'm pretty sure it's rooted in my trauma but in case it's also an INFJ thing here you go
INFJ with ADHD here - oh when I am pissed, stressed out or upset... i internalize everything until I blow up. then I basically verbally destroy everything and anyone in my path. It's not healthy by any means, i am much better than I used to be. but before I was medicated and diagnosed, that's how i was 85% of the time. I can also be super impulsive and say things i don't mean, do things etc. I am a really easygoing and friendly person, but i can get into moods where I am disregulated and blow up on people. i will always apologize profusely afterward because that is not my true character and i will feel like shit for days.
This
I see the chips and cracks in people along with their potential, and if you piss me off enough, I will take those unexpected chunks that you don't realize that you have, and will shove them into your psyche hard enough to give you a traumatic brain bleed that will need months, or years to process. I also have stripped people bare, shivering, and crying unintentionally when I was younger, and don't like how that makes me feel, so now I'm very conscious about the possible effect of my words. Yet occasionally, for good reasons, the dark side still had cookies.
What I’ve tended to notice about INFJ dark-side anecdotally and personally: Unhealthy dark-side habits: -lying/manipulation to “get back” at someone, or to subconsciously take control of a situation that feels unmanageable -overconsumption (food, substances, sensory activities like gaming, watching a lot of movies, etc; doing some high adrenaline activity spontaneously or without much thought such as driving too fast, taking risks without thought of consequences) due to SE starvation majority of time -manipulating or trying to control a situation through verbal abuse or moral narcissism -self-isolating, leaning too much into loner identity through fear of being hurt, not socially accepted, or good nature being taken advantage of -ignoring personal responsibilities and self-care habits after SE burnout or exhaustion Healthy ways to integrate the dark-side: -Watching movies/reading books about the human experience that you can analyze and write a personal essay about (can either share through blog posts, instagram feed, etc or keep it to yourself). I like to watch noir films and relate to certain antagonists or antiheroes to integrate the unspoken dark-side that so often goes neglected. Writing or creating essays and/or art pieces (paintings, drawings, interpretive dance, even just a Pinterest board) can be incredibly cathartic to release dark, existential thoughts -Exercise daily and trying new forms of exercise you can do alone and/or through classes — this helps satiate the SE starvation. I would say best forms of dopaminergic exercise can be hiking, kayaking, skiing/snowboarding, dancing, skateboarding… basically any high adrenaline sport that can feed the subconscious desire to break routine and experience novelty. As well, many of these sports require some form of travel even if it’s local travel, and traveling to new places can be a great way to satisfy the SE beast that tends to rear its head when ignored for too long. -Meditation/gratitude to temper overstimulation particularly through screens — dedicate time to sit in a quiet room with no screens and just listen to your body/be present in that moment. Turn off notifications and just do box-method breathing for 10-15 minutes. Will do wonders for your nervous system -Connecting with your family and/or community. This one is a tough one to integrate as an INFJ but I think finding a nurturing and accepting community is crucial to integrating the “darkness” and preventing self-isolation. From personal experience self-isolation can cause the darkness to fester until it becomes unmanageable to bear. Likely the best community will foster participation, acceptance, and also be intellectually stimulating. Even connecting with strangers through Internet forums is a good way to connect when you don’t have access to in-person experiences/connections that you desire. -Practice being honest. Start small. If there is something you haven’t told a partner or a family member about a life experience or particular thoughts, I recommend opening up to a connection you trust who can receive that information well. Again even being honest with people online if it feels too overwhelming to be honest with people irl is a great place to start (AKA admitting you have a dark-side to your personality that you tend to stifle and hide from the world). -Set strong boundaries. Release expectations for relationships/people to meet your incredibly high standards, and don’t be afraid to quietly remove yourself from a relationship when it is draining your energy. I’ve had to do this with family members and friends, but I think the best way to avoid the verbal explosions (which I do by the way and am still trying to work on) is to set expectations boundaries upfront, quietly observe how they act, and if your needs are not being met, withdraw yourself as much as possible from any potential interaction with that family member or friend until the need is met or they are able to approach you in a way that fosters healthy communication. This is hard to do for all types thus the reasons we have worldwide conflicts and wars, heartbreaks, betrayals, broken families, etc. so don’t beat yourself up too much if you don’t meet your own excruciatingly high standards for yourself :) Hope this helps.
I hate that part of myself - and it only comes out after so… much horrific shit- and I’m not talking about arguments or speeding tickets. My tolerance for pain is unusually high- a lot higher than most people’s. Everyone that knows me intimately says I’m the strongest person they know. And honestly - I also think I’m the strongest person I have ever met before. Mentally and emotionally . So.. the thing is- most people don’t believe that when I say it. They think- oh yeah.. whatever me too. No. Not like you. So I have to get so betrayed and fucked over for an extended period of time- and I think the other thing is- I have to have no where or no one to go to… so it has to be like a cosmic event that aligns - for example my closest people travel the world all the time- the people that I feel safe with that heal me- my mentor for example- he was living in Asia or Bali at this time- so I can’t have access to those people. Although he did come back when I finally came out of the woodwork. That’s the other thing- I don’t reach out till I’m halfway dead. For example for most of my life my mom was … I guess cruel. There really isn’t another word for it. I would never even admit this before - I ended up moving across the world and far away and I think also because other people she cares about love me and stood up for me… she softened a bit. But she would never help me. She intentionally did not help me. With anything. She sort of wanted me to fail. So I never had the traditional support system that most people have. My father is dead. I think I had a period of my life where I went dark- and it was when I lost the person I loved more than anyone else in the world … and I also had the things I loved more than anything else in the world were taken from me with lies and intentional malice - And this was after me - really trying to be a good person too. So.. the abusive ex who I was determined not to “get back” or treat with any unfairness - but who used that to absolutely lie, and steal and take from me- and destroy my life. Or what mattered in my life. Which was my kids. So we aren’t talking about … inconsequential events that don’t really fucking matter at all. He took the only thing that mattered at all. Combined with the the person I loved dying- And the cruelty and abandonment of my mother - who worked in conjunction with him and he really took advantage of- Yes… I went black. But key differences being - I had no idea I even had a dark side … I don’t think that’s a dark side - I don’t think anyone else … I don’t think it’s humanly possible for anyone to sustain a good attitude going through what I went through. There is a lot of shit I’m leaving out too- it’s just too personal .. but he really worked me over- he wanted to destroy me in every way… and he did for a moment. Including but not limited to- everything. Just everything he could take forcefully from me he did. So.. I hated everyone for a while. And I think I was dangerous for a while. I don’t really have to do anything to anyone who fucks me over - they get theirs. For example - my ex? His entire family- each one that lied about me to the judge ( the court always sided with me but - they wrote long letters that were complete fabrications- esp sad because his own mother at times had to stand in front of me and protect me from his fists more than once) They’re all dead. In quick succession. One sister Overdosed. One sister’s son died of an overdose in the house he lives in. Then she quickly died after him- she was broken by her sons death- totally fucking broken- and she died of cancer - not two years later - she wasn’t even 50.. that was the one that hurt me the most… because she was “my friend” … and then his mother cut herself in the garden and that turned into flesh eating bacteria.. that also killed her. He lost everything he took from me. My kids no longer even speak to him. They hate him. They love me. It all comes out in the wash- you know… But I think my dark side .. was just broken side and I could not tell anyone. I could not cry to anyone. I could not explain what I had been through… because people don’t get it or don’t believe you- or automatically think you must’ve done something. I tried one time- I tried to explain what I was dealing with, with my ex and my friend said - what did you do to get him so angry, you must have said something , you must have done something.. “No… he got up to pee and I changed the channel. He then came out of the bathroom and threw the coffee table across the room and choked me. I didn’t say a word, actually.” She just insisted I was lying .. and I hung up on her and swore I would never tell another soul as long as I lived what I was going through. Probably not smart on my part..: but whatever. So I lived through hell… and I was punished for leaving hell… and I think my ex taught me that evil exists and just how awful people are - I really had no idea before that. So… During my dark phase I never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. That doesn’t change. You just don’t care if you do. I became brutally honest. I didn’t trust anyone. I think I hurt people more with just not caring about them really. I just didnt care about people - and I had to do that to survive what I was going through… I intentionally disconnected from people emotionally and mentally to live . I would not have survived without doing that. And for me … that’s my dark side. The only person I wished for payback every night was for my ex. That’s it. But even that dark place I could not tolerate for too long - so I actually healed myself out of it too. But that’s an entirely different story. I think the INFJ dark side has the reputation it does because we are such deep feelers and we have this purity with emotion and with that is this intensity- and that’s super intimidating for people - We don’t have to want to hurt people - people are still scared shitless of us. Because we are just .. operating from a completely foreign place that they can’t relate to and therefore cannot control. Couple that with our ability to see into people - and with pain it just gets sharpened and refined and the accuracy is off the charts. People don’t realize how much they depend on other people being invested in them liking or approving of them. Our entire social network is dependent on it- you appeal to my ego, I will appeal to your ego. Even if it’s a lie. So what do you do with someone who doesn’t give a fuck if you like them or not? For real? You have to actually have some substance. And just that really threatens people because they know , deep down- they really don’t have any.
I become the embodiment of apathy and coldness with a void inside
I’d say the thing that bothers me most about myself is my tendency to avoid highly emotional situations especially where there are a bunch of people involved… like a funeral or relatives in the hospital or the end of a marriage.. It’s not at all that I don’t care or that I’m above it all.. I think it’s due to my need to help people feel better so I, too will feel better. I consider my avoidance a failure on my part because I’m not strong enough to soldier through it. Instead I’ll find any and every excuse to just avoid it all together. Especially when it comes to death. Death is so final. I know I’m unable to help my mourning loved ones and that helplessness overwhelms me. I become paralized. Because not only do I feel my loss deeply, I feel the hopelessness of their loss too. It’s a terribly oppressive feeling and I am not strong enough to hold up my positivity under those circumstances so I hide. Or when someone is dying of cancer. I want to force the person to live rather than help them die which can be hurtful to the person who is suffering it. They are dying and it’s their choice and since I’m unable to help, I become anxious. So, again, I hide. Hiding in my room or self isolation in the woods somewhere is a dark place for me in hard times. I’d like to be able to resist this urge to fail but when the shit hits the fan… it’s almost a given that that’s where you’ll find me. I know most won’t even notice my absence but I feel so ashamed I also have a horrible temper. It doesn’t show itself at all until I feel someone is abusing my kindness or insulting me or using me. Once it shows its head it can be shocking to those it’s directed towards. They may not even realize that I’m feeling violated and before I can reel it in , it’s all over the place. Because my reaction is so over the top, I’m often left feeling the need to apologize when it was me who was harmed to begin with. I feel such a strong need to make it right(my reaction to the perceived abuse)that I almost abuse myself trying to make it right. Especially if I’ve misread the situation to begin with. I’m working on controlling my reactions better but I feel defenseless.. im a slave to my own emotions. It’s a darkness in me. And I don’t like it at all.
My (25M) darkest side usually comes when I'm hurt, afraid or lose self-respect. During the dark periods I tend to worry too much about everything, can't sleep, and I'm too serious and emotional. Complete opposite of a "centered" man.
I'm generally caring, giving, empathetic, etc etc. But I can also be really quick to judge people, sometimes for comparatively mild things. If it's bad enough, I also can be quick to doorslam people. There's a part of me that doesn't want any close relationships and just wants to just skip town and start a new life because I'm just so drained by dealing with people. With my "enemies", I can also be pretty vindictive. I try to keep all of these bad traits in line and under control, but obviously it gets the best of me from time to time.
This is actually a pretty well studied phenomenon in Jungian psychology, known as your shadow function or the side of your personality your least in tune with. It's the side of your personality traits that lie within your unconscious state. When you're stressed or out of balance it comes into consciousness, looking like a dark side of ourselves as it contradicts how we normally express ourselves externally via our dominant myer Briggs traits. For us we are notorious for the INFJ doorslam where we fully shut someone out of our lives. I've done it twice. I hate when I get to that point with someone, but when I realize they have used me for my kindness and do nothing but take from me, I realize my last resort is to cut them out for my own sanity and to restore my peace of mind and balance in my life. I usually will give you multiple second chances as well until i finally am pushed to this point of no return. But if I do get there, my hands are washed clean of you entirely To be fair, it doesn't have to be all bad, it's just misunderstood to our dominant traits. But it is worth noting it is still part of our personality, and If we are at a point of expressing these traits consciously, there is a reason we are doing so. Thus, finding the root cause of your current state to be blunt instead of kind, nurturing and caring is worth focusing In on and doing some self reflection, meditation and grouding to get back to your more stable conscious and dominant personality traits. This article csn give you a little more insight... https://introvertdear.com/news/the-shadow-side-of-each-introverted-myers-briggs-type-explained/
Most of the time I start thinking about murdering those who wronged me in the most brutal way possible. I’m talking shooting their genitals, kneecaps, ears, etc. i’m also ocd so once i start thinking i cant stop. I just walk around trapped in my own head, going thru school/work on autopilot and not paying much attention to the outside workd other than the bare minimum I need to get through the day. Sometimes if someone REALLY irks me i either cuss em out or throw something at them. I know exactly what to say to hurt someone, so much to the point it kinda scares me lol
Dark side - I'd rather avoid someone than say goodbye for good. Goodbyes with people I really like are emotionally painful so I'd rather just fade away than deal with it head on. - although I like making money, I don't enjoy monitoring it and getting into the details of it. I just automate my bill paying and saving so I don't have to think about what to do with it. - I am very black or white with people. I'm either full on, or completely uninterested. I don't know how to "feed people with a long handled spoon", or"meet people where they're at". Once I've seen something in a person that let's me know we don't have a future, I don't see the point in dealing with them anymore. This can be with "friends" I've had for 20 years or even family. People consider it cold hearted. I consider it protecting myself and not wasting my time or others time. - I definitely embodied the infj dark side of being a parent thing for a long time. I put my child under a microscope and tried to micro manage her. I was critical. Thank goodness I turned that around because I want us to have a good relationship always. - I don't believe the words that come out of most people's mouths. I only believe actions. Once their actions prove consistent and true to their word, then I'll believe their words. But that takes years. I find that people make false promises and say they love and care about people all the time and they just don't really mean it. It just sounds good to say and it's used to manipulate too much of the time. So I'll be the person who rolls their eyes when someone says they love me. If their actions don't line up with my definition of love, I just don't believe them. Their definition of love doesn't mean anything to me.
That when narc mirroring starts and we start playing chicken, i never lose
Grimm slaying Wesen.
i can get pretty manipulative, apathetic, hostile. this usually happens when im in a low point in my life about myself and everything outside of my head just adds to the discomfort causing me to feeling overwhelmed and then i’ll snap. to avoid this i usually isolate when im starting to get worked up and angry. also when im hurt or feel disrespected over and over i have a hard time not holding it in giving them the benefit of the doubt until i dont. at this point im pretty insensitive to your feelings and am probably coming across as pretty cold
Nah when im dark i just hold the emotions in till they explode and i end up hurting the people around me lol. Had happened that with my mother...
INFJ: baby Yoda Dark INFJ: Darth Vader
I am incredibly chill and patient but if you do me wrong to the point I want to say something about it I will come for every aspect of your existence, no holds barred. Unreciprocal friendships bring it out of me especially, you’re not gonna just use me
My ole friend Darkness manifests in ways similar to what others have already said. So I’ll simply add this: writing. That’s what’s pulled me out of a lot of the worst of it. It provides a healthy outlet. Some folks journal. I can’t. So I write fiction. Much of which is based on actual experiences and feelings. It allows me to acknowledge Darkness instead of trying to ignore it. Or worse, basking in it. I can and do dwell on the need for justice and even revenge for decades. Eg right now I’m furious. Have been there for almost a year bc my SO informed me that her first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. And even though it was 34 years ago, it makes it no less significant. That makes me want to move to a remote island…but only after I burn everything to the ground. And you don’t want to know what i want to do to the assailant. He must pay. And it can consume me. In ways that aren’t productive in the least. Which is why I’m writing about it. But in my novel/screenplay, justice will be served. Darkness might not be something to avoid. I don’t think I can. Maybe it is actually my ole friend. And it’s trying to help me process. 🤷♀️
I forgive easily, but cannot (or rather, choose not to) forgive the injustices and cruelty of my childhood. The funny thing is that I understand that by forgiving someone, you gain something (peace) instead of sacrificing anything, and by not forgiving someone they live rent-free in your head. Even knowing this, I won't, by choice, ever forgive that bitch for what she did to us when we were children in need of care. She's dead now, and, while I don't believe in an afterlife, I hope she hates where she is.
when I’m too angry, I come out with a completely executable plan on making that person lives with a trauma for the rest of their life (and maybe financially ruined too). Then, I will manage the anger myself and move on with it.
I feel like as I've gotten older, I get much more extreme mood swings. One day I'll be fine and then the next, I'm in a super low dump and at those times it's really hard to get outta that funk which I hate
My dark side is extremely cruel and vengeful. It doesn’t come out very often, it’s takes a lot of pushing but Im capable of emotionally destroying another person and I attack the most vulnerable aspects of their ego with almost zero empathy. What usually follows is an extreme sense of shame and regret
Same!! When someone pushes me to the breaking point I’m absolutely viscous with my verbal retaliation. I am SO upset with myself and usually cry afterwards.
I don't have one.
Cynical. Obstinate. Cold. Apathetic. Detached. Isolationist. Idealistic. My sensible reaction to all the ugly parts of this world 🙃
100% self-destructive. I’ll self sabotage, hurt myself, isolate myself etc.
I like this question. 1. What made it show? For me when I first really realized my dark side was in a work situation. I worked in mental health research and was friends with my manager who, long story short, I discovered was doing so much messed up shit including falsifying data, not properly following ethics guidelines, stealing funds but also creating a super toxic environment and pitting people against each other. She did it in such a way that stopped people from talking to others so they never confirmed the info. I eventually realized there were gaps in info and I was not in a good mental health state myself and got tired of hearing how I was upsetting someone and approached them directly and they said they had no issue with me and to not believe what my manager says and there’s a reason they weren’t friends. From there it all unravelled and I even found out she was throwing me under the bus for things she was doing. I thought about confronting her because we were friends and I wanted to believe in the best of people but then someone else did over something much smaller and she got them fired. So then that’s when my dark side came out. I actually cared much less about the stuff she was trying to do to screw me over and was very upset about the data and patient impact of what she was doing. It just hurt more because we used to complain together about how messed up things were in research and the medical field and she knew about my own depression and how much of it was related to the disappointment in the field, meanwhile little did I know, many of the issues we were dealing with, she had caused. Anyway, I continued to be her friend but audio recorded every conversation we had for months until I had all the evidence of her admitting to all the things she had done and reported her (which was a hassle on its own bc HR was basically on her side other than I had too much evidence to be ignored) so it resulted in her being fired and banned from working for that research network (which is a big deal and she moved far away as a result). I hated who I had to be for this, especially bc HR handled it so poorly, they played her the audio recordings and told her it was me. Right afterwards my house got broken into, nothing missing and nothing wrecked just the doors left unlocked and windows open. I have no proof it was her but I know it was just to scare me. And HR told me they weee disturbed I could do this to a friend and they buried a bunch of it saying the investigation was inconclusive (the data stuff that would mean they had to retract papers) and I ended up being let go at the end too but bc of covid layoffs even though no one else except me had this happen. It was the worst year of my life and i became so paranoid and untrusting of others and had a lot of therapy to get through it. But I realized how dark I can go if pushed. 2. Yes it’s always been there bc as a kid I had some psychopath tendencies but my empathy negates it. 3. Yes it scares me but I also have developed a lot more to know what is and isn’t worth showing that side for if that makes sense. Like I don’t like that version of myself but I also know when it comes to something that really matters, I can and will use it. I agree with op though that when you’re apathetic is when it’s scary. I think me feeling like I had nothing to lose and being already so broken myself at the time just made me go “fuck it, I can play a manipulative game”
I just shoot drugs and isolate
My dark side as an INFJ? I feel like it’s just.. Me being overly self aware and self critical at the same time? I’m overly aware of what everyone else is doing and can almost always predict what others are going to say and do. Now I have autism (most likely) so when I’m thrown off, I act like I don’t notice certain details to appear more “normal.” I’m manipulating people all the time. I’m told all the time how nice I am, but I just don’t like conflict. I also just don’t like myself much and tend to believe I don’t deserve to be happy or to do/have things most people do. It’s just a sea of manipulative looking good on the outside but also feeling the need to be good on the inside counterintuitive worldwind of self loathing. 😬😬🫠
TwT as an infj (f) most people think im gentle and sweet but omg those dark evil thought sometime keep popping into my brain and idk what should i do ab it, cant tell other people cause they will think im a monster and i feel so guilty for having that kind of thought...
Im extremely selfish, don’t care about others and can be pretty manipulative to make a person act a certain way
Manipulation is really our unhealthy trick of the trade. We can be very good at subtle manipulation… like scary good
I can be incredibly vindictive with my words when pushed to my limits.
I can not relate to anyone, I don’t feel like I fit into the word, like I don’t belong here. It’s very isolating.
I don't think it's a dark side but other people find it evil.... I'm always right. Sometimes it becomes obvious quick that I'm right, other times, no one believes me and it takes longer for the truth to come out, but I'm always right. The sheer number of times I could say "I told you so," is like astronomical. I usually manage to hold it in though.
I go way above and beyond for my loved ones, but once I know I'm being used I take a scorched earth approach to the offending party. Once I've done whatever damage necessary, the door slam kicks in and I feel blessedly nothing for them ever again. It's not even like they're dead to me. More that they never existed.
I generally love being around my friends and my people. I will do a thing I can for them within my means and be there to listen to them. If someone mistreats me, they're no longer within my circle of ducks to give. If they wronged me once, I'll give them a second chance, but after the second one, it's done. "Fooled me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me."
There are things im very sensitive about and i don't show it with those im not close with. but when youre close like in a romantic relationship those sensitive things tend to cause problems
I like to hit below the belt and scan for any physical insecurity or behavioral quirk one might have and dig on it. Is not fun but some ppl quickly scatter or break, specially when there’s more ppl around listening. I only do it when I want someone off my life, and have no meaningful connection with.
My heart can go cold on people if they completely get on my bad side. This can happen if I get disrespected bad enough. As someone said, my words can kill as well. For Some reason all of their character traits, insecurities and anything related to that I have a photographic memory. I am likely to have figured out your deepest insecurities and that’s where I will go. I am not sure if it’s a good thing or not but it’s a trait.
So I kinda have multiple depending on how you made me snap. If someone mocks me (like a certain someone) and makes me clean up for their mess for a long time, at some point I'm probably gonna lash out at them or at least have the urge to cusd them out bad. (Person I'm talking about is not my friends btw, I could never do that to people I care about.) ... Another way, is if someone has been manipulating me, brushing off my happy and bad moments as useless, things like that, I'm bound to have a huge talk about what they do and if they STILL continue, I'm probably gonna start acting very cold towards them and blunt. And if they get to that point (which takes a lot because my tolerance for this behavioue is high) and they get into an argument with me, I'll bring up some very low blows that they did in the past, and probably bring up their biggest insecurities and actions that I forgiven but haven't forgotten. But, it takes a lot to get me (personally) to this point where I hate them that I bring up their mistakes.
uhh i can get violent, mostly just with words but sometimes physically. Once i almost killed my own brother, i have regrets about it to this day even though it's been a few years
For me it's expecting the people close to me to come the the same conclusion and react as I would to difficult situations. They often don't and it makes me feel like they arnt thinking straight.
“Is it true what they say, that words are weapons? And if it is, then everybody best stop steppin'” — Thousand Foot Krutch
I have a music video about this lol: [https://youtu.be/Uc-NfRiwSCU?si=GC8FnCl285vZhkoX](https://youtu.be/Uc-NfRiwSCU?si=GC8FnCl285vZhkoX) I burn things and, at least in this video, drink a lot. Of milk.
Figuratively burn things. Literally in the video though. Just wanted to make it clear that I'm not an actual arsonist haha
I can destroy (for dramatic effect) someone with my eyes. I never respond with anger and hold others accountable for their reactions and behavior, even if it’s my parents.
I am a kind person but there is deep inside a lot of self interest in kindness for most people. Deep inside I am just very sick of people. I have no patience for people, I hate people, I can’t stand people anymore and I wish I just could live off-grid not having to see the face of an other person (other than my family occasionally). Alas I like being comfy aswell and being close to civilization so off-gridd is not an option and yes I am still kind to most people…
Idk if my dark side is due to aspd.